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Me, Myself & I!
A Three Part Series
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Part 1 : Clarity, From Healthy to Unhealthy
By: Fozia Khan, Mississauga, Ontario
Fozia Khan is an Al Balagh Academy Certified Islamic Psychology L1 Anthroposophical Psychology Counselor. Currently studying Political Science, Philosophy and Islamic Psychology . She has a background in Journalism. She is also a Visual Artist and a Writer.
There are many important terms and concepts that need clarity today for the layman, but one such term has turned up more so in recent popularity: “Narcissism.” Since it is entering popular culture, with some saying this “condition” is on the rise, we begin by asking what do we mean by it, and what is it actually describing?
We might hear this term thrown around that psychologists or psychotherapists use to better understand issues presented in clinical settings. It’s important to find some clarity about these terms and use them as best intended: as an avenue to learn more about yourself or others, without which could result in misunderstandings, unintended harm or hurt. Very problematically, it might also lead to oversimplification and much confusion about something that needs to be understood especially from a more holistic spiritual perspective gifting hope, compassion, and forgiveness and creative ways to find solutions to difficult problems.
We aim at making distinctions between what is broadly understood as Narcissism and general Narcissistic tendencies on a spectrum. These range between very subtle and “normal” characteristics of Narcissism, to severe imbalances reaching the point of a “personality disorder” diagnosis.
Generally, when the term “Narcissism” is used, it is categorized as a problematic and undesirable personality. There are two extremes that must be avoided with Narcissism on a spectrum. On one end of this spectrum, the narcissistic individual has little to no regard toward themselves and has low self-worth. However, this is manifested in an unconscious and neglectful way, and may breed resentment. This is not “selflessness;” it is not virtuous to deny ourselves what is required to be healthy. We must strive to become more conscious and practice justice by attending to all elements of life, putting them in their proper place. At the other end of the spectrum is self absorption, an over-inflated ego, and an idealized picture of themselves. Such a person is preoccupied with what gratifies the self and has complete disregard for the feelings of others. They exhibit a lack of sincere concern, and manipulate or force others to serve them.
When narcissistic individuals are imbalanced to the point of a personality disorder, it causes a distinct and continuous pattern of disturbance to self and others. It is something that is identified by therapists and known as narcissistic personality disorder.
“Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a disorder in which a person feels more important than others. A person with NPD will feel an unreasonable sense of entitlement. They will also have a big ego. Narcissists feel more important than others. As a result, they struggle with relationships and behavioral issues. It is possible for someone to have condescending traits, but NPD is more than just hav- ing a pompous attitude. A narcissist has an inflated ego. This ego causes interpersonal, relationship and career issues for them. Narcissists often fail to see the fault in their behaviors and tend to behave in a way that is dismissive of others.” 1
We hope to have the ability to recognize who we are and our relationships day by day, moment by moment, inside and outside. On one hand, healthy aspects of “Self-Care” are necessary and are a sign of good health. Necessary concern for a person’s well-being and taking steps to care for themselves to survive and enjoy life are key aspects of self-care. Taking time to breathe, eat, pray, exercise, spend time with friends and family, pursue hobbies, while also attending to household and job duties, are necessary for the maintenance of body and soul. They also help lift spirits in gratitude to God for this beautiful life.
On the other hand, intense self absorption, called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is considered a serious and disruptive mental condition that is diagnosed under the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). There are many kinds of Narcissistic Personality Disorders, but all are characterized with lack of empathy, idealized sense of self as a mask to cover-up insecurities, manipulation of others, ingratitude and blaming of others.
In between these two extremes are the stages of the person who is discovering themselves, their habits and thoughts, average difficulties and disturbances, and healthy challenges. These issues can usually be easily resolved by refining one’s character and developing skills to deal with troublesome tendencies. Consistency is key. There is considerable information from Islamic sources on how to find such solutions. Practices and virtues mentioned in the Quran, embodied by Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) as the most perfect guide, are excellent remedies.
From one perspective, narcissism is an ancient, age-old struggle, the term being derived from Greek Mythology. It is a primordial struggle that has been present since creation. Special spiritual attention is given in sacred scripture, and spiritual practices that help to curb narcissistic-like tendencies. These are described as remedies for purifying the soul inclined to harm (as described in classical Islamic literature). These give guidance toward self -awareness and peace within, for a “serene soul.”
There is much discussion around how best to understand and treat more severe cases, what loved-ones might do to help a relative or a friend, and what a person could do to help themselves if in such a relationship. Often parental and marital relationships are of particular concern. I share some resources at the end of this article that might provide information to help support and navigate such situations.
In the last decade we are seeing a movement toward and an acceptance of a spiritual lens to examine matters more holistically. From the rich depths of the history of Islam, where much has been developed in the overlapping spheres of Lifestyle, Psychology, Theology and Philosophy, integrating a picture of Afiyah (Well-being).
There can be quite a bit of frustration around this issue for a person encountering Narcissism in themselves or others, which is generally best investigated by a therapist, and even better, a spiritually informed therapist. Some might find a strange and frustrating life pattern where nothing is going right and others aren’t doing what they “should” be doing to make you happy. Some might find that no matter how much they try, they cannot please the person in their life. This might be accompanied with symptoms of severe stress or depression.
These situations would benefit from an integrative approach including self reflection, guided dialogue and prayer as a means to self-discovery and compassionate empowerment. If in a relationship with an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it’s best to begin to agree upon a therapist to continue this dialogue. In my experience, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) or Dialogue Therapy are excellent beginnings. One might even be blessed to find a Traditionally Integrated Islamic Psychotherapy (TIIP) therapist.
As a general rule, it is advised to calmly sit back and observe as objectively as possible. One excellent way, strongly suggested by experts, and successful in my personal experience, is to privately journal observations about things that are coming up again and again, discerning a pattern for better bearings on circumstances, relationships and life events. Emotions can be confusing especially when you love a person, but recording and observing emotions and core feelings are always important indicators and an opportunity to learn from a situation by more neutrally observing them without suppressing them.
In the next issue, I will delve into the origins of Narcissism in mythology, as it tells a story with a symbolic lesson about a universal human condition, and how this is seen, understood and addressed in an Islamic perspective paying attention to what we now are discovering, or re-discovering, in Islamic Spiritual Psychology. In the final issue, we will explore how we can integrate such knowledge.
Further Reading:
“Narcissism: Denial of the True Self,” by Alexander Lowen, M.D.
“From Victim to Victor: Narcissism Survival Guide,” by Dr. Mariette Jansen
“But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath” by Dr. Sherrie Campbell
“Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Dr. Sue Johnson
“Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships.” By Dr. Sue Johnson
Reference:
1. Guarino, G. (2019, July 8 ). The th Different Types Of Narcissism. Psych Point. https:// www.psychpoint.com/mentalhealth/articles/the-different-typesof-narcissism/
Photo By: Erda Estremera on Unsplash
