No Kids Yet!

Editor’s Note: Contains discussion suitable for Adult Audience

By: Ayesha Nasir, Hamilton Ontario

Let me clarify, this article is not an attempt to divert you from the importance of raising children. Being a parent is an immense responsibility, especially embodying the gentle and loving parenting style of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).

These days, our conversations with people who are not yet parents seem to be like that of a conversation between gardeners or farmers. “When will you have a child?” we are asked. As, if a child is a seed planted by a man, or carried by a woman, the foremost duty of a couple, is to produce as many children as possible. No, we must return to the real purpose of our existence: worshipping Allah, so that we may have the gardens of Jannah.

"People, be mindful of your Lord, who created you from a single soul, and from it created its mate, and from the pair of them spread countless men and women far and wide..." (4:1)

One of my motivators to marry was that someday, I can have children of my own. Not once did I ever stop to think how the basis of marriage went beyond reproduction. I looked at potential candidates for marriage and wondered: what kind of father he would be?

Are love and kindness the basis of a marriage? Sometimes it felt like procreation is the basis, and love and kindness between two married people was a by-product, not the core Islamic reasoning of a marriage.

“Another of His signs is that He created spouses from among yourselves for you to live with in tranquillity: He ordained love and kindness between you.” [Quran 30:21]

Now that I am married, I can confidently endorse the statement a south-Asian aunty made earlier in my life: that having a good gut feeling about someone and wanting to spend your life with them is a good reason to marry them. Of course, there are other things to look for too.

It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Prophet said: “A woman may be married for four things: Her wealth, her lineage, her beauty or for her religion. Choose the religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”

People marry strangers all the time and happily grow into the relationship. “Arranged” marriages are not outdated but neither are “love” marriages a cause for scandal. There are different ways to decide on who to commit to, should we choose to marry at all. But if you find someone attractive, good-looking, and feel a spark when you look at them, that is a good reason to marry them - even if it is not the best reason as per the hadith.

Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

“We do not see for those who love one another anything like marriage.”

In the Quran, we find the story of the first two humans: Adam (peace be upon him) and Hawa (peace be upon her). When God created Hawa, He asked both her and Adam to dwell in Paradise with tranquility. They were not told to have children before they were sent to this earth. Their relationship lay beyond the need of children. It was based on the need for companionship. They were made for each other. Together they worshipped Allah and shared friendship, happiness, peace, and love as the two first humans. They both sinned together and sought forgiveness from Allah together. The need to expand the family was an unsaid reality; But it was never hammered into them as an expectation. Allah gifted them with children. Before that, Allah gifted them with each other. The only expectation, the accountability towards Allah and each other, was to not disobey their Creator and fulfill each other’s rights and responsibilities.

Rather than prodding and probing women )and men!( about when they will get married and have children, the Ummah needs to wake up to the reality that we are souls with much greater purpose.

In the many ahadith of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), there are few which talk about the Ummah multiplying. One of the hadith in question:

“Marry and increase in numbers, as I will take pride in you before other nations on the Day of Judgement”, is this. For this one hadith there are by far more ahadith about how spouses should treat each other; to show love and focus on each other’s pleasure and well-being. “Do not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire like the desire you experience, lest you fulfill your desires before she does.” [Al Mughni, 8:36].

Due to a lack of proper Islamic education in Muslim communities including comprehensive Muslim sex education, we are not taught how to love or please our spouses as per the Prophet’s guidance. Many of us, men and women alike, do not even factor in women’s sexual satisfaction and believe that only men can and should be physically satisfied in a marriage. In a marriage, attraction and sexual satisfaction should factor in before even children are brought into the equation. Some men and in-laws are so obsessed with having children or grandchildren, that a man weaponizes divorce and remarriage, if their spouse did not give birth to a child or a male child. A word of caution to all those who preferred having boys over girls, that Allah has forbidden us to think of girls as any less than boys; this is stated in multiple places in the Qur'an.

“To Allah alone belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates whatever He wills. He blesses whoever He wills with daughters, and blesses whoever He wills with sons, or grants both, sons and daughters, ˹to whoever He wills˺, and leaves whoever He wills infertile. He is indeed All- Knowing, Most Capable.” (42:49-50)

Attraction may not be the strongest basis for a lifelong companionship, but it is an important component of a healthy and happy relationship. We need to stop pretending that our Ummah is devoid of desires, preferences, and sexual needs. The Ahadith for Muslims to fast if they cannot control their sexual urges exists only because those urges exist.

When it comes to childbirth and child rearing, even the Prophets of Allah (SWT) were tested for how they responded to not having children or to children in unusual circumstances. There are multiple narrations of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) who grieved at children who passed away. He buried the stillborn, miscarried and deceased babies that were born into his family. There was no blame ever placed on the mother or father for the children who died. And neither was blame placed on any human who could not reproduce.

“People, [remember,] if you doubt the Resurrection, that We created you from dust, then a drop of fluid, then a clinging form, then a lump of flesh, both shaped and unshaped: We mean to make Our power clear to you. Whatever We choose We cause to remain in the womb for an appointed time, then We bring you forth as infants and then you grow and reach maturity. Some die young and some are left to live on to such an age that they forget all they once knew. You sometimes see the earth lifeless, yet when We send down water it stirs and swells and produces every kind of joyous growth” (22:5)

The very existence of children is referred to as a test and a trial to see how the caregivers respond.

"It is He who created you all from one soul, and from it made its mate so that he might find comfort in her: when one [of them] lies with his wife and she conceives a light burden, going about freely, then grows heavy, they both pray to God, their Lord, ‘If You give us a good child we shall certainly be grateful,’ and yet when He gives them a good child they ascribe some of what He has granted them to others." (7:189-190) “Wealth and children are the adornment of this worldly life, but the everlasting good deeds are far better with your Lord in reward and in hope”(18:28)

Rather than prodding and probing women (and men!) about when they will get married and have children, the Ummah needs to wake up to the reality that we are souls with much greater purpose. A woman has every right to worship Allah and to spend her life in His service. Just as Maryam (may Allah be pleased with her) was never pressured into marrying and spent her life in service to Allah, we should be encouraging young Muslims to spend their lives seeking Allah, rather than making them anxious about a pre-destined possibility.

From Asiya to Aisha (may Allah be pleased with them all), we have many examples of women in Islamic history who show us that speaking truth honourably, spreading knowledge, and being positively active in public life are all ways to worship Allah. Are we comfortable giving Muslim women those roles and spaces in society that Allah praised them in the past for exercising? It is easy to create boxes and squeeze women into.

It is easy to proclaim in khutbahs and in drawing room conversations, how your biggest contribution, in this world is the child you birthed. In the Qur'an, praise is given to those who look after the orphans and the disadvantaged, not to those who gave birth to many.

Each soul created by Allah, can work together to establish justice and peace. They do not need a marriage contract and a labour room story to be valued by the Ummah.

They do not need a marriage contract and a labour room story to be valued by the Ummah.

Photo by Daria Gorbacheva on Unsplash