Communication & Mediation

By: SI Wasty Mississauga Ontario

A major issue that is impacting our community in recent years is the high divorce rates among young couples. Young couples who were born or raised in Canada are aware of conflict resolution tools, yet struggle to apply these tools in domestic situations. On the other hand, migrant couples of all ages going through divorce do not show proper awareness of conflict resolution methodology. Migrant couples must learn the mindset required to minimize the impact of divorce and marital conflict on all parties, especially children, who are the greatest victims.

Communication and negotiations are God given tools that can be used to resolve family issues, and in fact many of the conflicts in our world. Since not all members of our community are exposed to these tools early on in their educational system, family disputes sometimes remain unresolved, and get passed on from one generation to the next. Such scenarios can break-up families -- with sometimes siblings refuse to acknowledge each other, carrying sad feelings for the rest of their lives, and their children either not knowing their cousins or having no relations with them at all. It is a sad scenario that shows the community's inability to resolve issues among ourselves.

Communication

Open communication with your spouse and children, from a young age, builds a strong family foundation. It can drastically reduce conflicts between family members, and such families can enjoy lower divorce rates, even among their children once they have grown up and married. However, families where open communication is not encouraged between spouses can have more conflicts due to pent up resentment, resulting in higher divorce rates. In such families, patterns may emerge soon where simple conversations turn into arguments. As a result, spouses can feel a lack of respect, and children can feel frustrated at their parents’ conflict.

Among couples, lack of trust, lack of interest, and conversations that turn into arguments and then fights are some of the symptoms. Among migrant families, there are added factors which can cause conflicts within the family. One of these is the cultural gap between the young and the old generations. This is where a family must consider seeking help immediately. The sooner a family realizes the problem, the sooner they can act and the greater the chance that the family or marriage can be saved from breaking apart.

Communication, mediation and negotiation can help save a family from divorce. Even if it is too late to keep the family together, using mediation and communication can lead to a more civilized break-up or an amicable divorce, which is generally not common in our community. Break-ups in our community can start a vengeful war between the two sides, leading to unproductive comments, accusations and even smear campaigns against each other. In such madness, the couple tends to forget the most vulnerable groups, which are children, and even older parents in our community - never-mind the character and ikhlaq that the Qur’an teaches us to embody in these situations.

“Worship Allah and associate nothing with Him, and to parents do good, and to relatives, orphans, the needy, the near neighbor, the neighbor farther away, the companion at your side, the traveler, and those whom your right hands possess. Indeed, Allah does not like those who are self-deluding and boastful.” (4:36 )

Seeking Mediation

Therefore, when conflicts begin, our community must learn to seek mediation services and negotiate to resolve problems. Negotiations, either through mediation or directly, do not mean that either side has to be declared a winner or a loser, but the aim is to create a win-win situation for all sides. Negotiations mean to both give and take: you gain something and you lose something, in the greatest interest of the family. Negotiations must be done sincerely looking at the bigger picture of the situation, family peace and the best interest of the children.

“And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].” (4:35)

Sadly in our community, the side who pursues mediation or negotiation is considered weak. This is where our community can benefit from a change of mindset. Politeness and thoughtfulness must not be taken as a sign of weakness; in fact, it is a scarce quality in our community. Furthermore, mediation should be done by an experienced and neutral party, who has knowledge of spirituality and psychology. They must be impartial, able to communicate and inspire both parties.

“And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them - and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah - then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.” (4:128)

Most people in our community seek help from religious pundits. While these pundits can remind them of the religious rights of both sides, they may not have experience with marriage counseling and conflict resolution. Some people rely on older family members. While they can have significant life experiences, older family members could be biased or have traditional mindsets and values. They might not fully understand the problems the current generation is facing.

Therefore, the bottom line is to proactively communicate with family members. Show your love verbally and by action too. It is because even Allah expects us to offer prayers verbally and intentionally from our heart. In our journey of life, one way to thank Allah is by learning good values and applying in our life. As we move along in our life we must make peace with all relatives & friends before we move on permanently.

Quranic Reference: https://quran.com/

Photo by scott-webb on Unsplash