Islam & Bargaining With Patriarchy

By: Rabia Saad , Karachi Pakistan

“The term patriarchal bargain … is intended to indicate the existence of set rules and scripts regulating gender relations, to which both genders accommodate and acquiesce, yet which may nonetheless be contested, redefined, and renegotiated. … However, women as a rule bargain from a weaker position”. - Deniz Kandiyoti (1988)

Modern men and women are constantly negotiating a fine power balance today - a balance which was once tilted only towards the male. But does that mean patriarchy is obsolete?

In my opinion, the cultivation of women itself does not alone weaken patriarchy. As Deniz Kandiyoti (1988) once wrote, when w omen bargain with patriarchy, they do so from an inferior position. In order to secure empowerment in some small portions (financial benefits, domestic control etc.), women strengthen deep misogynistic ideas and nurture patriarchy from its roots.

Unfortunately, the portrayal of Islam shows that the religious fundamentals have given birth to patriarchy. We do not need to blame any media portrayals or specifically western media portrayals for this, because when mainstream Islam is taught in Muslim communities, it largely emphasises the inferior social positioning of women and deviant male domination - something that does not originate from early Islamic teachings themselves, but is a muddle of social and cultural suppressive attitude. If a modern Muslim woman in today’s time is unclear of what it means for her husband to be her ‘qawam’, it is the repercussion of a closed society towards religion and gender.

Men even share the same vagueness and vacuum.

As a result, modern Muslim men and women are at loggerheads with each other, no different from the non-Muslim world.

As part of one of my research projects, a focus group study with eight men (a mix of educated professionals from urban Karachi, Pakistan), on gender based domestic violence, the major findings revealed that :

1. Four of them did not even consider mental health resulting out of domestic abuse a problem. According to them a Muslim household is only blessed and mental health issues are a western concept.

2. One of them discarded the consideration of the husband's anger-turned-abuse as abuse outright. For him wife’s obedience should be prime.

3. Though by the end of the focus group, they were able to reach a consensus around mental health of men and women being at stake and that verbal or physical abuse is wrong.

4. However, financial independence of women remained an alien idea across the group - not only an alien idea but a foreign concept being pushed into Muslim society that, in their eyes, will tarnish the moral values of the people.

These were the notions of all those eight men, ranging between 19 and 50 years of age. These men were those, who had been taken care of by the women in their lives, for all their life; women who focused on them, their comfort and their needs . The discussion concluded on one of the participants’ remarks, “There has been too [little] conversation around male dominance in real sense. As a society we need to talk more. ”

It is important who is doing the talking. When the West talks, there is radical protest. When the East talks, there is fascism or conservatism. We don’t talk Islam and gender in our homes (in a generalized manner).

Let’s go through the case of an educated and high spirited muslim girl, married out of her choice, as an example to look into the state of mind of today’s Muslim youth and identify the conversations we need to start to deconstruct this entrenched patriarchy.

Her friendly close family counselling advised: “In matters of decision making always ensure to hold your husband’s word as superior. A woman may control the entire administration of family and domestic life but the decisions should be made by the husband. You’ll see how much balance it is going to bring."

Once with her husband, it took her some time to implement it. Her upbringing with her father was only to inform him but decide herself, much cordially, much amicably. This became the first source of contention with her husband for a long time. She spent her energy communicating her analysis, sense of judgement, and preference for holding a point of view to gain acceptance of that view from her spouse. But this was only met with greater confrontation. Her husband’s response was to delegitimize not her arguments but her position itself - questioning her ability as a responsible wife, responsible daughter-in-law and later as a responsible mother. It was easy to question because she was juggling with work, domestic life and a social life. A minor slip here and another there, and weighty criticisms grew into taunts, and taunts into swear words.

Then she was hit.

She tried to convey that she is harmed.

She was hit again.

She absorbed it. Why?

Because, she convinced herself that she was blessed and privileged. She was allowed the freedom to work. She was let to be financially independent. She was allowed to study. She was allowed to enjoy with her family and friends.

Do all these blessings make the relationship okay for her - even if she is not accepted (for being too critical and opinionated) by the ‘man’? At least she was securing freedom. She was made to realize, time and again how much better off she was compared to other women. And how other women are better than her, who only value their husband’s consent above all others including her’s

She learned this bargain. She wanted to pursue her passion of writing and research. She secured her one form of freedom outside the walls and gave up her opinion within the walls called home. The situation eventually became cordial and amicable, because the confrontation declined. At some stage, a woman gives up the fight to ensure her mental peace. And also to add a performance point that her house is peaceful and cherishable.

So with time, she is ingrained that all what the Quran has confirmed on her as her right is actually a mighty favour bestowed on her by her spouse: right to inherit, to own property, to seek a livelihood, marry with consent, and to be educated. And she’s all praise for the man in her life for granting these ‘favours’ (which were supposed to be her basic rights).

But she stops feeling any love for her husband. She can't see through his eyes. Through him she can only see the being of men as a collection of ‘shar’ (source of evil). She endorses all the protests against men anywhere in the world - She Hates Men.

She over-burdens herself with these favours to the extent that she’s always feeling guilty - guilty to be at her workplace (a place which pays for her hardwork and the money translates into her family’s well being). Her guilt makes her not to read sufficiently, not to pray sufficiently, not to laugh sufficiently, not to communicate sufficiently. She feels guilty of being under her husband’s favours so much so that she shrinks her idea of pleasure in front of her husband’s idea of pleasure. She’s guilty of paying too much attention to her side of the family. She’s guilty of expressing her exhaustion. She’s guilty of including her husband in parenting responsibilities. She’s guilty of blaming the husband for any parenting failures.

Her self-worth lowers to the point where she stops exploring learning opportunities. She stops participating out of the fear of not knowing, or being caught not knowing. She only does the calendar tasks.

She trembles at the idea of making errors.

Error is a forbidden territory. If an error happens, her entire performance so far comes under scrutiny and is nearly nullified. Error makes her priorities be questioned. Error makes her character get questioned. And she lets it be questioned. She lets the questioning ego be satisfied. She lets it be satisfied so that she’s all clear to pursue her freedom (that form of freedom she has been protecting) to work, to study, to socially interact. She has learned this bargain.

So it was not innate.

She learned and acquired this trait of bargaining. In friction with her self-being.

This friction does not leave any mercy with her. It tarnishes her confidence. Her decision making. Her ability to please her family. Her ability to please Allah.

Eventually, this friction tarnishes her desire to please the man whose dominance she started bargaining with in the first place.

And the desire to please Allah even fades in some distance.

Has her heart turned black?

Is it stoned?

She is not able to feel much now, but she is at least able to reflect on this. And the more she reflects, flashes of innumerable patience shown, plenty of generous smiles gifted, words of wisdom imparted, others’ grief felt and attended to, choices differentiating right from wrong, upholding the truth and searching for ‘khayr’ (goodness) in her husband - all these deeds zoom in and out of her mental slides.

Her practice of searching for ‘khayr’ in her husband was based on her basic instinct as a believer and human being with any other individual (empathy). A practice that actually made her survive through the abuse: verbal and physical. Because it lets her see her partner as a stranded male who likes her for all her point of views and mental strengths. And because it helps her forget that if the same point of views are at odds with his views, he simply crushes her ego. Because he had always seen his own father doing that.

She finds herself not in conflict with the man in front of her, but a whole patriarchal legacy, inherited from parental generations.

This time, when she bargains with patriarchy, this search for ‘khayr’ in the husband allows this modern Muslim woman to identify the inheritance of deviant male dominance as the source of ‘shar’ (evil) rather than her husband being the collection of ‘shar’.

Yes, here the modern Muslim woman once again bargains with patriarchy to support her husband to overcome the shackles of patriarchal legacy. She once again lets her conscience speak to her husband’s conscience. She lets him feel the exhaustion of carrying the legacy.

A legacy which was not given by the Prophet of Islam, a legacy which was shackled by him to the age of Jahiliyah (before Islam) each time he lovingly called out to Aisha RA, each time he respected the acumen of Khadija RA, each time he stood up to welcome Fatima RA, and each time he addressed the sanctity of women in Muslim Ummah.

“ O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers.”

The search for ‘khayr’ (goodness) in the husband also allows her to reach a heightened level of clarity - that nothing is anymore a favour. Because Islam does not oblige her. The search for ‘khayr’ let’s her show the husband that their son and daughter are awaiting to be treated in the same way as the parents treat each other now in their future relations as husbands and a wives to others.

Islam makes the woman bargain with patriarchy but from an elevated stronger position. The search for ‘khayr’, empathy, is an elevation, is a strength. It emboldens and it empowers by allowing ourselves to see others not as sources of power, but as people just like ourselves, with failings and baggage. As the only source of power is Allah (God), Al-Qadir (The All-Powerful), Al-Muqtadir (The Creator of All Power). It allows women to play a higher role as life-partners on this journey of life - to identify the goodness of the partner for the sake of Allah and put efforts to maximize that goodness.

“Barakah is the attachment of Divine goodness to a thing, so if it occurs in something little, it increases it.” (by a well known Daee).

If there’s still no ‘khayr’, Islam empowers the woman to part-ways .

“ … And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set, for everything, a [decreed] extent.” (65:2-3)

Messenger of Allah (SallaAllahu ‘alayhi wasallam) said: “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” (Ibn-Maajah)

Islam does not retreat the woman into conservatism or turn her into a radical protestor. Islam pushes her into a progressive individual - always making choices with principles and conscience. Islam invites public sphere conversations around gender based domestic violence, independence of women and mental health.

Islam does not bargain with basic principles of humanity.