Under Stress

By Beenish Khurshid, San Francisco California

Stress means to load something to its limit.

Think of stress as the weight of books and yourself as a table. If a table was bending under the weight of too many books, we would take the books off. We would add supporting beams so that we could put a lot more books on. For people, we expect them to "handle stress better". But stress, by definition, isn't handled well.

When you load something to or beyond its limit, you never know how it will respond.

I propose that when we are under stress, or we see someone under stress, we reduce their load and add support to help them build their capacity. This can be either through training, external supports such as hiring people to help, or even social services. This way, we don’t have a society of people who are about to break and instead a society which is ready to handle life's uncertainties.

Stress is not something that is "handled". Stress should not be something we experience on a regular basis. Stress is something that should happen on occasion and it is something that we prepare for.

Instead of “handling” hard and stressful situations on a regular basis, we should get out of these situations and prepare for the days to come. Some examples of how we can prepare ourselves for stressful situations:

(1) strength training - to have physical preparation for strenuous days. For example, expectant mothers walk a lot in their last trimester to help with delivery.

(2) mental training - education is the key to mentally challenging days. Education can often help you solve issues in a more quick and intelligent way. Instead of having to do research on the spot, you have a wealth of knowledge to pull from when the need arises. For example, mental math skills help us vet everyday financial transactions under pressure.

(3) spiritual training - prayer, faith, and a connection to God is what helps many through their most trying days. A clear picture of the spiritual landscape the All-Seeing and All-Knowing has designed for us, such as justice through hell, reward through heaven, provides us with a framework to help us cope with and carry on. For example, victims of war and injustice, such as the Rohingya in Myanmar, after suffering through such atrocities, are able to pick up their lives and carry-on. This is only through the strength of their faith, and their patience with God's will.

(4) Psychological support - while spirituality may help with emotions in trying times, trying times that affect our physiology aren't something that we can train for. Cultivating a strong social circle may be the best way to prepare for stressful physiological situations. For example, when going through a divorce or loss of a loved one, having people who will support and comfort you will reduce the stress of these situations manifold.

(5) Financial strength - savings help us deal with days when we have to spend a lot to make things right again - when the car breaks down, when your landlord ends your lease, when you need to find a new place (and rent protection means your new place is going to cost a lot more), when your roof needs repair, or your child needs to go to college. The two best ways to gain financial strength are to reduce spending on big ticket items (rent, car financing), and to increase income, either through side gigs, switching to higher paying jobs/careers, or investments.

(6) Planning - taking time out to plan our time, our finances, an upcoming stressful social situation, or to break down an important and difficult task, can take the stress out of the situation. Instead of having to think of 15 things in a short 10 minute period, we can spend 5 hours beforehand to figure out the 15 things, and only have to think of one thing in the 10 minute period - what is next on the list.

Preparing for situations in advance, whether known or unexpected, can reduce stress levels. But once we are in a stressful situation, it is important to know when the stress is too much, and what one can do to handle the stress. A few ways to deal with a difficult situation once you are in one:

1. Take a step back. Yes, things will fail in the short term, but stepping away will give you enough time and mental space to see the bigger picture. Implementing some of the steps in “prepare” will help you handle your current situation better.

2. Reduce your load. Say no to commitments and take a breather. Picking what to give up can be hard, but if there is room to give something up, sometimes it is best in the long run.

3. Ask for help. If you don’t want to give something up, there may be people out there who are willing and able to help you. A family member can watch the kids. Hired help can fix the sink. Your wife can manage the books. Your husband can cook the week’s dinner. A neighbour can share “pick up from school” duties. Find people to help you. It will surprise you: sometimes you are actually helping others while helping yourself.