04-03-17

Monday

/NorthernIowan

April 3, 2017

@NorthernIowan

Volume 113, Issue 47

northerniowan.com

Opinion 3 Campus Life 4 Sports 10 Games 11 Classifieds 11

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

Letter to the Editor 3

The French Fry 5-8

Panther Portrait 9

Softball update 10

Sudoku

11

Jassim

Courtesty Photo

Dakota

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SARAH RITONDALE Staff Writer

Vanessa Mcneal Courtesty Photo

“The Voiceless,” a documentary that features the stories of five male survivors of sexual violence, is coming to UNI’s campus this Wednesday, April 5. The documentary, produced

by Vanessa McNeal, will be screened at 5:30 p.m., at the Gallagher Bluedorn Performing Arts Center (GBPAC).

Following the screening, there will be a panel discussion with McNeal and the survivors from the film providing

an opportunity for students to interact with the those features in the documentary first hand.

McNeal, a graduate student in UNI’s department of social work, discussed the relationship between societal constructions of masculinity and sexual violence.

“We live in a hyper masculine world where men can’t be hurt by things,” McNeal said.

“People think that it doesn’t happen to them, and that’s not the case. Sexual violence doesn’t discriminate on gender, race or socio-economic status; it doesn’t matter… Just because

African Night brings culture ALLISON MAZZERELLA Staff Writer

On Saturday, April 1, the African Union (AU) hosted their annual African Night, an event that was filled with food, dancing, music and culture. The theme for this year’s event was “We are Africa.”

The event was held in the

Maucker Union Ballroom, which was decked out in African colors, from tablecloths sporting the colors of various countries’ flags, to red and green strobe lights, to larger f lags representing each country displayed around the room.

Chang Monykuyany, a psychology major at UNI, shared her expectations before the start of the show.

“I’m just excited to see the diversity — something different,” Monykuyany said. “I like to learn about other culture[s], too.”

The audience, which was around 160 in attendance, consisted of students, as well as children, adults and other community members.

UNI President Mark Nook was in attendance.

“It’s a great opportunity to meet people from the community that aren’t just students, and learn more about the different cultures that impact the Cedar Valley,” Nook said.

Food and drink were also provided, with a large variety from plantains, rice, cabbage, fufu, fish and much more. AU members said the main objective throughout the night was to share Africa’s culture, and within that, their unity and diversity.

KIRBY DAVIS/Northern Iowan

 See AFRICAN NIGHT, page 2

you’re a man, it doesn’t excuse you from that.”

In McNeal’s senior year at Iowa State University (ISU), she decided to film a documentary about her life. Within this documentary, she discussed her own experience with sexual violence, which led other sexual violence survivors to reach out to McNeal with stories of their own.

The feedback she received from these survivors inspired her second documentary, entitled “We Are Survivors,” which was screened on campus last year. In this film, there was

one male survivor that shared his story. The response to his story inspired the creation of McNeal’s new documentary, “The Voiceless.”

“I sought out and tried to find survivors, and that was probably the most difficult part — getting people to feel comfortable sharing their story,” McNeal said. “It is beyond just the incident. People need to understand how this affects the trajectory of people’s lives because it is bigger than just that.”  See THE VOICELESS, page 2

KIRBY DAVIS/Northern Iowan

KIRBY DAVIS/Northern Iowan

PAGE 2

APRIL 3, 2017

THE VOICELESS

continued from page 1

This documentary features the survivors telling their own stories, as well as the importance behind being aware that sexual violence occurs to men, not just women. According to McNeal, many people are unaware of the likelihood that men are just as susceptible to sexual violence as women are.

“Some of the things that have been said to survivors is that: ‘You’re a man — you should have fought them off,’ or ‘You’re a man — that can’t happen to you,’” McNeal said.

“And that’s just not true.”

Jassim Al Rebh, a UNI student and a survivor featured in “The Voiceless,” feels strongly about sexual violence against children.

“I hope people give children more [of the] attention that they deserve, which I think [children] do not get that,” Al Rebh said.

McNeal’s documentary works to demonstrate that sexual violence needs to be

AFRICAN NIGHT

continued from page 1

As music resounded around the room, the event began with the master of ceremonies, Samuel Atadoga, jumping up on the stage and welcoming the guests as he danced to the music. He set the tone for a laid back evening, yet one that promised excitement and entertainment.

Atadoga welcomed Lazarus

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recognized and prevented.

According to McNeal, people also need to be made aware of sexual violence within, but not limited to, families, religious communities, law enforcement, the military and the workplace.

“Sexual violence is predictable, and subsequently, preventable. It’s an intentional choice that someone — or a group — makes,” said Alan Heisterkamp, director of the Center for Violence Prevention. “It should be approached as a public health issue and requires education and support at all grade levels in education and within multiple systems…. Teaching and reinforcing that which constitutes a healthy relationship — care, respect, consent, partnership, etc. — should be a priority.”

Jesse White, a UNI student and sexual violence survivor, discussed how his experience with sexual violence has affected his life to this day, including his willingness to confide in people.

“Trust in others,” White said. “I became even more

guarded. I just kind of closed myself up emotionally to others.”

The filmmaking process of “The Voiceless,” however, helped both Al Rebh and White with the healing process and brought personal

Adua, assistant professor of sociology and advisor to AU, to the stage. Adua began the evening by educating the audience on the African Union organization and its recent resurgence.

“At one point African Union was almost dead,” Adua said. He reflected on how a member of the group confronted him and asked if something could be done to bring it back to life.

“The students worked so hard to put this together,” Adua said.

Adua went on to emphasize that Africa is very diverse, but, at the same time, is unified.

As the “Dream Divas” took the stage next, the performance shifted to a more lighthearted tone. This dance group of four girls kick-started the night as the lights dimmed and music pounded throughout the room. The energy they displayed, as well as the energy from the rest of the dancers that followed, resonated with the audience, eliciting cheers and applause.

Following this act, Wilson Kubwayo quieted the crowd by reading several poems. He immediately held the attention of the audience as his energetic charisma and obvious passion for his homeland came through in his poems, which focused on embracing and remembering where one comes from, as well as the issues of poverty, hunger and strength.

After a traditional dance number from the East African Region picked up the pace again, AU members strode around the room for a fashion show. The performers walked amongst the crowd arm-in-arm in everything from shirts to dresses, head scarfs and jumpers, flamboyantly showing off their brilliantly colored clothes.

Atadoga never missed an opportunity to entertain the crowd with a short danceoff before announcing the acts. Following the fashion show, there was more dancing, skits and spoken-word, which again emphasized unity, as well as issues such as injustice and

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VOLUME 113, ISSUE 47

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Vanessa McNeal (left), pictured on the film site for “The Voiceless.” “The Voiceless” will make its UNI premiere at the GBPAC on Wednesday.

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growth to both survivors.

McNeal encouraged students to attend the documentary screening on Wednesday, emphasizing the opportunity it will provide for students to hear the ways sexual assault affects men.

“I hope that at a very foundational level, people can finally acknowledge men as survivors,” McNeal said. “I hope that they can find a deeper sense of compassion for men who experience stuff like this.”

KIRBY DAVIS/Northern Iowan

Lazarus Adua, the African Union’s advisor and assistant professor of sociology, educated the audience on the AU and its resurgence.

poverty.

Artist Togar Howard helped end the night with a bang as he performed a song and dance on stage, which he concluded by jumping down and dancing in the aisles with audience members. After one more large dance number, Atadoga ended the evening by honoring the AU members who will be graduating from UNI this year.

After the show, Rachel The Northern Iowan is published semi-weekly on Monday and Thursday during the academic year, except for holidays and examination periods, by the University of Northern Iowa, L011 Maucker Union, Cedar Falls, IA 50614-0166 under the auspices of the Board of Student Publications.

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David, a performer and member of AU, stressed the organization’s diversity.

“We are a diverse place,” David said. “Everyone has their own culture and personality.”

The recurring themes of diversity and unity resonated with all the performers and the audience.

Howard summed up his feelings about the evening. “I’m proud to be African.”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Letters must be less than 300 words in length and are subject to editing. Not all submissions will be printed. Send submissions to fishenab@uni.edu.

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OPINION

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Editor’s note: Andrew Heppeard’s piece is in response to a column titled, “Bad studies don’t help rape victims” published in the March 30 edition of the Northern Iowan.

Last Thursday, our paper printed an article by columnist Kyle Day. Normally, I do not give this particular columnist my time, but the topic was too near to me not to read it. If you have troubles reading articles about violence or sexual assault, I implore you to turn the page until such a time you are ready to consume such material.

As a rape survivor myself, I wanted to see how survivors could be negatively impacted by the studies Day’s article referenced, and I must say that at first, I agreed with what was said — a whole two paragraphs in, and I found nothing out of place with what was written.

The third paragraph is where the rabbit hole took a dark twist.

We’ll start with definitions first, just to be sure we are all on the same page.

Rape is legally defined in Iowa as forced penetration of the vaginal (for cis or post-surgery Trans* women), oral or anal cavities, including obtaining consent under coercion.

Sexual assault is not limited by penetration and includes examples like forced kissing.

Executive Editor

VOLUME 113, ISSUE 47

‘Bad studies’ uses bad definition of rape Now, as for “coercion,” what exactly does that mean? In Iowa, this means that the assailant uses some form of authority over their victim, as a boss might over an employee. In many states, like Michigan and Rhode Island, this includes obtaining consent under false pretenses — with or without authority playing a role in the relationship of the involved parties.

What this means is that Day’s examples of “false

NICK FISHER

article about one study in particular in the American Association for the Advancement of Science’s publication, EurikaAlert!

To be clear, a 1-in-5 rate of sexual assault — not just rape — would be 20 percent, and this study shows that the statistics for attempted and completed rape alone reach nearly that in one year on said college campus. This study did not cover other types of sexual assault, like unwanted grop-

LTE: Response to ‘Bad studies’ from NI Feminist

Trigger warning: sexual assault and rape My name is Brenna Wolfe, and I am currently the treasurer of Northern Iowa Feminists and a volunteer advocate for the Riverview Center. I have dedicated a lot of time into sex education, consent education, advocacy for survivors and sexual assault awareness.

Last Thursday, when I read Kyle Day’s column, I was appalled.

The one correct thing Day said was that sometimes people and institutions do have mixed definitions of rape and sexual assault. Let me clear that up.

According to the Department of Justice, sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. This includes but is not limited to unwanted kissing, coercion (or “false promises”), verbal harassment, touching and rape.

Pexels.com According to the Center Heppeard says bad definitions of sexual assault overlook behaviors that are considered sexual assault including “obtaining consent under false for Disease Control, in 2012, pretenses” and “unwanted kissing.”

1 in 5 women (18.3 percent) and 1 in 71 men (1.4 percent) reported experiencing rape at promises” and “unwanted ing or kissing. kissing” are in fact sexual This study surveyed some time in their lives. These assault, whether or not he upstate New York. In 2012, numbers are true and do not wants them to be counted the Washington Post report- exaggerate. If Day has issues among US campus statistics ed statistics for reported with surveying and advocacy for whatever unimaginable sex offenses on campus — organizations, I implore him reason Day may want them rather than anonymous sur- to cite his sources; otherwise, to be overlooked. veys as in the study above, he is making baseless accusaUsed by a number of which often have higher tions.

Next, Day stated that manarticles published in Inside numbers due to reluctance Higher Ed by Scott Jaschik to publically report sexual datory consent education is and Jake New since early assaults — and of the high- “just plain wrong means to 2015, one study conduct- est reported percentages, combat [sexual assault].” ed by Brown University New York was not featured Um, what? In 2015, The (Providence, RI) has shown until Bard College at num- Washington Post published a poll that 18 percent of college that over 18 percent of ber 12. freshman women on selectGrinnell College in Iowa students think someone has ed campuses have been a was second highest in the consented as long as they don’t say “no.” This is contributvictim of attempted or com- nation. ing to sexual assault! Without pleted rape. education on consent, how can You can find a 2015

we expect sexual violence statistics to go down? One of the most obvious solutions to rape culture and sexual violence is to have clear, comprehensive and continuous consent education.

Day’s complete erasure of the LGBTQ+ community was appalling, which has the highest sexual assault rates of any marginalized community. 1 in 4 trans individuals will be sexually assaulted or experience attempted sexual assault at some time in college (National Sexual Violence Resource Center).

In one of the last paragraphs, Day states that in “kangaroo courts… the accused is guilty until proven innocent.” In 2011, University of Kentucky reported that 18 percent of prosecuted rape cases end in a conviction. That is less than a fifth are found guilty. Unfortunately, survivors have to fight hard and often be re-victimized in court to get convictions.

Lastly, Day ended his article by encouraging readers to “think critically about the… link between sexual assault and alcohol assumption.”

With little explanation on this sentence, I assume he is referencing that half of sexual assaults include alcohol consumption, and this is victim-blaming.

Kyle Day, you are the reason for sexual assault awareness campaigns. It is now April, and I encourage you to cite your sources and educate yourself during Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

PS – They are survivors, not victims.

International Institute for Sustainable Development and the Columbia Center on Sustainable Investment suggested that automation could replace 40 to 70 percent of current mine workers in the near future. Thirty-eight percent is just the 2030s projection. At some point, the vast majority of jobs will likely be automated.

The reports highlight an important but often overlooked reality; due to automation, at some point in the very-near future there will not be enough jobs to employ everybody who needs work.

Physicist Stephen Hawking

tially 1/3 of the population is unemployed. If we march to the 2030s without making substantial societal changes automation will be a disaster. There is absolutely no infrastructure in place to take place of the people who will find themselves out of work.

Currently, there seem to be two major solution to the automation problem.

One suggestion is universal basic income (UBI). A UBI is a fixed income provided to all adult citizens by their home country, regardless of income or employment status.

See ‘BAD STUDIES’, page 9

-Brenna Wolfe, treasurer of Northern Iowa Feminists

Study: 38 percent of US jobs automated by 2030s An interesting but concerning report from P ri c ewate r h ou s e Co o pe r s released last week suggested 38 percent of US jobs will potentially be at a “high risk” of automation by the early 2030s. The fields and industries at the highest risk of near-term automation included manufacturing, transportation, storage and many more.

A recent study by the

wrote in a column to The Guardian, “The automation of factories has already decimated jobs in traditional manufacturing, and the rise of artificial intelligence is likely to extend this job destruction deep into the middle classes, with the only the most caring, creative or supervisory roles remaining.”

Something that may be even more concerning than automation is the complete lack of societal planning for automation. I have seen newspaper and internet articles addressing automation, but nothing from those who make real policy decisions.

Government and politicians do not seem to have any ideas for an automated future. None of the presidential candidates mentioned automation in any meaningful way during the primary and general campaigns.

There are two likely reasons for this. Many politicians do not know about the reality of automation yet (though they ought to), plus admitting that some jobs are gone and are never coming back is a terrible way to get people to vote for you.

The time to start thinking of solutions is now, not in two decades when poten-

See AUTOMATED, page 9

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APRIL 3, 2017

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CAMPUS LIFE

NORTHERNIOWAN.COM

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CLINTON OLSASKY

Associate Executive Editor

VOLUME 113, ISSUE 47

FILM REVIEW

Film fails to breathe new “Life” into genre JOSHUA ROUSE

Film Critic

When the crew aboard the ISS (Inter national Space Station) retrieves a pod returning with samples from Mars, they are thrilled to discover that the samples contain evidence of life

beyond Earth.

Little do they know, some things are better left undiscovered. Now, in a fight for survival, the crew must outsmart the rapidly growing and adapting alien life form before it kills them all or escapes to the Earth below.

Directing: 3/5 As far as premise goes, “Life” brings nothing new to the table. Since Ridley Scott’s “Alien” kicked off the space horror genre in the late ’70s, countless movies have followed that involve a hostile alien on a stranded space station, hunting down

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Director Daniel Espinosa’s new sci-fi horror film “Life,” starring Ryan Reynolds, currently holds a 67 percent approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

the doomed crew members one by one. But still, director Daniel Espinosa manages to breathe enough “life” into his movie to keep it entertaining.

The one thing that sticks out the most is the constant zero-gravity effect throughout the movie.

Whether the characters are working at a computer terminal or gazing out a window at the wide expanse of space, there is constantly minor movement, either from the actors themselves or from the objects floating about them.

This subtle movement ultimately succeeds in giving the visual reminder that the characters are in space.

In addition, this weightlessness effect becomes particularly effective when the alien begins its attack, and the blood starts to fly (or float, rather) around the scene, adding to the inherent horror of the scene.

Writing: 3/5 As stated before, “Life” follows the same story beats as any other “trappedin-space” horror film. Its plot points tread familiar ground, yet the whole film still manages to be an engaging monster flick.

The first act starts solidly enough and sets things quickly into motion, with the alien (affectionately named “Calvin,” after an elementary school wins a contest) proving its formidable capabilities.

The middle of the movie hits sort of a rut, however, as the action lulls and things slow to a halt. It is only at the second half of “Life” where the film kicks off at a welcome, yet muddled, jolt. The ending is a surprise, but in a most satisfying way.

Calvin, while being plenty creepy and dangerously unique in its own right, doesn’t leave as much of an impression as the monsters

of past sci-fi horror films, though.

Acting: 3/5 Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds and Rebecca Ferguson lead the cast as Dr. David Jordan, Pilot Rory Adams and Dr. Miranda North, respectively. The rest of the team includes Hiroyuki Sanada as Engineer Sho Murakami, Ariyon Bakare as Dr. Hugh Derry, and Olga Dihovichnaya as Commander Katerina Golovkina.

All of these actors and actresses put forth commendable performances, despite the one-note qualities of their characters. The ones with the most depth are Gyllenhaal and Bakare, whose motivations for being in space are explored in some truly tender moments.

It is with these two towards which the audience feels the most sympathy, as they all face down the threat of Calvin.

Overall: If you are a fan of scifi horror, and have already seen the classics like “Alien” or “Predator,” go ahead and give “Life” a try. It’s recognizable plot beats are bound to still be a thrilling ride despite the blockbusters that have come before it.

If you have yet to see “Alien” or “Predator,” I’d recommend checking those pioneers of trapped-inspace horror films first, before seeing “Life.”

TL;DR (TOO LONG; DIDN’T READ

+ Classic space horror plot formula makes for familiar, yet enjoyable flick. + Excellent performances despite one-note characters.

- Plot starts off great, slows a bit, then jolts off to a satisfying third act.

APRIL 3, 2017

NAME

Editor Position

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the french fry is completely satire. any resemblance to any real persons is completely coincidental. the statements in the french fry do not reflect the views of the northern iowan, nor do they reflect the views of advertisers outside of pages 5, 6, 7 or 8. thx

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PAGE 5

Appr

oval

Student receives strange powers after bite

SPIDEY-CAM

The university’s spidey-cam captured Spidergirl scaling the Campanile for fun.

JOHNNY MAD-HANDS Liberal Propogandist

After being bitten by a spider in her room, a Rider Hall resident has been seen swinging from building to building on campus. The web-slinging student agreed to speak with the

Northern Iowan (NI), but wished to go by the name Spidergirl to avoid NI Art Director, Eyelash Seinfeld. Seinfeld has been aggressively attempting to get pictures of the student since the web-slinging sightings first began. Spidergirl first wanted to clarify the language surrounding mutations.

“Mutant really is an outdated, derogatory term,” Spidergirl said. “We prefer ‘people with mutations’ — unless you are in Magneto’s gang with all the flare and costuming. They like to emphasize that they’re mutants, but usually they’re compensating for something.” According to Spidergirl, people without muta-

tions are called ‘normies’ by people with mutations. Spidergirl spoke of her first realization of being a person with a mutation.

“Well I first noticed that something had changed when I went to leave my room to go to class one morning,” Spidergirl said. “I grabbed the door handle and opened the door and about

caused the clowns’ sudden exodus.

However, that mystery now seems to be finally unraveling as a UNI facilities employee made a shocking discovery late last Friday.

Emma Kelly, who heads the daily facility operations in Seerley Hall, was reportedly cleaning out the UNI president’s office, which is housed in the first floor of the building, when she came across an item that left her in shock.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it,” Kelly said.

“There, tucked away in the corner of the room was — as plain as day — a red nose! I’ll be honest, I almost fainted when I

saw it. But I was able to regain my composure in time to call my colleagues into the room to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.”

Indeed, Kelly’s eyes weren’t playing tricks on her. According to Kelly, she had been reorganizing the president’s office in preparation for President Mike Gnook’s first day on the job.

The red nose was allegedly balanced atop a box in the corner of the room that was labeled “Rude’s Secret Stuff – Don’t Touch!”

Kelly told the Northern Iowan (NI) in an interview that the box itself had been emptied and that the red nose was the only item left with the box.

Although there was no other evidence to support her claim, Kelly asserts that the red nose is proof that former UNI President Will B. Rude had an explicit connection with last semester’s clown sightings.

“I don’t care what anyone says — that red nose proves that Rude was behind those clown sightings all along!”

Kelly said. “I had heard talk around Seerley before he left last year that he was a notorious prankster. He loved a good whoopie cushion! And I think this whole clown business was his last-ditch effort to get one last prank in before he left.”

10 feet down the hallway I still had the handle in my hand.”

According to Spidergirl, she was running late for class so she stuffed the door handle in her hoodie pocket and had to right with her left hand for the rest of the class.

See SPIDERGIRL, page 7

Rumors abound regarding clown takeover mastermind CLINT MICHIGAN Water Crisis

Last semester, UNI’s campus morphed into a nightmarish funhouse as numerous students reported being terrorized by anonymous individuals disguised as creepy clowns at night.

Fortunately, this campus-wide nightmare didn’t last long, as the frequency of the clown sightings eventually dwindled down to zero by the end of the semester. And although the departure of the clowns largely came as a relief to the UNI community, their inexplicable disappearance led many to question just what

See RUDE CLOWN, page 6

ARTIST RENDERING

Here is an artist’s rendering of what the clown culprit looks like.

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APRIL 3, 2016

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NORTHERNIOWAN.COM

KNEWS |

JOHNNY MAD-HANDS

LIBERAL PROPAGANDIST

VOLUME -1,000,000,000, ISSUE 42

Mulder and Scully begin campus paranormal investigation CROWLEY “KING OF HELL” Your Problematic Fave

There were four reported open car break-in cases on the weekend of Feb. 17, and now the Federal Bureau of Investigation has sent down agents to take up the case.

FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully have been on UNI’s campus since the return from spring break to discover exactly who or what was involved in these auto vehicle break-ins.

One student victim of a car burglary, wishing to remain unnamed, said, “It still doesn’t seem like the case is making any sense.

The FBI just keeps asking me questions about crop circles and the campus ghosts.”

One of the agents was willing to speak on the record with the Northern Iowan (NI) about the open cases.

“Let’s just say these cases have a…distinct smell to them. A certain…paranormal bouquet,” said Mulder.

Both agents have revisited the scenes of the crimes, which included the Dome North and West B lot and the Tech B lot. Mulder

RUDE CLOWN

continued from page 5

Kelly said she believes that Rude, who assumed the responsibilities of president at Scary Debtors’ College in Ohio back in August, would come back to Cedar Falls every weekend to terrorize the students in full

said they further discovered through a large scope of social media postings from UNI students around the time of the crime, that strange hooded figures with masks were seen running around campus.

One student witness, Drake Carter, a philosophy and alchemy double major, said, “I saw the guy. He was wearing a skeleton mask and dressed in a cult-like black-loose body suit.”

Carter also said that he wasn’t sure if the person he saw was really a person at all.

“I mean he would be walking, but then he’d start running on all fours but like a big cat if that makes sense,” said Carter. “It looked primal, like a panther or something.”

“I always start suspecting everyone and everything,” said Mulder. “Especially on a campus here like UNI. It can wear you down, but this ‘Panther Pride’ has made for a fascinating challenge.

I think the answer to this case is closer to home than you’d think. There may be more to TC, TK and the ‘Fight Song’ than anyone here even realizes.”

UNI student Gabe Combes spoke previously to the NI about his car break-

in experience.

“I don’t think I’ll get my stuff back,” said Combs.

“But I do believe the FBI are getting to the bottom of this. Like they’ve found a witness — that’s a big step up.”

Scully would not comment on the active case, but did comment on her partner and her time on campus.

“It’s a quaint campus,” said Scully. “A good setting for a typical ‘90s crime

drama.”

Scully also said that her partner has a penchant for saying the things he’s thinking as he’s thinking them, and to not take his ideas too seriously.

On getting to the end of the case, Mulder said he is confident he knows who the culprit is.

“UNI keeps great records through the Rod library and that’s all it took to narrow down the suspect,” said

Mulder. “This is clearly a classic case of a were-panther gone rogue. Campus paper records show that the same trend of burglaries happened in the ‘90s — specifically 1992. It’s unfortunate that agents like us weren’t on those cases back then.”

As of press time, UNI public relations have not been in contact with the NI to either confirm or deny the Mulder’s suspicions.

clown regalia.

Tim Tollcart, who was named interim president following Rude’s departure, strongly denied these allegations leveled against Rude.

“I don’t know who this Emma Kelly thinks she is, but the accusations that she’s making are ludicrous — plain and

simple,” Tollcart said. “Rude was a good — no, a great — man! And we should be lucky as a university that we were blessed with his presence for even one year — let alone the three he so selflessly gave us.”

Despite Tollcart’s adamant denial of Rude’s alleged connection to the clown sightings,

reports from officials at Scary Debtors’ College seem to support Kelly’s claims.

According to Jan Bland, the provost at Scary Debtors’ College, Rude had routinely taken weekend trips for “personal reasons” throughout last semester.

“Rude has already done such great work here at Scary Debtors, and we’re so glad to have him as our president,” Bland said. “However, with that being said, I have to say that he left the university quite a bit last semester. Almost every single weekend, he would inform us that he would have to leave for a few days. He’d never say where.

He’d never say why — only that it was ‘personal.’”

Kelly agrees that the reason behind Rude’s weekend absences was personal — very personal.

“I’m telling you, Rude was the one behind all those clown sightings! Don’t believe me?

Well, did you know that every weekend that Rude took one of his so-called ‘personal trips,’ that there was a clown sighting here at UNI?” Kelly said. “That’s right — every single weekend!”

According to Kelly, she had

checked in with officials at Scary Debtors, and they confirmed that Rude was unaccounted for during every weekend that there was a clown sighting at UNI. “This is all just crazy conspiracy theories and urban legends,” Tollcart said. “I mean, just think about it for a second.

If Rude really was behind the clown sightings, then why did the sightings stop all of a sudden at the end of the semester?

Please explain that one to me.

Why would he just stop?”

Kelly said that she believes the sightings stopped as UNI’s presidential search committee got closer and closer to selecting Rude’s successor. According to Kelly, the prospect of having someone other than Tollcart leading UNI scared him away.

“Rude and Tollcart were in bed together — everybody knew that,” Kelly said. “By the time it was announced that Mike Gnook was taking over, the clown sightings just, kind of, stopped. Coincidence? I think not.”

President Gnook had not responded to the Northern Iowan’s request for comment as of press time.

I LITERALLY GOOGLED THIS

Agents Fox Mulder (left) and Dana Scully (right), who specialize in “X-File” cases, are pictured here phoning for help after getting stuck in the Dancer Hall elevator in the middle of their investigation.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL PICTURE THIS TIME I SWEAR

An actual rude clown (pictured above) that did, in fact, get elected president.

MR. NEWSMAN

Northern Iowan Lifer

HIP-HAPPENIN’S

APRIL 3, 2017 |

NORTHERNIOWAN.COM

PAGE 7

| APRIL FOOLS

Pres. Gnook to build wall on UNI campus MR. NEWSMAN Staff Righter

In a stunning exercise of executive prerogative, recently named UNI President Mike Gnook has rewritten university code to include the immediate construction of a wall.

The action, announced in an email to UNI students on April 1, is a move to curb what the administration sees as a “problematic trend” in student behavior.

“The University of Northern Iowa has been embarrassed by recently released data that claims UNI is a ‘suitcase campus,’” stated the president’s email.

“Students are packing up and leaving for the weekend in droves, and we will not stand for it ... Let us be clear: we are going to build this wall not to keep people out, but to keep students in.”

Recent data released by the Center for Student Population Studies (CSPS) reports 99 percent of UNI students surveyed said they prefer to head for home each weekend rather than staying on campus. The CSPS concluded that UNI is, in fact, a “suitcase campus” — a conclusion that struck many UNI students as quite obvious.

“It’s easier to just pack up and go,” said Phil Student,

Eyelash Seinfeld/French Fry

According to sources within Gnook’s administration, the wall is suspect to occupy the area of UNI’s campus immediately south of the campanile.

a freshman general studies major. “I don’t think I know any students who stay in Cedar Falls on the weekend. There’s nothing here for us, and our families are just so close.”

Gnook said the “suitcase campus” phenomenon is an embarrassment to UNI, and his administration will not tolerate it.

“Let me tell you, we can fix this. And we will fix it bigly with a tremendously big, big wall. It’s gonna be a yuge, beautiful, gorgeous wall,”

Gnook said in an interview with the Northern Iowan.

“This wall represents this administration’s central philosophy: UNI first.”

Records show UNI’s code has since been updated with language regarding the wall’s construction.

“A physical barrier along the southern border of UNI’s campus shall be constructed immediately. It will be monitored and supported by adequate personnel as to preserve the security of the student

SPIDERGIRL

continued from page 5

“I got the whole sticky hands thing figured out now,” Spidergirl said. “Now I have plans to take this problem to the administrative level.”

After suffering the initial spider bite, Spidergirl’s family paid thousands of dollars in medical expenses which the university did not reimburse. President Gnook agreed to comment on the situation.

“Wait really? She can swing from building to building?” Gnook said. “Look I just got a budget submitted and the Iowa Legislature isn’t doing me any favors.

How am I supposed to deal with a superpowered student roaming campus when I can barely deal with a superpowered Republican party roaming Capitol Hill?”

According to Spidergirl, Gnook does not have the requisite diversity qualifications to deal with her problem. “With great administrative power comes great responsibility to the students,” Spidergirl said.

“But with great super powers comes great responsibility for me to annoy the administration.”

Spidergirl plans to web

Courtesy/WD-40 Man!

The Rider resident who recently acquired super spidey power is eyeing her first super villain to conquer: the beguiling “WD-40 Man!”

the president’s office shut in protest of his lack of support for people with mutations on campus.

“I would transfer to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters,” Spidergirl said.

“But that place has been destroyed so many times that tuition is through the roof. I can barely afford UNI, and we’re the red-headed stepchild of the big three.”

According to Spidergirl, this mutation has caused quite an adjustment in her life, but there are some perks.

“It makes getting around a lot easier,” Spidergirl said.

“The only problem is that once I get off campus the buildings aren’t tall enough

so I have to take the bus, but at least the whole wall climbing thing helped avoid the all-state speech crowd in the union.”

Spidergirl said that she is not a superhero, but that she is trying to live a normal life.

“I just want to go to college like anyone else,” Spidergirl said. “I want to pass my classes, take long naps, and go to Sharky’s on the weekends,” Spidergirl said.

According to Spidergirl, normies can simulate what it is like to have her wallclimbing ability by rubbing their hands on Sharky’s carpet and trying to climb the walls on a Saturday night.

population,” reads UNI’s updated code.

The Board of Regents has come out in support of the wall, provided that students pay for it.

“If President Gnook wants the support of the Board, this wall must be paid for with a nominal increase in tuition,” said Butch Rattata, president of the BOR. “We could get on board with that.”

Experts said Gnook’s administration would be wise to take advantage of the long-

standing BOR philosophy that any tuition hike is a good tuition hike.

“If Gnook goes that route — raising tuition prices — he’ll get his wall,” said Joe Researcher, a researcher researching research. “They’ll support any increase in student tuition as long as it’s an increase in student tuition.”

Experts have estimated tuition will need to be raised to $100,000 per student in order to cover the cost of the wall.

Despite comments from the BOR, Gnook promised the UNI community that other regent institutions will foot the bill for the wall.

“Iowa City, Ames — they’re the one’s siphoning our students on the weekends,” Gnook said in an impassioned speech he made from atop the Maucker Union. “Let the University of Iowa pay for it!

Let ISU pay for it!”

Neither the U of I nor ISU has expressed interest in paying for the wall; both university presidents have issued statements denouncing Nook’s actions.

Shortly before press time, various students told the Northern Iowan their U-bills had incurred substantial charges, amounting to roughly $100,000. The NI has been unable to verify these claims due to privacy laws.

LTE: The Film club advertisements must end — NOW!

The NI has published far too many Film Appreciation Club advertisements. I find these excessive ads to be completely superfluous and shows a clear bias from the Northern Iowan.

Everyone knows that Hollywood is a political propaganda machine, and those who enjoy these movies are clearly a part of the establishment. It didn’t take a long investigation to find that in fact, the president of the extremist Film Appreciation Club is also an editor with the campus paper.

There is a clear matter of collusion here to the lowest degree.

Besides the clear collusion, I take offense to the nature of the movies viewed at Film Appreciation Club (which I don’t attend, and wouldn’t enjoy if I did). For example, the club watched “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” — a movie so dull it put most attendees to sleep.

A free press is essential to a healthy democracy, and the Film Club ads are seeking to subvert that. From “Triumph of the Quill,” the pioneering 1930s political propoganda film by Lenny Renner, to “A Dog’s Proposal,” a recent Lassie Hailstorm film in support of beastiality, movies are the chosen medium of political reeducation. The NI should disavow this editor and his disasterous club’s poltical agenda!

- Concerned student

PAGE 8

APRIL 3, 2017

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SPORTS GURU

VOLUME 113, ISSUE 47

Bandwagon tour follows Cubs’ trophy around midwest GOLDEN STATE WARRIOR FAN Not Bill Murray

The Chicago Cubs did the impossible this past Nov. and, despite a three-to-one lead by the Cleveland Indians, the team battled back and won their first World Series in 108 seasons.

The Indians now lead the MLB with the longest championship drought in history, after failing to win the big one in their last 68 seasons.

The list is then followed by the Texas Rangers (56 seasons), the Houston Astros (55 seasons) and the Milwaukee Brewers (48 seasons). This is simply a list of some other possible bandwagon tours to come in the near future, but this summer’s recruiting belongs to Chicago.

After such an outstanding season, some form of recognition is required. The Cubs will host a “trophy tour” throughout the Midwest to let fans see the trophy, as well as all the hard work that went into obtaining it.

Various trophy tour locations include Chicago City Hall, Indiana University and the Under Armour Brand house on Michigan Ave. The event will finally wrap up by heading back to Chicago for the 2017 home opener.

That being said, a separate bandwagon tour will also be making various stops throughout the Midwest to pick up any fans who had possibly given up hope on a losing Cubs franchise, but recently decided to change their minds.

The bandwagon tour will

The Chicago bandwagon heads out to its first midwest location: the University of Northern Iowa. Ecstatic students piled on for the ride.

get things rolling with a visit to UNI, the University of Iowa and Iowa State University before heading to the south side of Chicago, where the bandwagon will pick up any White Sox fans who were unhappy with a 78-84 record last season.

The bandwagon tour will end at Wrigley Field at the end of this week, at which point all the new Cubs fans will be deposited in front of the baseball stadium’s gift shop, where Wrigley will be holding a spe-

cial promotion: anyone who trades in any piece of MLB apparel with a different team’s logo will receive a 75 percent discount off Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo jerseys. These two players actually helped sponsor the bandwagon tour and are consistently cited as two favorites for members of the tour.

The Cubs bandwagon is currently scheduled to make a stop on UNI’s campus later today. Many UNI students have expressed excitement at

the prospect of jumping on the bandwagon, such as sophomore business major Will Burray.

“I love the Cubs; I am such a hardcore fan!” Burray said. “I can’t even remember when my fandom first started because it was so long ago. I want to say it was November of 2016, but it might have been October.

Who’s to say?”

Stacey Jenkins, a UNI junior majoring in public relations, echoed Burray’s sentiment by emphasizing her own

SEYMOUR PHOTOS

love for the Cubs.

“No one is a bigger fan of the Cubbies than me,” Jenkins said. “I can’t wait for that bandwagon to come through here today. I’m going to jump on it so hard that I’m not even going to know what hit me!”

The Cubs play the St. Louis Cardinals tonight in their second game of the regular season. Many members of the Cubs bandwagon are expected to be cheering on the Cubs, both in attendance at the game and watching at home.

NO JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS

Ranschau is redeemed vs hurdle NOE HOPS

Sports Columnist

The indoor season for track and field has just recently gotten underway, and athletes have been conditioning in their different events before the outdoor season begins and the weather gets nicer.

Sprinters are sprinting quicker, distances are getting longer and throwers are throwing farther.

For those individuals who can clear hurdles or jump like a tree frog, (tree frogs can jump 150 times their own body length, according to the Kratt brothers of Zoboomafoo fame) they face a challenge other track athletes do not have to worry about.

Because what goes up must come down, hurdles can easily clip anyone try-

ing to go top speed in a close race. Hurdlers perfect their approach to allow little distance between themselves and the top of the hurdle in order to clear it as quickly as possible.

Abigail Ranschau is a hurdler at UNI who was attacked by one of these monsters, which caught her off guard and resulted in a nasty fall. When asked about the encounter, Ranschau had no intentions of even jumping over it, but the hurdle decided to take its shot anyway.

“I was doing some warmups and work on my footing a little,” Ranschau said. “It wasn’t even set up, and I was just surprised.”

After that day, Ranschau would begin training at a much higher intensity and was clearing hurdles with

ease. She changed her diet, warmup routines and premeet rituals dramatically before challenging that particular hurdle to a rematch.

While Ranschau had been practicing for the event, the hurdle did nothing to prepare. It never moved and just laid around the UNIDome, either out of confidence or laziness. It was apparent that the hurdle was confident it was going to clip the determined hurdler once again.

According to Ranshau, on the week of the rematch, the hurdle and the hurdler met up and discussed a wager on the match.

Ranschau said she had shown zero signs of weakness and that she had never even considered the idea of defeat.

After their conversation,

it was publicly announced that the bet involved a particularly interesting stipulation: if the hurdle lost in this second encounter to Ranshau, then it would have to relinquish its hurdle designation and be demoted to barricade for the concession stand at the local fair.

According to police reports from last week, the hurdle tried to use illegal performance enhancers, but they were not compatible with its steel frame so the police let it off the hook.

It tried to hire a personal trainer but no one had the patience to train a collegiate hurdle.

Three days before the match, and running out of time, the hurdle tried to make a claim about how the match was unfair due to all of the additional

help Ranschau was receiving from coaches and teammates.

No one even raised an eyebrow at its comment, as 97 percent of the world guessed Ranschau would win. People everywhere were betting on this event, the largest dollar value being $18 million.

On the day of the rematch, the hurdle tried to apologize but Ranschau ignored it. The gun went off to start, and thousands cheered as she jumped over it at least six times.

After being carried out the hurdle skipped town and no one ever heard from that particular hurdle again. Some reports claim it is commonly heckled and harassed as it hides behind the track and field sheds at local middle schools.

CLINTON OLSASKY

Associate Executive Editor

APRIL 3, 2017 |

CAMPUS LIFE

NORTHERNIOWAN.COM

|

VOLUME 113, ISSUE 47

Panther Portrait: CLINTON OLSASKY Associate Executive Editor

UNI students were able to channel their inner nerd this weekend, as the Rod Library held their fourth annual RodCon, their mini comic book convention.

The event was held on Saturday, April 1, from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. It was free and open to the public.

There were numerous all-day activities scheduled at the convention, including a photo booth, silent auction, board games and both children and adult costume contests.

In addition to all the countless merchandise booths sprinkled throughout the library, attendees also had the opportunity to participate in various trivia

fourth annual Rod Con

contests throughout the day.

Some of the trivia topics were: Disney, classic Star Trek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Doctor Who. RodCon also offered several guest speakers, including storyboard artist Adam Van Wyk, who spoke about planning out one’s ideas when constructing a storyboard.

Attendees were also treated to some fresh, new comedy as local improv troupe Half Masted also performed at the convention.

The Wall of Comic Art, a collection of 93 pieces of comic-related artwork was also on display in the Rod Library. All the artwork on display was created by UNI students, staff and faculty, as well as community members.

GABRIELLE LEITNER/Northern Iowan

GABRIELLE LEITNER/Northern Iowan

AUTOMATED

continued from page 3

A lot of different opinions for the details of American UBI exist, but the most common suggestions in terms of an amount are $10,000-$15,000 a year to each adult citizen.

Proponents argue that a UBI will keep people out of poverty after their jobs are automated, and will foster an outburst of creativity, research and entrepreneurship. The UBI is supposedly enough to keep people out of poverty, but low enough to incentive people to work the remaining jobs in society.

Opponents of UBI say that guaranteed income will disincentivize people to work.

Opponents also note that

a UBI program will be very expensive. Lastly, a UBI would be near-impossible to implement in the US. America cannot even provide healthcare and higher education to everyone who needs it; good luck with providing guaranteed, no-strings-attached cash.

Several countries are experimenting with UBI programs right now, so we should have some hard data to work with soon.

Another suggestion is machine assignment. The idea is that you are assigned a machine at birth, and you make an income roughly equivalent to that machine’s productivity throughout your life. For example, when I am born I am assigned a machine at a Ford factory in Detroit.

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PAGE 9

GABRIELLE LEITNER/Northern Iowan

The machine produces about $35,000 in goods each year, so I would make $35,000 a year. A robot is doing all of the work that you would otherwise be doing, but you reap all of the benefits and income.

Many unanswered questions remain. How would governments pay for a UBI? How do we incentivize people to continue working remaining jobs? What will people do with all of their newfound free time?

Should some people make more money than others because the machine they were assigned at birth produces more valuable goods?

Automation brings many big questions that will have complicated answers. But we need to at least start having the conversation. Automation can bring about a utopian society, or an unprecedented disaster. Automation could be the most significant change in human life since the Neolithic Revolution.

The 2030s will be here very soon; most of us will be in our 30s at that point. A quote from George Will applies well to this situation, “The future has a way of arriving unannounced.”

‘BAD STUDIES’

continued from page 3

As a matter of fact, all of the highest percentages for sexual assaults have been on private campuses — the first public institution ranking 46th.

The 1-in-5 claims made

by President Obama, supported by several surveys and studies, are shown to be accurate to all but extremely narrow and selective scrutiny. [The kind that is avoided in the majority of the Northern Iowan’s pages].

Here at NI, we try not to silence one side of a social or political debate, and our editors have made an effort to make sure that we as writers are given space for our voice to be heard. As an opinion columnist — the same title Day holds — I am given a bit more leeway, as other columnists usually must take pains to keep qualitative opinionated claims out of their work.

In my articles, I have always shown research that I have done to support my opinion, so that readers may

have an informed opinion rather than recycled Fox “News.” This is not a standard for the opinion section, but one I have for myself.

Day has shown research, at least in his later work, and even cited articles for his piece last Thursday. We have both gone on record as to the limitations our allotted space imposes, and I understand not citing everything as if this was a paper for the Masters in Public Policy (MPP) program.

My problem arises when someone redefines information so that a source loses its credibility, such as equating all cases of sexual assault to reported rape alone. This past article was nothing but a fallacious rant which accomplished nothing but the re-victimization of sexual assault survivors.

Though it did not make the situation any better, I understood the context of some claims made in Day’s article when I learned that the MPP program no longer requires a course in ethics.

I can think of a few that would do some good to the program.

PAGE 10

APRIL 3, 2017 | DYLAN PADY Sports Editor

The 2017 MLB season is finally here. Spring training is over with and six teams played last night to get the season started. The Yankees played the Rays, Giants played the Diamondbacks and the Cubbies traveled to St. Louis for a rival opener against the Cardinals.

Since 2015, the Cubs and the Cardinals have the two highest win percentages out of the entire MLB. Chicago is 200123, a 62 winning percentage and the Cardinals are 186-138 at 57 percent. This season, the Cubs will attempt to reach the postseason for the third time in a row; this feat has not been accomplished since 1906.

The White Sox finished their spring training, losing a two game series against the Milwaukee Brewers. Friday’s game ended 5-2 and Saturday’s game was a little closer ending at 5-4. The Sox get the luxury

SPORTS

NORTHERNIOWAN.COM |

of opening their season tonight at U.S. Cellular Field at home in Chicago for a three game series against the Detroit Tigers. The White Sox have not had a winning season since 2012 when they went 85-77 and their most recent World Series victory was in 2005.

In Minnesota, the Twins will open their season tonight against the Kansas City Royals at Target field in downtown Minneapolis. First baseman Joe Mauer will be making Twins history as he starts his 13th game in Minnesota, joining hall of famer Harmon Killebrew. In 2016, they lost 103 games and Mauer had a strained quadricep for the last seven weeks.

The Kansas City Royals finished with a 0-2-1 series against the Texas Rangers, tying 0-0, and losing 3-0, 5-3. They finished the entire spring training fourth place (17-15) in the Cactus League, just behind San Francisco (19-16), Seattle (1914) and the Angels (20-14).

SOFTBALL

DYLAN PADY Sports Editor

VOLUME 113, ISSUE 47

A strong start at home BRENNAN WHISLER

Sports Writer

The Northern Iowa softball team got a jumpstart to their Missouri Valley Conference (MVC) record this weekend against the Evansville University Purple Aces. The week was supposed to start off with in-state rival Iowa State, but the game had a rain delay and as of press time there is no rematch date set.

The first game on Saturday against Evansville saw a dominating Panther offense and pitching performance from freshman Jaci Spencer. The Panthers started the game strong, scoring four in the first inning after the first two batters hit themselves out.

Spencer started the scoring with an RBI single and fellow freshman, Sammy Bunch, added a two-RBI double to keep up the momentum. Every Panther received an at-bat during that inning. A couple of home runs in the second inning brought the Aces to within one, 4-3; but backto-back scoring plays in the bottom half gave UNI a TRIBUNE NEWS SERVICE 7-3 lead. One play included Atlanta Braves line up for the National Anthem in an exhibition game against a two-shot home run by

senior Anna Varriano.

Spencer retired 12 -straight batters until a home run started the sixth inning for Evansville.

Spencer then struck out the next batters. During this run UNI had scored once per inning. The finishing blow came from Bunch’s bottom of the sixth, two run blast that mercied Evansville 12-4.

The second game in their double header saw senior Alyssa Buchanan throw a no hitter over five innings. Sophomore Brittney Krodinger started the scoring in the first by stealing home. Bunch brought Varriano home in the second on a double, which was followed by a Varriano two-shot homer in the third.

The fourth was the last inning as Evansville could not close the gap after a five run inning that saw a three RBI triple by Bunch.

The final ended up being 9-0. During the two games UNI scored in every inning and never trailed. It also

gave both teams a chance to rest for the third game on Sunday, which proved to be a much more competitive game.

Fr e s h m a n Ashley Chesser scored first in the bottom of the second by way of a solo home run.

The fourth saw back to back scoring singles for the Purple Aces who got their first lead of the series at 2-1.

The sixth saw what has been a strong part of the order for a UNI come back as Bunch got Varriano across on a double to draw the game even. The game went a little long, but it set the stage for a great ending. A walk-off homerun

by Varriano gave UNI the series sweep.

UNI plays Souther n Illinois this Saturday and Sunday — the second of three series in Cedar Falls.

After Southern Illinois and before the Bradley series, the Panthers will play one game against the University of Iowa on April 11.

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VOLUME 113, ISSUE 47

Sudoku

www.northerniowan.com

/NorthernIowan

@NorthernIowan

Sudoku One

Managing Editor

Sudoku Two

HANNAH GIBBS

PAGE 11

The Friends of Sartori Memorial Hospital will again be hosting the very popular

Jewelry Sale Monday, April 10, 2017

9:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

West Dining Room Sartori Memorial Hospital Masquerade, a nationally known $5 jewelry company, will be selling a wide variety of quality jewelry and accessories for men, women and children including rings, bracelets, necklaces, earrings, jewelry sets, wallets and watches — and everything is $5.

Cash, check and credit cards will be accepted.

Associates can use payroll deduction.

Parking and Entrance Guide

All proceeds will go toward Friends of Sartori Memorial Hospital future projects and health care educational scholarships.

Directional signage will be posted in hallways and at stairs/elevators to guide shoppers.

Sudoku One

Sudoku Two

PAGE 12

APRIL 3, 2017

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CLASSIFIEDS

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HANNAH GIBBS Managing Editor

VOLUME 113, ISSUE 47

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