NOMAD Magazine | The Exit | Julia Piantini

I was sitting in a park near my office when it dawned on me that something was going to change, and it was changing in a hurry. I was going to be fired or quit. It was no longer a fantasy, day dream, or choice. I couldn’t keep it contained any longer. During my lunch break, I escaped the numbing stress of a regular day in the office to clear my head and release the restrained tears. I was exhausted. I was exhausted from working for an insane attorney. She was hectic, forgetful, and scatterbrained, and she was constantly playing catchup and expected the team to follow suit. I was exhausted from working for another two demanding attorneys. I was drowning in months and months worth of paperwork. The paperwork was indifferent to my cause. And why wouldn’t it be? It was created over and over again by the exact same process that made every generation of paperwork before it. It didn’t think for itself. It couldn’t think for itself. It was the reflection of the situation I was in; it was only as helpful as the people who generated it. No matter my efforts to tear it down, the paperwork continued to stack higher and higher.

For the last three months, I had begun working for a third attorney. It was painted as a great opportunity by the firm. It was a chance to prove myself. Maybe this is the test. If I can just make it through, then I’ll be rewarded. It came with no additional money. It came only with additional stress. I assured myself that if they could see how I was worthy, the money would follow. I didn’t know when it would follow, but it had to follow.

All that followed was a series of panic attacks, nightmares, and chronic headaches. These were my payment and reward. I couldn’t resent them though; they were what I earned. After all, they were what led up to that day on the park bench, tears rolling down my face. They helped me see a morsel of clarity since starting the paralegal cycle. I knew of the looming breaking point, but I chose to ignore and forget about it. I pushed it to the back of my mind by working harder, littering my desk with notes about every minute detail to fool myself into believing I was doing the right thing. I used reminders to sequester my inner voice and its apathy for the work. I participated in weekly meetings with a senior paralegal to come up with strategies to conquer the work. Nothing helped, and my performance continued to suffer.

While I was beginning to unravel at work, I was devoting all of my spare time to health, wellness, and spirituality.

I sought balance, so I started to experiment with Paleo, Ayurvedic, Kundalini Yoga and meditation. I became obsessed with personal development and was committed to a daily practice of self-improvement. At the beginning, my energy was slowly shifting away from work and into wellness. Each new concept would round out more of my rough edges that were created at work. I took a formal step toward self-improvement by enrolling in a health coaching certification program. By then, my energy had entirely shifted toward wellness and away from work. I was naive to convince myself that I could somehow handle both work and wellness. Despite my desperation to leave the law firm, I was terrified to quit.

In the world of wellness, I had no experience, no clients, no website, no business, and no inhibitions. The idea of giving up a career for a dream was out of my field of view. Dreams were reckless and immature. I grew up with the mentality that a person’s career is about money, not happiness. If it happened that a career could bring both, luck was the only explanation. I consoled myself into thinking I was not and could not be so lucky.

The day I was dreading finally arrived. My boss buzzed me into her office and before I even walked in, I knew what was awaiting me. I coached myself with the best self talk I had been practicing. I sat across from my boss and office manager as they voiced their concerns over my waning performance. They explained that, despite their efforts, I had not improved. Their efforts? I did not pay much mind to this comment during the whole fruitless conversation; I was simply trying to come up with a way to save myself at the law firm. Finally, I was asked point-blank, “Do you want to be here?” The wheels were already in motion, and that very question put the car in gear. My freedom would come from walking away from everything I had built at the law firm. “No.” As the word came out of my mouth, my entire body relaxed. I went back to that same park from a short while ago and walked around the lake. The sun felt warm on my face, but the breeze was a cool relief. To my own surprise, I was calm about the decision I had just made. It was so contrary to the panic that I was expecting to feel. As I circled the lake, I noticed a white lotus poking out of the water. For many, the lotus symbolizes light, knowledge and truth. For me, it was a simple reassurance that I was moving my life in a direction I intended. I still have no idea how to launch and maintain a business. I still have no clients, and I have very little money saved. I am determined to pursue something that makes sense to me; I am driven with the conviction that I will learn how to succeed with every step. It was easy to hesitate so many times before this, but I am committed now. I finally built the courage to take a chance on myself. I know that I will be one of the lucky ones.