The Stranger Vol. 22, No. 30 by Noisy Creek

BY JENKISS CURTAIN

y annual month of employment is about to come to a close, and I augur some bittersweet emotions about the whole importune occasion. On the one hand, the fully enclosed nature of the Easter Bunny suit means that excessive hygienic dutifulness is not entirely abrogated upon me; that is, to elucidate: I can simply shuttle myself back and forth from my makeshift bed hidden in the back stockroom of the Spencer Gifts directly to the ready room and don my bunny head and furry apparel without an unnecessary stop for ablutions along the way. The tang of gin, the whiff of sweat, the ﬂume of indigestion: All those maliforous odors remain tightly enclosed within the pastel pelt, and all of Northern Seattle’s good Christian children who perch momentarily upon my faux-fur lap for the nonce as my assistants snap a digital photograph are none the wiser.

But these halcyon days of four weekly fat paychecks and rewarding daily employment are nearly behind me. Ordinarily, I would hop a boxcar and ride south until next spring dawns, but I grow old. My hair is gray and thinning, my alimentary canal has transmogriﬁed into a dry leather sack, and the nubile young sales ladies down at the liquor store now confer upon me a respectful “sir” as they direct the local constabulatory to administer me violently from their shops for liberating their wares from their shelves without payment.

In short, the time for lollygagging is past, and this old vagabond needs to muster a new gig. And so what better allocation than that of a humble scribe? It is a matter of well-repute that I am an autodidact nonpareil, and wordsmithery has always run deep in my veins like printer’s ink. And so I impugn myself upon The Stranger to allow me this opportunity to augur my wit and inkpen in their service as public editor, in the hopes that steady employment—and thusly a thatched roof, a picketed fence, and a mayhaps a dog that does not eagerly abandon yours truly for a well-stocked Dumpster—will be mine.

I notice that two of the “feature” yarns in this newspaper are written by the fairer sex! Here we have CIENNA MADRID, indigniﬁed for some reason about local hospitals, and there we have KARY WAYSON penning a ballad about the Hill of Queen Anne. I have not read either piece—in several minutes, it will be time for a punishing 12-hour shift, and time is leaking from my time-slough—but they certainly appear informational.

It must be ladies’ night in this publication: MEGAN SELING composes an ode about “Mudhoney,” and ANNA MINARD details the strife suffered by a soccer team for the limpen-wristed. With such a corral of comely women in The Stranger’s employ, I certainly hope that the powers that be have adjudicated that I earned the public editor position. Ladies, the door of my new corner ofﬁce will be available for comfortgiving at any moment; I am an expert in providing professional-level lap-sitting instructions.

website.

LAST DAYS

The Week in Review

BY DAVID SCHMADER

MONDAY, MARCH 18 This week of theatrical attacks, bigoted crybabies, and exemplary behavior from humongous corporations kicks off in central Florida, where this evening a man met a woman for a sexual encounter at an Orange County hotel and wound up with his genitals nearly gnawed off. Details come from the Orlando Sentinel, which reports

CRASH AND BURN, HELICOPTER PARENTS

Dear family I nannied for: Thank you for firing me. Seriously. Because if you hadn’t fired me for having my husband bring over a pizza (which he paid for with his own money) and our dog (which your kids love) for some Sunday night fetch, you probably would have fired me for some other ridiculous reason, like forgetting to polish the bars on the windows or neglecting to arm the land mines in the front yard after it got dark. Just so you know: (1) I was GOING OUT OF MY WAY to do something nice for your children. I have worked with literally thousands of kids over the past 10 years, and not a single one of them has died or been raped or kidnapped while under my care. (2) I didn’t invite a stranger into your house; I invited my husband of 10 years. Thanks for your faith in my taste in men. Clearly, I married him because he is a drunk, violent, murderous pedophile. (3) If you really think that I “betrayed your trust” and “invaded your home,” then I truly feel sorry for you. You must live in a world so full of paranoia that you cannot sleep. If the bogeyman doesn’t kill you, the stress certainly will.

In addition, I would like to thank you for chastising me so thoroughly by telling me that people “shouldn’t do innocent things that appear devious.” It’s about time someone started treating me like the irresponsible 13-year-old that I really am. After all, I did sneak a “strange man” into your house… mostly so that my parents wouldn’t ﬁnd out that I was letting someone get to second base. Let me counter your comment with one of my own: “People shouldn’t do devious things that appear innocent.” So you may think that you have your children’s best interest in mind and that you’re keeping them safe, but all you’ve really done is deny them the opportunity to spend time with a great nanny and deny yourself the opportunity to learn to trust someone else in your community.

police were dispatched to the Crestwood Suites outside Orlando after numerous 911 callers reported growling and screaming coming out of a second-floor room. According to the police report, cops arrived to find a man “covered in a significant amount of blood, with numerous bite wounds” to his penis, testicles, and abdomen, and a nude, snarling woman with a bloody mouth. “The victim later told deputies his attacker was an escort he’d hired for Monday evening,” reports the Sentinel . “After dinner, they returned to her hotel room, where they drank alcohol and [the escort] used Ecstasy…” Things were fine until the pair began having sex, during which the woman “became more aggressive, and she began to bite his genitals,” according to the police report. “He described it as if she were trying to eat his penis and testicles.” The man was rushed to the Orlando Regional Medical Center trauma center, and the woman was jailed on charges of attempted seconddegree murder.

TUESDAY, MARCH 19 Speaking of dates gone wrong, the week continues in Arkansas, where a man’s desire to impress a lady resulted in a police investigation. Details come from Jonesboro’s KAIT News, which identifies the unlucky lothario as 26-year-old Jeffery Siegel, who was on a date with a woman at Craighead Forest Park on Saturday night when the pair was reportedly accosted by a knife-wielding man who told Siegel, “You can go, but your girlfriend stays.” As Siegel told police, his date managed to flee while he fought off the attacker, sustaining cuts to his chest and wrist before the knife-wielding man fled into the night. “On Saturday night, several officers, including a K9 unit, spent two hours combing the woods around the Crowley’s Ridge Nature Center,” reports KAIT. “After two hours of searching the surrounding area, including closing the only exit to Craighead Forest Park, police were unable to find the ‘attacker’ and the search was called off.” Which brings us to yesterday, when Detective Mike Branscum interviewed both Siegel’s date (who said she felt that something was “not right” that night) and Siegel himself, who hemmed and hawed but stuck to his story. When Branscum offered to not press charges if Siegel just told the truth, Siegel finally confessed that the whole attack was staged to impress his date. “Siegel told the officer he ‘really liked’ the woman and ‘felt that if he did something like this it would help him with his chances with her,’” reports KAIT.

“Siegel said he contacted a friend a couple days before Saturday and staged a fake attack.” True to his word, Detective Branscum declined to ﬁle charges against the humiliated Siegel and closed the case. As for Siegel’s date, she told Region 8 News that the attack seemed “very real” and described Siegel’s ruse as “not very heroic.”

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 20 In better news, the week continues in Seattle, where today brought the Starbucks annual shareholders meeting. As history buffs will recall, Starbucks made headlines last year by publicly supporting the Washington State referendum legalizing same-sex marriage—a move that

Dear Soiled Mattress Down by the River…

Dear Soiled Mattress Down by the River, I have been dating a boy for three years and I’m afraid the romance has left our relationship. Can you offer any tips that might add a spark to our love life? The Thrill Is Gone

Dear TTIG,

What you say is sad. But have you tried me? The soiled mattress down by the river? Picture this if you will: a beautiful, clear moonlight walk. You and your lover hand in hand. Whispers and ﬂirts pass your lips. And then? You come upon me, the soiled mattress down by the river. My soft, plump body beckons you. Now you stare deeply into your lover’s eyes and say, “Yes, lover. I must have you now!” Arms and legs intertwine as you tumble onto my intricately soiled fabric. You brush aside the greasy Burger King wrappers and empty bottles of MD 20/20, and frantically

tear at each other’s clothes. Then you make love with your lover. The scent of your love commingles with the odor of the hundreds who were here before you. Oh! Will a passerby discover your love? Perhaps they will; for you are on a soiled mattress down by the river. But the fear of being caught only lends to the erotic fervor, as you and your lover surrender to the throes of ecstasy. And upon the completion of your love, as you pick up your bra off the muddy ground, you will be reminded of the lengths that lovers must sometimes go to in order to restore their love. Maybe you will even say, “Oh thank you, soiled mattress down by the river. After feeling my lover’s bare skin pressed against your damp matted stufﬁng, I’ve truly discovered the meaning of love.” No thanks are necessary. Who better understands the nature of love than I, the soiled mattress down by the river?

Got a question for the soiled mattress down by the river? E-mail dearsoiledmattressdownbytheriver@thestranger.com!

inspired a boycott from the antigay National Organization for Marriage and a complaint at today’s meeting, where, as KPLU reports, shareholder Tom Strobhar suggested that the boycott had hurt the company’s finances “In the ﬁrst full quarter after this boycott was announced, our sales and our earnings—shall we say politely—were a bit disappointing,” said Strohbar. But Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz was having none of it, reiterating his support for marriage equality and inviting the man to take his money elsewhere. “If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it’s a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much.”

THURSDAY, MARCH 21 Nothing happened today, unless you count the birthdays of Slovenian philosopher Slavoj Zizek (born on this day in 1949), ’70s rocker Eddie Money (1949), excellent comedienne/terrible poet Rosie O’Donnell (1962), and Gang Starr’s DJ Premier (1966).

FRIDAY, MARCH 22 Meanwhile in New York City, today brought a bracing climax in the saga of Timothy Dluhos, the 34-year-old lieutenant with the New York City Fire Department’s Emergency Medical Services who rocketed to infamy after the discovery of his racist Twitter postings. Among the targets of Dluhos’s Twitter scorn: Asians (“Fucken chinks can’t drive”), Jews (his go-to name for Mayor Bloomberg was “King Heeb”), and African Americans (using Photoshop to put a surgical mask on an image of an unnamed black teen, with the caption “I’s be a doxter”). Today a reporter from the New York Post attempted to question Dluhos about his deeds and was met with high drama. “Dluhos, who works at EMS

Station 57 in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, dropped to the ground sobbing Friday when the Post confronted him outside his Staten Island home. ‘My life is ruined. Oh, my God,’ Dluhos wailed. ‘I’m so sorry’… The bawling medic, wearing an EMT jacket embroidered with the words ‘Bad Lieutenant,’ then left to go to work. ‘I guess I should go enjoy my last day on the job,’ Dluhos said.” The FDNY told the Post, “The matter is under investigation,” and on Sunday, Dluhos will be given a 30-day suspension. In the meantime, the EMT union has warned its members in a newsletter: “Stay off of the social networks! Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, Instagram, and Blogs! Enough said!”

SATURDAY, MARCH 23 In much worse news, the week continues in Alabama’s Birmingham-Shuttlesworth International Airport, where today a family from Kansas was hustling to catch a connecting flight when a 300-pound arrival/ departure display panel fell off the wall and onto them. As the Birmingham News reports, Heather Bresette and her four children were pinned beneath the humongous panel, which was hung in one of the airport’s newly renovated concourses. All four children and their mother were rushed to the hospital, where 10-year-old Luke Bresette was soon pronounced dead and mother Heather Bresette remains listed in critical condition. Condolences to all.

SUNDAY, MARCH 24 Nothing happened today.

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com and follow me on Twitter @davidschmader.

WHEN FALLING

Sent to the Sidelines

Why Are Some Soccer Teams Getting Pushed Off Public Fields?

BY ANNA MINARD

As spring soccer season begins, a local group of female soccer players insists they’re being shut out from the best public soccer ﬁelds at prime times. And while it may seem like a

minor tussle, it’s emblematic of the kinds of bureaucratic disputes that affect quality of life—taxpayers fighting to use resources they pay for, women fighting for equitable access to sports fields, city policies that look okay on paper but don’t work so well in real life.

And in the middle of it all is Carrie Lewis.

A longtime soccer player, Lewis started her own soccer league last spring, after quitting the city’s biggest soccer league because she felt that their women’s division was treated poorly. She named her league Recreational Adult Team Soccer, or RATS. “We’re celebrating our first year at RATS, but this first week [of the season] has hardly been a celebration,” she tells me glumly. Instead of fighting a large league for better access to fields, she’s now fighting the city, whose arcane assignment policy gives established sports leagues first pick of ball fields and leaves her scrappy start-up trying to get by with less desirable fields at inconvenient hours.

“On some days, it’s no ﬁelds,” she says of the spring game schedule she got from the parks department. On other days, she got less

What Bug Sprays Are Safe to

Smoke?

State and Federal Law May Require Poison-Free

Pot

BY BEN LIVINGSTON

State regulators want to know what sort of chemicals marijuana growers apply to their crops. Scheduled to issue growing licenses in mid-August—less than ﬁve months away—the Washington State Liquor Control Board has reached out to industry

playing because their kids were playing,” and they found themselves repeatedly scheduled to play on faraway ﬁelds, on the wrong days of the week.

Other women’s teams told me the same thing—if you’re a casual Tuesday-night team from Seattle, and suddenly half your games are on Sunday in Bellevue, players stop showing up. “Especially people with kids,” says Hale. “They just couldn’t swing it.”

But when the new league started, with a plan to focus on good scheduling and a robust women’s division, they came up against a new foe: the city.

Seattle Parks rents fields based on a sports league’s “historical use,” meaning leagues get approximately the same field time from year to year. Brand-new leagues, of course, didn’t use any time the previous year because they didn’t exist. So a new league—even a new league composed of already-existing teams— must wait for older leagues to return unused field time, thereby relegating them to less popular fields at less desirable times.

For Lewis, it’s infuriating: “As a Seattle resident, it bothers me that my tax money has gone toward a field I could never play at because I am not in the right league.” Seattle passed a $146 million parks levy in 2008, which paid for a lot of field renovations, but to play on them, you go through a league, and the soccer league with the best field access is Co-Rec. Which league you play for “should never come down to who can offer the best publicly funded field,” says Lewis. Adding insult to injury, Lewis says, a lot of her teams helped build up the historical use Co-Rec can now claim as its own.

Co-Rec Soccer’s management wouldn’t speak on the record, but in a statement they call the parks policy “fair,” saying it’s “first come, first served” and pointing out that they had to work for years to earn the use of the fields they now enjoy.

than 10 percent of what she requested.

Understanding the forces at play requires understanding the inﬂuence of the city’s largest soccer league, called Co-Rec Soccer. They’ve been around since the 1980s and serve hundreds of teams, and thanks to their seniority and size, they’re something of a gorilla when the city assigns ﬁelds. Lewis left to form RATS after a falling-out with Co-Rec’s management, when a group of women’s teams

“My tax money has gone toward a field I could never play at.”

felt they were being shortchanged on ﬁeld assignments. Tellingly, every Co-Rec women’s team followed Lewis to RATS.

Sara Hale, a lawyer who heads one of those teams, told me Co-Rec’s schedules had “a real problem with predictability.” Her team comprises a lot of “soccer moms who started

professionals for real-world advice on what biocides local growers dust on their dope. In an e-mail sent last Friday, comptroller Mike Steenhout asked recipients to “provide a list of all pesticides or any other compounds that you would ever apply to a marijuana plant.” Why? State and federal law requires all commercial pesticides be registered for the speciﬁc crop on which they are used.

“If you are using a product for a crop that’s not listed on the label, that’s a misuse and a violation of the federal pesticide law,” says Chad Schulze of the Environmental Protection Agency. “Not only do you need your [pesticides] registered for that crop, you need what’s called a tolerance for that crop.”

The only products approved for pot in this

The city also “stands behind” its historical use policy, according to parks spokeswoman Joelle Hammerstad, who told me “if an organization as young as RATS goes to the front of the line, then that creates unfairness in other places.”

But it seems like the department may want to reread their field-use policy, which says only that “historical use will be considered” when different groups vie for the same fields, and also contains express instructions that the city “provide a reasonable amount of equity for gender” when scheduling sports leagues. I pressed Hammerstad on the equity aspect, asking if the gender makeup of the leagues changed, should field assignments reflect that?

Unfortunately, the parks department has no real mechanism for ensuring that equity other than waiting for complaints, she says. “It would be very difﬁcult for us to manage the gender makeup of the teams that we serve,” she said—there are hundreds of leagues playing dozens of sports across the city.

Psst—ﬁnd gay-marriage chatter all week at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

country “were registered to kill it as a weed,” says Schulze.

With no pot-approved bug juice in the United States, regulators may require all legal pot to be pesticide-free. The Washington State Department of Agriculture has authority over pesticides in the state. “Just because it’s approved on the federal level doesn’t mean it can be used in Washington,” says Joy Harkness, who staffs the state’s Pesticide Help Desk. She explains that every product on the

There is no pot-approved bug juice in the US.

SOURCES SAY

• To celebrate the rising of Jesus this week, tipper Blake points your attention to Gay withoutgod.com, “a newly founded, locally operated, international, grassroots resource for gay atheists.” What do we call those folks? Gaytheists, we think. Of course, as the website explains, “The hostility of Christianity… is not a reason to shed one’s belief in God.” What do we call those folks? Fagnostics.

• A shooting in Columbia City last week has neighbors up in arms. To serve a warrant on a robbery suspect, Bellevue police brought a SWAT team to a sleepy, dead-end street. They ended up fatally shooting the suspect and keeping families in lockdown in their homes for hours. Neighbors say it was “traumatizing” and felt like a “war zone,” and they’re pushing police to explain why so much force was brought to a residential street packed with small children, why communication with residents during the action was, as Seattle’s South Precinct captain Steve Paulsen admits, “piss-poor,” and whether ofﬁcial accounts of the shooting, which many neighbors dispute, are even accurate.

• Despite the Seattle Times announcing last month that it would erect a $4-per-week website paywall starting in mid-March, its website is still as free as ever. So what’s up? Jill Mackie, the vice president of public affairs, says it’s coming “slightly later than we initially expected, but soon. At this point, I can’t share a speciﬁc date.”

• On April 1, Seattle nightclub lovers are hosting a dance-in on the state Capitol steps in Olympia to support a bill that would repeal an obscure 9.5 percent tax on venues that offer the opportunity to dance. “Yes, it’s April Fools’ Day, but this is not an April Fools’ joke,” writes the Century Ballroom’s Deron Hayes in an e-mail. The dance-in runs from 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m.

• The unemployment rate in the Seattle metropolitan area fell to 5.9 percent in February—one of the lowest rates in the nation—while unemployment statewide rose two-tenths to 8.7 percent. So much for our jobs-destroying socialist agenda.

• Governor Jay Inslee finally took a firm stance on the coal train controversy, asking the federal government to evaluate the “true costs” of coal before approving proposed export terminals. Of course, if you actually work in the true costs of coal—mercury emissions, ocean acidification, rising sea levels, shrinking Cascade snow packs, etc.—coal would be too expensive to export.

WSDA pesticide list is on the EPA list, but not vice versa.

“No pesticide use is technically legal on cannabis under federal law,” says David Lampach from Steep Hill Lab, the lead testing lab for the state’s new pot consulting team. That said, Steep Hill’s website points to EPA tolerance limits for pesticides on hops, a cousin of the marijuana plant, which has more than 60 approved pesticides.

Can we really just look at the hops category when evaluating pot production? “Not at all,” says Schulze from the EPA. “It really has to be speciﬁc to the crop you’re using it on.” So unless pesticide manufacturers hustle to add marijuana language to their labels, state regulators may be forced to require a pesticide-free pot industry.

NICE SOCKS Carrie Lewis (second from right) is ﬁghting for fair play.

KELLY O

JESUS IS COMING AGAIN BY ME, JESUS CHRIST

Reeking of Sin

Catholic Hospital Calls Cops on a Patient for Smelling of (Legal) Marijuana

BY CIENNA MADRID

Matthew Zimmerman wasn’t thinking about the small bag of pot in his pocket when he went in for a routine exam at a Gig Harbor medical center on March 18, because Washington State voters legalized marijuana possession last fall. Plus, he explains, “I forgot it was there.” But shortly after a nurse smelled the marijuana and confronted Zimmerman, a police ofﬁcer arrived to question him.

The incident raises alarms about someone reporting to police on what is now a perfectly legal activity, but it also raises questions about whether the Catholic-afﬁliated hospital breached medical ethics and privacy laws.

Zimmerman, 27, who had an appointment with Dr. Faron Bauer for reasons unrelated to his marijuana intake, says he was surprised when a nurse practitioner asked if he was carrying pot. In a phone interview, he says he admitted it when he remembered that he had about three grams of pot “underneath my second jacket.”

“She asked if I used marijuana, and I said, ‘Yeah, obviously,’” says Zimmerman, who does lighting and stage rigging for concerts. “She said that even with the [legalization] law out there, the doctor was not going to approve of my use of marijuana, and then she walked out.”

His small stash of pot wasn’t an issue with the doctor, but when Zimmerman stepped outside St. Anthony Hospital, a police ofﬁcer stopped him.

“That nurse called the cops on me,” says Zimmerman.

The hospital conﬁrms that a staffer did report Zimmerman to the police. “In this case, one of the staff members at our Prompt Care facility in Gig Harbor was concerned that a patient may be impaired and would be operating his motorcycle after his appointment,” explains Scott Thompson, a spokesman for Franciscan Health System, the religious organization that operates the hospital about 45 miles southwest of Seattle. “Out of concern for the safety of the patient and other motorists, local law enforcement was contacted to investigate the situation.”

“That was the hospital’s concern—that he couldn’t drive,” confirms Gig Harbor Police Department spokeswoman Debra Eason. But the responder, Officer Gary Dahm, didn’t file a police report because, as Eason explains, “When the officer found him, he determined that Zimmerman wasn’t impaired. He could drive.”

Thompson declined to explain why, if they believed Zimmerman was too impaired to drive—which he wasn’t—the hospital did not offer to call him a cab, the same way they might if someone was on painkillers. He also refused to comment on whether the staffer broke state and hospital rules governing patient privacy by reporting him to the police.

But Alison Holcomb, an attorney for the ACLU of Washington and the author of last year’s marijuana-legalizing Initiative 502, says Zimmerman’s privacy was violated.

“He was fully compliant with the law, but even if he weren’t, I think there is still an issue of patient conﬁdentiality being breached,” Holcomb says. While physicians are duty bound to report patients’ conduct to authorities if they threaten the general public (say, a patient conﬁdes that he has urges to kill a bunch of people), merely smelling of marijuana does not meet that high bar. She says Zimmerman should complain to the Medical Quality Assurance Commission, the state board that investigates complaints of disciplinary breaches of medical health professionals.

This troubling incident could also be seen as further proof of religious hospitals unnecessarily overreaching into the lives of the people they serve. Catholic hospitals often refuse to honor women’s rights to access legal abortion unless a mother’s life is in imminent danger. Medical staff at some religious hospitals also won’t discuss the state’s death with

“We apologize that the patient may have been embarrassed by the response.”

dignity law or other medical procedures that conﬂict with Catholic teachings.

Zimmerman says he has ﬁled a complaint with the state. He describes the whole experience as “upsetting and embarrassing.” Not only did the nurse practitioner apparently divulge his private information by identifying him to the police, he says, she also ensured that he was stopped and questioned in public about his use of a perfectly legal substance.

“We apologize that the patient may have been embarrassed by the response,” says Thompson. “We are investigating the situation further so we can ensure that future situations are handled in the best and most compassionate way possible.” He declined to elaborate on the hospital’s current policies or procedures guiding patient marijuana use or to put The Stranger in contact with the copcalling nurse.

For his part, Zimmerman ﬁnds the nurse’s actions hypocritical and the hospital’s reaction less than satisfying.

“They don’t call the cops on everyone who they hand out pills to, but they call the police when they smell some marijuana?” Zimmerman asks rhetorically. “I wasn’t under the inﬂuence. I just smelled like weed. They shouldn’t be talking about my private information, about what I say inside the doctor’s ofﬁce, obviously.”

Available Easter Weekend March 30-31

Who Would Jesus Fire? The Religious Exemption That Allows Catholic Hospitals to Discriminate Against Employees By Cienna Madrid

Imagine that after years of work, you’re abruptly ﬁred from your job, seemingly without just cause, because you suffered a stroke. Or because you contracted HIV. Or because—the most heinous of workplace crimes— you decided to have a baby.

It would be illegal, right? As most people know, the Washington State Law Against Discrimination (WLAD) broadly protects employees from being discriminated against on the basis of their age, gender, sexual orientation, marital status, race, creed, color, national origin, military status, or presence of any sensory, mental, or physical handicap.

But what most people don’t realize is that the law doesn’t protect all employees. There’s a hole in our state’s antidiscrimination law— a giant, Jesus-shaped hole—that exempts religious not-for-proﬁt organizations from honoring it. The exemption simply reads “‘Employer’… does not include any religious or sectarian organization not organized for private proﬁt.” It’s there to preserve our government from meddling in acts of religious freedom, such as the Catholic Church’s right to exclude atheists and womenfolk from being ordained.

But the broad exemption has unintended consequences: Aside from church groups, it excuses religious nonprofits like schools, universities, hospitals, and even credit unions from honoring the antidiscrimination law. Moreover, it grants them the legal protection to discriminate in areas totally unrelated to their religious practices or ethical beliefs. It also allows them to hypothetically fire security guards for being too old, doctors too black, or nurses too lesbian. And it appears that the state’s largest religious hospitals, at least, are taking advantage of the exemption, as is their legal right. This isn’t just a Washington State problem—lawsuits filed in San Diego, Cincinnati, and Springfield allege that Catholic organizations have fired women for being pregnant while unmarried, for using in vitro fertilization to become pregnant, even

for engaging in premarital sex.

“These are not little church community groups we’re talking about,” stresses Dan Johnson, an employment and labor attorney in Seattle. “It’s unfair for them to be able to claim religious exemption.” As Johnson and other lawyers have argued, regardless of an organization’s afﬁliation, there’s nothing inherently religious about being employed as a janitor or a teacher, or about getting stitches in an emergency room. “They shouldn’t be able to discriminate at will just because they have some roots in the Catholic Church generations back.”

Several years ago, Johnson sued Providence Regional Medical Center Everett for gender discrimination on behalf of a nurse who claimed she was unfairly terminated from her job after taking maternity leave. Providence cited its religious exemption, and the court sided with Providence.

religious hospitals in the Washington State Supreme Court and Court of Appeals in the last decade. These lawsuits all share something in common: their defense.

“We have seen religious hospitals avoid their responsibility to treat employees fairly and without discrimination by successfully asserting in lawsuits that they are not covered by the state statute (or WLAD),” explains Sarah Dunne, an ACLU lawyer tracking such cases in Washington State.

In other words, religious hospitals don’t deny that their employment practices are discriminatory, because they don’t need to. They never have to be put in the position of denying discrimination, because they raise the defense that they are exempt from the statute right out of the gate.

Why don’t ex-employees simply ﬁle discrimination lawsuits in federal court, you ask? One reason is that the WLAD offers broader

Soon, Catholic hospitals—which have a legal loophole to discriminate against employees—could control 47 percent of the hospital beds in Washington State.

The Catholic-afﬁliated Providence Health & Services is currently the sixth largest health-care system in the nation and employs nearly 34,000 people in Washington, according to IRS documents obtained by the ACLU of Washington. Franciscan Health System, also Catholic, employs more than 9,000 people. PeaceHealth employs more than 13,000 people and also has loose ties to the Catholic Church. This makes them formidable employers: All together, these hospitals and their afﬁliates could soon control 47 percent of all the hospital beds in our state.

And again, these are employers with a legal loophole to discriminate against their employees.

The ACLU has tracked at least 10 lawsuits alleging employer discrimination against

protections than the 1964 Civil Rights Act or the Americans with Disabilities Act. For instance, federal law does not include gays and lesbians as a protected category, whereas the state law does protect sexual orientation and gender identity and expression.

Unless, of course, you’re employed by a nonproﬁt religious organization like Providence.

“It is outrageous that an institution that seems to hold itself to high ethical standards would seek to exclude itself from the antidiscrimination laws,” says Randy Gordon, a former state senator and lawyer who ﬁled a discrimination lawsuit against Providence Regional Medical Center Everett last month in King County Superior Court. “But that’s what we’re seeing.”

Gordon’s client is a soft-spoken former

marine and surgical technician whom we’ll call Humphry. He’d worked as a surgical tech for six years, including a year at Providence Everett, when just before Christmas in 2010, Humphry was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and HIV. (I’ve changed his name to afford him some privacy, given his medical status.) Humphry did the noble thing and immediately notiﬁed his employer, Providence Everett, that he was HIV-positive. To be clear, he volunteered his private medical information because he felt it was the responsible thing to do. He had glancing contact with patients, but his job mostly consisted of setting up surgical instruments, passing them to surgeons during surgery, and maintaining a sterile environment in the operating room (during which he was suited up in double gloves, a mask, goggles, and a smock).

Humphry appeared to be a model employee. Before revealing his HIV status, the 48-year-old “had no disciplinary action taken against him for any reason” at Providence or at any of his ﬁve previous employers, according to his lawsuit.

But that soon changed.

Humphry explained to his bosses that his viral load was in the “undetectable” range, meaning transmission is very unlikely. But after revealing his HIV status, he was immediately reassigned while the hospital drafted new protocols for his job, according to the lawsuit. Humphry was only allowed to resume full-time operating-room duties nine months later, after agreeing to a set of onerous job accommodations, including repeated, unnecessary HIV tests. And those private medical tests were apparently ﬁt for public discussion: “Every day I would hear something [from my bosses] about my viral loads. This was all being done before other employees and other staff,” Humphry says when I reach him by phone. “Everyone eventually found out I was HIVpositive. They treated me different for it.”

Asked about this allegation, Providence spokeswoman Melissa Tizon says, “While we are saddened by his medical condition, his claims against Providence are simply

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untrue. During the legal proceedings, we intend to present the facts, which show he was treated respectfully, professionally, and fairly during his employment with Providence. In addition, employee conﬁdentiality is a responsibility Providence takes very seriously, and our case will demonstrate that the management of our Surgery Department was very careful to respect this individual’s privacy.”

Two days after returning to the operating room in September 2011, Humphry received his ﬁrst-ever reprimand for not wearing safety goggles. He felt singled out.

“I wasn’t working, I was teaching,” Humphry explains. “There were others in the room who weren’t wearing goggles and who weren’t [reprimanded].”

Providence declined to comment on this allegation.

After years without an employer complaint, Providence cited Humphry for three violations in 21 days after he revealed his HIV status.

Four days later, Humphry was suspended for “failing” to provide his bosses with his viral load numbers. But as the lawsuit states, “In fact, Humphry had dutifully obtained the appropriate testing for viral load the day before, which showed a viral load in the ‘undetectable’ range.” His results were available via a simple telephone call to his treating physician. However, the lawsuit states, “Despite Humphry’s request that Providence do so, and authorization to communicate directly with his physicians, [Providence] refused to call his physician to conﬁrm the numbers.” Instead, the lawsuit alleges that his bosses insisted Humphry have his blood tested again, within four days, at Providence’s own Employee Health Services, and that Providence suspended him until the results were obtained. The Providence blood test conﬁrmed Humphry’s continued “undetectable” viral load.

Later that month, a routine job hazard struck: While working a late shift in the operating room, Humphry pricked his finger with a needle through his double gloves. He says he immediately alerted his colleagues of the minor incident. He then removed himself from the surgical field, “scrubbed again, re-gowned, re-doublegloved, and called his direct supervisor,” according to his lawsuit. The supervisor ordered him to finish up with the last patient of the night, including helping transfer the patient from the operating table to a gurney and wheeling him out of the operating room. Humphry says he never touched the patient (“At no point did Humphry have any contact, direct or indirect, with the patient,” the lawsuit states). Nevertheless, Humphry’s supervisor then instructed him to have his blood drawn yet again at Providence’s after-hours lab. He once again complied; the results were once again “undetectable.” Then he could go home.

couldn’t. But that didn’t seem to matter; logic didn’t seem to matter. (Providence declined to comment on the allegation about the Employee Health ofﬁce being closed.) After he had worked as a surgical tech for years without a single employer complaint, Providence Everett managed to cite Humphry for three violations in 21 days after his HIV status was revealed. They ﬁred him.

Lawyers for the hospital haven’t yet ﬁled a response to the lawsuit (they have until the end of March to do so), but Providence spokeswoman Tizon says: “As an equal opportunity employer, we do not discriminate against employees with any kind of disability, including those who are diagnosed with HIV, and we make appropriate accommodations to support these individuals in performing their job duties. While we cannot comment on pending litigation, we absolutely disagree with the allegations in the complaint… The former employee in question failed to follow protocols to protect against the transmission of HIV in the operating room, potentially putting patients at risk. These protocols were based on Centers for Disease Control recommendations and guidelines. Because patient safety is our number one priority, we had no choice but to end his employment.”

It seems likely that Providence will reference its WLAD exemption in its legal response, as is its right under state statute. But Gordon sees another path to victory for his client. In his view, Providence Everett perceived Humphry’s HIV status as a disability, and as part of the hospital’s bargaining agreement with Humphry’s union, UFCW 21, the hospital agreed not to “discriminate or condone harassment in any manner, in conference with applicable laws, against any employee by reason of race, color, religion, creed, sex, national origin, age, marital status, sexual orientation, or sensory, mental, or physical handicap.” In other words, Humphry’s lawsuit alleges that the hospital broke a union contract.

PJ McQUADE

“Humphry acted with the highest level of integrity, he informed his employer that he had HIV, and they proceeded on a pattern of tormenting him and ﬁring him,” says Gordon. “His career has been destroyed.” Their lawsuit seeks unspeciﬁed damages for lost wages, pain and suffering, and emotional distress, among other things.

“During the legal proceedings, we intend to present the facts, which show he was treated respectfully, professionally, and fairly during his employment with Providence,” responds Tizon.

“Suck

it, Proust. This book about stuff is much better than those things you wrote.”

—GARY SHTEYNGART

www.HowToBeAPerson.com

But before going to work the next day, Humphry received a phone call telling him he was suspended without pay. As he explains, while he’d followed his supervisor’s instructions to the letter after pricking himself, he’d failed to comply with one of his stated job “accommodations” that demanded he get released for return to work by the Employee Health ofﬁce before re-scrubbing, re-gowning, and wheeling his patient from the operating room. Only problem was, the incident occurred at around 7 p.m., and the Employee Health ofﬁce had been closed for at least an hour.

In other words, Humphry explains, he didn’t comply with that directive because he

Gordon may be able to successfully demonstrate that his client was discriminated against. But that wouldn’t change the law that exempts religious institutions from antidiscrimination laws. Without a ruling from the state supreme court, a proactive effort from legislators to change the law, or a come-to-Jesus-NOREALLY moment on the part of religious hospitals, ﬂeet-footed discrimination against various protected classes will still be possible.

The Washington State Supreme Court has never ruled on the constitutionality of the religious nonproﬁt exemption. Luckily, there’s hope: In May, the state’s highest court is scheduled

to hear the case of Ockletree v. Franciscan Health System

In 2010, Larry Ockletree suffered a stroke while working as a security guard at St. Joseph Medical Center in Tacoma (an afﬁliate of Franciscan Health System, or FHS). As a result, he lost the use of his left arm. His job wasn’t physically strenuous— he manned a desk in the emergency room, where his duties included checking ID badges and issuing name tags to visitors. But the hospital refused to allow the security guard to resume his duties.

Lawyers for Ockletree, who is African American, ﬁled a lawsuit alleging that he was discriminated against based on “his disability and race.” The argument presented in this case is one that I’ve heard repeated among labor and employment lawyers— namely, that the broad religious exemption conﬂicts with the Washington State Constitution, Article 1, Section 11, which addresses religious freedom. It states: “Absolute freedom of conscience in all matters of religious sentiment, belief and worship, shall be guaranteed to every individual, and no one shall be molested or disturbed in person or property on account of religion; but the liberty of conscience hereby secured shall not be so construed as to excuse acts of licentiousness or justify practices inconsistent with the peace and safety of the state.”

Further, Article 1, Section 12 of our state constitution states that “no law” shall grant any citizen, group of citizens, or corporation special privileges or immunities not enjoyed by all citizens or corporations.

In other words, our constitution states that you can’t ﬂex your religious freedoms if they infringe on everyone else’s peace and safety. Citing religious freedom for ﬁring employees who’ve had babies or suffered strokes—when these employees’ jobs have no religious purpose or practice—arguably does just that.

Nevertheless, FHS moved to dismiss Ockletree’s claims in federal court, citing its religious exemption. Here’s where it gets interesting: The US District Court for the Western District of Washington then bumped the case to the Washington State Supreme Court. In doing so, US District Court judge Ronald B. Leighton stated that Ockletree’s employment had “nothing to do with any religious purpose or activity” and that the “discrimination Ockletree claims… was wholly unrelated to FHS’s religious purpose, practice, or activity.” And while he stated, “I have a suspicion that most federal judges would say that WLAD, in this respect, as applied, is unconstitutional,” Judge Leighton said that our state court should rule on whether the exemption violates our state constitution before the federal courts take up the issue.

If Ockletree prevails in the state supreme court, then all religious nonproﬁt organizations in the state will be subject to the WLAD and unable to discriminate against employees—that is, unless FHS, a religious nonproﬁt, can raise a First Amendment defense.

But that’s unlikely to help former employees of religious nonproﬁts like Humphry, if in fact it’s proven that Humphry’s been discriminated against. He says he’s suffered from depression since losing his job (and most likely his career). He’s applied for roughly 200 jobs in the last two years. Despite countless interviews, no one has offered him work. He speculates that prospective health-care employers can discern his medical status based on the HIV medications he lists on job applications. “I’ll be 51 this month, and this is the ﬁrst time in my life that I’ve been unemployed,” Humphry says. “It hurts.”

CITY OF SECRETS

Different Kinds of Silence on Top of Queen Anne Hill

Today I am a neighbor in the aisles of the store where just Last week I walked right past my mother’s

Twin sister who does live

On the same hill in the same city and who sometimes I do See, but this was the ﬁrst in the grocery, the one I prefer. This

Is a strangeness. Living in my midst. A ﬂower I picked by the stem for the root. Of silence they say

There are so many kinds. I have practiced so few.

There’s a library at the American Academy in Rome that acts as a sort of weekday port of call to traveling scholars from all over the world. Once for three weeks I held a special key to it while I stayed at the Academy as a visiting artist way back in, I don’t know—2006? Most nights, unable to sleep, I’d use the key to let myself in around 2 a.m., totally alone, the only lights the lights I myself had ﬂipped on by their strange switches. There I sat at a table surrounded by scholarly red-spined Italian books while in my notebook I made slow incremental accumulations toward poems that would reach full size as ﬁnished work after much labor, years later, and even now I’m not done. In any case, I was after-hours in a private library in an ancient city and nobody in the world knew where I was, so manifestly far was I from everyone I’d known or loved or would know or love. Back in the US Northwest, it was literally still yesterday. So when

BY KARY WAYSON

I talk about privacy, or silence, or solitude, I’m talking about that library, at night, alone.

I teach and write and pay my bills in Seattle. Waiting tables suits me because I get my days free, by which I mean free of people. My daylight life takes place on Queen Anne Hill, which, by the measures of silence and privacy, is something like that Roman library. While the rest of the world is at work, I am able to come and go to and fro under the umbrella of near-silence and privacy that perhaps only a childless only-child poetryreader and -writer like myself can truly crave and appreciate.

I take the same walk around the top of Queen Anne Hill almost every day, through a mansiony view-heavy neighborhood while, as I said, most everyone else is away at work or on vacation. So it’s me and the hedge trimmers, the landscapers, the nannies, and the sleeping babies in their strollers, but mostly just myself gratefully alone on weekday afternoons, alone like the day I walked right past my mother’s twin sister in a topof-the-hill grocery store.

I’m not talking to my mother—and right here, for damn sure, I’m not going to write about why or how long—even while that silence, the silence between my mother and I, deﬁnes, sometimes astounds, but maybe most of all understands me. Let me say that again: Our silence understands me. Silence is a place and also an action. Silence is also a thing (with a color: Silence is gold). The silence between my mother and me impresses me the way that the ocean impresses me— one must not turn one’s back on it. But it also impresses me as the strange single example of my own ability to practice reserve. For while I am a person who seeks solitude I also think of myself as a person who must constantly s/eek out and discuss (and discuss!) the nuances of relationships with the people with whom I’m having them. While I’m having them. All the time. Not so with my mom! There I’m doing a really good job at being totally silent for a very long time. The silence is more mine than hers (she would wish to break it) and/but I am at

home inside it in the exact same way I’m at home in a closed Roman library that I am sure has the same approximate footage as my solitary two mile walk through the mansion-lined alleyways on top of Queen Anne Hill.

I’m not talking to or about my mother, who lives on the outskirts of the rest of my family in another city. I’m not talking about my mother, but she really DOES have a twin sister. Margo. Who lives in Seattle. Here on top of Queen Anne. Who I did see in that grocery store once. But really I’m not talking about my mother’s twin sister, either. Rather, I’m talking about not talking to her in a grocery store that, as of last August, itself no longer exists. The building is not there anymore, nor the brick apartment complex that sat next to it in which I did or didn’t have sex with a coworker years ago. That actual hole (in which I didn’t do anything—or did, but just once—in a place that no longer exists) is also near a house where several other times I did and or didn’t have sex with someone else, someone else who was house-sitting for the owners, a couple who then sold that house to some friends of my ex’s ex, another woman with whom I maintain a strict and layered silence. And my point is what? Not this: Another house, my favorite along the walk, the modest big-yarded white wood-and-brick one-story with unimpeded views of water and mountains, the house that unfailingly reminds me of my dead grandmother (long dead, dead around the time I stopped talking to my mother, and who in large part raised me if I was raised at all)—that house was razed a year ago. I like to visit where it was. Meaning: I go to a house that isn’t there to visit the whiff of the memory of an old woman who died 25 years ago. Talk about a library of silence! Talk about my mother’s twin sister in a store. Of silence they say/There are so many kinds. So I said. Hi, Margo.

Comment on this story at THESTRANGER.COM

KARY WAYSON , author of the 2009 poetry collection American Husband, is a two-time ﬁnalist for a Stranger Genius Award.

PHOTOS BY BRIAN WEISS

A Kundalini Yoga Experience

Weekend Immersion Workshop April 26-28

Explore your mind’s correlation to Quantum Physics through the elevated consciousness of the New Age. Examine our connection to all energy and the great cosmic forces of the Universe while comparing notes with modern scientiﬁc research.

* Pre-registration discount! * $175 before April 6th after April 6th: $225 registration fee

To register, call or simply stop by.

theSTRANGER SUGGESTS

THU MAR 28

‘KINGS: A Boylesque

Extravaganza’

BURLESQUE

KINGS is the one-night-only extravaganza that will gather celebrated male burlesque performers from all over the world onto the swanky stage of the Triple Door. On the bill: NYC’s the Evil Hate Monkey (an abused circus monkey turned furiously liberated primate), Australia’s Captain Kidd (the self-proclaimed “brat child of Aussie circus and burlesque”), Chicago’s aggressively panracial Stage Door Johnnies, Portland’s Russell Bruner (the world’s current Best Boylesque title holder), and Seattle’s own Waxie Moon. Hosting the evening: London writer, musician, and performance artist Mat Fraser. (Triple Door, 216 Union St, tripledoor.net, 8 pm, $25–$35, 17+) DAVID SCHMADER

Verse Chapter Verse

Mudhoney

‘xoxo’ ART

Lorraine Barlow knitted a shroud that her husband, Howard, will be buried in. The shroud, with a cast of Howard’s body in it, is lying on the gallery ﬂoor. It has a stripe of x’s and o’s knitted down its length. On the wall above it is Howard’s grid of red bullet casings, each one with a piece of her wedding dress and a handwritten memory of her stuffed inside. When she dies, she gets a 21-gun salute. The two 30ish artists are in the prime of their lives. For now. (Punch Gallery, 119 Prefontaine Pl S, punchgallery.org, noon–5 pm, free, through March 30) JEN GRAVES

BOOKS/MUSIC

I’ve been hosting The Stranger’s books-and-music series for a couple years now, featuring hot local bands like Tomten and blockbuster out-of-town authors like Cory Doctorow, Michael Chabon, and Colson Whitehead. But because this next Verse Chapter Verse is tied in with APRIL, the great local independent literature festival, I ﬁnally had the opportunity to ask one of my very favorite local authors, Sherman Alexie, to headline the event. This should be fun, especially because the band is the up-and-coming hiphop duo Fly Moon Royalty. It’s all about the hometown pride tonight. (Neumos, 925 E Pike St, neumos.com, 6 pm, $7 adv/$10 DOS, 21+) PAUL CONSTANT

MUSIC

Vox Mod MUSIC

Vox Mod’s ascent through Seattle’s musical ecosystem has been as thrilling as his densely detailed electronic symphonies. All of Vox’s rigorous research and development have culminated in his riveting new album, SYN-ÆSTHETIC Collaborating with Palaceer Lazaro (Shabazz Palaces), Irene Barbaric (Eighteen Individual Eyes), Erik Blood, and others, Vox Mod (Scot Porter) has crafted a varied, organicsounding collection of outward-bound songs that ingeniously commingle hiphop and techno tropes. These compositions sprawl elegantly into silky vastness, all stellar melodies and sleek propulsion. (Vermillion, 1508 11th Ave, vermillionseattle.com, 9 pm, $5, 21+) DAVE SEGAL

Not only have local garage masters Mudhoney remained a band for 25 years, they’ve managed to do so without succumbing to the jazz-fusion ambient dance phase, dabbling in Auto-Tune, or replacing their original members with Peter Gabriel. Their ﬁrst album since 2008 (and ninth full-length total), Vanishing Point is still as wry and dry as ever—Mark Arm rips into such topics as downtown douchebags, his disdain for all things grandiose in the music biz, and sycophants at the grocery store. Phew, Mudhoney still sound like Mudhoney! (Disclaimer: I helped shout some backup vocals on this record.) (Neumos, 925 E Pike St, neumos.com, 8 pm, $15, 21+) EMILY NOKES

Eat a Giant See’s Egg for Easter!

RELIGION/CHOW

Fuck Peeps and hollow, waxy-tasting chocolate rabbits. Screw those Easter candies that are just humdrum everyday candies pressed into egg form and gussied up in pastel foils. If you want to celebrate Jesus’s Resurrection the right way, then haul your ass to See’s Candies and buy the Holy Mother of edible idolatry: a chocolate butter egg with pecans. Hailed by See’s as “the largest chocolate egg we make,” this ostrich-egg-sized monstrosity weighs just under a pound, thanks to its chocolate buttercream innards. It’s also “cheerfully hand-decorated” with piping and motherfucking pink roses. One egg contains 1,800 calories. Praise Jesus! (See’s Candies, 1518 Fourth Ave, 682-7122, noon–5 pm, $16.80) CIENNA MADRID

‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ with Jinkx Monsoon

TV/NIGHTLIFE

Don’t you wish Jinkx Monsoon would come to your living room and watch RuPaul’s Drag Race with you? Maybe sit just to the side of the screen and, during the commercials, with the TV muted, answer all your questions about behind-the-scenes tears and jeers? Well, look, this can totally happen. Just not in your living room. You have to go to Jinkx’s living room, i.e., Julia’s on Broadway. They have a giant screen, a giant screaming audience, and a mute button for the commercials. Plus, cohost Ben DeLaCreme! Get there super-early! Like yesterday! (Julia’s, 300 Broadway E, 860-1818, 8 pm, free, all ages) CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE

LoPriore Bros. Meatball Sandwich

CHOW

The meatball sandwich at this Pike Place Market lunch counter is served on fresh-made garlic toast. On top of that, they stack tender, juicy meatballs that fall apart in your mouth like candy. Then it’s covered in marinara sauce that’s garlicky and fresh and not too thick. It’s served open-faced, and if you tried to somehow get this thing into your mouth with just your hands, it would wind up looking like the Civil War happened on your face. For $8.50, it’s lunch with leftovers, and hands down the best meatball sandwich in Seattle. (LoPriore Bros., 1530 Post Alley, 621-7545, 11 am–5 pm, $8.50) PAUL CONSTANT

Fly Moon Royalty

Art History Courses

Studio Art Classes

Educator Workshop Kids Camp

See full schedule at fryemuseum.org/programs

Playwright Young Jean Lee focuses her lacerating wit

ARTS

EARL THOMAS’S ‘THE READING ROOM’ Storming Paper Hammer. COURTESY OF THE ARTIST

ART

Diet of Worms

Reading the Wordless Stories of Barbara Earl Thomas

BY JEN GRAVES

Where Barbara Earl Thomas’s people are from, worms are called night crawlers. Night Crawlers and Earthworms is her etching of three people lying on the pages of an open book. A wall of serpentine grass rises behind them as they focus on their work, intently plucking wriggling night crawlers from the thicket of pages. Their tools are their ﬁngers, pointed at the tips as if adaptively shaped for picking. In contrast, bare feet are soft and slack and curvy, as languorous as the occupation that runs back through Thomas’s Southern family: ﬁshing. Waiting, sometimes days, for a bite.

she gives inspiring talks near and far. She hasn’t been private about the characters in her family and their inﬂuence on her, or the drowning deaths of her parents in a ﬁshing accident in 1988. In addition to her downhome appeal, she has up-high cred: She was director of the Northwest African American Museum starting in 2008, when it opened, and stepped aside only recently to focus on her own art. (The board appointed an interim director and is starting the search for a permanent hire.)

Work outside the studio—especially nurturing the infant NAAM—has sidelined Thomas’s artmaking and exhibition career.

But she’s back this month at Paper Hammer, with a display of 14 prints as large as 20 by 30 inches, in her ﬁrst solo show since 2005. The prints represent two series, The Reading Room and The Book of Fishing

PREVIEW

Barbara Earl

Thomas Paper Hammer

April 4–30

“We fish deep,” she wrote of her family of fisherpeople, which came to Seattle in the 1940s. She’s the first generation out of the South, and resultantly, her images are frozen storms of opposites. They’re borderline visions that she says straddle North/South, warm/cool, black/white, emotional/stoic.

Thomas has such a good life story, and is such a good storyteller, that her art can be overlooked. It’s punishment for excelling in multiple formats. In addition to making egg tempera paintings and linocuts and woodblock prints, she writes stories, poetry, and essays that are published in books, and

It’s hard to believe this writerly artist didn’t work in the medium of lines—printmaking—until 2006. Her prints are filthy with lines. Lines that maybe could break into words given one more twist. Yet the tapestries of symbols that they form are anything but linear, rolling and flowing under the control of forces of wind, water, dreaming, wanting. She’s written: “Carved, etched, or engraved, the line unravels into the shape of a water-filled bucket, a mouse in the bookshelf, a gunshot in the eye, a tree, an apple and that same God damned snake in the grass waiting to do it all over again.”

In an interview, she describes her version of realism—that nice things and terrible things and calm and dramatic things happen all at once across the sea of people. The outside world is the reading room that appears to be quiet, and her Reading Room is all the mess underneath.

ART Fog and Screaming Art That Changes as It Goes

BY JEN GRAVES

AProject Space is a shadowy room ﬂickering with videos inside an old industrial building down by the trains and orange cranes of Seattle’s port. The building’s facade is painted orange in an echo. What’s inside relates to what’s outside, the art to the place. Inside the dark room, three videos play at once, looping. They involve fog, the evergreen landscape of this city, and screaming.

A female face, hair pulled away and head shrouded in a severe black hood, screams until the face is red and hot. The only sound is a monklike chanting that plays over everything; paired with her silent scream, it’s calming and disquieting at the same time. Look left or right, and there’s another video on another wall. The usual term for this is “immersive” video. You’re surrounded and enveloped in this new place made by the crossing of the images.

Each short ﬁlm is tightly composed, capturing real and plain places and things but in a highly cinematic way. For instance, the shrouded ﬁgure reappears full-frame crossing a foggy footbridge. While walking away, she takes on the cast of fantasy—she looks insidious, like a treacherous monk rushing through a good queen’s castle at midnight with murder on his mind. In still another video, a woman stands in a dark, lush forest

where the sun is obscured. She waits until another woman arrives, whispers a secret in the woman’s ear, then leaves. Several other videos have no ﬁgures at all, just landscapes and weather systems. Steam rises (from an unseen boiling pot) to cling to an apartment window, factory smoke (from an unseen industrial plant) blurps into an already cloudy sky. The camera sees only isolated smoke and fog. This art installation is by Seattle’s Erin Elyse Burns, who for the last few weeks has continued to shoot and add footage, and to toy with the way the videos might go in and out of a certain choreographed synchronization. Changing the art as you go is part of the philosophy at A Project Space, where the exhibition is not just a show but a monthlong residency. (Fellow artist Sally Schuh invented and runs A Project Space. The room itself is part of her own studio—to cordon it off, she made a scrim out of pieces of paper zip-tied together at the corners, a fractured “wall” that lends a delicate and porous atmosphere.)

On two nights, Burns’s installation, called Litany, will change again, when the soundtrack playing on the speakers will be joined by a

The artist made the recording in a cathedral where he was only allowed to sing between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m.

REVIEW

Erin Elyse

Burns: Litany

A Project Space

Through April 5, performances

April 3 and 5

Green Gothic

Hedreen Gallery

Through April 24

live performance of the same score. It’s John Cage’s late composition Litany for the Whale, which calls for two voices to sing and randomly remix each of the phonetic sounds in the word “whale”—those sounds are what you’re hearing with the fog, the screaming, the forest. The singer is Jeremiah Cawley, who’ll also perform, layering his recorded and live selves. Cawley made the recording in a 15th-century cathedral in London, where he was only allowed to sing in the dark hours between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. It sounds like this nocturnal detail somehow made it into the recording. Burns says John Cage specified that whoever sings Litany for the Whale should stand with his back to the audience. It obscures the source of the sound—just as the source of Burns’s fog and steam is unseen and, in a similar but opposing effect, her scream is stoppered. She is the female figure in her videos, going through repetitive motions that nevertheless carry emotional weight. Litany can’t help but bring to mind Bas Jan Ader’s classic short video from 1971, I’m Too Sad to Tell You, in which the artist sits crying in front of a camera. His crying seems earnest and almost painful to watch, but it is also, explicitly, inexplicable. There is no specific tragedy or trouble to discover, yet it’s there. Burns is unsurprisingly an admirer of Jan Ader and a term coined about his short and mysterious career: “conceptual romanticism,” joining the restrained, litany-like repetition of Vietnam War–era conceptual art with sensuousness, longing, and pathos.

Litany could have been included in a group exhibition across town called Green Gothic at Hedreen Gallery. It was inspired by an essay of the same name—an essay that has become a touchstone for Seattle art since it was published in La Norda Specialo in 2009, written by the painter Matthew Offenbacher. He linked the beautiful and remedial decay of Gas Works Park with Gretchen Bennett’s streaky (rain-on-windshield) sketchings of

BARBARA

Women’s Funding Alliance: Fresh Perspective: Women Lead a Changing World (3/27)

The Bushwick Book Club Seattle: Original Music Inspired by The Bible (3/28 & 3/29)

Building a Raft Lessons from ‘Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: UNCENSORED’ (4/1)

Adam Alter: How Unexpected Forces Shape Our Thoughts & Behavior (4/2)

Leslie Helm with Tom Ikeda: My Family’s Five Generations as Outsiders in Japan

Maria Semple & Nancy Pearl: ‘Where’d You Go, Bernadette’

Institute for Systems Biology: Challenges & Opportunities for Demystifying the Brain (4/3)

ARTS & CULTURE

Kurt Cobain YouTube stills and the forestembedded monsters of Twilight Artist Amanda Manitach organized Green Gothic the show, featuring new works by six other artists, Bennett included. This time, Bennett’s drawn stills are from the TV show The Killing. Rodrigo Valenzuela’s hypnotic video captures a real train in a gorgeous forest near Olympia that goes to nowhere. (It has a conductor, and he wears a conductor’s hat.) Another video, projected on a wall above an evergreen-painted park bench borrowed from the City of Seattle, depicts Discovery Park; the camera pauses on a concrete picnic table, and the words of a romantic monologue appear onscreen, as if the concrete and the windswept shore were speaking as one. The piece is by Stranger writer Charles Mudede.

Portland artist Lisa Radon’s contribution is a spiral-bound book “investigating” the Hedreen Gallery (it could go on forever, but Kinko’s has a 500-page limit). She includes: local histories, instructions for how cement is made, HVAC manuals, architectural maps, scientiﬁc diagrams of light scatter in Seattle, correspondence with a lab about soil samples taken on-site, writings by Lucretius and Nabokov and late conceptual artist Michael Asher from when he worked in Seattle in 1969. Radon calls the book An Attempt at Exhausting a Place, based on a project conducted in a Paris cafe by the mathematical poet Georges Perec. Years after he took exhaustive notes on everything he saw at the cafe—all ordinary things—he explained why, in a simple but political statement about why we should make art about where we live: “What’s needed perhaps is ﬁnally to found our own anthropology, one that will speak about us, will look in ourselves for what for so long we’ve been pillaging from others.”

BOOKS

Cairo to Seattle and Back Again

Maged Zaher’s Poetry Helps Make the World a Smaller Place

BY PAUL CONSTANT

IREVIEW Thank You for the Window Ofﬁce by Maged Zaher (Ugly Duckling Presse, $15)

t’s impossible to read Maged Zaher’s poetry and not be reminded of the two worlds that have shaped him: his birth nation, Egypt, and his current home in Seattle, where he’s an information architect. Twenty years ago, when the world was impossibly large and glacially slow, those two lives would have been irreconcilable. Now they’re nearly apposite; geography supplies the greatest distance between the two points, rather than ideology or complications in communication. Zaher’s poetry collection from last year, The Revolution Happened and You Didn’t Call Me, at times rang with a kind of peevishness at the realization that he could see what was happening in Egypt during the Arab Spring, but that he wasn’t physically there to take part.

The title of Zaher’s new book, Thank You for the Window Ofﬁce, hints that it’s more about his here-life, rather than his there-life. And at ﬁrst blush, the book does feel more interested in the language of the online entrepreneur, the wealthy nerd, the single man in an expensive suit pecking at his smartphone in the corner of the fashionable bar, trying not to look as alone as he feels. Seattle

is everywhere: “This is an imaginary city/It has seven hills/And is always ready for your software needs.”

Window Ofﬁce could be read either as a conveyer belt of short, page-long, untitled poems or—and this is my preferred interpretation—as one long, book-length epic monologue. Zaher’s language is lit up with the too-revealing ﬂuorescent glow of corporate culture, even as his self-effacing sense of yearning tries to break through. “There is enough room for all interpretations/And I have to email you again about my feelings/I need two water-cooler conversations a day.” The boxy language of tech culture proves inadequate for the most basic of feelings.

But this isn’t Dilbert territory, or anywhere near it. Zaher tosses us around in time and space, and his themes cross, to pleasing effect. Early in the book, he writes, “I am in a Cairo coffee shop recording facts… The world has changed and I misplaced the email/Every human-to-human touch carries a probability.” While Egypt is far from the mannered green campuses of Redmond, the wizards of Microsoft have made it easier for people everywhere to connect, and every personal connection brings its own special lottery. The chances for insurgency, for change, increase dramatically.

But globalization is very good—too good?—for business, and the chasm between rich and poor grows hungrier and more aggressive every day: “The corporation approved us and advised: step up/We were just drunk not angry/And wondering about all the people/Who can’t expense their dinners.” The ending of this particular stanza is selfconscious and jokey: “Then God—on a bad day—invented the poets,” but it’s telling, too. Poetry is the way that Zaher synthesizes the two halves of himself, the wildly successful Westerner and the patriot aching with a complex passion for an ancient homeland. Even in a time when a video chat can practically bring the sun-smacked dust of Cairo spilling into a downtown Seattle conference room, there’s glass between those worlds. Nothing can take that glass away and make those worlds one, except the lyricism and humor of a gifted poet, trying to explain with a self-conscious stammer exactly what he means.

THEATER

Political Theater

Kshama Sawant Needs More Than a Campaign Director—She Needs a Theater Director

BY BRENDAN KILEY

PREVIEW Kshama Sawant Campaign Kickoff

The Neighbor Lady Fri March 22

oliticians may be people—or may not be, depending on your level of disaffection—but candidates are deﬁnitely characters, and political rallies are performance. And city council candidate Kshama Sawant, an economics instructor at Seattle University currently running against Richard Conlin on a socialist ticket, needs a director. Her campaignkickoff show at the Neighbor Lady bar in the Central District last Friday night was, from a theatrical perspective, a train wreck. (Theater critics are also people and sometimes wind up at political rallies.)

As the clock ticked well past showtime— don’t make your audience wait!—the crowd drifted into semi-engagement, some bailing

before it began. The few speakers before her didn’t exactly snap the crowd to attention. One read unsteadily from an agitprop article. Another began his rambling address with “I don’t really know what I’m going to talk about…” That’s deadly.

Sawant buried whatever informed economic analysis she might be able to offer under a small landslide of cliché and bogeymen. The 1 percent, the 99 percent, capitalism isn’t working, blunt condemnations of “the Paul Allens” and “the Bill Gateses.” The candidate/performer had some speciﬁc and powerful text—such as her pledge, should she win, to keep a maximum of $40,000 of her rightful city council salary and give the rest away. That’s quality populist/Robin Hood shtick, and it perked up the audience. When she announced that city council members make $120,000 a year, someone piped up: “Does that include bribes?” Maybe that guy was a plant. If so, good work, Sawant team. If not, consider plants for the future.

But even the best text is useless in a poor performance. You only have to survey the inﬁnite box-ofﬁce boneyard where half-assed Shakespeare productions go to die. These are amateur mistakes made by many candidates. But Sawant says she wants to run a different kind of campaign—and she’d better. She’s already facing an uphill battle by branding herself a socialist. “If you’re not sure about socialism, we want you involved,” someone said from the stage. That’s like saying, “If you’re unsure about improv, how about you spend some of your time and money on us and hope you’re not disappointed!” It’s poor salesmanship. If the audience pities the performer, the game is already lost. The best theater keeps your attention by compelling you, not pleading with you, to keep watching.

Sawant has some advantages. She’s a passionate speaker, and audiences love a high-wire act—watching someone almost fall, then recover and stick the dismount. If she plays it right, her underdog status could make for great political theater.

Some of us are rooting for you Sawant, and want you to get your act together (literally). But only crappy actors think of their audience as a font of indulgence and goodwill. A performer repays our time by giving us something we didn’t have when we ﬁrst walked through the door. Putting on a good show isn’t selling out, and it doesn’t mean you’re one of “them.” It means you care enough—about your cause, about us—to show us that you intend to win.

THEATER

Grey Gardens Is Missing Its Heart

The Musical Gets Better as Its World Gets Worse

BY ADRIAN RYAN

irst of all: TOM SKERRITT’S NIECE!

FShe plays Little Edie. That was cool. (I don’t see a resemblance.) Second of all: Much of the ﬁrst act of Grey Gardens could have been ruthlessly scrapped—straight into the bin!—to everyone’s beneﬁt.

Directed by Kurt Beattie, Grey Gardens is a musical based on the fascinating real-life story of Edith and Little Edie, a mother and daughter from the wealthy Bouvier-Beale clan, once great socialites (and cousins of Jackie O) who became fallen, cat-food-snarﬁng shut-ins. Act one (the problem!) takes place in July 1941, when the Bouvier-Beales are living high on the gilded hog in their still-glorious Hampton estate. This part of the legend is necessary

for context, to introduce the family, and to properly frame their fall. It needs to be, you know… there. But it is not worth fully one-half of this darn-nigh-three-hour show. And it is deﬁnitely not the most interesting or important part of the Grey Gardens story.

That part, sadly, is missing—but more about that in a moment.

Act one also suffers from its in-the-round staging, a hurdle for many plays and any musical. These actors’ voices are not always up to the challenge of successfully working all four corners of the room. Important stuff is garbled and lost, forcing the audience to ﬁgure it out or forget about it. And then, well, the accents Some have a peculiar habit of jumping from Connecticut to Boston to Brooklyn to huh? (Lookinatchu, Lady Skerritt.)

Most unfortunately, Edith (aka “Big Edie,” played by Patti Cohenour) comes across as a feckless and conniving diva, impossible to warm up to, while Little Edie plays deeply ashamed and resentful. This era of the legend is largely ﬁctitious. They could have played it any way at all. More love and devotion—and less hateful screeching—would have set us up better for the pathos to come.

REVIEW

Grey Gardens ACT Theater Through June 2

But Allen Fitzpatrick is a highlight as Grandpa Bouvier, blustering and fussing precisely as a conservative, rich, old granddaddy should, often railing (in song!) about “eccentric show-offs” and “Communists” and “unpublished poets” and, worst of all, “that most pitiable creature—an actress without a stage!” He is the rock of act one. (Sadly, he’s mostly dead by act two. Well, he comes back as a singing cat. It’s weird.)

In a perfect world, act two would have led the production. (Or maybe even been the production.) Now they’re cooking with gas! Except they aren’t, because it’s 1975-ish—32 years later—and there is no gas… or electricity or heat or water. We ﬁnd ourselves in the septic cat-toilet that was once the glorious Grey Gardens estate, where we meet the Edith and Little Eddie we know and love from the documentary, chowing on their cat food and spinning their gilded yarns.

The Edith of act two not only steals the show, she runs it up the street and spanks it.

Played by the fantastic Suzy Hunt, she is the perfect image of the real-life Big Edie, but her performance is not mere pastiche. She captures Big Edie’s heart and gives it body and humor and warmth and optimism—cackling in her filthy bed, banging her cane and hollering at Little Edie (“It’s very difficult to raise a child 56 years of age!”), wildly reminiscing (in song!), worrying a filthy old snot-rag that she keeps shoved in her saggy cleavage. Hunt’s Mother Darling is the strength and heart of the show. And what a voice! And so unlike her younger self in act one…

Hunt also has great chemistry with Cohenour, who blossoms as Little Edie in act two. She tears up the stage with Edie’s signature ﬂag-march routines, compulsive pacing, and meticulously eccentric accessorizing. Her number “Revolutionary Costume for Today” is based on the famous clip from the documentary, which you should watch on YouTube immediately if you are unfamiliar.

But then the show ends… kind of nowhere, with two carping codependents wallowing in resentment and cat shit. (But sometimes bursting into song!) We never see the documentary happen. Jackie O never swoops in to save the day, 11th-hour-style. And, worst of all, we never get to see the unlikely late-inlife realization of Little Edie’s star-spangled dreams. We never see her go to NYC, and she never stars in her own show. Which is a pity. That is the part of this story that really touches the heart—that sad redemption. Without it, we are left wallowing, too.

CHERYL STRAYED Wild (Vintage)

Wednesday, April 3 at 7pm

SIGNING LINE TICKET WITH PURCHASE

A powerful, blazingly honest, inspiring memoir: the story of a 1,100 mile solo hike along the Paciﬁc Crest Trail that broke down a young woman reeling from catastrophe and built her back up again. NO TICKET REQUIRED TO ATTEND.

AUTUMN MARTIN

Malts & Milkshakes: 60 Recipes for Frosty, Creamy, Frozen Treats (Grifﬁn)

Friday, April 12 at 6:30pm

Autumn Martin is an award-winning chocolatier and owner of Hot Cakes Molten Chocolate Cakery. This collection of 60 recipes puts a new spin on an old-fashioned treat with comforting dessert drinks from times new and old.

SHAWN VESTAL

Godforsaken Idaho (New Harvest)

Monday, April 15 at 7pm

Stories of the afterlife, the rugged Northwest, and the early days of Mormonism by a ferociously imaginative new writer. This stunning debut story collection by an acclaimed McSweeney’s and Tin House contributor will satisfy fans of short-ﬁction.

ART

Museums

FRYE ART MUSEUM

Chamber Music is Scott Lawrimore’s first exhibit as the Frye’s curator is a series of translations with an archive in the middle. It’s 36 Seattle artists, each responding to one of the poems in James Joyce’s first published work, Chamber Music, which was put out in 1907—the year Charles and Emma Frye began collecting art. (Lawrimore wins the Most Attenuated Connections award.) In the center of the exhibition is a piece of furniture with benches and cubbyholes, where each artist can house a changing display of whatever’s most important to them. Free. TuesSun. Through May 19. 704 Terry Ave, 622-9250.

HENRY ART GALLERY

Now Here Is Also Nowhere:

Part II continues Henry curator Luis Croquer’s exploration of intangibility in art. It’s a group show. One artist (Pablo Helguera) staged a performance in which the performers slowly left the stage until nobody and no sound was left. Another artist team (Rosalind Nashashibi and Lucy Skaer) shine strobe lights into the darkened galleries at the Metropolitan Museum of Art: Now you see the ancient clay tablet, now it’s gone. William Anastasi held his pencil over paper while riding the subway: Are his drawings of anything? Tom Friedman

30-year career. Museum of Glass, 1801 Dock St, 253-2844732. $12. Sun Mar 31, 1 pm. NOW HERE IS ALSO SOMEWHERE Seattle artists-advocates-organizers-educators Klara Glosova, Greg Lundgren, Todd Janausch, Matthew Offenbacher, Joey Veltkamp, and Sierra Stinson talk about why it’s vital to creativity to perform multiple roles. Frye Art Museum 704 Terry Ave, 622-9250. $15. Thurs Mar 28, 6:30 pm.

PRIVACY, FREE EXPRESSION AND PUBLIC DISCOURSE In the seventh-floor board room of Cornish, art activists Davida Ingram and Mary Ann Peters facilitate a discussion about “the responsibilities of the artist, audience, and institution towards exhibiting artwork in public.” Cornish College of the Arts 1000 Lenora St. Free. Wed Mar 27, 6-7:30 pm. SPROUT 9: FILM AND VIDEO PROJECTS

10 percent right, we’ll have to drastically revise our notions of the universe.” Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Ave, 6246600. Free. 6 pm.

ANDRI SNAER

MAGNASON Magnason’s novel Lovestar is nominated for a Philip K. Dick Award. Magnason is Icelandic, which automatically makes him a better person than you. Elliott Bay Book Company 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 8 pm. Fri 3/29

VERSE/CHAPTER/ VERSE: SHERMAN ALEXIE, FLY MOON ROYALTY

For the APRIL edition of The Stranger ’s books-and-music series, I asked one of my very favorite local authors, Sherman Alexie, to headline the event. This should be fun, especially because the band is the up-and-coming hiphop duo Fly Moon Royalty.

It’s all about the hometown pride tonight. Neumos, 925 E Pike St, 709-9442. $7 advance, $10 at the door.. 6 pm.

Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Through April 21. MOISTURE FESTIVAL

“The tenth anniversary of Seattle’s vaudeville/varieté festival that has grown extra appendages over the years: a burlesque festival, silent-film events, benefit shows for local organizations, old-fashioned marathon shows with acts running from noon until midnight, and more. This year will feature Hacki Ginda, Dr. Patch Adams, Avner the Eccentric, Inga Ingenue, and many others.” (Brendan Kiley) Various locations , www. brownpapertickets.com. $10$25. March 21 - April 14. PASTOR KALEB’S 14TH ANNUAL EASTER SUNDAY SERVICE Pastor Kaleb Hagen-Kerr returns to his flock of the “defunct and

“made” his piece on paper—1000 Hours of Staring, medium: “Stare on paper”—by doing just what the title says. Consider the relationship between the idea and the physical object. Through May 5. Out [o] Fashion Photography: Embracing Beauty extends New York scholar Deborah Willis’s journey to the heart of photography. This new exhibition, created in residence at the Henry and especially for the Seattle museum, looks at artistic and ethnographic photography— comparing the images collected by the Henry Art Gallery and the University of Washington Libraries, Special Collections. The result is a surprise bulldozing of the distinctions between high and low, ideal beauty and medical health, sex and sales. $10 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through Jul 7. 4100 15th Ave NE, 543-2280.

SEATTLE ART MUSEUM

What’s new at the museum is MIRROR: International fancypants artist Doug Aitken has installed a giant permanent video projection on the facade of SAM. It plays, and continually remixes, hundreds of hours of footage shot across the Pacific Northwest. Free. Ongoing 1300 First Ave 625-8900.

Gallery

Openings

PLATFORM GALLERY

Matt Sellars: new sculptures— about stillness, fragility, warmth, desolation, and emptiness, among other things—after two years of research in the desert. Free. Reception Thurs Mar 28, 6-8 pm. Wed-Sat. Through May 4. 114 Third Ave S, 323-2808.

Continuing Exhibitions

HEDREEN GALLERY, SEATTLE UNIVERSITY

Green Gothic: See review, page 21. Free. Wed-Sat. Through April 24. 901 12th Ave 296-2244.

PAPER HAMMER

Barbara Earl Thomas’s prints from between 2006 and 2013: See preview, page 21. Free. MonSat. April 4-30. 1400 Second Ave, 682-3820.

A PROJECT SPACE

Erin Elyse Burns’s Litany: See review, page 21. Free. Wed-Sat. Through April 5. 1941 First Avenue S. 2H, 234-6831.

Events

GINNY RUFFNER:

TALK AND DEMO

Local glass art pioneer and longtime cool lady Ginny Ruffner is the Museum of Glass’s visiting artist this weekend. She takes over the Hot Shop, where you can watch her turn molten glass into delicate, whimsical objects. Then, on Sunday, she discusses her work over the course of her

Our city’s very own communal dinner fundraising thing for artists! SPROUT dinners, like similar dinners around the country, give emerging artists a chance to pitch you on their projects while you eat a three-course meal cooked by a local chef. You vote over dessert and the winning artist walks home with a grant the same night. At the last dinner, SPROUT gave $1,200 to Brad Pierson’s communal singing project and $500 to Stranger Genius Susan Robb. All Pilgrims Church, 500 Broadway E, 322-0487. sproutseattle.org. $25. Sat Mar 30, 6-9:30pm.

visualart@thestranger.com

READINGS

Wed 3/27

APRIL HAPPY HOUR READING

Local poets Calvin Pierce and Amber Nelson read new work in Capitol Hill’s bar-smellingest bar as part of the APRIL Festival. Comet 922 E Pike St, 3229272. Free. 5:30 pm.

DAVID NEIWERT

Neiwert is a local journalist whose new book, And Hell Followed With Her: Crossing the Dark Side of the American Border, is about the vigilantes who stalk the US/Mexico border and generally fuck things up. Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Ave, 6246600. Free. 7 pm. (Also reading at Secret Garden Books Fri March 29, 7 pm, free.)

DUNCAN WALL & FRIENDS

The author was a circus performer who trained at École Nationale des Arts du Cirque. He teaches “circus history and criticism” nowadays, and he’s also the writer of The Ordinary Acrobat: A Journey into the Wondrous World of the Circus, Past and Present Columbia City Theater, 4916 Rainier Ave S, 624-6600. $5. 7 pm.

A POET, A PLAYWRIGHT, A NOVELIST AND A DRAG QUEEN

In this special event from the good people at the APRIL literary festival, Elissa Ball, Neil Ferron, Peter Mountford and Cherdonna will read and perform new work. It’s up to you to determine which performer is the poet, which is the drag queen, which is the novelist, and which is the playwright. Sorrento Hotel 900 Madison St, 622-6400. $7 cash. 8 pm.

Thurs 3/28

APRIL HAPPY HOUR READING

This APRIL Happy Hour reading is sponsored by PageBoy magazine, which is one of Seattle’s best literary mags. Readers include Emily Beyer, Jennifer Burdette, Rachel Kessler and Greg Bem. The whole thing is hosted by PageBoy editor Thomas Walton. Vermillion 1508 11th Ave, 709-9797. Free. 5:30 pm.

HOWARD BLOOM

Bloom is a philosopher whose newest book is The God Problem: How a Godless Cosmos Creates. Press materials promise that if what Bloom proposes in this book is “only

MATTILDA BERNSTEIN

SYCAMORE

Possibly the only author on the planet who has received praise from both Howard Zinn and T Cooper, Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore’s newest, The End of San Francisco is a crossbreed of memoir, social criticism, and a tender good-bye to a San Francisco that doesn’t exist anymore. Elliott Bay Book Company , 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

PAM HOUSTON

Pam Houston’s new collection of linked stories, A Little More About Me, features stories that were commissioned by the Hugo House for its literary series a few years back. University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm.

EMILY KENDAL FREY, KATE GREENSTREET

Kendal Frey is the author of The Grief Performance , an award-winning poetry collection. Greenstreet’s poems veer between haunting clinical lines (“the baby will born like him, but the baby is fine”) and playful moments of discovery, using word games and test constructions to demonstrate the possibilities that exist every time an author sits down to write. Open Books 2414 N 45th St, 633-0811. Free. 7:30 pm.

Sat 3/30

APRIL SMALL PRESS EXPO

A ton of small presses will sell their wares at Hugo House to celebrate the close of the independent literature festival, along with special performances from Housefire, SPLAB, The Furnace, Bushwick Book Club, and Breadline all day long. This is the biggest, bestest event of the week and you should stop by. Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 322-7030. Free. 11 am.

readings@thestranger.com

THEATER

Opening and Current Runs

EDITH CAN SHOOT THINGS AND HIT THEM

Edith and Kenny are Filipino teenagers who create a fragile family after their widower-father abandons them. Written by A. Rey Pamatat and directed by David Gassner. Featuring Jose Abaoag, Sarah Porkalob, and Tim Smith-Stewart. Seattle Public Theater, 7312 W Green Lake Dr N, 524-1300. $10-$20. ThursSat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Through April 21.

GREY GARDENS See review, page 22. ACT Theater, 700 E Union St, www. acttheatre.org. $55-$77. TuesWed at 7:30 pm, Thurs-Fri at 8 pm, Sat at 2 and 8 pm, Sun at 2 and 7 pm. Through June 2. MASTER HAROLD... AND THE BOYS A coming-of-age story by Athol Fugard set in 1950s apartheid South Africa. Featuring James Lindsay, G.Val Thomas, and Kevin Warren. West of Lenin 203 N 36th St, www.brownpapertickets.com. $12-$18.

extravaganza that will gather celebrated male burlesque performers from all over the world onto the swanky stage of the Triple Door. On the bill: NYC’s the Evil Hate Monkey (an abused circus monkey turned furiously liberated primate), Australia’s Captain Kidd (the self-proclaimed ‘brat child of Aussie circus and burlesque’), Chicago’s aggressively panracial Stage Door Johnnies, Portland’s Russell Bruner (the world’s current Best Boylesque title holder), and Seattle’s own Waxie Moon. Hosting the evening: London writer, musician, and performance artist Mat Fraser.” (David Schmader) Triple Door, 216 Union St, 838-4333. $25-$35. Wed March 27 at 7 pm.

PROJECT SIX

“Jason Ohlberg’s Project 6 embraces classical form and the free expression of modern dance as mutually dependent in its first act, ‘Departure from 5th.’ In addition to contemplative, somewhat foreboding music by Arvo Part, Rufus Wainwright, and others, the dancers perform individually to audio recordings of themselves discussing the physical and emotional aspects of being a dancer:

‘You’re always dissecting what you’re doing wrong.’

‘Never felt I was good enough.’ ‘Do I disappoint you?’ As if! Hearing this negative self-criticism as the speakers move about onstage, lithe, sexy, strong, graceful—would be a serious WTF moment if it wasn’t so heartfelt. This unusually intimate introduction of dancers to the audience creates a conversation that flows through the room for the rest of the performance.” (Melody Datz)

WEDDING CRASHER

BY SARAH GALVIN

LOVE, BOBBLEHEADS, AND A SWORD

Upon my arrival at Adam Swan and Karam Yousef’s wedding, I handed the groom—who happens to be the keyboardist of Truckasauras—a wicker basket of wedding gifts, including a bottle of lavender liqueur and a book of Dale Chihuly postcards. He was so excited to show me the majestic three-foot-high wedding cake that he didn’t even look in the basket. The cake was covered in purple and gold swirls of frosting and topped with plastic bobbleheads of Adam and Karam.

The Georgetown Ballroom is all brick and shiny hardwood ﬂoors, like a high-end speakeasy, glowing with paper lanterns and industrial relics from the International District. While admiring a vintage jukebox, I saw my reﬂection and realized my neck was covered in bicyclechain grease. I dashed to the bathroom to clean it off, got a beer, and went out to the courtyard.

down, everyone gathered in the ballroom, where a fez-wearing Palestinian band played under a white tulle arch and a giant neon sign that said “Jolly Roger.”

The ceremony was a lovely mixture of traditions. Karam emerged from a room above the ballroom with an entourage of tambourine players and the girls in green dresses, who were now carrying wedding rings. When she reached Adam, who seemed dazed with excitement, she yelled, “Woooo!” inspiring cheers from the guests.

An Episcopalian priest performed the wedding ceremony, and the bride’s uncle said a Muslim prayer for Karam’s father, who had passed away.

After the ceremony, everyone moved to the dining room to eat eggplant Parmesan under a glowing Chinese dragon head. I talked with Adam’s cousin, who is on the football team at UW, and Karam showed

Guests talked and drank under luminous strands of lights, as a troupe of little girls in matching green dresses ran among their legs. The sky was just dark enough for a crescent moon to be visible above ﬂowering trees and the sheet-metal roof of a neighboring warehouse. As the sun went

WORN OUT

NOTES ON FASHION BY MARTI JONJAK

JEAN PAUL GAULTIER’S ENDURING BIZARRENESS

Peter Greenaway’s 1989 ﬁlm The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover is a weird, grand spectacle involving haute cuisine and sex and luridness and many particularly horrible things, such as cannibalism, torture, and shit-eating. It showed at Central Cinema recently, but if you missed it, get it from Netﬂix; YouTube has the censored version, which is less thrilling but less exhausting.

Jean Paul Gaultier designed the costuming, which is not surprising. His work has a tendency to appear in movies that embody hallucinatory worlds, including The City of Lost Children and The Fifth Element. (The latter’s gorgeously absurd airline-stewardess dresses inspired local designer Aubrey McMillan.) Many of Gaultier’s styles in The Cook pull details from his signature bondage-y ensembles, with their cage crinolines, cinched waists, and intricate straps. As Georgina, Helen Mirren pairs ostrich-feather accessories with intricate hairdos, all lacquered and swirling, and her garments change colors as she moves from room to room. Restaurant waitstaff uniforms manage to seem both servile and regal, with combinations of epaulets and gold tassels, meticulous white gauntlets, and shiny plastic corsets, while the transparent forks and spoons stacking the chest in

me the decorations on her hands from a prewedding henna party. Finally, the swirly gold-and-purple bobblehead cake was served in the most appropriate manner: by the bride and groom, with a sword.

Would you like The Stranger to crash your wedding? Send your wedding invitation to weddingcrasher@thestranger.com!

horizontal rows impart a sci-ﬁ-nutcrackermagic-majorette effect. As the pathological lunatic Albert, Michael Gambon and his accompanying thugs dole out abuse by jamming objects into victims’ mouths: book pages, spoon handles, wooden buttons, belly buttons. They resemble 17th-century cardinals, with red sashes and delicate lace collars draped over ﬁnely tailored suits.

Movie getups aside, Gaultier is best known as the creator of Madonna’s seamed, conical bra from her 1990 Blond Ambition Tour. He layered her girdle over ordinary trousers, which sounds like it should have looked silly but was wildly sexy instead. Many of his designs play up the bizarre uses of standard items: straw place mats become bolero jackets, cat-food cans become bracelets, plastic globes become hats, salad bowls become collars

Sometimes a classic lace pattern gets adapted in rubber, anti-slip bathtub stickers embellish a gown’s train, and mini airline bottles of Scotch double as accessories, dangling from chains. Everyday sensations can seep in, too. In a mid-’80s Vogue interview, he described his “You Feel as Though You’ve Eaten Too Much” collection, with its assortment of garments intentionally appearing to ﬁt “too-tight”: “People who… dress badly are the real stylists. My [inspiration comes] from exactly those moments when you are mistaken or embarrassed.” And in the realm of menswear, Gaultier quickly gets fantastical, with his backless sweaters, thick fur bibs, pigeon-feather coats, or jackets piled with white, full-carcass foxes—a pair of them, to sling over each arm.

Exclusively at Aprie

Locally owned brand Kiup Clothing

Federal Way, WA + Call for Artists

The City of Federal Way’s Arts Commission is hosting a Call for Artists for an Interim Sculpture Park that will be installed on the open space next to the Federal Way Transit Center (21st Avenue South and South 316th Street). The park is meant to enliven the area, infuse a cultural aspect to a mostly commercial area, and provide an opportunity for local and regional artists to exhibit their work. Artists are encouraged to visit the site, and to submit a piece or selection of pieces for consideration.

The Arts Commission will choose four to six pieces, depending on the sizes of submissions. Pieces will be on exhibition for a one year rotation. The Arts Commission will put out a Call for Artists for each subsequent rotation.

Submission

Submit your application by April 21, 2013. The application, provided below, includes a short artist’s statement and information specific to the piece to be considered. Pictures of the sculptures or installations should be included as stills, .jpeg or .tiff, or on CD.

Mail and Delivery

You may mail or deliver your application to:

email CD.Volunteer@cityoffederalway.com for an application.

NEWLYWEDS Cutting the cake with a sword.

JENNY JIMENEZ

A Women’s Clothing Boutique

CHOW

Put Your Fake Meat in My Mouth

(I Beg You)

BY CIENNA MADRID

I’m a proud meat-eater. Meat makes my mouth water with the same fervor as winning an argument or correcting someone’s grammar, to the point where it’s sometimes difﬁcult

talking around such deep, shimmering pools of saliva. But lately, I’ve found that when I’m eating out at a restaurant, I eschew real meat for its fake counterpart. I love how fake meat is persistently chewy, like savory chewing gum. I love its different “ﬂavors,” which remind me of sucking on bouillon cubes. My one complaint is that all fake meat could use a teaspoon more cruelty.

How has fake meat hypnotized my palate like this? Was it a vegetarian conspiracy to get meat-eaters like me to forsake our beef burgers and horse steaks? If so, it won’t work. I mainly eat animals to absorb their cuteness. (Now I just do that at home, surrounded by candles and tasteful sprays of chicken blood.) But my cravings are becoming more fake-meat-centric by the day. To prevent myself from buying that meat-ﬂavored toothpaste designed for house pets, and based on suggestions from other fake-meat lovers on Slog, The Stranger’s bacon-wrapped blog, I set out to sample the best fake meat dishes Seattle has to offer.

Moonlight Cafe: Catﬁsh, Pork Skewers, Sesame Beef

1919 S Jackson St, 322-3378

The Central District’s divey Moonlight Cafe has two distinct menus: one featuring Vietnamese meat dishes, the other devoted to fake meat. The trick to ordering the “catﬁsh” is that you have to immediately forget that you ordered it, because eating fake ﬁsh

the triangulation of rich corned beef, tangy sauerkraut, and fatty Thousand Island dressing, so I had misgivings about fucking up that perfect taste triangle with Field Roast—the dour, grainy cousin of my beloved fake meat slabs. Fortunately, the Lucky Diner in Belltown knows the trick to keeping a triangle stable: If you shorten one side, fortify the others. I wouldn’t be able to describe what Lucky’s Field Roast tastes like, but my perfectly toasted sauerkraut-and-ThousandIsland-dressing sandwich with cheese was a triumph of fat and salt. For kicks, I also tried their breakfast burrito with fake meat. Like the Reuben, it was a delicious mess, but I’ll be damned if I could taste the difference.

Razzis Pizzeria: Chicken Parmesan 8523 Greenwood Ave N, 782-9005

I have no beef with most of the dishes at Razzis Pizzeria in Greenwood, but if I had to guess, I’d say that their vegan chicken Parmesan ($18—eighteen dollars!!! All the other fake meat tested here was around $10) was either deliberately designed to punish vegans for their high-maintenance ways or it was carelessly created by someone who believes that vegans, by their very nature, lack good taste. Either way, the dish, which was rabidly endorsed by a Slog commenter, deeply sucked. Its marinara sauce had a distinctly tinny aftertaste and was too thick to penetrate the brick of noodles below, which were left dry and sticky. Sprinkled on top of the marinara sauce was a stingy handful of fake chicken cubes and fake Parmesan ﬂakes. I picked out the fake chicken cubes and discarded the rest.

Jhanjay Vegetarian Thai: Jhanjay Noodles and Eggplant in Black Bean Sauce 5313 Ballard Ave NW, 588-1469

sounds as repulsive as chewing on day-old underwear. Thankfully, when the dish arrives, the slabs of indeterminate protein look nothing like fish or soiled panties—if anything, they resemble steak fries. Thin strips of seaweed cling to each springy piece and give the “meat” a briny aftertaste reminiscent of the sea. It’s not catfish by any stretch, but it is delicious. Moonlight’s “pork” skewers also come highly recommended, and they live up to the hype—they’re juicy and have a rich, salty flavor reminiscent of sucking on barbecued pigs’ feet. However, the sesame “beef” dish isn’t as

Thankfully, the slabs of indeterminate protein look nothing like ﬁsh or soiled panties.

successful—its rich sauce is overpowered by honey and a thick confetti of sesame seeds. The combination coats your teeth like gnats on a windshield. It is not pleasant.

The Lucky Diner: Vegetarian Reuben, Breakfast Burrito

2630 First Ave, 805-0133

Somewhere in my youth, math taught me that triangles are the most stable shape found in nature. Reubens are designed to showcase

There are countless reasons to love Ballard’s Jhanjay Vegetarian Thai, from the courteous waitstaff to the deference they pay to vegetables in every dish. But here’s another reason to love it: They have, by far, the best fake meat in the city. Unlike other restaurants that use the overprocessed spongy fake meat that I admittedly adore, Jhanjay makes its own fake meat in-house. It’s composed of thick layers of shredded and pressed mushrooms that unfold as you chew, like striations of real meat. The sensation is marvelous, especially when juxtaposed with crunchy bamboo shoots, water chestnuts, green peas, and corn in their signature Jhanjay noodle dish. However, their eggplant in black bean sauce is better served with fried tofu than fake meat, which is overpowered, rather than enhanced, by the rich sauce.

There are a few obvious takeaways from basting oneself in fake meat for a week straight. It’s not at all healthy—my fingers resemble salt-logged puffer fish right now— and despite how hard it would seem to fuck up a food you can neither over- nor undercook, it’s not all good. I have no idea why Razzis seems to hate vegans so much, just as I have no clue what I did to offend the vindictive Slog commenter who suggested I eat there. But whatever it is, anonymous friend, allow me to sincerely apologize to you over a plate of fresh Jhanjay noodles, or a shared spear of catfish that we can consume together, like ladies and tramps, because dishes like those will make faux-meat converts of us all.

Comment on fake (and real) meat at THESTRANGER.COM/CHOW

Weekly Specials

Sunday-Monday: Happy Hour All Day

Tuesday: 'Tini Tuesdays - $5 well martinis

Wednesday: Wine-down Wednesdays1/2 oﬀ most bottles of wine

Thursday: Ladies night - 1/2 oﬀ specialty cocktails for the ladies.

THE SESAME “BEEF” AT THE MOONLIGHT CAFE Like savory chewing gum.

KELLY O

DRINKENING WITH CHARLSE MUDEDE

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

THE WHEEL OF LIFE

The Seattle Great Wheel Pier 57, 1301 Alaskan Way

Not long ago, after a night of drinking, a good friend of mine provided me with what I thought was an excellent piece of information: Drinking is permitted on the Seattle Great Wheel. (I later learned it is not.) The wheel, which opened nearly a year ago and cost $20 million to make, has great views of the city, the bay, the ships and ferries on the bay, and the snow-capped mountains in the distance. Yes, few things are as magical as rising and falling in a Ferris wheel’s gondola as the sun sets on the world. But drinking as you absorb these natural and human-made wonders opens the magic of a moment to the eternal. And not just any old eternal, but the kind of eternal that Walter Benjamin described in this sentence: “The eternal is in any case far more the rufﬂe on a dress than some idea.” It is the eternal of the here and now. Because one should always drink with friends or among strangers, the entire meaning of a bar, I drank on the wheel with four souls (two of whom I was familiar with, two I wasn’t). I do not want to get into the details of what exactly we were all doing in the gondola, but we did enjoy the bottle of wine—Horse Heaven Hills’ Les Chevaux ($15). (By the way, three rotations on the wheel costs $15 a soul.)

There is a reason why I picked this wine.

“The eternal is in any case far more the rufﬂe on a dress than some idea.”

Its name reminded me of a trip I took to the Tri-Cities at about the time this Les Chevaux was bottled in 2010 (“les chevaux” means “the horses” in French). The memory: I entered the city on 82 at around dusk, I saw to the south a long row of wind turbines on the edge of a hill. Later that night, I learned while staying in a hotel on Clover Island, which is in the middle of the ancient Columbia River, that behind this row of mighty, dreamy, and altogether angelic wind turbines was Horse Heaven Hills, an area with no less than eight wineries, one of which is Columbia Crest, the maker of Les Chevaux.

The wine is not bad at all. It’s dark, thick, and smoky. It’s like drinking a clear and starless night over an open ﬁeld. Five pours in plastic cups emptied the bottle. It’s too bad my friend was dead wrong—bringing your own wine to the wheel is "strictly prohibited." So let's keep this our little secret.

Comment on Drinkening with Charlse Mudede at THESTRANGER.COM/CHOW

(between Pine & Olive) Open for Lunch & Dinner. Dine-In, Carry-Out, Delivery

NOW OPEN

New Places for Stufﬁng Faces

BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT AND KIM FU

• GASTROPOD • Georgetown: Masterminded by Travis Kukull, formerly at Tilikum Place Cafe and Elemental, Gastropod shares Epic Ales’ tasting room in Georgetown and has a short but fascinating-looking menu, which might include miso/black garlic–baked Hama Hama oysters, $6; roasted brussels sprout okonomiyaki with soy trufﬂe emulsion, $9; and duck/goose/pork/lamb crepinette in phyllo, $15. Epic founder/brewer Cody Lee Morris says they want to create “a more experimental brewpub,” with small plates that rotate as often as their taps do, letting them “totally transform roughly every other week.” Also, their logo has a cute snail. (3201 First Ave S, Suite 104, 403-1228, gastropodsodo.com, $–$$)

• RAIN SHADOW MEATS SQUARED • Pioneer Square: The awesomely named Russell Flint brings his Capitol Hill butcher shop—including Painted Hills beef, Carlton Farms pork, Saddleback Ranch lamb, Mad Hatcher Farms poultry and rabbits, various house-cured meats, and pornographically large handmade hot dogs—to Pioneer Square. Hallelujah! Even better: RSM2 has seating for eating sandwiches and hot entrées, and drinking beer and wine. (404 Occidental Ave S, 467-6328, rainshadowmeats.com, $–$$)

• GOLDEN WHEAT BAKERY • Madrona: Just off MLK at Cherry, family-owned, really nice Golden Wheat Bakery serves espresso in mismatched cups and all housemade baked goods, including various breads and pastries, tarts, and reportedly great challah and bagels. They’re also making their own cream cheese—you know, from cream—which is also reportedly awesome. (2908 E Cherry St, $)

• BALLARD ANNEX OYSTER HOUSE • Ballard: The oyster bar, steam kettles, and live crab and lobster tanks of the 4,000 square-foot (!) Ballard Annex are brought to you by the entrepreneurs behind the big, fancied-up barbecue restaurant Kickin’ Boot Whiskey Kitchen and its Portland replicant, Southland Whiskey Kitchen. They also own Ballard Mexi-party spot Matador, plus six more Matadors (at this writing) in Washington, Oregon, and Idaho. So, a seafood restaurant: why not? Chef Josh Green (Virginia Inn, Ponti) is “at the helm.” (5410 Ballard Ave NW, 783-5410, ballardannex.com, $$–$$$)

• BLOOM BENTO • Fremont: Chef Jason Harris (formerly of Showa, Sushi Kappo Tamura, and Chiso) ﬁlls super-cute, returnable/reusable bento lunch boxes Ingredients are sourced from Seattle farmers’ markets and prepared using traditional Japanese techniques, though not so traditional as to exclude bacon. Delivery is available; check their website for current prices/radius. (3601 Fremont Ave N, 425533-7019, bloombento.com, $)

• CHABELA’S BAR & GRILL • Wallingford: After enduring an online debate about their logo versus that of Cabela’s, Chabela’s serves familiar Mexican fare (1715 N 45th St, 547-5430, $$)

• SEBI’S BISTRO • Eastlake: On the former site of Borsalino’s (in that amazing castley building near the University Bridge), Sebi’s Bistro offers traditional Polish fare, as well

Adrift Hotel & Spa:

On the ocean, in the heart of Long Beach, WA, you will find a modern and unique eighty room hotel. With a focus on value and sustainability, Adrift Hotel & Spa believe that your relaxing beach vacation should be made easy, and breathtaking ocean views should be a necessity. This deal is good for a two night stay at Adrift (check-in Sunday-Wednesday), a $10 dining credit at the on-site restaurant Pickled Fish, PLUS a “bonfire package” to make your stay extra memorable, which includes two Fort George Tall Boys, everything you need to make a bonfire on the beach, s’mores fixins, and access to beach chairs and blanket. P.S. Adrift is a pet friendly hotel! Two-Night Stay with $10 Dining Credit and “Bonfire Package”. $198 Value. Your Price: $99.

Eastlake Bar & Grill:

Award-winning Eastlake Bar & Grill is situated on Eastlake Avenue and offers some of the best deck views and dining at Lake Union. The outdoor tiki bar and patio are favorite gathering places. There’s something for everyone on our diverse and affordable menu. Stop by the bar for all your favorite sporting events, or check out the Sunday breakfast specials. Eastlake Bar & Grill’s Top Deck lounge can be reserved for private parties and is the place to watch ﬁreworks on the 4th of July and New Year’s Eve. Open daily for lunch, dinner & happy hour and breakfast on Saturday and Sunday.

$25 to spend at Eastlake Bar & Grill. Your Price: $12.50.

Tasty Tiger:

Tasty Tiger has been producing quality spandex and slinky knit products since 1997 in the USA. We take pride in each and every product that leaves our production facility and are constantly innovating to create our next line of fashions that leave people feeling fulﬁlled and expressed in their lives. Since 1997 we have stood for one thing, the quality of our products. All of our products are made from the ﬁnest materials available and manufactured in our Seattle factory. As a result, our products are durable, washable, long lasting, and sweatshop free. Your satisfaction is our pleasure.

$20 to spend at Tasty Tiger. Your Price: $10.

WE SHIP SEAFOOD OVERNIGHT ANYWHERE IN THE USA OR WE PACK FOR AIR TRAVEL as Polish-inﬂuenced pizza (?). (3242 Eastlake Ave E, 420-2199, $$)

• CAFE GOLDINBLACK • Lower Queen Anne: It’s rare to see a menu with both pastrami sandwiches and kalbi beef, but this Korean-inﬂuenced, East-meets-West sandwich shop doesn’t stop there: They also serve pork ramen and fully loaded hot dogs. (621 Queen Anne Ave NE, 466-2737, $)

• HARBOUR POINTE COFFEEHOUSE • Madison Valley: Harbour Pointe—utilizing the British/Canadian spelling of harbor and the French/ballet-shoe spelling of point, for no apparent reason—makes coffee using their own branded blends and a seasonal single-origin blend. Lunch includes a bunch of “soon-to-be world famous” grilled cheese sandwiches. (2818 E Madison St, 420-1187, hpcoffeehouse.com, $)

• BADA BISTRO • West Seattle: Headed by chef John David Crow (with a résumé including standbys-if-not-standouts Union Square Grill, the Space Needle, and the Brooklyn), Bada is a “beachside bistro, Seattle in flavor, with a definite Pacific Rim influence.” They claim to have the only craft cocktails on Alki. (2738 Alki Ave SW, badabistro.com, $$–$$$)

REOPENED/MOVED • FUJI BAKERY has (at last!) reopened its International District and Bellevue locations, and a new one in Interbay is imminent (yay!) • B&O ESPRESSO has moved to Ballard after 36 years on Capitol Hill.

CALAMITY

Chow Events

Fri 3/29

SLOG NERD HAPPY HOUR

On the last Friday of every month, the Stranger Testing Department (aka the STD, aka Paul Hughes and Rob Lightner, along with Queen Nerd Mary Traverse, and sometimes special guests!) takes over the Raygun Lounge for beer-and-board/card-game goodness. It is FUN. The Raygun Lounge , 501 E Pine St. gammaraygamestore.com. No cover. 5 pm onward.

Sat 3/30

WASHINGTON CASK

JANE’S BINGO

Bingo plus booze equals FUN, and this Monday night bingo game has $2.50 PBR tallboys with all-you-can-eat spaghetti for $9.13 (plus meatballs “as big as your head” for a bit more). N.B.: The first Monday of every month is Dyke Date Bingo, where “you don’t have to be a lesbian, but if you are, grab a friend and come on down!” Calamity Jane’s , 5701 Airport Way S, 763-3040. calamityjanes.biz. 6-10 pm. COCKTAIL THUNDERDOME

BEER FE STIVAL

The Washington Brewer’s Guild rolls out more than 90 types of cask beer (!) and gives you 25 tastes—choose wisely, then drink your wisdom away. Seattle Center Exhibition Hall , 305 Harrison St, Seattle Center. washingtonbrewersguild.org. $40 adv/$45 DOS. 12-4 and 6-10 pm.

Mon 4/1

KRAKEN CONGEE

POP-UP

Garrett Doherty (the Ruins), Irbille Donia (Ray’s, Iribille Edibles), and Shane Tyler Robinson (Stopsky’s, the Ruins) serve rice porridge for one night only at Grub. Grub , 7 Boston St, 216-3628. letsgogrub .com. $5-$15. 5-9 pm.

PAELLA NIGHT Every Monday night, the great Tamara Murphy makes probably really great paella for $15 per person at Terra Plata. Terra Plata, 1501 Melrose Ave, 3251501. terraplata.com. $15.

This monthly cocktail contest is described as “an equitable, boozy Thunderdome.” Tina Turner won’t be there, more than two people will enter, and likely more than one will leave alive, but it still sounds pretty good. Vessel , 624 Olive Way, 623-3325. vinumcocktailcompetition.com. 6:30 pm.

Thru Tue 4/2

PASSOVER MENU AT GOLDEN BEETLE

Chef Maria Hines (who isn’t Jewish) cooks Passover dinner with chef Ariel Fishman-Larsh (who is) in the Golden Beetle kitchen (which isn’t kosher, but is certified organic). The five courses present the seven symbolic foods of the Seder plate in ritual order, including housemade matzoh with horseradish jam, lamb kebab, and wine-cooked apples with almonds and currants. Golden Beetle, 1744 NW Market St, 7062977. golden-beetle.com. $40. Through April 2.

MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. SEND EVENT INFO TO: chow@thestranger.com

Find the full calendar online.

MUSIC

The Language of Hiphop Hands

Rappers Rap with Their Mouths and Their Hands

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

Let’s think about hiphop hands. We can begin with this understanding: Hiphop hands are not the same as jazz hands. One can be certain of this distinction because the former does not

share the same root or, as a consequence, function with the latter. Jazz hands relate to dancing, to ornamenting the body as it moves in time and through space to a beat. The absolute function of jazz hands—the double dream hands, the shimmy above or in front of the eyes, the clap burst, the rain hands—is decorative. Hiphop hands are rooted in the communicative rather than the decorative—they function to enrich, enhance, and even dramatize the things a rapper is saying. In this respect, hiphop hands are much closer to the deepest and oldest parts of human language.

Hands were used for human language long before vocal language.

Now I must introduce Dr. Michael Arbib, a theoretical neuroscientist who, in 1998, published an important paper with Giacomo Rizzolatti called “Language Within Our Grasp.” (Rizzolatti is an Italian neurophysiologist who played a leading role in the

discovery of the now famous mirror neurons.) In the paper, Arbib and Rizzolatti introduce a fascinating and compelling idea about the source of human language: the hands. This idea came to them when they realized that the part of the brain known as the language area (Broca’s area) is also the neural area for grasping. Why would this be? How is spoken language related to grasping with your hands? Arbib and Rizzolatti concluded that the hands were used for human language long before vocal language was developed. The older language, however, is not dead; it’s very much with us to this day as gestures. Our hands do not stay still when we speak, but move around and through the air. The old system is tied to the newer one.

Now back to hiphop. As rap is an art of language, hiphop hands are also an art of language. Both are tied to the same

communication system in the brain, both are telling us things. We listen and we watch at the same time; we listen to the words of the rap and we watch the hands of the rap—the hands crisscrossing, the hands pumping, the hands pounding. We can even imagine some remote time, some place deep in human history, when something like hiphop hands was all there was to entertain people. No dope rhymes, just dope hands.

It is not the business of this article to produce an exhaustive classiﬁcation of hiphop hands. It would take years and hundreds of thousands of dollars to identify all of them—general hands, idiosyncratic hands, literal hands. All I can offer the reader are just six hands—six hiphop hands that I ﬁnd mesmerizing.

Back-Up-Off-Me Hands

When Fabolous uses these hands in the video for the Just Blaze–produced track “Breathe” (one of the greatest beats of the ’00s), he raps, “I space myself and just take a deep breath.” Meaning, he needs room so that he can think clearly and make sound decisions. But to get this breathing room, you and everybody else need to back up off him.

World Hands

When Ishmael Butler (Shabazz Palaces, Digable Planets) says “world renowned” in the Zia Mohajerjasbi–directed video for Jake One’s “Home,” he raises his hands up and wide. This is the hiphop hands expression of the total, the all, the whole of it.

One-Finger Chop

Whether it’s done as a single chop or repeated chops (up, down, up, down), we always get the same message from this gesture: If you are going to understand one thing, understand this. In “Still D.R.E.,” Snoop Dogg (now Snoop Lion) gives a one-ﬁnger chop when he raps, “Still hitting them corners in them lowlows, girl.”

Fist-From-Head Hands

Supreme NTM were a big deal in the ’90s— ﬁlling the airwaves with their beats, selling out shows, moving thousands upon thousands of records. If you are wondering why you’ve never heard of them, it’s because you do not listen to French hiphop. But even if you don’t know a thing about this marvelous branch of rapping or a lick of French, Supreme NTM’s video for “That’s My People” will not leave you in the cold. All you have to do is watch the rapper’s hands. They are speaking in a language you understand—it’s the language of hiphop hands.

Face Hands

In the video for the Beastie Boys’ “So What’cha Want,” the late MCA covers his whole face as he raps, “But like a dream, I’m ﬂowing without no stopping.” When he releases his face from the hands, he turns his head this way and that, like a man who was in the dark for many years and is now dazed by the bright light of the sun.

Not-Having-It

Hands

Very early in Black Star’s wonderful update of “The Message,” “Respiration,” Mos Def (now Yasiin Bey) waves both his hands, palms down, from side to side as he raps, “This ain’t no time where the usual is suitable.” Though this hiphop gesture has its origin in standard body language (no way, not doing it, not hearing it), rappers never fail to give it greater expressive depth with more pronounced rhythmic articulation.

Follow Charles on Twitter @mudede and read his bizarre theories about music daily at THESTRANGER.COM/LINEOUT

tice

FRI/MARCH 29 • 8PM 5TH ANNUAL GIMME SHELTER BENEFIT FOR DESC the dusty 45s, star anna, and shane tutmarc

SAT/MARCH 30 • 8PM the english beat w/ kore ionz

SUN/MARCH 31 • 8PM mycle wastman w/ nyoka

TUE/APRIL 2 • 7:30PM battleﬁeld band w/ the northwest junior pipe band

Whatever Happened to Neanderfuck?

Mudhoney on Six Local Bands That Couldn’t

Can you believe that Mudhoney have been spewing sweat, spit, and guitar riffs for 25 fucking years? It’s true! They’re celebrating the occasion with a new album, Vanishing Point, and a recordrelease show with Unnatural Helpers and Universe People—obviously, it’s going to rule.

But the music industry is a ruthless land, and you don’t last a quarter of a century without witnessing a lot of ugliness along the way. Bands come and go, sometimes for the better, oftentimes for the worse, and Mudhoney have seen it all. If the world were fair, all the great bands would manage to survive as long as Mudhoney have, but alas, sometimes the good die yo ung. I asked the boys to tell me about a few bands they wish would have been able to stay the course into their 25th year— they responded with six forgotten Northwest greats that ﬂew under the radar, never achieving the fame they probably deser ved. Here’s what they said:

Zoot Pickle and the Grudge (1988–1991): The nonstop, gender-bending, funk-fun blast from Renton. Crazy costumes, strange stage secretions? Sunk by the weight of costly operations and artistic differences.

Neanderfuck (1992–1998): The most primitive garage-punk thug band from the Northwest. They made RPA and Extreme Hate look like doily-knitting dilettantes.

Wimbly Wambly & the Eggamuffinz (2001–2004): Rise and shine to Burien’s hottest breakfast-themed party band. Bloody Marys, mimosas, and meth; these guys (and one gal) really knew how to kick-start the day.

Jane Antlerdance (1997–2005): This country-folk legend was born and bred on First Hill. In an effort to get authentically country, she moved to northern Idaho, eventually falling into the Aryan Nation’s orbit. Her nonracist debut record, however, is as essential as the ﬁrst Screwdriver album.

Pub Nosh (1989–1989): Seattle’s only Oi! band of note. Formed for fun, ended in tragedy—lead singer and pogo master Smelly Fred was killed in a head-butting incident involving a police horse!

Czech Pleez! (2004–2010): Heavy-metal string quartet, used themes by legendary Czech composer Cyril Suk. Well-known members of the local swinger scene, we can all see how this ended… badly.

Smelly Fred

Teeth-Melting Schrag

Behead the Prophet Return to Seattle

BY EMILY NOKES

Behead the Prophet No Lord Shall Live were a fantastically spastic Northwest hardcore band whose chaotic energy and intense live shows carved them a place in the Olympia/Bellingham DIY heyday of the 1990s. While they’re often associated with the “queercore” genre, they prefer the term “schrag” to deﬁne their teeth-melting sound, made extra-special with the inclusion of an itchy white-noise violin (the dissonant instrument was played by the remarkable Michael Griffen who, sadly, passed away in 2008). In a much-anticipated Magma Festival ﬁnale, BTP are playing Vera Project after 15 years of dormancy, for no real reason other than someone asked them to.

music is called schrag. Queercore is when queer people make crazy music of any type and don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of it or how it’s categorized.

Q: Hate the term—queer is not a kind of music, and 20 years of living in Olympia made me suspicious of grand declarations of personal identity. It did make sense to attach queercore to the Mukilteo Fairies, which was my and Joshua’s prior band—not BTP, though.

Behead the Prophet No Lord Shall Live w/the Need, Hysterics, Body Betrayal Sat March 30, Vera Project, 7:30 pm, $10 adv/$12 DOS, all ages

I tracked down members Jordan Rain (drums), Joshua Ploeg (singer), Jon “Quitty” Quittner (bass), and Dave Harvey (guitar), and through a series of e-mails, talked with them about tour memories, almost playing with Quiet Riot, and how they got that fucking band name.

It’s been a while! What year did BTP ofﬁcially call it quits? JP: We never did call it quits, but we played our last show in 1998.

What caused the reunion? JP: Someone asked us to play a show. No one had ever bothered before.

DH: I’m not exactly sure, but I don’t really want to call it a reunion. We’re just playing a few shows again, how’s that? I am looking forward to being that guy who ruins the band. You know when you go see a reunion show, and some dude thinks he’s “updating” their sound, while obviously completely ruining what made the band great in the ﬁrst place? I wanna be that guy.

How have the practices for your upcoming shows been? DH: Ha! We’ve had one practice, and Joshua wasn’t even there—he’s living in Los Angeles. But it went great!

Q: It was absolutely strange how easily we were able to summon the speed and fury. And I, for one, am just as pissed as I ever was.

What’s your deﬁnition of queercore? How else do you describe your music? JP: Our

Q: I have only one small correction to make to Dave’s version, which is that “Glen doesn’t have a brother” didn’t come from anyone so boring as a metal-label guy on the phone; it was Steve from Assück in person. He worked at Morrisound Studio in Tampa, so he knew Glen Benton.

JR: Walking out of the Safeway parking lot, I believe I said, “Sounds like we have a band name,” though I admit we sound more like Tear Off U Face.

What bands did y’all play with back in the day? Q: Asshole Parade, Evaporators, Botch. And one that really sticks out is—I shit you not—Big Sandy and His Fly-Rite Boys, who we followed one magic night in Jacksonville.

DH: A band we almost played with but unfortunately did not was Quiet Riot. It’s a fuzzy memory, but there was a time when Quiet Riot would play anywhere someone could collect them something like $500. Some kids up in Vancouver wanted to have them play their house and have us play, too. QR didn’t come through, but it almost happened!

JR: Karp! We did play a show with Modest Mouse and the Murder City Devils, which was a good time. I liked watching the early Blood Brothers thrash it out as teenagers.

Any very great or very shitty memories from tours past? DH: I don’t know if this is a shitty or good tour memory, but when we were having a really crappy day, Jordan and Quitty and I would start talking in falsetto, cursing up a blue streak about wanting to kill ourselves rather than walk past that crusty punk who was strangling a cat one more time—but in the gentlest, most defeated falsetto voices we could muster.

JR: I view the deﬁnition at face value and say it simply means “queer-relevant hardcore music.” It was a subject, at the time, that hadn’t had much coverage lyrically/musically—other than a handful of bands within the decade prior—so I think it was relevant to mention it to an extent.

Where did your band name come from?

DH: At one of our ﬁrst practices, Quitty, Jordan, and I went over to Safeway in the U-District to get snacks. We were looking at some metal magazine, when suddenly we’re joined by this semi-nu-metal-looking, nocount dude who asks, in a deep redneck sort of mumbling accent, “You boys listen to death metal?” We look at each other and say, “Uh, yeah.” He asks, “You like Deicide?” And Quitty says, “Yeah, they’re gnarly, the singer’s got an upside-down cross burned on his forehead!” And our pal responds, “Yeah, that’s my brother, he got me, too,” and shows us a vague cross burned on his ﬁst. He quickly follows up with, “You heard the new record? Whaddayathinkof ‘BeheadtheProphetNoLordShallLive’first tracksidetwo?” And there you have it, our new band name. Well, it was between that and “Tear Off U Face.”

Q: Dave’s right, you just can’t fuck with falsetto day. A day or a show had to be really shitty to get the falsetto treatment. Like one time we drove all night through a blizzard to get to Fargo. I slept for maybe two hours with my head in an ashtray at one of those houses that smells strongly of cat piss. The plumbing got knocked out by the blizzard, so the toilet then drained directly into the basement—where the show was. A nasty ﬂood immediately followed and we were nearly trapped there. As we considered the possibility of a lengthy stay in Fargo, a woeful, shockingly high voice would emerge: “Um, you guys? I hate life and look forward to death… like, soon? So I’d really appreciate your assistance as I submerge my head into the freezing river, never to come up again.” One stay in Columbia, Missouri, came very close to being so lame as to result in nude falsetto day.

Condolences on the passing of your friend and bandmate Michael Griffen. Can you talk about his contributions to the band? JR: Michael was a good friend and a hero to me and one of the most kind and creative human beings I’ve ever met.

“I slept for maybe two hours with my head in an ashtray at one of those houses that smells strongly of cat piss.”

Some years later, Quitty—who was working distro at K Records—was talking on the phone to a guy at a metal label down in Florida who knew all the metal bands there, and told him this story, and the guy responded, “Aw, that’s bullshit, Glen doesn’t have a brother.”

JP: Michael was amazing and inspiring to play with. He definitely liked to stretch the definition of music, or rather he liked to stretch the definition of noise to include music—that’s how he could tolerate all of our stupid crap.

Q: Though Michael was more than 30 years older than me, he was by far the youngest member of the band in spirit. In a band committed to making a fucked-up racket, he added the majority of the chaos that gave us whatever edge we had. Michael—a dear soul who deﬁnitely would be embarrassed at all the people who declare him as such…

Read SO MUCH more of this interview at THESTRANGER.COM/MUSIC

BEHEAD THE PROPHET Quitty, Dave, Jordan, Joshua, and Michael.

doing. I work at it. I’m very serious about it.

DEAP VALLY

DAUGHTERS OF THE DEAD SEA, WITH GUESTS

All Ages (bar w/ id) - 8:00 PM Advance tickets @ @ ticketﬂy.com

WHITEST KIDS U’ KNOW

All Ages (bar w/ id) - 8:00 PM Advance tickets @ stgpresents.org

4/7 THE ATOM AGE @ 2BIT SALOON 4/19 A NIGHT OF COMEDY WITH JOE SIB @ RENDEZVOUS 4/27 TRANSIT @ VERA

$6/8PM

STRANGE JEROME LOST DOGMA JACKRABBIT

$8/9:30PM SUN 3/31

HIGH DIVE PRESENTS: BOTTOM DOLLARS THE NUCLEARS DEATHROW TULL +GUESTS

$6/8PM TUE 4/2

SOUND CHECK

MIKE MCCREADY ON MAD SEASON REISSUE

TOMMY SAVITT

Tommy Savitt has perfected an outlandish “lounge lizard” character that attempts to smoothly seduce his audience while inadvertently revealing such deep character ﬂaws as to leave one in awe of the futility and braveness of his effort. It’s a very strong presentation that has earned him the crown of both the Seattle Comedy Competition and the Boston Comedy Festival in recent

Pearl Jam guitarist Mike McCready has an identifiable sound. You hear him in a song and know it’s him. He can destroy with distortion, or he can go aqueous with a phaser pedal and trace intricate music box dreamstate lines. Mainly, McCready pulls from a three-tiered turret of influences: Ace Frehley, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Jimi Hendrix. Coming up in Roosevelt High School in Seattle, McCready’s blues-based fingerprint of KISS could be heard in his first band, Shadow. From there, it was Temple of the Dog, then Pearl Jam. In 1994, McCready formed Mad Season with Layne Staley of Alice in Chains, Barrett Martin of Screaming Trees, and bassist John Baker Saunders—they released one studio album, called Above

Sadly, addiction took hold of Staley and Saunders, claiming both their lives and spelling an indeﬁnite end to the band.

On April 2, a deluxe edition of Mad Season’s Above will be released with two CDs containing the original studio album, three previously unreleased tracks with Mark Lanegan singing, and a DVD that includes videos of their last show at the Moore and their New Year’s Eve performance at the now-defunct RKCNDY. Mike McCready spoke.

How did Mad Season begin? I was in rehab in 1994, getting sober for the ﬁrst time, and I met Baker there. Layne was a friend of mine, and I knew he was struggling, I started thinking that I wanted to help him out. I was naive back then, thinking I could save people. My initial inclination with it was to help Layne out and to get to play with Barrett—I’d always loved his drumming.

Please talk about the song “River of Deceit.” It’s so lucid and composed. It was a mellow riff I was playing around with. I feel like the song is like the title—a slow moving river, not to be too obvious [laughs]. It became so much cooler when Layne put lyrics to it. Barrett added some viola to it and gave it this quality that made it different than a rock song. It was more poetic in a way.

Y’all caught something on Above It did all happen quickly. I think we played a total of six shows—two of them were videotaped, which we’re including in this rerelease. It was easy, not forced. Lightning in a bottle.

There are some sensitive and intense things there, with the losses of Layne and Baker. Were you all conscious there was a struggle with drugs? One thing led to another. Everyone was partying a lot back then—there was a lot of drinking and there were drugs around. When you’re young, you don’t think it’s something that’s going to kill you. You buy into your own press a little bit. But if addictions aren’t dealt with, they’ll end in jail, institutions, or death. Those aren’t good options.

How were you able to pull back and climb out of the addiction? I wish I knew. I just started seeing that there were other things worth more than what I was

Thinking of Layne, he seemingly had it all: the voice, the bands, his presence. But you never know what’s going on inside someone’s head. Yeah, I couldn’t tell you what was going on inside his head. And I’d known him for a long time. Pearl Jam opened for Alice in Chains on our ﬁrst tour when we were called Mookie Blaylock. I got to know Layne on that West Coast tour. It was an amazing time—we were stoked, celebrating; we were young and got to quit our day jobs. Layne was a good soul—he was the kind of guy who never talked shit about anybody. A lot of Seattle musicians can be cynical, including myself [laughs], but Layne was never that way.

Let’s talk shit about some people right now. Eddie fucking Vedder. That guy can’t sing for shit. No [laughs], he sings amazingly. [Laughs] I don’t want to talk shit. I was saying I did it when I was younger, out of naiveté and fear.

Now I’d like to mention another name—Mr. Ace Frehley. I believe you are an Ace fan. Yes, very much so.

And we have an Ace question for you from a fan in New York: Dan Lifshey, the world’s biggest Pearl Jam fan. Dan’s question is about a show at Madison Square Garden in '08. Ace Frehley came onstage and y’all played “Black Diamond.” What was that like? For me, if I were 14 years old again, I would have passed out. If I knew then that Ace Frehley would even know my name. I started playing music because of KISS. There was no other reason. I was a Cub Scout. I played soccer. One day, I heard about KISS from a friend down the block and started listening to music. I told my dad, “I don’t want to be a Cub Scout anymore, I want to do this.” Nice question, Dan!

You said you used to have a KISS room. Let’s be honest. You still have a KISS room. There may be some KISS stuff around, you’re right. I have some KISS pins, that’s the last thing I got. I got them for Christmas, or should I say KISSmas? [Laughs]

For the Mad Season reissue, you all have Mark Lanegan singing three new songs. How did you decide on those three? We didn’t choose the songs, he chose them. I’ve been wanting Mark to sing on that stuff for 16 or 17 years. It just never worked out because everyone was always so busy. About a year ago, I was looking through the Pearl Jam vault and I found a dusty old two-inch tape of Mad Season Live at the Crocodile. Seeing that made me think about the second album that we never ﬁnished. It ﬁnally turned into something when Barrett asked Mark if he was interested in singing on any of the stuff.

Speaking of new music, how’s the new Pearl Jam stuff coming along? I think we’re about halfway finished with the next album. We have about seven tracks where the basics are finished, and we’re writing more songs right now. I think we’ll have it finished this year.

And this is unofﬁcial, but Pearl Jam will be changing their name to the Mike McCready Invasion. After the Vinnie Vincent Invasion? [Laughs] Well, I’m glad it’s unofﬁcial. We’ll have our lawyers contact Vinnie’s lawyers to contact our lawyers…

Mike McCready

MY PHILOSOPHY

HIPHOP’S CULTURE OF DENIAL

We here in hiphop (it’s a place and a culture and a monolithic mind-set, right you guys?) rightfully embrace contradiction as part of life. 2pac is often our go-to patron saint here, a sensitive soul who loved all people but could also be a nihilist scorchedearth warmonger. I think of this because I keep listening to Young Thug’s “2 Cups Stuffed”—a great, crazy-ass song about the newest 1017 Brick Squad member’s insatiable thirst for codeine cough syrup—while just days ago the wire was all abuzz that Lil Wayne was hospitalized, doin’ bad, and likely because of that lean. (Young Thug: “L-E-A-N-I-N-G! Lean, lean, lean, lean—leanleanlean!”) I’m glad that it looks like Wayne is okay, very much so, because he’s a person with a family that loves him, plus an artist whose work I’ve enjoyed greatly in the past.

I just hope that Wayne, who’s become the poster boy for sipping lean, doesn’t go out like the man who pioneered the sound of drank, DJ Screw—or like Pimp C of “Sippin’ on Some Syrup,” or like the “Barre Baby” Big Moe. Wayne’s handlers are hopefully as invested in keeping him healthy as they were in denying reports that he was in bad shape at all. Hopefully, Wayne himself is as invested in keeping himself alive as he will be in trying to pretend it wasn’t a big deal to maintain that bigger-than-life status, like his boy Rick Ross did after his own seizure. Hiphop has a culture of denial—the result of it being birthed by a people long victimized by the law and mainstream society. Self-denial doesn’t help anybody, though—not us, and not all the fucking kids who are watching us. We all know that we grew up emulating shit we saw and heard, so why play our future out? Fuck the dumb shit, I appreciated the sentiment of Macklemore’s “Otherside”— because it was a real thing my dude actually went through and because shouldn’t somebody be the fucking dissenting voice here? (I know he’s white, y’all, the boy can’t help it.) That said: Turn your eyes now to the passionate, hood-humanist blues traveler Raz Simone—without a doubt one of the best new voices in Seattle hiphop Simone spits about pain that isn’t neatly resolved in three verses—the eyes of the trapped young criminal, the prayers of the decimated family, the souls of black folk. Lies, love, and pimping run all through his rhymes, but Simone doesn’t just accept it, he analyzes how shit got so fucked up in the ﬁrst place—or at least he asks. On wax, he himself is a contradiction, too, but he not only acknowledges it, he sounds like he’s working on it. Last year, he got my full attention with one song, “They’ll Speak.” Last week brought us his debut EP, titled after his government name: Solomon Samuel Simone, with production from Nima Skeemz, SuperFire’s Elan Wright, and Antwon Vinson. You can get it online. Like a lot of people, Raz included I’m sure, my heart wants to help heal the fuckin’ world, break down communication barriers, and spread love—but I still enjoy the destructive highs of no-fucks-given-nor-shittaken abyss-gazing rap. I’m still listening to that goddamn Young Thug song.

HIPHOP YA DON'T STOP BY LARRY MIZELL JR.

Lil Wayne

UP&COMING

Lose your whole ska history thing every night this week!

For the full music calendar, see page 39 or visit thestranger.com/music For ticket on-sale announcements, follow twitter.com/seashows

Wednesday 3/27

Mano Le Tough, Slowpøke (Q) See Data Breaker, page 43.

Ducktails, Mark McGuire, Monopoly Child Star Searchers (Barboza) Ducktails is Matt Mondanile of New Jersey band Real Estate’s solo-plus (increasingly more collaborative and full-band-like) project that spans everything from dallying bedroom instrumentals to cosmic yacht rock and sandal gaze. It’s breezy and thoughtful, like Crystal Light and brandy. On tour with Ducktails is multi-instrumentalist Mark McGuire, formerly of dronescape-makers Emeralds. I put on a Monopoly Child Star Searchers track over the weekend while I was in bed with the ﬂu, and I think I really enjoyed it. I remember it sounding like a melting VCR broadcasting a mating call to an antique, malfunctioning video game; ’tis the soundtrack to ﬂu toughing or glue huffing. EMILY NOKES

The Specials (Showbox Sodo) I don’t want to get into the whole ska history thing, the dreary business of determining this and that wave, and pointing out which band in which country belongs to which wave (for example, the Specials—an English band—are in the second wave, which runs between the late-’70s to mid-’80s). Nor do I want to explain why I think the Specials are the best ska band that England ever produced (and please don’t get me started about the iconic face of their lead singer, Terry Hall). No, no—none of that. All I want to say are just two words and leave the rest to you: “Ghost Town.” CHARLES MUDEDE

Thursday 3/28

Christopher Owens, Melted Toys (Vera) See Underage, page 44.

Dirtyphonics, Crizzly, Nerd Rage, MCFunk Brothers (Showbox Sodo) See Data Breaker, page 43.

Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scheherazade (Benaroya) Even if you can’t hum it off the top of your head, you will probably recognize Scheherazade, the late-19th-century orchestral suite by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov based on The Arabian Nights. The other two pieces on the program are tantalizingly unfamiliar: the impressionistic The Enchanted Lake by another Russian composer, Anatoly Liadov (who had a reputation as a slacker; RimskyKorsakov expelled him from composition class because he cut too often), and Styx, a vividly theatrical piece for viola, mixed choir, and orchestra written in 1999 by the living Georgian composer Giya Kancheli. Featuring the Symphony Chorale, Maxim Rysanov on viola, with Andrey Boreyko conducting. Also March 30. JEN GRAVES

The Bushwick Book Club: the Bible (Town Hall) The Bushwick Book Club takes booknerdery to the next great level. After reading a book, the members of the club compose songs based on its themes and then perform them live. Tonight, they take on the best-selling book of all time: the Bible, specifically the Old Testament, which means tonight should be a flood-fleeing, brother-slaying, Sodom-burning delight. Tonight’s performers include Lisa Koch, Beth Fleenor, Speku-

SCHMADER

The Shrine, Dirty Fences, Occult SS, Ubu Roi (Comet) In the interest of due diligence, I listened to three of the bands on this bill. Both the Shrine and Dirty Fences land as serviceable but green-horned punk-rawk outﬁts—not at all a bad place to start. Ubu Roi, however, are four dudes who have got the thing ﬁgured right out. They recorded whatever I listened to on one microphone, and the sound just gnashes at you like a PCP addict in the back of the squad car you’re driving. I hear a slight hint of PDX’s the Hunches (RIP) in their sound, and there’s really not a higher compliment I could give. GRANT BRISSEY

Jon Russell, Damien Jurado, Tomo Nakayama (Neumos) I overuse the word “magical.” I’d like to apologize for that right now, because I’m sure my constant use of the word means you’re less likely to take me seriously when I really mean it. For instance, with this show—with poignant songwriting from Jon Russell, Damien Jurado, and Tomo Nakayama—it will be SO FUCKING MAGICAL. And

when I say that, even in all caps, you could think, “Seling, you say that about burritos and puppies, too, which are great but not at all magical.” And you’d be right! So let’s wipe the slate clean. I will promise to stop misusing the word “magical” if you promise to take me seriously when I tell you that this trio of musicians—stripped down and vulnerable, without their bands—is going to be magical. I really mean that. MEGAN SELING

Friday 3/29

Verse Chapter Verse: Fly Moon Royalty, Sherman Alexie (Neumos) See Stranger Suggests, page 19.

Vox Mod, DJ Riz, Olav, OCNotes (Vermillion) See Stranger Suggests, page 19.

Phoenix, Mac DeMarco (Paramount) See Underage, page 44.

The Heels, Typical Girls, Space Trash (Cafe Racer) I chose to write this blurb based on band names—specifically Typical Girls, since that’s the name of a top-notch Slits song. When I was not able to find anything about Typical Girls online (other than Facebook says it’s “Tiffany, Frankie, Melanie, and Chris’ new thang”), I moved on to Space Trash, which made me think of “Space Junk” by Devo, among other things. (Doritos Extreme bags and tampon wrappers lazily floating out into the final frontier, choking poor space seals, blocking star views, etc.) ALAS, nothing on Space Junk, either. Then we have the Heels, who are ready to be googled, and play hot ’n’ heavy rock or “RAWK,” if you will (I will, for them)—boozy fishnet tunes perfect for roller-derby practice. EMILY NOKES

Ecstatic Cosmic Union, Jon Collin, Demian Johnston, John Krausbauer (Cairo) Led by Adam Svenson (Karnak Temples, Dull Knife), Eiderdown Records is becoming a major force in the local experimental-music scene. This Eiderdown-curated show features headliners Ecstatic Cosmic Union, the husband-wife duo of Portable Shrines

lation, Tai Shan, Seattle Jazz Composers Ensemble, and Captain Smartypants. DAVID

operatives Aubrey Nehring and Rena Bussinger, who create blissful, trance-inducing rock for gentle souls. British guitarist Jon Collin consoles the lonely by wringing plangent, angular, and glinting tones from his electric guitar. It’s an intimate yet spectral sound that should appeal to Loren Mazzacane Connors fans. On a totally different tip, Seattle’s Demian Johnston forges sonic nihilism and anomie for hardto-impress grown-ass folks. On recordings under his own name and as BLSPHM, he issues reﬁned noise torrents, cataclysmic industrial meltdowns, and postapocalyptic ambience that overwhelm your adrenal glands, helping you to learn something valuable about human endurance. (This is the cassetterelease party for ECU and Collin.) DAVE SEGAL

Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band, Joe Walsh

(Tacoma Dome) Like Kraftwerk, Bob Seger refuses to acknowledge his best work. His 1969 debut LP, Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Man, is an all-time garage-psych classic and the Detroit troubadour’s pre-’69 singles contained some of the hardest, most indelible riffs ever. Seger also had a quintessential, Midwesternwhite-boy soul voice—gruff, feral, libidinous. Of course, he blanded out and wrote some of the most annoyingly ubiquitous songs to which you’ve ever broken speed records to get away from: “Old Time Rock and Roll,” “Katmandu,” “Like a Rock,” etc. Now 67 and comfortably wealthy, Seger can’t be expected not to play it safe, so don’t hold your breath waiting for searing psych cuts like “White Wall,” cutthroat garage burners like “Heavy Music,” or bizarre freak-outs like “Cat.” DAVE SEGAL

Saturday 3/30

Mudhoney, Unnatural Helpers (Neumos) See Stranger Suggests, page 19, and preview, page 32.

Jake Shears

(Q) See The Homosexual Agenda, page 41.

Flume, Natasha Kmeto, DJAO (Lo-Fi) See Data Breaker, page 43.

The English Beat, Kore Ionz (Triple Door) I Just Can’t Stop It, the English Beat’s phenomenal 1980 debut LP, is probably the Two-Tone movement’s crowning achievement. The songwriting is fantastically catchy, transcending its second-waveska trappings to excel simply as golden pop. Subsequent albums like Wh’appen? and Secret Beat Service have their moments, but they lack the front-to-back punchiness and sweet hookiness of I Just Can’t Stop It. Now based in LA, English Beat leader Dave Wakeling is the only remaining original member. This scenario usually makes for a depressing night out for die-hard fans, but the English Beat’s catalog emits so much pleasure—even when telling an odious political leader to quit with “Stand Down Margaret”—that even a makeshift lineup should result in a memorable stumble down memory lane. DAVE SEGAL

Magma Fest: The Need, Behead the Prophet No Lord Shall Live, Hysterics, Body Betrayal (Vera) Based on limited exposure, it would be easy to assume Behead the Prophet No Lord Shall Live were just another one of the many spastic DIY hardcore bands ﬂailing about in basements back in the mid ’90s. Sure, they shared some of the frantic energy and reckless abandon of their contemporaries in Angel Hair and Antioch Arrow. But Behead the Prophet weren’t merely some sassy project for a bunch of petulant sweater-punks. Even Nation of Ulysses didn’t have the gumption to incorporate Behead the Prophet’s ’70srock panache and queercore politics, let alone their retirement-age improvisational electric violin player. Remember when “emo” was used to describe bands challenging the hardcore scene’s masculine paradigms rather than maudlin, suburban nasal-singers? You couldn’t ask for a more inspiring reminder of that era than Behead the Prophet’s reunion tonight. BRIAN COOK See also interview, page 33.

Michael Nesmith

(Neptune) I’ve always loved the goobers; I liked Gus Gus, the plump dumb mouse in Cinderella, and H. M. Murdock was my favorite member of The ATeam. If there was ever a weirdo in the bunch, my heart was theirs, so of course when I would watch The Monkees reruns as a child, it was the squishy-

MON-THU 9PM-2AM FRI-SUN 7PM-2AM

faced Micky Dolenz who caught my eye. I never gave Michael Nesmith a second glance. But now that I’m older, I understand that Nesmith is more responsible for my Monkees adoration than 8-yearold me would’ve ever guessed—he wrote some of my very favorites: “Mary, Mary,” “Papa Gene’s Blues,” and “You Just May Be the One.” And did you know he was also the executive producer of Repo Man? I did not know that! MEGAN SELING

Mean Jeans, Big Eyes, Criminal Code, Big Crux, Pelvis Wrestlies (Comet) Big Eyes are my new favorite local band. The trio came to Seattle by way of the East Coast, and thank goodness we can call them ours, because they’re great! Big Eyes deliver fast and fun pop rock with a fantastic Fastbacks vibe. Singer Kate Eldridge’s vocals are upbeat and bratty—and lots of fun to sing along to. And speaking of the Fastbacks, Big Eyes’ “Back from the Moon” makes a cute second chapter to the Fastbacks’ “Gone to the Moon.” Seriously! Listen to them back-to-back—a song about blasting off, then a song about waiting for someone to come back. It’s so perfect that I might not believe it wasn’t done intentionally. MEGAN SELING

Sunday 3/31

Anthrax, Exodus, High on Fire, Municipal Waste, Holy Grail (Showbox Sodo) Metal fans have to be the most hairsplitting bunch when it comes to categorizing bands in subgenres, but even the staunchest analyzers would agree that this power-bill tour includes some of the pioneers of American thrash metal. New Yorkers Anthrax are headlining by performing their 1987 breakthrough album Among the Living in its entirety with original vocalist Joey Belladonna back on the microphone, which should guarantee plenty of moshes to get caught in. The Metal Alliance Tour openers include Bay Area–based Exodus, who are responsible for their own genre classic, Bonded by Blood; High on Fire, Matt Pike of Sleep’s faster, more aggressive but still-sludgy current band; and Municipal Waste, whose crossover sound and ripped-jeans style seem straight out of metal’s best decade. MIKE RAMOS

Deadkill, Mass Games, Trash Fire (Cha Cha) I stayed pretty quiet about that whole “Punk Rock Is Bullshit” article in the Seattle Weekly a few weeks ago. I hope, in retrospect, John Roderick also understands that such a statement would include having to tell new bands, like Trash Fire, that THEY ARE BULLSHIT. Trash Fire, since their debut at the Capitol Hill Block Party, have been compared to classics like the Misﬁts, the Ramones, Exploding Hearts, and sometimes even the Buzzcocks. But, hey, should we ask these three Seattle dudes, Jonah, Austin, and Curtis (formerly of Schoolyard Heroes, Noxious Fumes, and Grand Archives) to throw down their instruments? Tell ’em PUNK IS DEAD? Oh, and don’t miss Trash Fire when they open for Nomeansno, another “bullshit” punk band, on April 27 at the Crocodile. KELLY O

Monday 4/1

Jamie Lidell, Empress Of, Ludwig Persik (Neumos) Jamie Lidell’s metamorphosis from riveting electronic-music experimentalist to slightly left-of-center R&B crooner has not always been satisfying. Blessed with a chameleonic soul man’s voice and expert beat-boxing skills, Lidell peaked with 2005’s Multiply , a phenomenal convergence of his impulses for creating challenging and accessible tracks. Since then, though, he’s leaned a bit too hard on sentimental balladry and rote, slick dance numbers. The new Jamie Lidell album reveals ﬂashes of his mid-’00s brilliance, but more often sounds effortfully mediocre. Lidell’s more conventional moves likely have made his label and manager happy, but they’ve surely left many fans of his earlier, riskier works disgruntled. Here’s hoping Lidell brings some of the next-level funk and vocal origami that left a speaker smoking at 2006 Bumbershoot to Neumos tonight. DAVE SEGAL

Tuesday 4/2

More like Snoozeday.

3.28 Thursday (Reggae) MIGHTY HIGH Sol Seed, Worlds Finest $5adv, 8pm, 21+

3.29 Friday (Bluegrass/Country) WEATHERSIDE WHISKEY BAND

The Giraffe Dodgers, Renegade Stringband, The Creak

$7 adv / $10 dos, 8pm, 21+

3.30 Saturday (Reggae) MICHAEL ROSE & SISTER CAROL ZJ Redman, Blessed Coast Sound, Adrian Xavier

$20 adv / $25 door, 8pm doors, 21+

4.2 Tuesday (Jam) LIVE, LOCAL, JAM.

feat Gold Bar, Olde Growth, High Noon

$5 adv., 8pm, 21+

4.3 Wednesday (Folk Rock) THE MATINEE

The Foghorns, Judd Wasserman Band

$5 adv / $8 dos, 8pm doors, 21+

4.4 Thursday (Electronic/Jam) PAPADOSIO

Acorn Project $10 adv / $12 dos, 8pm, 21

WORLD-CLASS ARMPITS

Uppercuts, 8 pm, $5

NECTAR The 350s, Normabeach, guests, 8 pm, $5

a NEPTUNE THEATER The Joy Formidable, Guards, Fort Lean, 8 pm, $18.50/$20

NEW ORLEANS Legacy Band, Clarence Acox

OHANA Live Island Music

PINK DOOR Casey MacGill & the Blue 4 Trio, 8 pm THE ROYAL ROOM The Music of Herbie Hancock & Herbie Nichols: Guests, 8 pm

a SHOWBOX SODO The Specials, 7 pm, $28.50/$30

CHOP SUEY Windowspeak, Sons of Warren Oates, Prom Queen, $10 COMET Gypsyhawk, Mothership, CFA, guests, 9 pm, $8 COPPER GATE That Thing: Andy Roo Forest, 8 pm, $3 a CROCODILE Matt Costa, guests, 8 pm, $15

a GALLERY 1412 Vapor Trails, Drekavac, Leatherdaddy, 8:30 pm

HIGH DIVE Redwood Son, guests, 8 pm, $6

HIGHLINE Today is the Day, Black Tusk, KEN Mode, Fight Amp, 8 pm, $13

HIGHWAY 99 Little Ray & the

a STUDIO SEVEN Famous, Stre Loc & Five One, Suave Loochi, Feezy, Prince Rich, Ricky Scarfo, Young Tone, 7:30 pm, $8/$10

SUNSET TAVERN The Hunting Club, We Say Bang, Keaton Collective, $6

TRIPLE DOOR

Musicquarium: Fawcett Symons & Fogg, 8:30 pm, free

TULA’S Greta Matassa Jazz Workshop, 7:30 pm, $10

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE The Wally Shoup Quartet

DJ BALTIC ROOM Reverb: DJ Rome, Rozzville, Zooty B, Antartic

CAPITOL CLUB Island Style: DJ Bookem, Last 10 pm, free a CENTURY BALLROOM

DJ Alison

CHA CHA LOUNGE DJ Hank Rock, Cutz Like a Knife, free CONTOUR Rotation Tryouts: Guests

THE EAGLE VJDJ Andy J

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Passage: Jayms Nylon, Joey Webb, guests

FOUNDATION Craze, Flave, Kid Hops, Alex Bosi, $10 after 10:30 pm

HAVANA SoulShift: Peter Evans, Devlin Jenkins, Richard Everhard, $1

LAST SUPPER CLUB Vibe Wednesday: Jame$Ervin, DT, Contagious

LAVA LOUNGE Mod Fuck Explosion: DJ Deutscher Meister

MOE BAR The Hump: DJ Darwin, DJ Swervewon, guests, 10:30 pm, free NEIGHBOURS Undergrad: Guest DJs, 18+, $5/$8

PONY Bloodlust: DJs Gin & Tonic

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Fade: DJ Chinkyeye, DJ Christyle, 10 pm

The sun is shining again, and my mind keeps wandering to Harmony Korine’s new teensploitation film, Spring Breakers. What if instead of Panama City, Florida, the film was set in Seattle? Would the girls have tattoos and wear black instead of neon? Would the rapper character look less like Riff Raff and/or Dangeruss and more like Macklemore? Instead of swimming pools and hot tubs, would they have threesomes in expensive bars filled with taxidermy and reclaimed wood? These are the questions that burn in my brain. KELLY O

THURS 3/28

LIVE 2 BIT SALOON PDP, Aghori, guests AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Ben Fleck, 6 pm

ARABICA LOUNGE OAG

Thang

BARBOZA The Flavr Blue, Jus Moni, WD4D , DJ Blueyedsoul, 9 pm, $7

BARÇA Clark Gibson Trio, free

a BLACK LODGE Week of Wonders, Vacation Club, Crys, guests, 8 pm

BLUE MOON TAVERN

Tangerine, Yeah Girl, Peeping Tomboys

CAFE RACER Zizzy Zi Zixxy

CAN CAN Smith’s Cloud, $5

CHOP SUEY Fiasco, Monkey Bat, Moonraper, $8

COLUMBIA CITY

THEATER Accordion Babes

Revue: Jason Webley, Renee de la Prade, Joan Wilson Rueter, Amber Lee Baker, 8 pm, $10/$12

COMET The Shrine, Dirty Fences, USS, Ubu Roi, $7

CONOR BYRNE Thomas Bryan Eaton, Hobson’s Choice, $7

COPPER GATE Fu Kun Wu

Trio, 8 pm, free

a CROCODILE Dark

Time Sunshine, Void Pedal and Moodie Black, Xperience, Graves33, 8 pm

DARRELL’S TAVERN The 350s, Jojo Jupiter, free DISTRICT LOUNGE Cassia DeMayo Quintet, 8 pm, free

a EL CORAZON Hemlock Lane, guests, 7:30 pm, $8/$10

a GUAYMAS CANTINA Oleaje Flamenco, 8 pm, free

HIGH DIVE Killer Canary, Miracles of Modern Science, the Hayfields, 8 pm, $6

HIGHWAY 99 Monster Road, 8 pm, $7

JAZZ ALLEY Holly Cole, 9:30 pm, $26.50

LITTLE RED HEN Jukehouse Hounds, $3

LUCID The Hang: Caffeine, 9:30 pm, free NECTAR Mighty High, Sol Seed, World’s Finest, 8 pm, $5

a NEPTUNE THEATER Christopher Owens, 8 pm, $20/$22

NEUMOS Jon Russell, Damien Jurado , Tomo Nakayama, 8 pm, $12

a NEW CITY THEATER Magma Fest: Marisa Anderson, Lori Goldston, Danny Paul Grody, Chuck Johnson, Eyvind Kang and Jessika Kenney, 8 pm

OWL N’ THISTLE Danny Godinez

PINK DOOR Bric-a-Brac, 8 pm

THE ROYAL ROOM Ama Trio, Kafana Republik, 8 pm

SCARLET TREE How Now Brown Cow , 9:30 pm, free

SEAMONSTER The Suffering Fuckheads

SHOWBOX AT THE

MARKET Dirtyphonics, Crizzly, Nerd Rage, McFunk Brothers, 16+, 8 pm, $16.50-$26.50

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Rose Renee, Katrina Charles, Chris Wilson & Planet Earth, Stacey Unck, 7 pm, $6

a SMOKIN’ PETE’S BBQ Dysfunction Junction, 6:30 pm, free

SNOQUALMIE CASINO Beatlemania Live, 7 pm

THE STEPPING STONE PUB

Open Mic: Guests a STUDIO SEVEN Lifeforms, Navigator, Enclosures, guests, 7 pm, $8/$10 SUNSET TAVERN Fictitious , the Bad Tennants, Continental

ROCKIN PIANO SHOW

KELLY O

COMING UP: 4/6 Irukandji Physics of Fusion + Project Lionheart • 4/7 ScaceGhostPurrp • 4/8 Little Green Cars • 4/9 Phosphorescent • 4/10 Tyler The Creator • 4/11 Ghostface Killah • 4/12 Art Vandelay • 4/13 Seattle Erotic Art Festival Launch Party • 4/14 IAMSU! + Problem • 4/15 Johnny Marr • 4/16 Savages • 4/17 Blu • 4/18 Lee Fields & The Expressions • 4/19 Los Amigos Invisibles • 4/20 Eldridge Gravy & The Court Supreme + Polyrhythmics • 4/21 Midnite • 4/24 YG • 4/25 The Thermals • 4/26 Flosstradamus • 4/27 Marble 14 Year ft. Darth & Vader • 4/28 Aesop Rock • 4/30 Killing Joke • 5/1 New Build • 5/3 Jimpster • 5/4 METZ • 5/7 Alice Russell • 5/9 Joe Budden • 5/10 Cody Beebe & The Crooks • 5/11 IAMX • 5/12 Kurt Vile & The Violators • 5/16 Daughter • 5/17 Beat Connection • 5/18 Man or Astro-Man? • 5/19 School of Rock Seattle Season Preview Show • 5/20 Black Moth Super Rainbow • 5/24-5/26 Rain Fest 2013 • 5/29 Bolt Thrower • 6/5 Junip • 6/12 Eleanor Friedberger + The Bats • 6/13 Parquet Courts • 6/14 Mount Kimbie

• 4/16 GladKill • 4/17 A Tribe Called Red • 4/18 The Fame Riot • 4/19 Angel Olsen • 4/20 Family Of The Year + The Mowgli’s • 4/23 Stanton Warriors • 4/24 Marnie Stern • 4/26 Chad Valley • 4/27 Palma Violets • 4/28 Shyan Selah & The Republic of Sound • 4/30 NastyNasty • 5/1 Cyhi The Prynce • 5/4 Stereo Total • 5/8 The UV Race • 5/10 Kisses • 5/11 Born Ruffians • | 5/16 PonyHomie • 5/18 The Beets • 5/20 Sir Sly • 5/25 Avi Buffalo • 6/5 A Hawk And A Hacksaw • 6/7 Lenka

Mama: DJ Sad Bastard, DJ Nitty Gritty HAZLEWOOD The Worst

SUPPER CLUB Open House: Guests

LOUNGE Rock DJs: Guests LO-FI Sorted!: Guest DJs, $3 MOE BAR Saucy: DJ Rad’em, DJ 100 Proof, free

NEIGHBOURS Jet Set Thursdays: Guest DJs

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND The Lowdown: DJ Lightray, $3 OHANA Chill: DJ MS SEE SOUND LOUNGE DAMN $ON: Tony Goods, Jameson Just TRINITY Cobra Crew, DJ Tre, Chinky Eye, Guy, MC McClarron, free

FRI

3/29

LIVE AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Ben Fleck, 6 pm a BLACK COFFEE CO-OP

Cooperate, an Open Mic: Guests, 7 pm, free a BLACK LODGE Fuzz, Night Beats , Unnatural

Helpers, Wimps

BLUE MOON TAVERN Halcyon Daze, guests

CAFE RACER The Heels , Typical Girls, Space Trash

a CAIRO Ecstatic Cosmic Union, Jon Collin, John Krausbauer, Demian Johnston, 8 pm

CHOP SUEY Tuck: Adé, Alesksa Manila, Jackie Hell, Mama Tits, Robbie Turner, $8 if you’re in drag/$10 without COLUMBIA CITY THEATER BOAT , See Me River, John Atkins, $8/$10

COMET The Pharmacy, Scream Queen, Jan, Detective Agency, $7

COPPER GATE Terri Tarantula, Jon Hyde, Levi Fuller , 8 pm, $5

a CROCODILE Donavon Frankenreiter, Rayland Baxter, 8 pm, $22

DARRELL’S TAVERN Sam Russell & the Harbor Rats, Nathan Wade & the Dark Pioneers , Enoch, $6

a EL CORAZON Schematic, Asker, guests, 8 pm, $10/$12

a EMPTY SEA STUDIOS AP Dugas, Gregory Paul, Annie Ford, 8 pm, $8/$10

HARD ROCK CAFE Elude and Jordan Biggs, Sean Michael’s Knight, the Heyfields, $5/$7

a HEARTLAND Bad Weather California, Mega Bog, Swamp Meat, guests, 8 pm

HEARTLAND CAFE & BENBOW ROOM 6 Minutes

‘Til Midnight, Paco Jones, Gagaho, Eric Harvey

HIGH DIVE Mealfrog , Feed the Friction, 9:30 pm, $8

HIGHWAY 99 Lee Oskar & Friends, 8 pm, $17

HILLARD’S BREWERY Brendan Shea, Alex Rasmussen, D.B. Rouse, Blake Langlinais, Rick Wood, 8 pm, free JAZZ ALLEY Holly Cole, 9:30 pm, $26.50

a JOSEPHINE Caligula Cartel, WAMu, Health

FRIDAY 3/29

MEETING MATTILDA

We are so busy this weekend! (Start chugging that Gatorade now, lady, or your liver is gonna petrify.) I think it’s a nice idea to ease our way into it early with something calmer and lower-octane than we’re generally accustomed to: How about a lovely book reading? How charming! How pointy-headed! How sexishly booky! A little literary prefunk to titillate our fagbrainz, starring a lovely new transplant from San Francisco who I’m just dying for you to meet: Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore, author of such winsome titles as Why Are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots? and Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity. Mattilda is a gender-fucking tower of pure pulsing purple fabulous, and tonight she will read from her newest work, The End of San Francisco, which they are calling “part memoir, part elegy.” Mattilda is a thrilling addition to our queer little pond. I can’t wait! (Neither can you!) Elliott Bay Book Company, 7 pm, free, all ages.

TUCK THAT “T”

Speaking of gender-fucking fabulousness: It’s time again for TUCK! Seattle’s Drag Queen Renaissance continues in ﬂagrante with the fourth installment of this new event, which encourages you to tuck your trouble (and your dick) and party, as a queen, with the queens! Ade, Jackie, Aleksa, Mama Tits, and Robbie Turner will not only perform for you, they’ll help

Problems, DJ Lustin Pegg

LITTLE RED HEN Knut Bell & the Blue Collars, $5

MOORE THEATER More Music, 7:30 pm

NECTAR Renegade Stringband, Weatherside Whiskey Band, the Creak, 8 pm, $6

NEUMOS Verse-ChapterVerse: Fly Moon Royalty, Sherman Alexie, 6 pm, $7; James Apollo, Daniel G Harmann & the Trouble Starts, Ghost of Kyle Bradford, 9 pm, $8 a PARAMOUNT THEATER Phoenix, 8 pm a PONCHO CONCERT HALL The Rez Abbasi Trio, 8 pm, $10/$20

RAVIOLI STATION

TRAINWRECK Dizzy, guests

RENDEZVOUS The Piniellas , the Cry, Happy Noose, 10 pm a THE ROYAL ROOM Piano Royale, 5:30 pm

SEAMONSTER Funky 2 Death, 10 pm, free SERAFINA John Sanders & Saul Cline

SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET Clutch, Orange Goblin, Lionize, Kyng, 6:30 pm, $25/$29 a SHOWBOX SODO Common Kings, Soulkuljah, Island Bound, 8 pm, $25/$30

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB The F-Holes, guests, 8 pm

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE Slim’s 5th Anniversary Weekend: Redneck Girlfriend, Shivering Denizens, Dead Man

SNOQUALMIE CASINO Beatlemania Live, 8 pm a TACOMA DOME Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band, Joe Walsh, 8 pm, $50-$115

TRACTOR TAVERN The Pimps of Joytime, Vokab Kompany, 9:30 pm, $13/$15 a TRIPLE DOOR Gimmie Shelter Benefit: The Dusty 45s, Star Anna , Shane Tutmarc, 8 pm, $20/$25; Musicquarium: How Now Brown Cow , 9 pm, free TULA’S Stephanie Porter Quartet, 7:30 pm, $15

VERMILLION Vox Mod,

DJ Riz, Olav, OCNotes, guests, $5

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Lushy

95 SLIDE DJ Fever One

BALLROOM DJ Tamm of KISS fm

BALMAR Body Movin’ Fridays: DJ Ben Meadow, free

BALTIC ROOM Bump

Fridays: Guest DJs

BARBOZA Just Got Paid:

100proof, $5 after 11:30 pm a CENTURY BALLROOM

DJ Cebrina

CONTOUR Afterhours, 2 am

CUFF C&W Dancing: DJ

Harmonix, DJ Stacey, 7 pm; TGIF: Guest DJs, 11 pm, $5

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Atish, Brian Lyons, Karl Kamakahi, Wesley Holmes, 10 pm, $5 before 11 pm/$10 after

FOUNDATION Felguk, guests

FUEL DJ Headache, guests

HAVANA Rotating DJs:

DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

LAST SUPPER CLUB

Madness: Guests

LAVA LOUNGE DJ David James

LIMELIGHT Free Hiphop

Fridays: DJ Zeta, City

Cyphers, 10 pm, free

NEIGHBOURS The Ultimate

Dance Party: DJ Richard Dalton, DJ Skiddle

NEIGHBOURS

UNDERGROUND Caliente

Celebra: DJ Polo, Efren

OHANA Back to the Day:

DJ Estylz

Q NIGHTCLUB Flash: Green

Velvet AKA Cajmere, Nordic Soul , Recess, $10

SCARLET TREE Oh So Fresh

Fridays: Deejay Tone, DJ

Buttnaked, guests

a STUDIO SEVEN Kiss My

Bass: Guests, 7 pm

TRINITY Tyler, DJ Phase, Jerry Wang, Mikey McClarron, Kippy, $10

THE WOODS Deep/Funky/ Disco/House: Guest DJs

transform you, if you’re willing. Are you ready? CAN YOU HANDLE THE “T”? Chop Suey, 9 pm, $10/$8 in drag, 21+.

SATURDAY 3/30

JAKE SHEARS’S SMOOTH, HOT BUTT

This is the big one. When I say the name “Jake Shears,” so much springs to mind. World-class armpits. An oft-tweeted ass that’s smoother than glass with bubbly cheeks off of which you could bounce quarters. Some obscure band called Scissor Sisters or something. Tonight our friends Trouble and Rapture drag Ms. Shears from his nether-land of big gay fame and fortune to spin for you, ﬂirt with you, and even share his underwear. It’s been called the “don’t-miss event of the month.” I’m inclined to agree. Pits ahoy!

Q Nightclub, 8 pm–4 am, free before 10 pm/$10 after, 18+ after 2 am.

WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST

BY ADRIAN RYAN

Jake Shears

(ALL AGES/BAR W/ID) LOUNGE SHOW HEMLOCK LANE STRAIGHT RED, THE MURAL PROJECT, REVEREND BEAR, VERDANT MILE

$8 ADV / $10 DOS Doors at 7:00pm, Show at 7:30pm FRIDAY MARCH 29TH

(ALL AGES/BAR W/ID) SCHEMATIC (DAVID ELKINS OF MAE)

ASKER, ENTWINE BY DESIGN, AWTERWORDS, HATTERS FOR HIRE

$10 ADV / $12 DOS Doors at 7:00pm, Show at 7:30pm

SATURDAY MARCH 30TH

(21 & OVER) ZEKE FANG, THE INSURGENCE, EMBRACE THE KILL, THE TRIPLE SIXES

$10 ADV / $12 DOS Doors at 8:00pm, Show at 9:00pm

$10

SAT 3/30

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON Mothers

Whiskey, Trip Like Animals, Devils Hunt Me Down

AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Ben Fleck, 6 pm

a ATLAS CLOTHING Spring Fashion Show: Week of Wonders, YourYoungBody, Soul Glo, 7:30 pm

BARBOZA Merchandise, Wet Hair, Naomi Punk, 7 pm, $8

BLUE MOON TAVERN Proud Wonderful Me, Casey Ruff & the Mayors of Ballard, Western Medicine

CAFE RACER Butter, Palace Fiction

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER Shake Your Brass II: Seattle Sounders FC Soundwave Band, LoveBomb Go-Go, $15/$20

COMET Mean Jeans, Big Eyes, Criminal Code, Big Crux, Pelvis Wrestlies, $8 CONOR BYRNE Joy Mills Band, Miss Lonely Hearts Band, Caitlin Sherman Band, $7

COPPER GATE Holly Figueroa, 8 pm, $5

CROCODILE Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers, guests, 8 pm

DARRELL’S TAVERN

C-Leb & the Kettle Black , Sightseer , Ancient Vessel, $6

EL CORAZON Zeke, Fang, the Insurgence , Embrace the Kill, the Triple Sixes, 9 pm, $10/$12

FUEL The Sweet Dominiques , Can’t Complain , Blue Star Creeper

HIGH DIVE Strange Jerome , Lost Dogma Jackrabbit, $8

HIGHLINE Dreamsalon, Sex Church, Lindseys, $7

HIGHWAY 99 Lloyd Jones & the Struggle, 8 pm, $15

JAZZ ALLEY Holly Cole, 9:30 pm, $26.50 a JOSEPHINE The Great Um, Julia Massey & the Five Finger Discount, the Jesus Rehab, Red Heart Alarm, 8 pm, $10

THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE Success!, the Loss,

Poke da Squid, Burn Burn Burn, $5

LITTLE RED HEN Knut Bell & the Blue Collars, $5

NECTAR Sister Carol, Michael Rose, Adrian Xavier , ZJ Redman, Blessed Coast Sound, $20

NEPTUNE THEATER

Michael Nesmith, 8 pm, $45

NEUMOS Mudhoney, Unnatural Helpers, Universe People, 8 pm, $15

OWL N’ THISTLE Norris & Nicely

QUEEN CITY GRILL Faith Beattie, Bayly, Totusek, Guity, free

RENDEZVOUS Yuni In Taxco , Orchids, Charms , Acapulco Lips, 10 pm, $6 a THE ROYAL ROOM Piano Royale, 6 pm

SEAMONSTER Barrett Martin Group

SERAFINA Tim Kennedy Trio a SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET Lotus, VibeSquaD, 8 pm, $19.50/$22 a SHOWBOX SODO KMFDM, Legion Within , 8 pm, $22.50/$25

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE Slim’s 5th Anniversary Weekend: Dusty 45’s, Miller & Sasser, Billy Dwayne & the Creepers

SNOQUALMIE CASINO

Beatlemania Live, 8 pm a STUDIO SEVEN Serianna, Onward to Olympas, My Heart to Fear, Mouth of the South, guests, 2 pm, $10/$12

SUNSET TAVERN Gibraltar, Two White Opals, Slowbird, $8

TIM’S TAVERN David Guilbalt Band, guests, $5

TRACTOR TAVERN The Brothers Comatose, California Honeydrops, 9:30 pm, $10

a TRIPLE DOOR The English Beat, 8 pm, $30/$35; Musicquarium: The Nightcaps, 9 pm, free TULA’S Marc Seales Group, 7:30 pm, $15

a VERA PROJECT Magma Fest: The Need, Behead the Prophet, Hysterics, guests, 7:30 pm, $11/$13

VICTORY LOUNGE Dying Off, Load Levelers, Bigfoot Accelerator, Henchmen, $7

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Adriana Giordano

Quartet, Ruby Bishop, 6 pm

BALLROOM DJ Warren

BALTIC ROOM Good Saturdays: Guest DJs

BARBOZA Inferno: The Flavr Blue, DJ Swervewon, DJ WD4D, 10:30 pm, free before 11:30 pm/$5 after CAPITOL CLUB Get Physical: DJ Edis, DJ Paycheck, 10 pm, free CHOP SUEY Talcum: Gene Balk, Mike “Garage? Fuck Yeah!” Nipper, Marc Muller, Mike Chrietzberg, 9 pm, $5

CONTOUR Europa Night, 9 pm THE EAGLE Two Dudes in Love, Nark, Recess FOUNDATION Simon Patterson, guests

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5 LAVA LOUNGE DJ Matt

NEIGHBOURS Powermix: DJ Randy Schlager

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Club

Vogue: DJ Chance, DJ Eternal

Darkness

OHANA Funk House: DJ Bean One Q NIGHTCLUB Jake Shears, Trouble, Almond Brown, 8 pm, $10 after 10 pm SEE SOUND LOUNGE Switch: Guest DJs

TRINITY ((SUB)): Guy, VSOP, Jason Lemaitre, guests, $15/free before 10 pm THE WOODS Hiphop/R&B/ Funk/Soul/Disco: Guest DJs

SUN

3/31

LIVE AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Ben Fleck, 6 pm

BARBOZA Poeina Suddarth, the Tap Handles, Sam Russell and the Harborrats, 8 pm, $6 a BLACK LODGE Comadre, No Sir, Lee Corey Oswald, Livingston Seagull

CAFE RACER The Racer Sessions

CHOP SUEY The Hoot Hoots , Ash Reiter, Abraham, the Torn ACLs , 7

BY DAVE SEGAL

WEDNESDAY 3/27

IRISH HOUSE-MUSIC SOFTY MANO LE TOUGH Berlin-based Irish producer/DJ Mano Le Tough (aka Niall Mannion) is a master of tuneful, bubbly house music: The name of his monthly party at Berlin’s Loftus Hall, Passion Beat, neatly encapsulates the vibe of his sets. His new album on Permanent Vacation Records, Changing Days, reveals a mind teeming with ideas on how to make a nearly 30-year-old genre sound fresh and vital. Warped melodies oscillate over oddly timbral percussion and rhythms that often deviate from house’s typical 125-bpm and 4/4 template. Shelter, the weekly Wednesday night party at Q curated by Cody Morrison, continues to ﬂy high. With Slowpøke Q Nightclub, 9 pm, $5 adv/$10 DOS/$5 students, 21+.

THURSDAY 3/28

FILTHY FRENCH DRUMSTEP MOFOS DIRTYPHONICS

French quartet Dirtyphonics are one of those groups that take their name literally. They’ve pretty much cornered the market on fusing drum ’n’ bass, dubstep, and heavy metal. That covers a lot of the youth market right there, which is why Dirtyphonics are headlining the cavernous Showbox Sodo. A signature track like “Walk in the Fire” combines d&b’s heavyweight-champ beats, dubstep’s

pm, $5/$8

COMET Fuzzy Cloaks, Helvetia, Brain Drain, So Pitted, $7

CONOR BYRNE Open Mic: Guests, 8 pm

COPPER GATE Singer-

Songwriter Showcase: Kubby C., 8 pm, free

a EL CORAZON Until This Sunrise, Tragedy Amongst the Stars, Dead Eyes in the Dark, Stories Away, Conta, From the Waters of Chaos, SIN, 7 pm, $8/$10

HIGH DIVE Bottom Dollars, the Nuclears, Deathrow Tull, guests, 8 pm, $6

JAI THAI BROADWAY Rock

Bottom Soundsystem, free

JAZZ ALLEY Holly Cole, 7:30 pm, $26.50

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

LITTLE RED HEN Davanos, $3, guests

a NEUMOS Jonn Hart, Eighty4 Fly, GKhan, Jay Key, DJ Kun Luv, 8 pm, $20

PIES & PINTS Sunday Night

Folk Review: Guests, free SEAMONSTER Tim Kennedy and Friends

SERAFINA Pasquale Santos, 11 am, Jerry Frank, 6:30 pm

a SHOWBOX SODO

Anthrax, Exodus, High On Fire, Municipal Waste, Holy Grail, 5 pm, $31.50/$35

a SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Christa Says Yay, Stereo Fidelics, Kevin Schlereth, Safeword Sasquatch, 3 pm, $5, Holly Figueroa, 8 pm, free

TRACTOR TAVERN Charlie Parr, Rory James & the Majestic, 8 pm, $10

a TRIPLE DOOR

Musicquarium: Mycle Wastman, 7:30 pm, $17.50/$22.50, Kareem

Kandi, 8 pm, free

TULA’S Special Forces, 8 pm, $8

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm; the Ron Weinstein Trio, 9:30 pm

BALTIC ROOM Mass: Guest DJs

CAPITOL CLUB Island Style: DJ Bookem, DJ Fentar

CONTOUR Broken Grooves: DJ Venus, Rob Cravens, guests, free THE EAGLE T-Bar/T-Dance:

bowel-rupturing bass frequencies, and metal’s shredding guitar animosity. They call it “drumstep,” which is better than “brostep.” The result is more bombastic than the most over-the-top Nuremberg Rallies—and rather ballistic, too. Bring your Kevlar vest, just in case. With Crizzly, Nerd Rage, and MCFunk Brothers Showbox Sodo, 8 pm, $16.50–$26.50, 16+.

SATURDAY 3/30

GET A FUTURE R&B FIX WITH FLUME, NATASHA KMETO, AND DJAO Sydney, Australia, producer Flume (aka Harley Streten) reportedly began making music at age 13 after ﬁnding a production program in a cereal box. Crunchy! Now the Down Under prodigy is creating that smoothly staccato future R&B that’s most of the rage with tech-savvy youth. If you dig Toro Y Moi, Hudson Mohawke, or TokiMonsta, you’ll probably bend your knees to Flume’s sly, heart-ﬂuttering cuts. Portland’s Natasha Kmeto is a prodigiously talented vocalist and producer of spacey and funky torch songs that rarely do the expected thing. If she’s not a star by the end of 2013, I will shake my damn head, very slowly. I’ve written a bunch about Seattle’s DJAO, because his gift for melodic, emotive, post-Dilla sampledelia ranks among the loftiest in the region—and because of the Chiltonwave thing (google it). Lo-Fi Performance Gallery, 9 pm, $15 adv, 21+.

SATURDAY MARCH 30 | 7:30 PM

MAGMA FEST

THE NEED, BEHEAD THE PROPHET, NO LORD SHALL LIVE, HYSTERICS

$11 ($10 W. CLUB CARD) ADVANCE

FRIDAY APRIL 5 | 7:30 PM

THE ELEMENTS OF MELODY: MUSIC OF EVERFREE

DONN DEVORE, TARB, MAESTRO SCHERZO, DJ EVERFREE

$12 ($11 W/ CLUB CARD) ADV.

WEDNESDAY APRIL 10 | 7:30 PM

AN EVENING WITH TORI KELLY

$11 ($10 W. CLUB CARD)

FRIDAY APRIL 12 | 7:30 PM

JAYMAY, KYE ALFRED HILLIG, KAYOKO

$11 ($10 W. CLUB CARD)

JOHNNY NAILS OF THE CHASERS

10PM $10

SATURDAY 3/30

GIBRALTAR

TWO WHITE OPALS SLOWBIRD 10PM $8

SUNDAY 3/31

KUNG FU GRINDHOUSE 7PM FREE

MONDAY 4/1

THE EASTERN SEA

AVIANS ALIGHT 9PM $6

SATURDAY APRIL 13 | 7:30 PM

SAM LACHOW, RAZ SIMONE, GIFT UH GAB, DAVE B

$16 ($15 W. CLUB CARD)

FRIDAY APRIL 19 | 7:30 PM

TIFFANY ALVORD, JASON CHEN

$13 ($12 W. CLUB CARD) VIP TICKETS ALSO AVAILABLE.

SATURDAY APRIL 20 | 7:30 PM

THE MEN, DUDE YORK

$11 ($10 W. CLUB CARD) ADVANCE

ALWAYS ALL AGES

Up Above, Fistfight, free ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Juju Fuzz: DJ Slow, Explorateur, Veins

a FULL TILT ICE CREAM

Vinyl Appreciation Night: Guest DJs, 7 pm

LAVA LOUNGE No Come Down: Jimi Crash

MOE BAR Chocolate Sundays: Sosa, MarsONE, Phosho, free

NEIGHBOURS Noche Latina: Guest DJs

PONY TeaDance: DJ El Toro, Freddy King of Pants, 4 pm

Q NIGHTCLUB Revival: Riz Rollins, Chris Tower, 3 pm, free

RE-BAR Flammable: DJ Wesley Holmes, 9 pm

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Salsa: DJ Nick THE STEPPING STONE PUB

Vinyl Night: You bring your records, they play them

MON

4/1

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON Metal

Monday: Hexxus, Binary Holocaust, Crawler, $5 AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Jerry Frank

BLUE MOON TAVERN Andy Coe Band, free

COMET Natural Child, the Apollos, Bad Tats, Abductee, 8 pm, $8

a CROCODILE Talib

Kweli, the Physics, Justis, 8 pm

a EASY STREET RECORDS (WEST SEATTLE) Mudhoney, 8 pm, free

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

MAC’S TRIANGLE PUB Jazz and Blues Night: Guests, free MOLLY MAGUIRES Open Mic: Hosted by Tom Rooney, free

NEUMOS Jamie Lidell, Empress Of, Ludwig Persik, 8 pm, $15

NEW ORLEANS The New Orleans Quintet, 6:30 pm

Michael Shrieve’s Spellbinder, $6

BALTIC ROOM Jam Jam: Zion’s Gate Sound, $5

BARBOZA Minted: DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free

CAPITOL CLUB The Jet Set: DJ Swervewon, 100 Proof

CHOP SUEY Tigerbeat, 10 pm, free

COMPANY BAR Rock and Roll Chess Night: DJ Plantkiller, 8 pm, free

CONOR BYRNE Get the Spins: Guest DJs, free

HAVANA Manic Mondays: DJ Jay Battle, free THE HIDEOUT Introcut, guests, free

LAVA LOUNGE Psych/Blues: Bobby Malvestuto LO-FI Jam Jam: Zion’s Gate, Sound Selecta, Element, Mista Chatman , $5

THE MIX Bring Your Own Vinyl Night: Guests, 6 pm MOE BAR Minted Mondays: DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND SIN: DJ Keanu, 18+, free OHANA DJ Hideki PONY Dirty Deeds: Guest DJs Q NIGHTCLUB Reflect, 8 pm, free

TUES 4/2

LIVE

AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Ben Fleck, 6 pm

BARBOZA Splash: Love and Light, JPod, the Pilot, HZ Donut, 8 pm, $10

a BLACK LODGE Devotion, Pile, Fat History Month, St. Elias

CAFE RACER Jacobs Posse

HIGH DIVE Dutch Hare, Chris Wilson & Planet Earth, Chad Cook, $6 JAZZ ALLEY Fatoumata Diawara, 7:30 pm, $21.50

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

THE MIX Jazz Night: Don Mock, Steve Kim, Jacques Willis, 8 pm

NECTAR Goldbar, Olde Growth , High Noon, 8 pm, $5 a NEUMOS San Cisco, Chaos Chaos, 8 pm, $12

NEW ORLEANS Holotradband, 7 pm

OUTWEST Wine and Jazz Night: Tutu Jazz Quartet, free

OWL N’ THISTLE Jazz Improv Night: Guests a THE ROYAL ROOM Swing into Spring Soiree: Honey.Moon.Tree, Adra Boo, Evan Flory-Barnes, the Adam Creighton Group, Jasper T, Andre Feriante,

BY JACKSON HATHORN

THURSDAY 3/28

CHRISTOPHER OWENS, MELTED TOYS

A three-hour whirlwind of cirque, comedy and cabaret served with a ﬁve-course feast.

SEAMONSTER Monday Night Open Mic: 10 pm

a SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET All That Remains, Hellyeah, Nonpoint, Sunflower Dead, 8 pm, $25/$28

TRIPLE DOOR

Musicquarium: Free Funk Union, free THE WHITE RABBIT

CONOR BYRNE Ol’ Time Social: The Tallboys , 9 pm COPPER GATE The Suffering Fuckheads , 8 pm, free a EL CORAZON Black Hare, Regional Faction , guests, 7:30 pm, $8/$10

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN Monktail Creative Music Concern, DJ Shonuph, free a HEARTLAND Party Animal, Monogamy Party, Cold Lake, Neighbors, DJ El Mizell, 8 pm

Neumos has been kicking ass in the poster department lately, as regular POTW readers may have noticed. Here’s a ﬁne example by local designer Matt Harvey, whose work can be found at mharvey.net. AARON HUFFMAN

San Cisco w/Chaos Chaos Tues April 2, Neumos

With his first solo record, Lysandre, Christopher Owens has stepped away from the mythology that consumed him and his old band. As the face of the indie-darling group Girls, Owens was a character study: a child born into a cult, a protégé of an eccentric oil heir, and, almost lastly, an incredible songwriter. The songs in Girls’ catalog could be roughly split between cunning pop earworms and sometimes-sinister orchestral teenage symphonies. Lysandre is a radical shift. It’s often very delicate, with soft flutes and gently strummed classical guitar. A recurring instrumental motif, in the form of “Lysandre’s Theme,” casts a haunting spell over the record, which primarily documents Owens’s first nationwide tour, and the realization that playing for big indie crowds won’t help you shake off years of personal trauma. The only perplexing question is why, at other moments, the music sounds like the sax-heavy ’90s theme for America’s Funniest Home Videos Owens has remarked that Lysandre is an album he had to get out of his system. While it might startle some Girls fans, Lysandre certainly points to a potentially fruitful and varied career. Vera Project, 9 pm, $20 adv/$22 DOS.

FRIDAY 3/29

PHOENIX, MAC DEMARCO

At this stage in their career, actively disliking Phoenix will take you way more effort than it’s worth. Like, even though it’s been three years since Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix took over the world, is anyone skipping over tracks from the album when they come on his or her radio/Pandora/Spotify? Previews of the group’s upcoming album, Bankrupt! show that the band is continuing on the path of Wolfgang’s sleek and vaguely ’80s synth terrain, but with more emphasis on robust experimentation than taut pop songs. Also, let me spout one outlandish, contrarian musical opinion: Phoenix’s It’s Never Been Like That totally outshines Wolfgang. With the exception of some ﬁve-minute-long, only-sort-of-good songs that keep the album from being perfect, It’s Never Been Like That is way more interesting than anything the Strokes—or every other lauded neo-garage band—have ever put out. Paramount Theater, 8 pm, $35.

FILM

Film Review Revue

dir. Pablo Larraín Guild 45th

After making two very disturbing ﬁlms, Tony Manero and Post Mortem, about the dark times that fell on Chile after Augusto Pinochet assumed power with the CIA’s assistance in 1973, Chilean director Pablo Larraín makes a ﬁlm about the dictator’s downfall that’s practically a comedy, that the whole family can watch, that will make you feel all good inside. How did he do this? With a simple and satisfying setup: After years of war, murder, bloodshed, and disappearing people, the dictator is forced by the international community to allow his countrypeople to vote on whether or not he should stay in power. The year is 1988, and Pinochet doesn’t doubt for a minute he is going to lose; the opposition, however, sees this as a great opportunity to bring to an end almost 15 years of madness. The opposition produced a 15-minute TV spot every night to make its case against the dictator. Now here is where things get interesting:

The opposition turns to an advertising exec (played by the global cinema star Gael García Bernal) to come up with an eye-catching campaign for the spot. Here’s where things get funny: The ad exec doesn’t think the campaign should be heavy or bleak or angry but should be as cheerful as the ads he makes for soda pop and microwave ovens. In short, the ad campaign should be positive and the opposition should say “No” to the dictator with a smile on its face, with people dancing to bad 1980s pop, and with women working out at the gym in Jane Fonda–like outﬁts. This revolution will be advertised. CHARLES MUDEDE

The Silence dir. Baran bo Odar Varsity

Ared car turns off the main road and down a dirt path in the German countryside, following an 11-year-old girl on a bicycle into a wheat ﬁeld in the middle of the day. The bike stops, then the car stops, then the driver gets out of the car and rapes and murders the girl. The crime remains unsolved

until a near-identical event occurs in the exact same spot on precisely the same day, 23 years later, and the case becomes a subject of renewed focus and pain for policemen, parents, murderers, and accomplices. A diorama miniature of the original crime scene, one of the most vivid visuals of the film, is retrieved from police storage: The murderer’s car beside the fallen bicycle, meticulously crafted icons of a killing, are once again under the scrutiny of detectives. Later on, while examining the room of one of the victims, a police investigator picks up a Rubik’s Cube. A puzzle composed of distinct, brightly colored pieces that slide past each other and lock into place: bicycle, car, wheat field, man, girl. There’s something very clean and crisp about the visual language of this film, and it operates in glowing primary colors, not what one expects from a crime drama about pedophilic murderers, but a defining quality of the film. In this feature debut, director Baran bo Odar withholds very little information about the crimes from the audience, and consequently the tension that builds has more to do with this distinct atmosphere than with the revelation of individual plot details. It extrapolates the puzzle outward from the crime and into the world as a whole, along a matrix of intersecting lines: cars fitting into garages, houses fitting perfectly next to each other, concentric circles on an umbrella. Everything starts to feel, eerily, like a component of the same architecture, equally complicit in the crime. Performances from the actors, in contrast, have an appropriate air of detachment that allows them to sink into their environment. You might forget the killer’s face, but you won’t forget that red car.

RAY

ex–Nirvana drummer/Foo Fighters frontman’s directorial debut. Sound City is two-thirds history, one-third vanity project. It starts as an adoring portrait of a shabbylooking, analog-based Van Nuys studio that, against the odds, outshone nearly all of the fancily equipped rooms in the better parts of the LA area. Due to its magical Neve recording console and its role as springboard for Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks’s (and later Fleetwood Mac’s) superstardom, Sound City became legendary—especially for its amazing drum sound.

Described by musicians and producers who worked there as a dump in which most of the gear was secondhand, Sound City nevertheless was where platinum albums by Neil Young, Tom Petty, Rick Springﬁeld,

Sound City, the

Cheap Trick, Pat Benatar, Rage Against the Machine, Nine Inch Nails, and Nirvana were made. (Oh, Charles Manson also recorded there.) In loving detail and with testimonials from a huge roll call of musicians, producers, and Sound City employees, Grohl tracks the studio’s ’70s heyday and its ’80s decline. Pro Tools’ industry dominance rendered Sound City temporarily irrelevant; even its head engineer, Keith Olsen, left and opened a sparkling new digital studio—right next door to Sound City. Burn! But when Nirvana cut Nevermind at SC with Butch Vig, it revitalized the company, and it remains an analog-loving musicians’ paradise.

Late in the documentary, the ﬁlm shifts into “Dave Grohl musical fantasy camp” mode, as he buys Sound City’s Neve board and places it in his own studio. Grohl then invites several SC alumni to record new material with the Foo Fighters. Interspersed are paeans from Grohl and his buddies about the intangible “feel” that comes from humans laying down music together to two-inch tape—not exactly revelatory stuff. We see Grohl, Nicks, Paul McCartney, Carl Perkins, et al.—creating middling songs in real time, revealing a glimpse into how multimillionaires generate music. Listen closely and you can hear Jack White in the distance, giving Sound City two thumbs up.

DAVE SEGAL

FILM SHORTS

More reviews and movie times: thestranger.com/ﬁlm

LIMITED RUN

BEYOND THE HILLS

See Art House, this page. Seven Gables, Fri 4:45, 8 pm, Sat-Sun 1:30, 4:45, 8 pm, Mon-Tues 4:45, 8 pm.

EPIC DE NIRO

Robert De Niro, now a household name thanks to Silver Linings Playbook, has in fact been in movies for several years. SIFF looks back at some of his high points in this weeklong retrospective, which inclues The Godfather: Part II Taxi Driver, and Jackie Brown SIFF Cinema Uptown, Fri-Tues. For complete schedule and showtimes, see siff.net.

THE JEFFREY DAHMER FILES

In 1991, a good-looking demon named Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested in Milwaukee and sentenced to 15 consecutive life terms—957 years—for murder, rape, necrophilia, and cannibalism. Some 20 years later, a Milwaukee-based filmmaker unearthed a handful of interesting people who knew Dahmer and decided to make a new film. But instead of making a biographical documentary, the director made a hybrid-fiction doc—with loads of terribly acted, horribly edited reenactment scenes that confuse some basic truths of the case. In the end, it all feels unnecessary—a case for letting sleeping dogs (or demons) lie. (KELLY O) Grand Illusion, Fri-Sat 11 pm, Mon 9 pm.

LITTLE FUGITIVE

Set in present-day Brooklyn, this movie concerns a single mother and her boys. Coney Island also has a role, functioning as the real city’s dream city. Brooklyn is, to quote the theme song for Flashdance, “a world made of steel, made of stone”; Coney Island is, to quote Sheila E, “made from the stuff of our wildest dreams.” The wisdom in this movie is as weak as a cup of tea made from a bag that has been used more than 14 times. (CHARLES MUDEDE) Northwest Film Forum, Fri 7, 9 pm, Sat-Sun 5, 7, 9 pm, Mon-Tues 7, 9 pm.

MIAMI CONNECTION

The plot—involving a tae kwon do troupe that moonlights as a bouncy pop band that’s challenged by a gang of jealous drug-dealing bikers—is insane. The dialogue, crafted with the ear of an ESL TV addict, is rudimentary in the extreme. Hilariously bad fight scene follows hilariously bad fight scene. There is much random toplessness and a handful of hyuk-worthy scenes of bloody violence. It is terrible. But out of this tragic mess of failure and incompetence, a distinctly sweet spirit emerges. Its source is the cumulative gameness and good sportsmanship of everyone involved in Miami Connection, which is drenched in a goofy joy that is contagious. (DAVID SCHMADER) SIFF Cinema Uptown, Fri-Sat 9:45 pm.

MIDNIGHT COWBOY

THE REVOLUTIONARY OPTIMISTS

A documentary about empowering children in the slums of Kolkata to become active participants in reshaping their environments. SIFF Film Center, Fri 7:30 pm, Sat 3:15, 5:30 pm, Sun 3:15, 5:30, 7:30 pm, Mon 7:30 pm.

THE SILENCE

See review, page 47. Varsity, Fri-Sun 1:30, 4:15, 7, 9:15 pm, Mon-Tues 4:15, 7, 9:15 pm.

SOUND CITY

See review, page 47. Grand Illusion, Fri 8:30 pm, SatSun 3:30, 8:30 pm, Tues 8:30 pm.

SUSHI: THE GLOBAL CATCH

If you’ve seen Jiro Dreams of Sushi, the beginning of the documentary Sushi: The Global Catch will seem very familiar. It’s got the musings about the craft of making sushi, the insight into the arduous apprenticeships, the footage of the Tokyo fish market, even the interstitial shots of busy city streets and glistening pieces of nigiri. This is followed

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

BEYOND THE HILLS

In the last essay of For Marx, titled “The ‘Piccolo Teatro’: Bertolazzi and Brecht, Notes on a Materialist Theatre,” French structuralist philosopher Louis Althusser describes Bertolazzi’s El Nost Milan in this way: “Its three acts have the same structure, and almost the same content: the coexistence of a long, slowly-passing, empty time and a lightning-short, full time.” The structure of each act in El Nost Milan is much like the whole structure of Cristian Mungiu’s film Beyond the Hills, which is mostly set in a rural Romanian convent.

Midnight Cowboy is all about its late ‘60s New York setting—a lurid gay subculture that forced queerness into cheap hotels and all-night movie theaters, and in which all light was artificial and sickly. In 1969 America, just admitting the existence of such a subculture was enough to earn the film an X rating. And in allowing its protagonists, Jon Voight’s wide-eyed Joe Buck and Dustin Hoffman’s slimy Ratso Rizzo, a modicum of humanity despite their immersion in that subculture, Midnight Cowboy was revolutionary (and won the Best Picture Oscar). (SEAN NELSON) Central Cinema, Fri-Tues 9:30 pm.

The film progresses very slowly and has lots and lots of empty time—nuns praying, nuns eating rustic foods with the resident priest, nuns getting water from the well, nuns sleeping in the dark. At the center of the story are two young women. They were raised in an orphanage, they are very close, but they have very different temperaments. One, Alina (Cristina Flutur), is a rebel and mentally unstable; the other, Voichita (Cosmina Stratan), is thoughtful, caring, and sympathetic. The priest, however, hates Alina. He doesn’t like her rebellious energy or the sexual tension between him and her. He tries to force her out of the convent, but Alina returns and continues to make life miserable for him. There is also something sexual between Alina and Voichita, and this is really the root of the convent’s problems. (Are they friends or lovers? No one can tell.) Suddenly, in the last 10 minutes of the film, something bad happens, the cops arrive to investigate this bad thing, and the whole film comes together nicely and ends quickly. In its burst of “full time,” Beyond the Hills completely rewards you for its slow time. Seven Gables, March 29–April 4.

by far too much footage about sushi’s rising popularity: Even people in Poland eat it! Even CHINESE people! And TEXANS!!! Then, at last, the music turns doomy and the subject matter turns to supply and ecosystem and sustainability. In case you’ve been living under a rock, people are eating too much sushi, especially bluefin tuna, and China’s only making matters worse. It’s all true, and it’s vitally important—and notably lacking in Jiro—but the scattershot approach that Sushi: The Global Catch takes to the issues does a disservice to the viewer and the ocean. The fish deserve better than this. (BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT) Grand Illusion, Fri 7 pm, Sat-Sun 5:30, 7 pm, Mon-Tues 7 pm.

NOW PLAYING

FROM UP ON POPPY HILL

The latest offering from Studio Ghibli concerns Umi, a teenager living at her grandmother’s boarding house for women, where she does the cooking and laundry and takes care of her younger siblings while her mother is studying abroad. From her house on the hill, she raises signal flags every morning as an homage to her dead sea captain father. Through a mysterious poem in the school newsletter, she meets a boy and gets involved in a fight to save a crazy old building. The animation is inventive and the plot is

nicely paced, but also a bit schmaltzy. If you like Japanese animation movies, Poppy Hill is worthy. But those looking for another Howl’s Moving Castle and its invigorating weirdness may want to skip this one. (GILLIAN ANDERSON)

THE WAITING ROOM

The Waiting Room is a matter-of-fact exhibit of 24 hours in the ER of a public hospital in Oakland, California. There’s no narration, no politics. Instead, you just see the ER backlogged with patients who should NEVER BE IN THE ER IN THE FIRST PLACE. If there’s any joy here, it’s the superheroes in scrubs, running the gates of hell like angels. (DOMINIC HOLDEN)

WEST OF MEMPHIS

The case of the West Memphis Three—wherein three teenage outcasts in Arkansas were convicted of child murders they had nothing to do with—has already inspired three amazing films: Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky’s Paradise Lost trilogy, one of the great documentary works of American cinema. Amy J. Berg’s West of Memphis elegantly summarizes these previous films before breaking new ground, following the men of the West Memphis Three through their grossly imperfect plea deals and reentry into a world they were taken out of as kids. It’s a beautiful, infuriating film. (DAVID SCHMADER) Tons more

TRYING TO DO IT.

KICKSTOPPER

Recently, a news story broke that almost eclipsed the announcement of a crappy new pope: TV producer Rob Thomas raised more than $2 million in less than a day on the website Kickstarter to fund his modernday Veronica Mars movie. (Okay, ﬁne… that’s more exciting news than getting a new pope.) HOWEVER! Even though I ADORE the Veronica Mars series—and at one time begged you to watch reruns of it on the SOAP network—I kind of think… and don’t stone me for this! I kind of thinnnnnnk… it’s a colossal waste of everyone’s time and money? OWW!! OWWW!! OWWWW!!! I SAID DON’T STONE ME!! Okay, at least hear me out! First of all, I’ll admit I’m not a huge fan of Kickstarter—and not because the site doesn’t occasionally produce something useful and cool, but because it’s not curated enough. For example, let’s say some responsible scientists were trying to raise money on Kickstarter for a vaccine that would cure— not just prevent—HPV. Hey! I think that’s a pretty good idea, and I might even pony up for it. (Actually, I probably wouldn’t. I’m sort of a stingy, terrible person.) Now let’s say someone was trying to raise $1.5 million on Kickstarter to build a replica of Noah’s Ark (built to biblical proportion) that he wanted to turn into a zoo—because animals love being kept in small, windowless compartments in the hull of a wooden ship. Hey! I don’t think that’s a very good idea—and yet? SOMEONE’S ACTUALLY

Are you beginning to see my problem with Kickstarter? There should be a competing website called “Kickstopper” that steals money away from terrible Kickstarter ideas and gives it to good Kickstarter ideas. (Hmmm… I should start a Kickstarter for that.)

And while a Veronica Mars Kickstarter is not a completely terrible idea—it’ll make a few people happy and give Kristen Bell a nice paycheck—how many reboots of much beloved shows are actually worth what you paid for them? For every kind-of-okay ﬁlm version of 21 Jump Street and Mission: Impossible, there’s a mountain of absolute CRAPPERS that include, but are in no way limited to, The Dukes of Hazzard, Starsky & Hutch, Bewitched, The Beverly Hillbillies, Dark Shadows, Charlie’s Angels, Miami Vice, Maverick, The X-Files—SHALL I GO ON?

The sad fact of the matter is that the primary reason I loved teen detective Veronica Mars was because she was a teen. Sure, Veronica acted tough—but while cracking crimes was relatively easy, the treacherous/treasonous waters of high school exposed her vulnerability to a heartbreaking degree. So how can an adult Veronica Mars be more interesting than a teenage Veronica Mars? Answering that question is hopefully where your Kickstarter donation is going. Sorry, Rob Thomas. While I will certainly pay to see Veronica Mars (the movie), I’m not paying for you to ﬁgure out how to make it not terrible. However! If anybody can invent an oven mitt for the inside of your mouth—so I don’t get burned by scalding hot Totino’s Pizza Rolls—I will help Kickstart the crap out of that.

Comment on I Love Television at THESTRANGER.COM

Proﬁle Stop

Driving the freeway late at night. Texas storm. Lightning striking every horizon. Thunder like a rude upstairs neighbor stomping the ﬂoor. And rain heavy enough to bring down every pharaoh, king, and tyrant.

Afraid for my life, I pull over and park beneath an overpass. Alongside a cop car that does the same.

Though I have never committed any crime, I am still nervous in the presence of a cop. Brown-skinned and travel-disheveled, I fear I look like every man on the Most Wanted posters.

I wave at the cop. He waves back. Ofﬁcer Friendly. But he keeps staring at me. The lightning illuminates him every 30 seconds. And the thunder becomes the soundtrack for a 21st-century ﬁlm noir.

Something bad is always seconds from happening.

And, to my surprise, the cop steps out of his car and walks toward me. I roll down my window.

“Hello, ofﬁcer,” I say. “Is something wrong?”

“No, not at all,” he says. “I just wanted to tell you—to tell somebody— how much I love lightning storms.”

“I love them, too,” I say. “But they kinda scare me. Love and fear. Like being married.”

He smiles, salutes, and walks back toward his car. A good cop is the best thing in the world; a bad cop is the worst.

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

BY ROB BREZSNY

For the Week of March 27

ARIES (March 21–April 19): I was too lazy to write your horoscope this week, so I went to a website that hawks bumper stickers and copied a few of their slogans to use as your “advice.” Here you go. (1) Never follow a rule off a cliff. (2) Have the courage to honor your peculiarities. (3) It’s never too late to have a rebellious adolescence. (4) Criticize by creating. (5) Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be elaborate and wonderful. (6) Complex problems have simple, easyto-understand, morally clear wrong answers. APRIL FOOL! I lied. I wasn’t lazy at all. I worked hard to ensure that all the suggestions I just provided are in strict accordance with the astrological gestalt.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): It’s a perfect time to watch the cult classic film Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh-Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead. It will provide you with just the right inspiration as you deal with your own problems. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Don’t you dare watch any horror movies. You’re in a phase when you can make dramatic progress in transforming long-standing dilemmas—but only if you surround yourself with positive, uplifting influences.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20): The coming week will be an excellent time to wash dishes, clean bathrooms, scrub floors, vacuum carpets, wash windows, do laundry, and clean the refrigerator. The more drudge work you do, the better you’ll feel. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you now have astrological license to minimize your participation in boring tasks like the ones I named. It’s high time for you to seek out the most interesting work and play possible.

CANCER (June 21–July 22): You know what would be a really cool prank to pull off this April Fools’ Day? Arrange to have rubber tires airlifted into a dormant volcano, then set them on fire. Smoke will pour out the top. Everyone who lives nearby will think the volcano is getting ready to explode. Don’t forget to videotape the event for YouTube. Later, when you reveal the hoax, your video will go viral and you’ll become a celebrity. APRIL FOOL! I don’t really think you should try this prank. It’s old hat. Back in 1974, a guy named Porky Bickar did it to Alaska’s Mount Edgecumbe. Here’s my real oracle for you: It is a good time to boost your visibility by doing something funny. Or to build your brand by being mischievous. Or

to demonstrate your power by showing off your sense of humor.

LEO (July 23–Aug 22): In the animated TV show The Simpsons, 10-year-old Bart is constantly getting into trouble because of the monkey business he loves to perpetrate. His teachers punish him by compelling him to write corrective declarations on the classroom blackboard. It so happens that some of those apologetic statements should be coming out of your mouth in the coming week, Leo. They include the following: “I will not strut around like I own the place. I will not claim that I am deliciously saucy. I will not instigate revolution. I will not trade pants with others. I will not carve gods. I will not xerox my butt. I will not scream for ice cream.” APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you SHOULD consider doing things like that. And don’t apologize!

VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22): The sport of ferret legging is an endurance contest. Participants vie to determine who can last longest as a live ferret runs loose inside their pants. The current record is five hours and 26 minutes, held by a retired British miner. But I predict that a Virgo will soon break that mark. Could it be you? APRIL FOOL! I misled you. I don’t really think you should put a ferret in your pants, not even to win a contest. It is possible, however, that there will soon be a pleasurable commotion happening in the area below your waist. And I suspect that you will handle it pretty well.

LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22): Risk being a crazed fool for love, Libra. Get as wild and extreme as you’ve ever been, if it helps you rustle up the closeness you’re hungry for. Get down on your knees and beg, or climb a tree with a megaphone and profess your passion. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a little. It’s true that now is an excellent time to be aggressive about going after the intimate connection you want. But I suggest you accomplish that by being ingenious and imaginative, rather than crazy and extreme.

SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21): British comedy team Monty Python once did a sketch in which a policeman apprehends a criminal. The bad guy says, “Yes, I did it, but society is to blame.” And the cop says, “Right! We’ll arrest them instead.” You should adopt this attitude, Scorpio. Blame everyone else but yourself for your problems and flaws. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, the truth is the opposite of what I said. It’s time to take more responsibility for your actions. Bravely accept the consequences of what you’ve done—with your sense of humor fully engaged and a lot of compassion for yourself.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Banzai skydiving is a step beyond ordinary skydiving. To do it, you hurl your folded-up parachute out of the airplane, wait a while, and then leap into midair yourself.

If all goes well, you free-fall in the direction of your parachute and catch up to it. Once you grab it, you strap it on and open the chute, ideally before you hit the earth. This is the kind of beyond-ballsy activity that would be perfect for you right now. APRIL FOOL! In truth, I don’t recommend banzai skydiving now or ever. Plain old skydiving is fine, though. The same principle applies in relation to any adventurousness you’re considering: Push yourself, yes, but not to an absurd degree.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19): Should you relocate to Kazakhstan and grow sunflowers? Is it time to think about getting a job in Uruguay and living there for the next 10 years? Can you see yourself building your dream home in Morocco, on a bluff overlooking the Atlantic Ocean? I suggest you spend some quality time thinking way, way outside the box about where you belong on this earth. APRIL FOOL! I went a bit overboard in my recommendations. It is true that you should brainstorm about the kind of home you want to create and enjoy in the future. But that probably means revising and refining your current situation, rather than leaving it all behind and starting over.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18): Your brain has a bigger capacity than you realize. According to professor of psychology Paul Reber, it can hold the equivalent of three million hours’ worth of television shows. As I’m sure you know, your brain is not even close to being full of that much data. And in accordance with the current astrological omens, I suggest you cram in as much new material as possible. APRIL FOOL! I told you a half-truth. While it’s correct that now is an excellent time to pour more stuff into your brain, you should be highly discerning about what you allow in there. Seek out the richest ideas, the most stimulating information, the best stories. Avoid trivial crap.

PISCES (Feb 19–March 20): July 2012 was a sad time in the history of mythic creatures. The National Ocean Service, a US government agency, made a formal proclamation that there are no such things as mermaids. But I predict those stuffy know-it-alls will soon get a big shock, when a Piscean scientist presents evidence that mermaids are indeed real. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating. I don’t really foresee the discovery of a flesh-andblood mermaid—by a Pisces or anyone else. I do, however, suspect that your tribe is now highly adept at extracting useful revelations and inspirations from dreams, visions, and fantasies—including at least one that involves a coven of Buddhist ninja clown mermaids.

Homework: What quality or behavior in you would most benefit from healthy self-mocking? Tell how you keep yourself honest. Write freewillastrology.com.

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WANTED WORK: SEMI-RETIRED carpenter - needs work. Repair or rebuild almost anything. Interior/exterior, painting, plaster, roofing, glass or tile. Have tools. $12/hr. Call Andrews Whales 206-784-7967 N. Seattle preferred.

PAID RESEARCH

ADULT PARTICIPANTS NEEDED for hearing research. Must be 18-30 years old. No history of hearing loss, no musicians, no more than two years of music lessons or experience. $15/ hour. Call (206)685-1689 or E-mail ihl@uw.edu

ARE YOU SUICIDAL, but resisting harming yourself? We want to hear from you! The UW is recruiting participants for a study on suicide. Call 206-543-2505.

RESTAURANT/HOTELS/CLUBS

COFFEE SNOB NEEDED (a.k.a. great barista). Part-time, early a.m. Minimum 3 years experience. Please be a clean, organized, courteous worker. Please forward your resume to b_oespresso@ yahoo.com

MARRAKESH MOROCCAN RESTAURANT in Belltown now hiring exp. Servers and kitchen helper. Evening/ weekends. For more info call (206)9560500, or apply at 2334 2nd Ave.

MCMENAMINS QUEEN ANNE is now hiring LINE COOKS and PUB STAFF! Qualified apps must have an open & flex sched including, days, eves, wknds and holidays. We are looking for applicants who have prev exp and enjoy working in a busy customer service-oriented enviro. Please apply online 24/7 at www.mcmenamins. com or pick up a paper app at any

McMenamins location. Mail to 430 N. Killingsworth, Portland OR, 97217 or fax: 503-221-8749. Call 503-952-0598 for info on other ways to apply. Please no phone calls or emails to individ locs! E.O.E.

RESTAURANT OPEN CALL!

Cinebarre is HIRING all positions, must be 21+ to apply in person. 6009 244th Street Mountlake Terrace, WA 98043

VOLUNTEERS

ATTENTION: UNIVERSITY-OFWASHINGTON-SCHOOL-OF-ART

STUDENTS Interested in assisting award-winning gallery? UW credit, graduate school recommendations for weekly four-hour shift, six-month commitment preferred. 206-349-2509. SKILLED TRADE/CRAFT

APARTMENTS

HOUSING

$1375-Studio-w/PrivateDeck/ W/D in unit. Avail 1st week April. WSG included.Granite Countertop.Concrete floors. Free Wifi in lobby. Parking availible for extra. Credit Check Required. 12 mo. lease. Dogs negotiable. Call 360 209-4084. Great Building.

HILL $1,250 Furnished Studio Condo available in First Hill. 1250/mo, includes Water, Electric, & Parking. 560 sqft, controlled access, W/D in unit. Located across the street from Seattle University. On busline; minutes to downtown, hospitals, International District. Call 206 719-4112.

GREENWOOD $825 Greenlake/Greenwood 1929 English Tudor Whole 2nd fl flat-type apt. 1BR w/LR or use as 2BR w/kit-family

WANTED WANTED SMALL LIVEABLE SPACE, Wanted Small Liveable Space, reasonable, can fix up for free. 27 years of house building, carpentry experience. Semi retired. Can fix almost anything. Have tools. 68yo on S.S. Call Andrews Whales 206-784-7967

ROOMMATES

$490/MO ANNUAL LEASE. Quiet female student/professional look for same in roommate. Cute Room+Utilities+Wifi in Des Moines. Near HCC and lightrail. 2532372330. Need

$550/1ST/LAST,

COUNSELING

ANGER MANA GEMENT

Is your life out of balance? Perhaps your anger is creating problems. Find Balance Between Body + Soul. Call (206) 427-9796 or Visit www.NutriPsychTherapy.com

PARTNERS OF DEPRESSION Support Group Partner struggling with the symptoms of depression? Affecting the relationship? Impacting your emotional/physical health? Join 6 weeks of self-care practice, education and support in a private space. Saturdays starting April 13th 206-550-3830 or 206-354-0641

MASSAGE

$45HR FOR MEN 1.5-$65/2hr-$85. 18yrs masseur. Focused attention for tightness, aches and problem areas. Or an excellent, general full-body massage to enjoy, unwind, relax. John Runyan (LMP#MA8718) 206.324.0682. 10am9pm. Cash/incalls only. Last Minute Encouraged.

DREAMSCAPE MASSAGE / Capitol Hill Enjoy your first massage at Dreamscape with $10.00 off!(New clients only,not valid with gift certificates.) We are located at 619 Broadway Ave. E on Capitol Hill. Please visit our Web site at DreamscapeMassage.com / 206-568-3771

$$$HELP WANTED$$$ EXTRA Income! Assembling CD cases from Home! No Experience Necessary! Call our Live Operators Now! 1-800-4057619 EXT 2450 http://www.easyworkgreatpay.com (AAN CAN)

AIRLINE CAREERS - Become an Aviation Maintenance Tech. FAA approved training. Financial aid if qualified - Housing available. Job placement assistance. CALL Aviation Institute of Maintenance 877-492-3059 (AAN CAN)

Des Moines. Walk to HCC, easy access to Seattle or eastside. $899/mo. incl.utilities, wifi. Available 3/1. Call/ text 253.237.2330.

ESTATE FOR SALE AMERICA’S BEST BUY! 20 acres-only $99/month! $0 down, no credit checks, MONEY BACK GUARANTEE. Owner financing. West Texas beautiful Mountain Views! Free color brochure. 1-800-755-8953 www.sunsetranches.com (AAN CAN)

INTEGRATIVE BODYWORK BY Integrative Bodywork By Sam Garcia JR., NLMP Tranformational Neuromuscular Therapy, Shamanic Bodywork & Practice, Trauma work,Deep Tissue, Cranial Sacral, Swedish, Hot Stone, Reflexology, Reiki, Chair Massage Events. Call 206.697.1357 for an appointment Check out my website www.seattlemassagenow.com

AUDIO/VIDEO

MUSIC INSTRUCTION & SERVICES

PIANIST AVAILABLE

I’m Richard Peterson, 64 year old composer, arranger, and pianist. I’m available to play parties, weddings, clubs, shows, etc. $200/gig. Covers and originals. Please call 206-325-5271, Thank You! CD available.

MUSICIANS AVAILABLE

DRUMMER WANTED PLEASE DRUMMER WANTED Please have transportation and drumkit. I have a space to play. Looking to jam 1 to 2 times a week.If you like to play heavy hard rock original music call me.(425)387-8291

ELECTRONIC MUSICIANS/PROGRAMMERS/SONGWRITERS CALL Murphy at 206 860 3534. I’m ready to make videos and get back on stage. If you live in Seattle and want a steady gig with me, give me a call.

HEAVY GUITAR PLAYER, early 30’s. The style of music is analogous to bands Botch, Deadguy, Rorschach. Into playing in odd-times and heavy dissonance! U-district, can travel. todieattwenty@gmail.com

VOCALIST AVAILABLE, LOOKING for pro rock cover band. Full PA, lights and rehearsal space. Influences Zeplin to Alice in Chains. Pros only. 253-845-3954

VOCALIST/SONGWRITER/SYNTH

PLAYER I’M A SEATTLE MUSICIAN/ VOCALIST: WRITE SONGS AND HAVE HAD PLENTY OF LIVE EXPERIENCE. POP/ALTERNATIVE/FUNK. LET ME KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU’RE DOING. CONTACT ME AT murphy.thomas8@gmail.com. THANKS!

MUSICIANS WANTED

***PUBLICIZE YOUR SHOW!*** $180 = 300 Posters, Printed & Posted 11 X 17 Full Color - Citywide Coverage Info@nwpolitesociety.com * 206-660-0678

ESTABLISHED ROCK BAND seeks rockstaaaa bass player! Please see www.vigilantejusticerocks.com

INDIE ROCK BAND SEEKS

KEYBOARDS - 4 piece looking for keyboard player to make 5 piece. We have a custom Fender Rhodes in need of someone ridiculously awesome (not in a technical sense) to play it.

SONGS AT WWW.SECRETARY-MUSIC.COM

MUSICIANS/PROGRAMMERS/ KEYBOARDS I AM a Seattle musician/vocalist/songwriter looking for songwriters/keyboard players interested in making electronic pop/alternative/ funk music. Guitarists welcome too. I live on Capitol Hill. Contact Murphy at murphy.thomas8@gmail.com. Thanks!

SCRUMPTIOUS AND THE Backbeat, soul rock band from Seattle, now auditioning piano and/or keyboard players. Music theory and/or songwriting skills a plus. We perform about 1-2 times/month. For band info, music, and contact info check www.andthebackbeat.com

SEEKING A MALE or a female vocalist for a local (West Seattle) blues/ rock band. We are an older group and would prefer an older singer 40 to 60 years old.

VERSATILITY / PROFESSIONALISM / desire to make cash. Cover ZZ top, Rush, Metallica, Michael Jackson etc. other dance/rock/funk/and metal tunes. Prepare for your audition. Don’t just listen to songs, but practice and know them. Don’t waste our time. 208874-3472

RECORDING/REHEARSAL

BAND REHEARSAL SPACE 1 Shared Room @$210/month Incl. 36hrs/month & Private closet and Private Rooms @ $500/mo. Call 425445-9165 or Visit wildersoundstudios. com Located in SODO Seattle

Read bucketloads more (or place your own) online at www.thestranger.com/personals

TOUGO COFFEE 3/24/2013

11:00 AM

You-red striped shirt reading by the window. Me-boxing sweatshirt and grey stocking cap. would have said hello but I had just come from the gym. You are super cute. Coffee sometime? When: Sunday, March 24, 2013. Where: Tougo Coffee. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919511

1:45AM 3/24/13 GREENLAKE SAFEWAY

We strolled in moving swiftly at the same time...You looked over curiously and I said, “I guess we’re both here for the same thing”...thinking alcohol. I felt dumb when you said “water”...Wish I could’ve told you how stunning you were. When: Sunday, March 24, 2013. Where: 7300 Roosevelt Way NE, Seattle, WA 98115. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919506

GENTLEMAN RESCUING DOG IN FOUNTAIN

You, in a blue button down and slacks, offered to help get my dog out of the CalAnderson Fountain. I declined and thought it was sweet of you to offer. Hoping to say thanks if we cross paths again. When: Saturday, March 23, 2013. Where: Cal Anderson Park. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919504

PERTH @ THE COMET, 3/22/13

You are an engaging young lady from Perth on your way down the coast. As we spoke forgot even to ask your name. I won’t make that mistake again, it felt terrible! If you see this, say hello. Cheers! When: Friday, March 22, 2013. Where: The Comet. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919503

KOREAN BUSINESS GIRL AT SHORTY’S

You taught me to say, ‘I love you’, then your friends whisked you away, to my dismay. I was smitten. Find me! When: Friday, March 22, 2013. Where: Shorty’s. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919502

BAD BOYS NEED LOVE TOO

You: Amazing charming lasagna fan wearing a grey/black baseball tee. don’t think you realize your sexiness. We ended up sharing a bratwurst outside von trapps. I don’t know how you feel, but thats love to me. Share another meal? When: Sunday, March 17, 2013. Where: von trapps. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919500

VICTROLA COFFEE

5:00. i wore a read sweater and sat in the back by a dim light. had my mac and a permaculture book. you wore plaid. glasses. looked my direction. saw your eyes. felt drawn. who are you? When: Thursday, March 21, 2013. Where: Seattle, Victrola Coffee. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919499

MADE YOU TAKE THE STAIRS

808 Howell... You came to bid for a cleaning job. Bummed you didnt get the bid but I really want to take you out. Hit me up... When: Sunday, March 17, 2013. Where: Downtown Seattle. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919498 THE AVE MAN IN SUIT walking ahead of me, business suit, me cowboy boots. When you looked behind you and saw your geougous blue eyes. You went to ATM,

When: Saturday, March 23, 2013. Where: Crocodile. You: Woman. Me: Man.

CUTE BOOTS

SAVAGE LOVE

Virgin Bro BY DAN SAVAGE

My brother is 22 years old and mentally ill with social anxiety on the scale of agoraphobia (officially diagnosed). He’s made significant progress in the past few years, but he’s stuck on the fact that he’s a virgin and is convinced that he’s not going to make any real social progress until that’s no longer a fact. His particular problem makes it impossible to reason with him—he’s a little Asperger’s-y— and he is convinced that he will only be able to pursue a job, have a social life, and tackle other obstacles after he loses his virginity. Financially, it would be easy for me to drive him to Nevada and eliminate the virginity issue. He’s asked our mom to do so. My family isn’t hung up on “purity” where sex and virginity are concerned, so we’re open to this. I don’t have any illusions that this will solve his problems, but my mom and I are hopeful that it would eliminate an excuse that’s keeping him from taking positive steps forward. Should I offer to take him? Or force him to sort it out on his own despite his crippling social issues?

Once you find your local Helen Hunt, SIS, prep your brother for the experience. “Give him a pep talk,” said Siouxsie. “Let him know about etiquette and protocol: no haggling, no prying for personal information, his personal hygiene needs to be impeccable, and he should know the basics on protection and STI transmission. Above all, he needs to treat her with respect.”

Listen to The WhoreCast at thewhorecast.com. Follow Siouxsie Q on Twitter @WhoreCast.

Socially Interactive Sister

“I want to commend SIS for considering the services of a sex worker in such a positive and nonjudgmental way,” said Siouxsie Q, a San Francisco–based sex worker and the creator and host of The WhoreCast , a weekly podcast that seeks to humanize people working in the sex industry. “And I want to reassure her that the right provider is out there for her brother.”

Some will object to your hiring a sex worker to help your brother out, of course, but you can tell those people to go fuck themselves—or you can tell them to rent The Sessions. In that acclaimed 2012 film, John Hawkes played a poet who is paralyzed from the neck down. Helen Hunt played a sexual surrogate—a clinical/glorified sex worker—that the poet, with the blessing of his priest, hires to take his virginity. No one had a problem with the sex-work aspect of The Sessions because Hawkes’s character is so profoundly and obviously disabled that audiences sympathized with his plight: It would be difficult, if not impossible, for him to get laid any other way.

While Hawkes’s disability in The Sessions was immediately apparent, SIS, your brother’s disability is no less real for being invisible. So I don’t see why anyone should object to your brother getting a little professional assistance with his plight.

So hire a sex worker for your brother, SIS, if you think it will help—even if it just eliminates an excuse that’s blocking his progress—and there’s no need to drive to Nevada. Siouxsie suggests you look for an “experienced” (read: somewhat older) escort with an online presence in your area. A sex worker who’s over 25 or 30 and maintains her own website—and has write-ups on escort review sites—is not just far less likely to be trafficked or exploited, she’s far more likely to be experienced and patient. She may have even worked with men like your brother before.

“A friend had a client who used her services to ‘practice’ dating,” Siouxsie said. “Over time, the client gained enough confidence to start dating. I hope SIS’s brother has a wonderful experience, and that boosts his confidence and helps him move forward in his life, too.”

So what do you do once you locate a prospective sex worker in you area?

“Send an e-mail explaining the situation and your brother’s special needs,” said Siouxsie. “There are sex workers out there who specialize in working with clients with disabilities, and many have experience working with clients who might be very similar to her brother,” and with a little searching, you should be able to find one. If the first woman you contact doesn’t work with men like your brother, she may be able to refer you to someone who does.

I’m a straight guy who recently got out of a long-term relationship. Best sex of my life: Physically, she rocked my world. Unfortunately, she rocked my world mentally, too. It was a toxic relationship for both of us, but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We ended things a few months ago. I finally feel ready to date again, and last week I met this drop-dead gorgeous girl. Intelligent, successful, positive—an unbelievable catch. She even pursued me! But there is just one thing, and it’s killing me: She is a skinny girl. In the past, I’ve always dated women with curves. This girl is gorgeous and athletic but she’s also skinny. Am I objectifying women’s bodies here? Am I fetishizing curvy girls too much? What is my dick thinking here?

My Dick, My Annoyance

The dick wants what it wants.

That said, MDMA, sometimes the dick wants more than the guy attached to it realizes. You may discover, once you start fucking around with this girl, that your dick must have curves and this girl is just too skinny for you. Or you may discover that you want her so bad—that you’re so attracted to her—that your dick can make the leap for her alone, i.e., she’s the lone exception to your curvy-girl rule. Or you may discover, as so many men have discovered before you, that your dick wants more than one narrow type. Sometimes it takes meeting someone wonderful who isn’t the ideal you’ve locked onto to realize that your dick was into more than one thing, but your brain—your bigger and more powerful sex organ—was shutting your dick down.

Here’s hoping your dick surprises you, MDMA.

I’m a 23-year-old bi female from Vancouver, BC, and I’ve been heavily sub-identified since I started having sex nine years ago. (Don’t worry—the age of consent was 14 then!) But lately, with the helpful guidance of my lovely boyfriend, I’ve been realizing I have a very pronounced Dom streak. Do you have any pointers on starting out? I read The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and it was helpful, but I was wondering if you had any tips. I’m pretty uncomfortable topping my boyfriend—he’s always been the top, and I’m nervous about doing it wrong.

Another Novice Top

Give yourself permission to do it “wrong,” ANT.

I don’t mean “wrong” in the accidentally-injureor-kill-the-boyfriend sense of doing BDSM wrong. I mean “wrong” in the go-your-ownway sense. You’ll be less nervous about topping if you relax and give yourself permission to be yourself, i.e., nervous and inexperienced, a little awkward in your new role. Remember: You don’t have to be the perfect snarling dominatrix the very first time you pick up a crop. You don’t have to be a snarling dominatrix ever, ANT, if that’s not who you want to be. Check out the wonderful Beyond the Valley of the FemDoms— beyondthevalleyofthefemdoms.tumblr.com—for some insight on being your own dominant woman, not some FemDom porn cliché. Good luck!

DID YOU KNOW THAT HAVING A HEALTHY VAGINA MAY PROTECT WOMEN FROM GETTING SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS, INCLUDING HIV?

A healthy vagina can help women stay free of infection from infections like chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV. Our research works to figure out what makes a healthy vagina healthy, and how it can stay that way. For our study, we’re looking for women who:

° Are 18 years and older

° Have had sex (vaginal intercourse) with a man in the past month

° Not currently pregnant

Your exams will include:

• No cost testing and treatment for STDs, Bacterial Vaginosis (BV), Yeast Infection.

• Health info and copies of lab results upon request.

• Participation includes up to 3 clinic visits in 40 days.

• Participants are compensated for their time.

• Free parking or bus tickets.

Call (206) 685-5092 for details and to see if you qualify.

Ahh! Time to get *Ahh-thorized* 24/7 Patient Verification

Doctor-Nurse Owned Holistic Center 425.449.9393 or 888.508.5428

AdvancedHolisticHealth.org

Be an Egg Donor

Are you a healthy woman in your 20’s who loves to help others, or know someone who is?

We would love to talk with you! Generous compensation. Call: 206-515-0042 or email: DonorEggBank@pnwfertility.com

Cannabis Bazaar

A Medical Cannabis Farmer’s Market 21+

Coming in April- located in South Seattle Patient Growers Wanted

Call today: 206-306-4079 or thecannabisbazaar@gmail.com

Consign your used Grow Gear ReGen 206-973-3231

DO YOU WANT TO STOP USING ALCOHOL?

The UW and the Seattle VA are looking for people ages 18 and over who use alcohol frequently, have problems with it, and want to stop using it. Non-veterans are welcome! Study is evaluating whether an investigational medication is effective at reducing alcohol craving and use. Study takes 16 weeks. Volunteers will be compensated. Call Ian at 206-277-4872.”

Donate Your Car, Truck or Motorcycle

Support Big Brothers Big Sisters of Puget Sound.

We offer free pickup of used vehicles in most cases running or not. Tax deductible. (206) 248-5982

Criminal Appeals and Defense

Edward P. Lombardo, Attorney at Law

Former Deputy Prosecuting Attorney Years of Proven Experience with Criminal Law Criminal Appeals-Felonies-Misdemeanors Juvenile Court

701 5th Avenue, Suite 4200 Columbia Tower Seattle, WA 98104 (206) 390-4140 • eplseattlelaw.com

• Are 18 years and older

• Have had sex (vaginal intercourse) with a man in thepast month

• Not currently pregnant

Your exams will include:

• No cost testing and treatment for STDs, Bacterial Vaginosis (BV), Yeast Infection. Health info and copies of lab results upon request.

Participation includes up to 3 clinic visits in 40 days. Participants are compensated for their time. Free parking or bus tickets. Call (206) 685-5092 for details and to see if you qualify.

Female Social Drinkers interested in dating men wanted for a study on alcohol and dating experiences. Single women of all ethnic backgrounds aged 21-30 can earn up to $54. Please call Project FRESH at (206) 543-5536 or see www.fresh.edu for more information & to determine eligibility. Part of a research project at the UW.

FREE CERVICAL CANCER SCREENING

Age: 21+. Volunteers will receive either self-collected at home HPV testing or regular Pap test screening. Up to $200 compensation for study completion. Call 206-543-3327 or e-mail homehpv@uw.edu.

HAPPY HAULER.com

Debris Removal

206-784-0313

Major credit cards accepted

High Fashion Personal Photoshoots Fun with friends or for yourself. Jim Hadley Photo Experience. 206-624-0960

INTERNET/SEX ADDICTION TREATMENT www.follmanagency.com

360-755-1125

Learn how to become a MONEY magnet!

To get your FREE CD, please call: (425) 243-4076

New! Increased Compensation for Egg Donors!

Get paid for giving infertile couples the chance to have a baby. Women 21-31 and in good health are encouraged to apply. $5,000 compensation.Email Amy.Smith@integramed.com or call (206)301-5000.

Only The Best - MMJ Delivery Prompt - Seattle & Eastside Deliveries (206) 641-6055 or www.otbdelivery.com

PIANIST AVAILABLE

Clubs, Weddings, Parties

***PUBLICIZE YOUR SHOW!***

$180 = 300 Posters, Printed & Posted 11 X 17 Full Color - Citywide Coverage Info@nwpolitesociety.com * 206-660-0678