The woman decided to win the game of the life after the thirty oficial

No茅 Am贸s Guieiro

Woman who decided to win the Game of Life after the age of Thirty The

Why did Isabelle decide to win the game of love, money, family and relationships?

No part of this publication may be reproduced or duplicated without the express permission of the author © registered in December 2013 by Noé Amós Guieiro All rights reserved Noé Amós Guieiro E-mail: noeamosguieiro@hotmail.com facebook.com/noeamosguieiro

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Index

Chapter 1 The first half of my life, 5 Chapter 2 When my life stopped, 16 Chapter 3 The inspiration for living the second half of my life, 21 Chapter 4 Because I wanted to fill the gaps left behind, 40 Chapter 5 Planning the second half of my life, 49 Chapter 6 Happiness for starting the new road, 59

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Chapter 1 The first half of my life

After traveling on a cruise with many parties, sometimes in calmer days, and other days in the rain with loud thunder, the boat of my life was finally able to anchor in a safe harbor.

The year was 2010. And the arrival of spring would inspire me to seek a new path for my life, which had had its ups and downs, a few moments of happiness, many frustrations, and some successful loves and accumulated countless sorrows, little success in the area of money and a history of numerous financial problems.

This year, I was unplaced because just lost my job, and I did not know how I would continue my life from then on. The only thing I knew was I wanted to do things differently. I Knew I wanted to live differently.

I had no savings of money, but only the check of my rescinded contract from my job as TV reporter in the city where I worked for six years.

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Many questions took care of me and troubled me, and I fought with all my strengths so that they be silent, longing inside my head that no other voice spoke unless the voice of my heart.

I remember having passed, often in front of buildings, at the stage of construction, and have seen numerous boards isolating the constructed area. I wondered why the property owner put so many boards isolating the building. Why were we there we passed by we could not see the structure that was being built? Why could we only see the result of the construction of the building at the end?

But that was how I felt. Exactly how those buildings for which I had gone throughout my life. I also wanted to isolate myself from people, so that was not also seen by anyone. I did not want contact. I wanted to build myself. I did not want to be disturbed by anyone, nor family, nor my fifteen year old son who lived with my mother, nor any boyfriend or friend, I wanted to have the control of my life in my hands.

I was tired of hearing words of criticism and disappointment by those who said that loved me, I gave up talking about my plans and about my most secret 6

desires for people of my affective circle. I did not want to confide nothing more I came to do - before I have it done. I wanted, only at the end, reveal to all, as a person who was closed to rebuild her life so that it could actually live happily. I wanted be ready, in the end, as a large building, to show up as someone who I was closed to build and get to grow up very near to heaven. I was tired of having moments of happiness followed by a lot of turbulent and suffered times.

I did not have clear a horizon to look, and with it, find my way. As I said, I did not know what I wanted from my life. But I knew I did not want to keep doing things the same way. I just did not know how to do things differently. But I didn’t carry even the "how". I was tired to seek ready solutions and recipes; I was bored of listening to neither advice, and to read here and there something I believed would solve my problems.

As a journalist even I got to interview many writers who talk about life, relationships, career, family and success and, despite doing the interview in a professional manner, I lived, as a viewer, hoping to receive a word of "solution" for my unhappiness.

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I was tired. I did not want to seek ways ready to give my life direction. I just wanted to live. I just wanted happiness. I was interested to have like for life, love her and recognize that life is worth living.

What was I living would be a midlife crisis?

I heard my friends who told me that after thirty years, the head of the woman changes, and we need to strengthen ourselves not to let the changes in the body affect the mind.

But neither hormonal supplements nor mild antidepressants and, sometimes heavy, kept my irritation, nor cherished my desire to enjoy life in a way that made sense. Yes, I wanted to really live.

Being a journalist , I was used to writing or cover news that talked about this new world, the world of technology, especially the virtual era, that had changed people's habits, for example, a way of relationship, working and doing things.

The world I knew was no longer the same and I did not recognize myself in this very new reality. But I knew I needed to find a way to meet it. It was the only possible reality. And, more than that, I knew that if 8

something was wrong, certainly was not in life but in my way of living my life.

When I was a girl, I ran and played on a dirt street.

I spent time with my friends talking about nothing important, running and having fun. We took plums at the tree neighbor's house, and we ran way quickly to avoid being caught. We climbed trees and seemed immortal.

Not when we fell were affected.

Almost every day after school, we would get together at my house or in the house of my cousins, or some friend, watching cartoons, eating popcorn or maize cake accompanied by a simple juice, but that seemed to be the best drink in the world. We got along fine laughter. It was so fun!

At that time we could not imagine a world full of computers and internet and cell phone so small. The virtual world today could be seen only in science fiction movies. I did not remember hearing any friends to imagine it. Maybe because at that moment the only thing that mattered to us was to live in our world and our world was our street. It all happened: the fights and friendship, the good and the bad influences learning, fun and work.

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Everything had changed, but the rush of my work, the various courses I took, my tumultuous relationships with my boyfriends, parties of the weekend, the family fights, the child without planning, which was born when I was nineteen... I had lived all this as a Formula 1 driver who I did not see the change.

So I woke up this new world. I insisted to continue living the same way, with the same habits, the same beliefs and the same weapons to fight, believing that I was right. But I could not find any sense to live my daily life. I felt that my health was going away. I had gone through two surgeries and I feared to be about to have heart problems.

When I looked in the mirror, I saw that my beauty was being corrupted by how I treated myself. I had not cared for me like I did when I was a teen girl. The vain girl who made-up, using all the things of her sisters and aunts, and took the makeup kit borrowed by stealth, now it was a woman with a dull and a sad look and a blank stare. What had I done with me all these years?

My courage was being eroded day by day and my passion for life just chilled increasingly.

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I was aimless and if I continued living the way I lived, I have the impression that would last the lifetime taken into shards and pains.

One thing I was right, even surrounded by a cloud of doubt: I knew I had to find another way. Most importantly, I knew why I had to change my way: I did not want to live the other half of my life so miserable, dragging me in life in order to live to live.

I did not want to wake up every morning and go to work without a little of desire, nor wanted to let me be used by everyone so always leave me. I did not want to continue fighting to change the world and people, including my family. Neither wanted more worry about changing any opinion they had about me.

I did not want to get make up for all this suffering with a few glasses of wine with a boyfriend, with rounds of beer with friends, with evening parties in dance clubs, or also with my casual relationships that no longer met me. For me it was enough to suffer.

I did not want to fill me with more work, playing the woman responsible for my friends and bosses. Also I did not want to go home with hands full of expensive 11

gifts to distribute to my son, my mother, my sisters and my nephews, to pretend to be a rich woman I dreamed of, but it was not, having then to go after bank loans and installments of the credit card, which only made me miss nights sleeps and let my life more bitter still.

And finally, I did not want to live a work routine no motivation, having my life revolving around a small salary always below everything I dreamed of being able to buy and enjoy.

It was time to find another way to give back my zest for life. I wanted to accomplish things that made me look at it and love it, and with it, loving me. I wanted to do many things that discouragement or lack of courage had taken my plans.

I wanted win the game of life.

It was hard for me to wake up every day and follow a schedule of obligations only to fulfill my destiny.

No. Definitely it was not what I wanted for myself. It no longer made sense to my heart that was tired of suffering and anxious to do something that restored my zest for life.

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I asked for myself where was that brave girl who climbed trees without fear of falling, which ran like a lioness, believing that would arrive first; that little girl that laughed for life by feeling wonderful with the jokes that could enjoy on the street and in the girlfriends house.

During many moments, I remembered the teenager out. I remembered dream princess waiting for a charming prince. I remembered the first flirting without obligation in school and on the street. How good it was to live the risk of dating secretly, putting my heart beyond the control of the rules of my family. How delicious was risking my heart because I knew that was worth living the love that I wanted to live.

Also reminded me of the beginning of adult life at university and dreams of a career that I thought would give me the greatest satisfaction and reward in the world.

It reminded me of my friends and my teachers. How many believed that I would go far and that would be a winner, even though there not those with whom I got on well and had about me a disapproving look.

Later, I asked for myself: “why I could not go further?� But when I recovered the reason, I finally saw 13

that, in my career, I believed very much in everything that I heard and I too discredited in myself. I had long had abandoned me.

I did not know what I did in the path I chose.

Perhaps the crazy, over-obligations and things in that I wanted to believe took away the pleasure of living as who has fun just like that girl who laughed for life to be able to play with your friends, free, on a street full of dirt.

I had many disappointments in this way...

I could just enjoy my son when he was born because I was chasing jobs, money and courses to improve my social status and, with it, give him what I considered to be a better life. I did not want him to spend the needs that I had passed. I blamed myself for letting him aside, but I could not let to do things like I was doing. The guilt for having been an absent mother just disappeared when other thoughts of guilt replaced.

But there was something good very strong within me. There was a woman in my heart that I never learned to know. And this force, this light, which motivated me to decide to turn the game of my life. Every day, as a 14

fuel, it was revealed, yet few times during the day, for the rest of the time I let the madness in the world dominate me. But this force was enough to strengthen me while rebuilding me, while isolated the walls of my life, to put safe columns with the goal of one day, as soon as possible, I could get up like never before, as a successful woman full of life and brightness, blessed with the riches of life. I knew that sooner or later got win the game of life.

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Chapter 2 When my life stopped

After all that I had passed in my thirty years old, I felt my rhythm was getting slower and decreased year after year. My forces were low and my desire to do things began to fade until my life stopped. I lived only to carry out the basics: go to job, back to home, pay bills, buy something that interested me and just. I was not going to a beauty clinic anymore, rarely went out, receiving almost no visits and no longer looking for friendships too.

There were many years without the desire to do absolutely nothing different. Neither drugs nor dreams, nor the word from a friend or a boyfriend... Nothing motivated me to keep doing the things I did because nothing satisfied me.

In that time, I abandoned almost everything. I did only the basics to keep my life and the life of my son. I just could strength to survive.

I did not feel encouraged to do many new things. I went out, sometimes, with some guy, but I knew I was not a good partner. I had a conversation down and, despite a few laughs, because many were educated with 16

me, my relationships ended up being more bureaucratic and there was not anything that really satisfied me.

Early in my adult life, I usually bothered me when a man did not call me after a night where we had spent time together, but, at that time, certainly I could not expect much for the company not very pleasant I must have been.

Many friends were terminated me and left me to invite me to a party or dance in a nightclub. I, that liked a lot of dancing, no longer bear to stay in the middle of so many people. I tried a few times but could not fill me with this kind of programming. I was disconnecting me from many of the friendships that I had built over a lifetime.

I even found people living in crisis, like me. But few of them were willing to leave behind a life without taste, as was my case, to start a new life and live in way to make a life worth living.

I did not want to feed off friendships with people who made me put more force on the problems of my head. I looked for contact with people who wanted to get overrun to live the second half of life in a pleasant way. But where can I find these people?

I knew they existed, since I was one of them. But I was living in a context in which they were not very 17

common. However, I wanted new friendships. I still friends with my girlfriends and friends. But I felt I wanted to spend my time with other kind of people, who were willing to live the life I wanted to live.

Live by living? Live to please others? Live to watch the others? It was definitely not the way I wanted to live.

Anyone convinced me to play the game of life with rules that I had adopted as my when I was just a girl, without having tested myself in the world or tested these rules. I wanted new rules for my life, but they would be created by me. I wanted a new way of living: my way.

I did not know how to live my life from now on.

But I knew I did not want live it the same way. In fact, I had no incentive to live that way.

Despite not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I knew I wanted everything to be done in a different way.

It was as if I had come to a roundabout with several options such as roads and I did not wish to continue in the direction of the road I was on. Even not knowing which of the routes I would took, I did not see any desire to move on the road had started.

I wanted a new route and just knowing that it was all a matter of choosing the one that made any sense to me, I was taken by a sense of freedom, and faith 18

returned boiling in my chest. Knowing the road that I would take it would take to places that would give me satisfaction to live was enough for me to get up with more desire to live.

Even without things clear in my mind, this confidence that the road that I would take me provide unforgettable moments gave me courage, even not to fear the falls or the risk of making mistakes.

How was good to feel inside me a pulse of life calling me to live. I just wanted to walk was guided by my heart.

After that my life had been stopped for a few years, there was a time when I could not stand the static situation in which I was. So I decided to revive me. I woke up one day and decided to start doing simple things, many of whom had always wanted to actualize, but left behind because of the rush and for leaving me. I did not tell anyone. Anything I would do would be known only after I had done. This pact I had made me ago.

So, the first thing I did was make my registration in a school of swimming and simultaneously on a course of aesthetic and other hairdressing. It was incredible!

That aroused something in me that I could not explain.

It was as if I was making the biggest investment of my life: investing in myself.

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This was one of the first steps I was giving, without to see, in this new journey that would become something more conscious only years later.

The taste for living my life began to reappear. The ghosts and doubts still hanging around my mind, but this inner feel of freedom and zest for life, even on a small stage, was the food that assured me the faith to wake up every morning with the confidence that it would be a matter of time, I would live my life like that naughty child, happy for the freedom to play on a street full of dirt.

Chapter 3 20

The inspiration for living the second half of my life One day, browsing the internet, I found a site of travel’s agency and I was amazed with beautiful photos of Italy. The streets, buildings and art, everything seemed fascinating.

As I had just quit my job, I decided to take a trip to that country. I wanted to breathe fresh air.

Italy is a wonderful country. I had heard about it as the place of art in the state of excellence. I heard that it breathes pure art and that art and the artist are everywhere. That I could see, in fact, when I was there.

Seeing the beauty of its major cities in movies or photographs is possible to have an idea of the country.

But walking by those places is indescribable.

This time I decided I would travel alone. I did not take me no boyfriend, no friends and no family, not even my son, who I would leave with my mother. I did not paralyze me with fear of criticism would hear from my family for that. No one could overlay my burning passion for giving a new direction to my life. I wanted to be alone with me to begin rebuilding me. I was tired and did not want to explain anything to anyone. I just had to follow 21

my heart broken by a way of life as decadent as I accepted have. How much pain I suffered by believe in silly things and to give others so much power over me.

Examples of this were my romantic relationships.

Whenever I start one, I entered to lose. I gave it my all and all my attention. I called and sent messages to declare my love and, in change, I received the indifference, in the end, the person that I fell in love.

I put the other in the first place and, of course, I lost each of the matches I played in the game of love. I think I put very little value in the relationship and I did not put any value in my heart or in myself.

I remember that night I was alone in the restaurant, waiting for a fiance who did not show up...

How long I knew he did not want me anymore, but I made believe to myself that it could be different. What would complain if I forgot my intuition woman and the reality: he was not for me or, maybe, I was not for him.

In my family, I wanted to be the best daughter, and received it with obligations and charges that saturated me with guilt and pain of the soul. How many fights I had with my mother because I wanted to transform her. And how many other confusions I had with her because I wanted she accepted me with my extravagances and forced the situation with strong words and criticism for that to happen. As a result, I got only 22

more annoyance and growing anger inside me. No. Definitely I did not want that more for me. Everything had already reached the limit. It’s enough.

I wanted to be a better friend at work and received more work and responsibilities and suffered the constant fear of failing to comply with tasks, and then I bellowed through the halls I was involved by fake people when, in fact, I now see that I let me be used.

I wanted to be the most perfect of all women and, each time I did this, I lost my femininity, my sensitivity, my discernment, making me a thing-woman or something like that. All my female beauty disappeared.

I cannot say I wanted to be the best mother, because I know that I was not a constant mother. And if I could go back in time, I am not sure if would make things so differently. I say this because today I am clear in my mind that I would not quit my life to have total dedication to my son, or anyone else. It would be a better mother. That it would. But a mother who sacrifices everything for the child, it does not. It’s never. I am not really sure if this would be so important to him, or if he believes me now more for the things that my mother, my aunts and my sisters put on his head than for what he really feels. No matter. I'm sure of one thing: the time that I passed with him, no matter if it was a few, I would try to enjoy more, as that is what I want going forward.

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Going forward everything would be done so that my life could be like. I did not want more things as I had done before. I wanted to live and put myself in the place of winning. I wanted to win the game of love, the game of financial success and prosperity, the game of family relationships and the game of relationships with people in general. And I knew that it depended on putting me up, in the place I knew, in true, I deserved. I needed put myself in a winning position player.

The departure to Italy

Finally, the day of travel came. I was stopped near the list of Airport boarding, self-absorbed in my thoughts. I remember running eyes watching people who, like me, would embark towards another country.

The atmosphere of expectation seemed to do well to all who were embarking.

My desire to win my dramas to make my life advancing and my purpose of get happiness made something up out of my stomach and reach the chest and heart. My eyes tested shed some tears and then I took my hand to them and, with a movement, I held my tears.

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My flight was scheduled for nine o'clock. When the plane took off from Sao Paulo, I felt I was not going to Italy, but traveling toward me and my heart.

It was a decisive trip to strengthen my convictions about the importance of my happiness and to start to rebuild a life so shattered by suffering and pain. I felt something was calling me in that country, and only later I will see it was my heart, it might be rejuvenated thanks to the beauty of so much art I saw in the streets and inside galleries.

When the plane was already in the air, I was seeing everything below me stay small until I deflected my look from the place I left, and I looked forward towards an unknown place that would give me unforgettable moments of contact with myself.

I came to Italy the next day. Then I walked toward the role that would take my luggage, went through the interview and then headed to the exit to await the arrival of the tourist guide who would lead me to my hotel.

Once there, took a shower, rested and now I had Italy in my heart.

My pilgrimage in the country would begin the next day, most often with a visit accompanied by tour guide, the bus, or a local guide. I would visit the major cities, such as Venice, Florence, Rome and Milan 25

I stayed for days away from family and friends, but really close to me and my heart. How good was the feeling of being with me!

The whole life I felt that I had to be around people to feel full. And at that moment, alone, across the world, I became me with a feeling that I never felt in life.

The feeling of being free. It was so good!

I always discussed freedom of the press freedom of expression, because journalism was profession. But for the first time, I felt the power of word in action. I was living with all my life just for free from the control of any other person. I felt power and value of freedom in our lives.

and my this me, the

Every step walking through several cities, I felt safe and owns me by being able to choose my pace and my breaks. It was lovely to walk my way.

Florence, a coincidence and an inspiration

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In one of those wanderings, I remember I walked along a street in Florence, when I saw written, in the window of a coffee shop, the beginning of the Divine Comedy, by the Italian poet Dante Alighieri:

Along the journey of our life half way I found myself again in a dark wood Wherein the straight road no longer lay

I had heard speak to this book, although I had not read. But never any mention had called my attention.

Now the book aroused my curiosity. It seemed that Dante had written it for me. Just for me. I had to cross the Atlantic to read something that would inspire me?

I thought normal to find coincidences in movies or stories in books, but the coincidence of a sentence that was exactly what I was living? That was something, at least, curious.

But no less interesting than the coincidence was to see that the midlife crisis was not my exclusivity. Until then, I thought a midlife crisis was thing only women, mainly because of our hormonal and bodily changes. But 27

that phrase showed me that it affected everyone, including men.

Yes, I felt lost in a “dark wood," as Dante said he felt. And like him, I also wanted to find my way, because that was not the path I thought good to me. He did not answer most of my wish. It could not guarantee me happiness. The path I roamed for many years had taken me away from me. And I wanted to start a new career, but now in a new way, that made me feel a zest for life.

This new path meant live guided by my heart, my hope, my soul, my wishes, my search, and my feelings, “my everything”. Now, I wanted to live differently. I wanted to live my way. I wanted to know my abilities and my weaknesses, and dedicate myself to strengthen me. I knew would fall and would fail, but that does not matter to me. I trusted that the hand of life would take me forever and if I fall, get up and take care of me. And I go back to try.

For me, the realization of my life goals and my desires was a greater reward than the smallness of the fear of failure.

Having been touched by that phrase of Dante, ordered a hot chocolate and sat alone at a table that was close to a water source as clean as it was what I wanted to feel free of the many silly thoughts that consumed my life.

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While I took the chocolate, I meditated on that phrase Italian poet. Yes, I was halfway through my life and found myself at an impasse. I did not want to follow longer the "dark wood" anymore. I wanted follow the road that brought life to my heart. I want a lighted path for the confidence and the desire of victory. I wanted keep walking with faith and courage to realize all my most sincere wishes.

I stayed there at cafe until evening that day, and repeated two more glasses of chocolate, letting my heart and my chest felt true belief to valorize my happiness, something I would take with me every day of my life and ever, in order to feel that my life would be lived in full.

Venice, the Grand Canal and my life in check

On another occasion, I remember when I was stopping, standing, in the center of the arc of the Grand Canal, in Venice. I was leaning against the concrete bridge and having it rested my arms, I looked at some boats full of people in the party and the gondolas that carried couples celebrating with champagne flutes, and I thought to myself: "What I'm doing with my life?" How much life in front of me, but I felt there was a lifelessness within me.

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That morning, even, I had prepared me to leave the hotel and, in front of the mirror, I had said to myself: "how I'm feeling ugly". It was how I saw myself in the mirror. I did not mean to be ugly in respect no to be beauty, because I always considered myself a pretty woman. But I felt ugly soul, lifelessness and ugly of suffering. I felt aged, despite my thirty-four years old.

I was possessed with myself and unburdened: "No. I want my life to me". And then asked to myself: "What am I doing to me? Why did let me fool with so many bullshit I heard?"

"Freedom! I want to be free of those shackles. I want to be a strong woman and owner of my nose. It’s enough". I said it all in a impetus.

Trevi Fountain and my pact with myself

There were many times that I gave me talking to myself. I remember a time when I was near the Trevi 30

Fountain, in Rome. People were there playing and making your solicitation. In my mind, my only wish was get to be free from all shackles of my life.

I threw my lucky coin in the fountain and I let out a request for just "enough", as I said in an audible tone, as if making a pact with myself to rectify the steps of my life in the direction of what my heart wanted to guide me.

Some tourists just looked at me and, although they did not understand the language I spoke, probably they knew were looking at someone who wished to break free of something that troubled her.

But the calm was restored, and I kept walking, seeing beautiful things in the country and, more serene, I saw how much had beautiful things inside me, that I did not show because let the ugly things suffocate me. But just knowing that these beautiful things were there, the hope was pounding and my heart fluttered as a crazy to live a life of satisfaction and enjoyment.

Each painting and each sculpture I saw on the streets remembered that beauty within me. All these things awoke the real woman I hid for so many years. It made me feel contact to myself and to something that, both sublime, made me cry, not a cry of sadness, but of revelation. Revelation of a fantastic woman that the only thing wanted was to live free, live for itself, free of 31

bullshit, lady of own life, wrapped in financial prosperity able to provide all goods and material rewards that it needs to live.

I saw on the street painters and artists that represented faces in which placed the expression of life.

I was enchanted with the life put in the eyes on the painted characters. All this touched me and made me believe that my new path had started. It gave me inspiration to continue walking in the path that my heart had chosen for myself.

I knew the start point of this path was my heart.

And It was also the point of arrival. It gave me peace of mind to know that I did not need to rush. Ran or went slowly, would arrive at the same place: would come inside me.

How good was walking in the middle of that people! For the first time I felt full despite being alone in a country so far away.

Not approached me to make friends. I did not want to get close to anyone. That journey I had established who would be alone with myself. I needed that. It was part of my plan to come back to love me and give me attention and affection: all I had left to do all these years.

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I did not leave out to admire the smile I saw in people. Sometimes, I exchanged with some tourist couple cameras to take pictures. But nothing more than a "thank you". I did not give up my pact to remake myself.

I wanted to test my ability to give to me what I looked for in people.

For the first time, I understood that there is no loneliness when we give to us everything we need. I felt full and complete, although alone and away from my emotional ties. It was strange and curious at the same time.

The beauty of Italy touched me the more I knew the country. And the Italian dishes... How were wonderful! It was divine.

Italy was an amazing experience in my life. Each art I saw touched me and brought me to my side. It revealed the beauty that was inside me. All things were inspiring to strengthen me to walk the second half of my life.

Pisa, spaghetti and memories of Sunday lunch

One day, I was sitting at the table in a restaurant in Pisa, Italian city famous for its leaning tower. It was 33

around two o'clock in the afternoon, and I was filled with the desire to enjoy delicious spaghetti. While the dish was not ready, I saw from the window the family restaurant at the people crossing the street, each in its own pace and personal direction.

After the spaghetti was brought to me at the table and I started eating it, my mind began to recall the lunches on Sundays, the only time that my family would gather to socialize. It was very common to have the presence of my uncles or cousins, who came to spend the day with us. I remember they were the few times I saw communion between us.

My parents and my uncles spoke of their week, their work and often their dreams. I think they were between the ages of forty and forty-five years old. They seemed full of confidence in life. Their world at that moment seemed full. I, my cousins and my sisters just wanted to know the games we would do after lunch. I took my box with dolls, my little pan and small furniture and set everything in the backyard. As soon as we were tired, we got a ball and we started playing volleyball, making the net up with clothesline. We made a play after another play and forgot about life.

My uncles stayed with my parents in the front yard talking. Sometimes, they watched a television program

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common taste. But most of the time, they were having a coffee and a chatting.

There was a fair a few minutes from my house and sometimes we went there to eat pastel and just to walk.

If we could, we would freeze life and would be playing forever.

Back to Venice, now taking a hot chocolate and trying to solve some grievances

I had another moment when my memory carried me back to past of my youth, now while I took a cup of hot chocolate sitting at coffee table, in St. Mark's Square, in Venice. Just as spaghetti, chocolate carried me to beautiful moments of my past. I remembered the afternoons with my friends, when we joined us to play around in the house of one of them. Their mothers were so nice. They always offered a piece of cake accompanied by juices. It was one of the most beautiful phases I lived. When I saw how they treated their daughters, I always asked myself what was wrong between me and my mother. Why do not we treat each other equally?

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Unlike the mother of my friends, who seemed so understanding with them, my mother always exerted an excessive charge on me. Nothing I had she considered it as something good. It was all the time get on my foot.

I remember that I had her look of disapproval, even when I thought was the most fantastic things in the world. My father was always the remedy. He was what always welcomed me when I was being rejected by my mother. It was very difficult for me his passing so early that life. I had not even completed high school. To live without he made me miss mainly because of his friendly word and understanding he gave to me and to my sisters.

I continued living with my mother and wanted longed to leave home and start a new life, but pregnancy a year after I finished high school froze my plans, so I had to embitter the continuation of her company and her criticism and constant interference in my life.

I kept dreaming of the possibility of one day having my separated home to recover me as a person.

That day came when my son was born. I went to live with his father, but the relationship did not work. I felt so trapped in his company as when I lived with my mother.

At that time, I always heard that people often look for new places to solve their problems, when, in fact, they do not see that they are the own problem. This is 36

easy to admit when we talk about other people. It’s difficult to admit to ourselves that idea. But I could not do things differently at the moment. I don’t know, I was trapped in many things.

However, at that time in Venice it was clear for me that, despite the ghosts still patrolling my head, I knew it was the one responsible for making my life forward. It was all a matter of searching to get any little thing that had displeased me, and the opposite way, making the desire to achieve my life goals become quite large.

Milan and my first time

Walking through Milan, I saw many women who literally paraded through the streets. Many of them were really beautiful. And those who had not received a genetic beauty so above the ordinary walked the streets as if they were on a catwalk as their exuberance and their inner strength.

I looked at them and after that I looked at me.

Where were my strength and my beauty?

They wore beautiful coats and beautiful necklaces.

It were costumes with that I always dreamed one day use 37

too. I also had the right to dress like them. Why did I delay so much to admit this truth? No. I'd find a way in my life. I would live to give me the things that I deserved.

Why did I put me last on my list of gifts? No. From now on, I would try to take care of myself and would give me to prove myself that I really care about me.

I was amazed at the fashion that was paraded in the streets and the lordliness of those women. I walked, entered and get out stores. It was beautiful to be among so many beautiful things.

But the special moment in Milan was when I entered in a perfumery. A man passed by me and the scent of his perfume reminded me of my first time. It had been such a good time and I remembered that this had also been an experience full of guilt as others I had already gone through.

I was still a young girl of sixteen. I remember that when I left the house of the boy with whom I had the case toward my house I looked like I had done the worst thing in the world. I felt like someone who commits the greatest crime worthy of punishment. It was as if, on my forehead, was stamped "sin" I had committed.

Nonsense!

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I had been happy as a woman. Why did I have to fear what others think of me?

On occasion, this guy left me far from home. I had requested it. I did not want to spend any impression of what I had done.

But why had it made, if that moment I had something so wonderful? I felt as if something more pleasurable on the world had been booked for me for a few seconds. It had been divine.

Remember that today was important for me because in the second half of my life, I would have more respect for my women’s desire.

Chapter 4 Because I wanted to fill the gaps left behind

39

I experienced a lot of good thing in life. Although I had not done everything I wanted - and much of the way I liked it - I feel that I have many things to celebrate about my past. I think the serenity today makes me see things that way.

I see with other eyes even the things that made me suffer. I crossed through everything and I got here, and this is already a great victory for me.

I lived many love experiences which I have fond memories, I visited wonderful places, I was respected by many people, I had friends that really got me good marks, I studied courses that taught me a lot and worked in professions in which I learned a lot. It was fun to go through all this.

But I know that I left behind many things for lack of courage and not dedicate my strength to get them. I let fear paralyze me and what I would like have done turned into dreams that I have been putting off for the day that the fears disappeared. And of course, I gave strength to fear and it kept putting off my dreams.

Later I realized that it would only disappear when I stopped feeding it food and I spend my time to feed my courage to win and to be happy.

Today I know that would make many of the things I was afraid to do, because I feel stronger to face the 40

consequences of my choices, whether good or bad.

Today I accept failure as a natural part of my searches, attempts and desire to win. I also accept the risk of being wrong, because what matters to me is my desire. My focus is my happiness. It's what I live and that's why accept any challenge.

Many ghosts still prowls my mind. They still try to make me lose focus of my longing to be happy. But I feel that my faith and my strength are growing every day and I am sure that by standing firm in my truest purposes, the ghosts of fear will lose strength day by day.

What I know is that somehow woke up to the desire to take care of me. Suddenly, I started practicing, every day, the constant habit of listening inside my head just respect my greatest desire, the desire to have all my life for me and my happiness. I know that if I want to accomplish the purpose of my life, I have to take care of me, strengthen me and move on.

I began to listen to the thoughts that put me up and make me feel strong and good about myself. I woke to live for me. To love me. To take care of me with all my affection. And to live my way.

The short and low-cut clothes I liked to wear and that I did not do because scared of criticism. No. I 41

would wear everything that I liked, as the one I did to walk in the Baroque district of Rome.

I carried on the friendship with the people who my friends disapproved of, liked them or not.

The work as a salesperson and as an entrepreneur, I always wanted and did not do it because of antientrepreneurial beliefs of my uncles, who did not put it on faith, because they only believed in work as a possibility to guarantee security to a person. No. I recovered my desire to take my business so I returned to Brazil. I liked my shop and my jewelry salon formed. I wanted to explore my abilities, even I had clear I could commit mistake. But I wanted to try everything. It would make more sales courses, accountancy and administration of finances and personnel. Not matter.

Sooner or later I would be an enterprising and would build my own business.

I would go after it was necessary to fulfill this new desire within me.

I know it would make new friends in these new places I attend, as seminars and courses for entrepreneurs. I Know I would meet many people that, like me, are seeking to live the second half of life in a better way, taking more care of themselves, loving more themselves, risking in love and financial life. I would 42

meet people inclining to change the mindset poor and limited by an open and prosperous mindset.

I know I would meet many in this new route that I started to run. I would not continue listening to people who say not to my dreams, and I would not be prisoner of friendships that lead me back. I would not live regret me to my friends. I'd go after new people, who were unsatisfied with their life, like me, and that, instead of to live complaining, were interested in experimenting news, in get a better life, with more financial, family and loving prosperity.

I think that I needed moving. I think it would be good for my head that was in crisis with so many ideas that I heard from people who thought the opposite to what I wanted and the opposite way too that my heart liked and I didn’t give ear.

I wanted new places and new people. I wanted new realizations. I wanted to renew myself. And I wanted a new love.

I still continue friend of my friends. But I would not let any of them stole my dreams with words of discouragement about what I told them. I certainly would make new friends, especially in the places and communities who I was to visit. I Know that I would find in these places people who, like me, would be 43

interested in living the second half of life a fully way, genuine, happy and satisfied.

I know that I would meet many people crossing my route or passing by me, by my way. I fell that I would meet a lot of people equally disposed to put the freedom and the heart above everything.

When I returned to Brazil, I would participate in associations or unions of people who want the same things as me. Probably I would find some Non Governmental Organization, friend’s club or something like that. I don’t know, maybe a group of people looking for to live the second half of life better in terms of health, financial prosperity, intimate and family life based on respect and freedom. I would go into a kind of NGO like "People in search of a better second half of life" or "Women who decided to turn the game of life after thirty ages." Perhaps these new friendships do better in my life now than other that worn out by time in cause so many fights or charges.

I still be friend of my friends. I know they were part of my life history. And I always would wish the best for them. But I did not let any of them get me the desire to live the second half of my life in a better way, pursuing to be happy.

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I know I would need to find people with the same current desire like me; in others words, people that wanted to live a life with their heart, based on respect, freedom and financial prosperity.

But while I did not find these groups or people I would not give up pursuing the life that I want to live. I would do this every day since I had waked up. I would observe my habits and my words and thoughts to see if they were in my favor or against me. When I was sleep, I feed myself purposes of financial prosperity and happiness, to rest at night with faith and hope in my life.

Love would be one of the themes that I also would live differently. I would not say "no" to a man just to satisfy the likes of any person, even if it was my family, friend or my son. And I would not say "yes" for pity or against my desire. I should have the final word.

I would have relationships of a more tranquil way, without to be getting in the shoes like I did with my ex to feel that I was loved or I would not be betrayed. And I would not accept to be controlled by any man.

I would play the game of love to win. I put myself on top. I would not live in pursue of crumbs of affection or attention. I would give that to myself every day. I would live always in pursue of a good company that respected me and gave me something in return of my 45

feelings. I only would be with a man, if that did make sense for my heart. His company would have to be important to me, but I would not see myself like a dependent woman of him. He would be something special for me, a warmth and a body warming up. But never my arrest.

I would live love again, but now as a nice "joke", like the flirts when I was a girl who liked to be with a guy, hidden, with the difference that I was now more adult and firm to make me respect. And now, I no longer need to hide.

I would have new romantic relationships, but they would be like the cherry on the party cake. My relationships would be the complement of the party that would be my life. I would love me a so sincere and so constant that I would not need to ask crumbs to a man who does not respect me.

I would enter into a relationship strongly. And when it was over, I would strengthen me quickly.

I would know to introduce me to a man like a strong woman. Loving, when I felt like, but not a goofy that leaves someone stepping up or as one that offers itself like if no had value.

Definitely I would not seek in a man nothing that I should give to myself: love, respect and affection. I 46

would seek a company, a diversion, a desire to be with someone for whom it is worth spending happy moments.

A company that made me feel a real woman. I would seek your kisses, caresses and look, her body and her warmth.

I know I would not stop doing something because of fear or whim of any person. I would live free of these bridles.

I would not talk if I would not. I would not attend a party which I would not. I would not be among people with whom I had no sympathy only to give pleasure to a friend.

I would hear the music of my like and would watch the movies that interested to me. I would feed the thoughts about my life and would despise ideas and thoughts that oppose my way of living and feeling.

In my new journey, I would have the final word that said well in my heart. I would love my way. I would do it my way.

I would dedicate myself, in that second half, to give me everything I wanted. I'd connect myself totally to my heart. I would take care to not spend time in contact with things that steal from me. I just would live for me.

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I would live constantly in contact with my heart and would be vigilant to not lose my communication with it. The desire to do new things and living realization of everything that was left behind, all past dreams, this would my diary sense to get out of bed. I would maintain strong desire to go to life. Going for me. I would not to leave me.

I am sure that the freedom to live for me would bring lightness to my soul and a great desire for life.

The woman in the second half of life would carry victory stamped in chest and desire to live life with wish and enthusiasm.

In this second part of life, I would not let my wishes be unattainable dreams, but would allow me to live all that is my right to live.

I would not leave behind anything I wanted to do, because I would not be in debt to my heart. I would take care of it and live everything I wanted to live.

Chapter 5 Planning the second half of my life 48

I never accepted that the word planning could be applied to a person's life. Planning for me had always been something to be applied to a company, institution or to a specific job. In my case, for example, I always made plans at my work, planning the year, setting goals and strategies to accomplish this plan, further my expectations for the year.

When I needed to interview someone, I always prepared myself so that planned the whole script: I created the questions and possible answers imagined, to take control of the interview situation.

I planned everything to others. But I never took time to plan my life. I never thought it had any importance for me to meet my goals.

I heard one more time that people should have a planning for their lives. But I thought all nonsense. I thought I should let things just happen.

When I was in Italy, the idea of planning appeared in my head, because many dreams arise in my mind during my walks through cities. I kept wanting to record those thoughts afraid to forget them. I knew that if I forgot anyone, I would be forgetting me, actually, myself.

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So, every day, at night, before bed, I reclined back on my bed and picked up my notepad and put on paper my plans for when I returned to Brazil.

I enjoyed the silence of the night and, accompanied by a small glass of Italian wine or a tasty coffee, hoping the silence came to my heart and peace, my chest and my whole being, and let the pen run wild through the leaves recording all I would like to do so that my life really had a sense.

I knew that a good plan would need to have a strategy for its implementation, which I had not. But what was important to me at that moment was seeing how good to feel that I had the power to make my life happen. How good it was feeling free to choose what I wanted to live! I felt I had control of my life in my hands.

The dreams came accompanied by the ghosts of fear that tried to disturb me, but I no longer let me win. I focused on the dreams that put my life in action, because I knew that they were the true part of my thoughts.

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I knew, however, that, to link my heart to the realization of my dreams, I needed to bring to myself a structure of better life. I refer to the financial structure.

When I was still working as a reporter in the newspaper, I get a course of the company about administration, so I had spent the last two years studying financial education in business: sales, technical market, advertising and business.

During the course, was born into me the desire to learn more about the business world when I read the biographies of successful women. I always saw those rich women as strong and satisfied people. I got to interview some of them on newspaper where I worked. It was a pleasure to see the glow on their faces of courage and self-confidence. How men be slavered when one of them paraded. They expressed a certain power. Why could not I also be a queen? I was tired of having limited financial life. My credit cards never closed. I blamed myself for not having control over my spending. And I recognize that was a spender person who needed to start taking care of it own finances.

But when I had seen those women lavishing beautiful things that they had bought, I asked myself 51

what I should learn about money so I could have a life as prosperous as those women. I saw that I needed to learn take care more of my money and learn to create more financial opportunities to improve my standard of living.

So the idea of setting up my salon and my jewelry store had the goal of improving my economic condition so I could have a life of more successful as those successful women.

I saw that the problem was not want all beautiful clothes that I saw in the window, or the gold necklaces that I dreamed of one day owning. The problem was not prepared me in terms of financial intelligence to create a better condition of life through business that could make my living standard to buy the things I wanted. That was the problem, not my desires to have beautiful things.

After reading the biography of these women, I woke up to the world of enterprises, while continuing to work, always responsibly, at the newspaper of my city. I knew that one day it would be a reality. I just did not know when or how it would. I knew that for this, I needed to grow as a person and better manage my emotions.

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Now, in Italy, I remembered my true desire that had been born when that course. I did not want to postpone the desire to take my business. When I returned to Brazil, I dedicated myself to learn more and more about the financial world to build my business. I would attend more courses and seminars about sales, advertising, technical market, accounting and beauty course. This was a challenge for me to explore my skills and experiment myself.

Try new things was a thought that excited me. I did not want to keep doing everything the same way. I do not want to wake up and run for the job that no longer satisfied me.

Just I think about the rewards that I would have to feel my heart full of joy to experience my way of doing my things, optimism filled my life. At moment, I wanted to leave Italy and fly back to Brazil to start my work.

I know it would not be easy, because it was something totally different from the life that I lived. For this, my concepts needed to change. I would have to learn new things, meet others and grow more and more as a person. But I know it would be fun experience for me. I think now I would be a little more prepared for the 53

"no" of life and to accept my failures. I also know that my learning about business last long and throughout my life.

But the reward of doing things for me and of my way was so large in my thinking that my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

The excitement sometimes began to be silenced by voices of discouragement, fear and judgments, but it was still in the chest and in my heart. I remember that I always slept with a question that did to myself: "How would my life be if I could realize my desire to take my perfume store and jewelry and my beauty salon?"

Just ask me that question, hope was into my life and I slept happier.

I also had plans to review my relationships at all levels. I would have relationships always to win. And winning, in this case, meant to be true to me and my feelings; win, for me, was to follow my wishes and not give in to the control of another. Meant not hurt myself by anyone, or put me in last place in the rank. Winning meant being true to what I gave to anyone, letting reality get above my illusions.

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Winning, in the relationship, meant doing things to satisfy my heart, not the conventional rules.

Away from home, I always remembered my family.

Sometimes, I miss my son. I had of course also would do things differently with him. I know that nothing I did would change what we had spent together. But that did not matter to me. I would remain the same mother. I did not give him anything that had no meaning for me. The care and attention that I gave you would have to have a meaning for me. I would not do this only compensating for the past. Anything that displeased him, he could only see different. He was responsible to forgive me or not. I would not put in his feelings and would respect what he thought of me whatever it was.

I remembered also how much had been hard for me all these years of living with my mother. Even when I moved in with the father of my child, things did not hit.

My son stayed with her, and of course I had to embitter his look critically for not being a good mother. I think he saw himself abandoned. Or whatever he saw the situation.

Sometimes, I was almost a month without seeing him, and when we met, it seemed that neither was my 55

son. I do not know what my mother was talking to him, but I know he disapproved me. I pounded her mouth.

We exchanged insults. I got nervous. I felt a mixture of anger and disappointment. I hated the way she made his head and the charges she made for my distance from the family. She wanted that I treated her like a queen. She was like that with my other sisters, who acted the same way with me. After the fights, guilt took hold of my head and I was on the point of exploding, so much I did torturing me. It was horrible.

I would no longer live that feeling. I would not fight anymore. I would not accept a provocation nor would initiate a new war as all I had lived. I would continue living my life alone and isolated as I have lived.

I would let time and life take charge of solving things. I would not be interested in resolving anything. Only interested myself living.

I would not act in order to be correct and the right of all to my family. I would not be more correct woman.

Only happy woman. I would act in order to look good with my heart. I would be at peace with me, even alone.

In my life plans, my new love relationships would be based on a relationship of enjoyment, as I said. I 56

would not seek in another person anything I know I should give myself. I would not seek attention or love. I would give it all to me. I would seek, rather, a company that is so important to the life of any person. But it would be an enjoyment in the purest sense of the word.

It would not be someone to give anything that I should have to give me. I always would seek a loving partner, and, similarly, in order to enjoy and to be with that person. I would seek exchange moments of happiness and affection. I would not suffer for love, because I would not seek it out me, because I would give love to me every day. I would live love.

Relationships with my friends would continue, but I would seek to prevent any word or friendship diverted from me and from my heart. I would seek new friends, which were willing to live the second half of life taking care their and your life, as I had planned to do.

To start living my planning, I would be opened to correct paths, review points, with all humility the world. I would not game my happiness and my heart in silly arrogance. No way. I would not be humble to others. I would with me and with my heart, to make sure my plan worked. My plan was to be free and happy.

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I know I would need to learn to find ways and strategies to carry out my plans. But the most important point I had: a strong reason to win the game of life. My reason was to be happy, free and realized; a woman satisfied with herself and with life. A woman that would love waking up every morning to live and to have fun.

My plan had a clear goal: to live the second half of my life in order to take care of me, giving me all that a person needs to be comfortable with herself. My plan was to give me love, affection, respect and create financial conditions for my life were prosperous and abundant. My plan was to make my life be hot to live.

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Chapter 6 Happiness for starting the new road

The trip to Italy had come to an end. It was unforgettable for me. But now I had to take me to the reality of having to restart my life in Brazil.

The places I visited were given me much inspiration and happiness to be alone with me, to begin rebuild I and to remind myself that I wanted to live the second half of my life differently. I wanted to live happily.

Although it is not yet at the level that I dream of someday being, I knew that I would return with the conviction that, like all other things accomplished because of my perseverance, to become a free and happy woman and financially well successful person was beginning with the first step. It began with the perception that I was not satisfied with the life I had done. It began with the perception that a new life would depended only by my desire to throw away everything I did not want and then to focus all I really wanted. I began to feel that the taste for this new life returned me the faith in myself and in life. And it began to learn that 59

nothing, not failure, or any error, would divert me from my strong desire to win. I wanted a second half of life differently.

And this desire to make things differently from how it was in the first half of my life was the beginning of this new road. A road that probably would have obstacles, but it was sustained by the ardent desire of my heart to walk in a new direction. The end of this road was as safe as its beginning.

I knew would walk by beautiful places and I knew also would experiment bad surprises. This would not change my desire to live my way. What mattered is that I was walking on a road that I had chosen. Just as importantly, I would walk my way and at my own pace.

Taking willingness to live at any cost the life I dreamed, faith returned to fill my heart. It was wonderful to feel how much this feeling optimism returned, giving me power to live.

I had made a plan to follow this new road, still incipient. I know it would perfect in that I moved forward in kilometers of months and years. But I had something more than this plan: I had a very strong reason within me, my desire to have taste for life, my desire to be free and happy. I was all that was enough for me to be the fuel that walk in the second part of my life 60

that had an address of departure and arrival clearly established: the deepest point of my heart.

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