NMSN Magazine Fall 2023

CAREER CONNECTIONS November 2023, Vol. 11, Issue 2

INSPIRING CHANGE www.nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

TABLE OF

CONTENTS

4 Are Military Spouses Also Driven to Serve?

8 Voting Matters

13

NMS

NMSN Networking Luncheon

16 Give Your Resume a Seasonal Checkup

18 Navigating Tough Conversations with Empathy and Respect

23 Making the Military-to-Civilian Transition: One Resume at a Time Cover Photo Credit: Trish Alegre-Smith for National Military Spouse Network No part of this publication can be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form without the written permission of the Publisher.

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President’s Letter

Sue Hoppin Founder & President National Military Spouse Network

Successfully balancing a career with the military lifestyle and preparing for a seamless transition requires deliberate planning and if you’re lucky — the guidance of more experienced friends or colleagues who are willing to generously share their lessons learned. It is that spirit that guides this latest edition of our Career Connections. You’ll find building blocks to ensure you’re able to set up a viable career and successful transitions— PCS, separation or retirement—shared by talented writers also living the lifestyle.

Creating more opportunities for military spouse professionals is at the core of what we stand for at the National Military Spouse Network (NMSN). Typically the first half of the year is dedicated to thought leadership and service to the community through the release of the annual White Paper and Day of Advocacy. The second half of the year is all about professional development.

Our Straight Talk conversations are live on Facebook every Monday at 12 noon EST will help you learn everything you need to know to thrive as a military spouse professional. We also recently held our Annual Summit where we were honored to be joined by a panel of experts who addressed: • • • • • • •

Three Ways to Build Soft Skills and Career Growth Overcoming Self-Defeating Behaviors Congress and the Military How to Handle Polarizing Conversations Beyond Blooming Where You're Planted: Leading from Anywhere Three Myths About Working with a Virtual Assistant Boost Your Career Platform and Establish Yourself as an Expert by Becoming a Professional Author • How to Create Your Own Opportunities Each speaker shared so many great insights that, fortunately, were captured on video. You’ll find yourself going back for points you may have missed the first time around. If you couldn’t tune in live, you still have time to catch the sessions on replay.

Watch (((())))

After years of exclusively online events, it was wonderful to bring our community together for a networking luncheon in Washington DC. We were joined by DC insiders, friends, colleagues and military spouses for a great conversation about the role of mentors and sponsors in launching our careers. It was a joy to look around the room and see the connections being forged over delicious food, elevated by the historical backdrop of the Army Navy Club.

We will have to do it again when we all gather for our annual Day of Advocacy in May! Save the date and make sure you register to join us as we work together to affect change for our community.

Until then, we wish you all the best for a happy holiday season. If you find yourself with an empty seat at the table, we hope for their safe and speedy return—all the best for a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. We look forward to connecting with you soon!

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ARE MILITARY SPOUSES ALSO DRIVEN TO SERVE?

BY JENNIFER BARNHILL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF NMSN’S CAREER CONNECTIONS

O

ver the years I have interviewed many nonprofit founders within the military family community. Many people in this community want to make a difference in the lives of those coming after them. Yet, most of the military family advocates and nonprofit founders I have interviewed share that they had no desire to be a leader of an organization or cause. Rather, they observed a need and offered a solution.

It makes me wonder, would they have done so if they were not in the military community? Are they more likely to be advocates or do they simply just encounter more of a need for advocacy? I am going to say the thing you don’t say if you want people to keep reading something you write, it depends.

To start, the individual who chooses to marry a military service member is unique. Not a single one of us “knew what we were getting into,” when we said “I do” to this life. We know that the person we have chosen to live our life with has decided to possibly lay down their life to protect our Constitution and serve our nation. That is a big deal. And saying “I do” to someone who has made that promise is a big deal as well. What makes military families drawn to service?

Show Us the Data

intrinsic motivations of service members. Rather, it may reflect the military’s recruiting standards that weed out traits like neuroticism, which can prove problematic in high-stress situations.

Even less research exists that examines who says “I do” to marry a service member and what motivates them to do so. Although I have not examined the personality traits of those who establish organizations or advocate for their communities, I have researched who volunteers within our military spouse community and I believe that there are some similarities.

In 2021 I surveyed military spouses to better understand why military spouses volunteer with their local spouse groups (Family Readiness Groups, Key Spouse, etc.). I then followed up this survey by conducting over 50 qualitative interviews.

I found that although every person who volunteered their time had different motivations for doing so, they all saw a need that was unfulfilled. This is not a surprising finding. The military community is full of unmet needs. The Department of Defense is the largest employer in the world, and its employees are highly diverse and geographically separated. The DoD can’t do it all and help everyone. It relies upon a network of paid employees and volunteers to get the job done.

What is unequivocally true, is there is a need.

Although most military recruiting efforts use patriotic messages, hoping to lure service members in with messages of the honor of service, most research that examines who joins the military doesn’t even attempt to measure the personality traits that influence someone to serve. Instead, the focus on who has a propensity to serve focuses on race, socioeconomic motivators, variables that are easier to measure. There is research that examines who joins the German military. They found that “personality traits prospectively influenced who chose to join the military, as individuals lower in agreeableness, neuroticism, and openness to experience were more likely to enter military service.” This measurement has little to do with the 4 | NMSN Magazine

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Although not a finding, it is my belief that when military spouses are taken out of a traditional career pathway, they have the time to see the gaps around them. If they were working towards their own professional aspirations, they may not be in a position to correct their observations.

So, I can’t say that military spouses are more politically minded or are activists. What I can say is that because they are constantly surrounded by needs, they are presented with more opportunities to fill those needs. And once military spouses see this need, it is hard to close their eyes to the needs of the world around them, especially when those in need are their friends and neighbors.

Although we have gained these insights because we often find ourselves out of the workforce, we are uniquely suited to serve as ambassadors within our communities. We can serve by encouraging others to vote—without making it political. We can talk about political topics like war without making it controversial because our focus can be on our own lived experiences, not sweeping generalizations. We NOVEMBER 2023

serve this community because we have skin in the game, not necessarily because we were born with some altruistic bent.

While we may think service members sign up because they are born to serve—the folks who rescue cats out of trees–the reality is they sign up for many reasons. Similarly, military spouses advocate and serve for their own reasons. Some do so because they feel it is a calling while others serve more reluctantly. Regardless of their motivations, service members and their families fill a need because the need exists and someone has to do it.

Jennifer Barnhill is a freelance writer with a focus on military family advocacy, Navy spouse and mother of three. Her reporting has been featured in Military.com, The War Horse, We Are the Mighty, Military Spouse Magazine, Military Families Magazine and TheMilitaryWallet.com. She serves on both the National Military Spouse Network Day of Advocacy and The League of Wives Memorial Project Committees.

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Style Brief WEARABLE TRENDS AUTUMN/WINTER 2023

HERO PIECES The clothing pieces that save you from the days you “have nothing to wear.”

You always end up resorting back to them. Hero pieces are your personal favorites that live permanently in your closet.

• • • •

You wear them religiously You wear them fancy You wear them casually You wear holes in them

Versatility is their middle name. This season's fashion trends embody the classics, old fashioned and the days of preppy which means an opportunity for some “go to” finds.

QUIET LUXURY QUALITY & SUSTAINABILITY Sophisticated basics that will have you splurging on fit and fabrics while investing in pieces that endure. Plush cashmere, wool and silk ensure you invest wisely. Ease into these looks with a trench coat, or a preppy oxford in white.

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RED YOU HAVE A RED Wear red, white and blue to the polls then grab brunch. There is a red for everyone. Warmer skin tones complement an orange red and cool complexions are enhanced by blue reds.

GAMEDAY SWIFTIE WESTERN The western trend meets fall ball games at the stadium vibes. Short and long denim skirts are back, finish them off with cowboy boots. This one is easiest to adopt by embracing the footwear. Dust off your boots and booties for a wearable option and your kids will think you are still cool.

JEANS VOTE & BRUNCH OUTFIT

MANY OPTIONS Get ready to see more wide-leg silhouettes with less distressing this season. The bootcut, flare and traditional wide leg are back.

Yes, it is becoming a reality that rises are getting lower, yet mid-high waists are still around.

Skinny jeans update; don’t get rid of them if you love them. Yet take a risk and step out and try a straight leg.

Trying a cropped length will make the transition to the looser calf palatable.

Erin Hodgkinson is a vCommerce fashion stylist for HSN. She dresses the hosts and models on the live show.

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Voting Matters

BY KRISTA WELLS

A

s military spouses, we all have a lot on our plates. Still, it’s important to make our voices heard by prioritizing voting on our neverending to-do list. But how can we enter this next voting season 8 | NMSN Magazine

with a contagious and positive attitude?

It starts by planning how we’ll vote—the logistics of voting in addition to how we mark our ballots. Next, remind friends to nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

get out there and make their voices heard by voting. Talking about the act of voting does not have to feel political. Regardless of whether you’re a retired military spouse, active duty or child of a service member voting NOVEMBER 2023

in your first presidential election, voting matters. Here’s how some of our members are approaching voting in this upcoming election.

​​Mary Monnin “I wear my ‘I voted’ sticker proudly.”

for,” explains Mary. However, as military spouses, wearing our stickers proudly does not mean we have to enter into the political fray. Talking about voting itself does not require us to share who we voted for or why, just that we performed our civic duty and encouraged others to do the same.

When you’re on a military base overseas, there’s a sense of camaraderie — a feeling of being all in it together, Mary recalls.

This sense of togetherness may not feel as strong in today’s fraught political climate, and it’s understandable to miss that. We can only hope that we can all come to a place where we’re all more tolerant of others’ political opinions, but in the meantime, it’s important to keep voting.

One challenge with voting as a military spouse is trying to make a voting plan while being stationed overseas. Mary Monnin has been stationed in Germany, England and the Netherlands — as well as living in several different states while her husband served in the Air Force and worked at NATO. She encourages others to be proactive and get their absentee ballots ready. “We always did this. We’d look forward to getting our absentee ballots. And as soon as we got them, we’d fill them out and send them back without fail.”

Julie Provost

These days, Mary is an author living in Kansas City, Missouri with her husband who retired from the Air Force.

It’s important to have a voting plan, and not just for presidential elections, but for all elections.

For military spouses on the go, it takes effort to get out there, do your research and learn as much as you can about your local candidates—especially if you are far from where you are

“Today I’m very leery about mentioning voting. I guess we could say that we voted, but not tell other people who we voted NOVEMBER 2023

“We can make change happen.”

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registered to vote—but it’s worth the effort.

Military spouse Julie Provost can attest to the experience of moving around to many different states in addition to voting while overseas. “One of the first things we did when we moved was get our licenses and register to vote,” she explains. Although reregistering in a new state is not legally required, many military families like Julie’s want to be able to vote in the cities and states in which they reside, even for a short time. Since these processes can take some time, it’s important to take care of them as soon as possible during a move.

Julie encourages other spouses to get out there and learn about the local issues that impact military families. The local causes and voting structure are different in each state. For example, when they moved to Tennessee, Julie discovered that you don’t register for a political party in that state. “Instead, we focused on voting for the candidate whose messaging most closely aligned with our values at the time.”

When she was overseas in Germany, she and her husband still voted. “I’ve noticed that most spouses vote for the presidential election, but often forgo voting in local elections.

But local politics is where we can make a difference.”

Julie encourages other spouses not to put their heads in the sand and to instead take an active role in politics. “It’s important to vote where you’re living, where your kids are going to school and where the policies affect you,” NMSN Magazine | 9

she said. “You should be a part of it because the outcomes affect us all.”

She has developed a plan that helps her do just that. “Start Googling the names you see on the signs in your town, on those Hulu ads and be proactive.” If you are far from where you are voting and miss these ads, search your local district voting pages and utilize voter guides and sample ballots to make sure you are all set when the time comes.

Our votes affect us from the top down. Whether we’re talking about city propositions, school districts or who holds the title of President of the United States, every item we vote for on the ballot has an impact.

Alexa Wells “I registered to vote online.”

Snapchat collaborates with trusted partners like BallotReady and TurboVote to make voting more accessible, engaging and convenient.

Alexa grew up as a Marine Corps dependent and now lives in Charlottesville, Virginia. She’s a student at the University of Virginia studying Foreign Affairs with a minor in Public Policy and Leadership. She has also worked in partnership with AmeriCorps and The Women’s Network.

“It’s not easy to talk about specific policies if you aren’t entirely familiar with the ins and outs of that particular issue. But talking about voting in general isn’t taboo,” Alexa notes. It can be enjoyable to have broader political conversations where there isn’t an expectation that both parties should have the same knowledge surrounding a particular topic. “I think voter engagement—regardless of motivation—is a good thing,” she said.

Regardless of your motivation for voting or the cause–or political party–you’re passionate about, it’s important to vote in local, state and national elections and encourage others to do the same.

Alexa Wells, military dependent and college student living out of state, reminds us that it’s easier than ever to register and prepare to vote using tools like Snapchat.

Alexa explains that Snapchat has a built-in feature called “Register to Vote” that directs users to register and lists registration deadlines, eligibility requirements and guides for younger voters.

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Let’s Remind Each Other To Vote No matter how we feel about the candidates, voting is the cornerstone of a functioning democracy. While it is tempting to observe and comment on a problem and leave it at that, it is our duty to take the next step.

While accepting that no system is without flaws, voting is one way you can influence the overall nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

outcomes you want to see in your community. We can elect representatives who align with our values by casting our votes.

Let’s talk with each other and work to advocate for policies that benefit military families.

Our voices matter, and we can ensure that our unique needs and challenges are addressed by participating in both local and federal elections.

Here are some simple steps to make voting as easy as possible for you and your local spouse community: 1. When you get to a new duty station, check your voter registration status and ensure you’re all set up before voting.

2. If you’ve recently moved, make sure to update your address with the Department of Motor Vehicles, National Voter Registry and the district in which you plan on voting if required.

3. Research the candidates running for local office in addition to presidential candidates and their positions on issues important to military families. Identify which candidate best represents your military family values.

4. Remind your new friends on base to vote, too. Talk to each other about your plan for voting and support each other by swapping child care if needed.

5. Determine the most convenient way for you to vote ahead of time, especially during a deployment or when living overseas. You may need NOVEMBER 2023

to fill out an absentee ballot, participate in early voting or vote by mail. Figure out your options by asking your military installation’s Voting Assistance Program Office to assist you with casting your vote regardless of your location.

Sometimes liking a particular candidate is stigmatized, leading to tension with friends and even at family gatherings. But conversations around voting don’t need to become polarizing. Focus instead on talking about your passion for the voting process and making sure everyone’s voice is heard. Don’t get into the weeds on issues, keep conversations positive by asking them if they plan on voting, not how they plan on voting.

Talk with fellow military spouses about your concerns, ideas and hopes for a better future without naming specific candidates or parties. By creating a safe space for bipartisan conversations, we can empower one another to participate in the democratic process without letting things get heated.

As military spouses, we have a unique network of friends and acquaintances within the community. Use your inperson and social networks to encourage others to vote— without sharing who you’re voting for. Some helpful resources you can share include: •

The National Military Spouse Network (NMSN) advocates for military spouses in a bipartisan way.

•

The Federal Voting Assistance Program (FVAP)

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provides comprehensive guidance on voter registration, absentee voting and election information for military members and their families.

•

The Secure Families Initiative is a great resource for family members with voting questions. Their mission is to mobilize diverse military partners, parents, kids and veterans to vote and advocate for their communities, especially on issues of foreign policy and national security.

As military spouses, we are no strangers to challenges, and making sure we get out there and vote is one challenge that we can easily overcome. Sometimes, that means putting on a raincoat and dragging your little kids outdoors kicking and screaming nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

to the polls— and that’s perfectly okay. Just think about the pride you’ll feel when you place that “I voted” sticker on your fall sweater, knowing you modeled democracy in action for your children and helped spread the message that military spouses’ votes matter.

Krista Wells, Ph.D., The Military Spouse Coach®, is a certified life coach that loves working with motivated military spouses. She writes and speaks to military spouse groups, teaching them how to set goals and make their side hustles happen! She recently co-authored a fiction book titled An Imperfect Plan, under the pen name Addison McKnight.

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THE FIVE PEOPLE WE’D LIKE TO INVITE OVER FOR

DINNER

THE RIGHT HONOURABLE JACINDA ARDERN FORMER PRIME MINISTER OF NEW ZEALAND

CONGRESSMAN DON BACON CO-CHAIR OF THE MILITARY QUALITY OF LIFE PANEL

MRS. SHARENE BROWN MILITARY FAMILY ADVOCATE AND SPOUSE OF THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF

MRS. SHEILA CASEY EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF JOINING FORCES

MS. MACKENZIE SCOTT PHILANTHROPIST 12 | NMSN Magazine

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Photo Credit: Trish Alegre-Smith for National Military Spouse Network

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Sponsored Content

Frightful Finances

BY JJ MONTANARO, CFP®, USAA

A

couple of weeks ago, I sat down with Sue, and we discussed money. At that time of year, I’ve made a practice of surveying the landscape in search of some scary statistics. This year there was no shortage of frightening figures to use as fodder for our discussion. So, we decided to delve into them together in the hope of spurring the NMSN community to some introspection and, if necessary, action. Here’s a look at a few of the numbers we discussed back on the eve of Halloween:

3.4: The number of years your balance could double.

Earlier this year, the Federal Reserve reported that those Americans who carried balances on their credit cards were paying an average of 22.16% interest. The Rule of 72, which illustrates the power of compounding, would indicate it would just take a bit over three years for a balance to double at that rate. Carrying such a balance is like sending your young kids off to trick or treat all alone; clearly, something you want to avoid.

73 percent: Workers who believe they will “work for pay” in retirement according to the Employee Benefit Research Institute’s annual Retirement Confidence Survey. Compare that with the 23% of retirees in the same survey who report they are working for pay during retirement and you have a significant disconnect. You could be caught short if you make working during retirement a centerpiece of your plan and you aren’t able to do so.

$134,000: This is the median retirement savings balance for Americans in the 55-64 age band. Again, the term median indicates that half of folks have more than

$134K and half have less. This is the group of people that should be on the final glide path to retirement landing. Unfortunately, it looks more like a crash landing than a smooth touchdown for many. Every bit helps, so work it, regardless of where you are on the journey.

8.99 percent: The average new car loan rate, according to MarketWatch, for a borrower with a credit score between 601-660. Not surprisingly, a super prime borrower is paying just over 5%. Takeaways? Get your credit in order before purchasing an auto and ensure that you can afford the vehicle in the first place. Look at the total cost of ownership–loan, insurance, maintenance, gas–and get the best deal for you. This is a spooky time to stretch.

3.5 percent: The most recent reading by the Bureau of Economic Analysis on America’s personal savings rate. At USAA, our view is that 15% is a good place to be on that front. Obviously, every situation is unique, but saving at a 3.5% clip is like eating your treats while you are going door to door on Halloween. You’ll get to the end of the evening with very little to show for your trick-or-treating journey.

All that might have you running for cover, but if they have you thinking about smart money moves, mission accomplished.

Joseph “JJ” Montanaro is a financial planner with USAA’s Military Affairs’ Advocacy Group and is a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER professional (CFP®). He is a native of Kansas City and graduated from the United States Military Academy, West Point, New York.Montanaro has more than twenty years of experience as a financial planner. He served in the US Army for six years on active duty and retired as a lieutenant colonel in the United States Army Reserve. JJ’s financial advice has appeared in numerous outlets including the Wall Street Journal, USA Today and the New York Times. He writes monthly personal finance columns for Military Spouse Magazine and American Legion Magazine and hosts the USAA Money Drill podcast.

This material is for informational purposes. Consider your own financial circumstances carefully before making a decision and consult with your tax, legal or estate planning professional.

Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards, Inc. owns the certification marks CFP® and CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER TM in the United States, which it awards to individuals who successfully complete CFP Board's initial and ongoing certification requirements.

USAA means United Services Automobile Association and its affiliates.No Department of Defense or government agency endorsement.

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STARTED BY

25 SOLDIERS 13 MILLION

MEMBERS AND GROWING

100 YEARS AND GOING STRONG

1 MISSION THROUGH IT ALL

As long as there are those who serve, USAA will be there to serve them.

usaa.com/join

Membership eligibility and product restrictions apply and are subject to change. USAA means United Services Automobile Association and its affiliates. No Department of Defense or government agency endorsement. (c) 2023 USAA. 291559-0723

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SCAN HERE NMSN Magazine | 15

Give Your Resume a Seasonal Checkup

BY JANET FARLEY, ED.M., CWDP, CPRW

After all, you are a work in progress. Your resume should be one, too, growing and changing as you learn new skills, accumulate different experiences and rack up more accomplishments.

The Bigger Picture Your resume’s job is to help you do just that—grow and develop professionally. It can only accomplish that mission if it has clear directions from you. It must be targeted to your goals with an appropriate format and content that helps you get from where you are to where you want to be.

Potential purposes of your resume include: • Applying for a specific job within your current industry • Applying for a job in a new industry • Applying to serve in a leadership position, volunteer or otherwise When one season fades into another, to-do lists evolve.

Send kids back to school. Check.

• Accompanying a professional bio for an existing employer • Strengthening an enrollment package to an educational and/or training program • Marketing yourself during a job fair or at a networking event

Get that pumpkin spice latte fix. Check.

Find your favorite fall sweater. Check.

Winterize your resume. Check….wait. What?

Like it or not, multiple purposes equal multiple resumes.

You might not think twice about adding anti-freeze to your car or checking the insulation seals around the doors and windows of your home. Don’t think twice about digging out your latest and greatest resume and giving it a thorough seasonal check-up too.

Never use one resume for all purposes unless the goal is self-sabotage. Check out my Resume Check-Up Checklist on the next page to ensure your resume is healthy.

While you may not need to have a ready-to-roll resume right this second, having one that is lifeproof, requiring minimal effort to rapidly deploy in the event of an unexpected opportunity (new job) or disaster (lost job), or uncertainty (pending PCS) is always a smart idea.

Janet Farley, Ed.M. is an NMSN Employment Expert, a lecturer at the University of Colorado in Colorado Springs and a career coach. Connect with her at www.linkedIn.com/in/ janetfarley.

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Resume Check-Up Checklist Focus

Experience

☐ My resume has a clear purpose. It is to:

.

(your purpose goes here)

Format ☐ There are 1” margins on the top, bottom and sides of the page ☐ Font is easy to read (Calibri, Garamond, Arial Narrow or Georgia) ☐ Length of your resume does not exceed two pages ☐ Content is left-aligned for easy reading ☐ Sections within the resume are clearly labeled and easy to locate ☐ Section titles are bolded and in a smaller font than your name but larger than text below ☐ Formatting is consistent throughout the resume ☐ Heading repeated in smaller font with notation of Page Two on the second page ☐ Resume can be easily read by an applicant tracking system (ATS)–no text in images, etc. ☐ Over-formatting is avoided (combined use of bolding, underlines, italics and all caps) ☐ Did not use a template and the document can be saved in Word or as a PDF Contact Info/Heading ☐ Name is bolded and in a larger font size (12-16 point) than other content ☐ Telephone and email address are included and labels identifying them are not used ☐ Email address avoids vanity styling (hotmamma@ email.com) ☐ Email does not belong to the employer you’ve left or are planning to leave ☐ LinkedIn URL included and customized (assuming LinkedIn profile aligns with resume) ☐ Hyperlink URL text wherever possible to make clicking easier ☐ Physical address is omitted, city and state are optional ☐ The word “Resume” does not appear on the resume Summary Area | Your Value Proposition ☐ A targeted high-level summary/career profile that clarifies your value proposition is provided (4-5 typed lines max) that indicates who you are by job title and/or industry and shows what you have to offer relative to the purpose of your resume Skills ☐ Key hard and soft skills are effectively showcased ☐ Outdated skills are omitted ☐ Skills section is not buried at the end of the resume ☐ Foreign language proficiency is mentioned if relative to the job NOVEMBER 2023

☐ Most recent work experience is listed first ☐ Work narrative formatting is consistent ☐ Note if a job was temporary or contract-based ☐ Accomplishments are bulleted and accurately explain and quantify achievements ☐ Action verbs are used in bulleted narratives ☐ Proper tenses are used (present tense for current job/past tense for older jobs) ☐ Experience does not read as a job description but tells the story of your results ☐ Work narratives and accomplishments include targeted industry keywords and skills ☐ Work experience highlights your 10-year work history if using a chronological format ☐ A work history section follows skill narratives if using a functional or combination format ☐ There are no unexplained, lengthy gaps in employment Education/Training/Certifications ☐ Highest academic degree is listed first and spelled out–degree abbreviation can be used ☐ List relevant academic coursework if you lack an extensive professional work history ☐ Graduation/training completion year can be included if obtained in the last five years ☐ License number and certifying body included if the position requires current licensure ☐ Omit high school unless it specifically serves a purpose, or you recently graduated Other Potential Categories ☐ Resume may include other section(s) of relevant info such as community involvement, professional affiliations, awards, external links to sample work portfolio, blog or website ☐ If you are concerned that employers may wonder if you are eligible to work in the U.S., indicate that you are a citizen and/or you are legally permitted to work in the US Final Checks ☐ Salary information is not included ☐ Other names (supervisors or high-profile VIPs) do not appear on your resume unless requested ☐ Personal pronouns (I, me, my, our) are not used ☐ There are no spelling or grammatical errors ☐ “References Available” statement is omitted–But have them ready! ☐ The word “Resume” does not appear at the top of your resume

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Navigating Tough Conversations with Empathy and Respect How to Have Difficult Discussions Effectively

BY MARLA BAUTISTA

N

avigating tough conversations effectively is key to achieving productive discussions and fostering understanding.

All communication, from job interviews to political discussions with family, requires understanding, active listening, finding common ground and learning effective communication strategies. By navigating these conversations with respect, you can connect with others and achieve positive outcomes.

These skills are even more critical for military spouses navigating

uncertain territory, such as negotiating salaries or expressing emotions to loved ones. Carol Bowser, President and Founder of Conflict Management Strategies Inc. and Lydiah Owiti-Otienoh, Manager of Military Spouse Programs at Hiring Our Heroes, share a few ways to navigate difficult discussions effectively.

Preparing for Difficult Discussions “I take my time to understand the issue, usually two to three days, so I can come as calm as possible to the conversation,” said OwitiOtienoh of difficult conversations in the workplace. “I also learned to avoid labeling them as ‘difficult conversations’ as it gives it a negative connotation right from the onset and sets a negative tone that may hinder openness and authenticity.”

Carol Bowser

Setting the tone and preparing yourself for difficult discussions is crucial for achieving positive outcomes and maintaining respectful conversations. Before engaging in these conversations, take some time to reflect on your goals and priorities. Identify the key points you want to convey and any concerns or emotions you may have. It’s also essential to

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Lydiah Owiti-Otienoh research and gather information that supports your perspective so you are not unprepared if things get heated. Practice active listening and effective communication strategies, such as asking open-ended questions and paraphrasing, to ensure you understand what others are saying.

Finding common ground and being mindful of the other person’s perspective can help create a more collaborative and productive conversation.

By preparing yourself, you can NOVEMBER 2023

approach challenging discussions confidently and increase the likelihood of achieving the best possible outcomes, whether negotiating a salary or having a heartfelt conversation with a loved one.

• Set a positive tone • Reflect • Gather information • Prepare to listen

Navigating Tough Conversations in Job Interviews Sometimes landing your dream job requires you to navigate difficult conversations during job interviews. While it may be hard to set your nerves aside, being able to confidently approach the interview is essential. Like any other hard conversation, you can demonstrate your interest in the job and company by asking questions based on what you researched to prepare for the interview and what they share in the moment. Being able to summarize their points will help build rapport with the interviewer.

Military spouses may feel like they are trying to avoid the dreaded– and illegal—why do you move around so much question. If you feel like they are trying to elicit an answer you are not comfortable with, be sure to maintain a calm, respectful tone as you choose the best response. This can leave them with a positive impression of your ability to remain poised under stress and increase the likelihood of getting the job.

Another tough part of the interview process is knowing how to negotiate a salary. You NOVEMBER 2023

want to be competitive, but not greedy. The reality is this doesn’t have to be a tough conversation. Bowser mentioned how crucial it is to do your research before the interview.

“Every single hiring manager has some level of authority,” said Bower. “Remember, everyone is negotiating for their own interest.

Negotiate the total compensation package, not just salary.” She suggests utilizing websites such as One Net, Glassdoor and other digital job boards for employment research. These sites give you insights into what other employees think about working at that location and what your salary range might be. Remember, nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

successfully navigating tough conversations in job interviews requires showcasing your skills and experiences while listening attentively to the employer’s perspective and understanding their workplace needs. If you come prepared with a realistic salary expectation then you can avoid having a difficult interaction.

Navigating Tough Conversations with Family Members The boardroom is not the only place we are forced to have tough conversations. Lately, more and more families are falling out of touch due to NMSN Magazine | 19

generational, cultural and political differences. Navigating tough conversations with family members in the living room can be particularly challenging. But, just because you are comfortable talking to your family doesn’t mean you can’t adopt similar strategies that lead to better understanding and resolution.

When approaching conversation with family, practicing active listening and empathy is vital, especially when you are close.

It is easy to think we know what the other is feeling. Take the time to understand their perspective and validate their feelings, even if you disagree. Bowser suggests being inquisitive. She said to use phrases like, “That’s an interesting point of view”, “Tell me more” or “Maybe we have different takeaways based on our own experiences.” She suggests being open to different points of view, staying calm and collected, and respecting boundaries. Applying these techniques can create a more harmonious family dynamic and strengthen relationships.

Effective communication is vital to navigating tough conversations with family members and fostering understanding.

Redirecting Potentially Divisive Discussions Navigating tough conversations can sometimes lead to potentially divisive discussions no matter the context. It’s essential to be prepared for these moments at work and at home and have strategies to redirect the conversation towards a more productive and understanding direction. One approach Bowser communicated is to ask openended questions that encourage the other person to reflect on 20 | NMSN Magazine

their views, fostering critical thinking and potentially leading to a shift in perspective. It’s essential to approach these questions with genuine curiosity and without judgment.

“Remember how you feel. I take a break whenever needed. We can always pick up the conversation again another time when we are not emotionally charged,” said Owiti-Otienoh. “Remember what the goal of the discussion is and stick to it. Lastly, show empathy and responsiveness through listening and affirming body language. Acknowledge their feelings, appreciate their point of view, and apologize for behavior or words if they find it offensive.”

Bowser says you have permission to ask questions like, “Why is this so important to you personally?”

She continued, “Don’t interrupt or interject. You can have heated and productive conversations, but when it becomes unproductive, neither party’s goals will be met.” Redirecting potentially divisive discussions requires you to stay calm and composed even when you want to escalate.

Emotions can run high in difficult conversations, but maintaining a respectful and nonconfrontational tone can help deescalate the situation and create a more constructive atmosphere.

But when all else fails, walk away or take a break.

Knowing how to navigate difficult conversations in different contexts and mediums is a necessary skill for everyone, especially military spouses who may not have the luxury of having these conversations face-to-face. We have them in person, over the phone or via video calls. We have hard conversations with family, nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

friends and our professional peers. But regardless of how you have these conversations, or with whom you have them, practicing active listening and empathy creates a conducive environment for meaningful connections, making it easier to understand each other in challenging conversations.

If you know a hard conversation is coming, take the time to prepare and clarify your priorities and objectives. Finding common ground and maintaining respect and a positive tone will set you up to have a successful conversation, even if it is not easy. Remember, challenging conversations are not about winning or losing but developing mutual understanding.

When handled respectfully while using effective communication techniques, these conversations can foster personal growth, strengthen relationships and result in better outcomes. So, embrace the challenge of having difficult conversations. It is possible to stay engaged without getting enraged, and the effort is worth it for a more informed and united society.

Marla Bautista is the author of My Thoughts Abandoned and co-author of Brave Women, Strong Faith. She is also a freelance writer, blogger, and speaker. Her passion is giving to people in need. She does so as the co-founder of the Bautista Project Inc, a nonprofit organization providing homeless community members in Tampa, FL. NOVEMBER 2023

What Motivates You?

BY CACHET PRESCOTT, PHR, SHRM-CP

What motivates you?

Why Start with Why?

You might not ask yourself this question often—if at all—but it’s an important one to consider when it comes to your professional, and even personal, endeavors. Having clarity about what’s driving those pursuits is a crucial part of the process that many of us often overlook, and this oversight can have a negative impact on us and our results.

Simon Sinek popularized the idea of starting with why in his book of the same title, Start with Why. In the book, Sinek explores the power of knowing the why in an organization and its impact on its people: increasing buy-in and loyalty to the vision.

Though Sinek speaks on this concept in terms of one’s ability to successfully lead others, his work also speaks to the value of this perspective for individuals, namely, how to use your why as a source of motivation.

Ultimately, understanding and leaning into what motivates you: • Allows you to be intentional and purposeful about your pursuits • Contributes to greater job satisfaction • Enhances your productivity • Influences your willingness to change • Keeps you going even when things get challenging When it comes to how we’re motivated, there are two types to consider: 1. Extrinsic motivation: Being motivated by external factors – receiving a reward (recognition, a promotion and/or raise, etc.) or avoiding punishment (getting fired, demotion, etc.)

2. Intrinsic motivation: Being motivated from within – an inherent satisfaction (enjoying the craft, mastering a skill, walking in your purpose, etc.)

(Remember why you started) Photo by Cristofer Maximilian on Unsplash

NOVEMBER 2023

We as humans experience the effects of both motivation types—depending on the situation or circumstance—but let’s explore the impact of intrinsic motivation.

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NMSN Magazine | 21

Motivation from the Inside Out

Books to Read

In his book Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, Daniel Pink writes about three elements of intrinsic motivation:

Pink, D. (2011). Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. New York: Riverhead Books.

• Autonomy: “The desire to direct our own lives”

Sinek, S. (2011). Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action. New York: Portfolio/Penguin.

• Mastery: “The desire to continually improve at something that matters” • Purpose: “The desire to do things in service of something larger than ourselves” Knowing which of the above elements moves the needle in your work allows you to lean into what matters—as opposed to spending your time and effort on things that don’t. If autonomy matters most, you can pursue goals that provide you with a sense of choice. If it’s mastery for you, you can lean into projects that challenge you and tap into your desire for learning and growth. If purpose is the priority, you can focus your efforts on initiatives that speak to your soul as well as the greater good.

Being clear about what motivates you, however, is particularly important if you identify as a high achiever or an overachiever (Hi, recovering overachiever here). For those of us who fall into these camps, we might fall into the habit of achieving for the sake of achieving. While the thrill of achievement can be intoxicating, the danger of not having this clarity is that we may unknowingly slide into autopilot mode, running ourselves ragged on the Achievement Hamster Wheel if we’re not mindful and intentional.

Your Challenge So, my friend, I encourage you to check in with yourself and identify your why by: • Writing down your current goals • Asking yourself what the motivating factor is behind each one • Determining if the why behind each goal is strong enough for you to stay committed, especially in the tough times - For those goals you feel intrinsically motivated by, which element(s) (autonomy, mastery and/or purpose) is/ are the driving force?

• Eliminating goals where your why is nonexistent or weak 22 | NMSN Magazine

Cachet Prescott is a Workplace Psychology practitioner and Executive Coach with a passion for the human side of the workplace. A trained social scientist and double certified HR professional, Cachet brings expertise in organizational behavior and culture; group dynamics; leadership development and inclusion and belonging to increase interpersonal effectiveness among professionals and leaders to amplify productivity and business impact.

Throughout her career, Cachet has worked with professionals at all career stages from organizations such as Amazon, Baird, Barclays, Bose, Bunker Labs, Colgate, Goldman Sachs, HSBC, illy Caffe, ING, Jobcase, JP Morgan Chase, Morgan Stanley, Oil Dri Corporation of America, Inc., Valdosta State University, Vocera and Workplaceless. She also served as an adjunct professor for 15+ years at various institutions and is currently an auxiliary faculty member and executive coach for the University of Tennessee Haslam College of Business's Strategic Leadership Executive MBA program.

This military spouse and mother of three girls is the creator and host of All Things (Un)learned, a podcast exploring unlearning as a powerful means to personal growth, transformation and well-being. She holds a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Georgia; a Master’s in Industrial-Organizational Psychology from Fairfield University; and a Bachelor’s in Sociology from the University of Virginia. She's currently pursuing her coaching certification through the Hudson Institute of Coaching.

Cachet has been featured in The Muse; Thrive Global; The Huffington Post; Introvert, Dear; DailyWorth; Fast Company; FlexJobs; International Business Times (IBT); LearnVest; Monster; Recruiter.com; Careers in Government; GI Jobs; Military Spouse Magazine and Blue Star Families.

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NOVEMBER 2023

Making the Military-to-Civilian Transition: One Resume at a Time

BY JERMAINE KING

Y

ou have enjoyed a long journey. You have done your job superbly, doing things with seldom a “thank you” from anyone. When it was time to move on to the next installation, you did so without asking questions because you knew it was your duty. You took on additional jobs to ensure your household could afford to pay the bills. And now the time has come for you to leave the military and begin transitioning from the military to the civilian sector.

NOVEMBER 2023

Wait. Did you think this article was about the military member’s transition? Reread the introduction, and you will see that we are not speaking about the military member’s transition to military service but the spouses’ transition to the civilian world.

The military spouse has served their country very well.

I should know, I have seen firsthand how a lack of knowledge can impact a military spouse and affect family

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transition. As an active-duty Air Force member for 21 years, I have guided and mentored over 9,000 military and civilian personnel in the Department of Defense. Additionally, as an Air Force Development Advisor, I have provided counseling, reenlistments, and professional development advice to over 375,000 military members and their spouses. Military spouses have had to take volunteer opportunities and odd jobs to contribute to the household.

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how much of the military lifestyle was picked up by spouses. When I shared examples of military jargon, they understood 98% of the terms given to them. When the 15 spouses were asked to write a resume, only 25% put something resembling a resume together. The things service members struggle with are also difficult for spouses.

What Is Important in a Resume?

So after going through all that, what could possibly stand in their way of landing a great job? Like service members, it’s the dreaded resume.

be so robust. I am worried that my skills will not be highlighted on my resume when my family transitions to the civilian sector.”

Passing on the Wrong Information

As a military member myself, it was ingrained in my head for years that all I needed to do was copy and paste my accomplishments or my evaluations to a resume, and companies would hire me. Worse yet is when military spouses and service members both fall prey to the same employment and resume mistakes.

While active-duty military members have had the privilege of having an annual evaluation report to document their job performance, community involvement and selfdevelopment, military spouses do not have this advantage.

The Institute for Emerging Issues shows that, on average, military families relocate or experience a permanent change of station once every three years, often requiring military spouses to leave their jobs on short notice. Christina, a military spouse whose significant other has served in the U.S. Marine Corps for 18 years, stated, “My resume was lacking because we moved a lot, and the issue was conveying my experience.”

I recently surveyed three members from each service branch. I wanted to understand

As an active-duty military member, I have asked many military spouses and Human Resource (HR) professionals this question. Here are the top three things they think are important to pay attention to while you update your resume: 1. Using free templates can be an issue. While you think this is a great idea, many HR managers stated that the formats can hinder you from putting as much information as possible about your professional experiences.

Sometimes, going with the traditional resumes is the best.

Mark, whose significant other serves in the U.S. Navy, also stated, “I took any job I could, and because I took the odd jobs, my resume did not have to 24 | NMSN Magazine

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NOVEMBER 2023

2. You don’t have to make money. Many spouses said the feedback they received about their resumes did not include their community service.

Their recommendation is to highlight that you have interests and motivations outside of doing your job.

Looking for community opportunities can show how you filled in the gaps when you didn’t have a job.

Military Jargon

Civilian Sector Terms

Medal

Award

Personnel Office

Human Resources

PCS

Move, Relocate

TDY

Business Trip

LES

Pay Statement

Leave

Vacation

Commissary

Grocery Store/Supermarket

Shoppette

Corner Store

DFAC

Dining Facility

Battalion, Unit, Squadron, Platoon

Organization, Agency, Department

Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Guardians

Personnel, Individuals

3. Don’t forget to document your strengths. Employers want you to believe in yourself enough to objectively document your skills. Visit a library or look at books that can show how you use phrases to show your value.

Leader

Supervisor, Manager, Executive, Trainer, Official

The Transition Employment Assistance for Military Spouses and Caregivers is a Department of Labor employment workshop that extends the Department of Defense’s Transition Assistance Program (TAP) to assist military spouses and caregivers as they plan and prepare for their job search to pursue their employment goals. While the programs are great, and you can attend them as many times as you want, only a short amount of time is spent on developing resumes. So what are the recommendations: 1. Keep a running list of any jobs and volunteer work you have done. It may seem minor, but the biggest lie we often tell ourselves is that “we will remember what we did.”

2. Use military spouse networks and resources.

Most military installations offer a Spouse Education NOVEMBER 2023

and Career Opportunities Program (SECO), employment readiness programs and employment partnerships. Take advantage of what is offered today, tomorrow is around the corner.

3. Place value on your community service work.

Many military spouses have worked on their bases and local communities. Showing community activism on your resume will show your professional skills and help offset any employment gaps.

4. Be specific, concise and straightforward. Long resumes can hinder your ability to get hired. You want a hiring manager to be able to scan your resume for your value and experience quickly.

5. Do not get caught up in military jargon. You may not be aware, but being connected to the military for two years or two decades means that you may subconsciously be using terminology that the civilian sector may not understand. nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

By following these tips you will not only be ready to transition yourself, but you may even be able to help your service member prepare their resume. Here is a military-to-civilian resume cheat sheet that may help you both.

Here is a resume template to get you started: Download Resume Template.

Jermaine King is a senior United States Air Force leader with over 21 years of experience leading and innovating within large organizations with over 52 leadership and project management certifications. He is a 2023 Stand-To Veteran Leadership Program Scholar and received his doctorate in organizational leadership. He is a LinkedIn influencer, a keynote speaker, an executive leadership coach and a lecturer for four universities covering topics like adult learning, ethics and strategic leadership.

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