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28 APRIL 2008

Were the V8s a success? It is decidedly so – They certainly were. Only about half of Hamilton’s hospitality businesses went bankrupt overstocking for the over-hyped event. The rest were fine. Also, crime was low and public-transport use was at an all time high – proving that we truly do live in Opposite World. Is it wrong to be turned on by the smell of summer rain? Yes – golden showers are for sickos. You sicko. Magic 8 Ball, will I get a part time job any time soon? Cannot predict now – not while you’re spending your time spanking it to Internet porn. Seriously, stop it. You need to get out more. Is it possible for American Gladiators to get any better? Yes – with the addition of actual weapons, instead of that foam-based pussy shit they’re using at the moment. Think. It’d be just like the Roman days, only instead of armour and tridents, you’d have Kevlar and Tasers. Would changing Hamilton’s name to Hammil-ton (to capitalise on the success of Mark Hammil who played Luke Skywalker in Star Wars) be a good idea? Signs point to yes – imagine how awesome it’d be if we did this. First the V8s, now the name of a washed-up actor who just happens to be a Jedi. City of the Future, indeed. Is Hillary Clinton’s compulsive lying a supernatural ability, and if so, should supernatural beings be allowed to run for President? Yes – She is actually possessed by the Prince of Lies, who as we all know is Satan. Considering the last President, how much worse could she be? Remember – “better the devil you know…” Plus, if any terrorists fuck with her, she’ll fry them alive with eye-beams of pure Hell.


Will there ever be a universal student allowance, with happy debt free students all discussing the beauty of Marx in a green world powered by the wind? Reply hazy, try again – after the smoke clears. Hot-boxing before asking the Magic 8 Ball questions is not a good idea. Man, I’m hungry. Are you really the King of the Quick-e-mart? Don’t count on it – the Real King of the Quick-e-mart is Jesus. Because he’s the King of everything, get it? You, however, are merely the King of Stupid Questions. And AIDS. Why? It is certain – that Magic 8 Ball questioners have been taking too many Philosophy classes. The answer is 42, incidentally. Now what was the question again?

Send in your entries to with “caption” in the subject line. If you win, you will not only receive a Burger Fuel voucher for one entire meal, but you will also realise the gender you were born as is not your natural one. You will have a sex change, and immediately become personally successful and sexually satisfied, and your parents will accept you for who you are. Advances in medical technology will allow you to produce children, regardless of your chosen gender, and you will live to a ripe old age, surrounded by your family. *A very accurate measurement of funniness. 10 humours make a Giggle, 10 Giggles make a

Is the Student Hub finally being built? Better not tell you now – because when the shops are demolished, the portal will open and the Creature that lives under the Lake will be released. Older than sin, darker than the grave, he will devour the souls of the unholy, and those who do not bow before him he will feed to the Vice-chancellor.

Guffaw, and 10 Guffaws equal one Laugh. The funniness of a given publication can be measured in laughs. For instance, Nexus usually rates around eight laughs per issue, whereas a serious publication like the Listener will usually only get one or two. Comedy publications like Investigate magazine can have as many as 20 laughs a page.



Thinking about postgraduate study? Join us for Postgraduate Week at New Zealand’s leading research university. From 12-16 May The University of Auckland is providing information sessions, displays and presentations to give you everything you need to know about postgraduate study. We look forward to welcoming you.

For more information and to register visit: KingSt07806_NEX_A


WEEK 1M2 16 AY

Monday - Arts, Engineering, Theology Tuesday - Business, Education, Medical and Health Sciences Wednesday - Science, Medical and Health Sciences Thursday - Business, Education, Law Throughout the week - National Institute of Creative Arts and Industries showcasing special exhibitions, concerts and presentations

1.What did you do over the semester break? 2.What’s the worst thing you’ve done in a hotel/motel room? 3.How was the last date you went on? 4.Are you in a relationship right now? How long? 5.Would you go out with me? 1.V8’s, drank, tried to get some work done 2.I’ve only ever stayed with family in hotels 3.Shoot, um a disaster! 4.Yes and no and maybe so, depends how he classes it. 5.Why not!

1. Homework and drinking 2. I head butted the wall 3. Reasonably good 4. Yes, since New Years 5. Sure, you’re a stand up guy

1.Work 2.Emptied a minibar and ran out when it was under somebody else’s name 3.Fuckin’ choice 4.Nope 5.Of course I would

1.Looked after myself and spent time with my fiancé 2.I used to work in one and me and a bunch of other staff cranked up the air conditioning in one room and smoked pot and did a bit of coke too 3.It was a long time ago, it was a very drunken night 4.Yes (engaged) 3 years 5.Yeh, I’d take you out for a beer ISSUE 06


FEATURES Nexus Issue 06 28 APRIL 2008 Editor: Joshua “Love is my bitch” Drummond ( Design: Talia “Girl Next Door” Kingi ( Advertising: Tony “Stud” Arkell ( 021 176 6180) Assistant to the Editor: Andrew “Space Cowboy” Neal ( Music Ed: Carl “Attached” Watkins ( Books Ed: Kelly “Bookish” Badman ( Film Ed: Art “I’m in Agony” Focker (

Contributors Nakita Wairepo, 8 Ball, AJ, Vitamin C, WSU, Carl Watkins, Burton C. Bogan, Fergus Hodgson, Kelly Badman, Jed Laundry, Josh, Andrew, Talia, Dr Richard Swainson, Matt, Mammoth, HCAC, Flash Medallion, Art Focker, Guy Moskonovitch, Dawn for continuing to visit me and for the thrashing at Puzzle Bobble, Blair Munro, and Chris at Mark One (cheers, man)

19 X+Y=? Solving the eligibility equation Wintec writer Nakita Wairepo asks why it’s so damn hard finding a significant other in Hamilton – and what to do about it


Check out the Rant of the Week on page 18, AJ’s Karnage-tastic Uni Games roundup (with pictures) on page 26, Gordon Dawson’s Comic Review on page 33 (and be in to win!) Also, check out our review of The Spiderwick Chronicles by all-new Film Editor Art Focker on page 35, and ace webcomic Garfield Minus Garfield appears on page 38


8 – 13 Uni games roundup, Banks being destroyed, Poo smell source Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Because it means other people do the work


discovered, University buys late historian’s house, Karl Pilkington plastered around campus, Good gear bikes, Watch the patriarchy pay lip-service to female army contributions or something, Real estate study methodology ridiculously flawed, Student rent boys, and the Nexus Haiku News


WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS? EMAIL OR OR call 07 838 4653 OR 021 176 6180

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton

PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

This one is brought to you by the contributors who went out of their way to get stuff in by Wednesday night, because the printers opted to honour Anzac day by slacking off and we had to be ready a day early. To everyone who was late: I hate you now. Jokes. But not really.

REGULARS AND RANDOMS 03 Magic 8 Ball 03 Caption Competition 04 Moskonovitch 05 Low Five 06 Contents, but we didn’t need to tell you that. Or did we? 07 Editorial 15 Lettuce 18 Rant of the Week 24 WSU guff 28 Flash Medallion’s Puzzle Page of… something 29 A River Runs Through It 29 Sarcophagus Rex 30 Boganology 101 30 The Nerdery 31 Big Picture 32 Agony Art 32 Lectern 33 Comic Review 34 Books Page 35 Moving Pictures 35 Movie Review 36 Citric 37 DVDs 38 Gig Guide 39 Busted

And the winner is… public transport? WTF? The V8s have come and gone, just like the holidays. Now that the hype machine has been switched off, people are starting to ask questions about Hamilton’s biggest day. Like: Why did no-one buy food in town, driving several hospitality businesses to the brink? Why was the Entertainment Zone dead? Why didn’t anyone kill anyone else? And why, why in the name of Irony, was there less traffic in Hamilton than usual over V8 weekend? Luckily, these are pretty easy questions to answer. No-one bought food because they were too full of/busy puking up the $8 possum-burgers from the roughly 80, 000 shit-food outlets inside the V8s area. No one went to town because the V8 crowd were mostly (from what I could tell) middle-aged men and women with kids, and because motorsport fans prefer to get pissed at the track or while reminiscing with mates and a $20 box of Lion Red in their hotel than at Overpriced Bar X. No-one got killed because the Ford fans were too depressed, the Holden fans were too happy, and the kids and munters were too busy watching the broom-brooms. The public transport question is a little trickier. Visitors to the Tron showed a startling readiness to dump their cars on the outskirts and bus into town, in buses that can charitably be described as horrible. This was, in part, because of the Hamilton City Council’s hysterical predictions of Auckland-style gridlock, but I think it goes a little deeper than that. While we held our gas-guzzling festivities, the price of petrol crept up to $1.85 a litre. In more provincial areas, where many of the V8 visitors will have driven in from, it’s already $2.

We recently “celebrated” $10 Billion Dollar Debt Day, along with other student unions around the country. The mainstream TV media took the opportunity to film a five-minute clip of around 100 slightly bohemianlooking Victoria University students “marching” on Parliament. The Otago Student Union had a horizontal bungy. Woo! Our own Waikato Students Union had a “sentenced to debt” theme, with some very good pumpkin soup dispensed by a very sad-looking “soup kitchen.” These limp efforts were co-ordinated by the New Zealand Union of Student Associations, with the point being that student debt is crippling, imprisoning, terrible, debt for life, and so on, so could we all have a universal student allowance now please. It’s too bad it was all pointless showboating, allowing the real issues to get completely lost amid the pathetic displays. There will never be a universal student allowance. Not unless there’s a genuine, Governmentoverthrowing, shooty-shooty bang-bang, cities-getting-renamed revolution, or the Alliance and Greens come into power. So, never, then. Yes, I think it’s unfair. But that doesn’t change the fact that it will not happen. Why, then, do NZUSA and our own WSU continue to demand it? There are many more problems they could be dealing with, and are not addressing adequately. For instance, there’s the staggering cynicism of the Government deciding that anyone under the age of 25 is not an “independent person” for student allowance reasons. The hypocritical parental income assessments for student allowances. The fact that, what with the price of food and petrol, the $150 “living allowance” is just not enough to live off, and students absolutely must have a part-time job or well-to-do, supportive parents to survive.

It is becoming too expensive to drive. Let that sink in, because it’s very important. It’s never happened before. Notwithstanding the possibility of shortterm price drops (come on, America, for God’s sake. Sort Iraq out already!) it will only get worse. Commuter culture will die. It will become impossibly impractical to drive. In a country with seemingly no interest in building a decent public transport network, this is a very big deal indeed. Commodity prices will continue to soar. In a world where everything – quite literally everything – is tied to the price of gas, things will only continue to get worse. And what is the Government doing? It is spending roughly $10 billion dollars on new motorways in Auckland and Wellington. This is breathtakingly stupid and shortsighted. I can’t even begin to describe how insane this is. Which reminds me of another $10 billion dollar problem: Student debt.

Now, it’s obvious that a universal student allowance would instantly fix all of these problems. But we’ve already established that’s not happening. Students know that they’ve signed up for debt, and that the loan system is here to stay (and with Labour making it all nice and interest-free, it’s practically free money.) It’s not the debt they’re worried about, it’s the day-to-day grind, struggling with a joke of a living “allowance” and the many incompetencies and absurdities of Studylink. This is what NZUSA and the student unions should be concentrating on – realistic goals that, if achieved, would make a difference to students. If they concentrated on things students cared about, (or will care about, in the very near future, like being financially able to continue being a student, or even just being fed,) the ballyhooed “student apathy” would vanish just as magically as the Hamilton fog-weather did before the V8s.



News issue 06

Waikato students took a good haul of medals at the Uni Games, but not without incident. Five gold, six silver, one bronze and two Team Spirit Awards were won by the Waikato team of around 120 students over the event, which was held from April 14 to 17 in Rotorua. Controversy has surrounded the Uni Games this year with the Victoria University students

The team spirit award was awarded to the ultimate Frisbee “B” squad and the women’s hockey team for their efforts. Tuesday night saw a get-together for the Waikato competitors that featured ‘awesome’ drinking games and a ‘munty funnel’ according to team coordinator Dan Morales. “Everyone had an awesome time,” says Neho

getting evicted for trashing their motel. “All they have done is make it hard for student’s issues to be taken seriously,” said WSU President Moira Neho of the Victoria student’s actions. The University of Waikato team, nicknamed “The Tribe” stood out in their bright red t-shirts and overalls, and are reported to have a had a good time. “Everyone came together well, they socialized and competed well,” says Phil Gilbert, Clubs Development Officer. Gold medals were achieved in women’s soccer, golf, karate and surfing (held at Raglan) and silver was taken in team orienteering, squash, touch rugby, waka ama, women’s basketball and hockey.

Ultimate Frisbee competitor Andrew James was the only injury from Waikato, taking a tackle whilst in the air and receiving a hematoma knee injury. He continued playing but later ended up in hospital. Two gold medals were won by Sarah Campbell in Karate, who is one of a number of Hillary scholarship students from Waikato. The women’s soccer team took many top competitors along including Kath Robinson from the women’s soccer team who is a competitor in the National Women’s Soccer League as well as Alex Shadbolt and Nicole Stratford who are both Hillary Scholarship recipients. . One Frisbee team, who were not from the University of Waikato, were reportedly kicked waft while they were trying to eat, and went looking for the source.

The source of the mysterious poo smell which has had students saying “what the fuck is that?! and “Oh Christ Jerry, not again,” around the Cowshed and Oranga has been discovered! Nexus has held an intrepid investigation into the poo smell over the last several years, and Joshua Drummond, Andrew Neal, and Art Focker finally got fed up a couple of weeks ago, after the wind brought a particularly foul 8


out of the tournament for bringing a keg to one of their games.

After much searching, a plastic pipe was found that leads from behind the Oranga building and down to the bank next to the seating area in front of the WSU building. This leads to a set of open drains (or possibly, sewers), covered by a wooden trapdoor. Daring Drummond opened the trapdoor to be greeted by a wave of stench. “Yep, it’s shit all right,” he said. At the bottom of the trapdoor was a concrete basin which holds what is believed to be mouldering human excrement. Focker and Neal both lit cigarettes to drown out the smell, in blatant disregard of the possibility of methane explosion.

The Waikato ‘Tribe’ was sponsored by UniPR, Student Rent, United Video and Liquor King throughout the tournament. Media coverage of the Victoria student’s actions has been widespread, with motel owners and Hamish Hopkins, president of University Sport New Zealand, appearing on Close-up on April 21. Hopkins claimed that the motel owners “overreacted” to the situation and one owner saying that they would rather host pigs than students. An undisclosed amount of money was apparently paid to one motel owner from a Victoria student representative to help with the cost of cleanup.

The device – sewer, pipe, or whatever it is – is believed to have an “issue” with its size and the ‘fall of the pipe’ according to a University grounds manager. It is believed that these pipes are connected to the toilets in the second floor of the Oranga building. It has been reported by one student that these toilets are now “inactive.” “It’s up to the University to clean out this pipe, sewer or whatever and get rid of the smell that’s been tormenting students for years,” said Drummond.

April 28 2008

Banks to be destroyed Not in a communist way, either By Andrew Neal

The Village Green shops as we know them are gone. All shops, banks and cafés have moved into temporary offices underneath L Block as the current office spaces are due to be demolished. “The whole building will be going and a new one will be built in its place,” says project manager Tony Dicks.

The renovations are part of a larger project that includes the new student ‘hub’ at the library. It is planned that the Village Green area will link up with this area also. The Vice Chancellor has apparently asked for this linkage to make the campus a vibrant place. “There will still be heaps of room down [at the village green] but all the shops will be bigger and so will the veranda,” says Dicks.

When the shopping area is rebuilt it will be made to house the original vendors including the Banks and STA Travel as well as housing the Campus Dairy, Student Job Search, the Campus Dairy and certain food outlets. The renovations will take the rest of 2008, but should be ready by A Semester 2009 and will cost over $3 million according to Dicks.

Plans are to have a single, large roof that will connect the University from the library and student hub all the way through to the WSU offices. A single ‘gull-wing’ shape has been chosen for the roof that will be guttered internally and will slope up towards the bus stop. Some shops will also face the bus stop to give the area more flow.

Relocating the businesses has not proved too troublesome with one STA Travel employee saying “The new locations are better than we envisioned.”

Coloured plans will supposedly be available for public viewing soon.


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News issue 06

Waikato University has bought the Coromandel Peninsula house belonging to late New Zealand writer and historian Michael King. King and his wife Maria Jungowska died in March 2004 when their car left the road on a notorious stretch of SH2 at Maramarua. Now, the university has bought the house that King built in Opoutere, near Whangamata, on the Coromandel Peninsula. It is intended to be used as a retreat for staff and perhaps visiting academics and is being seen as the beginning of other tributes to the writer. Vice-Chancellor Professor Roy Crawford said King had played an important part within the university. King’s long association with Waikato University began in the late 1960s and the 1970s with his Master of Arts and his PhD. He was a fellow of the Department of History in the early 1990s, and in 1994 spent the year

as writer in residence. Eight years later he returned as senior fellow in history. He was made an honorary doctor in 2002 and had been working on a history of the university when he died in 2004, although this has never been completed.

“We’ve got so much money, why not waste it?” Vice-Chancellor doesn’t say Professor Crawford said that when King’s children, who live in Wellington and Christchurch, decided to sell the house where their father did so much of his writing, the university was given the chance to continue its link with the eminent historian. The threebedroom house was built in the late 1980s/ early 1990s and sits surrounded by bush on more than 6000sq m.

“We see it as a wonderful opportunity to honour Michael King’s memory by keeping his house as a place where staff can further their research, or small groups of staff or graduate students can use it for research or writing.” The university, which took over the house early this month, paid just over $700,000 for it, well below a market valuation of $820,000. In order to maintain close links with the King family, they will continue to have the use of the house between December 18 and January 18 until 2013. Some mementos of King’s will remain in the house, as will his large writing desk, although this remains the property of the family. Professor Crawford said the house would not be a shrine to the writer, but it was hoped it would be an inspiration to those who spent some time there.

April 28 2008

Waikato students arrived at University on Thursday April 10 to find notice boards and university landmarks plastered with flyers stating “Congratulations to local boy Karl Pilkington – World’s Roundest Head,” with an image of

“I was just in at uni not so long ago and I saw a bunch of people laughing at the posters, it was a great moment.” Xtinanz continues The clever posters placed one flyer on each of the large letters of A, K, L and R Block on

a round headed man – Karl Pilkington – in the centre. The posters are part of a worldwide prank by British comedian and actor Ricky Gervais to make fun of his friend and radio co-host Karl Pilkington. Photographs of the posters were placed on both the Pilkipedia website and ‘world’s roundest head’ blog at around 6.30am Thursday. Xtinanz on one of the Pilkipedia blogs has laid claim to posting the flyers. “It really didn’t take too long, about 45 minutes between three of us. We did get up at 5 though, which was a suckfest but the fun of it all was worth it,” Xtinanz wrote online.

campus and placed photos together to spell out KARL. The poster have drawn accolade from Karl Pilkington fans online. “That is *awesome* stuff xtinanz, I’ll add them to the gallery,” says one online contributor. “WOW!!! Well done, xtinanz!! ScottHanson will be so proud!” says another. Photographs of the posters were claimed to be the favourite of the manager of ‘world’s roundest head’ blog. Karl Pilkington appears on Ricky Gervais’ podcasts and radio broadcasts alongside Steven Merchant. As a result of the poster campaign, Karl Pilkington has now refused to do another podcast with Ricky Gervais and Steve Marchant.

“Good Gear” bikes for hire Ha, “good gear.” See what they did there? With the push of a button students can now hire “good gear” bicycles on campus and in Hamilton. Good gear bikes which uses technology from Germany in which people can use their cell phones to rent a bicycle. “The concept of putting bikes for hire in public comes from Europe, there are around 21000 bikes like these in Paris,” says Ken Hulls of Good Gear. Once a customer is registered they can receive a text to unlock the bike they desire instantly – despite the message having to go to Germany and back.

All the Good Gear bikes around the world are run through the same system. The bicycles feature advertising to keep the cost to the customer down. In Europe the bicycles are considered part of the public transport system and are subsidised by local councils. In New Zealand it is completely entrepreneurial. The Good Gear stand is located by A Block on the University of Waikato Campus.

News issue 06

ANZAC wimmin honoured

This press release brought to you the ever-patronising patriarchy. When the Last Post echoed out this Anzac Day, special tribute was paid to the vital part wartime women played in the New Zealand war effort. “Our wartime women were quiet heroes,” says Hamilton Mayor Bob Simcock. “Whether knitting socks for the boys on the front, stretching rations or being ‘manpowered’ into essential industries – making do was their mantra,” Simcock continues. A large number of women were ‘manpowered’ into essential industries during World War II, one of which was ammunition production, specifically relocated to Hamilton to reduce the risk of coastal attack.

In Dey Street two new factories “Norton” and “Galloway” were purpose-built, employing 1200 local women who produced 74 million rounds a year. At peak there were two eight hour shifts, six days per week to keep up with demand. Other women helped out as recruiters on top of their home duties and efforts to raise morale for the boys overseas. Hamilton’s official 2008 Commemorative Service commenced in Memorial Park at 10am April 25. The service included an address from Hamilton Mayor Bob Simcock and musical pieces from The Rivertones.

Real estate website survey ‘criminally fucking inept’, says impartial researcher By Rory MacKinnon

A recent study claiming that student flats drag down neighbouring property values may have serious flaws in its methodology, according to investigation by the Aotearoa Student Press Association. The survey by online property directory found that students were “neighbours from hell”, ranking only behind squatters as the least wanted over the fence. The survey also claimed that students devalued neighbouring properties by up to 10%, costing the average homeowner $33,750 in lost profits. The survey’s findings were widely reported in the New Zealand Herald, the Christchurch Press and the Manawatu Evening Standard.

However a call to allrealestate’s publicist, Giselle Pethard, found that in some instances the survey asked the 242 respondents to simply guess the answers. The brief questionnaire asks, “who do you think make the best and worst neighbours?”, and allows respondents to select students, squatters, pet owners and others from a multiple-choice table, but does not ask respondents whether they have actually lived alongside them. In another section the survey simply asks the subject, “What percentage do you believe living next door to a student flat could devalue a property?” Again, the questionnaire does not ask whether the subject has lived alongside students or whether their own property value has been affected.’s findings do not appear to have been correlated with Statistics New Zealand data or actual property values, but were published in a press release claiming that living next door to students is “bad for your wealth”. “The financial price of living next door to a neighbour from hell could have dire consequences to not only lifestyle, but also a home’s value”, the press release said. Pethard referred all further questions to the website owner Shaun Di Gregorio, but told ASPA reporters he was away in Melbourne on business. Neither Pethard nor Di Gregorio had commented further at the time of print.

April 28 2008

Rent boys launch

Blatant plugs for commercial enterprises can be obtained via bribe – contact Andrew Neal Two Waikato University students launched a website last week to help students all over the country find somewhere to live. The website works in conjunction with the accommodation office at Waikato and others around the country lists flats, rooms and flatmates.

is doing a Bachelor of Communications over a period of nine months. “It’s been a hard road, we’ve had to go round and talk to all the Universities, like we drove all the way from Christchurch in one day once,” Ryan explains.

“We decided to use the website in conjunction with the accommodation office so that it was free to manage and advertise for students,” said Ryan. The website is designed to carry listings from individual students and real estate companies alike.

The idea for the website came after Ryan and The website was created by Business Analysis student Mark Ryan and Simon McEwen who

By Drummond-san (with guest haiku by Neal-san) Clinton’s 10 point victory reignites race Just like Bill: From Monica to Bosnia Lying proves popular Clinton says US could ‘totally obliterate’ Iran Oh. My. God. With these kind of rants, We must ask you, Bill, Who wears the pants? Helen Clark named ‘Champion of the Earth’ Whoa, Helen

McEwen discovered that there wasn’t a site dedicated purely to student accommodation or that was free to use.

Hits on the website are estimated to reach 80,000 and 100,000 and advertising space on the site will help to keep it running.

You’ll need a new husband – Last name “Planet,” first name “Captain.”

Snake washes up on Dargaville beach Dargaville diseases mean It was likely a Mutant man’s penis.

Scientists: Alps largest glacier gone within 20 years Sad retreat of glaciers Should silence some antics Your move, “sceptics” Government should delay planned petrol tax, says forum They’re planning more taxes! To build roads, no doubt Irony knows no bounds

Guest Haiku on Zimbabwe elections Mugabe makes up result Africa dosen’t want to know He’s still a cunt Slumping car prices hit dealers hard Dealers find Petrol price a bit of a bind Advice: Invest in bikes

so too will KiwiSaver. From 1 April 2008, if you’re 18 or over and you’re a KiwiSaver member, your employer will start contributing to your KiwiSaver account too. They’ll begin by paying 1% of what you earn to your KiwiSaver scheme, increasing this by 1% each year to reach a maximum of 4% from 1 April 2011. Your employer will get a tax credit from the government to help them meet the cost of these contributions. KiwiSaver is the easy way to save for your future. It’s voluntary and easy to join. You can ask your employer for an information pack, or contact a KiwiSaver scheme provider directly. Then you just have to choose whether you’d like to save 4 or 8% of your earnings, and your employer will deduct this from your wages. Or, as long as you both agree to it, your employer can help you reach the minimum 4% contribution until 2012. Easy. Visit for details Call 0800 KIWISAVER (0800 549 472) Mon–Fri 8am-8pm, Sat 9am-1pm KiwiSaver. Making easy work of saving.

TTT 8048

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Txts to the Editor! Nexus now has an all-new TXT-in service! Send Letters to the Editor - via text - to 021 235 8436. They can be about anything – but if it’s something in the magazine, so much the better. We’ll print the best ones, so get texting! There’s a prize for text of the week as well. We don’t know what it is yet, but it will be awesome. Don’t forget: You can send Busted pictures in by pxt! Send us your best snaps of you or your mates in Busted-type situations to 021 235 8436. Do it it.

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be kept under 250 words and be received by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be) but if it’s a serious letter we’d prefer you to use your real name. Send letters to

Dear Ed, Grammar Nazi, I was quietly happy when I saw a letter in the latest Nexus from a self-proclaimed Grammar Nazi. I agree with the sentiment of their letter, the overall level of writing ability demonstrated in the Lettuce section is well

SAUDI FACTS, STATISTICS, CAPS LOCK KEY STUCK Dear Taufuq (a traditional greeting of compassion, which is more than Saudi Arabia has for its female citizens) You’re a true blue moron you know? The argument that there are 260 Saudi students at Waikato doesn’t back up your argument one bit. All it says is that there are 260 students at this university who come from a country where women are not permitted to drive on public roads, where child offenders are executed (as they are in Iran and Pakistan, another two shining examples of human rights in the Muslim world) and where a woman can still be

below that of a primary school. However, I completely disagree with the first sentence “I really wish you WOULD correct the spelling and grammar of the letters you print”. The best part of Lettuce is the horrible spelling and grammar used by apparently intelligent people (well, beside the retarded opinions some letters put forward). Where else can we see such obvious proof that most people are idiots? (On

second thought, don’t answer that, the proof is everywhere). Sure, it is annoying in some aspects, and incredibly discouraging for the state of society, but if you put that aside it is also quite humorous. And finally, why should the editor waste time trying to decipher meaning out of these letters and then correcting them accordingly? Green Griffin

tried for being raped, as she has engaged in fornication and may be punished under Sharia law. Typing in caps, you ignorant pig, is not an argument. My facts and figures come from websites such as Amnesty International, the United Nations pages on human rights abuses and Human Rights Watch. Saudi Arabia had slavery until 1962, when it freed about a third of their slaves. Just because I think that Saudi Arabia is a terrible country with terrible human rights doesn’t make me a racist. It makes me a realist. Which is more than I can say for you. Quit living your life with your head inside your ass and do some research for yourself. I’m not going to be there to hold your hand when

you realise that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is not a bed of roses, but a terrible, oppressive oligarchy. These are real facts. And as for your comment on my tolerance, I’m not going to be tolerant of a nation where these things are going on and I’m not going to fucking accept that this kind of activity is in anyway. I’m not a racist, but now I’m confident that you’re a sexist and an idiot. You can reply if you choose to do so, but I suspect your reply will be another capslock heavy tirade calling me a racist and just generally proving yourself to be a colossal stupid-head. Sally Focker


PH 07 856 6813

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ADDRESS Gate 5 Hillcrest Road



Non-WASP kids: Not broke, definitely angsty hey Nexus. We would like to write back in regards to the pathetic letter sent in by ‘Dr.T’ First of all we would like to start off with the statement that the studylink ‘living costs’ is paid out to help students with living costs, not to accommodate students, you ignorant brat! We call you a brat because it seems to us that you are from a family that have spoilt you in the past! (like the little kids on that TV programme ‘Super Nanny’!) The ‘losers’ which you say only get 35k a year

And I will have you know that my parents don’t earn near to bugger all, my father has just stopped working! and I will let it be known that my father is a well known person within the Education sector (both Maori and Pakeha sector’s) So i don’t think that is much of a loser now is it! I am still eligible for the Allowance, but choose not to take it as I will not be able to work part time as much as I do! At the end of the Day it is all you to personal choice! If you choose not to get a part time job, that ain’t Studylink’s fault, that ain’t the rise in the cost of bread and milk’s fault, that ain’t your landlords fault, that ain’t even you parents fault! that is your personal choice!

you budget your money and controlling your spending!

All we got to say to you is harden up! - get off your mommaz titty and stop being a baby - and get a Fu*King JOB!!! (Or move in to cheaper Accom!) Next time man up and put your real name on here aye! (must be a loser! - cant spell his/her name!) yours sincerely, Joleen and T’Neal! (the two Academic Winner’s) LOL

I am a student who gets the Living costs, I use to be entitled to the Allowance when my brother and sister were at uni, and I don’t see my family struggling, and I don’t class my parents as losers, or myself!! (I would like to see you call my parents and family a bunch of losers to their face!! - I dare you to try it!)

The darn thing won’t start! Davina bought a new lawnmower, but is having trouble starting it. What are her options?

hip hop dance

are all hard working people, who are trying to make a better life for their Families, so that they can further themselves and come to uni! Everyone is deserving of being at uni, there is no economic criteria in the uni application form is there??? You say that ‘the kids who’s parents are both losers - are also losers/destined to be.’ Are you saying that people who are in bad socio-

economic status are all going to end up failing in life and become nothing more then another person for the government to worry about? However, we found your statement rather funny! Because Destiny must have caught up with you already! Seems like your parents must have been losers, Because seems like you are the loser! We also feel that you over exaggerated the amount of 100k! come on mate that is a bit steep don’t you think!! I no of people who have mean as jobs and are able to save their money and keep a good lifestyle and only get 35k a year! Their is nothing wrong with having a pay role of only 35k a year, it is all in how

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The University branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other hassles you might have. They have heaps of pamphlets and a huge data base to help answer anyone’s questions. Visit them at the Cowshed from 1pm – 3pm daily during semesters or phone 838 4466 extn 6622 or 0800FORCAB. By the way the Consumer Guarantees Act states that goods must be of ‘acceptable quality’, which in this situation clearly means a new, reliable machine. Davina can ask the shop to repair the mower so it starts as it should. If they are unable to do so within a reasonable time, or refuse to do so, she can ask for a replacement new mower without the fault, or get a refund. A refund under the Act means exactly that – a full cash refund – not a credit note, and not a refund less deductions for anything related to the failure of the goods.

The other Nexus

Johnny Loves Lettuce

Security no-show?

Hi, I have had some articles read to me from a nexus magazine but only have the details that it is from the feb/march issue. The articles are about lack of goodness in our foods and in the soil that our produce is grown in. It had a senate document in it in regards to this information also. Could you let me know how i can get hold of a copy (online or hardcopy) of this issue and wether it is an 07 or 08 issue. i see your online issues only go to August 07. Look forward to hearing from you

Hey nexus! I’ve always wanted to put a letter in the lettuce bit because its so much fun. To hear people making fun of shitty letters being sent about O’week, WSU, and comments from people who think they’re gonna insipire,outsmart or make ‘a connection’ with some bum reader makes my day nice. I have nothing to say about those things, or anyting at all to say in actual fact. So have a good day, listen to some good music (I recommend: The old Prince by a guy called Shad. mean rapper

Hey Just wondering if you were aware of the burglary that happened at the dairy up by the cowsheds/Student Union Building on Saturday night. If you talk to Brett (the dairy owner) you will get an interesting perspective on the lack of security services that are provided by the university. It seems that this is not the fault of the security services team but a lack of funding that allows them to provide sufficient protection. Having one security guard on between 12am and 6am to cover the whole

Kind regards Wallis Rose

from Canada), have fun ignoring your lecture and yelling at people from your mums ‘91 civic cos its so mean fun aye.

campus is not really good enough. So much for keeping students safe. I was wondering if Nexus would want to get in on this and use it as a chance to educate students about the security services (or lack of) that is being provided with all the fees we pay? Maybe run a small piece about what is covered by security? Something that could highlight that we need better security measures. I think that if students knew about this, they would be interested in supporting the push for improvements like CCTV.

Hi Wallis, We’re a student magazine and we’ve never run an article like that. I suspect you are thinking of the other “Nexus” magazine, which describes itself as an “alt-science” magazine and is a compendium of flim-flam, poppycock, bullshit and lies. I advise against reading it, lest it make your eyes and brain bleed. (Then again, plenty of people have described us the same way, so perhaps it is us you’re after.) If you’re after some actual information on soil/nutrition, Google or Wikipedia are probably good places to start. The Nexus website should be up again around the time of the Second Coming – Ed

shit this wont make it till after break, im gay. Johnny Segment

“World’s best free email service,” isn’t, apparently I would like to officially voice a complaint about gmail. How much more confusing can it be, I have to re-enter all my contacts from the last 3 years; it has a weird, unfamiliar layout; and you wouldn’t even believe how long it took me to find the compose mail button! Everything is spread out all over the place and hard to find. I don’t know why they didn’t, as the oldies say, “just leave well enough alone” and changed our email server in the first place, but if it was absolutely necessary why didn’t they change to something everyone is familiar with, like Hotmail. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Regards Vanessa


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As a former Toe-rags (Tauranga) resident it has shocked me somewhat to discover the envious, jealous, green-eyed ape women that lurk amongst the ole fair city of Hamilton. Now, calling me a slag, tramp or hoe-bag would be a fair call on a Thursday or Saturday night due to my uh... minimal attire (I must admit.) But screaming out those kinds of profanities during any other time of the week is just uncalled for! Take for example, me walking to Uni on a Monday morning dressed in jeans and a singlet and being screamed at by some crazy bitch driving past me for what I am wearing. What the fuck is up with that?! And I am not alone, many a female (and possibly the odd male) is being verbally attacked by these raging, envious ape-women that zoom around in their car yelling at every who-whatsit that poses as some kind of ‘threat’ to them or some shit. I must admit being a tall blond does not help the situation but as the mental illness add states, “know me before you judge me [mothafucka]!� I’ve had enough of these Hamiltonian cave-women who seem to feel so threatened

by a singlet and jeans that their only way of making themselves feel good is to scream out their jealousy in the form of a clever, original, witty one-liner such as, “sluuuuuuuuuuuuut!� Just because you rolled out of bed in something resembling a homeless person that has the remains of last nights dinner spilt on the front of it don’t go getting all enraged by the sight of someone looking good in clean, fresh clothes. Simply have a shower, and if possible, put something unsoiled on. You’ll feel much better for it and your confidence should skyrocket. Problem solved. However, if you do not have access to a shower (or your usual bathing spot at the Waikato river has been taken) and you find yourself using a dictionary to find the definition of ‘clean clothes,’ and you’re still so intent on attempting to insult me for what I’m wearing then... go ahead. But at least be staunch and say it when you walk past me (not when being a pussy and driving in your car) so that I have the opportunity to practise my ninja moves on your face. Peace.

I have a theory: There is a shortage of eligible females/males aged 17-25 in the Waikato. My curiosity about this was sparked by reading an article that said that an increasing number of women found it difficult to find a boyfriend. I decided to do check it out after a recent conversation between some friends. Kate*, a 24 year old receptionist, is currently single, and it would be generous to say her last relationship (over a year ago) was a satisfactory one. “I think I’m defective,” she exclaimed to me and some friends. “Why is that?” someone asked. “Well, I’m 24, I have a good job and I wouldn’t say I’ve been beaten with the ugly stick, but I don’t have a boyfriend.” She was right, too. Kate had a lot going for her but simply couldn’t find a suitable companion. And the sad truth is that Kate is not the only lonely soul out there. Men and women alike are facing a shortage of eligible companions throughout the Waikato. Why is this? There are over 18,000 17-25 year olds in Hamilton city. Surely it’s not that hard to pick someone out of the crowd and call them your

hunk-aspunk. I decided to inform the single among the rising in the Waikato region that they are not alone, and yes, Mr/Mrs Right is out there. Or are they?

I decided to start my research at Wintec, seeing as it’s a hotbed of people in the appropriate age-group and I’m a student there. Every day, hundreds of students work and socialise together in Wintec’s Student Hub, on the city

I’m 24, I have a good job and I wouldn’t say I’ve been beaten with the ugly stick, but I don’t have a boyfriend.” campus. I go there and ask some questions. From a random selection of 50 students in and around The Hub there were – unsurprisingly – more females than males. Most were single and in the target age group (17-25). It’s well known that there’s a gender imbalance in favour of girls at most tertiary institutions. It’s a lesser known fact that Hamilton itself suffers from a similar problem. Someone’s bound to get left out. A convincing 80% of people I talked to agreed there is a definite lack of eligible members of their opposite sex in the area.

Statistics back this theory up. Like our current water shortage, could we be facing a serious man drought? Bear with me while I spiel off some statistics. From the 2006 census we are told that Hamilton has a population of 129,429. Of that, approximately 18,645 are aged between 17-25. Females exceed males 9498 to 9147. By my calculations, there are around an extra 300 17-25 females in the Waikato that may never find love. Neilsen Media Research conducts face to face surveys annually and has found the ratio of single women to single men in the Waikato could be as much as four to one. Associate Director John Brown told the Waikato Times he didn’t know why the “noticeable gap” exists. One reason for the gap could be migration. “It would appear, anecdotally, that males are leaving to work overseas and don’t return, while females are more likely to stay,” says Brown, a Londoner who emigrated to New Zealand with his Kiwi wife. “Women want to stay where their family is. They are more affected by the gravitational pull of the family network,” he says, though he admits this is just his opinion.



There’s another factor at work here: The fact that plenty of the Hamilton population doesn’t see themselves staying here permanently. Ashley, 21, says she “doesn’t really care”. “I don’t think I’d want a guy from Hamilton anyway; they’re not overly appealing. I want a man who will take me around the world and that’s goal orientated.”

Next, I asked them to flip it and list three dodgy, disgusting personas. Girls stated the biggest turn-off was a guy with a big ego. Guys weren’t really in agreement about what they didn’t like about a girl, although some said swearing, bad hygiene and high maintenance. Others said turn-offs included rude, nosey, and antisocial.

But Te Rina, who is 18 and plans on staying, says these statistics are “a bit sad” as she would like a guy from around

Along with their favourable/unfavourable traits, I asked what students first noticed about the opposite sex.

this area because they could relate to her. “I wouldn’t want to marry some Aucklander who would want me to move to the city. It’s too busy and the traffic sucks. Plus, all the guys I’ve met from there are so up themselves.”

Both sexes agreed the way a person looks is an obvious attraction. Daniel, 20, says eyes in particular are big head turners, and the majority of students agreed with him.

So what are people looking for in a mate? I asked students to list three qualities they found favourable in the opposite sex. Both groups rated a good sense of humour as highest preference. (Didn’t see that coming – Ed) followed by outward appearance. Intelligence was another favourable trait, as well as honesty. Some minor features included monetary status, sincerity, friendliness and good arms (good arms?). Guys tended to focus more on the physical features of a girl like eyes, smile and body. Girls, on the other hand, were more likely to prefer more worldly things 20

such as wealth, taste in music and occupation.


Romeo, Romeo; where for art thou Romeo? My final question asked students where they go to find guys/girls. Places people are on the prowl for partners include classes, parties, church, beaches and even petrol stations. Some said they don’t “look” anywhere. Two percent of girls and four percent of guys said they don’t go in search of partners because they either wait for others to come looking or they enjoy the single life. The majority, though, said clubs were a hotspot for young Waikato singletons. Wow. Who would have thought? One of Hamilton’s most popular clubs, Bahama Hut, can host up to 1,000 people on Saturday nights.

As a focal point of Waikato socialism, Bahama Hut 2IC/ Operations Manager, Jason McCarthy is in the thick of what he describes as a “meat

all sweaty and shaky and drop your drink, it’s no good either.”

market,” and, as he says, he’s seen everything.

A recent Waikato Times article, titled “He said, she said - Mixed signals,” agrees. Someone who can carry a good conversation is much more likely to be successful than a nervous, mumbling, mess.

Jason has worked in the clubbing industry for eight years and has seen his fair share of successes and dismal failures when it comes to approaching members of the opposite sex. “I remember a guy who was talking to me at the bar one night, we had just opened and there were only about 50 people in the place. There was a group of girls in a booth and he

really wanted to talk to one of them so I told him to take over a tray of drinks. He went over and started chatting away then the chick just whacked the whole lot out of his hands. I felt real bad for him.” Jason says his experiences in the Bahama Hut have taught him how to talk to people – but, more importantly, how not to talk to someone. “I see hundreds of failed attempts; guys getting slapped in the face for saying some corny line or they’ll buy a chick a drink and she’ll just walk off,” he says. “You’ve got to pretty confident and sure of yourself or you’ll look like a loser. You’ve got to dominate the conversation from the word go. It’s not being super cocky; you’ve just got to be confident when you’re talking. Most guys will go up to a girl and tell them stuff like, ‘I’ve got a mean car’ and ‘I can get from Tauranga to Hamilton in 30 minutes’; stuff they don’t want to hear. But if you act too sheepish-like and get

“Having a satisfying conversation is everything in having a connection with your new hottie. Sometimes the best conversationalists are just really good listeners. Ask questions and draw the person out, listen and ask more follow-up

questions. There is nothing so flattering as seeming like an interesting person, and once you have someone talking, then the ball is rolling, and you are forming a bond.” In the bar scene, Hamilton’s unequal guy/girl ratio gets turned on its head. On a normal night at the Bahama Hut, guys exceed girls by about 2:1. “We’ll turn groups of guys away if we think we have too many and say go get some girls,” says Jason. I asked Jason if he thought there was a shortage of females in the area. He said there is “defiantly a lack of quality in Hamilton. Not quantity; just quality”. He doesn’t know where all the “good ones” are but says they aren’t in town on a Friday night. “Hamilton’s renowned for disgusting girls,” he says, bluntly. “Some of them are pigs. They’re rude, they’re stuck up, they punch

holes in walls. The most disgusting place in this entire building is the woman’s toilets; without a doubt. I have to replace a toilet seat probably every week. I have to get a plumber in to unblock the drain every week. We have a plastic plant in there and they rip the leaves off. They draw on the walls. Some of the most disgusting things I’ve seen have been in the girls toilets.” I asked Jason what he thought about people going to clubs to find members of the opposite sex.

Finally, I asked Jason, if someone was coming into town on a Friday night with the goal to find a partner, what/how would he advise them to: Drink? “Anything out of a bottle that you can’t spill on someone.” Dance? “Let the girl take the lead.” Look? “Keep it simple.” Act? “Be yourself. Be confident. Don’t be a liar.” Smell? “Good. No B.O.” Wear? “Stick to stuff that fits you.” Say? “Listen and reply. Also don’t talk

He said he is aware that it happens, but doesn’t think it’s the best place to go.

about your exes – no-one cares.”

“It’s a meat a market,” he says. “People don’t come here because we sell vodka or Woodstock; they come out to meet people. By the end of the night it’s like, ‘You’re alright, I’ll take you home.’”

Chivalry: Dead? Ah, young grasshopper. You come seeking knowledge of this sacred matter. Teachers open the door but you must enter by yourself.

“I know chicks that come into town and don’t buy a drink all night; they don’t spend a cent. They’ll just leech of a guy all night or an array of dudes. I don’t know any guy that can come out and not spend any money. I’d be impressed if they could. It’s more appealing when a group of 4-5 girls stick together. It’s kinda gross when chicks are all over every dude that walks past and know every guy in the room; it makes you think, eww.”

Likewise, in years gone by, Wintec journalism tutor Charles Riddle courteously opened a door for any female in need of such a service. Riddle comes from South Africa, and says when he came to New Zealand he had to adjust his manners. “I had to learn not to open doors for women as it wasn’t really done over here,” he said.

Jason advises guys to stay in groups as well. “Iif you get turned down you have your mates that you can go back to. And a guy looks like a bit of a stalker if he’s standing there by himself looking across the room all nigh.”

Waikato University Psychology Lecturer, Dr Cate Curtis, believes the reason for the perceived decline in chivalrous behaviour



overlook what’s right under our noses? When somebody absolutely perfect comes along, do we pass them by, thinking the grass is greener on the other side?

is because we live in a more casual, less formal society. “The days of men opening car doors for women have passed. When women walked into a room men would stand; we don’t really see that anymore. Likewise, we don’t have the same sort of respect for our elders and we don’t write formal letters to people using Dear Sir/Madam.” Dr Curtis says this doesn’t mean people have any less respect for each other; there are simply other manners and behaviours that have taken over.For example, around 50 years ago a man would have sent a formal letter via messenger to a lass he fancied expressing heartfelt devotion. Today, a nice text message might be sent by either party expressing a compliment of ‘hotness’. It’s also easy for attempted chivalry to be taken the wrong way. Jonathon, 25, recalls the date with his “dream-girl” that went disastrously. “Rebecca was the hottest thing to walk the planet. I worked up the courage to ask her out and I was stoked when she said yes. I planned to take her to this semi-flash restaurant then out to Raglan for a midnight walk along the beach. All was going well until we began our drive to the beach. I decided not to tell her where we going because I wanted it to be a surprise. She began to get really quiet and looked uncomfortable. I didn’t know what was wrong and when I pulled in to a petrol station she jumped out of the car, ran to the



Rachel Long, 32, is still looking for Mr Right. guy behind the counter and claimed that I was trying to kidnap her. Needless to say I keep surprises for birthday parties only now.” When trials befall you keep in mind this helpful proverb: A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a man perfected without trials.

She has been proposed to three times but has found something wrong with each and every suitor. “I’ve been told I’m too picky but I just haven’t found my soul mate yet,” says Rachel. Dr Curtis says that when it comes to choosing a mate we like people who are like us.

Now, bow to your sensei. Lower your standards, don’t aim so high. Shoot for the ground, instead of the sky. As if a gender imbalance, the lack of places to find partners, and the decline of chivalry weren’t enough, its’ also been suggested that our standards – for boys and girls alike – are way too high. The Gender Trap, a book by Carol Adams and Rae Laurikietis, suggests the media continually feeds us ideal images of the perfect mate. “What we see has become more important than what we hear. Often we’re not really aware of what is being put across, but in fact the messages are slowly filtering through to us and affecting our ideas about ourselves and other people,” they suggest. Are we all too preoccupied in finding our Jessica Alba, Channing Tatum or a ‘Noah’ (see The Notebook for details) that we may

“We like people that have the same sets of values that we have; same hobbies; same sort of music. You instantly feel that there’s a stronger connection with people who are like you.” Joanna Hunkin, a blogger for, says there is something really special about meeting someone who feels the exact same way about an album or band as you do. “It creates an instant bond between you and a mutual understanding. They get ‘it’ and therefore get you.” We also tend to like people that like us, according to Dr Curtis. This makes sense, I mean; I’m not going to give my heart and soul to a person who can’t wait to get away from me.

Rachel Long, 32, is still looking for Mr Right. She has been proposed to three times but has found something wrong with each and every suitor. “I’ve been told I’m too picky but I just haven’t found my soul mate yet,” says Rachel.

Dr Curtis also says that some of our mate preferences are genetically or biologically based.

There are also plenty of social factors that can potentially have an impact on us; that’s why people have different tastes.

“Women tend to like men who are tall, who have brood shoulders, a narrow waist and who are muscular because in centuries gone by that would have been a man who could have gone out to provide for you and hunt down that wildebeest. Men tend to prefer women that have an hourglass figure because they’re going to be good at producing children.”

“We all don’t see a person walking down the street and go ‘oh, isn’t that person good looking and isn’t everybody else ugly,’” says Dr Curtis.

We also tend to want a partner who is similar to us. This goes beyond personality and into things like looks. We want a partner who is as good looking as we are. If you have a partner who is much better looking you may feel insecure. In addition, you’re unlikely to choose a partner who is not as good looking as you because you think you can get somebody better.

There are also things like how we were brought up, what our parents look like and what our family look like that influence our opinions on what ‘good looking’ is. People’s attitudes can also vary in the same culture and over time, says Dr Curtis. “There was some research done in America that found that African-American men prefer women who are much plumper than white women.

What is eligible?

Also, what men considered attractive 50 years ago; people like Marilyn Monroe, these days people would think she was a little bit on the plump side.” Conclusion? Inconclusive! What can we make of all this? There’s certainly a gender gap – girls outnumber guys in Hamilton. While, theoretically, this is great news for the guys, there’s a problem – the girls aren’t going to the clubs, where the guys are. So the conclusion is… girls should go clubbing more? That doesn’t seem right. With the world growing ever more tech-focussed, informal and alienated, it looks like the old-fashioned “luck” method might be single guy or girl’s best bet. Seek, and you will find. Hopefully. So I leave it to you, singletons of the Waikato. Armed with the knowledge gained by this article, I expect everyone to go out and find the love of their lives. If that doesn’t work, well, there’s always internet dating.


Dating Tips with Jase

/ellijib’l/ • adjective 1 satisfying the conditions to do or receive something. 2 desirable or suitable as a spouse.

Bahama Hut 2IC/ Operations Manager, Jason McCarthy, knows what he’s on about when it comes to people going to clubs.

Here’s what some of you said defined an eligible bachelor/ bachelorette: Amanda, 22 says, “An eligible bachelor is someone who has career aspirations and is well groomed”. Aden, 20, says, “An eligible bachelorette would firstly have to be single. They would have to be funny and able to carry a good conversation. They would be able to care for themselves as well as others and they would have to be honest”.

Here are his top three pieces of advice: • Wear good clothes – “There’s nothing worse than seeing a guy with their jeans falling off or wearing their little brother’s t shirt that’s turning their arms purple. Also, the amount of chicks I’ve seen try to squeeze into tiny little tops, argh!” • Confidence is key –“If you think you’re a loser, others will think you’re a loser.” • Don’t try to be someone you’re not – “Don’t tell people you’re a pro Jet Ski racer when you’re not. It’ll just look stupid down the line when they find out you lied.”

Jasmine, 22, says, “I think any guy who is kind, caring, thoughtful and funny would be classed as eligible”.



Prez Sez I’m sure most of you are aware that UniGames was held in Rotorua in the past couple of weeks; and if you didn’t know that it was going to happen it was pretty hard to miss the bad press that the games got because of the drunken antics of Team Vic and a few others. For those of you wondering where Waikato fits into all this madness and if “The Tribe – Team Waikato” was one of the teams that were threatened with eviction, the short answer is – no. We were not.

activities and by taking out several medals in a variety of sports.

Our UniGames team – The Tribe, was made up of 130 sporting students from across the university. We stayed at Keswick Christian camp in Holden Bay who received one noise complaint the whole time the team was there and that occurred on a night when transport arrangements to town got confused so the Tribe were hanging around camp longer than was planned (good times to be had at ‘the noodle bar’ – thanks Scat). As a team the Tribe worked hard and played hard – in every sense of the phrase. They may not have won the overall competition but they made their presence known by getting involved in all the organised social

having fun the Waikato way despite the pouring rain.

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So while some other Presidents around the country are left defending their team’s behaviour; I want to congratulate the Tribe for being great ambassadors for the University, and for getting out there and

Before recess we commemorated (or commiserated if you like) $10 billion dollar day. Student debt is ballooning and the government doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it. By the time you have read this I would have met with Labour MP - Sue Moroney, and hopefully been able to communicate our views about the need for Universal allowance to be introduced. There’s never any guarantee with this kind of discussion but what it does do is introduce the needs of this region to the people who are trying to represent us at a national level. Speaking of representing at a national level, I’ve mentioned this before but there is a student allowance review board (SARB) of which both myself and Pene (your VP Maori) are student representatives on. If you get declined for your student allowance application you can ask for it to be reviewed by this group. In the past month I’ve sat in on three reviews and have one up coming. At least one of those had the decision overturned and the student had the allowance granted – so it’s definitely worth going through the processes if you find yourself in that position.

No Diet Day: Celebrate with a Cheesecake! Joanne Bisset No Diet Day is coming up on Tuesday the 6th May. Ladies, this is a reminder that we should be celebrating our bodies and all of their difference sizes and shapes! It is a day to recognise that we shouldn’t be conforming to some ‘ideal’ body shape that we are expected to look like. We are bombarded with pictures of beautiful girls with tiny figures that are unrealistic for most of us to achieve, and somehow we have adopted this body shape in our narrow definition of beauty. Much more curvaceous figures used to be considered the most beautiful, but we shouldn’t be aiming for some ‘magic’ size that is dictated to us as the most desirable. No Diet Day is a day to make a statement and love your bodies – diversity makes life far more interesting!

VP Overview Orange means “go faster” By Olivia Newton-John*

It has been a busy and varied few weeks since

Fun and games for all. Dates and venue will be

contributes to the cultural aspect of the

I wrote my last column. But to keep this short and sweet, I have chosen two things that I would like to highlight.

confirmed soon. Hamilton students, you are welcome to attend as well.

University. Every year, they set aside some money for student initiatives, things that you want to do. So if you are interested, at any time during the year, come and see me or email me on and I can help you fill out the application forms and get your idea rolling.

And secondly, Firstly, on the 8th of April I spent my first, very successful, VP in Tauranga day. The outcome of which – some awesome events and WSU initiatives in the pipeline! The first event…an end of semester party. And what would a party be without a funky theme…wait for it…a traffic light party!! Dress in red if you are in a relationship, green if you’re single and looking, and orange if you’re not quite sure.

Lobbying and representation focused at government is one service that is worth touching on. According to Ruth Dyson New Zealand is in a position of having the lowest levels of unemployment since 1979(13 April 2008 Beehive press release). Judging by the recent strike by doctors, perhaps it is now time the country started working on getting New Zealanders wage levels up.

Do you have an awesome idea or event that you would like to do on campus? Will it contribute to student culture? Are you too poor to make it happen?

*actually Olivia Beattie, but we made you look

If so, you can apply to the cultural committee for funding. The cultural committee funds initiatives and events, and art, which

How is the next government intending to address the gender pay gap that is at 14% here in NZ? If you compare dollars for dollars 14% may not seem much, but if we begin to talk Purchasing Power Parity there is a 30% deficit for women in the workforce. The threshold for parental income testing needs to be addressed. We have a segment of the student community borrowing to live. This is conditioning many 18-25 year olds to an indebted lifestyle. Perhaps a living allowance

For all the mature students don’t panic, it’s not a flash back to the late 70’s early 80’s T.V series about the Korean War (by the way the T.V series went for longer than the War). That’s right Gen Y, there were wars before Iraq and Iraq 2: Return of the Bush. But this is only a teaser to get you all thinking: What the hell is M.A.S.H. I will say that it is going

for all could minimise this taking place, considering any person not taking the time to invest in personal development such as tertiary education can sit back on an unemployment benefit. Anybody interested in getting on board and helping devise some ways of raising awareness for those involved in this years election so as to bring constructive and creative ideas to the table in dealing with student issues, drop me a line. Jeffery Hawkes -

to be appearing at different areas of the campus during cultural hour in May and will have catchy phases like “Put it on Plastic” and “A healthy body means more than just going to the gym” so watch out for M.A.S.H coming to a space near you in May.



AJ’s Uni Games Karnage Kolumn Special Roundup Incorporating Some Elements Of Party Review Nexus “Beer drinking at work” policy to be reviewed By Andrew “AJ” James

Spill lager meg glad, skjønt dansslag fyller mitt hjertes innholdet. Games make me happy, although dance battles fill my heart’s content.

the form of scare-tactic dancing. AJ and Damo then followed up with a display of devastating robotics which with no surprise, the other

The night brought a much needed trip to the pools where P-Dawg, sporting some gorgeous swimming trunks, showed some Vatuvei-like

In the opening week of teaching recess the 2008 University Games were held in Rotovegas and ‘The Tribe’ from Waikato competed skilfully and more importantly, socially, in their events. The team from the ‘chang were staying at Keswick Christian Camp, and thank the lord Jesus Christ, what a blessing this abode turned out to be…pun intended. With a mixture of shithouse weather and the excitement of being in the smelliest city in the country, there was a damp odour of sulphuric joy in the air. First things first was the policy briefing at camp K, it was boring as expected although a fire warden had to be appointed, and fittingly the most intoxicated member of the Tribe, Scotty, volunteered himself to be the responsible one...Tui billboard. Monday’s event was the opening ceremony and wow, what an explosion of dance or aggressive enthusiasm as we like to call it. With the chant of the Moo-loo raging and the Tribe making a well-organised late entrance it was a patriotic passion pit with the fellow universities. Scotty penetrated AUT’s defence and infiltrated their team with an array of arm throwing in

universities had no answer to. The highlight of the night though was when Scotty, Glen, and Lauren busted a triple shoulder stack that even Burger King would be proud of (even the media enjoyed it, a picture of the stack made the local newspaper). Many of the sporting events were washed out on the first day of play but the Ultimate Frisbee teams had an epic showdown against each other with the final result being 6-4 to Waikato A, after a wet workout of a mammoth 105mins. The soccer girls played a couple of rugby games smashing their opponents 17-1 and 9-3. ‘Black Betty’, the unofficial Waikato funnel, came out to play in the camp auditorium on Tuesday. Every sport team had to nominate one person for a hose of liquid gold, even Big Dan, the Tribe’s team manager guzzled down a fat one. Massey Wellington came to enjoy the festivities which included mass drinking games and toped off with tripping out to the strobe on stage. Wednesday was a much brighter day on the field and a lot of our teams made tracks into the finals with a specially strong showing at the golf with 3 out of 5 in medal contention.

offence in the game of water league. For those that didn’t venture into town from camp K, a new bar was opened in the kitchen of the villa, called ‘Noodle Bar’ which included a techno pit and a space to make your feed of noodles on the kitchen bench (see photo). Finals day brought a sackful of medals for the Tribe; soccer, golf, squash, waka-ama, orienteering, karate, surfing, touch, and hockey all picked up medals of varying colours YEOW!!! Now for the finale...the closing ceremony was a conundrum of sorts with Kora and a local reggae band lighting up the arena. The boisterous crowd took its victims via trampling, strangling, and head injuries but all in all it was a success and the majority hit town cutting some circles and squares in the grumpy hole and lama bar. So that’s the general karnage encountered by the krew from our dearly beloved ol’ misty. Keep your ears out about the post party. Autobots, roll out! Decepticons, eat shit! P.S There is 100 metres between the two main bars but Rhett still managed to get lost for 2 whole hours...MUPPET!


Important news from three weeks ago has nothing to do with haka, sea urchins Andrew Neal

Around 160 people turned up to compete and watch the annual Hakinakina Maori sports day on Wednesday April 2. 9 teams competed in touch, netball, shape making and a krump off battle. The Latter Day Saints single adult’s team won the overall event followed closely by the Te Aka Matua team. 26


The Waikato Students Union (WSU) and the office of the Pro-Vice Chancellor Maori sponsored the event putting on Kai for everybody attending. “It was so great to see Maori coming together and celebrating being Maori” says WSU Director Ben Delaney.

There was some carnage at the event with one competitor being taken to hospital after hurting his back, possibly from slipping on a banana peel, as the WSU provided fruit for the event. Music pumped the whole afternoon with WSU directors Ben Delaney and Whetu Taukamo MCing. “Everyone had a great time,” says Delaney.





I was told to write about the V8s weekend, seeing as I normally write about Hamilton, the V8 Supercar series recently came to Hamilton, and I’m normally right about Hamilton. Here’s something you probably didn’t know about the V8s: Whenever I’ve tried to type ‘V8s’ in the last few weeks, I’ve always typed ‘V*S’ instead, because it seems natural to leave my little finger on the [Shift] key when referring to it. That’s how huge they are; if V8 Supercars was a text based computer file, it would be all capital letters, all the time. The hospitality industry got shanked that weekend. The council told us all that the streets would be packed with people, that bars needed double staff, everyone would get rich, and if they had said that little men would eat everyone’s brains if they didn’t cover every available surface in a racing chequered flag pattern, I’m sure most would have been willing to believe them (and purchase little poison-tipped crowbars). Instead what happened was... well, nobody is sure. All

Blair Munro is going to go on a shooting spree if you don’t read his column Let’s rap kids. I’d first of all like to thank Art for his efforts in raising awareness about the ducks. I’m not going to waste any space here talking about the signs I’ve seen that point out how evil the ducks are, but they are there. Damned one-footed salute to their evil master... Off the duck bandwagon, however, I’m just going to say that I don’t intend to get all political in this column. This here is meant for entertainment, and forcing my opinion on the masses, while humiliating the proud, and uplifting the downtrodden. You don’t read The New Zealand Herald for hard-hitting journalism; don’t come here for

the hotels got booked out, all the people came to Hamilton, went to the races and... disappeared? As I approached the corner of Vic and Hood on my way to work on the first ‘big night’, I was prepared for the worst. The weekend beforehand, all the fucking mongrels came out of the woodwork, like they could smell mongrelry on the horizon. So on that first Thursday, when I could see nobody on the streets and only hear a low hum in the distance, my heart sank as I reached for my poison-tipped crowbar. I’d heard of the Langoliers before, but had never come across them. Years of erratic sleeping patterns had kept me safe, until now. It turns out it wasn’t really Langoliers, rather it was handfuls of people on the street watching 3 News on a giant television. That was pretty fucking surreal, let me tell you. So, it seems that the Hamiltonians all stayed home. Australian cities are said to be looking at Hamilton as a model for how to run the event. Hamilton can be a shining beacon in

political debate. That said, I was on these here Internets, trying to buy a minidisk player (the missing link between archaic CDs, and present day mp3s), while I decided to troll around YouTube. Innumerable videos on the site are from people with opinions far less awesome than mine, complaining about media prejudice, and politics, and something else that I wasn’t paying attention to. My point is, to these people, stop trying so hard. If you really want to make a difference, get a fucking degree, and stop moaning about it. Bit dumb of me to write this in a University magazine, but we’ll ignore that at the moment. I don’t try hard, and I’m fairly confident that one out of the 10 thousand or so University students has already laughed at least once during this piece. See, my ideal career would be to become a stand-up comedian. It’s not by virtue of any

the world of events in which people can wear Holden jackets and headbutt the womenfolk, with our groundbreaking ploy of scaring the living shit out of the townspeople so they stay locked inside their houses, fearfully clutching their poison-tipped crowbars. Analysis: There exists a baser force, a more distilled stereotype, that terrifies even the mighty Woodstock-drinking, glue-sniffing, puppy-drowning Jonathan Q. Hamilton. In much the same way that evil overlords across the planet fear Hilary Clinton, Hamilton fears motorsport fans. Speaking of fear, ATTENTION HAMILTON: STOP FUCKING CLOSING KNIGHTON ROAD. I went to get pizza during the nightglow and I swear (Josh was riding shotgun, he heard my roadrage and can back this up) ( I can too – Ed) I was going to make a hood ornament out of the fucking old rusted crotch woman who was arguing about letting my drive back to my house.

talent in that respect, more for the social aspect, and the fact that people would pay to hear me talk for an hour. Hell, I’d open a bar for the same reason. But regardless of whether I achieve my dreams, or settle for biochemical terrorism as a career, it’s not going to be about politics. I see no reason for someone like me (completely unqualified to talk about the subject) to talk about the subject, unless those government bastards raise taxes again. I fucking hate Pikeys – I mean taxes. Well that’s pretty much it for another week. Actually, I may have another career lined up, if not stand-up comedy genius. What about urinary catheterisation for prostate cancer stricken war veterans? Not only do they have kick-ass stories, but it provides me yet another excuse to take the piss.



nerdery. Jed Laundry

As I sit here, idly contemplating life and why I didn’t escape my Alexandra Street apartment here in sunny Hamilton for the V8s (I started writing this on the 19th.... at 1am), there is one of the question that keeps going through my head; why do people want to be on NZ Idol so badly that they’re willing to sing with their drunken voices? I mean, if I were a judge, probably the first criteria in making a decision of who to put through to the next round

to cause fewer arrests than a normal Friday night.

the street, all while not consuming one’s entire vessel.

No, I’m not just rambling away at 2am.

But the point I’m quickly going to try to get at; the same problem occurs in technology. People either don’t read or don’t care until something really bad happens. Despite all the warning signs, like a giant wet thing ahead, people still blindly trust their GPS to lead them into and out of a lake. To the general pleb, figuring

would be the quality of their singing voice. But alas, I can’t make a technology column out of drunken singing. What I can make a technology column about though is something that hit me earlier on in the night as I was driving home; the ability of out-of- towners to either disregard or have no initial knowledge of Hamilton’s city liquor ban, but yet still manage

doesn’t surprise me, what with all the signs up all over the place letting people know what’s what. It also didn’t surprise me that the containers bared shocking resemblance to the ones used at the Waikato stadium (I sadly once was a Red Badge, I would know). It shows true dedication to sneak out of the games, get in a car, find a park in town and then walk down

things out takes up so much valuable time. Not to mention, it’s so much easier to go wait on hold for 30 mins to yell at someone over $2.62 (yes, I know someone). Maybe I’m just bitter, but people really need to expand their information bandwidth. Now, where did my earplugs go...

recognized as a sign of infidelity! The origin of this use of the horns has been said to derive from the legend of the Minotaur, who was born from one Queen Pasiphaë’s fucking a white bull, betraying her husband King Minos of Crete; the most prominent proof of the betrayal (the horned offspring,) was taken as its symbol. I have to be honest, stories like this crack me up. I know they’re part of tradition and I can see their function but how weird would it be for your wife to give birth to some weird kid with horns…actually that’d be kind of cool. They would own at bull rush (no pun intended). No wonder they played games with it by putting it in a maze and letting it fuck up adventurers. If only this were in the days of cameras, that would be a reality television show I would watch. “The Minotaur has spoken – You Die!” Okay now I’m sounding like a Man o’ War song so I’ll move on. We all

probably know the popularization of it by Dio. His Italian grandmother used it to ward off the evil eye (or moloch). I’ll leave you with what Dio said when asked about the Horns

You see, the people I saw while driving home, a group of obvious Auckland-based Holden fans, probably had no idea that walking down Thackeray St clutching bottles and cups of beer, was against Hamilton city bylaws. It


The Origin of the Horns - Mano cornuta I’m bored, so bored in fact that I did the dishes and my laundry. That is something no Bogan should have to do. So now I’m on Wikipedia and looking at shit. Thus, this Boganology is actually semi-educational. Mano cornuta or the ‘horned hand’ was particularly interesting so I thought I’d share, cause sharing is caring. As you’ve probably already guessed, this is the Metal symbol, devil horns, rock on symbol or whatever you wanna call it. Apparently in ASL (American Sign Language) it also means “I love you” if you extend the thumb, and ironically it’s also part of the word bullshit (look up profanity in ASL for some cool stuff). I’ve also learned that in my trip to Portugal I better be careful who I give the horns to, because in Portugal it’s 30


“I doubt very much if I would be the first one who ever did that. That’s like saying I invented the wheel, I’m sure someone did that at some other point. I think you’d have to say that I made it fashionable. I used it so much and all the time and it had become my trademark until the Britney Spears audience decided to do it as well. So it kind of lost its meaning with that…It’s just a symbol but it had magical incantations and attitudes to it and I felt it worked very well with Sabbath. So I became very noted for it and then everybody else started to pick up on it and away it went. But I would never say I take credit for being the first to do it.”

With Fergus Hodgson

The Downfall of the US Dollar The ongoing financial struggles of the United States have brought more than their fair share of doomsday forecasts, but an ever-nearing outcome is the end of the US dollar’s reign as the World’s dominant

assets in 2006 and a share price of $172 in 2007. In March the Federal Reserve arranged with JP Morgan Chase for an emergency loan and buyout of Bears and Stearns in order to prevent a market crash; but by that

currency. American leaders and their central bank may be responding to the stumbling economy and weakening dollar, but they appear to be powerless in their efforts to perk up business confidence, and these very efforts, while helping in the short-run, are merely band-aids that are sowing the seeds for further instability.

time the shares were worth only $2.

Over the last year, many US financial firms have imploded or suffered great losses, inflation has been marching on alongside wearily low interest rates, and the US economy is now entering a recession. This situation is fostering a mad dash to get out of the US and escape the sinking ship, and with the US dollar plunging in value, investors are seeking alternative currencies, such as the Euro, and stores-of-value such as gold. So how does an apparently invincible nation come upon such hard times? With so much confusion and garbage information floating around, let us cut to the chase. Essentially, the US economy is suffering from poor monetary policy from the Federal Reserve combined with bureaucratic failures from those overseeing the financial sector. A currency gains value from its rate of interest and long-term price stability. On both grounds the Federal Reserve has failed. Under Chairman Alan Greenspan, during the late nineties, but particularly during the post 9-11 years of 2001 to 2005, interest rates were kept too low for too long. Consequently the money supply expanded greatly which generated inflation, risky loans, and a housing bubble that popped in 2007. Given the falling housing market, these risky loans have been coming home to roost as the security backing them has evaporated, and a “sub-prime” mortgage crisis has arisen. Coinciding with mismanagement by the Federal Reserve, the US Congress was aiding financial firms in playing games with their books, allowing bad loans to be valued at their original book value rather than their current market value. This charade was revoked in 2007 by new accounting rules that require banks to display the current value of loans. Subsequently, financial firms have found themselves between a rock and a hard place when preparing their balance sheets because many loans have had to either be written off or substantially devalued. Most notable of the losers has been Bears and Stearns, which had $US 350 Billion in

You might expect a reversal of the destabilising policies of the Federal Reserve and the US congress. Think again. In an effort to stimulate the economy and ward off recession, the Federal Reserve has brought on even lower interest rates and further expanded the money supply. Of course, they are merely delaying the negative consequences which will come at some point, but why care about what future leaders will have to deal with? Those overseeing the financial sector are playing a similar game of postponement. Finance corporations were told in March that they will be allowed to fiddle the books away from market values with “fair” values that consider “unobservable inputs” and mitigating factors, at least for the near future. Investors will continue to be deceived, but perhaps they prefer blissful ignorance to truth. Of additional concern should be the call from the US treasury secretary, Hank Paulson, for greater centralized control with the Federal Reserve. Ironically, when government officials and their side-kick agencies fail, they seek to expand their powers rather than relinquish them, providing themselves with even more opportunities to stuff things up. While the US currency will be with us for many years to come, inflation and an unstable US economy are mitigating its dominant position in world trade and investment, enabling the Euro to rise and compete for dominance, and leading more people to flee the fiat monetary system altogether in favour of assets with an intrinsic value such as precious metals and land. The institutions Americans turn to for salvation from inflation and economic crises, the government and the Federal Reserve, are only making matters worse. While the officials squirm and down-play the severity of their economic difficulties, few appear willing to address the causes. That’s hardly surprising; they and their incompetence are the causes. Fergus Hodgson has a B.A. in economics from Boston University. He currently studies political science and tutors macroeconomics here at the University of Waikato. Feedback is welcome at flh2@students.waikato.



LECTERN With Professor David Hamilton Dear Agony Art, I got really drunk a month or so ago, and in my awesome drunken state, I had the most awesome orgy and now I’m pregnant. How do I find out who the father is? And more importantly, how do I tell their girlfriends (they’re my best friends)? Also, guys, if you’re reading, I have Chlamydia! Italian @ Edin Dear Italian @ Edin, Well, aren’t you just Little Miss Whoreface! And I mean that in the good way, the way where I think we should see each other some time soon. But not until the Chlamydia has been dealt to. You’re pregnant though and that’s not really cool. I don’t want some foetal-type guy grabbing at my gear while I’m teaching his mama some fancy new moves. You may never know who the daddy is. Maybe next time you conceive it should be with one person, unless you’re in some kind of cult and its all part of the ritual. Otherwise, conception is a very important part of a child’s life and it is best for everyone if there are as few people there as possible. Finally, in regards to telling your best friends about your pregnancy, you really shouldn’t, unless you want to go through pregnancy alone. You really should have covered a few bases during your encounter with several men and women at once and maybe got some condoms rocking. You didn’t even think of the morning after pill? Chlamydia can be laid to waste with a single pill, but pregnancy sticks around a little longer. Dear Agony Art, My boyfriend is away from home for a few weeks and I would like to surprise him with a threesome with another girl when he gets back. The problem is that the last time I mentioned it to him, he wasn’t interested at all. And another thing, where would I find a willing girl for the job? I mean, I can’t just ask my best friend or anything. Please help, From Three’s Company. Dear Three’s Company I think what your boyfriend has here is a serious case of the gays. I can’t think of any guy in the world who would not want to have sex with two women at the same time. I’m pretty sure no guy who reads this column would pass up a chance like this, a chance to do what the ancient Mexican tribes called El Double-Taco Fiesta! Hang on. I can think of a few guys I know who would pass this up, but they’re all gay. Is your boyfriend gay, Three’s Company? Are you sure? Really, really sure? I’m sure as hell not sure. Finding a girl is the easy part. Most adult stores (such as the one in Frankton) have little cards up where men and women look for other arrangements of people to have sex with, be they partners, men, women or trans-gendered individuals. Maybe you should get a tranny involved? Would that make your boyfriend keen?



A brief comment on the infamous campus lakes… The campus lakes (Knighton, Chapel and Oranga) are ‘eutrophic’, meaning enriched with nutrients and occasionally subject to algal blooms. The shallow depth and small volume of these lakes – a legacy of the original excavation – make them susceptible to being eutrophic. Chapel is the deepest of the lakes and also has better water quality. The shallow nature of the lakes means that they have limited capacity to assimilate nutrients coming from the campus catchment (including the University grounds and some of the University’s stormwater system) and from the bottom sediments. Consideration has been given to deepening the lakes by dredging, but the problem is then what to do with the spoil? Creating islands with the spoil may be one option and offers an opportunity for wetland plantings on the islands. The lakes support a wide variety of native species (e.g. short-finned eel, common bully) and exotic species (e.g. catfish, feral goldfish, rudd and mosquito fish), as well as abundant populations of waterbirds (e.g. mallard ducks, shags, coots). Most coliform bacteria in the lake are likely to originate from waterbirds. Control of some of the exotic species of fish has been carried with fyke nets by Facilities Management Division in conjunction with the Department of Biological Sciences. Up to 1,300 catfish have been removed at any one time over three separate periods in the past. Complete eradication continues to be a problem and many of the exotic species are highly invasive through high rates of reproduction. Deliberate re-introductions have probably occurred also. In spring, harvesting of the invasive weed Potamogeton crispus is usually carried out in Knighton and Oranga Lakes by staff of Facilities Management Division. This weed grows prolifically as light and water temperature increase in spring. The short-term objective of the harvest is to control the weed that chokes the lake, while the long-term aim is to assist with removing nutrients that are bound up in the weed biomass. After the weed harvest, algal blooms tend to occur. These blooms are usually comprised of blue-green algae, in common with many natural Waikato lakes, and the blooms can occasionally be toxic – in other words avoid contact with the water (in case you contemplated it) and don’t drink it (of course!). The University is keen to improve the appearance of Knighton and Oranga lakes, and later in 2008 may embark on a restoration strategy involving control of exotic organisms and deepening of the lakes. David Hamilton is a Professor in Biological Sciences at Waikato University, and is also the Environment Bay of Plenty Chair in Lake Restoration

Amulet is a stunning example of just how good a comic can be – or should I say “graphic novel” or “sequential art?” Whatever you choose to call it, it’s good. Amulet is the story of a girl (Emily) and her brother (Navin) who discover the titular amulet, which turns out to be the magical key to entering – and ruling – another world. The amulet’s discovery kicks off a chain of events which involve the children’s mother being kidnapped by a Lovecraftian spider/octopus/thing and the children discovering a house run by steampunk-y, sentient robots who look a lot like stuffed toys. Then there’s the Amulet which is a character in its own right, and a manipulative bastard at that. Think Harry Potter if the magic wands could talk. Sure, there’s a dark elf-ish guy who seems to fulfil the conventional bad-guy role, but this is cleverly subverted by the duplicitous nature of the amulet itself. It’s really rather

sinister, but it’s the sort of thing that can be equally appreciated by adults and 12-year-olds alike. The art is spectacular. Kibuishi’s characters are drawn deceptively simply, rather like in Herge’s Tintin stories, which conveys more emotion than more complex drawings could ever hope to. The world is rendered in incredible detail, with detailed landscapes offset by moody colours that augment the fantasy setting.

Nexus has a copy of Amulet to give

Ostensibly a children’s book, Amulet is really a wonderfully rendered, poignant tale about alienation, power, and the ordinary bravery of two kids who get way out of their comfort zone. Excellently, it also has talking robot rabbits.

away to one lucky reader, courtesy of Mark One Comics. To enter, simply email (or drop into the office) your best picture of a robot rabbit. The last Nexus has a rabbit colouring-in competition on the Flash Medallion Puzzle Page, so you can use that if you like.

May 3rd 2008 @ MK1

What to expect • Get 3 free comics each - over 50 different titles to choose from! • 2000 comics will be given away by Mark One this weekend! • Extra freebies to the first arrivals - Early Bird Packs & Kids Packs!

• Mark One’s 19th Birthday Sale runs all weekend long!

• Doors open 9am to 5pm Saturday and 10am to 4pm Sunday.

• Mark One - just north of Centreplace on Victoria Street - across the road from Kathmandu.

551 Victoria Street, PH: 07 839 3728



By Kelly Badman

Title: What Was Lost Author: Catherine O’Flynn Publisher: Scribe Publications $27.99 Catherine O’Flynn’s What Was Lost is the captivating novel of a young girl’s disappearance and two unlikely people who solve the mystery ten years later, one with a secret that could break the other.

Adrian’s name might be cleared but in doing so, risk his chance at love? What Was Lost, for me, was an unputdownable, gripping read. The writing as young Kate at the book’s beginning was particularly well done; authentically voiced and engaging. The book has won much acclaim for the author, including the prestigious Costa First Novel Award 2007 highlighting her as an author to watch for in the future.

Title: If I Did It – Confessions of the Killer Author: OJ Simpson/The Goldman Family Publisher: Gibson Square Books Limited

Orphaned Kate Meaney is a ten year old detective who, with the help of Mickey the monkey, keeps her highly trained eye on the comings and goings of the council estate and Green Oaks, the local shopping mall. But when Kate vanishes, suspicion falls on her only friend, 22 year old shop keeper Adrian. Unable to bear being unfairly cast as the perpetrator, Adrian becomes Green Oaks’ second missing person. Ten years later Adrian’s sister Lisa now works at the Green Oaks Mall. She strikes up an unlikely friendship with Kurt, a mall security guard, who sees images of a young girl with a toy monkey in the CCTV monitors – an image no one else can see. Together Lisa and Kurt begin to unravel the mystery of Kate disappearance. But Kurt is hiding a dark truth about the day Kate disappeared. Should he tell Lisa so that

$35.99 Stupidity? Guilty conscience? Hungry for some more publicity? Why else, I asked myself, would fallen football star and sometime actor OJ Simpson write an account of his life with and the murder of his ex wife in “If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer.” Simpson takes us right back to meeting Nicole, then an 18 year old waitress and their turbulent years together. He continually runs his ex-wife’s reputation down, labelling her a drug addled, violent woman who associated with the wrong crowd. In contrast he portrays himself as the patient, long suffering husband who unwaveringly loved Nicole and tried valiantly to repair their marriage.

But it is the hypothetical scenario OJ paints of how he would have killed his wife and her friend Ron Goldman – if he were the murderer – that is the most compelling part of this story. When the idea for this book was first touted to publishers, it was done so as OJ’s confession. OJ has since sought to distance himself from it and blamed any damning material on his ghost writer’s imagination. But the fact remains that all the evidence in the case shows OJ was present at the murders (even though he was found not guilty in one of the most spectacular court cases in American history) and this is what makes his descriptions of what he hypothetically saw, heard and did in this chapter so chilling. If you were ever in doubt of his guilt, you won’t be after reading this book.

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With Dr Richard Swainson Two significant figures in film noir died recently. The director Jules Dassin and the actor Richard Widmark only worked together once but the result was an absolute classic. “Night and the City” (1950), a noir set in the seedy docklands of London, is one of the genre’s most cynical works. Widmark is at his low-life best as a down on his luck promoter willing to do absolutely anything to get ahead and, all too predictably, coming to grief. If the British setting lends a degree of novelty to proceedings and affords the use of some top class acting talent (Francis L Sullivan is particularly effective as a self-loathing fat man) Dassin’s dazzling visual sense and fatalistic tone ensure it still feels like an American production. Something of his own desperate personal situation, on the run from Hollywood, one step ahead of McCarthy and the black-listing henchmen, is communicated. Leading lady Gene Tierney had barely recovered from a breakdown and this is also apparent in her performance. Both Widmark and Dassin had earlier established themselves within the genre. Widmark’s debut is in many ways the most memorable of any major star. His giggling psychopath in “Kiss of Death” (1947)forever set

the standard for screen violence when he pushed a wheelchair bound little old lady down the stairs. Like Cagney before him Widmark’s bad guy persona was eventually softened as his roles shifted from the gangster figure to that of the policeman. In Elia Kazan’s “Panic in the Streets” (1950), for example, his crusading cop is no where near as memorable as Jack Palance’s uncompromising hoodlum. Yet in “Night and the City”, and Sam Fuller’s cold war masterpiece “Pick Up on South Street” (1953), Widmark is mesmerising, a minutely detailed study of flawed humanity. Dassin’s noir reputation rested initially on “The Naked City” (1948), a semi-documentary police thriller which was the first major production shot on location in New York city. His American career blighted by the McCarthy witch hunts, Dassin fled initially to London, and then France, then, permanently, to Greece. His greatest film in exile was “Rififi”(1955), the granddaddy of all heist movies most celebrated (and imitated) for a wordless ten minute robbery sequence. Dassin later successfully parodied it with a comic inversion, “Topkapi” (1964), but his biggest box office success, which also garnered him a wife and an adopted homeland, was the sex farce “Never on Sunday” (1960). Arguably though nothing in Dassin’s Greek period compares with his earlier work. Some of the above mentioned films may be rented on DVD from Auteur House.

Spiderwick Chronicles Starring: Freddie Highmore (twice), David Strathairn, Nick Nolte and a decent support cast.

Reviewed by Art Focker Normally children’s films are a little too hard for me to watch. The terrifying monsters are not really all that terrifying and the fates worse than death aren’t all that bad. Some young child finds they have a magical power for no reason and uses it to beat a creature far stronger, smarter and more experienced than them in a stunning finale, manipulating the laws of physics and common sense in the process. This in turns makes children the world over believe that they too could some day randomly gain super/magical/mutant powers and lay waste the school bully. The Spiderwick chronicles, however, kicked ass. A lot of ass. In fact, my ass is still sore while I write this review. I don’t think I’ve been more entertained by a children’s film since Shrek 2. Harry Potter, The Golden Compass, Narnia and the rest all get bent over by The Spiderwick Chronicles and taught who is boss. Not only does it have an amazing and believable array of special effects, it doesn’t

rely on them the way Harry Potter sometimes does. Sure, there’s a gryphon and there’s some invisible goblins that resemble the Gremlins with beer guts, but it’s the child actor’s response to these beasts that makes the film so good. In a nutshell, the story revolves around a book which contains the knowledge needed to see the invisible world of faeries, ogres and trolls all around us. An evil ogre (played just swell by Nick Nolte, who “acts” drunk and angry the entire time) wants this book and has to fight the three children who have found it ion their new house. Small children (two of them twins, played by Freddie Highmore with an awful American accent) versus a giant ogre shouldn’t be that much of a competition, right? Well, at least it wouldn’t be if one of the Freddie Highmores hadn’t read the book and now knows that various kitchen items can be used to slaughter the evil army in a variety of horrible and nasty ways.

While I highly recommend this for people wanting to take children to the movies during the school holidays, I must admit that a few bits gave me the willies. The rating said “Some Scenes May Scare Young Children”. That’s like saying “Jaws May Put You Off Deep Water”. The Spiderwick Chronicles was, by and large, a scream fest in the cinema I was in. I’m pretty sure the children in the row ahead of me wet themselves when the invisible goblins suddenly started dragging screaming children into the woods by their ankles, but it may have just been the cola I launched all over them when I got one of about three good frights. So, if your kids have good imaginations and area a bit jumpy to begin with, keep them the Hell away from this film. This is an excellent movie for fans of The Neverending Story and The Bridge to Terabithia to see this year. 4/5 (because it scared me)



Yes! Don’t Turn Your Back On Me Baby… Welcome back kids! You didn’t miss anything important. The biggest (and possibly only) musical thing happening in Hamtown this week is the show at Yellow Submarine (Ward Street), featuring Amy Racecar and Phony Bone. For the low down on the Phony Bonesters I cut and pasted this from the Racecar website ( “Phony Bone, Auckland’s premier Young Adult Contemporary recording artists, know how to write a pop song. In fact, on the evidence of their upcoming second EP, ‘Big Ideas’, they know how to write a few. In September 2007 they completed their first full-length tour of this fair country, presenting the new songs to much decidedly non-critical acclaim and dancing (especially outside of Auckland). The band’s two singers and songwriters operate from either side of the same line, one generally within his head and one almost always without, while the band’s upbeat indie-

pop meets them somewhere in between. Produced by Bob Frisbee in the underground bunker of engineer Damian Golfinopolous, ‘Big Ideas’ and its five tracks will rock your musical boat (wherever you happen to live).” Marvelous. The two bands are traveling together and playing in the 3 main towns in the North Island, Ak, Ham and Welly and for their Hamtown jaunt they will have the very capable support of The Damsels and Braxton Hicks. Next weekend, May 10 to be precision, The Mint Chicks swagger back in to town with The Transistors in tow. The Transistors are from Christchurch, have also visited Portland where the Chicks now reside, and are touring on the back of their debut single “Brand New Suit”. That’s about all I’ve got for you this week peoples, so head down bum up and have a good second half of Semester A. Send your music news or reviews to: - put Music in the subject line. Song of the Week: “I Can’t Tell You Why”, by the Eagles, off the album The Long Run.





(Virgin Records)

(Little Bushman)

Whatever it is or ever was, these guys have it in spades. Not content to lay down just one sublimely written album these four Brighton boys barely out of their teens have followed up their stellar debut, Inside In / Inside Out with this 12 track gem (plus bonus “hidden” track). It’s brash, it’s bombastic and it’s unapologetic, just like Rock n Roll should be. But, unlike a lot of the fodder around at the moment, The Kooks music is interesting too. Like every greasy machine it takes a bit of time to warm up, so after the requisite acoustic introspective beginning and the catchy single “Always Where I Need To Be”, things really fire up through the phat-ass mid-section of the album. Songs like “Gap”, “Love it All” and “Sway” show the band at full throttle the climax coming with “Down to the Market” before they gently ease off with “One Last Time”, lulling us back to normality with several hooky acoustic-based jams including the head nodding reggae rocker “Tick of Time”. With their variegated charm, the confident Kooks have again produced something intelligent, familiar - their music is steeped in the Kinks, Beatles, Thin Lizzy et al - and dare I say collectible. These guys are ones to watch.

Speaking of second albums. Pendulum is the much anticipated follow up to Little Bushman’s 2006 debut The Onus on Sand. This latest musical vehicle for the supremely talented Warren Maxwell also features ex-Hamiltonian Rick Cranson on drums – think John Bonham, Keith Moon, Ginger Baker i.e. amazing – and two other Wellington Jazz Conservatorium alumni, brothers Joe and Tom Callwood, on guitar and bass respectively. With these ingredients the potential for brilliance is high and this sophomore effort does not disappoint. Suckled on the more extravagant music of the 60s and 70s - especially Hendrix, Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd - Maxwell and his men set about tapping into that rich vein of limitless psychedelic and progressive music and setting their own thoughts and feelings to it. Any contrivance you could imagine is deftly sidestepped by the conviction with which the Bushmen set about their task. The music is authentic as it is flawless, both fresh and familiar, it doesn’t so much borrow as remake. So you’ll hear the bands and musicians mentioned above in this music but you’ll hear New Zealand and New Zealanders in it too, something few contemporaries have managed to achieve. And that is the genius of Little Bushman. It’s their music, it’s that music and it is ours too.

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Perfect Creature - Glenn Standring

The Johnny Cash Show

Reviewed by Vitamin C

Reviewed By Chris Parnell

Perfect Creature is a Kiwi Vampire Movie. Just let that sink in while I digress for a moment.

The Johnny Cash Show was a variety show that ran from 1969 to 1971 in the states, and was hosted by none other than Johnny Cash, country music man extraordinaire. One of the key words there, and perhaps the greatest legacy of the show, is ‘variety’. The series was made for middle-America family viewing, as a showcase of classic artists, currently successful acts, and up and coming talent.

Blade was awesome, right? That’s because it wasn’t a vampire movie, it was an action movie that happened to have vampires and Welsey Snipes (and Kris Kristofferson) in it. Underworld was average because it was a vampire movie with action (and lupophilia) in it. Perfect Creature is a vampire movie set in some alternate 1960’s steampunk New Zealand. Steampunk means that technology is kind of weird; everything is like it is now, except that it runs on steam and looks kind of run down, just like Palmerston North. The movie opens with Zeppelins, which was the high point of the movie for me. Zeppelins are pretty cool. I’m going to run a Zeppelin fleet with casinos and hotel rooms, kind of like a cruise ship but in the air. I might have Jay Lagaia with a bowler hat, just like this movie. Anyway, the gist is that vampires are genetically engineered superhumans who live in harmony with humans. They leave us alone and we go to church every now and then to give blood and they drink it. Antagonist vampire starts killing humans, so protagonist vampire (antagonist vampire’s brother) teams up with protagonist human policewoman to hunt him down. There’s a side-plot about influenza in there, and some social commentary on genetic engineering. Antagonist vampire is named Edgar, which is terrible name for anyone, let alone a bad guy, let alone a bad guy vampire. Good guy vampire is called Silus, which is a little cooler, but he ruins this completely with his vampire special move, which is cocking his head quizzically. Edgar’s athletic vampire-powers are represented by filming him climbing a wall and playing the film at 2x speed. Weta Workshop must have been unavailable. The production values are actually really good though, so the movie is as watchable as any other above-average vampire movie - just that it’s a vampire movie, so the Shortland Street actor spotting is funny.

The two disc set is hosted in a fashion by Kris Kristofferson, who was a friend of Cash’s and is a big name in the country music scene. For the first half of the first disc he pops up in between acts, reminiscing about Cash or filling the contemporary viewer in on the details about zeitgeist of when the show launched, also interspersed with interviews with Cash’s son John Carter, make-up lady Penni Lane (seriously), and other people close to Cash, such as his godson and another big country name, Hank Williams Jr. The included acts themselves don’t follow a chronological order or any particular theme, but the formula is typically Johnny introducing a guest and having a few words with them, letting them perform a hit song, and then singing a duet with them. The real attraction for me was seeing some big names from the past performing and interacting with Johnny Cash. Most people know who Louis Armstrong was, but seeing the guy laughing and joking and playing along with Cash (Blue Yodel #9) was amazing; a lot of people probably don’t know that he was a really awesome guy. A performance from Stevie Wonder was a standout as well, along with Ray Charles doing a beautiful soul version of Ring of Fire, and it really gives some perspective on why these guys were considered the greats. My personal highlight was a young Eric Clapton with Derek and the Dominos; watching him perform with one of his inspirations, Carl Perkins, and Cash himself was amazing. There are no special features, but who needs anything more? Neil Diamond, Roy Orbison, the Everly Brothers, Loretta Lynn, Linda Ronstadt (You might not believe this, but in her time she was hotter than any female performer you’ve seen in the last ten years), CCR, and of course Johnny Cash and June Carter make for a really entertaining watch and a glimpse at a time when things were a little simpler.

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Listings courtesy of Mammoth (now online at!) and the Hamilton Community Arts Council The Berserker, State of Integrity, Every Man for Himself + more Sun 27 Apr, Doors open 1:30pm, Starts 2pm @ Yellow Submarine – $20 A night of brutal metal, doubleheadlined by Australians THE BERSERKER and STATE OF INTEGRITY and supported by Every Man For Himself (Auckland), Bloodletting (Auckland), Congaline (Hamilton) and Blacktooth (Hamilton). White Swan Black Swan + The Spoils Fri 2 May, Doors open 7:30pm, Starts 8pm @ La Commune Cafe – $10



Alt Country tinged piano, violins, acoustic and electric guitars and a Castle of Useless Junk, courtesy of White Swan Black Swan (Auckland) and The Spoils (Australia). Amy Racecar, Phony Bone, Braxton Hicks + Damsels Fri 2 May, Doors open 9pm @ Yellow Submarine – Cost TBC Amy Racecar return to glorious Hamilton for one show only! Joined by lovely friends Phony Bone, Damsels and Braxton Hicks. Sugar and Spice and All Things Nice Fri 2 May, Doors open 5:30pm @ Ariki Gallery – Free entry Exhibition opening night! An all-female mixedmedia group show. Zine launch. Live local music.

Paradox Sat May 3, starting 1am @ Altitude Bar Paradox, Hamilton’s most unique concept/ covers band, will headline at Altitude with their groundbreaking set of live covers of electronic music! That’s right – they play electronic music live, with real instruments. Combining wellknown dance classics with original songs and re-mixes, Paradox are not to be missed. There’s not a hell of a lot happening this week, but you can change that! Send in gig listings to (and to make everyone’s lives easier, also CC them to There, that was easy, wasn’t it!)



issue 6  
issue 6