MOVIE REVIEW
Aliens in the Attic Directed by: John Schultz
Reviewed by Reginald Barclay Starring: Ashley Tisdale from High School Musical and a bunch of kids I’d never seen before, but who are probably being groomed to make their parents rich as we speak.
As far as kids movies go, this one was trying extra hard to make itself a timeless classic, the kind of film that future generations would look back on in the same nostalgic way I look back on Home Alone and Beethoven. I will not be looking back on this film in the same way, but this may be due to my age, so please keep that in mind as you read on. The premise is a pretty fun one for kids, or at least it would have been when I was a kid. A group of aliens land at a beach house and try to take over the world and the only ones who can stop them are five kids. They can’t tell their parents because they’ll get grounded and nothing will stop the aliens from taking over. Not everything, however, is as it seems. No, actually, it is very much as it seems. Everything the kids do goes completely and perfectly to plan, while the aliens, who have travelled from the distant edges of the galaxy, are completely powerless to defeat a pre-teen gang of all-American white kids. Now, if these aliens had landed in South Central Los Angeles or Harlem, the movie would have been about three minutes long, with the aliens getting demolished in a random drive by. They land in whitey-land, USA, population: Cracker and get beaten with nerf guns and sock monkeys instead. I’m not kidding you. This movie drips cheese like an elderly Italian man’s moustache.
34
It is at the end of the day a kid’s movie. I look at this the way my parents looked at Power Rangers and most of your parents looked at Pokemon. It’s not offensive, it’s just very stupid. On the upside is the fact that Aliens in the Attic was filmed in Auckland and most of the special effects were done by Kiwi artists. This is good. It also means that Ashley Tisdale was in the country for an extended period of time. If you don’t know who she is, you’re probably not a High School musical fan. Which I’m not. I’m a fan of beautiful people. This is what Ashley Tisdale is. I suspected, part way through the film, when she started to rub sunscreen on her body, that Miss Tisdale was only in this film so men (like myself) could have an excuse for going and seeing it with their girlfriends. I give this movie 3/5, two of which come from Ashley Tisdale in a bikini