issue 18

www.nexusmag.co.nz

17 August 2009

8-10am Saturdays

EDITORIAL

Editorial: A very special Split/Decision

By Chris and Josh

ISSUE 18

With a very, very special guest end-word by Dawn and Carl C: With the recent release of Transformers

- to be more specific, greater escapism. No-one’s

Credits:

2 and GI:JOE – The Rise of Cobra (is that the

going to sit and pretend that “the good guy

Editor: Joshua Drummond (editor@nexusmag.co.nz)

sweetest name for anything ever, or what?) I’ve

always wins” is true in real life. It’s not about

Design: Talia Musson (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz)

been subjected to endless crying about how

real life. For one half-decade or so, you could

Advertising: Tony Arkell (ads@nexusmag.co.nz)

nothing good has come out of the 80s, and that

actually go to the cinema and watch the good guy

Reporter: Grant Burns (news@nexusmag.co.nz)

I need to grow up. I agree with this completely.

always win, and completely forget about whatever

Features Editor: Chris Parnell (features@nexusmag.co.nz)

PSYCH! The 80s were a beautiful time, where

shithouse corner of the world was on the news.

Sub-editor: Louise Blackstock

entertainment for entertainment’s sake was

Not that it should be forgotten about, but you

Web Guru: Jed Laundry (jlaundry@gmail.com)

allowed to flourish. Josh and I argue often

need to be able to take a break. These days

Music Editor: Nick Johnstone (music@nexusmag.co.nz)

over this, because his parents banned him from

especially, there’s this inability to get away from

Film Editor: Kirill Kruger (films@nexusmag.co.nz)

participating in the 80s.

our six O’clock summary of why the world sucks.

Books Editor: Penny Wilson (books@nexusmag.co.nz)

J: I’m beginning to sympathise with them. If I’d

No wonder people can’t take a step back and be

Games Editors: Antony and Chris Parnell

been around to witness the horror foisted upon

excellent to each other anymore.

(games@nexusmag.co.nz)

the children of the 80s by a broken pop culture,

J: Is that 80s-esque homosexual innuendo?

I would have told me that all the toys my friends

C: Sure, but it’s your own fault if your diet of

were playing with were demonic and would land

social commentary and genre deconstruction left

Contributors

me in hell too. The 80s were indefensible.

you unable to get over it and have a laugh.

8 Ball, WSU, Kirill, Chris Parnell, Vitamin C, Burton

C: Ahh, broken pop culture. The 80s was the

J: But that was a joke! See, you’re taking it all too

C. Bogan, Nick Sicklemore, Dr Richard Swainson,

time that pretentious wankery forgot. Back then,

seriously. You’re putting 80s culture up on this

Josh, Grant Burns, Mammoth, HCAC, Flash

you could enjoy something without having to

hallowed pedestal where it just doesn’t deserve to

Medallion, Blair Munro, Jason Sebestian, Penny

worry about its relevance to blah blah blah. Back

be. The whole point of the 80s is so we can now

Wilson, Antony Parnell, Nick Johnston, Louise

then it was okay to look up at a soldier who beat

define ourselves in opposition to it, and laugh

Blackstock, Hollie Jackson, Lord Bhfulu, Teresa

down baddies (with guns, not extreme sports

ourselves stupid at it. “Oh, man, we were stupid

Hattan, Blair Munro, Emma Swete, and Art. Special

or some shit), all in the name of being a good

back then. We’re not like that now. Hahahaha.

thanks to Carl Watkins and Dawn Tuffery for the

guy. Back then it was okay to sing a song about

Oh, what fools we were.”

“help” on the Editorial.

how great it is to drink and fuck without some

C: Pfft. We could play at that all night. What I

socially repressed underdog trying to pin some

said was a joke at the expense of your ridiculous

homosexual subtext to you. And looking back,

persecution complex of a community that

Association (ASPA) Because how else

you can laugh at it, and yourself, without feeling

excludes you! Ha. Of course it’s up on a pedestal;

could I prevent Salient from working

ashamed that you once genuinely loved it.

the 80s was a culture of worship. I’m going

for an entire day?

J: The fact that people didn’t pick you up on it (so

back to the escapism point, which you haven’t

to speak) doesn’t mean that homosexual subtext

addressed and I’d guess is the moot of this

didn’t exist; rather, it flourished in movies like

argument. Fun for the sake of fun before we go

Top Gun. Sure, it’s a great movie, but it is entirely

back to the real world, which seems sorely lacking

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT

about manly love, and it simply can’t be any other

lately. As for your defining ourselves in opposition

NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003

way. My problem with the 80s is that it somehow

argument, that doesn’t fit well with the assertion

LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE

allowed us to pretend that pretentiousness

that nothing good came from it, but the irony in

EDITOR, OR ANYONE. NEXUS: HATIN’ THE 80s SINCE TASTE

didn’t exist. It gifted us things like GI Joe, that

your quotes is again half the fun in looking back

BEGAN

happy cartoon about American hegemony free

at it.

of any redeeming subtext. War was peace, not

J: You may not have wanted me to have the last

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS?

to mention awesome. The good guy (mostly

word but I’m the editor so: We still have escapism

EMAIL ads@nexusmag.co.nz

embodied in he who would become the

now, only the graphics are better.

OR call 07 838 4653 OR 021 176 6180

Governator) always won. The 80s weren’t about

T: Yeah, those 80s. So controversial. When the

a lack of pretention; they were the definition of

lights are on in your house, you can’t see outside

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT

pretention. The 80s lied to us, man.

but people can see in. Please don’t touch my soft

Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University

C: Yeah, looking at it from today’s perspective.

machine.

of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton

The argument seems to centre on entertainment,

D: In the 80s I went from 0 – 8, which is sort of

PHONE: 07 838 4653

which should have been mentioned earlier, but

like 80s backwards. Wait, I don’t need to be here.

FAX: 07 838 4588

for a brief period we got actual entertainment

Bye Josh!

EMAIL: editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press

POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

RANDOM All Magic 8 Ball questions this week were taken from the Magic 8 Ball thread at forums. nexusmag.co.nz. Go there yourself to ask the all-knowing Ball a question!

LLab 8 Cijam By the Backwards Ball

Do chicks really dig scars?

It is certain – but quite painful. Chicks often mistake scars for grain or other food. The digging process will ensue as they attempt to scratch up more. This can be prevented by not letting chicks walk all over you.

Do chicks dig ska?

Reply hazy, try again – I am distracted by the crowd of screaming women applauding my electro-acoustic Sublime covers. One more time, ladies – “Love is, it’s what I got, I said remember that…”

Is binary?

As I see it yes – as you might expect, I work best in base eight.

Does whale meat taste like chicken?

It is decidedly so – why else do you think the Japanese are so keen on it?

They’d hardly touch the stuff if it tasted like week-old fish left in the sun and blended with lard, would they?

Does abortion taste like placenta?

My sources say no – ask Obama. He knows, according to the right-wing US websites I’ve been reading lately.

Should I write a letter to the executives of the multi-national corporation I work for a letter reading “To whom it may concern, fuck you!”?

My sources say no – I have already taken the trouble to do it, and sign your name. Twice would be overkill.

Are woodchucks physically able to chuck wood?

Yes definitely – it’s in the name, stupidface. Yes, I know about your face.

Shouldn’t have tried doing that with the arc welder’s daughter. You knew it would end badly.

Are pig farmers secretly exporting pigs to Fiji in crates?

Signs point to yes – You know how you’ve never met anyone who’s ever been on a cruise ship, right? Yeah. That’s why.

Has the management department captured enough souls to summon the arch demon required to save the world from economic recession?

My reply is no – they haven’t got enough “blood of the innocent yet.”

Wait until the next crop of first-years comes through. (They must act quickly or the innocence is lost.)

The WSU Presents

The Vice Chancellor Speaks to Students A “State of the Campus” address Location: LG.04 Date: Tuesday 8th Sept 11.30-12.30

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QUESTIONS

By Mo

1. Which new faculty will you be in? Education, Business & Law, Science & Engineering, or Arts & Social Sciences?

2. What’s your biggest gripe about Waikato Uni? 3. What’s your favourite thing about Waikato Uni? 4. Best procrastination technique?

5. Recession survival tactic?

1. Science & Engineering 2. Parking 3. Momento 4. YouTube 5. Live at home

1. Science & Engineering/FASS 2. Should I get my list out?

3. People/Events 4. Family Guy & Guitar Hero 5. Live on noodles

1. FASS/Science & Engineering 2. Lake 3. Sushi 4. Facebook 5. What recession?

1. Education 2. No free internet 3. Scenery 4. Friends 5. Spend more money

1. FASS 2. Assignments/exams 3. Hangout spots 4. T.V 5. Nothing

NEWS

ISSUE 18

17 August 2009

Colossal University reconstruction on the cards Students may be subject to “selective” enrolments

By Grant Burns

Proposed changes to Waikato University’s academic structure could see current departments and faculties replaced with four main faculties.

During an address to University staff, Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford also hinted that due to a massive increase in student enrolments, the University may become more “selective” about who it allows to study and continue studying at Waikato.

According to the proposed new organisational structure, four faculties would be established as the main academic organisational units of the University. The four proposed faculties are: a Faculty of Education (with the School of Curriculum Studies; School of Professional Studies in Education; School of Sport, Cultural, and Human Development; and the Pathways College), a Faculty of Business and Law (with the Waikato

According to University management, the reasoning behind the proposed changes is to create a more ‘One University’ atmosphere around campus, to help cut overall costs, and to manage all areas more efficiently and effectively.

Also, the issue of current enrolments was raised in the meeting.

Currently Waikato University is 6.5% over its estimated quota which was 8165 Equivalent Full Time Students (EFTS) but now looks to top 8700 by the end of the year. If any tertiary institution records over 3% rise or loss in student numbers in relation to their quota, government funding may be reduced.

“The government indicated that 103% is the absolute maximum an institution could go over in student number... We are currently sitting at 106.5% over our estimated quota,” said Crawford.

“It is critically important that an institution of our size to have a very clear picture about what we’re doing and need to do. We need to move forward in a way that is strategic in a very competitive and very complex environment,” Management School and the School of Law), a Faculty of Sciences and Engineering (with the School of Computing and Mathematical Sciences; School of Science; and School of Engineering), and a Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (subject to the outcomes of the FASS re-organisation process, the School of Humanities, Music and Performing Arts; School of Maori and Pacific Development; School of Psychology; and School of Social Sciences).

Each Faculty would be made up of Schools and no Departments. The Faculties would be led and managed by Executive Deans and the Schools by a Head of School or in particular cases a Dean, such as the Dean of Law. On Tuesday 11 August, Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford hosted an “Update on Strategic Issues” to all the university staff members to discuss and question the proposed changes.

“It is critically important that an institution of our size to have a very clear picture about what we’re doing and need to do. We need to move forward in a way that is strategic in a very competitive and very complex environment,” said Crawford.

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When asked whether capping student numbers would allow the university to be more selective to exclude those who are not passing, Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford answered, “The University could be more selective around entry level and progression.”

Crawford also talked about the precarious situation of CUP courses at Pathways College and what is to be done about them.

“We need to start thinking long and hard about how many students we should take in to the sub-degree courses where they’re not yet ready for university and the government keeps telling us that that’s not the business we should be in. We should be teaching the undergraduates and post-graduates.”

WSU President Ben Delaney says he hopes the proposed changes will not sacrifice academic quality at the University. “It is important as changes occur that the level of service and quality for students is not compromised.”

Staff members now have 13 days to submit their opinions about the proposed changes before submissions close.

All final decisions about the proposal will be made and submitted by November 30 2009.

NEWS

“The second model is the preferred choice for FASS to take, which would see the axing of Japanese and Spanish language papers in favour of three core foreign languages: French, German, and Chinese.”

Language studies face uncertain future

Proposed FASS re-structuring could see all foreign language dropped from University curriculum

By Grant Burns University documents obtained by Nexus reveal a proposed re-structuring of the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (FASS) curriculum which could see the permanent axing of all foreign language papers from the University of Waikato.

Four models have been proposed in the FASS Academic Planfor the restructuring with a final decision to be made later in the year. The second model is the preferred choice for FASS to take, which would see the axing of Japanese and Spanish language papers in favour of three core foreign languages: French, German, and Chinese.

The second preference after Model #2, is Model #3, which proposes the scrapping of all foreign languages from the University curriculum, “…for whatever reasons, to structure effective Humanities/ language qualifications, proposes the disestablishment of all five foreign languages currently offered by FASS.” The changes to different parts of FASS are according to the amount of Equivalent Full Time Students (EFTS) each department record. Those with the least EFTS are more likely to be scrapped first.

Also according to the obtained documents, FASS redundancies are still on the cards “[Irrespective] of the outcome of this proposal, we are in a situation in which redundancies are an important part of FASS’s considerations.

The FASS proposal must account for this. It is possible, of course, that a timely retirement or resignation may, but not necessarily will, occur in an area that will not warrant replacement in the proposal. If such a case occurs, it would clearly offset any possible staffing reduction as discussed in the proposal.”

FASS Dean Professor Dan Zirker said, through a statement released by the University PR and Marketing department, “that the August 11 meeting of the Academic Board endorsed the FASS proposal for Model 2. This includes the creation of a curriculum committee which will consider the viability of the faculty’s existing programmes and the provision of new programmes. The committee would be established this year and would run for the foreseeable future,” Zirker was quoted as saying in the statement.

“Under the FASS review proposal, Model 2, the faculty would contain a School of Psychology, a School of Social Sciences and a School of Humanities, Music and Performing Arts. The Vice-Chancellor is now considering the recommendations of both the FASS Special Board of Studies meeting, as well as the meeting of the Academic Board,” the statement said.

7

NEWS

Dodgy snow fest The Waikato Students Union hosted an inaugural Snow Dodgeball tourney on Thursday 13 August. It was too close to our deadline for us to actually report on it, but it apparently went rather well - and look! Burton C Bogan took pictures!

Did you know our Student Health Centre is open five days a week?

With five doctors on board, we provide full medical services for all students.

Hours are Monday 9am – 5pm and Tuesday to Friday from 8.30am – 5pm.

Appointments can be made at the reception desk or by phoning 07 838 4037.

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0800 WAIKATO waikato.ac.nz/sasd/health

NEWS

Angry protesters rally against adult night class cuts

By Grant Burns

A group of angry protesters gathered on Garden Place Plaza last Friday to protest against the Government’s plan to cut adult night class funding from $20 million to $3 million. Over 200 mostly mature protesters held signs which read “Tolley’s Hobbies = Bollocks” and “My taxes pay for night classes + MPs’ Perks” while MPs and other invited guests spoke.

Beginning at 12pm, the one-hour long protest seemed more like a convention of die-hard Labour supporters reliving the glory days rather than an actual productive protest. However, stories of how night classes have saved people’s lives and lead to further employment bought cheers and chants from the crowd.

Night class tutors, Hamilton City Councillors, and MPs from several parties took up the mic with all strongly opposing the reduction in

David Bennett was the only National MP to show his face at the protest

funding.

After the protest, a petition, which will be sent to the Government, was handed out for all to sign.

“I thought it went really fantastic. It was good to see a nice mix of people. We had young people, old people, and people from all different ethnicities. I think this really reflects what night classes are all about. It’s about our communities and the diversity that makes up our community,” said protest organiser Lili-Rose Bates.

and copped a lot of abuse from protesters. However, Bennett was still in good spirits.

“It is very good that the people have come out to have their voices heard and I’ll take that information back to the minister [Minister of Education, Anne Tolley].”

“We are in difficult economic times and there has to be some reprioritisation. Nobody wants to see anything like this happen, but it’s just the reality with what we have to deal with,” said Bennett.

Pene for (Co) President… …of NZUSA

By Hollie Jackson

WSU President Ben “Pene” Delaney is running for New Zealand Union of Students’ Association Co-President.

The NZUSA represents the largest student body in the country, consisting of 15 student associations, which represent approximately 180,000 students (two thirds of all public tertiary-equivalent full-time students).

The main goal of the NZUSA is to advocate the common and collective concerns of students around the New Zealand.

The role of Co-President is an immensely important position at NZUSA. It involves organising the daily business of the Federation office and representing tertiary students at a national level.

“I see NZUSA as a natural progression from being President of the WSU,” said Pene. “I believe I can add value to the organisation and, more importantly, to students.”

Pene has had a great number of roles at the WSU, including Vice President Māori, Mentor for the Waikato Management School, Tutor, and currently WSU President. He has also received a Masters of Management Studies with 1st Class Honours from Waikato University.

EVERYONE NEEDS A WILL James was left a bit of money by his aunt. After paying his fees and buying a bike there was a bit over and he wondered what would happen to it if something happened to him and he died.

The University branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other hassles you might have. They have heaps of pamphlets and a huge data base to help answer anyone’s questions. Visit them at the Cowshed from 1pm – 3pm daily during semesters or phone 838 4466 extn 6622 or 0800FORCAB. Actually, if you die without a will (intestate), the Government will sort things out. It can take a very long time and the results may not be what you would wish. It need not cost money to make a will but it is advisable to get one done by a lawyer to ensure it is properly drawn up and gives the least chance of it being challenged. It should be regularly reviewed and updated if necessary as your circumstances change. If you type ‘making a will’ into Google, there are many websites that are helpful.

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NEWS

SIS spies on academics

By Hollie Jackson

The New Zealand Security Intelligence Service has allegedly been keeping tabs on particular academics, who charge the Privacy Commission with failing to distinguish national security from invasion of privacy.

Professor of Law at the University of Auckland, Dr. Jane Kelsey says she was targeted by the SIS. “[They] initially refused to confirm or deny whether they held any information on me, claiming that answering that question was itself likely to prejudice national security.” The SIS later conceded that they did have a file on her when her name was featured on three pages in the released file of MP Keith Locke.

Some released files on other academics include references to Kelsey and innocuous documents that presumably also appear on her file. Of those documents released “none could conceivably threaten national security”, she said.

“When I complained to the Privacy Commission, they upheld the SIS position.”

The Privacy Commission claimed that releasing the file would disclose information on the NZSIS and jeopardise further NZSIS endeavours.

They also claimed that the information held may not be sensitive, but the strategies for collecting it may be.

“Both agencies have clearly overstepped any reasonable interpretation of the ‘national security’ grounds for refusing to disclose documents” Kelsey said.

The SIS has a long history of spying on academics, some files dating back over 50 years. “The chilling effect of this kind of ‘intelligence’ is likely to intimidate young academics, students and public intellectuals from contributing to critical debate. Who wants to be spied on for doing their job?”

Let there be rock!

By Grant “motherfuckin” Burns

Finally! The band drought in New Zealand has broken and the international acts are now rolling in: Pearl Jam + Ben Harper, Slayer + Megadeth, Lamb of God, and a blast from the cocaine past, Fleetwood Mac. The other keystone of the grunge movement, Pearl Jam, has announced two New Zealand shows: Friday 27 November at Mt Smart Stadium in Auckland and Sunday 29 November at AMI Stadium in Christchurch. Tickets go on sale today for all you chumps who didn’t get pre-sale tickets last week. Pearl Jam also have another studio album called Backspacer due out in September and will be supported by Ben Harper and Liam Finn.

Slayer and Megadeth, two Gods of the thrash metal genre, team up together for one massive metalocalypse on Monday 5th October at the Logan Campbell Centre. I don’t need to say much more, ‘cause if you’re a metal fan you

10

would sell your liver to see either of these bands, let alone both together.

Lamb of God returns to New Zealand on December 9th at Auckland Town Hall. Tickets are on sale 6 August.

The dirty Fleetwood Mac have one show only in New Zealand - on December 29, at the Bowl of Brooklyn, New Plymouth.

Also, a new super group is currently recording in L.A and any self-respecting rock fan will cream his or her pants at the line up. Them Crooked Vultures – Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) on guitar and vocals, Alain Johannes (Queens of the Stone Age) on guitar, Dave Grohl (Nirvana/Foo Fighters) on drums, and John Paul Jones (LED ZEPPELIN) on bass.

Also, along the rock newswire, over 50,000 have requested another “Rock 2 Wellington” event, so a “Rock 2 2010” is on the cards.

Ohhhh, so let there be ROCK!

Is this an SIS spy? Probably!

NEWS

The Tribe triumph

By Grant Burns

Last Friday, on home soil, the “Tribe” (Waikato University) successfully defended the Northern Tertiary Shield for the second year in a row by taking out five of the seven sports on offer.

Over 650 athletes gathered on Waikato’s grounds to participate in volleyball, soccer, netball, ultimate Frisbee, rugby, basketball, and rowing on the river.

The Tribe was victorious in volleyball, soccer, netball, ultimate Frisbee, and rowing, which was enough to secure the Shield.

Ultimate Frisbee captain Paul Sweeney was

“It’s bloody good. We were the underdogs, so the whole team was stoked to win our event and the competition as well.”

WSU President Ben Delaney was also very satisfied with the Waikato win. “Awesome.

Great to see Waikato retain the Shield. Our athletes put their hearts and bodies on the line and the mana of the Waikato was defended.”

Waikato University now has first rights to host next year’s Northern Tertiary at home if they wish to do so and chances are they’ll be there in full force to defend the Shield again.

stoked with his team and the Tribe’s efforts.

Interstellar Overdrive

By Whoever wrote this press release

Australians will have the opportunity to send text-like messages to potential intelligent life beyond Earth thanks to an initiative to be launched today to mark National Science Week.

From 10.30 am today Wednesday 12, until 5.00 pm Monday, 24 August, the public can visit www.HelloFromEarth.net to post goodwill messages that will be transmitted to the nearest Earth-like planet outside our Solar System likely to support life.

The planet – Gliese 581d – is eight times the size of Earth and some 20 light years away (194 trillion km). It was first discovered in April 2007. Due to its size, it is classified as a ‘Super Earth’.

Messages sent during the 2009 National Science Week will arrive in the planet’s vicinity by around December 2029.

Messages can be no longer than 160 characters and will be transmitted from the Canberra Deep Space Communication Complex at Tidbinbilla, with the close cooperation of NASA. Senator Kim Carr, Minister for Innovation, Industry, Science and Research entered the first message at the launch of National Science Week at Questacon in Canberra, which read:

“Hello from Australia on the planet we call Earth. These messages express our people’s dreams for the future. We want to share those dreams with you.”

“What better way to discover the limitless possibilities of science than to give Australians the opportunity to try to seek contact with other intelligent life forms,” Senator Carr said.

“This is one way that we are stimulating debate around big questions in science, such as whether life exists outside Earth, and generating enthusiasm about science, which is what National Science Week is all about,” Senator Carr said.

The spokesperson for HelloFromEarth.net and editor of the Australian science magazine COSMOS, Mr Wilson da Silva, said the project had excited global interest.

“We’ve secured incredible support from around the globe, including NASA – people are really excited about this,” Mr da Silva said.

National Science Week is Australia’s largest national festival. Now in its 12th year, the event celebrates the nation’s scientific achievements, creates awareness of the importance of science and encourages students to pursue a career in science.

The 2009 festival runs from 15-23 August and includes over 800 events Australia-wide.

“National Science Week is an opportunity for Australians of all ages to learn about the wonders of science in a fun and exciting way,” Senator Carr said.

“From schools, universities and research laboratories, to community libraries, town halls and local theatres, National Science Week celebrations will be accessible to everyone.

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NEWS

Vault Issue 4 April 7 1994

Marijuana plants found growing on campus Planted By Grant Burns

A mature male marijuana-sativa plant was discovered growing in the garden right next to the Cowshed. From the size and potency of the plant, it seems to have been growing steadily for some time.

The existence of the plant was bought to Nexus’ attention last week by an anonymous letter from the Marijuana Liberation Organisation; a group dedicated to the promotion of cannabis cultivation.

The plant apparently has been named Harold and was planted in dense garden directly outside the Association’s Executive offices.

When Nexus’ investigated Harold, he was

mature and thriving and easily visible from inside the executive’s office.

When contacted for comment, Paulo Williamez, Student Head Honcho, speculated that the Association may be forced to consider options like cannabis cultivation in order to survive the threat of Voluntary Association Membership.

Nexus speculated that existence of Harold indicated that maybe covert experiments in the possibility of such a scheme were already being conducted.

Mr Willamez had no further comment.

The Nexus Haiku News

By Drummond-san

Second rescue annoys police “Our job would be so Much easier, if only people Weren’t stupid” Mobile phone ban for drivers confirmed Now drivers must Look out for three things, not just two Road, phone, and cop cars Minty the monkey back in captivity Minty, you cheeky monkey!

In other news: In Darfur, millions die Darwin - ‘UFO hotspot’ They’re more likely to be

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Heat and boredom induced Hallucinations Woman left numb, incontinent after diagnosis delay Lady in sad state Women: That’s what it’s like To have a prostate G.I. Joe star’s stripper past revealed Silly - everyone Knows there’s nothing Under a GI Joe’s uniform Henry’s ‘shoot Moko’ call just fun - TVNZ Ha ha, Henry, hilarious You know what sounds like “fun?”

“You’re a cunt.”

LETTUCE

H 07 856 6813

PH 07 856

6813

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A WINS A $20 BOOK VOUCHER FROM BENNETTS P E WEEK BOOKSHO TS TER OF THBOOKSHOP! WAIKATO UNIVERSITY IVERSITY M BENNET US LET IKATO UN HER FRO THE NEX P! WA .co.nz WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP OK VOUC RSITY BOOKSHO @bennetts $20 BO UNIVE EMAIL wku WAIKATO ADDRESS Gate 5 HillcreststRoad FAX 07 856 2255 d EMAIL wku@bennetts.co.nz Roa cre

FAX 07

856 2255

S ADDRES

Gate 5 Hill

Why we bother Letter of the Week

Dear Nexus, Why do you even bother? Apparently your magazine

So with all this greatness that is Nexus, why the fuck

is “a load of rubbish catering to the trashiest and

do people constantly write in and winge. I’m sick of

most immature first year students at Waikato”. So

all the people throughout the year who constantly

seriously why even publish the thing anymore.

write in winging about how Nexus is crap, and you

You know why? Because Nexus is fucking awesome!

need better stories and you need different people on

Every Monday morning I come to uni, about to sit

the Nexus page! My answer to all of you out there

through a two hour lecture on who knows what and

who have ever even thought this... DO SOMETHING

then I see the Nexus in that beautiful red box and I

ABOUT IT! If you hate the articles, write one yourself.

smile.

If you want to see a new face on Busted, take a

I get to read about interesting topics, that I didnt

photo. I mean come on!

know about before. I get to find out which movies

I hate that in this letter I have had to reduce myself to

I should see. I get to read five completely random

one of the winging arse holes that you regular Lettuce

questions and the five completely random answers

writers can be. But I’m asking you, all of you out

that were given to them. I get to look at what us

there now, reading this because you’re also bored in a

great Waikato folk got up to in the weekend on the

Monday morning lecture, to just stop winging and let

Busted page. And I get to happily waste away the day

the people who can be bothered to get off their back

with a Sudoku!

side every week to write articles, do it!

Sarah.

Send letters to editor@nexusmag. co.nz Letter of the Week wins a $20 Bennett’s voucher!

Letters may also be sent via the letters thread at forums.nexusmag.co.nz.

We sometimes get too many letters to publish these days – but don’t stop sending them! Letters that don’t make it into the mag can be viewed in the forum as well.

Txts to the Editor!

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Letter about stupid letter about stupid letter I find it interesting that a letter written to Nexus about a stupid letter written to Nexus, could be so very stupid. I am, of course, thinking of the letter saying, and I paraphrase, “...you did so whist being a

I’m afraid the answer, is no, it doesn’t. The only thing

woman....AND a woman....your socially handicapped

it allows a man to do, that a woman cannot, is write

vagina”.

his name in the snow with his own urine. Which

It read as through the boy (I say boy as to not offer

is not impressive, and given that this is snowless

insult to any real men out there; some of my favourite

Hamilton, totally useless.

people being men)had said to himself, ‘Now that

Now just in case anyone else is suffering from such an

I’ve made my point, I’ll finish by going out of my

abnormality of mind as to believe in Y-chromosome

way to be deliberately, yet pointlessly, offensive!’,

based superiority, allow me to pass on a real life fact...

presumably to make himself feel important, or clever.

Men are, by the simple virtue of being male, more

(Not that I myself am actual offended, more vaguely

likely to be affected by a detrimental mutation and

disappointed)

are significantly more likely to be mentally disabled,

Or is it that the author of this particular letter does in

than women.

fact think that his penis makes him extra competent

Most sincerely,

in some way, or perhaps just generally special? If so,

Jane’s-sense-of-irritation

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $20 BOOK VOUCHER FROM BENNETTS WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP!

PH 07 856 6813

FAX 07 856 2255

ADDRESS Gate 5 Hillcrest Road

Letters policy: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be kept under 250 words and be received

by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be) but if it’s a serious letter we’d prefer you to use your real name. Send letters to editor@nexusmag.co.nz

WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

EMAIL wku@bennetts.co.nz 13

LETTUCE It’s possible the author of this one is being sarcastic This morning I arose from bed hours earlier than my

me about in the likes of this apparel. You see, I’m a

It’s intriguing, the things people opt to get upset about

first class, dressed myself in the usual fashion and

tertiary student now (which I think means I should

Dear S and R

went downstairs to watch Breakfast. The plan was to

be broke. I am anyway, so a wardrobe makeover, no

I am sorry you are offended by my choice of clothing.

waste enough time to feel like doing work later, but

matter how desirable, just isn’t a possibility). Also, and

Wait no that’s wrong, oh yeah now I remember “Go

as it turned out tv one wasn’t showing Breakfast. It

this might be a petty reason given that I’m forcing you

fuck yourself”. Now I don’t wear girls jeans, but I do

was playing Good Morning. How disappointed I was

to avoid looking at my groin, but the (sadly incorrect)

wear tight male’s jeans.

to find that things weren’t the way I thought they

lessons of my life and decisions I have made about my

I like how they look, and excluding you, so do a lot

should be.

own person along the way have become too much a

of girls. My sex life has gotten very interesting since

So, still pursuing the placid morning ritual, I flicked

part of myself to remodel it all now.

I updated my fashion sense. It was like miracle grow

open nexus and turned to a letter from one S and

I do apologise. I suppose some of us are just plain

for ones Libido.

one R.

ignorant.

Turns out a lot of girls from town are keen to ‘Plow’

Wow. Well S and R, I thank you for the revelations

Michael Gaastra. (Arbitarily abridged)

if I dress this way, which puts a smile on my dial and

you have provided us all, but you’ll still be seeing

my p in some v. Oh and for being able to see my package, its called ‘Side Pipe’

If you’re not already on Livejournal, you should be

and I guess its kind of like male cleavage (“Check out

I wonder. Is there anyone else like me? I am the guy that will take the sidelines and laugh at people doing dumb

day as people no longer need to ask how its hanging,

shit. I like to do to things on a whim. I spend a lot of my time thinking about things like the word, ‘word’ just

because clearly they can see. It’s long, large and to

because it sounds funny when you say it enough. I don’t like to date a lot because I’m keener on a long term

the left.

girlfriend than someone who just hangs around for a couple of weeks. I have a sense of humour and I am

Thank you very much. So yeah, I don’t think I’ll go

completely reliable.

changing my Stranglers just to make you happy.

I have been told by my flatmates, my siblings and my mates that I am fucked up in the head. I am writing this

Anyway hope all is well. Say “hi”

because my flatmates are drunks, my siblings are retards and my mates would take any opportunity to make fun

to your mum for me.

of me.

Kind regards

SomeRandomGuy

Jason DeMile

14

my Cock Bulge”). Also side piping saves time in my

LETTUCE Agonising

Social experiment applauded

Dear William

William? You going to write to Penthouse and tell

Dear Sir/Madam

I think your argument is stupid. How long have you

them that you don’t appreciate all the vagina in their

A copy of a recent edition of the NEXUS magazine

been at university and which religious school di you

magazine? Or write to Express (the gay newspaper)

found itself on my desk at work last week and, as a

go to before you came here? Or are you one of these

and complain about their blatant disrespect for family

behavioural scientist, I was rather interested in the

nagging old students who thinks that the student

values?

little experiment you did with the dropped wallet on

magazine should be more erudite, like a National

As far as telling Nexus to not restrict itself to the

the ground. A few questions/impressions immediately

Geographic, so you can put comething intelligent

university alone, I think you should FUCK OFF an read

came to mind:

on your coffee table for free, instead of paying the

the Waikato Times! Do you have any understanding

1. What was the idea behind having the yellow circle?

whopping $7 dolalrs for an opinion which doesn’t

of the terms ‘student’ and ‘magazine”? Or are

2. It was worthwhile conducting your observations in

revolve around university students morals?

you too far UP YOUR OWN ARSE with 1950s

two different locations as well as identifying gender

I think if you’re digging around in nexus for articles

MORALISATIONS TO HEAR THE SOUNDS THAT ARE

and racial groups.

which don’t relate to rooting, drinking or drunken

COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH!

3. Was this experiment also done with a wallet left on

rooting, then you’re probably not the target market of

So fuck it, if you’re offended so much by Nexus,

the ground but with NO yellow line around it? And if

Nexus. If you want articles about the research being

just wait until i start writing again. That’s right bitch,

not, why not?

done at uni, read the FUCKING ACADEMIC NEWS!

I’m coming back, just cos you’re a moral douchebag

4. My hypothesis for the above scenario would be

Don’t try and stomp on what we want, just because

crusader. Sniff my moist nuts. Porkchops!

that you would have observed vastly different results.

you’re an old prude. What’s on the agenda this week

Agony Art

I thought it was a really interesting experiment to conduct on a varsity campus.

It’s interesting that Willam’s letter has directly influenced the return of Agony Art, which will see a lot of happy

You could also go further afield and replicate it in

readers. Incidentally, William, if you’re reading this: That offer to volunteer for us and impress everyone with

(say) Garden Place, the Base and (say) Frankton

your intelligent content is still wide open. Please do – Ed.

Markets on a Saturday morning. Observe the differences. Most interesting...

Won’t somebody think of the citizens?

Yours faithfully

Dear Josh,

OK. We’ve all seen the story of Clayton Weatherson

Lynda M. UTTING

You have a point when you say people don’t care

and his ex-girlfriend Sophie Elliot on the news or in

anymore. I find it extremely frustrating the ignorant

the papers. What blows my mind is that the court

Voon

and careless attitude that kiwi’s, Uni students in

even allowed his case to make it as far as the court

Dearest Nexus,

particular, are adopting as the norm. No longer is it

room. I’m sorry but provoked or not no ‘reasonable’

They say that the smallest things in life should

the ‘done’ thing to strive for excellence, or to support

person pulls a knife and stabs someone 216 times.

be appreciated. This isn’t a letter speaking of an

a cause through adversity. It appears that although

That being said the excuse of being ‘provoked’ is

epiphany I had last night. It’s a letter, saying “thank

New Zealand prides itself on being seen as a tough

not a valid excuse for murder ever. Take the case Bio

you”, expressing appreciation to those who’ve made

and hardy nation we are happy to let others go the

O’Brien who killed Jasmatbhai Patel after a extremely

a difference. I recently hurt my hand and suffered a

extra mile for this image whilst the majority sit on the

minor fender bender in Auckland. Could that really

lot, this has altered my ability to do things quicker

couch. When the going gets tough, Kiwis get going

be warrented because Mr Patel bumped O’Briens

than I did. That includes going to work and earning

in the opposite direction to avoid all the fuss. Don’t

car? No you idiots it’s murder!!! Pure and simple if

to pay bills. My friends have now become my support;

get me wrong I love New Zealand, the people and our

you kill someone (provoked or not) it’s MURDER, how

they’ve cooked for me & helped me anytime I’ve

culture I just wonder when it became ‘sweet as’ to let

is getting pissed off and then killing someone an

needed anything. A certain friend of mine saw that I

the world drift past in a hazey, polluted, violent, war-

accident? If I get a C and don’t think it’s fair but the

was pretty upset and came over with KFC! And most

torn, impoverished state and not make a stand.

lecturer doesn’t want to listen am I really justified in

of all, people who didn’t even know me asked “What

Perhaps I grew up in a bizarre family but I recall

killing him or her? NOOOOO no no no no.

happened there?” while I was riding up to the 4th

protests and marches in my childhood, 12 year old

Come on New Zealand get your head out your

floor in the elevator. People at my lecture asked how

girls that were fan crazy about Spice Girls because

ass. Since when is it reasonable to sit on the couch

I was, when they don’t even know my name! I’m not

they cared so much about ‘Girl Power’, and a country

moaning about obesity when half the world is

saying I’m the luckiest person in the world, but I’m

that was proud of it’s National Anthem and didn’t

starving, and then turn around and murder someone

definitely saying that not everyone’s ALWAYS going

stay sitted, giggling when it was performed at Rugby

for stealing your burger? Take a good hard look at

through a tough time! Something good must happen

games. Where did all those people go?

yourself and make some changes - for the better!

at some point and at that point (maybe) appreciation

With the loss of our caring nature there also appears

A Concerned Citizen

leads to better happening. I know you’re all probably

to be our new learned acceptance of violence as

thinking, “Like we care”! But my story may open an eye or two? It’s through my friends and through

Context free quote from a letter we’re not going to print:

certain students, I’ve realised that there’s still good

I become enflamed in every respect and begin to daydream if her tongue could bear similar intonations.

people around. Not everyone stops to ask how you’re

Or perhaps at 2am, languishing with a sensual Black Russian, I may be inclined to pound out principles of

feeling today! If you’ve gone through similar, I say

totalitarianism and the passions of oppression in terms of an evolutionary ascendant, but you would probably not care

APPRECIATE! If you do appreciate, well on ya! If you don’t, then it’s never too late to start!

Anonymous 15

LETTUCE Congrammarulations.

You spotted a grammatical error in my letter?

about the concerns of the common student. That

same intelligence as her, but I’m certain you aren’t as

Wow, good stuff.

being said, the kindy reference interested me. Did you

good looking. Way to go, fucker.

Did you masturbate furiously when you found it? I

clap out the syllables as you read the letter, just to

As things stand at the moment for those intrigued by

get the mental image of your excited faces when you

make sure you were right? Woo. Plenty of students

my letter; Studylink has finally come through. Most

finally find something wrong in a Nexus publication,

here would have picked that up. Did you think you

of my stuff is sorted but I still require textbooks in

and immediately want to throw up. Why don’t you

were special? Trust me. You are.

several classes. Everything else worked out fine, as

do something like get the letter of the week in Nexus,

Special person number two; I didn’t realise that

far as weeks of near-poverty goes. If you are having

and better still, publish your anonymous names? I

knowing how to count had anything to do with

problems do go to the Studylink office in Hamilton

don’t believe I see that ever happening. Did you even

eligibility for government funding for tertiary study.

east. Jump up and down if you have to, but don’t sit

read the fucking letter? At the time I was having

This makes you incredibly stupid. You know, like Miss

around and hope things get better.

genuine problems with Studylink, and you two are

teen South Carolina stupid. You probably have the

Logan N

probably trust-fund babies who don’t have to worry

Not mad, just disappointed

and R’ complaining about tight jeans. Fuck. It’s called

Government: Bastardly?

This is me complaining about the lack of intelligence

fashion and it doesn’t necessarily fit everyone’s tastes.

Dear Nexus,

that goes into the majority of lettuce letters. I wish

Do you want my opinion on the matter? No, because

A little while ago, someone recommend that I apply

it could be in response to something that wasn‘t

who the fuck am I. I’ll give it anyway though. I like

for something called the Training Incentive Allowance

ridiculous. You might want last weeks nexus handy

wearing tight jeans because they serve me well in

as a way of gaining a few extra dollars for ye olde

for reference.

avoiding attracting the attention of flared jeans and

bank account. So after finally raising from my

I am just stunned by some of the illiterate rubbish that

sneaker wearing hicks such as yourselves. Good on

drunken dream of the last month or so, I finally got

is coming from the pen (or key) of people who are

you if you want to ignore fashion and ‘stick it to the

round to applying and went to see my WINZ case

supposedly students of higher education. I shouldn’t

man’ that way, but please don’t judge me if I can’t

manager.

have to tell ‘Camera Girl’ that multiple exclamation

be arsed looking like I was home-schooled. Oh and I

After a few moments, my kind and collective case

marks doesn’t make her letter speak any louder, or

guess by the proud way you used ‘voluptuous’ you’ve

manager tells me that due to some idiotic new

‘A Concerned Flatmate’ that new sentences begin

probably been called that before; well just so you

National reform that the Allowance doesn’t apply to

with a capital letter. Universities were designed as a

know it’s a euphemism guys use for fat. But I don’t

anyone doing a Level Four or above training course.

place where higher minds could get together, share

want to express my opinion on such mindless shit. So,

Gob smacked, I sat their staring rather blankly at this

knowledge, and learn from each other. As indicated

sorry to everyone that had to read that.

helpful young man.

by the majority of people that write into lettuce,

I really don’t want to go tit for tat. It would be

At this juncture I was seriously wonder why in the

somewhere along the way that all changed and it is

amazing if we could put all this passion against clingy

name of all the name of all that is pre-shrunk and

now idiot friendly.

girls, tight jeans, ignorant Aucklanders, and drunk

cottony, why Level four and above educational

‘William’, you strike me as just the type of pretentious

photos into something entertaining, informative or

achievements suddenly stopped becoming Training

dickhead I don’t want to sound like. You’re obviously

challenging. My problem in reading the nexus lies

Programmes. My natural assumption in this was:

significantly older than most students (not necessarily

right here in the lettuce. When I read the mindless

University Student = Future Qualified Worker person

in years), and with your head so far up your arse you

shit everyone else sends in, fuck, I guess I’m just

that the government wants to invest in/ Money losing

can probably see the head of your long lost Malibu

embarrassed. It would be brilliant if people stopped

Government Freeloader.

Stacey doll. Good on you for saying that you want

complaining about ludicrous shit and stirred up some

After recovering from my shock, and the prompting

the nexus to feature this and that, but what does

passion in a topic of consequence. But then again it is

of a possibly wierded out WINZ case manager,

‘Camera girl’ or ‘Michaela’ want? Not that I give a shit

somewhat entertaining, in a point and laugh kind of

thanked him for his helpfulness in the sorting out

what any of you want. But surely someone of your

way, to see how stupid some of you are.

of this. And as I left the great Government Money

superior intelligence can work out that the nexus aims

Can we argue something significant. Like university

Paying Machine, I couldn’t help but wonder, that

to cater for everyone, not just one person in our very

entrance is too easily attained? Try work out my

with the lack of highly qualified people in Nz, and

diverse university. I don’t like haiku’s but I’m not going

opinion on that one. Think of your replies- ready, set,

the fact that now is actually a great time to get a

to complain about them- maybe I just did.

go.

University qualification, why in the blue hell isn’t the

Sure this lettuce thing is about opinion, but why is it

Lots of love,

government trying to give it’s Uni students some

always opinion about ridiculous shit? Like the girls ‘S

Tom.

financial assistance other then a freaking huge loan

The Art of Whining

to help relieve the financial pressures of being a full time student?

Ball mice are crap and have been replace by the far superior optical mouse for a reason.All the ball mice in the

Obviously the government’s to busy trying to free up

university are FAR past their use-by dates, they don’t work like they were intended to, and are a general pain

some cash for all the travel expenses that it seems to

in the ass. UPGRADE. I’m sure it is not that hard, and instead of spending my money on some metal poles and

be claiming, but the hell do we care? We’re just trying

rocks in a stupid lake that nobody really cares about, do something useful and upgrade the computer mice!

to survive. Bastards.

Seriously, this is driving me insane.

Anyway, that’s enough of my ranting,

Ashleigh.

Skinner Outram

16

LETTUCE

TEXTS

Text of the week prize pack!

to the Editor Send texts to 021 235 8436!

We’ll provide the Text of the Week writer with a fix of New Zealand’s freshest and bestest Gravity Coffee!

All you have to do is text in with something worth wasting words on

KTHXBAI

say as its just mouth excreation. Blond

logiebear get a job? It’s a recession you

vitaminC: Yes! We got sent an extra

Hey Nexus, I go to Gateway and was

lady in the green top, please shut the

fuckin clown!

prize by Sony, come to Nexus and

impressed with your report about

fuck up and keep ur stupid, irrelevant

the Occult stuff that Don was talking

fucking thoughts to yourself! Fuck!

about. Cheers for keeping and honest

– scott

pick it up. Hope you have a PS3 (or a

Try it, and let us know how you go.*

microwave) to put it in.

Its funny how females wear short skirts and puff their tits out to look

They’re wise, you just don’t get them.

sexy in town. Us guys should just

Rob’s words of wisdom at every lecture,

Hi! I love reading the Nexus. I read it

If you’re not gay, why did you offer your services to men only?

whip our erect cocks out. Bring back

“sort of, ok, hang on…”

more than my readings for Psychology.

I’m not gay but to buy my text books

testosterone! Lol

Hope my text shows up ths week. I’ll

im willing to suck cock for cash. Nexus

be waiting =]

can you help?

approach. Gaz

I hope you’re reading this.

And yet you cannot spell A Winner Is You.

Dear s and r. Not all 1st years r supre

Well done chopstick. You used more

wearing fuckwits. Some of us r here 2

wat

GOOD SAMURTIN’Z FTW!

than 30 words in last weeks phat

learn nd experience uni life, so bak of

Hey, sad about AJ leaving. He did well

JUST WANNA SAY THANK YUU TOO

controller competition. Does this mean

abwt 1st yearz. U 2 wer once 1 of us

– very well. Pity he’s now growing up.

THE AWESOME PERSON WHO FOUND

I get a prize for spotting it?

(He’ll vote right-wing next election,

MY PHONE N HANDD IT N THERE

mark my words! Alan.

ARE STILL GOOD SAMURTIN’Z IN THIS

*Don’t, actually.

WORLD… THANX!

wat #2 Hi Nexus, re haiku p13 about gr8 Kiwi

Do it your damn self

husbands: does that explain Chris

J0sh pls m0re ball shavings 0n campus.

Carter’s travel expenses? Alan.

Thr must b rank activities hapning, why d0nt we hear ab0ut thm. Dig the dirt!

Are you referring to first year boys or girls?

Warning to first years: Beware swarthy

Shave your balls first, then they might call

asian gentleman. Keep it in your

M0re ph0t0s 0f th0se sexy girls in

pants… Trust me

bustd please. I have c0stumes and camera. Gv them my number.

No one ‘cres’ what you think either.

Wud that ranga bitch in “CUP” stfu!

Knock on the window next time

No one fucking cres what u tink! U

To the two boys who dance shirtless

dnt nead 2 cal owt evry 5 sec0nds. No

infront of their windows on the ground

one cres!

floor of stud ville by gate 2a. I am impressed and want to see more of

Poor sprouty sprout sprout

this! Your sexy bodies are the highlight

Dear ed, could the blond middle aged

xo

of my day! From an intrigued onlooker

lady in mcom133 who was wearing a fucking mouth. Im sure she gets her

I saw Baby Factory was hiring in town?

kicks out of sharing irrelevant shit with

Re: not your buddylink. Dear

the class whenever the opportunity

disgruntled fuckwit, how can young

green top in class on 5/8 just shut her

arises, but no1 cares what she has to

17

FEATURE

As mentioned last week, Nexus agreed to meet at 7:30 at The Cook on Wednesday for some sweet, sweet Jazz. In Nexus tradition one Nexus showed up late, and then only one other Nexus arrived, a little bit later. So it must have been about 8:30 when the Jazz started and Nexus went inside.

If you weren’t aware, Zebra have been playing sweet, sweet Jazz at The Cook for years, every Wednesday night. It’s great stuff, a four piece setup with a guy on an electric double bass, percussionist, sweet jazz guitarist and what appears to be an angel providing vocals. Once, Nexus was on a date there and absent-mindedly made the comment that Nexus would murder the unborn to have the opportunity to play guitar like that for a living.

Just sitting down in a comfy chair, playing some sweet Jazz. Date was not impressed.

When Nexus was outside, we met a man who asked us to watch his package. As in, he had a back with something in it, and had to leave it outside while he went inside. Or something.

Presumably it was alcohol, but Nexus was waiting for a bunch of cops to show up the whole time. Of course, that would require shit loads of co-ordination on the part of the five-oh and Cook St is at least a five-minute drive from the community constabulary. By the time the guy came outside the conversation had turned to opening moves in chess (there are twenty right? Eight pawns with two each and two knights with two each) and he had some valuable input. “You can plan all the first moves you want, but in the end there’s 18

FEATURE

If this is sexist, please write in and correct Nexus. Nexus loves being… corrected

only one move, and that’s the first move, you know?” Nexus gave its best blanket, neutral agreement, borne from a few years working in hospitality and finely crafting the catchall response to inane drunken patrons and hospitality workers. After rephrasing this line three or four different ways (apparently you can make the first move as many times as you want?) he then made an off-hand comment about white moving first. Being a gentleman of colour, this set up a lovely little awkward silence until he broke it with some more discourse on what do if money is involved, in which case you’d better stop thinking and start moving! Laughter all around. The bassist had finished his steak and the band had started up again, so Nexus went back inside.

There were quite a few people there, at least for what would be expected in a bar in the suburbs on a Wednesday night. Two 30-something women drinking wine and talking loudly about shoes or something, and older gent and a younger guy having some beers, and some other people sitting around tables. One table of cute girls. The bar staff all had nice bosoms. That’s not exactly a very tasteful comment to make, but Nexus maintains that it’s an important part of that tavern atmosphere. Nexus wonders if you’d get in trouble for running a retail or hospitality business and only employing females with nice bosoms. Surely it’s your right to hire whoever you wish? Kind of like Hooters in the States?

Although I hear their standards aren’t that high. What if (Nexus Plan A) you started a fast food joint, say on or near campus, and

only hired good-looking girls, and had them roller-skate around the place or something. If you pulled it off correctly, then the fast food joint would be well known for having hot girls there, and then hot girls would want to apply for jobs there because working there would be like proof of hotness. You could set up employment schemes at Sacred Heart College.

Who’s with me? If this is sexist, please write in and correct Nexus. Nexus loves being… corrected. On an unrelated note, we’re on the fourth Guinness or so of the night by now.

So the sweet Jazz is playing, and every time they finish a piece or a solo Nexus claps, and is the only one clapping. Why aren’t people clapping? Every time Nexus claps, sweet jazz angel says thank you and Nexus wishes it could make its eye twinkle like in a cartoon.

Zebra have been there for ages, as previously mentioned. Nexus wonders why they haven’t gone on to making brazillions of dollars on the sweet jazz Wednesday night circuit.

After a while, when it was rather clear that no-one else was going to show up (because the bar was closing) Nexus moved on. While Nexus was smoking outside, we saw a shop on the corner. The lights were still on. Apparently it was a board games shop, where you go in and pay $4 per hour to play board games.

Nexus investigated. There was a sign with a list of games outside, and Nexus settles on Carcassonne, because we had played it before. However upon requesting it from the lovely girl at reception, a man came along and recommended a game that would suit two

persons. He selected a game called Mr. Jack, and Nexus bought a Kit-Kat. The service was fantastic, as our host sat us at a table and proceeded to teach us how to play in broken English, and even stuck around watching the first round to make sure we had it all down.

There was even free coffee and tea! In Mr. Jack, one person is a detective and one person is presumably Jack the Ripper, although our host didn’t state this explicitly. You have to take turns moving people around the streets of London, while the Detective has to discover who the killer is within eight turns, while the killer tries to confound and elude the detective and make his escape. The game actually seemed pretty cool (relative to other cool things you can do at 11pm on a Wednesday) although it took a while to get the hang of it. Of much greater interest however was the rowdy group of Asian gentlemen playing in the private room. If repeated viewings of Showdown In Little Tokyo have taught Nexus anything, then they were probably playing board games on reclining nude women. Nexus didn’t get the chance to find out.

And so ends Nexus Goes To: Jazz! Since everyone is apparently terrified of hanging out with Nexus, this weeks’ adventure was more or less an extended Split Decision column, if anyone’s memory reaches back that far. Next week, Nexus Goes To: The Snow! We’ll be heading up to Snow Planet to drink and fall down fake mountains for the evening. If anyone wants to come along then hit forums. nexusmag.co.nz and say hi in the ‘Nexus Goes To:’ thread under ‘General Discussion’.

19

FEATURE

How to Enjoy your Free Time by Doing Less Work

By Joshua Drummond and Chris Parnell

Ah, procrastination. Raise your hand if you have ever engaged in this pleasurable activity.

Good. I hope you are reading this in a lecture, and everyone is staring at you.

What you might not know about procrastination is that it is a valuable survival trait. I had my first inklings about procrastination’s value when I found myself co-writing a Nexus feature article about this time last year, entitled “How to Bullshit Your Way Through Uni” - a topic I was particularly well positioned to write about. We decided to interview a few staff members about the origins of procrastination in the psyche.

What they had to say about the subject was surprising. Apparently procrastination is not only a habit universal to humans, which we had already suspected; animals do it too.

Lab rats, we were told, would put off an activity for as long as possible if they could.

Why this happens isn’t strictly known, but it’s surmised that it could be an energy saving trait – if you put off something until it actually needs doing, you’ll have saved precious energy in the process.

Of course, in today’s relatively luxurious world, this behaviour leads to earning average marks at Uni and slowly growing to resemble a beached sea mammal of some kind. So, to maximise your good health, we’re presenting a number of techniques, both sensible and not, to inflate your productive output without spending any more hours, thus increasing your goof-off time.

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Learn To Read Faster The main cause of crappy reading is either a learning disability like dyslexia (which, if you have one, can be helped – see a doctor for details) or doing a thing called subvocalisation as you read. If it’s the latter, it can be very easily fixed. Subvocalisation is, simply, when you read at the same speed you talk, because you’re “saying” the words to yourself in your head as you go. You may even mutter as you read. This is very common, and very easy to fix.

There are a number of tricks you can do to remove this habit. One method is to read and re-read the same page over and over, forcing yourself to go over every word. As you do so you may notice that as the exercise becomes more boring, you stop needing to subvocalise.

Once established, the “trick” of speed-reading is easier to establish. Another method is to continuously mouth the vowels of the alphabet to yourself as you read – “aeoiu, aeiou,” over and over. This (probably) has the effect of disassociating the “speech” bit of your brain from the part that does the reading, thus eliminating subvocalisation. If you’ve ever had trouble reading, or even wished you could get thorough your paper readings that much faster, this technique may really help you.

Take your Breakfast to Uni Sitting down to eat your breakfast is a giant waste of time. If you’re eating cereal, toast, or similar, it can be munched as you walk, or sit at a computer while checking your email

(your own computer, though – you don’t want to crumb all over someone else’s.) Liquidised breakfasts are fantastically efficient, if you can stomach putting your Weetbix, milk and bananas in a blender. Ultimately, you can take a delicious breakfast into a lecture with you even if it’s in a bowl. Sure, people might frown or pass comment, but that’s only because they didn’t get the 15 extra minutes sleep that you did. Which brings us to…

Get More Sleep I get insomnia, so I like to think I know about this one. Sleep is important. If you don’t get enough, you tend to feel terrible, dizzy and lightheaded. Get too much of not enough, and you can hallucinate, become unconscious, have seizures, and (ultimately) die. Getting no sleep can actually kill you faster than getting no food can. It’s also a big player in the memory game.

The better you sleep, the more likely you are to remember things. This is, as you may have guessed, important when you study.

By far the biggest factor in getting to sleep, if it’s something you tend to have trouble doing, is a thing called “sleep hygiene.” Erratic habits before bed, like irregular bedtimes, tend to throw you off. However, making sure you have a regular pre-bed routine – something that tells your body “oh, we’re going to sleep soon,” can really help.

Of course, the fact that you study may mean your sleep is erratic from necessity. In this case, a finding from Harvard Medical School may

FEATURE

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FEATURE

help you. It’s been known for a long time that we have a “sleep switch” in our circadian rhythm triggered by light. It’s just been found that we

why not use that hour to hit the campus green or the library and get something done? If you’re have coffee or drinks with friends on campus

have a second “sleep switch,” which is activated by food – or, more accurately, lack of it.

All you have to do is not eat for around 12-16 hours before the time you wish to set as “morning.” Once you eat for the first time after this period, your body clock sets this time (regardless of what the time actually is) as “morning,” and you’ll find yourself naturally getting sleepy about 12 or so hours later. Handy after an all nighter or when jetlagged, if you can resist the siren song of takeaways.

a bit, find a time when it’s before or after a class for everyone. The more things you have in a schedule, the less you’ll be juggling and the less you are juggling, the less you’ll drop. If you have large time commitments, line up something more relaxing to do during your break, or if you’re the kind of person who likes to sit down and power through work then utilise that mindset to get other stuff done (of a completely different nature) and take your mind off the subject for a while.

Learn to touch-type This is one of those incremental time-savers that will ultimately add up to a year to your life.* The fact is, if your job has anything to do with computers, the wasted seconds from hunting and pecking with two fingers add up. Don’t bother paying money for a touch-typing course, if you are tempted to learn. Simply do the following.

1.) Find a computer. Put your fingers on these keys: ASDF and JKL;. You’ll notice the “F” and “J” keys have bumps on them. These are so your index fingers know where to live. They are your home keys.

2.) Start typing whatever, without looking at the keyboard. DON’T YOU DARE LOOK. This will be incredibly frustrating at first, but if you stick at it, you will get there.

3.) When in doubt, return to your home keys. Then start again.

The best time to learn touch-typing is not with a programme on the internet or anthing like that; it’s when you have a big ol’ assignment to do and have no choice but to sit banging out chunks of text for hours.

So do it, and by then end of the assignment you’ll have the hang of it.

You’ll thank yourself. And us. *Maybe Develop Subroutines Programmers will be all over this, but even if you don’t know your C++ from your final grades then you should be aware that grouping things well can improve your efficiency. Instead of lumping all of the random tasks you have to do into the “when I have free time” category, try breaking them up and making small routines during your week. Have a weekly assignment, household chore, or column to do that always ends up being a last-minute affair? Slot it in between other scheduled activities, like classes. If you’ve got an hour break between two classes and an otherwise free day, instead of pissing around or going home 22

Don’t Be Messy Every professional procrastinator knows the pleasure of tidying their room or organising their notes before they start doing work. It’s a killer.

The fact is that there’s a part of your brain that gets a real kick out of creating order from chaos, so it’s a very appealing activity to engage yourself in as opposed to doing work, because you still get a sense of reward from doing it.

If you want to avoid this, keep things tidy so that there’s nothing to distract you when it’s time to work. A place for everything, and everything in its place.

Don’t Take It Too Far If you overreach yourself, you will fail. Rigidly planning everything out and ruthlessly maximising your schedule eventually take its toll. You can’t expect to strictly define your relaxation time with everything eventually falling to pieces on you, unless you are a robot (in which case please contact Nexus because we need someone to do some typing).

Keep some backup time handy in case you get distracted by something important and really need to fit a few hours of staring into space into your week. Can you believe how obvious all this advice is? The fact is it’s really easy to lose sight of the bigger picture the more you focus on things. It’s embarrassing how much of this advice I’m giving out that I don’t utilise myself.

Cast Your Mouse’s Middle-button Into The Pits Of Hell Randomly browsing the internet really is a ridiculous time-sink. Keep it short. Opening endless tabs from Digg, Wikipedia, or TVTropes will destroy your idle moments when you are meant to be typing about something. Firefox has a couple of apps that can set alarms or instantly close all of your tabs when they detect you’ve been open-tab browsing for too long. Turn these off when you are doing research.

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WSU

Pres Sez: Underfunding of the sector = Restricted entry a possibility.

By WSU President Ben Delaney Budget 2009 presented a decrease in government funding for the tertiary sector.

This has meant that there is currently less money to fund the growing number of students a) currently in the system and B) projected future enrolments. The result of this underfunding is that universities face a restricted EFTS (equivalent full time student) environment where the University can no longer sustain growth and at times will look

3. Restricted entry based on limited entry to courses in subsequent years. Currently applied to certain subjects such as Law, Medicine Creative Design etc, this option could be applied in a wider framework.

4. Lifting the fee maxima to allow more students to be cross-subsidised. Another point suggested by the NZVCC to allow increased funding of the institution.

5. Decreasing the number of courses there are

Breaking News

to restrict enrolments to fit within the capped model. Articles in the Herald last week with statements by Massey and AUT have confirmed that institutions will need to put in measures to control numbers.

As students, it is important that we are prepared to consider all scenarios currently being thought about nationally to help universities cope with the unexpected influx of students. These scenarios could include but are not limited to 1. A lifting of the cap to allow increased enrolments - This is what is currently being advocated by the New Zealand Vice Chancellors Committee and NZUSA 2. Restricted entry based on increased academic criteria for entry (at entry point)Currently happening in Auckland and being considered by other universities

by spreading EFTS across fewer papers and courses. This method has been signaled as a possibility by AUT and Awanuiarangi, This has been signaled by our own University in the Pathways College The application of any changes will be significant to the student body. All options as presented before you are options that have consequences and it is crucial that when our university is considering the ‘enrolments versus funding’ issue it considers the implications these option will have on students. The current work of your student organisation is to lobby the government both at a local MP level and at a national level through NZUSA towards increasing funding in the sector so the burden of selection does not have to be placed on our institution.

the effects on students must be considered through any change. The standard of quality and support should, at the bare minimum, be the same or if not higher during and after completion of the change process. We hope to update you all on the progress of this as we have more information.

In light of the ever changing environment the WSU has arranged an opportunity for interested students to meet with the Vice Chancellor on Tuesday September 8th at 11.30 -12.30 at LG.04 Kia kaha e hoa ma Prez

The University last week announced a restructuring to its staff which changes the shape in which the university looks from an internal perspective. The WSU is now working through the implications of the suggested changes and preparing a response. The main points we will make in relation to any change are that students need to be informed throughout the change process and that

Also, please read Grant Burns’ article: Colossal University reconstruction on the cards, - it’s on page 6.

Veep Speaks

By WSU Vice President-Maori Whetu Taukamo On the evening of Wednesday 5 August was held the third University of Waikato: Te Mura Haka Ngahuru – Super 10’s Kapa Haka competition.

The event was hosted by the Pro-Vice Chancellor Māori Office and the mighty WSU. In the past two years the event was located in the Dance Studio and Te Whare Tapere Iti. This year it took place inside the superb WEL Energy Trust Academy of Performing Arts Centre.

The basic rules for the competition are: (1) your team can only contain a maximum of 10 performers; (2) the main element to be portrayed is kapa haka but performances are very contemporary incorporating modern and relevant themes; (3) each routine must contain four aspects in the performance i.e. an entrance piece, poi, haka and exit.

This year the four teams that entered were Tūhoe Potiki, Nga Takerenui o Nga Waka (defending champs), Nga Ninjas (yes, there were Māori ninjas back in the day!), Nga Mauri Taniwha.

Each year those wanting to attend exceeded the seating allocation which resulted (sadly) in the turning away of many people wanting to see the 24

action. I was an usher at the event and the hardest part of the night was turning away international students because the venue was full and too small. Not to worry, next year this will be rectified! Great to see huge interest from a range of the community in attendance.

The standard of the performances was high and exceed the standard set in previous years. The categories for prizes were: Nga kakahu (best costume) which was won by Nga Takere Nui o Nga Waka; te reo (the language) won by Nga Mauri Taniwha, auahatanga (WOW factor) won

by Nga Ninjas.

The overall winning team (who thoroughly deserved to win) was the defending champions - Nga Takerenui o Nga waka…mauriora whanau!

Check out the photos of the evening on the other page.

WSU

Nga mihi - thanks to all the teams that entered...Defending Champs Nga Takerenui o Nga Waka win again

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WSU

Upcoming WSU Events

Winter Gaming With the help of the WSU, a team of around 15 kids are heading down to paradise over the break to compete in the Uni Winter Games ’09. The team will play survivor in Wanaka for a week or so and compete against other Universities on the snow. We’re all about participation here at Waikato, so most of us will be competing well beyond our capabilities in events such as slope style, boarder cross, half-pipe, slalom and big air (probably with

WSU Board Meeting Thursday 20 August 2-4pm in Guru Phabians Lounge (ask at WSU reception if you need directions) the help of a few brews beforehand, although some members of the team have actual talent).

So while you’re all hanging out at the library doing assignments over the break, spare a thought for the snow team (at least you can laugh at us when we all come back with goggle tans).

Recycling on campus now considerably easier The stations around campus now provide you with the opportunity to dispose of your waste responsibly. Plastics, glass, cans, the new recycle stations are a great opportunity to minimise waste. These stations, originally designed by engineering students, are an initiative from the University of Waikato Environmental Policy Committee.

Encouraging recycling can be challenging. But across campus you now have the opportunity to dispose of your bottles (green brown and clear) cans, and plastics. Take the time to love New Zealand, recycle.

Election time is coming around, who is going to throw their name in the hat to get on board with the Waikato Student’s Union? It’ll provide

you with some valuable experience in how to deal with being in the middle of a large organisation, whose job is to lobby an even larger organization and, above all, represent students. Get involved, at the very least, come to the Annual General Meeting 23rd September and see how the contenders for next year’s Directors deal with any questions put to them.

Two ways to love New Zealand; Recycle, and get involved in a voluntary organisation.

Last Friday the Uni fields, gyms, and Hamilton Lake were invaded over by over 700 athletes and supporters from ten different tertiary institutions, battling it out for the coveted Northern Tertiary Challenge Shield. The WSU Tertiary Challenge involved teams of guys and gals from each institution competing at touch rugby, soccer, ultimate frisbee, rowing, volleyball, netball, and basketball. The Shield has been sitting in WSU offices since last year, when we snatched it from the greedy grasp of the JAFAs. The athletes turned up bright and early to a perfect Hamilton day (one of about three we seem to have every winter...), determined to take the mighty Waikato down... and failing epically.

We dominated the challenge, winning five out of seven events and securing the shield for another year. The volleyball, rowing, netball, soccer, and ultimate frisbee teams came out on top by a mile, with the two touch teams coming second and third respectively, the ultimate frisbee B team coming second, and the basketball team coming third. Everyone had a great day filled with free food and drinks from the WSU and ZM crew, as well as listening to a running commentary from well known comedian Steve Wrigley (who certainly made Director Anya’s day when she got a hug from him after giggling and running away every time he came near). The event was a huge success, and we look forward to taking

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WULSA Law Ball (21st August) tickets on sale outside the Law School (if there are any tickets left?)

Adult Learners Week (6-13 September) Celebrating mature students, WSU Sole parent/Caregiver scholarship awarded WSU Nominations open (7-18 September) put up or shut up, your opportunity to run for your Waikato Students’ Union Pride Week (12-20 September) WSU Director Campaigns (21 Sep-2 Oct) Vote for me, vote for me…

WSU AGM Directors speeches (23 September) I have a dream…

Hakinakina (30 September) Interschool Maori Sports International Noho Marae (2nd-3rd October) The opportunity for International students to experience Maori culture, including an overnight stay on a Marae

on the best of the rest again next year. A big congrats from the WSU to all of our athletes, as well as those that got off their bums to support them!

WULSA Presents the

Law Ball

Get ready to Wonka 21st August at Mystery Creek

After party at Furnace

DJ Wiggles & Guests MC Tua Jacob on Sax Tickets on sale now Tickets available from the Waikato Student’s Union and from Law Reception between 12-2pm everyday

momento espresso aotearoa

NOTICES

The Nexus Noticeboard Send notices to notices@nexusmag.co.nz before Wednesday, 5 pm. Placing notices is free for students. We don’t always have much space, so get in quick! Notices cannot be any more than 75 words unless you ask us specifically and we say yes. They will roll over every two weeks, unless specified – so please, tell us how long you want us to run your notice for. We will not accept handwritten or otherwise non-electronic notices or dictation over the phone – that’s stone-age shit. If you (somehow) don’t have access to email or a computer, come into the offices and use one of our computers to type up your notice. Ta.

Flats and Mates Flatmate wanted. One room of five available.

Hamilton East. Ten minutes walk from uni.

Close to shops. $100 including power, phone and internet. email ryalkane@ihug.co.nz or ring Ross at 0212651764.

Need somewhere to live? Well this might be relevant to your interests. Close to uni and grey st shops, our place is great for those who prefer to travel on foot although for those of you that drive there’s plenty of parking space.

Already living are 2 guys and 1 girl, all at uni. $88 pw covers rent, power, internet and flat basics. Furnished w single bed. TXT Joseph now 0276988407 Flatmate wanted: Someone who isn’t: Annoying (captain obvious), unhygienic (seat urinator, pubic hair moulter), stupid, lazy, a loner (please have your own life), a chonric singer to lame songs (aka audioslave) or a food thief. If you are none of the above, we want you to replace our flatmate who is all of the above (he doesn’t know hes out yet). $90 a week for everything apart from food.

Room is small but sunny, big enough for all your stuff. We have a heatpump Close to uni & shops Text 0273581931 or 0272822620 Flatmate wanted for a 4 bedroom house on Dey st (10-15 minute walk 2 uni). Rent is $96.75 per week. Includes power, phone and broadband (unlimited data). The house is warm and fully furnished apart from the bedroom. Live with 3 females, 1 studying, 2 working. Offstreet parking is avaliable and the house is down a long shared driveway so it’s fairly secure. Text or ring 0274257772 or 021885553

Flatmate wanted: One bedroom available in a clean and tidy four bedroom apartment style building with off street parking. There are 3 existing flatmates, 2 female (ages 20 &21), 1 male (age 20) all in third year at uni.

We pay $100 rent, +$50 for food, power, broadband and phone. We are a friendly flat and are looking for someone who is easy going and fun! We don’t party every weekend but do every now and then! :) Contact us on 0274229602 Friendly, reliable, tidy person wanted to move in with two guys and one chick. 3 min walk to Engineering block, 5 min walk to Management block. $120 pw inclusive of wireless internet, unlimited national calling, power and some foods. Text Libby - 0273375714.

come and listen to international speaker ross patterson conduct a series of presentations that will give credibility to the bible through archaeological findings from the middle east. starting sunday 23 august at 7:00pm at the waikato university campus ,block s, lecture theatre 1.04. any further inquiries contact catherine on (07) 8556827 or 0274835777 Fighting Fit Boxing club is a non-profit boxing club on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, 6:30pm-8pm at 90b Commerce St, Frankton. Dr Raymond Richards, Senior Lecturer in the History Dept, is the Assistant Coach. The club welcomes male and female students looking to get fit and/or box competitively. Boxing is excellent cardio training with a focus on core strength. Low fees.

Inquiries Jeff 021 737 597.

3 rooms available for rent (two inside, one large sleep out) 66 may street Hamilton east Two shower’s Super back yard heaps of fruit tree’s and sun Car port and two garages Great neighbourhood! 5 min walk from uni super close Bond per person required.

Flatmate Wanted Very sunny room available in quiet house on Fox St. 15 min walk from Uni, close to town and Cambridge Rd shops. Rent is negotiable, but approx $120 including power, phone and internet. Internationals welcome. 1 male and 1 female flatmate atm, both studying, good sense of humour, social but focused on study.

Will be here till Feb so great if you need a place for summer, just gimme a txt on 021555571 =)

Random amazing discoveries presents! can we believe biblical events actually took place?

Student looking to set up University based Anime club. University and non-university members accepted. If interested please e-mail n00bleeroy@aol.com or text/ring 0212596154.

No stupid jokes or comments please…

Winner of the Spark t-shirt competition: Anna Hodge Vocalist wanted for rock band, mainly playing originals, no experience necessary but enthusiasm and energy a must, gender irrelevant. If interested contact Smash on 0276661854 Hi can you please run thise notice in the next edition, please contact me on the number below if you need confirmation that this ad is genuine, thanks: Damian, 25 yo male for ladies pleasure. Discreet. $50 per hour. Phone 0272423336.

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COLUMNS

BOGANOLOGY 101 by burton c bogan

Beer Pressure Disclaimer: This article does not in any way aim to persecute or degrade alcoholism – if you honestly have a problem then it’s fair enough to cut down or cut out alcohol altogether.

I like booze. Booze is good. I mentioned previously that the Burton inner child is back, but now there’s that internalised struggle of wondering if a 29 year old man should still be drinking every weekend. But there’s the problem – where’s the “should” coming from? Politicians? So you’re telling me they don’t drink while they’re in all those taxpayer funded dinners? I’ve met some really cool people while drunk, sure I’ve struggled to remember their names, but the flipside is if I hadn’t been drinking at the bar in the first place I wouldn’t have met them. I’ve heard booze described as a social lubricant – personally, I wouldn’t use that term because it makes me think that if you use beer as a lubricant there’s gonna be a yeast infection.

Wow guess I decided to go the puerile way again? If you’ve been reading my column for the four years I’ve been writing it you know that I’ve done some dumb but funny shit while drunk. I’ve had half naked slap fights over gay tattoos, in my younger days I ran into a wall for a $50 dare, stage dived at Axces and worn a skirt into town to pub “skirt nights” (really cheap drinks if you were a guy wearing a skirt). I mean,

sure I looked like Bugs Bunny when he used to cross dress but I’d just reassert my masculinity by drinking beer with manly names like Stag or Viking. I still think they should bring out a beer called Machismo. It’d make a killing.

How does this relate to Metal? Watch a Metal DVD and you’ll see.

Perhaps it’s part of the working class culture of Thrash and Death Metal (me faves) but alcohol plays a large part. If you look at the alcohols associated with Bogans then it fits – beer with a “working class image” (Waikato or Lion Red), Bourbon and Whiskey. Alcohol also plays a part for those who don’t drink. Straight Edge Metallers like to proclaim that they don’t put drugs like alcohol in their bodies – even the denial of something can still mean it’s a key part of identity. Rejection or even objectivity is still asserting a position.

Wow that all got mature didn’t it? For me personally, I think it’s about a balance. I get drunk regularly, but I still (I’d like to think anyway) live up to my responsibilities, I have the odd rough night where I do (or more often say) things I regret but as long as it’s not really bad its fine. To paraphrase Bill Hicks I’ve had some rough experiences involving sex but I’m sure as hell not giving that up.

Everything in moderation – including moderation.

AGONY ART

By Art I’m sick and tired of hearing people bitch and moan about how Nexus is “boring” and how it’s “too rude” and “not funny”. When was the last time any of you peasant scum tried to put a magazine together? When ‘s the last time you drooling Neanderthals wrote something other than a management essay? How about never! Where’s all of your articles and columns to improve Nexus and make it less ‘boring’ and ‘rude’ and more ‘funny’?

Nowhere, that’s where.

And somehow, crawling up from the conservative/mature student branch of the student population, people like William have gotten their hands on computers and written letters to the editor. Well William, in the words of Henry the VIII when he heard he couldn’t get divorced: FUCK THAT! It’s a student magazine and what the students want is the knowledge on how to perform a reach around, on how to get drunk men hard and how to make small boobs seem big. Students want to know where to drink and where to root! Students want to know how many vibrators are too many! And they want to know all of this without having some pious git preaching to them about how a university magazine for young people is supposed to function. Kiss my black arse.

And my pink belly.

So, what I want you filthy minded individuals out there to do is email me. Email me like motherfuckers. I want dirty pictures, I want funny

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stories and, most of all, I want questions that’ll make the rest of us wonder what exactly is wrong with you. I won’t publish your name, unless it’s specifically requested, so all my knowledge can be accessed pretty safely in the magazine. You can chuckle with your friends about how putting a candle in your arse and lighting it is a good way to get off, then run home and bust out your earthquake supplies and drop trousers. No one needs to know! Fuck, no one wants to know! Email me! at agonyart@nexusmag.co.nz!

So get typing, you sexy, dirty little buggers! Lets take back this magazine from the moralists and the ‘pure of heart’ and have a good fucking chuckle about vaginas and penises and three-ways with our cousins!

That address again! agonyart@nexusmag.co.nz!

Viva la herpes! Viva la butt plugs! Viva la Agony Art! PS, next week I’ll be talking about the best way to organise a threesome.

But not with my cousin.

In case we didn’t bang it into you hard enough before, here is Agony Art’s email address, one more time: agonyart@ nexusmag.co.nz. Email him, you filth-ridden scum!

COLUMNS

ESSENCE OF ANNOYING Blair Munro is losing it

Every now and again, your humble writer runs out of things to rant about. Today is another of those days. Two weeks ago, last time I was featured in the pages of yon Nexus, a friend came up to me and casually pointed out that my column didn’t really have a focus.

It is because of this statement that I make a request to all the students out there (no, this isn’t one of those “Please write letters to us and express opinions” attempts to instigate a response; I’ll get on to that later), do something! You are the current events which we observers focus our thoughts through. Do something! Crash a lecture, make a lot of noise in public, do something that someone won’t like you for.

They say a good man has no enemies, but at least a man with enemies has stories to tell. Think about it now, before the dementia sets in, what kind of life would you rather have? One where you haven’t done

soapbox to stand on. To this old lady, I propose that before you offer a man a soapbox from which he can imagine himself standing at Hyde Park, make damn sure you’ve got one.

This old biddy sat for a fair few minutes having a go at me, because she wanted to eat her lunch in peace and quiet. I deemed it best not to point out that she was sitting outside a café playing heavy metal music at a decibel level that only just failed to drown me out.

Make an enemy, for shit’s sake! Do something that might make it back to me, that would give me inspiration to write a decent column for a change. Go out and piss someone off. It isn’t hard.

Anyway, about the people writing letters about apathy and the life, fuck right off. Not sure if you’ve realized, but the apathetic are the ones who rule the world. Through our inaction, your action seems significant. You

anything wrong, with no toes trodden upon, or a life full or conflict and triumph, a life someone would make a movie about?

DO SOMETHING! A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at one of my local haunts, making more noise than usual, until this bitter old lady asked me if I wanted a

owe your achievements to us. The rulers you choose, the laws you pass, the things you stand for. These are simply the things we choose not to stand against.

THE FEMININE FILES

By Mavis and Gertrude

Chivalry.

The concept of chivalry is historically associated with the ideals of knightly virtues, honour, and courtly love. In modern times it involves guys doing nice things for girls like holding doors open, giving up their seats to girls on a crowded bus, and holding an umbrella over them in the rain. Chivalry is general gentleness and graciousness to all women.

Girls, if a guy does this, APPRECIATE IT. Don’t look at them like they’re dirty rapey scumbags. Rapey scumbags won’t hold doors open for you, they’ll pin you up against them. Or strangle you on the dance floor (yeah, we saw you assault that girl on Saturday night at Altitude, you douchebag. You deserve a penile amputation).

Girls nowadays seem to act like they don’t need chivalry from men. It’s against feminism, or some such junk. They seem to think that a man holding a door open for them is insinuating that they’re not capable of doing it themselves, or want sex in return for such favours.

Here’s a hint: Don’t be ridiculous. Sometimes it’s just a guy being courteous, and to throw that back in their faces makes you a bitch.

How would you like it if you did something nice for someone random and they threw it back in your face? No wonder chivalrous deeds have decreased. Just accept the kindness and thank them for it. It’s simple.

They’re not doing it because they want to do you, they’re doing it because their mothers brought them up to treat women respectfully.

You’d want your son to be nice like that, right?

Chivalry should be repaid with kindness, and not by just taking it for granted. Show that you appreciate it. Every girl wants a knight in shining armour. If she says she doesn’t, she’s lying.

Knights are the new pirates, because pirates are getting a pretty bad rep with the shenanigans in Somalia. Knights are chivalrous, classy and brave. For boys new to the whole chivalry thing, there are seven simple characteristics involved: Courage: Even when you have to do boring tasks, face them with a brave heart.

Justice: Be fair, and don’t be the guy who fudges the small stuff.

Mercy: Don’t get hostile. Just because you can waste him, doesn’t mean you should.

Generosity: With material goods, but also with your time and your wisdom.

Faith: Not so much in the gods, but in terms of keeping promises and such-like.

Nobility: Uphold your convictions, without being a snob.

Hope: Always be positive.

Men, following these seven simple rules will make you a real knight – the modern kind. Women will fall at your feet. Women, if you meet a man like this, treat him nice, even if he’s just holding a door open for you. Men like this are the best kind.

Girls, we should be encouraging chivalry, not shunning it. Otherwise chivalry will die for good and I’m sure you’ll be happy to complain about that.

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COLUMNS

Piecing together what you done last night using nothing but the Outbox of your phone and the stamps on your arm is more stimulating than an episode of Blue’s Clues

Kirill Investigates: Alcohol

by Kirill Let’s begin with a few undeniable facts. C’s get degrees. Slurring your words is hot. Stumbling and vomiting is attractive. Sleeping until 3PM is fun. Piecing together what you done last night using nothing but the Outbox of your phone and the stamps on your arm is more stimulating than an episode of Blue’s Clues.

Along those lines, the last fact that we have all admitted and submitted ourselves to is… alcohol is fun, and there are absolutely no negative effects to it.

But there are traps. It is easy to drink ineffectively, thereby not maximizing your enjoyment or awesomeness from it.

So… let’s investigate! (and while I write, I will also PARTICIPATE)… … it means that I will drink as I investigate: *Kirill begins drinking*

drinking awards. Easiest place to find it is the liquor store on Silverdale Rd, I call it Jay’s..

Jay doesn’t work there anymore though.

For those who are willing to spend the cash, Zubrovka is a Polish (?) vodka that is so smooth you can drink it like a 15 year old who just found out they are pregnant, and enjoy every second*drinks, twice* . No mixer is required, or recommended, as it is already flavored by some kind of Polish grass…or buffalo (there is a picture of one on the label). If you are in downtown Auckland, there is a liquor store selling the world’s only legal Thujone Vodka.

So if hallucinations are your thing, go for it.

Also, Jay’s has black vodka (it turns red if you hold it to the sun, and blue if you mix it… like strangling a Smurf).

(Editor’s Note: In the interest of historical accuracy, we have preserved Kirill’s various typos and other errors in what follows.)

Hey, and you know *hiccup, drink* what?

Yeah? Good? ABSINTHE. Don’t buy it. Nope.

Not from *drinks* normal liquor store. NO! Hapsburg Absinthe is no more than petrol, green body paint, hooker spit and liquorices.

Go to “La Dome”, just past Burger King, they have Czech absinthe. This stuff is relatively genuine *drinks*. The nice people at the store will also show you how to prepare it properly. *drinks*. You can also buy some bread there *drinks*. I’m hungry. *drinks* Kebabs anyone?

Vodka: Vodka is a refreshing drink enjoyed by all ages. It alone has the power to make you much cooler than you are. In fact, my mum *drinks*used to be kinda cool. But when she got pregnant with me, and began drinking Vodka in earnest, people thought she was really cool. She soon came to be known as the queen of the Discotec. Unfortunately*drinks*, most of you haven’t quite got the grasp of it.

Smirnoff is not good vodka, it makes you “OK to hang out with at best”. For student budget awesomeness please begging consuming Still. It is $3 cheaper than Smirnoff, bottled by the people who do 42 below, and has one numerous prestigious *drinks* binge

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While there, ask them to show you the ingredients for a Kir Royal, or Kir Imperial. *drinks* Also, ask about Cognac…it’s like whisky made by classy men who like chocolate, and not whisky. *drink* Oh…god *barfff*uyfedl jkvul/g

REVIEW

THE PHAT CONTROLLER

Wii Sports Resort Review

by Flash Medallion

After a few years of flailing our arms at imaginary objects, Nintendo has released the MotionPlus, a little doodacky that clicks onto the end of your Wiimote and increases the accuracy of your flailing to the level that it was supposed to be back when the Wii was released. It comes bundled with Wii Sports Resort, which is a new collection of little games just like the original Wii Sports, only this time loosely themed around tropical island activities.

The most accurate game on the list is Frisbee throwing, fortunately with the brand-name licensed by Nintendo so there’s none of this Ultimate Flying Nonsense. The first game involves throwing a Frisbee on the beach to an adorable little Mii-doggy. You get a high score by throwing the Frisbee so it curves through balloons and then arrives towards the centre of a target where the doggy jumps up and catches it. Doing well enough at this unlocks Frisbee golf, where you progress along a golf-course but by using your Frisbee skills.

Frisbee throwing is hard. Combined with the surreal accuracy of the MotionPlus, this is the most frustrating and rewarding game by far, probably best summed up by the old Frisbee law that says the Frisbee goes where your elbow points. After continually throwing the Frisbee off target, I eventually stopped in my living room and noticed my elbow pointing off to the side of the TV. Uncanny.

At the other end of the spectrum are the games like Wakeboarding, Power Cruising (Jet-skiing, not taking P and trolling for gays), Canoeing and Cycling. Wakeboarding involves holding the remote in front of you like you’re holding a wakeboard towbar, doing jumps

over wake, and trying to keep it flat when you land. Jetskiing is exactly that, using the wiimote and nunchuck to steer and revving one of them to speed up. Canoeing is using it to paddle. Cycling is using each controller as a pedal and wiggling them up and down when you are pedaling, and steering when you aren’t pedaling. You’re required to monitor your Mii’s fitness, draft behind other cyclists, and come first. Now these games don’t really simulate their sports like some of the others, but it doesn’t mean they’re bad by any means.

The actually gameplay itself is great; watching your Mii wakeboarding and learning to judge how to land the jumps is fine in itself, it’s just that there’s a bigger abstraction between what you are doing and what is being represented visually. If you’ve ever played games with a controller or a keyboard then this shouldn’t be a huge shock to you.

In the end, this is what motion control is really all about, and the real benefit of titles like Wii Play, Sports and Sports Resort is that Nintendo get to demonstrate how developers can get the most out of the tech. When most people think of motion control they want to swing swords around and shoot guns, and the Swordplay and Archery games show this off very, very well. These are the highlights of the package and if green tunics are your thing then this will be your fix for a year at least (or until the new Zelda, rumoured to feature proper motion controls, comes out) The main advantage to motion control, however, is that it can be used to simplify gameplay.

Gone are the obscure methods of simulating the complex nature of swinging a golf club, launching a bowling ball, or going for a three

pointer. The 3-on-3 basketball minigame is not particularly detailed in itself; you don’t control movement, just pass between three players before taking a shot. I was missing all the time until I clicked that the mechanics of shooting weren’t too far removed from button-pressing basketball games, but rather instead of an array of power meters, angle meters, and buttons to press it was all boiled down to deft manipulation of my wand, that in a basic but satisfying way gave me the feeling of timing and shooting a sweet three-pointer.

The Golf and Bowling get a re-master for Sports Resort, and if you ever found yourself putting way too much curve on a bowling ball or accidently smacking the shit out of a 2-foot putt then you’ll love the updated accuracy.

Golf is a real joy to play now.

Tennis gets a re-hash as Table Tennis, and the extra control makes for epic rallies. The response is accurate enough for you to hold the paddle however you want, including the way Olympic players hold it so you can put some mad spin on the ball. There’s an “Air Sports” mode which involves flying a plane around the island collecting tokens and such, and makes up the semblance of long-term play. The each sport also has badges you can collect, ranging from basic stuff to defeating a swordplay opponent with a thrust to getting perfect scores on the archery range, bowling a turkey, or smacking your table-tennis opponent in the face with the ball. Sports Resorts is well worth the pickup price for the freedom of the new controls and the opportunity to get your skills together before Red Steel 2 comes out.

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REVIEW

Book Review: Emily the Strange -The Lost Days Reviewed by Louise Blackstock

The Lost Days is the first venture into novels for Emily the Strange, the icon for goth-lite girls who want to conform to the nonconformist ideal. It’s not a particularly strong novel in its own right – it seems to be written as another thing for girls to tote around in their badgecovered tote bags trying to look alternative.

I really can’t give you a thorough review unless I actually go back and finish the whole thing, but it’s been sitting in my room for about three weeks and the desire to finish it has never overwhelmed me. And it’s not even a particularly long book. Usually I’ll do anything to procrastinate from uni work.

The story involves Emily arriving in the small town of Blackrock, carrying a notebook and a slingshot. She has no memory of who she is or how she got there. It’s kind of an adventure-

The illustrations are quite cool, but Emily is drawn in her traditional simplistic way and everything else is a different style of drawing, so they don’t fit together smoothly. It’s like

mystery, except it’s so boring that I skipped most of it. She basically just wanders around, calls herself Earwig (I guess because Jane or Sarah aren’t strange enough?), and hangs out a lot at a coffee shop snarking on things. A bunch of cats start stalking her, and random stuff happens, but most of the characters were really boring and unlikeable.

someone drew her face in later.

If you’re a fan of Emily the Strange and all her strangeness, you might like it. It definitely fits the requirement of being strange. But I guess the requirement of being a decent book was ignored. But, hey as long as Emily the Strange

is on it, people will buy it. It’s a bit stupid though – just ‘coz you like drawings doesn’t mean you’ll like the book. I guess all I can say is that you’ll already know if this is a book you want to read.

“Jim realised too late that objects in lens may be closer than they appear”

With Captain Ahab Thar she blows! The Winning Caption! Quickly, Ishmael! To the harpoons! Bring it in!

“Jim realised too late that objects in lens may be closer than they appear” Aaargh! Jed, ye scoundrel of the Nexus Forums! Ye have won this week, to be certain!

But there be honourable mentions!

“The courtship ritual began with a Cossack dance for 5’s intended” – Harlief Skankhammer III 34

“Only then did the Number 5 realize his fly was down” – paranoidmystic Ahoy, readers! Here be next week’s pickcha!

Ye too can enter, through this simple trick!

Simply direct ye harpoons to either captions@ nexusmag.co.nz OR enter the watery depths of the Nexus Forums, at forums.nexusmag.co.nz – and look ye for the caption competition!

Yarr! I’m off, to think me of a gimmick character to introduce the competition next week! Ahoy!

REVIEW

DVD: The Spirit Directed by Frank Miller

Reviewed by Paul Barlow

I am a hard man to please when it comes to my movies, I want fresh and original, fun and exciting, or heartfelt and sincere, and to be honest The Spirit didn’t feel that way to me. It tries too hard to pay homage to the original comic, while remaining in the same visually stylistic world as Miller’s previous cinematic creations, 300 and Sin City. However, without Snyders masterful use of time in a cinematic world and Rodriguez’s innate ability to tell a story on a number of levels, this film seems to fall flat.

watching Torchwood or X-Men and thought “hey Captain Jack and Wolverine heal and don’t die, that’d be useful in a crime fighting vigilante”. While not the biggest mistake since Schumacher put nipples on the Batsuit, it is still one which makes you stop caring about the fate of the hero cause he’ll always survive and he’s nowhere near as awesome as Wolverine or as cocky as Captain Jack so he doesn’t really pull it off.

The visual style of the film is clearly Miller’s.

The high contrast, black and white-ness of

So, really, what is the Spirit?? It is a love letter from Miller to a friend and colleague first and

One of the elements that worked well in the original comics was the everyman aspect of the title character. The Spirit, created by comic legend Will Eisner, is a vigilante on a quest to better the city he loves. With his classically racist 1930 stereotype of a sidekick he’d battle the bad guys. The character was human though, he had his faults and was able to die – a characteristic we all share, but when writing this movie it seems Miller was

it all clearly harks back to the original comic.

The blood red tie stands out brilliantly, the green-screen world is a visual feast for the eyes and this is by far the films strong point. Sam Jackson (who is always brilliant in everything from a preaching hit man through to a rich businessman who gets eaten by a genetically engineered shark,) camps it up for the role of the Octopus, a crazy city coroner who has a thing for costumes.

foremost, but as a result of the closeness to the material and its creator Miller has made something that won’t universally appeal. It feels like watching a Sin City rip-off where a great actor like Jackson has to slum it with someone like Eva Mendes, an actress so bad she made Nic Cage look OK-ish in Ghostrider.

Ultimately this is a film to watch when no one else is about, so they don’t make fun of you for looking at it.

Auteur House Does Not Particularly Mourn John Hughes

By Dr Richard Swainson

It is considered poor form to speak ill of the dead. The presumption is that the very act of passing from this world washes away sin, bad manners, and any and all crimes and misdemeanours committed by the recently deceased. Whatever injustices or harm done by the person when alive can be set aside, at least during the period of mourning.

It is an interesting theory, one I don’t particularly subscribe to. What better time to give a full and fair appraisal of an individual’s worth when they have just shuffled off the mortal coil? If you were a bastard in life you remain a bastard in death.

Which brings me to John Hughes. It seems to me that many of the things that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are accused of as populist filmmakers - of ‘dumbing down’ mainstream cinema, of instilling a ‘blockbuster’ mentality in audiences by pandering to their base instincts and desires, of creating and perpetuating a bland, unchallenging entertainment formula to pacify the masses - can be more accurately levelled at Hughes, who died on August 6th.

The 1980s was a dire decade for American film, especially when considered in comparison to the Hollywood ‘silver age’ that preceded it.

Hughes was commonly thought a kind of commercial poet of the era, examining the teenage experience in both superficial melodramas (“The Breakfast Club”) and wish-fulfilment comedies (“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”). Regressing still further, albeit as a writer, he then instigated two of the most mind-numbingly awful family movie cycles ever: the “Home Alone” and “Beethoven” franchises.

I remain happily ignorant of the two Molly Ringwald vehicles that Hughes crafted for his largetoothed muse, “Pretty in Pink” and “Sixteen Candles”. If “The Breakfast Club” is anything to go by they probably suffer from contrivance and a feeling of artificiality that comes from the fact that their author is a fat guy in his 30s trying to remember what high school was really like.

The insight and wit of Cameron Crowe’s “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” will be sorely lacking.

If we are looking for saving graces in the thankfully truncated Hughes career they are to be found in a couple of comedies that do deliver some belly laughs and even the odd poignant moment. His script for “National Lampoon’s Vacation” gives Chevy Chase something to work with and his “Planes, Train and Automobiles” succeeds in turning Steve Martin and John Candy into a latter day Laurel and Hardy. Perhaps Hughes should have stayed away from the kids, the teens and the big dogs and written exclusively for middle aged refugees from “Saturday Night Live”.

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REVIEW

MOVIE REVIEW this movie is little more than a B-grade doppelganger to ‘Iron Man’, but lacking the awesomeness of brilliant performances

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Dir: Stephen Sommers. Starring: Channing Tatum, Christopher Eccleston, Sienna Miller.

Reviewed by Morgon deGroot

The Plot: How two of the main G.I. Joe characters came to join the group in the not too distant future and fight a villain with a fondness for nanotech weaponry. Lots of dumb fun ensues.

The Review: This film can be summarised with the concept of ‘Mixed Douche-Baggery’, in that it never really shines from being a poor mashup of ‘Iron Man’, ‘Bond’ and ‘Transformers’. In fact, watching the first 15 minutes and you’d be convinced that they’d stolen the convoy sequence from ‘Iron Man’ and rehashed it. In fact, this movie is little more than a B-grade doppelganger to ‘Iron Man’, but lacking the awesomeness of brilliant performances, flawless CGI or superbly choreographed action sequences. It’s the ugly cousin.

G.I. Joe comes across as mixed, and little of it merits a positive review.

The acting is generally poor from the protagonists, and the scriptwriters have made the crucial flaw of making the baddies more entertaining that the goodies, distracting the viewer from whatever emotional support they are supposed to possess for the G.I. Joes. Especially, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who you might remember from ‘3rd Rock from the Sun’, who provides a sterling performance as genius/scientist/villain Cobra.

And while Eccleston’s ‘Destro’ is thoroughly enjoyable, his inconsistent Scottish accent leaves the viewer wanting. The members of the G.I. Joe force have an appallingly forced chemistry, especially between Marlon Wayan’s ‘Ripcord’ and Rachel Nichol’s ‘Scarlett’, with the latter’s purpose seeming to be to entertain male viewers with tight leather outfits.

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Indeed, the same goes for Sienna Miller’s scenes, which involve more than enough cleavage to do the same.

The CGI in this film suffers from a lack of consistency with quality, at times lazily swinging between good and awful within scenes. Again, this kind of ‘do some bits good and they’ll never notice the bad bits’ theme has run through. The action sequences, which are generally coupled with the so-so CGI, manage to entertain, but they come across as cluttered and unfocused. In the end it’s a lot like watching a car crash in slow motion – entertaining, sure, but once it’s finished, there’s not a lot to keep the focus and you end up drifting off. That was a terrible metaphor, I know.

I walked out of the theatre buzzing, but trying to compile the merits of this film I find myself struggling. It’s not that this movie is bad, it’s just not good. The difference being that you’ll probably enjoy the film like I did, but for no real reason than 118 minutes of explosions, tight leather and science fiction can leave the mind numbed enough to stop the discerning viewer from hating it.

The Verdict: While it may not possess the wit and sophistication of ‘Iron Man’ or the technical prowess of ‘Transformers’, it is an enjoyable, if unmemorable, film that is likely too hit-and-miss to please the masses.

Expect a sequel.

REVIEW

CITRIC Nick Johnston

Minuit will be back in town on Friday 21st August for the local release party of ‘Find Me Before I Die A Lonely Death dot Com’. I haven’t had a chance to review the album yet, but press has been positive so it looks like this is a show that shouldn’t be missed. The following night, Ladi6 will be returning to Hamilton.

Both of these shows are on at Flow bar on Victoria St. Minuit is $19.50, Ladi6 is $15+bf for presells (available from Flow and CD & DVD store Centreplace).

The 2009 Apra Silver Scroll finalists were recently announced, celebrating some of the best local songs of the year. Some are great songs, some not so hot… The nominees are: Dimmer – Degrees of Existence, Jess Chambers – Island, Lawrence Arabia – Apple Pie Bed, Phil Madsen – Dancing On the Moon, Midnight Youth – The Letter.

Them Crooked Vultures, the much talked about super-supergroup consisting of Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age), Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters, Nirvana), John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin) and Alain Johannes (ex-Queens of the Stone Age), made their live debut at the Metro club in Chicago. I wouldn’t bother YouTubing this – all of the handheld footage of the concert is terrible and unlistenable – but

hopefully we will have more details about future tours and a possible album release.

Gin Wigmore is set to release her debut album in October, named Holy Smoke.

4. The White Stripes – White Blood Cells: Another fantastic record from Jack and

Somehow she managed to recruit The Cardinals (of Ryan Adams and The Cardinals fame) as her band for the album. The very catchy single Oh My can be heard on her MySpace page.

In bizarre music news, it looks like Bob Dylan is set to record a Christmas album… oh dear..

would no doubt be furious that Lateralus isn’t #1 on the list. It is a very good dark, brooding album, but not their best album to date.

6. Weezer – The Green Album: Highly enjoyable pop rock from the Los Angeles quartet.

7. Radiohead – Anmesiac: Not quite as good as Kid A (recorded in the same sessions), but a great record none-the-less.

8. Gorillaz – Gorillaz: The debut album from Damon Albarn’s side project is another great pop gem.

9. Rufus Wainwright – Poses: Brilliant chamber pop, a career high point for the Canadian-American singer-songwriter.

10. Muse – Origin of Symmetry: A highly enjoyable pop-prog album but still only hinting at greatness of their more recent releases.

Great Albums of 2000-2009

Top Ten 2001

1. The Strokes – Is This It: Love it or hate it, this is probably one of the most influential releases of the decade. Bloc Party, Franz Ferdinand, Kings of Leon and numerous other bands have had very successful careers lately thanks to the commercial success of this album. Not a bad little record either!

2. The Shins – Oh Inverted World: Fantastic indie pop album, always a joy to listen to.

3. Opeth – Blackwater Park: The finest metal/hard rock release for the year. From a time of truly awful nu-metal, this fantastic album is a breath of fresh air.

Meg.

5. Tool – Lateralus: Typically loyal Tool fans

(This opinion poll is part of a 10 year review of the best albums released between 2000-2009)

Album Name: Wilco {the album} I was very excited earlier in the year to find out Wilco had a new album on the horizon, recorded right here in New Zealand. Wilco (The Album) was recorded at Neil Finn’s Roundhead Studios in Auckland, while they were in town for Neil’s 7 World’s Collide project.

It probably didn’t help that I had been thrashing earlier albums such as Summerteeth and Yankee Hotel Foxtrot before putting this album in the player. It became quickly apparent that Wilco (The Album) suffers from a serious case of boring songwriting. The album features the same slow pace of its predecessor Sky Blue Sky, but the songs are nowhere near as memorable. There are definitely some exceptions, such as the beautiful duet You and I with Canadian singer-songwriter Feist. After the rather bland first few tracks, this track is a real stand out … although that isn’t saying very much.

The structure of the album seems a bit odd, diving right in to some incredibly sleepy songs early on, such as Deeper Down and One Wing.

By the time you get to something really interesting, you’re already too sleepy to really care that much. After a few good enjoyable tracks in

the middle, it’s back into sleepy mode with more slow country tracks. Strangely, the album seems to gain a little bit of momentum right near the end, but it’s a little late to really reengage.

Despite my bitching here, it is not a terrible album, but it certainly lacks the spark of some of their fantastic earlier releases. Critics of Sky Blue Sky will certainly not be converted back with this release, leaving this as an album exclusively for the die-hard Wilco fans. If you use iTunes, I would recommend checking out the songs You & I as well as I Fight and You Never Know. Personally I wouldn’t bother with the rest unless you want a cure for your insomnia.

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GIG GUIDE

To have your own gig showcased in Nexus, simply email gigs@nexusmag.co.nz. Churr.

Free Classy Fun @ Adult Specialties Strayhound with The Dusk and Some Other Band at the old empty Adult Specialties store. myspace.com/strayhoundmusic myspace.com/yeahthedusk Saturday 22nd August cost: FREE time: 9pm where: Old Adult Specialties shop, between Flow and Madam Muck Neighbourhood 3: Requisition of Doom by Jennifer Haley (a Carving in Ice production) In Neighbourhood 3 there’s a sinister sense of humour, mystery, impending doom and a cunning self-awareness of horror conventions.

A suburban nightmare about the carefully constructed realities of both suburbia and online gaming...... the boundaries between the suburban world and its virtual mirror may be breaking down. Directed by Gaye Poole.

Wed 19 Aug 2009 - Sat 22 Aug 2009 Cost: $22/$18/$12 Time: 8pm 19 20 21 August; 3pm & 8pm 22 August Where: Telecom Playhouse, WEL Academy of Performing Arts, Knighton Rd, Hamilton (enter Gate 2B) Further details: Gaye Poole 02102397696; 07 8384466 ext 8273 gpoole@waikato.a.c.nz

Mary Muller - The Secret Suffragette A new opera from composer David Griffiths and librettist Lynn John. If you saw Three Franks and The White Lady you won’t want to miss this heart-warming story of love, political intrigue, courage and determination. Based on the story of Mary Muller, the great New Zealand advocate for women’s rights in the late 19th century; a simple life Thu 20 Aug 2009 - Sat 22 Aug 2009 Cost: $30 adults, $20 seniors, $10 students Time: 8pm Where: Gallagher Concert Chamber, WEL Academy of Performing Arts, University of Waikato Further details: University of Waikato Music Department (07) 838 4380 music@waikato. ac.nz www.waikato.ac.nz/music The Shrugs, The Hollow Grinders, The Garden Support local music and catch Hamilton country/punk/indie band The Shrugs, surf rockers The Hollow Grinders and local up-andcomers The Garden at the legendary live music venue Ward Lane.

Sat 22 Aug 2009 Cost: $5.00 Time: 9.00pm Where: Ward Lane, Ward Lane, Hamilton

Momento Lakes:

Blues Nite Chris Thompson, performing a selection of classic and contemporary Folk, Blues and Country music.Open Mic for others wishing to sing later in the evening.

Monthly | Fri 28 Aug 2009 Cost: gold coin Time: 9p.m.

Where: The Palladium Bar, 287 Victoria St. Further details: Matt Hewlett 8553956 www.myspace.com/palladium rock bar Shakespeare As You Like It!!

Hamilton Civic Choir presents a celebration of the 400th anniversary of the publication of Shakespeare’s sonnets. Local actors Alec Forbes and Liz Buick will set the scene with extracts from favourite plays and sonnets, and the choir will be joined by premiere jazz vocalist Malcolm McNeill, pianist Barry Brinson, and others Sat 05 Sep 2009 - Sun 06 Sep 2009 Cost: $31-36 Time: 8 pm Sat 5 Sept & 2.30 pm Sun 6 Sept Where: WEL Trust Academy of Performing Arts, University of Waikato, Knighton Road Hamilton Further details: Raewyn Towers 07 856 4701 hamilton.choir@ihug.co.nz www. hamiltoncivicchoir.org.nz

Open late wed, thurs, fri for Dinner and Drinks Present this ad to get a free beer with any meal purchased* *Corona beer and meal to be purchased after 4pm. Valid till 24th August

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free beer

Gentlefolk of the wide Waikato!

We desire your BUSTED pictures! It is rather easy! Simply email your pictures to busted@ nexusmag.co.nz , or PXT to 021 235 8436. Show us your face! Shame your friends! Or you can (perhaps) take some Busted pictures for us! Email editor@nexusmag.co.nz for details!