issue 14 by Nexus Magazine

28 July 2008

Partijen, poetsen en het bruine material. Parties, pranks, and the brown stuff. Moving along from yester-week’s kolumn and further dissecting the true meaning of karnage, the topic in today’s article is PRANKS. We all love achieving a cheeky prank on fellow siblings or pulling the practical joke on a schoolmate, however it seems that flat pranks, both in-flat and inter-flat take tricks and tomfoolery to extreme and sometimes excessive levels. Flat pranks, like cases of Chlamydia, are rife in the student-vile area immediately surrounding

is the cake on effect which, although it can provide a breakfast option, is incredibly hard to clean off a surface. Staying with vehicles, letting down the tyres of the flatmates’ personal transportation is a killer (especially right down to the rims), don’t stop at 1 or 2 tyres, do the whole shebang. Trust me; it is a massive down buzz and takes an age to go to and from the service station pumping them up individually. Inside the flat, there are a few common pranks that you can execute. It starts with the fridge…put all the contents of the fridge into

items along with eggs that is involved in the carrying out of a flat prank. Laying a cable on the deck, porch or simply on the lawn is one thing but dispense a dump inside a flat in an unknown place is complete terror. The phantom poo prank is deadly on the nostrils and drives the flatmates insane when they cannot locate the log. Flat pranks can often evolve into flat wars and there will always be that one guy, Timmy-toofar, who just doesn’t know when to stop and will take it past prank status. So be aware, there are some pearlers of prank ideas out

the grounds of the Wakatoomba University. Though I have noticed that over recent winter weeks that the population of pranks has soared to a concerning (or stimulating depending on how you look at it) height. Some of the comedy classics involve eggs, flour, toilet paper and fish oil and distributing these ingredients at a flat, car or its occupants. The aftermath of this prank can be chronic depending on the season, in summer there

the freezer, its really quite simple. Peel off all the labels to the cans inside the pantry so they have no idea whatsoever to what is inside the can, this way you get them putting baked beans on their Skippy’s. Rearrange the entire lounge or bedroom so all the furniture and appliances are upside down, back to front or simply outside on the road. Faecal matter. It’s a touchy subject and it spells disaster but it is one of the most common

there, but be wary of the step too far and keep it in the family aye guys, there’s nothing like a court hearing for pulling a student prank. Next week, I’ll float back to a party review or two, but also touch on some par-tay themes and dress-up suggestions that will relieve you of your same ol’ gathering with the only excitement being a lonely funnel and the token drunk guy who can’t handle his 4-pack of smirnoffs. Adios amigos!

Send questions for Magic 8 Ball to nexus@ waikato.ac.nz Will the (de)construction of the new Student shop-things uncover an ancient Indian burial ground? – From Art Signs point to yes – and the (de)construction machines will become possessed and go on a rampage. Nexus will take photos of the bulldozers eating people from the safety of our office.

yes. You can fly at up to 250 kilometres an hour in a vertical fashion, and your joy will only be truncated by the ground. Stop thinking and start doing – pick a high point to leap from for maximum enjoyment. To touch the sky, simply walk outside during a fog. Since this is Hamilton, you should be able to achieve this pretty much any time of day or night.

Will the first-years in my English class ever stop talking? – From Chris H You may rely on it – bringing several automatic

Is the fluro fad finally dying? – from FIGHTMAN X You may rely on it – and, much like anything

weapons to class is a great way silence noisy students. It works in the USA, so why not here? Wear black for extra points.

else that dies, you may expect the bright colours of life to be replaced by somber greens, browns and reds. Grunge will return, only it’ll be nu-grunge and Nickelback will lead the revolution. Which might be a good time for that shooting spree we mentioned.

PC femme-nazi world we live in. When you hear a small child swear, simply administer a sound smack to their bottom. Repeat as often as necessary. We recommend use on children who swear in the presence of their parents, in public places like supermarkets. Should the parents present a problem, simply remind them that their child is breaking obscenity laws. Then perform a citizen’s arrest on them. Parades will be held in your honour. Just like in the old days, before smacking was illegal.

Do you believe I can fly? Do you believe I can touch the sky? I think about it every night and day. – from Kirsty L Outlook not so good – it’s a terrible email programme that I am forced to use every bloody day. With regard to the flying thing,

Presented by the feline caption kings, LOLcats!

Do small children know too many swearwords? – from Andrew J Reply hazy, try again – but what isn’t hazy is that this is becoming far too common in this

Would it not be better to fashion yourself a body in the shape of a lion to better terrify the new entrants this semesta? – From Glen McG As I see it yes – it would be better to have the body of a lion – wait, what? What the hell are you talking about? You were stoned when you wrote this, weren’t you? Don’t try to hide it. Magic 8 Ball Knows All. Yeah, that’s right, be paranoid, you weed-eating lowlife. Terrify the new entrants? Try being terrified yourself. They. Are. Coming.

Invisible bike! heer r onerabl menshuns

o hai!

Myles Brown-Cole winner is you!

“Hey babe, u look so good im going to call u now instead of next week.” -Matty

Ceiling Cat congratulates you! Cme get Burger Fuul vow cha frm Nexus! (or wsu recepshun if Nexus is owt.)

“The MDRI Christmas party is always a real hit with members” -0211816612 (i guess is ur name)

i can has last weeks caption winn

Heer is dis weeks pic cha Here’s this week’s picture. Send entries to nexus@waikato. ac.nz or txt to 021 235 8436! Include the word “caption” in the subject line. Keep entering, keep Ceiling Cat happy. Winners receive a Burger Fuel voucher good for any burger, fries and a drink.

What do you get when you put students and property together? The Halls of Residence and the world capital of Chlamydia – I was wasted when I made that up, don’t hate me, please. Over the last couple weeks, the halls experienced their own break. (It’s funny because Studville got raped by robbers) Oh, what a pun - I should be a stripper. Speaking of break, next time you have to break the news to mum and dad that you failed your finals, tell them you’re pregnant (regardless of whether you’re male or female) then tell them. It’s kind of like cutting your finger off before you saw through your leg.

The Resident Assistants had their midsemester trip & training, internationals had their orientation and we Kiwis just sat around being tough, and cool. And awesome. One Kid, who yesterday attended the International student’s orientation, commented on its humoristic approach to welcoming students into the environment. He informed me that the orientation involved eating contests and a policeman- Sounds like my kind of party.

The Halls of Residencia are lovely places to squat while you’re waiting to be able to afford a flat. I live at one, it’s nice. We get fed, are provided with heaters and even have lovely ladies that vacuum our floors for us –providing they can see the floor and you’re not lying in bed with a stag (personal experience). Anyway, most of ‘them with cars’ returned to their respective lands while a loyal few ‘of us with hearts’ roughed it out here, as well as the new batch of internationals arriving.

The International students sampled the Hamiltonian bars on Thursday. I can’t remember where I was, but somebody told me, that I told them, that I was writing a column for Nexus, and that I was in town with the Americans, to write about them or something, you know? So, basically I have nothing to report because I left all of my memory in the toilet at Bar101. The international students have been enjoying the halls thus far though; one commented to me today that they’d actually consider living here, no shit!

Over in Bryant, I don’t have many friends. Coincidentally, I also don’t have anything to write for you lot. See how that works. So, just come into the Nexus office if you’re keen to let everybody know what’s going on over in Bryant. That goes for Orchard Park too. Studville, I got you covered like a blanket! Real places don’t count as halls anyway… c’mon guys; you’re a village and a park. New residents are healthy for the halls. Sometime’s you just need a new coat of paint. The new ‘rezies’ have been settling in well, with the majority being excited foreigners, we’re sure to see some interracial families in 9 months. Before I make one too many jokes and hurt myself, I’m going to leave you to ponder my slur of syllables. Next on Sociology in Practice: Reorientation week- the week that wasn’t.

Love Booze? Interested in selling it? Rock down to Liquor King Hillcrest with ya CV and let’s have a chat.

The doorway to Lion Nathan & a massive career in Sales & Marketing We’re looking for a “keen as beans” chick to join our friendly crew in a part time customer service role roughly 20 hours a week. If you’re interested, give me a call or drop in and let’s have a chat Josh Kirby, Manager Liquor King Hillcrest

1.What bar do you go to the most? 2.Who would win in a fight John Key, Helen Clarke, Winston Peters or Rodney Hide 3.What’s your ride? 4.Will you be seeing the Dark Knight? 5.What is your fave Big Word?

1.Im 17 2.Helen Clarke, she has more balls 3.Bus 4.Tomorrow 5.Philanthropist

1.I don’t really go… The Boston 2.I don’t know who they are 3.Mitsubishi Proton (Peggy the Proton) 4.Maybe… Probably… 5.Metamorphosis

1.The Boston 2.John Key 3.Hyundai 4.No… No way 5.Uhhhhhhhhh…..(for about ten minutes)

1.101 or Coyote 2.Winston! 3.Fiat Uno 4.Faux Show 5.Boss-Playa

1.The Outback Inn 2.Helen Clarke 3.Mazda Familia with foldable wing mirrors 4.Yup definitely 5.Discustipated

FEATURES 19 Walkthrough: The Political game waiKato maestro Vitamin C walks you through the clans questing for Parliament in this year’s elections Editor: Joshua Drummond (nexus@waikato.ac.nz) Design: Talia Kingi (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz) Advertising: Tony Arkell (admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz/021 176 6180)

NEWS

Books Ed: Kelly Badman

8 – 13 Wilson to Speak at Waikato, Te Reo, LLAS, No One Reads The Contents, If you see this come get your prize, No, Really, SPARK week, Apocalypse Now, Freedom Week, iTunes U, Vault, the Police Report, and

Film Ed: Art Focker

teh Nexus Haiku Newz0r

Contributors

REGULARS AND RANDOMS

Assistant to the Editor: Andrew Neal (news@nexus-npl.co.nz) Music Ed: Carl Watkins (toezee@gmail.com)

8 Ball, AJ, Annabel, Emma, Vitamin C, WSU, Kirril, Carl Watkins, Chris Parnell, Burton C. Bogan, Nick Sicklemore, Olivia Miles Louise Blackstock, Kelly Badman, Jed Laundry, Dr Richard Swainson, Josh, Andrew, Talia, Matt, Grant Burns, Mammoth, HCAC, Flash Medallion, Cyro, Art Focker, Andy Fyers, vitaminC, a bunch of other people also.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Because it’s just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, OR ANYONE. IF YOU READ THIS YOU WILL BE EATEN BY A GRUE

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS? EMAIL nexus@waikato.ac.nz OR admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz OR call 07 838 4653 OR 021 176 6180

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton

PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: nexus@waikato.ac.nz POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

Nexus: Because politics makes so much more sense as a videogame

02 Caption Competition 03 Magic 8 Ball 03 Karn 04 Hall Ways 05 Low Five 06 < 07 Editorial 15-17 Lettuce 18 Mrs Robinson’s Guide to Love 24-27 WSU 26 Sports Results with AJ 28 Not Flash Medallion’s Puzzle Page Boredom 29 Notices 30 Agony Art 30 Sarcophagus Rex 31 Procrastinatio di Procrastination 31 Sports Thoughts 32 Boganology 101 32 The Nerdary 33 The Phat Controller 33 A River Runs Through It 34 Book Review 34 Moving Pictures 35 Movie Review 36 Citric 37 DVDs 38 Gigs 39 BUSTED

You are the Nexus Editor. You sit in a small office. Old Nexus covers line the walls. Junk clutters the desk. Music plays from the computer. A high window looks over the Fortress of Knowledge. You must write the EDITORIAL within the next hour. What will you do now?

One is much like an eel after it has been knocked on the head by a fisherman; vague but still very slippery. John Key is even more so.

New Zealand gun licensing laws prevent you from getting this. >EDITOR SMASH

>INTERVIEW HELEN CLARK

You lay about you, breaking things. You cut your hand on a sharp piece of paper, and faint from the pain. You wake up several minutes later, and you still need to write the EDITORIAL

You begin typing, only to realise you have not come up with a topic.

You interview Helen Clark. When you ask a question she was not expecting, she lunges forward and eats you. You die a forlorn little creep, torn apart by mighty molars and rhetoric. Game Over.

>COME UP WITH TOPIC

You are the Nexus Editor…

You can’t use this. You smashed it.

You search “topic” in Google and hit “I’m

>READ PRESS RELEASES

>I’LL SMASH YOU GOOD

You read press releases sent by various political parties and interests. The inanity begins to drive you mad. You see a Magic 8 Ball on your desk.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand

> WRITE EDITORIAL

feeling lucky.” The result takes you to “Topic Magazine’s” website. You bang your head against the desk, and try again. > WATCH YOUTUBE

>USE COMPUTER

>YOU WILL

I will what? You watch hilarious videos for far too long. Panic sets in.

>USE MAGIC 8 BALL >RESTART

>TAKE BREAK

You shake the Magic 8 Ball while asking the question:

You are the Nexus Editor…

You can’t take this

>WHAT SHOULD I DO FOR THE

>WRITE EDITORIAL ON

EDITORIAL

STUDENT POLITICS

That’s not a yes/no question.

You can’t write on this; it’s not a stable surface

>SCREW YOU STUPID GAME

>WRITE EDITORIAL ABOUT

>GET FOOD

($0 available) You can’t get this RESTART

STUDENT POLITICS

That’s not a yes/no question You are the Nexus Editor. You sit in a small office…

You’ve already done this >LEAVE OFFICE >WRITE EDITORIAL ABOUT

>INTERVIEW POLITICIANS

You leave the Nexus office. It is dark outside. You have been working too late.

You call John Key’s office in Wellington.

WRITING EDITORIAL

You’ve already done this >EXPLORE

>INTERVIEW JOHN KEY

You can’t interview this

>DO IT AGAIN. I’M NOT SURE

You take a few steps, but hear a noise in the bushes. You try to run, but you are eaten by a

ANYONE READS THIS BIT ANYWAY

grue. Game Over. >WHY NOT?

You are the Nexus Editor… John Key’s Press Secretary wishes you to conduct an email interview, which will actually be written by John Key’s Press Secretary

>QUIT

You don’t have a gun. >WHAT�S THE DIFFERENCE? >GET GUN

You write your editorial, confident in the knowledge it doesn’t matter what you say, and can thus say anything at all. Time passes quickly, and before you know it, you find yourself sitting in a small office. Old Nexus covers line the walls. Junk clutters the desk. Music plays from the computer. A high window looks over the Fortress of Knowledge. You must write the EDITORIAL within the next hour. What will you do now? 7

NEWS ISSUE 12

May 19 2008

news@nexus-npl.co.nz

Wilson Weturns? Dat wascally wabbit! By Andrew Neal

Parliamentary Speaker Margaret Wilson may be returning to lecture at Waikato University – and rumour has it she will apply for the position of Dean of Law. Nexus has learned that Wilson admitted she was planning on returning to Waikato after her term was up in Parliament, fuelling rumours she may be applying for the Dean’s position, which she held in the past, between 1990 and 1999. When Nexus contacted Wilson, she said she had “no comment,” on her return to teaching. She advised speaking to the University’s communications department. Accordingly, Nexus spoke to University Media Manager Peta Goldworthy;

“I have heard a rumour, and it’s a fairly good one, [but] nothing has been announced so far,” she said. A hiring committee, involving top academic staff, and a ‘Search’ firm named Sheffield Limited is currently taking applications for the Dean of Law position and has reportedly been looking overseas, as well as in New Zealand, for applicants. “[Sheffield Ltd.] handle advertising on a world-wide basis, which gives us access to a wide pool of applicants,” says Vice Chancellor Roy Crawford. Crawford said he could not comment on whether Wilson would be returning to Waikato University or was being considered for the dean’s position. “They’re talking about an acting dean,” said Goldsworthy. This would allow the position to stay open until Wilson leaves Parliament after this year’s general election. Current Dean of Law John Farrar will be stepping down on August 1st this year and said that he had not heard if Wilson is applying for the Dean’s position. “She may be coming back to the University, though,” he said. The hiring committee is “at the short listing stage, we’ve had the first meeting [in the Dean selection process,] according to Professor Crawford. Nexus was told that Wilson had stated at a social event “I only plan to teach, [at the University].” Sheffield Limited was not able to give comment due to “issues of confidentiality.” Farrar is stepping down as Dean to follow further commitments in Australia and Auckland.

Kia Ora! Maori Language Week! That’s a Maori greeting By Andrew Neal

Festivities organised by the University and the Waikato Student’s Union celebrated Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori in style, despite weather worries.

The week also coincides with the launch of a new Maori page on the Waikato website and weekly newsletter from the PVC Maori’s office.

The theme of this year’s events around the country was keeping Maori language alive in the home. The WSU encouraged this by giving out booklets full of easy Te Reo phrases and a lecture on the subject organised by the Pro Vice Chancellor (PVC) Maori’s office.

“The website is a one stop shop for anything Maori and the newsletter mirrors the website,” says Maria Huata Project coordinator for the PVC Maori office.

There were plenty of fun activities to get all students involved during the week including the WSU’s ping pong ball drop, a free hangi, organised by the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (FASS) and a concert on Friday night.

The Ping Pong drop or “Taka Paoro,” saw over 200 balls dropped from a cherry picker with each ball being numbered. The number on the ball corresponded to a specific Te Reo word and each word responded to a prize. Each prize could not be claimed until the Te Reo word was pronounced properly.

Live Like Student Challenge finishes up Now they can live like politicians again! By Andrew Neal

The “Live Like a Student” challenge rounded up on Wednesday last week and saw entrants move in with their children, riding scooters, getting burgled and hopefully gaining a greater understanding of student issues.

The challenge was taken up by Labour’s Sue Moroney and Nanaia Mahuta, National’s David Bennett and the Maori Party’s Angeline Greensill which all had to live off a student budget for a week.

“I really hope that our challengers have enjoyed their experience and are now able to draw on a more personal experience when the discussions of a Universal Allowance is raised in their caucuses,” said WSU President Moira Neho.

“Speed bumps” were given to the challengers, which were additional expenses to be taken out of each of their budgets. Bennett had dental issues, Greensill had to purchase a text book in a hurry, Mahuta was robbed of a laptop with a current assignment

still on it and Moroney missed a Studylink payment. All challengers came up with different ways of coping with these unexpected costs including Studylink and WSU assistance. All speed bump ideas were submitted by students at the University. Each contestant kept a blog on the WSU website documenting their progress although certain politicians did not let the opportunity to give their party a plug go by them. 9

One of the presenters at Wintec’s upcoming Spark festival is currently at the centre of media controversy in Australia. Photographer Polixeni Papapetrou is one of several international speakers at Wintec’s annual Spark arts festival next month, and has been the subject of debate after a photograph featuring her six year old daughter naked appeared on the cover of an Australian arts magazine. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd criticized the cover image strongly, saying “Frankly, I can’t stand this stuff”, and reigniting a row over the potentially exploitative use of children in art. He was supported by opposition Liberal Party leader Brendan Nelson, who described the

Rudd’s comments, saying she is proud of the image taken by her mother and considers it one of her favourite photographs. The editor of the Art Monthly magazine said he knew the photograph would be controversial, but that he hoped to “restore some dignity to the debate, and validate nudity and childhood as subjects for art”. In May, an exhibition of pictures of naked children by photographer Bill Henson was closed before it opened, in a case that provoked a nationwide debate over censorship. Papapetrou told the Australian News that Rudd’s remarks, and comments by child protection groups, inflame rather than deepen

and fantasy appear frequently within Papapetrou’s work, in photo essays such as ‘Wonderland’ (2004), which features Olympia as Lewis Carroll’s Alice, posed in front of painted backdrops. Wintec School of Media Arts head of school, Margi Moore, said one of the functions of Spark was to provide a forum for exactly this type of debate. “We are delighted to have Papapetrou present at Spark and we anticipate some informed and intelligent debate about numerous issues and trends in the creative industries.”

image as a “two-fingered salute to the rest of society”. However, Papapetrou’s daughter Olympia, now 11, has expressed her personal offence over

the debate. She said that her children had been the main focus of her practice since she became a mother and she did not find that unusual. Explorations of childhood innocence

design festival in Hamilton from August 4-8 2008. See website at www.spark.net.nz Contact Susanna Wilford, ph. 07 858 7058, spark@wintec.ac.nz

Spark 08 is the 10th Birthday of the arts/media/

Black is Back: Renowned Kiwi musician to perform at Spark 08. Spark 08 is pleased to announce that much-loved New Zealand musician Whirimako Black will perform as part of the international arts festival’s closing event in Hamilton on Friday 8th of August, at the Waikato Museum. Black’s distinctive sound, her lyrics in te reo m ori, her use of traditional m ori musical forms and collaboration with traditional taonga puoro instruments make her a unique and powerful voice for m ori music and culture. Whirimako, who is of Ngati Tuhoe, Ngati Tuwharetoa, Ngati Ranginui, Te Whakatohea, Te Whanau-a-Apanui, Te Arawa and Ngati Awa descent, is an accomplished composer and singer, who enjoys reviving and modernising traditional waiata. “I aspire to see the fruition of my waiata being accessed on the international market, bringing a heightened awareness to the status of m ori and the m ori language worldwide, to fulfil the dreams of my ancestors” says Ms Black. Whirimako Black has toured throughout Aotearoa, Australia and Europe and released 6 solo albums. These include ‘Hinepukohurangi: Shrouded in the Mist’ (2001), her debut album which won Best M ori Language Album at the 2001 NZ Music Awards and is now approaching gold sales status, ‘Hohou Te Rongo: Cultivate Peace’ (2003), ‘Tangihaku’ (2004),

‘Kura Huna’ (2006), ‘Soul Sessions’ (2006) and ‘Whirimako Black Sings’ (2007). In June, Black appeared at the biggest indigenous festival in the Southern Hemisphere, ‘The Dreaming Festival’ in June 2008. She has also toured with Salmonella Dub and the NZ Symphony Orchestra as the featured vocalist. Spark 08 is the 10th Birthday of the international arts/media/design festival in Hamilton from August 4-8. For up to date info, see www. spark.net.nz

Conflict arising from environmental degradation – as a result of global overpopulation – will be the most likely cause of the apocalypse, says law lecturer Alexander Gillespie.

Despite this, Gillespie did offer some hope saying that this can be changed through education and protection of the world’s resources; “We’ve got a lot of work to do, but I think we can do it,” he explained.

The findings were presented at the first of a five part lecture series on sustainability, held at the WEL Academy of Performing Arts last Tuesday.

The stripping of the ocean’s fish stocks and deforestation to compensate for increased agriculture causes a worsening of environmental problems, Gillespie said.

Gillespie spoke for just under an hour and presented a slide show to emphasise his points to a 200 strong crowd made up of academics, students and concerned members of the public including notables Nandor Tancozs and University Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford. Gillespie claimed that the world’s population will out-strip food supply in the next forty years, as it will increase one third in size, over this time. This will result in armed conflict and a possible collapse in civilisation.

“If you want to stop climate change, stop deforestation,” Gillespie goaded. “It was an excellent lecture, I enjoyed it very much. Al Gillespie’s opinion is to be respected,” said Vice-Chancellor Crawford. The next lecture will take place at the WEL Academy of Performing Arts on Tuesday July 29. It is free entry.

“We are moving towards something dire,” he explained.

And Freedom for All By Andrew Neal, reporting by Bruce Clark Amnesty International Hamilton group kicked off Freedom Week, the movement’s National Annual Fundraising appeal, with a “Toast to Freedom” last Monday. During Freedom Week most of New Zealand’s 6000 members will be out on the street with leaflets and collection buckets. Hamilton members will be outside Hillcrest New World Supermarket on Saturday and Sunday 26 and 27 July, in the central business district during the following week and at Rototuna New World Supermarket during the weekend of 2nd and 3rd August.

To remain autonomous and unbiased in their work, Amnesty International relies on public donations. In 1961 raising a toast to freedom in a bar landed two Portuguese students in jail. A public call for the release of these political prisoners sparked the formation of Amnesty International. Today over 2.2 million volunteers in more than 150 countries contribute their time, money and expertise to the promotion of human rights and international campaigning against some of the most serious violations, including

imprisonment for beliefs or identity, torture and extra-judicial killings. The public can support Amnesty International with a donation or make instant donations of $20 by phoning 0900 AMNESTY

ITS Information Technology Services is making movements to turn University of Waikato lectures into podcasts, making them available for download from the iTunes store.

There is a particular resources base that must be achieved to move forward in the acceptance process including a minimum of 1000 podcast lectures ready to be posted online.

Waikato will join Otago University and a number of American Colleges in the iTunesU initiative that allows access to lectures in a digital format.

“We need to establish a good site, we want to differentiate the University from others [on the site] by the quality of its content,” says Kevin Adamson president of ITS Information Technology Services.

“So many young people use the iPod so much, we must be part of that technology and convenience for students,” says Vice Chancellor Roy Crawford.

It is unknown when the website and podcasts will be available due to the length of the acceptance process.

The University has applied to Apple to be a part of the iTunesU community and are working to meet the criteria required that is required for this.

Protestors held up signs saying: “Freedom of religion on campus”, “No comprise on campus”, and “Christianity isn’t the only religion!” The reason of the protest was because students felt they had their own right to choose a religion that best suits them. Students believed having a Chapel on campus infers that the majority of students are Christians and gives off the wrong image.

‘Students protest against newly opened Chapel’

A student attending the protest gave his comment on the new Chapel, “If they’re going to open a Chapel, then why don’t they open a Mosque or Buddhist temple at the same time”.

Nexus N.o.7 Wednesday 6th July, 1977

Many demonstrators argued that university should be a religion-free place if they cannot cater for all religions.

At 4pm on June 11th, over 100 protestors demonstrated from the Cowshed down to the newly opened campus Chapel. Students surrounded the Chapel as it was being opened by ‘leading Hamiltonians’ including the Mayor, councillors, and Archbishops.

This protest was the first on campus since the beginning of the academic year and organisers were extremely happy with the turnout.

Student demonstrators gave out leaflets and chanted as loud as possible to disrupt the opening ceremony. Some students knocked on windows while others used megaphones to get their opinions heard.

Archbishop Johnson, the head of the campus Chapel, refused to comment on the protest, but “showed disgust” towards demonstrators, according to witnesses.

work in the usa from 3 - 12 months

Work Adventures USA

Do you fancy working somewhere new this year? CCUSA have 2 great programs to choose from. If you are a full-time student, graduating (or graduated in last 12 mths) or deferring then why not work in the USA. CCUSA’s Working Holiday USA and Work Experience USA programs offer visa, job placement (if required), insurance, discounted flights, support, 24 hr emergency assistance & much more.

Information Meetings

Come along to our free information session to find out more. Wednesday 30th July, S.G.03 from 1 - 2pm

To find out more visit www.ccusa.com or call 0800 872 9675.

East Hamilton Police Burglary Report 14th - 21st July 2008 There were 12 burglaries that occurred in the Hamilton East, their locations are shown on the map. It’s great news that burglaries are down once again in our area. On the map it clearly shows that offenders are now breaking into houses that aren’t located so close to the University. Unfortunately several student flats have been targeted last week. Offenders are resorting into breaking glass windows or jemmying them open, using screws drivers or other such tools. The owner of one house told me, that even though he had a house alarm, the offenders broke in and stole his Laptop that was left on his dining table. I explained to him that he shouldn’t leave such items in full view from the outside of his house. This only encourages the offenders to break-in, it’s like having lollies in the front window of a Candy Shop. Another burglary occurred when all 7 occupants were watching a DVD together in their student flat. A short time after the DVD had finished

‘Forbes’ magazine releases list of best-paid Hollywood actors Of course the most rich Is none other than the one, And only: Fresh Prince. ‘Number 16 Bus Shelter’, ‘Violence’ among kids registered names Here’s an idea, here’s What you should do: Name your child Nexus Haiku News Author Alan Duff faces bankruptcy Poor Alan Duff got It tough – how did they bankrupt Jake Heke the Muss? ASB follows Bollard’s lead, cuts fixed rate - Cullen approves Fixed rate interest dives Now we won’t be seeing Any financiers thrive

they discovered that someone had opened their back door and walked in, taking a digital camera from one of the bedrooms. This is happening on a weekly basis, so please be mindful that it could happen to you at anytime during the day or night. Security Advice: If you’re at home, remember not to leave anything of value just lying around. Offenders will walk pass or even enter your flat, to take these items. Information on how to protect your home is available from the East Hamilton Community Policing Centre on Clyde St. If you have any information that might help Police with these burglaries please call the University Constable, Nick Sickelmore Nicholas. Sickelmore@police.govt.nz

Cellphones do fry your brain, warns cancer specialist Yes, he says, it’s true Your cellphone your brain does fry This will make you die Piracy-fearing music industry to tax downloaders Pirates to suffer Tax fate; Industry gets wise ‘Bout six years too late Reward offered for citizens arrest of Condoleeza Rice (This stupidity courtesy of David Do, President of the Auckland University Students Union) You’ll get five grand pay, And a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay

David Bennett MP M P f o r h aM i l t o n east

Phone: 07 834 3407 Email: davidbennett@xtra.co.nz www.davidbennett.co.nz

www.national.org.nz 13

Thinking about the end of the world as we know it; and what can be done.

It may never happen, and we surely hope that it does not! Yet for many of us, there is an unease that it is probably too late already to stop the impending collapse of human civilization as we know it. But if it is already too late, then there is little point worrying about it? Let us just enjoy and live for the ‘here and now’? For others, there is recourse to a kind of Darwinian argument about the inevitability of the rise and fall of species, and in the fall, the fittest will survive? Of course, the flipside is that most of us won’t. The free market philosophy has this kind of Darwinian logic too, in its naturalistic attachment to the winnerloser logic of competition, and the sense of inevitability that arises from its obsession with the invisible hand of flexible prices in the all-determining market. The above views tend towards fatalism as the future appears as a pre-given natural inevitability. But the future is still open, and the logic of history –past present and future- centrally involves interaction of the economic with the political. Politics is centrally focused on debate

IT ISN’T MY FAULT

Theresa has a difficult flatmate, Madge. The phone is in Theresa’s name and while Theresa was absent Madge took a call from a telephone company offering her a mobile package. Madge accepted

and struggle over ‘what is to be done’ and the outcomes of political struggles can alter the current direction. That is, in my opinion, while globally dominant market capitalism is surely pushing us towards the abyss of a deepening environmental crisis combined with a growing surplus population; it is not too late for political intervention to set us on a new course. Where there is a will, there might be a way! So even if unlikely, a political movement is our best shot, because giving up is just a self-fulfilling prophecy. Politics could make the difference! The first task is to convince people that the present direction of global market capitalism is leading to the abyss. The dynamic power of capitalism, rooted in its incessant drive to accumulate wealth, operates by reinvesting surplus labour, created by increasing productivity, into the development of new productive forces, and into new fields of production. But as production spreads, per capita consumption increases, to a point that eventually outstrips the capacity for environmental renewal. Many argue we have

in Theresa’s name and ran up huge bills which were charged to Theresa’s account. Despite numerous calls to the telephone company, it refused to recharge the bills to Madge. The University branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other hassles you might have. They have heaps of pamphlets and a huge database to help answer anyone’s questions.

By David Neilsen

already reached this point of un-sustainability. At the same time, labour made redundant by increasingly global capitalist standards of productivity and profitability does not necessarily get redeployed. In the present, there is about a one billion people who are surplus to requirements that are scratching a living in the growing city slums of the developing capitalist world, and another 2 billion or so hanging on in the countryside. The second task is to construct a viable alternative that can address the colliding forces of environmental crisis and the surplus humanity. Such a project needs as central elements: A cosmopolitan democratic polity that puts the market in its place; promotes a concerted global sharing of knowledge and its transfer to the developing world, and is combined with the re-localization of production.

Visit them at the Cowshed from 1pm – 3pm daily during semesters or phone 8384466 extn 6622 or 0800FORCAB. By the way, Theresa’s is a complex problem and needs legal help. The CAB offers a free legal service at the Uni on Fridays at 1pm and other days at the Victoria St Bureau, but clients need to book their appointments beforehand!

Txts to the Editor! Nexus now has an all-new TXT-in service! Send Letters to the Editor - via text - to 021 235 8436. They can be about anything – but if it’s something in the magazine, so much the better. We’ll print the best ones, so get texting! There’s a prize for text of the week as well. We don’t know what it is yet, but it will be awesome. Don’t forget: You can send Busted pictures in by pxt! Send us your best snaps of you or your mates in Busted-type situations to 021 235 8436. Do it.

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be kept under 250 words and be received by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be) but if it’s a serious letter we’d prefer you to use your real name. Send letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

Politicians don’t live like students Dear Nexus, I noticed in a news article from last week that some local politicians are participating in some live ‘Live Like a Student Challenge”. I also knew this because some politicians added me on Facebook, which made me feel important. While I can appreciate the sentiment, there is really no way to look at this except a kick in the balls to students who feel they have it tough. While I personally have no real problem with the current system, because I knew what I was

getting into from the start (and my loan was well over 60k last time I checked… last year), I know a lot of people who do, and announcing to the world that you are going to slum it for a week so that you know what its like to be a student doesn’t really cut it. Anyone can live on shit-all when they are well fed from the start. Good on Dave Bennett (Can I call you Dave? Thanks.) for working in Pak.n.Save, but anyone can do that when they know it’s going to be over in a week. Try doing some shithouse job every weekend for two years, alternately juggling food and warmth on a weekly basis, while trying to block out the

fact you’ve still got two more years of it. Then resign your greater public image to being a lowlife, a slacker, a boozer and a tax-thief every time you have to go hunting for the cheapest rice and those spirally light bulbs that make your lounge look like a boss level from Silent Hill. A lot of people can’t hack it and we all get to hear from them for a whole goddamn week every time student debt goes up by another million, but from the rest of us who are getting on with it in gleeful anticipation of a room with a view: You wanna live like common people? Chris Parnell (vitaminC)

Stoners: like free weed from old men

At least we didn’t draw a cartoon of it. Ooh, controversial!

To Young Man F:

Dear Editor

You go get fucked! I mean really, this nice old man wants to give poor students free weed, and you shoot him down? What the fuck!? And then you go on saying that getting baked with old people isn’t fun!? Obviously you are an idiot. As far as the appropriateness on campus is concerned, yes, yes it is appropriate. I mean shit, every time that I get blazed on campus, it is the most magical experience ever. So Old Man J, if I ever see you on campus, you will have at least one other face in the smoke ring.

Assalamu Aleykum [Peace be upon you] I’m wondering what thinking process urged you [or your contributors/ writers] to inadvertently offend Muslims, Christians, Buddhists and Jews alike with, what seemed a nonsense question on Pg.5 of the 14th July issue of Nexus. ‘Who would win in a fight: Jesus, Satan, Mohammed, Buddha, Goku or Moses?’. From an Islamic point of view, neither Moses[pbuh] nor Jesus[pbuh] or Muhammad[pbuh] would fight each other at all. I can’t give an answer for Goku [a fictional character] because he isn’t ‘real’. I am not a Buddhist, and out of respect will not talk about Buddha. In ...............

-Every stoner on campus

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $20 BOOK VOUCHER FROM BENNETTS WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP!

PH 07 856 6813

FAX 07 856 2255

ADDRESS Gate 5 Hillcrest Road

WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

EMAIL wku@bennetts.co.nz 15

regards to Satan [the cursed] he indeed is an â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;open enemy to mankindâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and is thus willing to fight anyone. That doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mean though that he would have any victory. There are names among those mentioned, who indeed would fight, but for just causes. I am not expressing anger, I simply seek clarification, for an action that does not seem to properly thought through. Just clarify if you can please Josh. Regards Taufiq Boldy President of Waikato Uni Muslim Club Clarification: It was a joke. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know how many people were actually offended, given you were the only one that wrote in. Whether you find this in questionable taste or offensive is up to you. I believe the only people who should really be offended by a joke of this kind are the gods/prophets/demonic entities/Goku in question, and if they have a problem with it, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m sure they can tell me without the aid of mere human vassals. Religion should be the butt of jokes as much as anything else is: simply declaring or believing something to be sacred doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make it so. On a random note: The character of Goku is based very loosely on the Chinese legend of the Monkey King, which (possibly) makes him as real for some as the other religious figures mentioned. If certain sections of the Internet are to be believed, this is definitely the case.

4/4!, 6)3)/. /04/-%42)343

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Herbal Viagra: kills penis, brain cells â&#x20AC;&#x153;Get a phatâ&#x20AC;? Last weekend when I was waiting for the forever long 15minutes to get your dominos pizza before you go to town on a Saturday night. My mate busted out acouple herbal sex pills titled â&#x20AC;&#x153;Get a phatâ&#x20AC;?. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Bro Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll give you five bucks if you take both of these before town tonightâ&#x20AC;Ś.â&#x20AC;? I thought about this long and hard before I came to the conclusion that five bucks is two double browns then a drink at bar 101. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Deal!â&#x20AC;? I took them at about 9.30 as the pack reckons you should have a rager in about an hour and your pork sword should be jam (cum) packed full of the stamina of multiple penii (the plural of penis; as in â&#x20AC;&#x153;man that girl sucks a lot of peniiâ&#x20AC;? [Uncyclopedia, 2008]). I was getting quite excited about going to town, however my penis was not. Even after tonsel rugby and an intense battle of the grinds, the soldier didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t stand at attention. Very disappointing! Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t believe the sneaky marketing, hoping that if you take them before engaging in the horizontal line dance, you might last more than two minutes and your wang will be harder than Inspector Gadgets as this will never happen! No dude piston is harder than the go-go-gadget-penis! Big softy

Fat people: Not jolly?

Jesus loves you. Maybe.

I hate all the pc whining by fat people who would rather that peple call them weight challenged or whatever. I have a thought for you, if you don’t like it, eat less, and exersice, and you will lose weight. And slim attractive women don’ t need t odefend themselves if they are really slim and attractive, they are clearly insecure.

First of all I would like to start off by saying, fuck Chemistry. It is retarded and I hate it. I got a 68 on my interem, and my parents freaked out. Calling me a failure, and saying I will never accomplish anything in my life. What the fuck? Just because I don’t give a fuck what the difference is between a diatomical molecule, and an ionic bond, doesn’t mean I am going to fail at life. Jesus. I have all A’s in my other courses, but according to my parents I am going to fail at life. Shit, I don’t even have any friends, all I do is come home, do homework, then play guitar and video games. I just cannot grasp why I ever need to learn chemistry if I am never going to fucking use it. Ever. I sit in class all the time, (when i’m not staring at the chics thongs hanging halway out of their pants), I listen to the teacher and ponder when I am EVER going to use this. And the answer is simple: NEVER. So please…I don’t know, this is my confession: I hate Chemistry, I don’t have a girlfriend, or any friends for that matter, my parents think I’m a failure, and I think I’m am a failure in

Sometimes your just fat: congrats to people who can see that. From Phatman Oh and PS to Jake, Africa does have the best aids.

Old people: Boring I hate smoking weed with old people. I don’t mind it on my own. But old people just use it to have a rant about the good old days. I say fuck that. The good old days only exist in your drug addled mind, old man J. You sound like you’d be as much fun to be around as the poo smell.

accordance. The world doesn’t need me. Nobody cares about me. I’m a failure. I am contemplating suicide, but since I am such a failure, I think that I will FAIL at that. Fuck, I need help. But since i’m such a failure, I cannot get any because I’m too shy. Please somebody help me

From Young Man Kristov From hugboy

You tell ‘em, Darko i hate people who walk into lectures late and expect others to move for them to sit down. fair enough if youre running late once off, but i guarantee most are repeat offenders. i LIKE sitting near the aisle. i arrive early so i should get to leave early. late people should have to sit in the aisle, or not bother coming at all – Johnny Darko

but to join the dark side and conspire against you with the likes of the recently self aware uni lake as warning by the time you see the ninjas its already too late

Did you leave your hat at Firth Street? We do not know to whom it may belong. Did u leave a hat at firth st? we dnt no whos it is

Ed: Muppet Hey ed u muppet you put the same volume # and date on two issues my nexus collection is now flawed and you have left me no choice

The Best Summer Holiday Job Around! Do you love a challenge, work hard and want to make the most of an amazing summer job opportunity? Then selling Christmas Cookies is for you! Learn about running your own business, have fantastic earning potential, and be well rewarded for your effort. Positions are available in towns and cities across New Zealand for the six weeks leading up to Christmas. For more info see Student Job Search, our website, or visit us at the Pedestrian Crossing on Wednesday 30 July, 10am - 3pm.

Mrs Robinson’s Guide To Love By Maria Revell

A guide for the guy who has met a girl he really likes and “Hey there, I have Chlamydia” just isn’t going to cut it- unlike at Bar X on a Friday night when the reply is “Wow, so have I!” Apparently guys like to follow instructions (keep this in mind girls, when faced with a guy who’s a little lacking in the sack!) so I have outlined a plan of attack that will benefit both the guy and the girl in question. The Pick-up Line: As already addressed, the extremely blunt approach is likely to leave you with a slap in the face. Don’t get me wrong- if you’re nice enough, a proposition of an all-nighter is probably very tempting to the object of your desire- but in general women like you to work a bit harder than that. Otherwise, how do they know you don’t proposition every woman you lay your eyes upon? The key is to make her feel special- if you really think she is, this will be easy. The best line EVER, and I stress EVER, is “Can I cook you dinner?” Nothing says wanton lust like a guy who is prepared to cook for you. Don’t, whatever you do, follow this up with a.)You could use some fattening up or b.) I’ll make sure it’s low fat. To fully reap the rewards of this line you need to actually follow through by cooking her dinner, and the degree of success may vary with your finesse at pulling off the rest of the plan! Checking out the Choices: Once she’s said yes don’t just blush and walk away- find out what she likes to eat, if she has any preferences (you don’t want to roast beef for a vegetarian) or allergies (anaphylaxis is a real romance killer) and keep them in mind when you decide what to cook. Practice makes you look Hotter: Before you even ask her out practice some real cooking; not just heating a can of baked beans or nuking some noodles. You may need to ask some more culinary minded people for help but make sure you actually learn how to do it yourself, because it is a huge sexiness factor if you cook in front of your date. “Now for a little something I prepared earlier” may fall flat if she asks you what’s in it or how to cook it.

Kick the flatmates out for the evening or lock them in their roomsthey’re chronically unable to stop themselves making embarrassing comments on how you never go to this much effort when it’s your turn to cook. Ask her over in time to watch you make dinner and actually set the table before she comes over. If she offers to help make sure it is not peeling or chopping vegetables- do this ahead of time. If she takes over or insults your technique, it’s a good chance for your control freak radar to go off and you can save yourself trouble later on down the line. Make sure you set the timer when cooking anything in the oven and maybe even when cooking something in a pot on the stove to avoid mass evacuation due to smoke inhalation. D time: Play some cool background music or even better let her choose what she wants to listen to and offer her a drink (N.B. Not a Waikato stubby whatever you do!!). Don’t try filling in space with pointless conversation and if she does it may be a sign of insecurity- another problem it can be hard to work with. Quality conversation is of course encouraged but this does not include “How about this weather” or “So wanna shag once you’ve finished your linguini?” Afterwards: If all is going well a trip down to the DVD store is a good follow up- and don’t argue if she chooses a chick flick- it’s actually a very good sign for you. Pay attention to her response to any of the romantic parts in the movie. You can improve your repertoire in only an hour and a half. The best piece of advice: Don’t expect anything more than what you’ve got so far, a fun date, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at what you end up with. Also if you don’t get as far as you’d like on the first date make sure to arrange another one on the spot, so the girl can be sure you’re interested. We’ve blinded ourselves into saying it’s not cool to be too keen but this is the way misunderstandings occur. Making it clear you had a good time and would like to see her again won’t be interpreted as “He wants to marry me and have babies!” and if it is- well restraining orders are easy to get these days!

Timing: Next week (maybe): Recipes! 18

For those who inhabit the mighty realm of waiKato, joining a clan is usually a low priority. There are, however, upcoming events that will shine a spotlight on clan behaviour so I have been asked to compile this very special Walkthrough edition to guide you through the process of participating in the upcoming serverwide event, known as New Zealand General Election 2008. The New Zealand General Election 2008, or NZGETtaE as most people know it, is a tri-annual institution that surveys the adventurer population to determine their preference in questing environment for the next three years. The way this occurs is by each Clan advertising its’ goals and suggested methods for organising the day to day activity of the server, and on New Zealand General Election 2008 Vote Allotment

Day (NZGETtaEVAD) the adventuring public head to the Official New Zealand General Election 2008 Vote Allotment Day Opinion Booth (ONZGETtaEVADOP as you may have heard the media calling it) in order to register with the clan whose proclaimed policies best match their individual values while standing up to rational scrutiny. Clans are then proportionately accorded numbers in the Omega Dungeon of PvP combat. The overall result is like some kind of Proportional Mix of Members from each clan, from which it derives its name; Beehive. Whichever clan is able to establish dominance in the bloody killzone of the Parliamentary Death Chambers - usually by allying with smaller clans to make a majority – will rule the Beehive with a light honeycoated fist (+15 to burn resistance).

So now that you have perfectly understood what I wrote on your very first read-through, let’s take a look at who the focus will be on for this battle royale. The NZGETtaE is contested this year by the Labour, National, New Zealand First, Green, Maori, United Future, Family, Kiwi, New World Order, and Pacific clans.

Labour Current overlords The Labour Clan, as their name suggests, prefer a world where everyone has to level-grind really hard with the only foreseeable outcome being critical damage, a few coins, and a knot of rust as the only item drop. Parties will be regulated, with level limits applying and experience being evenly spread amongst the adventurers regardless of their contribution: Thief, Bard and Dole-bludger classes, this is for you. Arts Majors usually get a kick out of this as well, although it 19

“The New Zealand General Election 2008, or NZGETtaE as most people know it, is a tri-annual institution that surveys the adventurer population to determine their preference in questing environment for the next three years. “

can make it harder for people to take their ‘Outrage at the Man’ stats seriously. The issues affecting us here in waiKato are of course Labour’s policies involving students and education (words from the Old Tongue which roughly translate to ‘socio-economic burden’ and ‘necessary evil’ respectively). Essentially, they promise to take care of us, but they have been promising this for a while and nothing much has happened. They have fiddled with a few regulations and relaxed a few restrictions here and there on who can get lower levelling fees, but by and large this hasn’t affected the majority of the waiKato population, namely those who have left the Highschool servers and come straight to waiKato suitably levelled, eager for Questing, but grossly under-prepared for the added challenge of factoring economy into their day to day lives. Still, the added system-wide support for all players could be a tempting proposition for those worried about the tough times approaching. The clan is headed by the Arch-Librarian Helen Clark, known worldwide for her refusal to remove the ancient and powerful +50 Medusa Mask she won during a Mt Eden dungeon raid.

National The National Clan are formally designated as the opposition to Labours’ Beehive dominance, and their defining organisational characteristic is their free-for-all mentality to partying and other operations. Do not mistake this to mean that anything could possibly be free for anybody. Far from it. Far, far, from it. Instead National represent the ‘All for One’ aspect of advancement as opposed to Labours ‘One for All’. How does this affect us in the world of waiKato? Basically you are on your own. It is up to each party member to take what he can get, to climb the ladder of item acquisition as fast as his tiring arms can take him, lest he fall into the great sea of the lesser-motivated. Nasty place that, full of very low level encounters like rats, all racing each other 20

around endlessly. Even murdering rats loses its charm after a while, I can tell you. This may not seem beneficial from first glance, but other effects begin to manifest in the servers eventually. Increased pressure to succeed usually results in efficient work from the guilds, making them more productive and creating a stronger market for the adventurer to operate in. Item drops become more abundant and of higher quality, with new and unexpected niches in the class system appearing as private enterprise fever begins to spread. This of course launches the more obscure and ill-thought out guilds and character classes that have formed into a bitter struggle for existence, because we can’t all sit comfortably at the high end of the bell-curve, right? The National Clan generally favours those looking to invest their levelling effort for greater rewards, at the expense of having much further to fall if you are fighting Marlboros and it all goes horribly wrong. Clan Battle Leader John Key has risen to public prominence with his expert use of forgotten tech skills, most noticeably passive abilities like “Seem like a nice enough guy’ and ‘Appear on Moon TV’. Recent developments in the Reptilian Shapeshifter sidequests have however hinted that there is more to Mr. Key than meets the mammalian eye.

New Zealand First Lead by the Mighty Hon. Winston Peters, Lord of the Wine-box, Grey Knight of the Retired, Wielder of the Baubles of Office. Known to dwell in the coastal fortress of Taur Anga, Peters emerged as a young warrior who was able to maintain his throne in the fortress even after being cast out from the National clan. Pure force of personality conjured up a clan around him, seemingly from thin air. This can make New Zealand First adventurers difficult to combat, as the slippery nature of these ethereal soldiers makes them notoriously difficult to pin down. Legend has it that should Peters be defeated, the entire clan will crumble to dust, but

“Labour’s policies involving students and education (words from the Old Tongue which roughly translate to ‘socio-economic burden’ and ‘necessary evil’ respectively).“

none so far have dared to try. His attack patterns are difficult to predict, any many inexperienced attackers have focused on what they perceived as weak spot in his famed Mithril Oratory Armour, only to discover that, for example, Mr. Peters in fact said no such thing. Impact on waiKato is difficult to predict, as per usual. The clan’s anti-immigration stance could mean less international students walking our fair dungeons, which could lead to less funding for the server. Of course, this might just mean that less things are arbitrarily built/demolished in a given year which can be a bonus. Or perhaps it will be as if an anti-immigration stance never existed, if people stop liking it. The party tends to be anti-corporate, but also quite conservative with social policy. In a general sense this means that business and enterprise would be more regulated and taxed, while the adventuring populous would find themselves with a little more freedom and a little less support than say, the Labour Clan would provide. Overall the clan markets itself as standing for ordinary New Zealanders, but whether you should believe this is mostly a personal thing, and probably comes down to your impression of the man known as the Kingmaker.

Green The Green clan, as evidenced by their name, wave the banner of the token hippies. The clan builds its numbers from Arts and Social Science majors, as well as other peripheral novelty classes like Marine Biologists and the allegedly greatest public menace of them all: The Green Mage. You know, status affects and all that kind of stuff. Currently they are helmed by Jeanette Fitzsimmons and Russell Norman, whose leadership roles are akin to the co-ordinators of an arts and crafts fair. The clan essentially crusade for a world where it’s always sunny and rainbows still exist somehow and everyone just goes around healing each other. Items and gold should just appear for everyone and certainly no pets or summons should be used in combat. They have rights and self awareness too, apparently. The clan itself has no practical policy as such, rather it hopes to influence the way other policies are implemented in order to keep Gaia happy. The Green Clan are therefore based in a 22

group of small tents around a giant crystal that hums sometimes. In a (non-genetically modified) nutshell, the popularity of the Greens is a reflection of how much ideology the adventuring population wants to inject/is willing to allow into the way the server is run. The Greens have a historical connection to waiKato, as former member and poster-boy cannabis gunslinger Nándor Tánczos was once editor of local liberoanarchist commu-nazi robo-feminist magazine Nexus.

Maori There is no possible way to make a single nerd joke about a Maori clan without someone calling me a racist, and I’ve had a long week.

United Future Getting into the small time now, the United Future clan is made up entirely of Priest and Paladin classes, and specialises in White and Holy Magic, as well as advanced Summons and Miracle Tech. Made from the fusion of the United and Future (formerly Christian Democrat) clans, they exist as a result of trying to get all the people who worship Jesus together, stop arguing about how to worship Jesus for five minutes, and battle evil in all its political forms. Often gains allies in other smaller parties that only really care about one thing, so expect to encounter various members from all crawls of life such as the Outdoor Recreation New Zealand, WIN (anti smoking), and Toilet Paper So It Hangs Over The Roll Thanks clans. Haven’t made much progress since they are constantly internally squabbling over who is too assertively fundamental or not evangelistic enough. Recent rebranding of the party has removed the Christian element, leaving the clan approximately nothing to identify with except for being made up of old men that probably smell like baby powder.

Family The Family Clan is made up of members from the now defunct Destiny New Zealand, and a guy from United Future. The clan describes itself as “pro-family, traditional Christian” and says that it will target Maori

Clan Battle Leader John Key has risen to public prominence with his expert use of forgotten tech skills, most noticeably passive abilities like “Seem like a nice enough guy’ and ‘Appear on Moon TV’. and Pacific Islander voters in South Auckland. It has yet to specify its weaponry and tactics, although the strong Destiny presence suggests motorcycle cavalry, black armour, and solid gold broadswords.

Kiwi Made up of the remnants of the Future clan (read above), itself a renamed remnant of the Christian Democrats. The Christian Democrats themselves are a merger between the Lords Flock and the Progressive Gospel clans, who are both offshoots from the respective right wing Catholic leaning splinter groups from both United Future and the Destiny Republic clans. All seven members are however committed being in Parliament.

New World Order Yes, there is actually a New World Order clan. They are unfortunately all dirty necromancers. Lead by Faustlock the Undying, this shadow cult has waited in the shadows for millennia, slowly puppeteering its way to power. As a backup plan, they are running in the NZGETtaE, using their formidable political manoeuvring to make up for their decaying flesh and bankrupt souls. Weak against fire due to their dry and dusty composition, this clan can be found in Hells Gate, just outside of Rotorua. Generally recommended for highlevel parties only, with some powerful damage absorbers like Engineers or Law Students. Long range firepower is needed, as well as an adept Battlemage or Nutrition Major to counter their sorcery/saucery. Rare item drops include Black Fire Gems, useful for synthesising

calculator ammunition, and Kakapo souls, which are part of a larger trading game.

New Zealand Pacific Ocean Warriors of the deep. A clan of savage mutated aquatic daemon worshippers who were banished to the oceans long ago, and have now grown gills, fins, and lisps. Very low tech, often found as high level encounters in the deepest of dungeons in high numbers. Crowd control is needed here, as adventurers can find themselves overwhelmed quickly. New Zealand Pacific mages also have the ability to swim through rocks, making them a deadly surprise for the unaware. Treat with Caution.

Prez Sez Moira Neho

Live Like a Student Challenge The challenge is over and the blogs are all in and all that’s left is for us to evaluate the success of our fearsome challengers. Look for the write up in next weeks issue to tell you just how well they did. The timing of our challenge couldn’t have been better, with the announcement that Tertiary Education Minister, Pete Hodgson, had commissioned a report to look at the cost of implementing a Universal Allowance. As expected the cost is not small (in excess of $700m) but compared to alarming rate of increasing student debt this is modest. Those of you who have been around for a while may remember the election “bribe” of 2005 when Labour promised interest free student loans. They were a second term government seeking a third and this little rabbit in the hat did the trick. Students are a major voting group if you can give them a reason to vote and if history is anything to go on then Universal Allowance might be closer than Hodgson wants to admit. Hodgson is admitting the report has been done (NZUSA is trying to get a copy if it) but

other than that, all he will say is that Labour are moving progressively towards a Universal Allowance but wouldn’t go directly to it. Fair enough – I’ll take a block of cheese instead thanks. I really hope that our challengers have enjoyed their experience and are now able to draw on a more personal experience when the discussions of a Universal Allowance is raised in their caucuses. The Reserve Bank has just dropped the official interest rate to 8% in wake of the deteriorating international economy. Financial strains are being felt across the country and students are no exception. Borrowing money to live is unacceptable. Students are the future leaders of this country and the Government, whoever that may be, needs to re-evaluate their commitment to the future of our nation.

All this election talk reminded me that the WSU election dates have been set. Nomination period: Aug 11 – Sept 5 Voting: Sep 22-24 If you want our jobs, don’t be shy. Come talk to us about the roles – even if you want mine. Don’t misunderstand me, I love my job. Being your President is one of the greatest

It is already the third week of the semester, and with all the work piling up already, I know it will go by fast. So just to make sure that you remember one of the most important things you have to do this semester, let me help you. As you all know, or should by now, it’s election year. Recently, the major parties have been announcing their election policies, trying to one-up each other in this very interesting race. With more policies yet to come, make sure that you keep an eye on the news to stay up to date. However, knowing that students don’t always have the time to do so, we will help make your decision as easy as possible by giving you as much information as we can. Later in the semester, we will have the leaders or representatives from the major parties coming onto campus to speak with you and share their student-friendly (or otherwise) policies. We will also be distributing a “student’s guide to voting” which will 24

experiences I’ve had in my short life, but if you want to run for President I would rather you came into the job informed and knowing exactly what you are getting yourself into than get the shock of your life after you’ve been elected. University Blues I wanted to say a huge congratulations to some of our athletes. The following outstanding people were recipients of a Blues award – the most prestigious award in University Sport. These awards are for the 2007 period.

Surf Life Saving – Nikki Cox Surf Life Saving – Rebecca Wright Touch Rugby – Keisha Grant

I also want to say congratulations to Juliette Haigh who won a Blue for Rowing. She is currently enrolled at Massey Auckland, but has also been a student at Waikato. My final congratulations is to Keisha Grant who not only won a Blue for Touch Rugby, but was also crowned the New Zealand Universities Maori Sports Person of the year for 2007. Congratulations to you all!

inform you of all the parties major election policies, highlighting policies that will affect you as a student. Also during the semester will be an “enrol to vote” party. While this will be an awesome event, you don’t have to wait until then to enrol. Make sure that you get your enrolment forms sent off now if you are not already enrolled. If you don’t have a form, you can come see us at the WSU, ring 0800 ENROL NOW (0800 36 76 56), or go to your local post shop for a form; or, being a part of the technologically savvy generation, you can enrol online at www.elections.org.nz. It is vital that you enrol to vote so that you can have a say in how this country is run; your decisions now will have a huge effect on your standard of living in the near future. Don’t underestimate your power. Enrol now!

Question: Where is the WSU and Student Union Building? Geo Boyd, 1st year, BCS. Answer: So if you are new around campus or you have been here for 3 years…the Student Union Building is next to the lake, Oranga café and where the demolition derby is happening at the moment. In the Student Union Building you will find several organisations such as WSU, nexus, International Student Centre, Student Job Search, Gaura, Ticketmaster and also a great hang out area with a pool table, couches, a TV and a kitchen to cook your 2 minute noodles in. So if you haven’t already, come and check us out and put the building to good use. Question: What does the WSU do and who founded it? Mario Wernli, 1st year, BCS. Answer: The WSU was set up and incorporated in 1970 by a group of politically active students. The WSU is a student organisation funded by all students enrolled at the University of Waikato, making all of you

members. Part of your fees includes a small amount which comes to us so that we can provide a range of services for you to make your university life easier and a lot more fun. So get to know who we are and what we do so you can get the most for your money! The WSU put on events such as orientations, the trolley derby, fashion shows, and the International Students’ Noho Marae trip just to name a few. We offer advocacy and hardship services for when you are having problems at the university or are in financial difficulty. We sub own Student Job Search so when you need extra money, you can get a job without having to pay a recruitment fee, and also offer a range of scholarships to help you pay those uni fees. We also lobby the government on student issues (you know how you have no interest on your student loans – thank your student union); currently we are lobbying for a universal allowance for all students. So make sure that you get involved, or find out how we can help you, because we exist to help you get through university with as little difficulty as possible (but no we can’t do your assignments for you sorry), and to make sure you have fun doing so.

Upcoming Event Thursdays in Black

By Deni Tokunai – International Director The Thursdays in Black campaign will once again be launched at the University of Waikato and fellow participating tertiary campuses nationwide on Thursday, 31’st July.

UW SP ORT

northern tertiary

CHALLENGE 08

The Thursdays in Black campaign in NZ was initiated by NZUSA, the Tertiary Women’s Focus Group, and various women working in student associations across the nation. The campaign is founded on the statement, “Demanding a world without rape and violence in our community”. Every Thursday, people around the world are invited to wear black as a symbol of strength and courage, representing our solidarity with victims of violence, demanding a world without rape and violence. Wearing black on Thursdays indicates that you are tired of putting up with rape and violence in your community. It demonstrates a desire for a community where we can all walk safely without fear of being beaten up, verbally abused, raped, and of being discriminated against due to your sexual orientation, political affiliation, gender or ethnicity.

FRIDAY 8 AUGUST 2008 > $25 p/pERSoN

REGISTER NOW! $25 per person. Includes bus to Waitakere Stadium, lunch and entry fee. Sports include: • Ultimate Frisbee • Basketball • Netball • Soccer (7 aside) • Touch Rugby • Volleyball

unisport@waikato.ac.nz

UW SPORT

M A N AG E D BY

S U p p o R T E D BY

Sport Results with AJ Huge weekend of sport was played with the highlights coming from the Varsity Prems and the Unicol Reserves who both had important wins. The rest of the soccer teams struggled in the poor conditions but there is still time in the season to finish with a flurry and cause some upsets against the top teams. However, if you’re Unicol Womens B1, you’re already one of the top teams…keep charging girls! The Varsity Prems are playing their Lion Cup Final on Saturday down at the University fields against United Matamata Sports, good luck men, destroy them!

Rugby – Varsity (W.U.R.F.C) Premiers won against Taupiri 25-11 (now into the final at home) B’s defaulted semi-final U21’s lost to Melville 12-48 (lost in plate semi-final) U85’s won against Melville (4th of 9)

18-15

Soccer – Unicol A.F.C Mens A’s (10th of 10) Reserves (5th of 10) D1 (7th of 10) D2 (9th of 10)

lost to Melville A

0-1

won against Claudelends C

1-0

lost to Cambridge D1

2-5

lost to Claudelands D2

0-8

Womens B1 lost to Melville B 0-2 (3rd of 6 in Pool A) B2 BYE (4th of 7 in Pool B)

The SGM was great, lots of new faces as well as good to catch up with some of the usual suspects. More importantly we managed to pass the new wording which will mean that the WSU gets to keep its charitable status. 300 in number and we aren’t talking about the Spartans, it would possibly be the biggest turn out including AGMs. How ever the real highlight would have to have been the paper dart competition which would have had some of our top engineering students green with envy as the design and ability of some students was awesome and it’s not everyday that you are encouraged to throw things at the president. So thank you to all who attended

RANDOM STUFF Freeloader.co.nz Where Students Buy and Sell No listing fees, success fees or registration charges, its FREE. Perfect for finding flatmates and buying and selling text books. www.freeloader.co.nz NEED MUSIC??? We are a 5 piece punk/rock band available for your party, 21st, stag do, christening, voodoo ritual etc. email demonskateboard@yahoo.com WE PLAY FOR BEER!!! myspace.com/sumolovemachine $$CASH!$$ Lost Keys!!!!! Includes USB stick, Green Garage Door Opener, and BMW tag. Also, One Big Fat Car Key, and other various keys. Probably lost around the teacher block. Call/Txt Lucy - 0211317943/ 858 3367. Thanks!!!

EDUCATION ASSISTANCE Need help typing your assignments? I will type what you write. I do not proof read or check for grammatical errors, but will type your assignments as they are written and your writing must be legible. $6.00 per typed page neg. Text 027 369 7714. Can’t get to a computer to write out your assignments? Will do limited proof reading and check for grammatical errors, but will leave as is unless asked. Will generally type assignments as they are. Must be legible, or what’s the point in giving them to me? Service offered mainly to Tauranga Students as that’s where I am, unless postage is paid. $5.00 per page ono. Phone/text 0212596154 or 5754737

Tutor required for NCEA Level 1 Science. Chartwell area. $20 cash an hour. Please email gjc14@students.waikato.ac.nz for more details. Pecha Kucha is a networking event for everyone involved in the creative sector..from architects to musicians to students.All info about the event is attached and we are keen to get the word out and about esp as we have to put on 3 more of these events.This is the first time it has been done in Hamilton and so hope to make it just as successful here as it has been around the world. www.pechakucha.co.nz Feel free to contact me if you need anymore info cheers Sandra Jensen Freelunch Performance Coordinator 021453348 sandrajensen@ihug.co.nz www.freelunch.co.nz

FLATS & MATES Room available in Student Village, Fully caterd, cost per week is $199, inculding power and three meals a day. Easy to get to uni as it is right on campus. If intrested contact Keryn on 0272571723 Flatmates wanted! 3 Big bedrooms available now. $87 a week incl power. Near all the grey street shops, close to town. Current flatmates 2 easygoing guys mid 20’s. Big lounge and kitchen, lots of parking!!! If intrested text Evon 027 323 5262

If interested contact either 0210596125 or 0273085253 Looking for a guy or girl to accommodate an unaccommodated room in our big sunny elevated house with 2 decks+ garden. $115 rent for house with heat pump, 2 bathrooms, bathtub, etc. Environment ++++ very tidy. Pets OK! Fully Fenced. Aurora Tc- nice street, It’s nothing like Dey St!! 5 mins walk to uni. Text me now 021 131 7943 to view. Looking for a FLAT???? Two females in their 20’s seeking two males to share a 4 bedroom townhouse. Room one downstairs, room two upstairs. House is clean, furnished and warm! $120 a week gives you: -Rent -Power -Food -Unlimited broadband -Waikato Times -Phone Give Rach a call or text on 0212 603 508, or phone the house on 859 3000 FLATMATE WANTED!!!! 1 student wanted to flat with 4 others, 2 guys 2 girls, aged 20-22. Great location directly opposite Gate 1 on Knighton road. $115pw for rent, broadband, phone, appliance hire, and basic food expenses eg bread & milk. Available immediately. For more information txt Lisa on 0277472075.

2bdrms available in a 5bdrm flat. Large rooms with big wardrobes. Flat is warm and sunny and is not that old. $99 per week - includes rent and power. Food at own expense.

Send notices to nexus@waikato.ac.nz before Wednesday, 5 pm. Placing notices is free for students. We don’t always have much space, so get in quick! Notices cannot be any more than 75 words. We will not accept handwritten or non-electronic notices or dictation over the phone – that’s stone-age shit. If you (somehow) don’t have access to email or a computer, come into the offices and use one of our computers to type up your notice. Ta. Oh, and we hear that personals ads work terrifyingly well, so give that a go as well – fun for everyone involved. 29

Dear Agony Art

Dear Greedo.

Here are some suggestions I have: 1) A mix tape. It sounds lame, but it’s worked on more than one occasion in my own life. I recommend a mix of 80’s songs by Huey Lewis and Jon Bon Jovi, combined with some modern classics by Justin Timberlake and Rhianna. Then write a little note on why each song is important to you. Follow this up by standing outside her window with a ghetto blaster held above your head, playing the mix tape at full bore. The less clothes you wear, the better you’ll do.

I would say ‘welcome to puberty’, but I’m guessing you’re a bit beyond that point if you’re doing American Lit at Uni. Most guys who get to university can pretty much figure out for themselves how to get a girl to

2) Arrange for flowers to randomly show up at her home/class/place of work. The more people who see her get the flowers, the better. You can choose to sign your name or not, but if you don’t, be aware that

be aware of their affection.

there are scum bags out there who will claim themselves to be the sender.

What’s the best way to get a girl to know you’re interested in her? I really like a girl in my American Lit class but I don’t think she even knows I exist. Help me Agony! Greedo (via e-mail)

Unfortunately, they’re not always subtle about it. Getting drunk and crying outside her door in College Hall was a popular method a few years ago, often with less than ideal results. This will typically just get a girl to think you have issues and/or are an emo fuck and/or have no actual room of your own. Another popular method is grabbing at her sweater-cows in a crowded bar, then fighting off the imaginary assailant. This is a pretty solid method, but mostly occurs when the male is drunk and results in his ass being kicked a whole bunch.

Because the world needs to know about Blair Munro’s leg being owie My leg hurts. This isn’t one of those drunken, wake up in the morning, “What the fuck did I do last night?” kind of pains. Conveniently, those pains can often be dealt with using the same Ibuprofen you take to cope with a massive hangover. No, my leg is hurting properly. I was stretching, and then the knee gave way. The joint rolled somehow, and I heard this loud crack, and it hasn’t been right since. It hurts at full extension and it hurts at full bend, so the resting position is at some awful obtuse angle. My leg is now the lower body equivalent of Eric Clapton’s left hand. So walking has been a lot slower for me, at least until it gets better, and this has given me a chance to think in transit a lot more. Some of you may watch a lot of television (“I don’t own a television.” “But you are aware that there is an invention called television, and on this invention they show shows, right?”), and specifically advertisements are starting to get on my nerves. That one for the musical toothbrush in particular. Tooth Tunes, I think they call it. “Featuring great artists like Kelly Clarkson, Black Eyed Peas, and Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You.’”

3) Try talking to her. I know, it sounds crazy, but it may just work. Girls have this weird obsession with talking and communication and various other things which men are genetically predisposed to sucking at. If you can get a conversation going with this young lady, then you’re one step closer to saying those four easy words: “I like your boobs”. Good luck with your endeavours, Greedo. Just remember, don’t shoot first (if you get that joke, you probably will anyways). Love Agony Art Hang on, what? So kids today can sing along with Breakaway, and My Humps, but they have to be told who sings We Will Rock You? As a child of my parents, I find that picture disturbing. I grew up on the good stuff, like John Farnham, and Queen, and Mike and the Mechanics, Sting and the Police, and M People. Nowadays, the only thing kids are growing up on is pop tripe. Yes, the offal from the stomachs of the great composers is being fed to the masses. I think Bill Bailey said it best: “There’s more evil in the charts than in an Al Qaeda suggestion box.” What these toothbrushes should have, is the full version of Bohemian Rhapsody. I can see it now: “You’ll brush your teeth for seven goddamn minutes, and you’ll goddamn enjoy it!” Ads just aren’t as clever as they used to be. If they were, I’d have had to have a different topic this week. I guess that’s the problem though, isn’t it? Ads market to children, for the simple reason that a month of a child’s nagging is far more effective at selling than a 30 second advertisement played twice a day.

On the bSport radio breakfast show the other morning, Dean Lonergan (who hosts the show with Nathan Rarere and Ian Smith) interviewed New Zealand Tour De France cyclist Julian Dean. Dean, who has spent ten years on the European professional cycling circuit, and has just completed his fourth Tour de France, was asked by Lonergan if he had witnessed cyclists using performance enhancing drugs in his time on the circuit. Dean replied that he hadn’t, a comment which Lonergan later confessed he found difficult for him to believe. His rationale for this was that given the extent of drug use within professional cycling it would be impossible for him not have witnessed some form of drug-related activity. It is sad fact that the most pertinent question an interviewer has for our only Tour de France cyclist relates to drug use, but that is the unfortunate position the sport finds itself in at the moment. Three cyclists tested positive for performance enhancing drugs during the most recent edition of cycling’s marquee event, while the defending champion, American Floyd Landis is currently serving a ban after testing positive to performance enhancing drugs following his tour win in 2007. Until authorities can find a way to categorically reassure the public that cyclists are, and have always been clean, then an air of illegitimacy will continue to hang over the sport. Aside from the fact that cyclists continue to test positive, uncertainty over whether an athlete may have taken performance enhancing drugs during a period in which they knew they would not have to give a drug test means the public will never really be sure if an athlete is 100 percent clean. One way authorities could begin to restore some faith in the sport would be to insist that any athlete who wishes to compete in a sanctioned professional event must submit regular (for argument’s sake, weekly) blood samples. Whether an athlete is competing, training or resting they must submit their sample. If they fail to submit their blood sample or fail the test, they must provide two years worth of clean samples before they will be allowed to compete again. If they err again they are banned for life. Of course this argument doesn’t take into account the logistical problem of collecting and testing the samples, nor does it provide a way to ensure all the blood samples provided actually come from the athletes themselves, and it doesn’t take into account the problem of new drugs that may initially be undetectable. But if it could be implemented, it would provide sports such as cycling and athletics with a degree of legitimacy that has been taken away by performance enhancing drugs. As long as it is possible for athletes to use drugs as a short-cut to fame and fortune there will be some who will try their luck. Some will be caught, some won’t. To free sport from the scourge of drugs authorities must remove the possibility that athlete can get away with being a drug cheat.

nomorelifefailure.tumblr.com

Chapter 2: In which we get organized Hands up: Who’s lazy? I am (my hand is up as I type). I hope yours is too. I also hope you’re in a lecture. I hope people think you have a question. Well, I’m not completely lazy, but my mind does seem to prioritize the wrong thing a lot. Like the other day it was; sleeping over class, toast over a real breakfast and comfort over wearing pants. Subsequently I seem to forget to do things, like put on pants or the majority of the weekly assessments for my class. I can be a forgetful person, in some respects. I will forget that internals are easier to complete than exams and are a valuable aspect of your total mark of a paper. As such, I need something to keep me on track, but I have yet to find an appropriate organizer for my daily life. The diary I am using at the moment is probably the best system that I have used so far. To guilt myself into using the diary every day, I bought an expensive one, specifically a Hardcover Squared Moleskin branded notebook. I specifically did not get a dated one. I divided the notebook into four sections, marking them by cutting tabs out of the side of the page, so as to keep it looking good. The first section is labelled “inbox,” the second is “projects,” followed by “follow” and then “misc.” Here’s how it works, whenever I need to remember something it goes into my inbox. When I do that task, I cross it off. At the end of the day I look at all the tasks and do what I can, everything else goes to the next page of the inbox. If it’s part of a project it goes to the page of the project section dedicated to that. The follow section is just for names, books, bands or sites that I want to follow at some point. Here’s an example: I wake up, look in my diary and see that I need pants, breakfast and to take the dead body out of my boot and throw it in the university lake. When I do that I cross it off. I will also notice a few scratches next to the task of “Body disposal”. This means that that has been put off for a few days… and it stinks (not a mistake to make twice…the body or the time frame of disposal). This system will work if you don’t have many appointments and most things are in the immediate vicinity of time. I also have found that you need to keep the book with all your Uni stuff – otherwise you will forget aspects and it defeats the whole purpose of the book.

It’s Good to be Bad Interestingly, Heavy Metal has been getting the odd quote in the news lately. Or, at least, the press releases of strange and obscure political parties. First of all, for people who don’t know: the Cradle of Filth shirt (Jesus is a C**T) shirt was recently banned. Not forgoing the fact that it’s been around for a few years now! The Metal crowd were a little over that shirt, but now its sales will increase. Once again, censorship results in higher sales figures and greater solidarity. Thanks guys, your ignorance of social systems give people like me hope. What are they going to do if someone’s wearing that shirt? What’s next, my “Machine Fucken Head” shirt? My “Team Satan” hoodie? If you go through your life gasping in horror every time you see a swear word then you’re never going to survive. There are more offensive things in the world: poverty, racism, hatred, American Idol. Sadly, Darwinism does not dictate that bubble people are bred out or killed off. Interesting (for once) was the Libertarianz response to this which included the phrase “even the lowest forms of life deserve the same rights as everyone else” (in regards to freedom of speech). Wait – when did we start talking about obscure politicians and meaningless political parties?

“Dogmatism is not the answer to nihilism; each is a variant of the other…The Catechism is not the answer to Death Metal”. Sadly, but unsurprisingly, a group has been misunderstood (and I’m not talking about Catholicism). I agree, it’s not the answer to Death Metal – more to the point, what the fuck was the question of Death Metal? Did I miss a meeting? Perhaps Death Metal is the answer to Catholicism, a transgressive break from hypocrisy. A challenge, if you will.

Another big thing lately was SOLO New Zealand (It stands for Sense of Life Objectivists – the New Zealand lot are Lindsay Perigo’s brainchild, and I use the term “brainchild,” sarcastically) discussion of what I think is The Pope (the Nazi poster boy) and Catholicism. In the confusing and cobbled-together press release was the paragraph:

Stay Bogan \m/

Eleven (11) days ago (relative to publishing), while scoffing down the excess amount of pizza available at the Nexus contributor meeting, I found a copy of Nexus, issue five (5) from 2005 (two thousand, five). For those not 4th year or older, it was an issue dedicated to nerds and nerdihood. Josh then proceeded to point out the nerd figurine atop the arcade machine, and at that point I nearly cried when I saw it had been disfigured.

For those not in the know, the new library that the Uni is building actually has less space for books than the current library (read: Wintec Student Hub). As such, books that are “of no value” to the Uni library are going to be stored by Crown Relocations while the new building is built, and afterwards will be destroyed. Most of the books on this list haven’t been checked out in a few years, and are deemed to have no or little significance. That said, at the SCMS BoS meeting, a few interesting titles were brought up which have geek cultural significance.

One of the articles was what it is like to be a nerd. As I sit in one of my COMP papers, looking around for my girlfriend’s sister’s boyfriend who is supposedly also doing this paper (that said, I’ve never seen him in here...), it gives me pause to think of how far we’ve come over the last few decades. Nerding has really become an accepted part of society, or at the very least we’re no longer at the bottom (to which we owe the emo and emo-esque crowd for displacing us up the chain). But, before I get all boring and philosophical, I call to enlighten all Level one (1) and higher nerds:

What’s the point of this? There are too many to write here. Firstly, if you’re a Metaller or a free-thinker, don’t let politicians, no matter how small, use you as political footballs. We’re all people, not pawns to the ‘machine’. Secondly, don’t let them tell you who you are or what you can wear. You’re not hurting anyone by voicing that opinion. I do not believe in total freedom of speech – I don’t tolerate racism, for instance. But a shirt like that does not hurt. It’s a statement against historical injustices and current prejudices. Nazis would say the same thing, but we’re talking about actual history not revisionism. Thirdly, don’t piss off a Bogan – we’re all smarter than you may think.

These titles include books written in the 1980s (nineteen eighties) about AI and one that was written by two NZ computer science professors. For nostalgic types these are the goldmine collection, and it’s a shame we don’t have storage capacity. The most interesting fact about this disposals process is that departments will not be able to take these tobe-destroyed books and put in their offices, tearooms, private libraries etc. If you’re interested you’d better get in contact with someone from the library (sorry, didn’t catch any names. This is professional journalism).

Tekken 6

Reviewed by Antony Parnell The Tekken franchise has always been a highly acclaimed fighting “Another new series, and another exclusive that draws addition in Tekken many to the Playstation console. There have 6 is rage mode, been rumours that after the PS3 launch it will where once a become available on the Xbox 360, but with small fraction of no mention of it at E3 this year little can be health remains, a confirmed. However, the game has been in player will do extra arcades for a while now.

damage”

This is the first Tekken in the current generation of consoles, and graphically looks very sharp. The classic Mishima uppercut looks superb in HD, making it very satisfying to launch your opponent and perform another in quick succession. Although graphics aren’t as important as they would be in say a FPS, seeing the ground crack or a stray pig fly into the distance with a missed kick is certainly appealing.

Controls are definitely the crux of any fighting game, and in Tekken 6 they are very much the same as they have always been. A common complaint I’ve found from new Tekken players is the responsiveness is similar to mailing your controller inputs to Namco as opposed to pressing a button. In Tekken 6 the controls are faster and inputs are more responsive, but the control system hasn’t changed enough to sway those who have serious problems with how the game plays. Juggles (combos which keep opponents in the air) have become much more integral to the game with the introduction of bounds. Bounds allow you to bounce your opponent off the ground, giving a much wider variety of carrying a combo. The bound system allows for very intuitive fighting, with skilled players able to turn a mistake into a one way flight to K.O land. The lengthy juggle system has been balanced by an increased health bar. Another new addition in Tekken 6 is rage mode, where once a small fraction of health remains, a player will do extra damage. It does add new strategy to the game, but can prove

frustrating when someone you have all but killed suddenly needs one combo “A common to take half your life. complaint I’ve Character found from new customisation is similar to Tekken 5, Tekken players is but it needs to be noted that you can the responsiveness turn Jack-6 into Optimus Prime. is similar to mailing The story doesn’t really warrant a your controller mention, with 4 new characters inputs to Namco as entering for various generic opposed to pressing reasons. The final boss is so random a button” it may as well have dropped in on a parachute. But the gameplay is where it counts, and Tekken 6 will not let you down. If you liked Tekken 5 you will love this, and it is definitely a game for PS3 owners to look forward to. 33

knows he will miss out on, how he will not be there for his young children (all aged under 7) and wife in the future. He teaches the reader of the lessons he has learnt in life that he would like to pass on to his children but which he will be unable to do so. He reveals many personal thoughts and memories to illustrate these lessons.

The Last Lecture Author: Randy Pausch with Jeffrey Zaslow Publisher: Hachette Livre Australia

last chance to impart his short life’s worth of accumulated knowledge and wisdom to that packed the lecture hall to hear him.

It would have been easy for Randy to become maudlin in his misfortune at having lived a healthy, active life yet be dying so young. Instead he has created a work that is not only

So inspirational, warm and humorous was this one hour lecture that it became a YouTube sensation and Randy was convinced to recreate his slideshow presentation in manuscript form. The result is the uplifting, emotional and thought provoking book “The Last Lecture.”

a must-read guide on how to live a great life that will empower yourself and those around you to achieve your dreams but will also serve as a wonderful lasting legacy for his family.

$34.99 In September 2007, Computer Science professor Randy Pausch gave a stirring and emotional last lecture at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. What made it so special was that Randy, at age 47, was not retiring or moving to another university; Randy was dying. This was his

Waikato Uni’s Own: Martin Rumsby One of New Zealand’s most consistent filmmaking and exhibiting talents is alive and well and very active at Waikato University. His name is Martin Rumsby. Martin has been involved in both production and promotion of experimental film since 1980. His enthusiasm for the medium knows no bounds, uncompromisingly coming before material concerns, career objectives or academic bullshit. The pleasure Martin deprives from film reminds me of the early days of the Screen & Media Department. Long before the waters were muddied by the study of the small screen or the computer screen or god knows what esoteric game or website there was a Department of Film & Television which taught, exclusively and without apology, the preeminent art form of the Twentieth Century. There were actual courses in film history! The words ‘auteur’ and ‘genre’ were permitted! A 34

Randy talks frankly about the cancer which is slowly consuming his body, of all the things he

filmmaker could be considered an artist in his or her own right, without recourse so some kind of cultural theory or structuralist/poststructuralist/post-modern/post-post modern/ post-colonial/academic-fad-of-the-moment positioning. As I say, Martin is conducting a one-man crusade to bring back the glory days. In addition to his own experimental work at post-graduate level and beyond - his boundto-be-controversial expose of the V-8s phenomenon, partially shot at Auteur House, is greatly anticipated in some quarters - he is running a series of film shorts in I.1.05 every Wednesday at 1pm for the next few weeks. There is no charge to attend these screenings; they are presented entirely in the spirit of the free and open exchange of information and true intellectual inquiry. They are the equivalent of lunchtime classical music recitals: a presentation of art first and foremost for art’s own sake. If this sounds too dull or pretentious (and it shouldn’t!), consider Martin’s description of the film this coming Wednesday, Craig Baldwin’s

“Tribulation 99: Alien Anomalies Under America”. Describing Baldwin’s work as a ‘pseudopseudodocumentary’ Rumsby sees it as presenting “a factual chronicle of US intervention in Latin America in the form of the ultimate far-right conspiracy theory, combining covert action, environmental catastrophe, space aliens, cattle mutilations, killer bees, religious prophecy, doomsday diatribes, and just about every other crackpot theory broadcast through the dentures of the contemporary American paranoiac”. If this “delirious vortex of hard truths, deadpan irony, and archival mash-ups” does not appeal, you shouldn’t be at university. Free pizza and beer giveaways notwithstanding, the so-called ‘cultural hour’ could not be put to better use.

Directed by Christopher Nolan Starring: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine I do not want to review this film. I do not want to be in the Nexus offices. I want to be back in the cinema, surrounded by the pleased grunts of comic book nerds. I want to feel my bladder swell to the size of a lemon again. I want to go and see this movie. Again. I’ve been told I’m not allowed to say too much about the story, lest it spoil the plot for all of you fools who didn’t go and see it on the weekend. All I’m going to say is that a bunch of scenes in the trailer are fakes, put in to lead us to our own conclusions about where the story will go. The Dark Knight is set a few years after Batman Begins. The Gotham Mob are on the run, too scared of Batman to do anything major. In order to rid themselves of the Caped Crusader, the criminal underworld employ an unknown hit man and bank robber: Heath ledger as the Joker. The cult of Heath Ledger is in the back of my mind as I say what I’m about to say. I’m talking about the kind of people who think Ledger’s name should’ve come before Bale’s in the list at the top of this page. It’s called The Dark Knight, ok? It is not called the Cross-Dressing Fruitbag. He is not going to win an Oscar. There, I said it. Only one person has ever won an Oscar while deceased and that guy had been acting for half a century. Heath Ledger had only been acting for fifteen years. If he does, I promise to eat the tape that lives inside of my VHS copy of The Patriot. He’s good, but I don’t believe it to be Oscar material. He’s just crazy, all the time. Sometime he’s happy-crazy. Sometimes he’s angrycrazy. Most of the time he’s just crazy-crazy.

The Dark Knight is amazing. If you’ve been following the news online, there’s very few people out there who don’t love it. It’s outselling every other movie released this year. I went into it expecting to be disappointed, as I am every time a film is over hyped on the internet. Sadly, I was not. I was so enthralled by the movie that I actually had M&Ms and frozen coke left when the credits rolled. It is an action movie with real life characters you can believe exist. Batman doesn’t have super powers and all his gadgets are based on real world concepts. The Joker’s increasingly violent and beautifully executed attacks on the hierarchy of Gotham City are unlike anything I’ve seen in a movie before. Pretty much, if you saw Batman Begins and thought it was lacking something, then see the Dark Knight at the first available time. It lacks in nothing. In fact, it could’ve done without a few things. Like changing Katie Holmes into Maggie Gyllenhaal between films. It could have done without the bladder-crushing two and a half hours of run time too. A couple of needlessly violent car chases (more an excuse to show off Batman’s ability to destroy every piece of public and private property he gets near) could have disappeared from the film and I wouldn’t have noticed. My bladder would’ve been thankful too. Other than these two comparatively small issues, The Dark Knight is pretty much the perfect film. I’m trying really hard to find fault it in as I write this. No, nothing’s coming to me yet. I really want to tell you more about the movie’s content, but Josh is so paranoid of me spoiling the ending for you guys that I’m not allowed to. 35

MOTLEY CRUE: CARNIVAL OF SINS – LIVE!

STRANGERHOOD

Reviewed by BURTON C BOGAN

Do I really need to explain Motley Crue? Okay. They are an awesome 80s Rock band, also described as Hair Metal, who have recently reformed. Consisting of Nikki Sixx (bass), Tommy Lee (drummer), Mick Mars (guitar) and Vince Neil (vocals), Motley Crue formed around 1981 and have sold over 80 million album copies world wide. They are also world renowned for their off-stage antics, with multiple brushes with the law and ‘ill health’ (rock star code for drug overdose) – the worst being Vince’s drunken car crash that resulted in someone else’s death, and Nikki Sixx’s near death experience due to a heroin overdose. Also well publicized is Tommy Lee’s womanizing (and to beat the others is absolutely amazing), including Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson – and the equally public break ups (and the sex tape fiasco). A good thing to come out of their exploits is some awesome books – the best being The Dirt (which is apparently being made into a film due to be released next year). They have also recently released a new album (their ninth) entitled Saints of Los Angeles. This DVD is of a performance in Grand Rapids, Michigan – called the Carnival of Souls. It is based around the idea of a Motley Crue concert as a circus (Stones did it! Stones did it!). This comes with all the usual stuff you would expect from a rock-style circus; clowns, face-paint, acrobats – and the whole stage is in a tent. The Carnival of Souls is hosted by the hilarious Mighty Mike, a ‘short person’, who plays the ringmaster type role. His hilarity is largely stemming from awesome imitations of the band members and his off-screen antics in the Do-Crue-mentary (but more on that later). The DVD begins with an clever claymation intro of the band, which hilariously parodies all their quirks and vices. The production on the DVD footage of the concert is awesome. The sound comes through really clear, but still believably. The visuals are great too, with sections of it filmed with a yellow tint with old ‘crackly’ effects to give the performance that creepy old circus feel, which really adds to the footage. There are also some awesome pyrotechnics and the ‘usual surprise’ from Tommy. The extras are also cool, particularly the aforementioned Crue-mentary. I always bitch about how music DVDs under utilize the behind the scenes and interviews aspects to bring you closer to the band. Not on this DVD. Not only is there the odd technical stuff that actual musicians want to see, but also some really funny bits – mostly revolving around Mighty Mike. There’s the odd bit talking to the Crue band members, but not a lot. Also missing are any drunken antic type stuff, but then that would make this DVD R18 and not M! Overall, an awesome DVD. Oh yeah…AND MOTLEY CRUE ARE COMING TO NEW ZEALAND HOPEFULLY SOMETIME THIS YEAR!

Strangerhood is made by Rooster Teeth, who are the same people who made Red v Blue, the series created around the Halo series of X-Box games, which used cut scene and in-game footage (via a technique called Machinima) to ‘tell the story’ of two opposing teams of soldiers fighting a civil war in the middle of a canyon. I really enjoyed the first season of Red v Blue and then gradually I found it just got a bit tedious due to the limitations of the subject matter. There’s only so much you can do with one type of game. Strangerhood is the story of seven characters that randomly wake up to with no memory of who they are, in a strange suburban neighbourhood. The stereotyped characters include Griggs (a paranoid army guy), Tovar (weird foreign guy), Nikki (relatively normal chick with trucker cap), Catherine (beauty queen), Dutchmiller (Wall Street), Sam (metro sexual/intellectual) and Wade (school drop-out surfer dude, think Sean Penn in Fast Times…). Much like Red v Blue, it is all from footage from a video game – this time, if you haven’t already guessed, it’s from The Sims 2. From the set up above, you can probably see some of the parodies and piss-takes to come. These include Law & Order (parodied as Lies & Disorder), Prison Break, Lost, 24 and Big Brother, among others. Also from the amazing sounding set-up above you are probably waiting for an awesome review singing its praises – particularly coming from someone like me who is a movie geek and popular culture fanatic. But my opinion of this DVD is….meh. The series start off really slow, and to be honest if it wasn’t for my journalistic responsibilities, along with my own personal stubbornness, I probably would have turned it off. It’s only in the second half of the series, perhaps, that this gets a little funnier. This is when the popular culture references become more direct. Most of the comedy for me involves Wade, Griggs and Tovar – particularly Griggs when having seemingly delusional conversations with his garden gnome. There are also some awesome and very poignant digs at the movie industry, when discussing how story-lines have become so stale that producers don’t even try anymore and release movies with titles like Sequel: The Prequel (I hopefully don’t have to explain this but in case I do…think the recent Star Wars movies). But, overall, this DVD is still a little tepid. My review has probably aroused pop-cultural gurus’ interests enough to at least have a look, and it is at least worth that, but still leaves me wondering what might have been.

Ward St (Between the Cinemas and ANZ bank) Ph 079583418

My wings don’t work the way that yours do Two of New Zealand’s best kept musical secrets (one slightly less secret than the other) are playing Hamilton on August 7. Anika Moa, who had the world at her feet and kicked it to one side, is touring New Zealand with Hamilton’s own Anna Coddington, she of Handsome Geoffrey fame. Coddington featured on backing vocals on Moa’s latest album In Swings the Tide last year and Moa returned the favour for Coddington’s debut album The Lake released recently. The pair have also toured together before in ‘05 and ’06, with Coddington as part of Moa’s backup band and the former Handsome Geoffrey singer/guitarist also toured the UK with Bic Runga. Tickets are on sale at CDs for Nix for the concert

newly appointed trustees no agenda was set and no hard decisions were made, nor were any matters discussed in too much detail. However, the group did set a date for their next meeting (in two weeks) to finalise the wording of a Trust Deed and begin organising the issues arising from the Live Music Forums held earlier this year. For more information on the Live Music Trust contact Kat at the Hamilton Community Arts Council and/or check out www.hcac.org.nz Ka kite ano.

SONG OF THE WEEK: “They Always Come” by Dinosaur Jr off the album Bug

at the Meteor Theatre, which kicks off at 8PM next Thursday night. Hamilton’s Live Music Trust had their first meeting on Wednesday night of last week. Being more a meet and greet for the

FIDELEO

AUTOZAMM

Beneath the Kaimai (An independent recording)

Drama Queen (Hark Entertainment Limited)

Conch, koauau and hue flutes introduce Beneath the Kaimai. These instantly identifiable sounds of New Zealand work as the perfect gateway to the album, eventually mixing with reverbing guitars as the band secretly enters and it all magically morphs into a guitar bass drums big blues rock groove. What follows could be described as a game of “spot the influences” as Fideleo rip out riff after riff of classic rock, prog rock, pre grunge and post-punk grooves, melodies and sound bites, but there’s more to this transformer than meets the eye. The inlay has inscribed within it: “for full effect play this record at a high volume”. But this cheeky instruction belies the subtlety that can be found in Fideleo’s music. Whether it be well placed percussion - “Alive Smile Shines”, the aforementioned wind instruments in “Intro” or the purerehua used masterfully in “Kei Raro I Te Kaimai”; nailed tight bass grooves - “Secret Whispers”, tricky time signatures played so they don’t sound tricky (5/8 groove in “Kei Raro”), or thought provoking prose delivered spoken word - “Letting Go”, it all combines to make this much more than your average kick-arse rock album. The vocals sound a wee bit exposed at times and the band loses its way here and there in the longer numbers, but all in all this is a brilliant gambit from these Matamata lads. Unfortunately it is also their coda, as the band broke up at the end of 2007. Thankfully, they left a record.

There’s no doubting the pedigree of the musicians involved in Autozamm, stalwarts of the Wellington music scene each of the 4 pieces brings a wealth of experience to the project. This, of course, is no guarantee of quality and so it might proves here. It isn’t hard to hear the potential in these songs. The playing is fantastic, honky tonk piano from ring-in Steve Small in “Baby Blue” for example, the irresistible halftime groove in “Drama Queen”, and the slick dynamic shifts in “Closer to Home”. But there seems to be that un-nameable X factor missing throughout, giving the whole thing an overall sanitised sound and feel. Some of the songs here are meant to be unashamedly pop rock and sound that way, but when the band reaches for something more gritty it comes off sounding a bit contrived. This is not necessarily a criticism of the band as for me it simply highlights the difficulty in crossing over from hard rock into mainstream. But if you like your rock spotlessly clean, well produced and definitely well played, this album belongs in your collection.

Listings courtesy of Mammoth and the Hamilton Community Arts Council TOTO/FOREIGNER/JOURNEY TRIBUTE SHOW Come and experience live band A.K.A. performing all the hits from Foreigner, Toto and Journey. A tribute combination never been before in New Zealand in rock concert format. Featuring all the hits you know from these three supergroups performed by Waikato’s best musicians. These bands are legendary for their AOR guitar based rock hits and A.K.A portray the music to true perfection. Diggers Back Bar HAMILTON 9.30pm $15 Door Charge Allmusic Academy 5 Hobson St HAMILTON

LA COMMUNE GIGS Squirrel Skin Slippers Garage / Blues / Punk w/ The Merchanists 24 July, 830pm, thursday

blues getarist free gig from 8pm thursday 31st

lauren thomson w/ stu strawbridge 8.30pm $5 on the door

w/ carlos and jim free show from 9pm sat 26th

chris thompson

@ Biddy Mulligan’s Irish Pub 742 Victoria St HAMILTON CENTRAL 31 July DOORS OPEN 8pm

friday august 1st

renee louies carafice w/ tim guy

StonerDoom Tour

tells you to fight album release tour doorsales www.monkeyrecords.com 830 start

@ Ward Lane Ward Lane, Hamilton 1 August DOORS OPEN 8:30pm STARTS AT 9pm

saturday 2nd

fabrik exhibition after party 11pm till 3am djs mikey b (roots,dancehall), selectorCAM (dubstep) Robbo from matangi (electro) dj rossballz (breaks)

Spark 08 - International festival of media, arts and design @ Wintec Student Hub 4 August DOORS OPEN 8:45am FINISHES AT Fri 8 Aug 5pm

sunday 3rd

tintin cotter ewing exhibition opening

Subjects to Hand: Joanna Paul Drawing

530 till 7pm . all welcome

When Joanna Margaret Paul died in 2003, she had been working for nearly four decades as an artist and poet. While highly respected in both spheres, she never received the acclaim she fully deserved. Hundreds of drawings left in her Wanganui studio had never before been seen. Until their re-discovery. Sat 31 May 2008 - Sun 10 Aug 2008 Cost: Free Time: 10am - 4.30pm daily Where: Waikato Museum, 1 Grantham Street

friday 25th

jimjam

Billy TK Jnr and The Groove Shakers

OTHER GIGS D Couture Fashion Parade @ Xquizart 15b Hood Street, Hamilton 30 July DOORS OPEN 7pm