issue 1 by Nexus Magazine

01 3 MARCH 2008

What you missed over summer

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party review KARNAGE KOLUMN The Chang Party Review With your host, AJ.

Un caldo benvenuto agli studenti di Waikato! The warmest of welcomes to you, the students of the ‘chang! AJ reporting at your service! This kolumn is all about documenting epic night on the grog, passionate piss-ups, and animal antics. That’s right, I’m going to be reviewing your parties this year. What you need to do is get hold of me if you know you’re having one to remember and I will magically appear and rate your pad and your party. First and foremost, I’ll lead by example and tell you about some serious Karnage that occurred earlier in ’08. My krew and I attended a schoolmates’ wedding, then proceeded to venture back to the house of pain on Greensboro. The reason why we did this was because there was a group of 10 derros that didn’t gain invitation to the reception,

Will there be any mistakes in Nexus this week?

As I see it yes – There are always mistakes in Nexus. These can often be spotted on the Busted page where the unexpected, drunk offspring of middle-class parents get naked or pash on the same sex.

GUTTERED. Anyway, after playing a few quiet drinking games, things took a turn for the worst, I was wrongfully accused and had to shot 4 Jagermeister, and then – in disgust – I downed a quarter of my main man, Jim Beam. The result of this was two hours of extreme acts of nudity (from 6pm till 8pm…still LIGHT!), including a wrestling match with Damo on the neighbour’s trampoline (who we hadn’t actually met yet.) They definitely got to see our bodies in full flesh that evening. Perhaps the most embarrassing adventure of the evening was the lawnmower incident. After realising I wasn’t going to make darkness, let alone town, I took our lawnmower and for some insane reason stuck it up a 10m tree…by myself. 1 word…disgust. It didn’t stop there, I had a little crowd settled in watching this stupidity, the locals Maori kids, all fun and games for them until I got down from the tower of timber and chased them with a road cone. Mum would be so proud…yeah right! Among other things, my car’s wing-mirrors, flat toilet seat, fence and neighbourhood respect got smashed and destroyed. Luckily I’ve moved on to bigger and better things, now living at ‘Brokesack Mountain’. On that note, if you are keen to have me present myself at your par-tay, I ask two things; you have a name for your humble abode, and you don’t do what I did earlier this year. Contact me at nexus@waikato.ac.nz and attention “AJ Par-Tay Review.” Autobots, Transform and Roll out! Decepticons, eat shit!

Will the Student Hub ever be completed?

Without a doubt – Poor Heath really is dead, although whether the cause of death was overdosing on sleeping pills or just watching too many of his buddy Mary-Kate Olsen’s movies will be forever unknown.

Very doubtful – Waikato Uni’s “Student Hub” is now something like three years in the making, but don’t expect it to be finished any time soon – if ever. It will turn out that the buildings they’re ripping out on campus right now will be replaced by an exciting post-femme-Marxist sculpture, which will “enter into an exciting dialogue with the existing campus buildings.” It will look like a broken vacuum cleaner crossed with the Batcave, and will house rats and homeless academics from the Uni’s next wave of redundancies.

Will Nexus get sued this year?

Does Nexus know what you did last summer?

Is Heath Ledger really dead?

It is certain – We’ll probably get sued by the angry middle-class parents of one of the mistakes in Busted when they receive photographic proof of his sadly misshapen and mutated genitals. Cousin marriage doesn’t pay, people. Other people we’ll probably offend will include the Christians, the Muslims, all the Minorities, the Majority, Tom Cruise/ The Scientologists, and the Femme-nazis. Ah, I think I hear a lawsuit coming now.

Cannot predict now – We don’t know. Yet. We got run over by some bastard teenagers and left for dead, covered in honey – amongst beehives. But after some dedicated stalking and late-night phone calls, we should know exactly what you did last summer, not to mention where you live. And as soon as you throw a party we’ll be there with hooks on, covered in angry, angry bees.

Will our Technical Editor finally get a girlfriend?

Ask again later – all the really sharp things have silent K’s in front of their name. Like “Knives.” And we want Nexus to be sharp. But blunt things also have K’s in front of them. Like “Knuckles.” And we want to be blunt, but not too blunt. This joke has gone to pieces, so the 8 Ball is refusing to answer any more questions. hh

Yes definitely – But we’re not entirely sure who this applies to. Last year’s Graphics Guy Matt already has a girlfriend (sorry, ladies,) so he’s either going to keep her or our new Graphics Girl Talia is going to get very lucky indeed.

Should Nexus add a K to its name, so it’s spelled Knexus?

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We know there are witty people at Waikato, because some of the things that get screamed out of moving cars are very funny. Put your wit to the test, enter the Caption Competition, and be in to win some alcohol!

Hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s this weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s picture. Come up with a caption and send it in to nexus@waikato.ac.nz. If you win, your entry will be displayed in Nexus for the whole University to see, bringing you fame, fortune and the undying attention of the opposite sex. Entries close 5pm Thursday, 6 March. Winners will be notified by email, and can get their prize from the Nexus office whenever.

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CONTENTS Nexus Issue 01 3 March 2008

Feature 15 Nexus Knows What you Did Last Summer

Vitamin C and friends investigate summer goings-on here and abroad (mostly abroad, because not much happens here that shows up on Wikipedia)

News 8-13 O’week, O’week, and more O’week, David

Bennett gets bare for charity, Mammoth arrives in Hamilton, Something to do with water, How to bludge off your student loan, Hamilton gets Inspire-d, Some guy gets caught flogging it in public, The Nexus Haiku News, and God Damn you Microsoft Word for crashing all the bloody time

Regulars and Randoms 03 Karnage Kolumn Party Review 03 Majick 8 Ball 04 Caption Competition 06 Contents (whoa) 07 Editorial 25 Notices 28 Puzzle-o-phile 29 Cromie 29 Vitamin C’s New Column, I Forget What It’s Called 30 Boganology 30 Static Void Main 31 Sports Thoughts 32 Essence of Awesome 34 Low Five 34 Agony Art 35 Citric 36 DVDs 37 The Phat Controller 37 Moving Pictures 38 Gigs 39 BUSTED!

ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

CREDITS

Editor: Joshua Drummond (nexus@waikato.ac.nz) Design: Talia Kingi (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz) Advertising: Tony Arkell (admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz/ 021 176 6180) Jack of All Trades: Andrew Neal (news@nexus-npl.co.nz) Music Ed: Carl Watkins (toezee@gmail.com) Books Ed: We don’t have one yet but please apply if you’re interested (nexus@waikato.ac.nz)

Contributors

8 Ball, AJ, Vitamin C, WSU, Special K, Mo, Carl Watkins, Burton C. Bogan, Jed Laundry, Dr Richard Swainson, Joseph Ross, Josh, Andrew, Art, Matt, Petra Jane, Mammoth, HCAC, Kat, Jim, Smellmo, Dawn (yeah, you were there) my sweet journalist’s hat, and anyone we’ve forgotten VISIT US ONLINE (once we set the website up) at nexusmag. co.nz AND myspace.com/nexusmagazine Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Because that’s the way we like it. THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, GOD, SATAN, OR VITAMIN C WHO JUST POINTED OUT I SPELLED “VIEW” WRONG EVERY SINGLE TIME. CHEERS. WANT TO ADVERSTISE WIT’ NEXUS? EMAIL nexus@waikato.ac.nz OR admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz OR call 07 838 4653 OR 021 176 6180 OR walk into our office with a briefcase full of money NEXUS IS LOCATED AT Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamiltron PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: nexus@waikato.ac.nz POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton No thanks to: Microsoft, for making software that crashes, server software that sucks, and mice that go spastic for no reason at all. This issue is dedicated to the contributors who contributed.

Hi. I’m Josh and I’m editing Nexus this year. O’week has traditionally provided Nexus editors with easy fodder for a good bitch session. There’s a lot of material out there. Stuff like the beer ads targeting youthful drinkers, hordes of brainless first years making yipping noises at all hours of the night, the incessant commercialisation of the campus. It would be easy to complain about. But here’s the rub. I actually like O’Week. I like the music blasting from the Village Green and crowds of excitable students hooning around. I like weird competitions and branding Waikato Student’s Union Directors with unripe vegetables. I like the busyness, the “anything’s possible” atmosphere. I even like, in a slightly strange way, having flyers from something like six different banks being pressed into my hands, begging me to get into more debt with them. In fact, I wish I could unleash myself from this computer and go and get amongst it properly. (Time passes) … Damn that climbing wall. Now I can’t type properly. … (The next day) Okay, now that my hands work again, I can get back to it. Right. O’Week. I like it. But I’m supposed to complain about something. Easy enough. The mainstream media has been whining about graffiti lately. I’ll jump on that bandwagon. When I was mostly not attending journalism school we were introduced to a media studies theory that suggests “the media can’t tell you what to think – but it can tell you what to think about.” One way it does this,

apparently, is through things called “news feeding frenzies.” A feeding frenzy is exactly as it sounds – the media all latch on to one particular issue and eat it to death. The New Zealand media has some particular bugbears. Watch out for the next time some poor kid gets savaged by some rabid mutt. You won’t be able to breath for stories of dog attacks for the next six weeks. Similar things happen when a carload of underage, drunken, inbred boyracers (inevitably) meets a power pole at speed. At the moment, the current feeding frenzy is graffiti (although it’s in the dying phases now) and it was sparked by the actions of a 50-year-old businessman, Bruce William Emery, who allegedly confronted, stabbed and killed a 15-year-old tagger. The media – and, naturally, the Government, which has a nose for populist policy like a shark in a tank full of blood – was all over it. Brian Rudman’s column in the New Zealand Herald was an excellent example. “Time to ban spray cans!” he yelped, like a hysterical terrier. It fit the national mood. Prime Minister Helen Clark and Justice Minister Annette King swiftly announced a ban on the sale of spray cans to under 18s, placing them on the same level as cigarettes and alcohol. As far as common logic goes, this makes all the sense of banning air because it causes hurricanes. It’s paint, for God’s sake. Taggers will just end up using other kinds of paint and we start all over again. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like tagging. It’s often the domain of idiot gangster-wannabes whose artistic contributions are on a par with the nutritional value of urinal cakes. But – and this is the point I think people are missing – at some point it crosses a line and becomes “street art,” and we could certainly do with more of that, especially in a city like Hamilton,

which (mostly) has the architectural appeal of post-atom bomb Hiroshima. Then there’s the language used by the Government. “Tagging is a destructive crime and represents an invasion of private and public property,” opined Helen Clark, in a press release. Sure, why not. Then what do you call advertising? I can think of plenty of ads that insult pretty much everyone’s intelligence – a certain beer company’s ad campaign comes to mind. You can’t move for advertising. Go out on a random Hamilton street and count the ads. Chances are they’ll outnumber graffiti tento-one. In a cute irony, you’ll often see graffiti adorning billboard advertisements – which themselves often riff on “street art” for their look and feel. Hell, there are plenty of ads in Nexus. We need them, but should we? What’s being lost in this particular feeding frenzy is a chance to debate where the line lies between tagging – which is stupid – and street art, which is not. There are some great examples of street art around – there’s some up at Wintec, in the car park opposite Burger King. If you look around Hamilton you might see stencils that say “Fuck Your Crew,” which some entrepreneur has been spraying over gang tags. Is this art? I think so. It makes you think, and that’s what art is supposed to do. So. Here we are. We’re telling you what to think about. Debate. We’ll have a letters page next week. Send your thoughts on anything in the magazine – or just anything at all – to nexus@waikato.ac.nz. Nexus Word of the Week – each week we’ll bring you a word that we’ve heard being used a lot around the campus. This week’s word, unsurprisingly, is “Funbags.”

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By Andrew Neal

Impressive student n umbers stocked the village green and downtow n Hamilton last wee k for a â&#x20AC;&#x153;fantastic, spectacu larâ&#x20AC;? Orientation 20 08. An increase in on-cam pus activities over pr evious years and fantastic summer weather left lots of students baking in the sun until late in the afternoon each day. . ..co ntinued on next pag ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08 e...

Fantastic, spectacular, superlative “It’s been fantastic, spectacular. It’s really successful, something’s always happening,” said James “Elmo” Harnett, the WSU Events Manager.

Clubs day on Wednesday saw a huge number of tents and displays. An impressive rock wall put on by the University of Waikato’s Alpine Club was a highlight that saw the campus invaded by a gaggle of school children, as well as being well utilised by students.

“We were a bit too busy last year and this time is full on, but not full on, if you know what I mean.”

The highlight of Clubs Day had to be the Wax Off event, which saw Hamilton East MP David Bennett’s thigh waxed by Labour MP Sue Marohney. WSU Director Andrew James also experienced having his “gooch” (his perineum - the bit between the balls and the arsehole – Ed) waxed, all to support the Jen Lucas Breast Cancer Appeal. AJ performed to the capacity crowd with painful howls as his pubic hair was removed. “It was unbelievable,” he said. “Shit, I think I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding from my balls.”

Events kicked off on Monday with activities “designed to be simple so everyone could take it easy,” said Harnett.

She Bought a Lemon

Sheryl purchased a car at auction, and it broke down soon after. Is she covered by the Consumer Guarantees Act? Unfortunately she is not covered. The Act doesn’t cover goods sold at auction (or by tender). If you buy at auction you should inspect the goods before you start bidding. When the hammer falls, it’s yours! Auctioned vehicles are covered by the Motor Vehicle Sales Act (look it up on the web). The University branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other problems you might have. They have heaps of pamphlets and a huge data base to help answer anyone’s questions.

Visit them at the Cowshed from 1 – 3pm daily during semesters or phone 838 4466 extn 6622 or 0800FORCAB.

AJ experienced a week full of humiliation, blood and bruises including being pelted with food by Army staffers, punches to the face, the aforementioned waxing and many more ridiculous activities, all in the name of promoting the WSU. “Stupidity is best!” he explained. (Even more O’Week on the page just over from this one)

Six week courses starting:

Tuesday 4 March 6.30pm - 7.25pm

Thursday 6 March 6.30pm - 7.30pm

We also offer 6 week Swiss Ball Fitness, Pilates matwork, Yoga, Kickboxing and Fat Loss Management courses. Visit our website or come see us for more info.

www.reccentre.co.nz

President Moira Neho was also pleased with how this year’s event ran. “Can’t believe how many people are here. I’m completely satisfied with the entire week. Even during class time lulls there were good numbers on campus.”

hip hop dance

Day activities were stepped up a notch this year, compared to previous Orientations. Unfortunately, due to the loss of a local student bar and other factors, events at the Outback Inn have been even more packed out than usual.

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By Andrew Neal Hamilton East MP David Bennett was left with a burning sensation after visiting the University campus on Wednesday last week for Clubs Day. Bennett, who was on campus in support of the Young Nats Club, ended up having his legs waxed for charity “slowly and painfully,” by none other than Labour MP Sue Marohney in front of a crowd of students at the Village Green

The Wax Off event was held in support of the Jen Lucas Breast Cancer Appeal as part of O’week festivities and saw WSU Events Manager James “Elmo” Harnett donate a generous 20 dollars. In an impressive display of pure fortitude, WSU Director Andrew “AJ” James was also waxed. “The heat of the wax going on was the worst, but hats off to AJ, the blood was impressive,” said Bennett of AJ’s effort, after his armpits and genitals bled after being waxed. Between losing hair on his shin and thigh Bennett spent time chatting and networking with students and staff.

Stoats: Impressive (Continued from previous page) There were plenty of challenges for new and returning students who were willing to step up throughout the week. Highlights included the Pizza eating competition, ZM’s “Big Man n Campus,” rock climbing competition, student Olympics and Hukafalls Jet Orientation Race. The Orientation Race saw teams perform challenges all over campus. “Team Potatoheads” made up of Paddy, Marge, Tommy and Sauce received a challenge where they had to capture 55 people “krumping” on video. “O’Week is hard,” they conceded. Student opinions of 2008’s O’week were varied. One student couldn’t help but observed

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the notably smaller presence of “free shit” being given away on campus, especially from bars. But this view was the minority. “It’s cool that something new is added each day,” opined one student. Each day saw long and frustrating pole tennis battles, live music, free sausages and the usual mix of bank stands and other groups vying for student’s attention. A new addition to the 2008 lineup was the Te Puia carving school, which spent the week forming magnificent traditional Maori artwork. Maungatautari Kiwi Reserve also had a stand for some reason, impressing many students with a stuffed stoat.

“It’s a great day, really good for the WSU,” said Bennett. He explained that he is supportive of University clubs “as employers look for extras when taking applications as well as being important for emotional and social development.” Bennett discussed student issues such as retaining interest free student loans, and also incentives for speedy repayment, if National is elected this year. He also mentioned the “possibility” of a loan write off for young doctors in rural areas.

Mammoth arrives in Hamilton Creators expect it “to be big” By Andrew Neal

An all-new gig and arts guide dropped onto the Hamilton scene last week, giving readers news, interviews and upcoming events for everything musical and arty in Hamilton. The Mammoth gig and arts guide is the brainchild of former Nexus design guy Matt Scheurich, along with friends Shane Dudfield and Pete Dawson. It was created after the team saw a need for a dedicated Hamilton gig guide. “We wanted it to be at the centre of Hamilton events,” said designer Scheurich. “We’re all

musicians, or into local music, and Hamilton didn’t really have the sort of gig guide other cities do. We want to fill that gap.” Scheurich says the guide was gotten off the ground by a grant from the Hamilton Community Arts Council and will be supported in the future by advertising. Positive feedback from local businesses has given Mammoth a head start, say the team.

Dopplegangers as well as The Datsuns. Both organised by the WSU. With the guide now off the ground, the creators are looking for contributors and any content they can find “to broaden it outside just gigs and bands.” Submissions to the guide can be entered at mammothguide.co.nz.

A handy pocket-sized A7 format was chosen for Mammoth and it will be released every two weeks. The first edition runs from February 25th to March 9th and contains interviews with OWeek acts Dick Dynamite and the

Gushing over student’s water science Environment Waikato has awarded accomplished Waikato University student Louise Fisk their prize for water science at the council’s Environment Committee meeting.

Key approves interest-free loans, forgets last four years of opposing them By Rory MacKinnon – In Unison

It is awarded annually to the top student enrolled in water science papers within the University of Waikato’s School of Science and Engineering degree.

National party leader John Key has announced that it will continue Labour’s policy of interest-free student loans if elected, despite Key’s previous descriptions of the policy as “reckless”, “irresponsible” and “fiscal insanity”.

A passion for tramping and the outdoors, and a certain natural buoyancy, helped University of Waikato student Louise Fisk to the top of her water science class: “It made me want to know how different things in the environment happen and why – fresh water is vital to it all.”

The news came at the end of January in a speech on National’s education policy, in which the former finance spokesperson proposed compulsory tertiary education as a condition of benefits for under-18 school leavers and the promise of meeting 10 per cent of student loan repayments over $500.

Environment Committee chair Jane Hennebry said Louise’s many interests in soils, plants, hydrology and the formation of landscapes were “admirable”.

“What I’ve announced today is aimed at helping borrowers get out of debt sooner, and give them certainty so they can plan. National has no intention of doing anything that impedes people from realizing their own educational ambitions”, Key said.

The Environment Waikato prize was established in 1990 by Sir Ross Jansen with the University of Waikato Earth Sciences Department. Miss Fisk has nearly completed her Bachelor of Science (Technology) degree in earth sciences and biology, and her love for learning and understanding has prompted her to consider further studies in hydrology and botany next year. In recognition of Miss Fisk’s efforts at university she was presented with a certificate and a $500 Bennett’s book voucher to help with study costs. “We are privileged to award Louise with the prize in water science in recognition of her achievements as a top student,” Cr Hennebry said.

However, press releases from 2005 found on the party website tell a very different story: in a statement dated 27 July, Key said the policy demonstrates “the economics of the old Social Credit Party [and] the integrity of a drug pusher”. Later in November he referred to the interest-free loans as an “extravagant, vote-buying policy” and predicted students “feasting on a diet of growing debt”. When recently questioned by One News on the change of tack, Key explained that the party did not want to “play ping-pong” with half a million voters’ loans. “We lost the election”, he said. - ASPA ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

Humbug

Or: why slacking on your student loan is saving you money By Rory MacKinnon and Adam Beach

When you talk to people about budgets and sorting out your life, you often hear advice about paying off loans sooner rather than later. Even shows like Money Man have gotten in on the act, sweeping in to rescue everyday bourgeois New Zealanders from monstrous debts. We all know that loans tend to balloon in size if you don’t repay them, but what people don’t realise is that interest-free loans (like those from our friends at Studylink) are an exception to the rule – repayments will actually get easier with time. Perhaps some explanation is needed. Most loans have interest for two reasons; primarily it’s there as a reward for investors (otherwise no-one would risk giving their money away to strangers). However, interest rates can also help in keeping pace with inflation (the increasing cost of everything else). If someone lent you $10,000 in ‘98 and the interest rate matched inflation (about 3%), if they called in their loan today they would at least get back the equivalent value in today’s market. Fortunately for us, this is no longer the case with student loans. Stop now if numbers make your head feel funny.

In the current situation, borrowers like us are actually best served by paying back our loans as slowly as possible. Take a graduate’s starting pay rate of $30k a year, and assume they had to take on a $28k loan to get the job. Now, they could start paying $150 per month and at 3% inflation would end up spending $24, 575 in today’s money ($28k being worth less in ten years’ time than it is now, remember?). But if they stick to the minimum rate of $102 per month, they’ll ultimately spend only $23,486 (or its equivalent value in the year two-thousand-and-whatever). So not only is it easier to pay less now; it’d be foolish not to. Obviously debt still isn’t a good thing, and National are the only party thus far which has offered assistance with our student loan repayments. Still, they’re not too comfortable about this whole ‘welfare state’ thing, so instead they’re trying to provide an incentive for those decent hardworking mainstream New Zealanders who don’t want to become burdens on society, etc., etc. The upshot is, for every lump sum payment of over $500, National will (if elected) chip in an extra 10%. Initially, it sounds like a good deal – but how

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So as it turns out, National’s policy only appears to make loan repayments fairer for those who can afford to pay them back - unfortunately the incentive is negligible. It’s no surprise to find that the Government wants your money, and likewise it’s hardly unexpected that we find similar attitudes amongst the Opposition. But don’t let them suck you in – slacking on your student loan is saving you money, and your cash is better spent elsewhere. Now, how about that stereo?

Artz on Show is bringing its unique high-quality performing arts Workshops for students aged 5-15 years to Hamilton. We’re looking for talented and enthusiastic performing arts focused people with knowledge and/or an interest in teaching students:

M P f o r h aM i l t o n e a s t

www.national.org.nz

Well, if you use the new policy to pay off the loan faster, you do start to level off the loss. But say we’ve still got our $28k loan - using the same figures we had above to pay off an extra $576 per year (which is now $633.6, thanks to National’s 10%), there’s less than seven hundred bucks’ difference between the eager beavers’ payments and the slackers, in real terms.

Wanted: Performing Arts focused people

David Bennett MP

Phone: 07 834 3407 Email: davidbennett@xtra.co.nz www.davidbennett.co.nz

does it stand up to the time-honoured student tradition of pissing your money away on beer and stereos?

Contemporary dance/jazz/Hip Hop Vocal Coaching Drama Modelling Stage Make-Up And other performing arts disciplines.

Artz on Show offers excellent working conditions in a fun and supportive environment. Keen to find out more? Please phone Nicki on 09 638 9449 or email: nicki@onshow.net.nz

Hamilton gets Inspire-d By Andrew Neal

Inspire, a free mentoring programme for aspiring artists of all kinds, is looking for applicants to join the programme. The project’s slogan is “Fast-track your arts career” and is designed to nurture rising actors, playwrights, musicians, designers and more. The basis is to give applicants the chance to meet and greet people within their chosen arts career and from this learn “inside secrets.” Begun in 2004 and run by the Hamilton Community Arts Council (HCAC), Inspire creates 10 partnerships between artists and mentors each year.

“The mentoring programme was created to give people a kick start because a lot in the art world are very talented, but have no idea how to make money from what they are doing,” said Kat Cox, Arts Adviser to HCAC. Joining budding artists with people who are successful in their business was a natural transition, says Cox Participants in Inspire have been helped by their mentors to record albums, hold public exhibitions, manage galleries and more. HCAC has a large number of mentors for the programme so applicants can be from any field when they join. Success stories from Inspire include Cornerstone Roots, filmmaker Scott Granville and many award-winning artists that Cox says are recognised in their fields “despite not being household names.” Self-love turns to fear and loathing

Self-love turns to fear and loathing

Lance Nigel Dean, who was allegedly turned down by a woman he thought was a prostitute, has been ordered to pay a fine to the court for his act of resorting to public self love.

Lance Nigel Dean, who was reportedly turned down by a woman he thought was a prostitute has been ordered to pay a fine to the court for his act of resorting to public self love. The Hamilton resident caught masturbating in his car, admitted to the charge in court despite his obvious embarrassment and offered to pay $250 emotional harm reparations to the onlooker who witnessed his special alone time. Matthew Bates, Dean’s lawyer said his client had suffered a head injury and that this may have had an effect on his ability to think clearly. The woman Dean confronted apparently said she was an escort and gave him a phone number to contact later. There has been little word from the witness to the act. Dean was also ordered to pay $130 court costs.

$250 emotional harm reparations to the onlooker who witnessed his special alone time. Matthew Bates, Dean’s lawyer said his client had suffered a head injury and that this may have had an effect on his ability to think clearly. The woman Dean confronted apparently said she was an escort and gave him a phone number to contact later. There has been little word from the witness to the act. Dean was also ordered to pay $130 court costs.

The Hamilton resident caught masturbating in his car, admitted to the charge in court despite his obvious embarrassment and offered to pay

The Nexus Haiku News By Drummond-san

Not familiar with the Haiku News? We take a traditional Japanese art form, known for its simple beauty, and completely bastardise it to write vulgar news stories. The only rule is the story must be exactly 17 syllables in length. The headlines are taken from mainstream media stories of the week. The haikus rhyme sometimes. They’re not really supposed to, but we don’t care.

Anti-depressants don’t work - study Anti-sadness pills Don’t fit depression bill Unless you’re really ill

Helicopter pilot denies ‘flying like a maniac’ “I’m no maniac,” He said, with frown “I just like to fly upside-down.”

Women foil sex attack after hearing screams Three brave women

Sex attack foiled, Sensibly, they went for the balls

Paris Hilton is ‘tired of haters’ Poor Paris, tired of haters We say, line up Throw some tomatoes.

Lily Allen spotted with Harry Potter star. (The ginger one – he plays Ron) Ginger pulls - it’s fantastic! How did he do it? It must be magic!

Barack Obama: I want Will Smith to play me “I want Will Smith,” says Barack “We have much in common We are both black.”

Liam Finn to tour with ‘family friend’ Eddie Vedder Oh my god, Finn and Vedder I just don’t know How this could get better.

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What You Missed Over Summer By Vitamin C

Welcome back kiddies! If you are a returning reader you are presumably already relying on good old Nexus for all your information, and if you’re new well... you’d better get used to it. Nexus is kind of like the real life version of Wikipidia (the free encyclopdia that anyone can edit!), except you don’t get to edit it, and you have to pick it up with your hands. Since you poor souls had no access to our hallowed pages and therefore no worthy knowledge whatsoever, over summer I put this little doozy together as these hijinks hit the headlines.

November

NOV1 - Meatloaf warns his audience at a Halloween concert that they should enjoy it because it would be the last of his life, suddenly anouncing 70 minutes in that he was all done, after trying to sing the first line of Paradise By The Dashboard Light. The Nexus ending to this story involves him singing the part about his heart exploding like a bat out of hell and then clutching his chest and dying in a melodramatic display of fatal irony. Pick whichever you want, depending on how much you like Meatloaf. NOV2 - ‘Bee Movie’ is released. It has Seinfeld in it, playing himself in Bee form. It’s kinda creepy. Also I fell asleep halfway through and when I woke up the bees were talking to humans and flying aeroplanes. Not an experience to be repeated. NOV2 - Genetically altered supermice are created, that are “comparable to Lance Armstrong”. Whether this is due to their bicycle-riding, steroid addiction, or affinity for banging Sheryl Crow was left unstated. The altered mice can run at 1.2 kilometers per hour for up to six kilometers without stopping.

Females can breed at two and a half years of age, whereas most female mice cannot breed after the first year. The male mice were far more aggressive and were observed to “fight to the death” over resources such as females and cheese. This has been officially described as “fucking freaky”. NOV3 - President Pervaz Musharraf declares a military state of emergency in Pakistan. Pakistan had been a bit chaotic lately an account of some dodgy election results. All independent TV stations go off the air. Britain and the U.S. do the obligatory “we are not amused” bit.

“NOV24 - Kevin Rudd becomes 26th Prime Minister of Australia. John Howard is dismissed from parliament with the customary “booting” ceremony.” NOV5 - The Writers Guild of America asks 12,000 of its members to strike. Studio executives (apparently unconcerned that shows like Heroes, Lost, Grays Anatomy, Desperate Housewives etc will all be up the pooper without writers) collectively order more reality shows. This is 100 percent true. NOV6 - Belgium sets a new national record for the longest period without a government. 149 have passed since the general election; with parties still arguing over the standard bullshit no-one has paid attention to the fact that their country apparently has a record book for periods of anarchy. NOV6 - Efficient wins the Melbourne Cup. Vitamin C loses $30. NOV7 - 80,000 students protest against Venezuelan El Presidente Hugo Chavez. 9 are injured by gunmen.

ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

NOV7 - 8 People are killed in a school shooting in Finland. Venezuelan El Presidente Hugo Chavez orders his army to listen to Rammstein and play videogames in order to increase their killing ability. NOV8 - David Collins, the New Zealand Solicitor-General, declines to press charges against the 17 people arrested in the October

“DEC20 - Jesus chips in with his view of the Electoral Finance Act by striking Gisbourne with an earthquake, weighing in at 6.8 on the Richter scale. People get shaken up a bit.” 15 anti-TERROR raids in the Ureweras. Charges were laid under the TERRORISM Suppression Act, since the evidence gathered could not be used under the Arms Act. The cases were dismissed due to inadequacies in the anti-TERROR legislation. In the raid four guns and 230 rounds of ammunition were seized by 300 police officers. NOV9 - Der Governator declares a state of emergency in San Francisco in response to an oil spill. Armed with an experimental railgun and 3 litres of banana oil, he parachutes into the area after his helicopter is asploded mid-air and rescues Jessica Alba from terrorists who have teamed up with C’thulu. NOV12 - Former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto announces she has ended talks of power sharing with the President. The President continues to bomb and shoot people. NOV14 - ‘Kane and Lynch:Dead Men’ is released for PS3/360/Win. It is utter bollocks, and starts quite the stir when the editor of gamespot.com, a respected gaming magazine, gave it the bad review it deserved. The company who made it had paid a lot of money

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to have ads for it all over the website, and after the review was posted the editor was promptly fired. The shit hit that fan at this point and the giant angry nerd that is the internet went into overdrive as every man and his blog started discussing accountability in the media and so on. The website lost all credibility, a whole lot of other people quit, things changed.

DEC17 - Microsoft announces that Internet Explorer version 8 passes tests for standards compliance. Historically, this means approximately shit all.

JAN4 - Warner announces it is dropping support of HD-DVD, which causes a chain reaction in the format war, with Newline, Walmart, the porn industry and others joining the Blu-ray camp.

DEC19 - 11 years after the game was announced, and 6 years after the last proof that it even existed, 3dRealms releases a new trailer for ‘Duke Nukem: Forever’, possibly the most tragically ironic name for anything, ever.

JAN5 - Hitachi breaks the 1 terabyte barrier in hard disk drive capacity. This is theoretically enough to store a full weeks worth of high quality Danish gangbang porn.

NOV24 - Kevin Rudd becomes 26th Prime Minister of Australia. John Howard is dismissed from parliament with the customary “booting” ceremony.

DEC20 - Commencement of the Electoral Finance Act. The Act makes it illegal for anyone to spend more than NZ$12,000 criticizing or supporting a political party or taking a position on any political matter, or more than NZ$1,000 criticizing or supporting an individual member of parliament, without first registering with the Electoral Commission. The Act also limits the spending of registered third parties on political advertising to $120,000.

NOV29 - Gillian Gibbons is found guilty of inciting religious hatred and sentenced to 15 days in prison and deportation from Sudan, after she let pupils name a teddy bear “Muhammad”. NOV30 - Protesters in Sudan demand execution of Gillian Gibbons for insulting the prophet Muhammad after she let students name a teddy bear after him. ????? - According to Wikipedia, nothing happens in New Zealand in November of 2007. Oooh wait... the Silver Ferns come second in the Netball World Cup.

December

DEC3 - The President of Sudan pardons Gillian Gibbons for her alleged insult in the naming of her class teddy bear “Muhammad”. All is well again in the world. DEC2 - 96 medals, including 9 Victoria Crosses, are stolen from the QEII Army Memorial Museum in Christchurch. DEC10 - Led Zeppelin plays their first concert in 25 years at the O2 Arena in London, England. Fuck yeah. DEC11 - ‘Portal’ is finally released for PS3. I’m making a note here: “Huge success!” DEC12 - U.S President George W Bush vetoes an expansion of the federally funded, State Children’s Health Insurance Program for the second time. George Bush hates young people now, too. DEC14 - ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks’ is released. Less said, the better.

DEC20 - Jesus chips in with his view of the Electoral Finance Act by striking Gisbourne with an earthquake, weighing in at 6.8 on the Richter scale. People get shaken up a bit. DEC27 - A gunman shoots former Prime Minister of Pakistan Benazir Bhutto, killing her, and then blows himself up killing at least 22 others at an election rally in Pakistan. All sorts of conspiracy cover-up stuff springs up, such as the official cause of death being declared as resulting from slamming her head into the sun-roof while dodging the bullet, officially making this the sweetest near-escape from death ever. DEC29 - The New England Patriots are the first team in the NFL to ever finish the regular season with a record of 16-0, the first perfect regular season in the league since the 1972 Miami Dolphins.

“JAN2 - Genetically altered Lance Armstrong is created”

JAN6 - A third child from the same family in Turkey dies of Avian Bird Flu. More panic, and jokes about bird flu and Turkey. Turkey? Get it? Turkey is a bird. Like the animals that get the flu. JAN7 - A man is arrested in Texas while preparing to eat his dead girlfriend. JAN9 - The biggest bitch on the face of the earth in Fort Dodge, Iowa, sells her sons car after she finds a bottle of alcohol in it. JAN9 - Engineers at Duke University invent a three dimensional sound cloaking device. For reals. JAN11 - New Zealand Icon and all ‘round top bloke Sir Edmund Hilary dies at the age of ‘88. JAN14 - The Red Crystal is recognized as an official symbol of the International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement prompting widespread protests and copyright suits from the International Mages Guild JAN18 - ‘Cloverfield’ is released. Some loved it, some hated it, most got motion sickness. JAN21 - Cooper Lawrence, some self-help lady, decries the sex and nudity in the XBOX360 game ‘Mass Effect’, while making it painfully obvious she has no idea what she’s talking about. The internet responds

January

JAN1 - People born in the nineties are officially allowed to drink and go to town. JAN2 - Genetically altered Lance Armstrong is created, who is “comparable to supermice”. Whether this is due to his bicycle-riding, steroid addiction, or affinity for banging Sheryl Crow was left unstated. The altered Lance Armstrong can run at 120 kilometers per hour for up to six hundred kilometers without stopping. Females can breed at two and a half years of age, whereas most female Lance Armstrongs cannot breed after the first year. The male Lance Armstrongs were far more aggressive and were observed to “fight to the death” over resources such as females and cheese. This has been officially described as “fucking freaky”. JAN2 - Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails fame releases details of his experimental album distribution, where customers could choose to download it for free or pay $5. 18% coughed up, which made Trent “disappointed”.

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what you missed...continued FEB9 - Yahoo! rejects an unsolicited 44.6 billion dollar buyout offer from Microsoft. Business world collectively lets out a “Oooooooooohhh...”

cloned human embryos at an undisclosed time. We are officially living in the future.

“FEB4 – Hitler’s lost Uboat fleet found at the bottom of the Black Sea. It’s always in the last place you look, right?” by giving her latest book thousands of 1-star ratings on amazon.com until she concedes to being completely pnwed and apologizes. JAN21 - Project Chanology (or the second war of Internet vs Scientology) is launched starting with a ‘12 Monkeys’ style video being posted on Youtube by a group called ‘Anonymous’. The project was started as a response to the Church of Scientology removing a video from Youtube of an evangelical Tom Cruise. Various internet attacks are made as well as real life protests and legal action. JAN22 - State funeral held for aforementioned Kiwi hero, Sir Edmund Hilary. JAN25 - ‘Rambo’ is released, the fourth in the series. It has the highest body count to date, with 236 kills and an average of 2.59 kills per minute. JAN29 - ‘Hannah Montana’ star Miley Cyrus changes her name to Miley Ray Cyrus, for some reason wishing to promote her relation to her father, Billy. Freakishly, the tween-yearold strumpet has already had “sexy” photos of herself leaked to the internet. JAN30 - In the U.K. the High Court orders 10 Internet Service Providers to hand over the details of 150 UK customers accused of illegally sharing software. 1 point to Big Brother. JAN30 - A man claims the Blue Man Group forced a camera on a tube down his throat. JAN31 - ‘Super Smash Brothers: Brawl’ is released in Japan. Everyone else has to wait ‘til March for the good times. ????? - Stemagen Corp. announces that it has

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FEB12 - Members of the Writers Guild of America vote to end the strike that had been in effect for just over three months. FEB12 - Ron Chippindale, New Zealands Chief Inspector of Air Accidents, is struck by a car and killed. Presumably accidentally. FEB12 - Two bartenders were convicted of Grievous Bodily Harm for serving 44 shots of Tequila to a 16 year old boy, which killed him. Pussy.

????? - Oliver Stone announces his intention to do a bio-pic on George Bush. “How did Bush go from an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world? It’s like Frank Capra territory on one hand, but I’ll also cover the demons in his private life, his bouts with his dad and his conversion to Christianity, which explains a lot of where he is coming from. It includes his belief that God personally chose him to be president of the United States, and his coming into his own with the stunning, preemptive attack on Iraq”, he says.

reward. The return was brokered by a NZ Crime Kingpin, whose bail from prison was part of the deal. FEB17 - The parliament of Kosovo declares independence from Serbia. FEB17 – A helicopter and light plane collide over Paraparaumu, killing both pilots and a passenger in the plane. FEB19 - Toshiba announces it will no longer manufacture or support HD-DVD, effectively ending the format war with Blu-ray. FEB19 - Fidel Castro retires, resigning as the President of Cuba and as Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces.

FEB13 - Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd issues a formal apology to the indigenous population on behalf of the Parliament of Australia. FEB14 - In honour of St. Valentines Day, ‘Jumper’ is released. It is a romantic tale of the guy from the Star Wars prequels who can teleport getting chased around the world by Samuel L Jackon with bleached hair and a taser.

February

FEB1 - Nicholas Cage announces he is sick of his job and will probably quit. Rumors suggest he might take up acting. ZING!

FEB16 - NZ Police announce the recovery of the medals stolen from the QEII Army Memorial Museum, as a result of the $300,000

FEB2 - French President Nicolas Sarkozy marries supermodel, justifies career in politics. FEB4 – Hitler’s lost U-boat fleet found at the bottom of the Black Sea. It’s always in the last place you look, right? FEB5 - ‘Devil May Cry 4’ is released. Killy-killy stab stab shoot action for everyone. FEB6 - Heath Ledger’s death is determined as being caused by and “accidental overdose of painkillers, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medication and other prescription drugs”. FEB6 - Val Kilmer signs on as the voice of K.I.T.T in the new Knightrider series, introducing the possible story arc of a car possessed by Jim Morrison. FEB6 - U.S. Intelligence Community announces online communities such as Second Life and World of Warcraft are a safe haven for TERRORISTS.

NOV29 –A University of Waikato student is indecently assaulted on the grounds of St. Johns College early in the morning. Take this seriously guys; Hamilton is a dodgy place, filled with wierdos and degenerates. The number of stories I’ve heard recently about random assaults at night is mind-blowing. Walking home from town is a great tradition, and it’s better than driving drunk, but don’t go alone. Girls, there is still a serial rapist still at large: don’t get into his car. While the police are busy busting P-dealers and drink drivers and trying to do whatever will look the best in the newspaper, the crime that affects most of us is going unchecked. Also, burglary is huge around campus, so lock your houses and cars

up. Remember: Thieves deserve to have their hands cut off. If you catch a thief, do us all a favor and score yourself a new mantle-piece ornament while you’re at it. (Courtesy of Mr. Safety Bigglesworth) RANDOMLY - Bars came and went. Rodeo Rodeo and CBD (which replaces Handle Bar) arrived on the scene. The Loaded Hog had a facelift. The Outback… is still The Outback. Hood Street’s “just in time for the V8’s” facelift was completed, providing bar patrons with light to hook up by and see who you’re brawling with, plants to puke in, and walkways to stumble in front of taxi drivers with.

JAN26-29 - Parachute came to Mystery Creek, attracting swarms of Christians and a couple of reasonably high-profile semi-religious bands to our fair city. The crime rate skyrocketed as criminals capitalized on the all-time high levels of gullibility. DEC25 - Christmas Under the Stars was hosted by Waikato University, headlined by funky Hamilton swingers Late 80’s Mercedes. Food, rides, carols, fireworks and a jolly fat man all made an appearance, along with Santa Claus.

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WSU Director Andrew â&#x20AC;&#x153;AJâ&#x20AC;? James is a masochist. Well, he must be, because the amount of pain heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s put himself through over Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;week would just be pointless otherwise. We had some spare space going when the mag went to press, so we thought, why not humiliate him further. But, seriously? Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t encourage him, kids. He loves it.

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20 ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

prez sez Congratulations, whanau, and welcome to week two! I’m writing this on Tuesday so things are only just starting to heat up on the O’Week front. The weather is hot and you guys and girls are even hotter – and that’s just how we like it :) Congratulations to the winners of the HukaFalls Jet Orientation race - your team looked fantastic and gave our WSU team (Tight, Bright and Easy) a run for their money… in the end they came away with best team name so no one is complaining around here. I’ll admit the next part of my article may look vaguely familiar to anyone who read their O’Week guide, but – in the immortal words of SUPERGROOVE – You’ve got to know to understand! Make sure you read it. I promise this is the last time it will run!

I’ve got three things to talk to you about: 1.Boring but important (the stuff you don’t care about until you’re in a bit of strife and start freaking out) 2.Fun and exciting (it’s pretty self explanatory) 3.Random but relevant (again… it explains itself)

Boring but important: The number

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one reason that the WSU

exists is to support you. Our job is to make sure that your academic and pastoral needs are being met by the university. This means that as your President, I sit on the University Council and a variety of other committees to make sure that when the important decisions are going down, that you guys and gals get taken into consideration. Your Vice Presidents (Olivia and Pene) also sit on a lot of committees which helps expand the student influence even further. The beauty of being the WSU means that we have our “fingers in many pies” around the university, while many of the university departments only know what’s going on in their part of the campus. This means that when we get together for our weekly meetings (you’re welcome to come and check them out) we can put together the pieces of the university jigsaw and find out exactly what is going on. Now for the part that deals with you

freaking out.

Let’s say that you are having some difficulty with your lecturer; or you run into a little problem with plagiarism (it’s a scary thing but will inevitably happen to some of you); or you get sick and miss an exam or your last compulsory assignment – who you gonna call? Ghostbusters? No. Shannon Kelly. Shannon is the WSU Advocacy Coordinator and she is here to help you with pretty much anything. Like what? Well, aside from the stuff I’ve already mentioned, there is financial

pages in Nexus for upcoming WSU events throughout the year – there’s tonnes of them and we do it ‘cos we love you!

Random but relevant: There will be a fair bit of construction

on campus for the next three years and

while there is going to be some teething problems it’s all for the greater good. The University is building a new student centre (because they love you) and it means that from time to time you will have to walk a different way to class. For our students in wheelchairs – we are trying to make sure that there is minimal disruption to your access but if you have any questions just ask me. Moral of the story, kids – leave a few minutes earlier to get to class in case that huge hole outside the library opens up again.

My parting thought: A student loan is just like life support… you need it to stay alive but you can’t get rid of it until you die. (PS: No offence intended to anyone who survived life support.)

assistance available as well.

That’s right people… when you are desperate and it seems like there is no where to turn, come and see the WSU, and more often than not we will be able to “show you the money”. I’m talking about when you guys get turned down by Studylink for assistance with your bond payments; or when you’ve paid all your bills and your car breaks down and you can’t get to Uni; or when you have a huge assignment or exam and you get the mother of all tooth aches and you can’t afford to get it fixed – nau mai haere mai whanau, we are here to help.

Fun and exciting:

As you’re well aware, the WSU knows how to party. So, this week while you are comparing O’Week stories of fame and shame, remember that it’s not over. Keep an eye on the WSU

Question of the week:

How big is your student loan? I’m looking for the student with the most amount of debt. Come see me or email me… we need your help! Moira Neho WSU President president@wsu.org.nz

Party on Tauranga! By Olivia Beattie

Tauranga has never had an O’Week as big as this! As I am writing, it is the Tuesday of O’Week, and I have just arrived back from Tauranga where we had an awesome time! The day started with the sun beaming down into the courtyard. The ASB girls were highly visible in their awesome yellow t-shirts, and the NZ Blood Service was doing their bit to advance student knowledge by providing a test for people to find out what their blood type is. The sausages were sizzling (of course) and the pizza arrived promptly at 12 (thanks Domino’s). The sublime intermingling of these yummy smells drew the largest crowd Tauranga has ever seen in their courtyard. The pizza eating competition was huge. Four heats of four unveiled some very strategic pizza eaters. My favourite was the guy who ate all the crusts off the pizza and then focussed his attention on wolfing down the yummy part. Smart move mate! Alas, the females were a bit disappointing, the majority of whom were very dainty, leisurely eaters. But at least they enjoyed their pizzas, even if they didn’t make it to the next round.

two real contenders. As they raced neck and neck, the crowd rose to the occasion, spurring them on. (Sorry to the police whose offices are next door!). The winner was one Gerard Hay, who proved that steady eating and immense concentration is the winning combination. Well done mate! Ice blocks were the next order of the day, refreshing hot, sun weary individuals and providing the sugar high needed to get through the afternoon of classes. And of course Rachel and I had to get in on the action. Using heat exhaustion as an excuse, we sucked our way through yummy Fruju grapefruit and lemon ice blocks on the ride home. Cooling, zingy, and revitalising. Ahhhh, or should that be ooo ahh. There is still another huge orientation day in Tauranga to go. Unfortunately you will just have to use your imagination to revel in how amazing that was, as I am under a strict deadline to get this in. However, looking into my crystal ball (which predicts the future with an amazingly cloudy clarity), I can report that it was just as amazing as today was. I’m sure it was. Party on Tauranga!

The finals were tense. Four males. Chowing down pizzas. Eyeing each other up. Each convinced that they have what it takes. But when it came down to it, there were only

Whetu’s ramble Kiaora whanau, Really hope everyone was able to get “amongst it” during O-week and enjoy the deferent variety of festivities. While you most were holidaying on the 25th Jan 2008 to the 27th Jan 2008 eight directors from the Waikato Student Union Board attended the first New Zealand’s Union of Student Associations (NZUSA) conference for 2008. The conference is a variety of: key note speakers (Pete Hodgeson (Minister for Tertiary education) and Laila Harre); workshops and caucusing. On the first day we had a protest/rally to parliament to push what we want as students for this coming. The message to politicians is “a living allowance for all” if you want our vote in 2008. We don’t want to students to have to borrow to survive whilst studying in NZ anymore. If you want our vote then all political parties have to steep up to the mark. Four MPs were at parliament grounds to reply to our protest. The Green party was represented by Metiria Turei and the Green Party was on the same wave length as us “no need to borrow to survive”. Peter Dunne representing United Future, Marion Hobbes representing Labour dribbled on pushing out the usual political rhetoric. Who knows what they were really saying? And the National Party still hasn’t formulated tertiary education policy yet? Funny, cause that’s what they said in June 2007 NZUSA conference.

Motions at New Zealand University Students Association Men and Women’s conference report: nel by Ben Delaney At the NZUSA conference your Board of Directors were influential in a number of areas. This included:

• Reform of Maori caucus to produce better outcomes for Maori through better administration. • Introducing a campaign on campus for Male Advocates for Sexual Health (cunningly named MASH). • More support for disability code recognition (Kia Orite). • Support for a political rally to be held in conjunction with next NZUSA conference. • That NZUSA’s key message and top priority for 2008 is a living allowance for all students. • To lobby for better pastoral care for international students. • To lobby for improvement in environmental sustainability on campus. Whilst board members function at conference at a portfolio level, it was the cohesion and rationality of our group that allowed us to be persuasive. One word: Dominant. Remember if you feel strongly about these or any other issue feel free to come and speak to us, we’re here to put your voice forward on a national level.

So that’s the message my fellow students, this year from politicians we want “a living allowance for all.”

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Here at the Waikato Students’ Union we provide a free Advocacy Service for students of Waikato University. We provide this independently of the University and put students’ interests first! My name is Shannon Kelly, and I am the Advocacy Co-ordinator at the WSU. The Advocacy Service aims to help students with whatever concerns they wish to bring forward.

Students bring a range of problems to the Advocacy Service, such as: • Academic • Tenancy problems • Employment issues • Consumer issues • Financial • Personal • General matters.

Our job is to:

o Listen to students who have a problem they wish to discuss. o Help students clarify what action they wish to take. o Provide some guidance about society’s and university systems and services. o Explore with students other resources that may help. o Provide advocacy and financial support appropriate to your needs!

Although we may have related skills – our advocates are: NOT a counsellor or therapist NOT a mediator, arbitrator or judge NOT a lawyer or political lobbyist NOT a decision-maker NOT emotionally involved.

These students are all having great fun using the Advocacy service. Maybe.

Make an appointment with us by:

Ringing WSU Reception on Hamilton 856 9139. Or you can phone University 0800 WAIKATO and ask to be put through to the WSU - a free call any phone in New Zealand. Hamilton students can also simply come in to WSU Reception in the Student Union Building. An advocate is available most mornings and may be able to see you. For Tauranga students, having phoned and left contact details at WSU Reception, the co-ordinator or a volunteer will call you back and discuss your concern by phone. When further support is needed, the Coordinator will either work with you face to face or by phone, or put you in touch with a local volunteer advocate or WSU Executive member who can assist you.

Contact:

Shannon Kelly Advocacy Co-ordinator advocacy@wsu.org.nz Ph 07 856 9139

WSU Directors Crew 2008 24 ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

Send notices to nexus@waikato.ac.nz before Wednesday, 5 pm. We don’t always have much space, so get in quick! Try and keep ‘em under 75 words. Ta. All Scrap Ltd.

Have you got cars and household white ware to get rid of at your flats/accommodation/residence . We will pick up your unwanted cars, fridges, freezers, washing machines and dishwashers picked up at no charge. Payment for cars negotiable depending on condition. Phone Jason 0273744377 or 0210333639

Need help typing your assignments, I will type what you write. I do not proof read or check for grammatical errors, but will type your assignments as they are written and your writing must be legible. $7.00 per typed page neg. Text 021 205 3289

Microwave for sale $25.00,

Single Bed $50.00, Queensized

Bed Futon Matress and Base $200 o.n.o phone Tom on 856 3909

and James Glaser Weekly Meeting – Crossroads: 1pm Wed, S.G.02

Flat mate wanted to join 3

Apply to be my girlfriend!

girls and 1 guy in 43a seriden street silverdale, 10 min walk to uni. Cheap rent $99 per week including electricity. Very sunny and quiet. Please contact either 0276314494 or 0273085253 asap

Lonely 22 year old needs (fe-

male) night time cuddle partner, nookie not mandatory but preferred. Call Hubert 021 356241

Student Life – Tune In Grand

Prize Winners! iPod Nano – Joel Oughton Dinner and Movie – Ashley Sharpe Prepay $10 Cash – Xiaohua Fan

Applicants should be smart, pretty, have a sense of humour and be non-fattening. She must enjoy cuddling to DVDs and be prepared to experiment in the Art of the Shag. I am a good, keen, handsome man – what more could you want? 027 6992022, anytime.

OPEN AUDITIONS - HAIR Wanted Singers, Actors and Dancers - Hamilton Operatic Society is holding open auditions for their upcoming production of the 1960’s based musical “Hair”. Auditions are on Saturday 15th March. For more information see www.hamiltonoperatic.co.nz or call Kathie on 07 839 3082 for an audition time. WNTED: Maltese Bitch, to pay between $500-$900. Call Lucy 078647152 text 0211317943 chers

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26 ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

Sarcophagus Rex! By Blair Munro

Apparently, there was a series of armed robberies about a week or so ago, at the place where the Warehouse is. Whatever you call it. I work at one of the shops in that particular centre, and I only heard about the robberies after the people doing it had been and gone, and the car they’d used to do it was towed away, and dusted for fingerprints. Now, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but every time I imagine a scenario where my work is being held up, or my friends are in danger, it’s me who steps up, magically develops bullet-dodging and kung fu skills, and saves the day. This time however, when the possibility of real danger arose, even though I was only thinking about it, my heart started beating faster, and I nearly crapped myself. Nevertheless, the part of my brain that always manages to say the most inappropriate thing (the same part that always has to have the last word, even if it means completely destroying the mind of someone who hasn’t done anything wrong) started working, and I began to think about all the bad-ass things I could say at a moment like that, where I’m being robbed, and somehow diffuse the situation like the final scene of Pulp Fiction. Actually “I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but this isn’t exactly the first time I’ve had a gun pointed in my face,” was one of them. Sure, it would be a blatant lie, and a slightly unstable robber would pull the trigger just to test that theory out, but if I was under pressure, I’d probably say it anyway. My point is that we’ve all become conditioned by media influence. We’ve become desensitised to the violence and death in the world, and trained to think that there isn’t real danger if it happens to us. It’s not the truth and it won’t save lives. It doesn’t matter how cool you think you are, if you’re scratching your nose with the wrong end of a .45, either God is going to get a call on his hotline, and it’s you, or you’re going to act tough, do something stupid, and enjoy watching paramedics pull a bullet out of your ass before you black out. It’s most probably the latter. We aren’t equipped to deal with these sorts of problems, so when the need arises to act calmly, and not get killed, what do we do? We make headless chickens seem like Mormons by comparison. So having established that Steven Spielberg is responsible for the countless deaths of people who tried to act tough when being threatened, I’d like to provide an alternative. Say, for example, you’re walking down the road and all of a sudden, “Surprise! You’re being mugged!” What if you could challenge the mugging? “Give me your wallet!” “Okay, but first... Name six different deciduous trees!” “I don’t know any...” “Well then, give me your wallet! Bitch.”

ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

‘08 Degree Planner

NEW WORDS

PUZZLEOPHILE Comic Sands

DEGREE PLANNER

So, you’ve decide to go to Uni... - Sporting an oversized backpack -20pts - Looking constantly lost & amazed -10pts - And go out every night in Oweek +10pts - And score every night in Oweek +50pts

What Degree? Good grades in high school...

LAW Never suffer from insomnia again! Now you’ll always have that nice thick Land Law book to get you Zzzing. That shit should be on infomercials.

HOORAY. Graduation

HISTORY / COMP SCI ECONOMICS / Congrats LINGUISTICS ETC for choosing Nice work, you just something chose a degree that with real leads to NOWHERE. relevance in Your career choices today’s world are now limited to: +100pts 1) Teaching history / economics / linguistics etc. -300pts HOORAY. Graduation

CAREER: BIG IMPORTANT LAWYER - Spend 30 years doing crappy admin work in hope of one day becoming partner and start giving the orders -50pts - Take advantage of loop holes in tax law and help Big Important Managers avoid paying any tax at all. Supplement their already bloated income, while telling yourself that you’re only doing your job. +50pts - Grow a conscience and get fired +50pts

man, I’m not a business in the game. move just to stay a ke ma Trying to an. me ur, to nice to be d To sweet to be so e faces in the san th s It’ e. ag ck pa e th on g ilin sm e It’s th ... the break of dawn Sit down free at on let’s ride. me co so r, ca e Everybody in th * Quote taken out of context.

More...Words That Should Exist

Noctune A noise, unnoticeable during the daytime, which becomes magically amplified when someone within listening distance is trying to sleep. In accordance with Murphy’s Law, the noise will instantly stop the moment it is investigated and return once the listener returns to bed. Examples of noctunes include dripping taps, fridges running, creatures in the roof, and those damn beetles that make a noise like a ticking clock.

Poor grades in high school...

SPORTS SCI Eventually fail at (insert sport here) Being first, and only job at Briscoes. Realise that no-one gives a shit about sport, and that your one reason for existence was all smoke and mirrors +40pts

ARTS / MUSIC Seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it’s starting to dawn on you that you weren’t quite as good a cartoonist / guitar player as you thought. On the positive side no-one will ever expect you to shower or eat off a plate again +40pts

CAREER: NERD - Get pushed around as the network administrator in some big company, only to be fired a year later because you frittered your time away on WoW, 4chan and Myspace -100pts & 50% of your mana pool - Drop out of uni to start your own ‘web 2.0’ startup with a bunch of mates. Fail to raise any VC capital and end up wasting all your parents hard earned money on your half-arsed idea -100pts - End up creating Nexus’ weekly puzzle page -10pts

T LYRIC? WHAT ’S THAI’m a business, man

Crambled A kind of untidiness. Specifically, when a room is in a peculiar stage of disorganisation - whereupon any attempt to cleantothe will renderfrom it even more disorganised. Josh putroom in deﬁnitions the meaning of liff

Very poor grades in high school...

MANAGEMENT Get ready to pay through the nose for a degree comprised entirely of common sense. This is a real quote from a management text book*: ‘Management is all about managing.’

DENIED ENTRY - Cry in front of the admissions board and get a pity entry +20pts - Opt to give up and start that hairdressing apprenticeship you had your eye on in 6th form -60pts - Start a ‘uni entrance’ paper in order to try next semester, decide it’s not worthwhile and dropout +100pts Dropout

HOORAY. Graduation

Join failures Bill Gates, Larry Elison, Steve Jobs, Michael Dell, Richard Branson and Dhirubhai Ambani in Club Uni-Dropout. +1000pts

HOMELESS and giving head for smack

CAREER: BIG IMPORTANT MANAGER - Find out in your first year that what you should’ve been learning to be a successful manager is lying, ass-kissing and golf +50pts - Find this out in 40 years when you’re too old to swing a club and you’ve spent the good part of your life as a corporate whore -300pts - Get paid handsomely to screw hundreds and thousands of employees and shareholders out of savings and investments with shady book keeping and inflated profit forecasts +100pts - Realise at 35 you’re a lonely, greedy prick who has squandered their youth in pursuit of a 3 series BMW, a shallow, fake wife and bratty spoilt kids. - Eat lead. -500pts - Start Uni again as a ‘mature’ student -1000pts

MANAGEMENT ARTS LAW SCIENCE SPORTS COMPUTERSCIENCE ENGINEERING TEACHING Bring the correct left-over wordfind word into Nexus and go into the draw to win a neat prize

Outlook looking bleak? Want more Career Advice?

POINTLESS WHITE SPACE GOES HERE

Check out The Jake & Josh Show at 3pm Tuesdays. Only on Contact FM 88.1

28 ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

people manage to mention the Zoo or the Chlamydia Triangle before defaulting to “it’s full of cows lol!”. One person actually said “lol” as a word; not a good start, Hamilton. If you are going go down that path, why not go the whole hog and just say “get out of bed”, “go to ECON101”, “fellate the lecturer”, and “cry myself to sleep” without having to do it or even leave the house? The cow thing is an interesting situation, though, because while there are in fact cows in unexpected places - like right across the road from the university (they have little plugs into their stomachs that you can open and put your valuables in, where no thief will ever look) - they don’t exactly dominate day to day life. Our mighty city embraces them - whether in defeat or perhaps as some kind of post-modern irony - with the mooloo cow mascots all over the place, and, seemingly, the only cure for rugby fever around here is “more cowbell!” The claim that “Hamilton still struggles with the arguably undeserved nickname of ‘Cowtown’ due to its conservative rural background and relative lack of entertainment for a city its size” is debated hotly and hilariously on the wiki talk page, mostly over the definition of “struggles”. The classic “Hamiltron: City of the Future” is also mentioned, but more on that another time: the key point there for anyone who has lived here is “relative lack of entertainment”.

Wikipedia describes Hamilton as “the centre of New Zealand’s fourth largest urban area, and is the country’s seventh largest city. It is in the Waikato region of the North Island, 130 km south of Auckland. It sits at a major road and rail nexus in the centre of the Waikato basin, on both banks of the Waikato River.” Now, while this is extremely accurate, most people agree that this isn’t really what Hamilton is all about. Most people also seem to agree that Hamilton isn’t really about anything, and that’s what I’m attempting to get to the bottom of in this year’s column.

In the city where the biggest event is Fieldays, making your own fun is a big deal. There are lots of venues here willing to accomodate you for a night of beers or chasing nookie or whatever you’re into, but the pub crawl itself can be decidedly lacklustre. Any successful venue runs by a formula designed to attract and keep their target clients: if you don’t like a certain bar, chances are they don’t want you there. Knowing how each place works, who you will find there, and what you can get away with is one of many tickets to a good time, and that’s what we’ll be delving into this year.

A quick grilling of passers-by about what springs to mind when they think of Hamilton results in a lot of umming and uhhing, and most

If you’ve got any insight, comments or suggestions, send them by robotmail to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

BY BURTON C BOGAN Hi. I’m Burton C Bogan. Excellent. Welcome to Boganology. Let me bring you up to speed. Come on. There’s a lot to tell you, so let’s take the scenic route. A year has passed. I’m a little older and a little wiser. I’m starting to get hair in really weird places man. I feel like I’m turning into Sasquatch.

amazing moments in my life. I had a little tear in my eye even. It’s these emotional ties to the music that makes it what it is, an enduring art form that won’t go away - no matter how much those who don’t understand it complain.

(Note to first years…quotes are a really good way of using up your word count for essays without being accused of waffling.)

So over the next however long I can be bothered, we’ll be revisiting these issues as well as talking about some new ones. So if you’ve got any comments, ideas or whatever give me a yell at a number of online places where I lurk – burtoncbogan@hotmail.com or at one of the ‘social networking’ sites that every 14 year old and shameful 28 year old has these days www.myspace.com/boganology or www.bebo.com/boganologist. Especially if you’ve got any opinions about Metal related issues or upcoming shows (and there’s quite a few that have been and are coming up) and who knows, I’ll more than likely print it and add my own thoughts, and possibly claim the ideas as my own. Welcome to the world of University research. It’ll sure beat all the Lettuce letters complaining about Christians, parking and that smell by Bongo that you know will be coming soon.

Well I’ve been asked to do it again, and seeing as I’m dug into the University system deeper than an Alabama tick I figure I might as well do the same with the Uni magazine. So, once again, here is the literary home of Bogans and Bogan-related issues. Once again, I’m hanging round the Nexus office like a bad smell trying to get Heavy Metal stuff in the magazine. Also any other random stuff that I can loosely relate to Metal - seeing as I’m making up schools of study let’s call it Randomology. How cool would that be, a degree in randomology…wait we already have that, it’s called Arts and Social Sciences. But as well as a lack of imagination, this column is back because people out there (including myself) love the music. I went to see Iron Maiden in Australia over the break and it blew my mind. Standing amongst 11, 000 fans, waving lighters chanting to Fear of the Dark is one of the most

Much like this column.

Stay Bogan \m/

Jed Laundry Welcome starving students one and all, to another exciting year of Uni life! For those who don’t know me, my name is Jed, and I’m one of the many resident geeks you’ll find r0xing your b0x. So, in celebration of said starving-ness, I’m going to kick off this year’s article with tips to help you save money! Just a note to all the fellow geeks; next issue I’ll be stepping up the level of technical writing - it’s just nothing is pressing my buttons this week. (I think this might be a geek joke – Ed) Now, if you’re like me, you’ll have a steadfast budget and will follow it throughout the year, always having money for the things that unexpectedly come up, and will always be able to pay your bills on time. If you’re a real student, though, you’ll eat on Tuesday, and spend the rest of the government’s money on the only real necessity; alcohol. This is where tip #1 comes in. Your brand new laptop that you “had to have” probably comes with something like Quicken or Microsoft Money. Use it, and pace yourself. Constantly asking friends for money leads to Trouble with a capital T.

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Which brings me to my second tip; don’t go buying the top-of-the-lineDSE-salesperson-recommended laptop in the first few weeks. You’ll be so busy being hungover and sleeping in lectures that it really isn’t worth it, and only pedantic perfectionists (like me) will actually use it to take notes after the first week. Use the crusty old family PC your parents gave you, it works fine for Bebo-ing and stealing music. Also, if you weren’t reading my dribble last year, I recommend the Lenovo T series and Apple MacBook, based on my own testing. Now, all you BCMS, BSc (Tech) and BE (comp sci) students (I’m not sure but I also think BCGD as well); sometime over the coming week(s) you’ll see posters promoting a lecture on how to get FREE, legal, Microsoft software. Come to this. Other-degree students: find a geek and get them to give you free software. Supposedly if you come at the advertised time and not roll up late you can play on an Xbox 360, and steal lollipops with Microsoft stickers on them. Finally, if you’re going to buy the latest phone, buy the incredibly cheap phone insurance. I can’t help but laugh at those who spend gobs of money only to drop it in the toilet, leave it on the bus, have a hot chick “borrow” it or have it run over by their friend’s bicycle.

Sports Thoughts

with Joseph Ross

Hello, Sports Fans, and welcome to the first installment of Sports Thoughts for 2008. Cricket season is upon us! We have witnessed the complete and utter flop that the New Zealand-Bangladesh series proved to be, with Bangladesh failing to find the form that took them to the Super Eight stages of the World Cup last year. The England team is currently touring NZ and have provided us with a thrilling one-day series with our own Black Caps winning the series 3-1 . By the time you get your grubby little mitts on this magazine, the build up to the test series will be in full swing. The first match of this series will be played on local soil – Hamilton’s own Seddon Park – this week from Wednesday March 5th through to Sunday. It’s the first test match to be played here since the South Africans were last in New Zealand in 2004. So, what will you need to enjoy a day at the cricket for those intending on going to the match? Well, there are the obvious things you need, you know, the boring stuff: ticket, sunscreen, hat, blah blah blah. But there are other things you might need too. For those who are reasonably familiar with cricket but maybe are not completely in tune with the tactical nuances, it may be a good idea to bring your transistor radio. This is especially helpful if you are sitting where there is not a good view of the scoreboard. Bryan Waddle and his team of commentators are certainly worth listening to and the English have brought some of their own commentators down to share their knowledge of the game their ancestors invented. Earplugs are beneficial if you are unlucky enough to be seated amongst the “lager

louts” that are the Barmy Army. Well, their songs are often amusing when you first hear them, but as they loosen up and begin to look like human beetroots thanks to the absence of sunscreen, they may start to become repetitive as they belt out their favourite ditty for the 1924th time. They are indeed passionate, colourful characters (which a game like cricket has room for) but they are not to everyone’s taste, so beware if you have never gone to a New Zealand-England game before. For those of you that are artistically inclined, make and bring a banner to the game. Use your imagination to come up with your punchline. The current England team features several names that are begging to have the mickey taken out of them: Phil Mustard (who may or may not be in the test side), Stuart Broad, and the brilliantly misnamed Ryan Sidebottom. As far as the on-field action is concerned, it should (in theory) be a series in which England dominates. Their test line-up is starting to look very good and they are nothing like the team that copped a 5-0 drubbing in the Ashes a little over a year ago. They have talented bowlers like Sidebottom, Stuart Broad (a mixed bag - still inexperienced but brilliant on his day) , the ever-energetic Monty Panesar and possibly Steve Harmison, depending on his fitness. Contrast this to a New Zealand team who are presently looking down the barrel every time they don the whites. In the last twelve months they have lost high-caliber players to retirement or other factors: Shane Bond, Nathan Astle, Scott Styris (who announced his test retirement in January to focus on the one day game) et al. This will also be the last series in the career of former skipper Stephen Fleming, who since making his debut in Hamilton in early 1994 has set many records including most career test runs by a Kiwi (he’s on the verge of 7000) and he is the only NZer to have played in over 100

test matches. It may be a clichéd expression, but this is definitely a rebuilding phase for New Zealand cricket. There are many young guns in the ranks who are still trying to “cut their teeth” in the international cricket arena. They have lots of things they still need to learn, such as Craig Cumming’s tendency to always get dismissed lbw. New Zealand have had a rather anorexic diet of test cricket in recent times, with only four matches played since 2006. This has hampered the new New Zealand side’s quest to gain experience. The experienced campaigners in the England bowling attack should be able to get amongst the NZ top-and-middle order regularly, putting pressure on guys like Brendon McCullum, Jake Oram and Daniel Vettori to save face and bring respectability into the NZ total, especially if New Zealand have to bat first on a greenish track with a new ball zipping around the place off the pitch and maybe even swinging in the air. New Zealand will have its hands full trying to keep England in check even at home. This series is only the first part of a long duel between the two proud nations during the first half of ’08, as after the completion of this series, the New Zealand team will then be travelling to England to play them in their own backyard, which will indeed be a daunting task. A new addition to Sports Thoughts in 2008 – I’ll be signing off with some timeless sporting quotes I’ve found. To continue the cricket theme, Channel Nine commentator Tony Greig had this to say many years ago: “In the back of Hughes’ mind must be the though that he may eventually dance down the piss and mitch one.”

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If you’re one of those rare people who enjoys the occasional drink during O’Week, Special K has some advice for you. It might come as a surprise, but drinking doesn’t make you awesome. Sure, James Bond drinks (all the time) and I have been known to have a few, but what you have to realise is that James and I do it with much more class than a first year mixing $8 vodka. Once you realise that your personality isn’t on par with us, you will have to follow a different route to becoming awesome.

To make Absinthe you need to put one shot in the glass, place the slotted spoon over the glass and put a sugar cube on it. Next get about 6 shots worth of ice water and drip it slowly onto the cube, one drop at a time is ideal. The Absinthe will turn white and every French woman within fifty meters will be instantly attracted to you. Then you sip it. Cognac also ranks high on the awesome level. For those who haven’t tried it, Cognac is best described as Whisky made by girls for real men. Confusing? Yes? I thought so. It is like whisky,

The easiest option is to start drinking awesome drinks…awesomely.

Absinthe (actually pronounced Absint) is pretty awesome. But not the stuff you get from a regular liquor store – I have a strong suspicion that it is made from petrol, grass and urine – you have to make an effort and get genuine French absinthe. Easiest bet is to go to La Cove, on Riveria Rd. It will cost you more, but you will get some Absinthe glasses and silver Absinthe spoons. This will seem confusing at first, but if you sit down and hear my words, it will make sense. 32 ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

but much subtler. It has after-tastes of chocolate, grape or fruit, depending on the bottle. Best way to drink it is in a thin Cognac glass, or any thin glass which you can cup from the bottom and heat up the drink. Next, place your hand over the top to trap the “aroma” and swirl with your bottom hand. The last step is to sip it, or shot it, on the rocks or straight, with lemon or without, it’s a matter of taste… most people will give you awesome points just for pronouncing it right (the G is silent). Most liquor stores will only sell Alize cognac. This witches’ brew doesn’t deserve to be called cognac, seeing how it’s normally blue and mixed with vodka. Once again Le Cove is probably your best bet – prices will start at $60. odka might not sound particularly awesome,

seeing as how you’re probably holding a bottle now (true story: we used to go to Fina201 lectures with vodka in our Pump bottles, not that awesome, but still funny). But having knowledge of vodka is probably one of the most impressive skills to have. It’s like wine but not as pretentious. As far as mixing at home goes, a bottle of STILL is your best bet for quality-to-price ratio. The fun with vodka really starts when you hit town. Personally, I recommend Kremlin Bar. Each shot costs $5, and comes with a free pickle. Huh? You say. Listen, I say. You take the shot and then eat the pickle straight after. It makes the alcohol “easier” and, surprisingly enough, is complimentary in flavour. The range of vodka there is as wide as my ego (and my penis) so in theory you can spend all night trying the different flavours (just like my penis). Cocktails (just like my penis? Okay, too far) are also awesome. The greatest part about cocktails is since you don’t make them there’s even less chance for you to de-awesome yourself (until you start grinding at Altitude). The best place for cocktails is Sekure. They are priced accordingly, but once you take into account that each drink has about four shots of alcohol of your choice it becomes very economical. If you don’t know a Bloody Mary from a Lychee Peach Vodka, you might want to brush up on the basics or at least on what it is you like. Easiest way is to go to Sekure on a quite night and talk to the bar dudes, they will normally do a bunch of bottle flares, a backflip and a remix of your favourite pop song… all while making your drink. To top it of, the hottest and awesome people in Hamilton hang out at Sekure (like me, James Bond… and my penis).

-Political commentator/interviewer/newswriter: It’s election year and all the politicos will be out in force, which makes for exciting media opportunities. If you have the assertiveness to ask the big questions, or the savvy to cogently sum up the arguments, make sure you’re part of the action. On the small political scale, you can keep an eye on the WSU Board and make sure they’re not spending all your money on booze and dancing women/men. -Reviewer: Read the books first, listen to the CDs, watch the gigs, and then expound your views to thousands of readers. -Investigative feature or news writer: Delve deeper into the issues that interest you, whether it’s local, national or international. This always has the potential to produce a scoop that the mainstream media pick up on also.

-Columnist: If your sage, witty, absorbing views deserve more than just praise from your mum, take them to the student populace and distract them from Monday lectures. You can also draw, proofread, photograph, make puzzles, or simply hang out and say ‘what can I do this week?’ If you have the initiative and enthusiasm to contribute to student culture, Nexus wants you. As student media and independent commentator, Nexus has been informing and entertaining students for over 40 years and offers some great opportunities – the freedom to push boundaries, be seriously irreverent, or provide an insightful, original angle on an issue. Whether your goal is building up a strong media portfolio, becoming a notorious on-campus pseudonym, or scoring occasional free stuff, contributing to Nexus will enrich your student experience.

By MO

1.What did you do last summer? 2.What’s the best thing about O’Week? 3.What’s your best move on the opposite sex? 4.Bebo/MySpace/Facebook/Other? 5.What are your expectations of being at Waikato University?

Victoria (BA/BTchg)

1.)Shit all. Worked too much. 2.)Drinking. Not actually doing work. 3.)(laughs) I dunno… I don’t have a move! It just happens. 4.)Anti-bebo 5.)Hope it’s easier than last year. Yay nexus!

Dear Agony Art My boyfriend’s penis is too large sometimes. I love him to bits and I always will, but when we’re in bed I feel terrified of what’s coming. In more than one way. Do you have any tips to make him smaller when he’s inside me? I can barely have him for more than a few minutes before my whole body is in pain! Cassandra Bowleg

Dear Cassandra Are you serious? Is this really a problem for you, or are you just imagining a cursewhere you have a blessing? The way most women complain about the size (or lack thereof) of a man’s penis, I’m actually stupified to hear you say the things you’re telling me here. What you have is a rare gift (or a tiny vagina, I’m not sure) and you should thank the Lord every day for what He’s given you. I suppose, however, that if you’re still going to piss and moan about what’s happening in your boyfriends pants, then I have a few tips for you.

Cole (BCom)

1.)Went down to the (indecipherable) rugby training. 2.)Free stuff 3.)Wha…? Um, er, the old oneeye-er 4.)Bebo 5.)Make friends

Sepp (BCom)

1.) Spent it at GF’s. 2.) New friendly people. (The next bit is a scribble that may or may not say, “dude, you felt her up? – Ed) 3.) Eyebrow raise, the slight neck tilt 4.) Bebo 5.) Hopefully get a pass

Kiri (BTchg)

1.)Hung out at the beach, worked 2.)Free stuff 3.)Well the other night we had a party. I was a skanky cop. 4.)Bebo 5.)Drink heaps, have fun, study hard

Pinching the underside of a mans arm, on the pale flesh beneath his biceps, will definately shrink his girth. Either that or he’ll knock you in the jaw and your relationship is over, leaving you free to wander the Earth in search of something to fill (what I assume) is a gaping hole in your loins. You’ll be like that Carrdine guy in Kung Fu, only with no martial arts skills. A short sharp spank, while sometimes sexually exciting a man, can also be a deterrent to the width of his wang. A series of quick slaps to the buttocks will naturally distract his body enough to reduce his size. If your hands are too small, like the rest of your anatomy may well be, then I recommend using a stanley knife blade to slap him. The flat side will suffice, but if not, then a few quick jabs will also work. Just be careful to keep the blade hidden when he turns around. The final piece of advice I have for you is to tug on the scrotum. Leave the testes well enough alone, but pinch a small measure of loose skin between your forefinger and thumb and start tugging. This will increase the pressure in his testicles and decrease it in his shaft, leaving your uterus unscrapped by his probing head.

Chris (BMS)

1.)Worked, then headed over to Aussie for two weeks. Went to Melbourne, Sydney, Gold Coast 2.)Checking out the talent – bands and girls 3.)A good pickup line. 4.)Bebo 5.)Pass everything, as well as a good year.

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Now that I’m all hot and bothered from writing about penii and scrotums, I must run and think about rugby, performance cars and various other ungay things. Who am I kidding; those are even more gay then writing about dicks and balls. Love Agony “I’m honestly not a gay man” Art

Hey Zeuss, Where You Been? By Carl Watkins

Hello and welcome to one and all - those veterans returning to the breach for another year of filling the steadily decreasing empty spaces in your mind, and those Nexus virgins out there, fumbling with sweaty fervent fingers through your first copies of this marvellous student magazine, your minds dry sponges, thick strong and thirsty. This page is dedicated to music and every week you can flick over here, sample the latest and greatest CDs and catch up on what’s going on about town and country. I’m keen as a bean to have people put their words on this page so by all means if you have something that you reckon should be in print, drop me a line: nexus@waikato.ac.nz, put MUSIC in the subject, and I’ll do the rest.

Alternatively, if you see a gig you’d like to go to and think you could bang us out a review, come and see us and we might be able to hook you up with some passes in return for your words and/or pictures. The same is true for albums, if you’ve heard one and want to crow about it or drown it before it breeds, lemme know. If you’re real special and your idea tickles our fancy, we may even give it more space, call it a feature and list it in the contents page. Of course, if you have music news of any kind, drop it to me while it’s hot. In the meantime check out Hamilton’s latest minizine, Mammoth, available wherever you look for it. – bars, clubs, pubs, and so on. And remember to get your tickets for NZ’s premier hardcore music event, the Hamtown Smakdown. It’s the brainchild of 1157 Records and this year boasts the “most impressive lineup yet”, including Antagonist, The Chase,

Brick VS Face, Tourettes, Cry Wolf and more. For more details check out: www.elevenfiftyseven.com Also happening next weekend, for you Blues lovers out there, Ruth Wyand plays out at Raglan at the Old School Arts Centre, Saturday, March 8. Every week I’m gonna end my column with a song I’m digging on at the moment. This week this dubious distinction goes to:

“Forensic Scene” by Fugazi From the album Red Medicine

Album Review

Jig Review

Bruce Springsteen - Magic

Jiggin’ at the Jig 08

by Vitamin C

Magic is Bruce Springsteen’s first album with the E-Street band since the 9/11-inspired The Rising in 2002, and is clearly influenced by the current state of life in America. Tracks like Gypsy Biker and Last To Die comment on the effects on the American people of being in an increasingly futile war, dealing with a soldier killed in action and social consequences of giving up the war. Girls In Their Summer Clothes is the only lighthearted piece that jumps out, but even that is tinged with a rumination of the narrator getting older, and life moving on. Musically, the album is what you would expect from a Springsteen treatment of these themes. The classic rock sensibilities are all there, if occasionally restrained, but at the end of the day it all comes down to the resonance with the listener which is such a trademark of The Boss’s music. I’ve always found that a lot of his work, even his best, can come across as very ho-hum until you happen to listen to it in just the right mood. This was certainly the case with this album, and after a week or two of slow rotation I suddenly found the tracks really hitting home. Being able to relate the modern-day struggles with the American Way to a listener this way with the track Long Walk Home really sums up the appeal of Springsteens music.

By Carl Watkins

My fourth jig. Things look different in daylight. And you get to eat at the banquet at the beginning when there is actually food rather than leftovers. And your girlfriend can swim in the river while you sit and become a banquet table for the various, voracious insects that hang out near water. For me the best thing about the jig is that it gathers together a whole lot of friends and acquaintances that I could never get to be at the same place at the same time without having to invite them to my house and I just won’t do that. So I sit there on the blanket and watch the girl dance with the randoms in the customary folk dancing. I see a guy I used to flat with and worry about him some more. People are reeling around like they’re on a grass conveyor belt, tripping and stumbling through the moves, smiling faces, concentration faces, doubtful faces. It’s a crazy flesh-coloured carousel that throws off the odd passenger throughout each song. When the night comes, the rock n roll starts and younger faces supersede older ones in front of the stage. Sora Shima play a few songs even I can dance to, Dirk dangles his Dopplegangers at us. I catch up with a few more friends, same story, different reader. When MSU kick off I’m outies. That’s a tradition I’ll never mess with.

ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

Split Enz: One Out of the Bag

Family Guy: Blue Harvest

BY BURTON C BOGAN

Many bands who said “never again,” have done it again. Led Zeppelin’s back, Supergroove’s back, Boganology’s back, and Split Enz is back. At least they have been for the reunion performances they’ve done over the years, like the tour they did in 2006. Now I’m not a fan of Tim Finn’s solo stuff, and to be honest Crowded House has the same effect on me as uncooked chicken, but for some reason I’ve always liked Split Enz. So I’m pleased to say that this DVD/CD set is really good. While they’re looking a little old these days (but hell, who isn’t?), and gone is the 80s make up that used to make Split Enz stand out, the songs still sound great. They’re still wearing the rather bizarre suits that look like they were made out of stripey tea towels, but perhaps it’s a good thing that there’s no make-up as they’d probably look like they’d escaped from a retired clown hospice. Gimmicks do not mean no dignity!

Star Wars fuck fuck fuck Star Wars fuck fuck fuck Star Wars fucken great film…

For those who know Split Enz and the various line-ups they’ve had, the current Enz incarnation is Rayner, Green, Crombie, Griggs and of course the two Finns. It would’ve been nice if these Kiwi icons had filmed this at a New Zealand location, but instead it’s filmed at Rod Laver Arena in Melbourne; which give Aussies more opportunity to claim them as their own. But it has all the classics (at least my favourites) like Poor Boy, Six Months in a Leaky Boat, What’s the Matter with You?, and I See Red (which isn’t about gingers). All sound really good, although I See Red seems to have lost some of its anger (or did I just imagine that?). Actually a Metal version of I See Red would be awesome (copyright BURTON C BOGAN!) The CD that comes with it is also great, which is a pleasant surprise as most live albums tend to be really badly recorded. My only criticism is that most people buy live CDs for the added crowd noises to give them the atmosphere of being there cause they were too stingy or too late to get tickets, and on this the audience noises are fairly quiet – but who knows, to some this is probably a good thing. A definite buy for all those Kiwi rock fans that are sick of singing Who Loves Who the Most? at The Outback.

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Let’s start things straight off the bat…this is not a sequel to Stewie Griffin: The Untold story, it’s basically an extended episode. Blue Harvest is the Family Guy take on Star Wars: A New Hope, which makes you wonder why George Lucas couldn’t have just made the Star Wars film 45 minutes long…less merchandising opportunities? The actual feature itself is really good but I think given the amount of talk about it my expectations were too high. What makes Family Guy great are all the random pop cultural references, but when the episode is one giant cultural reference it kind of detracts from it a bit. Some of the funniest moments in this are pop cultural references outside of Star Wars (like a random National Lampoon: Family Vacation reference). Otherwise the most fun in watching this is spotting which Family Guy character is which Star Wars character, I won’t spoil it but some of them are hilarious and quite appropriate even if they are easy to predict. The extras include Seth McFarlane (Family Guy creator) and George Lucas discussing the Star Wars movies. Given the tight leash George has on Star Wars and spin offs this is pleasantly surprising; although McFarlane playing the part of gushing fan is a little off putting. Also on there are a teaser for a Family Guy version of Empire Strikes Back, and another Family Guy episode that I didn’t recognize so I’m not sure what series it’s from but it’s awesome. Overall this is a must for most Family Guy or Star Wars fan (especially if you’re both, and let’s face it, that would be a hell of a lot). Just that some of the jokes are poking holes in the movie (think of those annoying MAD magazine movie parodies) so Star Wars fans who can’t take a joke might want to avoid it. But overall the Blue Harvest feature itself is really good, it’s just sad that it was over-hyped.

Dr Richard Swainson Paul Thomas Anderson’s “There Will Be Blood” is arguably the best film of 2007. A pitiless adaptation of an Upton Sinclair socialist novel, its account of the birth and growth of twentieth century capitalism and mass religion, one’s corruption informing the other, has a rare sweep and power to it. Through the particular story of a misanthropic oil prospector and an opportunist would be prophet Anderson gets to the heart of American greed and avarice. It’s at once an intimate character study, a meticulous recreation of thirty years of history (roughly from the turn of the century until the Wall St crash), and an epic whose ambition and achievement brings to mind the best Hollywood films of the past.. Only in its extreme running time does “There Will Be Blood” have an obvious point of similarity to the earlier Anderson canon. His break through came a decade ago with “Boogie Nights”, an unexpectedly warm and humanistic take on the world of pornography based very loosely on the career of the legendarily well hung John Holmes. The transformation of Mark Wahlberg from an underwear model to a credible actor (with a little help from a prosthetic penis) demonstrates Anderson’s skill with performers, as does supporting turns from seasoned veteran Burt Reynolds and hitherto wasted talents like Philip Seymour Hoffman, Julianne Moore, Heather Graham, Don Cheadle and William H Macy.

characters in the manner of Robert Altman. The repeated casting of actors like Macy, John C. Reilly, and Phillip Baker Hall suggests Anderson is developing a stock company. “Magnolia”’s biggest coup, however, is its use of Tom Cruise in the role of a sexual self help guru. Cruise seems exposed as never before, his character’s insecurities fascinatingly close to the actor’s own. Stung by some critics’ suggestions that “Magnolia” was too long, Anderson contrived to write a romance of more conventional length. “Punch Drunk Love” is no typical Adam Sandler vehicle though. Anderson taps into the experimental spirit of the French New Wave, using Sandler’s trademark ‘angry man’ persona in a radically different way, emphasising his alienation and loneliness and the possibility of love transcending both. The use of abstract colours and sounds is particular effective and, as ever, the soundtrack is meticulously crafted. “There Will Be Blood” is currently screening at Village Rialto. Other Anderson titles may be rented from Auteur House.

Anderson’s fluid use of the camera and mastery of pace and tone, juxtaposing scenes of black comedy and melodrama with a third act that brings Tarantino-esque suspense into play, is truly exciting. His follow up, “Magnolia”, is even more ambitious, interweaving plotlines and

phat controller

It does leave you wondering where the Mario series can possibly go from after exploring space, though. Perhaps it’s time for Nintendo to retire the plumber and come up with something fresh.

Devil May Cry 4 (PS3/360)

The Phat Controller Super Mario Galaxy - Nintendo Wii. Review by Joshua Drummond

If Nintendo were a brothel, Mario would be the madam – the old, kind-hearted hooker who’s been around, but is still damn good in the sack. Galaxy is the third instalment in the “3D” Mario games, and sees the titular pipe-botherer rescuing princesses in deepest space. It’s been critically acclaimed as a return to form for the series after the gimmicky Super Mario Sunshine. And, for the most part, the critics are right. The game shines with variety, with hundreds of little planetoids to explore, and the nods to the old-school Mario’s are welcome. But it falls down in much the same way. The mini-levels are unique and interesting, but after several hours play-time I began wishing for a bigger – or at least, more cohesive – world to explore. Part of what makes Mario games brilliant is the progressive sense of discovery – which this game somewhat lacks, as you’re not so much discovering things as unlocking them. These are minor gripes. The game is technically brilliant, with the graphics literally shining. It’s the best looking game on the Wii by a long shot.

The series Devil May Cry has been around nearly as long as the PS2. It differentiates itself from the preexisting action genre by not only depicting the main character as a quintessential badass but by requiring the player to keep up appearances during gameplay as well. The game’s substance comes from stringing combos, dealing damage, and avoiding getting even a single scratch, all while being rated on your style in real-time. Devil May Cry 4 follows the series formula, with some welcome tweaks. Most notable is the change to a new character. Nero is a young devil hunter who gets caught up in a hunt for series regular Dante, after Dante crashes his church and slaughters a few of the congregation. Fortunately, Nero is an excellent character in himself and brings some heart to the otherwise hilariously over the top cut-scenes and plot. Gameplaywise, Nero really shakes things up. He happens to have a demonic right arm, which is used for grabbing enemies or context-specific attacks, similar in function to the chains in God of War, and this extra layer of gameplay freshens things up. It’s easy to underestimate how dependable the arm is until play switches to Dante, where the player is forced to relearn to play as him. Dante’s controls are intact from Devil May Cry 3, but with the added freedom of switching between any weapon or fighting style on the fly. It’s nothing short of mindblowing. DMC4 is a game with tonnes of replay value and packed full of those moments where you find yourself grinning like an idiot.

ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

Courtesy of PetraJane, Mammoth and the Hamilton Community Arts Council

of Celtic and Kiwi styles. Tickets are $20, available from Aqua Velvet Lounge. Visit www. greenfireislands.com for details.

Music, etc

Coming up

Tuesday

Cat Power returns to Auckland tonight with her band Dirty Delta Blues. Tickets available from Ticketmaster. Mopey Texan indie-rockers Okkervil River play up the road at the Kings Arms the same night. Okervil River be starting late in case you want to catch both shows.

Friday

Hamtown Smacktown is back, two nights of all-ages hardcore at the Meteor Theatre. Tonight, it’s Brick Vs Face with Every Man For Himself, Bad Medicine, Saving Grace, Autohate and more for $10. Doors open 7pm for a 7:30 start. You might have seen the first Mammoth Event Guide around town last week. Head down to New Friends Gallery (186 Victoria Street) tonight for their launch party featuring Dick Dynamite and the Doppelgangers, The Lookie Loos and some special surprises. Who knows, MC Stormtroopa might even show up! Capt. Nemo and Navigator spin some tunes at Main Street Dub, La Commune Cafe from 8pm.

Saturday

Antagonist head tonight’s Hamtown Smacktown bill with Tourettes, Strangers, This Is This and more. Again, it’s $10, all-ages and starts at 7:30. Or if you take your punk the old-fashioned, drunk ‘n dirty way, get to Yellow Submarine on Ward Street. The legendary UK Subs are playing with The Bludgers, My Brother Got Mulched and Last Orders.

Sunday

Chuganaut, World War Four, 8Forty8, Shane Malone and Op Shop Shake The Lake from noon at the Hamilton Lake.

Toto, Carlos Santana, The Jam, Wilco, Iron and Wine, Coheed and Cambria and CSS all pass through Auckland later this month. Minuet, the pretentious Kiwi band with the pretentious French name, do their usual avoidHamilton act and play at the Leigh Sawmill on April 4. Also, New Zealand’s Not Actually Parody Folk Duo, George and Queen, will be putting on a performance in Auckland – but not till 10 May.

38 ISSUE 01 - 3 MARCH 08

Tue 19 Feb 2008 - Fri 14 Mar 2008 Cost: FREE Further details: HCAC 07 838 6424 kat@hcac. org.nz www.hcac.org.nz

Funding Workshop

Community group looking for funding? Want to make successful applications? Come to our ‘hands on’ workshop. Includes filling in applications, budget setting, tips on getting prepared and selling your project to funders. The workshop is presented by local funders.

Mon 10 Mar 2008 Cost: FREE but spaces are limited so you MUST register Time: 9am-12pm Where: Rotary Lounge - Hamilton Gardens Pavilion, Cobham Drive Further details: Hamilton City Council 07 838 6506

Performing Arts

University of Waikato Department of Music staff and students celebrate the start of the semester and the 2008 Lunchtime Recital Series with an engaging mix of music.

Wed 27 Feb 2008 Cost: By donation Time: 1pm Where: Gallagher Concert Chamber, WEL Academy of Performing Arts, University of Waikato Campus Further details: University of Waikato Music Department (07) 838 4380 music@waikato.ac.nz www.waikato.ac.nz/music

The first ever Taiko Festival with two exciting concerts. Fri 29th February is an intimate night with two pro drummers from Japan, Saturday 1st March is a Taiko extravaganza with all six NZ Taiko groups on stage. More on the programme at www.waitaiko.com. Thu 28 Feb 2008 - Sat 01 Mar 2008 Cost: $20 one show or $30 for both Time: Evening Where: WEL Energy Academy of Performing Arts, Gate 1, University of Waikato

Workshops

INSPIRE – Young Artist Mentoring Programme Or you can mix a bit of surfing with some sounds by Green Fire Islands, who are playing at the Raglan Town Hall at 8:30 PM. Featuring Whirimako Black, members of Trinity Roots, and some of Ireland’s best playing a blend

time. If you are (or know) an aspiring artist of any form, interested in this unique opportunity and between 18-26 then this is your chance • be one of the 10 selected. Applications and more details at www.hcac.org.nz.

Fast-track your arts career with help from the best for developing talent. Join the mentoring programme that will take you places within your chosen arts field for free and on your own

LEGALISED ART

Free preliminary legal advice for those in the creative industries. Topics could include copyright, contracts, trusts, negotiations etc. Legalised Art in partnership with Tompkins Wake Lawyers has been running for a year and has already helped many Hamilton artists access a service usually too costly to acquire. Bookings are essential, enquires welcome.

Tue 19 Feb 2008 - Wed 31 Dec 2008 Cost: FREE Time: 12-1pm every Wednesday Further details: HCAC in partnership with Tompkins Wake Lawyers 07 838 6424

Tell Us About Stuff

We know a lot of stuff. But we don’t know everything. If there’s something – music, arts, gigs, performance, scheduled mayhem - going on you’d like to tell the Gig Guide about, do. Send to nexus@ waikato.ac.nz. How the hell did magazines ever get by without email?!