The Silent and Deadly Relationship Killer
Opening Prayer
Loneliness can feel like a dark, dank, musty prison cell. Its cold, hard, unforgiving walls seem to inch closer together. The worst part is the utter silence felt deep in the heart. No one can understand. No one can break through the prison doors. No one can hear, or see, or know the deep pangs of utter separation. What hope does God truly offer His children who battle loneliness? What help does the Bible offer to struggling Christians? How should a Christian understand, and grow through intense seasons of loneliness? My goal is to shed some light on these important questions, and help you battle loneliness in your life with God’s truth.
We live in arguably the most connected age in all of history. The fact that I can speak to someone in India, and look at their face through Zoom, is absolutely remarkable. Only fifty years ago, such communication and connection would have been impossible. At the same time, technology does not replace the deeper connection that we all need on a physical and spiritual level. Loneliness is a real and growing problem in the world. Secular approaches to loneliness are insufficient and ultimately unhelpful. Psychology Today defines loneliness as “the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it.” Secular approaches leave God out of the equation and miss the key to understanding how to combat loneliness in our lives.
A faithful, biblical definition of loneliness is, “the internal sorrow of relational absence or disconnection, experienced when one is separated from lifegiving fellowship with God and/or others, contrary to God’s created design for human communion.” This is a better definition because it captures God’s design for mankind. It also points us to the fact that we were made to be in a right relationship with God. Genesis 2:18 says, “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Genesis 2:18 God had created every single thing good. The Fall of Mankind had not occurred yet, but God recognizes that something essential is missing. Just as
God is One in Three persons, God declares that His image bearers should be in relationships. The driving principle and truth is that God made men and women to be in relationship with each other.
Deep and intimate relationships are essential for a satisfying and peaceful life. God made mankind to be in relationships, and when deep connections aren’t made, there are naturally hard consequences. C.S. Lewis said this, regarding our deep need for relationships: “We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves.” – C.S. Lewis in “The Four Loves” Loneliness occurs naturally, because sin has entered the world.
Sin separates and breaks our relationship with God and others. After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they hid themselves from God, covered their nakedness out of shame, and blamed each other for the sin. It is sin that naturally pushes us away from God and away from other people. It is sin that also causes sickness and death, further separating us from loved ones and family. Sin is the great cause of loneliness, but this should offer hope to the Christian because Jesus Christ has conquered sin and death.
When believers consider how to fight loneliness in their lives, one of the best places to begin is meditating on God’s nearness. If loneliness is the intense desire for deep connection, and the lack of experiencing it, then choosing to believe God is near is essential to fighting loneliness.
Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit”. Psalm 34:18 Psalm 34 is about crying out to God when experiencing affliction. Loneliness is a unique and bitter kind of affliction. This verse reminds us that even in the affliction of isolation, God is near to us. It is the humble, the broken, the weak who God is near to. This should give the lonely incredible hope and help. The fact that God is near offers practical encouragement when your heart hurts.
Proud people don’t look for God in their trials. They assume they can go through them alone, that they are the sources of all that is good, right, and true. Proud people don’t know anything about God’s nearness and His salvation to the crushed in spirit. To know God and to experience His nearness, we must first humble our hearts, weep, and cry out to God for salvation.
God promises that He will never leave His children, nor forsake them. When believers really cling to that promise, they experience the amazing byproduct of contentment and gratitude. Hebrews 13:5 says it this way, “Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5 This glorious truth is something the lonely heart can cling to and trust. No matter the trial, no matter the sin, no matter the persecution and rejection, Christians can cling to the fact that God will never leave nor forsake. Because this is true, believers can be content with what they have.
Loneliness can be a form of relational discontentment. When you are lonely, your heart can say, “I deserve deep and meaningful connection. I deserve to be loved. If only I had ______, then people would love me, and I wouldn’t feel lonely.” The author of Hebrews offers an incredible tool to battle loneliness, when he reminds us, that God will never leave nor forsake His children. When we cling to this truth, we learn something about contentment and love for the Lord.
Maybe you are lonely because you are cut off from other believers. Maybe there is no one around you who shares the same core beliefs you hold dear. Many missionary families can experience incredible loneliness, because they live far away from anyone who shares their Christian beliefs.
Psalm 139:7-10 says, “Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139:7-10 There is no place in all the universe that we can go away from the Spirit of God. He encompasses all places, and the Lord is near no matter where you are.
No matter what your current circumstances are, no matter where you live, or how far away people may seem to be, God is near. His presence can lead you, and guide you, and help you fight the loneliness you feel. Sometimes loneliness is situational and sometimes it’s more emotional, but in either case, God’s nearness is a great comfort to Christians.
It’s the good news of Jesus Christ that assures Christians that God is near, and that we have access to Him through Jesus. I mentioned that sin is what separates us from God, but in Jesus Christ, our sins are dealt with. The consequence of sin is death, but the good news of Jesus is that death is no longer the end. The gospel of Jesus promises life after death and loneliness will never exist in heaven. The greatest tool to combat loneliness is the great gospel of Jesus Christ.
In Jesus, we are assured of God’s nearness to us when we feel lonely, but God has also given us the local church. The local church is one of God’s chief tools to combat loneliness in our lives. We are commanded by God to gather together, and to serve one another in practical ways. Though there is no such thing as a perfect local church, because it’s full of sinning people, God has ordained that the local church operates as a tool in the lives of His children.
Charles Spurgeon said this, “Some Christians try to get to heaven alone, in solitude; but believers are not compared to bears, or lions, or other animals that wander alone; but those who belong to Christ are sheep in this respect, that they love to get together.” The community that the local church offers is essential in our fight against loneliness.
This community is based on the shared belief in Jesus Christ and the shared commitment to live obediently to God. It’s not based on preference or favorite sports teams, or political parties. No, the community that is fostered in the local church should be much deeper and more intimate. Like Spurgeon said, we love to get together and grow in relationship with each other.
Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25
Ever since Covid 19 shut the doors of many local churches, people have found it easy to neglect meeting together. You can now watch sermons from thousands of pastors and worship in your pajamas without ever meeting another soul. Technology cannot replace the physical and spiritual need we have for deeper connection. We are commanded to meet together and encourage one another, and you cannot do that from your couch!
The local church can help you fight loneliness by offering many ways to serve others. Loneliness can be rooted in sinful self-preoccupation. You can be so focused on how lonely you are that you fail to take opportunities to grow in relationship with others. The local church should offer you many different opportunities to serve others and grow in love for them. The local church should also help you grow in your understanding of God’s Word, as you sit under the faithful preaching of it. God has designed the local body of believers to help you grow in Christlikeness. As you do this, you will also successfully battle the loneliness you feel.
Colossians 3:16 says, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”
Colossians 3:16 The local body of believers is the best place to practice these commands. It’s when we fight loneliness through serving others that we really experience victory and gratitude. Sometimes, we experience loneliness because we struggle to be good friends in the first place.
We can long for connection and relationship, but if we have withdrawn from others, or if we have failed to show ourselves friendly, we may contribute to the very isolation we fear. God calls us not only to seek friendship but to cultivate them with humility, kindness, and consistency. The truth is, deep relationships require investment time, vulnerability, forgiveness, and love. In a world where
everything is fast-paced and disposable, biblical friendship still calls us to a higher standard: long-suffering, truth-telling, bearing one another’s burdens, and staying committed even when things are difficult.
If you’re feeling lonely today, ask yourself: Am I actively sowing into the relationships God has given me? Am I taking the initiative, praying for others, reaching out, and opening up? Or have I grown passive, waiting for others to meet me where I am? Here’s the hope: when we embrace God’s presence, walk in humility, and commit ourselves to His people, loneliness does not have the final word. God has designed both communion with Himself and community with His people as powerful antidotes to the soul-wounding effects of isolation. And the church, as imperfect as it may be, is God’s chosen family for you. In Christ, we belong to one another. We are brothers and sisters called to walk together, suffer together, rejoice together, and grow together.
So, what should you do if you’re battling loneliness? First, run to Christ. Pour out your heart before Him. He is not indifferent to your pain. He is near to the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He wept at Lazarus’s tomb, was abandoned by His friends, and cried out from the cross, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” He understands your loneliness more deeply than anyone else ever could.
Second, cling to God’s promises. “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Let the nearness of God be your strength and your song. Write His Word on your heart and speak it back to your soul when the shadows press in.
Third, plant yourself in a faithful local church. Don’t just attend belong. Be known. Be vulnerable. Be faithful. Engage in the hard work of building friendships, serving others, and showing hospitality.
Fourth, serve someone else. Sometimes the best way out of a lonely valley is to love someone who feels just as isolated as you do. Bake a meal. Write a note. Pray with someone. Invite someone into your home. The more we forget ourselves in Christlike service, the more joy we find in Him.
Finally, look to eternity. The day is coming when every tear will be wiped away, when every longing heart will be fully satisfied in the presence of the Savior. Loneliness will be no more. We will dwell together in perfect unity, in the place where God Himself will be with us as our God. Until then, we press on with hope, encouraged by this truth: we are never truly alone.
Yours in Christ,
Chris A. Rice