Dementia: Does Your Spouse Exhibit Signs?
by Peter Olsen
“Peter, it’s your father. Your mother is driving me crazy. You have to do something about her.” (This was an actual phone conversation.)
“I don’t know what you want me to do, Dad. Can you be more specific?”
“You know how she is. She has dementia, and I can’t take it anymore.”
My father was becoming unhinged; he was totally unprepared for Mom’s dementia. He was frustrated, feeling guilty, and scared.
Dementia can be a relationship killer, particularly among elderly spouses who have lived a life together for decades. Suddenly, it feels as if one morning the spouse wakes up as a different person. The two don’t know each other. Over time, dementia has crept in like a “fog on little cat’s feet.” It creeps along so slowly that you hardly notice it until it becomes unmanageable. “I can’t take it anymore.”
Discovering dementia in a spouse
Perhaps the best way to live with a spouse’s growing dementia is to plan strategies, practical strategies. I know of no one who admits that taking care of a person with dementia is easy; it’s not. But I know a lot of folks who are doing just that – caring for a spouse with dementia. If you are presented with this task, I applaud you for your perseverance. Hang in there, and plan.
If you notice memory loss, changes in thinking, or altered behavior in a spouse, it’s normal not to know what to do or how to react. First, consider the following possibilities to assess your situation specifically, before taking action.
1. What changes in thought or behavior do you see?
2. Learn about the signs of dementia and the importance of early interventions.
3. Have a conversation with family about what changes you observe.
4. Check with others. Do they
recognize the same changes as you do?
5. Offer to accompany your spouse to a doctor, counselor, or medical provider. Support them.
6. Discuss the various factors that would cause the changes. Consider the changes that have occurred in a spouse’s life that may contribute to the development of dementia.
Supporting dementia of a spouse:
Once you have witnessed the first signs of dementia, and are convinced, do not abandon your spouse. Outside care may or may not be necessary. Take the time to consider all options available for dementia care. Caring for your spouse yourself often causes resentment because of the burdens placed upon you by the constant routine of difficult care. Admitting them to a care facility might free you to rebuild a good relationship without the stress or antipathy.
A few tips to help spouses move forward smoothly when dementia is recognized. Consider the following:
1. People with dementia, like all people, have the right to be respected.
2. Try to maintain a routine, such as bathing, dressing, and eating at the same times.
3. Plan activities the person enjoys and do them at the same time.
4. Encourage the person to do as much as they are able to do on their own.
5. Serve meals in a consistent, familiar place and allow enough time for the person to eat.
6. Use safe equipment, such as shower chairs and walkers, and remove scatter rugs.
The above changes can be done easily. More difficult but equally important are the following, related to mental health:
1. Reassure the person, speak calmly, and listen to them.
2. Respect the person’s personal space.
3. Encourage two-way conversations as long as possible.
4. Keep familiar objects around the house – photographs, favorite blankets and pillows, and family books. Reminisce with the person as often as possible.
5. Remind the person who they are. But don’t say “don’t you remember?”
6. Consider music that is calming. Exercise with them appropriately.
Dealing with dementia is difficult. It’s even more challenging when it’s the person you’ve loved for so many years. Please don’t despair. If your own wits and temperament present a problem, there are many resources to help.
Spread a Little Sunshine
continued from page 3
complicated financial transactions…basic budgeting and bill paying to help seniors remain independent in their homes for as long as possible.
SHINE Counselors – SHINE (Serving the Health Insurance Needs of Everyone) counselors work with seniors to ensure they maximize their Medicare and other public benefits, saving them money by finding them the plan that best meets their needs. The Executive Office of Aging & Independence believes seniors who receive SHINE counseling save on average $3,300 on health insurance premiums and healthcare costs.
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Until next time be good, be kind and be careful.