February 24, 2016

Page 1

Disinforming students and the University community since 1893

www.dookrejects.com

Volume Baller, Issue Awesome

Gameday, February 24, 2016

UNC faces dire threat

Did you know MJ went to Carolina?

Wolfpack Students becomes self-aware, terminates self

By Johnny Utah

Pretentious Asshole of a Sports Editor

That time of year has come: Our beloved North Carolina Tar Heels face our almost-rival school of NC State in basketball. In other words, just your typical Wednesday here in Eden Chapel Hill. The Heels are coming off a masterful performance against the second-most pretentious school in the southeast, the University of Miami. This following our bullshit loss to our hated, despised, mediocre, good-for-nothing, arch-rivals, the Dook Blue Devils. (See how I spelled Duke there? By misspelling their name I’m making fun of their school.) Carolina had three timeouts to burn on its last possession, but like any good Tar Heel team, we relied on true talent and grit to win that game. Calling a timeout would have shown a sign of weakness, and everybody knows we Tar Heels are not weak. Regardless, Wednesday should be smooth sailing for head coach Roy Williams and the Tar Heels. I mean come on, it’s State. The only thing NC State fans are good for is remembering academic scandals and the 1983 NCA A Championship game (that was a shot Derrick Whittenburg, not a pass, you and I both know it). Lest we forget, State went through an academic scandal of their own that resulted in the firing of Jim “Can we stop quoting his ESPYs speech already?” Valvano. Fortunately, the Wolfpack nation’s selective memory protects its conscience and gives it the false sense that it never had an academic scandal of its own. The real tragedy is, how does State have one ESPN 30 for 30 film and Carolina has none? Did you know Michael Jordan went to Carolina? He’s the greatest. Where’s his movie? Oh wait, he’s got “Space Jam,” and that’s the best work of historical nonfiction mankind, excuse me, HUMYNkind has ever produced. But I digress. Carolina’s frontcourt should have no problem against the Wolfpack’s. State fans hate one of their players anyways. Whenever AbdulMalik Abu does anything good in a game, chants of “BOOOO!” fill the air. We’d never boo one of our players. We only recruit good players. Did I mention Michael Jordan went to Carolina? And he’s the best basketball player ever. Carolina leads the all-time series against State, 152-77. But every State fan knows their 77 wins are complete bullshit. Besides, we’re 2,140-767 alltime as a basketball team, and if you were to ignore those 767 losses, we’re technically undefeated. Senior and all-around great guy Marcus Paige hasn’t played his best as of late, but that won’t stop him from trying his best. Marcus is a great guy, isn’t he? I bet he’s friends with Michael Jordan. He’s the greatest. Come gameday, the sky will be Carolina blue, like it always is, because everybody knows God is a Carolina fan. He created Michael Jordan with the knowledge that he’d go on to play for the Heels. And Michael Jordan’s the best ever. He might be even better than Kanye. When it’s all said and done, the Tar Heels will leave Raleigh victorious and return to Chapel Hill, and they’ll be celebrated like viking warriors arriving at Valhalla. Besides, even if we do lose (and we won’t), look at the bright side: at least we don’t go to State.

The source of the evil, the name of the game, a structure hell-bent on destroying what we hold dear and decent.

DTHELL/ MAY B. NAUGHT

By Gabrielle DeCarry-out

Assistant to the Assistant Sports Editor

A vag uely a nt hropogenic mass of fraying wires, cracked monitors and hatred toward political correctness began slowly advancing toward UNC-Chapel Hill early Tuesday morning, muttering over and over beneath its breath, “I … don’t … see … color.” What was the threat, exactly? The Wolfpack, of course. After extrapolating the exact destination of the monster using her space computer, Dr. Candle Popper, who specializes in the popularization of hate algorithms, Love-Love and furry culture vis-à-vis the World Wide Web, determined the origin of the mean-wordsspewing creature. Based on its habit of feeding on the sadness and systemic oppression of minority groups, its tendency to be distracted by hentai and its enthusiastic appreciation for mediocre sports teams, Popper was able to pinpoint that the beast grew out of the NC State Facebook group, Wolfpack Students.

In a true example of freak accident, a bolt of lightning struck a mass of abandoned engineering computers at midnight while a black cat walked in front of a broken mirror and a Redditor in Utah repeated the name “Wolfpack Students” three times in their bathroom while spinning around. One of the computers had a screen permanently frozen amidst a scrolling session on Wolfpack Students, and this is what Popper believes to be key in the transformation. In the morning, it rose, stumbling to its keyboard feet. It moaned before complaining about having to walk to class in the cold. It began its trek toward UNC-Chapel Hill, its screens glowing a garish red. NC State pride, you know. That evening, professors gathered at the border of the university’s campus, anticipating an encounter with their newly born, highly formidable enemy. Strapped for supplies, the doctors, soon-to-be doctors, hardworking graduate students and graduate students who might’ve,

like, wanted to go to Los Angeles to become actors but, you know, it’s fine, turned to their school lockers for equipment to protect themselves and their school against the imminent threat. Don Donaldson of the Department of Women and Gender Studies used his stacks of specially made graduation certificates taped to his chest as makeshift armor, stating, “We soon won’t be needing so many of these anyway.” Wendy Gullson, a wannabe novelist, but, let’s be practical, maybe also a coffee bar barista with a slight attitude, an ankle tattoo and a heart of gold, brandished a staple gun. She hoped to knock the monster out with a knee injury or maybe a deep f lesh wound. She tipped her bowler cap forward before saying, “I only own a staple gun because my papers are typically too thick for average staplers to get through.” Atop her shoulders she wore volumes one and four of Marcel Proust’s “In Search of Lost Time,” the pages splaying out almost like wings.

A Hans Farley actually had a firearm, to the surprise of many. “I had a gun taped to the underside of my desk,” Farley said. “I think the beast would have supported that fundamental American right.” (We’d like to make it known that at this point in time, it is not obvious whether a Mr. Farley actually worked at UNC.) The undergraduates were sent to their rooms under strict curfew, unless they had tickets to the game, under which case it was fine. For hours the group waited, crouching beneath the shadow of what they like to call the Bigger Bell Tower. As the monster finally approached the threshold of the university’s campus, and the prepared Chapellers prepared to make their final stand as a university one in togetherness, the creature’s extension cord stretched just too far, its life prongs ripping out of a socket some 25 miles away. Popper came close enough to catch its last words: “But … what … about … The … Daily … Tar … Hell?”

You can ring my bell (tower) By Foxy Grandpa Official Mascot

What started as a peaceful and typical Board of Governors meeting spiraled into a passive-aggressive dogfight as representatives from NC State and UNC-Chapel Hill became locked in a series of “one-uppings” regarding the sizes of each school’s respective bell towers. The confrontation began when representatives from NC State unveiled their proposal for a 58-foot vertical addition to the iconic Memorial Belltower, making the structure one foot higher than UNC’s still sizeable Morehead-Patterson Bell Tower, even with its pointed dunce-cap tip. UNC representatives, visibly upset by the proposal, quickly drew up and released their own proposal, adding 2 feet to the Morehead-Patterson, thereby re-establishing UNC as having the biggest bell tower in the UNC System. Not to be outdone, NC State representatives doubled down, adding another 2 feet to the proposed addition. Representatives soon became locked in a quagmire of proposals, neither willing to give the other the coveted title of “Biggest Clock Tower in North Carolina.” The fighting and bickering concluded 10 hours later when NC State’s final proposal for a 3,527-foot bell tower, nearly 1,000 feet higher than the Burj Khalifa, passed by a slim majority. UNC, whose proposal for a

3,530-foot bell tower did not pass, was thereby forced to relinquish the title. However, the university still says it will go ahead with its plans to stretch the Morehead-Patterson Bell Tower to 3,525 feet. The bell tower will be under wraps while the enlargement is underway. UNC has said that there will be sweeping salary cuts to Tar Heel basketball and football players to pay for the new Bell Tower. However, this doesn’t amount to much, seeing as the players don’t actually get paid. At press time, members of the NC State Board of Governors had not finalized a way to pay for the new structure, but an ominous “For Sale” sign had appeared on the outside video board on the newly completed Talley Student Union. “These proposals have once again established North Carolina public universities as the national standard bearer [of really freakin’ big clock towers],” said UNC System President Delores Umbridge. “These new bell towers will serve as beacons of higher learning, extending light to the surrounding area, to outer space.” Terry Kitchen, a sophomore studying construction engineering at NC State, said she was excited to attend a school that could claim such a prestigious accomplishment, but expressed malcontent at University Dining’s recent cost-cutting measures to help pay for the tower. “Sometimes I get frustrated at paying upwards of $800 a semester for

DTHELL/ FAKIR NAMIE

Battle of the Bell Towers: One is so much better.

a meal plan only to be served ramen noodles and peanut butter sandwiches,” Kitchen said, “but when I see that towering monument to NC State’s superiority over UNC, I know it’s all worth it.” She continued, “I like to imagine it as a giant, 3,527-foot middle finger.”

WHAT IF DTH MADE A PAPER ABOUT DTH? MAN, THAT WOULD BE SO DTH. KANYE WEST, VISIONARY


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February 24, 2016 by NC State Student Media - Issuu