Abandon All Hope... ...Ye who take this quiz. (Or try to find paid work.) BY KEVIN O’TOOLE & NATHANIEL EDWARDS
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orthwestern’s seniors will make history in a few months when they become the first class in the University’s history to graduate after the apocalypse. That’s right, the Mayan calendar’s just about run its course, which— as we all know—means it’s time to commit as many sins as possible before everything ends. Wouldn’t you rather go out with a bang? So, fellow sinners, let us begin the laborious trudge of post-rapture life. Choose your favorite sin and find out where you’ll be after the saints go marchin’ in. Oh, and spoiler alert: You’ll probably end up in some version of hell no matter what you do.*
1
Sloth
What you did: So you skipped class to catch up on “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” and then sent out an email claiming you were sick and asking for notes? How’d that work out for ya? No really, how’d it work out because that sounds great. Your penance: The super-intelligent race of sloths that have enslaved humanity appreciate the cut of your jib and hand you a lucrative unpaid internship. You sleep through your first day of work and get a promotion.
2
Greed
What you did: You took the last 17 pieces from hot cookie bar. What’s that? It’s “for the table?” Go to hell. Your penance: You’ll be racking up lots of, uh, good résumé filler right out of college as an unpaid intern at Chuck E. Cheese’s corporate offices in scenic Irving, Texas. At least until they replace you with an animatronic coffee-fetching yes-man.
3
What you did: Your conceit as the assistant editor of somethingor-other truly knew no bounds as you threw around media buzzwords like “citizen journalism,” “predicate nominative” and “spell check” with no respect for human life or dignity. Your penance: Medill degree in hand, you successfully land your dream unpaid internship at Gawker Media ... writing for Jalopnik! #evilcackle #statefarm
Envy
What you did: You decided to follow @nbn_tweets and got real jealous of all their super cool, first place, A+ jokes and stories. Your penance: Finally, you’ve broken into the corporate system as the dedicated “Young Person Who Knows How To Tweet Or Whatever” for Yum! Brands! You may not be paid, but you’ve got major cred with Weird Twitter, so enjoy it while it lasts, @pizzahut.
4
5
Pride
6
Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain
Your penance: You earn an unpaid internship at the Grand ReOpening of Über Burger, now a genetics lab devoted to finding Nietzsche’s ideal burger.
What you did: Believed you’ll find employment. See, they say there are lies, damn lies and statistics. For instance, 100 percent of you reading this are going to find satisfying full-time employment upon graduation! Your penance: You’re the new unpaid marketing intern for Tito’s Eschaton Tacos. Unfortunately, your boss turned down your proposed tagline, “Eschatological Humours,” and went with, “Sometimes you gotta live más.”
9
Wrath
What you did: Someone said there was no way “Portlandia” was any good and you were all, “Yeah, way,” and that is too close to the Lord’s true name so, sorry, best of luck, next existence.
What you did/What Charlton Heston did: “You maniacs! You blew it up! God damn you! God damn you all to hell!” - proud Northwestern alum Charlton Heston at the peak of his career.
Your penance: You’re one of the chosen people in charge of rewinding the “Worst Atrocities in History” VHS every day at every depressing museum.
Your penance: When electricity no longer exists because of ... science(?) ... you are conscripted without pay into the service of a ruthless warlord. Maybe also because a government conspiracy and plane crash and/or mysterious aliens? Could we get Whitney Cummings for this? Or Cee Lo? o
Gluttony
What you did: Cheesie’s hath given and Cheesie’s hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Cheesie’s.
8
Bearing False Witness
7
Lust
What you did: Is that another sock on the door? We get it, my freshman roommate Bobbie McRoberts, you’re having a lot of sex.
illustrations: hilary fung
Your penance: You land a really great position as a Pimp’s Assistant! Haha, “Ass.” Wait, “position” is like a sex thing, too, right? Haha, wow, somebody could make a really great joke using that.
*And by "some version of hell," we obviously mean "unemployed." Psych!
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