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naps stories – 11 Sincere thanks to all those unknowns who wrote these articles and to those who forwarded to the rest of the mankind.

Compiled & Prepared by A.Narayana Prasad.,


Contents 01. No gym needed


02. Why are Indians easy to Identify


03. School -- 1957 vs. 2009


04. Complete & Finished


05. Letter



No gym needed Pumping dumbbells at the local gym might be a breeze, but if you're breathless while running up the stairs or give up within two laps of swimming, your body is only being partially exercised. All that bicep bulk isn't helping you perform any better. Maybe rolling back to the basics and exercising the body as a unit will help. It's called functional fitness, and it involves exercising a variety of muscles all at once while also focussing on your core. The exercises - all of which are activities that help your body deal well with real-life situations - can also be done using regular household objects. And the benefits are visible, people say. But don't take this to mean that functional fitness exercises are any easier. There's a scientific way of going about them, and the pressure needs to build periodically. Thanks to Internet -3-

"Take a conventional form of exercise such as running and squatting, and personalise it to your body's needs. Or build an entire workout around a daily activity," says fitness instructor Madhuri Ruia. "These are effective ways to stay functionally fit at home." Start by taking the stairs daily. Try not to use remote controls for everything. Even when returning home from the market, carry your own shopping bags, and while you're at it, keep your posture straight, walk briskly and divide the weight equally between the two hands. Alternately, sitting and casually bouncing on a Swiss ball while watching TV or reading a book helps the back muscles immensely. Elastic bands with varying levels of resistance, too, are just as helpful. Sarah Fernandes (29), a chartered accountant, makes use of the chairs in her house to do sit-ups. She also frequently rolls up her aerobic mat, holds it vertical and uses Thanks to Internet -4-

it to support herself while doing squats and other leg exercises which help her core. "Just make sure that your core is engaged with whatever you do, even if it's sweeping and swabbing. You will sense the tension when you're out of breath. But if your instinct says something's doesn't feel right, stop immediately," adds Ruia. Don't sit still; improvise Experts say that as you experiment, you'll discover new ways to exercise different muscle groups simultaneously. "There are three commonly known kinds of crunches - forward, backward and reverse besides what you might design for yourself. And then you can play with the way you climb the stairs, too - take two steps at a time, climb backwards, sprint, jog, step up and down," says Dr Mustafa Topiwala (27), a sports trainer and physiotherapist with Saifee Hospital. This is also true for the resistance bands that work out different muscle sets in your body. Homemaker Sheetal Kher (25), mother -5-

Thanks to Internet

of a six-month old, has taken to gardening with gusto. "Weeding the small garden in my compound and watering the saplings is so much more exhausting than I thought. I have to bend a lot, and it's helping my posture," she says. However, get some advice from a physiotherapist before embarking on your functional fitness regime. Get to know what kinds of functional fitness exercises will suit you best, and once you've got the hang of it, you can improvise. Set aside a fixed time slot and gradually increase the intensity. You'll know for sure that you're fit when you sense an inner strength in your core, and your muscles all hold up well under pressure. Eat healthy food - take in a lot of proteins, healthy fats and vegetables.

Thanks to Internet -6-

WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY 1. Everything you eat is savoured in garlic, onions and tomatoes. 2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil. 3. You are always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.. 4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party and think it's normal. 5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp. 6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts. 7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini..) 8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere, close to their real names... 9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says 'No Food Allowed.'

Thanks to Internet -7-

10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house. 11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible. 12. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch. 13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other 'Uncles and Aunties' will think. 14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as it is for special occasions, which never happen. 15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table. 16. You use grocery bags to hold garbage. 17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible. 18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff)

Thanks to Internet -8-

19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes) 20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker. 21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill. 22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way). 23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking. 24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue. 25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are travelling by bus, train or plane. 26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light. 27. You only after 11pm





28. (this is Best One) If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it’s midnight.

Thanks to Internet -9-

29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty. 30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin. 31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls. 32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty. 33. Its embarrassing if you're wedding has less than 600 people. 34. All your Tupperware is stained with food colour. 35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.. 36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.

DO YOU STILL LOVE TO BE AN INDIAN? Thanks to Internet - 10 -

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009 Scenario: 01 Jack goes rabbit shooting before school pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns. 2009 School goes into lock down, Tactical Response called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: 02 Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2009 - Police called arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board holds meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.

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Thanks to Internet

Scenario: 03 Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario : 04 Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to University and becomes a successful businessman. 2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Thanks to Internet - 12 -

Scenario : 05 Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. 2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario : 06 Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to Uni. 2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Thanks to Internet - 13 -

Scenario : 07 Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Cracker night, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bull ant nest.

1957 - Ants die. 2009- Tactical Response, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Federal Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario : 08 Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Thanks to Internet - 14 -


People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. But there is a difference.

When you marry the right one you are COMPLETE. & When you marry the wrong one you are FINISHED! Thanks to Internet - 15 -

Letter An actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

Thanks to Internet

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My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging pre-recorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. Thanks to Internet - 17 -

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

Thanks to Internet

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7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client (We should also write letters like this to our bankers)

Thanks to Internet

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