COVER STORY
The agony of farewell – moving beyond grief When the love of his life died a year ago, RUSSELL HUNTER quickly learnt that there are no rules for grief, and certainly no prescribed end date. He investigates the grieving process and varying responses to bereavement.
T
he formalities are done. The neighbours are no longer hovering around the doorstep every minute of every day and the kids have gone – as they should – to resume their own lives. That was when it dawned on me, finally and irrevocably, that I was the only person in this house – a house packed with memories and no one to remember them with. There’s a gaping hole in my life that can’ be filled. It’s a crushing moment in anybody’s experience – that instant when the cold finality of death enters our very being and alters us – probably permanently. At least that was my experience. Others who have been through the
trauma of losing a loved one keep telling me all too frequently that I’ll mend in time. Yes, time is the common denominator in all my conversions of late. Time will heal you, I’m told. All it needs is, well, time to work. Maybe. I’ve now sold the house. It was haunted by those very memories that could no longer – after four decades – be shared. The incredibly supportive social worker attached to the palliative care unit where my partner died gave me a name and the number of a person who could help me. But grief is such a personal thing, isn’t
it? It was (and is) somehow my grief and mine alone. I couldn’t begin to share it. That would almost amount to betrayal. My conversation with Laura Panarello was a mind-opener. “Of course grief is highly personal,” said the Brisbane-based counsellor who works with Co.As.It Community Services. “And everybody’s grief is different.” There are no rules for grief, no timeline and certainly no deadline. It takes as long as it takes. There’s that time element again. But, essentially, there’s no “cure” for grief. And yet it’s a cataclysmic event that almost half of us are going to have to deal with, yet there is little understanding – or even recognition – of grief. “Quite often people just don’t know what’s going on,” Ms Panarello says. “They hear the word ‘grief’ and begin to learn to understand what it is. Finally, they might say ‘OK. Now I know’. “And ageism is alive and well. Australia still doesn’t understand the problems as well as they do in, say, Europe. We’re still a young country. The early migrants – and even more recent ones – didn’t see the old folks age. They left them behind in the old country.” As a result, the traditions of care and respect for the ageing have been eroded. Elizabeth “Liddy” Drane is no stranger to the grieving process. Having lost her husband of almost four decades in 2012 and her twin brother last year, she knows her way around grief. The death of her husband – he was killed in a road accident – left her with a feeling of devastation tinged with anger. “It was a silly combination that led to
Dave’s death,” she recalls. “But I was immediately surrounded by friends and family who were incredibly supportive. “The hospital offered support, but I didn’t feel I needed it. I don’t bottle things up, but my thinking was more like ‘what can a stranger really do for me?’ I soon discovered that you don’t suddenly stop grieving. Time helps, of course, and you start to remember the good times you shared together.” Friends and family were important for her at that time and since. “Family is vital,” she says. “Strangers less so. “I learnt that if you’re positive, people react well. Don’t moan to people outside the family. It really turns them off.” People sometimes don’t know how to deal with her grief, “but if people see that you’re trying to get on with it, they’ll support you, they’ll react positively,” Liddy says. The couple didn’t have children, but nephews and nieces keep in touch – and she’s still invited to dinner parties. “If there was any awkwardness about me being single, it’s gone,” she says. Much-loved Your Time writer Julie Lake is also no stranger to the grieving process. Having lost her husband and her son within the past year she’s still devising ways of processing the tragic experiences. “The first thing I learned is that the two losses are very different,” she says. “When we lost our son it was the most appalling shock. We were stunned by it, almost broken by it, but we were able to support each other through the first, worst days.
Self funded retirees can save thousands of dollars simply by getting a second opinion on hearing aids Some foreign owned hearing aid shops will try to get you to pay huge amounts for technology you may not need. It is very important to get a second opinion from a local and independent Hearing Rehabilitation clinic like Hear4Good. Do not make a rash decision without getting independent advice. We are the best friend a self funded retiree can have! www.hear4good.com.au
Hear4Good Clinics
New Clinic Now Open!
5/56 Landsborough Parade, Golden Beach
Ochre Medical Centre, Suite 3 20 Kalinga St, Caloundra
4 YOUR TIME MAGAZINE / June 2021
04.indd 2
Ph: (07) 5477 0144 44 Sunshine Coast
3/06/2021 10:03:11 AM
