Mutuality 26.2 | Summer 2019

Summer 2019

Men and women serving and leading as equals

Single. Dating.

Female. Pastor: 5 Things I Want the Church to Know page 8

What If Singleness Isn’t Failure? page 12

It’s Time for a Sexual Ethic Jesus Might Have Actually Preached page 24

CONTENTS 4 8 12 16 20 24

Welcome to the Jungle: The Dating Adventures of a Fifty-Something Egalitarian A baby boomer shares about dating while staying true to her values.

by Cindy J. Hurd

Single. Dating. Female. Pastor: 5 Things I Want the Church to Know

A woman pastor reflects on the challenges of singleness and dating.

by Alicia McClintic

What If Singleness Isn’t Failure?

D E PA R T M E N T S 3 From the Editor Smart Women and Fragile Men

7 Praise and Prayer 27 Reflect with Us Love Poem from Joseph

28 Ministry News 29 Giving Opportunities 30 President’s Message Debunking Eros

A single believer questions how the church defines success and happiness.

by Krysti Wilkinson

Lessons from Eliezer: What an Old Testament Matchmaker Has to Say About Egalitarian Dating How Scripture can equip us for today’s dating world.

by Kay Bonikowky

ED ITO R IAL STAF F Editor: Tim Krueger/Rachel Asproth Graphic Designer: Mary Quint Publisher/President: Mimi Haddad

A Tale of Two Rapes: What Tamar and Bathsheba Teach Us About Power, Consent, and Sexual Violence We classify Tamar as a rape victim, but not Bathsheba. Why?

by Erin Moniz

It’s Time for a Sexual Ethic Jesus Might Have Actually Preached

Why consent is a more robust sexual ethic than purity culture.

by Lyndsey Medford

Mutuality is published quarterly by CBE International, 122 W Franklin Ave, Suite 218; Minneapolis, MN 55404-2451.

We welcome your comments, article submissions, and advertisements. Visit cbe.today/mutuality.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the 2011 revision of the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Advertising in Mutuality does not imply organizational endorsement. Please note that neither CBE International, nor the editor, nor the editorial team is responsible or legally liable for any content or any statements made by any author, but the legal responsibility is solely that author’s once an article appears in Mutuality.

CBE grants permission for any original article (not a reprint) to be photocopied for local use provided no more than 1,000 copies are made, they are distributed free, the author is acknowledged, and CBE is recognized as the source.

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Mutuality vol. 26, no. 2, Summer 2019 Cover design by Mary Quint Mutuality (ISSN: 1533-2470) exists to make egalitarian theology accessible to the non-scholar and to explore its intersection with everyday life.

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From the Editor

by Tim Krueger

Smart Women and Fragile Men: How Patriarchy Shapes Identity and Romance Do men want to date smart women? This was the question behind a 2015 study published by the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.1 What the study learned is that men like the idea of dating women who are smarter than them, but when they meet an actual woman who fits the profile, they suddenly become much less interested.

For centuries, Christians have taught that men are superior to women, and these teachings have contributed to the cultural values that shape American society. Much has changed, but many of the ideas that uphold supposed male superiority persist. For instance, popular wisdom holds that men make better, more rational decisions. Evidence shows otherwise.4

Why? According to one of the researchers, “when men were outperformed by a woman in a domain that they cared about—intelligence— they felt threatened, assessed by diminished self-ratings of masculinity, which then led them to act in a way counter to what their expressed ideal preferences were.”2 In other words, they felt like less of a man in the presence of a smarter woman.

Patriarchy is intertwined with masculine identity, too. Boys learn that to throw like a girl is humiliating and that being “disrespected” (made uncomfortable or embarrassed) by a woman is degrading. Boys are told that women are equal but shown that manhood requires them to be better than women at things like reason, intelligence, athleticism, leadership, income, and physical and emotional strength.

Reading this, one is reminded of a controversial To the extent that patriarchy defines one’s interview in which Baptist leader John Piper masculinity, equality will be emasculating. suggested that it was okay for a man to read This is the reality revealed by the dating a commentary by a woman or obey laws and study. Sadly, this is the kind of masculinity structures created by women, but it was not promoted by many Christians. okay for him to learn from her in person.

Learning at a distance, he says, does not When it comes to navigating romantic involve gender (because a man can ignore the relationships, patriarchal patterns appear fact that the writer is female), but he cannot at every turn. The good news is it doesn’t ignore her gender in person. As a result, have to be this way. Egalitarians the world learning from a woman in person demeans a over are setting aside patriarchal norms, doing the work of identity re-formation, man’s manhood.3 modeling romantic relationships that better To some Christians, the 2015 study on dating reflect Scripture’s ideal, and challenging the confirms Piper’s views. I would suggest that idolization of marriage in some circles. In this what we are seeing is evidence of patriarchy issue, our authors invite you on that journey in American culture—Christian and secular. with them.

A Farewell…

This will be my last issue as editor of Mutuality, as the next step in my career will take me away from CBE. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to have served in this role. I have been challenged, humbled, and inspired by the authors and readers I have worked with over the last six years. I hope and pray that you have been as well.

I am thrilled to share that Rachel Asproth, CBE’s awardwinning blog editor, will be taking the reins. If you have seen her work, you know that her skills in writing and editing dwarf my own. I am confident that under her leadership, the best is yet to come.

In Christ, Tim Krueger

1. Lora E. Park, Ariana F. Young, and Paul W. Eastwick, “(Psychological) Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder: Effects of Psychological Distance and Relative Intelligence on Men’s Attraction to Women,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, August 2015, https://journals.sagepub.com/ doi/10.1177/0146167215599749.

2. Jenna Birch, “Do Men Want to Date Intelligent Women?” Psychology Today, Feb. 2018, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/navigating-the-lovegap/201802/do-men-want-date-intelligent-women.

3. Interview with John Piper, “Do You Use Bible Commentaries Written by Women?” DesiringGod, March 2013, https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/ do-you-use-bible-commentaries-written-by-women.

4. Kathy Caprino, “How Decision-Making Is Different Between Men and Women and Why It Matters in Business,” Forbes, May 2016, https://www.forbes.com/ sites/kathycaprino/2016/05/12/how-decision-making-is-different-between-men-and-women-and-why-it-matters-in-business/#423bbeb94dcd.

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M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 3

Welcome to the Jungle: The Dating Adventures of a Fifty-Something Egalitarian

by Cindy J. Hurd After surviving a tumultuous divorce, I found myself in my fifties, newly single and surveying an unknown dating landscape.

After embracing an egalitarian viewpoint in the 80s when I attended a church pastored

by Bishop LaDonna Osborne, I knew I was looking for an equal partner. The mission— if I chose to accept it—was to find a man who shared my belief in co-leadership and mutual submission.

I soon learned that finding an egalitarian man is a daunting task.

I was also out of practice at dating, having been married for twenty plus years. I read a number of books on everything from how to catch the right guy, to how often to text, to who should chase whom, to safety issues when online dating, to topics to discuss or avoid on dates. Eventually I decided that I could sit at home in my hut and read books, or I could swing headfirst into the dating jungle. In the four years since, I have walked a mile in many different shoes: high heels for dinner downtown, hiking boots for the Appalachian Trail, water shoes for kayaking the Potomac, athletic shoes for biking the Chesapeake and Ohio Canal, sandals for antiquing, and flip flops for the local swimming pool. Along the way, I have at times felt ambiguous—not even certain I want to find another partner. Yet, the alternative of being alone for the rest of my life does not seem inviting either.

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I faithfully go to church but feel out place sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. People are kind and sympathetic toward my uninvited singleness. Still, church culture generally leans toward married couples. Attendance can amplify my loneliness, especially when I watch couples leave for lunch together afterwards. It is a painful reminder that I’m no longer part of a twosome. Those who have experienced a divorce themselves are the most sympathetic, frequently inviting me to dinner on holidays when I can’t get home to family.

As for potential dates at church, there’s only a small pool of fellows available. I’ve also observed that some men in my age range seem to be looking for a woman ten or more years younger. Oddly, I’m dubbed—by some—too old to date a man I might have attended kindergarten with. The analytical and cynical part of my brain wonders if part of the reason some men seek younger spouses is so they can sling them in the face of the wives they mistreated and then discarded—after those wives have paid the physical price of birthing and raising men’s children. And, older women who date are often judged harshly for their appearance (wrinkles, grey hair, etc.) and pressured to compete with younger women. Studies show that in the world of online dating, women peak at eighteen years old whereas men peak at fifty.1 Not all men are like this, of course, but old wounds sometimes overwhelm a positive dating outlook. website :

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I faithfully go to church, but feel out place sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong. People are kind and sympathetic toward my uninvited singleness. Still, the culture of church generally leans towards married couples. Attendance can amplify my feelings of loneliness.

As it turns out, trying to meet “the one” during the course of everyday life is an old-fashioned idea, from the B.C. (Before Cellular) era. It took a year for me to work up the courage to try online dating. A friend, more technically savvy than I, helped create my profile on a Christian dating site. There were things to learn—like how to screen out one-picture scammers, people who chat with hundreds of women daily and make romantic gestures and promises while hoping for the chance to steal their money. After learning the ropes, I have relaxed a bit and started to initiate more chats.

Clearing away our plates, the waiter sets the check presentation folder down; we both take a look. I offer to pay my half, but Dave insists on paying it all, since he asked me out. Seeing him clutching the check close to his purple buttondown shirt, I pause—not wanting to make a scene—and then concede. But

on my next date with Dave I say, “Hey you paid last time. I will pick up the tab this time. After all, I work just like you do.” He argues a bit, but graciously accepts.

Then Dave leans towards me and in a whisper says that no woman has

This is a welcome relief to *Brad (name changed), who admits that he is tired of doing all the chasing and dealing with rejection. “It is nice when a woman takes the risk,” he tells me. Consequently, making the first move means I have to face the possibility of rejection head on. This hurts more or less, depending on how much time or emotion I have invested in sending a message. The rebuff is typically communicated by either no response at all (ghosting) or via text. “I don’t think we are a match,” Brad says. I swipe onward.

When a connection is made online, we typically text, talk on the phone, and then schedule a date. The first meeting reminds me of a job interview. The worst—and most uncertain—moment is when the check is brought to the table.

This is where equality meets chivalry.

My date with *Dave comes to mind.

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M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 5

ever offered to buy him dinner. “It’s refreshing,” he sighs.

“It seems only fair,” I respond with a reassuring smile. And all is well with the world until suddenly, in the back of my head, the voices of my parents whisper: “A gentleman always pays. What if he takes you to the cleaners? What kind of man is he?”

“It was just dinner,” I answer, trying to push away their imaginary scowls.

In these moments, my old-fashioned upbringing collides uncomfortably with my egalitarian views. I wonder if I am dating the right way, if perhaps I should budge on my egalitarian values, just a bit. I ultimately do not.

Frequently, I ask the men I date about why they mark “Christian” under “religion” in their dating profiles. This question is often met with answers like “Huh, what? Oh that. My parents went to church,” or shocked looks and then, “I went to church when I was a kid. You mean you still go?” I nod and say, “Yes, quite often.”

They are momentarily speechless but then they ask: “So you are religious?”

“No, I have a relationship with Jesus. It’s not a set of religious rules.”

They usually look even more bewildered.

I try to explain a bit more, then decide to change the subject. Some dates are totally on board with the equality piece, but they aren’t interested in sharing faith. I want both.

I have dated other guys who, though they seem truly dedicated to the Lord, are convinced that “God made man to be the ‘head,’ and women to submit.”

My attempts at theological conversation about the duty of all Christians to submit to God and one another, a collaborative strength-based approach to marriage, or the much-debated Greek meaning of the word “head” are typically met with stunned, confused looks. When I gently indicate that no, the marital guidelines in Ephesians don’t start with verse 22

and flip out my Bible app to explain the connection between verses 21 and 22—it has typically been the first and last date.

Thomas, a Christian man whose wife passed away, informs me that his faith gets in the way of dating. I can guess what is coming, but I ask why anyway. He states that his church doctrine only permits him to marry someone if they are: 1. single-never married 2. widowed 3. divorced because their spouse cheated.

I inquire: “If a woman is single but has been sexually intimate with five live-in partners without a legal paper trail, would she still fall under your category of single-never married? What if a woman is widowed but killed her husband? Does that count? And does the woman need to prove that her husband cheated before you will accept a date?” He responds, “I never thought about it that way.” I laugh, shake my head and say: “Welcome to the jungle.”

I press him, sensing what is coming: “What if a woman is married to a Christian man who is emotionally abusive? What if she prays, reads, self-

In these moments, my old fashioned upbringing collides uncomfortably with my egalitarian views. I wonder if I am dating the right way, if perhaps I should budge on my egalitarian values, just a bit. I ultimately do not.

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reflects, works toward personal growth, and seeks counsel, and still nothing changes? What if she can’t meet his impossible standards? What if one morning, after a night of listening to his raging threats to divorce her, God whispers to the woman: ‘It’s time to let go.’ And so she does, reluctantly.“ The woman is me.

Thomas recounts how as a young boy he lay terrified in his bed on several occasions, listening to his father verbally and physically batter his mother. During one incident, he was present when his father threw his mother across the kitchen. She crashed into a cabinet, screaming and crying. He says, “It was awful and to this day it breaks my heart to hear a woman cry.”

I ask if, after witnessing his own mother be victimized, he would ever consider marrying a woman who had left an abusive situation. He pauses, then answers: “No, I don’t think I could.”

I look at him intently for a moment. “Clearly, I do not meet with your criteria for a long-term relationship. It was nice to meet you, and good luck with your search,” I reply. Then, I smile, hug this Christian brother goodbye, and walk off into the sunset after yet another disappointing interview. I mean, date.

It is crucial that we women who don’t fit into the church’s too-neat “happily ever after” narrative share our stories. Because God sees our struggles and the church should too.

Being single in your fifties when you have been and want to be married is not easy. Dating after a divorce is not easy.

Finding an egalitarian man is not easy. It is a long road with many bumps and hurdles along the way. But it is crucial that we women who don’t fit into the church’s too-neat “happily ever after” narrative share our stories. Because God sees our struggles and the church should too.

Cindy J. Hurd (LCSW-C) is a mental health therapist and family violence advocate for the military population, residing in Maryland. She has received specialized training in child and partner abuse dynamics and treatment throughout her career. Prior to being a therapist, she was a minister/pastor with Foursquare Gospel International.

1. Maya Salam, “For Online Daters, Women Peak at 18 While Men Peak at 50, Study Finds. Oy.,” The New York Times, August 2018, https://www. nytimes.com/2018/08/15/style/dating-apps-online-men-women-age.html.

Praise

Prayer

• CBE’s communications manager, Tim Krueger, has completed his time with CBE. We celebrate Tim’s accomplishments and ask for God’s blessing as he pursues new opportunities.

• CBE received 35 applications for the Alvera Mickelsen Memorial Scholarship for women pursuing ministry!

• CBE recieved three Evangelical Press Awards! CBE’s president, Mimi Haddad, was recognized with a win in “Editorial.”

• Our 2019 conference in Houston is coming up! Pray that God will inspire many to join this movement.

Pray for our speakers, staff, and president as they work hard to make this our best conference yet!

• Pray for Mimi Haddad, who will present two workshops in coming months: 1)“Women in Leadership: A Biblical Rationale” at CBE’s conference and 2) “Arab Women Dismantle Power and Patriarchy Jesus-Style” at Liberating Evangelicalism.

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M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 7

Single. Dating.

Female. Pastor: 5 Things I Want the Church to Know

by Alicia McClintic Recently, I was invited to participate in a panel on singleness at a Christian conference. I shared my experience as a single woman pastor and how single clergy can feel isolated in a church culture where marriage is the default. It was the first time since university that I had an honest, direct, public conversation about singleness in the church. We hear countless sermons about marriage, but singleness is not often addressed publicly in Christian communities. When I do talk about my experiences as a single woman, I usually talk among my friends, not in my church. Sharing my personal experiences on that panel was one of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever done, but I thought, “At least we’re finally talking about this.” Since then, I’ve been thinking about what I want the broader church community to understand about life as a single female pastor and how we can be a better community for single believers, especially single clergy.

1. Single pastors (especially women) often feel invisible.

Let’s find ways to be more

inclusive of the stories and experiences of single folks in ministry.

At a recent seminar I attended on pastoral health and wellness, speakers highlighted statistics showing the impact of ministry stress on married pastors and their spouses and children. But what about single pastors who hold this stress alone?

Where are we in these statistics? Women pastors are already underrepresented in most studies on clergy. Data on single women pastors is virtually non-existent.

But how can we hope to care for single pastors if our stories aren’t being told or represented in the church’s narrative?

During my annual ministerial licensing interview last year, a chair sat empty beside me—reserved for a ministerial candidate’s spouse. I joked, “Maybe next time I’ll bring a cardboard cutout or an emotional support animal or some other spousal standin.” Thankfully, this year’s interview was significantly more welcoming. But even so, every page of the re-application form still had a question about my (nonexistent) spouse, like this one: “What is your moral

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responsibility to your spouse and children as a model to your congregation?” I tried to interpret it as best I could for my own situation, sharing how I hope my personal life as a single woman pastor models Christian character to my congregation. I didn’t leave that question blank, because I still want to show up to be vetted and affirmed and sent out by my church community. I also want to be judged as the minister I actually am. I care deeply about the ordination process within my denomination. I’m grateful for and

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respect it. But in submitting to the process, I have encountered some hurtful assumptions about what “the ideal pastor” looks like.

The good news is that my district leadership has adopted a posture of listening, and they’re working to acknowledge and welcome single pastors. At our annual pastors/spouses retreat this year, single pastors are invited to bring a friend who’s been supportive of their call to ministry. Gestures like this give me hope that the church will begin to offer meaningful hospitality to single clergy.

2. People often treat single pastors as if they either hate being single or love it. It’s not that simple. Let’s make it a priority to befriend single clergy and let them tell us about it.

Sure, being single in a married world is difficult at times. This is especially true for many single women in the church, who feel added societal pressure to marry and “settle

down.” But it can also be great to be single in a married world. Do not assume you know how single folks feel or what they need to hear about their singleness. Start by being friends with them, by sharing your life with them and vice versa. Until you’ve done that, don’t ask them potentially hurtful questions about their singleness or offer advice for how they should approach dating. Be especially aware of making single women feel like it’s their fault that they’re single and they would be married if only they would [insert unsolicited advice].

And, when single folks choose to share with you, affirm their feelings. If they tell you that they are lonely, mourn with them.

If they tell you that they are loving their independence, celebrate with them. Do not overwrite single people’s experiences with your own expectations and stereotypes.

For as long as I’ve been in ministry, I’ve heard some version of “I’m praying for your future husband!” or “it’ll happen when it happens!” These folks mean well, but their unspoken assumption seems to be that single equals bad and thirtyish equals bad, and so they suppose that being

single and thirtyish must be the worst kind of misery. Here is the thing: I am not miserable. I have a full and fulfilling life—a community of deep friendships, compelling work that I care about, and significant dreams and goals I am moving toward. I would love to share this full and fulfilling life with a spouse, but I am not pining away for something I do not have.

I do not mind if you pray for my husband, but you could also ask if I want to be introduced to the single, Jesus-loving guys you know.

I encourage Christians not to say things like “it’ll happen when it happens” to single folks in the church. It is a well-meaning sentiment, but it sounds like you are saying my life won’t start until I am married. I might never get married. Not because I do not want to be married, but because someone might not want to marry me. I might never meet and fall in love with someone willing and able to integrate their life with my life as a local church pastor. At thirtyish years old, I am making long-range plans without a life partner beside me, and that may not

When single folks choose to share with you, affirm their feelings. If they tell you that they are lonely, mourn with them. If they tell you that they are loving their independence, celebrate with them.

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M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 9

change anytime soon. I happen to be single right now, and I am doing my best to be faithful to what God is calling me to now. Sure, I want to be married, but I am not waiting around for marriage to start my life. As my faith community, can you help me hold this tension?

3. Single pastors like to date too—just like other single people. Let’s normalize dating for single clergy.

Once, I was out with some young women from church to celebrate a friend’s engagement, and a guy came over to our group and asked me dance. Jokingly, one of my friends blurted out: “You can’t do that! She’s a pastor!” He backed away slowly; our group went back to our conversation, but I could not shake my unease with her joke. Can’t do what?

Dance with me? Flirt with me? Are single pastors supposed to stay single forever and never date? That would be unfortunate, and for the record, it is totally false.

While on the job, some boundaries are important to ensure safety and respect for everyone. However, it is good and healthy (and wholly appropriate) for pastors to have romantic lives.

Sometimes, people operate as if my spirituality and intellect are an impediment to dating. Someone once said: “I feel like I’d be dating Jesus’ little sister. I’m likely to be smite any moment I do something dumb. It’s a lot of pressure!”

Another time a friend and colleague said: “Think about it. You’re not just reading Bonhoeffer easily; you’re teaching Bonhoeffer. I imagine any of the guys who might be interested would feel super intimidated, like they wouldn’t know what to say to you.” This is not an unusual phenomenon: intelligent, curious women and women in leadership positions such as pastor are often penalized in the dating world for their successes. They are made to feel like their God-given gifts are a liability when it comes to finding a spouse because men will feel threatened.

A female friend and fellow pastor recently asked me: “I wonder how many times someone we know has told someone about us, saying ‘she’s a pastor, she’s really smart, but she’s great,’ as if those things somehow conflict? If our pals are not scared to tell their single guy friends how pretty or cool we are, why do they avoid sharing our other good qualities—like being smart or spiritual?” What if my friends were quicker to say how proud they are to have a single pastor friend with a deep spiritual life and a curious mind? What if we treated those traits as intriguing— not intimidating—to potential dates?

4. Single pastors may receive invites to Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings, but often not to New Year’s Eve parties or similar events. Let’s find ways to comfortably include single clergy in all areas of life.

Everyone seems to want to host the pastor at a cozy family Thanksgiving dinner, but no one wants to see the pastor in a sparkly cocktail dress and bright lipstick at a swanky New Year’s

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Everyone seems to want to host the pastor at a cozy family Thanksgiving dinner, but no one wants to see the pastor in a sparkly cocktail dress and bright lipstick at a swanky New Year’s Eve shindig.

Eve shindig. Pastors are exuberantly invited to officiate a wedding or witness the ceremony, but there is discomfort if the clergy stay too long to dance at the party—as if it is somehow inappropriate for them to enjoy themselves, especially if they are unmarried and female. There are a lot of unwritten rules governing the conduct of single women, and how they can and cannot have fun. It is not uncommon for single women, particularly single women in visible positions of authority, to receive extra censure for what they wear, how they dance, how much makeup they have

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There are a lot of unwritten rules governing the conduct of single women, and how we can and cannot have fun. It is not uncommon for single women, particularly single women in visible positions of authority, to receive extra censure for what they wear, how they dance, how much makeup they have on, how late they stay at a party, and generally how they choose to spend their free time. on, how late they stay at a party, and generally how they choose to spend their free time.

I have noticed that many single folks are asked to babysit when their married friends go out. This is particularly true for single women who are expected to be naturally nurturing and maternal. I love that my flexible schedule allows me to spend time with my friends’ kids while they take time alone. This is a gift I’m able to give to friends who are parents, and I joyfully give it. But what if, instead of always asking a single friend to babysit while you go out, you invited them to join you for dinner? What if you invited them to join your family for the day’s

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adventure? What if you made sure to save a seat for your single friend at the church potluck so they are not scanning the crowd for an open spot? Nobody wants to make their single friends uncomfortable by inviting them to hang out with only couples or to be the lone single or childless tag-along among families. And single folks do not want to feel like they are intruding on these moments either. But most of them love hanging out with their couple friends and their families. What if you just invited them to share your life, to join in what you are already doing?

5. A single pastor will almost always have to turn down weekend invitations. Let’s find times to hang out that work with clergy people’s unusual schedule.

If I am turning you down on Saturday night, it is not because I do not want to go out. Sundays are the busiest and earliest days in my weekly schedule. “I have to wash my hair” sounds like an excuse, but it is not. On Saturdays, I wash my hair, drink tea with honey to strengthen my voice, make adjustments to the service order, review my sermon notes, and otherwise prepare for a full workday on Sunday. But worse than turning down Saturday night hangs is turning down Sunday brunch. I cannot convey how much I love brunch, and how devastating it is that I am always working during prime brunch hours. But who says brunch has to be a Sunday thing? Why not some mid-week avocado toast? I bet brunch is just as fun on Wednesday. Let’s try it and see.

acknowledge their unique struggles and joys and also strive to see beyond the labels of “single” and “pastor.” Reach out to your single friends in ministry and ask them to share their stories: “what has your experience been as a single pastor?” or “have you ever felt isolated in the church because of your singleness?” or “have you been treated differently as a leader because of either your femaleness or your singleness, or both?” or “how can we better minister to, listen to, and support single believers and clergy?” or even just “would you like to come over for dinner?” If the church can begin to meet single people where they are—in their grief and their celebration, their struggles and their joy, their self-sufficiency and their moments of uncertainty—we will be well on our way to becoming the hospitable community I know we can be.

Alicia McClintic is the lead pastor of Hayward Church of the Nazarene, a multi-cultural, multicongregational church in the Bay Area. She shares thoughts about life and faith on her blog www.aliciamcclintic.com.

I hope the church can create space for the stories and experiences of single clergy, especially women church leaders who are single and/or dating. We need to both

M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 11

What If Singleness Isn’t Failure?

Krysti Wilkinson

It’s hard when every break up feels like a failure.

That is what no one tells you about being single in the church. We are asked about our loneliness, as singles. We discuss how to not make marriage an idol, and we chat about healthy boundaries in dating. We know a relationship does not magically solve everything (but we secretly still think it does) and we realize marriage is Hard Work. But no one tells you that every failed relationship feels like a personal failure.

In theory, it should be so easy: Two Christians meet each other. Two Christians go on a date.

Two Christians like each other. Isn’t that story supposed to end in marriage? Isn’t that story supposed to have a happily ever after? Everyone else’s seems to.

No one says the word “failure” out loud, of course.

No one would dare. But when marriage is the ideal that everyone is working toward, anything that falls short feels like you did something wrong.

You were on the path, headed in the direction everyone has been pointing you toward. They

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are cheering you on, because you did it! But somehow—did you take a wrong left turn?—you are no longer on the path. You followed all the rules but you still got kicked off the road that everyone else seems to be handling just fine.

It does not matter how far along the path you got—two dates, two months, two years—you were still on the path. Then all of the sudden, you veered off. All of the sudden you… failed.

Even when you break up for good reasons. Even when the break up was needed. Even when those around you agree with the decision and affirm your choices and know, at the end of the day, it was the right thing. Even then, there is a sense of failure. You were maybe, just maybe, headed toward normalcy. A relationship! Marriage!

You were so close! But you just could not keep on the path.

I do not ascribe to the concept of soulmates. I do not think God has a magical blueprint for my life. I am not worried about “the one who got away.” I also do not think that there is something inherently wrong with me which has caused my singleness, while all my married friends are perfect and fault-free. And yet, while I know all

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these things to be true—it is still so hard to shake that feeling of inadequacy when a relationship ends.

If nothing is wrong with me, why can’t I get it right? Why can’t I figure it out? Why do my solutions always fizzle, but others have figured out the magical answer?

When we are all working toward the end goal of marriage, any other end to the story feels like a defeat. Like you were tied in the bottom of the ninth and everything was looking promising, but somehow, you found yourself shaking hands afterwards to an embarrassing loss. Good game. Good game. Good try. We’ll get ‘em next time. Maybe. Maybe?

We need to stop evaluating the success of our lives through the lens of marriage.

Sometimes, relationships end. Sometimes, two people are not good for each other, no matter how great they both are as individuals. Sometimes, there is a different story in store for you.

Instead of seeing the end of a relationship as a sign of failure, we should see it as a sign of health. When two people come together, there is a lot of room for error. If break ups are learning experiences and not errors, we become open to new lessons. And growth. And surprises. Let’s stop assuming we know the ideal end of the story, and start allowing people the freedom to write their own.

In reality, getting married is not an accomplishment. It is exciting, to be sure.

Marriage is a good thing, when done right.

But it is not a trophy to be won or a prize

to earned or a badge of honor only given to those who followed all the rules.

In terms of success, marriage is a lateral move, as I have been reminding myself lately. We make it seem like the ultimate, the pinnacle, the gold ribbon we are all fighting for. Yet marriage is not a sign of success, just as singleness is not a sign of failure.

I do not think we try to put marriage on a pedestal, but the fact is: we worship the status quo. We strive for normalcy, to be average, to fit in with everyone else.

When all we see are relationships that end with white weddings, it is natural to assume that we have messed up when ours does not.

But what if we broaden our view of success?

Maybe success looks like…

Creating a counterculture where vulnerable, transformational relationships exist outside of marriage.

Many idolize marriage because it tends to be the most culturally acceptable way to find committed companionship. Especially for men raised to hide their emotions, romantic relationships are sometimes the only space in which they are allowed to

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express their feelings. But what if we realized that intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional connection happen in purely platonic relationships too?

Community is not a replacement for marriage—but it is beautiful, rich, and life-giving, and something we should more often invest in.

A theology which emphasizes our highest call to serve God according to our gifts, regardless of gender.

We have failed in swallowing the lie that women were created to marry and bear children. That men were created to lead, protect, and provide for a family. We were made for something greater. We need to build a Christian culture that looks like the early church, where devotion to God was the ideal and marriage was secondary to that highest calling.

Discovering the person God created you to be.

I have noticed recently that each break up makes me more me. Each ending pushes me closer and closer to my truest self. Each relationship that doesn’t work out helps me pull off a layer, shed an additional cover, get closer to the source. Maybe it is beauty rising from the ashes, maybe it is growth through pain—or maybe it is exactly what was supposed to happen. Maybe relationships that end are not failures; they are perfect successes. Maybe I needed to learn that thing about myself, needed that exact push in that exact season.

There are lessons I could only have learned from a particular heartbreak. There are seasons I would have never entered into without a break up to push me there. There are parts of myself I would have never uncovered if the end of a relationship had not brought about that knowledge.

Break ups, although still not enjoyable, guide us forward. They are not endings to be ashamed of. They are simply parts of our journeys. There are no wrong turns, just tangents; no wasted time, just detours; no failures, just new lessons. I am grateful for each ending. I am learning to see each break up as its own success.

Break ups are not always easy, but they are not failures. Singleness is not a sign we did something wrong. The Christian life is so much bigger and so much richer than marriage and each of us is much more than our romantic journeys. Our only failure comes in missing out on this truth.

Krysti Wilkinson eats too much ice cream and reads too many books. She likes to laugh at ban puns, talk about Jesus, and write down her thoughts. You can find more of her work at www.krystiwilkinson.com.

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CREATED TO THRIVE MUTUALITY, POWER, AND IDENTITY Join CBE International in Houston, Texas, August 2–4, 2019 for our 2019 conference, “Created to Thrive!”

Connect with egalitarian leaders. Learn from experts. Advocate in your community.

KEYNOTE SPEAKERS

Shane Claiborne Havilah Dharamraj Lisa Sharon Harper

Eugene Hung

Emily Onyango

WORKSHOP SPEAKERS Sarah Ago Hillside Covenant Church

Jeannette Cochran Seneca Creek Community Church

Linda Lee Smith Barkman Advocate for Incarcerated Women

Rob Dixon Campus Minister, InterVarsity

Beth Birmingham NGO Leader

Taffi Dollar Pastor, Author

Jodi Chung Speaker, Ministry Leader

Sandra Glahn Author and Activist

Michael Chung Scholar, Missionary, Ministry Leader

Nell Green Missionary, Refugee Advocate

Mimi Haddad President, CBE International

Allison Quient Scholar and Advocate

Sandra Morgan Vanguard University

Mitch Randall Ethicsdaily.com

Shirley Mullen President, Houghton College

Ruben Rivera Bethel University (MN)

Annette Oltmans The M3nd Project

Eeva Sallinen Simard World Relief

Jeanne Porter King The TransPorter Group

Todd Still Truett Seminary

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M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 15

Lessons from Eliezer:

Dating is difficult in today’s culture. As I have counseled single women and men through the years, I often heard pleas for help to find a Christian person to date.

And let’s be honest. There are many different kinds of Christians. How does one get help to find a similar kind of Christian? One who values mutual submission and servant leadership in marriage?

What an Old Testament Matchmaker Has to Say About Egalitarian Dating

A disclaimer

by Kay Bonikoswky

Matchmaking as “the help of God.”

Before I continue, I want to be clear that I do not believe marriage is the ultimate destination or fulfilment in life, as Christian culture often suggests. A woman’s created purpose is not to bear children and be a submissive wife; a man’s is not to be a father, husband, and provider/ protector. We all share the same purpose—to serve God according to God’s call and in line with our gifts. We were created for community, but that community does not need to be marriage, nor should marriage be our only or primary form of vulnerable community. Paul exhorted the early church to be single and dedicated fully to the Lord’s service. This can be a very difficult thing, especially in cultures that idolize marriage over other forms of community. What follows is geared toward those who are actively seeking marriage, but I pray that we will also learn to celebrate singleness as a good thing and work to be the kind of communities where people who are not married do not feel isolated or alone.

Some people meet their partners with little effort. For many of us, meeting potential partners with similar values is difficult. Whether it’s dating apps, reliable friends, social gatherings, or something else, many of us enlist the help of a matchmaker. And the idea isn’t as novel as you might think! Matchmaking services have been the staple to forming marriages for thousands of years. In Genesis 24, we read the story of a famous matchmaker. He is unnamed in this chapter, but Jewish tradition tells us this was Eliezer, the servant of Abraham.

Eliezer’s name is a subtle reminder of the goodness found in an ideal match. El-ezer means “God’s help.”

In Genesis 2:18, God told the first man that it was not

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good that he was alone, and that he would make an ezer for him. An ezer is strong aid, or help in trouble.

Through the matchmaker Eliezer, God helped Isaac to find Rebekah. Eliezer’s story can provide helpful instruction on how to make a match with someone who shares our egalitarian values.

Be willing to defy cultural norms When Abraham tasked Eliezer to find a wife for his son, Isaac, he had one condition. The match must not come from the families of the Canaanites.

Eliezer must go back to Abraham’s family living in Haran and find a woman from Abraham’s own kin.

Eliezer’s skeptical reaction reveals something about the marriage traditions of that day.

Eliezer asked, “What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?”

In my culture, it is customary for the bride and groom to leave both sets of parents and form a new home together, so it is easy to miss the nuance of this strange condition of Abraham. It was not a matter of distance alone that would keep the woman from agreeing to the marriage. It was against custom for the bride to leave her family to join the groom’s family. We see the origin of this custom in Genesis 2:24, when God ordains the marriage of the first husband and wife.

“A man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife.” It does not say the wife is to leave her parents and join him. The original motion in marriage—and some would argue it is a divine instruction—is toward the wife and her family home.

(Note as well that Samson’s wife stayed in her own home in Judges 15. Also, Jacob asked his wives to leave with him in Genesis 31; it was not assumed.)

So, Eliezer naturally asked, if the bride is unwilling to break with tradition, should Isaac do what is expected of him and go live with her? Abraham replied that no, Isaac must not leave the promised land of Canaan.

Eliezer would be freed of his oath if the woman was not willing to leave her home. This was the deal-breaker.

Like Eliezer, those seeking an egalitarian spouse struggle against the marriage customs of our day.

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Traditional values concerning gender roles and spousal expectations seep into each nuance of the dating experience, and unless you set the conditions for your match before undertaking a matchmaking journey, you might be tempted to compromise.

Traditional values concerning gender roles and spousal expectations seep into each nuance of the dating experience, and unless you set the conditions for your match before undertaking a matchmaking journey, you might be tempted to compromise. Is being committed to an egalitarian marriage a nonnegotiable for you? Do you have any other dealbreakers? Like Eliezer, you must determine ahead of time the kind of marriage you desire, with the understanding that if your conditions are not met, you are willing to call the whole thing off. This will limit the field from which you can choose. But like Eliezer, you can trust that God will aid you in your choice.

Invest in the task Next, we see that Eliezer took the matter seriously. He swore an oath. Marriage is one of the most important choices a person can make. It is important to invest in making the best choice possible. For Eliezer, that meant being held accountable. His oath indicated he

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all manner of good things? Then invest (what you are financially and emotionally able to) in the journey.

Know your deal-breakers and pray with purpose Eliezer’s first condition for a wife for Isaac was that she be from Abraham’s extended family and that she be willing to move to Isaac’s home. Those were non-negotiable.

But, we see that he had other parameters in mind. Even though Rebekah is described as a beauty, this is not on Eliezer’s list. He is looking for someone who is willing to give him a drink and then offer to water all his camels. He wanted a woman who was generous to strangers, caring toward animals, and took initiative. And this is exactly what he asked God to bring him. was answerable to Abraham for his decision. There is no oath-taking in dating, but you might consider enlisting a trusted mentor committed to egalitarian values to walk alongside you on your dating journey.

This mentor will offer not only encouragement, but accountability and oversight.

Eliezer prepared himself for the long journey. He took ten camels and all manner of good things along with him. Committing yourself to the journey of finding a spouse will take resources of money, time, and emotional toil. Online dating, for instance, requires hours of sifting through data and profile writing, personal exploration, and hard evaluation. It is not all fun and games. Expect disappointment as well as joy.

Dating sites also charge fees for their services. It may be a long search. Is a great match worth ten camels and

I often wonder if Eliezer had a long discussion with Isaac to discover the qualities he was looking for in a mate.

Were the personality parameters of being a generous go-getter Isaac’s idea of an ideal wife? Since Isaac was a forty-year-old bachelor, it makes sense to me that he had some idea of what he wanted, and directed Eliezer himself. This “hope for” list creates a prayer list as well.

Like Eliezer, we can be bold and ask God for specifics.

Eliezer also prayed for guidance. He understood that his errand was a divine responsibility. A matchmaker makes a match, but God ordains the marriage. Finding a spouse is a paradoxical exercise in juggling the providence of God with our free will. We may decide for ourselves who to marry, but we trust that God guides our choice.

Committing yourself to the journey of finding a spouse will take resources of money, time, and emotional toil.

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Eliezer offers the first recorded spontaneous and personal prayer for guidance, because he believed that God had appointed a wife for Isaac, and he prayed that his match would follow the Lord’s will. Just as Eliezer asked God to guide him, you can ask God to guide you.

Evaluate Genesis 24:15 says that before Eliezer finished praying, God was already answering his prayer in the arrival of Rebekah. Eliezer asked her for a drink, and she quickly complied. Then without prompting, she quickly gave the rest of her water to his camels and went to fetch more.

Rebekah had passed the test with gracious speed. But, in verse 21 we read that Eliezer continued to watch her silently to determine if God had answered his prayer. This extra step shows how well Eliezer understood the paradoxical nature of free choice and God’s will. This girl appeared to be God’s will for Isaac, but Eliezer continued to observe her actions each step of the way.

I’ve found that this is the step that often gets overlooked in the romantic swirl of meeting a perfect match.

Matchmaking services find great matches, but continued assessment and personal judgement are necessary to determine if the person is ideal. One way that Eliezer determined if Rebekah was the one for Isaac was to meet her family. Spending time with family and friends of the person you are considering is a great way to determine their integrity and values, and will give you critical insight into family dynamics and personality traits. When you find yourself thinking, this could be the one, go back to your deal breakers and review your “hope for” list of ideal spousal traits. Pray with your mentor and evaluate carefully.

Eliezer’s match was a success. Isaac loved Rebekah.

Rebekah’s willingness to leave her home and family to join Abraham’s tribe became the model for all Jewish wedding traditions thereafter to include the bride’s spoken consent to the match. Through the transparent recording of their life in Genesis, we can see that Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage had its troubles, but the story also reveals how God ordained the match for his good purposes.

Eliezer as God’s help in making their match is instructive to egalitarians seeking an equal and like-minded spouse today. His journey shows us the importance of knowing what you are looking for, asking God for guidance, and using personal judgement in the search for a suitable spouse.

Those looking for a Christian spouse with egalitarian ideals can turn to the same strategies to help them on their journey to find God’s match for their life.

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When you find yourself thinking, this could be the one, go back to your deal breakers and review your “hope for” list of ideal spousal traits. Pray with your mentor and evaluate carefully.

Kay Bonikowsky and her husband teamplanted a church in Washington state for seven years before moving away. She is nearing completion of her MDiv in theological studies at Multnomah University. She blogs on women and the Bible at kbonikowsky.com.

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A Tale of Two Rapes: What Tamar and Bathsheba Teach Us About Power, Consent, and Sexual Violence

by Erin Moniz

“Does Scripture talk about rape and consent?”

This question was posed by a young lady who recently visited my office. As a college chaplain, I have the unfortunate privilege of hearing heartbreaking stories of rape, abuse, and incest from my students. Many are in my office because a) they know it is a safe space and b) they are wondering where God and their faith fit into their experiences of abuse. Many students are navigating these questions while they date in search of lifelong partners. Too often, sexual violation of one form or another takes place within those relationships.

Both secular and Christian culture normalize behaviors from manipulation to sexual assault. When it comes to dating and sex, concerns over extramarital sex often overshadow all else, setting the stage for abusive patterns to develop.

Some women have experienced abuse and blame themselves. Others don’t realize what they endured was abuse.

While it is not addressed nearly enough from the pulpit, Scripture has important information about power, patriarchy, and sexual rhetoric. When we miss these elements in reading the Bible, we are more likely to misinterpret what we see in the world around us.

Two of Scripture’s most informative passages on rape are right next to each other in 2 Samuel: the rape of Tamar in chapter 13 and the rape of Bathsheba two chapters earlier. Our view of what is and is not sexual violence in our own context is often mirrored in how we tend to read and interpret these two stories.

Tamar’s Story Tamar’s account fits how most of us define rape. There is little dispute that this is a story of rape. The text outlines the insidious plot by Amnon (her halfbrother), the scene of deception, and the trapping of Tamar. The author writes how Tamar pleads and begs for solutions that will keep Amnon

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from raping her, but to no avail. Due to social stigma, she then has to live out the remainder of her life in shame.

While the Hebrew text does not use the word “rape” (there is no ancient Hebrew parallel to our term), everyone agrees this was a rape. It is obvious to us. First, Amnon wanted to have sex with his half-sister, something our culture considers deviant. She resists and he ignores her pleas. He then then sends her away and wants nothing more to do with her. Every element of this story fits our presuppositions about rape.

Bathsheba’s Story The rape of Bathsheba is much more controversial and reveals our biases about sexual violation and the victim’s role.

I always grew up hearing about David’s adultery with Bathsheba. Despite feeling that she had been wronged in some way, I never thought much more about her experience. It was also much nicer to think that King David’s shortcomings had more to do with adultery (a normative deviance among people I knew) than rape (never considered acceptable in my circles). So why do many Christians so easily call Tamar’s story rape but not Bathsheba’s?

Resistance is a key variable in our definition of rape. Tamar resisted, but Bathsheba’s account does not record resistance. We tend to assume this means she was a consenting partner, so we put her experience in the category of “adultery.” We even assign her some of the blame. The truth is quite different.

To read Bathsheba’s story faithfully, we need to understand power dynamics.

Power and Sexual Abuse Before stories of his abuse helped launch the #MeToo movement, Harvey Weinstein was undeniably one of the most powerful men in Hollywood.

Several actresses who filed reports against Weinstein mentioned how he wielded power to abuse them.1 Rosanne Arquette said that Weinstein “made things very difficult for me for years.” Uma Thurman mentioned how she confronted Weinstein but he threatened to derail her career if she reported him. In her interview, Salma Hayek claimed Weinstein’s advances could quickly turn to rage.

I don’t think he hated anything more than the word ‘no.’ The range of his persuasion tactics went from sweettalking me to that one time when, in an attack of fury, he said the terrifying words, ‘I will kill you, don’t think I can’t.’

Weinstein had the power to act on his threats and victims knew it. This explains the ease with which he exploited and also generally shows why victims do not always fight back. Their resistance could make a bad situation much worse.

In her book, Scars Across Humanity, Elaine Storkey writes, “Power inequalities, in these cases in terms of age, strength and money, often go along with incidents of rape. These factors can be even more noticeable when the rapist is well known, and when the surrounding community allows a veil of silence to cover his behaviour” (126). We have done just this with King David. We often miss them, but the power dynamics present in this story give us every reason to believe that what happened to Bathsheba is rape, not a consensual act of adultery.

First, in the Old Testament world, to be summoned by a king was no small thing.

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M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 21

Failing to appear was a matter of life and death. She could not simply refuse to appear.

Second, even according to Hebrew law, this likely would have been considered rape. The law made the distinction of rape or consent based on verbal resistance by the victim and whether or not that resistance could be heard by witnesses. If a man raped a woman in a rural area, where she could not be heard, he alone was guilty (Deuteronomy 22:23-27). As Sarah Bowler notes in Vindicating the Vixens, “If Bathsheba cried out, no one would dare enter the king’s chamber to stop him.

In that sense there was little difference between a man raping a woman in the country and a king raping a woman in his palace chambers” (84). Bathsheba had no agency or say in what the king did to her.

Third, many assume that Bathsheba’s bathing on the roof was a form of sexual entrapment, but God apparently didn’t see it that way. When the prophet Nathan confronts David, he likens Bathsheba to a ewe lamb who is kidnapped and devoured (2 Sam. 12:1–6). This rendition leaves no question as to how she is viewed by God. She was a victim through and through. Yahweh sends his prophet to tell her and Uriah’s story because they share no blame in David’s actions.

When the prophet Nathan confronts David, he likens Bathsheba to a ewe lamb who is kidnapped and devoured (2 Sam. 12:1–6).

This rendition leaves no question to how she is viewed

by God. She was a victim through and through.

What About Us? I cannot count how many times I have sat with a young woman and explained to her that the experience she just described to me is, in fact, rape. I watch their faces as it dawns on them that the trauma symptoms that brought them to my office are a result of rape or sexual abuse. Like most people in US

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culture, their view of rape encompasses Tamar’s experience but not Bathsheba’s. Their psyche absorbed the trauma but their definitions did not allow them to realize that they had endured sexual abuse. Complicating matters is the fact that unlike Tamar or Bathsheba, these abuses often happen within the context of a romantic relationship. If Christians are to show the world what godly relationships grounded in a biblical sexual ethic look like, then we have work to do.

We need to challenge cultural narratives about sexual violence.

The #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements have clarified that we still view rape as a stranger attack in a dark alley with a screaming, fighting victim. The Bathshebas of our society endure silently either because they are disempowered by the threats of their abuser, or because they don’t have a vocabulary for an abusive sexual encounter. Culture has driven this narrative and Christians have not countered it. So where do we start?

First, we need to pursue a fuller understanding of Scripture.

Sarah Bowler observes that “a true understanding of [Bathsheba’s] tale holds crucial ramifications for how Christians respond to a world filled with abuse and saturated with misunderstandings about sexual misconduct” (83). If we hold up both Tamar’s and Bathsheba’s stories and fail to call them both rape, then we fail to understand the widespread sin that lurks in our institutions and churches.

Second, we need to have a deeper conversation about consent. On my campus, I am surrounded by messages about the importance of consent. However, not everything that looks like consent is actually consent. Women in similar situations to Bathsheba or Harvey Weinstein’s victims might seem like they are consenting, but they are not. Consent under duress is not consent.

Our culture has made consent the lowest common denominator of what qualifies for good, appropriate sexual encounters.

As long as everyone is a consenting adult, whatever you

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On my campus, I am surrounded by messages about the importance of consent. However, not everything that looks like consent is actually consent. Women in similar situations to Bathsheba or Harvey Weinstein’s victims might seem like they are consenting, but they are not. Consent under duress is not consent. do is okay. Yet the young women I see feel a weight of shame for not speaking up when they were truly unsure about the sexual acts they were being asked to perform. They were taught that consent makes an experience okay, but never that compliance is not consent.

In the church, our children hardly learn about consent at all. The primary message about sex is simply “don’t have sex unless you’re married.” Let’s also talk about why marriage is the best context for a sexual relationship. That includes, among other things, that marriage is (or should be) a relationship without the kind of power imbalance that underlies so much sexual abuse. Consent is also about more than sex, but respecting boundaries and others’ agency. And when it does come to sex, research shows that equipping our kids to make informed decisions reduces the odds of them having premarital sex!2 The church also tends to treat consent within marriage as a non-issue, as if saying “I do” grants permanent consent. In truth, everything from sexual manipulation and coercion to rape can and does take place in the context of marriage.

Research shows that between ten and fourteen percent of married women will be raped during their marriage.3 Those who are married still need to understand the dynamics of power and consent.

Third, we should be creating a counternarrative to a patriarchal power structure that affirms sexual entitlement. We live in a world where the media teaches boys that a woman saying “no” to his advances is just playing hard to get. That he will win her over with persistence—and she will thank him for it. Children are taught that boys and men can be trusted to make rational decisions, while girls and women make erratic, emotional decisions. I could go on. Sadly, churches are complicit, regurgitating these narratives with a misunderstood and misapplied Bible story as evidence. These patterns set up young people for unhealthy relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Research shows that between ten and fourteen percent of married women will be raped during their marriage.

We must learn from Tamar and Bathsheba. If we do not, we are doing a disservice to our spiritual formation, our relationships, and our witness in the world. In the Bible and in our own world, we blame those who God holds blameless. We fail to see or address our own contributions to the epidemic of abuse that plagues our society. Instead of recognizing the role of power dynamics in abuse, we actually teach couples that God created men to have power over women! The Bible says otherwise, but we are often blind to its truths. The past is still informing issues relevant to our current lives. In an era of #ChurchToo and #MeToo, Tamar and Bathsheba still speak with weight and truth.

Rev. Deacon Erin Faith Moniz serves as the assistant chaplain for Berry College in Rome, GA. She has her MDiv in professional ministry from Liberty University School of Divinity and is a doctoral candidate (DMin) at Trinity School for Ministry studying a theology of intimacy.

She is ordained as a vocational deacon in the Anglican Church of North America, and loves her husband, her students, and learning.

1. Zach Seemayer, “Harvey Weinstein, 1 Year Later: Where Everything Stands Now.” Entertainment Tonight, October 2 018 , ht t p s ://w w w. e ton l i ne . c om / h a r ve y-we i n s t e i n s - s e x u a l- a bu s e - s c a nd a l-1-ye a r-l a t e r-w he re - e ve r y t h i n g - s t a nd s -now- 8 9 0 8 0.

2.

“International Technical Guidance on Sexuality Education: An Evidence-informed Approach for Schools, Teachers and Hea lth Educators” U N E SCO, 2009, https://unesdoc.unesco.org /ark:/48223/pf 0000183281.

3. “Quick Guide: Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse,” National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, April 2018, https://ncadv.org/blog/posts/quickguide-domestic-violence-and-sexual-abuse.

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M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 23

It’s Time for a Sexual Ethic Jesus Might Have Actually Preached Lyndsey Medford Consent: a word so bland I once found it almost ugly. Why would I base my framework for romantic relationships on a word as flippant and perfunctory as a waiver to have my photo taken? Bodies and relationships are deeply important to me as a Christian. Naturally, sex is also deeply important to me.

Even after I left purity culture behind, I still searched for a rich, God-honoring sexual ethic. Consent seemed like a pretty bare standard for behavior.

Yet, in looking back on my experience with purity culture, I have to admit that consent has not been a given in my romantic relationships.

With its intense fixation on boundaries, it may seem like purity culture values consent. However, in framing sexual relationships only in terms of individual purity and in failing to educate us about our own bodies and sexuality, purity culture discourages us from learning and using language to communicate about boundaries and physical touch. Many evangelicals were indirectly taught that consent is implied until the word “no” brings an interaction to a halt. Meanwhile, women—raised to be demure and compliant in most interactions with men—are expected to be staunch champions of their physical boundaries. Believing they were protecting us, proponents of purity culture and strict gender roles withheld the tools young people needed to advocate for and protect themselves.

I was kissed for the first time in high school. It was unexpected and confusing. Actually, it bordered on assault. I blamed myself for my feelings of shame and loss, because I hadn’t stopped it from happening. And, because I was taught to perform evangelical gender roles in my relationships, I expected men I dated to set the tone for physical intimacy—while I was to stop them if I felt uncomfortable. Our parents, mentors, and pastors (and the books they gave us) never invited us to imagine any other arrangement.

We fell into the pattern they outlined for us in Christian college, drawing imaginary lines across our bodies and trying desperately to appease a tiny, damning referee inside our heads. An invisible line judge always stood ready with a shrieking whistle any time someone’s hands inched out of bounds.

For me, this translated to encounters where I acquiesced to a man touching my body even as my mind roiled. As I began

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Enthusiastic consent means: there are no reservations or discomfort on either side of a physical interaction; both participants are attuned to and listening to each other’s verbal and nonverbal signals; and both are placing the other’s total comfort ahead of their own desires. to ask friends about their experiences, far more horrifying stories emerged of young men who simply used the gendered power dynamics of purity culture against their girlfriends and ultimately assaulted them.

Again and again, women took the blame.

Purity culture—supposedly meant to keep women safe—had left them vulnerable to manipulation and violence.

Clearly, the “bare minimum” of consent is a standard far too few people have actually adopted. The rise of violent pornography, the online harassment women experience daily, and the #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements all serve as evidence. We need more conversations everywhere we can muster the courage to have them—in churches, schools, bars, colleges, hospitals, legislatures, and more. Perhaps especially within the church, we have a great deal to learn about consent.

A consent ethic for romantic relationships provides a higher standard than an ethic focused only on personal boundaries because it requires active and open communication and shared responsibility. It requires us to not only respect our own bodies but also the bodies of others. Project Respect explains, “Consent is a mutual verbal, physical, and emotional agreement that happens without manipulation, threats, or head games. Consent is a whole body experience. It is not just a verbal “yes” or “no”—it involves paying attention to your partner as a person and checking in with physical and emotional cues as well…

Only yes means yes—and yes should come from an engaged and enthusiastic partner.”

Enthusiastic consent means 1) there are no reservations or discomfort on either side of a physical interaction, 2) both participants are attuned to and listening to each other’s verbal and nonverbal signals, and 3) both are

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placing the other’s total comfort ahead of their own desires.

From an ethical perspective, purity culture’s rules are actually far less robust than an ethic of enthusiastic consent. Purity culture locates responsibility for purity with the individual, but consent culture insists that both individuals are responsible to one another. Purity culture implies that only married people are entitled to sex; consent culture states that no one is entitled to sex.

Purity culture warns people away from their bodies; consent culture invites them into their bodies. Purity culture places responsibility for communication on the sender of a message; consent culture emphasizes the importance of both speaking and listening. Purity culture determines the rightness or wrongness of an action based on the beliefs of an individual; consent culture determines it based on the context and quality of communication within a relationship and the values of both parties.

Instead of simply imposing rules out of fear, our approach to decisions about physical touch should involve asking our significant others questions and listening to their answers. This way, the decision-making process itself becomes a part of the physical relationship. By asking these questions and verbalizing these answers, we make space for radical honesty—both with our partners and with ourselves. We begin to develop and trust our own intuition to tell us not just about our individual readiness to engage in an activity, but also about the health of a relationship; how we really feel about the other person; and what we believe about sex and physical intimacy.

Asking for consent takes maturity. It requires everyone to be honest and clear about their intentions, to speak their needs and boundaries out loud. It means taking an active

M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 25

role in decision-making, not just acquiescing to the desires and pressures of others. It requires self-control and the ability to cope when things don’t go our way. It encourages us to voice our opinions, needs, beliefs, hopes, and fears about our relationships—even when it seems easier not to.

An ethic of consent does not (and should not) preclude rules, Christian beliefs, and boundaries. Instead, it shifts the responsibility for sharing, listening, and respecting beliefs and boundaries onto the person pursuing further intimacy—rather than placing the onus on the other person to interrupt the encounter with “no.” When we learn that intimacy is not intimacy without enthusiastic consent, we recover its intended purpose of bringing joy. We are also better able to intuit that something is not right when an activity or relationship brings shame, fear, worry, doubt, pain, or secrecy.

Likewise, teaching people to develop intuition and communication skills doesn’t mean tossing out Christian values or expectations. It means equipping people to better live out those values in the context of today. “I want to wait to have sex until marriage” is a belief—a what. Enthusiastic consent is the how—and the how requires ongoing, candid conversation about putting that belief into practice in intimate relationships.

Jesus’ preaching MO was to replace a legalistic, outwardlyfocused standard of behavior with a relationally-focused one.

Instead of “do not murder,” Jesus said “do not insult your brother or sister” (Matt. 5:22). Instead of just keeping the letter of Sabbath regulations, he honored the spirit of the Sabbath: celebration, wholeness, and healing in community (Matt.

12:7). Others accused him of being impure, and he didn’t bother to refute them; he simply went on loving (Matt. 9:11).

He knew the law-keepers cared less about holiness before God than about keeping their lives tidy.

Teaching people to develop intuition and communication skills doesn’t mean tossing out Christian values or expectations. It means equipping people to better live out those values in the context of today.

Determining our values, listening to our bodies, emotions, and intuitions, communicating about them in relationship, remaining open and curious toward our partner, practicing self-control, and maintaining open communication throughout our relationships and throughout our lives can certainly be difficult work.

26 M U T U A L I T Y | Summer 2019

In choosing between purity culture and a consent ethic, we are not choosing between upholding Christian values and a no-rules sexual free-for-all. We are choosing between fearfully controlling others using shame and misinformation and empowering believers to build healthy relationships and make informed, positive decisions.

Rules and referees seem, at first glance, more foolproof, and they’re certainly more straightforward.

Yet, Jesus knew that when we focus only on keeping regulations, we lose our sense of imagination and adventure. We become judgmental, petty, and mean—especially toward ourselves.

Perhaps worst of all, we come to think we can be perfect all by ourselves. On the other hand, when relationships are the focus of our lives, we are able to live with hope, excitement, and abundance. We bring compassion and creativity to each other and ourselves, because we are concerned not with outward purity but with internal wholeness.

At first glance, purity culture’s rules and whistle-blowing referees can seem foolproof. In some ways, they are certainly more straightforward than a consent ethic. But where purity culture so often trains young people in habits of judgment and fear, a consent ethic consistently invites us to curiosity, honesty, and care. In choosing between purity culture and a consent ethic, we are not choosing between upholding Christian values and a no-rules sexual free-for-all. We are choosing between fearfully controlling others using shame and misinformation and empowering believers to build healthy relationships and make informed, positive decisions. It is clear, to me at least, which of these paths follows in the way of Jesus.

Lyndsey Medford is the director of discipleship at Two Rivers Church in Charleston, SC. On her days off, she’s usually in her garden, mastering gluten-free baking, or at the beach with her husband and rescue pup. Lyndsey writes about Jesus, justice, and joy on Instagram (@lyndseymedford) and at lyndseymedford.com.

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Reflect With Us

by H. Edgar Hix

LOVE POEM FROM JOSEPH Your life will be my life, and my life yours.

Your son will be my son, his Father my Father.

We will deal with the fallout from believers and unbelievers alike as we live and work, dream and play together.

We will carry our heads high and our duty seriously.

We will be to each other an Adam and Eve. We will live in our garden, snakes and all.

Our hearts will beat as a rhythmic song that others may see, but only we and God will hear.

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M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 27

Ministry News

CBE is Partnering with Trailblazers In Rwanda

Rwanda Leads the World Rwanda’s government leads the world in female representation—64% of parliament members are women. That’s more than twice the global average of 24% and more than twice the record-breaking number of women now serving in the US Congress!

It is a remarkable achievement for any country, let alone one decimated by a 1994 genocide that left over 500,000 people dead. Following the tragedy, women stepped into leadership positions, and were key to reconciliation, reconstruction, and policy-making. Today, Rwanda is considered one of the safest, least corrupt, and most economically secure countries in Africa.

The Church Remains a Barrier But according to some Rwandan pastors, that is only part of the story. CBE and EFOGE invited a team of Rwandan leaders, headed by Rev. Philbert Kalisa, to last year’s conference near Kampala, Uganda. During a meeting Rev. Kalisa told CBE that socially, gender equality is interpreted as empowering women over men, and the concept of biblical gender equality is a new one.

He explained, “Women’s voices are not as strong as the numbers imply. While government is forcing gender equality, the culture and the church remain barriers. Local church leaders understand gender equality as a political issue and still teach that women are to submit. Families are not prepared [for this change], and rates of divorce and domestic violence are increasing.”

CBE’s Collaboration Rev. Kalisa’s team sees a real need to leverage their expertise in healing and tribal reconciliation to promote and facilitate gender reconciliation. As Rev. Kalisa pointed out, “We experienced death. We can’t go back.” To support this effort, CBE will join them in Kigali, Rwanda, August 22–24 for an EFOGE conference titled, “Man and Woman, One in Christ: Engaging Faith Narratives for Justice and Equality.” In addition, CBE resources are being used to create curriculum for pilot projects with local government, churches, and NGOs.

28 M U T U A L I T Y | Summer 2019

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Giving Opportunities

Invest in Girls!

Girls across the world face cultural, political, and economic barriers to an education that helps them achieve their dreams. Many girls miss school because of social stigmas that ostracize and humiliate them during menstruation. In fact, a UNESCO report estimates that 1 in 10 girls in Sub-Saharan Africa misses school due to their period, and some as much as 20% of the school year. Some girls drop out of school completely when they start menstruating.

Adding to these burdens, the church, the voice of authority in many communities, often perpetuates beliefs and attitudes that prevent girls from going to school and doing their best.

With support from you and CBE , local pastors in Kenya, Uganda, and Zimbabwe are brea king down these ba rriers by cha l leng ing rel ig ious and cultural gender norms. They are a lso providing practica l support— sanitar y pads.

You can join them by making a gift at cbe.today/girls.

• Donate $10 for a carton of 70 sanitary pads.

• Donate $32 towards 10 books for teens on the Bible and gender.

• Donate $250 to cover a one-day gender equality program for 25 students.

Thank you for joining with CBE and our local ministry partners to support girls as they pursue an education and achieve their dreams!

Give securely online at cbe.today/conscholarships or mail a check with “educate girls” noted in the memo, or by phone (612-872-6898).

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M U T U A L I T Y | ”Dating while Egalitarian” 29

President’s Message

by Mimi Haddad

Debunking Eros Recently, my graduate students discussed how US culture sometimes idolizes sex. Citing a friend, one said, “the orgasm has replaced the cross as the place of transcendence in 21st century American culture.” A recent study suggested that, though casual sex is more accepted than ever, loneliness is too.1 Twenty-seven percent of Americans feel isolated, but loneliness is far worse among eighteen to twenty-two year-olds, followed by Millennials.

The least lonely were Americans aged seventy-two and older— those having fewer sexual encounters.2 Western culture often celebrates eros (romantic or sexual love) exclusively, but Scripture speaks of four distinct types of love: storge (love for those who are familiar, such as family, neighbors, coworkers, etc.), agape (God’s love), philia (love between kindred spirits), and eros.

Sometimes, it can seem like everyone is either in romantic love or pursuing it. US culture and churches often elevate this kind of love, focusing an inordinate amount of energy, attention, and resources on dating, romance, and marriage. Other loves, like philia, are neglected.

notes. As friendships deepen, the core of who we are is revealed— what we are called to accomplish, heal, create, and challenge.

The pleasures of philia are not embodied, like eros. As Lewis notes, the side-by-side work of those who share the same calling is where we are surprised by joy and where we find deep companionship orchestrated by God. In this way, philia reveals the deeper meaning of our lives, identity, and purpose.

But just as culture elevates eros as the highest love and ignores philia, so does the church. As egalitarians, this narrow concept of love should greatly concern us, because eros feeds, in part, the church’s obsession with gender roles. When eros love is treasured above any other kind of love, romantic relationships between men and women become our primary focus and we overlook the importance of philia. Philia is about sharing vision and ideas, learning from one another, and discovering God’s purpose for our lives. This is the kind of love that fuels mutual submission and equal dignity in men and women. It also builds healthy professional relationships between men and women.

I need to remind you how much CBE has done for my life. Those early conferences I attended, the books I carried home—like lessons I learned, the recognition that I wasn’t alone in my thinking carried me through some tough years.

Gender roles separate men and women, limiting their opportunities for philia as colleagues and co-leaders and the deep joy we all derive from love that is not romantic. Tragically, gender essentialism obscures the fullest purposes of women, because they are not free to discover and fan into flame the gifts God has given them.

Rather, men are given leadership roles and women are called only to “roles” of submission/support. The impact of gender roles, in the workplace or romantic relationships, is that women must be demure and submit, whereas men must be aggressive and bold. In both cases, we limit our potential for philia—equal and passionate exchanges of ideas between men and women. This love flourishes in egalitarian communities, because we value individuals for what they think and their God-given calling, rather than their adherence to gender roles. We also subvert the narrow confines of eros as the only love permitted to men and women.

As people discover they are not alone—that someone else holds the same view—new and powerful possibilities become evident. The power of philia is born. Those who thought they were alone are thrilled to discover traveling companions. As Lewis notes, this is how movements begin! It also explains why people who want friends have trouble finding them. Philia is always focused outward, Lewis

The deepest transcendence between humans is not the fruit of eros but philia, and both are eclipsed by the transcendence of Christ in the human soul. If Christians can gain a healthier regard for philia—coupled with a robust critique of eros and how it promotes gender roles—our relationships as men and women gifted and called to flourish side by side will be happier and healthier.

Of the human loves, CS Lewis argued that philia offers the greatest joy and human connection.3 The least physical of the loves, philia is centered on shared interests. Eros means passion for another or passion itself, whereas philia is the love that forms friendships based on shared passion for an ideal, issue, or subject.

Philia brings people together, where they discover that they are not alone. If you have ever been to a CBE conference, you would know that they are absolute philia festivals. As one CBE supporter wrote me recently:

1. Kasandra Brabaw, “This Is How Often People Actually Have One-Night Stands,” Refinery 29, June 2017, https://www.refinery29.com/enus/2017/06/157756/one-night-stand-casual-sex-facts.

2. Alexa Lardieri, “Study: Many Americans Report Feeling Lonely, Younger Generations More So,” US News and World Report, May 2018, https://www. usnews.com/news/health-care-news/articles/2018-05-01/study-many-americans-report-feeling-lonely-younger-generations-more-so.

3. Lewis, CS. The Four Loves. London: HarperCollins Publishers, 1960.

30 M U T U A L I T Y | Summer 2019

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CBE INTERNATIONAL

CBE SUBSCRIPTION / MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION

Mission Statement CBE International (CBE) exists to promote biblical justice and community by educating Christians that the Bible calls women and men to share authority equally in service and leadership in the home, church, and world.

Statement of Faith • We believe in one God, creator and sustainer of the universe, eternally existing as three persons equal in power and glory.

• We believe in the full deity and the full humanity of Jesus Christ.

• We believe that eternal salvation and restored relationships are only possible through faith in Jesus Christ who died for us, rose from the dead, and is coming again. This salvation is offered to all people.

• We believe the Holy Spirit equips us for service and sanctifies us from sin.

• We believe the Bible is the inspired word of God, is reliable, and is the final authority for faith and practice.

• We believe that women and men are equally created in God’s image and given equal authority and stewardship of God’s creation.

• We believe that men and women are equally responsible for and distorted by sin, resulting in shattered relationships with God, self, and others.

Core Values • Scripture is our authoritative guide for faith, life, and practice.

• Patriarchy (male dominance) is not a biblical ideal but a result of sin.

• Patriarchy is an abuse of power, taking from females what God has given them: their dignity, and freedom, their leadership, and often their very lives.

• While the Bible reflects patriarchal culture, the Bible does not teach patriarchy in human relationships.

• Christ’s redemptive work frees all people from patriarchy, calling women and men to share authority equally in service and leadership.

• God’s design for relationships includes faithful marriage between a man and a woman, celibate singleness and mutual submission in Christian community.

• The unrestricted use of women’s gifts is integral to the work of the Holy Spirit and essential for the advancement of the gospel in the world.

• Followers of Christ are to oppose injustice and patriarchal teachings and practices that marginalize and abuse females and males.

To learn more about CBE’s values, history, and ministry, visit cbe.today/info.

GET CONNECTED WITH CBE Connect with CBE online to learn more about us, enjoy the resources we offer, and take part in our ministry.

Visit our website, cbeinternational.org, to find thousands of free resources—articles, book reviews, and video and audio recordings.

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Raise Your Voice

Influence Starts with “I”

Priscilla

Hermanas

Why We Stay Silent and How to Speak Up

A Woman’s Guide for Unleashing the Power of Leading from Within and Affecting Change Around You

The Life of an Early Christian

Deepening Our Identity and Growing Our Influence

Kathy Khang You have a voice. And you have God’s permission to use it.

In some communities, certain voices are amplified and elevated while others are erased and suppressed.

What can we do about it? Khang offers insights from faithful heroes who raised their voices for the sake of God’s justice, and she shows how we can do the same today, in person, in social media, in organizations, and in the public square.

Jeanne Porter King Influence is power. Influence skills are important ingredients to effective leadership in today’s complex organizations and institutions. In her latest title, leadership coach King provides a guide for developing the personal side of leadership. This guide helps you to identify your leadership purpose, develop an influence mindset, use your power strategically, negotiate gender barriers, build your support system, and more.

Ben Witherington III In this work of historical fiction, Priscilla looks back on her long life and remembers the ways she has participated in the early church.

Priscilla’s story makes the firstcentury world come alive and helps readers connect the events and correspondence in different New Testament books. Witherington combines biblical scholarship and winsome storytelling to give readers a vivid picture of an important New Testament woman.

Natalia Kohn Rivera, Noemi Vega Quiñones, and Kristy Garza Robinson God calls Latinas to lives of influence.

The authors share their own journeys as Latinas and leaders. They find mentorship in twelve inspirational women of the Bible including Esther, Rahab, Mary, and Lydia, who navigated challenges of brokenness and suffering, being bicultural, and crossing borders. The insights here will help any who seek to empower Latinas in leadership.