FOR BETTER OR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND SEXY TIME

I WAS ON THE YOUNGER END OF MY BREAST CANCER DIAGNOSIS. I WAS TWENTY SEVEN, HAD A ONE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, AND MARRIED TO AN AMAZING MAN. OUR LIFE WAS IN THE INFANCY OF THE WORDS WE VOWED TO EACH OTHER ON OUR WEDDING DAY FOUR YEARS PRIOR.

For better or worse, in sickness and in health. Of course we were hoping sickness and the worst of times would not be on the five year plan of our marriage. Having a new baby is taxing on romance and “sexy time” but add in a disease that takes the most feminine parts of you. You definitely don’t feel prepared to handle the helm of your body that feels foreign and unfamiliar. John Mayer definitely didn’t name his song correctly when he said, Your Body is a Wonderland” Because, girl, there is no feeling of wonderment when your body has been ravaged by cancer and copious amounts of medications.

No one prepares you to feel unattractive and undesirable. Drains, weight gain, muscle loss, grey skin, bad breath. Now let’s take into account the side effects of some cancer treatments including pain during intercourse, loss of sex drive, vaginal dryness, loss of sensation, and of course fatigue. This sounds like an amazing recipe for “Sexy time” Doesn’t it?

According to a recent study an estimated 90 percent of the 6 million female cancer warriors in the United States suffer from intimacy issues. This is a difficult topic, that is often a question I receive in my inbox. Why are we so afraid of having these conversations? Sex isn’t an evil word, nor should it be seen that way. Intimacy is a beautiful and natural part of a relationship and when your body feels foreign, sex can as well.

For my husband and I, we had a very active sex life before cancer. I’m not embarrassed to say it, as a matter of fact I am proud of it. Sex is such a taboo topic for a lot of people, and we are often made to feel insecure about it. Which is why it is so difficult to have these discussions with our health care team and often our partner. It’s very personal and it’s different for everyone. As is the course of treatment and how you feel about your body post cancer diagnosis.

I was so disgusted with my body, I lived in velour tracksuits, in the dead of summer heat to hide the way I looked. I wouldn’t set foot into a clothing store, let alone buy something to help make me feel sexy. Until an August day, the hottest day of the summer, when my husband’s car broke down and I had to drive in the velour tracksuit with no AC, I had an epiphany. I was so miserable with being miserable I knew I needed to change it. The next day I entered a plus size store for the first time. Greeted by a sales woman who was more than happy to help my lost soul search for clothes. As I entered the dressing room on the verge of tears trying on outfits, the sales woman asked me to step outside the dressing room so she could see. Little by little my confidence was being built by a woman I had just met. She honestly had no idea how much she helped me that day.

I know how truly blessed I am to have an amazing husband who is and was willing to go the extra lengths to help me find the lost woman who couldn’t bear to look at herself in the mirror.

Excited by my new clothing choices I asked to wear an outfit home. With new clothes in tote, I headed home to my awaiting husband. As I walked through the door he very excitedly said, “There’s my wife.” Unknowingly in that moment he wasn’t speaking about my appearance, he was speaking to the smile on my face and my head that was finally held high. Within a few minutes we were celebrating with some “sexy time.” As we laid on the bed talking for a few hours after our “sexy time” he explained to me how much he missed my self-esteem. He fell in love with the woman who never second guessed her sexuality and sensuality. Who felt comfortable in her own skin. He wanted her back and didn’t know how to tell me without hurting me. So instead he wanted to show me. He took my hand and led me to our full length mirror. I was still dressed in my bra and a shirt, as I hadn’t been comfortable being fully undressed. He then undressed me and made me truly look at the woman staring back. He told me to list everything I loved about myself. This took a while, as I no longer thought about loving the true me. Every scar, every lump and bump. I had to take a hard look and realize my body changed. It wasn’t the hideous looking creature I had made up in my own mind, I was still me. Just different. Bare bones, nothing to hide by a velour tracksuit. At that moment I witnessed the shift. It took a saleswomen, my husband, and a mirror to realize I was still in there, just a bit lost.

I know how truly blessed I am to have an amazing husband who is and was willing to go the extra lengths to help me find the lost woman who couldn’t bear to look at herself in the mirror. I recognize that some of you may not have a significant other to pull you from the depths of despair at times. But I assure you, others will. Our community is strong and we continue to be a source of love and strength for our warrior sisters.

Dr Fabianna Marie

Dr. Fabianna Marie is a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in BioPhenotype (The unique Biochemistry of every individual) and Homeopathic Medicine. Dr. Fabianna is a 14 year Metastatic Breast Cancer thriver, an award winning author and national speaker. Her writing has graced the pages of Women’s Day, Vegetarian times, Raw Food Magazine, Yahoo, The Mighty, and many others. Dr. Fabianna is the recipient of the 2017, 2018, & 2019 National Association of Professional Women, Woman of the Year Award, for her contribution to empower women in business.

This conversation is important. Sexuality and body positivity is hard. It is even harder during and after Cancer. If you don’t feel comfortable having this talk with your doctor, reach out to a warrior who has been in your shoes and can offer understanding. Have the conversations with your significant other and be open to how you are feeling, and what you need from them. Feeling sexy comes from within, but it sure does help when your partner can say and do things to spur it along.

No one goes unscathed after a cancer diagnosis. And while we are all different and our course of treatment is different, we all feel wounded. We all feel like we lost many pieces of ourselves. When that happens remember to look in the mirror and practice self-love. You take your power back as soon as you accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what is to come.

Until next time, Fabulous Fighters, Xoxo - Dr. Fab