PD_2007

Vol 20 No 1

PURELY DICTA

2007

Well I remember I remember dont worry How could I ever forget It’s the first time The last time We ever met But I know the reason Why you keep your silence up No you don’t fool me The hurt doesnt show But the pain still grows It’s no stranger to you or me DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM BUM PAH BOOM I can feel it Coming in the air tonight Oh lord...

VOLUME 20 NUMBER 1 2007

FOREWORD As We See It The Editors

ARTICLES

The Real High Court

Gareth Redenbach

Seasoned Veterans: The Grey Plight of the Later-Year Law Student Taboka Finn An Excerpt From Behind Closed Doors

P D

Ian Callinan & Gareth Redenbach Get to Know ALSA: The Australian Law Students Association Meng-Xi Hu Introduction to the Melbourne Law School Careers Service Angela Edwards The Devil’s Dictionary Ambrose Bierce Innocence Lost: A Disappointing End to a Unique Subject Amanda Burnnard & Sean Vagg Human Rights Finally Taking Off: The Human Rights Arts & Film Festival Agata Wierzbowski dreamlarger Julienne Hortle

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Seasonal Encounters Chevlin Lee

REVIEWS Meet the Profession Cocktail Night

DIC

Joel Tito Law Ball Responsible Robert The Melbourne Law Revue: It’s 2007, Where’s My Shit?

Max Pryde Paterson

(2007) 20 DIC Cellbox Studios.

Soccered: LSS v CSS Soccer Taboka Finn

IN KEEPING WITH LSS POLICY ON SWEARING, THE EDITORS OF PURELY DICTA HAVE CONTRIBUTED $27.85 TO THE LSS SWEAR JAR IN RESPECT OF THIS PUBLICATION. WE’RE BLEEDING FOR YOU, FUCKERS. EDS.

ALL OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBUTOR(S) AND DO NOT REFLECT THOSE OF THE LSS, ITS SPONSORS OR MELBOURNE UNIVERSITY. WHERE POSSIBLE, ALL SOURCES HAVE BEEN ACKNOWLEDGED. IF YOU FEEL YOU’VE BEEN RIPPED OFF OR MISREPRESENTED IN THIS THING, GET IN TOUCH WITH US AND OUR PEOPLE WILL TALK TO YOUR PEOPLE AND WE’LL WORK SOMETHING OUT. NO SERIOUSLY, BEFORE SUING, CALL US. PLEASE. IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT AN OFFICIAL PUBLICATION OF THE MELBOURNE UNIVERSITY LAW REVIEW, NOR WILL IT GRANT YOU ACCESS TO THE RED ZONE AT APEC.

FOREWORD AS WE SEE IT THE EDITORS* [2007. Year 2007 (MMVII) is the current year, a common year starting on Monday of the Gregorian calendar and the AD/CE era in the 21st Century. The year is usually pronounced as "two thousand and seven" or "two thousand seven"; however, some people prefer "twenty ohseven" (as per the convention for 1907) or simply as "oh-seven". Well fucking thanks, Wikipedia. Brilliant stuff.]

I GROWING ESTEEM: THE END

OF THE

E Q U I TA B L E E R A

Tertiary education is back on the agenda. Despite Dean Crommelin’s assertions to the contrary,1 it seems education might in fact be a vote winner in ‘07 (or at least somebody in the dark castles of Canberra thinks so). The introduction of a Higher Education Endowment Fund in this year’s budget will see $340 million a year pumped into the tertiary sector and a complete removal of all caps on the number and cost of full-fee places. The President of the Vice-Chancellors association was overjoyed, albeit somewhat surprised, with the sudden attention.2 And why wouldn’t he be? The past eleven years have seen the Universities choked to a point where, because of what appears to be a contumelious disregard for the notion of equitable access to education, it is now all but impossible to discern any sense of the University of Melbourne as a public institution. The introduction of full-fee places, the raising of the cap on the full-fee places and prices, the Melbourne Model: you would be forgiven for thinking that we are getting closer and closer to an American style of tertiary education, where access to quality education is contingent upon your bank balance first and merit second.

We should not make the mistake of thinking the Vice-Chancellors Association represents our interests. They do not. They are managers of the Universities, gatekeepers of the sacred coffers of once-public institutions.

At this stage it would be naïve to imagine that they might prize access and 1 2

* Not the shitty band.

Dean Michael Crommelin, Meeting with the Law Students’ Society regarding the implementation of Growing Esteem, Semester 2, 2006.

Farrah Tomazin and Adam Morton, ‘The Buck Stops Here’, The Age, 10 May 2007, 13.

I

equity above a nice, fat bottom line. They can’t. As insidious federal ministers push their vile agenda of making education a private interest rather than a universal right, Universities must make ever-difficult decisions about where they draw their income from. They know it won’t be from this government, who year after year continue to hack away at the operating grant they provide for each CSP tertiary student. So the gatekeepers turn to full-fee students to stay afloat, even if that means sacrificing the University’s ideals.

We don’t have enough space to address the inherent equity problems associated with full-fee places here. Suffice to say that not only do they provide a substantial mechanism for further privileging the privileged, but they also represent a significant barrier for those who don’t have chasms for pockets. In practice, for a limited course such as Law, an increase in full-fee places means a corresponding decrease in normal places. Given that the Melbourne Model appears unsustainable without a vast majority of full-fee places, you can see why we are uneasy about it.

Most students we have spoken to agree that the model may well have pedagogical benefits over our current system. It might even iron out some of the problems associated with the current system of entry to the law school, namely, that it won’t matter whether you had the opportunity to go to an expensive private school and have an excellent IB or ENTER score spoon fed to you anymore, because it’s your results as an undergrad at Uni (which, prima facie, is a more level playing field) that count. We make this point because we would like to emphasise that we’re not criticising Growing Esteem for kicks. We acknowledge the benefits associated with shifting to the Melbourne Model. However, such benefits are arguably worthless in educational terms if they are predicated on a system where most students will be forced to pay astronomical amounts to gain access to it and where meritorious students may not have access to a course for which they are eminently suited and capable.

Essentially, we feel that this process has been approached in a completely backwards fashion. If you want to change the way you educate law students, great. But before you do anything, make sure that, at the very least, the changes will not introduce greater inequality into higher education than already exists. This means not relying on pipe dreams about the building of the largest scholarship fund ever and instead lobbying the government, informing them that your ‘largedream’ is contingent on the reversal of their eleven years of spiteful disregard for the tertiary sector. The Dean emphasised that education is simply not a vote winner and that any such lobbying is fruitless. The announcement in this year’s budget seems to indicate II

otherwise. Let’s hope that we’re not so far down the American path that we can’t see where we came from, where education was once regarded as a universal right and not a private interest.

II THE MELBOURNE UNIVERSITY LSS: DIMINISHING RETURNS In the elections for the 2007 / 2008 committee the following positions were elected unopposed: President Treasurer Activities Vice Presidents Careers Vice Presidents Women’s Officer Queer Officer Mature Age Representative.

No nominations were received for the position of Final Year Representative.

Your editors include three of the longest-serving LSS committee members, with thirteen years LSS experience between us. We have never seen that level of disinterest. In the early 2000s, it was rare for any position to be uncontested.

This year’s result is concerning, particularly in light of the fact that the LSS faces substantial uncertainty next year over the ‘Melbourne Model’ transition and may struggle to remain relevant given the absence of a cohort of eager first year students, traditionally the lifeblood of LSS activities.

This year, you could sort of feel the waning interest coming though. PTNs are now essentially a thing of the past as attendance sunk to incredibly low levels. Which leads us to ask, why? Is it because of the make-up of the committee? Is it a shift in new students’ consciousness? What is going wrong?

We are reluctant to point fingers. One fact that is very clear, however, is the shift in tone of LSS management over the last couple of years. Where the LSS was once weighted towards later-year students, often with several years experience on the LSS and a genuine passion for student life, we are now seeing committees made up largely of younger students who regard the LSS as a sort of professionally-oriented organisation. Rather than being directed toward the students who comprise its members and are the main users of LSS services, the LSS committee is paying greater attention to the corporate law firms, who provide sponsorship money, and the law faculty, III

who wield the unspoken threat of reduced student liberties and student access.

Ultimately, this problem is one of culture: where the current committee has sought to implement a corporate-style culture of responsibility, productivity, commitments and deadlines, it has instead succeeded in removing the fundamental motivating factor of the student organization – fun. By trying to become professional, the LSS has become work. And to an eighteenyear-old fresh from high school and ready to live the uni lifestyle, work is not interesting. Neither is the LSS. At least, not anymore.

I I I G L O B A L WA R M I N G : A S O L U T I O N By now everybody accepts that we’re ruining the earth and we need to do something fast to save our sorry arses and the planet. If you disagree with any of that, then put this publication down. Now. Fuck off. We don’t want you reading this thing you swine. Give your copy to somebody else and go and put your head in an oven and set it to 300 degrees.

There are a number of things to worry about, but rising sea levels has been touted as one of the most serious concerns given the volume of people living in low-lying coastal areas. Some of the suggested methods to combat such problems include ratifying Kyoto, carbon trading and changing the way we consume and live. But one of our friends, Sam, has come up with the most genius plan ever to combat rising sea levels. He calls it the bath principle. If you want to decrease the level of the sea, take the big shit out.

What’s the easiest way to do that? Stop opposing whaling, he says. Those things are massive. Take 5000 of them out of the water and we’re laughing.

Simple.3 I V P U R E LY D I C TA : P U R E LY F U C K E D Now for a personal whinge. We barely got any submissions for this thing.

It certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. We sent emails, posted on the LSS website and asked friends to write. And we got pretty much fuck nothing.

The result is we’ve had to publish almost everything that was submitted, even if we would’ve preferred greater choice. So if you’re reading an article and feel the need to cringe or complain, then let that be a lesson to you.

Next time there’s a call for submissions, don’t ignore it. Submit, lest you suffer the pain of a poor edition of Purely Dicta next year.

3 If you think this is a serious suggestion or that it is a tenable solution, refer to the comments

above regarding the oven.

IV

That said, this edition certainly isn’t pure trash. There are some quality articles littered throughout. We chose to adopt the format of the Melbourne University Law Review, which is a fantastic publication put together by a bunch of super nice people who we all love (please don’t sue). It should be noted that all articles contained in this issue are the views of their individual contributor(s) and do not necessarily represent those of the Melbourne University LSS, its sponsor(s), members, the Melbourne University Law School or the University of Melbourne. It’s a student magazine. Don’t sue.

Finally, we must apologise for the delay in getting this publication to print. We know you guys expect more editions, more often but we really did have our hands tied. This was for two reasons. The first was the lack of articles. For the first six months of the year we simply could not print anything other than stuff we had written ourselves, and after a few pages of just us, we’re pretty sure you would’ve had enough. We thought about adopting the ILSS’ strategy and introducing a limit of 75 words for all articles, but we decided that you can’t really call any submission with a word count lower than three figures anything other than a limerick. So we had to sit and wait for the submissions to trickle in. And that took time.

Lots. Thus the delay. The second reason was that one of our fellow editors pissed off to Greece in the middle of the year and we’ve been struggling to get him back into the office to lend a hand. Apparently he’ll be back in a month, but a lot of good that’ll do us. Thanks for nothing, Tony.

Eds.

Editors, 2007 (left to right): Angus Christophersen, Joel Tito, Tony, Taboka Finn V

THE REAL HIGH COURT GARETH REDENBACH* [Tort Law – Duty of Care – Whether land owner owes duty to occupants – Whether publican owes a duty to monitor patron’s consumption of alcohol – Whether, as a corollary of the duty to monitor alcohol consumption, publican is entitled to ridicule patrons who are not pulling their weight – Whether calling a patron a ‘lightweight little girl’ falls within publican’s entitlement to ridicule – Whether the fact that the patron was a female jockey alters any determination regarding appropriateness of the comment – Whether anybody cares – Whether, in any case, anybody gives a hoot if Kirby dissents again – Go on, Michael, we dare you – Seriously, do it – Enjoy the minority, clown]

CONTENTS I II III IV

V

VI

*

It's Close to Midnight ........................................................................................ 1 A Something Evil's Lurking in the Dark .................................................. 1 Under the Moonlight ......................................................................................... 2 A You See a Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart.................................... 2 You Try to Scream ............................................................................................. 2 A But Terror Takes the Sound Before You Make It ................................. 3 You Start to Freeze ............................................................................................ 3 B As Horror Looks you Right Between Your Eyes.................................. 3 1 You're Paralysed ....................................................................... 3 Because This is Thriller ..................................................................................... 4 A Thriller Night ........................................................................................ 4 B And No One's Going to Save You From the Beast About to Strike ..................................................................................................... 4 You Know It's Thriller ....................................................................................... 4 A Thriller Night ........................................................................................ 5 B You're Fighting for Your Life .............................................................. 5 1 Inside a Killer ........................................................................... 5 2 Thriller ..................................................................................... 5 3 Tonight ..................................................................................... 5

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I P R E - M AT C H Originally, Australian courts were influenced by the rules and precedents of the English Court System. However, long before the Australia Act, the allegiances of the Australian Courts had begun to look across the Pacific to the United States of America. One unique aspect of American jurisprudence intrigued the justices: the American Supreme Court tradition of deciding cases not based upon their legal merits, but upon a game of basketball.

Teams are divided between the Justices supporting the plaintiff and Justices supporting the defendant. The MVP for the winning team gets to write the leading opinion, and it is not uncommon to find trash talk from the game making it into the pages of the CLR. Teams are normally static, although Kirby J complained loudly about McHugh J switching sides mid-season, and sometimes even mid-game.

Certain teams have literally rewritten legal history with their unprecedented ability to dunk and dribble: the late 1980s team of Brennan, Gaudron, Deane, Toohey JJ lead by Mason CJ (Captain-Coach Justice) were known as the 'Implied Rights Globetrotters'. However, as he has said since retirement, Mason CJ was not in it for the cash but for 'the love of the game' and would occasionally lend or bench members of his team in order to ensure an exciting match for the QCs in attendance.

I I T H E C U R R E N T C O U RT In the mid-90s, games were fluid and engaging: 3-on-4 zone affairs in most cases. As the balance of the court swung towards more conservative players, there were attempts to counter this by appointing the asthmatic Gummow J. Whilst giving an undoubted 5-2 (or 4-3 if McHugh was feeling generous) numbers advantage, Gummow's respiratory limitations have seen him described as 'the worst player to ever pull on a wig and gown' and he has bagged the lowest number of MVPs in history. However, the appointment of Dyson Heydon and Susan Crennan JJ have made it clear that Chief Justice Gleeson does not have the same sense of sportsmanship that Mason

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CJ displayed in Mabo (No 2). Gleeson CJ has pioneered a new game strategy known as the Gleeson defensive zone when his opponents are in possession, demonstrated below:

This means that most games are over before they start, and consequentially of little interest to the average Purely Dicta reader. So, much like the cricket when it rains, we've decided to bring you a blow-by-blow account of the classic game Mabo v Queensland (No. 2).

III MABO

V

QUEENSLAND (NO 2)

This was a rematch of a late 1980s game abandoned due to poor court conditions. Although it was technically a 6-1 decision where it counted most, so goading was Dawson's smack talk in the lead up to the match that it convinced Mason CJ to allow it to be played as a 1-on-1 encounter out of respect for the ancient legal principles involved. What Dawson J didn't count on was Mason CJ not taking to the court himself (due to the clear one

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and half foot height advantage Dawson J held) but deferring the game to his main man 'Baby B', Justice Brennan.

This eagerly-anticipated game was Brennan J's coming-out party as a player. Dawson J's powerful drive to the hoop, and the spectacular reversidunk he developed to challenge the aphorism 'Liberal Party Appointees Can't Dunk', had been feared and revered since the Victorian minor leagues.

However, Brennan J knew that if he could force Dawson J outside the freethrow lines, his 0.13 three-point shooting average meant the game was as good as his. Despite Dawson J throwing everything at Baby B, there was a 21-9 scoreline heading into the final quarter. Dawson J, charged up by a phone-call from his mentor Barwick CJ, started the quarter with the ball. In what proved to be a match-ending moment, he rocketed off the half way line, bearing squarely down on the key. Four feet out from the hoop, he took to the air and began to turn into his signature reversi-dunk. The crowd knew that hitting the basket would revitalise Dawson back into the game. However, with his back turned in mid-flight, Dawson failed to see Brennan's defensive position. Mid-dunk, Dawson hit six feet of stone cold left-leaning Justice and crashed to the floor. As he pulled him from the deck, Brennan J was widely heard to remark "Darryl, we really must be careful not to fracture the skeletal principles of the law�, thus cementing this matchup as one of the classic moments in legal history. *This article was inspired by a piece of legal research by McSweeneys.

SEASONED VETERANS: THE GREY PLIGHT OF THE LATER-YEAR LAW STUDENT TABOKA FINN* [Nathan Buckley: a true veteran. Nathan Buckley was born in or near Adelaide, South Australia on July 26, 1972. Buckley was originally drafted by the Brisbane Bears before being traded to Collingwood for the 1994 season. Buckley proved to be a consistent performer for Collingwood, as well as winning the Brownlow Medal and finishing in the top 3 twice before the turn of the century. He was also named Collingwood's Best & Fairest 6 times in 10 years (including one tied) and spent 6 consecutive years in the All Australian Team from 1996 to 2001. On October 5th, 2007 Buckley announced his retirement from the game following a series of hamstring injuries.]

CONTENTS I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X

The Police....................................................................... Every Breath You Take Michael Jackson ................................................................................. Billie Jean Irene Cara .............................................................. Flashdance / What A Feeling Men At Work .................................................................................. Down Under Michael Jackson ....................................................................................... Beat It Bonnie Tyler ............................................................... Total Eclipse of the Heart Hall & Oates ......................................................................................... Maneater Patti Austin ............................................................................. Baby Come to Me Michael Sembello.................................................................................... Maniac Eurythmics ................................................... Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

I am currently stuck in no man's land; that grey space somewhere between my sixth and seventh year at university, somewhere between clerkships and articles, somewhere between dropping my law degree altogether and finishing my last nine subjects. Somewhere between becoming a lawyer or * Following her untimely death in 1994, Taboka Finn has become one of Ireland’s leading

poetic voices. Despite the inherently Irish flavour of her language, Finn is a universal poet, admired in every country and every other linguistic tradition. Her influence on contemporary poetry is immense.

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perhaps joining the circus (and somewhere between deciding whether there is much of a difference between the two).

So I stand in this space of morbid nameless mental grey, not aided by the physical grey I'm forced to endure every time I enter the law school.

Between trying to find out what I can do, where I can do it and what I want to do and where I want to do it.

I can't help thinking back to my bright eyed first and second year days, before my jaded and sarcastic dissatisfaction with the law became entrenched. I met a girl who was a year or two above me (and therefore both old and wise) who was fantastic and dare I say it, inspirational in a sense.

She was just different, different hair, bright clothes - something akin to a modern day hippy. She seemed fun, she wasn't interested in the corporate nature of Melbourne Uni, she expounded environmental issues and community ideals. Wow, look what a law degree can achieve. I was inspired. So much possibility, so many open doors!

A year or two later I ran into her one day in our drab grey building, in a matching drab grey suit. I was flabbergasted. Hair was pinned tightly back, all colour had somehow disappeared from her body, and in place of her comfy shoes and often rainbow sock adorned feet - plain, black, somewhat ugly, heels. The explanation for this bizarre and unwelcome behaviour? It was clerkship time. How does that explain the shedding of her personality and the donning of the grey? The one word 'clerkship' (and later 'articles') was supposed to be the logical explanation I was searching for. It became the 'excuse' for a variety of behavioural tendencies never seen before in previously interesting people. Now, when I try and think back to when I became disenchanted with the legal fraternity, moments like the one described just kept building up in the back of my mind.

And, okay, I'll admit, I'm there myself, looking at donning the grey and dancing the dance. I can see why she did it. The fact is, it’s impossible not to. But how can a business that so fundamentally limits the scope and personality of my person be the right choice for me? Should I even want to work somewhere where I'm so strictly prevented from colour or voice?

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Discussing my stressful thoughts at a family dinner one night, my uncle tells me another such story. Although not a lawyer, he was working in a finance company along the same illustrious 'legal strip' in the city. He made the mistake of one day arriving at work in a ... wait for it... blue (dun dun dun duuuuun) suit! He was actually pulled aside by his then boss and told that if not black or grey, the suit is an inappropriate color for the office.

Although today there is more scope for colour and life in what we can wear at work (soft pastels are allowed in men's shirts and even the occasional red scarf is seen adorning a woman's shoulders). The principle still stands.

Should I stop being me in order to get a job. And please don't be so trite to think that I attribute the whole of my person to what I wear (indeed if you've seen what I wear most days of the week, I think I'd have to be insulted if you did make such an assumption). I just think it’s an easily identifiable way of demonstrating the problem.

Lets face it, we all know where the clerkships and articles are at. And we all have some idea of what we will be giving up to work there. Whether you are taking the fact that you’re part of an organisation against duck hunting off your resume, or not taking offence to a question of why there is no 'men's officer', to laughing at a story about using binoculars to spy on a woman working in the building opposite, to giving up your work with the environment, animals, shelters - or to simply working from 6am to 8pm, seven days a week and being too tired to see friends or go out to dinner with a partner on the weekend.

Now my parents (who have some interest in me getting a job) to whom I am constantly raving about the injustice of it all, tell me it’s just the way it is and that I'm not selling my soul. But isn't that exactly what it is? How much do I have to give up, change, ignore, pretend before it is my soul that's sold. Perhaps it’s different for different people - indeed I have friends who love the grey, who love the hours, who came to University in their suit whenever they had the chance, who wear heels even when they're traipsing around the house. But I can't help feeling that my threshold is somewhat lower. I don't want to give up some of these things, I don't want to laugh when I'm offended, I don't want to fear expressing an opinion or joining a group or taking a subject that 'looks bad' on my resume (yes, I took Feminist Legal Theory, yes, it is and shall remain on my resume and yes, I've heard horror stories and known people who have removed it from their resumes).

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How can this not be my soul, how can what I think and feel, how I choose to express myself through words or actions, (or more visibly clothes) not be? The problem is, there is still a part of me that naively believes that lawyers should be for the people, that we are people and that we should be people. People aren't grey, their opinions do differ, they take subjects that interest them. But those people don't get articles.

AN EXCERPT FROM BEHIND CLOSED DOORS FOREWORD BY GARETH REDENBACH* [Justice Callinan was touted as the ‘capital c’ conservative appointment to the current High Court that Tim Fischer had gone to bed praying for every night since he was a child. But what does that mean? Surely such a determination is contingent upon context. If the word conservative is deployed as a proper noun – say to refer to a political party called the Conservative Party – or used at the start of a sentence then capitalising the word in such circumstances is acceptable. You cannot, however, go about capitalising adjectives like that willy-nilly, Tim. To do so is to throw our entire grammatical system into chaos. Maybe out in the country that’s acceptable, Tim, but out here in the big smoke, we just don’t fiddle with linguistic conventions like that. Call us conservative, but we feel that it’s just too dangerous.]

CONTENTS1 I II III IV V VI

Graham Chapman.............................................................................................. 1 John Cleese........................................................................................................ 1 Terry Gilliam ..................................................................................................... 2 Eric Idle ............................................................................................................. 3 Terry Jones ........................................................................................................ 3 Michael Palin..................................................................................................... 3

I FOREWORD One of the glitterati of the Australian prose scene, Ian has made a name for himself with his novels based upon the high-flying exploits of some of the world's elite. Financial wheelers and dealers, and highly cultured reprobates from the Art world feature prominently. Exotic locations are also common, with his most recently published novel – Appointment at Amalfi – set in Italy. It concerns a film director, and his reflections on the success of his career and illicit loves. Quite a few illicit loves. In fact, as with his three preceding novels, Ian's writing in Amalfi focuses heavily on the old 'in out, in out'.

Ian's prose is commonly classified as 'erotic fiction', or more clearly as 'a literary nasty'. It's because of this that we are particularly 'excited' to bring you a sneak peek at his latest work, 'Behind Closed Doors'. And before you * BA, BSc, LLB (Melb); Former Activities Vice-President of the Law Students’ Society, when it was an organisation that was worth hanging around.

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conservative types complain about this filth appearing in a law student magazine, remember that most of you have read Ian's work before. You just read it under his pseudonym, Justice Callinan of the High Court of Australia. Enjoy.

II BEHIND CLOSED DOORS IAN CALLINAN His Honour had summoned Counsel to his chambers after a particularly disruptive outburst. She strode into the room, her eyes afire like light reflecting from two clearly distinguished and independently controlled fishing pools on the Mer Islands leading inexorably to the conclusion of a pre-existing system of proprietary rights. As a man of much admired judicial discretion, His Honour tried in good faith to restrain his rising passion. But once he was served with notice of her heaving bosom and long golden hair, he could frustrate himself no longer and his lust filed an appearance. His Honour threw himself upon Counsel. Her mouth cried 'estoppel!', but her eyes said proceed. She knew she could not exercise her proprietary right to exclude his love. It was a passion born of courtly foreplay, and now neither of them had the intention of coming before equity with clean hands.

GET TO KNOW ALSA: THE AUSTRALIAN LAW STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION MENG-XI HU* [During routine surveillance of some drug smugglers, Crockett and Tubbs see something strange -- a drug deal where the money changes hands, but the drugs don't. They follow the man who handed over the money, a smuggler named Robert Morales, to a yacht, where they see what appears to be a woman tied up inside. Morales goes on board the yacht, which explodes seconds later. Morales, miraculously, survives, but his captive wife does not.]

CONTENTS I II III

Cut a Hole in the Box ........................................................................................ 1 Put Your Junk in that Box ................................................................................. 2 Make Her Open the Box.................................................................................... 3 A Over at Your Parent’s House ....................................................................... 3 B Midday in the Grocery Store ....................................................................... 4 C Backstage at the CMA-hey-hey-heys ........................................................... 4

It is perhaps expected that nobody knows what ALSA is. It is perhaps more expected that even less people have any idea as to what ALSA does.

So to alleviate your obviously curious mind as to the purpose of this noble institution, I’ll attempt to dive under the shrouds of its unintentionally wellkept mystery.

ALSA, otherwise and less widely known as the Australian Law Students Association, proclaims itself as the peak representative body for law students across Australia. It consists of representatives from almost every law school across the Australia (and New Zealand), who come together three times a year to discuss and debate issues of education and policy in the * Mengxi is really cool. Like, I heard one time that she was at this party? And there was this

guy. He was pretty cool but his ex was there too, but she was with this guy, so we were like ‘whatever’. Anyway, Mengxi was talking to him and he was all ‘heyyy’ and she was like ‘uh-huh’ and he was like ‘so’ and it was on like Donkey Kong. But then like later? I saw her and she was all ‘what-ever’. I swear, she is like so cool.

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way only law students can. It holds an annual conference in differing location every July, where the best of the best in mooting, witness, negotiation, client interview and IHL battle it out to be crowned king or queen of their particular field. The conference also presents an array of seminars, forums and presentations on issues affecting law students, as well as a myriad of social functions to allow members of different universities to get to know each other. I mean really get to know each other.

Officially, ALSA has a two-fold mission: to facilitate inter-varsity knowledge sharing and represent the position and interests of law students across Australia. Unofficially, it succeeds primarily as a body for various LSS groups to interact, question and support each other, as well as providing the forum to stage arguably the most competitive and highly regarded national law school competitions. It is in its second function that the role of ALSA seems increasingly redundant.

Googling ALSA, one comes up with Advanced Linex Sound Architecture, and then realises one hasn’t got the relevant ‘Australia’ filter on. Even on the international scale, however, it generally makes it into the top five hits.

ALSA has recently extended its purview to participate in the European Law Students’ Society with views in creating an Asian-Pacific equivalent. Yet the question remains as to whether it can or should try to promote itself as being definitively representative of all Australian law students. For the 28,000 who are rumoured to be out there, only a minute proportion has ever heard of ALSA. Granted, the ALSA council consists of LSS presidents and other student body representatives from (theoretically) every university, but without any wider student body consultation, how can the views and objectives of ALSA really be representative of the student population at large rather than simply reflecting the personal views held by individual council members?

Secondly, the role of ALSA as a political lobby group seems to fall far short of what its mission statement contends. While obtaining some media coverage and high-end consultation, it has little other influence over formulation of educational policy or reforms. The recent Melbourne Model debate is illustrative of the function of ALSA as only a theoretical forceafter many days of heated debate on the issue over two separate council meetings, council has yet to come to a consensus on what ALSA’s stance on

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the issue should be, if indeed ALSA should take a stance, and still lacks the necessary information on which to base their decisions. Not only was it unable to influence any step of Melbourne University’s implementation of the scheme, it seems unlikely to affect the view of other universities in their decision of whether to follow suit other than providing a database of information from which to draw their own conclusions.

Perhaps this is both ALSA’s greatest strength and weakness. While it may never adequately represent the needs of law students nationally or indeed internationally, it provides an unparalleled opportunity for the pooling of knowledge amongst university law schools that may otherwise never cross paths. As ALSA delegate for Melbourne University this year, I know that our own LSS has not only profited through interaction with others in different areas, but also been able to assist other law student bodies by our greater experience and resources. If this is truly the main benefit that our student organizations derive from such a body, perhaps it is time that ALSA turned its objectives inward rather than attempting to fight a war in which they are barely regarded as participants.

INTRODUCTION TO THE MELBOURNE LAW SCHOOL CAREERS SERVICE ANGELA EDWARDS* CONTENTS I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII

In the Air Tonight .............................................................................................. 1 This Must be Love............................................................................................. 2 Behind the Lines................................................................................................ 3 The Roof is Leaking .......................................................................................... 4 Droned ............................................................................................................... 5 Hand in Hand .................................................................................................... 6 I Missed Again .................................................................................................. 7 You Know What I Mean.................................................................................... 8 Thunder and Lightning ...................................................................................... 9 I'm Not Moving ............................................................................................... 10 If Leaving Me is Easy ..................................................................................... 11 Tomorrow Never Knows / Over the Rainbow (hidden) .................................. 12

In October 2005 Melbourne Law School appointed its first ever Legal Careers Consultant. My name is Angela Edwards and I am available to work with law students on all aspects of your career decisions. I have a law degree and I qualified as a lawyer myself. I worked in the legal recruitment industry for a number of years in Melbourne and London, as well as in another university law school as their careers adviser. I also hold a post graduate qualification in career education and development.

I am available to meet with you individually to discuss job seeking skills, articles applications, alternatives to legal practice and your career directions generally.

* Angela Edwards is awesome. Really. You should go and see her for some careers advice.

Eds

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[Dunlop Vol ley

I also work with Program Managers, academic staff, the Law Students’ Society and the University’s central Careers & Employment to develop career programs for law students. I invite a range of speakers to present on diverse topics such as working at the Department of Foreign Affairs & Trade, as a lawyer in Hong Kong and London and undertaking practical legal training as an alternative to Articles. This year I’ve also sourced speakers who have moved on to non-practising roles such as legislative drafting, working in the music industry and as a journalist. Law students at all year levels are welcome to attend these events. Look out for flyers around the Law School and see the Law School Careers website http://careers.law.unimelb.edu.au for details of these events.

I also work with law firms and other organisations to source employment opportunities for students and graduates and advertise them on the Law School Careers website. One of my current projects involves collaborating with the Victorian Bar to source work experience opportunities for students with practising barristers. This project is due to be launched in 2007. Look out for further details of this and other upcoming events on the Law School Careers Newsletter which I email to all students on a monthly basis.

From my time in legal recruitment I know that a law degree from Melbourne Law School is highly valued by employers. However your law degree does not stand in isolation when it comes to making those all important career decisions. A law degree can take you in so many directions, both in practising and non-practising roles and it is important to do some self analysis at an early stage in your degree. What is important to you? Status? Earning a high salary? Making a difference to individuals?

Working on high profile transactions? Working in a team environment?

Having lots of responsibility from the outset? Fighting on behalf of the underdog? Having lots of client contact? Standing up in court?

Of course, not all jobs satisfy all these aspects. To better position yourself when it comes to deciding where to apply at the end of your degree, get some experience – and get as wide a variety of experience as possible.

Volunteer at a community legal centre, work as receptionist/legal researcher at your local high street firm specialising in plaintiff work, do some paralegal work at a large commercial firm, shadow a barrister and attend

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18

court‌ The more insights you can obtain into the different ways you can use your law degree, the better.

Everyone knows that the competition for Articles places is fierce and not everyone with a law degree will go on to practise law. Instead many will take the valuable skills they developed through studying the discipline, into interesting roles in corporations, government and education both here and overseas.

Everyone knows that the competition for Articles places is fierce and not everyone with a law degree will go on to practise law. Instead many will take the valuable skills they developed through studying the discipline, into interesting roles in corporations, government and education both here and overseas.

I am situated in Room GM24 on the Mezzanine Level (at the opposite end to the UGS office) and may be contacted on 03 8344 9773 or email: a.edwards@unimelb.edu.au. To book a careers appointment with me, please do so via the UGS Office on the Mezzanine Level or the Graduate Studies Administration Office on Level 6 as appropriate.

Please also visit the Law http://careers.law.unimelb.edu.au.

I look forward to working with you.

School

careers

website

at

THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY AMBROSE BIERCE* CONTENTS I II III IV V VI

Introduction ..................................................................................................... 19 The F Word ...................................................................................................... 19 The C-S Word .................................................................................................. 20 The M-F Word ................................................................................................. 20 The S Word ...................................................................................................... 20 The C Word ..................................................................................................... 21

I INTRODUCTION The President has banned swearing in the LSS Office. Accordingly, Purely Dicta has decided to present a range of non-profane substitutions that will get the message across without the risk of financial forfeiture.

II THE F WORD A Fist This makes an appropriate and amusing substitution. Possible usages include: ‘UGS are fisting me around again.’

‘I'm still fisted from last night.’

‘You want me to put money in the swear jar? Go fist yourself.’

* Ambrose Bierce is a gentleman of unusual proclivities and remarkable appetites. His

opinions may or may not be the opinions of some or all of the LSS or of the Purely Dicta editorial team.

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III THE C-S WORD A Corkstopper Although this does not imply a meaning precisely similar to the much feted original, it does imply a tightness with money. Thus, it may be substituted when a term of general disaffection or emotion with a particular cadence is required, rather than as a descriptor for one who seeks rewards through deference to authority. Suggested usages include: ‘Some corkstopper stole my coffee from Level 2.’

‘Mallesons are a bunch of corkstoppers.’

‘Hand me the keys, you fisting corkstopper.’

Note: Probably not suitable for use in restaurants.

I V T H E M- F W O R D A Sisterfister This is potentially an improvement on the original in terms of both humour and derision. Serving suggestions include: ‘This Evidence exam is a real sisterfister.’

‘I want these Sisterfisting First Years off this Sisterfisting Plane.’

‘SISTERFISTER!!!’

V THE S WORD A Shunt Meaning to forcibly push aside, this is an appropriate analogue to an action formerly described by the S swear-word. It may also be used as a contraction of two previously commonly used swear words, thus saving you both time and money!

Unfortunately, it can involve a change in tense and is not necessarily recommended for beginners. Perhaps work your way through the first few words suggested in the Devil's Dictionary before adapting 'shunt' into your everyday expletive expressions. Suggested usage:

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[Vol uptuous

‘No Swearing? That's shunty.’

‘I’m really shunted off by this no swearing rule.’

‘My lecturer is giving me the shunts.’

Contracted form: ‘UGS are a bunch of shunts.’

VI THE C WORD Try substituting the name of any person whose name starts with 'C' that you have a strong quarrel with. As well as saving precious money from the swear jar, this will also prove particularly soothing. For example: ‘Which Christine decided to ban swearing in the office?’

An unhappy litigant before Perry J in the Supreme Court of Adelaide

Note: All instances of the word ‘cunt’ have been redacted from the above document for the reader’s comfort.

INNOCENCE LOST: A DISAPPOINTING END TO A UNIQUE SUBJECT AMANDA BURNNARD & SEAN VAGG* CONTENTS I II III IV V VI VII VIII

Introduction ..................................................................................................... 23 What is an Innocence Project? ........................................................................ 24 The University of Melbourne Innocence Project ............................................ 24 Working on the Cases ...................................................................................... 25 A Unique Subject ............................................................................................ 26 Innocence Lost ................................................................................................ 28 Looking to the Future: The Innocents Foundation .......................................... 30 Related Information........................................................................................ 31

I INTRODUCTION From April 2005 until April 2007, the University of Melbourne was home to the Innocence Project: a group of students working with legal professionals to investigate post-appeal claims of wrongful conviction in Victoria.

The Project provided students with an invaluable opportunity for practical learning and promoted greater confidence in the criminal justice system throughout the wider community. Most importantly, it provided convicted persons who felt that they had been wronged by the trial process with the opportunity to have their cases re-examined.

This is the story of the University of Melbourne Innocence Project: its teachers, its students, its applicants, and its future.

I I W H AT

IS AN

INNOCENCE PROJECT?

An Innocence Project is a non-governmental organisation which investigates claims of factual innocence once all appeal avenues have been * Amanda and Sean participated in the University of Melbourne Innocence Project in 2006.

The views expressed are theirs entirely, except where attributed to other students. Other students’ contributions to this article are gratefully acknowledged.

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exhausted. The investigation of a case by an Innocence Project team may ultimately lead to the quashing of a conviction, a pardon, or a reference to the Court of Appeal. As there are few alternative available in Australia for the post-appeal reinvestigation of cases, an Innocence Project often represents the final bastion of hope for the wrongfully convicted.

Despite the safeguards of the adversarial criminal justice system, including its strict rules of evidence, large numbers of innocent people continue to be convicted. This has been made more apparent by the advent of DNA technology, which has lead to the exoneration of hundreds of people who served time for crimes they did not commit.

One response to this was the establishment of the first university-based Innocence Project by Barry Scheck and Peter Neufeld, of the Cardozo School of Law at Yeshiva University in New York, in 1992. Cardozo students work with full time lawyers to assist in the exoneration of innocent people in prison, some of whom are on death row. To date, 201 people have been exonerated in the United States with the aid of DNA testing.

III THE UNIVERSITY

OF

MELBOURNE INNOCENCE PROJECT

This model of Innocence Project was established in Australia in 2001, when Queensland practitioners Chris Nyst and Jason Murakami co-founded the Griffith University Innocence Project with Lynne Weathered, a lecturer at the Griffith Law School. To date, the Griffith Project has assisted in the exoneration of one person from a rape conviction. It has also brought about changes to legislation and criminal procedure, and raised awareness of wrongful conviction issues in the community.

In 2005, the University of Melbourne’s Law School introduced a pilot Innocence Project, to run for two years, with the support of the Victorian legal community. The Project would be offered to students as a practical, semester-long subject. Students would work on cases in teams, in an office within the law building. Their work was overseen by the Project’s Director, Ms Vanessa Stafford, who had been involved with the Griffith Project, and Mr Ben Ihle, a Victorian barrister who provided advice and instruction to students on a pro bono basis.

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Prior to the commencement of the semester, Innocence Project students attended a week of intensive lectures. These covered topics such as ballistics, Freedom of Information, DNA analysis, crime scene forensics, physical self-defence techniques, and the criminal justice process. Guest lecturers such as the Director of Public Prosecutions Paul Coghlan QC, ballistics expert Frank Lawton, defence barrister David Grace QC, the AttorneyGeneral Rob Hulls and police officers from the Victoria Police Forensic Services Department in Macleod shared their knowledge and experiences with students. Students were also introduced to the causes of wrongful conviction and the plight of wrongfully convicted Australians such as Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton, John Button, Frank Button and Andrew Mallard.

Once students received their cases (and were briefed by a team from the previous semester, if the case was an ongoing one), they were free to work on them in their own time. They met with each other and Vanessa as necessary, and each week reported on the progress of their cases to Vanessa and Ben at a team meeting. Students were assessed on their file work and on their case management skills in addition to a research essay and personal reflection, which required them to consider the broader importance of their work with the Project and the experiences they had as a result.

IV WORKING

ON THE

CASES

The students investigated the applicants’ claims of wrongful conviction by re-examining crime scene photographs, perusing medical reports such as autopsies, comparing witness accounts in trial transcripts and police briefs, completing Freedom of Information requests to obtain further case materials, and contacting people who may not have come forward as witnesses at the time of the trial. One team even visited H.M. Barwon Prison to personally interview an applicant, and others discussed their cases with the applicants’ previous legal practitioners. Still another case saw the pro bono services of a forensic criminologist used to profile both the offender’s characteristics and the nature of the crime scene to query whether another person could have been the perpetrator.

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The cases themselves were eye-opening. Many involved convictions for murder or manslaughter, often with complicated factual scenarios and potentially more than one offender. In one case, the applicant was convicted of the shooting of two family members, and it was questionable whether he did indeed shoot both of them. Another involved the question of whether a fire was arson or an accident, necessitating extensive research into the way in which a fire spreads, the combustibility of various materials, and an understanding of complex expert evidence.

Participating in the Project provided students with an in-depth understanding of the operation of the criminal justice system. They acquired both oral and written communication skills, including the ability to translate complex ideas into plain English, and gained experience in working in teams, a skill not readily obtainable from most other law subjects. The students gained the ability to analyse physical evidence, paying close attention to detail, and learnt to consider alternative factual theories that corresponded to the evidence available in each case.

Students also became familiar with the obligations required of legal practitioners, such as keeping the applicants informed of the progress of their files, and their duty of confidentiality. They learnt to develop professional relationships with the applicants, remembering that their actions affected the lives of real people, who often had overly optimistic or unrealistic expectations about their cases that needed to be carefully managed. It was clear from the correspondence sent by the applicants to the student teams the extent to which their efforts were appreciated, and how much the applicants relied on the students’ correspondence to sustain their hope.

V A UNIQUE SUBJECT Almost all students who participated in the Innocence Project considered it a highlight of their degree, not only because of the practical skills acquired as outlined above, but because of the sense of community students gained from working towards a common goal.

Then, of course, there were the experiences unique to Innocence Project: the excitement of discovering new additions to the communally maintained office lolly jar, the frustration felt at listening to scratchy tapes of conversa-

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tions, the sheer despair at realising that page numbers 337-479 of the transcript were missing, and the group exhilaration experienced when a breakthrough occurred in a case after weeks of hard work.

The Project was at times difficult. It required long hours, and the performance of sometimes tedious tasks, such as reading hundreds of pages of trial transcript, or itemising case materials in the Project’s possession. It typically took a few weeks before students were sufficiently familiar with the contents of their cases before pursuing avenues for investigation.

Students sometimes wondered whether they could make a difference, given the limited time with which they were associated with the Project, and the slow-moving nature of the process of investigation. In one case, students were excited to discover that a particular blood spot had been marked ‘unknown’ in a particular report, only to find that its DNA matched that of their applicant.

Overall, however, students agreed that the subject was a fantastic experience. Many indicated that they would have continued the Project for an additional semester, had that opportunity been available. The quotes below illustrate how the Project challenged the way they thought, gave them opportunities they would not otherwise have had, and taught them lessons about law not present in any textbook.

‘The Innocence Project was an outstanding practical subject because it gave students an opportunity to work in teams and use their own initiative and creativity to analyse real cases of potential wrongful convictions in Victoria.’

‘Innocence Project was a fantastic insight into the practical workings and procedure of criminal law.’

‘Before the Innocence Project, I had never seen trial transcripts, or an autopsy report or a set of depositions - let alone known what they were!’

‘I used to think, you do the crime, you do the time, but the Project made me realise that there are so many shades of grey, and that people sometimes do slip through the cracks…It was one of the most positive experiences of my law degree, and I am certain that I will be a better lawyer one day because of it.’

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‘The Project is much more than an academic subject at law school. It is a well-rounded, practical subject that gives its participants such a broad, ‘birdseye’ perspective of the fallible criminal justice system and its imperfections, whilst giving hands-on experience in so many levels of the investigative process leading to exoneration.’

‘Amongst other things, we got to write letters to and correspond with prisoner applicants, family members and legal representatives; open and manage our own client files; and even request and receive exhibits’.

‘I believe that my skills in drafting correspondence have improved and that the practical experience will stand me in good stead for future Articles applications.’

VI INNOCENCE LOST Towards the end of Semester Two, 2006, it became evident that the Project would not be continued at the University of Melbourne beyond the 2007 Summer Semester. This surprised and dismayed many students, including those who had already worked on the Project and those who looked forward to completing the subject later in their degrees.

The students participating in Innocence Project at the time were particularly disappointed with the news. They organised a large meeting of past, present and prospective students to clarify the group’s concerns and decide how best to present them to the faculty. Awareness about the plight of the Project was raised within the law school, through both informal and formal means. An article was published in the Equality Handbook, and petitions of students who supported the Project and had intended to undertake it the following semester were compiled.

The Law Students’ Society offered their support, and with their assistance, a meeting was set up with representative members from faculty, the LSS and Innocence Project students. Prior to the meeting, a representative body of students compiled a formal submission to be presented to faculty.

The amount of work and the passion with which it was completed at a time just prior to the examination period demonstrated the heartfelt level at which students had engaged with the Project and were prepared to support it to the best of their collective ability. This was done in their own time, and as

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a result of students’ own initiative, without thought of academic advancement.

At the meeting, representatives from the law faculty explained that while the University of Melbourne supported the Project in essence, it was too disproportionately resource-intensive to be continued at the Law School.

Faculty also felt that there was insufficient student interest in the Project, although the student representatives believed that the slight under-enrolment was due more to a lack of awareness about the subject than disinterest. It was stated that the University would be happy to remain associated with the Project and contribute funds to it as a separate off-campus organisation, but that the Project could not continue in its previous form.

The student representatives who attended the meeting were very disappointed with the outcome. They felt that a decision had already been made without input from the student body, despite the submission they had prepared and the effort that had gone into organising the meeting. The students considered that had they been part of a consultative process much earlier, a wider range of solutions could have been found, such as the potential sponsorship of the Project by law firms, and greater promotion of the Project to the student body.

Regardless of the reasons for the Law School’s decision, many students were and still are disappointed with the abrupt manner in which the Project was wound up. Such late notification of the decision to discontinue the Project meant that mere weeks were provided in which to establish a successor in the form of an independent organisation. The only transitory solution offered was the continuation of Innocence Project into the 2007 summer semester. This was a stopgap measure and did not allow sufficient time to secure alternate funding, office premises and equipment, screen and train volunteers and relocate tonnes of physical files.

It also did not allow sufficient time to allow for the continuity of file work, or to promptly inform the applicants to the Project of the developments, and this was far more disturbing than any practical difficulties associated with establishing a new organisation. The potentially innocent applicants, their family members or their legal practitioners contacted the Innocence Project with the reasonable expectation that work would be carried out on their files in good faith. That their files are still caught up in

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bureaucracy – and gathering dust in the law building, awaiting ‘finalisation’ as we write - is unethical, unprofessional, and simply not good enough.

In taking on the Innocence Project, the University of Melbourne accepted responsibility for managing the expectations of its applicants and openly communicating with them about their files. The way in which the matter has been handled to date indicates a disregard for both this responsibility, and for the hours of effort put into the files by the dedicated students, legal professionals and academics who worked so hard on them. Furthermore, it remains uncertain whether the files will be referred to the Project in its proposed new form, the Innocents Foundation (see below) or whether they will be returned to applicants.

VII LOOKING

TO THE

F U T U R E : T H E I N N O C E N T S F O U N D AT I O N

Since the confirmation that the University would not continue Innocence Project beyond the 2007 Summer Semester, extensive efforts have been made by Vanessa Stafford and many others to establish the Innocents Foundation in Victoria. To date, attempts have been made to develop relationships with other universities, secure funding, and gain support from several high-profile organisations and individuals. A website has also been set up at http://www.innocents.org.au.

The Innocents Foundation promises to be a very exciting development for students, applicants and the Victorian criminal justice community alike. It is anticipated that the structural change will allow for community education into the causes of wrongful conviction and for the lobbying of government in relation to legislation reform criminal procedure laws, in addition to dayto-day casework. The Foundation, according to Vanessa Stafford, will aim to ‘reform, educate, and exonerate.’

The Foundation will probably function like a community legal centre, allowing law students – and potentially those from other disciplines – from Victoria’s universities to undertake clinical work in return for academic credit. As stated above, it is likely that the Innocents Foundation will remain affiliated to some extent with the Melbourne Law School, and it is hoped that it will receive some level of financial support from the University, as indicated at the meeting students attended with faculty.

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Those interested in contributing resources to the Foundation, getting involved or simply following its progress should continue to check http://www.innocents.org.au for ongoing and further details.

V I I I R E L AT E D I N F O R M AT I O N •

For further information on the New York Innocence Project and the causes of wrongful conviction, visit http://www.innocenceproject.org.

•

See also: Barry Scheck, Peter Neufeld and Jim Dwyer, Actual Innocence: Five Days to Execution, and Other Dispatches From the Wrongly Convicted, Doubleday, 2000.

•

For further information on the Griffith Innocence Project, visit http://www.griffith.edu.au/school/law/innocence/home.html

HUMAN RIGHTS FINALLY TAKING OFF: THE HUMAN RIGHTS ARTS AND FILM FESTIVAL AGATA WIERZBOWSKI* [We feel it necessary to assure our readership that we at Purely Dicta have not turned soft. We despise human rights as much as next as the next fellow, and we couldn’t care less how many of its own people China executes each year. So long as our kids have jobs and our economy is strong then fuck ‘em, that’s what we and the rest of Australia say. Unfortunately, the stinky leftleaning ideologues on the LSS have demanded that we publish one article concerning some form of social injustice or other similarly pissy cause. This is that article, in all of its selfrighteous glory.]

CONTENTS I

Appetisers

II

III

IV

*

1 Egg Roll .........................................................................$6.00ea 2 Steamed pacific black bean oysters (min 6)...................$3.50ea 3 Clear soup with duck wontons and green vegetables ..... $12.00 Fish ......................................................................................................................

A Crayfish ..................................................................................................

1 Whole crayfish with ginger sauce ....................... Seasonal price 2 Whole crayfish wok tossed in supreme stock ..... Seasonal price All crayfish dishes served with egg noodles B Prawns ....................................................................................................

1 Steamed king prawns with fresh garlic sauce ................ $36.00 2 Wok tossed prawns with garlic, topped with shallots ..... $37.50 3 Sautéed prawns with plum sauce, topped with pine nuts $39.00 Poultry .................................................................................................................

1 Boneless duck’s web and tongues with jellyfish............. $22.00 2 Sautéed chicken with mixed vegetables and cashew nuts $26.00 Pork......................................................................................................................

1 Tender pork chops, diced & served with Mandarin sauce$25.00 2 Minced pork in Sichuan sauce with sugar snap peas ...... $26.50

BS, LLB (Melb), LLS (ANU); Junior Lecturer and Generally Easy Marker, Faculty of Law, Victoria University. I would like to acknowledge the traditional owners of this paper, the Wurrindiji trees, descendants of the White Tree of Gondor.

1337]

Typical Angus, You Do One Heading and You Think We Should

All Bow Down. Well Fuck You. I Bow For No Motherfucker. I’m Sick of Doing All The Work For This Publication. I Work My Fingers To The Bone and All You Seem To Do is Fuck Off With The Coke and the Hookers. Well, I Want My Share of the Hookers. And Coke. Jesus, You Are A Selfish Fuck.

You Know What? You Know That Massive Scratch Down the Left Side of Your Car? That Was Me Motherfucker! And I Don’t Regret A Thing. Fuck No. I’d Do It Again You Prick.

Oh Yeah?! Come Over To My Page And Say That Joel You Fat Fuck.

I Will Mate. Now Get Off My Page, There’s No Room Left For the Article.

Who Cares? It’s Shit Anyway.

Yeah, True

34

‘…people often say ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. However, when it comes to the protection of our fundamental freedoms, our system of government is broken and we do need to fix it.’ 1 Australia is now the only democratic nation in the world without a national Bill or Charter of Rights. Australia is also collecting a fine list of human rights violations: indefinite detention of asylum seekers, mandatory sentencing, over-reaching ASIO legislation. It is against this background that support for increased human rights protection in Australia is mounting.

1 Commonwealth, Victoria’s charter of human rights and responsibilities: lessons for the national debate, Senate, 7 July 2006 (George Williams)

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In 2004 the ACT introduced Australia’s first-ever human rights legislation. Last year Victoria followed suit as the first Australian State to introduce a human rights instrument, with the Charter of Human Rights and Responsibilities Act 2006 (Vic). And recently Western Australia’s AttorneyGeneral, Jim McGinty (yes it is the McGinty of McGinty v WA (1996)), launched a bid for Western Australia to be the next State in line for a Human Rights Act. To coincide with this growing human rights awareness in Australia, Melbourne will host Australia’s first-ever Human Rights Arts and Film Festival (HRAFF) in November of this year.

“As Victoria is the first and only Australian state to have enacted a Human Rights Charter, it makes sense that Melbourne hold this inaugural event”, says HRAFF founder and co-coordinator Evelyn Tadros. “By pairing human rights with popular mediums such as arts and film, we hope to create awareness of human rights in the broader community and foster a stronger human rights culture in Australia.”

Human Rights film festivals have been hosted annually in almost every major city of the world, including New York, London, Johannesberg, Auckland and Bangkok. HRAFF will make a unique and innovative contribution to this global human rights festival circuit by including visual art, music, performances, speakers and community projects in its program.

HRAFF will feature a range of Australian artists and filmmakers and is currently calling for film submissions from local established and emerging filmmakers. HRAFF will contribute to the debate by creating an opportunity for artistic and community collaboration. The festival aims to educate on human rights issues, extend the human rights community and support Australian and international artists concerned with human rights issues.

For more information on the New Matilda campaign for a federal Human Rights Act, including a draft of the Act, see www.humanrightsact.com.au.

DREAMLARGER JULIENNE HORTLE* [Robots are pretty cool. They can do all sorts of shit nowadays. As cool as they are, few people acknowledge the inherent risks associated with the sudden influx of migrant robotic technology.

They’re dangerous. We’ve already got too much African circuitry in this country and we’ve seen the problems it has had assimilating with our mains power systems and wall sockets. It’s time we started testing foreign robots to ensure that they are fit for our shores. We will decide what robots come to this country and the circumstances under which they come. Daft Punk, if you think you’re going to meander your aerodynamic French technologic arses into this country without a fight, then you haven’t done your homework and have underestimated this country’s superheroes. We’ve worked too long at becoming renowned around the world as harder, better, faster and stronger to let you come over and short circuit our high life one more time. We are human after all and Australians don’t want any of your digital love. So get back on your voyager, or whatever vehicle you came on, and piss off back to where television seems to rule the nation. Oh yeah.]

CONTENTS I II

III IV V

1

Denial and Isolation .......................................................................................... 1 Anger ................................................................................................................. 1 A The Re-emergence of Reality and its pain ............................................ 2 B Intense Emotion .................................................................................... 2 C The Need for Clear Answers ................................................................ 2 Bargaining ......................................................................................................... 3 Depression ......................................................................................................... 3 Acceptance ........................................................................................................ 4

Robotic voice: Welcome to the Institution. Please scan your barcode to enter.

Phillipa (Pip): Ummmm, do you mean my student id?

Robotic voice: No. Your barcode, please turn around, it’s tattooed on your neck. * BA, LLB (Melba); Senior Lecturer, of Students, Faculty of the State Library of Melbourne’s front lawn on Sunday Afternoons; Convenor, ‘Speaker’s Corner’. All errors and omissions couldn’t be helped. We’re sorry about this.

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Pip: It’s tattooed on my neck? What the?! How did that happen?

Robotic voice: Welcome to the new Melbourne JD. Your university fees assist us in hiring a kidnapper, anesthetist and tattoo artist. They are commissioned to slink into your room when you’re asleep, inject a powerful anesthetic into you and imprint a barcode on your neck.

Pip: Isn’t that kind of dangerous? And kind of mean?

Robotic voice: Mean?! Insolent fool! Silence!! Your barcode is at the height of fashion these days! Throughout the world! Don’t you want to look like your friends in the United States and Canada?

Pip: Ok… but there’s a problem, I didn’t pay for my law degree this year… I’m, I’m on a scholarship.

Robotic voice: Ahhhh… yes, one of those, are you? So you would have attained a 99.90 ENTER or higher and it’s likely that you went to a private school to achieve that mark?

Pip: Um, yes, actually. I was thinking about studying at Monash, you know with this University becoming so steamy, you know, ever since they started growing a steam, but then these people in strange uniforms came to my house one day and offered me a large sum of money to choose the University of Melbourne. $10,000, actually, and they also said that all my uni fees would be paid for, if I made the “right decision.”

They called themselves the Melbourne Moulders. I didn’t really like them. They were burly and hairy and had hyena eyes. Their outfits were soooo strange: covered in gold buttons and clinky jewellery and they were wearing cowboy boots. They seemed very concerned that prospective students would start enrolling elsewhere, now that Melbourne University is covered with steam and the Melbourne Mould is being implemented! The whole university is turning into a huge green fungus!

Robotic voice: It was by His Decree, and we must abide by His Decree.

Pip: Who’s “He?” Robotic voice: He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.

Pip: What?! When did He have his brainwave grow a steam and implement the Melbourne Mould? You can barely see the university now that it is obfuscated in cloud, steam and mould!

1983]

dreamlarger?! How About Harden the Fuck Up.

38

Robotic voice: It is fabled that He is gifted with visionary powers and that He dreamed he could create seven years of prosperity by encircling the Institution in mists and mushrooms. In His dream, an angel explained that there was only one way to acquire the desired coat of paint, at cost price and in sufficient quantities, and that was by lighting a fire underneath the Institution. By burning books. Lots of books. We don’t need the books anyway, now that we are trading in instrumental, rather than critical knowledge.

This all must be, so that when He dies he will be entombed within a pyramid and be remembered as the greatest Pharaoh who has ever lived.

The pyramid will also be painted in mould and it will be gilded with the gold of all the students who have paid more to study at the Institution.

Pip: It sounds to me like He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named was having some strange nightmares! He must have smoked too much as a hippy at university when he was having his free education. How on earth did these nightmares become a reality? Why didn’t anyone stop him? Why the commodification of education?

Robotic voice: Ha ha ha ha!! Don’t you see?? Dissent was easily quelled by fancy dinners, free drinks, buzz words and images of starving African children. The advertising was expensive, but we have plenty of money now to spend on glossy surfaces, now that we are a degree-factory for the rich.

The University is not only going to be encircled in mists and coated in mould. We are installing a new giant cookie-cutter, the latest technology from the States, to mould you into our latest line of Models.

Pip: What!? A giant cookie-cutter?! I thought you were going to give me a world-class education and transform me into a warrior of light?

Robotic voice: Yes, it will all benefit you, my dear friend. Once we… once you have finished here, you will wear gold buttons. Come in, it’s cold outside.

SEASONAL ENCOUNTERS CHEVLIN LEE* [It can be easily discerned from the tone of this magazine that the Purely Dicta editorial team do not work for a commercial firm. Don’t get us wrong, we don’t think they’re pure evil, just distilled forms of evil, like ethanol fuel. We’re sure there are some really nice people working for firms who have nice lives and stuff, but any organisation that shreds important documents to protect a multi-national tobacco company from litigation can be pretty easily associated with the minions of Lucifer. Now look, we know that not everyone thinks like us. But in a law school that floods its students with a message that portrays commercial law as success and everything else as a cute second prize, we figure there ought be an alternative voice from somewhere. And given that the ILSS publication capped the word length of its articles at 75 words, we figured that Purely Dicta really was the logical choice. Anyway, that doesn’t really have much to do with this article, which is about seasonal applications and the interviews associated with them.]

CONTENTS1 IV V VI I II III

A New Hope ...................................................................................................... 1 The Empire Strikes Back................................................................................... 3 Return of the Jedi .............................................................................................. 3 The Phantom Menace ........................................................................................ 7 Attack of the Clones ........................................................................................... !

Revenge of the Sith ............................................................................................ !

I T U R N I N G TA B L E S It seems like everyone's had a go, more or less, at the intense and masochistic experience of having mugshots taken of them and getting grilled under the spotlight over three glasses of untouched water and a brief, if not fluffed up, version of your life in two copies across oversized tables.

Overwhelmed with exhaustion, and suddenly awash with a disconcerting sense of self-deprecation, we should all probably be prudent enough to turn the other cheek and thank those very-important-people for their time and * Bachelor of Applications (Melb). I would like to thank my colleagues Dr Joe Hachem and Dr Mike Matusow for their helpful comments on this article. Unfortunately their comments on this article actually proved more of a hindrance than anything else. Thanks for nothing, knobheads.

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consideration. Of course, not every interview ends in a happily-ever-after story and many of us (which, I suppose, can just be narrowed down to me and my invisible friend) may simply be fated to expend our efforts in vain.

That being the case, I shall at least have my last word by the end of this piece.

So, rounding up the reputable, diversified, innovative, dynamic, balanced and team-spirited bunch from 1-101 on Collins Street, here's my analysis from the other end of the meeting table.

A The Drainers These ones really are a testament of the bend-and-snap theorem in its greatest evolutionary form. They relish bending the most malleable of contestants by snapping short, rapid and open-ended questions at you before you've even finished the last sentence. They already have standard-form answers in mind, but they're just trying to work out whether you have a central processing speed of at least 3Ghz, and enough RAM and cache memory to squeeze in a quip or two.

B The Cbb You can probably smell them a mile away... the grumpy ones who were either running on a light work schedule, or having drawn the short straw and having to sit down one on one with amateurs cum freshies. Not surprisingly, they simply can't-be-bothered paying any attention to what you're saying and prefer to examine a crack in the ceiling than listen to you.

C The Clairvoyant These ones have the mysterious we-know-something-you-don't gleam in their eyes. They pride themselves in their ability to catch you unaware.

Having already figured you out the moment you walked in, they relish the opportunity to prod and provide you with insight into things you don't know about yourself. You're almost certainly going to walk out of the room learning more about yourself in the last hour than you probably had over the last decade.

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D The Frothy Suddenly the temperature in Melbourne's upped twenty notches and everything's either "fantastic", "amazing" or "really fascinating". These ones are ego-boosters and all your self-esteem issues are washed away. Of course, the flip side of that is that it downplays your enthusiasm and suddenly, you wonder if you're keeping up with the level of bubbly that's in the room.

E The Sadistic These ones simply gleam in the knowledge that they're sitting where they are and you're sitting where you are. Having "been there and done that", they savour every minute of being able to put you on the spot, asking questions they don’t know the answers to, like "list the prices canvassed in the ALH-Bruandwo takeover bid", or picking on you for not knowing that they've just brought in new management three months ago.

F The Elusive Soft-talkers, with a big "confidentiality" stamp flashing across their forehead, these ones often skip by your questions even as they ask invasive ones themselves. You can't be certain you've got them under your wing, and you can't be certain that your puny attempts at quick-bonding are working its spell. As they speak in vagaries, you can't help but look intensely into their eyes, searching... searching‌

Suffice to say, it's impossible to pin down which ones you should be expecting. Having the last laugh is only ever going to be a private joke between me and my invisible friend. Whichever end of the table I may be looking from, I think I've had enough of those tables for now and I'm ready to stash these people away in the darker recesses of my memories. I wish those very-important-people the best of luck in their future endeavours, and look forward to hearing from them soon.

EVENT REVIEW MEET THE PROFESSION COCKTAIL NIGHT JOEL TITO* CONTENTS I Top Ten Errors in Apollo 13 ............................................................................ 44 II Top Ten Signs Americans Are Getting Dumber .............................................. 44 III Top Ten Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If Evel Knievel Were President . 44 IV Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Long-Distance Company.............................. 45 V Top Ten Science Papers That Won't Be Winning A Nobel Prize..................... 45 VI Top Ten Things Overheard in a G.E. Research Lab ........................................ 45 VII Top Ten Things Overheard in Line for Kickboxer II ...................................... 45 VIII Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines ................................................................................ 45 IX Top Ten Least Exciting Superpowers for Comic Book Superheroes .............. 46 X Top Ten Reasons to Develop a Generic Segment on a Nightly Show that an Audience Can Instantly Acknowledge and Find Humorous Regardless of the Actual Content ..................................................................................................................... 46

There can be no question that the LSS Careers Vice-Presidents put an immense amount of time and effort into this event. It ran smoothly and without drama and this can be attributed to the tireless work of Megan and Pei-Wen. The food was sublime (Roast duck pancakes and an amazing fried chicken – who could complain!) and the bar was extremely well stocked (notable favourites were the Cab Sav and the Boags longnecks, which I had never seen before). For $8, this was a cheap night of all-you-can-eat-anddrink.

Nevertheless, I struggle to find an event in the entire LSS calendar that I find more fake and disheartening. If this is what the world of the law is about, I want out. This was a night where ambitious law students put on their favourite frocks and donned their cheesiest smiles, all in an attempt to scrounge some sort of advantage for their future careers. The premise for * BA, LLB (Hons) (Melb), LLM (Melb); Senior Lecturer, Faculty of Lies, Hitotsubashi University.

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the night was clear: representatives from Melbourne’s most powerful firms were in attendance and this was the student’s final chance to make a good impression before the all-important clerkship applications were due. It reminded me of the footage you see of those Boxing Day sales – each desperate shopper bloodthirstily climbing over the other to get to the shiny baubles at a discounted price.

I suppose I should set the scene for those who were sensible enough to not attend. Essentially, the night consisted of a handful of representatives from each firm standing in front of their respective banner. Around each representative was usually a circle of approximately 8 or 9 students, each smiling profusely and laughing loudly at the representative’s rubbish jokes.

Now, I never joined one of these circles, but from what I observed, the most appropriate adjective to describe these circles was: awkward. After all, what could the basis of the conversation possibly be?

Representative: My firm is rad.

Ambitious Student: Yes sir it is. Your hair is also radical.

Representative: My hair is rad, just like me.

Ambitious Student: Yes sir. May I have a job?

The night, as far as I could see and hear, was full of exchanges like this. It was just as well the LSS had thoughtfully provided Mentos at the entry (which were, coincidentally, consumed quite quickly) because when one kisses that much arse, one’s breath is bound to be rancid.

But who should shoulder the shame for these kind of nights? Are we to blame the LSS for organising such nauseating events? Or perhaps the students for demanding opportunities to engage in sad examples of shameless self-interested soul-selling? Or is the problem far deeper? Nights of that kind of pomposity surely must be chalked up as a result of the corporate culture that has now pervaded the study of law. From the moment we get into this law school we are subliminally taught the importance of donning an expensive suit, doing seasonal clerkships, and ultimately becoming an AC with a large firm. Whilst not overtly discouraged, you can feel the way that alternate pathways are looked down upon as ‘fall-back’ plans after having failed at the big game. And from next year, when studying law will require you to sacrifice two arms to afford the full-fee sham that they call

whoah oh oh oh]

Event Review: MTP

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the Melbourne Model degree, there really will be no other option than to play the game and make the dollars, because to do anything else will leave you, well, without two arms for a very long time.

It is probably this kind of pressure that drives students to do things that they would not ordinarily do. Good mates of mine who would ordinarily park themselves next to an open bar, spent the night sipping orange juice, turning down the quiches and schmoozing away. Now, I don’t begrudge them taking their opportunity to schmooze, I just think it’s a shame that such schmoozing has become necessary to get ahead. To me, the most difficult thing to grasp was seeing people who I know to be super-intelligent and self-confident degrade themselves by submitting to that kind of game.

The falsity of the entire process was laid bare when, in an amusing incident, a suited student approached me - mistaking me for a firm representative - and initiated conversation. Her mistake was understandable given that my LSS nametag looked identical to those worn by the firm representatives, but after some pleasant conversation, she slowly twigged that all was not as it seemed. After taking a closer look at my nametag and realising the truth I couldn't offer her a job, no matter how much I would have liked to – she stopped mid-sentence and slunk away.

At the end of the day, participating in those kind of nights is completely voluntary and it isn’t fair for a chump like me to stand here on my soap box and criticise. It just wasn’t my scene, and that will probably mean that success in that kind of environment is unlikely for me. But I’m cool with that. As the night wore on, and my mates’ facial muscles started to pack it in after all that smiling, they came over and joined this crazy loner and we had a great time sinking beers, chowing down and watching the remaining students attempt to make their last good impression. It was at that point that I realised, as long as you’ve got good beer, good duck and good mates, who needs the profession?

EVENT REVIEW MELBOURNE UNIVERSITY LAW BALL 2007 RESPONSIBLE ROBERT, ACTIVITIES JUGGERNAUT* CONTENTS I II

Upper Gastrointestinal Tract .......................................................................................1 Lower Gastrointestinal Tract .......................................................................................1 A Small intestine ................................................................................................2 1 Duodenum ..........................................................................................2 2 Jejunum ..............................................................................................2 3 Ileum ..................................................................................................3 B Large Intestine ................................................................................................3 1 Cecum ................................................................................................3 2 Colon ..................................................................................................4 3 Rectum ...............................................................................................4 C Anus ................................................................................................................4

Wow what a night, the Atrium at Flemington looked amazing, massive thanks to the helpers who arranged the decorations, King Armadillo dominated at the pre-dinner drinks (quality band, give them a go for once instead of that electro shite), the train arrived on time and most people managed to make it to the after party at GPO (still need to get my jacket back from the post office too).

Unfortunately not everything ran according to plan.

Now I’ve been savouring gin and tonics for some years now, and whilst the caters had managed to stumble on some prime rib Bombay Sapphire I was left wanting much more ‘g’ with my ‘t’.

Needless to say it took me at least 15 minutes to get another after a promise of “so many bar staff that we can’t fit any more behind the bar” was as true as Fashion House being a quality TV show. * We were unable to find any information on Responsible Robert. We suspect it’s a pseudonym for the Activities Vice-Presidents. We’re not sure. Probably is.

1991]

Event Review: Law Ball

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Really enjoyed entrée, the Thai lamb salad was scintillating, as was the crazy codger on my table that scoffed 5 himself. Disappointingly our waiter refused a forty dollar cash bribe for premium service so between supersonics I was left to sip on Red Bull.

On such an occasion there’s always some drama. At one table a girl’s jumper was on fire. A guest said to her casually “Umm, your jumper’s on fire.” Apparently her night was ruined after that. I learnt my lesson about wearing fine attire to these events after the infamous chicken and gravy fight of ’06 in which people were bruised from the flying chicken and entry into the after party at Boulevard Bar was difficult because the gravy on my shirt didn’t really look like gravy.

The chicken main course I’m going to give a 0.5/5. It was a very ordinary dish. It was honestly a disgrace that such a reputable company can serve up such below-par fare and then charge over 60 dimes for it. I’m going to give it half a point because I didn’t get food poisoning, but then again I didn’t actually eat anything after the first bite. But then again, I did munt the next morning.

After a lengthy discussion with management to try and get the dance floor to look a little less like 12 noon at Lake Eyre, I retired to a smooth Cab Merlot and some great commentary as a gentleman nearby downed 9 lemon desserts. He was the only one that actually wanted them. The other lemon dessert, well, that wasn’t even near our table.

I’m not sure exactly what happened from that point onward; however I do recall being chased by some security guards down to the station where I hid behind a shed as people were boarding the train. After a quick dash from Flinders St past a man on stilts blowing bubbles I found myself at GPO with a bartender that didn’t skimp. Overall a night I won’t forget, despite the best efforts of the clowns working at Atrium.

THE MELBOURNE LAW REVUE: IT’S 2007, WHERE’S MY SHIT?1 MAX PRYDE PATERSON* CONTENTS I II III IV

Fear .................................................................................................................... 1 Anger ................................................................................................................. 2 Hate ................................................................................................................... 3 The Dark Side ................................................................................................... 4

I INTRODUCTION What’s a law revue? Well, its when 13 men and women love each other very very much, and they all get together to put on a comedy show made up of short ‘sketches’. These ‘sketches’ are a bit like those off the Wedge, Comedy Inc and Skithouse, only much less shithouse. No, honestly, most unsuspecting first-time audience members prepared for an evening of lame law gags and student theatre-esque crap go away sore of smiling cheek, aching of rib, wet of teary eye and soiled of pant.

This year’s Melbourne Law Revue, titled “Its 2007, Where’s My Flying Car” (apparently not a reference to Harry Potter, Back to the Future, or that nutcase who chained his wife to his car and drove it off a pier), was in this reviewer’s opinion, probably the best Melbourne revue ever in the whole entire world. And considering that this reviewer was a proud member of the Monash revue and can be said to be a cripplingly competitive, self aggrandising wanker, that’s quite a big statement.

The delicious aromas of Enright/Andrew Roger humour wafted alluringly from the hotpot of the seasoned performances by Jess Enright, Al Newstead 1 I lost it at the Revue. Totally lost my shit. Went nuts and sprinkled. * Max Pryde Patterson takes it to the limit.

The Distant Future]

Event Review: Law Revue

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and Millie Hanscombe which were blended with delicious debuts in the forms of the larger-than-life characterisations of Mimi Zaetta-Thomas, the dry wit of Max Smith, Al Harkness’ perfect delivery, Amelia Batrouney’s stage presence, the unforgettable perverted smirk of Richie Wielga and the breathtaking way Josh Ladgrove dispensed with fiendishly difficult roles, making them look like getting extensions on essays for bullshit reasons (easy). Add a directorial pot-stir by James Kerr, present with the perfect panache of Piers Mitchem, and you’ve got more talent than Akmal Saleh on ‘Thank God You’re Here’ (Policeman: Thank god you’re here detective, like you always say, we need a man who can…. Akmal Saleh: um…oh, just wait…ah…hhhm, do stuff. Audience: AHAHAHAHAHAHA) I I T H E M E L B O U R N E U LT I M AT U M Enough sycophancy, back to talking about me. As previously alluded to, I was in the Monash Revue, as was an Editor of this publication; Joel Tito, and two other Melbourne students. Similarly, not all of the Melbourne law revue kids are Melbourne law kids, some aren’t even Melbourne kids, and others weren’t even kids at all. Apparently, this state of affairs came as a surprise to many people. If you’ve read this far, it’s probably because you're a friend of mine, in which case we’ve had a conversation similar to the following; Me: Come to the Monash Revue, I’m in it.

You: What? But you go to Melbourne Uni! Me: Yes, I know, but I'm in the Monash Revue.

You: Really, are you allowed to do that?

Me: Looks like.

You: So why are you in the Monash and not the Melbourne?

Me: Because I auditioned and got in You: Wow, that's weird, I always thought you said that Monash is a glorified TAFE built on a muddy swamp in the meteorological asshole of Victoria' Me: That’s totally unfounded and untrue. I would never say that! But in any case, they do amazing Law Revues.

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If we haven’t had that conversation, you may be my friend on Facebook and recognise the way I unashamedly recycled that joke.

The question has been raised, mostly by the fine people on the Monash LSS whether association with the Revue should be strictly limited to law students at the Uni. The answer is that the revue is a process that is contingent on having a diversity of ideas, talents, worldviews and styles. Making it insular would jeopardize all of that. Moreover, limiting the talent pool that directors can pick from will necessarily lead to a second-rate casting standard, producing a less successful show which we could not be proud of.

The relationships formed between students from different faculties and universities broaden social networks and keep law students interconnected not only with each other, but with people outside our faculty rather than forming an insular, tribal and elitist clique (read: Med students. Ever see one? Did you talk to it?). Being part of a faculty which can entice seven sell-out audiences to a professional standard comedy production, raise thousands of dollars for charity, impress thousands of students and people from the wider community, and making me personally lose my shit is something of which I am proud. So fuck you Monash LSS, let me in your show next year.

SOCCERED: LSS V CSS SOCCER TABOKA FINN* Association football, commonly known as football or soccer, is a team sport played between two teams of 11 players. It is the most popular sport in the world. A woman is a female human.

The term woman (irregular plural: women) usually is used for an adult, with the term girl being the usual term for a female child or adolescent. However, the term woman is also sometimes used to identify a female human, regardless of age, as in phrases such as "Women's rights". This article concerns both women and soccer.

CONTENTS I II I II I II I II I II

Pilot / Brother's Keeper ...................................................... Septermber 16, 1984 Heart of Darkness ................................................................ September 28, 1984 Cool Runnin'.............................................................................. October 5, 1984 Calderone's Return Pt 1:The Hit List ...................................... October 19, 1984 Calderone's Return Pt 2:Calderone's Demise .......................... October 26, 1984 One Eyed Jack ....................................................................... November 2, 1984 No Exit .................................................................................. November 9, 1984 The Great McGinty ............................................................. November 16, 1984 Smuggler's Blues ...................................................................... February 1, 1985 Nobody Lives Forever................................................................ March 29, 1985

This year the illustrious law versus commerce conflict arose again to the glorious forefront of our minds with the coveting of the soccer cup. The cup, earned through hard fought battles on the soccer field, is thought to epitomize the supremacy of either the Law Student or their lesser Commerce brethren. (What of the Commerce/Law students you ask – ah well, I answer, that is a long discussion best left for another day – somewhat like a * Taboka Finn (January 16, 1923 – December 28, 1994) was an American essayist, novelist,

filmmaker, and activist. Taboka grew up in Tucson, Arizona and, later, in Los Angeles, where she graduated from North Hollywood High School at the age of 15. She began her undergraduate studies at Berkeley, but transferred to the University of Chicago, where she graduated with a B.A. She did graduate work in philosophy, literature, and theology at Harvard, St Anne's College, Oxford and the Sorbonne.

2000]

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vampire, they are neither beast nor man, yet suck the life force from their prey none the less.)

The lead up to the match was exciting, advertisements were put up, signup sheets were filled, men were enlisted and women were… not allowed to play.

I’ve decided to start a new sentence so that the full impact of that sentence can be appreciated. Read it again. Perhaps I could use less forceful words like, discouraged from playing, encouraged to cheer the team, invited to help out on the day, or I could even spew forth the common cry that, they wouldn’t want to anyway. But if you know me, you know very well that far from using less forceful words, I am inclined to use more forceful ones, like banned, forbidden, excluded. How about – get with the modern age, you sexist, discriminatory, bigots. Is that too far…?

The point however you choose to express it, is that the teams were each to be of men only, a penis being the obvious requirement of being able to run around and kick a round ball. I was angry – that white kind of anger, where you actually lose vision for a short while, and part of your brain is just hoping it is a bad joke or perhaps a really good one and I’m just not smart enough to get it. But it wasn’t. And I wasn’t the only one who was angry.

Thank goodness for the women’s officers, who jumped straight on board, asking the organizers to explain. And of course, I always find in these situations there always is an explanation. For interest, mine if not yours, I’m going to pop a few down here, even though, they were not necessarily from the law fraternity – commerce having emerged as the driving force behind the action. My favourite excuse is that it had always been a men’s game – which is in fact a lie, women having played for at least the past three years – but even if it was true, the statement in and of itself does not lead, to my satisfaction, to an answer. I appreciated it when ‘the boys’ let us know that women would get hurt – I’ve found this a useful lie in many of these situations, a symptom of the white knight who feels he’s justified in protecting the damsel in distress from… a scraped knee perhaps. Pussies.

But the excuse they went with, when truly faced with the question, was that they wanted to put the best team they could, on the field. Now, you may ask, when were the tryouts, who selected the teams, were there positions, was previous experience required, could excellence in rugby or football carry across, did you need to pass a physical… actually, none of the above,

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there wasn’t even a get together, the ‘best team’ it seems was who ever put their name on the sign up sheet… as long as they didn’t possess a vagina.

Now, it should be pretty obvious from the tone from the beginning of this piece that I do in fact possess one of these deadly vaginas, although I try and keep mine under control, their venom can indeed be poisonous if it should choose to bite an unsuspecting victim. Not intending to play, as I had a horrific experience of sexual harassment on field in the game two years prior and was not keen to relive the experience, I now promptly put my name down. To the Law Student organizers credit, they let commerce know that girls/women/them would be playing and on the day myself and two other buxom lasses turned up to partake of the on field frivolity. The game was really enjoyable, some of ‘the boys’ were exceptionally good soccer players, but most, like me, were ok. And although I went to the game expecting a fight, there was none. Most of the guys that we played with were fantastic. They made no complaints about us playing, they agreed that the three of us women would sub in and out amongst ourselves so that there would always be a woman on field, and they just got down to the business of playing a game of soccer.

As for the details of the game, there was no score and commerce won by a single kick in a penalty shootout. They got ‘the cup’ but I would like here to offer another, better cup to both the men with whom we played on the day and the organizers who had to force commerce to let us play. Although Commerce can claim for a year that they play better soccer, Law can claim, hopefully for much, much longer than a single year, that they were, more accepting and equitable, less chauvinistic and sexist and ultimately more decent and respectable people. Law 1, Commerce 0.

Susan McGraw Human Resources Co-ordinator Crane Poole & Schmidt Phone: +61 (0)6 9666 6666 Fax: +61 (0)6 9666 6665 Email: susan.mcgraw@cps.com.au James Black 22 Pelhalm Street Parkville, Victoria, 3010 schmik.schmiles@gmail.com APPLICATION FOR SEASONAL CLERKSHIP 2007 Dear Ms McGraw, Thank you for the offer of a seasonal clerkship with your firm.

The level of interest for my services was overwhelming and I received 783 offers from law firms in Australia and abroad.

Whilst I was very impressed by your firm’s stylishly minimalist letterhead and flawlessly pretentious reputation, regrettably I am not in a position to offer you my services on this occasion. I wish to assure you that the calibre of firms was very high and this made the selection process very difficult.

My decision not to offer you my skills at this stage should not be taken as an indication that I am not interested in your firm. I would encourage you to seek my services again next year when I may be available for negotiations regarding an Articles package.

I appreciate the effort you have put into your offer and wish you all the best with your recruiting efforts.

Yours sincerely, James Black

Vol 20 No 1

PURELY DICTA

2007

Well I remember I remember dont worry How could I ever forget It’s the first time The last time We ever met But I know the reason Why you keep your silence up No you don’t fool me The hurt doesnt show But the pain still grows It’s no stranger to you or me DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM BUM PAH BOOM I can feel it Coming in the air tonight Oh lord...

VOLUME 20 NUMBER 1 2007

FOREWORD As We See It The Editors

ARTICLES

The Real High Court

Gareth Redenbach

Seasoned Veterans: The Grey Plight of the Later-Year Law Student Taboka Finn An Excerpt From Behind Closed Doors

P D

Ian Callinan & Gareth Redenbach Get to Know ALSA: The Australian Law Students Association Meng-Xi Hu Introduction to the Melbourne Law School Careers Service Angela Edwards The Devil’s Dictionary Ambrose Bierce Innocence Lost: A Disappointing End to a Unique Subject Amanda Burnnard & Sean Vagg Human Rights Finally Taking Off: The Human Rights Arts & Film Festival Agata Wierzbowski dreamlarger Julienne Hortle

(2007) 20

Seasonal Encounters Chevlin Lee

REVIEWS Meet the Profession Cocktail Night

DIC

Joel Tito Law Ball Responsible Robert The Melbourne Law Revue: It’s 2007, Where’s My Shit?

Max Pryde Paterson

(2007) 20 DIC Cellbox Studios.

Soccered: LSS v CSS Soccer Taboka Finn