Tootsie Libretto

Libretto VocaL book

Music and Lyrics by

Book by

David Yazbek

Robert Horn

Based on the story by DON McGUIRE and LARRY GELBART and the COLUMBIA PICTURES motion picture produced

by PUNCH PRODUCTIONS and starring DUSTIN HOFFMAN

WAIT!

BEFORE REHEARSING COPYRIGHT WARNING (SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE) All music, lyrics and dialogue from the Play contained in this book are the property of the Authors and are fully protected by copyright. Your organization’s performance license prohibits making any changes of any kind to the Play, including: • changes of music, lyrics, dialogue, sequence of songs and/or scenes, time period, setting, characters or characterizations or gender of characters in the Play; • adding new material (such as scenes or framing devices, characters or songs from any other version of the Play, including films); • omitting or adding any music, lyrics or dialogue.

Any unauthorized changes shall constitute a willful infringement of the authors’ copyright and may subject your organization to civil liabilities and criminal penalties under the United States Copyright Act and other applicable statutes.

THIS BOOK IS RENTED This book is the property of MTI and must be returned at the conclusion of your production. You may not duplicate any portion of these materials, disseminate them in any way, in whole or in part, including electronic or digital transmission and posting on the Internet, or use them for performances other than those specified in your organization’s license agreement.

A PERFORMANCE LICENSE IS REQUIRED Federal and international copyright law prohibit the public performance of the Play without a performance license. MTI's delivery of this script does not authorize you or your group to perform the Play in any manner whatsoever. For example, it does not matter whether your audience pays for their tickets or not; it does not matter if your group is a school or not.

The law requires your organization to obtain a performance license from MTI prior to performing the Play. To obtain an MTI performance license, visit mtishows.com.

For further information regarding the penalties for copyright infringement, please visit www.copyright.gov.

To report any violation of the above terms, contact MTI at licensing@mtishows.com.

THANK YOU!

Book © 2018 Robert Horn

Music and Lyrics © 2018 Yeidlesounds (BMI) All rights reserved.

(Last Revised—December 2023)

Author’s Note: Tootsie is first and foremost a love letter to Musical Theater. It’s an all-out farce that is grounded in desperation and personal growth. The show is filled with non-stop jokes and situations that make for hilarity, but also presents characters that move us, that hold a mirror up to ourselves and the choices we make in life. The comedy and pathos work best when you play the truth.

The comedy is on the page both in lyrics and text. It doesn’t need to be heightened or exaggerated, just played for its honesty and fun. At the heart of any farce is truth.

Michael Dorsey is a narcissist, but a talented one. Because of his own bad behavior, he’s told he can no longer do the one thing he loves more than anything. The story is about his desperation to change that; the wrong and rash decisions he makes; the effect his choices have on others; and his growth as a character throughout that process.

As Dorothy, he is not appropriating the identity of a woman as much as he’s playing a female character in a play. He’s an actor becoming a character to the best of his ability… albeit for the wrong reason: to land a job. Hence, the comedy is not about a “man in a dress” falling off his heels or those obvious cliches, it’s about a man who is lying and the damage he does to the people around him. He’s not parodying a woman. When his identity is discovered, it’s played for Michael’s lack of integrity, having no relation to gender. The music and comedy of Tootsie will give you a roadmap to where the tone of the piece lives. It’s fun, it’s a love story, it’s farcical and fast, but at its core, it’s about learning how your actions affect others.

—i—

MUS ICA L NU M B ERS Act 1 0.

Overture ............................................................................................................ 1

1.

Opening ............................................................................................................. 1

1A.

Opening (Playoff) .............................................................................................. 7

2.

Whaddya Do ...................................................................................................... 9

2A.

Whaddya Do (Playoff) .................................................................................... 10

3.

What’s Gonna Happen .................................................................................... 15

3A.

What’s Gonna Happen (Playoff) .................................................................... 19

4.

Whaddya Do (Reprise 1) ................................................................................. 22

5.

I Won’t Let You Down (Auditions) ................................................................ 24

6.

I Won’t Let You Down .................................................................................... 27

6A.

I Won’t Let You Down (Playoff) ..................................................................... 29

6B.

Ron Carlisle in His Element............................................................................ 34

6C.

Ron’s Dance Break .......................................................................................... 34

7.

I’m Alive .......................................................................................................... 39

7A.

I’m Alive (Playoff) .......................................................................................... 41

8.

There Was John ............................................................................................... 45

8A.

Craig Victorious .............................................................................................. 48

9.

I Like What She’s Doing (Part 1) .................................................................... 52

9A.

I Like What She’s Doing (Part 2) .................................................................... 53

9B.

I Like What She’s Doing (Part 3) .................................................................... 54

9C.

I Like What She’s Doing (Part 4) .................................................................... 55

9D.

I Like What She’s Doing (Part 5) .................................................................... 57

9E.

I Like What She’s Doing (Part 6) (Playoff) ..................................................... 58

10.

Who Are You ................................................................................................... 61

11.

What’s Gonna Happen (Reprise) .................................................................... 67

12.

Unstoppable .................................................................................................... 68

—ii—

Act II 12A. Entr’acte ........................................................................................................... 72 13.

Jeff Sums It Up ................................................................................................ 72

14.

Gone, Gone, Gone ........................................................................................... 76

14A. Bar Music ......................................................................................................... 78 14B.

Sandy Bar Music .............................................................................................. 79

14C.

An Honest Betrayal ......................................................................................... 82

15.

Who Are You (Reprise) ................................................................................... 87

16.

This Thing ........................................................................................................ 88

17.

Whaddya Do (Reprise 2) ................................................................................. 94

18.

The Most Important Night of My Life ........................................................... 97

18A. Most Important Playoff ................................................................................. 100 19.

Talk to Me Dorothy ....................................................................................... 103

20.

Arrivederci! ................................................................................................... 106

20A. Gadzooks! ...................................................................................................... 108 20B.

Does Jeff Know? ............................................................................................ 108

21.

What’s Gonna Happen (Reprise 2) ............................................................... 111

22.

Michael’s Reprise .......................................................................................... 114

23.

Thank You (Talk to Me Dorothy Reprise) .................................................... 116

24.

Bows (Part 1) ................................................................................................. 118

24A. Bows (Part 2) ................................................................................................. 118 25.

Exit Music ...................................................................................................... 118

—iii—

TooTsie

ACT ONE

#0 — Ove r t ur e ACT 1, SCENE 1. A BROADWAY STAGE—PRESENT DAY

The curtain rises on New York City. One by one, NEW YORKERS appear, populating the stage with their enthusiasm and excitement to be part of this thrilling world.

#1 — Ope n i ng

ALL NEW YORK! NEW YORK!

KAT THE NIGHT IS FALLING ON MANHATTAN AND SOON THE DAYLIGHT WILL BE GONE

ANTHONY ANTICIPATION’S ALL AROUND YOU AS ONE BY ONE THE LIGHTS ARE COMING ON

DIANA, HARRIS, KAT, ANTHONY AND YOUR FEET WANNA FLY AND YOUR PULSE WANTS TO RACE

SHINA, LESLIE, JOHN ‘CAUSE YOU’RE FREE AND YOU’RE YOUNG AND YOU’RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE

NICK YOU’RE RIGHT HERE

BRITNEY YOU’RE RIGHT NOW

DREW YOU’RE A PART OF NEW YORK

ALL AS THE NIGHT COMES ALIVE IN THE HEART OF NEW YORK NOTHING MORE EXCITING

— 1 —

— 2 —

TooTsie

(ALL) NOWHERE MORE DELICIOUS EVERYTHING’S INVITING EVERYTHING’S THE BEST EVERY SOUL IS SOARING EVERYONE’S AMBITIOUS NO ONE HERE IS BORING NOTHING IN THE WORLD

ALL

ENSEMBLE 1

IS LIKE THE FEELING

… this feeling that anything is possible here. Even the impossible is possibly possible in…

NEW YORK!

ENSEMBLE 2 You dream when you’re awake. Any dream can be a dream come true in—

ALL NEW YORK!

From behind the group of people, MICHAEL DORSEY walks by, speaking as he goes…

MICHAEL Underneath this city that’s all pavement, is a city that’s all heart.

ALL GOD THIS IS EXCITING DON’T YOU FEEL GIDDY? MAN, THERE’S NOTHING LIKE IT BOY THIS IS THE BEST

ALL NOW YOUR LIGHT IS BLAZING

MICHAEL Ron? I’m sorry, Ron?!

WOW, THIS IS A CITY ISN’T THIS AMAZING? AREN’T YOU SO BLESSED

RON, holding a script, walks onstage.

Stop, stop, stop.

TooTsie

— 3 —

RON Stop, stop! Let’s all stop the rehearsal again because Mitchell has another compelling question.

MICHAEL It’s Michael. Dorsey. And would my character say the city was all heart? He’s a traumatized war vet, evicted from his rent-controlled apartment during the sewage baked heat of summer. All heart? I don’t think so!

RON Where, in the history of the printed libretto, does it say any of that?

MICHAEL It’s the backstory I gave him.

RON Backstory? He doesn’t even have a name. He’s “guy who walks by!”

MICHAEL My character deserves his truth! I’m just saying what every actor on this stage is thinking!

The OTHER ACTORS take one LARGE simultaneous step back.

RON Love, this is a Ron Carlisle show. My vision, me, creating a living aggregate from the imagination of nothing! You want out? You’re out.

MICHAEL Of the whole song?

RON Of the whole show. Of any show I ever do in the pantheon of ever! Then even after that, after that!

MICHAEL This opening number is benign and dishonest, directed by an inept, derivative hack. And this musical sucks!

The entire ENSEMBLE’s body language changes. THEY are now narrating his story for us.

— 4 —

TooTsie

ENSEMBLE THIS IS THE TALE MICHAEL DORSEY HE IS THE CENTER OF THE PLOT IS HE AN ACTOR, YES OF COURSE HE IS IS HE SUCCESSFUL, YES OF COURSE HE’S NOT THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE ISN’T REAL GOOD NO ONE IN TOWN WOULD DISAGREE HE REALLY COULD BE GOOD AS GIELGUD, BUT YOU WON’T SEE HIS NAME ON THE MARQUEE

THEATER STAGE—AUDITION

MICHAEL is on a stage auditioning. The DIRECTOR sits at the end of a table, Michael stands at the other.

MICHAEL (With an accent) “Carla, I threw it all away, for you, just to cross that bridge, Carla. That damn grey bridge.”

DIRECTOR 1 That’s fine, Mr. Dorsey. Actually, we’re looking for someone younger.

MICHAEL rips off his fake mustache.

MICHAEL Oh, I can be younger.

DIRECTOR 1 Actually, we’re looking for someone… shorter.

MICHAEL takes off one shoe and exaggerates his shortness.

MICHAEL Oh. Wait. See. I can be shorter.

DIRECTOR 1 Actually, we’re looking for somebody… different.

MICHAEL Sounds to me like you don’t know what the hell you’re looking for!

TooTsie

— 5 —

DIRECTOR 1 Sure we do. We’re looking for somebody else! Next.

ENSEMBLE AND NOW THERE’S SOMETHING QUITE FAMILIAR HE FEELS IT RISING LIKE THE MOON HE’S FEELING VICTIMIZED AND BITTER LIKE NOTHING GOOD IS GONNA HAPPEN SOON THE ODOR OF HUMILIATION BEGINS TO PERMEATE THE ROOM THE PUTRID STENCH OF IT SURROUNDS HIM LIKE AN INEXPENSIVE PROSTITUTE’S PERFUME

MICHAEL is in the middle of an audition. Across from him is a director at a table, but ZH RQO\ VHH KLV SURÀOH

MICHAEL (As a British child) “Mummy. Daddy. Come quick. Something’s wrong with Biscuit. He was chasing his tail and he fell down the well.”

DIRECTOR 2 Wow, you’re an amazing kid.

MICHAEL Thank you. I really tried to channel the child within me that—

We reveal the DIRECTOR is on his phone to his son.

DIRECTOR 2 —And Daddy is so proud of you and wants to hear all about it when he gets home.

MICHAEL I’m sorry! Is my acting interrupting your phone call?!

DIRECTOR 2 (Beat) Yes! Next!

ENSEMBLE AND HIS FEET START TO THROB AND HIS HEAD STARTS TO ACHE

— 6 —

TooTsie

(ENSEMBLE) ‘CAUSE HE CAN’T GET A JOB AND HE CAN’T CATCH A BREAK

ENSEMBLE MEN BUT HE’S FREE AND HE’S YOUNG

ENSEMBLE WOMEN HE’S NOT YOUNG

ENSEMBLE MEN YEAH, THAT’S TRUE

ENSEMBLE ALL THAT THEY WANT, IS SOMEONE WHO’S EXACTLY NOT YOU SOMEONE MORE EXCITING SOMEONE MORE ATTRACTIVE SOMEONE THEY CAN DEAL WITH NOT A SNOTTY JERK. MAYBE SOMEONE NICER SOMEONE LESS REACTIVE CAN YOU REALLY BLAME THEM? WILL HE EVER WORK?

SMALL THEATER—

MICHAEL walks out towards center stage—

DIRECTOR 3 Next!

—HE does a 180 and walks off without ever stopping.

ENSEMBLE WOW HE’S BATTING ZERO DUDE IS SO PATHETIC HOW DOES HE KEEP GOING MAYBE HE SHOULD STOP NO, IT’S GONNA HAPPEN SOON THEY’LL ALL BE CLAPPIN’ SOON HE’S GONNA MAKE IT HE’S GONNA MAKE IT TO THE TOP.

TooTsie

(ENSEMBLE) HE’S GONNA MAKE IT TO THE TOP. HE’S GONNA MAKE IT TO THE—

We NOW see MICHAEL in a waiter’s apron.

MICHAEL No more orders. Kitchen’s closed!

ENSEMBLE TOOOOOOOP!

#1 A— Op e ni ng (Pl ayo ff )

— 7 —

— 8 —

TooTsie

SCENE 2. A TIMES SQUARE TOURIST RESTAURANT—LUNCHTIME

MICHAEL and JEFF, late 30’s, offbeat and likable, are closing the restaurant, as Michael verbalizes his frustration.

MICHAEL How could I not have booked that play, Jeff? I was electric. You know what the problem is?

JEFF People are intimidated by your work.

MICHAEL People are intimidated by my work.

(Beat) Because you care about the truth?

(Beat) Because I care about the truth!

MICHAEL I turn 40 today, Jeff! 40! In a harsh and ageist business.

JEFF Michael, part of the problem is that you don’t recognize you’re all of the problem.

MICHAEL Stop procrastinating and write your play so I have something to be in.

JEFF Am I perfect? No. Do I try to be a little bit better every day? No! Which is why I considered not doing something this harsh on your birthday, but now I’m thinking, yeah, do it.

JEFF tauntingly pulls out a small piece of paper.

MICHAEL The list? You kept the list?

JEFF When you were 19 what did you say?

MICHAEL Keep this list.

JEFF So I kept the list, of everything you said you’d accomplish by the time you turned 40.

TooTsie

MICHAEL Do NOT read that list!

JEFF Let me read the list; “Make a living exclusively as an actor” Nope. “Do Midsummer with Meryl.” Nope. “Have your parents refer to you as an actor without using air quotes.”

(Using air quotes) “Nope.”

MICHAEL So what should I do? Abandon my idealism because doors are slamming in my face? I don’t give up, Jeff!

#2 — Whad dya D o WHADDYA DO WHEN SUDDENLY YOU REALIZE THE CALENDAR INSIDE YOUR HEAD IS RUNNING OUT OF PAGES? WHADDYA DO IF YOU CAN SEE THE ODDS ARE GOOD YOU’LL NEVER BE THE PERSON YOU’VE BEEN TRYING FOR FOR AGES? IS IT LUCK? IS IT FATE? IS IT SOMETHING THAT YOU ATE, LIKE AN OVERWHELMING PLATE OF HUMBLE PIE? WHADDYA DO WHEN EVERYTHING YOU WANTED MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF IS LAUGHING AT YOU, CALLING YOU A JERK? WHADDYA DO? YOU MAKE IT WORK WHADDYA DO WHEN EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING BUT EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING TO EVERYBODY BUT YOU? ALL OF THE PHONIES, FRAUDS AND FAKES ARE GETTING JOBS AND GETTING BREAKS AND EATING STEAKS, BUT NOBODY WILL TOUCH YOU? ARE YOU HAUNTED BY THE FACT ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS ACT? AND IT’S ALL YOU WANT TO DO UNTIL YOU DIE?

— 9 —

— 10 —

TooTsie

(MICHAEL) BASHING AWAY AT THE SAME OLD DOOR, YOUR ARMS ARE TIRED, YOUR FISTS ARE SORE, THE PATIENCE YOU’VE GOT LEFT IS WEARING THIN. WHADDYA DO? YOU KICK IT IN SO WHAT AM I, I’M STUCK. STRUGGLING IN THE MUCK. STANDING HERE ALL PURPLE AND PERPLEXED. CAUGHT IN THE GAP BETWEEN “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?” AND “WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT?” WHADDYA GOT, YOU GOT THAT LIST OF ALL THE HOPES AND DREAMS I’VE MISSED, WELL TAKE THAT LIST AND ROLL IT IN A BALL. OR BETTER YET, A TUBE. YOU’RE GONNA NEED SOME LUBE ‘CAUSE WHERE’S IT GONNA GO? SOMETIMES I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I’M SAD FOR WHAT I SEE FRUSTRATION, CONFUSION, I COME TO THE CONCLUSION THERE REALLY MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH… ALL OF THOSE DOUCHEBAGS WHO WON’T HIRE ME. WHADDYA DO, IT’S NATURE’S LAW, THE CARDS YOU’RE DEALT, THE CARDS YOU DRAW. PERHAPS THE HAND YOU’VE GOT WILL NEVER WIN. MAYBE YOU’RE OUT OF ROPE MAYBE YOU’RE OUT OF HOPE SO WHADDYA DO? YOU GO ALL IN! WELL, I’M ALL IN!

#2 A— Wh addya D o ( P l ayof f )

MEN MAYBE HE’S OUT OF ROPE

TooTsie

WOMEN THERE’S NO MORE ROPE

MEN MAYBE HE’S OUT OF HOPE

WOMEN AND STUPIDLY

ALL HE’S ALL IN!

— 11 —

— 12 —

TooTsie

SCENE 3. MICHAEL AND JEFF’S APARTMENT—THAT AFTERNOON

JEFF is in the apartment when there is a knock on the door. He opens it as SANDY enters, carrying a cake.

SANDY God, I hate my life. I had a dream last night that a Genie offered me five wishes, and I said “don’t you mean three?” And he said “normally, but you seem to have a lot of problems!”

(Then) I really hope Michael loves this cake I made him.

JEFF Sandy, stop trying to be friends with an ex.

SANDY Michael just needs time to work on his commitment issues.

JEFF Michael can’t connect to a woman unless it’s on a stage. He’s a scene partner, not a life partner.

SANDY What do you know? When was the last time you were in a relationship?

JEFF I don’t have relationships. I just avoid people who have seen me naked while trying to find new people to see me naked.

SANDY Michael helps me believe in myself. And things between us just moved a little too fast.

JEFF Sandy, you showed up on your second date with a scrapbook of your first date!

MICHAEL enters…

SANDY & JEFF Surprise!

HE looks around to see who else is there. No one.

TooTsie

— 13 —

SANDY Happy Birthday, Michael!

MICHAEL Aww. I appreciate my friends celebrating me.

JEFF Well, Sandy’s codependent and I live here.

SANDY Plus you promised you’d help me rehearse for that big audition. I’ve been so stressed.

MICHAEL Sandy, you’re always stressed. Maybe you should talk to someone.

SANDY I tried. I just didn’t think a therapist should say “wow” that many times during a first session.

MICHAEL Fine. What’s the audition for?

SANDY Juliet’s Curse. A musical continuation of Romeo and Juliet. To sell tickets they cast a reality star to play the lead.

MICHAEL That sounds horrible!

SANDY The actress playing The Nurse got “injured.”

(SHE makes a “drinking” then “snorting” gesture. Then slaps her upper arm.)

They’re already in rehearsal, so they’re desperate.

MICHAEL What’s the scene?

SANDY The repressed Nurse discovers Juliet’s plan to take the sleeping potion and is warning her about the dangers.

— 14 —

TooTsie

MICHAEL Alright, let’s run it.

SHE does a slight, intense warm up, then…

SANDY Okay. “I give this warning to you with grave concern. The slightest mistake will have the most dire of consequences.”

MICHAEL What is that?

JEFF What are you playing?

SANDY Fear.

JEFF That’s fear?

SANDY Fear and concern. You know I have a problem separating my emotions.

MICHAEL Well there are a hundred other actors auditioning for this who don’t!

SANDY —”I give this warning to you”

MICHAEL —I don’t believe you!

SANDY —”With grave concern”

MICHAEL —She could lose her child!

SANDY —”The slightest mistake will have the most dire of consequences.”

TooTsie

JEFF Is she deranged?

SANDY Fine! You show me!

MICHAEL What are you doing, southern? “I give this warning to you with grave concern. The slightest mistake will have the most dire of consequences.”

SANDY See, you’re even a better woman than I am.

MICHAEL You’ve got this Sandy.

SANDY No I don’t, Michael…

#3 — What ’s G onna H appen I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN I’LL TRY TO GO TO BED WITH FEAR OF FAILURE FLAPPIN’ LIKE A FRUIT BAT IN MY HEAD I’LL SLEEP FOR HALF AN HOUR THE CLOCK’LL RING AT SIX I’LL WAKE UP IN THE SHOWER WITH A STOMACH FULL OF BRICKS SO I WON’T HAVE ANY BREAKFAST, MAYBE JUST A LITTLE TEA, LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO AND GET A COLONOSCOPY WHICH INCIDENT’LLY ISN’T HALF AS DISCONCERTING OR UPSETTING AS GOING FOR A PART YOU KNOW THERE’S NO WAY THAT YOU’RE GETTING. BUT ANYWAY I’M HEADING

— 15 —

— 16 —

TooTsie

(SANDY) DOWNTOWN FOR THE AUDITION WHERE EVERYTHING I’M DREADING’LL BE COMING TO FRUITION AND HERE’S WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN: I’LL WALK IN WEAK WITH HUNGER AND THERE’S A DOZEN GIRLS WHO LOOK LIKE ME BUT TEN YEARS YOUNGER I’LL GO INTO THE BATHROOM AND I’LL TRY TO VOCALIZE. AND I’LL BE SINGING “MINGA MINGA MINGA MINGA MING” BUT I’LL BE HEARING “SANDY SUCKS, SHE REALLY SUCKS SHE REALLY REALLY REALLY BLOWS— AND SHE’S OLD, AND SHE’S LAME,” AND THEN SOMEONE CALLS MY NAME— AND HERE’S WHAT HAPPENS: I’LL WALK INTO THE ROOM, THE GROSS FLUORESCENT LIGHTING AS INVITING AS A TOMB. AND EVERYBODY SMILES. THEY’LL SAY “IT’S GOOD TO SEE YA!” BUT ALL I’LL SEE IS JUDGES AND THEY’LL ALL LOOK LIKE SCALIA AND THEN A LITTLE BANTER AS THEY LOOK ME UP AND DOWN AND SOMEWHERE THROUGH THE FOG OF INSECURITY AND HATE I’LL TRY TO CONVINCE THEM THAT I’M CHARMING AND I’M CLEVER AND I’M FUN TO HAVE AROUND. BUT I’M STARTING TO UNRAVEL IN MY HEAD I HEAR THE GAVEL

(BANG) “GUILTY!” THEY’RE GONNA THROW THE BOOK AT ME CAUSE I’M:

TooTsie

— 17 —

(SANDY) (BANG) “GUILTY!” OF COMING IN AND WASTING ALL THEIR TIME

(BANG) “GUILTY!” OF ALMOST EVERY OTHER SHOWBIZ CRIME: NOT YOUNG ENOUGH, NOT THIN ENOUGH, NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, NOT GOOD ENOUGH—

“We hereby sentence you to a lifetime of waiting tables, and debilitating self loathing.“

MICHAEL Sandy—

SANDY BUT WAIT! NOW SOMEONE’S ASKIN’ “SO CAN WE HEAR YOUR VOICE” I MAKE A LAME ATTEMPT AT HUMOR— “DO I HAVE A CHOICE?” I NOD AT THE PIANIST, HE’S ALWAYS WEARING BLACK HE’S ALWAYS IN A TURTLE-NECK WITH DANDRUFF ON HIS BACK NO SOONER DO I GET MY NOTE, AND OPEN UP MY TRAP THEN INEVITABLY SOME MEALY-MOUTHED ASSISTANT DIRECTOR’S THUMBS ARE ALL OVER HIS IPHONE AND I KNOW HE’S PROBABLY TWEETING “LOL, THIS GIRL IS CRAP!” SHE’S A FAKE, SHE’S A PHONY SHE COULD NEVER WIN A TONY®— AND NOW I’M IN A PLACE I KNOW QUITE WELL I’VE LEFT THE WORLD, AND I’VE ENTERED HELL I’M THIS FAR AWAY FROM A FAINTING SPELL BUT JUST BEFORE I DIE, I— FINISH THE SONG (WHICH I OVERSELL), SOMEBODY SAYS “THANKS” AND WISHES ME WELL

— 18 —

TooTsie

(SANDY) THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I’M AT TACO-BELL, STUFFING MY FACE WITH MEAT I’M TRYING TO TAKE IT SLOWLY I’M TRYING TO BE MY BEST I’M TRYING TO BE MORE HOLY, LESS BITTER AND DEPRESSED I’M READING ECKHART TOLLE, HE MAKES A LOT OF SENSE I BOUGHT A BUDDHIST BOWL HE SAYS IT HELPS YOU BE LESS TENSE

SHE strikes a copper meditation bowl to calm down. It fails.

IT DOESN’T DO A THING FOR ME, I SIT THERE ON THE FLOOR AND WATCH A VIVID SEQUENCE OF HUMILIATING INCIDENTS FROM MY PAST GO BY AND THINK WHAT KIND OF MASOCHIST KEEPS COMING BACK FOR MORE, WHEN SHE KNOWS WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN, ‘CAUSE IT NEVER DOESN’T HAPPEN, ‘CAUSE IT ALWAYS—

MICHAEL Sandy—

SANDY ALWAYS!

MICHAEL Sandy!

SANDY MICHAEL, NO! I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN DON’T TELL ME THAT I DON’T AND DON’T SAY THAT I’LL RISE TO THE OCCASION ‘CAUSE I WON’T AND DON’T SAY I’VE GOT TALENT AND DON’T SAY I’VE GOT HEART AND DON’T SAY THAT I’M CLEVER

TooTsie

(SANDY) ‘CAUSE I KNOW I’M PRETTY SMART— I’M SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT I’M TOO STUPID TO ADMIT YOU CAN’T SURVIVE A DIET THAT CONSISTS OF EATING SHIT. THE TRICK IS KNOWING WHEN IT’S TIME TO PACK YOUR BAGS AND SAY “THAT’S IT!” YOU KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN? I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN! HERE’S WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN I QUIT. I QUIT. I QUIT.

#3 A— Wh at ’ s G onna H appe n ( Playof f )

— 19 —

— 20 —

TooTsie

SCENE 4. STAN’S OFFICE—THAT AFTERNOON

67$1 LV RQ WKH SKRQH LQ KLV WLQ\ RIÀFH 0,&+$(/ EXUVWV LQ ZDYLQJ WKH VLGHV KH UHDG with Sandy.

MICHAEL There’s a new Romeo and Juliet musical. Why wasn’t I sent in for that? Aren’t you supposed to be my agent, Stan?

STAN (Into phone) Nancy, I’ll call you back. An actor just walked in so it must be important.

(To Michael) Michael, I was on the phone with the coast.

MICHAEL New York is a coast too, Stan.

STAN New York is a congested island lodged between two cesspools, and I’m the lifeguard making sure actors don’t drown in their own narcissism. Now what do you want?

MICHAEL A job! What about that new play I read for? “Anywhere But Nowhere.” You said you’d push.

STAN I pushed. They wanted a name.

MICHAEL I’m a name. Michael Dorsey is a name.

STAN To the IRS and your mother Michael Dorsey’s a name. Besides, it’s already been cast.

MICHAEL Who got it?

STAN John Edgars.

TooTsie

— 21 —

MICHAEL Seriously? I can act circles around that guy! We did a play in the round. I actually acted circles around him! I’m a great actor, Stan.

STAN You’re also a temperamental actor. You couldn’t shoot a simple commercial without fighting with the director over your character’s “truth!” You were playing a tomato.

MICHAEL He wanted me to sit. A tomato can’t sit. It wasn’t logical!

STAN A tomato doesn’t have logic!! A tomato can’t move!!

MICHAEL That’s what I said! So if it can’t move, how is it going to sit?! I was a sexy, stand-up, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like me! I bust my ass to get a part right.

STAN Yet you have this destructive impulse to change everything!

MICHAEL I just try to make things better!

STAN Why?!

MICHAEL Because better is better!

STAN Michael, we’re friends, so normally I wouldn’t be this honest, but here it is. You fight with everyone. You get fired from everything. People hate you.

MICHAEL No one hates me.

STAN No one likes you. You’re arrogant and difficult. A director told me he’d rather watch a 3-D movie of his own conception than ever work with you again.

— 22 —

TooTsie

MICHAEL What I am is committed. Acting is a battlefield, and I fight naked and exposed!

STAN Well the war’s over, get dressed and go home! You lost.

MICHAEL Are you calling me a loser, Stan?

STAN Oh no. I am not getting sucked into this conversation.

MICHAEL Maybe you just aren’t a good enough agent to get me into those rooms.

STAN And maybe you need to reexamine your life. You have one of the worst reputations in this town. No one will hire you!

MICHAEL You’re wrong Stan! And I’ll prove you’re wrong!

STAN All you’ll prove is that you’re unmanageable and unemployable. Just another 40 year old actor without a job, or an agent.

0,&+$(/ VWRUPV RXW DV 6WDQ·V RIÀFH GLVDSSHDUV 0LFKDHO LV VWLOO KROGLQJ WKH SDJHV IURP Sandy’s play.

#4 — Whad dya D o ( R e pr i se 1)

MICHAEL SO WHAT AM I, I’M STUCK

ENSEMBLE STUCK

MICHAEL STRUGGLING IN THE MUCK

ENSEMBLE MUCK

TooTsie

MICHAEL STANDING HERE ALL PURPLE AND PERPLEXED

ENSEMBLE OOH

MICHAEL CAUGHT IN THE GAP BETWEEN

MICHAEL & ENSEMBLE “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?”

MICHAEL AND “WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT?”

ENSEMBLE WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN?

MICHAEL WHADDYA DO? IT’S NATURE’S LAW, THE CARDS YOU’RE DEALT THE CARDS YOU DRAW PERHAPS THE HAND YOU’VE GOT WILL NEVER WIN.

HE looks at the pages in his hands and gets a thought.

MAYBE YOU’RE OUT OF ROPE. MAYBE YOU’RE OUT OF HOPE. SO WHADDYA DO? YOU GO ALL IN! WELL, I’M ALL IN!

— 23 —

— 24 —

TooTsie

SCENE 5. REHEARSAL ROOM—DAY

Sitting behind a table are RON, the director we saw earlier; RITA, the Producer; STUART, the composer; and SUZIE, the lyricist. One by one we see different actresses auditioning. As each auditions, the producers rudely talk to each other.

#5 — I Won ’t Le t Y ou D ow n ( A udit ions)

GIRL 1 I WON’T LET YOU DOWN BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN SEE I’M HERE AND ALIVE

RON Thank you, honey. Next.

GIRL 2 I WON’T LET YOU DOWN BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE—

RON Thank you, sweetie. Next.

We see the next person singing for them is SANDY.

SANDY I WON’T LET YOU DOWN BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME

RON Thank you.

SANDY You’re welcome.

BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN SEE

RON Thank you.

TooTsie

— 25 —

SANDY You’re welcome.

I’M HERE AND ALIVE.

RON That’s all we need. Thank you.

SANDY Oh. You’re welcome.

(Last try) I’M HERE AND A—

Okay then.

SHE walks out. The STAGE MANAGER calls out.

STAGE MANAGER Next? Next?

DOROTHY [O.S.] Hi, yes, I’m coming. Excuse me, excuse me. I’m Dorothy Michaels.

,Q D ÁRZLQJ SULQW GUHVV ZLWK SHUIHFWO\ GRQH KDLU DQG FDUHIXOO\ DSSOLHG PDNH XS DOROTHY MICHAELS pushes through both doors and emerges. SHE sees Ron and, startled, turns away. RON approaches her, looking at her intensely.

RON You!

(Beat) Stand here!

DOROTHY Yes. I thought I’d start with the song.

RITA What about her?

RON —Nope. She didn’t even look like this! Nope.

You call that talent? Nope, too nope. My God No!

DOROTHY —Unless you’d like the scene work first? I could do it either way, if you’d prefer—

— 26 —

TooTsie

RITA (Overlapping) This one had no talent. Not right. She couldn’t sing it—

DOROTHY Excuse me. Excuse me! I’m sorry, but to us actors, this is a chance. It’s a victory or a failure or a lesson, but a chance. We battle our fears just walking through that door and I think that deserves some courtesy, and shame on you if you don’t.

RITA Is this for real or are you just auditioning for the part?

DOROTHY Which answer gives me an advantage?

RITA (Impressed) Well good for you. I’m Rita Marshall, the Producer. And these are our writers, Stuart and Suzie.

STUART I’m Suzie.

THEY both chuckle, then…

SUZIE He’s kidding. I’M Suzie.

THEY laugh.

RITA Aren’t they fun. And this is our director-choreographer, Ron Carlisle.

RON (Obviously) She knows who I am.

DOROTHY Yes. We’ve all seen what you can do to a musical, Mr. Carlisle.

TooTsie

RON Do I know you, honey?

DOROTHY Not well enough to call me honey.

RON Thanks anyway, but I’m envisioning more of a “not you” type.

DOROTHY Mr. Carlisle. I’m an actress. A character actress. I can play this part any way you want.

RITA Why not see what she can do.

DOROTHY —Thank you. Sister.

RON Rita, I’m the director!

RITA —And I write the checks.

RON —Why not see what she can do.

DOROTHY Yes, let’s all see what I can do, shall we? The loving Nurse comforts a young Juliet.

SHE signals the piano player.

#6 — I Won ’t Le t Y ou D ow n I’VE ALWAYS IMAGINED THAT YOU ARE THE FLOWER AND I AM THE DIRT MY WORLD SPINS AROUND YOU. WHENEVER YOU FALL I’M THE ONE WHO GETS HURT.

— 27 —

— 28 —

TooTsie

(DOROTHY) I GIVE YOU ALL I HAVE, GIVE ME ONE THING IN RETURN— HELP ME HELP YOU TO HELP ME TO HELP YOU TO HELP ME TO HELP YOU TO LEARN… THAT I WON’T LET YOU DOWN. I’LL GIVE YOU MY HEART AND SOUL. I’LL BE HERE TO PLAY ANY ROLE YOU NEED ME TO PLAY. I WON’T LET YOU DOWN, WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE. YOU GIVE ME YOUR TRUST, I GIVE YOU MY WORD I WON’T LET YOU DOWN.

RON Thank you.

RITA Keep going.

RON Keep going.

DOROTHY NOBODY SEES ME AND NOBODY LISTENS AND NOBODY CARES. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT’S IN HERE LOVE AND DEVOTION THAT NEEDS TO BE SHARED.

(To PIANIST) Pick it up.

I WON’T LET YOU DOWN

(To PIANIST) That’s good, thank you.

BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME, BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN SEE I’M HERE AND ALIVE. I WON’T LET YOU DOWN

TooTsie

(DOROTHY) ‘CAUSE WHEN I FELT EMPTY INSIDE YOU FILLED UP MY CUP, YOU LIFTED ME UP—I WON’T LET YOU DOWN.

(To PIANIST) Whole step please.

I’LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN. I’LL DO WHAT YOU NEED ME TO DO. I PROMISE I’LL ALWAYS COME THROUGH. JUST CALL AND I’M THERE. I WON’T LET YOU DOWN, WHOEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE. YOU GIVE ME YOUR TRUST, I GIVE YOU MY WORD, I WON’T LET YOU DOWN. PLEASE MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE REMEMBER MY VOICE I WON’T LET YOU DOWN. JUST GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT I LOVE YOU A LOT I WON’T LET YOU DOWN. I WON’T LET YOU DOWN.

HE stands there, exhausted. THEY gaze at him, stunned.

#6 A— I W on’ t L et Y ou D o wn (P layof f )

— 29 —

— 30 —

TooTsie

SCENE 6.—LIGHTS BACK UP ON THE RESTAURANT—EVENING

DOROTHY enters and sits in Jeff’s section. JEFF approaches.

JEFF Good evening, and welcome to On The Bone, Times Square’s most unfortunately named steakhouse.

DOROTHY Forgive me for staring, but you are a handsome and strikingly fit man. You must be extremely disciplined to stay this… stalwart.

JEFF I believe the secret to achieving any goal is to do what you can, then tell people that was the goal.

DOROTHY Let me guess. You’re a… model, no… writer!

JEFF You are both perceptive and charming. But tonight, I’m a waiter, here to deliver you a mid-level culinary experience.

DOROTHY Well then, I’d like the filet. Medium. And an Iced Tea. With a paper straw. And some mint. And a Dubonnet. With a twist. And if that’s too much to remember, I could write a list and twenty years from now you could take it out to see how much of it you’ve accomplished.

JEFF tries to rectify what he heard with what he is seeing.

Dorothy Michaels.

JEFF Okay! You wanna talk about it?

MICHAEL I got a job. In the musical Sandy auditioned for.

JEFF Wait. You auditioned for a part in a Broadway musical, dressed as a—female quaker, and got it?

TooTsie

— 31 —

MICHAEL I didn’t just get it. I nailed it! I start rehearsal tomorrow!

JEFF You can’t be serious? At a time when women are literally clutching their power back from between the legs of men, you have the audacity to take a job away from one by perpetrating one?

MICHAEL You’re not focusing on the positive here, Jeff. I got the part! I won!

JEFF No. You didn’t. You’re pretending to be a woman to get a job! And you know you’ll have to take a pay cut.

MICHAEL No one would hire me as a man.

JEFF Michael, we’ve been friends a long time. You’ve seen me so drunk, I sat on the toilet and tried to fasten my seatbelt. So I’m going to be as honest as you’re not being. What this is, is a lie. A deceit. An insult to women, all women, old women, young women, gay, straight, transgender women, all women, real women, which you’re not!

MICHAEL What I am is an actor creating a character.

JEFF Of a woman! Which you are not.

MICHAEL No, but Dorothy is!

JEFF Okay, assuming there’s a parallel universe where any of that isn’t offensive, what are you going to tell Sandy?

MICHAEL Because I got the part she wanted?

— 32 —

TooTsie

JEFF This was her part?! She lost her part to you!?

MICHAEL You think she’ll get emotional?

JEFF Emotional? Sandy? The girl who once choked on her food just so someone would hold her?

MICHAEL Fine. Then we won’t tell her.

JEFF And even if you do master this “Faye Dunaway as a gym coach, glittering, clearance sale, Jack Sparrow” character you’ve created, how can you possibly sustain it? If you think you’ll get away with this, your head is so far up your ass you’re going to smudge your eye liner.

MICHAEL First of all, I don’t think you should be telling me what I can do with my body. And second, I am getting away with this. Oh, and I need to borrow money for clothes.

JEFF (Re: his dress) What’s wrong with that?

MICHAEL I can’t wear the same outfit twice! Be honest, does this make me look… heavy?

JEFF No. You look—difficult to abduct.

MICHAEL Give me your money.

JEFF Fine! What about her past? Everyone has a digital footprint!

TooTsie

— 33 —

MICHAEL That’s why you’re going to write a viral history for her. We’ll give Dorothy a digital backstory that is inspiring, yet humbling. We know enough plays, we’ll pull from them.

JEFF Michael, if God is a woman, you are going to hell.

MICHAEL Jeff, I’ve waited my entire career for a part this good. Trust me, Dorothy Michaels is going to change my life forever!

— 34 —

TooTsie

SCENE 7. REHEARSAL STUDIO—DAY

The ENSEMBLE is rehearsing a number.

#6 B—Ron Car li sl e in H i s El em e nt

RON Five-six-seven-eight.

It’s not going well.

Stop! Stop! I need accentuated movements. One-two-watch-me!

#6 C— Ron’ s D ance Br eak BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE FOSSE ARM, FOSSE ARM RESTLESS LEG YEAH CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB DANGER DANGER, FLOOR IS LAVA HOT HOT, LAVA HOT JULIE TAYMOR, JULIE TAYMOR FIDGET SPINNER, AND THEN LAP DANCE BRAIN FREEZE, BRAIN FREEZE TINY FINGERS, TAKE A SELFIE TURN IT OUT AND POSE!

This is text book Broadway, people.

Suddenly, DOROTHY enters. All heads turn to face her.

DOROTHY Oh. Hello. I hope I’m not late.

RON We’re about to do your scene. What’s your name again, precious?

DOROTHY Michael… s. Dorothy Michaels.

TooTsie

— 35 —

RON (To the room) Me please! Me! Me! This is Dorothy Michaels. She’ll be playing our Nurse.

DOROTHY Hello!

The STAGE MANAGER approaches.

STAGE MANAGER There are new pages, everyone. Here’s your script, Miss Michaels.

DOROTHY Are we going to read through it?

RON —Julie, darling, when you’re ready.

DOROTHY —I guess not.

Suddenly, JULIE NICHOLS approaches. She’s beautiful, simple, in control.

JULIE Hi.

DOROTHY Hi. I’m so sorry. I haven’t had any time with the material.

JULIE There isn’t enough time. Julie Nichols.

DOROTHY Dorothy Michaels.

RON Scene three. Page 28. The crypt. There’s a chilling discovery. Juliet is dead. And… Nurse!

THEY take their places. JULIET lays next to ROMEO, a dagger in her heart.

MICHAEL reads the script and reacts as he goes.

— 36 —

TooTsie

NURSE “The child I raised as my own is gone. Killed by love.”

RON Now Juliet wakes up.

NURSE I’m sorry, Juliet wakes up?

JULIET (Waking up, unsure) “Nurse?”

DOROTHY Yes she does.

(Reading) “Juliet? Alive? Who would believe this?” She even says that.

RON But what’s this? The dagger has pierced the case containing the potion, sparing the girls life!

DOROTHY What?

RON She sees her dead lover’s body, when suddenly, Romeo’s brother enters. That’s you Max.

MAX VAN HORN, 30’s, built, handsome, with limited acting skills and reading as he goes, enters.

DOROTHY Wait. Brother? Romeo has a—

CRAIG —”Brother?”

DOROTHY —Yes he does.

TooTsie

— 37 —

CRAIG “Are you here? Rome… o? And who be this? (He touches her butt.) But, soft. What light through yonder… “ (Beat.) It says a window breaks?

DOROTHY Oh dear God.

JULIET “I am Juliet. Romeo spoke often of his brother. Craig.”

CRAIG “And did he mention this?”

HE rips his shirt open, looking around the room for approval.

“Your beauty is unlike any I have seen.”

JULIET “Sir, if Romeo knew of this seduction, he would dig his way out of his grave and haunt us.”

NURSE “Let him dig, dear, we’ll bury him upside down.” I’m sorry, Ron? I’m not sure I know what’s going on. Can we at least have a discussion?

RON My discussions… are with me. Julie, precious. A word… (As he guides her away) I’m moving you, I’m not touching you…

MICHAEL watches. He is then approached by MAX.

MAX Max Van Horn.

DOROTHY Hi. Yes. Dorothy Michaels.

MAX Taking the shirt off was my idea. It’s what they’re coming for.

DOROTHY Is it?

— 38 —

TooTsie

MAX You know, ever since I won Race To Bachelor Island, I’ve only had one dream. Maybe it’s because I’m a light sleeper. That dream is to astonish on a stage.

DOROTHY You may just get that dream.

MAX Now, I have fame, but you know what I don’t have?

DOROTHY

MAX

Talent?

Respect.

MAX So before I started, I got motivated by reading this book by Shakespeare!

DOROTHY Which one?

MAX William! My acting coach, Randy, he says I’m different.

DOROTHY In what way?

MAX (Using Randy’s voice) “Max, you’re different.” I think it would be good for us to rehearse together outside of here.

DOROTHY Sure. We should exhchange numbers.

MAX Won’t that confuse people trying to call us? You know—I feel a connection with you, Dorothy. Together, I will make magic on that stage.

(He bows) Namaste. Now-I’m-a-go.

TooTsie

— 39 —

RON Alright everyone. Let’s begin the song celebrating Juliet’s survival, and prepare to weather a tsunami of Ron Carlisle brilliance.

#7 — I ’m A li ve

JULIET ON MY BACK, IN MY BED IT WAS DARK, I WAS DEAD.

WOMEN (GASP!)

JULIET COULDN’T MOVE, COULDN’T WALK, COULDN’T BREATHE, AND I SURE COULDN’T TALK. NO MORE DUSK, NO MORE DAWN, THIS WAS IT, I WAS GONE.

WOMEN NO!

JULIET BUT THEN, LO! THERE’S A LIGHT AND SURPRISE, SURPRISE— I OPEN MY EYES— I’M ALIVE, I’M ALIVE GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, I’M ALIVE! DON’T HOLD YOUR NOSE I WON’T DECOMPOSE I SMELL LIKE A ROSE, I’M ALIVE!

JULIET

WOMEN

MEN

MY WORLD WAS A DUD

SHE’S ALIVE

LOTS OF DEATH,

SHE’S ALIVE

LOTS OF BLOOD.

SHE’S ALIVE BLOOD!

SO MY LIFE I WOULD TAKE

SHE’S ALIVE

— 40 —

TooTsie

JULIET

WOMEN

BUT NOW I’M THINKING

MEN SHE’S ALIVE!

THAT’S A BIG MISTAKE I’M ALIVE. I’M ALIVE!

AH—

AH—

HALLELUJAH I’M ALIVE!

JULIET THE BIRDS AND THE BEES AND THE SUN AND THE TREES AND THE WINE AND THE CHEESE

MEN

WOMEN

SHE’S ALIVE, SHE’S ALIVE.

AH— ALIVE, ALIVE

SHE WAS ALMOST DEAD, BUT SHE’S ALIVE. ALIVE!

JULIET WHAT CAN I SAY? I GOT CARRIED AWAY, BUT NOW’S A NEW DAY— I’M ALIVE!

RON Accentuated movements, people!

BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! FOSSE FOSSE! FOSSE FOSSE! BRAIN FREEZE THE FLOOR IS LAVA

RON & ENSEMBLE HOT HOT HOT HOT IT’S HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT

RON HAPPY BUNNY, FUNNY BUNNY FRIGHTENED BUNNY IN THE HOLE! WHERE’S THE BUNNY? WHERE’S THE BUNNY?

TooTsie

— 41 —

(RON) HE’S GOT A FIDGET SPINNER, GO! BYE FELICIA! TAKE A SELFIE, BE A HATER LAP DANCE, TURN IT OUT AND WHEEL ‘EM IN!

JULIET

ENSEMBLE

I’M ALIVE, I’M ALIVE!

ALIVE! ALIVE!

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I’M ALIVE!

ALIVE! ALIVE!

MAX AND HERE’S THE HEADLINE: SHE’S GONNA BE MINE

JULIET I REALLY DODGED A BULLET ALL THE PLUMBING’S WORKING THANK GOD THEY DIDN’T BURY ME ‘CAUSE I’M ALIVE!

ENSEMBLE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE!

MAX & ENSEMBLE WE CAN’T OVERSTATE IT, YOU’RE NOT CREMATED

JULIET

MAX & ENSEMBLE

IT’S REALLY, REALLY GREAT THAT I’M…

IT’S REALLY, REALLY GREAT THAT YOU’RE…

ALL ALIVE!

As the song ends, DOROTHY/MICHAEL is stunned.

STAGE MANAGER That’s lunch.

#7 A— I ’m A l i ve (P l ayof f )

— 42 —

TooTsie

SCENE 8. SMALL PARK—THAT AFTERNOON

DOROTHY and JULIE enter a park, both of them frustrated.

DOROTHY So, I just have one question. What the hell was that?!

JULIE I know! Romeo is lucky. He gets to die early.

DOROTHY The biggest tragedy is that Max! He must be quite talented to be able to conceal it so well.

We deserve better than a show where we don’t know who to sympathize with, other than the audience.

JULIE I like you, Dorothy. You speak your mind.

DOROTHY Why have a mind if you don’t!

JULIE Exactly! So, where are you from?

DOROTHY Oh, ah, well, I grew up in a quaint little Hamlet. Momma and Daddy were farmers.

Momma died of pneumonia about the time my brother left for college, so I took over the fields.

JULIE (Beat) That sounds like Our Town.

DOROTHY Yes. Maybe too much.

On that, RON enters…

RON —Julie, love!

TooTsie

DOROTHY —Speaking of too much.

RON I had a feeling you’d be here.

JULIE You did ask me where I was going.

RON And you were right! I must say you looked beautiful in rehearsal.

DOROTHY Beautiful? Yes, but she also made some very smart acting choices.

RON I’ve been desperately trying to steal time alone with you to chat about your character.

You’ve been quite slippery, but I don’t give up.

JULIE That says more about your character than mine.

RON (Changing tactics) Plus, I’ve been so upset lately and wanted a woman to talk to. I recently ended a relationship.

JULIE I’m so sorry.

RON It’s okay. It wasn’t mine.

JULIE How about we do this another day, Ron?

RON Of course. No means another day.

— 43 —

— 44 —

TooTsie

DOROTHY I’d be happy to chat about my character any time, Ron.

RON Are you sure we haven’t met? I feel like I’ve been annoyed by you before this.

HE gives Dorothy a threatening look, then leaves.

DOROTHY He’s the real problem. They should take all pompous men like him and just stick them on an island somewhere.

JULIE They did. It’s called Manhattan.

DOROTHY So… are you interested?

JULIE Please. Ron’s not even my type on tequila.

DOROTHY Then why not just tell him?

JULIE Because he’s a director who hired me, who talks to other directors who hire me, and for all the progress we’ve made, we have more to go. So until there are as many of “us” in positions of power as there are “them,” I handle it.

DOROTHY I’d handle it by kneeing his balls through the roof of his mouth?

JULIE Why do something he’d enjoy? Listen, I just don’t let anything, or anyone, get in the way of what I want.

DOROTHY And, (fishing) is there “anyone” in your life now?

TooTsie

— 45 —

JULIE No. There was someone. A while back. We wanted very different things. And you know this life. You have to be willing to sacrifice everything for that one thing.

#8 — The r e W as J ohn I WAS THE GIRL IN THE BUBBLE AT SCHOOL BEHIND MY OWN PERSONAL WALL FOR PROTECTION I’D SIT THERE ALONE LIKE A FOOL I NEVER WAS ABLE TO MAKE A CONNECTION THEN ONE DAY I TRIED OUT FOR THE PLAY I’LL NEVER FORGET IT, “A FLEA IN HER EAR” AND I WAS SUDDENLY SOMEONE WITH SOMETHING TO SAY MAKING A SOUND EV’RYBODY COULD HEAR AND SUDDENLY EV’RYTHING MADE SOME SENSE. THEN I SAW THIS GUY IN THE AUDIENCE ‘CAUSE THERE WAS JOHN, FIFTH ROW ON THE AISLE WITH A BIG SMILE ON AND AFTER THE SHOW HE CAME BACKSTAGE AND NOW THAT THIS BIRDIE WAS OUT OF HER CAGE WELL, EV’RYTHING WAS OKAY. WE DATE FOR A YEAR, THEN WE’RE CO-HABITATING THEN I GET A BIG CHANCE TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP— AWAY FROM A JOB I WAS HATING AND INTO A SLOT IN THE REGIONAL REP IN REHEARSAL ALL DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY CREATING AND PLAYING IN PLAY AFTER PLAY AND NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, IGNITING THE SPARK CONNECTING WITH ALL OF THOSE FOLKS IN THE DARK AND JOHN, WAS THERE, THERE WITH THE SMILE AND HIS HANDS IN THE AIR CLAPPING FOR ME AND BACK HOME WE’D GO, HAPPY TOGETHER FOR EIGHT OR NINE HOURS OR SO AND EV’RYTHING WAS OKAY AND THEN I’D BE GONE AGAIN—

— 46 —

TooTsie

(JULIE) THIS LIFE TAKES EV’RYTHING YOU GIVE IT, LIKE A PUPPY OR A KID

JULIE & DOROTHY BUT IF YOU REALLY LOVE IT, YOU LIVE IT

JULIE AND THAT’S WHAT I DID. PLAYED CAROUSEL ON THE ROAD FOR THE WINTER, FROM APRIL TO JUNE, I TOURED CABARET THEN MOTHER COURAGE IN STOCK IN NEW ENGLAND ALL SUMMER AND JOHN TRIED TO CALL ALMOST EV’RYDAY HE TOLD ME HE WANTED SOME KIDS AND A WIFE AND THAT’S WHEN I REALIZED, THIS IS MY LIFE. I’D MADE MY CHOICE, BUT I NEVER EXPRESSED IT AND WHEN I GOT HOME, CAN YOU GUESS—

DOROTHY YEAH, I GUESSED IT.

JULIE JOHN WAS GONE. EV’RYTHING ON THE LEFT OF THE CLOSET WAS GONE. HIS ELECTRIC GUITAR AND HIS AMP AND HIS CAR WERE GONE. JUST POOF THERE I WAS STANDING, UNDER OUR ROOF ALONE… AND YES MY HEART WAS ALMOST BROKEN BUT I MADE MY CHOICE AND I’D MAKE IT AGAIN AND NOW, WHERE’S JOHN? I THINK PORTLAND, MAINE OR MAYBE IT’S OREGON. WITH A KID AND A WIFE AND HERE IS ME, ANOTHER DRESSING ROOM, NUMBER ONE THOUSAND AND THREE EXACTLY WHERE I SHOULD BE EXACTLY WHERE WE SHOULD BE AND EV’RYTHING’S OKAY

TooTsie

— 47 —

(JULIE) More than okay. Here I am, in a show that makes me want to be a better actress, so I can be in better shows.

DOROTHY Julie, maybe we need to take our fate into our own hands. Maybe WE need to make it better.

JULIE Craig could walk in and fall for the nurse and it would be better.

DOROTHY You know what? It would.

JULIE (Catching on) Hell hath no fury like two actresses scorned.

DOROTHY We’ll give it a few days, then here’s what I’m thinking…

— 48 —

TooTsie

SCENE 9. REHEARSAL ROOM—A WEEK LATER

RITA, RON, STUART and SUZIE watch MAX rehearse a dance with swords that ends LQ 0D[·V VKLUW Á\LQJ RII '2527+< DQG -8/,( HQWHU

MAX You cannot keep me from my brother. A plaque on both your houses.

RON He breaks into the crypt.

DOROTHY Okay, Julie, today’s the day. Are you ready?

JULIE I am so ready!

THEY shake hands in agreement.

RON The nurse sees her lifeless child. But what’s this?

JULIET “Nurse?”

RON “Nurse?”

NURSE “Juliet? Alive?”

NURSE

RON

“Who would believe this?”

“Who would believe this?”

RON The brother enters.

#8 A— Cr a ig V i c t or i ous

CRAIG “Brother? Are you here? Rome… o?”

RON “Brother? Are you here? Rome… o?”

TooTsie

CRAIG “And who be this?”

DOROTHY gets behind JULIE, as if CRAIG is speaking to her.

NURSE —”Who be this, you ask? I am Juliet’s Nurse. Nurse.”

MAX looks around, unsure what to do.

CRAIG (To Juliet) Uh… “your beauty is unlike any I have seen.”

NURSE “But sir, we’ve just met!”

MAX (Unsure) No… I was talking to—

NURSE —”Me! You were talking to me!”

MAX —What’s happening?

RON —What’s happening?

MAX —What’s happening?

RON —What’s happening?

JULIET “But Nurse, he is my chance at happiness.”

— 49 —

— 50 —

TooTsie

NURSE “Dear Child, you can’t help who you fall in love with. And I am who he has fallen in love with.”

RON —What the hell is happening?

The NURSE pulls CRAIG downstage and demands his attention.

NURSE “No, look at me if you want me, Sir!”

MAX Wow. You are a strong woman. I like it.

RON Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! What the—stop—hell was that?

DOROTHY Rita, it was an impulse; A chance to see a woman in her prime, express her desires.

JULIE As her young ward learns her happiness is not dependent on a man.

RITA (Curious) Keep talking…

DOROTHY A story of two women living their unfulfilled potential!

RON —Listen, honey, I’ve endured a week of this insurgence of interruptions from that foghorn voice. It stops now. Now!

DOROTHY We’re just trying to give these characters some depth, since we’re the ones playing them.

RON And I’m the one with the vision for this musical!

TooTsie

— 51 —

DOROTHY Good. What is it?

RON You think this is my first show? Trust me, precious, I know a thing or two.

DOROTHY That’s really not an impressive number of things to know.

RON If you don’t like how I do things, Tootsie, you can leave.

DOROTHY My name is Dorothy. Not precious, or honey, or Tootsie. Stuart is always Stuart. Max is always Max. Dorothy. And this nurse. And I’m just trying to find something to play.

RON You’re suggesting (Re: Max’s chest) that, would fall for (Re: Dorothy) that?

DOROTHY Why not?

JULIE Because she’s not a traditional beauty?

DOROTHY Because she’s past her socially imposed prime?

RON Yes! My God, yes!

JULIE She can drive the romance of a story.

DOROTHY She has desires, too.

RON She’s the Nurse. Who cares what she wants?

— 52 —

TooTsie

DOROTHY (Calmly) I think you’re wrong.

RON My God, you don’t have to get hysterical!

DOROTHY I’m just saying what everyone in this room is thinking.

EVERYONE takes a step towards Dorothy. MAX raises his hand.

MAX You should listen to her. She’s smart. And sturdy.

RON Rita? We don’t think this idea is good, do we?

RITA Ron, I’ve got twelve million riding on this show. None of it mine. Sometimes you have to take a risk. You know how my parents taught us to swim? They said “get this wrong and you’ll die.” At that moment, I lost all fear, and a half brother I wasn’t that close to. I’m gonna gamble on the smartest voice in the room, especially when it’s coming from… a woman.

#9 — I Lik e W hat S he’ s D oi ng (P ar t 1) I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING THIS MIGHT BE A THING SHE’S GIVING IT FEELING SHE’S MAKING IT SING SHE’S FUN BUT PROFOUND LET’S NOT SHUT THIS DOWN I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING WHAT SHE’S SELLING I’M BUYING IT’S SOMETHING WE NEED I LOVE THAT SHE’S TRYING— LET’S FOLLOW HER LEAD WE WERE FLAT ON OUR BACK

TooTsie

— 53 —

(RITA) BUT NOW WE’RE ON TRACK SHE’LL POLISH THIS TURD INTO TREASURE SOMEHOW, JUST MAYBE— IF DOROTHY KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE’S DOING NOW

We have work to do! God knows how we got this far, but ready or not, we move to the theater tomorrow!

We travel to the theater, everyone excited.

STAGE MANAGER All right kids, it’s your favorite stage manager Carl. Break’s over. We’re going to rehearse the new Juliet-Nurse scene. Everyone else, there’s a revised schedule on the board. Don’t forget to sign back in. Dorothy, Julie, the stage is yours!

DOROTHY and JULIE enter.

JULIET “He saw your motionless hair and avocado figure, and I lost the one man I love.”

NURSE “To be fair, dear, you did kill the last one. Juliet, don’t I deserve a chance at a future that celebrates me?”

DOROTHY turns to the writers.

DOROTHY This is really good.

DOROTHY then talks to JULIE. Are you okay with all this?

JULIE Are you kidding?

I LOVE WHAT WE’RE—

#9 A— I Like W ha t She’ s D oi ng ( Par t 2) —SAYING. I’M SMILING AT LAST. IT’S GREAT HOW WE’RE PLAYING. I’M HAVING A BLAST. I TRUST YOU COMPLETELY— SO DOES THE WHOLE CAST—

— 54 —

TooTsie

(JULIE) WE LIKE WHAT YOU’RE DOING!

We see the costume designer holding fabric swatches. RITA points to the one Dorothy chose.

STUART SHE’S GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL THAT MAKES YOU ENGAGE

SUZIE IT’S ALMOST ELECTRIC WHEN SHE HITS THE STAGE

RITA AND I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT SHE’S TAKING THIS TURKEY AND MAKING IT WORK

RITA, STUART, & SUZIE AND I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW BUT HONEY, I HOPE SHE KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE’S DOING—

#9 B—I Like W hat She ’s D o ing ( Par t 3) —NOW

DOROTHY is looking at sketches with the COSTUME DESIGNER. DOROTHY starts pointing to the sketches she likes.

DOROTHY Rita, forget the renaissance. I’m thinking all new costumes.

FIFTIES… FELLINI… FABULOUS!

SHE shows a sketch to Rita.

RITA DOROTHY, I LOVE IT!

RITA walks off.

TooTsie

STAGE—DAY DANCE SECTION—PASSAGE OF TIME

We see RON on his therapist’s couch.

RON SHE WON’T TAKE DI—

#9 C— I Like W ha t She ’s D oi ng ( P ar t 4)

RON —RECTION, SHE’S CHANGING THE PLAY SHE’S LIKE AN INFECTION THAT WON’T GO AWAY SHE JUST WANTS TO FIGHT ME SHE DOES IT TO SPITE ME I HATE WHAT SHE’S DOING IT’S VERY TRAUMATIC I’M REALLY UPSET IT’S BRINGING UP MEM’RIES I NEED TO FORGET SHE’S STEALING MY GIRL SHE’S STEALING MY SHOW AND I’M READY TO BLOW ALL BECAUSE OF THAT COW GOD DAMMIT, SHE’S GOT TO STOP DOING WHAT SHE’S DOING NOW.

JULIE and MAX are rehearsing as DOROTHY directs them.

MAX (Rehearsing to himself) Okay, Max. New clothes, new lines. You got this.

DOROTHY and JULIE enter.

JULIET “If you take her, you had better take care of her.”

— 55 —

— 56 —

TooTsie

MAX “I will devote my life to her happiness. I love her.”

DOROTHY Mean it!

MAX “I will devote my life to her happiness. I love her.”

DOROTHY I don’t believe you!

MAX “I will devote my life to her happiness.

(To Dorothy) I love her.”

DOROTHY Well done, Max.

SHE kisses HIS cheek. DOROTHY and JULIE leave.

MAX HEY! I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING SHE’S GOT SO MUCH HEART SHE’S SO FRIGGIN’ SEXY AND SO FRIGGIN’ SMART SHE’S MADE ME AN ACTOR SHE’S BUILT LIKE A TRACTOR I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING

ENSEMBLE MEN WE TOTALLY NEED HER. I LOVE HER BECAUSE SHE’S ALWAYS A LEADER WHATEVER SHE DOES. SOMETHING WAS MISSING AND SHE’S WHAT IT WAS. THEY’RE GONNA BE STANDING WHEN SHE TAKES HER BOW

TooTsie

— 57 —

(ENSEMBLE MEN) GOD WILLING, I HOPE SHE KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE’S DOING NOW.

STAGE—NIGHT

The NURSE is talking to JULIET.

JULIET “How will I live without you here?”

NURSE “Happily, Juliet. Though parting is such sweet sorrow.”

JULIET “Then let’s gather by the fountain so we can all say arrivederci.”

THEY hug. DOROTHY approaches RITA in the wings.

RITA Dorothy, you’ve turned this show into an anthem for all women. So, since tonight is our first performance, I’m officially changing the title from Juliet’s Curse, to Juliet’s Nurse!

#9 D—I L ike Wha t She ’s D oi ng (P ar t 5) DOROTHY smiles, then walks ONSTAGE for a performance.

DOROTHY

ENSEMBLE AH, AH AH, AH

I WON’T LET YOU DOWN AH BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED IN ME BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED AND NOW ANYBODY CAN SEE I’M REALLY ALIVE

AH

I’LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN WON’T LET YOU DOWN

DOROTHY I’M NO LONGER EMPTY INSIDE YOU FILLED UP MY CUP, I NEVER GAVE UP AND NOW I CAN SOAR

— 58 —

TooTsie

(DOROTHY) TO THE HEAVENS AND HIGHER

ENSEMBLE LORD PLEASE, I HOPE SHE KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE’S DOING RIGHT, EV’RY NIGHT

MEN REMOVING OUR TEARS

WOMEN RELIEVING OUR FEARS

JULIE AND WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS WE’LL STILL HAVE CAREERS

ENSEMBLE SO WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?

DOROTHY I GIVE YOU MY WORD I WON’T LET YOU—

DOROTHY

ENSEMBLE I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING

—DOWN!

I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING WHAT SHE’S DOING

#9 E—I Lik e W hat She ’s D oi ng ( P ar t 6) ( P l ayof f )

TooTsie

— 59 —

SCENE 10. JULIE’S APARTMENT—NIGHT

0,&+$(/ DQG -8/,( DUH PLG FRQYHUVDWLRQ VFULSWV LQ KDQG VKDULQJ VRPH ZLQH excited.

DOROTHY I know, that was amazing!

JULIE And did you hear them laughing?

DOROTHY I did!

JULIE They were laughing!

DOROTHY They were!

JULIE With us!

DOROTHY It felt good!

JULIE I’m excited. I get excited. Dorothy, where I grew up, people were afraid to dream big. But I knew I wanted more. I wanted this. When I act, things just make sense. When I’m onstage, I feel safest.

DOROTHY Yes. It’s the same with me.

JULIE Don’t you love reaching for perfection, never getting it. The commitment, the sacrifices.

The uncertainty. Sure, it can be lonely. I mean, have you ever been able to make a relationship work?

DOROTHY No, not really.

— 60 —

TooTsie

JULIE So you’ve never been married?

DOROTHY Actually, I was, once. To an overbearing Norwegian man. But I left him after eight years to make sense of myself and everything around me.

JULIE That sounds like A Doll’s House.

DOROTHY Maybe a little more wine.

JULIE You know, I am surprised a pretty, talented gal like you isn’t fighting guys off.

DOROTHY Pretty? No, me? Talented, sure but, pretty? You think?

JULIE More than pretty. Special.

DOROTHY Oh. Well, like you said, I guess life got in the way. Or I get in the way. Maybe I haven’t met the right person.

JULIE Maybe we stopped thinking we could?

DOROTHY Who would your perfect person be?

JULIE I don’t know. It’s all so complicated. Don’t you find being a woman right now complicated?

DOROTHY Right now? Extremely.

TooTsie

— 61 —

JULIE It wouldn’t be about his age or his looks, it would be more that he’d be honest about who he was. And he’d understand my life. Appreciate it. Celebrate it! And, he’d be the most generous lover. Not afraid to share his uninhibited desires, so willing to please me, that I’d want to please him. That would be amazing.

DOROTHY just stares at her for a long beat, then just shakes his head “yes”…

DOROTHY Amazing.

JULIE I’ll get some more wine.

A special comes up on MICHAEL.

#1 0— W ho A r e You

MICHAEL SOMEBODY IN THE MOONLIGHT SOMEONE I THINK I KNOW, STANDING THERE LIKE A SHADOW. WHO ARE YOU? I CAN’T ESCAPE THE FEELING I MET YOU LONG AGO IN SOME PLACE FILLED WITH SUNLIGHT. WHO ARE YOU? I’VE NEVER BEEN A NEEDY OR ROMANTIC GUY FALLING LIKE A METEOR IN SOME POETIC, STARRY SKY. WHO AM I? THIS IS A DIFF’RENT STORY, SOMETHING COMPLETELY STRANGE. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

DOROTHY walks towards her.

— 62 —

TooTsie

JULIE More wine?

DOROTHY Yes, please!

JULIE It’s nice, connecting with someone.

SOMEBODY I CAN TALK TO, LIKE SOMEONE I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN. WHERE ON EARTH WERE YOU HIDING? WHO ARE YOU? I THINK IT’S JUST AMAZING HOW FAST THIS FRIENDSHIP HAS GROWN. SOMEONE I CAN CONFIDE IN. WHO ARE YOU? IT’S FELT SO LONG SINCE I WAS YOUNG AND RUNNING FREE, I LOCKED MYSELF INSIDE A BOX BUT SUDDENLY, THERE’S THE KEY. SOMEONE WHOSE HEART IS OPEN, SOMEBODY I COULD LOVE JUST LIKE AN OLDER SISTER WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

You know, on our nights off I sing at a club. You should come. We can have drinks after.

Talk about anything and everything.

DOROTHY That sounds wonderful.

DOROTHY

JULIE

THIS IS A DIFF’RENT STORY.

I THINK IT’S JUST AMAZING.

SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW.

HOW FAST THIS FRIENDSHIP HAS GROWN.

WHAT DO I THINK I’M DOING?

LIKE THE SISTER I NEVER HAD.

WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

WHO ARE YOU?

WHO ARE YOU?

TooTsie

DOROTHY You know what? I should go. We have an early rehearsal tomorrow.

JULIE This has been… perfect.

DOROTHY Yes, it has. Perfect. So… more tomorrow.

JULIE More tomorrow.

HE leaves, ecstatic and excited as he makes his way through the city and back to the apartment, and enters.

ENSEMBLE OOH, OOH, OH AH AH OOH

MICHAEL THIS IS A DIFFERENT STORY. SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? WHO ARE YOU?

ENSEMBLE WHO ARE YOU?

— 63 —

— 64 —

TooTsie

SCENE 11. MICHAEL AND JEFF’S APARTMENT—CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL runs in, excited. HE puts his things down and looks at himself and starts to sift through new boxes of clothing.

MICHAEL Jeff, Jeff! Tonight was euphoric. We had a great show, Julie invited me back to her apartment. We laughed, drank, she talked all about her life…

JEFF And you listened?

MICHAEL You know what? Women listen to each other, Jeff.

JEFF Well what do you know. You, Michael Dorsey Dorothy Hermione Michaels, are in love!

MICHAEL Oh my God, Jeff, I think I am!

There’s a knock at the door. SANDY is on the other side.

SANDY (O.S.) It’s Sandy. Open the door.

MICHAEL She can’t see me like this! Zipper! Zipper!

During the following, MICHAEL and JEFF do a frenetic physical comedy quick change “routine” to strip the room of Dorothy.

SANDY (O.S.) I can hear you!

MICHAEL Jeff, is someone at the door?

JEFF I think it’s Sandy!

TooTsie

— 65 —

MICHAEL Sandy? Which Sandy?

SANDY (O.S.) Really? You know other Sandy’s?

JEFF (To door) I was sleeping. I’m not dressed. Michael was in the bathroom.

MICHAEL I’m in the bathroom. The… thing… is clogged.

JEFF The “thing” again?

MICHAEL Yes Jeff, the “thing.”

SANDY What is going on in there.

MICHAEL Jeff, are you sure that’s the door and not the pipes? They sometimes make that whooshing sound, like… “Sandy… Sandy... “

JEFF It’s more like “Sandy… Sandy.”

MICHAEL It always does that when the toilet’s clogged.

JEFF We should call a plumber.

MICHAEL Or you should eat more fiber.

— 66 —

TooTsie

JEFF I have an uncle who’s a plumber? And his last name is Plumber. It’s like being a Butler named Butler.

MICHAEL That’s REALLY interesting. You should write that! But before you do, check the door just in case.

JEFF If Butler was here, he would do it. Earrings, earrings!

SANDY knocks.

Michael, I think there is someone at the door!

7+(< ÀQDOO\ ÀQLVK DQG RSHQ WKH GRRU Oh, look. It’s Sandy.

MICHAEL Sandy. Hey.

SANDY Michael? Where have you been? I’ve been devastated about not getting that part. And where are you?

MICHAEL I’ve been busy. I’m sorry.

SANDY My yoga teacher says I’ve literally created a new position called downward spiral.

JEFF Sandy, I realize you are an open bar of emotions, but why is not getting this role consuming you?

SANDY Why, Jeff? Why? I live in an apartment so small I count the litter box as a guest bathroom.

My dental plan is basically to chew on the other side, and the only jobs I get are working kid’s birthday parties. Two hours ago I was on the subway wearing the bottom half of an Elmo costume. I got violated by a service animal. My phone no longer recognizes my face I.D. unless I’m crying! I just don’t have it in me for one more day, one more rejection. And the one friend who helps me believe that maybe I’m good at something I want so much, but may actually not be good at, doesn’t have one minute for me!

TooTsie

— 67 —

MICHAEL Sandy, I’ll make it up to you. Dinner. Monday. Just us.

SANDY Yeah? That would be—Wait—

#1 1— W hat ’s G on na H app en ( R e pr ise) I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN DON’T TELL ME THAT IT’S NOT YOU’LL CALL ME UP AT NINE AND SAY THERE’S SOMETHING YOU FORGOT YOUR BROTHER IS IN JAIL YOUR MOM’S BEEN IN A WRECK YOUR SISTER’S GOT A GOITER LIKE A FOOTBALL ON HER NECK. YOU’RE GONNA STAND ME UP AND I’LL BE STARING AT THE PHONE SITTING THERE ALL DISMAL AND PATHETIC AND ALONE AND FEELING JUST ABOUT AS WELCOME AND AS WANTED AS A KIDNEY STONE

SHE leaves. You can still hear her voice going down the stairs and onto the street as SHE sings.

I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN YOU KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WE KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WE ALL KNOW WHAT’LL HAPPEN IT NEVER DOESN’T HAPPEN IT ALWAYS HAS TO HAPPEN IT’S GUARANTEED TO HAPPEN

MICHAEL slams the window shut. It stops her voice.

JEFF Michael, you know I would jump in front of a really soft, gently tossed ball for you. But you just made a date with Sandy, as a man, after having a date with Julie, as a woman. So as your friend, I’m wondering, what’s your end game for all this?

— 68 —

TooTsie

MICHAEL What it always was. To work! To do great work! And now with the possibility of being with someone who sees the world like I do? That’s a damn good happy ending. Thanks to Dorothy.

JEFF Exactly how? If this show’s a hit, you’re going to be Dorothy for a long time. Michael Dorsey is gone.

MICHAEL Michael is not gone. I am Dorothy. Dorothy is me. It’s coming out of me. I’m experiencing these things.

JEFF Listen to me. No you’re not! And where does this end? I’ll tell you where, with you lying to Sandy and falling in love with a woman you can’t have?

MICHAEL This is about more than just Julie. You know what people are calling me? A small miracle.

Their words, not mine.

JEFF Fine, you want to live a lie? It’s your lie to live. But you are in love with Dorothy and Julie. And you can’t have both.

MICHAEL Yes, I can! This show is making me a Broadway star. There are no limits! Dorothy can have it all, and play the great roles. That list I made, it didn’t begin to dream big enough.

#1 2— Uns to ppab l e MICHAEL DORSEY, THE MAN WITH THE SCHEME AND THE MASTER PLAN COULDN’T BEG, BUY, OR BORROW HIS DREAM BUT NOW DOROTHY CAN. ‘CAUSE SHE’S GOT ME FLYING LIKE A BIRD. SO HOW TO DESCRIBE IT? ONLY ONE WORD: UNSTOPPABLE

JEFF You’re living a fantasy, my friend.

TooTsie

MICHAEL

— 69 —

ENSEMBLE

STAND ASIDE ‘CAUSE THAT GIRL’S ON A ROLL

OOH

SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE. YOU’RE BAT-SHIT CRAZY ADMIRATION, RESPECT, AND CONTROL

OOH

SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE DELUSIONAL MUCH? HALF-COCKED, AND DOWN ON MY KNEES

OOH

DOORS LOCKED, BUT SUDDENLY SHE’S

OOH

RIGHT THERE BESIDE ME

OH

TO HAND ME THE KEYS, UNSTOPPABLE

UNSTOPPABLE

UNSTOPPABLE

MICHAEL WE GOT THE ROLE! WE GOT THE GIG! WE GOT CONTROL! WE’RE GETTING BIG! WE TOOK THE CHANCE! WE TOOK THIS TOWN! TOLD YOU BEFORE, SHOW ME THE DOOR, I’LL KICK IT DOWN

MICHAEL

ENSEMBLE OH!

WHEN I PUT ON THE WIG AND THE DRESS I’M UNFLAPPABLE

MUM-MUM MU-MUM MUM-MUM MO-RON!

YOU CAN’T START TO CHART DOROTHY’S SUCCESS, IT’S UNMAPPABLE THIS TRAIN HAS GOTTA CRASH LIKE THE THRUST OF A HUMMINGBIRD’S TONGUE LIKE A BEER KEG THAT’S BLOWN OUT ITS BUNG LIKE A HIPPO PROTECTING HER YOUNG UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE

MICHAEL & ENSEMBLE UNSTOPPABLE!

ENSEMBLE LOOK OUT WORLD, ‘CAUSE THIS GIRL’S ON A ROLL,

— 70 —

TooTsie

(ENSEMBLE) SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE LIKE A SCHOOL BUS THAT’S OUT OF CONTROL, SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S THE BULLHEADED TOAST OF BROADWAY HERE SHE COMES SO GET OUT OF HER WAY NOTHING AND NO ONE, NOT ANYTHING ANYONE EVER CAN DO OR SAY CAN STOP HER UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE

MICHAEL / DOROTHY I’LL BE TAKING THE WORLD OVER SOON, UNSTOPPABLE NO USE TRYING TO BURST MY BALLOON, UNPOPPABLE

MICHAEL / DOROTHY

ENSEMBLE

NO MORE WAITING

AH

‘CAUSE THIS IS MY TIME. THERE’S NO MOUNTAIN

AH

THESE HEELS CAN’T CLIMB.

MICHAEL / DOROTHY NOTHING ON EARTH CAN STOP ME ‘CAUSE I’M— UNSTOPPABLE!

EMSEMBLE UNSTOPPABLE! UNSTOPPABLE!

MICHAEL approaches the theater. HE runs into JULIE.

JULIE Dorothy! Another sold out house tonight. And it’s because of you.

DOROTHY It’s because of us.

JULIE This has turned out better than I could have imagined. I love you, Dorothy.

TooTsie

DOROTHY And I love you!

SHE gently kisses his cheek. Suddenly, MICHAEL kisses her passionately. SHE stands there in shock!

JULIE —Oh my God!

DOROTHY —Oh my God!

JULIE —Oh my God!

DOROTHY —Oh my God! Julie! Wait!

SHE steps back, looks, and runs off. Suddenly there is chaos. The bulbs in the name DOROTHY MICHAELS on the marquee start to explode, then spell out the word DOOM.

MICHAEL Shit!

END OF ACT ONE

— 71 —

— 72 —

TooTsie

ACT 2

#1 2A —En t r ’ac t e SCENE 1. APARTMENT—NIGHT

MICHAEL and JEFF are sitting, both with a serious glare. There’s a long beat of silence.

Michael goes to say something. There’s nothing to say. Then more silence. Then…

#1 3— J e ff Sums I t U p

JEFF So, let’s recap…

NOT LONG AGO THERE WAS A MAN, AN ANGRY GUY, AWKWARDLY AGING COMMITTED BUT KIND OF SELF DESTRUCTIVE, WHINING HIS WAY THROUGH LIFE ‘TIL AMBITION AND CIRCUMSTANCE CONSPIRED TO DELIVER AN OPPORTUNITY NO ONE EXCEPT A MEG’LOMANIACAL ACTOR WITH NOTHING TO REALLY LOSE WOULD CONSIDER SO THEN OF COURSE, THIS GUY PUTS— (OH YEA, THIS GUY IS YOU, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING) PUTS ON A DRESS AND WIG AND HEELS AND ACTUALLY GETS THE PART AND SURPRISINGLY EV’RYTHING GOES VERY WELL BUT THEN (AND HOW DO I SAY IT?) YOU FUCKED IT UP. YOU REALLY FUCKED IT UP. YOU GOT APPLAUSE, YOU GOT THE FAME, EXCEPT IT WASN’T EXACTLY FOR YOU, AND NOW YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH A GIRL WHO THINKS YOU’RE SOMEBODY THAT YOU’RE NOT AND IN CASE YOU FORGOT, I’LL TELL YOU WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

TooTsie

— 73 —

(JEFF) YOU’RE THE GUY WHO FUCKED IT UP. YOU REALLY FUCKED IT UP. LISTEN, MIKE I KNOW WHEN MISTER OPPORTUNITY COMES TIP-TOEING AND TEASING YOU’RE THE KIND OF MAN WHO GRABS HIM BY THE BALLS BUT THEN WHEN HE SCREAMS AND SAYS “LET GO OF MY BALLS” AND YOU JUST KEEP ON SQUEEZING, WELL THAT’S THE TIME—YOU GOTTA—

I’ve lost my train of thought.

MMN. BUT ANYWAY, YOU GET THE POINT, YOU SCREWED THE POOCH, EPIC FAIL, I HATE TO SAY I’M HAPPY TO SAY “I TOLD YOU SO” BUT IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY— I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU SO. YOU FUCKED IT UP. YOU REALLY FUCKED IT UP!

JEFF

MICHAEL

YOU WENT TITS UP I WENT TITS UP MISTAKES WERE MADE MISTAKES WERE MADE YOU BIT THE DIRT I BIT THE DIRT INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE GOOD SONG A MAJOR MALFUNCTION THE CAPTAIN OF THE HINDENBERG

I REALLY BLEW IT OH, THE HUMANITY

YOU MESSED IT UP I DID

— 74 —

TooTsie

JEFF

MICHAEL

THE WHEELS CAME OFF YOUR BUMPER CAR

THE WHEELS CAME OFF MY BUMPER CAR

YOU FELL ON YOUR FACE

COMPLETE

YOU’RE DEAD IN THE WATER

DISASTER

YOU FUCKED IT UP

EV’RYTHING

YOU—BALL CHANGE

LOOKS REALLY BAD

YOU FUCKED IT UP.

I CRASHED AND BURNED

YOU’RE DEAD IN THE WATER YOU FELL ON YOUR FACE, YOU—FAN KICK!

JEFF BUFFALO! BUFFALO! GOTTA SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO! JAZZ SQUARE JAZZ HANDS TRENCHES TRENCHES TRENCHES TRENCHES

MICHAEL “Hello? Hi! Yes, great! Thank you.” The cast is heading down to a club, and they invited Dorothy.

(Thinking) Julie’s been avoiding me since I kissed her, but, she also confides in Dorothy what she wants from a guy, right? So, if I can meet Julie as Michael, I can use those things to get her to fall for me, then fix things between her and Dorothy.

JEFF GOOD LUCK TO YOU, GOD BLESS YOU MIKE I REALLY REALLY WISH YOU THE BEST I TELL YOU WHAT, I’M COMING ALONG FOR MORAL SUPPORT, BECAUSE I’M A FRIEND, BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE I’M CURIOUS TO SEE EXACTLY HOW YOU’LL FUCK IT UP BA DA DA DA DA DA!

ENSEMBLE GROUP 1 HE WENT TITS UP, MISTAKES WERE MADE HE REALLY GOOFED, HE DROPPED THE BALL HE BLEW IT

ENSEMBLE GROUP 2 HE FELL ON HIS FACE

TooTsie

ENSEMBLE GROUP 1

— 75 —

ENSEMBLE GROUP 2

HE FELL ON HIS FACE

HE’S DEAD IN THE WATER

HE’S DEAD IN THE WATER

HE MESSED IT UP

HE REALLY MESSED IT UP

HE REALLY MESSED IT UP

— 76 —

TooTsie

SCENE 2. PIANO BAR—NIGHT

#1 4— Gone , G one, G o ne

JULIE I WOKE UP THIS MORNING OUTTA MY BRAIN. THAT OLD FAMILIAR FEELING LIKE I’M GONNA GO INSANE. SCREAMING LIKE A BANSHEE BARKING LIKE A DOG, LIKE BLACK IS WHITE LIKE DAY IS NIGHT LIKE I’M WALKING IN A TOTAL FOG

JULIE & WOMEN AND I’M FEELING LIKE A FOOL SOMEONE’S CHANGING ALL THE RULES— BATS IN THE ATTIC FIRE IN THE HOLE I CAN’T BREATHE, I CAN’T SLEEP, I CAN’T THINK BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE BEES IN THE BONNET I’M GONNA LOSE CONTROL BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE, GONE, GONE

JULIE I KEEP HEARING VOICES DON’T KNOW IF THEY’RE MINE. BRAIN’S ON VACATION HEART IS WORKING OVERTIME BEATING LIKE A DEMON, AND I CAN’T MAKE IT STOP. MY MIND IS BRUISED, I’M SO CONFUSED WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.

WOMEN AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU ‘CAUSE YOU’RE CHANGING ALL THE RULES

TooTsie

— 77 —

JULIE & WOMEN BATS IN THE ATTIC

JULIE

WOMEN

FIRE IN THE HOLE

OH

CAN’T TELL EXACTLY WHERE I AM ‘CAUSE BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE

BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE

BEES IN THE BONNET OOH OOH OOH OOH I’M GONNA LOSE CONTROL GOT NO CONTROL BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE, GONE, GONE

BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE, GONE, GONE

JULIE I’M A RUNAWAY TRAIN AND I’M OFF THE TRACK, TEN POUNDS OF CRAZY IN A FIVE POUND SACK. IF SIX WERE NINE, THAT’S HOW I FEEL. THREE FRIES SHORT OF A HAPPY-MEAL.

JULIE & WOMEN I’M BENT, I’M BROKE, I’M DIZZY, I’M DOPED, I’M FRIED, I’M FREAKED I’M

JULIE

WOMEN

BATS IN THE ATTIC SHE’S LOSING IT FIRE IN THE HOLE

I TELL YOU SHE’S CRACKIN’ UP

BABY LOST HER RATTLE

WAH WAH WAH WAH

YEA, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE

GONE, GONE, GONE

OUT OF THE SADDLE YIPPEE-AY YIPPEE-AY KAY-AY OUT OF CONTROL SHE’S LOST HER SOUL BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE,

GONE, GONE, GONE

GONE BEES IN THE BONNET

ZU ZU ZU ZAY

BUGS IN THE DOME

ZI ZU ZI ZU ZU ZU ZU

I’M NOT SURE I’M COMING BACK

SURE I’M COMING BACK

‘CAUSE BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE

BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE

— 78 —

TooTsie

JULIE

WOMEN

LIGHTS IN THE WINDOWS

I’M BENT, I’M BROKE, I’M DIZZY

BUT NOBODY’S HOME

I’M DOPED, I’M FRIED, I’M FREAKED I’M BATS

BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE

GONE, GONE, GONE

JULIE & WOMEN BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE BABY, I’M GONE, GONE, GONE, GONE, GONE

#1 4A —B ar M us i c

MICHAEL Isn’t she great, Jeff? I’m telling you, I feel good about this.

JEFF Michael, is this wise. I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. This isn’t wise.

MICHAEL You’re a writer Jeff. Take notes.

0,&+$(/ KDQGV KLP D EDU QDSNLQ DQG D SHQ VPLOHV ZLWK FRQÀGHQFH DQG ZDONV WRZDUG JULIE, who is holding a drink. JEFF loudly clicks the pen to let Michael know he is watching.

Hi. You sounded great.

JULIE Yeah? Thanks!

MICHAEL Mike Dorsey. I know you, right? You’re an actress.

JULIE I’m an actress, but you don’t know me.

MICHAEL Actually, I think I do.

TooTsie

— 79 —

JULIE I don’t think you do.

MICHAEL Come on. I’m a nice guy, and you look like the kind of woman who deserves a nice guy.

JULIE As opposed to women who don’t?

JEFF goes to write again. MICHAEL stops him…

MICHAEL (To Jeff) No (Then to Julie) no… see, that wasn’t what I… I didn’t mean… can we start over?

JULIE Sure. You look like the kind of guy who needs to start over.

MICHAEL I just wanted to be honest about who I am and what I want… which would be to understand you, celebrate you, and if I’m lucky, be the most generous lover, not afraid to share my desires, so willing to please you, that you’d want to please me. That would be a—

JULIE glares at him, grins, then throws a drink in his face. SHE gets up, and exits.

—mazing.

He goes back to JEFF, who is laughing.

JEFF (writing) “The vodka still dripping down his face as he walked away… “

MICHAEL Okay, so I had a little setback. I’ve conquered more difficult challenges than this.

JEFF Yes, crazier things are possible. Penguins can rotate their heads 360 degrees. But only once.

#1 4B —S andy B ar M usi c Suddenly, SANDY approaches. MICHAEL sees.

— 80 —

TooTsie

MICHAEL Sandy! Damn it, I stood her up.

JEFF takes out the pen and paper, ready to write more.

JEFF Oh good.

MICHAEL Sandy!

SANDY Tell me the truth, Michael. Did you stand me up to be with another woman?

MICHAEL Yes.

SANDY Don’t lie to me.

MICHAEL Yes!?

SANDY Well where is she?

MICHAEL Sandy, you’re spiraling out of control.

SANDY No one spirals INTO control, Michael. I needed you tonight. You know not getting that musical has consumed me. I really thought we were trying to be friends.

MICHAEL We are.

SANDY Friends don’t lie to each other. I cooked for you. And for what? I ended up alone in my apartment, trying to do the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat. Turns out, he isn’t very strong.

TooTsie

— 81 —

MICHAEL Sandy, you’re right. I let you down. I promise, I’ll be honest with you from now on.

SANDY So… was she prettier than me?

MICHAEL Yes.

SANDY Don’t lie to me!

MICHAEL No.

SANDY Good.

SHE turns to leave, then stops and turns back around.

Michael, I’m an actress, I’ve learned how to survive on pessimism, corn syrup, and debt.

Honestly, I can survive just about anything. What I can’t survive is being disappointed by someone I thought was my friend!

SHE turns with melodrama, picks up a drink from the table and drinks it, slamming the glass down.

JEFF —That was water.

SANDY —I know that now.

SHE leaves. JEFF turns to MICHAEL.

MICHAEL Damnit Jeff, Sandy’s right. I disappoint people. I disappointed Julie and she has no idea why.

JEFF Then go be honest with her.

— 82 —

TooTsie

MICHAEL If she finds out who I am now, she’ll feel betrayed.

(Beat) But…

JEFF No!

MICHAEL —Dorothy can go over and be honest.

JEFF No!!!

#1 4C —An H onest B e t r ayal

MICHAEL I won’t go down like this, Jeff! I love her! I love her!

MICHAEL runs out… JEFF gets up to leave as he clicks his pen.

TooTsie

— 83 —

SCENE 3. LIGHTS UP ON JULIE’S APARTMENT—NIGHT

JULIE Ron. It’s not going to happen.

RON Why not? Do you know how many women I say no to every day, just in the hopes of someday being with you?!

JULIE Then this works out for us and them.

RON Say you’ll give me a chance, or I’ll jump out this window!

JULIE You won’t jump out the window.

RON See, you know me so well. Julie, I admit I’m rigid, but I’m also a generous guy. I gave my brother a kidney. He wasn’t even sick! And yes, I’ve had numerous wives, some of them my own, but none like you. You make me feel alive!

JULIE You hardly even know me.

RON I know everything about you. Every minuscule detail.

JULIE What’s my favorite color?

RON Blue. Red. Purple. Green—

JULIE —It’s pink—

— 84 —

TooTsie

RON $V VKH·V ÀQLVKLQJ VD\LQJ SLQN —Pink! It’s pink. And mine is beige.

JULIE Ron, I’m not interested in you that way.

RON You’re kind of giving me mixed signals.

Suddenly, DOROTHY enters…

DOROTHY Hello? (Then) Oh, sorry. The door was open. I could come back?

JULIE Ron was just leaving.

RON sees Dorothy looking at Julie.

RON Oh, I get it. This is your fault, somehow. You soured her on me.

DOROTHY You did that just fine for yourself.

RON Tell me something, missy, is it all men you don’t like, or is it just me?

DOROTHY Honest? I don’t like the way you condescend to actors or take credit for creativity. I don’t like your petulance, or your superiority, or your complete lack of internal debate. I don’t like how you care about nothing, but talk about everything, and I don’t like what I assume are your reasons for liking Julie. So no, Ron, it’s not all men, it’s you.

RON As much as I enjoyed your little TED Talk, let me tell YOU something. Enjoy your moment, because you will never work in any show I ever do, in the pantheon of ever, then even after that, after that.

DOROTHY Trust me, I’ve heard that before.

TooTsie

— 85 —

RON There’s something about you.

HE exits, as he does he turns to Julie and mouths “Call me.”

DOROTHY Julie, about what happened. I know you’re upset, and I just want to explain, somehow…

JULIE —No. Let me talk. I’ve been so focused on my career, I ignored what I didn’t have until suddenly, there it was. Unexpected. Unavoidable. And it’s you. It’s how you make me feel, how you completely get me. Let’s do this!

DOROTHY Let’s do what?

JULIE This!

DOROTHY This?

JULIE Us!

DOROTHY Us? This us? Us us?

JULIE I know it’s not the package I imagined.

DOROTHY That depends on what it is you imagined.

JULIE You can’t help who you fall in love with. And you are who I fell in love with.

SHE leans in to kiss him. MICHAEL almost returns the kiss—

DOROTHY —I can’t!

— 86 —

TooTsie

JULIE —You can’t?

DOROTHY —I can’t.

JULIE —Why can’t you?

DOROTHY —I’m not a lesbian.

JULIE —Neither am I.

DOROTHY —But you can be.

JULIE —Then so can you.

DOROTHY —No, I really really, really really can’t.

JULIE I know it’s scary. We can take it slow. Start from the waist up.

DOROTHY It’s not that, well it is that, but it’s not that. I don’t think I can give you what you want.

JULIE I don’t understand. You kissed me! Mouth opened! With tongue!

DOROTHY I know. I do that.

JULIE I trusted you.

TooTsie

DOROTHY And I want you to. I just… I wish I could explain.

JULIE Stop. Don’t. You should leave.

SHE goes and opens the door for her. DOROTHY stops, but realizes there’s nothing to say, and leaves.

#1 5— W ho A r e You (R epr i s e)

JULIE YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT IT FIGURED OUT, SO PERFECTLY YOU LOCKED YOURSELF INSIDE A BOX THEN SUDDENLY, THERE’S THE KEY SOMEBODY I COULD TALK TO LIKE SOMEONE I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

ENSEMBLE OOH OOH OOH OOH

— 87 —

— 88 —

TooTsie

SCENE 4. THE APARTMENT—LATER

MICHAEL enters and starts to take “Dorothy” off, clearly upset. He sits for a moment.

6XGGHQO\ KH KHDUV PXIÁHG VLQJLQJ ,W VWRSV WKHQ VWDUWV DJDLQ +H JRHV WR RSHQ WKH window. The singing is full on. We see it’s MAX.

#1 6— This Thi ng

MAX WHAT IS THIS THING I’M FEELING, BUBBLING UP INSIDE ME, LIFTING ME TOWARDS THE CEILING? DOROTHY!

MICHAEL What?!

MAX DOROTHY, DOROTHY, DOROTHY!

NEIGHBOR [O.S.] Hey. Shut up! People live here!

MAX WHAT IS THIS SOUND I’M HEARING? IS IT A BELL TO GUIDE ME? OUT OF THIN AIR APPEARING DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOR…

NEIGHBOR [O.S.] Hey. Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

DOROTHY Fine. Come up. 5N.

SHE buzzes him in. We SLOWLY hear footsteps getting louder and louder. They stop.

Then start again, closer and closer. Then we hear panting on the other side of the door.

Then a buzzer. MAX makes his way up to the apartment, panting. Then—

MAX WHAT IS THIS THING? THAT MAKES ME TOSS IN MY BED

TooTsie

(MAX) ‘CAUSE I’M WRACKED WITH DISTRACTING DESIRES? THIS THING, GOD, IT’S JAMMED IN MY HEAD LIKE A NAIL AND I CAN’T FIND THE PLIERS “GET IT OUT!” I EXCLAIM THEN I THINK OF YOUR NAME AND I FEEL LIKE A MOTH HEADING RIGHT FOR THE FEMALE MOTH. THAT MOTH IS YOU! WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT IS THIS THING THAT I’M FEELING? IT’S ODD, YOU’RE SO OLD, I’M SO YOUNG AND MY ABS ARE LIKE SLABS OF FINE GRANITE MY BOD IS LIKE GOLD AND I’M HUNG AND YOU’RE OLD, OH I SAID THAT BUT DAMMIT! I DON’T CARE YOU’RE NOT THIN YOU’RE UNDER MY SKIN AND I KNOW SOMETHING SPECIAL’S ABOUT TO BE STARTING REAL SOON I’M OVER THE MOON! WHAT IS THIS THING? WHAT IS THIS THING?

HE starts his seduction, a chase, as MICHAEL fends him off. Michael gets him in a wresting hold. Max moans with pleasure.

THIS THING HAS ME WORRIED AND SCARED BUT IT’S FINALLY TIME TO REVEAL IT IT’S RIPE AND IT’S BIG AND IT WANTS TO BE SHARED AND I NEED YOU TO REACH DOWN AND FEEL IT! YES, I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER NO, I’M NOT BASHFUL TO PROVE IT

HE rips off his shirt. There is a bloody tattoo of DOROTHY.

DOROTHY Is that… me?!

MAX YES, IT’S A LITTLE INFECTED, NO, I WILL NEVER REMOVE IT

— 89 —

— 90 —

TooTsie

(MAX) THIS THING WILL REMAIN LIKE A PERMANENT STAIN LIKE A VOICE THAT KEEPS TAUNTING A HAUNTING REFRAIN LIKE THAT WONDERFUL SPIKE THAT YOU DROVE IN MY BRAIN THIS THING, THIS THING CALLED… YOU!!

Suddenly, JEFF opens the door and enters. After a long beat—

JEFF You trollop.

DOROTHY Max Van Horn, Jeff Slater.

JEFF How could you? And with our cantonese baby on the way.

MAX I’m her baby now.

JEFF She’s always had a weakness for a good chest.

(Seeing tattoo) With her face on it.

MAX I will fight you until the blood of our rivalry stains these walls.

JEFF —She’s all yours.

DOROTHY Maybe you should leave!

MAX This is not over, Jeff!

(To Dorothy, bowing)

TooTsie

— 91 —

(MAX) Adeaus…

HE gives Jeff a threatening look as he leaves… then turns and smiles boyishly at Dorothy, and exits. During the following, MICHAEL sheds himself of Dorothy.

JEFF Is it because I’ve put on weight?

MICHAEL Don’t you start with me. You wouldn’t believe the night I had. Jeff, Julie told me she wants us to be together.

JEFF As women?

MICHAEL As women!

JEFF Well now I’m invested.

MICHAEL She tried to kiss me. She leaned in, our eyes connecting, her perfume mixing with mine.

And all I could do was stand there. I love her, Jeff. This could not get any worse!

There’s a knock at the door.

STAN [O.S.] Michael? It’s Stan.

JEFF Maybe it can.

MICHAEL Stan? What the hell does he want?

STAN knocks again.

JEFF Michael, Stan is at the door.

— 92 —

TooTsie

MICHAEL My agent Stan or Stan who— sometimes stops by?

STAN [O.S.] It’s your agent, Stan.

-()) RSHQV WKH GRRU DV 0,&+$(/ ÀQLVKHV EHFRPLQJ ´0LFKDHO µ

MICHAEL Stan, hey.

STAN Michael, what the hell is going on? I’ve been trying to call you for days. You got the play.

MICHAEL The play? What play?

STAN The play! Anywhere But Nowhere.

MICHAEL I thought they wanted a name?

STAN They decided to go with talent.

MICHAEL (Panicked) Jeff. I got the play.

STAN This is all you hounded me about for months. You cornered me in my office.

MICHAEL I thought you fired me in your office?

STAN That was before you got the play. And now it’s yours.

TooTsie

— 93 —

JEFF And now it’s yours.

MICHAEL And now I can’t take it.

STAN Why can’t you take it?

MICHAEL Why can’t I take it, Jeff?

JEFF He can’t take it because he’s doing my play.

STAN Your play? What is your play?

JEFF It’s a great play.

MICHAEL Great play. It takes place in…

JEFF

MICHAEL

One Day.

—Cleveland.

MICHAEL It’s called One Day In Cleveland.

STAN Jesus Christ, Michael. Are you passing on a Pulitzer prize winning playwright for a play by this guy?

MICHAEL “This guy” is my best friend.

STAN Fine. If you want to make sure no one ever hears the name Michael Dorsey, you just did.

This is the most insane thing you’ve ever done.

— 94 —

TooTsie

MICHAEL It’s really not.

STAN Goodbye Michael.

STAN storms out. MICHAEL collapses into a chair.

MICHAEL Julie thinks I’m a lesbian who rejected her. Sandy resents me and the woman she doesn’t know I am. I turned down one of the best written plays in contemporary theater, and there’s a guy walking around with an infected tattoo of my face on his chest.

JEFF And if you could fix one of those, right now, which would it be?

MICHAEL Julie. None of this is worth losing Julie.

JEFF Then do exactly what you shouldn’t do, go back there one more time and figure something out!

[Note: by the end of the following he is dressed as Dorothy.]

#1 7— W haddya D o ( R ep r i se 2) WHADDYA DO WHEN EV’RYTHING IS HAPPENING, BUT EV’RYTHING THAT’S HAPPENING HAS GOT YOU IN DISTRESS? WHADDYA DO, YOUR FUTURE CALLS SO GROW YOURSELF A PAIR OF BALLS AND TAKE THOSE BALLS AND PUT THEM IN THIS DRESS! SO YOUR LIFE IS A JOKE YOU THINK EV’RYTHING IS BROKE? WELL, FIXING IT IS UP TO YOU KNOW WHO WHADDYA GONNA DO? YOU’RE GONNA DO YOUR NAILS AND DO YOUR HAIR

TooTsie

(JEFF) AND GO OUT THERE AND GET YOURSELF A LIFE.

MICHAEL THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO WIN. YOU GOTTA GO ALL IN.

MICHAEL / JEFF WELL I’M / YOU’RE ALL—

The front door opens again, and STAN enters. HE walks back in to get the phone he forgot. The guys stand frozen.

STAN Sorry. I left my damn phone.

(Seeing Dorothy) Oh. Hey. I’m a big fan. Nice to meet you.

HE grabs his phone and exits. MICHAEL and JEFF just stand there. They don’t move.

Frozen in place. They wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Then, SLOWLY the door opens and 67$1 UH HQWHUV

STAN You gotta be shitting me!

JEFF Stan Fields, Dorothy Michaels.

STAN Jesus Christ, Michael. You look like my wife.

MICHAEL You said I’d never work again. I was desperate.

STAN This goes beyond desperate. Even for an actor.

MICHAEL I took a chance.

— 95 —

— 96 —

TooTsie

STAN They say you’re gonna be nominated for a Tony! I was gonna vote for you!

MICHAEL I’m so humbled—

STAN Oh, fuck you! I can’t see this. If I see this, I’m complicit. If I’m asked about this, I can’t lie!

MICHAEL Can’t lie? You’re an agent. It’s a job requirement!

STAN So this is how you’re going to live out your career? As someone else?

MICHAEL No. Maybe. I don’t know. You’re not being very supportive.

STAN Michael, what you’ve done here is some uncharted form of theatrical suicide. When people find out about this, and believe me, they WILL find out, you’ll be the most hated man and woman on Broadway!

MICHAEL Then what do you suggest I do? We open tomorrow night! How do I get out of this??

STAN That’s not my problem. And you know why it’s not my problem? Because you’re fired.

Again!

(To Jeff) And you! Send me your play!

JEFF There’s no play.

STAN —Oh fuck you too!

STAN exits. MICHAEL collapses into a chair.

TooTsie

SCENE 5. OUTSIDE AROUND TOWN

#1 8— The M os t I m por t ant N i gh t of My Li f e

MAX IT’S SIX FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING AND MY CLOCK’S GOING BEEP BEEP BEEP SHOE’S ON, I’M DRESSED, NO REST ‘CAUSE I NEVER REALLY GOT TO SLEEP

SUZIE ALL NIGHT, JAW TIGHT, EYES WIDE, WAITING FOR THE DAY TO COME

STUART MY HEART BEAT: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOMING LIKE A BIG BASS DRUM

MAX, STUART, & SUZIE CAN’T BELIEVE THE SHOW’S GONNA OPEN TONIGHT!

MAX THIS IS THE

MAX, STUART, & SUZIE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE

MAX, STUART, SUZIE, & SOME ENSEMBLE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE

RITA THIS IS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, THERE’S NO TURNING BACK

THREE ENSEMBLE MEN BETTER CHEW A FEW ASPRIN IN CASE I GET A HEART ATTACK

— 97 —

— 98 —

TooTsie

WOMAN AT SALON YES BANGS, NO BANGS, YES BANGS I DON’T KNOW…

STYLIST OH JESUS!

MAN 1 CAN’T WAIT

MAN 2 CAN’T WAIT

MAN 3 CAN’T WAIT

STAGE MANAGER HERE’S OUR FUTURE ON A SILVER PLATE

RON JUST DON’T PANIC, DON’T GET MANIC… RELAXATION IS KEY! GONNA BE THE—OW!

ENSEMBLE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

RON OW!

ENSEMBLE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

RON OW!

ENSEMBLE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE

RON THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE

STUART CAN’T BREATHE

TooTsie

(STUART) I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT MY LUNGS SHOULD DO.

SUZIE BEEN DREAMING THIS ALL OF MY LIFE AND TONIGHT IT ALL COMES TRUE.

SOME ENSEMBLE RED CARPET, CROWD WILL GREET US.

SOME ENSEMBLE BIG PARTY WITH MARGARITAS.

PAULA MY DREAM SINCE I WAS A FETUS, LONG OVERDUE.

ENSEMBLE EV’RY SINGLE LIVING HUMAN BEING’S GOT TO AGREE—

JM THIS IS THE

ENSEMBLE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT HOPE EV’RYTHING GOES ALL RIGHT THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

Stage door/backstage set comes on. ALL backstage doing physical and vocal warmups

ENSEMBLE RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER

STUART & SUZIE Happy opening!

SOLO THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

DUET THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

— 99 —

— 100 —

TooTsie

DUET & SOME ENSEMBLE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

+ MORE ENSEMBLE THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

ALL THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

STUART, SUZIE, & PAULA WE’RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT!

ALL THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

STUART, SUZIE, & PAULA WE’RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT!

STUART, SUZIE, & PAULA

RON & A FEW MEN

ENSEMBLE

MY GOD, OH MY GOD

THE MOST IMPORTANT

WE’RE GONNA OPEN

MY GOD, OH MY GOD

NIGHT, THE MOST

TONIGHT!

OH MY GOD

IMPORTANT NIGHT

STAGE MANAGER

WE’RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT!

MY GOD, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

OF MY LIFE!

ENSEMBLE

WE’RE GONNA OPEN

MY GOD, OH MY GOD

THE MOST IMPORTANT

TONIGHT!

OH MY GOD

NIGHT, THE MOST

OH MY GOD, MY GOD

IMPORTANT NIGHT, THE

WE’RE GONNA OPEN

OH MY GOD

MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

TONIGHT!

OH MY GOD

ALL THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY…

STAGE MANAGER Half hour, everyone.

ALL OH MY GOD IT ALL BEGINS TONIGHT!

#1 8A —M o st I mp or t ant P l ayof f

TooTsie

— 101 —

SCENE 6. MICHAEL’S DRESSING ROOM—OPENING NIGHT

7KH GUHVVLQJ URRP LV ÀOOHG ZLWK ÁRZHUV 0,&+$(/ LQ D EDWKUREH LV WDONLQJ WR 5,7$

RITA It’s an exciting night.

DOROTHY Yes it is.

RITA This show will be a success, and it’s mostly due to you.

DOROTHY Thank you for taking a chance on an unknown.

RITA Dorothy, I’m rich. Not in family or friends. In money, the good rich. I got that way by betting on myself. You may not believe this, but growing up, I was a wallflower. In school I was voted “who is that?” Then I realized my potential, and now I grab success when I see it. So…

RITA hands her some papers with a bow on them.

Opening night gift. I’m extending your contract another year.

DOROTHY Another year?

RITA Add that to the one we’ve got you for, and Dorothy Michaels will be playing The Nurse for a long time.

DOROTHY Yes. That is a long, long time.

MICHAEL looks at the contracts. It hits him.

RITA What? Oh. I get it. Fine. What do you want? More money?

DOROTHY No, it’s not that.

— 102 —

TooTsie

RITA “It’s not that?” Well played. You’ve done this before, I see. Fine. Double your salary, minus half.

DOROTHY It’s just, two years is a long time.

RITA Dorothy, I’ve gotten botox, so people tend to misunderstand what I’m saying. Let me be clear. Creative approval and keep your costumes. Final offer!

DOROTHY You drive a hard bargain.

RITA Jesus, you don’t flinch! Six weeks vacation and paid maternity leave. Two days. Take it or leave it!

DOROTHY I don’t know what Max is being paid, but assure Julie the same, and I’ll consider it.

RITA Deal.

DOROTHY Rita. For however long I’m here, I love this show and you are the best at what you do.

RITA Thank you. Sometimes I wish my first husband could look down from heaven and see me now. But no, the bastard is still alive.

SHE leaves. MICHAEL looks even more distressed.There’s a knock on the door. It’s MAX.

DOROTHY Max. Now is not the—

MAX — Dorothy, I think I know what you’re going to say.

(Beat)

TooTsie

— 103 —

(MAX) Nope. Not a clue. So let me say what I think I’m going to say. Growing up, I never felt like I fit in, other than with the popular kids. And I had my share of humiliations. Like the time someone told me my grammar was horrible, and I said, “my gramma is 97 and I love her.” And I’ve known disappointment. Like when I dug up the time capsule I buried as a kid just to see how big my hamster had gotten. For some reason, I’ve always felt different.

Then I met you. You helped me discover something I never knew I had. Talent. You believed in me. You showed me what it feels like to be a member of a company, and tonight, this member gets thrust into your opening. And I couldn’t want anything, or anyone, more.

HE kisses her hand.

DOROTHY Max… you don’t need my help. No one here does. Just trust yourself.

MAX That’s what gramma used to say.

HE runs off, emotional.

ANNOUNCER Fifteen minutes. The call is fifteen minutes.

MICHAEL goes to the dressing table, sees the contract RITA left, and looks at it.

MICHAEL Shit.

HE sits down and looks at the wig on the dressing table.

#1 9— Talk t o M e D or ot hy

MICHAEL SO HERE I AM, DESPERATE AND DIZZY HANGING BY ONE HAND FROM THE THINNEST BRANCH TOTALLY MIXED UP, TOTALLY FED UP RIDING THE EDGE OF THE AVALANCHE I KNOW HOW I GOT HERE, I KNOW I’VE BEEN STUPID I KNOW IT’S MY FAULT BUT I COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP

— 104 —

TooTsie

(MICHAEL) WHAT DID I WANT? WHAT WAS MY HURRY? DRAWN TO THE SPOTLIGHT, BUT IT’S NOT THE SUN WALKING ON ICE, LOADED WITH WORRY IS THAT WHAT YOU FIN’LY GET ONCE YOUR RACE IS RUN? SO TALK TO ME, DOROTHY YOU’RE SMARTER THAN I AM TELL ME, WHY WAS I SO HUNGRY BEFORE? YOUR WATERS RUN DEEPER, DEEPER THAN MINE YOU’VE GIVEN ME SO MUCH AND NOW I NEED MORE

Suddenly, JULIE enters…

JULIE Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you’d be on stage warming up. I wanted to leave you this note, for opening…

DOROTHY Julie, wait.

JULIE Dorothy, you’ve never been anything but honest with me, so I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t tell you how much you mean to me. I really do love you.

DOROTHY And I love you.

JULIE And on that stage, I’ll be there for you, but it’s best if we don’t see each other any more.

Opening nights usually make me so happy. I wish this one did.

SHE exits. MICHAEL sits down and looks at the wig.

MICHAEL I gotta get out of this. Show me how to get out of this…

LET ME SEE THROUGH THOSE EYES OF YOURS

TooTsie

— 105 —

(MICHAEL) ALL OF THESE PEOPLE, ALL OF THESE PEOPLE YOU’VE HELPED ME TO LOVE LET ME HEAR THROUGH YOUR EARS AND MAYBE THIS NOISE CAN TURN INTO SOME KIND OF MUSIC— THERE’S YOU AND THERE’S ME WITH A HEART YOU DISCOVERED AND HANDS THAT ARE STEADY AND WARM TO THE TOUCH SO TALK TO ME, DOROTHY, YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SING CAN YOU HELP ME, DOROTHY, TALK TO ME PLEASE.

During the following VERONA starts to appear…

SOPRANOS I WON’T LET YOU DOWN YOU WON’T LET US DOWN WE BID YOU FAREWELL

TENORS AH—

BARITONES AH—

+ ALTOS GOODBYE

WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU GOODBYE

GOODBYE ARRIVEDERCI

WE BID YOU FAREWELL

ALL SO LONG, GOOD—

7KH VKDGRZ\ ÀJXUHV QRZ DUH OLW DQG ZH VHH WKH\ DUH WKH (16(0%/( IURP ´-XOLHW·V Nurse,” as they gather to say goodbye to the Nurse and Craig. The music morphs into a Tarantella.

— 106 —

TooTsie

SCENE 7. ONSTAGE

#2 0— Ar r ive de rc i!

ENSEMBLE —BYE, FAREWELL AND ARRIVEDERCI NURSE. SO LONG-A MY FRIEND, WE LOVE YOU—

ENSEMBLE 1 HEY, DONE-A FORGET YOUR PURSE!

ENSEMBLE WE FEEL SO BAD YOU’RE GOING AND I BETCHA WE’LL FEEL WORSE WHEN-A YOU’RE GONE. SO LONG AND ARRIVEDERCI NURSE!

NURSE “Yes, off I go… and I will miss you all. So much.”

Music begins again...

JULIET “And so we…

SAY TO YOU FAREWELL!”

MICHAEL (NURSE)

ENSEMBLE FAREWELL AND ARRIVEDERCI HON.

But… but… but… but…

WE’RE REALLY GONNA ‘A-MISS YOU IT’S BEEN A LOT OF FUN.

JULIE takes his arm and music plays. DOROTHY pulls her back on. The music stops.

NURSE But, but, but… before I go— there is a story I must tell you.

JULIET A story? There’s no story?

TooTsie

— 107 —

NURSE There IS a story! The story of how I got to Verona. The story of a poor village girl so pure of heart the angels themselves named her. Angel—(looking out) Angel. Mezzanini.

JULIE Come, you can tell me your story as we go.

NURSE You see, Little Angel had a dream… of helping others by being—a nurse. Like me. So she Vespa’d, many miles, many, many, many miles toward Verona. But the journey was a dangerous one for poor Angel, for you see, she had a wooden leg. (Beat) And a real foot.

So… she hobbled through the winter streets of Europe; Croatia, Hungary, very hungry until… She, she, she, she—

CRAIG She got sick!

NURSE —Yes. Well done, Craig! For as Angel lay, one organ shutting down at a time, all alone, near a small river in Crimea.

CRAIG Cry-me-a river?

NURSE —She limped for the last time. But her dream was not dead. For you see… Angel had a… a… brother!!

CRAIG Brother? She had a brother?

NURSE Oh. Yes. She. Did! A brother who loved her so deeply, he gave up his life as a VERY successful actor, and traveled to Verona to fulfill her destiny for her. But… men could not be nurses yet, so he created a ruse! A disguise to get the job he wanted. And it worked!

But he struggled to live with his lie. Until now. And who is this bereved, ruse brother you wonder? Well I’ll tell you. You see, I’m not who you think I am. The truth is…

MICHAEL starts to pull off his eye lashes and wig…

(To the other actors)

— 108 —

TooTsie

(NURSE) The truth is… I haven’t been honest with you, and I am so sorry. You see, I’m not Juliet’s Nurse… no… I am, I am…

HE reveals himself…

DOROTHY Angelo Mezzanini…

EVERYONE on stage gasps. MAX doesn’t get it, and smiles, thinking it’s fun, then it slowly sinks in.

MICHAEL Brother to Angel. But also, (To Julie) a liar, who deceived you all because he needed to work. He just… wanted to work.

#2 0A —Gadzoo ks!

Spot on RITA.

RITA Well I’ll be damned!

Spot on RON.

RON I knew there was something about her.

Spot on MAX, who opens his shirt and starts rubbing his tattoo…

MAX Mistake? Mistake?

JULIE slowly walks towards him. She stands in front of him. They look at each other.

There is a silence. She just turns and runs offstage. MAX walks up to him and leans in.

MAX Does Jeff know?

#2 0B —Do e s J e ff K now ?

We hear or see a montage of TV news stories.

TooTsie

— 109 —

NEWSCASTER 1 Breaking news, a new Broadway musical becomes a scandalous story of he-said-shesaid—

NEWSCASTER 2 —On tonight’s evening news, a Broadway opening opened a heated debate on sexism—

NEWSCASTER 3 —Did a Broadway actor just widen the gender gap?

NEWSCASTER 4 —Was it fraud, or a clever ploy for equal play?

NEWSCASTER 5 Tonight on Fox News; A Broadway leading lady turns out to be a real dick.

— 110 —

TooTsie

SCENE 8. MICHAEL AND JEFF’S APARTMENT—DAY

JEFF is in the apartment watching this and laughing. In the distance we hear a woman’s VFUHDP ,W JHWV FORVHU VWRSV WKHQ FORVHU 6$1'< HQWHUV ÀQLVKLQJ KHU SULPDO VFUHDP She makes her way through the apartment, abusing one of “Dorothy’s” wigs on a wig stand, throwing “Dorothy’s” clothes out the window, tossing a pair of her shoes, she then turns to Jeff and let’s out some inaudible words that turn to cries. Then stops, turns, and sees one of Dorothy’s dresses. She grabs it and tries to rip it, playing tug of war with it, unable to get it to rip.

SANDY I’m gonna rip this. I’m gonna rip it. I’m gonna rip it till it’s ripped!

It wins. SHE collapses in exhaustion onto a chair.

JEFF So, you heard?

SANDY This is a new low, even for me.

JEFF Is it, though?

SANDY What is my life, Jeff? I’m thirty seve—two, unemployed, broke, and alone. It’s just so hard to be chasing so many dreams, and not catch one.

JEFF Sandy, stop using Michael’s narcissism as an excuse for your lack of success.

SANDY Glass houses, Jeff! Or to use a quote from your latest play, oh right, there isn’t one. What I say may annoy you, but at least I have something to say.

JEFF That you’re stuck on a guy who has rendered you emotionally paralyzed?

SANDY At least I’m not stuck on the same sentence.

TooTsie

— 111 —

JEFF Trust me, if I was writing this, I’d put us both out of our misery.

SANDY Then write it! Write something. Unless you’ve run out of creativity.

JEFF You’re judging me on creativity? You named your cat Whiskers! That’s like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”

SANDY Well you know what, Jeff? My cat wrote a play!

JEFF Sandy, you are a frustrating and chaotic woman, and it’s beyond distressing how incredibly aroused I am right now.

SANDY Oh my God, are you hitting on me?!

JEFF I’m suddenly and irrationally inspired and stimulated by your defiant, neurotic self destruction.

SANDY Well your slovenly, passive, overgrown apathy is really hot to me right now as well. No wait, this is a bad idea.

#2 1— W hat ’s G on na H app en ( R e pr ise 2 ) I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN. IT ONLY TAKES A MINUTE, WE’RE GONNA FALL IN LOVE OR MAYBE I’M ALREADY IN IT THEN SUDDENLY WE’RE DATING AND THEN WE’RE MOVING IN AND THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT WE’LL BE—

HE grabs HER and kisses her. SHE pulls away. Then…

I will ride you until you are wheezing like a 50 year old coal miner.

SHE then pulls him into the bedroom, awkwardly ripping each other’s clothes off.

— 112 —

TooTsie

SCENE 9. MICHAEL AND JEFF’S APARTMENT—THE NEXT MORNING

MICHAEL enters, holding his heels and dragging his ripped dress behind him. JEFF enters from the bedroom and sees him.

JEFF The prodigal daughter returns.

MICHAEL I spent the whole night walking the streets. What was I thinking, Jeff?

JEFF Michael, every once in a while, desperation can lead to something productive. Riverdance was invented by a guy with seven kids and one bathroom. Your desperation led you here.

MICHAEL I lied, deceived people I care about, took advantage of someone else’s identity and struggle, lost the one person I truly love, and for what? My own ambition? How can anyone ever trust me again?

JEFF If only someone could have warned you.

MICHAEL Turns out, there are things more important than acting.

JEFF Maybe Dorothy taught you well.

MICHAEL Dorothy knew something Michael didn’t. You can’t live a lie. I always just grabbed what I wanted and assume I deserved it. But it was different for Dorothy. She’d voice her opinion, then be called “hysterical.” She had to be assertive, but not bitchy. Oh, and Julie?

She had to be feminine, but never misleading, all while handling insecure jerks like Ron who thinks he has a right to his every impulse, and arrogant schmucks like me who couldn’t handle any of those things. Dorothy knew something else I didn’t: being a woman is no job for a man.

(Beat) You think Dorothy’s the only one left who doesn’t hate me?

The bedroom door opens and SANDY enters, wrapped in a sheet. SHE walks to get her purse then stops and turns to MICHAEL.

TooTsie

— 113 —

(MICHAEL) Sandy… I didn’t just take a part away from a woman, I took it away from a friend. You have every right to never speak to me again.

SANDY looks at him for a moment, then…

SANDY Michael, I know life doesn’t play out like it does in fairy tales. I know, in real life, if you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re probably drunk. I know sometimes, you don’t get the prince. And sometimes, you realize he’s not a prince at all. He’s just a guy you made into one. And sometimes, you find out, you didn’t need saving. He did. And when you finally realize that the best bet you can place is on yourself… (She kisses Jeff) you can give someone else a happy ending.

SANDY kisses JEFF again, then walks into the bedroom, smiling.

MICHAEL Really, huh?

JEFF I hope so.

MICHAEL So… what happens now?

JEFF I don’t know, but maybe this will help.

JEFF proudly holds up a script.

MICHAEL You started your play?

JEFF Actually, you started it.

+( KDQGV LW WR 0,&+$(/ ZKR RSHQV WR WKH ÀUVW SDJH

MICHAEL I don’t deserve this.

JEFF You haven’t read it yet. Trust me. You deserve it.

— 114 —

TooTsie

MICHAEL Jeff… do you think Julie will ever talk to me again?

JEFF Let me ask you something? Do you think she should?

#2 2— Mic h ael ’s R ep r i se

MICHAEL MICHAEL DORSEY THE MAN WITH THE SCHEME AND THE MASTER LIST COULDN’T SEE THERE WERE ONE OR TWO ITEMS HE MIGHT HAVE MISSED LIKE OPEN YOUR EYES AND GET A CLUE THAT MAYBE THE UNIVERSE DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND ONLY YOU IT’S POSSIBLE IT’S POSSIBLE—

MICHAEL NOW THAT I’VE SEEN THROUGH

ENSEMBLE OOH

THOSE EYES OF YOURS ALL OF THE PEOPLE, ALL OF THE PEOPLE

OOH

YOU’VE HELPED ME TO LOVE. I KEEP HEARING YOUR VOICE— IT’S STILL IN MY HEAD— SOME KIND OF BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

OOH

TooTsie

— 115 —

SCENE 10. PARK—EVENING

MICHAEL enters the park. JULIE is sitting. He approaches her. She sees him, then gets up to leave.

MICHAEL Julie. Please don’t go.

SHE stays seated for a moment.

I’ve been wanting to call you for weeks, to apologize, just to ask…

JULIE —To ask what?

MICHAEL How you are?

JULIE How am I? The show’s doing well. Oh, no one says hi. Enjoy your evening. Or don’t.

SHE goes to leave…

MICHAEL I just did it for the work. I didn’t set out to deceive or manipulate anybody. Especially you.

JULIE Didn’t end up that way.

MICHAEL What I did was—

JULIE —What you did hurt me, and everyone in that theater who trusted you, who put their faith and livelihoods in your hands. And, I told you things I would never have told… you!

MICHAEL I messed up. It was disrespectful and wrong. I know that now.

— 116 —

TooTsie

JULIE No you don’t. You think because you walked a mile in a woman’s shoes, you suddenly know? Walk a hundred. Walk a thousand. Fall a thousand more. There is so much you don’t know. About so much.

MICHAEL But I want to. Can we talk?

JULIE What do you want me to say?

MICHAEL Whatever you want. I’ll listen.

(Beat) Even if it’s not today.

HE starts to walk away, SHE stops him…

JULIE Michael.

HE stops, slowly turning to look at her…

You were willing to risk everything for that one thing. I know what that takes.

MICHAEL I am so sorry.

JULIE I miss Dorothy.

#2 3— Than k Y ou ( T al k To Me D or othy Repr i se) THERE’S YOU AND THERE’S ME WITH A HEART YOU DISCOVERED THESE HANDS SO FAMILIAR, AND WARM TO THE TOUCH. I LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT. HOWEVER YOU WANT IT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

TooTsie

— 117 —

JULIE looks at him for a beat, unsure what she wants to do. Then she takes a breath, and sits on the bench. She looks out in front of her, then at him.

MICHAEL looks at her, knowing she is opening the door for him to sit. He then takes a seat next to her.

MICHAEL Hi. Michael Dorsey.

JULIE Julie Nichols.

There is a pause, they look at each other, there’s a slight smile…

THE END

— 118 —

TooTsie

#2 4— Bo ws ( P art 1)

#2 4A —B ow s ( Pa r t 2)

RON FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!

ALL FOSSE, FOSSE! BRAIN FREEZE! THE FLOOR IS LAVA! HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT! DANGER, DANGER! CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB! RESTLESS LEG! HAPPY BUNNY, FUNNY BUNNY, SCARY BUNNY, SPORTY BUNNY, GINGER BUNNY OH!—SHE’S GOT A FIDGET SPINNER! NA-MAS-TE, NA-MA-GO! RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER! RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER! RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER! RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER! FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! TAKE A SELFIE, BE A HATER LAP DANCE, TINY FINGERS TURN IT OUT AND POSE GOODNIGHT!

#2 5— Ex it M usi c