The Drowsy Chaperone SR.

Libretto / Lyrics

Music & Lyrics by Lisa Lambert and Greg Morrison Book by Bob Martin and Don McKellar Original Broadway production of The Drowsy Chaperone produced by Kevin McCollum, Roy Miller, Bob Boyett, Stephanie McClelland, Barbara Freitag and Jill Furman

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THANK YOU! The Drowsy Chaperone SR. Actor’s Script © 2022 MTI Enterprises Inc. The Drowsy Chaperone Music and Lyrics © 1999, 2006 by Lisa Lambert and Greg Morrison (SOCAN).

Book © 1999, 2006 by Bob Martin and Don McKellar.

Actor’s Script Front Matter © 2022 MTI Enterprises Inc., created by iTheatrics under the supervision of Timothy Allen McDonald.

Broadway Senior is a registered trademark of Music Theatre International.

All rights reserved. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited by law.

(Last Revised—May 2026)

Glossary Actor: A person who performs as a character in a play or musical.

Author: A writer of a play or musical, also known as a playwright. A musical’s authors include the book writer, a composer, and a lyricist.

Blocking: The actors’ movement in a play or musical, not including the choreography. The director usually assigns blocking during rehearsals.

Book writer: One of the authors of a musical. The book writer writes the lines (dialogue) and the stage directions. Also called the librettist.

Cast: The performers in a show.

Cheating out: Turning oneself slightly toward the house when performing so the audience may better see one’s face and hear one’s lines.

Choreographer: A person who creates and teaches the dance numbers in a musical.

Composer: A person who writes music for a musical.

Creative team: The author(s), director, choreographer, music director, and designers for a play or musical.

Cross: When an actor onstage moves toward or away from another actor or object.

Dialogue: A conversation between two or more characters.

Director: A person who provides the artistic vision, coordinates the creative elements and stages the play.

Downstage: The portion of the stage closest to the audience. The opposite of upstage.

House: The area of the theater where the audience sits to watch the show.

House left: The left side of the theater from an audience’s perspective. If something is located “house left” it is to the left side of the audience as they are seated in the theater.

House right: The right side of the theater from the audience’s perspective.

If something is located “house right” it is to the right side of the audience as they are seated in the theater.

Lines: The dialogue spoken by the actors.

Lyricist: A person who writes the lyrics of a musical. The lyricist works with a composer to create songs.

Lyrics: The words of a song.

Monologue: A dramatic speech by one actor.

Music director: A person who is in charge of teaching the songs to the cast and orchestra and maintaining the quality of the performed score.

—i—

Glossary (Cont'd) Musical: A play with songs that are used to tell a story.

Off-book: The actor’s ability to perform his or her memorized lines without holding the script.

Offstage: Any area out of view of the audience. Also called backstage.

Onstage: Anything on the stage and within view of the audience is said to be onstage.

Opening night: The first official performance of a production, after which the show is frozen, meaning no further changes are made, and reviews may be published.

Play: A type of dramatic writing meant to be performed live on a stage. A musical is one kind of play.

Protagonist: The main character in a musical. The action centers around this character.

Raked stage: A stage which is raised slightly upstage so that it slants towards the audience.

Rehearsal: A meeting during which the cast learns and practices the show.

Script: 1) The written words that make up a show, including spoken words, stage directions and lyrics. 2) The book that contains those words.

Speed-through: To speak through the dialogue of a scene as quickly as possible.

A speed-through rehearsal helps actors memorize their lines, and it infuses energy into the pacing of a scene.

Stage directions: Words in the script that describe the actions for the characters that are not part of the dialogue.

Stage left: The left side of the stage, from the actor’s perspective. Also house right.

Stage manager: The stage manager is responsible for keeping all rehearsals and performances on schedule, along with acting as a mediator within the company.

Stage right: The right side of the stage, from the actor’s perspective. Also house left.

Upstage: The part of the stage furthest from the audience. The opposite of downstage.

Warm-up: Exercises at the beginning of a rehearsal or before a performance that prepare actors’ voices and bodies.

—ii—

Words To Know From T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

Allay—to reduce or lessen Apparatus—a piece of equipment or machinery needed to perform a purpose Biscotti—Italian almond biscuits Boutonnieres—a floral decoration worn on the lapel of a suit Cad—a scoundrel Chorine—a chorus girl Cockamamie—absurd or bizarre Culmination—the climax or highest point of a situation or thing Debonair—confident and dashing Éclair—a long pastry with cream filling Ganache—a pastry glaze, icing, or filling made from chocolate and cream Harried—stressed out or strained Jovial—jolly or cheerful Keister—an informal word for rear end Labyrinth—a maze Lament—expressing distress or grief Petit four—a small cake or cookie Lido deck—a ship’s deck with a swimming pool Macaroon—a small cookie made from almonds Mirth—amusement, especially expressing with laughter Motif—a recurring, symbolic element in a narrative Profiterole—a cream puff Trifle—an English dessert made with layers of sponge cake Wending—to move in a direction but without a specific route

—iii—

Synopsis The Drowsy Chaperone JR. begins with Man in Chair addressing the audience. He discusses musicals, bringing up one of his favorites: The Drowsy Chaperone. He plays a record, immersing the audience in the show.

Mrs. Tottendale and her Underling enter, Tottendale admires her dress along with the rest of the cast, who appear onstage to introduce themselves (Fancy Dress). Everyone is gathered for the wedding of Robert Martin and Janet Van De Graaff, a "glamorous showgirl" giving up her career to be with the man she loves. Robert gives a speech about his soon-to-be bride, but George, the best man, speaks up, saying it is bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding. George tasks Drowsy the Chaperone with keeping the couple apart.

The couple is whisked away, and the focus shifts to Janet's producer, Feldzieg, who is clearly troubled that Janet is leaving her career behind. His distress intensifies when a pair of Gangsters appear. The Gangsters were sent by the largest investor in Feldzieg's company.

They are tasked with ensuring that the wedding does not take place so the star of the show will remain. The Gangsters threaten Feldzieg, who promises that the wedding will not occur.

Meanwhile, Robert is in his room with wedding-day jitters. He gives himself a pep talk that turns into a lively dance (Cold Feets—Part 1). George enters, watching as Robert continues (Cold Feets—Part 2). When Robert finishes, George suggests that his friend roller skate to blow off steam. However, he also insists the groom wear a blindfold so he will not accidentally see Janet (Wedding Bells 1—Parts 1 & 2).

At that moment, Janet is being interviewed about giving up her career. Among the swarm of reporters is Feldzieg, who begs her to stay with his show. Janet refuses, insisting she does not want to show off while simultaneously putting on a performance for the crowd (Show Off).

The Gangsters witness Janet's proclamation, telling Feldzieg it does not seem as if Janet wishes to stay in show business. Janet performs an encore (Show Off Encore). Feldzieg forms a new plan, recruiting unwitting Aldolpho by saying that the groom said he was a "scoundrel." The producer suggests to an outraged Aldolpho that the man take revenge by kissing the bride.

Aldolpho storms off in search of her.

In the bridal suite, Janet voices second thoughts about the wedding to her chaperone. She hopes the woman will give her some words of inspiration, but Drowsy simply expresses that in life, everyone is stumbling along, uncertain of themselves (As We Stumble Along).

Still, Janet begs her chaperone for advice. Drowsy tells her to go to her fiancé. As Janet exits, Aldolpho enters, confusing Drowsy for the bride. Drowsy denies this at first, but when Aldolpho says that he must kiss the bride, the chaperone changes her story, telling Aldolpho that she is the bride. Before they share a kiss, Aldolpho presses her to remember his name (Aldolpho).

—iv—

Synopsis (Cont'd) Meanwhile, Robert, still in roller skates and blindfolded, stumbles into the garden and nearly runs into a plant. Janet enters and cries out to him, but he does not recognize her voice. When Janet realizes this, she takes on the identity of Mimi, a woman from France. With her vocal disguise, Janet prompts Robert to talk about her. Robert relives the moment he realized he was in love, and Janet, caught up in the moment, shares a kiss with him. However, Janet quickly realizes her fiancé just kissed a woman that he did not know was her. She slaps him and rushes off, leaving Robert in distress.

Not knowing about the interaction in the garden, the Gangsters approach Feldzieg in Tottendale's salon. They use menacing cooking phrases and movements to describe what they're going to do to Feldzieg, the final result being a "Toledo Surprise." However, Feldzieg is so caught up in their grace and rhythm that he asks them to repeat all this, turning the Gangsters into surprisingly good performers (Toledo Surprise—Part 1). Aldolpho and Drowsy enter, Aldolpho proclaiming that he has kissed the bride and the wedding is cancelled. As soon as Feldzieg tells him that Drowsy is not the bride, Janet and Robert enter, again saying the wedding is off. Feldzieg joyfully joins the Gangsters in another performance (Toledo Surprise—Part 2). The rest of the cast and a reluctant Janet and Robert join the dance (Act One Finale).

After the cancellation of the wedding, Janet stands alone on her balcony, tormented by her broken heart (Bride's Lament). However, when Tottendale's underling asks if the wedding pews should be taken away, Tottendale says no, believing that love will prevail (Love Is Always Lovely).

Drowsy enters the bridal suite and tells Janet that she is getting married to Aldolpho.

Tottendale and her underling enter and announce that they, too, intend to be married. Robert bursts in next, insisting that he loves Janet and still wants to marry her. Feldzieg enters, arguing that Janet will miss the attention of show business if she follows through with the wedding. Janet turns to her chaperone for advice, and though Drowsy's advice is unclear to the Man in Chair and the audience, Janet agrees once again to marry Robert. As the Gangsters menacingly approach Feldzieg, he finds a replacement for Janet and quite unintentionally a wife in actress Kitty. All of the couples proceed to say "I do" in one wedding, officiated by Trix (I Do, I Do in the Sky—Part 1).

Suddenly, the power goes out in the Man's home, bringing the wedding joy to an abrupt halt.

The Man's superintendent appears, telling him he had been calling to warn him about this. The superintendent resets the breakers, restoring power, and the wedding scene suddenly bursts to life once more (I Do, I Do in the Sky—Part 2). The Man rushes the superintendent out, frustrated that the mood has been broken. The Man addresses the audience, acknowledging the musical's faults, yet sharing how much he still treasures it. He sings about it as the cast slowly trickles onstage, interacting with him for the first time (Finale Ultimo and Bows).

—v—

Characters

(in order of appearance) Drowsy Chaperone—Janet's confidante and friend; a diva leading lady who takes pride in chewing the scenery, played by the famous Beatrice Stockwell Man in Chair—the narrator of this story, a musical theatre aficionado who mourns the end of the Golden Era; a bit lonely, a definite homebody, and very particular about his privacy and his space Underling—Mrs. Tottendale's much-put-upon butler and right hand man; thrifty and stiff, yet with an understated sense of humor Mrs. Tottendale—the always-happy, often-befuddled hostess of Janet and Robert's wedding Robert Martin—Janet's ever-cheerful fiancé, with the air of a debonair leading man George—Robert's stressed-out best man Victor Feldzieg—a Broadway producer; always seems a bit on edge, a schemer Kitty—a chorus girl gunning to take over Janet's role; a lot of heart, but not very bright Gangster 1, Gangster 2, and Gangsters—thugs posing as pastry chefs, intending to collect from Feldzieg Aldolpho—a famously charming, European "ladies man" who believes he is a true gift to women and will do anything to uphold his honor Janet Van De Graaff—a glamorous showgirl who plans to give up her career to marry Robert Martin; confident and powerful, but secretly insecure Trix—the spunky female aviator who, by chance, is recruited to perform the wedding Superintendent—manager of the Man in Chair's apartment building ENSEMBLE—Guests; Staff; Reporters (including Reporters 1-4)

—vi—

Musical Numbers 1.

Opening Scene. . .................................................................................................. 1

2.

Fancy Dress...........................................................................COMPANY.......... 2

3.

Robert's Entrance............................................................................................. 13

4.

Cold Feets (Part 1). . ..................................... ROBERT, GEORGE, STAFF........ 13

5.

Cold Feets (Part 2). . ..................................... ROBERT, GEORGE, STAFF........ 14

6.

Wedding Bells #1 (Part 1).........................................................GEORGE........ 15

7.

Wedding Bells #1 (Part 2).........................................................GEORGE........ 16

8.

Janet by the Pool.............................................................................................. 17

9.

Show Off..................................................................JANET, ENSEMBLE........ 18

10.

Show Off Playoff.............................................................................................. 20

11.

Show Off Encore.. ....................................................JANET, ENSEMBLE........ 21

12.

Janet's Bridal Suite........................................................................................... 22

13.

As We Stumble Along........................................ DROWSY, ENSEMBLE........ 23

14.

Aldolpho. . .............................................ALDOLPHO, DROWSY, STAFF........ 26

15.

Aldolpho Playoff. . ............................................................................................ 29

16.

Accident Preprise...................................................................... ROBERT........ 29

17.

I Sure Did!........................................................................................................ 32

18.

Kitty, the Incomprehensible............................................................................ 33

19.

Toledo Surprise (Part 1).......FELDZIEG, GANGSTERS, KITTY, STAFF........ 35

20.

Toledo Surprise (Part 2)................ FELDZIEG, TOTTENDALE, KITTY, ...............................................................................GANGSTERS, STAFF........ 39

21.

Act One Finale. . .....................................................................COMPANY........ 41

22.

Bride's Lament.. ................................. JANET, MAN IN CHAIR, STAFF........ 42

23.

The Phone Rings Again.. .................................................................................. 45

24.

Love Is Always Lovely.. ......................... TOTTENDALE, UNDERLING........ 46

25.

Incidental. . ........................................................................................................ 49

26.

Accident Underscore . . ...................................................................................... 51

27.

Kitty, the Incredible......................................................................................... 53

28.

Wedding Bells #2 (Part 1) ................................GEORGE, MEN, STAFF........ 55

29.

Wedding Bells #2 (Part 2)............................................................... TRIX........ 55

30.

I Do, I Do in the Sky (Part 1).. .................................... TRIX, COMPANY........ 56

31.

I Do, I Do in the Sky (Part 2).. ...............................................COMPANY........ 61

32.

Finale Ultimo. . ......................................... MAN IN CHAIR, COMPANY........ 62

33.

Bows.. ................................................................................................................ 64

34.

Exit Music......................................................................................................... 64

—vii—

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 1 —

PROLOGUE (The theatre is dark. A voice from the stage addresses the waiting audience.)

MAN IN CHAIR I hate theatre. You know what I do when I'm sitting in a darkened theatre waiting for the show to begin? I pray. Please let it be a good show. And let it be short. And keep the actors out of the audience… I didn't pay good money to have the fourth wall come crashing down around my ears. I just want a story, and a few good songs that will take me away. I just want to be entertained. I mean, isn't that the point?

(Lights up.)

Oh, hello. How are we today? I'm feeling a little blue myself. You know, a little anxious for no particular reason. Anyway, whenever I'm feeling this way, blue, I like to listen to my music. So, I was going through my records this morning—yes, records—and what did I find—

(Extracting a record) —but one of my favorite shows Gable and Stein's The Drowsy Chaperone; Remember? It's the full show with the original cast including Beatrice Stockwell as the Chaperone. Isn't she elegant? And this is a full fifteen years before she became Dame Beatrice Stockwell.

Can you believe it? So. Would you… would you indulge me? Would you let me play the record for you now? I was hoping you would say yes.

(MAN IN CHAIR puts the record on the record player. He places the needle.)

#1—Opening Scene (MAN IN CHAIR settles back and listens for a moment.)

Isn't this wonderful? The curtain is going up. I can't wait!

— 2 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

SCENE 1: TOTTENDALE'S ENTRANCE HALL—MORNING (UNDERLING enters, followed by MRS. TOTTENDALE.)

TOTTENDALE Underling?

UNDERLING Yes, madam?

TOTTENDALE How do I look?

UNDERLING You look radiant, Mrs. Tottendale.

TOTTENDALE I do love this dress so. It never goes out of style.

UNDERLING It's a miracle, madam.

#2—Fancy Dress

Company

TOTTENDALE MY DRESS! MY DRESS! MY FANCY DRESS! I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M WEARING IT, I MUST CONFESS. MY DRESS! MY DRESS! I LOVE MY DRESS. WOULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I PUT IT ON?

UNDERLING YES! YES! YOUR DRESS! YOUR FANCY DRESS— 'TWAS SUCH A PLEASURE AIRING IT, RESTITCHING AND REPAIRING IT. GOD BLESS! YOUR DRESS! IT'S ONE FINE DRESS, AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY YOU PUT IT ON.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(UNDERLING) WEDDING BELLS WILL RING. WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME. MADAME, YOU'RE THE HOSTESS AND IT'S HAPPY WEDDING TIME.

TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING WEDDING BELLS WILL DING. WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG. WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING

(The STAFF enter and join the song.)

TOTTENDALE, UNDERLING & STAFF AND WE WILL DING ALONG. YOUR DRESS! YOUR DRESS! YOUR FANCY DRESS! WE'RE VERY, VERY GLAD YOU PUT IT ON.

(Instrumental door chimes.)

UNDERLING Ah! WEDDING GUESTS HAVE COME.

STAFF WEDDING GUESTS ARE HERE.

TOTTENDALE, UNDERLING & STAFF WEDDING GUESTS ARE AT THE DOOR AND SOON THEY WILL APPEAR.

(The STAFF opens the doors as each of the following guests make their entrance.)

ROBERT I'M ROBERT, THE BRIDEGROOM. I'M HERE TO MARRY JANET, THAT STAR OF FELDZIEG'S FOLLIES WHOM I LOVE A LOT.

GEORGE I'M GEORGE! THAT'S GEORGE! HIS BEST MAN, GEORGE. I'M HONORED TO BE DOING WHAT A BEST MAN OUGHT!

— 3 —

— 4 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(GEORGE walks up to MRS. TOTTENDALE.)

(GEORGE) Ah, Mrs. Tottendale. Now, don't worry. I have this whole wedding planned out. The key is organization. See?

(He holds up his fingers, each with a string tied around it.)

Each string represents a task yet to be completed. Pay the musicians, yell at the florist, book the Minister. This whole wedding's going to run like clockwork.

TOTTENDALE Oh, is there going to be a wedding?

FELDZIEG I'M FELDZIEG, PRODUCER. I LOST MY LEADING LADY. I GOTTA STOP THIS WEDDING, OR I'M NOT WORTH SQUAT.

KITTY I'M KITTY! JUST KITTY! I CAME WITH MISTER FELDZIEG. I'LL BE A LEADING LADY IF I GET MY SHOT!

(A group of GANGSTERS enter dressed as pastry chefs.)

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS.

REST OF GANGSTERS WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS.

ALL GANGSTERS WE CROSS OUR HEARTS, WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS.

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 NO FAKERY!

REST OF GANGSTERS A BAKERY—

ALL GANGSTERS —IS WHAT WE GOT.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO! ALDOLPHO! MY NAME, IT IS ALDOLPHO. I AM THE KING OF ROMANCE, SO I KISS A LOT.

ALL YOU ARE THE KING OF ROMANCE, SO YOU KISS A LOT. WEDDING BELLS WILL RING! WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME! WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE A HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

(ALL gasp. They sing in hushed tones:) SOMEONE HASN'T COME. SOMEONE ISN'T HERE. WHERE IS JANET VAN DE GRAAFF AND WHEN WILL SHE APPEAR?

(JANET enters.)

IT'S JANET! IT'S JANET! IT'S JANET VAN DE GRAAFF!

JANET I'M JANET! JANET VAN DE GRAAFF. HERE TO MARRY ROBERT MARTIN, GIVING UP A LIFE OF GLAMOUR TO TIE THE KNOT.

(The chaperone, DROWSY, enters.)

DROWSY AM I LATE? I'M THE CHAPERONE. CHAPERONE OF JANET VAN DE GRAAFF. MAID OF HONOR, FRIEND AND CONFIDANTE, AND ALL THAT ROT.

Weddings make me drowsy.

ALL IT'S REALLY HAPPENING…

(Airplane SFX)

— 5 —

— 6 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(ALL) TRULY HAPPENING…

(Airplane SFX) ALMOST HAPPENING…

(Airplane SFX) WHAT IS HAPPENING?

(Airplane SFX)

TRIX I'M TRIX! THE AVIATRIX! QUEEN OF THE SKY. I CIRCLE THROUGH THE STRATUS IN MY MODERN APPARATUS. I'M TRIX! THE AVIATRIX! I GOTTA FLY. I'LL SEE YA WHEN THEY TIE THE KNOT!

ALL A WEDDING, A WEDDING! HOORAY!

GROUP 1 DING-A-LING!

GROUP 2 DING-A-LING!

GROUP 3 DING-A-LING!

(The MAN IN CHAIR turns down the volume.)

ALL (Very soft under dialogue) A WEDDING, A WEDDING! A WEDDING'S COMING OUR WAY. A WEDDING, A WEDDING TODAY!

GROUP 1 DING-A-LING!

MAN IN CHAIR (Turns down the volume) Well there you have it, all the guests have arrived. We have a bride who's giving up the stage for love, her debonair bridegroom, a harried producer, jovial gangsters posing as pastry chefs, a flaky chorine, a lothario, and an aviatrix.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

GROUP 2 DING-A-LING!

GROUP 3 DING-A-LING!

ALL A WEDDING, A WEDDING! IT'S REALLY HAPPENING… TRULY HAPPENING… ALMOST HAPPENING… SURELY HAPPENING…

MAN IN CHAIR And, of course, my favorite character, the Drowsy Chaperone. What more do you need for an evening's entertainment?

(He turns up the volume.)

ALL WEDDING BELLS WILL RING! WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME! WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE A HAPPY WEDDING TIME! WEDDING BELLS WILL DING! WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG! WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING AND WE WILL DING ALONG!

MAN IN CHAIR Wasn't that wonderful! "And we will ding-a-long"; I don't even know what that means!

Alright, I'll lead you through this record as best I can. Don't worry; it won't be hard to follow. So, we begin with a welcome from the lovestruck groom.

ROBERT Well, I just wanted to thank you all for coming. I tell you I must be some lucky fellow.

Why, who would have thought that I, Robert Martin, would be marrying a glamorous showgirl, and that that glamorous showgirl would be willing to give up a successful career for me, Robert Martin.

— 7 —

— 8 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALL (As in "isn't that sweet") Awww!

ROBERT Here's to Miss Janet Van De Graaff—the most beautiful girl in the world.

GEORGE Absolutely not!

ALL (Ad-libs) Gasp!

ROBERT Excuse me?

GEORGE The groom mustn't see his bride on the day of the wedding. It's bad luck!

MAN IN CHAIR I hope you heard that, because that's the plot. Basically. Hang on for the ride!

UNDERLING Breakfast will be served in the Arabian room.

GEORGE (To DROWSY CHAPERONE) Look. You keep Janet away from Robert, you understand? You're the chaperone, that's your only job.

DROWSY Aye, aye, mon capitan.

JANET Oh, Robert! Who's my funny bunny?

ROBERT I am! I'm your funny bunny.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 9 —

(JANET and ROBERT exit.)

MAN IN CHAIR So, the bride and groom are whisked away, and we turn our attention to the B plot which involves the Producer.

KITTY Mr. Feldzieg?

FELDZIEG Getting married and leaving show business.

KITTY Mr. Feldzieg?

FELDZIEG Doesn't she know I got obligations?

KITTY Mr. Feldzieg. I can be your leading lady. You said it yourself—I'm useless in the chorus.

FELDZIEG Kitty! For the last time, you ain't got what it takes.

KITTY But, I been taking lessons; Singing. Acting. Ballet.

FELDZIEG Ballet?

KITTY Yeah. I'm pretty good, too. Last week I auditioned for Swanee Lake.

FELDZIEG Kitty, I don't have time for this!

(Enter GANGSTERS.)

GANGSTER 1 A petit four, Mr. Feldzieg?

— 10 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

FELDZIEG Not now.

GANGSTER 2 Perhaps a nice profiterole.

FELDZIEG I'm not hungry.

GANGSTER 1 Then perhaps we could give you something else to chew on.

ALL GANGSTERS Yeah. Something that ain't food.

FELDZIEG What?

GANGSTER 1 Your confusion is to be expected. Although we stand here before you in the guise of innocent pastry chefs, we are also—

GANGSTER 2 And primarily employees of a certain individual who happens to be—

GANGSTER 1 —The largest single investor in Feldzieg's Follies. He sent us here—

GANGSTER 2 As pastry chefs…

GANGSTER 1 To express his concern about Ms. Van De Graaff's impending nuptials.

GANGSTER 2 Specifically…

GANGSTER 1 That if she gets married and leaves the show…

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 11 —

ALL GANGSTERS … then there ain't no show.

FELDZIEG You tell your boss this wedding is never going to happen. You have my word.

GANGSTER 2 Oh, we'll take your word, alright.

GANGSTER 1 But, to go back on that word—would be a recipe for disaster. Now we hope we have made ourselves perfectly éclair.

GANGSTER 2 One cannoli hope.

GANGSTER 1 You biscotti be kidding me.

GANGSTER 2 A trifle much?

GANGSTER 1 Don't tart with me.

FELDZIEG Alright. You can drop the pastry chef routine.

GANGSTER 1 Alas, we ganache.

GANGSTER 2 We're on the lamb.

GANGSTER 1 Lamb's an entrée, you macaroon. We'll leave the matter in your hands, Mr. Feldzieg. In the meantime, feel free to browse the dessert carousel.

GANGSTER 2 Try the Toledo Surprise.

— 12 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALL GANGSTERS It's to die for.

(GANGSTERS exit.)

KITTY Holy cats, Mr. Feldzieg! They're gangsters.

FELDZIEG Very perceptive. Now go powder your face.

(KITTY exits.)

I've got to stop this wedding, but how? How! How?!

MAN IN CHAIR I always thought that moment was a little overplayed. So with the story well on its way, let's go to the groom's room.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 13 —

SCENE 2: ROBERT'S ROOM—MORNING #3—Robert's Entrance (ROBERT is putting on his tux. He stares into the mirror.)

ROBERT Hey there, handsome. Show me those pearly whites.

(Beat) Now don't you worry. It's perfectly normal for a groom to be nervous on his wedding day. It is? Of course.

#4—Cold Feets (Part 1)

Robert, George, Staff

HEY THERE, MISTER MIRROR MAN, SHAKIN' AND A' QUAKIN', TREMBLIN' LIKE DEM FRAIDY CATS DO. SOMETHIN' BIG BE BOTHERIN' YOU.

You know what you got…

COLD FEETS, COLD FEETS— BROTHER, YOU GOT COLD FEETS. YOU CAN MAKE DEM COLD FEETS HOT WITH A LITTLE RHYTHM. YOUNG FEETS, OLD FEETS, CAN BE UNCONTROLLED FEETS. RHYTHM MAKE DEM COLD FEETS TROT DOWN THE AISLE.

(GEORGE enters on the phone, mid-conversation.)

GEORGE You don't say? Well, why don't you just slime back into your mud hole, you backstabbing worm!

(He hangs up.)

Well, now I have to find another minister. Say, what are you up to?

ROBERT I'm singing a song. A Dixie remedy for wedding day jitters.

— 14 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

GEORGE You think you've got jitters? You got the easy part! I've still got to get rice, boutonnieres, and a minister! I have the weight of the wedding on my shoulders!

ROBERT George, it sounds like you've got cold feets.

(ROBERT starts to dance. The STAFF enters and joins the dance.)

GEORGE WHAT DO I GOT?

ROBERT COLD FEETS!

GEORGE (Getting into the rhythm) WHAT DO I WANT?

ROBERT BOLD FEETS!

GEORGE WHAT DO I DO? SCOLD FEETS?

ROBERT NOOOOO!

ROBERT & STAFF YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT!

(They dance. GEORGE starts slowly and then joins them. The tap routine builds to a solo for ROBERT or GEORGE or both, finishing with the performer[s] out of breath.)

#5—Cold Feets (Part 2)

Robert, George, Staff

ROBERT & GEORGE FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT!

ROBERT, GEORGE & STAFF COLD FEETS, COLD FEETS— TURN 'EM INTO BOLD FEETS. RHYTHM MAKE DEM COLD FEETS HOT!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 15 —

(ROBERT, GEORGE & STAFF) YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT! YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT! YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT! YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT!

(STAFF exits on applause.)

GEORGE Alright, alright. That's enough of that. Dancing around like a fool. You could've snapped an ankle. Dancing is too dangerous. Why don't you go out for a skate instead? That's what I do when I want to blow off some steam. Roller skate.

(GEORGE hands ROBERT a pair of roller skates.)

ROBERT George, what would I do without you?

GEORGE Wait a minute. What was I thinking? Oh, n-n-n-no. You might see Janet. Here, put on this blindfold.

(GEORGE blindfolds ROBERT.)

ROBERT George, you think of everything.

GEORGE Just looking out for you, my boy. And no more tap dancing.

#6—Wedding Bells #1 (Part 1)

George

(GEORGE) (GEORGE pushes ROBERT out the door. The telephone rings as GEORGE starts singing.)

WEDDING BELLS WILL RING.

(Phone rings) WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME.

(Phone rings) WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE—

— 16 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(The phone continues to ring. MAN IN CHAIR lifts the needle on the record and waits it out.)

MAN IN CHAIR Just ignore it. It does this occasionally. It rings. It will stop soon. Just ignore it.

(Yells to the phone) What? What do you want?

(The ringing stops.)

Oh, well, that's it. The moment is ruined. Thank you. Thank you, life. Sorry. Let's just shake that off. Let's go back in our minds to 1928. They didn't have cell phones in 1928, but I'm sure they had something for the ruining of moments. Bugles, or something.

(MAN IN CHAIR puts the needle back.)

#7—Wedding Bells #1 (Part 2)

George

GEORGE HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

(GEORGE exits.)

MAN IN CHAIR So, the scene shifts and we find the bride, the glamorous Janet Van De Graaff, entertaining questions from reporters as she lounges by the pool.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 17 —

SCENE 3: TOTTENDALE'S POOL—EARLY AFTERNOON #8—Janet by the Pool (The bride—JANET—entertains a large group of REPORTERS while lounging by the pool.)

REPORTER 1 Miss Van De Graaff, is it true you're giving up a successful career to marry a man you hardly know?

JANET Yes. Robert and I met on the lido deck of the Ile de France. He amused me with stories of his father's oil interests. We giggled, briefly, and then he proposed.

REPORTER 2 So, you won't be returning to stage? Ever?

JANET I shan't.

REPORTER 3 You shan't?

JANET I shan't.

REPORTER 4 Can we quote you on that?

JANET Of course. One more question.

FELDZIEG I got a question. How can you give up the footlights when you know very well you got greasepaint in your veins?

JANET Victor, please.

— 18 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

FELDZIEG Oh, Janet. I am begging you. Dump the mug, stay with the Follies. I'll give you anything you want. I'll put your name above mine on the marquee.

(The REPORTERS gasp.)

JANET Oh, Victor, if you think this is about vanity, you couldn't be more wrong.

#9—Show Off

Janet, Ensemble

(JANET) I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SING TUNES NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA RIDE MOONS NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF. I DON'T WANNA WEAR THIS NO MORE. PLAY THE SAUCY SWISS MISS NO MORE. BLOW MY SIGNATURE (KISS) NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF.

(Additional GUESTS enter.)

FELDZIEG Janet, please.

JANET DON'T TRY TO CONTROL ME, I'VE MADE UP MY MIND. AND THAT'S IT—I QUIT! I'M LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND! I DON'T WANNA BE CUTE NO MORE. MAKE THE BALCONY HOOT NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA WEAR FRUIT NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF.

REPORTERS & GUESTS SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

JANET NOT ME!

REPORTERS & GUESTS READ HER NAME IN THE NEWS NO MORE.

JANET PAGE THREE!

REPORTERS & GUESTS GET THE GLOWING REVIEWS NO MORE.

JANET AW GEE! I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

REPORTERS & GUESTS SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

JANET I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

REPORTERS & GUESTS SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE, OFF NO MORE!

JANET NOT ME. WHEEE!

(Dance break. JANET shows trick after trick.)

I DON'T WANNA CHANGE KEYS NO MORE. HIT A LOT OF HIGH "C"S NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SAY "CHEESE" NO MORE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU SCOFF.

ALL SHE DON'T WANNA BE CHEERED NO MORE, PRAISED NO MORE, GRABBED NO MORE, TOUCHED NO MORE—

JANET LOVED NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

— 19 —

— 20 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALL SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

JANET I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

ALL SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

(JANET takes a drink of water. Her voice is still heard.)

JANET (Prerecorded) I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

ALL SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

JANET & ALL (Live) I (SHE) DON'T WANNA SHOW… OFF!

JANET NO MORE!

#10—Show Off Playoff (The DROWSY CHAPERONE sits up. She has been sleeping onstage the whole time, hidden from the audience's view by the REPORTERS and GUESTS.)

DROWSY Did I miss something?

GANGSTER 1 Well, Mr. Feldzieg. It is painfully obvious that Miss Van De Graaff has no desire to continue a life on the stage.

GANGSTER 2 Can't you see it's killing her soul?

FELDZIEG Don't worry. This isn't over yet.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 21 —

REPORTER 1 Yeah. I'm surprised she didn't do an encore.

#11—Show Off Encore

Janet, Ensemble

JANET I DON'T WANNA ENCORE NO MORE!

JANET & ALL KEEP 'EM SHOUTING' FOR MORE NO MORE! MAKE THE AUDIENCE ROAR NO MORE! I (SHE) DON'T WANNA SHOW… OFF!

(JANET exits, followed by everyone but FELDZIEG.)

FELDZIEG Okay, begging and groveling didn't work. On to plan B. And for that I am going to need an accomplice.

(ALDOLPHO enters.)

ALDOLPHO La la la la la la—

FELDZIEG Excuse me. I don't believe we've met.

ALDOLPHO I am Aldolpho.

FELDZIEG You are Aldolpho?

ALDOLPHO Yes, I am Aldolpho.

FELDZIEG Not, the Aldolpho.

ALDOLPHO Yes, I am Aldolpho.

— 22 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

FELDZIEG Funny, you don't look like a scoundrel.

ALDOLPHO Yes… what?

FELDZIEG Why, just now I overheard the groom saying that Aldolpho is a scoundrel.

ALDOLPHO What? Aldolpho is a scoundrel!

FELDZIEG Those very words.

ALDOLPHO Aldolpho is a scoundrel!

FELDZIEG It's like I'm hearing it again.

ALDOLPHO This is outrageous! Why, I must… I must…

FELDZIEG You must, you must take matters into your own hands. You know what they say, the best way to get revenge on a man is through his woman.

ALDOLPHO Through his woman!

FELDZIEG You Aldolpho! You must kiss his bride!

ALDOLPHO Aldolpho will kiss his bride. That will show people that Aldolpho is no scoundrel. Show me to this bride.

(ALDOLPHO and FELDZIEG exit.)

#12—Janet's Bridal Suite

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 23 —

SCENE 4: JANET'S BRIDAL SUITE—AFTERNOON JANET (Looking in the mirror) In a few hours I'm going to be Mrs. Robert Martin. Oh, my head is spinning.

DROWSY Yes, life is a mad whirlwind.

MAN IN CHAIR This is a really interesting scene. This is the only time in the show that Janet and the Chaperone are alone together on stage. Jane Roberts, who plays Janet, was an emerging star, but Beatrice Stockwell, the chaperone, was already well established and a force to contend with.

JANET I know it seems crazy to give up a successful career to marry a man I hardly know, but somehow, for some reason when I look into his eyes… his big, bunny eyes… ah gee… I get all woozy. And that's love, isn't it?

DROWSY Not necessarily. The wooziness could be caused by any number of things. I mean, I'm woozy right now and I'm certainly not in love.

MAN IN CHAIR Now, Beatrice Stockwell was famous for her rousing anthems. She demanded that a rousing anthem be included in every show she ever did, even if it wasn't appropriate. But you just couldn't say no to her. That's star power.

JANET Really, you're not being the least bit helpful. Couldn't you at least allay my fears with a few choice words of inspiration?

#13—As We Stumble Along

Drowsy, Ensemble

DROWSY Inspiration? Really, dear, that's not my forte.

JANET Yes, but if you—

— 24 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

DROWSY AS WE STUMBLE ALONG ON LIFE'S FUNNY JOURNEY, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG INTO THE BLUE, WE LOOK HERE AND WE LOOK THERE, SEEKING ANSWERS ANYWHERE, NEVER SURE OF WHERE TO TURN OR WHAT TO DO. STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH, BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT NOR RIGHT FROM WRONG. AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD WILL SING HIS SONG, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG.

JANET That was quite nice, Chaperone, but I don't see how it pertains to my situation.

DROWSY Let me explain.

(DROWSY pulls the screen onstage in front of JANET.) AS WE STUMBLE ALONG 'CROSS LIFE'S CROWDED DANCE FLOOR, AS WE PUSH AND WE SHOVE, WE LIVE AND WE LEARN. AND WHEN WE FIN'LLY LEAVE THE BAR AND WE SEE THAT MORNING STAR, WE PULL OUR BOOTSTRAPS UP AND HOMEWARD TURN.

(The ENSEMBLE sings from offstage.)

DROWSY

ALL

THEN WE STUMBLE AWAY

OOO

THROUGH DAWN'S BLINDING SUNBEAMS,

OOO

BARELY KNOWING RIGHT FROM RIGHT

AH

NOR LEFT FROM WRONG.

AH

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(DROWSY)

— 25 —

(ALL)

BUT AS LONG AS WE CAN HEAR

OOO

THAT LITTLE BLUEBIRD,

AH!

THERE'LL BE A SONG

AH

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG.

AH

AS WE STUMBLE, BUMBLE, FUMBLE, PLUMBLE, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG.

AH!

MAN IN CHAIR Don't you just love her?

JANET Well, that was quite inspiring, Chaperone. But, I'm still conflicted. Oh. Please. Just tell me.

Is Robert the man for me?

DROWSY My dear, that's something you'll have to decide for yourself.

JANET But, I just don't know if he loves me.

DROWSY Why don't you ask him? Why don't you say, "Roger, do you love me?"

JANET It's Robert. And I'm not allowed to see him. In fact, it's your job to keep me away from him.

DROWSY You're right. And I take the responsibility very seriously. However, I'm just this moment feeling terribly, terribly drowsy. I'm afraid I have to have a lie-de-down. Now whatever you do, don't go wandering through the garden seeking out your fiancé to ask him the question upon which your future happiness depends.

(The DROWSY CHAPERONE reclines, and closes her eyes.)

JANET Oh, thank you, Chaperone. I just have to know if he loves me.

(JANET sneaks out.)

— 26 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

DROWSY Such a fool. Still, I envy her. Oh, when will love come crashing through my door?

(ALDOLPHO enters)

ALDOLPHO La la la la la. I am Aldolpho! And you are bride.

DROWSY No. I am not.

ALDOLPHO Whaaat? This is bridal suite, you are the only one here. Therefore you must be bride.

DROWSY Me-no-bride. Perhaps I could take a message.

ALDOLPHO Yes, very good… Dear Van De Graaff bride, I must kiss you, sooner is better, signed Aldolpho, King of Romance.

DROWSY Well, you saw through my little ruse. You've found me out.

ALDOLPHO Ahh, so you are the bride.

DROWSY Apparently, yes. Take me, Aldollface.

ALDOLPHO No, no, no, not Aldollface—Aldolpho. You must remember my name. How can I make you remember?

#14—Aldolpho

Aldolpho, Drowsy, Staff

(ALDOLPHO) I'M SURE THAT YOU HAVE HEARD THE NAME:

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALDOLPHO A LADIES' MAN WHO WINS ACCLAIM,

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO WELL, LOVELY MISS, I AM THE SAME

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO I INTRODUCE MYSELF: I AM ALDOLPHO.

DROWSY Nice to meet you.

ALDOLPHO NOW, JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO I'LL TRY TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR:

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO THE LOVELY LADIES ALWAYS CHEER

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO WHEN I REPEAT MYSELF, I AM ALDOLPHO.

DROWSY Understood.

— 27 —

— 28 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

STAFF HE CAN SING IT HIGH:

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO!

STAFF HE CAN SING IT LOW:

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO!

STAFF HE CAN SING IT VERY FAST:

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO!

STAFF HE CAN SING IT VERY SLOW…LY

ALDOLPHO I'd do it now, but it would take hours. Now let us see if you can remember my name.

DROWSY I'll give it a shot.

ALDOLPHO & STAFF NOW WHO'S THE FELLOW THAT YOU SEE?

DROWSY ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO AND HOW SHOULD YOU REFER TO ME?

DROWSY ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO & STAFF AND WHO IS IT I'LL (HE'LL) ALWAYS BE?

DROWSY ALDOLPHO.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 29 —

ALDOLPHO & STAFF NOW SING IT PROUDLY!

DROWSY YOU ARE ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO NOW LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU… A-A-A-A-A-AL DO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HOL F-F-F-F-F-FO!

STAFF HE IS… ALDOLPHO!

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO!

#15—Aldolpho Playoff (ALDOLPHO and DROWSY exit arm in arm while the STAFF exits.)

MAN IN CHAIR This was my mother's favorite number in the show. I think it was her secret fantasy to be swept off her feet by a stranger. But that's what musicals are all about, right? Romantic fantasy. Falling in love at the drop of a hat! Spontaneous tangoing. Suddenly finding yourself in an insanely romantic setting! Like a garden!

#16—Accident Preprise

Robert

(ROBERT rolls onto stage wearing roller skates and a blindfold.)

ROBERT I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN! DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA… LA DA DA DA DA DA—

(He is about to run into a plant when JANET enters.)

JANET Robert, look out!

— 30 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

SCENE 5: TOTTENDALE'S GARDEN—AFTERNOON ROBERT Don't worry, madam. I'm getting married today, so I have to wear a blindfold. I'm an accident waiting to happen.

JANET A blindfold?

ROBERT I'm sorry. Who am I speaking to anyhow?

JANET Why, it's me. I mean… Mimi. Mimi from France.

MAN IN CHAIR This scene couldn't be any more ridiculous.

JANET So, you are marrying Janet Van De Graaff, non?

ROBERT Oui.

JANET I hear she's very beautiful.

ROBERT Oui.

JANET And glamorous.

ROBERT Ahh, oui. Oui.

JANET Is it true that she has an exceptionally broad range and excels at playing both comedic and dramatic roles?

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 31 —

ROBERT Say, I'm having trouble placing your accent. What part of France are you from?

JANET Oh… the middle part… where they make the… toast. You were telling me about your, how do you say it in English; fiancé?

ROBERT That's right.

JANET Well, tell me, when was the moment when you knew that she was the only one for you?

ROBERT It's a funny story, actually. We were standing on the lido deck of the Isle de France—

JANET Yes?

ROBERT I was amusing her with stories of my father's oil interests—

JANET And then what happened?

ROBERT I looked into her eyes, her big glamorous eyes, and I felt all woozy—

JANET And then you fell! Uh… and then you fell?

ROBERT Yes. Right on my keister. And I said, "Well, I guess I don't have my sea legs yet."

JANET (Lost in the moment) But we haven't left the dock.

ROBERT That's what she said. And that's when I knew it must be love. And then… we kissed.

— 32 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(They are both so caught up in the moment, they kiss. A moment passes.)

JANET Wait a minute…

(JANET slaps ROBERT.) You kissed a strange French girl on your wedding day!

(JANET rushes off.)

ROBERT Oh, no! What have I done! Wait!

(ROBERT skates off.)

MAN IN CHAIR Well, it seems that the blindfold and the fake French accent have led to a terrible misunderstanding. What a mess! Will it all work out in the end? Of course it will! It's a musical! Everything always works out in musicals. In the real world nothing ever works out and the only people who burst into song are the hopelessly deranged.

#17—I Sure Did!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 33 —

SCENE 6: TOTTENDALE'S SALON—AFTERNOON KITTY Mr. Feldzieg.

FELDZIEG Where is Aldolpho?

KITTY Mr. Feldzieg. You don't need Janet no more.

FELDZIEG Kitty. Not now.

KITTY I've been working on a mind-reading act.

#18—Kitty, the Incomprehensible

(KITTY) Presenting "Kitty, the Incomprehensible."

(KITTY closes her eyes, waves his fingers at FELDZIEG.) Now think of something.

FELDZIEG Oh, I'm thinking of something, alright.

KITTY Wait! I'm getting it… "Pick up some milk… and a loaf of rye bread… and don't forget to shave your legs."

(KITTY looks at him, confused.)

FELDZIEG You're reading your own mind, you idiot!

KITTY No wonder it was so easy.

(KITTY exits. The GANGSTERS enter.)

— 34 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

GANGSTER 1 Mr. Feldzieg.

GANGSTER 2 It would seem the wedding is proceeding according to schedule.

GANGSTER 1 Now, it's time you received your just desserts. What do you think, partner? Should we whip up something special for Mr. Feldzieg?

GANGSTER 2 Yeah. How about a Toledo Surprise?

FELDZIEG A Toledo Surprise? I never heard of that.

GANGSTER 1 Those people who have heard of it are generally never heard from again.

GANGSTER 2 We'll share the recipe with you.

GANGSTER 1 First you chop the nuts—

GANGSTER 2 Then you pound the dough—

GANGSTER 1 Then you bake it up nice and slow—

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 And then you got your Toledo.

(Slap) Toledo Surprise.

FELDZIEG Could you run that by me again?

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 35 —

GANGSTER 1 It's a very simple recipe, Mr. Feldzieg. First you chop the nuts—

GANGSTER 2 Then you pound the dough—

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 Then you bake it up nice and slow— And then you got your Toledo.

(Slap) Toledo Surprise.

GANGSTER 1 Say, why don't we give him a little taste?

GANGSTER 2 All right.

(The GANGSTERS cock their fists.)

FELDZIEG Hold it! What style! What grace! What rhythm! Open your fists! Now shake 'em! Now give me that recipe one more time.

#19—Toledo Surprise (Part 1)

Feldzieg, Gangsters, Kitty, Staff

(FELDZIEG) DA DA DA DA DA DA! GO!

(The GANGSTERS begin tentatively.)

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 CHOP THE NUTS, POUND THE DOUGH, BAKE IT UP—

FELDZIEG Front!

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 NICE AND SLOW. THEN YOU GOT A TOLEDO—

— 36 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(GANGSTERS 1 & 2) TOLEDO SURPRISE!

FELDZIEG Now sell it!

(The GANGSTERS sing with full confidence.)

ALL GANGSTERS PIT THE PEACH, PEEL THE SKIN, MUSH IT UP, THROW IT IN. THAT'S A TASTY TOLEDO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

FELDZIEG Now you're cooking!

ALL GANGSTERS FIRST YOU BEAT IT UP, THEN YOU SWEET IT UP, WHEN YOU HEAT IT UP IF IT TRIES TO RISE!

ALL GANGSTERS & FELDZIEG DON'T LET IT! IT'S A SNAP—TRY IT, FOLKS! WHIP YOUR WHITES, SPLIT YOUR YOLKS. THEN YOU GOT A SPLEN-DI-DO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

FELDZIEG You boys are naturals.

GANGSTER 2 Honest?

FELDZIEG Keep it up, I'll go work on the contracts.

ALL GANGSTERS Hey!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 37 —

FELDZIEG A five, six, seven, eight!

(KITTY enters.)

KITTY Mr. Feldzieg. Oh, what's going on here?

FELDZIEG Kitty. I'm developing a new act.

ALL GANGSTERS TOLEDO SURPRISE!

KITTY You mean, you're putting gangsters in the show and you won't put me in? They're not even in the union.

FELDZIEG Shh. You got it all wrong. The new act—it's for you, Kitty. And these are your backup dancers.

KITTY Backup dancers? Holy cats!

(KITTY dances with the GANGSTERS. Eventually the STAFF enters and begins dancing with them.)

KITTY & ALL GANGSTERS

STAFF

SQUEEZE THE CREAM, GREASE THE PAN.

DO DO DO

LICK THE SPOON, FLIP THE FLAN.

DO DO DO

ALL MAKES YOU BUST YOUR TUXEDO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

(ALDOLPHO enters with the DROWSY CHAPERONE.)

ALDOLPHO Wait! Wait! Aldolpho, he make announcement. Wedding is off!

GEORGE What?

— 38 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALDOLPHO Aldolpho has kissed the bride!

(ALDOLPHO indicates DROWSY CHAPERONE.)

ALL What?

FELDZIEG That's not the bride, you idiot. That is the chaperone.

GEORGE The wedding is on!

(JANET and ROBERT enter.)

JANET The wedding is off!

GEORGE What?

JANET Robert kissed a French girl. Her name is Mimi. She's very beautiful.

ROBERT I couldn't help it, Janet. She was just like you, only French.

(JANET slaps ROBERT.)

GEORGE Sweet mother of pearl!

TOTTENDALE Underling.

UNDERLING Yes, madam.

TOTTENDALE What is all this commotion about?

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 39 —

UNDERLING The wedding, madam.

TOTTENDALE Oh, is there going to be a wedding?

FELDZIEG Not anymore.

#20—Toledo Surprise (Part 2)

Feldzieg, Tottendale, Kitty, Gangsters, Staff

(FELDZIEG) Oh, what a tragedy! What a wonderful, wonderful tragedy!

(FELDZIEG turns to the GANGSTERS.) Clear the floor, boys, I'll show you how it's done.

FIRST YOU BEAT IT UP, THEN YOU SWEET IT UP, WHEN YOU HEAT IT UP IF IT TRIES TO RISE! DON'T LET IT!

(FELDZIEG dances with the STAFF.) TOLEDO SURPRISE!

TOTTENDALE SURPRISE?

KITTY & FELDZIEG WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY!

TOTTENDALE SURPRISE?

ALL GANGSTERS WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY!

TOTTENDALE SURPRISE?

FELDZIEG, KITTY & ALL GANGSTERS WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY!

— 40 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

STAFF NOW IT'S LOOKIN' READY!

TOTTENDALE SURPRISE!

ALL YOU GOT IT! MAKES ME TWITCH, MAKES ME SHAKE! THIS DESSERT TAKES THE CAKE. HITS ME LIKE A TORPEDO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

GROUP 1

GROUP 2

TOLEDO SURPRISE! TOLEDO SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

ALL SURPRISE!

KITTY (Screams) Surprise!

ALL Surprise!

CHOP THE NUTS… POUND THE DOUGH… BAKE IT UP… NICE AND SLOW… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEDO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

(The record skips.)

THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE…

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 41 —

(MAN IN CHAIR rushes over to the record player and stomps on the floor. The record continues.)

(ALL) THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… SURPRISE!

PART 1

PART 2 WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY!

SURPRISE! WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY! SURPRISE!

ALL THAT'S A TASTY TOLEDO SURPRISE!

#21—Act One Finale

Company

JANET Why are we dancing? Our dreams are in tatters.

ROBERT Yes. Yes… But the tune is so infectious…

JANET Oh, Robert. This is the saddest day of my life!

ALL WEDDING BELLS WON'T RING. WEDDING BELLS WON'T CHIME. THEY WILL NEVER CELEBRATE THEIR HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

MAN IN CHAIR And that's that. The curtain falls, and it's time for the intermission. At least it would be, if we were actually sitting in the Morosco Theatre.

(MAN IN CHAIR changes the records.)

Now Act Two of The Drowsy Chaperone begins with a haunting lament from a very depressed bride. She sings it standing on her balcony bathed in the pale blue light of a sympathetic moon, which is ridiculous because it's the middle of the day.

(MAN IN CHAIR starts the record.)

— 42 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

SCENE 7: COURTYARD—AFTERNOON #22—Bride's Lament

Janet, Man In Chair, Staff

(MAN IN CHAIR) Now, while you're listening to this, try to ignore the lyrics. I know it will be difficult, but block them out. They're not the best, but the tune is beautiful, and it truly communicates the bride's state of mind. Just ignore the lyrics.

JANET I PUT A BUNNY ON A PEDESTAL, AND TRIED TO MAKE THAT BUNNY STAY. AND HE SAT ON THE TOP, BUT HE NEEDED TO HOP AND WITH OTHER BUNNIES PLAY FAR AWAY… HE LEFT HIS CARROT ON THAT PEDESTAL, BESIDE SOME PELLETS IN A CUP, AND I HAVEN'T GOT THE STRENGTH TO CLEAN IT UP.

JANET & MAN IN CHAIR OH, BUNNY, BUNNY, BUNNY…

JANET YOU BROKE MY HEART IN TWO. BUT I'LL ALWAYS SAVE THAT PEDESTAL…

MAN IN CHAIR PEDESTAL…

JANET FOR YOU. COME, MY FUNNY BUNNY, COME, MY FUNNY BUNNY, DO.

MAN IN CHAIR Okay, here we go…

JANET Wait!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

MAN IN CHAIR Who are you?

JANET I'm Janet Van De Graaff!

MAN IN CHAIR Do you need anyone?

JANET I don't need anyone!

MAN IN CHAIR (Speaking quickly) What about the love of one man?

JANET What do I care about the love of one man when I am adored by millions!

MAN IN CHAIR Now she really lets go.

JANET I'M JANET, JANET VAN DE GRAAFF! AIN'T NO NAIL THAT I CAN'T HAMMER! WHY GIVE UP A LIFE OF GLAMOUR, LIFE OF GLAMOUR, LIFE OF GLAMOUR— NO!

STAFF BUNNY, BUNNY…

MAN IN CHAIR I love this part.

STAFF BUNNY, BUNNY…

— 43 —

— 44 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

MAN IN CHAIR She's having a complete mental breakdown.

STAFF

JANET

BUNNY, BUNNY, BUNNY…

I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO

BUNNY, BUNNY, BUNNY…

HAPPEN! I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE.

BUNNY, BUNNY… I DON'T WANNA SPREAD MIRTH NO MORE. BUNNY, BUNNY… BE THE GREATEST ON EARTH NO MORE.

JANET I DON'T WANNA… I WANNA… I DON'T WANNA… I WANNA… I DON'T… I DO… I DON'T… I DO… DO I WANNA SHOW OFF?

STAFF STAY, JANET. STAY, JANET. STAY UPON THE STAGE, JANET. MILLIONS WANT TO SEE YOU SHINE.

JANET AND I THINK…

STAFF SURE, JANET. SURE, JANET. FUTURE IS SECURE, JANET. MILLIONS WILL DO JUST FINE.

JANET BUT WHY GO ON WITHOUT MY FUNNY BUNNY CAD? HE MAKES MY HEART GO POP, HE DRIVES… ME HOPPIN' MAD!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

STAFF

— 45 —

JANET

SHE PUT A BUNNY ON A PEDESTAL, AND TRIED TO MAKE THAT BUNNY STAY.

Oh Robert! What a fool I've been! A hapless fool! I know now that I love you, but I've thrown it all away! I love you, bunny… but is love enough? Is love ever enough?

AND HE SAT ON THE TOP, BUT HE NEEDED TO HOP AND WITH OTHER BUNNIES PLAY.

STAFF THAT'S THE STORY OF A BUNNY GONE ASTRAY.

JANET

STAFF

I ASK BUNNY, BUNNY… THE STARS BUNNY, BUNNY… ABOVE:

JANET IS IT MY BUNNY OR MY PEDESTAL I LOVE?

STAFF AH, AH, BUNNY ON A PEDESTAL.

MAN IN CHAIR Don't you just love that number? …It has everything! Halfway between a show tune and a Looney Toon! "Bugsby Berkeley," I like to call it. And that's another thing I love about musicals in general. When a character is in crisis they sing and they dance. Which is so much more interesting than just whining about it. But that's the glory of musical theatre—

#23—The Phone Rings Again

(MAN IN CHAIR) (Phone rings.)

Oh! Oh! You see? This is what I'm talking about. This is life. You manage to be happy for five seconds and then something starts ringing!

(MAN IN CHAIR crosses to the phone.)

— 46 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

SCENE 8: HALLWAY—LATE AFTERNOON TOTTENDALE What a beautiful day for a wedding.

(MAN IN CHAIR picks up the phone quickly and sets it back down to make it stop ringing.)

MAN IN CHAIR I don't want the number ruined by a ringing telephone.

UNDERLING Shall I have the pews removed now, or would you prefer I wait until morning?

TOTTENDALE Why would you have the pews removed?

UNDERLING The bride has called off the wedding, madam.

TOTTENDALE Oh, Underling. Never listen to a bride on her wedding day. Love is a very complex emotion. You can be very close to someone one minute, and the next minute, why, you just want to strangle them, do you understand?

UNDERLING I'm familiar with the urge to strangle, yes.

TOTTENDALE You see? That's just the nature of love.

#24—Love Is Always Lovely

Tottendale, Underling

(TOTTENDALE) LOVE MAKES LOVERS WORRY, LOVE MAKES LOVERS FRET. BUT HERE'S A FACT ON WHICH WE CAN DEPEND: JUST LIKE LONG AGO, WHEN ROMEO LOVED JULIET, LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 47 —

UNDERLING But Romeo and Juliet was a tragedy, madam.

TOTTENDALE Oh, I never read reviews.

LOVE CAN START A QUARREL, LOVE CAN CAUSE A DIN. BUT LOVE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A TRUSTY FRIEND. 'TWAS A HAPPY FATE FOR HANK THE EIGHT AND ANNE BOLEYN! LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END.

UNDERLING Might I remind you, madam, that Anne Boleyn lost her head.

TOTTENDALE Yes! She was in love!

LOVE WAS GOOD TO EVE AND ADAM.

UNDERLING Here we go again.

TOTTENDALE AND SAMSON AND DELILAH, TOO.

UNDERLING Good grief.

MAY I POSE A QUESTION, MADAM?

TOTTENDALE Why yes, of course.

UNDERLING WHY DOES NOTHING I SAY TO YOU EVER GET THROUGH?

TOTTENDALE DON'T MIND IF I DO!

(She grabs his hand and they dance a soft-shoe. The phone rings again. MAN IN CHAIR rushes over to it and, after a brief struggle, rips it out of the wall. The dance concludes.)

TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END.

— 48 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

TOTTENDALE LOVE SNEAKS UP BEHIND YOU, LOVE DROPS FROM ABOVE. BUT LOVE WOULD NEVER CONSCIOUSLY OFFEND. LOVE HAS CERTAINLY BEEN KIND TO ME AND MY TRUE LOVE. LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END.

UNDERLING BUT YOUR LATE HUSBAND WAS A BRUTE—

TOTTENDALE I DON'T MEAN HIM, YOU SILLY COOT!

(UNDERLING finally understands she is talking about him. He smiles.)

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY…

UNDERLING LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY…

TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END! LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 49 —

SCENE 9: JANET'S BRIDAL SUITE—LATE AFTERNOON #25—Incidental

MAN IN CHAIR Oh! There's a moment coming up that I've become obsessed with.

JANET There you are. Oh, Chaperone, I'm in a terrible state.

DROWSY You certainly are. You can't go to the wedding looking like that.

JANET Oh, you poor dear. Haven't you heard? The wedding's been called off.

DROWSY Not your wedding. Mine. Oh! That reminds me. Might I borrow your veil?

JANET You're getting married? But, to whom?

(ALDOLPHO enters, singing.)

ALDOLPHO La la la la la.

(Notices JANET) Ah, beautiful lady with baffled expression?

JANET You're marrying Aldolpho?

DROWSY I know it's surprising, but when I look into his eyes, his big, clumsy eyes, I get all drowsy.

And that's love, isn't it?

ALDOLPHO (To DROWSY) Yes, dear. That is love.

— 50 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(ALDOLPHO) (To JANET) Help me…

(GEORGE bursts in. He rushes over to JANET.)

GEORGE There you are. Alright, I'm going to put my cards on the table. I got a weak heart; can't take the pressure. Please. Tell me. Is there going to be a wedding or not?

JANET Yes. Aldolpho and the chaperone are getting married.

GEORGE What?

(UNDERLING and TOTTENDALE rush in.)

TOTTENDALE There you are. I have wonderful news. There's going to be a wedding.

GEORGE We know.

TOTTENDALE You know?

GEORGE Yes. We just heard.

TOTTENDALE But who told you?

JANET I did.

TOTTENDALE But how did you know?

GEORGE What difference does it make?

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 51 —

UNDERLING Mrs. Tottendale and I are to be married in the garden at 7:30 this evening.

GEORGE What?

TOTTENDALE What? Oh, yes.

JANET Congratulations. To everyone.

GEORGE Say, what kind of cockamamie wedding is this? Everybody's getting married except the bride and groom!

(ROBERT rushes in.)

ROBERT There you are. Aw Janet, I've been looking everywhere for you.

JANET Hello, Mr. Martin.

ROBERT Please don't be that way, Janet, it's our wedding day, George has gone to all this trouble, and, well, I do love you, more than I can say…

#26—Accident Underscore

JANET But you kissed another woman.

ROBERT Yes. And I just can't understand it. I know this may sound ridiculous, but when I was kissing that French girl, why, it was just like kissing you.

JANET Oh, Robert. You were kissing me.

— 52 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ROBERT You mean, you're Mimi? Well! That French accent was remarkably accurate.

(FELDZIEG, KITTY and the GANGSTERS burst in.)

FELDZIEG There you are! Before you do anything, think about this: no matter how well you play the part of the "happy wife," you'll never, ever get a standing ovation.

JANET Oh, I just don't know. Oh, I'm so confused. Chaperone, please, I beg you, just this one time give me some advice that is coherent and appropriate to the situation. Should I marry Robert?

MAN IN CHAIR Okay. Now here it comes. The moment I was talking about. Not only the culmination of the plot, but a moment that has fascinated me more than any other and that has brought me back to this record again and again. Here it comes.

DROWSY Well, my advice to you is—

MAN IN CHAIR And this is it. Listen.

(ALDOLPHO drops his cane.)

DROWSY L–ve while you can.

MAN IN CHAIR Is she saying "live while you can," or "leave while you can"?

(ALDOLPHO drops his cane.)

DROWSY L–ve while you can.

MAN IN CHAIR I mean, it's Beatrice Stockwell, so it might just be a cynical quip, but this is a wedding after all and that's exactly what you think when you're standing at the altar, isn't it, "live" or "leave" and you have to live. Because in the larger sense it's better to have lived than left, right?

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 53 —

(ALDOLPHO drops his cane.)

DROWSY L–ve while you can.

[Here's a tip to the CHAPERONE about performing this cane gag (three times in total).

As soon as you hear the cane hit the floor, say VWHILE YOU CAN. By doing so, you're amalgamating "L–ve" and "while" into one syllable VWHILE, and really emphasizing the V. Remember the CHAPERONE does not need to rush the line—there is enough time to say the line as the cane drops.]

MAN IN CHAIR You have no idea how many times I've listened to that.

JANET Oh, Chaperone, you certainly have a way with words. Robert, my answer is yes. I will marry you.

GEORGE Wonderful! Wonderful!

(The GANGSTERS approach FELDZIEG and KITTY.)

GANGSTER 1 Well, Mr. Feldzieg, it looks like the wedding is a done deal.

GANGSTER 2 Now you're in truffle.

GANGSTER 1 And there's muffin you can do about it.

FELDZIEG But there is. I found a replacement. A new leading lady.

#27—Kitty, the Incredible

(FELDZIEG) Presenting, "Kitty, the Incredible." Okay Kitty, now concentrate and show the boys how you can read my mind. MY mind.

(KITTY concentrates.)

— 54 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

KITTY "Kitty, will you marry me?" Holy cats! Mr. Feldzieg! Yes! Yes!

(KITTY and FELDZIEG laugh.)

FELDZIEG (Trapped) Isn't she amazing?

(EVERYONE cheers. The GUESTS prepare themselves for the ceremony as GEORGE speaks.)

GEORGE Well, what are you waiting for? You ladies go put on your frillies. We'll all get married in one big clump.

ROBERT Well, George, I don't know how you managed to pull it off. Four weddings in one day! I guess you're everybody's best man now.

GEORGE I am?

MEN Of course (etc.)

(Ad-lib.)

GEORGE I am!!

MEN Hip, hip, hooray!!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 55 —

SCENE 10: TOTTENDALE'S GARDEN—SUNSET #28—Wedding Bells #2 (Part 1)

George, Men, Staff

(MEN) HE'S GEORGE! THAT'S GEORGE! THE BEST MAN, GEORGE!

GEORGE I'M HONORED TO BE DOING WHAT A BEST MAN OUGHT.

MEN HE'S BASKING IN THE GLORY OF A FIGHT WELL-FOUGHT!

(The STAFF enters.)

STAFF WEDDING BELLS WILL RING. WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME. WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE A HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

(WOMEN enter in wedding attire.)

ALL WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE A HAPPY WEDDING…

GEORGE Minister, you may begin.

(GEORGE holds up a finger, the only one that still has a string tied around it.)

Oh no, I forgot the minister!

#29—Wedding Bells #2 (Part 2)

Trix

(Airplane rumble. TRIX descends.)

(GEORGE) Who are you?

— 56 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

TRIX I'M TRIX! THE AVIATRIX! QUEEN OF THE SKY. TO RIO, I WAS WENDING WHEN MY ENGINE NEEDED MENDING. I'LL FIX MY NAVIGATRIX, AND THEN I'LL FLY AND LET YOU LOVEBIRDS TIE THE KNOT.

So sorry to crash the party, folks. But we'll have this fixed in two shakes and then off to Rio for Carnival!

ROBERT Wait! The captain of a ship can perform a marriage!

ALL Yes!

UNDERLING And a pilot is comparable to a captain.

ALL Yes!

ALDOLPHO And airplane is a kind of a sheep. A sheep of the air. Some call it an air-sheep!

ALL Oh, ship! Yes!

GEORGE Wait! I got it! Trix!

#30—I Do, I Do in the Sky (Part 1)

Trix, Company

(GEORGE) You can marry them on the plane and then we'll all have the honeymoon in Rio!

ALL Hoorah!!!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 57 —

(ALL) A BRIDE AND GROOM IN A CHAPEL MAY BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE, BUT WHAT A THRILL WHEN LOVEBIRDS TRILL "I DO, I DO" IN THE SKY!

PART 1

PART 2

WHEN VOWS ARE SAID IN A MEADOW,

WHEN VOWS ARE SAID IN A MEADOW…

THE BEES AND DAFFODILS SIGH.

AH!

BUT HEARTBEATS RUSH

LA…

WHEN SWEETHEARTS GUSH "I DO, I DO" IN THE SKY!

"I DO, I DO" IN THE SKY!

TRIX DO YOU?

TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING WE DO.

TRIX DO YOU?

DROWSY & ALDOLPHO WE DO.

TRIX DO YOU?

FELDZIEG & KITTY WE DO.

TRIX DO YOU?

ROBERT & JANET WE DO!

ALL A BRIDE AND GROOM IN A CHAPEL MAY BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE. WITH RAINBOWS BENDING BEFORE US AND CLOUDS MEANDERING BY, ONE CAN'T RESTRAIN THAT SWEET REFRAIN: "I DO, I DO" IN THE SKY!

— 58 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(ALL) WHEN VOWS ARE SAID IN A MEADOW, THE BEES AND DAFFODILS SIGH. BUT HEARTBEATS RUSH WHEN SWEETHEARTS GUSH

PART 1

PART 2

"I DO, I DO"

"I DO, I DO…"

IN THE SKY!

OO

I DO!

I

I DO, IN THE SKY!

DO IN THE SKY!

MEN LOOK! UP AHEAD! DO YOU SEE IT?

WOMEN COULD IT BE? YES! IT'S RIO!

JANET Well, hurry up Trix, we've got some honeymooning to do!

ALL THEN FLY! THEN FLY!

PART 1 THEN FLY!

PART 2 IT'S SUCH A THRILL WHEN LOVEBIRDS TRILL

ALL "LET'S FLY!" AND CLOUDS MEANDERING BY! ONE CAN'T RESTRAIN THAT SWEET REFRAIN:

PART 1 "I DO"

PART 2 "I DO"

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 59 —

PART 3 "I DO"

PART 2 "I DO"

ALL "I DO" UP IN THE—

(With the last note, the power goes out, the record winds down, and the stage is plunged into blackness.)

MAN IN CHAIR Oh, no. Oh, I can't believe it. Okay. Everybody stay calm. This happens occasionally. It's a horrible old apartment with terrible wiring.

(MAN IN CHAIR rummages around for a flashlight.)

Just concentrate. Just keep the show alive in your minds.

(He finds a flashlight and turns it on.)

Don't talk to anyone. I'll find the fuse box.

(There's a knock at the door.)

Everybody be quiet.

(The knocking continues.)

SUPERINTENDENT It's the super.

MAN IN CHAIR Oh, no.

(MAN IN CHAIR goes and opens the door. Another flashlight appears.)

SUPERINTENDENT Hi.

MAN IN CHAIR Hello.

SUPERINTENDENT Your lights are out.

— 60 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

MAN IN CHAIR Yes.

SUPERINTENDENT Yea. We had to shut the power off because we're replacing the breaker panel in the basement.

MAN IN CHAIR Yes.

SUPERINTENDENT So, we replaced it, but when we turned the power off the breakers in all the apartments tripped.

MAN IN CHAIR Yes.

SUPERINTENDENT That's what happens. It's normal.

MAN IN CHAIR Yes.

SUPERINTENDENT So, I got to reset your breakers.

MAN IN CHAIR Now?

SUPERINTENDENT It'll only take a second.

MAN IN CHAIR Alright, alright, alright.

(The two flashlights move across the stage.)

SUPERINTENDENT Because I tried calling you earlier before, but there was no answer.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 61 —

MAN IN CHAIR Oh. I've been having problems with the phone.

SUPERINTENDENT Here we go.

(The SUPERINTENDENT switches the power back on, the lights come on revealing the cast, and the music roars back.)

#31—I Do, I Do in the Sky (Part 2)

Company

ALL AH… SKY!

(The MAN IN CHAIR quickly takes the needle off the record.)

SUPERINTENDENT What was that?

MAN IN CHAIR It was a record.

SUPERINTENDENT What kind of music was that?

MAN IN CHAIR It was just music. It was a show. You know, a musical.

SUPERINTENDENT You like musicals.

MAN IN CHAIR No.

SUPERINTENDENT I love musicals. I go all the time. It's amazing what they can do nowadays. Did you see Miss Saigon? They landed a helicopter onstage in that one.

(MAN IN CHAIR glances at the phone as the SUPERINTENDENT crosses to the door.)

— 62 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(SUPERINTENDENT) Yeah, I've seen 'em all. I've seen CATS, Les Miz, Saturday Night Fever—I liked the movie better—

MAN IN CHAIR Really. Well, goodbye.

(MAN IN CHAIR closes the door.)

Well that's it: it's ruined. One note away from the end of the show and the mood is broken.

(Pause) I should just start the record again from the beginning. No. I can't do that, can I? Oh, it's so frustrating. You have to understand, I love this show so much. And I've never even seen it. My mother gave me the record. This was just before my father left us. Oh, he didn't leave because of the record, although I'm sure it didn't help matters. Look, I know it's not a perfect show; the rabbit motif is labored. But none of that matters. It does what a musical is supposed to do: it takes you to another world. And it gives you a little tune to carry with in your head, you know? A little something for when you're feeling blue. You know?

#32—Finale Ultimo

Man In Chair, Company

(MAN IN CHAIR) (As the MAN IN CHAIR sings, the CAST slowly comes out of their positions and begins to interact with him for the first time in the show.)

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG ON LIFE'S FUNNY JOURNEY, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG INTO THE BLUE, WE LOOK HERE AND WE LOOK THERE, SEEKING ANSWERS ANYWHERE, NEVER SURE OF WHERE TO TURN OR WHAT TO DO.

(The COMPANY begins to interact with the MAN IN CHAIR.)

ROBERT I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN…

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 63 —

MAN IN CHAIR STILL WE BUMBLE

JANET

OUR WAY

I DON'T WANNA SING TUNES NO

GEORGE

MORE.

THROUGH LIFE'S

WEDDING BELLS

CRAZY LABYRINTH,

WEDDING BELLS

FELDZIEG & ALL GANGSTERS

WILL CHIME.

TOLEDO SURPRISE!

WILL RING,

TOTTENDALE BARELY KNOWING

LOVE IS ALWAYS

LEFT FROM RIGHT

LOVELY…

UNDERLING

ALDOLPHO

LOVELY…

I AM ALDOLPHO!

NOR RIGHT FROM WRONG.

KITTY SURPRISE!

DROWSY AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD

DROWSY & MAN IN CHAIR WILL SING HIS SONG, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG.

ALL STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH,

TRIX

ALL

BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT

AH!

OR RIGHT FROM WRONG.

ALL AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD WILL SING HIS SONG, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG! AS WE STUMBLE, BUMBLE, FUMBLE, TUMBLE… AS WE STUMBLE ALONG!

— 64 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

MAN IN CHAIR Goodbye, everybody!

(MAN IN CHAIR flies out on the plane.)

#33—Bows

#34—Exit Music

THE END

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 65 —

Musical Numbers (Lyrics) 2.

Fancy Dress. . .................................................................COMPANY.......67

4.

Cold Feets (Part 1).............................. ROBERT, GEORGE, STAFF.......75

5.

Cold Feets (Part 2).............................. ROBERT, GEORGE, STAFF.......78

6.

Wedding Bells #1 (Part 1).. ...............................................GEORGE.......79

7.

Wedding Bells #1 (Part 2).. ...............................................GEORGE.......80

9.

Show Off......................................................... JANET, ENSEMBLE.......81

11. Show Off Encore............................................. JANET, ENSEMBLE.......85 13. As We Stumble Along............................... DROWSY, ENSEMBLE.......86 14. Aldolpho......................................ALDOLPHO, DROWSY, STAFF.......89 16. Accident Preprise............................................................. ROBERT.......93 19. Toledo Surprise (Part 1)....................... FELDZIEG, GANGSTERS, .................................................................................. KITTY, STAFF.......94 20. Toledo Surprise (Part 2).................... FELDZIEG, TOTTENDALE, ..........................................................KITTY, GANGSTERS, STAFF.......98 21. Act One Finale..............................................................COMPANY..... 102 22. Bride's Lament...........................JANET, MAN IN CHAIR, STAFF..... 103 24. Love Is Always Lovely.................. TOTTENDALE, UNDERLING..... 109 28. Wedding Bells #2 (Part 1) .. ...................... GEORGE, MEN, STAFF..... 112 29. Wedding Bells #2 (Part 2).. ..................................................... TRIX..... 113 30. I Do, I Do in the Sky (Part 1)............................. TRIX, COMPANY..... 114 31. I Do, I Do in the Sky (Part 2)........................................COMPANY..... 118 32. Finale Ultimo.................................. MAN IN CHAIR, COMPANY..... 119

— 66 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#2—Fancy Dress (Company)

UNDERLING It's a miracle, madam.

(Music begins) TOTTENDALE MY DRESS! MY DRESS! MY FANCY DRESS! I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M WEARING IT, I MUST CONFESS. MY DRESS! MY DRESS! I LOVE MY DRESS. WOULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I PUT IT ON?

UNDERLING YES! YES! YOUR DRESS! YOUR FANCY DRESS— 'TWAS SUCH A PLEASURE AIRING IT, RESTITCHING AND REPAIRING IT. GOD BLESS! YOUR DRESS! IT'S ONE FINE DRESS, AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY YOU PUT IT ON. WEDDING BELLS WILL RING. WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME. MADAME, YOU'RE THE HOSTESS AND IT'S HAPPY WEDDING TIME.

— 67 —

— 68 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING WEDDING BELLS WILL DING. WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG. WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING

(The STAFF enter and join the song.)

TOTTENDALE, UNDERLING & STAFF AND WE WILL DING ALONG. YOUR DRESS! YOUR DRESS! YOUR FANCY DRESS! WE'RE VERY, VERY GLAD YOU PUT IT ON.

(Instrumental door chimes.)

UNDERLING Ah! WEDDING GUESTS HAVE COME.

STAFF WEDDING GUESTS ARE HERE.

TOTTENDALE, UNDERLING & STAFF WEDDING GUESTS ARE AT THE DOOR AND SOON THEY WILL APPEAR.

(The STAFF opens the doors as each of the following guests make their entrance.)

ROBERT I'M ROBERT, THE BRIDEGROOM. I'M HERE TO MARRY JANET,

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(ROBERT) THAT STAR OF FELDZIEG'S FOLLIES WHOM I LOVE A LOT.

GEORGE I'M GEORGE! THAT'S GEORGE! HIS BEST MAN, GEORGE. I'M HONORED TO BE DOING WHAT A BEST MAN OUGHT!

(GEORGE walks up to MRS. TOTTENDALE.) Ah, Mrs. Tottendale. Now, don't worry. I have this whole wedding planned out. The key is organization. See? (He holds up his fingers, each with a string tied around it.)

Each string represents a task yet to be completed. Pay the musicians, yell at the florist, book the Minister. This whole wedding's going to run like clockwork.

TOTTENDALE Oh, is there going to be a wedding?

FELDZIEG I'M FELDZIEG, PRODUCER. I LOST MY LEADING LADY. I GOTTA STOP THIS WEDDING, OR I'M NOT WORTH SQUAT.

KITTY I'M KITTY! JUST KITTY! I CAME WITH MISTER FELDZIEG.

— 69 —

— 70 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(KITTY) I'LL BE A LEADING LADY IF I GET MY SHOT!

(A group of GANGSTERS enter dressed as pastry chefs.)

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS.

REST OF GANGSTERS WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS.

ALL GANGSTERS WE CROSS OUR HEARTS, WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS.

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 NO FAKERY!

REST OF GANGSTERS A BAKERY—

ALL GANGSTERS —IS WHAT WE GOT.

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO! ALDOLPHO! MY NAME, IT IS ALDOLPHO. I AM THE KING OF ROMANCE, SO I KISS A LOT.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALL YOU ARE THE KING OF ROMANCE, SO YOU KISS A LOT. WEDDING BELLS WILL RING! WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME! WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE A HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

(ALL gasp. They sing in hushed tones:) SOMEONE HASN'T COME. SOMEONE ISN'T HERE. WHERE IS JANET VAN DE GRAAFF AND WHEN WILL SHE APPEAR?

(JANET enters.)

IT'S JANET! IT'S JANET! IT'S JANET VAN DE GRAAFF!

JANET I'M JANET! JANET VAN DE GRAAFF. HERE TO MARRY ROBERT MARTIN, GIVING UP A LIFE OF GLAMOUR TO TIE THE KNOT.

(The chaperone, DROWSY, enters.)

DROWSY AM I LATE? I'M THE CHAPERONE. CHAPERONE OF JANET VAN DE GRAAFF.

— 71 —

— 72 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(DROWSY) MAID OF HONOR, FRIEND AND CONFIDANTE, AND ALL THAT ROT.

Weddings make me drowsy.

ALL IT'S REALLY HAPPENING…

(Airplane SFX) TRULY HAPPENING…

(Airplane SFX) ALMOST HAPPENING…

(Airplane SFX) WHAT IS HAPPENING?

(Airplane SFX) TRIX I'M TRIX! THE AVIATRIX! QUEEN OF THE SKY. I CIRCLE THROUGH THE STRATUS IN MY MODERN APPARATUS. I'M TRIX! THE AVIATRIX! I GOTTA FLY. I'LL SEE YA WHEN THEY TIE THE KNOT!

ALL A WEDDING, A WEDDING! HOORAY!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 73 —

GROUP 1 DING-A-LING!

GROUP 2 DING-A-LING!

GROUP 3 DING-A-LING!

(The MAN IN CHAIR turns down the volume.)

ALL

MAN IN CHAIR

(Very soft under dialogue)

(Turns down the volume)

A WEDDING, A WEDDING! A WEDDING'S COMING OUR WAY. A WEDDING, A WEDDING TODAY!

GROUP 1 DING-A-LING!

Well there you have it, all the guests have arrived. We have a bride who's giving up the stage for love, her debonair bridegroom, a harried producer, jovial gangsters posing as pastry chefs, a flaky chorine, a lothario, and an aviatrix.

GROUP 2 DING-A-LING!

GROUP 3 DING-A-LING!

ALL A WEDDING, A WEDDING! IT'S REALLY HAPPENING… TRULY HAPPENING…

— 74 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(ALL) ALMOST HAPPENING… SURELY HAPPENING…

MAN IN CHAIR And, of course, my favorite character, the Drowsy Chaperone.

What more do you need for an evening's entertainment?

(He turns up the volume.)

ALL WEDDING BELLS WILL RING! WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME! WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE A HAPPY WEDDING TIME! WEDDING BELLS WILL DING! WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG! WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING AND WE WILL DING ALONG!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 75 —

#4—Cold Feets (Robert, George, Staff) ROBERT Hey there, handsome. Show me those pearly whites.

(Beat) Now don't you worry. It's perfectly normal for a groom to be nervous on his wedding day. It is? Of course.

(Music begins) HEY THERE, MISTER MIRROR MAN, SHAKIN' AND A' QUAKIN', TREMBLIN' LIKE DEM FRAIDY CATS DO. SOMETHIN' BIG BE BOTHERIN' YOU.

You know what you got…

COLD FEETS, COLD FEETS— BROTHER, YOU GOT COLD FEETS. YOU CAN MAKE DEM COLD FEETS HOT WITH A LITTLE RHYTHM. YOUNG FEETS, OLD FEETS, CAN BE UNCONTROLLED FEETS. RHYTHM MAKE DEM COLD FEETS TROT DOWN THE AISLE.

(GEORGE enters on the phone, mid-conversation.)

— 76 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

GEORGE You don't say? Well, why don't you just slime back into your mud hole, you backstabbing worm!

(He hangs up.)

Well, now I have to find another minister. Say, what are you up to?

ROBERT I'm singing a song. A Dixie remedy for wedding day jitters.

GEORGE You think you've got jitters? You got the easy part! I've still got to get rice, boutonnieres, and a minister! I have the weight of the wedding on my shoulders!

ROBERT George, it sounds like you've got cold feets.

(ROBERT starts to dance. The STAFF enters and joins the dance.)

GEORGE WHAT DO I GOT?

ROBERT COLD FEETS!

GEORGE (Getting into the rhythm) WHAT DO I WANT?

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 77 —

ROBERT BOLD FEETS!

GEORGE WHAT DO I DO? SCOLD FEETS?

ROBERT NOOOOO!

ROBERT & STAFF YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT!

(They dance. GEORGE starts slowly and then joins them. The tap routine builds to a solo for ROBERT or GEORGE or both, finishing with the performer[s] out of breath.)

— 78 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#5—Cold Feets (Part 2) (Robert, George, Staff)

ROBERT & GEORGE FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT!

ROBERT, GEORGE & STAFF COLD FEETS, COLD FEETS— TURN 'EM INTO BOLD FEETS. RHYTHM MAKE DEM COLD FEETS HOT! YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT! YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT! YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT! YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT!

(STAFF exits on applause.)

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 79 —

#6—Wedding Bells #1 (Part 1) (George)

GEORGE Just looking out for you, my boy. And no more tap dancing.

(Music begins) (GEORGE) (GEORGE pushes ROBERT out the door. The telephone rings as GEORGE starts singing.)

WEDDING BELLS WILL RING.

(Phone rings) WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME.

(Phone rings) WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE—

— 80 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#7—Wedding Bells #1 (Part 2) (George)

(The phone continues to ring. MAN IN CHAIR lifts the needle on the record and waits it out.)

MAN IN CHAIR Just ignore it. It does this occasionally. It rings. It will stop soon.

Just ignore it.

(Yells to the phone) What? What do you want?

(The ringing stops.)

Oh, well, that's it. The moment is ruined. Thank you. Thank you, life. Sorry. Let's just shake that off. Let's go back in our minds to 1928. They didn't have cell phones in 1928, but I'm sure they had something for the ruining of moments. Bugles, or something.

(MAN IN CHAIR puts the needle back.)

(Music begins) GEORGE HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

(GEORGE exits.)

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

# 9 — S h o w O ff (Janet, Ensemble) JANET Oh, Victor, if you think this is about vanity, you couldn't be more wrong.

(Music begins) I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SING TUNES NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA RIDE MOONS NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF. I DON'T WANNA WEAR THIS NO MORE. PLAY THE SAUCY SWISS MISS NO MORE. BLOW MY SIGNATURE (KISS) NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF.

(Additional GUESTS enter.)

FELDZIEG Janet, please.

JANET DON'T TRY TO CONTROL ME, I'VE MADE UP MY MIND. AND THAT'S IT—I QUIT! I'M LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND! I DON'T WANNA BE CUTE NO MORE. MAKE THE BALCONY HOOT NO MORE.

— 81 —

— 82 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(JANET) I DON'T WANNA WEAR FRUIT NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF.

REPORTERS & GUESTS SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE.

JANET NOT ME!

REPORTERS & GUESTS READ HER NAME IN THE NEWS NO MORE.

JANET PAGE THREE!

REPORTERS & GUESTS GET THE GLOWING REVIEWS NO MORE.

JANET AW GEE! I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

REPORTERS & GUESTS SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

JANET I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

REPORTERS & GUESTS SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE, OFF NO MORE!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

JANET NOT ME. WHEEE!

(Dance break. JANET shows trick after trick.)

I DON'T WANNA CHANGE KEYS NO MORE. HIT A LOT OF HIGH "C"S NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SAY "CHEESE" NO MORE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU SCOFF.

ALL SHE DON'T WANNA BE CHEERED NO MORE, PRAISED NO MORE, GRABBED NO MORE, TOUCHED NO MORE—

JANET LOVED NO MORE. I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

ALL SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

JANET I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

ALL SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

(JANET takes a drink of water. Her voice is still heard.)

— 83 —

— 84 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

JANET (Prerecorded) I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

ALL SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF!

JANET & ALL (Live) I (SHE) DON'T WANNA SHOW… OFF!

JANET NO MORE!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

# 1 1 — S h o w O ff E n c o r e (Janet, Ensemble) REPORTER 1 Yeah. I'm surprised she didn't do an encore.

(Music begins) JANET I DON'T WANNA ENCORE NO MORE!

JANET & ALL KEEP 'EM SHOUTING' FOR MORE NO MORE! MAKE THE AUDIENCE ROAR NO MORE! I (SHE) DON'T WANNA SHOW… OFF!

(JANET exits, followed by everyone but FELDZIEG.)

— 85 —

— 86 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#13—As We Stumble Along (Drowsy, Ensemble) JANET Really, you're not being the least bit helpful. Couldn't you at least allay my fears with a few choice words of inspiration?

(Music begins) DROWSY Inspiration? Really, dear, that's not my forte.

JANET Yes, but if you— DROWSY AS WE STUMBLE ALONG ON LIFE'S FUNNY JOURNEY, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG INTO THE BLUE, WE LOOK HERE AND WE LOOK THERE, SEEKING ANSWERS ANYWHERE, NEVER SURE OF WHERE TO TURN OR WHAT TO DO. STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH, BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT NOR RIGHT FROM WRONG. AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 87 —

(DROWSY) WILL SING HIS SONG, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG.

JANET That was quite nice, Chaperone, but I don't see how it pertains to my situation.

DROWSY Let me explain.

(DROWSY pulls the screen onstage in front of JANET.) AS WE STUMBLE ALONG 'CROSS LIFE'S CROWDED DANCE FLOOR, AS WE PUSH AND WE SHOVE, WE LIVE AND WE LEARN. AND WHEN WE FIN'LLY LEAVE THE BAR AND WE SEE THAT MORNING STAR, WE PULL OUR BOOTSTRAPS UP AND HOMEWARD TURN.

(The ENSEMBLE sings from offstage.)

DROWSY THEN WE STUMBLE AWAY OOO THROUGH DAWN'S BLINDING OOO SUNBEAMS, BARELY KNOWING RIGHT FROM AH RIGHT NOR LEFT FROM WRONG. AH

ALL

— 88 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(DROWSY)

(ALL)

BUT AS LONG AS WE CAN HEAR

OOO

THAT LITTLE BLUEBIRD,

AH!

THERE'LL BE A SONG AS WE STUMBLE ALONG.

AH AH

AS WE STUMBLE, BUMBLE, FUMBLE, PLUMBLE, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG.

AH!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 89 —

#14—Aldolpho (Aldolpho, Drowsy, Staff) ALDOLPHO No, no, no, not Aldollface—Aldolpho. You must remember my name. How can I make you remember?

(Music begins) I'M SURE THAT YOU HAVE HEARD THE NAME:

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO A LADIES' MAN WHO WINS ACCLAIM,

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO WELL, LOVELY MISS, I AM THE SAME

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO I INTRODUCE MYSELF: I AM ALDOLPHO.

DROWSY Nice to meet you.

— 90 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALDOLPHO NOW, JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO I'LL TRY TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR:

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO THE LOVELY LADIES ALWAYS CHEER

STAFF ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO WHEN I REPEAT MYSELF, I AM ALDOLPHO.

DROWSY Understood.

STAFF HE CAN SING IT HIGH:

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 91 —

STAFF HE CAN SING IT LOW:

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO!

STAFF HE CAN SING IT VERY FAST:

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO!

STAFF HE CAN SING IT VERY SLOW… LY

ALDOLPHO I'd do it now, but it would take hours. Now let us see if you can remember my name.

DROWSY I'll give it a shot.

ALDOLPHO & STAFF NOW WHO'S THE FELLOW THAT YOU SEE?

DROWSY ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO AND HOW SHOULD YOU REFER TO ME?

— 92 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

DROWSY ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO & STAFF AND WHO IS IT I'LL (HE'LL) ALWAYS BE?

DROWSY ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO & STAFF NOW SING IT PROUDLY!

DROWSY YOU ARE ALDOLPHO.

ALDOLPHO NOW LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU… A-A-A-A-A-AL DO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HOL F-F-F-F-F-FO!

STAFF HE IS… ALDOLPHO!

ALDOLPHO ALDOLPHO!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 93 —

# 1 6 — A cc i d e n t P r e p r i s e (Robert)

MAN IN CHAIR This was my mother's favorite number in the show. I think it was her secret fantasy to be swept off her feet by a stranger. But that's what musicals are all about, right? Romantic fantasy.

Falling in love at the drop of a hat! Spontaneous tangoing.

Suddenly finding yourself in an insanely romantic setting! Like a garden!

(Music begins) (ROBERT rolls onto stage wearing roller skates and a blindfold.)

ROBERT I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN! DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA… LA DA DA DA DA DA—

(He is about to run into a plant when JANET enters.)

— 94 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#19—Toledo Surprise (Part 1) (Feldzieg, Gangsters, Kitty, Staff) FELDZIEG Hold it! What style! What grace! What rhythm! Open your fists!

Now shake 'em! Now give me that recipe one more time.

(Music begins) DA DA DA DA DA DA! GO!

(The GANGSTERS begin tentatively.)

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 CHOP THE NUTS, POUND THE DOUGH, BAKE IT UP—

FELDZIEG Front!

GANGSTERS 1 & 2 NICE AND SLOW. THEN YOU GOT A TOLEDO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

FELDZIEG Now sell it!

(The GANGSTERS sing with full confidence.)

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALL GANGSTERS PIT THE PEACH, PEEL THE SKIN, MUSH IT UP, THROW IT IN. THAT'S A TASTY TOLEDO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

FELDZIEG Now you're cooking!

ALL GANGSTERS FIRST YOU BEAT IT UP, THEN YOU SWEET IT UP, WHEN YOU HEAT IT UP IF IT TRIES TO RISE!

ALL GANGSTERS & FELDZIEG DON'T LET IT! IT'S A SNAP—TRY IT, FOLKS! WHIP YOUR WHITES, SPLIT YOUR YOLKS. THEN YOU GOT A SPLEN-DI-DO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

FELDZIEG You boys are naturals.

GANGSTER 2 Honest?

FELDZIEG Keep it up, I'll go work on the contracts.

— 95 —

— 96 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALL GANGSTERS Hey! FELDZIEG A five, six, seven, eight!

(KITTY enters.)

KITTY Mr. Feldzieg. Oh, what's going on here?

FELDZIEG Kitty. I'm developing a new act.

ALL GANGSTERS TOLEDO SURPRISE!

KITTY You mean, you're putting gangsters in the show and you won't put me in? They're not even in the union.

FELDZIEG Shh. You got it all wrong. The new act—it's for you, Kitty. And these are your backup dancers.

KITTY Backup dancers? Holy cats!

(KITTY dances with the GANGSTERS. Eventually the STAFF enters and begins dancing with them.)

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

KITTY & ALL GANGSTERS

— 97 —

STAFF

SQUEEZE THE CREAM,

DO DO DO

GREASE THE PAN. LICK THE SPOON,

DO DO DO

FLIP THE FLAN.

ALL MAKES YOU BUST YOUR TUXEDO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

— 98 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#20—Toledo Surprise (Part 2) (Feldzieg, Tottendale, Kitty, Gangsters, Staff) FELDZIEG Not anymore.

(Music begins) Oh, what a tragedy! What a wonderful, wonderful tragedy!

(FELDZIEG turns to the GANGSTERS.) Clear the floor, boys, I'll show you how it's done.

FIRST YOU BEAT IT UP, THEN YOU SWEET IT UP, WHEN YOU HEAT IT UP IF IT TRIES TO RISE! DON'T LET IT!

(FELDZIEG dances with the STAFF.) TOLEDO SURPRISE!

TOTTENDALE SURPRISE?

KITTY & FELDZIEG WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY!

TOTTENDALE SURPRISE?

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

ALL GANGSTERS WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY!

TOTTENDALE SURPRISE?

FELDZIEG, KITTY & ALL GANGSTERS WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY!

STAFF NOW IT'S LOOKIN' READY!

TOTTENDALE SURPRISE!

ALL YOU GOT IT! MAKES ME TWITCH, MAKES ME SHAKE! THIS DESSERT TAKES THE CAKE. HITS ME LIKE A TORPEDO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

GROUP 1

GROUP 2

TOLEDO SURPRISE! TOLEDO SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

ALL SURPRISE!

— 99 —

— 100 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

KITTY (Screams) Surprise!

ALL Surprise!

CHOP THE NUTS… POUND THE DOUGH… BAKE IT UP… NICE AND SLOW… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEDO— TOLEDO SURPRISE!

(The record skips.)

THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE…

(MAN IN CHAIR rushes over to the record player and stomps on the floor. The record continues.)

(ALL) THEN YOU GOT A TOLEE… SURPRISE!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

PART 1

— 101 —

PART 2 WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY!

SURPRISE! WAIT UNTIL IT'S READY! SURPRISE!

ALL THAT'S A TASTY TOLEDO SURPRISE!

— 102 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#21—Act One Finale (Company)

(Music begins) JANET Why are we dancing? Our dreams are in tatters.

ROBERT Yes. Yes… But the tune is so infectious…

JANET Oh, Robert. This is the saddest day of my life!

ALL WEDDING BELLS WON'T RING. WEDDING BELLS WON'T CHIME. THEY WILL NEVER CELEBRATE THEIR HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 103 —

#22—Bride's Lament (Janet, Man In Chair, Staff) MAN IN CHAIR And that's that. The curtain falls, and it's time for the intermission. At least it would be, if we were actually sitting in the Morosco Theatre.

(MAN IN CHAIR changes the records.)

Now Act Two of The Drowsy Chaperone begins with a haunting lament from a very depressed bride. She sings it standing on her balcony bathed in the pale blue light of a sympathetic moon, which is ridiculous because it's the middle of the day.

(MAN IN CHAIR starts the record.)

(Music begins) MAN IN CHAIR Now, while you're listening to this, try to ignore the lyrics. I know it will be difficult, but block them out. They're not the best, but the tune is beautiful, and it truly communicates the bride's state of mind. Just ignore the lyrics.

JANET I PUT A BUNNY ON A PEDESTAL, AND TRIED TO MAKE THAT BUNNY STAY. AND HE SAT ON THE TOP, BUT HE NEEDED TO HOP AND WITH OTHER BUNNIES PLAY FAR AWAY…

— 104 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(JANET) HE LEFT HIS CARROT ON THAT PEDESTAL, BESIDE SOME PELLETS IN A CUP, AND I HAVEN'T GOT THE STRENGTH TO CLEAN IT UP.

JANET & MAN IN CHAIR OH, BUNNY, BUNNY, BUNNY…

JANET YOU BROKE MY HEART IN TWO. BUT I'LL ALWAYS SAVE THAT PEDESTAL…

MAN IN CHAIR PEDESTAL…

JANET FOR YOU. COME, MY FUNNY BUNNY, COME, MY FUNNY BUNNY, DO.

MAN IN CHAIR Okay, here we go…

JANET Wait!

MAN IN CHAIR Who are you?

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 105 —

JANET I'm Janet Van De Graaff!

MAN IN CHAIR Do you need anyone?

JANET I don't need anyone!

MAN IN CHAIR (Speaking quickly) What about the love of one man?

JANET What do I care about the love of one man when I am adored by millions!

MAN IN CHAIR Now she really lets go.

JANET I'M JANET, JANET VAN DE GRAAFF! AIN'T NO NAIL THAT I CAN'T HAMMER! WHY GIVE UP A LIFE OF GLAMOUR, LIFE OF GLAMOUR, LIFE OF GLAMOUR— NO!

— 106 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

STAFF BUNNY, BUNNY…

MAN IN CHAIR I love this part.

STAFF BUNNY, BUNNY…

MAN IN CHAIR She's having a complete mental breakdown.

STAFF BUNNY, BUNNY, BUNNY… BUNNY, BUNNY, BUNNY…

JANET I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN! I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE.

BUNNY, BUNNY… I DON'T WANNA SPREAD MIRTH NO MORE. BUNNY, BUNNY… BE THE GREATEST ON EARTH NO MORE.

JANET I DON'T WANNA… I WANNA… I DON'T WANNA… I WANNA… I DON'T… I DO…

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(JANET) I DON'T… I DO… DO I WANNA SHOW OFF?

STAFF STAY, JANET. STAY, JANET. STAY UPON THE STAGE, JANET. MILLIONS WANT TO SEE YOU SHINE.

JANET AND I THINK…

STAFF SURE, JANET. SURE, JANET. FUTURE IS SECURE, JANET. MILLIONS WILL DO JUST FINE.

JANET BUT WHY GO ON WITHOUT MY FUNNY BUNNY CAD? HE MAKES MY HEART GO POP, HE DRIVES… ME HOPPIN' MAD!

— 107 —

— 108 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

STAFF

JANET

SHE PUT A BUNNY ON A PEDESTAL,

Oh Robert! What a fool I've been! A hapless fool! I know now that I love you, but I've thrown it all away! I love you, bunny… but is love enough?

Is love ever enough?

AND TRIED TO MAKE THAT BUNNY STAY. AND HE SAT ON THE TOP, BUT HE NEEDED TO HOP AND WITH OTHER BUNNIES PLAY.

STAFF THAT'S THE STORY OF A BUNNY GONE ASTRAY.

JANET

STAFF

I ASK BUNNY, BUNNY… THE STARS BUNNY, BUNNY… ABOVE:

JANET IS IT MY BUNNY OR MY PEDESTAL I LOVE?

STAFF AH, AH, BUNNY ON A PEDESTAL.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 109 —

#24—Love Is Always Lovely (Tottendale, Underling) TOTTENDALE You see? That's just the nature of love.

(Music begins) LOVE MAKES LOVERS WORRY, LOVE MAKES LOVERS FRET. BUT HERE'S A FACT ON WHICH WE CAN DEPEND: JUST LIKE LONG AGO, WHEN ROMEO LOVED JULIET, LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END.

UNDERLING But Romeo and Juliet was a tragedy, madam.

TOTTENDALE Oh, I never read reviews.

LOVE CAN START A QUARREL, LOVE CAN CAUSE A DIN. BUT LOVE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A TRUSTY FRIEND. 'TWAS A HAPPY FATE FOR HANK THE EIGHT AND ANNE BOLEYN! LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END.

UNDERLING Might I remind you, madam, that Anne Boleyn lost her head.

— 110 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

TOTTENDALE Yes! She was in love!

LOVE WAS GOOD TO EVE AND ADAM.

UNDERLING Here we go again.

TOTTENDALE AND SAMSON AND DELILAH, TOO.

UNDERLING Good grief.

MAY I POSE A QUESTION, MADAM?

TOTTENDALE Why yes, of course.

UNDERLING WHY DOES NOTHING I SAY TO YOU EVER GET THROUGH?

TOTTENDALE DON'T MIND IF I DO!

(She grabs his hand and they dance a soft-shoe. The phone rings again. MAN IN CHAIR rushes over to it and, after a brief struggle, rips it out of the wall. The dance concludes.)

TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 111 —

TOTTENDALE LOVE SNEAKS UP BEHIND YOU, LOVE DROPS FROM ABOVE. BUT LOVE WOULD NEVER CONSCIOUSLY OFFEND. LOVE HAS CERTAINLY BEEN KIND TO ME AND MY TRUE LOVE. LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END.

UNDERLING BUT YOUR LATE HUSBAND WAS A BRUTE—

TOTTENDALE I DON'T MEAN HIM, YOU SILLY COOT!

(UNDERLING finally understands she is talking about him. He smiles.)

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY…

UNDERLING LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY…

TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END! LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END!

— 112 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#28—Wedding Bells #2 (Part 1) (George, Men, Staff) MEN HE'S GEORGE! THAT'S GEORGE! THE BEST MAN, GEORGE!

GEORGE I'M HONORED TO BE DOING WHAT A BEST MAN OUGHT.

MEN HE'S BASKING IN THE GLORY OF A FIGHT WELL-FOUGHT!

(The STAFF enters.)

STAFF WEDDING BELLS WILL RING. WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME. WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE A HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

(WOMEN enter in wedding attire.)

ALL WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE A HAPPY WEDDING…

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 113 —

#29—Wedding Bells #2 (Part 2) (Trix)

GEORGE Minister, you may begin.

(GEORGE holds up a finger, the only one that still has a string tied around it.)

Oh no, I forgot the minister!

(Music begins) (Airplane rumble. TRIX descends.)

Who are you?

TRIX I'M TRIX! THE AVIATRIX! QUEEN OF THE SKY. TO RIO, I WAS WENDING WHEN MY ENGINE NEEDED MENDING. I'LL FIX MY NAVIGATRIX, AND THEN I'LL FLY AND LET YOU LOVEBIRDS TIE THE KNOT.

— 114 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#30—I Do, I Do in the Sky (Part 1) (Trix, Company) GEORGE Wait! I got it! Trix!

(Music begins) You can marry them on the plane and then we'll all have the honeymoon in Rio! ALL Hoorah!!!

A BRIDE AND GROOM IN A CHAPEL MAY BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE, BUT WHAT A THRILL WHEN LOVEBIRDS TRILL "I DO, I DO" IN THE SKY!

PART 1

PART 2

WHEN VOWS ARE SAID IN A WHEN VOWS ARE SAID IN A MEADOW, MEADOW… THE BEES AND DAFFODILS SIGH. AH! BUT HEARTBEATS RUSH LA… WHEN SWEETHEARTS GUSH "I DO, I DO" IN THE SKY! "I DO, I DO" IN THE SKY!

TRIX DO YOU?

TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING WE DO.

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

TRIX DO YOU?

DROWSY & ALDOLPHO WE DO.

TRIX DO YOU?

FELDZIEG & KITTY WE DO.

TRIX DO YOU?

ROBERT & JANET WE DO!

ALL A BRIDE AND GROOM IN A CHAPEL MAY BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE. WITH RAINBOWS BENDING BEFORE US AND CLOUDS MEANDERING BY, ONE CAN'T RESTRAIN THAT SWEET REFRAIN: "I DO, I DO" IN THE SKY! WHEN VOWS ARE SAID IN A MEADOW, THE BEES AND DAFFODILS SIGH. BUT HEARTBEATS RUSH WHEN SWEETHEARTS GUSH

— 115 —

— 116 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

PART 1

PART 2

"I DO, I DO"

"I DO, I DO…"

IN THE SKY! I DO!

OO I

I DO, IN THE SKY!

DO IN THE SKY!

MEN LOOK! UP AHEAD! DO YOU SEE IT?

WOMEN COULD IT BE? YES! IT'S RIO!

JANET Well, hurry up Trix, we've got some honeymooning to do!

ALL THEN FLY! THEN FLY!

PART 1 THEN FLY!

PART 2 IT'S SUCH A THRILL WHEN LOVEBIRDS TRILL

ALL "LET'S FLY!" AND CLOUDS MEANDERING BY! ONE CAN'T RESTRAIN THAT SWEET REFRAIN:

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 117 —

PART 1 "I DO"

PART 2 "I DO"

PART 3 "I DO"

PART 2 "I DO"

ALL "I DO" UP IN THE—

(With the last note, the power goes out, the record winds down, and the stage is plunged into blackness.)

— 118 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

#31—I Do, I Do in the Sky (Part 2) (Company)

SUPERINTENDENT Here we go.

(The SUPERINTENDENT switches the power back on, the lights come on revealing the cast, and the music roars back.)

(Music begins) ALL AH… SKY!

(The MAN IN CHAIR quickly takes the needle off the record.)

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 119 —

#32—Finale Ultimo (Man In Chair, Company) MAN IN CHAIR Really. Well, goodbye.

(MAN IN CHAIR closes the door.)

Well that's it: it's ruined. One note away from the end of the show and the mood is broken.

(Pause) I should just start the record again from the beginning. No. I can't do that, can I? Oh, it's so frustrating. You have to understand, I love this show so much. And I've never even seen it. My mother gave me the record. This was just before my father left us. Oh, he didn't leave because of the record, although I'm sure it didn't help matters. Look, I know it's not a perfect show; the rabbit motif is labored. But none of that matters. It does what a musical is supposed to do: it takes you to another world. And it gives you a little tune to carry with in your head, you know? A little something for when you're feeling blue. You know?

(Music begins) (As the MAN IN CHAIR sings, the CAST slowly comes out of their positions and begins to interact with him for the first time in the show.)

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG ON LIFE'S FUNNY JOURNEY, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG INTO THE BLUE, WE LOOK HERE AND WE LOOK THERE,

— 120 —

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

(MAN IN CHAIR) SEEKING ANSWERS ANYWHERE, NEVER SURE OF WHERE TO TURN OR WHAT TO DO.

(The COMPANY begins to interact with the MAN IN CHAIR.) ROBERT I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN…

MAN IN CHAIR STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY

THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH,

BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT NOR RIGHT FROM WRONG.

JANET I DON'T WANNA SING TUNES NO MORE.

GEORGE

WEDDING BELLS WILL RING, WEDDING BELLS WILL TOTTENDALE CHIME. LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY…

ALDOLPHO

I AM ALDOLPHO!

KITTY SURPRISE!

DROWSY AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD

FELDZIEG & ALL GANGSTERS TOLEDO SURPRISE!

UNDERLING LOVELY…

T h e D r o w s y C h a p e r o n e SR .

— 121 —

DROWSY & MAN IN CHAIR WILL SING HIS SONG, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG.

ALL STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH,

TRIX

ALL

BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT OR RIGHT FROM WRONG.

AH!

ALL AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD WILL SING HIS SONG, AS WE STUMBLE ALONG! AS WE STUMBLE, BUMBLE, FUMBLE, TUMBLE… AS WE STUMBLE ALONG!

MAN IN CHAIR Goodbye, everybody!

(MAN IN CHAIR flies out on the plane.)