Issuu

Based on the music performed and recorded by

Britney Spears

Book by Jon Hartmere

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(Last Revised—August 2024)

Cinderella

Prince Charming

Stepmother

Narrator

Fairy Godmother (The O.F.G.)

Snow White

Belinda and Betany

Prince Erudite

Clumsy

Girl

Princesses:

Belle, Rapunzel, Esmerelda, Sleeping Beauty, Gretel, Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks, Princess and the Pea, Little Mermaid

Princes:

Prince Brawny, Prince Ebullient, Prince Mischievous, Prince Gregarious, Prince Suave, Prince Affable

ACT I

SCENE 1—OPENING

In darkness, a CHILD makes a timeless request—

GIRL

(V.O.)

Read me a story…

The SHADOW of an older woman asks—

FAIRY GODMOTHER

(off)

Which story?

At this, our NARRATOR appears, wearing a golden key around his neck. He cups his hands, reaching across time and space to whisper to the child—

NARRATOR

A fairy tale…

Lights up on the GIRL, holding an ornate tome.

“ONCE UPON A TIME…” is written large on the cover. “… HAPPY EVER AFTER” on the back.

GIRL

A fairy tale!

Pleased, the NARRATOR reaches into a pocket… then blows fairy dust to paint the night sky. A canvas of stars begins twinkling.

He turns toward a most fantastic orb, center stage. A quill sits inside, resting atop a bound scroll. Both inarguably magical…

A final glance around… then he raises the orb skyward.

As the GIRL opens the book, the quill lights up, and the NARRATOR springs into action.

NARRATOR

Ready all! The child is choosing! Anybody’s tale could be chosen tonight! Whose will it be???

At this, PRINCESSES appear, in shadow. Hands, gestures, pieces of iconic costumes. The GIRL flips the page. The quill pulses and the NARRATOR calls for—

#1—…One More Time

NARRATOR

Snow White!

SNOW WHITE steps forward, pitching her story to the child.

SNOW WHITE

OH BABY, BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT SOMETHING WASN’T RIGHT HERE?

Page flip! SLEEPING BEAUTY’s up!

Sleeping Beauty!

NARRATOR

SLEEPING BEAUTY

OH BABY, BABY, I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET YOU GO AND NOW YOU’RE OUT OF SIGHT YEAH

PRINCESSES begin moving toward the GIRL, auditioning for her, hoping to be chosen.

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY SHOW ME

SNOW & BEAUTY HOW YOU WANT ME CHOOSE ME

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY TELL ME BABY

SNOW & BEAUTY

‘CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW NOW,

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY OH BECAUSE

ALL PRINCESSES

MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME

GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, & BELLE

AND I

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY

I MUST CONFESS, I STILL BELIEVE

ALL PRINCESSES (EXCEPT SNOW & BEAUTY)

STILL BELIEVE!

SNOW, BEAUTY, & RAPUNZEL

IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL LOSE MY MIND!

ALL PRINCESSES

GIVE ME A SIGN!

PICK ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!

Page flip! The GIRL is still undecided. She flips to—

NARRATOR

Princess and the Pea, you’re up!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

OH BABY, BABY, THE REASON I SLEEP IS YOU PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME STRANDED

NARRATOR

Rapunzel!

RAPUNZEL

OH SAY ME BABY I’VE GOT SUCH A TOWERING NEED! I’M NOT SURE I CAN STAND IT!

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY

SHOW ME

SNOW, BEAUTY, & RAPUNZEL

HOW YOU WANT ME

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY

CHOOSE ME

TELL ME BABY

SNOW, BEAUTY, & RAPUNZEL

‘CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW NOW

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY OH BECAUSE

ALL PRINCESSES

MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME

GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, & BELLE AND I

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY I MUST CONFESS, I STILL BELIEVE

PEA, RAPUNZEL, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, & BELLE STILL BELIEVE!

SNOW, BEAUTY, LITTLE, GOLDILOCKS, & GRETEL IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL LOSE MY MIND!

ALL PRINCESSES

GIVE ME A SIGN!

PICK ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!

EVERYBODY leans in, breathless. But the GIRL is still undecided.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

(off)

Ok, sweetie, maybe it’s time to go to (bed)—

GIRL

NO! Cinderella!

FAIRY GODMOTHER (off)

Ah yes, Cinderella…

Lights up on a slipper. The quill pulses and CINDERELLA is slowly revealed… CINDERELLA

OH BABY, BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & RED OOH

CINDERELLA pauses before bending to retrieve her iconic slipper. Considering.

PEA, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, & LITTLE OOH

CINDERELLA, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & LITTLE RED

OH PRETTY BABY, CINDERELLA

I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET YOU GO

PEA, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, LITTLE, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & RED

HA AH

PEA, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, LITTLE, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & RED

AAH

CINDERELLA

I MUST CONFESS THAT MY LONELINESS IS KILLIN’ ME NOW, DON’T YOU KNOW I STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL BE HERE AND GIVE ME A SIGN PRINCE CHARMING enters with STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS. ONCE UPON A ONE MORE TIME!

CINDERELLA, STEPFAMILY, & PRINCESSES

I MUST CONFESS THAT MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME NOW DON’T YOU KNOW I STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL BE HERE AND GIVE ME A SIGN

Charming’s PRINCES join him, and the full glory of Cinderella’s castle is revealed.

CINDERELLA, STEPFAMILY, CHARMING, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, CLUMSY, & PRINCES

LET’S GET TO YES!

MY TALE’S THE BEST! IT’S THRILLING AND WOW

DON’T YOU KNOW YOU WON’T BELIEVE THE THINGS THAT YOU’LL HEAR

HERE IF YOU PICK MINE

ALL OTHERS

MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME (AND I!)

I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE (STILL BELIEVE!)

IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL LOSE MY MIND GIVE ME A SIGN

ALL

ONCE UPON A!

CINDERELLA, STEPMOTHER, SNOW, BEAUTY, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, BELLE, CHARMING, SUAVE, & CLUMSY

ONCE UPON A!

BETANY, BELINDA, PEA, LITTLE, RAPUNZEL, ERUDITE, AFFABLE, GREGARIOUS, MISCHIEVOUS, & BRAWNY

ONCE UPON A!

GIVE ME A SIGN!

ALL

ONCE UPON A ONE MORE TIME!

Jazz hands! Fan kicks! Razzle dazzle!

They’ve left it all on the floor. The NARRATOR looks to check. Have they done it???!

#1A—Happy Ever After

SFX: Snoring.

NARRATOR

And… she’s asleep! Child’s asleep! Well done, everybody. All characters are now released. Suddenly, it’s like a set being struck. We are now backstage in the world of fairy tales.

Thank you all, and happy ever after.

ALL

Happy ever after.

That’s the “aloha” of the kingdom.

SCENE 2—BACKSTAGE STORY LAND

PRINCE CHARMING sweeps through, trailed by STEPSISTERS and STEPMOTHER.

STEPMOTHER

There he is, girls. And Cinderella’s nowhere to be found. Belinda, Betany! Showtime. Like we practiced!

(instructions!)

Silly giggle. Hair flip. You’re hard to get! But easy to love. Eyes aflutter! Tums aflatter! GO She pushes them toward PRINCE CHARMING… who blows right on by them.

BELINDA

(to STEPMOTHER)

I thought that went well.

Same!

BETANY

STEPMOTHER

Ugh.

They exit as PRINCE CHARMING moves to CINDERELLA.

PRINCE CHARMING

Hi! How’s my favorite 8 1/2 narrow?

CINDERELLA

Oh hi! She is… thinking.

Thinking? Ugh. Why?

I was wondering—

How my biceps can be this big?

PRINCE CHARMING

CINDERELLA

PRINCE CHARMING

CINDERELLA

No. Well, sorta… but no, I just, I was thinking about us! And… would you ever want to come to Scroll Club?

PRINCE CHARMING

Scroll Club?

CINDERELLA

Yeah! The girls and I get together every waxing gibbous moon to talk about the stories in the Great Scroll.

(CINDERELLA points up to the Orb, containing the Great Scroll…) I thought if you and I did more things (together)

PRINCE CHARMING

Ha! Oh. You’re serious. I don’t “read.”

CINDERELLA

Really? As Prince, don’t you think you should— He puts his fingers over her lips.

PRINCE CHARMING

Shhh. Let me tell you how the world works. I’m not paid to think. Neither are you. You’re paid to be pretty, and I’m paid to be charming.

CINDERELLA

What do you mean, paid? I don’t get paid—

PRINCE CHARMING

You don’t? Per story? Huh.

CINDERELLA

… wait, do you get paid for this work—

PRINCE CHARMING

Shh. Maybe. It doesn’t matter. What matters is us. You. Me. Happy ever after. (seeing her frown)

Hey, smile! There. You’re so much prettier when you smile… CINDERELLA sits in her smile.

CINDERELLA

… do you ever feel like something’s… missing? In our story? It’s just… never mind. I’m being so silly!

PRINCE CHARMING

No, what’s up?

CINDERELLA

Really? I guess I’ve been feeling weirdly… flat, lately? And you don’t have to fix it— just having somebody to listen—

PRINCE CHARMING

I know what it is. What you’re missing.

CINDERELLA

… you do?

PRINCE CHARMING

A baby.

#2—Make Me

What?

CINDERELLA

PRINCE CHARMING

A baby. Like a small human? Storks bring them?

CINDERELLA

I know what a baby is—

PRINCE CHARMING

Great. Let’s do this! (He snaps his fingers. A candlelit table appears. Mood lighting.) CIN?

CINDERELLA

… yes?

PRINCE CHARMING

BEEN DREAMIN’ A MILE A MINUTE ‘BOUT THIS, PRINCESS THIS FEELIN’ I WANNA GO WITH IT LET’S BEGIN THIS AND KISS TILL A BIRDIE BRINGS A CHILD A CHARMING CHILD

CINDERELLA

So actually, I’m not sure that’s—

PRINCE CHARMING JUST WANT YOU TO MAKE ME MOVE, LIKE IT AIN’T A CHOICE FOR YOU, LIKE YOU GOT A JOB TO DO. JUST WANT YOU TO RAISE MY ROOF, A band of PRINCES appears, to serenade CINDERELLA.

PRINCE CHARMING

SOMETHING SENSATIONAL, AND MAKE ME OOOH…

But see the thing is—

PRINCES

SOMETHING SENSATIONAL, –SATIONAL AND MAKE ME OOOH…

CINDERELLA

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH OH BABY ‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE FLAME I CAN’T DO WITHOUT MY HEART’S ON FIRE WHEN YOU’RE AROUND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

PRINCES (spoken)

YEAH, CHARMING.

PRINCE CHARMING (spoken)

I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE DRESSED TO CLEAN OR IN A BALL GOWN PRINCESS OR PEASANT FROM A SMALL TOWN SAID I’M READY TO GIVE YOU MY ALL NOW

(PRINCE CHARMING)

WE BOTH KNOW HOW THE STORY GOES YOU SHOW UP AT MY CASTLE IN YOUR PUMPKIN, WILLIN’ I SPIN YOU AROUND LIKE YOU’RE RUMPELSTILTSKIN WIN YOUR HEART WHILE I’M BUMPIN’ OFF VILLAINS

TAKE YOUR BROOM, SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET SLIDE ‘EM IN SLIPPERS, NOW BOOM, YOU’RE ELITE TOGETHER FOREVER, THE MINUTE WE MEET YOU MAKE ME YOUR PRINCE AND I MAKE YOU COMPLETE!

ONCE UPON A TIME WENT AND MADE YOU MINE WELL WORTH THE HUNT FOR YOU IT’S A CHARMING GESTURE, YEAH, I KNOW MIGHT FORGET A FACE BUT I REMEMBER TOES

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES HEY!

PRINCE CHARMING

CIN, I NEED YOU, AND I CAN SAVE YOU OVER AND OVER, I’M ABLE TO RESCUE YOU FROM YOUR STABLE, SO LET’S GO, YEAH

SAID I NEED YOU, AND I CAN SAVE YOU I’LL SLAY THE DRAGON IN YOUR FABLE SO FOLLOW ME TO MY GABLE

PRINCES AND MAKE ME

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

CINDERELLA

But that isn’t—

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

CINDERELLA (shouting)

That’s not part of our story!

(The song stops abruptly.)

(CINDERELLA)

Nowhere in our story do we oooh, or get a baby, from a stork. We just… get married and live happy ever after.

#2A—Make Me (Playoff)

PRINCE CHARMING (dry)

Oh, is that all? Isn’t that the dream, Cin?

NARRATOR (entering)

While we’ve got a break between children—notes. (checking)

Charming, none. What can I say? I was charmed.

PRINCE CHARMING

Bibbidi Bobbidi Boom.

NARRATOR turns to CINDERELLA, fingers steepled. PRINCE CHARMING takes his cue to leave.

NARRATOR

Cinderella. Is everything all right, dear?

CINDERELLA

… yes? Never better! Why?

NARRATOR

Well, you were late, picking up the slipper.

CINDERELLA

Was I?

NARRATOR

Yes. Cinderella. I’ve been doing this a long time. And believe me, if I change so much as an intonation, the children go full Rumpelstiltskin. They object, loudly. They want things the same, every time. Don’t overthink it.

(off CINDERELLA’s frown)

Oh and don’t furrow your brow! We want you delivering lines, not wearing them. There. Better.

(exiting)

Happy ever after.

CINDERELLA

Happy ever… Real quick though, this is happy ever after— right?

CHARACTERS turn, astonished. CINDERELLA has said the unthinkable.

NARRATOR

Of course this is— Clear the room, please! EVERYBODY vanishes. NARRATOR turns to CINDERELLA for an explanation.

CINDERELLA

Sorry… it’s just, I mean, I get the glass slippers, which are stunning, if a bit nonbreathable, and the dress, which is GORGEOUS, if again, a bit non-breathable, and I win the prince—Charming!—he’s wonderful, we marry, and it’s happy ever after… So why do I feel so… lonely? Does this make any sense?

NARRATOR

It does not.

CINDERELLA

Ok. Sorry. It’s obviously me. Thank you for—

NARRATOR

Good talk. He’s gone.

CINDERELLA

Listening.

SCENE 3—SNOW WHITE’S COTTAGE

PRINCESS AND THE PEA, SLEEPING BEAUTY, RAPUNZEL, and LITTLE MERMAID are snacking, seated on miniature chairs.

SNOW WHITE enters and sets down a crumble that nobody touches.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Snow, you have no full-size furniture? At least when Goldilocks hosts we have options… You look well-rested, Sleeping Beauty, must be nice! P.S., tiara? To Scroll Club?

SLEEPING BEAUTY

I like wearing my tiara. Just like you like wearing that frown. And a pretty basic bustle.

SNOW WHITE

(moving right along!)

Ok! I thought we’d read a bit of Little Mermaid’s tale out loud, to get things going. The PRINCESSES unroll scrolls. It’s… a process.

RAPUNZEL

Her story’s in the middle right?

Searching, searching…

SNOW WHITE

Medium middle. Well, medium center middle.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

People, it’s more lower secondary center middle than medium center middle.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

There has got to be a better way… CINDERELLA rushes in, carrying a plate.

CINDERELLA

Sorry!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Don’t be, but would it kill you to bring a warm hors d’oeuvre? It’s not like you don’t have the money.

SNOW WHITE

We’re fine— I made my famous Apple Crumble! Why’s nobody eating?

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Snow, sweetie, where’d you get the apples? For the crumble?

SNOW WHITE

Oh this delightful old woman was selling—

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Clumsy? You have to watch her.

CLUMSY, a dwarf, hurries in.

I’m trying!

CLUMSY

He takes the poisonous dessert and begins stacking their plates, waiter style.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Oh, I’m not sure if that’s such a great idea!

CLUMSY

Why?

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Because… (hearing him fall) that.

RAPUNZEL

We should start. I gotta braid this before my story’s read and obviously that’s my whole day.

SNOW WHITE

Little? It’s your tale. You wanna kick us off?

LITTLE MERMAID points to her throat.

She can’t speak.

RAPUNZEL

Oh, right! I forgot!

SNOW WHITE

RAPUNZEL

But… we’ve read her story, like, a million times. You know her

SNOW WHITE

I’m the fairest. I never claimed to be the smartest.

CINDERELLA is staring into space.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Where are you today, Cin? You’re like in another kingdom.

CINDERELLA

I… It’s nothing, honestly. Not gonna complain.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Good, ‘cause I mean, you got it pretty easy storywise. You get locked in a room and then you almost miss a party.

CINDERELLA

Ok, I don’t just “almost miss a party.” My stepmother abuses me.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Snow’s stepmother sends a huntsman to bring back her lungs and liver. So she can eat them.

SNOW WHITE shrugs, smiles. Winner.

LITTLE MERMAID signs.

CINDERELLA

No, enough about me. We’re supposed to be talking about your story, Little!

RAPUNZEL

Can we talk about the trade she makes with the Sea Witch? So it’s her voice, and her tongue—

SLEEPING BEAUTY

For legs!

Sounds fair.

SNOW WHITE

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Exactly. I mean, who are we without our princes?!?

Full-throated agreement from the other PRINCESSES. They are nothing without them.

CINDERELLA

… but it’s her voice. There’s nothing else you could trade?

SLEEPING BEAUTY

(translating)

My voice is all I have.

CINDERELLA

Which is exactly why you shouldn’t trade it! I just… Ok. You save a prince’s life.

(off LITTLE MERMAID’s nod)

When he wakes, he sees another princess, and thinks she saved him.

(LITTLE MERMAID nods, “yep, frustrating!”)

So he marries her. Then you’re given the choice to either kill him or be killed.

(”Yup, what are you gonna do?”)

So you decide to give up your own life?

(LITTLE MERMAID taps her nose. Bingo.)

Even though you’ve never spoken to this man because you traded your voice for legs.

SNOW WHITE

Yes! What has gotten into you, Cin?

CINDERELLA

I don’t know. I mean…

… is that, is this, is any of it… definitely happy ever after?

#3—Lucky

(off their shock)

You’ve never wondered that?

(CINDERELLA)

(Over the top protestation. No way!)

Ok. Sorry. Nevermind. It’s just… (then)

Sometimes I do think gosh, maybe I’d like to, I dunno, wear a dress that I picked out to the party, or stay out past midnight, or…

Lights on each PRINCESS as she finishes CINDERELLA’s forbidden thought…

Not get poisoned…

(touching her braid)

Rock my natural curls…

SNOW WHITE

RAPUNZEL

Sleep through the night…

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Have a drama-free christening…

SLEEPING BEAUTY

LITTLE MERMAID

(MIMED)

Speak…

But maybe it’s just me…?

CINDERELLA

EV’RY MORNING, SHE WAKES UP.

RAPUNZEL

YANK, YANK, YANK ON HER HAIR

SLEEPING BEAUTY

IT’S TIME FOR MAKEUP,

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

PERFECT SMILE.

SNOW WHITE

ALWAYS FAIREST OF THE FAIR THEY GO,

PRINCESSES

“ISN’T SHE LOVELY, THIS FAIRY TALE GIRL?”

SNOW & BEAUTY AND THEY SAY,

PRINCESSES

“SHE’S SO LUCKY, SHE’S A STAR.” BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART, THINKIN’, IF THERE’S NOTHIN’ MISSING IN MY LIFE, THEN WHY DO THESE TEARS COME AT NIGHT?

CINDERELLA

LOST IN AN IMAGE,

SLEEPING BEAUTY IMAGE

PEA & RAPUNZEL IN A DREAM,

SNOW & MERMAID (MIMED)

BUT THERE’S NO ONE THERE TO WAKE HER UP.

CIN, SNOW, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, & LITTLE AND THE WORLD KEEPS SPINNIN’

PRINCESSES AND SHE KEEPS ON WINNIN’

CINDERELLA

BUT TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENS IF IT STOPS?

RAPUNZEL

THEY GO,

PRINCESSES

“ISN’T SHE LOVELY, THIS FAIRY TALE GIRL?” AND THEY SAY, “SHE’S SO LUCKY, SHE’S A STAR.” BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART, THINKIN’, IF THERE’S NOTHIN’ MISSING IN MY LIFE, THEN WHY DO THESE TEARS COME AT NIGHT?

We enter a memory—Cinderella’s wedding. PRINCES appear as PRINCE CHARMING’s groomsmen.

ERUDITE, SUAVE, & AFFABLE

AY, AY, UH-OH-YEAH!

GREGARIOUS, MISCHIEVOUS, & BRAWNY OH OH!

OH OH! OH OH!

NARRATOR

And so it was that Cinderella and her Prince Charming were married, their union sealed with true love’s kiss.

PRINCE CHARMING kisses CINDERELLA, to applause!

PRINCE CHARMING

“ISN’T SHE LUCKY, THIS FAIRY TALE GIRL?”

PRINCE CHARMING riffs and the PRINCES sing backup for the PRINCESSES:

PRINCESSES

SHE IS SO LUCKY, BUT WHY DOES SHE CRY? IF THERE IS NOTHIN’ MISSING IN HER LIFE, WHY DO TEARS COME AT NIGHT? AND THEY SAY, “SHE’S SO LUCKY, SHE’S A STAR.” BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART, THINKIN’, IF THERE’S NOTHIN’ MISSIN’ IN MY LIFE, THEN WHY DO THESE TEARS COME AT NIGHT?

Silence as the dream ends. Just as the PRINCESSES are about to speak, they hear over an intercom—

NARRATOR

(off)

Snow White, to the Huntsman scene!

And the opportunity is lost.

SNOW WHITE

Ugh. I hate doing that scene. Sorry, ladies.

All PRINCESSES start gathering their things.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Great seeing you, Snow. Thanks for hosting.

The PRINCESSES exit. SNOW WHITE stops CINDERELLA.

SNOW WHITE

Hey, you seem “stuck.” Doc gives me pills for when I get like that. Want me to— (off CINDERELLA’s “no”)

Ok, well… here. I made this. Maybe keep it, to remind you?

SNOW WHITE hands CINDERELLA a needlepoint.

CINDERELLA

“Happy ever after.” That’s not how you spell “after.” Or “ever.” Or “happy.”

SNOW WHITE

Huh. I guess neither of us knows what happy ever after’s supposed to look like… (then, chipper)

All right, I gotta go get chased through the woods by a terrifying man in pitch blackness!

SNOW WHITE exits, leaving CINDERELLA alone on a forest path.

#3A—OFG Magic

CINDERELLA

Once upon a time… once upon a time there was a girl who wanted… (then)

… more?

Poof! A book appears. But CINDERELLA has no idea what it is.

What’s this?!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

(appearing)

It’s called a book! It’s like a scroll but— CINDERELLA screams as an unfamiliar woman (O.F.G.) materializes.

CINDERELLA

Who are you?!

Fairy Godmother.

Not mine!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

We can’t turn the intercom off! How will I know if the Narrator’s looking for me?

FAIRY GODMOTHER

CINDERELLA

And a woman wrote this. You’re not pulling my slipper.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Sweetie… women do write.

(O.F.G. waves her wand, creating a fairy tale slide show. First up—a wood carving of Margaret Atwood.)

And they influence…

A portrait of an elven Oprah.

Ooh. She looks powerful.

CINDERELLA

FAIRY GODMOTHER

She is. Fun fact: loves sliced bread. (then)

And they agitate.

A suffragette raises a fist.

What’s she doing?

CINDERELLA

Striking. For the right to vote!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

CINDERELLA

Women can strike? Women can VOTE?!? Oh my goodness, where is this place?! This “Flat Bush”?

FAIRY GODMOTHER

It’s in a land called America.

CINDERELLA

America… sounds like paradise for women!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Erm…

Can you take me there?

CINDERELLA

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Well, right now’s a tough time to immigrate—

NARRATOR (off)

Cinderella, report to the work scene.

CINDERELLA

Ugh. I know, as a woman, I’m supposed to love housework, but…

FAIRY GODMOTHER

No. You aren’t! Chapter 2 deconstructs that! Take the book with you. But you can’t show it to anybody! Princess Betty’s ideas… they’re often considered dangerous when first presented.

CINDERELLA

Dangerous?

NARRATOR (off)

Cinderella!

(into intercom)

Coming!

CINDERELLA hurries off to—

CINDERELLA

#4—Work Bitch

NARRATOR (off)

Ok! Scene 8, Cinderella is Left Behind. From “You? Go to the ball?” Here we go!

CINDERELLA enters, hiding her book in her apron as the scene begins.

BETANY

You?! Go to the ball!

BELINDA (baffled) YOU WANNA…

BETANY

Did you hear her, Belinda??! Cinderella wants to go to the ball.

BELINDA (“seriously?”) YOU WANNA…

BETANY (then)

With us. The beat drops and the STEPSISTERS go on the offensive.

BETANY

YOU WANT THE PRETTY DRESSES YOU WANNA MAKE THE MESSES YOU WANNA HEAR THE ‘YESSES’ YOU BETTER WORK BITCH

BELINDA

YOU WANT A POSH CARRIAGE YOU WANT A HOT MARRIAGE YOU WANNA ROCK RICH

(BELINDA)

YOU BETTER WORK BITCH

BELINDA & BETANY

YOU WANNA LIVE FANCY LIVE IN A BIG MANSION PARTY IN FRANCE? YOU BETTER WORK BITCH YOU BETTER WORK BITCH YOU BETTER WORK BITCH YOU BETTER WORK BITCH NOW GET TO WORK BITCH!

They skip by CINDERELLA and dump piles of laundry on her.

BETANY

Sorry about your mom.

BELINDA

You smell like pumpkin.

BETANY

BRING IT ON, RING THE ALARM DON’T STOP NOW JUST BE THE CHAMPION!

BELINDA

WORK IT HARD LIKE IT’S YOUR PROFESSION

STEPMOTHER

(off)

Cinderella!

BETANY

WATCH OUT NOW ‘CAUSE HERE COMES MOM…

BELINDA

HERE COMES THE SMASHER HERE COMES THE MASTER HERE COMES THE BIG BEAT BIG BEAT TO BLAST YA NO TIME TO QUIT NOW JUST TIME TO GET IT NOW PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN

(BELINDA)

PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN

BETANY & BELINDA

STEPMOTHER blows in. Look out.

STEPMOTHER

GO CALL YOUR STUPID MICE!

GO CALL YOUR GODMOTHER! I BRING THE TROUBLE! THAT MEANS THE TROUBLE, Y’ALL I MAKE YOU STEP IT UP CALL ME THE STEPMOTHER!

I AM THE BAD BITCH THE BITCH THAT YOU’LL NEVER LOVE

CINDERELLA finally finds herself alone and able to open the book, which lights her face as she reads…

OTHER PRINCESSES sing as MICE here, while PRINCE ERUDITE and OTHER PRINCES sing as BIRDS.

CINDERELLA

HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH

CINDERELLA & MICE

HIGH UP TO THE SKY

CINDERELLA

OH THEY’LL TRY TO TRY YA BUT THEY CAN’T DENY YA

CINDERELLA & MICE

KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND HIGHER KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND HIGHER

MICE, BIRDS, & CINDERELLA SO HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH

HIGH UP TO THE SKY NOW THEY DON’T BELIEVE YOU BUT THEY’RE GONNA NEED YOU KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND

BETANY & BELINDA

HERE COMES THE SMASHER HERE COMES THE MASTER HERE COMES THE BIG BEAT BIG BEAT TO BLAST YA NO TIME

(MICE, BIRDS, & CINDERELLA) HIGHER

KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND HIGHER AND HIGHER

(BETANY & BELINDA) TO QUIT YA JUST TIME TO GET IT NOW

PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN

STEPMOTHER notices the book and snatches it from CINDERELLA.

What is this??!

STEPMOTHER

BELINDA

It’s a big piece of toast.

No, it’s got writing in it…

BETANY

STEPMOTHER

How do you know what writing is?!?

BETANY

I’m sorry— I didn’t mean to— please love me—

STEPMOTHER (opening the book)

What on… are these scrolls numbered? This is witchcraft!

CINDERELLA

No, it’s actually all about female empowerment—

STEPMOTHER

So I’m right, this IS witchcraft. I’ll keep it.

CINDERELLA

No, please, I think that book, it might be the key to my happy ever after—

STEPMOTHER

All the more reason then.

Oh but can’t I just—

CINDERELLA

No! You can get back to work!

BETANY & BELINDA WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!

BELINDA (BETANY)

WORK IT OUT! (WORK!)

WORK IT OUT! (WORK!) WORK IT OUT! (WORK!) WORK IT OUT! (WORK!)

STEPMOTHER

CINDERELLA

HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGHER!

STEPMOTHER

COME ON!

WORK IT OUT!

CINDERELLA

HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH!

STEPMOTHER WORK IT OUT!

WORK IT OUT!

BETANY & BELINDA WORK IT OUT!

STEPMOTHER NOW GET TO WORK BITCH!

The STEPFAMILY exit, cackling.

#4A—To Snow’s Cottage

SCENE 5—SNOW WHITE’S COTTAGE

CINDERELLA is standing in Snow White’s cottage as SNOW WHITE enters, holding a basket of apples.

SNOW WHITE

See you tomorrow, delightful old woman! (noticing CINDERELLA)

Cin! What are you doing here? Isn’t your story being read?!?

CINDERELLA

I’ve gone ROGUE! You’ve heard of O.F.G., right?

SNOW WHITE

Notorious O.F.G.?!

CINDERELLA

YES. Snow— I met her!

SNOW WHITE

WHAT?! How? But she was banished!

CINDERELLA

I know! But after Scroll Club, I asked for “more,” and poof, SHE SHOWED UP! And she gave me this… scroll, except it’s called a book, it’s cut up, it’s numbered, there’s this thing called a table of contents, and—WAIT FOR IT—the whole thing’s written by a WOMAN—

SNOW WHITE (horrified)

Witchcraft!

CINDERELLA

No, Snow. The woman’s not a witch—she’s a WRITER. (then)

Her book is MINDBLOWING and it is 100% going to change the way you look at quite literally EVERYTHING!

SNOW WHITE

Oh my goodness, where is it?!?

CINDERELLA

Well, that’s the thing— my Stepmother stole it, so we gotta get it back! I need your help! Let’s go!

SNOW WHITE

Ok! Oh— but not today. I’m seeing my prince.

CINDERELLA

What? No, Snow. This is way more important!

SNOW WHITE

Than true love? From a prince?

CINDERELLA

True love. True love between you and…

SNOW WHITE

The Prince!

CINDERELLA

Right but Prince… (off SNOW WHITE’s silence)

You don’t even know his name!

SNOW WHITE

Of course I do. It’s… Faithful!

CINDERELLA

Snow we’ve read your story in Scroll Club a million times. Your prince is never named.

SNOW WHITE

Well, that’s what I call him, so—

NARRATOR (off)

Snow White?

(SNOW WHITE waves to CINDERELLA, what do I do?!? CINDERELLA points, answer it! Then changes her mind. Don’t!)

Snow White!

SNOW WHITE panics, answers!

SNOW WHITE

(into intercom)

… yes?

NARRATOR (off)

Do you know where Cinderella is?

(into intercom)

… no? No.

SNOW WHITE

NARRATOR (off)

Well if you see her, please tell her she’s due at the palace and that if she misses her entrance, I may have no choice but to replace her. Happy ever after isn’t a birthright, it’s a privilege, and it can be taken away.

SNOW WHITE

(into intercom)

Got it!

(SNOW WHITE hangs up, shaken.)

I can’t believe I just did that! I lied to the Narrator!

CINDERELLA

I think he’s been lying to us all these years! Come with me. To the Palace. My stepmother will be there, we can get the book back!

SNOW WHITE

I can’t enter your story WHILE it’s being read! We could both get banished!

CINDERELLA

He says that to keep us in line.

SNOW WHITE

He banished O.F.G.!

CINDERELLA

Then we’re probably doing something right. (then)

Let’s go!

And they’re off. Music to “Boys” begins as we transition to—

NARRATOR

(off)

Ok, ready to rehearse the ball scene, let’s take it from right before the Stepsisters’ entrance, lots of energy, here we go!

SCENE 6—THE CASTLE

Lights on the PRINCES, flirting with the PRINCESSES.

#5—Boys / Pretty Girls

PRINCE SUAVE (spoken)

FOR WHATEVER REASON, I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN WANTING YOU ALL MY LIFE.

PRINCE

BRAWNY (spoken)

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND?

PRINCE MISCHIEVOUS (spoken)

I’M SO GLAD WE’RE IN THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME.

PRINCE AFFABLE (spoken)

IT’S OVER NOW…

PRINCES

BOYS! SOMETIMES A GIRL JUST NEEDS ONE. BOYS! TO LOVE HER AND TO HOLD. BOYS! AND WHEN A GIRL IS WITH ONE. BOYS! THEN HE’S IN CONTROL.

BETANY & BELINDA (bursting in)

ALL AROUND THE WORLD, PRETTY GIRLS! WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ALL THE BOYS! POUR THE DRINKS! BRING THE NOISE! WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!

ALL AROUND THE WORLD, PRETTY GIRLS! JUMP THE LINE TO THE FRONT DO WHAT WE LIKE, GET WHAT WE WANT WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!

BETANY

HEY DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME? EV’RY KINGDOM BE PLAYING THE GAME

BELINDA & BETANY

YOU CAN BETCHA WHEREVER WE GIRLS GO BOYS FOLLOW

BETANY

WE BE KEEPIN’ THEM UP ON THEIR TOES

BELINDA

THEY CAN LAUGH BUT THEY WON’T GET THE JOKES!

BETANY

JUST YOU WATCH THEY’RE SO PREDICTABLE

BELINDA & BETANY

SOME THINGS DON’T CHANGE

BETANY

PRINCESS ROLL UP!

PRINCES BACK DOWN

PRINCES

BELINDA EYES ON US!

PRINCES

JAWS ON THE GROUND

BETANY

WATCH US GO, IT’S JUST SO FUNNY

BELINDA & BETANY LIKE BEES TO THE HONEY!

BELINDA & BETANY

ALL AROUND THE WORLD… PRETTY GIRLS

WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ALL THE BOYS POUR THE DRINKS

BRING THE NOISE

PRINCES & PRINCESSES

BOYS!/GIRLS! SOMETIMES A GIRL/BOY JUST NEEDS ONE.

BOYS!/GIRLS! TO LOVE HER/HIM AND TO HOLD.

BOYS!/GIRLS!

(BELINDA & BETANY)

WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!

ALL AROUND THE WORLD

PRETTY GIRLS

JUMP THE LINE TO THE FRONT

DO WHAT WE LIKE GET WHAT WE WANT

(PRINCES & PRINCESSES)

AND WHEN A GIRL/BOY IS WITH ONE.

BOYS!/GIRLS!

THEN HE/SHE IS IN CONTROL

BELINDA & BETANY

WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!

Huge finish. Fan kicks, a split, a demand to be seen, and loved.

NARRATOR

(entering)

Pause for child potty break! That’s a potty pause everybody! Let’s use this time wisely. (to the STEPSISTERS)

Girls. Less is more. (to BETANY)

MUCH less, Belinda.

(horrified)

It’s Betany, bitch.

CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE arrive at the other end of the hall in hooded capes.

SNOW WHITE

Are you kidding me right now with this party?!? Check out this palace! Are those CANDLE BRAS?!?

Candelabras, yup.

CINDERELLA

SNOW WHITE

AWWW, LOOK at that cute pig with an apple in his mouth! Is he friendly?

CINDERELLA

He’s dinner.

(scanning the room)

Okay so we gotta find my Stepmother…

SNOW

WHITE

Yes, right!

(noticing CINDERELLA)

Your Highness! You’re early!

(re: SNOW WHITE)

And who is this lovely creature?

PRINCE ERUDITE

CINDERELLA

This is my… lady-in-waiting.

(SNOW WHITE drops into a curtsy she can’t get out of. CINDERELLA helps her up.)

She’s in training.

A lady-in-waiting-in-training?

PRINCE ERUDITE

CINDERELLA

Yup. (to SNOW WHITE)

This is Prince Erudite.

SNOW WHITE

Oh!

CINDERELLA

The Celibate.

(not understanding)

Oh ho!

(then)

I’m Snow.

What an unusual name! Snow…

SNOW WHITE

PRINCE ERUDITE

SNOW

WHITE Whi— (off CINDERELLA’s elbow)

… tenstein. Von… Hoofle Poofle.

PRINCE ERUDITE

Aren’t you charming.

No, I’m Snow. I just said that.

SNOW WHITE

PRINCE ERUDITE

… speaking of Charming, wait till you see him in his new epaulettes. So hot. (quickly)

In here! It is very hot. Because: so many hot girls! In tight corsets! Ah, I love girls!

CINDERELLA

(”ok…”)

I’m going to go find— She turns and runs into her surprised STEPMOTHER.

STEPMOTHER

What are you doing here? You don’t ruin all my hopes and dreams for another ten minutes.

CINDERELLA

I want that book back. It’s mine.

STEPMOTHER

A “book”, is that what it’s called? Noted. And no. She hands the volume to BELINDA.

BELINDA

(exiting, thrilled)

The toast! Mom!

STEPMOTHER

(watching BELINDA go)

Should I have educated her? Motherhood is such a series of difficult decisions… (back to CINDERELLA)

NARRATOR

(blushing)

None of us age.

STEPMOTHER

I know, but still. To be so once upon a timeless! “Who’s the fairest?” I think it’s an open question…

NARRATOR

What was my, um, idea, for their (entrance)—

(The quill begins pulsing.)

We have a reader! Ok! From Charming’s entrance, ladies, give me shock and awe! The Prince has ENTERED THE BUILDING!

Trumpets sound. Charming? Is here. And his entrance is INSANE.

PRINCE CHARMING

THERE’S ONLY TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD: THE ONES THAT ENTERTAIN AND THE ONES THAT OBSERVE. OH BABY, I NEED A PUT-ON-A-SHOW KINDA GIRL. A GIRL WHO CHARMS ME, WHO PUTS ME FIRST.

PRINCE CHARMING

I’M LIKE THE RINGLEADER, I CALL THE SHOTS.

PRINCES

OH, OH

PRINCES

HE CALLS THE SHOTS!

PRINCE CHARMING

I NEED A FIRECRACKER

PRINCES & PRINCESSES Fire!

PRINCE CHARMING

TO MAKE IT HOT, SO C’MON PUT ON A SHOW.

PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCES, PRINCESSES, BETANY, & BELINDA

I FEEL THE ADRENALINE MOVIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS, SPOTLIGHT ON ME AND I’M READY TO BREAK.

I’M LIKE A PERFORMER THE DANCE FLOOR IS MY STAGE. YOU BET I’M READY, HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME.

PRINCE CHARMING

ALL EYES ON ME IN THE CENTER OF THE RING JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

WHEN I CRACK MY WHIP, EV’RYBODY GON’ TRIP JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

TWO PRINCES

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES

CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, OTHER PRINCES & OTHER PRINCESSES

AH-HA!

DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO. ALL MY LADIES LET GO.

C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR

PRINCE CHARMING & TWO PRINCES

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, OTHER PRINCES, & OTHER PRINCESSES

AH-HA!

PRINCE CHARMING

THERE’S ONLY TWO TYPES OF GUYS OUT THERE: THE ONES THAT CAN HANG WITH ME AND THE ONES THAT ARE SCARED SO BABY I HOPE THAT YOU CAME PREPARED I RUN A TIGHT SHIP

PRINCES & PRINCESSES

Tight!

PRINCE CHARMING SO BEWARE

I’M LIKE THE RINGLEADER, I CALL THE SHOTS.

PRINCES & PRINCESSES HE CALLS THE SHOTS!

PRINCE CHARMING I NEED A FIRECRACKER

PRINCES & PRINCESSES

PRINCES

Fire!

PRINCE CHARMING

TO MAKE IT HOT, SO C’MON PUT ON A SHOW.

PRINCE CHARMING, CLUMSY, OTHER PRINCES, PUN, BEAUTY, & OTHER PRINCESSES

I FEEL THE ADRENALINE

MOVIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS, SPOTLIGHT ON ME AND I’M READY TO BREAK.

I’M LIKE A PERFORMER THE DANCE FLOOR IS MY STAGE.

PRINCE CHARMING, PUN, BEAUTY, & TWO PRINCESSES

YOU BET I’M READY, HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME.

PEA, MERMAID, & OTHER PRINCESSES

MOVIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS, SPOTLIGHT ON ME AND I’M READY TO BREAK!

FLOOR IS MY STAGE.

CLUMSY & OTHER PRINCES

HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME.

PRINCE CHARMING

ALL EYES ON ME IN THE CENTER OF THE RING JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

WHEN I CRACK MY WHIP, EV’RYBODY GON’ TRIP JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.

ALL MY LADIES LET GO, C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR

PRINCE CHARMING & TWO PRINCES

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS

Let’s go!

CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, & OTHER PRINCES

PEA, MERMAID, & OTHER PRINCESSES

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.

ALL MY LADIES LET GO, C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR

CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, & OTHER PRINCES

AH-HA!

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES

OH OH OH OH AH-HA!

OH AH-HA! SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.

(PEA, MERMAID, & OTHER PRINCESSES)

OH OH OH OH OH

RAPUNZEL, SLEEPING BEAUTY, & PRINCESS AND THE PEA

OOH LIKE A CIRCUS

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES

Lemme see what you can do!

RAPUNZEL, SLEEPING BEAUTY, & PRINCESS AND THE PEA

AH AH AH I’M READY NOW…

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES

LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE A CIRCUS

PRINCESSES

AH AH AH LIKE A WHAT?

PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCES, & PRINCESSES

LIKE A CIRCUS.

ALL EYES ON ME IN THE CENTER OF THE RING JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. WHEN I CRACK MY WHIP, EV’RYBODY GON’ TRIP JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES

ALL MY LADIES LET GO, C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

PRINCE CHARMING

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. COME JOIN MY CIRCUS!

PRINCES JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

COME JOIN MY CIRCUS!

BEAUTY, MERMAID, & PUN (JUST) LIKE A CIRCUS! (JUST) LIKE A CIRCUS!

CIRCUS!

PEA & OTHER PRINCESSES OH OH CIRCUS!

As the song finishes, CINDERELLA rushes up and takes The Feminine Mystique from BELINDA.

HEY! That thief stole my toast!

BETANY unhoods CINDERELLA. Gasps!

NARRATOR

Cinderella, what are you doing?!? Get over here! You’re being read! First dance with Charming, hurry!

PRINCE CHARMING is in ready position. He holds out a hand, and CINDERELLA rushes to her mark. Downbeat!

PRINCE

CHARMING

Hello? Hello!

(music begins)

Do you believe in love at first sight? First and last, because I think I may have just been blinded by your beauty…

BELINDA

STEPMOTHER

(hissing to CINDERELLA)

Reject the prince!

STEPMOTHER moves out of the scene to stand with the NARRATOR.

CINDERELLA

(terrible acting)

YOU TELL ME YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH ME

What is she doing?

NARRATOR

CINDERELLA

THAT YOU CAN’T TAKE YOUR PRETTY EYES AWAY FROM ME

NARRATOR

What is HAPPENING?!?

CINDERELLA (softening)

IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T WANT TO STAY

PRINCE CHARMING

BUT EVERY TIME I COME TOO CLOSE YOU MOVE AWAY

CINDERELLA (falling)

Ugh, your eyes…

NARRATOR

Okay, we’re back!

STEPMOTHER sighs, foiled again. She follows the NARRATOR off…

CINDERELLA

I WANT TO BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING THAT YOU SAY ‘CAUSE IT SOUNDS SO GOOD…

BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT ME, MOVE SLOW

(CINDERELLA)

THERE’S THINGS ABOUT ME YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW SOMETIMES I RUN,

PRINCE CHARMING

SOMETIMES

CINDERELLA

SOMETIMES I HIDE SOMETIMES I’M SCARED OF YOU

PRINCE CHARMING

MMM BUT ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIGHT TREAT YOU RIGHT, BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT

ALL

(BUT BETANY & THREE PRINCESSES)

ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIGHT TREAT YOU RIGHT, BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT BABY ALL YOU NEED IS TIME

BETANY & THREE PRINCESSES ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIGHT

BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT

PRINCE CHARMING

JUST HANG AROUND AND YOU’LL SEE

CINDERELLA

THERE’S NOWHERE I’D RATHER BE!

PRINCE CHARMING

IF YOU LOVE ME, TRUST IN ME THE WAY THAT I TRUST IN YOU

SNOW WHITE

Faithful?!

SNOW WHITE has returned, with PRINCE ERUDITE.

Uh… who?

You know each other?

PRINCE CHARMING

CINDERELLA

I don’t think (so)—

PRINCE CHARMING

SNOW WHITE

This is my prince!

CINDERELLA

Charming?

SNOW WHITE Is Faithful!

BELINDA & BETANY

Or… isn’t!

You’re cheating on me?

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

What? No! Define “cheating”…

PRINCE CHARMING

SNOW WHITE

But… it’s true love! It says so! Your kiss wakes me!

PRINCE CHARMING

Ok. My kiss has woken a lot of women. I’m not bragging. And I’m not proud. (beat)

Ok, I’m a little bit proud.

(arms around CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE)

Look. Princes are—we’re just different! We don’t sit around pining after “true love.” We’re not written that way.

CINDERELLA

That’s all you have to say for yourself?

PRINCE CHARMING

Oops?

Music begins. PRINCE CHARMING winks to us. You knew it was coming.

(PRINCE CHARMING)

I THINK I DID IT AGAIN I MADE YOU BELIEVE WE’RE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS. OH, BABY, IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE TRUE LOVE BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I’M SERIOUS. AND TO LOSE ALL YOUR SENSES THAT IS JUST SO TYPIC’LLY… YOU OH, BABY, BABY! OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME OH, BABY, BABY. OOPS! YOU THINK I’M IN LOVE, THAT I’M SENT FROM ABOVE? I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT. CINDERELLA turns, confronting PRINCE CHARMING.

CINDERELLA

YOU SEE, MY PROBLEM IS THIS: I’M DREAMIN’ AWAY WISHING THAT HEROES, THEY TRULY EXIST.

SNOW WHITE

(devastated)

I CRY WATCHING THE DAYS. I GUESS I’M A FOOL IN SO MANY WAYS

PRINCE CHARMING AND TO LOSE ALL YOUR SENSES THAT IS JUST SO TYPIC’LLY YOU BABY, OH.

PRINCE CHARMING OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME OH, BABY, BABY. OOPS! YOU THINK I’M IN LOVE,

SNOW WHITE

YOU PLAYED WITH MY HEART I GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME OH, BABY MAYBE OOH, I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE,

PRINCES OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN OOH OOPS!

(PRINCE CHARMING)

THAT I’M SENT FROM ABOVE. I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT.

(SNOW WHITE)

YOU WERE SENT FROM ABOVE. AM I TOO INNOCENT?

CINDERELLA pulls SNOW WHITE off and away.

NARRATOR

(entering)

Cinderella, Snow White! Get back here!

PRINCE CHARMING

Was it something I said?

NARRATOR

What? Not at all, you’re perfect!

PRINCES, BETANY, & BELINDA

OOPS! HE DID IT AGAIN! TO YOUR HEART! GOT LOST IN THIS GAME, OH BABY!

OOPS! YOU THINK THAT HE’S SENT FROM ABOVE. HE’S NOT THAT INNOCENT!

PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCES, & BELINDA

OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME OH, BABY, BABY. OOPS! YOU THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE I WAS SENT FROM ABOVE.

PRINCE CHARMING

I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT!

(PRINCES)

… SENT FROM ABOVE HE’S NOT THAT INNOCENT!

PRINCE CHARMING I DID IT!

YOU GOT LOST! IN THIS GAME YOU THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE!

I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT.

PRINCES & BETANY

OOPS! HE DID IT AGAIN TO YOUR HEART. GOT LOST IN THIS GAME, OH BABY. OOPS! YOU THINK THAT HE’S SENT FROM ABOVE.

PRINCES, BETANY, & BELINDA

HE’S NOT THAT INNOCENT!

SCENE 7—SNOW WHITE’S COTTAGE

Scroll Club. EVERYBODY’s drinking.

RAPUNZEL

That is SO messed up. And she walked away from the Narrator??! Girl’s got some ballgowns

CLUMSY enters to refill, then stacks empty bottles in his arms.

You girls can really drink.

CLUMSY

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Well, what else is there to do?

Laughter… that dissolves into uncomfortable silence. CLUMSY eases the door open with his foot.

… you got those, Clumsy?

RAPUNZEL

I hear the doubt in your voice, but yes. He turns… and stumbles.

CLUMSY

PRINCESSES

Here we go / called it / oh no! He falls. Glass shatters.

CLUMSY (re-entering)

… I’m always going to be alone, aren’t I.

CINDERELLA enters.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Well if it isn’t Suzy Cold Hors D’Oeuvres. Ma’am, we have questions LITTLE MERMAID signs hers.

CINDERELLA

Yeah I’m ok. I mean, I’m not. I guess I sorta feel like—

SNOW WHITE

Like your whole story’s been a lie?

SNOW WHITE is needlepointing furiously.

CINDERELLA

Like, sure, I always sorta suspected the “charming” thing was more of a public act, but… he scours the kingdom for me. (then, to SNOW WHITE)

What are you making?

SNOW WHITE flips her needlepoint.

RAPUNZEL

What’s that say? I can’t read it.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Nobody can.

SNOW WHITE

It says “Stay, Faithful,” or it’s supposed to, I didn’t go to school, ok? But I do know how to spell “heartache”, with a capital j! Because that’s how I feel.

CINDERELLA

But Snow he’s cheating on you! On us!

SNOW WHITE

You don’t understand.

#9—From the Bottom of My Broken Heart

CINDERELLA

I think I do because it kinda happened to both—

SNOW WHITE

(cutting her off)

OOOOH

PRINCE ERUDITE and OTHER PRINCES sing as BIRDS.

NA NA NA NA NA NA

What’s happening?

BIRDS

RAPUNZEL

SNOW WHITE

I’m gonna question all my choices, figure out what I did to push him away. (then)

“NEVER LOOK BACK,” WE SAID. HOW WAS I TO KNOW I’D MISS YOU SO? CLUMSY joins in, startling SNOW WHITE.

SNOW WHITE & CLUMSY LONELINESS UP AHEAD, EMPTINESS BEHIND, WHERE DO I GO?

BIRDS

WHERE DO I GO, OH NO!

SNOW WHITE & CLUMSY

AND YOU DIDN’T HEAR ALL MY JOY THROUGH MY TEARS, ALL MY HOPES THROUGH MY FEAR, DID YOU KNOW? OOH

SNOW WHITE

STILL I MISS YOU SOMEHOW?

SNOW WHITE is really feeling it now. The BIRDS sway behind her…

SNOW WHITE

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART, THERE’S JUST A… A THING OR TWO … YOU GOTTA KNOW YOU WERE MY FIRST LOVE, FIRST LOVE.

CLUMSY & BIRDS

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART, THERE’S JUST A THING OR TWO I’D LIKE YOU TO KNOW. … YOU WERE MY FIRST LOVE.

(SNOW WHITE, CLUMSY, & BIRDS)

YOU WERE MY TRUE LOVE FROM THE FIRST KISSES TO THE VERY LAST ROSE! (bonkers melisma)

FROM! THE!

BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART,

(SNOW WHITE) EVEN THOUGH TIME MAY FIND ME

YOU WERE MY REAL LOVE, I NEVER KNEW LOVE, ‘TIL THERE WAS YOU! FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART

CLUMSY exits.

(CLUMSY & BIRDS) EVEN THOUGH TIME MAY FIND ME SOMEBODY NEW

YOU WERE MY REAL LOVE, I NEVER KNEW LOVE, ‘TIL THERE WAS YOU!

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Cin, what were you thinking? Bringing Snow into your story?!? Narrator’s gonna lose his quill when he sees you!

RAPUNZEL

Yeah, I mean, curiosity isn’t exactly rewarded around here. Look what happens to Red Riding Hood. Goes off her path and, boom, lunch.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Then again, some of us almost miss a party so it’s hard to compare—

CINDERELLA

Ok. I’m not— We were trying to get a… Can you all keep a secret?

NARRATOR (off)

Hansel and Gretel, to the gingerbread house.

HANSEL and GRETEL cross, overjoyed.

Oh ho, yeah!

HANSEL

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

Those poor children. CINDERELLA pulls them into a huddle.

CINDERELLA

This is beyond hush hush. I got given a scroll thingy, called a book… and now it’s got me questioning almost everything in our stories.

SNOW WHITE

Wait, our stories too?

CINDERELLA

Your story especially. Not to pick on you, but…

SNOW WHITE

But what?

CINDERELLA

I mean, “true love”? That starts when a guy you’ve never met kisses you? An anonymous guy who basically assaults you in the woods—

SNOW WHITE

Faithful RESCUES me.

CINDERELLA

He discovers you, unconscious in a clearing, and instead of calling for help, he decides to take advantage of you.

All the PRINCESSES try to process.

SNOW WHITE

Huh. I never thought about it that way.

CINDERELLA

Look, now that we know who he is? We don’t have to put up with this.

SNOW WHITE

Agreed. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on— (off a knock)

Oh! I wonder who that could be?!

SNOW WHITE answers before CLUMSY can. A hag (NARRATOR) hunches in and holds out an—

Apple?

Oh, I love—!

HAG (NARRATOR)

SNOW WHITE

CLUMSY

(knocking it away)

Snow! It’s your Evil Queen. It’s ALWAYS the Evil—

CLUMSY pulls off the hood to gasps.

NARRATOR

(to CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE)

There you are! You thought you could avoid me but I am TOO clever! I know EVERYTHING that goes on in this kingdom!

(off another knock)

Oh! I wonder who that could be?

CLUMSY opens the door. PRINCE ERUDITE. Sparks fly. Time freezes…

PRINCE ERUDITE

Hi! I’m Prince Erudite. You must be Happy?

He goes to shake CLUMSY’s hand and gets poked in the eye.

CLUMSY

No I’m Hopey. (correcting!)

Humpy. (eek!)

Crumbsy! (wrong!)

Clumsy.

Awkward. PRINCE ERUDITE spies CINDERELLA, and moves to return her slipper.

PRINCE ERUDITE

Hey! Wasn’t sure if you’d want this back, but—

(seeing NARRATOR)

(PRINCE ERUDITE)

Oh! Narrator! SO. I realize I’m basically just a member of Charming’s entourage but I’d love to talk to you about my character arc because as they say, there are no small parts, only small— (to CLUMSY)

That is NOT directed at you. You’re ado-able. (yikes!)

Adorable. (nonchalant)

Agreeable.

NARRATOR

Cinderella, Snow White, what has gotten into you?!

CINDERELLA

Wanna know what’s gotten into us? How long have you known that Charming was both of (our)—

NARRATOR

Stop! Yikes. What is that tone you’re using?

CINDERELLA

All I’m asking—

NARRATOR

You’re yelling. You don’t even realize you’re doing it. It’s the register. It’s so strident. No. Shrill? Dulcet tones. Practice! All of you.

PRINCESSES

(singsong)

Sorry.

CINDERELLA

Why would you keep that from us? That Snow and I are sharing a prince?

NARRATOR

Because I knew you’d get hysterical. You’d better tread carefully in those slippers, missy. You’ll get a reputation.

CINDERELLA

As?

Difficult.

(off EVERYBODY’s horror)

NARRATOR

Everybody who doesn’t live here, OUT.

ALL exit except for SNOW WHITE. CINDERELLA tries to join the OTHERS.

NARRATOR

Not you, Cinderella.

(to SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA)

Girls. We have been entrusted with these tales. WE are the guardians. Do you understand how much of a responsibility that is?

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

Yes.

NARRATOR

I’m very glad to hear that. Because these fairy tales, they teach children how to see the world. What to fear. Whom to love. What happy ever after means. And so if we start changing things… we might as well take away their north star! The very light that guides them through their childhoods!

CINDERELLA

I understand but—

NARRATOR

(snapping)

No I don’t think you do. Cinderella, you told me you felt “lonely.” Do you know where you’ll really feel lonely? Story’s End.

(Thunder crashes again.)

(NARRATOR)

Do you know how many of these tales are no longer requested? Nobody’s going to want to read your story girls if you aren’t likeable. Is that happy ever after to you?!? Fading into obscurity, for all eternity?

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

… no.

NARRATOR

Then I want this nonsense to stop. The next time your story is read you will perform it exactly as written. Am I clear?!?

(off CINDERELLA’s nod)

Good day. And happy ever after. He exits. CINDERELLA gathers her things.

CINDERELLA

I gotta go.

SNOW WHITE

What about telling the girls about the book?

CINDERELLA

… Never mind. It’s too dangerous. CINDERELLA exits, and we transition to…

SCENE 8—CINDERELLA’S HOUSE

CINDERELLA is mid-conversation with her BIRDS and MICE.

(CINDERELLA)

… no, of course it’s no choice at all. But look, what am I complaining about, really? So my husband has a mistress. Am I the first woman in history to have to look the other way as her husband is intimate with her best friend who is literally the fairest of them all? Ha! So I’m just going to play the role I’ve been written…

(A larger BIRD begins pointedly tweeting a question at her.)

of my…? No, of course it isn’t the best use of my abilities. But then, what abilities do I have? I mean, if you want a lentil-free hearth, I’m your girl, but… I just don’t see the point of dreaming.

Poof! The bird transforms into O.F.G.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

You don’t see the point of dreaming?! Bibbidi bobbidi BOO on this attitude of yours!

BETANY & BELINDA

(off)

CINDERELLA!

CINDERELLA

They took the book! And I tried to get it back but— you’re just gonna have to get it back for me.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Get it back for you, of course—

O.F.G. reaches in her purse, pulls out her wand.

CINDERELLA

(to the BIRDS)

Never gets old, having a fairy godmother.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

NOW ALACAZOOLAMI AND MENCHIKAPOOLARU BUT THE THINGAMABOB THAT DOES THE JOB IS—

CINDERELLA (loving it)

BIBBIDI BOBBIDI—

FAIRY GODMOTHER (pointing wand)

Self-reliance.

(FAIRY GODMOTHER)

Cinderella. Your story is going to challenge you. You can’t run from those challenges— you gotta run toward them! But to do that, you might need to give those slippers… (raised eyebrow) a break.

CINDERELLA

You mean literally? The eyebrow, you seem to be suggesting that—

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Here’s the thing, Cinderella. True happy ever after—for a woman—usually involves breaking some glass. (then)

I think that’s the key to your happy ever after…

CINDERELLA

I could never…

(CINDERELLA takes off a slipper and feigns “trying” to break it.)

It’s not a material with a ton of give. Plus these are my slippers! Iconic. I wouldn’t be “Cinderella” without them!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

So who would you be?

CINDERELLA has no idea.

CINDERELLA

I kinda need more help. If you could just— (off O.F.G.’s look)

And… there’s that eyebrow. Self-reliance? (confirmed)

Self-reliance.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Cinderella, if something’s wrong with your ever after, it’s up to you to right it!

CINDERELLA

Write it, or right it? How are you spelling—

FAIRY GODMOTHER

You can’t do one without the other. So right your fairy tale! That is the answer to the problem that has no name…

BELINDA & BETANY (off)

CINDERELLA!!!

O.F.G. vanishes as the STEPSISTERS arrive, book in hand.

There she is, Princess FancyPants Ideas!

BETANY

BELINDA

Princess “Look at me, I’m literate.”

NARRATOR (off)

Top of the dressmaking scene!

Music begins and the STEPSISTERS start to shred CINDERELLA’s gown as she fumes.

#10—Slave 4 U / Piece of Me

BETANY

UH OH CINDERELLA YOU’VE BEEN SUCH A NAUGHTY GIRL

BELINDA

WHATEVER GAVE YOU THE IDEA THAT YOU COULD STEP INTO OUR WORLD?

BETANY

NOT PRACTICAL, NOT LOGICAL

I’M KNOCKING, NO ONE’S THERE

BELINDA

ALL I KNOW IS I’M SO HAPPY EV’RY TIME I TEAR They gleefully shred CINDERELLA’s gown…

BETANY & BELINDA

GET IT GET IT, GET IT GET IT, OH GET IT GET IT, GET IT GET IT, UH OH GET IT GET IT, GET IT GET IT OH! Ecstasy. CINDERELLA fumes.

CINDERELLA

BEEN ON THE STEPSISTER SCENE SINCE I WAS SEVENTEEN.

DON’T MATTER IF I KEEP THE PLACE CLEAN OR SNEAK AWAY SEEKING PALACE DREAMS. THESE SISTERS WANT MY SLIPPERS, TREAT ME VICIOUS, THEY TREAT ME MEAN THEY WANT A PIECE OF ME.

BETANY

WE WANT A PIECE OF YOU!

BELINDA YOU’RE A—

BETANY & BELINDA

SLAVE FOR US

YOU LIVE TO SERVE US, YOU DO NOT DESERVE US, YOU’RE A SLAVE FOR US YOU CAN’T DENY IT, WHY YOU TRYIN’ TO HIDE IT?

CINDERELLA

I GO FROM RAGS STRAIGHT TO RICHES, GET THE HATE FROM STUCK-UP SNITCHES WHO CAN RIP ON MY STITCHES, DON’T FLIP THE SITUATION WHICH IS (light bulb dawning!)

THAT WITH OR WITHOUT THIS DRESS I’M STILL AN EXCEPTIONAL CATCH AND YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME.

BETANY & BELINDA

WE WANT A PIECE OF YOU

BETANY

YOU’RE PRINCESS “LIFESTYLES OF THE POOR AND CLUELESS”

CINDERELLA

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

BELINDA

YOU’RE PRINCESS “OH MY GOSH THAT CIN IS USELESS”

CINDERELLA

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

BETANY

YOU’RE PRINCESS “EXTRA EXTRA THIS JUST IN”

CINDERELLA

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

BELINDA

YOU’RE PRINCESS “CIN JUST CANNOT CATCH A WIN”

CINDERELLA

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!? CINDERELLA stands, and heads to a door.

Where are you— what are you doing?

BETANY

CINDERELLA (then, aha!)

Changing.

(CINDERELLA locks the door behind her. She sizes up what’s left of her dress, then summons her MICE and BIRDS. CINDERELLA works with them to refashion her gown into a dress of her own creation, while BELINDA and BETANY bang on the door.)

RIBBON, SCISSORS, MAYBE AN A LINE? GET THE NEEDLE, DO WE GO KNEE LENGTH? LOOKING BETTER, YES I CAN BREATHE NOW!

BELINDA

BETANY! WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN’ ON HERE?

BETANY

No idea.

(BETANY)

AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOUT ‘CAUSE—

BELINDA

BUT BETANY! SOMETHING’S SERI—

BETANY

Bring it down.

BELINDA (lowering her voice) —OUSLY WRONG HERE

BETANY

No, I mean “lower your voice.”

BELINDA (bass notes)

WHAT’S THIS ALL ABOUT?

CINDERELLA

(as she finishes the dress)

I’M PRINCESS “WHY CAN’T SHE BE HAPPY WITH THE THINGS THAT SHE GOT?”

BUT CHECK IT, SEEKING EQUAL TREATMENT SURE DON’T SEEM LIKE A LOT. SO I AM COMING FOR YOUR KINGDOM,

BETANY & BELINDA

UH-OH!

CINDERELLA READY OR NOT. NOW ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

BELINDA

I am not at ALL sure at this point.

CINDERELLA bursts out, completely transformed in the chic dress of her own design.

BELINDA and BETANY are stunned.

CINDERELLA

I’M PRINCESS “EVER AFTER’S NOT ENOUGH!” YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

PRINCESS “FREEDOM’S WHAT I’M DREAMING OF”

BELINDA & BETANY

(impressed)

WE WANT A PIECE OF YOU…

CINDERELLA

I’M PRINCESS “OH, I KNOW THERE’S MORE THAN THIS” YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

PRINCESS “I DON’T NEED A PRINCE’S KISS” ‘CAUSE I’M ALREADY A QUEEN!

(CINDERELLA grabs the book from a stunned BELINDA and exits. Outside, she holds out her hand for a songbird.)

Tell the girls to meet me at Rapunzel’s tower!

CINDERELLA hurries away. Transition to:

SCENE 9—RAPUNZEL’S TOWER

PRINCESS AND THE PEA, LITTLE MERMAID, SLEEPING BEAUTY, and SNOW WHITE wait at a wishing well.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

What could the emergency be?

SNOW WHITE (into the well)

The emergency is this wishing well! Who has a coin? I wanna make a wish! (hearing an echo, eyes wide)

Somebody’s down there!

CINDERELLA (entering)

Ok great, you all got my bird—

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Cin, what’s going on, and what are you wearing?

CINDERELLA

I’ll explain when we’re all together— where’s Pun?

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

I think her story’s being read—

SNOW WHITE

What are you doing, Cin? You heard what the Narrator said!

CINDERELLA

I did. But well-behaved princesses rarely make history. (then, re: the tower)

We’re going up!

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Who us? Up? Can women do that? Won’t our shoulders get broad? Will birds still land on them?!?

CINDERELLA

Let’s find out!

As CINDERELLA scans her surroundings for a way to get up, a cloaked figure emerges from the end of a braid.

It’s PRINCE CHARMING. The PRINCESSES gasp.

Pureheart?

Valiant?

Faithful?!

Eric?

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

SLEEPING BEAUTY

SNOW WHITE

LITTLE MERMAID (MIMED)

PRINCE CHARMING

Oh, hi there! Ah. Wow! You’re all here. Hi everybody.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Are you the Prince in EVERY story?

PRINCE CHARMING

… oops.

#10A—Oops… Again (then)

I THINK I DID IT AGAIN

(I MADE YOU BELIEVE—)

The PRINCESSES cut him off. Nope. Hearing the commotion, RAPUNZEL leans out of her tower—

What’s going on down there—

RAPUNZEL

CINDERELLA

Pun, Charming is cheating on you too! On ALL of us!

RAPUNZEL

(daggers to PRINCE CHARMING)

I’m coming down.

RAPUNZEL leaves. PRINCE CHARMING turns to CINDERELLA.

I can explain—

PRINCE CHARMING

CINDERELLA

So can I. #11—Womanizer

(CINDERELLA)

SUPERSTAR, WHERE YOU FROM HOW’S IT GOIN’?

I KNOW YOU GOT A CLUE WHAT YOU’RE DOIN’ YOU CAN CAST YOUR CHARMS ON GIRLS FROM CASTLES TO THE FARMS BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE, BABY.

SNOW WHITE

LOOK AT YOU GETTIN’ ALL AROUND THE KINGDOM!

SLEEPING BEAUTY

BABY, YOU GOT ALL US PUPPETS WITH OUR STRINGS UP

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

FAKIN’ LIKE A GOOD ONE BUT I CALL ‘EM LIKE I SEE ‘EM. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE, BABY

PRINCESSES

WOMANIZER, WOMAN WOMANIZER, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER OH, WOMANIZER, OH, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER BABY YOU, YOU, YOU ARE, YOU, YOU, YOU ARE WOMANIZER, WOMANIZER, WOMANIZER

I… I…

PRINCE CHARMING

PRINCESSES

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT

I–I KNOW JUST–JUST WHAT YOU ARE

CIN, SNOW, & BEAUTY

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT

I–I KNOW JUST–JUST WHAT YOU AH–ARE. YOU!

MERMAID, PEA, & PUN

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU ARE. YOU!

PRINCE CHARMING

You’re all crazy.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

YOU SAY WE’RE CRAZY?

RAPUNZEL & LITTLE MERMAID

PRINCESSES YOU!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

WE GOT YOUR CRAZY!

RAPUNZEL & LITTLE MERMAID

PRINCESSES YOU!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

YOU’RE NOTHIN’ BUT A—

PRINCESSES YOU!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA & SLEEPING BEAUTY WOMANIZER

SNOW WHITE gets in PRINCE CHARMING’s face.

SNOW WHITE

CHARMING–O, YOU GOT THE SWAGGER OF A CHAMPION TOO BAD FOR YOU, YOU JUST CAN’T FIND THE RIGHT COMPANION

SLEEPING BEAUTY

I GUESS WHEN YOU HAVE ONE TOO MANY, MAKES IT HARD, IT COULD BE EASY, WHO YOU ARE, THAT’S JUST WHO YOU ARE, BABY. RAPUNZEL arrives, out of breath.

RAPUNZEL

WASHING YOU (hands on knees)

Wow, that’s a lot of stairs.

PRINCE CHARMING

That is why I don’t take them up—

RAPUNZEL

(absolutely not, pouncing)

WASHING YOU RIGHT OUT MY HAIR, DON’T GET IT TWISTED YOU’RE AN ASS, AND AS FOR MINE, BOY, YOU CAN KISS IT! SAY IT, PLAY IT HOW YOU WANNA, BUT MY LOCKS ARE NEVER GONNA FALL FOR YOU, NEVER YOU, BABY

SNOW WHITE

PRINCESSIZER, PRINCESS, PRINCESSIZER, YOU’RE A PRINCESSIZER

PRINCESSES

OH, PRINCESSIZER, OH, YOU’RE A PRINCESSIZER BABY

PRINCESSES (EXCEPT SNOW WHITE)

YOU, YOU, YOU ARE YOU, YOU, YOU ARE!

SNOW WHITE (ad lib riff) YOU YOU ARE

PRINCESSES

PRINCESSIZER! PRINCESSIZER! PRINCESSIZER! CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT JUST JUST WHAT YOU ARE

BEAUTY, MERMAID, PEA, & PUN

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW JUST JUST WHAT YOU ARE

CIN & SNOW

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I KNOW

JUST WHAT YOU ARE

BEAUTY & MERMAID

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW

JUST JUST WHAT YOU AH–ARE

PEA & PUN

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW

JUST WHAT YOU ARE

The PRINCESSES grab PRINCE CHARMING and drop him into the wishing well.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!

PRINCE CHARMING

ALL PRINCESSES

WOMANIZER, WOMAN WOMANIZER, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER OH, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER, BABY!

PRINCE CHARMING hits the bottom. Boom.

CINDERELLA

Ok! There’s so much to get you all caught up on. So you remember how I was telling you about this scroll thingy I was given?

(producing The Feminine Mystique)

This is called a book and its sheets are called pages.

PRINCESS

AND THE PEA

Whoa, this is the best thing since—

(CINDERELLA pulls bread from her bag.)

Has that loaf been SEVERED?

CINDERELLA

Yes, and wait ‘til I tell you about something called “peanut butter”! But right now let’s just quickly read this together. This thing is GROUNDBREAKING. Once we’re on the same page about what’s possible, everything’ll make sense!

The PRINCESSES gather round and try to read over CINDERELLA’s shoulder. Chaos.

You can turn. I’m a fast reader.

BEAUTY

PRINCESS AND THE PEA (dryly)

Ok, ‘Belle.’

Oh I didn’t realize we’d started!

SNOW WHITE

CINDERELLA

People, focus! I wish I had copies for everybody—

RAPUNZEL

Don’t you get wishes in your story? I’d help a girl out, but I just get healing tears.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Same.

I literally get a pea. That’s it.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

CINDERELLA

Let me try.

(closing her eyes)

I wish we had more books!

(A new book suddenly appears! CINDERELLA grabs it, and reads the cover.)

“Private Parts, by Howard Stern.”

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Cin. How many tales have we read? You’ve got to be ruthlessly specific with wishes. Try again.

The PRINCESSES gather around CINDERELLA as she revises the wish.

CINDERELLA

I wish we had more of Princess Betty’s books.

Poof! O.F.G. appears, holding a stack of books.

Did somebody say I wish?

FAIRY GODMOTHER

(taking Private Parts)

(FAIRY GODMOTHER)

Oh no, that was a joke, sweetie. I gotcha! I got all of you…

CINDERELLA

Oh! Everybody, this is O.F.G.!

PRINCESSES

Notorious

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Yes, yes, hello… Ok! Listen up! O.F.G.’s gonna take you to school.

SNOW WHITE

Ooh, school! Finally!

O.F.G. hands out The Feminine Mystique.

#12—Scream & Shout / I Wanna Go

FAIRY GODMOTHER

O.F.G. is here to— (deep)

BRING THE ACTION WHEN YOU READ THIS IN THE CLUB YOU GOTTA TURN THIS BIT UP YOU GOTTA TURN THIS BIT UP YOU GOTTA TURN THIS BIT UP WHEN WE UP IN THE CLUB ALL EYES ON US ALL EYES ON US ALL EYES ON US SAY IT, GIRLS IN THE CLUB— “WE’VE HAD ENOUGH”

PRINCESSES

WE’VE HAD ENOUGH?

(off O.F.G.’s look)

WE’VE HAD ENOUGH!

FAIRY GODMOTHER & CINDERELLA

EV’RY PRINCESS IN THE CLUB

LET’S WAKE IT UP

SNOW WHITE

I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT ALL OUT!

SLEEPING BEAUTY AND SCREAM

RAPUNZEL & PRINCESS AND THE PEA AND SHOUT

LITTLE MERMAID (MIMED) (AND LET IT OUT!)

SNOW WHITE

WE SAYIN’ O–E–O-E–O–E–O, WE SAYIN’—

SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES O–E–O-E–O–E–O

ALL PRINCESSES, FAIRY GODMOTHER, & CINDERELLA

I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT ALL OUT! AND SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT OUT! WE SAYIN’ O–E–O-E–O–E–O

SLEEPING BEAUTY

(translating for LITTLE MERMAID; spoken in rhythm)

YOU ARE… NOW? NOW. ROCKING WITH A “SCHOOL” OF PRINCESS SUFFRAGISTS! The kingdom’s other PRINCESSES rush in, joining the movement!

PRINCESSES

OH YEAH!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

BRING THE ACTION!

(re: her voice)

(FAIRY GODMOTHER)

That’s more than a tickle! Now we got a lot of ground to cover. Cin maybe you can summarize, give us the Grimm’s Notes version?

CINDERELLA

I can give it a go! Chapter one—

BETTY’S AIM: SOLVE THE PROBLEM THAT HAS NO NAME

GOLDILOCKS

WOW I LOVE THIS FOR US

GRETEL, PEA, & RED

OOH SAME!

RAPUNZEL

YO THIS BETTY GIRL’S GOT SOME GAME-GAME-GAME

SNOW WHITE

(stunned)

HIGH HO! WE DO NOT NEED TO LOVE TO SEW!

SLEEPING BEAUTY OR TO COOK OR TO CLEAN

GOLDILOCKS WHAT? WHOA!

ESMERELDA

TIME TO PRACTICE SOME DULCET NO—

BELLE & ESMERELDA NO!

GRETEL, BELLE, & ESMERELDA NO’S!

PRINCESSES

YAY! YO!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

LOCK IT DOWN, GOT IT NOW!

RED

BETTY KNOWS WHAT SHE’S TALKIN’ ‘BOUT GET IT GIRL, BURN DOWN THE HOU-HOU-HOUSE

PRINCESSES

LET’S GO!

CINDERELLA

MAKE A CHANGE IT’S A BRAND NEW DAY! WE ARE DONE BEING WELL-BEHAVED. SO GET OUT OF OUR WAY! LET’S—

PRINCESSES

BRING THE ACTION!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

That’s the ticket! But— there’s a lot that Betty didn’t cover. So…

CINDERELLA

LATELY, I’VE BEEN STUCK IMAGINING WHERE I WANNA GO AND WHAT I REALLY THINK. TIME TO BLOW OUT,

SNOW WHITE

BE A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE, SHOW THEM SNOW GON’ BLOW THROUGH EV’RY DOOR THEY SHUT GOING SO OUT.

RAPUNZEL SHAME ON ME

SLEEPING BEAUTY TO NEED RELEASE

PRINCESS AND THE PEA UNCONTROLLABLY.

CINDERELLA & RAPUNZEL

I, I, I WANNA GO–O–O ALL THE WAY–AY–AY, DREAMING ALL MY DREAMS TONIGHT.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

I, I, I WANNA SHOW–OW–OW ALL THE THI–I–INGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND, WHOA.

CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, RAPUNZEL, & PRINCESS AND THE PEA

I, I, I WANNA GO–O–O ALL THE WAY–AY–AY, SCREAMING OUT MY DREAMS TONIGHT.

PRINCESSES

I, I, I WANNA SHOW–OW–OW ALL THE THI–I–INGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND, WHOA.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

PRINCESS BETTY KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR US, GOT A MOVEMENT GROOVIN’ READY TO ERUPT TIME TO BLOW OUT

CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, & RAPUNZEL

WE’VE BEEN LOCKED UP WHILE OUR STORY’S TOLD, TOLD TO COUNT OUR BLESSINGS TOLD WE CAN’T GROW OLD, TOLD TO STAY OUT

PRINCESSES

SHAME ON ME

PRINCES

(entering)

YES, SHAME ON YOU! YES, SHAME ON YOU!

PRINCESSES

TO NEED RELEASE

PRINCES

THIS ISN’T WHAT A GIRL SHOULD DO

PRINCESSES UNCONTROLLABLY.

PRINCES

CONTROL YOURSELF, WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU? YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY, PUT YOUR DREAMS ASIDE. YOU’RE GONNA BLOW EVERYTHING, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

PRINCESSES

I, I, I WANNA GO-O-O ALL THE WAY-AY-AY, DREAMING ALL MY DREAMS TONIGHT. I, I, I WANNA SHOW-OW-OW ALL THE THI-I-INGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND. WHOA WHOA

CINDERELLA

I WANNA GO ALL THE WAY…

I WANNA SHOW ALL THE THINGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND. WHOA WHOA

(PRINCES)

YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY, PUT YOUR DREAMS ASIDE. YOU’RE GONNA BLOW EVERYTHING, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? WHOA

PRINCE CHARMING and the NARRATOR, flanked by the kingdom’s MEN, block the WOMEN’s path.

PRINCE CHARMING

Where do you think you’re going?

NARRATOR

Yes, where do you think you’re going?

The WOMEN all look at each other. Where, um, exactly are they going?

CINDERELLA thinks. Turns to O.F.G.… who raises her fist. CINDERELLA thinks. Then…

On strike.

END OF ACT I

CINDERELLA

#13—Entr’acte

SCENE 1—THE CASTLE

The kingdom has been turned upside down. With the women on strike, no stories can be read…

CINDERELLA

HIT IT!

#14—Crazy

CRAZY!

COMPANY

STEPFAMILY & PRINCESSES

Lights up on the GIRL, in her room, holding the open book of fairy tales.

She turns it around. Its pages are blank.

GIRL

Oh no, the stories—they’re gone! What’s going on? Godmother! Godmother?

At that, a mysterious door appears. The GIRL opens it… and steps through.

Lights up on the NARRATOR, pacing, and on PRINCE CHARMING and the STEPFAMILY.

NARRATOR

CINDY I’M SO OVER YOU,

PRINCE CHARMING

YOU STARTED SOMETHING, WHAT DID YOU DO?

STEPFAMILY

CINDY YOU SPIN ME AROUND, OH, DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD TURN DOWN A CROWN

NARRATOR, PRINCE CHARMING, & STEPFAMILY

THINGS WERE FINE BLIND MICE COULD SEE YOUR LIFE WAS PERFECT, BUT NOW WE AGREE YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY, I JUST CAN’T SLEEP. YOU’VE LOST YOUR MIND GIRL YOU’RE IN TOO DEEP. SO–O–O CRAZY THIS IS NOT ALL RIGHT! BABY THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT!

PRINCE CHARMING

TELL ME YOU’RE SO INTO ME THAT I’M THE ONLY ONE YOU WILL SEE

BETANY & BELINDA

TELL ME I’M NOT IN THE BLUE OR THAT I’M NOT WASTIN’ MY FEELIN’S ON YOU

PRINCE CHARMING, BETANY, & BELINDA EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT ME MY HEART IS JUMPIN’, IT’S EASY TO SEE!

NARRATOR, PRINCE CHARMING, & STEPFAMILY YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY! I JUST CAN’T SLEEP.

PRINCE CHARMING, BETANY, & BELINDA LOVE UNREQUITED I’M IN SO DEEP.

NARRATOR, PRINCE CHARMING, & STEPFAMILY

OH-OH-OH CRAZY! BUT IT FEELS ALL RIGHT BABY THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT

The striking PRINCESSES enter, on their march, holding signs: “WHO YOU CALLING PRINCESS?” “HANDS OFF MY EVER AFTER” “RESCUE THIS”, etc.

PRINCESSES CRAZY!

(PRINCESSES)

WE JUST CAN’T SLEEP! WE’RE SO EXCITED! WE’RE IN SO DEEP! CRAZY BUT IT FEELS ALL RIGHT EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT

NARRATOR Stop!

STEPMOTHER, STEPSISTERS, PRINCES, & NARRATOR

YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY, BABY.

PRINCESSES

EXCITED, I’M IN TOO DEEP, OH, BUT IT FEELS ALRIGHT!

COMPANY

BABY THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY! I JUST CAN’T SLEEP.

STEPMOTHER, STEPSISTERS, PRINCES, & PRINCESSES

I’M SO EXCITED

SNOW, BEAUTY, & CIN

I’M IN SO DEEP!

COMPANY (EXCEPT SNOW, BEAUTY, & CIN) YOU’RE IN TOO DEEP! OH, CRAZY,

COMPANY (EXCEPT NARRATOR) BUT IT FEELS ALRIGHT!

COMPANY

THERE’S NO PAGES TURNING ANYWHERE TONIGHT! THERE’S NO PAGES TURNING ANYWHERE TONIGHT!

NARRATOR

It’s all ruined. Centuries of tradition lost! And on my watch! Cinderella has destroyed everything! She’ll pay.

STEPMOTHER

(sidling up)

In BLOOD.

NARRATOR

The children… how could she do this to them?!? Cinderella was our most popular tale!

BETANY

It was?!?

Go us!

BELINDA

STEPMOTHER

You just need another girl to play her.

NARRATOR

But there are no other girls! She’s taken ALL of them!

STEPMOTHER

Well not ALL of them.

BETANY

Gosh, she really has…

What a tragedy.

Girls.

Can we get her back?

Ooh great idea! What if we sent—

BELINDA

STEPMOTHER

BELINDA

BETANY

(cutting her off)

The Huntsman!

STEPMOTHER

BETANY

Why would we send him? Given his track record.

STEPMOTHER

WE DO NOT WANT CINDERELLA BACK THAT IS WHY WE ARE SUGGESTING HIM.

BETANY

Ah, clever, mother!

We just don’t want him to send—

STEPMOTHER

BELINDA

CHARMING!

NARRATOR

(taking her idea)

I’ve got it! Charming! (then)

I shall send Prince Charming! He probably already has a plan! After all, this is a prince who knows how to perform under pressure!

Lights on PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCE ERUDITE rubbing his shoulders.

PRINCE CHARMING

That’s too much pressure. Ugh, and now it’s not enough. How could Cin do this? I mean, how selfish can a princess be?! Who am I supposed to kiss now?!? Who’s going to tuck me in? Who is going to scratch the very middle of my back?!?!?

PRINCE ERUDITE

Your highness… I too have a problem. It’s a matter of the heart. You know the speech you give, at the ball, about love at first sight?

(off PRINCE CHARMING’s “bleck”)

Well, I believe it may have happened to me.

You sly dog! What’s her name?

… his.

PRINCE CHARMING

PRINCE ERUDITE

PRINCE CHARMING

Oh… my friend. I can’t say that I blame you, nor am I surprised, but sadly my beanstalk—which is giant—is not for—

PRINCE ERUDITE

It isn’t you.

Of course it is.

It isn’t.

But it is.

PRINCE CHARMING

PRINCE ERUDITE

PRINCE CHARMING

PRINCE ERUDITE (realizing)

I have to go find him.

PRINCE CHARMING

Wait, what? No! You can’t leave too!

NARRATOR enters, with STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS in tow.

NARRATOR

Charming! We need you to save the day, and get back Cinderella.

PRINCE CHARMING (jumping up)

On it! (then)

How.

STEPMOTHER

Exactly. It’s useless. We’ll have to find a replacement girl, go to Plan B. B… hmm, what girl names start with B?

BELINDA

Belle!

NARRATOR (considering)

Possibly.

Beauty?

Interesting…

Baba Yaga?

GIRLS

BETANY

NARRATOR

BELINDA

STEPMOTHER

NARRATOR (deciding)

No, we stick with Plan A. A as in “AS IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN.” We’re not changing things.

PRINCE CHARMING

Here for that. In Plan A, I save the day by giving Cin her slipper back. But she has them both already. What else could I give her?

BETANY

An ultimatum?!?

NARRATOR A piece of MY mind?!?

STEPMOTHER A lobotomy?

BELINDA

(stepping up)

Your full attention. Just listen to her. Show her that you care what SHE has to say.

EVERYBODY stares. Huh.

BETANY

That was, wow, B. Oh! Belinda starts with B, mom!

STEPMOTHER

So does “boiled her daughters alive.”

NARRATOR

(re: BELINDA)

Do… what she said. Go.

PRINCE CHARMING

At your wish! And with that, I am off to bring back Cinderella’s heart…

EVERYBODY leaves except STEPMOTHER, who stops PRINCE CHARMING as he’s exiting.

STEPMOTHER

Oh Charming! You’re so brave. To even attempt this! What’s the plan? Just out of curiosity! I want to help you! If I can!

PRINCE CHARMING considers, then repeats what Belinda said, verbatim.

PRINCE CHARMING

I’m going to give Cin my full attention. Listen to her. Show her that I care what she has to say.

STEPMOTHER

(recoiling)

Oof.

What? Not good?

PRINCE CHARMING

STEPMOTHER

Charming. If you’re only Cinderella’s prince, how is that going to make her friends feel? Rejected. And then they’ll resent her, and the friendships? Kaput. Women can be VERY cruel. What women want is not “a good listener.” Ha! They want to avoid conflict. Muscle gain. Having to think too much. (hmm!)

I wonder… no.

No no no, what?!?

PRINCE CHARMING

STEPMOTHER

If you couldn’t ALL be—

PRINCE CHARMING (lightbulb!)

Together! Forever! In one big happy castle!

STEPMOTHER

YES! Oh, Charming, that’s so clever! Cinderella is going to LOVE that idea. Love it! I honestly think you’ve solved it!

PRINCE CHARMING

Really?

STEPMOTHER

Would I lie to you? HOW did you ever come up with that?!?

#15—3

I just put two and two together!

PRINCE CHARMING

And got?

STEPMOTHER

PRINCE CHARMING

THREE!

(PRINCE CHARMING)

ONE, TWO, THREE NOT ONLY CIN AND ME, BUT A WHOLE PRINCESS TEAM! AND I’M CAUGHT IN BETWEEN COUNTIN’ ONE, TWO, THREE CINDERELLA, SNOW, ME GETTIN’ DOWN WITH 3P EVERYBODY LOVES—

STEPMOTHER

OH. This is an absolute stroke of GENIUS you’ve had, and I don’t say that lightly.

PRINCE CHARMING

THREE IS A CHARM

(off his wink)

Ha!

No it isn’t.

STEPMOTHER

PRINCE CHARMING TWO IS NOT THE SAME

STEPMOTHER

I DON’T SEE THE HARM SO ARE YOU GAME?

PRINCE CHARMING

LET’S MAKE A TEAM MAKE ‘EM SAY MY NAME LOVIN’ THE EXTREME

STEPMOTHER

NOW ARE YOU GAME? ARE YOU IN? LIVIN’ IN SIN IT’S THE NEW THING! ARE YOU IN?

PRINCE CHARMING

I AM COUNTIN’!

ONE, TWO, THREE NOT ONLY CIN AND ME,

STEPMOTHER

THERE’S RAPUNZEL AND PEA!

PRINCE CHARMING

AND I’M CAUGHT IN BETWEEN COUNTIN’ ONE, TWO, THREE AND IF MERMAID AGREES GETTIN’ DOWN THE 6P! EVERYBODY LOVES—

STEPMOTHER

OH. Wow. This is truly… you know what? I’m jealous. There, I said it! (then)

Oh, to be young and beautiful. You get to my age, Charming, and “menopause”… but then they just keep on walking.

PRINCE CHARMING & STEPMOTHER WHAT WE DO IS INNOCENT JUST FOR FUN AND NOTHIN’ MEANT

PRINCE CHARMING IF SHE DON’T LIKE THE COMPANY WE CAN DO IT CIN AND ME! CIN AND ME Beat.

STEPMOTHER OR THREE… OR FOUR… MAYBE MORE…

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES ONE, TWO, THREE NOT ONLY CIN AND ME

STEPMOTHER

GET ONE-EIGHTY DEGREES!

PRINCE CHARMING

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES

COUNTIN’ ONE, TWO, THREE

I’LL

(PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES)

GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE! AND SHE’LL HAVE TO AGREE

PRINCE CHARMING, STEPMOTHER, & PRINCES EVERYBODY LOVES ME!

SCENE 2—THE ROAD TO FLATBUSH

Later that day, the PRINCESSES are marching triumphantly through the forest.

#15A—Gimme More

PRINCESSES

GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!

CINDERELLA

EVERY TIME THEY TURN OUR RIGHTS DOWN

PRINCESSES

JUST WANNA GO THAT EXTRA MILE FOR YOU

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

UNITED DISPLAY OF INTENTION

PRINCESSES

FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD’S ON THE MOVE, IT’S TRUE!

BELLE

BREAKING IT DOWN WHAT WAS LOST BECOMES FOUND

PRINCESSES

WE KEEP ON MARCHING WE KEEP ON MARCHING YEAH!

SLEEPING BEAUTY

CAN’T STOP THE PASSION WHEN PROTEST’S IN FASHION

GOLDILOCKS

THE KINGDOM’S WATCHIN’

ESMERELDA

KEEP WATCHIN’ FEELS LIKE THE CROWD IS SAYING

PRINCESSES

GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE

GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!

That’s definitely a bad idea. And hold on, Clumsy’s here? I thought this was a million princess march.

CINDERELLA

Yes but we need male allies!

(on cue, arriving)

Hi! Prince Erudite.

(excitement from ALL)

The Celibate.

(deflated sighs)

PRINCE ERUDITE

I heard you’re striking!

Yes!

(eyes on CLUMSY)

So striking…

(PRINCE ERUDITE)

CINDERELLA

PRINCE ERUDITE

CINDERELLA

We’re just about to make a— do you need to talk to Clumsy?

PRINCE ERUDITE

Yes. No. What?

CLUMSY

(smitten, quill ready)

So? Who wants what?

The PRINCESSES are stumped. Unsure what to even ask for…

CINDERELLA

(off BELLE’s hand)

Yes, Belle!

BELLE

I wouldn’t say no to a set of non-verbal china…

GOLDILOCKS

More… porridge? Too big an ask? Too small? Wanna get it just right, you know me!

SNOW WHITE

A banana? Instead of the apple? (then)

Just to mix up the poisoning.

CINDERELLA

What if we think… you know, BIGGER. Anything is possible!

Silence. They’ve never allowed themselves to think this big before.

PRINCE ERUDITE

I’ll go. Can I go? What I’d want… if… anything is possible? What I’d want is… Sparks fly as CLUMSY realizes…

CLUMSY

… love.

PRINCE ERUDITE & CLUMSY

True love.

PRINCE ERUDITE nearly faints, and SNOW WHITE catches him.

Whoa! You almost fell!

I almost fell…

SNOW WHITE

PRINCE ERUDITE

SNOW WHITE

(to PRINCESS AND THE PEA)

Was he about to kiss me?!?

He was not.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

PRINCE ERUDITE steps toward CLUMSY. Taking his shot. If anything is possible…

PRINCE ERUDITE

… Can I just say, when I first saw you, I was like, oh wow, who is that short drink of water whistling while he werks?

CLUMSY

Me? Really? But… I’m so clumsy.

PRINCE ERUDITE

Not with people. I see the way you are with Snow, how you’re always taking care of her… but who’s taking care of you?

CLUMSY

… nobody?

PRINCE ERUDITE

What if… that was me?

A forever beat. SNOW WHITE moves to CLUMSY and whispers in his ear—

SNOW WHITE

Kiss him!

And that’s exactly what he does, to cheers!

CINDERELLA

THAT is the kind of change we’re looking for! So? What do you all want, for your stories?

The PRINCESSES are now inspired.

I’m going to become a knight!

Cheers for every idea!

Librarian!

Allergist!

Beautician!

Taxidermist!

RAPUNZEL

BELLE

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

SLEEPING BEAUTY

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD

ESMERELDA

Snow, I know you don’t get a fairy godmother and this isn’t a competition BUT you generally need to be in some kind of distress to summon one, so yeah… dark forest, by myself. And look, if I can’t find her, I’ll be back by midnight. That’s kinda my thing. (then)

You’re in charge!

SNOW WHITE Me?!?

CINDERELLA

Snow. You’re so much more than just the fairest…

With that, CINDERELLA sets off on the path into the forest. SNOW WHITE watches her go.

SCENE 3—ROAD TO STORY’S END

CINDERELLA wanders, lost.

O.F.G.! O.F.G.! O.F.—

CINDERELLA

PRINCE CHARMING (appearing)

How about O–F–Me?

CINDERELLA

What are you doing here?

I came to rescue you.

… from what?

PRINCE CHARMING

CINDERELLA

PRINCE CHARMING

From this weird thing you’re doing! Cin. Remember when I said I knew what you were missing? I know what it is, now!

(dramatic pause)

Me! At book club! I want us to come. And never leave. It can be all of us, together, in the castle. Team Charming! (then)

1, 2, 3—

Gonna stop you there, no. Not even close. I have to go now.

CINDERELLA turns to leave, and PRINCE CHARMING follows, baffled.

But your Stepmother said if I—

SHH, PLEASE GIVE ME JUST THIS KISS, O–O–OH He kisses her. Sincere.

CINDERELLA

CINDERELLA’S GOT TO…

Beat, then she hands him her other slipper and PRINCE CHARMING realizes—

PRINCE CHARMING

… go.

With that, he lets CINDERELLA go.

The NARRATOR and STEPFAMILY are watching, unseen.

STEPMOTHER

Welp, we tried!

(motioning to STEPSISTERS)

Guess it’s time to consider other girls—

NARRATOR

You’re right.

STEPMOTHER I am?

BETANY

She is?

Who are we talking about?

BELINDA

NARRATOR

It doesn’t have to be Cinderella. Any of those girls would do, in a pinch—

STEPMOTHER

No, I meant, girls who haven’t turned their backs on everything you’ve done for them, girls who’ve stuck by you through thick and thin.

She pushes the STEPSISTERS forward.

But who?

NARRATOR

STEPMOTHER

But who?! (then)

I wonder if there are any other girls we aren’t thinking of. The answer could be right under our noses. Sisters? Are there sisters—

NARRATOR

I’ve got it.

STEPMOTHER (instant pivot)

Yes?

NARRATOR

The old woman, who lives in the shoe!

STEPMOTHER

Oh I don’t think that would work. There’s the age difference, plus she has so many children—

BELINDA

Yeah, I babysat for her once, and I actually sat on a baby. Because they’re everywhere

NARRATOR

Wait, I’ve solved it!

You have?

Your daughters!

… who?

STEPMOTHER

NARRATOR

STEPMOTHER

NARRATOR

You have a pair of daughters.

Do I? Oh, I do! How did you ever—

STEPMOTHER

NARRATOR

It just came to me.

STEPMOTHER

Genius. Lemme see if I can find them… oh look, they’re RIGHT HERE. We can do this right now!

NARRATOR (reconsidering)

Of course, those other girls, they’ll turn around eventually. And when they do…

STEPMOTHER

Don’t let them! These girls are never going to be anything but trouble for you! Banish them. Bring the movement to its knees. DESTROY THEM.

NARRATOR

Banish them?

ALL of them.

STEPMOTHER

BETANY

Easy mom…

STEPMOTHER eyes the NARRATOR. Weighs playing her strongest card…

STEPMOTHER (then)

You’ve never actually done it, have you. Banished anybody.

NARRATOR

I banished O.F.G.!

STEPMOTHER (quietly)

Oh I think we both knew she left. Just up and… “walked away”… (STEPMOTHER knows how far to push. She moves to him. Whispers in his ear, building him back up—)

You’re the Narrator. You have the power. Use it

Lights up on the movement, asleep in the campsite. The NARRATOR and STEPMOTHER now begin moving among them.

(STEPMOTHER)

BABY, CAN’T YOU HEAR YOUR CALLING A GUY LIKE YOU SHOULD WEAR A WARNING YOU’RE DANGEROUS, GO ALL IN…

(With her encouragement, NARRATOR discovers that he does indeed have the power. He moves his hand and one by one, the PRINCESSES begin to move with him, slipping under his command.)

THERE’S NO ESCAPE, I CAN’T WAIT. I NEED A HIT, BABY, GIMME IT. YOU’RE DANGEROUS I’M LOVING IT.

SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES

OTHER PRINCESSES

STEPMOTHER

TOO HIGH, CAN’T COME DOWN LOSING THEIR HEADS, SPIN THEM ROUND AND ROUND. DO YOU FEEL ME NOW?

SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES

OTHER PRINCESSES

ALL PRINCESSES AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH

STEPMOTHER

WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST THEY’RE ON A RIDE. THEY’RE TOXIC,

PRINCESSES

I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER

STEPMOTHER

WITH A TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE

STEPMOTHER & PRINCESSES

I’M ADDICTED TO YOU

STEPMOTHER

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THEY’RE TOXIC?

AND I LOVE WHAT YOU DO, DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THEY’RE TOXIC?

ALL PRINCESSES

AHHHH

STEPMOTHER

TOO HIGH CAN’T COME DOWN IT’S IN THE AIR AND IT’S ALL AROUND

CAN YOU FEEL ME NOW?

WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST THEY’RE ON A RIDE.

SCROLL CLUB (+ OTHER PRINCESSES) (HAH) HAH (AH)

(I LOVE WHAT YOU DO)

STEPMOTHER

AH AH AH AH AH

SCROLL CLUB (+ OTHER PRINCESSES)

TOO HIGH CAN’T COME DOWN (IN THE AIR ALL AROUND) (AH)

(UH UH)

STEPMOTHER, NARRATOR, PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE

YOU’RE TOXIC, I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER!

STEPMOTHER

WITH A TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE

I’M ADDICTED TO YOU

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE

AH AH

NARRATOR puppet dances his CHARACTERS.

PRINCESSES

AH AH AH AH AH

STEPMOTHER

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

ALL

INTOXICATE ME NOW WITH YOUR POWER NOW!

STEPMOTHER & NARRATOR

I THINK I’M READY NOW!

ALL

WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST THEY’RE ON A RIDE. YOU’RE TOXIC, I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER!

STEPMOTHER & NARRATOR

TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE

ALL

I’M ADDICTED TO YOU

STEPMOTHER & NARRATOR

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

AND I LOVE WHAT YOU DO

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

PRINCESSES (CLUMSY & PRINCE ERUDITE)

AH AH (TOXIC) TOXIC

PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE

LOVE WHAT YOU DO

AH AH

SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES

AH AH AH AH AH

STEPMOTHER

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, & OTHER PRINCESSES

YOU’RE TOXIC, I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER

ALL PRINCESSES

AH AH AH AH AH

STEPMOTHER

AH AH AH AHHHHHH

PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE, KNOW THAT YOU’RE, KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

WHOOSH! All of Cinderella’s FRIENDS are sent off to Story’s End, vanishing into thin air.

Silence.

#17A—Banishment

Then SNOW WHITE appears, the only princess remaining.

Where is Cinderella?

What have you done with—

NARRATOR

SNOW WHITE

NARRATOR

Where is she?!? Tell me and I’ll spare you.

SNOW WHITE sees the STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS, watching. She looks to NARRATOR.

SNOW WHITE

No.

NARRATOR considers, then...

NARRATOR

Foolish girl. Whoosh! He sends her to Story’s End.

BETANY

This is crazy! You can’t get rid of everybody!

BELINDA

Mom, tell him! What’s he doing?

… what’s necessary.

STEPMOTHER

BETANY

But it’s so… mean.

STEPMOTHER

Well… the end justifies the mean! Wake up, princesses—fairy tales are dark. This is the world we live in.

Beat, then BETANY and BELINDA rush the NARRATOR!

Bring them back!

BETANY & BELINDA

He raises his hand and places both of them under his command.

STEPMOTHER

What are you (doing)

(NARRATOR flicks them away, banishing them to Story’s End too.)

What have you done??!

NARRATOR

You a favor! How were you going to choose which daughter marries Charming? (off her silence)

… do we have a problem?

(STEPMOTHER stares, frozen.)

Good.

(then)

Happy ever after.

NARRATOR turns, and vanishes through the banishment portal without a word. STEPMOTHER screams. Primal.

CINDERELLA, returning, is drawn to the sound.

CINDERELLA

What are you doing here? Where are the girls?!?

STEPMOTHER can’t look at her. The intercom lights up, red.

NARRATOR

(V.O.)

Yes where are the girls? Where could they be…

(MORE)

(NARRATOR)

(then)

Cinderella, be at the palace by—shall we say midnight?—where you will marry Prince Charming, or join your friends in Story’s End.

Click. CINDERELLA stares at STEPMOTHER, in shock.

Oh Cinderella, I never (meant)

STEPMOTHER

CINDERELLA

GO.

#17B—Stronger (Reprise)

#18—Everytime

STEPMOTHER gathers herself, then leaves CINDERELLA alone, lost, devastated.

(CINDERELLA)

LOST MY WAY, LOST MY MIND KNEW THEM ONCE UPON A TIME I HAD IT ALL AND MAYBE I WAS HAPPY EVERYTIME I TRY TO FLY I FALL, WITHOUT MY WINGS I FEEL SO SMALL. I GUESS I NEED YOU BABY? AND EVERYTIME I SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS I SEE YOUR FACE, YOU’RE HAUNTING ME. I GUESS I NEED YOU BABY?

Oh no, you didn’t ruin it. I did. I ruined everything…

(looking at campsite)

All my friends, the other princesses, they…

(She can’t bring herself to tell the GIRL. CINDERELLA takes the book from her and reads the back cover.)

“… Happy Ever After.” That was the idea… Oh what was I thinking?!? I questioned my, well…

(re: the cover)

this, and O.F.G. made me think I could “right” my fairy tale, which was so not true… but I got all the princesses to go on strike for things like equal pay, and, what else, oh! We found out our prince was cheating on…

(realizing the GIRL’s age)

(CINDERELLA)

tests… and I thought we could improve our lives, but look where it’s gotten us. The story’s ruined…

GIRL (beat, then)

But I love your story.

CINDERELLA

I did too. The dress, the ball, the shoes, but—

GIRL

No, not that story, your NEW story. The one you just told me!

CINDERELLA (floored)

… really? You love it? But it’s not… how did you even recognize me?

GIRL

You’re Cinderella.

CINDERELLA

Am I? Look at me. I don’t even have my slippers!

CINDERELLA sits, barefoot, lost. Her sadness prompts the GIRL to take a seat next to her.

GIRL

Why can’t you get new slippers?! I have to get new shoes all the time. Look, these are too small for me now…

(At that, she takes off her shoes.)

My godmother says if you don’t change… (then)

You can’t grow.

CINDERELLA takes one of the GIRL’s shoes in her hand. Considering this new wisdom. Then…

CINDERELLA

Sounds like you have a very wise Godmother.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

(then, entering)

She has her moments.

CINDERELLA

O.F.G.! Where’ve you been?

(re: the GIRL)

Looking for her.

I was looking for you

FAIRY GODMOTHER

GIRL

CINDERELLA

Waitwaitwait, SHE’s your godmother? You live in the paradise of Flatbush?!?

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Brooklyn, baby!

CINDERELLA

Oh O.F.G., the Narrator, he’s banished everybody! What do we do? Can you get them back?

FAIRY GODMOTHER

(then, finally)

It’s not my story, Cinderella…

CINDERELLA

Then I have to go to the Narrator’s castle…

FAIRY GODMOTHER

We’re coming with you.

No way, she’s just a child!

CINDERELLA

(to the GIRL)

Don’t you want to go home?

(CINDERELLA)

GIRL

And miss this?!? I want to know how the story ends! Do you still live happy ever after? I have to know!

CINDERELLA

… so do I.

At that, they set off together for…

SCENE 5—NARRATOR’S PALACE

Where the stage is set for a grand wedding. Organ music plays as NARRATOR waits to narrate.

PRINCE CHARMING stands next to the iconic slipper. Just waiting for a certain foot.

#18A—Make Me Reprise

PRINCES AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOH! AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOH!

The clock begins to strike midnight.

Eight, nine, ten… is Cinderella not going to show?

Eleven… and CINDERELLA’s there.

O.F.G. and the GIRL perch offstage, watching. Waiting to see how the story unfolds.

Waiting to see what’s going to happen…

CINDERELLA stops at the slippers.

NARRATOR

Ah Cinderella, you’ve returned! As I knew you would. Come to your senses, and realized the glass slipper fit you all along. So now you get to decide! Marry Prince Charming… or join your friends in Story’s End.

#19—Stronger Part 1

With that he points, revealing the CHARACTERS trapped in Story’s End, frozen in slumber.

Shock and horror from the PRINCES.

PRINCE CHARMING

You didn’t tell us you banished them! How could you?

NARRATOR

But how could I not?!?

(to the room)

Any objections?

(NARRATOR)

(to CINDERELLA)

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

CINDERELLA is silent.

Lights on the GIRL, watching with STEPMOTHER, engrossed in the story happening before her…

Say something, Cinderella!

GIRL

PRINCE CHARMING

You don’t have to do this.

CINDERELLA stares at the glass slipper he’s holding.

CINDERELLA

… I do.

PRINCE CHARMING puts the slipper down, unsure.

CINDERELLA steps toward it, and him.

NARRATOR

And so it was that Cinderella and her prince Charming were married, their union sealed by true love—

CINDERELLA

Hush just STOP.

THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY

NARRATOR

You are making a terrible mistake, Cinderella!

CINDERELLA

I’VE HAD ENOUGH

I’M NOT YOUR PROPERTY AS FROM TODAY

Then you give me no choice—

NARRATOR

CINDERELLA

YOU MIGHT THINK THAT I WON’T MAKE IT

(The NARRATOR uses his power to draw CINDERELLA to him, in close, inches from his face.

The Banishment Portal appears, opening, as they battle for control.

NARRATOR waves his hand to banish CINDERELLA to Story’s End.

CINDERELLA doesn’t move.)

BUT YOU’RE WRONG

CINDERELLA raises the slipper.

(CINDERELLA)

NARRATOR

What do you think you’re doing?!?

CINDERELLA looks to the GIRL.

To O.F.G.

To the NARRATOR.

Righting a fairy tale. (then)

I! AM! STRONGER!

CINDERELLA

At that, CINDERELLA shatters her glass slipper, and it dissolves into a tornado of glitter.

The tornado sweeps up the NARRATOR, carrying him off to Story’s End through the banishment portal.

Light and color paint the stage as the PRINCESSES begin awakening. Returning…

PRINCESSES

HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE WE GO…

(The chorus grows, as more CHARACTERS are awoken by CINDERELLA’s power.)

(PRINCESSES)

HERE WE GO!

The last to return is SNOW WHITE.

SNOW WHITE ALL RIGHT!

A burst of light, and the rescued PRINCESSES link arms and step forward together.

PRINCESSES

STRONGER! STRONGER!

THAN WE EVER THOUGHT THAT WE COULD BE, BABY. WE USED TO GO WITH THE FLOW DIDN’T REALLY CARE ABOUT ME.

YOU MIGHT THINK THAT WE CAN’T TAKE IT BUT YOU’RE WRONG

STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!

IT’S NOTHING BUT OUR WAY!

OUR LONELINESS AIN’T KILLIN’ US NO MORE, WE ARE

PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!

+ PRINCES

NOW IT’S NOTHING BUT OUR WAY!

+ LITTLE MERMAID WE KNOW THAT WE CAN MAKE IT ON OUR OWN!

ALL WE ARE STRONGER!

Cin, you rescued us! How?

LITTLE MERMAID

STRONGER! …

IT’S NOTHING BUT OUR WAY!

STEPFAMILY

OUR LONELINESS AIN’T KILLING US NO MORE!

SNOW WHITE

CINDERELLA considers the pieces of the glass slipper that she’s holding. Piecing together what happened…

CINDERELLA

I broke the spell? Made a wish— and was ruthlessly specific. And here you are… (then)

My Happy Ever After… I couldn’t imagine it without you all here.

LITTLE MERMAID

Hear, hear! (stunned)

I CAN SPEAK!

Pure joy as the kingdom realizes that LITTLE MERMAID’s voice has been restored!

We all live happy ever after!

SNOW WHITE

RAPUNZEL

Except him.

Lights on the NARRATOR, trapped in Story’s End.

PRINCESSES

(faux dulcet tones)

Sorry…

CINDERELLA

No. I don’t think that’s the story we want to tell. The PRINCESSES consider. SNOW WHITE steps forward. Speaking for all of them.

SNOW WHITE

She’s right.

CINDERELLA

(to FAIRY GODMOTHER)

Can you give him a chance to right his fairy tale?

FAIRY GODMOTHER

You can.

She hands CINDERELLA her wand. Beat, then CINDERELLA waves it and…

NARRATOR is freed.

What… how did…

(seeing FAIRY GODMOTHER)

NARRATOR

You! Of course you’re behind this! I knew I smelled insubordination!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh, my perfume? It’s called “Curious.” Which you must be on some level, about why all of this is happening?

NARRATOR pauses. If he’s honest… he is curious. As he considers—the GIRL bounds forward.

I am! Finish the story!

Who is this?!?

A reader!

GIRL

LITTLE MERMAID

NARRATOR

CINDERELLA

Yes. This is one of our most clever readers. She’s the person who taught me that we can change our stories.

NARRATOR (to the GIRL)

But you don’t like change!

GIRL

Says who?!? I love this story!

NARRATOR (floored)

You do?!?

Yes! And I love your voice!

GIRL

NARRATOR

You do?

(resonant)

… you do?

NARRATOR’s world is rocked. Everything he thought he knew. Changed.

We can change our stories. (then)

So what will be yours?

CINDERELLA

NARRATOR

I’m just the Narrator. I don’t have a story. I don’t even have a name.

SNOW WHITE

So pick a name!

Encouragement from ALL. Pick a name!

NARRATOR

… Steve?

CINDERELLA (“huh”)

Steve. Ok. Sure.

The CHARACTERS try to rall around “Steve” as his name. The NARRATOR looks around this new kingdom.

Trying to process the change.

NARRATOR

Well perhaps… a few adjustments could be made around here. A bit of fine tuning…

STEPMOTHER

But that’s what I’ve been trying to tell “Steve” for hundreds of years! I’ve been trying! In my way, I’ve…

FAIRY GODMOTHER

You did what you could with what you thought you had.

Yes, exactly, I… (then, genuine)

Thank you.

STEPMOTHER

GIRL

What happens now?!?

CINDERELLA

We start over. We have to build something… new. Magical. (looking to O.F.G.)

Our own Flat Bush.

#20—Stronger Part 2

NARRATOR

Tell me what you want—all of you. I’ll write it down! Steve presents, “New Fairy Tales, for a New Age!”

CINDERELLA

No. We need to write our own stories. To figure out what happy ever after means to each of us. Come on. Let’s turn the page. Together.

NARRATOR considers her offer. A fresh start. This new beginning.

… this is hard!

We can do this.

NARRATOR

PRINCE CHARMING

CINDERELLA Together.

WE ARE STRONGER

SNOW WHITE

THAN WE EVER THOUGHT THAT WE COULD BE

PRINCE CHARMING

I USED TO GO WITH THE FLOW

STEPMOTHER

ONLY EVER CARED ABOUT ME

CINDERELLA

(approaching the NARRATOR)

YOU MIGHT THINK THAT WE WON’T MAKE IT

NARRATOR considers, as ALL watch to see what he’ll do.

NARRATOR

(then)

… BUT I’M WRONG.

COMPANY

YOU ARE STRONGER…

At that, NARRATOR removes the ornate key from round his neck, and hands it to CINDERELLA.

CINDERELLA looks to the GIRL, standing with O.F.G. Gestures for her to come. When she does…

CINDERELLA places the key around her neck.

At that, the orb containing the Great Quill begins to descend…

CINDERELLA

Once upon a time there was a girl who wanted…

The GIRL moves center stage with her book, and sits, opening it…

Fairness?

Comfort?

Beauty?

Bravery?

SNOW WHITE

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

SLEEPING BEAUTY

RAPUNZEL

Love?

CLUMSY & PRINCE ERUDITE

BETANY

Friendship?

Confidence?

Family?

BELINDA

STEPMOTHER

LITTLE MERMAID

… a voice?

CINDERELLA watches the GIRL.

Considers. Has her answer.

It ALL.

CINDERELLA

FAIRY GODMOTHER

(to CINDERELLA)

Atta girl. (taking the GIRL’s hand)

And now it’s time for us to go. We’ve got more work to do in America. She gathers herself to leave.

CINDERELLA

COMPANY

GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME

OTHER COMPANY

EV’RY TIME THEY TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

EV’RY TIME THEY TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN GIVE ME A SIGN,

GIVE ME A SIGN,

COMPANY

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH

(COMPANY)

I CAN’T TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE NO MORE NEVER FELT LIKE FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE COME ON GET ME, GET ME ON THE FLOOR DJ WHAT YOU WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?

WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH

SEE THE SUNLIGHT WE AIN’T STOPPING

KEEP ON DANCING TILL THE WORLDS ENDS

IF YOU FEEL IT LET IT HAPPEN

KEEP ON DANCING TILL THE WORLDS ENDS KEEP ON DANCING TILL THE WORLDS ENDS

KEEP ON DANCING

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME! Confetti cannons explode and a thousand live tigers are released into the theater.