Once Upon a One More Time libretto

Libretto Vocal Book

Based on the music performed and recorded by

Britney Spears Book by

Jon Hartmere

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THANK YOU! Book © 2021, 2023 Jon Hartmere All rights reserved.

(Last Revised—August 2024)

C ha r a c t e r s

Cinderella Prince Charming Stepmother Narrator Fairy Godmother (The O.F.G.) Snow White Belinda and Betany Prince Erudite Clumsy Girl

Princesses: Belle, Rapunzel, Esmerelda, Sleeping Beauty, Gretel, Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks, Princess and the Pea, Little Mermaid Princes: Prince Brawny, Prince Ebullient, Prince Mischievous, Prince Gregarious, Prince Suave, Prince Affable

—i—

M us ic a l N u mb e r s Act I 0.

Prologue............................................................................................................. 1

1.

…One More Time............................................................................................... 2

1A.

Happy Ever After. . ............................................................................................. 6

2.

Make Me….. ........................................................................................................ 9

2A.

Make Me Playoff.............................................................................................. 12

2B.

Scroll Club........................................................................................................ 13

3.

Lucky................................................................................................................ 17

3A.

OFG Magic . . ...................................................................................................... 21

4.

Work Bitch. . ...................................................................................................... 27

4A.

To Snow’s Cottage.. .......................................................................................... 31

5.

Boys / Pretty Girls........................................................................................... 36

5A.

The Ball Underscore. . ....................................................................................... 38

6.

Circus. . .............................................................................................................. 42

7.

Sometimes.. ....................................................................................................... 47

8.

Oops!… I Did It Again..................................................................................... 50

8A.

Oops Playoff..................................................................................................... 51

9.

From the Bottom of My Broken Heart.. ........................................................... 53

9A.

Transition to Dressmaking.............................................................................. 60

10.

Slave 4 U / Piece of Me.. .................................................................................. 63

10A. Oops… Again................................................................................................... 69 11.

Womanizer....................................................................................................... 70

12.

Scream & Shout / I Wanna Go........................................................................ 75

—ii—

M us ic a l Nu mb e r s ( Co n t ’ d ) Act II 13.

Entr’acte. . .......................................................................................................... 81

14.

Crazy.. ............................................................................................................... 81

14A. Crazy Playoff. . .................................................................................................. 83 15.

3.. ....................................................................................................................... 89

15A. Gimme More. . ................................................................................................... 93 15B.

Sometimes Underscore.................................................................................... 96

16.

Cinderella....................................................................................................... 100

17.

Toxic............................................................................................................... 106

17A. Banishment..................................................................................................... 109 17B.

Stronger (Reprise).......................................................................................... 111

18.

Everytime....................................................................................................... 111

18A. Make Me Reprise. . .......................................................................................... 116 19.

Stronger Part 1.. .............................................................................................. 116

20.

Stronger Part 2.. .............................................................................................. 123

21.

Bows (I Wanna Go)........................................................................................ 127

22.

Megamix......................................................................................................... 127

23.

Exit Music. . ..................................................................................................... 128

—iii—

Once Upon

a

One More Time

ACT I SCENE 1—OPENING In darkness, a CHILD makes a timeless request—

GIRL (V.O.) Read me a story…

The SHADOW of an older woman asks—

FAIRY GODMOTHER (off) Which story?

At this, our NARRATOR appears, wearing a golden key around his neck. He cups his hands, reaching across time and space to whisper to the child—

NARRATOR A fairy tale…

Lights up on the GIRL, holding an ornate tome.

“ONCE UPON A TIME…” is written large on the cover. “… HAPPY EVER AFTER” on the back.

GIRL A fairy tale!

Pleased, the NARRATOR reaches into a pocket… then blows fairy dust to paint the night sky. A canvas of stars begins twinkling.

He turns toward a most fantastic orb, center stage. A quill sits inside, resting atop a bound scroll. Both inarguably magical…

A final glance around… then he raises the orb skyward.

#0 —P r ol og u e As the GIRL opens the book, the quill lights up, and the NARRATOR springs into action.

— 1 —

— 2 —

Once Upon

a

One More Time

NARRATOR Ready all! The child is choosing! Anybody’s tale could be chosen tonight! Whose will it be???

At this, PRINCESSES appear, in shadow. Hands, gestures, pieces of iconic costumes.

The GIRL flips the page. The quill pulses and the NARRATOR calls for—

#1 —… O n e M or e T i m e

NARRATOR Snow White!

SNOW WHITE steps forward, pitching her story to the child.

SNOW WHITE OH BABY, BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT SOMETHING WASN’T RIGHT HERE?

Page flip! SLEEPING BEAUTY’s up!

NARRATOR Sleeping Beauty!

SLEEPING BEAUTY OH BABY, BABY, I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET YOU GO AND NOW YOU’RE OUT OF SIGHT YEAH

PRINCESSES begin moving toward the GIRL, auditioning for her, hoping to be chosen.

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY SHOW ME

SNOW & BEAUTY HOW YOU WANT ME CHOOSE ME

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY TELL ME BABY

SNOW & BEAUTY ‘CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW NOW,

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY OH BECAUSE

Once Upon

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One More Time

ALL PRINCESSES MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME

GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, & BELLE AND I

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY I MUST CONFESS, I STILL BELIEVE

ALL PRINCESSES (EXCEPT SNOW & BEAUTY) STILL BELIEVE!

SNOW, BEAUTY, & RAPUNZEL IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL LOSE MY MIND!

ALL PRINCESSES GIVE ME A SIGN! PICK ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!

Page flip! The GIRL is still undecided. She flips to—

NARRATOR Princess and the Pea, you’re up!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA OH BABY, BABY, THE REASON I SLEEP IS YOU PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME STRANDED

NARRATOR Rapunzel!

RAPUNZEL OH SAY ME BABY I’VE GOT SUCH A TOWERING NEED! I’M NOT SURE I CAN STAND IT!

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY SHOW ME

SNOW, BEAUTY, & RAPUNZEL HOW YOU WANT ME

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY CHOOSE ME TELL ME BABY

— 3 —

— 4 —

Once Upon

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One More Time

SNOW, BEAUTY, & RAPUNZEL ‘CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW NOW

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY OH BECAUSE

ALL PRINCESSES MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME

GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, & BELLE AND I

RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY I MUST CONFESS, I STILL BELIEVE

PEA, RAPUNZEL, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, & BELLE STILL BELIEVE!

SNOW, BEAUTY, LITTLE, GOLDILOCKS, & GRETEL IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL LOSE MY MIND!

ALL PRINCESSES GIVE ME A SIGN! PICK ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!

EVERYBODY leans in, breathless. But the GIRL is still undecided.

FAIRY GODMOTHER (off) Ok, sweetie, maybe it’s time to go to (bed)—

GIRL NO! Cinderella!

FAIRY GODMOTHER (off) Ah yes, Cinderella…

Lights up on a slipper. The quill pulses and CINDERELLA is slowly revealed…

CINDERELLA OH BABY, BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & RED OOH

Once Upon

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One More Time

— 5 —

CINDERELLA pauses before bending to retrieve her iconic slipper. Considering.

PEA, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, & LITTLE OOH

CINDERELLA, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & LITTLE RED OH PRETTY BABY,

PEA, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, LITTLE, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & RED HA AH

CINDERELLA

PEA, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, LITTLE, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & RED

I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET YOU GO

AAH

CINDERELLA I MUST CONFESS THAT MY LONELINESS IS KILLIN’ ME NOW, DON’T YOU KNOW I STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL BE HERE AND GIVE ME A SIGN

PRINCE CHARMING enters with STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS. ONCE UPON A ONE MORE TIME!

CINDERELLA, STEPFAMILY, & PRINCESSES I MUST CONFESS THAT MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME NOW DON’T YOU KNOW I STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL BE HERE AND GIVE ME A SIGN

Charming’s PRINCES join him, and the full glory of Cinderella’s castle is revealed.

CINDERELLA, STEPFAMILY, CHARMING, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, CLUMSY, & PRINCES

ALL OTHERS

LET’S GET TO YES!

MY LONELINESS

MY TALE’S THE BEST!

IS KILLING ME (AND I!)

IT’S THRILLING AND WOW

I MUST CONFESS

DON’T YOU KNOW

I STILL BELIEVE

YOU WON’T BELIEVE

(STILL BELIEVE!)

THE THINGS THAT YOU’LL HEAR

IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL LOSE MY MIND

HERE IF YOU PICK MINE

GIVE ME A SIGN

— 6 —

Once Upon

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One More Time

ALL ONCE UPON A! ONCE UPON A!

CINDERELLA, STEPMOTHER, SNOW, BEAUTY, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, BELLE, CHARMING, SUAVE, & CLUMSY ONCE UPON A!

BETANY, BELINDA, PEA, LITTLE, RAPUNZEL, ERUDITE, AFFABLE, GREGARIOUS, MISCHIEVOUS, & BRAWNY ONCE UPON A!

ALL GIVE ME A SIGN! ONCE UPON A ONE MORE TIME!

Jazz hands! Fan kicks! Razzle dazzle!

They’ve left it all on the floor. The NARRATOR looks to check. Have they done it???!

#1 A — H a p p y Ev e r A f t e r SFX: Snoring.

NARRATOR And… she’s asleep! Child’s asleep! Well done, everybody. All characters are now released.

Suddenly, it’s like a set being struck. We are now backstage in the world of fairy tales.

Thank you all, and happy ever after.

ALL Happy ever after.

That’s the “aloha” of the kingdom.

Once Upon

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One More Time

— 7 —

SCENE 2—BACKSTAGE STORY LAND PRINCE CHARMING sweeps through, trailed by STEPSISTERS and STEPMOTHER.

STEPMOTHER There he is, girls. And Cinderella’s nowhere to be found. Belinda, Betany! Showtime. Like we practiced!

(instructions!)

Silly giggle. Hair flip. You’re hard to get! But easy to love. Eyes aflutter! Tums aflatter! GO.

She pushes them toward PRINCE CHARMING… who blows right on by them.

BELINDA (to STEPMOTHER) I thought that went well.

BETANY Same!

STEPMOTHER Ugh.

They exit as PRINCE CHARMING moves to CINDERELLA.

PRINCE CHARMING Hi! How’s my favorite 8 1/2 narrow?

CINDERELLA Oh hi! She is… thinking.

PRINCE CHARMING Thinking? Ugh. Why?

CINDERELLA I was wondering—

PRINCE CHARMING How my biceps can be this big?

— 8 —

Once Upon

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One More Time

CINDERELLA No. Well, sorta… but no, I just, I was thinking about us! And… would you ever want to come to Scroll Club?

PRINCE CHARMING Scroll Club?

CINDERELLA Yeah! The girls and I get together every waxing gibbous moon to talk about the stories in the Great Scroll.

(CINDERELLA points up to the Orb, containing the Great Scroll…)

I thought if you and I did more things (together)—

PRINCE CHARMING Ha! Oh. You’re serious. I don’t “read.”

CINDERELLA Really? As Prince, don’t you think you should—

He puts his fingers over her lips.

PRINCE CHARMING Shhh. Let me tell you how the world works. I’m not paid to think. Neither are you.

You’re paid to be pretty, and I’m paid to be charming.

CINDERELLA What do you mean, paid? I don’t get paid—

PRINCE CHARMING You don’t? Per story? Huh.

CINDERELLA … wait, do you get paid for this work—

PRINCE CHARMING Shh. Maybe. It doesn’t matter. What matters is us. You. Me. Happy ever after.

(seeing her frown) Hey, smile! There. You’re so much prettier when you smile…

CINDERELLA sits in her smile.

Once Upon

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One More Time

CINDERELLA … do you ever feel like something’s… missing? In our story? It’s just… never mind. I’m being so silly!

PRINCE CHARMING No, what’s up?

CINDERELLA Really? I guess I’ve been feeling weirdly… flat, lately? And you don’t have to fix it— just having somebody to listen—

PRINCE CHARMING I know what it is. What you’re missing.

CINDERELLA … you do?

PRINCE CHARMING A baby.

#2 —M a k e M e

CINDERELLA What?

PRINCE CHARMING A baby. Like a small human? Storks bring them?

CINDERELLA I know what a baby is—

PRINCE CHARMING Great. Let’s do this!

(He snaps his fingers. A candlelit table appears. Mood lighting.)

CIN?

CINDERELLA … yes?

— 9 —

— 10 —

Once Upon

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One More Time

PRINCE CHARMING BEEN DREAMIN’ A MILE A MINUTE ‘BOUT THIS, PRINCESS THIS FEELIN’ I WANNA GO WITH IT LET’S BEGIN THIS AND KISS TILL A BIRDIE BRINGS A CHILD A CHARMING CHILD

CINDERELLA So actually, I’m not sure that’s—

PRINCE CHARMING JUST WANT YOU TO MAKE ME MOVE, LIKE IT AIN’T A CHOICE FOR YOU, LIKE YOU GOT A JOB TO DO. JUST WANT YOU TO RAISE MY ROOF,

A band of PRINCES appears, to serenade CINDERELLA.

PRINCE CHARMING SOMETHING SENSATIONAL,

PRINCES SOMETHING SENSATIONAL, –SATIONAL

AND MAKE ME OOOH…

AND MAKE ME OOOH…

CINDERELLA But see the thing is—

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH OH BABY ‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE FLAME I CAN’T DO WITHOUT MY HEART’S ON FIRE WHEN YOU’RE AROUND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

PRINCES (spoken) YEAH, CHARMING.

PRINCE CHARMING (spoken) I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE DRESSED TO CLEAN OR IN A BALL GOWN PRINCESS OR PEASANT FROM A SMALL TOWN SAID I’M READY TO GIVE YOU MY ALL NOW

Once Upon

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One More Time

(PRINCE CHARMING) WE BOTH KNOW HOW THE STORY GOES YOU SHOW UP AT MY CASTLE IN YOUR PUMPKIN, WILLIN’ I SPIN YOU AROUND LIKE YOU’RE RUMPELSTILTSKIN WIN YOUR HEART WHILE I’M BUMPIN’ OFF VILLAINS TAKE YOUR BROOM, SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET SLIDE ‘EM IN SLIPPERS, NOW BOOM, YOU’RE ELITE TOGETHER FOREVER, THE MINUTE WE MEET YOU MAKE ME YOUR PRINCE AND I MAKE YOU COMPLETE! ONCE UPON A TIME WENT AND MADE YOU MINE WELL WORTH THE HUNT FOR YOU IT’S A CHARMING GESTURE, YEAH, I KNOW MIGHT FORGET A FACE BUT I REMEMBER TOES

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES HEY!

PRINCE CHARMING CIN, I NEED YOU, AND I CAN SAVE YOU OVER AND OVER, I’M ABLE TO RESCUE YOU FROM YOUR STABLE, SO LET’S GO, YEAH SAID I NEED YOU, AND I CAN SAVE YOU I’LL SLAY THE DRAGON IN YOUR FABLE SO FOLLOW ME TO MY GABLE

PRINCES AND MAKE ME

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

CINDERELLA But that isn’t—

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

CINDERELLA (shouting) That’s not part of our story!

— 11 —

— 12 —

Once Upon

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One More Time

(The song stops abruptly.)

(CINDERELLA) Nowhere in our story do we oooh, or get a baby, from a stork. We just… get married and live happy ever after.

#2 A — M a k e M e ( P l a y o f f )

PRINCE CHARMING (dry) Oh, is that all? Isn’t that the dream, Cin?

NARRATOR (entering) While we’ve got a break between children—notes.

(checking) Charming, none. What can I say? I was charmed.

PRINCE CHARMING Bibbidi Bobbidi Boom.

NARRATOR turns to CINDERELLA, fingers steepled. PRINCE CHARMING takes his cue to leave.

NARRATOR Cinderella. Is everything all right, dear?

CINDERELLA … yes? Never better! Why?

NARRATOR Well, you were late, picking up the slipper.

CINDERELLA Was I?

Once Upon

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One More Time

— 13 —

NARRATOR Yes. Cinderella. I’ve been doing this a long time. And believe me, if I change so much as an intonation, the children go full Rumpelstiltskin. They object, loudly. They want things the same, every time. Don’t overthink it.

(off CINDERELLA’s frown) Oh and don’t furrow your brow! We want you delivering lines, not wearing them. There.

Better.

(exiting) Happy ever after.

CINDERELLA Happy ever… Real quick though, this is happy ever after— right?

CHARACTERS turn, astonished. CINDERELLA has said the unthinkable.

NARRATOR Of course this is— Clear the room, please!

EVERYBODY vanishes. NARRATOR turns to CINDERELLA for an explanation.

CINDERELLA Sorry… it’s just, I mean, I get the glass slippers, which are stunning, if a bit nonbreathable, and the dress, which is GORGEOUS, if again, a bit non-breathable, and I win the prince—Charming!—he’s wonderful, we marry, and it’s happy ever after… So why do I feel so… lonely? Does this make any sense?

NARRATOR It does not.

CINDERELLA Ok. Sorry. It’s obviously me. Thank you for—

NARRATOR Good talk.

He’s gone.

CINDERELLA Listening.

#2 B — Sc r ol l C l ub

— 14 —

Once Upon

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One More Time

SCENE 3—SNOW WHITE’S COTTAGE PRINCESS AND THE PEA, SLEEPING BEAUTY, RAPUNZEL, and LITTLE MERMAID are snacking, seated on miniature chairs.

SNOW WHITE enters and sets down a crumble that nobody touches.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Snow, you have no full-size furniture? At least when Goldilocks hosts we have options…

You look well-rested, Sleeping Beauty, must be nice! P.S., tiara? To Scroll Club?

SLEEPING BEAUTY I like wearing my tiara. Just like you like wearing that frown. And a pretty basic bustle.

SNOW WHITE (moving right along!)

Ok! I thought we’d read a bit of Little Mermaid’s tale out loud, to get things going.

The PRINCESSES unroll scrolls. It’s… a process.

RAPUNZEL Her story’s in the middle right?

Searching, searching…

SNOW WHITE Medium middle. Well, medium center middle.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA People, it’s more lower secondary center middle than medium center middle.

SLEEPING BEAUTY There has got to be a better way…

CINDERELLA rushes in, carrying a plate.

CINDERELLA Sorry!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Don’t be, but would it kill you to bring a warm hors d’oeuvre? It’s not like you don’t have the money.

Once Upon

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— 15 —

SNOW WHITE We’re fine— I made my famous Apple Crumble! Why’s nobody eating?

SLEEPING BEAUTY Snow, sweetie, where’d you get the apples? For the crumble?

SNOW WHITE Oh this delightful old woman was selling—

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Clumsy? You have to watch her.

CLUMSY, a dwarf, hurries in.

CLUMSY I’m trying!

He takes the poisonous dessert and begins stacking their plates, waiter style.

SLEEPING BEAUTY Oh, I’m not sure if that’s such a great idea!

CLUMSY Why?

SLEEPING BEAUTY Because…

(hearing him fall) that.

RAPUNZEL We should start. I gotta braid this before my story’s read and obviously that’s my whole day.

SNOW WHITE Little? It’s your tale. You wanna kick us off?

LITTLE MERMAID points to her throat.

RAPUNZEL She can’t speak.

— 16 —

Once Upon

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SNOW WHITE Oh, right! I forgot!

RAPUNZEL But… we’ve read her story, like, a million times. You know her.

SNOW WHITE I’m the fairest. I never claimed to be the smartest.

CINDERELLA is staring into space.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Where are you today, Cin? You’re like in another kingdom.

CINDERELLA I… It’s nothing, honestly. Not gonna complain.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Good, ‘cause I mean, you got it pretty easy storywise. You get locked in a room and then you almost miss a party.

CINDERELLA Ok, I don’t just “almost miss a party.” My stepmother abuses me.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Snow’s stepmother sends a huntsman to bring back her lungs and liver. So she can eat them.

SNOW WHITE shrugs, smiles. Winner.

LITTLE MERMAID signs.

CINDERELLA No, enough about me. We’re supposed to be talking about your story, Little!

RAPUNZEL Can we talk about the trade she makes with the Sea Witch? So it’s her voice, and her tongue—

SLEEPING BEAUTY For legs!

Once Upon

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One More Time

SNOW WHITE Sounds fair.

SLEEPING BEAUTY Exactly. I mean, who are we without our princes?!?

Full-throated agreement from the other PRINCESSES. They are nothing without them.

CINDERELLA … but it’s her voice. There’s nothing else you could trade?

SLEEPING BEAUTY (translating) My voice is all I have.

CINDERELLA Which is exactly why you shouldn’t trade it! I just… Ok. You save a prince’s life.

(off LITTLE MERMAID’s nod) When he wakes, he sees another princess, and thinks she saved him.

(LITTLE MERMAID nods, “yep, frustrating!”)

So he marries her. Then you’re given the choice to either kill him or be killed.

(”Yup, what are you gonna do?”)

So you decide to give up your own life?

(LITTLE MERMAID taps her nose. Bingo.)

Even though you’ve never spoken to this man because you traded your voice for legs.

SNOW WHITE Yes! What has gotten into you, Cin?

CINDERELLA I don’t know. I mean…

#3 —Luc ky … is that, is this, is any of it… definitely happy ever after?

— 17 —

— 18 —

Once Upon

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One More Time

(CINDERELLA) (off their shock) You’ve never wondered that?

(Over the top protestation. No way!)

Ok. Sorry. Nevermind. It’s just…

(then) Sometimes I do think gosh, maybe I’d like to, I dunno, wear a dress that I picked out to the party, or stay out past midnight, or…

Lights on each PRINCESS as she finishes CINDERELLA’s forbidden thought…

SNOW WHITE Not get poisoned…

RAPUNZEL (touching her braid) Rock my natural curls…

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Sleep through the night…

SLEEPING BEAUTY Have a drama-free christening…

LITTLE MERMAID (MIMED) Speak…

CINDERELLA But maybe it’s just me…?

EV’RY MORNING, SHE WAKES UP.

RAPUNZEL YANK, YANK, YANK ON HER HAIR

SLEEPING BEAUTY IT’S TIME FOR MAKEUP,

PRINCESS AND THE PEA PERFECT SMILE.

Once Upon

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One More Time

SNOW WHITE ALWAYS FAIREST OF THE FAIR THEY GO,

PRINCESSES “ISN’T SHE LOVELY, THIS FAIRY TALE GIRL?”

SNOW & BEAUTY AND THEY SAY,

PRINCESSES “SHE’S SO LUCKY, SHE’S A STAR.” BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART, THINKIN’, IF THERE’S NOTHIN’ MISSING IN MY LIFE, THEN WHY DO THESE TEARS COME AT NIGHT?

CINDERELLA

SLEEPING BEAUTY

LOST IN AN IMAGE,

IMAGE

PEA & RAPUNZEL IN A DREAM,

SNOW & MERMAID (MIMED) BUT THERE’S NO ONE THERE TO WAKE HER UP.

CIN, SNOW, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, & LITTLE AND THE WORLD KEEPS SPINNIN’

PRINCESSES AND SHE KEEPS ON WINNIN’

CINDERELLA BUT TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENS IF IT STOPS?

RAPUNZEL THEY GO,

PRINCESSES “ISN’T SHE LOVELY, THIS FAIRY TALE GIRL?” AND THEY SAY, “SHE’S SO LUCKY, SHE’S A STAR.” BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART, THINKIN’, IF THERE’S NOTHIN’ MISSING IN MY LIFE, THEN WHY DO THESE TEARS COME AT NIGHT?

— 19 —

— 20 —

Once Upon

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We enter a memory—Cinderella’s wedding. PRINCES appear as PRINCE CHARMING’s groomsmen.

ERUDITE, SUAVE, & AFFABLE

GREGARIOUS, MISCHIEVOUS, & BRAWNY OH OH!

AY, AY, UH-OH-YEAH!

OH OH!

AY, AY, UH-OH-YEAH!

OH OH!

NARRATOR And so it was that Cinderella and her Prince Charming were married, their union sealed with true love’s kiss.

PRINCE CHARMING kisses CINDERELLA, to applause!

PRINCE CHARMING “ISN’T SHE LUCKY, THIS FAIRY TALE GIRL?”

PRINCE CHARMING riffs and the PRINCES sing backup for the PRINCESSES:

PRINCESSES SHE IS SO LUCKY, BUT WHY DOES SHE CRY? IF THERE IS NOTHIN’ MISSING IN HER LIFE, WHY DO TEARS COME AT NIGHT? AND THEY SAY, “SHE’S SO LUCKY, SHE’S A STAR.” BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART, THINKIN’, IF THERE’S NOTHIN’ MISSIN’ IN MY LIFE, THEN WHY DO THESE TEARS COME AT NIGHT?

Silence as the dream ends. Just as the PRINCESSES are about to speak, they hear over an intercom—

NARRATOR (off) Snow White, to the Huntsman scene!

And the opportunity is lost.

SNOW WHITE Ugh. I hate doing that scene. Sorry, ladies.

All PRINCESSES start gathering their things.

SLEEPING BEAUTY Great seeing you, Snow. Thanks for hosting.

Once Upon

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— 21 —

The PRINCESSES exit. SNOW WHITE stops CINDERELLA.

SNOW WHITE Hey, you seem “stuck.” Doc gives me pills for when I get like that. Want me to—

(off CINDERELLA’s “no”) Ok, well… here. I made this. Maybe keep it, to remind you?

SNOW WHITE hands CINDERELLA a needlepoint.

CINDERELLA “Happy ever after.” That’s not how you spell “after.” Or “ever.” Or “happy.”

SNOW WHITE Huh. I guess neither of us knows what happy ever after’s supposed to look like…

(then, chipper) All right, I gotta go get chased through the woods by a terrifying man in pitch blackness!

SNOW WHITE exits, leaving CINDERELLA alone on a forest path.

#3 A — O F G M a g i c

CINDERELLA Once upon a time… once upon a time there was a girl who wanted…

(then) … more?

Poof! A book appears. But CINDERELLA has no idea what it is.

What’s this?!

FAIRY GODMOTHER (appearing) It’s called a book! It’s like a scroll but—

CINDERELLA screams as an unfamiliar woman (O.F.G.) materializes.

CINDERELLA Who are you?!

— 22 —

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FAIRY GODMOTHER Fairy Godmother.

CINDERELLA Not mine!

FAIRY GODMOTHER No. I’m the O.F.G.—the Original Fairy (Godmother)—

CINDERELLA The Notorious O.F.G.?! Butbutbut… you got banished!

FAIRY GODMOTHER (winking) … did I?

NARRATOR (off) Ok, from Snow’s chase, and Huntsman, this time let’s really sell the terror!

O.F.G. turns the intercom off.

CINDERELLA We can’t turn the intercom off! How will I know if the Narrator’s looking for me?

FAIRY GODMOTHER Sweetie, I want YOU to look for you. I’ve been waiting forever for a princess in this kingdom to ask for something that didn’t involve fabric.

(re: new book) Open it!

CINDERELLA does, amazed. It’s lit from within, illuminating her face…

CINDERELLA Oh, it’s a scroll! But bound! It’s so portable! And NUMBERED parchment?! So clever!

This is the best thing since—

FAIRY GODMOTHER Sliced bread?

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— 23 —

CINDERELLA (stunned) You can slice bread?!

(reading the book’s title) “The Feminine Mystique,” by Betty Friedan.

(checking the dust jacket) What kind of witch is she?

FAIRY GODMOTHER She’s not a witch.

CINDERELLA I think I know a witch when I see one! This woman is well past her prime, yet retains power? And she’s obviously written a spellbook, so—

FAIRY GODMOTHER Cinderella. The stories you’ve been reading, and living… they can be deeply problematic.

Towards certain people.

CINDERELLA (horrified) Like who?

FAIRY GODMOTHER Well… kinda everybody. They just can give you a very warped view of the world.

The real world. Out there, beyond Story’s End.

CINDERELLA Beyond Story’s End? You escaped Story’s End?

FAIRY GODMOTHER I did. With Princess Betty. She and I made our way to a fabulous little kingdom called “Flatbush.”

CINDERELLA Wait you know Princess Betty?

— 24 —

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FAIRY GODMOTHER I do! I know her quite well. As can you…

O.F.G. opens the book for her.

CINDERELLA “The Problem That Has No Name”… “The problem lay buried, unspoken… It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction…”

(pointing, THIS!) “She was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question, ‘Is this all?’” This feels like it was written specifically for me!

FAIRY GODMOTHER A lot of women felt that way.

CINDERELLA And a woman wrote this. You’re not pulling my slipper.

FAIRY GODMOTHER Sweetie… women do write.

(O.F.G. waves her wand, creating a fairy tale slide show. First up—a wood carving of Margaret Atwood.)

And they influence…

A portrait of an elven Oprah.

CINDERELLA Ooh. She looks powerful.

FAIRY GODMOTHER She is. Fun fact: loves sliced bread.

(then) And they agitate.

A suffragette raises a fist.

CINDERELLA What’s she doing?

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— 25 —

FAIRY GODMOTHER Striking. For the right to vote!

CINDERELLA Women can strike? Women can VOTE?!? Oh my goodness, where is this place?! This “Flat Bush”?

FAIRY GODMOTHER It’s in a land called America.

CINDERELLA America… sounds like paradise for women!

FAIRY GODMOTHER Erm…

CINDERELLA Can you take me there?

FAIRY GODMOTHER Well, right now’s a tough time to immigrate—

NARRATOR (off) Cinderella, report to the work scene.

CINDERELLA Ugh. I know, as a woman, I’m supposed to love housework, but…

FAIRY GODMOTHER No. You aren’t! Chapter 2 deconstructs that! Take the book with you. But you can’t show it to anybody! Princess Betty’s ideas… they’re often considered dangerous when first presented.

CINDERELLA Dangerous?

NARRATOR (off) Cinderella!

— 26 —

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CINDERELLA (into intercom) Coming!

CINDERELLA hurries off to—

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SCENE 4—STEPMOTHER’S HOUSE #4 —W or k B i t c h

NARRATOR (off) Ok! Scene 8, Cinderella is Left Behind. From “You? Go to the ball?” Here we go!

CINDERELLA enters, hiding her book in her apron as the scene begins.

BETANY You?! Go to the ball!

BELINDA (baffled) YOU WANNA…

BETANY Did you hear her, Belinda??!

Cinderella wants to go to the ball.

BELINDA (“seriously?”)

YOU WANNA…

BETANY (then) With us.

The beat drops and the STEPSISTERS go on the offensive.

BETANY YOU WANT THE PRETTY DRESSES YOU WANNA MAKE THE MESSES YOU WANNA HEAR THE ‘YESSES’ YOU BETTER WORK BITCH

BELINDA YOU WANT A POSH CARRIAGE YOU WANT A HOT MARRIAGE YOU WANNA ROCK RICH

— 27 —

— 28 —

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(BELINDA) YOU BETTER WORK BITCH

BELINDA & BETANY YOU WANNA LIVE FANCY LIVE IN A BIG MANSION PARTY IN FRANCE? YOU BETTER WORK BITCH YOU BETTER WORK BITCH YOU BETTER WORK BITCH YOU BETTER WORK BITCH NOW GET TO WORK BITCH!

They skip by CINDERELLA and dump piles of laundry on her.

BETANY Sorry about your mom.

BELINDA You smell like pumpkin.

BETANY BRING IT ON, RING THE ALARM DON’T STOP NOW JUST BE THE CHAMPION!

BELINDA WORK IT HARD LIKE IT’S YOUR PROFESSION

STEPMOTHER (off) Cinderella!

BETANY WATCH OUT NOW ‘CAUSE HERE COMES MOM…

BELINDA HERE COMES THE SMASHER HERE COMES THE MASTER HERE COMES THE BIG BEAT BIG BEAT TO BLAST YA NO TIME TO QUIT NOW JUST TIME TO GET IT NOW PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN

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(BELINDA) PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN

BETANY & BELINDA AH

STEPMOTHER blows in. Look out.

STEPMOTHER GO CALL YOUR STUPID MICE! GO CALL YOUR GODMOTHER! I BRING THE TROUBLE! THAT MEANS THE TROUBLE, Y’ALL I MAKE YOU STEP IT UP CALL ME THE STEPMOTHER! I AM THE BAD BITCH THE BITCH THAT YOU’LL NEVER LOVE

CINDERELLA finally finds herself alone and able to open the book, which lights her face as she reads…

OTHER PRINCESSES sing as MICE here, while PRINCE ERUDITE and OTHER PRINCES sing as BIRDS.

CINDERELLA HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH

CINDERELLA & MICE HIGH UP TO THE SKY

CINDERELLA OH THEY’LL TRY TO TRY YA BUT THEY CAN’T DENY YA

CINDERELLA & MICE KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND HIGHER KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND HIGHER

MICE, BIRDS, & CINDERELLA

BETANY & BELINDA

SO HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH HIGH UP TO THE SKY

HERE COMES THE SMASHER

NOW THEY DON’T BELIEVE YOU

HERE COMES THE MASTER

BUT THEY’RE GONNA NEED YOU

HERE COMES THE BIG BEAT

KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND

BIG BEAT TO BLAST YA NO TIME

— 29 —

— 30 —

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(MICE, BIRDS, & CINDERELLA)

(BETANY & BELINDA)

HIGHER

TO QUIT YA

KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER

JUST TIME TO GET IT NOW

AND HIGHER

PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN

AND HIGHER

PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN

STEPMOTHER notices the book and snatches it from CINDERELLA.

STEPMOTHER What is this??!

BELINDA It’s a big piece of toast.

BETANY No, it’s got writing in it…

STEPMOTHER How do you know what writing is?!?

BETANY I’m sorry— I didn’t mean to— please love me—

STEPMOTHER (opening the book) What on… are these scrolls numbered? This is witchcraft!

CINDERELLA No, it’s actually all about female empowerment—

STEPMOTHER So I’m right, this IS witchcraft. I’ll keep it.

CINDERELLA No, please, I think that book, it might be the key to my happy ever after—

STEPMOTHER All the more reason then.

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CINDERELLA Oh but can’t I just—

STEPMOTHER No! You can get back to work!

BETANY & BELINDA

CINDERELLA

WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!

HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGHER!

BELINDA (BETANY)

STEPMOTHER COME ON!

WORK IT OUT! (WORK!) WORK IT OUT!

CINDERELLA WORK IT OUT! (WORK!) HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH! WORK IT OUT! (WORK!)

STEPMOTHER WORK IT OUT! WORK IT OUT! (WORK!) WORK IT OUT! (WORK!)

WORK IT OUT!

WORK IT OUT! (WORK!)

BETANY & BELINDA WORK IT OUT!

STEPMOTHER NOW GET TO WORK BITCH!

The STEPFAMILY exit, cackling.

#4 A — To Snow ’ s C o t t a g e

— 31 —

— 32 —

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SCENE 5—SNOW WHITE’S COTTAGE CINDERELLA is standing in Snow White’s cottage as SNOW WHITE enters, holding a basket of apples.

SNOW WHITE See you tomorrow, delightful old woman!

(noticing CINDERELLA) Cin! What are you doing here? Isn’t your story being read?!?

CINDERELLA I’ve gone ROGUE! You’ve heard of O.F.G., right?

SNOW WHITE Notorious O.F.G.?!

CINDERELLA YES. Snow— I met her!

SNOW WHITE WHAT?! How? But she was banished!

CINDERELLA I know! But after Scroll Club, I asked for “more,” and poof, SHE SHOWED UP! And she gave me this… scroll, except it’s called a book, it’s cut up, it’s numbered, there’s this thing called a table of contents, and—WAIT FOR IT—the whole thing’s written by a WOMAN—

SNOW WHITE (horrified) Witchcraft!

CINDERELLA No, Snow. The woman’s not a witch—she’s a WRITER.

(then) Her book is MINDBLOWING and it is 100% going to change the way you look at quite literally EVERYTHING!

SNOW WHITE Oh my goodness, where is it?!?

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— 33 —

CINDERELLA Well, that’s the thing— my Stepmother stole it, so we gotta get it back! I need your help!

Let’s go!

SNOW WHITE Ok! Oh— but not today. I’m seeing my prince.

CINDERELLA What? No, Snow. This is way more important!

SNOW WHITE Than true love? From a prince?

CINDERELLA True love. True love between you and…

SNOW WHITE The Prince!

CINDERELLA Right but Prince…

(off SNOW WHITE’s silence) You don’t even know his name!

SNOW WHITE Of course I do. It’s… Faithful!

CINDERELLA Snow we’ve read your story in Scroll Club a million times. Your prince is never named.

SNOW WHITE Well, that’s what I call him, so—

NARRATOR (off) Snow White?

(SNOW WHITE waves to CINDERELLA, what do I do?!? CINDERELLA points, answer it! Then changes her mind. Don’t!)

Snow White!

— 34 —

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SNOW WHITE panics, answers!

SNOW WHITE (into intercom) … yes?

NARRATOR (off) Do you know where Cinderella is?

SNOW WHITE (into intercom) … no? No.

NARRATOR (off) Well if you see her, please tell her she’s due at the palace and that if she misses her entrance, I may have no choice but to replace her. Happy ever after isn’t a birthright, it’s a privilege, and it can be taken away.

SNOW WHITE (into intercom) Got it!

(SNOW WHITE hangs up, shaken.)

I can’t believe I just did that! I lied to the Narrator!

CINDERELLA I think he’s been lying to us all these years! Come with me. To the Palace. My stepmother will be there, we can get the book back!

SNOW WHITE I can’t enter your story WHILE it’s being read! We could both get banished!

CINDERELLA He says that to keep us in line.

SNOW WHITE He banished O.F.G.!

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— 35 —

CINDERELLA Then we’re probably doing something right.

(then) Let’s go!

And they’re off. Music to “Boys” begins as we transition to—

NARRATOR (off) Ok, ready to rehearse the ball scene, let’s take it from right before the Stepsisters’ entrance, lots of energy, here we go!

— 36 —

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SCENE 6—THE CASTLE Lights on the PRINCES, flirting with the PRINCESSES.

#5 —B oys / P r e t t y G i r l s

PRINCE SUAVE (spoken) FOR WHATEVER REASON, I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN WANTING YOU ALL MY LIFE.

PRINCE BRAWNY (spoken) YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND?

PRINCE MISCHIEVOUS (spoken) I’M SO GLAD WE’RE IN THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME.

PRINCE AFFABLE (spoken) IT’S OVER NOW…

PRINCES BOYS! SOMETIMES A GIRL JUST NEEDS ONE. BOYS! TO LOVE HER AND TO HOLD. BOYS! AND WHEN A GIRL IS WITH ONE. BOYS! THEN HE’S IN CONTROL.

BETANY & BELINDA (bursting in) ALL AROUND THE WORLD, PRETTY GIRLS! WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ALL THE BOYS! POUR THE DRINKS! BRING THE NOISE! WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY! ALL AROUND THE WORLD, PRETTY GIRLS! JUMP THE LINE TO THE FRONT DO WHAT WE LIKE, GET WHAT WE WANT WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!

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BETANY HEY DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME? EV’RY KINGDOM BE PLAYING THE GAME

BELINDA & BETANY YOU CAN BETCHA WHEREVER WE GIRLS GO BOYS FOLLOW

BETANY WE BE KEEPIN’ THEM UP ON THEIR TOES

BELINDA THEY CAN LAUGH BUT THEY WON’T GET THE JOKES!

BETANY JUST YOU WATCH THEY’RE SO PREDICTABLE

BELINDA & BETANY SOME THINGS DON’T CHANGE

BETANY PRINCESS ROLL UP!

PRINCES PRINCES BACK DOWN

BELINDA EYES ON US!

PRINCES JAWS ON THE GROUND

BETANY WATCH US GO, IT’S JUST SO FUNNY

BELINDA & BETANY LIKE BEES TO THE HONEY!

BELINDA & BETANY

PRINCES & PRINCESSES

ALL AROUND THE WORLD…

BOYS!/GIRLS!

PRETTY GIRLS

SOMETIMES A GIRL/BOY JUST NEEDS

WIPE THE FLOOR

ONE.

WITH ALL THE BOYS

BOYS!/GIRLS!

POUR THE DRINKS

TO LOVE HER/HIM AND TO HOLD.

BRING THE NOISE

BOYS!/GIRLS!

— 37 —

— 38 —

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(BELINDA & BETANY)

(PRINCES & PRINCESSES)

WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!

AND WHEN A GIRL/BOY IS WITH ONE.

ALL AROUND THE WORLD

BOYS!/GIRLS!

PRETTY GIRLS

THEN HE/SHE IS IN CONTROL

JUMP THE LINE TO THE FRONT DO WHAT WE LIKE GET WHAT WE WANT

BELINDA & BETANY WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!

Huge finish. Fan kicks, a split, a demand to be seen, and loved.

NARRATOR (entering) Pause for child potty break! That’s a potty pause everybody! Let’s use this time wisely.

(to the STEPSISTERS) Girls. Less is more.

(to BETANY) MUCH less, Belinda.

BETANY (horrified) It’s Betany, bitch.

#5 A — The B al l U n d e r s c o r e BETANY stomps off.

CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE arrive at the other end of the hall in hooded capes.

SNOW WHITE is in awe.

SNOW WHITE Are you kidding me right now with this party?!? Check out this palace! Are those CANDLE BRAS?!?

CINDERELLA Candelabras, yup.

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SNOW WHITE AWWW, LOOK at that cute pig with an apple in his mouth! Is he friendly?

CINDERELLA He’s dinner.

(scanning the room) Okay so we gotta find my Stepmother…

SNOW WHITE Yes, right!

PRINCE ERUDITE (noticing CINDERELLA) Your Highness! You’re early!

(re: SNOW WHITE) And who is this lovely creature?

CINDERELLA This is my… lady-in-waiting.

(SNOW WHITE drops into a curtsy she can’t get out of. CINDERELLA helps her up.)

She’s in training.

PRINCE ERUDITE A lady-in-waiting-in-training?

CINDERELLA Yup.

(to SNOW WHITE) This is Prince Erudite.

SNOW WHITE Oh!

CINDERELLA The Celibate.

— 39 —

— 40 —

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SNOW WHITE (not understanding) Oh ho!

(then) I’m Snow.

PRINCE ERUDITE What an unusual name! Snow…

SNOW WHITE Whi—

(off CINDERELLA’s elbow) … tenstein. Von… Hoofle Poofle.

PRINCE ERUDITE Aren’t you charming.

SNOW WHITE No, I’m Snow. I just said that.

PRINCE ERUDITE … speaking of Charming, wait till you see him in his new epaulettes. So hot.

(quickly) In here! It is very hot. Because: so many hot girls! In tight corsets! Ah, I love girls!

CINDERELLA (”ok…”)

I’m going to go find—

She turns and runs into her surprised STEPMOTHER.

STEPMOTHER What are you doing here? You don’t ruin all my hopes and dreams for another ten minutes.

CINDERELLA I want that book back. It’s mine.

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— 41 —

STEPMOTHER A “book”, is that what it’s called? Noted. And no.

She hands the volume to BELINDA.

BELINDA (exiting, thrilled) The toast! Mom!

STEPMOTHER (watching BELINDA go) Should I have educated her? Motherhood is such a series of difficult decisions…

(back to CINDERELLA) I’m sure a trade could be arranged. You can have that “book” back… if you reject the Prince.

CINDERELLA I can’t “reject the Prince”! Charming?!? You know we can’t change our stories!

STEPMOTHER Cinderella. Why do you think I do this? Night after night? If I didn’t think someday there might be a different outcome? If I didn’t think at SOME point the Narrator might be “persuaded” to have the Prince choose either of my perfect—

(noticing BETANY) Betany! No fluids! You bloat, and it’s instant!

(back to CINDERELLA) Sweetheart—if the Narrator deigns to make an adjustment, that’s what the Great Quill is for! He wears that key for a reason.

CINDERELLA But he never uses it…

STEPMOTHER Sure he does. Sparingly. Remember how dark our tale used to be? My daughters’ eyes used to get pecked out in the finale! And I used to chop Belinda’s toes off, sever Betany’s Achilles tendon— remember how it used to curl up, like a hound on a winter’s hearth?

Oh, the lengths I’d go to.

(a wink)

— 42 —

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(STEPMOTHER) Or take away, am I right? But those changes? My ideas. My quiet influence…

CINDERELLA So what, I just tell the Narrator I want—

STEPMOTHER “Tell him”? Ha! No. You get him to think the idea is his. Play to his vanity.

(She spies the NARRATOR and rushes to him.)

Oh, Narrator, I wanted to ask about that idea you had for spotlighting my daughters’ entrance— I’m sorry, how do you not age??!

NARRATOR (blushing) None of us age.

STEPMOTHER I know, but still. To be so once upon a timeless! “Who’s the fairest?” I think it’s an open question…

NARRATOR What was my, um, idea, for their (entrance)—

(The quill begins pulsing.)

We have a reader! Ok! From Charming’s entrance, ladies, give me shock and awe!

The Prince has ENTERED THE BUILDING!

#6 —C i r c us Trumpets sound. Charming? Is here. And his entrance is INSANE.

PRINCE CHARMING THERE’S ONLY TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD: THE ONES THAT ENTERTAIN AND THE ONES THAT OBSERVE. OH BABY, I NEED A PUT-ON-A-SHOW KINDA GIRL. A GIRL WHO CHARMS ME, WHO PUTS ME FIRST.

PRINCE CHARMING I’M LIKE THE RINGLEADER, I CALL THE SHOTS.

PRINCES OH, OH

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— 43 —

PRINCES HE CALLS THE SHOTS!

PRINCE CHARMING I NEED A FIRECRACKER

PRINCES & PRINCESSES Fire!

PRINCE CHARMING TO MAKE IT HOT, SO C’MON PUT ON A SHOW.

PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCES, PRINCESSES, BETANY, & BELINDA I FEEL THE ADRENALINE MOVIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS, SPOTLIGHT ON ME AND I’M READY TO BREAK. I’M LIKE A PERFORMER THE DANCE FLOOR IS MY STAGE. YOU BET I’M READY, HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME.

PRINCE CHARMING

TWO PRINCES

CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, OTHER PRINCES & OTHER PRINCESSES

ALL EYES ON ME IN THE CENTER OF THE RING JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. AH-HA!

WHEN I CRACK MY WHIP, EV’RYBODY GON’ TRIP JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO. ALL MY LADIES LET GO. C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR

PRINCE CHARMING & TWO PRINCES

CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, OTHER PRINCES, & OTHER PRINCESSES

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. AH-HA!

— 44 —

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PRINCE CHARMING THERE’S ONLY TWO TYPES OF GUYS OUT THERE: THE ONES THAT CAN HANG WITH ME AND THE ONES THAT ARE SCARED SO BABY I HOPE THAT YOU CAME PREPARED I RUN A TIGHT SHIP

PRINCES & PRINCESSES Tight!

PRINCE CHARMING

PRINCES

SO BEWARE

OH

I’M LIKE THE RINGLEADER,

OH

I CALL THE SHOTS.

PRINCES & PRINCESSES HE CALLS THE SHOTS!

PRINCE CHARMING I NEED A FIRECRACKER

PRINCES & PRINCESSES Fire!

PRINCE CHARMING TO MAKE IT HOT, SO C’MON PUT ON A SHOW.

PRINCE CHARMING, CLUMSY, OTHER PRINCES, PUN, BEAUTY, & OTHER PRINCESSES

PEA, MERMAID, & OTHER PRINCESSES

I FEEL THE ADRENALINE

OH

MOVIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS,

MOVIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS,

SPOTLIGHT ON ME AND I’M READY TO BREAK.

SPOTLIGHT ON ME AND I’M READY TO BREAK!

I’M LIKE A PERFORMER THE DANCE FLOOR IS MY STAGE.

PRINCE CHARMING, PUN, BEAUTY, & TWO PRINCESSES

FLOOR IS MY STAGE.

CLUMSY & OTHER PRINCES

YOU BET I’M READY, HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME.

HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME.

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CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, & OTHER PRINCES

— 45 —

PEA, MERMAID, & OTHER PRINCESSES

ALL EYES ON ME

OH OH

IN THE CENTER OF THE RING

OH

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

OH AH-HA!

WHEN I CRACK MY WHIP,

OH

EV’RYBODY GON’ TRIP

OH

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

OH AH-HA!

DON’T STAND THERE

DON’T STAND THERE

WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME,

WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME,

SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.

ALL MY LADIES LET GO,

ALL MY LADIES LET GO,

C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR

C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR

PRINCE CHARMING & TWO PRINCES

CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, & OTHER PRINCES

SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.

(PEA, MERMAID, & OTHER PRINCESSES)

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS AH-HA! OH OH OH OH OH

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES Let’s go!

RAPUNZEL, SLEEPING BEAUTY, & PRINCESS AND THE PEA OOH LIKE A CIRCUS

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES Lemme see what you can do!

RAPUNZEL, SLEEPING BEAUTY, & PRINCESS AND THE PEA AH AH AH I’M READY NOW…

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE A CIRCUS

PRINCESSES AH AH AH LIKE A WHAT?

— 46 —

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PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCES, & PRINCESSES LIKE A CIRCUS. ALL EYES ON ME IN THE CENTER OF THE RING JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. WHEN I CRACK MY WHIP, EV’RYBODY GON’ TRIP JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES ALL MY LADIES LET GO, C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

PRINCE CHARMING

PRINCES

BEAUTY, MERMAID, & PUN

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

PEA & OTHER PRINCESSES

(JUST) LIKE A CIRCUS!

OH

(JUST) LIKE A CIRCUS!

OH

CIRCUS!

CIRCUS!

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.

JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. COME JOIN MY

COME JOIN MY

CIRCUS!

CIRCUS!

As the song finishes, CINDERELLA rushes up and takes The Feminine Mystique from BELINDA.

BELINDA HEY! That thief stole my toast!

BETANY unhoods CINDERELLA. Gasps!

NARRATOR Cinderella, what are you doing?!? Get over here! You’re being read! First dance with Charming, hurry!

PRINCE CHARMING is in ready position. He holds out a hand, and CINDERELLA rushes to her mark. Downbeat!

PRINCE CHARMING Hello? Hello!

(music begins) Do you believe in love at first sight? First and last, because I think I may have just been blinded by your beauty…

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#7 —Som e t i me s

STEPMOTHER (hissing to CINDERELLA) Reject the prince!

STEPMOTHER moves out of the scene to stand with the NARRATOR.

CINDERELLA (terrible acting) YOU TELL ME YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH ME

NARRATOR What is she doing?

CINDERELLA THAT YOU CAN’T TAKE YOUR PRETTY EYES AWAY FROM ME

NARRATOR What is HAPPENING?!?

CINDERELLA (softening) IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T WANT TO STAY

PRINCE CHARMING BUT EVERY TIME I COME TOO CLOSE YOU MOVE AWAY

CINDERELLA (falling) Ugh, your eyes…

NARRATOR Okay, we’re back!

STEPMOTHER sighs, foiled again. She follows the NARRATOR off…

CINDERELLA I WANT TO BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING THAT YOU SAY ‘CAUSE IT SOUNDS SO GOOD… BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT ME, MOVE SLOW

— 47 —

— 48 —

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(CINDERELLA) THERE’S THINGS ABOUT ME YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW SOMETIMES I RUN,

PRINCE CHARMING SOMETIMES

CINDERELLA SOMETIMES I HIDE SOMETIMES I’M SCARED OF YOU

PRINCE CHARMING MMM BUT ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIGHT TREAT YOU RIGHT, BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT

ALL (BUT BETANY & THREE PRINCESSES)

BETANY & THREE PRINCESSES

ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIGHT

ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIGHT

TREAT YOU RIGHT, BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT

BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT

BABY ALL YOU NEED IS TIME

PRINCE CHARMING JUST HANG AROUND AND YOU’LL SEE

CINDERELLA THERE’S NOWHERE I’D RATHER BE!

PRINCE CHARMING IF YOU LOVE ME, TRUST IN ME THE WAY THAT I TRUST IN YOU

SNOW WHITE Faithful?!

SNOW WHITE has returned, with PRINCE ERUDITE.

PRINCE CHARMING Uh… who?

CINDERELLA You know each other?

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— 49 —

PRINCE CHARMING I don’t think (so)—

SNOW WHITE This is my prince!

CINDERELLA Charming?

SNOW WHITE Is Faithful!

BELINDA & BETANY Or… isn’t!

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA You’re cheating on me?

PRINCE CHARMING What? No! Define “cheating”…

SNOW WHITE But… it’s true love! It says so! Your kiss wakes me!

PRINCE CHARMING Ok. My kiss has woken a lot of women. I’m not bragging. And I’m not proud.

(beat) Ok, I’m a little bit proud.

(arms around CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE) Look. Princes are—we’re just different! We don’t sit around pining after “true love.” We’re not written that way.

CINDERELLA That’s all you have to say for yourself?

PRINCE CHARMING Oops?

Music begins. PRINCE CHARMING winks to us. You knew it was coming.

— 50 —

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#8 —O o p s ! … I D i d I t A ga i n

(PRINCE CHARMING) I THINK I DID IT AGAIN I MADE YOU BELIEVE WE’RE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS. OH, BABY, IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE TRUE LOVE BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I’M SERIOUS. AND TO LOSE ALL YOUR SENSES THAT IS JUST SO TYPIC’LLY… YOU OH, BABY, BABY! OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME OH, BABY, BABY. OOPS! YOU THINK I’M IN LOVE, THAT I’M SENT FROM ABOVE? I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT.

CINDERELLA turns, confronting PRINCE CHARMING.

CINDERELLA YOU SEE, MY PROBLEM IS THIS: I’M DREAMIN’ AWAY WISHING THAT HEROES, THEY TRULY EXIST.

SNOW WHITE (devastated) I CRY WATCHING THE DAYS. I GUESS I’M A FOOL IN SO MANY WAYS

PRINCE CHARMING AND TO LOSE ALL YOUR SENSES THAT IS JUST SO TYPIC’LLY YOU BABY, OH.

PRINCE CHARMING

SNOW WHITE

OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN

PRINCES OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN

I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART

YOU PLAYED WITH MY HEART

GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME

I GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME

OH, BABY, BABY.

OH, BABY MAYBE

OOPS! YOU THINK I’M IN LOVE,

OOH, I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE, OOPS!

OOH

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— 51 —

(PRINCE CHARMING)

(SNOW WHITE)

(PRINCES)

THAT I’M SENT FROM ABOVE.

YOU WERE SENT FROM ABOVE.

… SENT FROM ABOVE

I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT.

AM I TOO INNOCENT?

HE’S NOT THAT INNOCENT!

CINDERELLA pulls SNOW WHITE off and away.

NARRATOR (entering) Cinderella, Snow White! Get back here!

PRINCE CHARMING Was it something I said?

NARRATOR What? Not at all, you’re perfect!

PRINCES, BETANY, & BELINDA OOPS! HE DID IT AGAIN!

PRINCE CHARMING I DID IT!

TO YOUR HEART! GOT LOST IN THIS GAME, OH

YOU GOT LOST! IN THIS GAME

BABY! OOPS! YOU THINK

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE!

THAT HE’S SENT FROM ABOVE. HE’S NOT THAT INNOCENT!

PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCES, & BELINDA

I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT.

PRINCES & BETANY

OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN

OOPS! HE DID IT AGAIN

I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART

TO YOUR HEART.

GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME

GOT LOST IN THIS GAME,

OH, BABY, BABY. OOPS!

OH BABY. OOPS!

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE

YOU THINK THAT HE’S

I WAS SENT FROM ABOVE.

SENT FROM ABOVE.

PRINCE CHARMING I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT!

#8 A — O o p s ( P l a y o f f )

PRINCES, BETANY, & BELINDA HE’S NOT THAT INNOCENT!

— 52 —

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SCENE 7—SNOW WHITE’S COTTAGE Scroll Club. EVERYBODY’s drinking.

RAPUNZEL That is SO messed up. And she walked away from the Narrator??! Girl’s got some ballgowns.

CLUMSY enters to refill, then stacks empty bottles in his arms.

CLUMSY You girls can really drink.

SLEEPING BEAUTY Well, what else is there to do?

Laughter… that dissolves into uncomfortable silence. CLUMSY eases the door open with his foot.

RAPUNZEL … you got those, Clumsy?

CLUMSY I hear the doubt in your voice, but yes.

He turns… and stumbles.

PRINCESSES Here we go / called it / oh no!

He falls. Glass shatters.

CLUMSY (re-entering) … I’m always going to be alone, aren’t I.

CINDERELLA enters.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Well if it isn’t Suzy Cold Hors D’Oeuvres. Ma’am, we have questions.

LITTLE MERMAID signs hers.

CINDERELLA Yeah I’m ok. I mean, I’m not. I guess I sorta feel like—

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— 53 —

SNOW WHITE Like your whole story’s been a lie?

SNOW WHITE is needlepointing furiously.

CINDERELLA Like, sure, I always sorta suspected the “charming” thing was more of a public act, but… he scours the kingdom for me.

(then, to SNOW WHITE) What are you making?

SNOW WHITE flips her needlepoint.

RAPUNZEL What’s that say? I can’t read it.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Nobody can.

SNOW WHITE It says “Stay, Faithful,” or it’s supposed to, I didn’t go to school, ok? But I do know how to spell “heartache”, with a capital j! Because that’s how I feel.

CINDERELLA But Snow he’s cheating on you! On us!

SNOW WHITE You don’t understand.

#9 —Fr om t h e B o t t o m o f My B r o k e n H e a r t

CINDERELLA I think I do because it kinda happened to both—

SNOW WHITE (cutting her off) OOOOH

PRINCE ERUDITE and OTHER PRINCES sing as BIRDS.

— 54 —

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BIRDS NA NA NA NA NA NA

RAPUNZEL What’s happening?

SNOW WHITE I’m gonna question all my choices, figure out what I did to push him away.

(then) “NEVER LOOK BACK,” WE SAID. HOW WAS I TO KNOW I’D MISS YOU SO?

CLUMSY joins in, startling SNOW WHITE.

SNOW WHITE & CLUMSY LONELINESS UP AHEAD, EMPTINESS BEHIND, WHERE DO I GO?

BIRDS WHERE DO I GO, OH NO!

SNOW WHITE & CLUMSY AND YOU DIDN’T HEAR ALL MY JOY THROUGH MY TEARS, ALL MY HOPES THROUGH MY FEAR, DID YOU KNOW? OOH

SNOW WHITE STILL I MISS YOU SOMEHOW?

SNOW WHITE is really feeling it now. The BIRDS sway behind her…

SNOW WHITE

CLUMSY & BIRDS

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART,

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART,

THERE’S JUST A… A THING OR TWO

THERE’S JUST A THING OR TWO

… YOU GOTTA KNOW

I’D LIKE YOU TO KNOW.

YOU WERE MY FIRST LOVE, FIRST LOVE.

… YOU WERE MY FIRST LOVE.

(SNOW WHITE, CLUMSY, & BIRDS) YOU WERE MY TRUE LOVE FROM THE FIRST KISSES TO THE VERY LAST ROSE!

(bonkers melisma) FROM! THE! BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART,

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(SNOW WHITE)

— 55 —

(CLUMSY & BIRDS)

EVEN THOUGH TIME MAY FIND ME

EVEN THOUGH TIME MAY FIND ME SOMEBODY NEW

YOU WERE MY REAL LOVE, YOU WERE MY REAL LOVE, I NEVER KNEW LOVE,

I NEVER KNEW LOVE,

‘TIL THERE WAS YOU!

‘TIL THERE WAS YOU!

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART

CLUMSY exits.

SLEEPING BEAUTY Cin, what were you thinking? Bringing Snow into your story?!? Narrator’s gonna lose his quill when he sees you!

RAPUNZEL Yeah, I mean, curiosity isn’t exactly rewarded around here. Look what happens to Red Riding Hood. Goes off her path and, boom, lunch.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Then again, some of us almost miss a party so it’s hard to compare—

CINDERELLA Ok. I’m not— We were trying to get a… Can you all keep a secret?

NARRATOR (off) Hansel and Gretel, to the gingerbread house.

HANSEL and GRETEL cross, overjoyed.

HANSEL Oh ho, yeah!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Those poor children.

CINDERELLA pulls them into a huddle.

— 56 —

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CINDERELLA This is beyond hush hush. I got given a scroll thingy, called a book… and now it’s got me questioning almost everything in our stories.

SNOW WHITE Wait, our stories too?

CINDERELLA Your story especially. Not to pick on you, but…

SNOW WHITE But what?

CINDERELLA I mean, “true love”? That starts when a guy you’ve never met kisses you? An anonymous guy who basically assaults you in the woods—

SNOW WHITE Faithful RESCUES me.

CINDERELLA He discovers you, unconscious in a clearing, and instead of calling for help, he decides to take advantage of you.

All the PRINCESSES try to process.

SNOW WHITE Huh. I never thought about it that way.

CINDERELLA Look, now that we know who he is? We don’t have to put up with this.

SNOW WHITE Agreed. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on—

(off a knock) Oh! I wonder who that could be?!

SNOW WHITE answers before CLUMSY can. A hag (NARRATOR) hunches in and holds out an—

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HAG (NARRATOR) Apple?

SNOW WHITE Oh, I love—!

CLUMSY (knocking it away) Snow! It’s your Evil Queen. It’s ALWAYS the Evil—

CLUMSY pulls off the hood to gasps.

NARRATOR (to CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE) There you are! You thought you could avoid me but I am TOO clever! I know EVERYTHING that goes on in this kingdom!

(off another knock) Oh! I wonder who that could be?

CLUMSY opens the door. PRINCE ERUDITE. Sparks fly. Time freezes…

PRINCE ERUDITE Hi! I’m Prince Erudite. You must be Happy?

He goes to shake CLUMSY’s hand and gets poked in the eye.

CLUMSY No I’m Hopey.

(correcting!)

Humpy.

(eek!)

Crumbsy!

(wrong!)

Clumsy.

Awkward. PRINCE ERUDITE spies CINDERELLA, and moves to return her slipper.

PRINCE ERUDITE Hey! Wasn’t sure if you’d want this back, but—

— 57 —

— 58 —

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(PRINCE ERUDITE) (seeing NARRATOR) Oh! Narrator! SO. I realize I’m basically just a member of Charming’s entourage but I’d love to talk to you about my character arc because as they say, there are no small parts, only small—

(to CLUMSY) That is NOT directed at you. You’re ado-able.

(yikes!)

Adorable.

(nonchalant) Agreeable.

NARRATOR Cinderella, Snow White, what has gotten into you?!

CINDERELLA Wanna know what’s gotten into us? How long have you known that Charming was both of (our)—

NARRATOR Stop! Yikes. What is that tone you’re using?

CINDERELLA All I’m asking—

NARRATOR You’re yelling. You don’t even realize you’re doing it. It’s the register. It’s so strident. No. Shrill? Dulcet tones. Practice! All of you.

PRINCESSES (singsong) Sorry.

CINDERELLA Why would you keep that from us? That Snow and I are sharing a prince?

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— 59 —

NARRATOR Because I knew you’d get hysterical. You’d better tread carefully in those slippers, missy.

You’ll get a reputation.

CINDERELLA As?

NARRATOR Difficult.

(off EVERYBODY’s horror) Everybody who doesn’t live here, OUT.

ALL exit except for SNOW WHITE. CINDERELLA tries to join the OTHERS.

NARRATOR Not you, Cinderella.

(to SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA) Girls. We have been entrusted with these tales. WE are the guardians. Do you understand how much of a responsibility that is?

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE Yes.

NARRATOR I’m very glad to hear that. Because these fairy tales, they teach children how to see the world. What to fear. Whom to love. What happy ever after means. And so if we start changing things… we might as well take away their north star! The very light that guides them through their childhoods!

CINDERELLA I understand but—

NARRATOR (snapping) No I don’t think you do. Cinderella, you told me you felt “lonely.” Do you know where you’ll really feel lonely? Story’s End.

(Thunder crashes again.)

— 60 —

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(NARRATOR) Do you know how many of these tales are no longer requested? Nobody’s going to want to read your story girls if you aren’t likeable. Is that happy ever after to you?!? Fading into obscurity, for all eternity?

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE … no.

NARRATOR Then I want this nonsense to stop. The next time your story is read you will perform it exactly as written. Am I clear?!?

(off CINDERELLA’s nod) Good day. And happy ever after.

He exits. CINDERELLA gathers her things.

CINDERELLA I gotta go.

SNOW WHITE What about telling the girls about the book?

CINDERELLA … Never mind. It’s too dangerous.

CINDERELLA exits, and we transition to…

#9 A — Tr ans i t i on t o D r e s s m a k i n g

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— 61 —

SCENE 8—CINDERELLA’S HOUSE CINDERELLA is mid-conversation with her BIRDS and MICE.

(CINDERELLA) … no, of course it’s no choice at all. But look, what am I complaining about, really? So my husband has a mistress. Am I the first woman in history to have to look the other way as her husband is intimate with her best friend who is literally the fairest of them all? Ha! So I’m just going to play the role I’ve been written…

(A larger BIRD begins pointedly tweeting a question at her.) of my…? No, of course it isn’t the best use of my abilities. But then, what abilities do I have? I mean, if you want a lentil-free hearth, I’m your girl, but… I just don’t see the point of dreaming.

Poof! The bird transforms into O.F.G.

FAIRY GODMOTHER You don’t see the point of dreaming?! Bibbidi bobbidi BOO on this attitude of yours!

BETANY & BELINDA (off) CINDERELLA!

CINDERELLA They took the book! And I tried to get it back but— you’re just gonna have to get it back for me.

FAIRY GODMOTHER Get it back for you, of course—

O.F.G. reaches in her purse, pulls out her wand.

CINDERELLA (to the BIRDS) Never gets old, having a fairy godmother.

FAIRY GODMOTHER NOW ALACAZOOLAMI AND MENCHIKAPOOLARU BUT THE THINGAMABOB THAT DOES THE JOB IS—

— 62 —

(loving it)

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One More Time

FAIRY GODMOTHER (pointing wand)

BIBBIDI BOBBIDI—

Self-reliance.

(FAIRY GODMOTHER) Cinderella. Your story is going to challenge you. You can’t run from those challenges— you gotta run toward them! But to do that, you might need to give those slippers…

(raised eyebrow) a break.

CINDERELLA You mean literally? The eyebrow, you seem to be suggesting that—

FAIRY GODMOTHER Here’s the thing, Cinderella. True happy ever after—for a woman—usually involves breaking some glass.

(then) I think that’s the key to your happy ever after…

CINDERELLA I could never…

(CINDERELLA takes off a slipper and feigns “trying” to break it.)

It’s not a material with a ton of give. Plus these are my slippers! Iconic. I wouldn’t be “Cinderella” without them!

FAIRY GODMOTHER So who would you be?

CINDERELLA has no idea.

CINDERELLA I kinda need more help. If you could just—

(off O.F.G.’s look) And… there’s that eyebrow. Self-reliance?

(confirmed) Self-reliance.

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FAIRY GODMOTHER Cinderella, if something’s wrong with your ever after, it’s up to you to right it!

CINDERELLA Write it, or right it? How are you spelling—

FAIRY GODMOTHER You can’t do one without the other. So right your fairy tale! That is the answer to the problem that has no name…

BELINDA & BETANY (off) CINDERELLA!!!

O.F.G. vanishes as the STEPSISTERS arrive, book in hand.

BETANY There she is, Princess FancyPants Ideas!

BELINDA Princess “Look at me, I’m literate.”

NARRATOR (off) Top of the dressmaking scene!

Music begins and the STEPSISTERS start to shred CINDERELLA’s gown as she fumes.

#1 0 — S l a v e 4 U / P i e c e o f Me

BETANY UH OH CINDERELLA YOU’VE BEEN SUCH A NAUGHTY GIRL

BELINDA WHATEVER GAVE YOU THE IDEA THAT YOU COULD STEP INTO OUR WORLD?

BETANY NOT PRACTICAL, NOT LOGICAL I’M KNOCKING, NO ONE’S THERE

— 63 —

— 64 —

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BELINDA ALL I KNOW IS I’M SO HAPPY EV’RY TIME I TEAR

They gleefully shred CINDERELLA’s gown…

BETANY & BELINDA GET IT GET IT, GET IT GET IT, OH GET IT GET IT, GET IT GET IT, UH OH GET IT GET IT, GET IT GET IT OH!

Ecstasy. CINDERELLA fumes.

CINDERELLA BEEN ON THE STEPSISTER SCENE SINCE I WAS SEVENTEEN. DON’T MATTER IF I KEEP THE PLACE CLEAN OR SNEAK AWAY SEEKING PALACE DREAMS. THESE SISTERS WANT MY SLIPPERS, TREAT ME VICIOUS, THEY TREAT ME MEAN THEY WANT A PIECE OF ME.

BETANY

BELINDA

WE WANT A PIECE OF YOU!

YOU’RE A—

BETANY & BELINDA SLAVE FOR US YOU LIVE TO SERVE US, YOU DO NOT DESERVE US, YOU’RE A SLAVE FOR US YOU CAN’T DENY IT, WHY YOU TRYIN’ TO HIDE IT?

CINDERELLA I GO FROM RAGS STRAIGHT TO RICHES, GET THE HATE FROM STUCK-UP SNITCHES WHO CAN RIP ON MY STITCHES, DON’T FLIP THE SITUATION WHICH IS

(light bulb dawning!)

THAT WITH OR WITHOUT THIS DRESS I’M STILL AN EXCEPTIONAL CATCH AND YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME.

BETANY & BELINDA WE WANT A PIECE OF YOU

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— 65 —

BETANY YOU’RE PRINCESS “LIFESTYLES OF THE POOR AND CLUELESS”

CINDERELLA YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

BELINDA YOU’RE PRINCESS “OH MY GOSH THAT CIN IS USELESS”

CINDERELLA YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

BETANY YOU’RE PRINCESS “EXTRA EXTRA THIS JUST IN”

CINDERELLA YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

BELINDA YOU’RE PRINCESS “CIN JUST CANNOT CATCH A WIN”

CINDERELLA YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!?

CINDERELLA stands, and heads to a door.

BETANY Where are you— what are you doing?

CINDERELLA (then, aha!)

Changing.

(CINDERELLA locks the door behind her. She sizes up what’s left of her dress, then summons her MICE and BIRDS. CINDERELLA works with them to refashion her gown into a dress of her own creation, while BELINDA and BETANY bang on the door.)

RIBBON, SCISSORS, MAYBE AN A LINE? GET THE NEEDLE, DO WE GO KNEE LENGTH? LOOKING BETTER, YES I CAN BREATHE NOW!

BELINDA BETANY! WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN’ ON HERE?

BETANY No idea.

— 66 —

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(BETANY) AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOUT ‘CAUSE—

BELINDA BUT BETANY! SOMETHING’S SERI—

BETANY Bring it down.

BELINDA (lowering her voice) —OUSLY WRONG HERE

BETANY No, I mean “lower your voice.”

BELINDA (bass notes) WHAT’S THIS ALL ABOUT?

CINDERELLA (as she finishes the dress) I’M PRINCESS “WHY CAN’T SHE BE HAPPY WITH THE THINGS THAT SHE GOT?” BUT CHECK IT, SEEKING EQUAL TREATMENT SURE DON’T SEEM LIKE A LOT. SO I AM COMING FOR YOUR KINGDOM,

BETANY & BELINDA UH-OH!

CINDERELLA READY OR NOT. NOW ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

BELINDA I am not at ALL sure at this point.

CINDERELLA bursts out, completely transformed in the chic dress of her own design.

BELINDA and BETANY are stunned.

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CINDERELLA I’M PRINCESS “EVER AFTER’S NOT ENOUGH!” YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? PRINCESS “FREEDOM’S WHAT I’M DREAMING OF”

BELINDA & BETANY (impressed) WE WANT A PIECE OF YOU…

CINDERELLA I’M PRINCESS “OH, I KNOW THERE’S MORE THAN THIS” YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? PRINCESS “I DON’T NEED A PRINCE’S KISS” ‘CAUSE I’M ALREADY A QUEEN!

(CINDERELLA grabs the book from a stunned BELINDA and exits. Outside, she holds out her hand for a songbird.)

Tell the girls to meet me at Rapunzel’s tower!

CINDERELLA hurries away. Transition to:

— 67 —

— 68 —

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SCENE 9—RAPUNZEL’S TOWER PRINCESS AND THE PEA, LITTLE MERMAID, SLEEPING BEAUTY, and SNOW WHITE wait at a wishing well.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA What could the emergency be?

SNOW WHITE (into the well) The emergency is this wishing well! Who has a coin? I wanna make a wish!

(hearing an echo, eyes wide) Somebody’s down there!

CINDERELLA (entering) Ok great, you all got my bird—

SLEEPING BEAUTY Cin, what’s going on, and what are you wearing?

CINDERELLA I’ll explain when we’re all together— where’s Pun?

PRINCESS AND THE PEA I think her story’s being read—

SNOW WHITE What are you doing, Cin? You heard what the Narrator said!

CINDERELLA I did. But well-behaved princesses rarely make history.

(then, re: the tower) We’re going up!

SLEEPING BEAUTY Who us? Up? Can women do that? Won’t our shoulders get broad? Will birds still land on them?!?

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CINDERELLA Let’s find out!

As CINDERELLA scans her surroundings for a way to get up, a cloaked figure emerges from the end of a braid.

It’s PRINCE CHARMING. The PRINCESSES gasp.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Pureheart?

SLEEPING BEAUTY Valiant?

SNOW WHITE Faithful?!

LITTLE MERMAID (MIMED) Eric?

PRINCE CHARMING Oh, hi there! Ah. Wow! You’re all here. Hi everybody.

SLEEPING BEAUTY Are you the Prince in EVERY story?

PRINCE CHARMING … oops.

#1 0 A — Oops … A g a i n (then) I THINK I DID IT AGAIN (I MADE YOU BELIEVE—)

The PRINCESSES cut him off. Nope. Hearing the commotion, RAPUNZEL leans out of her tower—

RAPUNZEL What’s going on down there—

— 69 —

— 70 —

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CINDERELLA Pun, Charming is cheating on you too! On ALL of us!

RAPUNZEL (daggers to PRINCE CHARMING) I’m coming down.

RAPUNZEL leaves. PRINCE CHARMING turns to CINDERELLA.

PRINCE CHARMING I can explain—

CINDERELLA So can I.

#1 1 — W o mani z e r

(CINDERELLA) SUPERSTAR, WHERE YOU FROM HOW’S IT GOIN’?

I KNOW YOU GOT A CLUE WHAT YOU’RE DOIN’ YOU CAN CAST YOUR CHARMS ON GIRLS FROM CASTLES TO THE FARMS BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE, BABY.

SNOW WHITE LOOK AT YOU GETTIN’ ALL AROUND THE KINGDOM!

SLEEPING BEAUTY BABY, YOU GOT ALL US PUPPETS WITH OUR STRINGS UP

PRINCESS AND THE PEA FAKIN’ LIKE A GOOD ONE BUT I CALL ‘EM LIKE I SEE ‘EM. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE, BABY

PRINCESSES WOMANIZER, WOMAN WOMANIZER, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER OH, WOMANIZER, OH, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER BABY YOU, YOU, YOU ARE, YOU, YOU, YOU ARE WOMANIZER, WOMANIZER, WOMANIZER

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— 71 —

PRINCE CHARMING I… I…

PRINCESSES BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW JUST–JUST WHAT YOU ARE

CIN, SNOW, & BEAUTY

MERMAID, PEA, & PUN

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT

I–I KNOW JUST–JUST WHAT YOU AH–ARE.

I–I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU ARE.

YOU!

YOU!

PRINCE CHARMING You’re all crazy.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

RAPUNZEL & LITTLE MERMAID

YOU SAY WE’RE CRAZY?

AH

PRINCESSES YOU!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA

RAPUNZEL & LITTLE MERMAID

WE GOT YOUR CRAZY!

AH

PRINCESSES YOU!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA YOU’RE NOTHIN’ BUT A—

PRINCESSES YOU!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA & SLEEPING BEAUTY WOMANIZER

SNOW WHITE gets in PRINCE CHARMING’s face.

SNOW WHITE CHARMING–O, YOU GOT THE SWAGGER OF A CHAMPION TOO BAD FOR YOU, YOU JUST CAN’T FIND THE RIGHT COMPANION

— 72 —

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SLEEPING BEAUTY I GUESS WHEN YOU HAVE ONE TOO MANY, MAKES IT HARD, IT COULD BE EASY, WHO YOU ARE, THAT’S JUST WHO YOU ARE, BABY.

RAPUNZEL arrives, out of breath.

RAPUNZEL WASHING YOU

(hands on knees) Wow, that’s a lot of stairs.

PRINCE CHARMING That is why I don’t take them up—

RAPUNZEL (absolutely not, pouncing) WASHING YOU RIGHT OUT MY HAIR, DON’T GET IT TWISTED YOU’RE AN ASS, AND AS FOR MINE, BOY, YOU CAN KISS IT! SAY IT, PLAY IT HOW YOU WANNA, BUT MY LOCKS ARE NEVER GONNA FALL FOR YOU, NEVER YOU, BABY

SNOW WHITE PRINCESSIZER, PRINCESS, PRINCESSIZER, YOU’RE A PRINCESSIZER

PRINCESSES OH, PRINCESSIZER, OH, YOU’RE A PRINCESSIZER BABY

PRINCESSES (EXCEPT SNOW WHITE)

(ad lib riff)

YOU, YOU, YOU ARE

YOU

YOU, YOU, YOU ARE!

YOU ARE

SNOW WHITE

PRINCESSES PRINCESSIZER! PRINCESSIZER! PRINCESSIZER!

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

BEAUTY, MERMAID, PEA, & PUN

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW

JUST JUST WHAT YOU ARE

JUST JUST WHAT YOU ARE

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CIN & SNOW

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BEAUTY & MERMAID

— 73 —

PEA & PUN

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT

BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT

I KNOW

I–I KNOW

I–I KNOW

JUST WHAT YOU ARE

JUST JUST WHAT YOU AH–ARE

JUST WHAT YOU ARE

The PRINCESSES grab PRINCE CHARMING and drop him into the wishing well.

PRINCE CHARMING Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!

ALL PRINCESSES WOMANIZER, WOMAN WOMANIZER, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER OH, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER, BABY!

PRINCE CHARMING hits the bottom. Boom.

CINDERELLA Ok! There’s so much to get you all caught up on. So you remember how I was telling you about this scroll thingy I was given?

(producing The Feminine Mystique) This is called a book and its sheets are called pages.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Whoa, this is the best thing since—

(CINDERELLA pulls bread from her bag.)

Has that loaf been SEVERED?

CINDERELLA Yes, and wait ‘til I tell you about something called “peanut butter”! But right now let’s just quickly read this together. This thing is GROUNDBREAKING. Once we’re on the same page about what’s possible, everything’ll make sense!

The PRINCESSES gather round and try to read over CINDERELLA’s shoulder. Chaos.

BEAUTY You can turn. I’m a fast reader.

— 74 —

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PRINCESS AND THE PEA (dryly) Ok, ‘Belle.’

SNOW WHITE Oh I didn’t realize we’d started!

CINDERELLA People, focus! I wish I had copies for everybody—

RAPUNZEL Don’t you get wishes in your story? I’d help a girl out, but I just get healing tears.

SLEEPING BEAUTY Same.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA I literally get a pea. That’s it.

CINDERELLA Let me try.

(closing her eyes) I wish we had more books!

(A new book suddenly appears! CINDERELLA grabs it, and reads the cover.)

“Private Parts, by Howard Stern.”

SLEEPING BEAUTY Cin. How many tales have we read? You’ve got to be ruthlessly specific with wishes.

Try again.

The PRINCESSES gather around CINDERELLA as she revises the wish.

CINDERELLA I wish we had more of Princess Betty’s books.

Poof! O.F.G. appears, holding a stack of books.

FAIRY GODMOTHER Did somebody say I wish?

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(FAIRY GODMOTHER) (taking Private Parts) Oh no, that was a joke, sweetie. I gotcha! I got all of you…

CINDERELLA Oh! Everybody, this is O.F.G.!

PRINCESSES Notorious—

FAIRY GODMOTHER Yes, yes, hello… Ok! Listen up! O.F.G.’s gonna take you to school.

SNOW WHITE Ooh, school! Finally!

O.F.G. hands out The Feminine Mystique.

#1 2 — S c r e a m & S h o u t / I W a n n a G o

FAIRY GODMOTHER O.F.G. is here to—

(deep) BRING THE ACTION WHEN YOU READ THIS IN THE CLUB YOU GOTTA TURN THIS BIT UP YOU GOTTA TURN THIS BIT UP YOU GOTTA TURN THIS BIT UP WHEN WE UP IN THE CLUB ALL EYES ON US ALL EYES ON US ALL EYES ON US SAY IT, GIRLS IN THE CLUB— “WE’VE HAD ENOUGH”

PRINCESSES WE’VE HAD ENOUGH?

(off O.F.G.’s look) WE’VE HAD ENOUGH!

— 75 —

— 76 —

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FAIRY GODMOTHER & CINDERELLA EV’RY PRINCESS IN THE CLUB LET’S WAKE IT UP LET’S WAKE IT UP LET’S WAKE IT UP

SNOW WHITE I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT ALL OUT!

SLEEPING BEAUTY AND SCREAM

RAPUNZEL & PRINCESS AND THE PEA AND SHOUT

LITTLE MERMAID (MIMED) (AND LET IT OUT!)

SNOW WHITE WE SAYIN’ O–E–O-E–O–E–O, WE SAYIN’—

SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES O–E–O-E–O–E–O

ALL PRINCESSES, FAIRY GODMOTHER, & CINDERELLA I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT ALL OUT! AND SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT OUT! WE SAYIN’ O–E–O-E–O–E–O

SLEEPING BEAUTY (translating for LITTLE MERMAID; spoken in rhythm) YOU ARE… NOW? NOW. ROCKING WITH A “SCHOOL” OF PRINCESS SUFFRAGISTS!

The kingdom’s other PRINCESSES rush in, joining the movement!

PRINCESSES OH YEAH! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!

FAIRY GODMOTHER BRING THE ACTION!

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(FAIRY GODMOTHER) (re: her voice) That’s more than a tickle! Now we got a lot of ground to cover. Cin maybe you can summarize, give us the Grimm’s Notes version?

CINDERELLA I can give it a go! Chapter one— BETTY’S AIM: SOLVE THE PROBLEM THAT HAS NO NAME

GOLDILOCKS WOW I LOVE THIS FOR US

GRETEL, PEA, & RED OOH SAME!

RAPUNZEL YO THIS BETTY GIRL’S GOT SOME GAME-GAME-GAME

SNOW WHITE (stunned) HIGH HO! WE DO NOT NEED TO LOVE TO SEW!

SLEEPING BEAUTY OR TO COOK OR TO CLEAN

GOLDILOCKS WHAT? WHOA!

ESMERELDA TIME TO PRACTICE SOME DULCET NO—

BELLE & ESMERELDA NO!

GRETEL, BELLE, & ESMERELDA NO’S!

PRINCESSES YAY! YO!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA LOCK IT DOWN, GOT IT NOW!

— 77 —

— 78 —

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RED BETTY KNOWS WHAT SHE’S TALKIN’ ‘BOUT GET IT GIRL, BURN DOWN THE HOU-HOU-HOUSE

PRINCESSES LET’S GO!

CINDERELLA MAKE A CHANGE IT’S A BRAND NEW DAY! WE ARE DONE BEING WELL-BEHAVED. SO GET OUT OF OUR WAY! LET’S—

PRINCESSES BRING THE ACTION!

FAIRY GODMOTHER That’s the ticket! But— there’s a lot that Betty didn’t cover. So…

CINDERELLA LATELY, I’VE BEEN STUCK IMAGINING WHERE I WANNA GO AND WHAT I REALLY THINK. TIME TO BLOW OUT,

SNOW WHITE BE A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE, SHOW THEM SNOW GON’ BLOW THROUGH EV’RY DOOR THEY SHUT GOING SO OUT.

RAPUNZEL SHAME ON ME

SLEEPING BEAUTY TO NEED RELEASE

PRINCESS AND THE PEA UNCONTROLLABLY.

CINDERELLA & RAPUNZEL I, I, I WANNA GO–O–O ALL THE WAY–AY–AY, DREAMING ALL MY DREAMS TONIGHT.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA & SLEEPING BEAUTY I, I, I WANNA SHOW–OW–OW ALL THE THI–I–INGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND, WHOA.

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CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, RAPUNZEL, & PRINCESS AND THE PEA I, I, I WANNA GO–O–O ALL THE WAY–AY–AY, SCREAMING OUT MY DREAMS TONIGHT.

PRINCESSES I, I, I WANNA SHOW–OW–OW ALL THE THI–I–INGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND, WHOA.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA PRINCESS BETTY KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR US, GOT A MOVEMENT GROOVIN’ READY TO ERUPT TIME TO BLOW OUT

CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, & RAPUNZEL WE’VE BEEN LOCKED UP WHILE OUR STORY’S TOLD, TOLD TO COUNT OUR BLESSINGS TOLD WE CAN’T GROW OLD, TOLD TO STAY OUT

PRINCESSES SHAME ON ME

PRINCES (entering) YES, SHAME ON YOU! YES, SHAME ON YOU!

PRINCESSES TO NEED RELEASE

PRINCES THIS ISN’T WHAT A GIRL SHOULD DO

PRINCESSES UNCONTROLLABLY.

PRINCES CONTROL YOURSELF, WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU? YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY, PUT YOUR DREAMS ASIDE. YOU’RE GONNA BLOW EVERYTHING, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

— 79 —

— 80 —

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CINDERELLA

(PRINCES)

I, I, I WANNA GO-O-O ALL THE

I WANNA GO ALL THE

YOU’LL NEVER GET

WAY-AY-AY, DREAMING ALL

WAY…

AWAY, PUT YOUR

MY DREAMS TONIGHT.

DREAMS ASIDE.

I, I, I WANNA SHOW-OW-OW

I WANNA SHOW

YOU’RE GONNA BLOW

ALL THE THI-I-INGS I GOT

ALL THE THINGS I GOT

EVERYTHING,

RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND.

RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND.

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

WHOA

WHOA

WHOA

WHOA

WHOA

PRINCE CHARMING and the NARRATOR, flanked by the kingdom’s MEN, block the WOMEN’s path.

PRINCE CHARMING Where do you think you’re going?

NARRATOR Yes, where do you think you’re going?

The WOMEN all look at each other. Where, um, exactly are they going?

CINDERELLA thinks. Turns to O.F.G.… who raises her fist. CINDERELLA thinks.

Then…

CINDERELLA On strike.

END OF ACT I

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ACT II #1 3 — En t r ’ a c t e

SCENE 1—THE CASTLE The kingdom has been turned upside down. With the women on strike, no stories can be read…

CINDERELLA HIT IT!

#1 4 — C r a z y

COMPANY CRAZY!

STEPFAMILY & PRINCESSES OW

Lights up on the GIRL, in her room, holding the open book of fairy tales.

She turns it around. Its pages are blank.

GIRL Oh no, the stories—they’re gone! What’s going on? Godmother! Godmother?

At that, a mysterious door appears. The GIRL opens it… and steps through.

Lights up on the NARRATOR, pacing, and on PRINCE CHARMING and the STEPFAMILY.

NARRATOR CINDY I’M SO OVER YOU,

PRINCE CHARMING YOU STARTED SOMETHING, WHAT DID YOU DO?

STEPFAMILY CINDY YOU SPIN ME AROUND, OH, DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD TURN DOWN A CROWN

— 81 —

— 82 —

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NARRATOR, PRINCE CHARMING, & STEPFAMILY THINGS WERE FINE BLIND MICE COULD SEE YOUR LIFE WAS PERFECT, BUT NOW WE AGREE YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY, I JUST CAN’T SLEEP. YOU’VE LOST YOUR MIND GIRL YOU’RE IN TOO DEEP. SO–O–O CRAZY THIS IS NOT ALL RIGHT! BABY THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT!

PRINCE CHARMING TELL ME YOU’RE SO INTO ME THAT I’M THE ONLY ONE YOU WILL SEE

BETANY & BELINDA TELL ME I’M NOT IN THE BLUE OR THAT I’M NOT WASTIN’ MY FEELIN’S ON YOU

PRINCE CHARMING, BETANY, & BELINDA EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT ME MY HEART IS JUMPIN’, IT’S EASY TO SEE!

NARRATOR, PRINCE CHARMING, & STEPFAMILY YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY! I JUST CAN’T SLEEP.

PRINCE CHARMING, BETANY, & BELINDA LOVE UNREQUITED I’M IN SO DEEP.

NARRATOR, PRINCE CHARMING, & STEPFAMILY OH-OH-OH CRAZY! BUT IT FEELS ALL RIGHT BABY THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT

The striking PRINCESSES enter, on their march, holding signs: “WHO YOU CALLING PRINCESS?” “HANDS OFF MY EVER AFTER” “RESCUE THIS”, etc.

PRINCESSES CRAZY!

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— 83 —

(PRINCESSES) WE JUST CAN’T SLEEP! WE’RE SO EXCITED! WE’RE IN SO DEEP! CRAZY BUT IT FEELS ALL RIGHT EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT

NARRATOR Stop!

STEPMOTHER, STEPSISTERS, PRINCES, & NARRATOR YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY, BABY.

PRINCESSES EXCITED, I’M IN TOO DEEP, OH, BUT IT FEELS ALRIGHT!

COMPANY BABY THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY! I JUST CAN’T SLEEP.

STEPMOTHER, STEPSISTERS, PRINCES, & PRINCESSES I’M SO EXCITED

SNOW, BEAUTY, & CIN I’M IN SO DEEP!

COMPANY (EXCEPT SNOW, BEAUTY, & CIN) YOU’RE IN TOO DEEP! OH, CRAZY,

COMPANY (EXCEPT NARRATOR) BUT IT FEELS ALRIGHT!

COMPANY THERE’S NO PAGES TURNING ANYWHERE TONIGHT! THERE’S NO PAGES TURNING ANYWHERE TONIGHT!

#1 4 A — C r a z y P l a y o f f

NARRATOR It’s all ruined. Centuries of tradition lost! And on my watch! Cinderella has destroyed everything! She’ll pay.

— 84 —

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STEPMOTHER (sidling up) In BLOOD.

NARRATOR The children… how could she do this to them?!? Cinderella was our most popular tale!

BETANY It was?!?

BELINDA Go us!

STEPMOTHER You just need another girl to play her.

NARRATOR But there are no other girls! She’s taken ALL of them!

STEPMOTHER Well not ALL of them.

BETANY Gosh, she really has…

BELINDA What a tragedy.

STEPMOTHER Girls.

BELINDA Can we get her back?

BETANY Ooh great idea! What if we sent—

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— 85 —

STEPMOTHER (cutting her off) The Huntsman!

BETANY Why would we send him? Given his track record.

STEPMOTHER WE DO NOT WANT CINDERELLA BACK THAT IS WHY WE ARE SUGGESTING HIM.

BETANY Ah, clever, mother!

STEPMOTHER We just don’t want him to send—

BELINDA CHARMING!

NARRATOR (taking her idea) I’ve got it! Charming!

(then) I shall send Prince Charming! He probably already has a plan! After all, this is a prince who knows how to perform under pressure!

Lights on PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCE ERUDITE rubbing his shoulders.

PRINCE CHARMING That’s too much pressure. Ugh, and now it’s not enough. How could Cin do this? I mean, how selfish can a princess be?! Who am I supposed to kiss now?!? Who’s going to tuck me in? Who is going to scratch the very middle of my back?!?!?

PRINCE ERUDITE Your highness… I too have a problem. It’s a matter of the heart. You know the speech you give, at the ball, about love at first sight?

(off PRINCE CHARMING’s “bleck”) Well, I believe it may have happened to me.

— 86 —

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PRINCE CHARMING You sly dog! What’s her name?

PRINCE ERUDITE … his.

PRINCE CHARMING Oh… my friend. I can’t say that I blame you, nor am I surprised, but sadly my beanstalk—which is giant—is not for—

PRINCE ERUDITE It isn’t you.

PRINCE CHARMING Of course it is.

PRINCE ERUDITE It isn’t.

PRINCE CHARMING But it is.

PRINCE ERUDITE (realizing) I have to go find him.

PRINCE CHARMING Wait, what? No! You can’t leave too!

NARRATOR enters, with STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS in tow.

NARRATOR Charming! We need you to save the day, and get back Cinderella.

PRINCE CHARMING (jumping up) On it!

(then) How.

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— 87 —

STEPMOTHER Exactly. It’s useless. We’ll have to find a replacement girl, go to Plan B. B… hmm, what girl names start with B?

BELINDA Belle!

NARRATOR (considering) Possibly.

BETANY Beauty?

NARRATOR Interesting…

BELINDA Baba Yaga?

STEPMOTHER GIRLS.

NARRATOR (deciding) No, we stick with Plan A. A as in “AS IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN.” We’re not changing things.

PRINCE CHARMING Here for that. In Plan A, I save the day by giving Cin her slipper back. But she has them both already. What else could I give her?

BETANY An ultimatum?!?

NARRATOR A piece of MY mind?!?

STEPMOTHER A lobotomy?

— 88 —

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BELINDA (stepping up) Your full attention. Just listen to her. Show her that you care what SHE has to say.

EVERYBODY stares. Huh.

BETANY That was, wow, B. Oh! Belinda starts with B, mom!

STEPMOTHER So does “boiled her daughters alive.”

NARRATOR (re: BELINDA) Do… what she said. Go.

PRINCE CHARMING At your wish! And with that, I am off to bring back Cinderella’s heart…

EVERYBODY leaves except STEPMOTHER, who stops PRINCE CHARMING as he’s exiting.

STEPMOTHER Oh Charming! You’re so brave. To even attempt this! What’s the plan? Just out of curiosity! I want to help you! If I can!

PRINCE CHARMING considers, then repeats what Belinda said, verbatim.

PRINCE CHARMING I’m going to give Cin my full attention. Listen to her. Show her that I care what she has to say.

STEPMOTHER (recoiling) Oof.

PRINCE CHARMING What? Not good?

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— 89 —

STEPMOTHER Charming. If you’re only Cinderella’s prince, how is that going to make her friends feel?

Rejected. And then they’ll resent her, and the friendships? Kaput. Women can be VERY cruel. What women want is not “a good listener.” Ha! They want to avoid conflict. Muscle gain. Having to think too much.

(hmm!)

I wonder… no.

PRINCE CHARMING No no no, what?!?

STEPMOTHER If you couldn’t ALL be—

PRINCE CHARMING (lightbulb!)

Together! Forever! In one big happy castle!

STEPMOTHER YES! Oh, Charming, that’s so clever! Cinderella is going to LOVE that idea. Love it!

I honestly think you’ve solved it!

PRINCE CHARMING Really?

STEPMOTHER Would I lie to you? HOW did you ever come up with that?!?

#1 5 — 3

PRINCE CHARMING I just put two and two together!

STEPMOTHER And got?

PRINCE CHARMING THREE!

— 90 —

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(PRINCE CHARMING) ONE, TWO, THREE NOT ONLY CIN AND ME, BUT A WHOLE PRINCESS TEAM! AND I’M CAUGHT IN BETWEEN COUNTIN’ ONE, TWO, THREE CINDERELLA, SNOW, ME GETTIN’ DOWN WITH 3P EVERYBODY LOVES—

STEPMOTHER OH. This is an absolute stroke of GENIUS you’ve had, and I don’t say that lightly.

PRINCE CHARMING THREE IS A CHARM

STEPMOTHER (off his wink) Ha!

PRINCE CHARMING TWO IS NOT THE SAME

STEPMOTHER No it isn’t.

I DON’T SEE THE HARM SO ARE YOU GAME?

PRINCE CHARMING LET’S MAKE A TEAM MAKE ‘EM SAY MY NAME LOVIN’ THE EXTREME

STEPMOTHER NOW ARE YOU GAME? ARE YOU IN? LIVIN’ IN SIN IT’S THE NEW THING! ARE YOU IN?

PRINCE CHARMING I AM COUNTIN’!

ONE, TWO, THREE NOT ONLY CIN AND ME,

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STEPMOTHER THERE’S RAPUNZEL AND PEA!

PRINCE CHARMING AND I’M CAUGHT IN BETWEEN COUNTIN’ ONE, TWO, THREE AND IF MERMAID AGREES GETTIN’ DOWN THE 6P! EVERYBODY LOVES—

STEPMOTHER OH. Wow. This is truly… you know what? I’m jealous. There, I said it!

(then) Oh, to be young and beautiful. You get to my age, Charming, and “menopause”… but then they just keep on walking.

PRINCE CHARMING & STEPMOTHER WHAT WE DO IS INNOCENT JUST FOR FUN AND NOTHIN’ MEANT

PRINCE CHARMING IF SHE DON’T LIKE THE COMPANY WE CAN DO IT CIN AND ME! CIN AND ME

Beat.

STEPMOTHER OR THREE… OR FOUR… MAYBE MORE…

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES ONE, TWO, THREE NOT ONLY CIN AND ME

STEPMOTHER GET ONE-EIGHTY DEGREES!

PRINCE CHARMING I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES COUNTIN’ ONE, TWO, THREE

— 91 —

— 92 —

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(PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES) I’LL GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE! AND SHE’LL HAVE TO AGREE

PRINCE CHARMING, STEPMOTHER, & PRINCES EVERYBODY LOVES ME!

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SCENE 2—THE ROAD TO FLATBUSH Later that day, the PRINCESSES are marching triumphantly through the forest.

#1 5 A — G i m me M o r e

PRINCESSES GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE! GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE! GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!

CINDERELLA EVERY TIME THEY TURN OUR RIGHTS DOWN

PRINCESSES JUST WANNA GO THAT EXTRA MILE FOR YOU

PRINCESS AND THE PEA UNITED DISPLAY OF INTENTION

PRINCESSES FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD’S ON THE MOVE, IT’S TRUE!

BELLE BREAKING IT DOWN WHAT WAS LOST BECOMES FOUND

PRINCESSES WE KEEP ON MARCHING WE KEEP ON MARCHING YEAH!

SLEEPING BEAUTY CAN’T STOP THE PASSION WHEN PROTEST’S IN FASHION

GOLDILOCKS THE KINGDOM’S WATCHIN’

ESMERELDA KEEP WATCHIN’ FEELS LIKE THE CROWD IS SAYING

PRINCESSES GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!

(SNOW WHITE riffs ad lib. over the final phrase.)

GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!

— 93 —

— 94 —

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The song concludes, and both the mood and moon is high. Time to make camp!

CINDERELLA Ok! We’re clearly not going to make it to the Narrator’s castle tonight. Let’s stop here!

GRETEL … in the forest?

SLEEPING BEAUTY We’re leaving breadcrumbs, right?

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Oh I ate the— was that what the severed loaf was for?

CINDERELLA Let’s use this time to make our list of demands for the Narrator! We’re gonna take these to him so he can use the Great Quill to rewrite our stories!

Cheers!

CINDERELLA So what do we want?!? No bad ideas!

SNOW WHITE Clumsy can write them down!

GOLDILOCKS That’s definitely a bad idea. And hold on, Clumsy’s here? I thought this was a million princess march.

CINDERELLA Yes but we need male allies!

PRINCE ERUDITE (on cue, arriving) Hi! Prince Erudite.

(excitement from ALL) The Celibate.

(deflated sighs)

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(PRINCE ERUDITE) I heard you’re striking!

CINDERELLA Yes!

PRINCE ERUDITE (eyes on CLUMSY) So striking…

CINDERELLA We’re just about to make a— do you need to talk to Clumsy?

PRINCE ERUDITE Yes. No. What?

CLUMSY (smitten, quill ready) So? Who wants what?

The PRINCESSES are stumped. Unsure what to even ask for…

CINDERELLA (off BELLE’s hand) Yes, Belle!

BELLE I wouldn’t say no to a set of non-verbal china…

GOLDILOCKS More… porridge? Too big an ask? Too small? Wanna get it just right, you know me!

SNOW WHITE A banana? Instead of the apple?

(then) Just to mix up the poisoning.

CINDERELLA What if we think… you know, BIGGER. Anything is possible!

— 95 —

— 96 —

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Silence. They’ve never allowed themselves to think this big before.

PRINCE ERUDITE I’ll go. Can I go? What I’d want… if… anything is possible? What I’d want is…

Sparks fly as CLUMSY realizes…

CLUMSY … love.

PRINCE ERUDITE & CLUMSY True love.

PRINCE ERUDITE nearly faints, and SNOW WHITE catches him.

SNOW WHITE Whoa! You almost fell!

PRINCE ERUDITE I almost fell…

SNOW WHITE (to PRINCESS AND THE PEA) Was he about to kiss me?!?

PRINCESS AND THE PEA He was not.

#1 5 B — S o me t i m e s U n d e r s c o r e PRINCE ERUDITE steps toward CLUMSY. Taking his shot. If anything is possible…

PRINCE ERUDITE … Can I just say, when I first saw you, I was like, oh wow, who is that short drink of water whistling while he werks?

CLUMSY Me? Really? But… I’m so clumsy.

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— 97 —

PRINCE ERUDITE Not with people. I see the way you are with Snow, how you’re always taking care of her… but who’s taking care of you?

CLUMSY … nobody?

PRINCE ERUDITE What if… that was me?

A forever beat. SNOW WHITE moves to CLUMSY and whispers in his ear—

SNOW WHITE Kiss him!

And that’s exactly what he does, to cheers!

CINDERELLA THAT is the kind of change we’re looking for! So? What do you all want, for your stories?

The PRINCESSES are now inspired.

RAPUNZEL I’m going to become a knight!

Cheers for every idea!

BELLE Librarian!

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Allergist!

SLEEPING BEAUTY Beautician!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD Taxidermist!

ESMERELDA Chiropractor!

— 98 —

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SNOW WHITE I’m going to become a BRAIN SURGEON!

SNOW WHITE’s idea is met with a “hmm.”

PRINCESS AND THE PEA But wait— what if the Narrator won’t meet with us?

CINDERELLA Then we will… storm the castle!

RAPUNZEL How will we get in?

CINDERELLA isn’t sure.

CINDERELLA Guys. I have a plan. Let’s make camp and we’ll go over it first thing in the morning!

Ok! The PRINCESSES start making camp. SNOW WHITE approaches CINDERELLA.

SNOW WHITE I’ve been telling everybody, “Do not worry, Cin has a—”

CINDERELLA I do not have a plan.

(CINDERELLA looks around.)

We need O.F.G. I kinda thought she’d show up by now? So I’m gonna go find her.

SNOW WHITE … by yourself? In the forest? Have you read a fairy tale?!?

CINDERELLA Snow, I know you don’t get a fairy godmother and this isn’t a competition BUT you generally need to be in some kind of distress to summon one, so yeah… dark forest, by myself. And look, if I can’t find her, I’ll be back by midnight. That’s kinda my thing.

(then) You’re in charge!

SNOW WHITE Me?!?

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CINDERELLA Snow. You’re so much more than just the fairest…

With that, CINDERELLA sets off on the path into the forest. SNOW WHITE watches her go.

— 99 —

— 100 —

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SCENE 3—ROAD TO STORY’S END CINDERELLA wanders, lost.

CINDERELLA O.F.G.! O.F.G.! O.F.—

PRINCE CHARMING (appearing) How about O–F–Me?

CINDERELLA What are you doing here?

PRINCE CHARMING I came to rescue you.

CINDERELLA … from what?

PRINCE CHARMING From this weird thing you’re doing! Cin. Remember when I said I knew what you were missing? I know what it is, now!

(dramatic pause) Me! At book club! I want us to come. And never leave. It can be all of us, together, in the castle. Team Charming!

(then) 1, 2, 3—

CINDERELLA Gonna stop you there, no. Not even close. I have to go now.

#1 6 — C i n d e r e l l a CINDERELLA turns to leave, and PRINCE CHARMING follows, baffled.

PRINCE CHARMING But your Stepmother said if I—

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— 101 —

CINDERELLA This was her (idea)— of course it was. She is not your friend.

PRINCE CHARMING She’s NOT?

(following her) Why is everything suddenly so complicated? I don’t understand! Cin, stop, please?!

She loses her slipper. He retrieves it and refuses to give it back until she listens.

I USED TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND AND I THOUGHT I DID IT WELL NOW I’M SO CONFUSED WHAT HAPPENED, CINDERELLA? I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SWELL AND NOW YOU SAY WE’RE THROUGH? HERE I AM AND ALL IS FORGIVEN COME HELP ME TELL OUR FAIRY TALE! HERE YOU ARE WALKING THE WORLD ALONE COME ON, COME BACK PLEASE CIN, C’MON HOME!

CINDERELLA I’M SORRY FOR RUNNING AWAY LIKE THIS AND I’M SORRY, I’VE ALREADY MADE MY WISH OH–OH–OH, BUT CINDERELLA’S GOT TO GO

PRINCE CHARMING Cin—

CINDERELLA I’M SORRY JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE DON’T WORRY YOU’RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT O–O–O BUT CINDERELLA’S GOT TO—

PRINCE CHARMING Stay! You can’t just leave, Cin! That’s not how our story goes! You leave, then you come back! You always… remember? And then I find you!

(off CINDERELLA’s silence) I miss you. A lot. And I get that I was the prince in every story and people seem to be weirdly upset about that, but that wasn’t my choice! Do you seriously think I’d choose anybody else if I had a choice? In a million once upon a times? I just want things to go

— 102 —

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(PRINCE CHARMING) back to the way they were! When we were all happy! … weren’t we? All happy? Aren’t I charming?

CINDERELLA You are. … in your way. But I don’t think we’re meant to be together. Do you? Honestly?

Do you honestly think this is true love? What we have?

PRINCE CHARMING Why are you asking so many questions?

CINDERELLA I’M SORRY FOR RUNNING AWAY LIKE THIS AND I’M SOR—

PRINCE CHARMING SHH, PLEASE GIVE ME JUST THIS KISS, O–O–OH

He kisses her. Sincere.

CINDERELLA CINDERELLA’S GOT TO…

Beat, then she hands him her other slipper and PRINCE CHARMING realizes—

PRINCE CHARMING … go.

With that, he lets CINDERELLA go.

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— 103 —

SCENE 4 The NARRATOR and STEPFAMILY are watching, unseen.

STEPMOTHER Welp, we tried!

(motioning to STEPSISTERS) Guess it’s time to consider other girls—

NARRATOR You’re right.

STEPMOTHER I am?

BETANY She is?

BELINDA Who are we talking about?

NARRATOR It doesn’t have to be Cinderella. Any of those girls would do, in a pinch—

STEPMOTHER No, I meant, girls who haven’t turned their backs on everything you’ve done for them, girls who’ve stuck by you through thick and thin.

She pushes the STEPSISTERS forward.

NARRATOR But who?

STEPMOTHER But who?!

(then) I wonder if there are any other girls we aren’t thinking of. The answer could be right under our noses. Sisters? Are there sisters—

— 104 —

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NARRATOR I’ve got it.

STEPMOTHER (instant pivot) Yes?

NARRATOR The old woman, who lives in the shoe!

STEPMOTHER Oh I don’t think that would work. There’s the age difference, plus she has so many children—

BELINDA Yeah, I babysat for her once, and I actually sat on a baby. Because they’re everywhere.

NARRATOR Wait, I’ve solved it!

STEPMOTHER You have?

NARRATOR Your daughters!

STEPMOTHER … who?

NARRATOR You have a pair of daughters.

STEPMOTHER Do I? Oh, I do! How did you ever—

NARRATOR It just came to me.

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— 105 —

STEPMOTHER Genius. Lemme see if I can find them… oh look, they’re RIGHT HERE. We can do this right now!

NARRATOR (reconsidering) Of course, those other girls, they’ll turn around eventually. And when they do…

STEPMOTHER Don’t let them! These girls are never going to be anything but trouble for you!

Banish them. Bring the movement to its knees. DESTROY THEM.

NARRATOR Banish them?

STEPMOTHER ALL of them.

BETANY Easy mom…

STEPMOTHER eyes the NARRATOR. Weighs playing her strongest card…

STEPMOTHER (then) You’ve never actually done it, have you. Banished anybody.

NARRATOR I banished O.F.G.!

STEPMOTHER (quietly) Oh I think we both knew she left. Just up and… “walked away”…

(STEPMOTHER knows how far to push. She moves to him. Whispers in his ear, building him back up—) You’re the Narrator. You have the power. Use it.

Lights up on the movement, asleep in the campsite. The NARRATOR and STEPMOTHER now begin moving among them.

— 106 —

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#1 7 — To x i c

(STEPMOTHER) BABY, CAN’T YOU HEAR YOUR CALLING A GUY LIKE YOU SHOULD WEAR A WARNING YOU’RE DANGEROUS, GO ALL IN…

(With her encouragement, NARRATOR discovers that he does indeed have the power.

He moves his hand and one by one, the PRINCESSES begin to move with him, slipping under his command.)

THERE’S NO ESCAPE, I CAN’T WAIT. I NEED A HIT, BABY, GIMME IT. YOU’RE DANGEROUS I’M LOVING IT.

SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES AH

OTHER PRINCESSES AH

STEPMOTHER TOO HIGH, CAN’T COME DOWN LOSING THEIR HEADS, SPIN THEM ROUND AND ROUND. DO YOU FEEL ME NOW?

SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES AH

OTHER PRINCESSES AH

ALL PRINCESSES AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH

STEPMOTHER WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST THEY’RE ON A RIDE. THEY’RE TOXIC,

PRINCESSES I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER

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— 107 —

STEPMOTHER WITH A TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE

STEPMOTHER & PRINCESSES I’M ADDICTED TO YOU

STEPMOTHER

SCROLL CLUB (+ OTHER PRINCESSES)

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THEY’RE TOXIC?

(HAH) HAH (AH)

AND I LOVE WHAT YOU DO,

(I LOVE WHAT YOU DO)

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THEY’RE TOXIC?

ALL PRINCESSES

STEPMOTHER

AHHHH

AH AH AH AH AH

AHHHH AHHHH

AH AH AH AH AH

AHHHH

STEPMOTHER

SCROLL CLUB (+ OTHER PRINCESSES)

TOO HIGH CAN’T COME DOWN

TOO HIGH CAN’T COME DOWN

IT’S IN THE AIR AND IT’S ALL AROUND

(IN THE AIR ALL AROUND) (AH)

CAN YOU FEEL ME NOW? WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST THEY’RE ON A

(UH UH)

RIDE.

STEPMOTHER, NARRATOR, PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE YOU’RE TOXIC, I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER!

STEPMOTHER

PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE

WITH A TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE I’M ADDICTED TO YOU DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

AH AH

NARRATOR puppet dances his CHARACTERS.

PRINCESSES AH AH AH AH AH

— 108 —

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STEPMOTHER DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

ALL INTOXICATE ME NOW WITH YOUR POWER NOW!

STEPMOTHER & NARRATOR I THINK I’M READY NOW!

ALL WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST THEY’RE ON A RIDE. YOU’RE TOXIC, I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER!

STEPMOTHER & NARRATOR TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE

ALL I’M ADDICTED TO YOU

STEPMOTHER & NARRATOR DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

PRINCESSES (CLUMSY & PRINCE ERUDITE) AH AH (TOXIC) TOXIC

PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE AND I LOVE WHAT YOU DO

LOVE WHAT YOU DO

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

AH AH

SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES AH AH AH AH AH

STEPMOTHER

CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, & OTHER PRINCESSES

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

YOU’RE TOXIC, I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER

ALL PRINCESSES AH AH AH AH AH

STEPMOTHER

PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE

AH AH AH

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE,

AHHHHHH

KNOW THAT YOU’RE,

AAAAAAAHHHHH

KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?

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WHOOSH! All of Cinderella’s FRIENDS are sent off to Story’s End, vanishing into thin air.

Silence.

#1 7 A — B a n i s h me n t Then SNOW WHITE appears, the only princess remaining.

NARRATOR Where is Cinderella?

SNOW WHITE What have you done with—

NARRATOR Where is she?!? Tell me and I’ll spare you.

SNOW WHITE sees the STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS, watching.

She looks to NARRATOR.

SNOW WHITE No.

NARRATOR considers, then...

NARRATOR Foolish girl.

Whoosh! He sends her to Story’s End.

BETANY This is crazy! You can’t get rid of everybody!

BELINDA Mom, tell him! What’s he doing?

STEPMOTHER … what’s necessary.

BETANY But it’s so… mean.

— 109 —

— 110 —

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STEPMOTHER Well… the end justifies the mean! Wake up, princesses—fairy tales are dark. This is the world we live in.

Beat, then BETANY and BELINDA rush the NARRATOR!

BETANY & BELINDA Bring them back!

He raises his hand and places both of them under his command.

STEPMOTHER What are you (doing)—

(NARRATOR flicks them away, banishing them to Story’s End too.)

What have you done??!

NARRATOR You a favor! How were you going to choose which daughter marries Charming?

(off her silence) … do we have a problem?

(STEPMOTHER stares, frozen.)

Good.

(then) Happy ever after.

NARRATOR turns, and vanishes through the banishment portal without a word.

STEPMOTHER screams. Primal.

CINDERELLA, returning, is drawn to the sound.

CINDERELLA What are you doing here? Where are the girls?!?

STEPMOTHER can’t look at her. The intercom lights up, red.

NARRATOR (V.O.) Yes where are the girls? Where could they be…

(MORE)

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(NARRATOR) (then) Cinderella, be at the palace by—shall we say midnight?—where you will marry Prince Charming, or join your friends in Story’s End.

Click. CINDERELLA stares at STEPMOTHER, in shock.

STEPMOTHER Oh Cinderella, I never (meant)—

CINDERELLA GO.

#1 7 B — S t r o n g e r ( R e p r i s e )

#1 8 — Ev e r y t i me STEPMOTHER gathers herself, then leaves CINDERELLA alone, lost, devastated.

(CINDERELLA) LOST MY WAY, LOST MY MIND KNEW THEM ONCE UPON A TIME I HAD IT ALL AND MAYBE I WAS HAPPY EVERYTIME I TRY TO FLY I FALL, WITHOUT MY WINGS I FEEL SO SMALL. I GUESS I NEED YOU BABY? AND EVERYTIME I SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS I SEE YOUR FACE, YOU’RE HAUNTING ME. I GUESS I NEED YOU BABY? I MAKE BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE HERE IT’S THE ONLY WAY I SEE CLEAR WHY LEAVE ME NOW? YOU SEEM TO MOVE ON EASY EVERYTIME I TRY TO FLY I FALL, I GUESS A GIRL CAN’T HAVE IT ALL OH WAS I WRONG FOR WANTING? EVERYTIME I TRY TO DREAM MY DREAM I SEE IT FADE IN FRONT OF ME AND NOW THAT DREAM, IT HAUNTS ME…

— 111 —

— 112 —

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(CINDERELLA) I THOUGHT THE WORLD COULD CHANGE PLEASE FORGIVE ME ALL PAIN AND NOTHING GAINED

Lights on the GIRL, who appears, holding her book of fairy tales.

CINDERELLA & GIRL AND THIS SONG’S MY SORRY…

CINDERELLA Who are you?! What are you doing this close to Story’s End?!? You could get eaten by the wolf, or stepped on by the Giant, or—

GIRL You’re Cinderella! Your story is my favorite!

CINDERELLA Wait hold up—are you a READER?!? How’d you get here?!?

GIRL I was looking for my godmother. This is her favorite book, and… I think I ruined it.

(showing the cover) It still says “Once Upon a Time” and “Happy Ever After” but inside it’s… empty…

She opens the book and shows her the blank pages.

CINDERELLA Oh no, you didn’t ruin it. I did. I ruined everything…

(looking at campsite) All my friends, the other princesses, they…

(She can’t bring herself to tell the GIRL. CINDERELLA takes the book from her and reads the back cover.) “… Happy Ever After.” That was the idea… Oh what was I thinking?!? I questioned my, well…

(re: the cover) this, and O.F.G. made me think I could “right” my fairy tale, which was so not true… but I got all the princesses to go on strike for things like equal pay, and, what else, oh!

We found out our prince was cheating on…

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— 113 —

(CINDERELLA) (realizing the GIRL’s age) tests… and I thought we could improve our lives, but look where it’s gotten us.

The story’s ruined…

GIRL (beat, then) But I love your story.

CINDERELLA I did too. The dress, the ball, the shoes, but—

GIRL No, not that story, your NEW story. The one you just told me!

CINDERELLA (floored) … really? You love it? But it’s not… how did you even recognize me?

GIRL You’re Cinderella.

CINDERELLA Am I? Look at me. I don’t even have my slippers!

CINDERELLA sits, barefoot, lost. Her sadness prompts the GIRL to take a seat next to her.

GIRL Why can’t you get new slippers?! I have to get new shoes all the time. Look, these are too small for me now…

(At that, she takes off her shoes.)

My godmother says if you don’t change…

(then) You can’t grow.

CINDERELLA takes one of the GIRL’s shoes in her hand. Considering this new wisdom.

Then…

— 114 —

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CINDERELLA Sounds like you have a very wise Godmother.

FAIRY GODMOTHER (then, entering) She has her moments.

CINDERELLA O.F.G.! Where’ve you been?

FAIRY GODMOTHER (re: the GIRL) Looking for her.

GIRL I was looking for you.

CINDERELLA Waitwaitwait, SHE’s your godmother? You live in the paradise of Flatbush?!?

FAIRY GODMOTHER Brooklyn, baby!

CINDERELLA Oh O.F.G., the Narrator, he’s banished everybody! What do we do? Can you get them back?

FAIRY GODMOTHER (then, finally) It’s not my story, Cinderella…

CINDERELLA Then I have to go to the Narrator’s castle…

FAIRY GODMOTHER We’re coming with you.

CINDERELLA No way, she’s just a child!

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— 115 —

(CINDERELLA) (to the GIRL) Don’t you want to go home?

GIRL And miss this?!? I want to know how the story ends! Do you still live happy ever after?

I have to know!

CINDERELLA … so do I.

At that, they set off together for…

— 116 —

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SCENE 5—NARRATOR’S PALACE Where the stage is set for a grand wedding. Organ music plays as NARRATOR waits to narrate.

PRINCE CHARMING stands next to the iconic slipper. Just waiting for a certain foot.

#1 8 A — M ake M e R e p r i s e

PRINCES AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOH! AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOH!

The clock begins to strike midnight.

Eight, nine, ten… is Cinderella not going to show?

Eleven… and CINDERELLA’s there.

O.F.G. and the GIRL perch offstage, watching. Waiting to see how the story unfolds.

Waiting to see what’s going to happen…

CINDERELLA stops at the slippers.

NARRATOR Ah Cinderella, you’ve returned! As I knew you would. Come to your senses, and realized the glass slipper fit you all along. So now you get to decide! Marry Prince Charming… or join your friends in Story’s End.

#1 9 — S t r o n g e r Pa r t 1 With that he points, revealing the CHARACTERS trapped in Story’s End, frozen in slumber.

Shock and horror from the PRINCES.

PRINCE CHARMING You didn’t tell us you banished them! How could you?

NARRATOR But how could I not?!?

(to the room) Any objections?

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— 117 —

(NARRATOR) (to CINDERELLA) Speak now or forever hold your peace.

CINDERELLA is silent.

Lights on the GIRL, watching with STEPMOTHER, engrossed in the story happening before her…

GIRL Say something, Cinderella!

PRINCE CHARMING You don’t have to do this.

CINDERELLA stares at the glass slipper he’s holding.

CINDERELLA … I do.

PRINCE CHARMING puts the slipper down, unsure.

CINDERELLA steps toward it, and him.

NARRATOR And so it was that Cinderella and her prince Charming were married, their union sealed by true love—

CINDERELLA Hush just STOP. THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY

NARRATOR You are making a terrible mistake, Cinderella!

CINDERELLA I’VE HAD ENOUGH I’M NOT YOUR PROPERTY AS FROM TODAY

NARRATOR Then you give me no choice—

CINDERELLA YOU MIGHT THINK THAT I WON’T MAKE IT

— 118 —

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(The NARRATOR uses his power to draw CINDERELLA to him, in close, inches from his face.

The Banishment Portal appears, opening, as they battle for control.

NARRATOR waves his hand to banish CINDERELLA to Story’s End. CINDERELLA doesn’t move.)

(CINDERELLA) BUT YOU’RE WRONG

CINDERELLA raises the slipper.

NARRATOR What do you think you’re doing?!?

CINDERELLA looks to the GIRL. To O.F.G. To the NARRATOR.

CINDERELLA Righting a fairy tale.

(then) I! AM! STRONGER!

At that, CINDERELLA shatters her glass slipper, and it dissolves into a tornado of glitter.

The tornado sweeps up the NARRATOR, carrying him off to Story’s End through the banishment portal.

Light and color paint the stage as the PRINCESSES begin awakening. Returning…

PRINCESSES HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE WE GO…

(The chorus grows, as more CHARACTERS are awoken by CINDERELLA’s power.)

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(PRINCESSES) HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO!

The last to return is SNOW WHITE.

SNOW WHITE ALL RIGHT!

A burst of light, and the rescued PRINCESSES link arms and step forward together.

PRINCESSES STRONGER! STRONGER! THAN WE EVER THOUGHT THAT WE COULD BE, BABY. WE USED TO GO WITH THE FLOW DIDN’T REALLY CARE ABOUT ME. YOU MIGHT THINK THAT WE CAN’T TAKE IT BUT YOU’RE WRONG STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY! IT’S NOTHING BUT OUR WAY! OUR LONELINESS AIN’T KILLIN’ US NO MORE, WE ARE

PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!

LITTLE MERMAID STRONGER! …

+ PRINCES NOW IT’S NOTHING BUT OUR WAY!

IT’S NOTHING BUT OUR WAY!

+ LITTLE MERMAID

STEPFAMILY

WE KNOW THAT WE CAN MAKE IT

OUR LONELINESS AIN’T KILLING

ON OUR OWN!

US NO MORE!

ALL WE ARE STRONGER!

SNOW WHITE Cin, you rescued us! How?

CINDERELLA considers the pieces of the glass slipper that she’s holding. Piecing together what happened…

— 119 —

— 120 —

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CINDERELLA I broke the spell? Made a wish— and was ruthlessly specific. And here you are…

(then) My Happy Ever After… I couldn’t imagine it without you all here.

LITTLE MERMAID Hear, hear!

(stunned) I CAN SPEAK!

Pure joy as the kingdom realizes that LITTLE MERMAID’s voice has been restored!

SNOW WHITE We all live happy ever after!

RAPUNZEL Except him.

Lights on the NARRATOR, trapped in Story’s End.

PRINCESSES (faux dulcet tones) Sorry…

CINDERELLA No. I don’t think that’s the story we want to tell.

The PRINCESSES consider. SNOW WHITE steps forward. Speaking for all of them.

SNOW WHITE She’s right.

CINDERELLA (to FAIRY GODMOTHER) Can you give him a chance to right his fairy tale?

FAIRY GODMOTHER You can.

She hands CINDERELLA her wand. Beat, then CINDERELLA waves it and…

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— 121 —

NARRATOR is freed.

NARRATOR What… how did…

(seeing FAIRY GODMOTHER) You! Of course you’re behind this! I knew I smelled insubordination!

FAIRY GODMOTHER Oh, my perfume? It’s called “Curious.” Which you must be on some level, about why all of this is happening?

NARRATOR pauses. If he’s honest… he is curious. As he considers—the GIRL bounds forward.

GIRL I am! Finish the story!

LITTLE MERMAID Who is this?!?

NARRATOR A reader!

CINDERELLA Yes. This is one of our most clever readers. She’s the person who taught me that we can change our stories.

NARRATOR (to the GIRL) But you don’t like change!

GIRL Says who?!? I love this story!

NARRATOR (floored) You do?!?

GIRL Yes! And I love your voice!

— 122 —

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NARRATOR You do?

(resonant) … you do?

NARRATOR’s world is rocked. Everything he thought he knew. Changed.

CINDERELLA We can change our stories.

(then) So what will be yours?

NARRATOR I’m just the Narrator. I don’t have a story. I don’t even have a name.

SNOW WHITE So pick a name!

Encouragement from ALL. Pick a name!

NARRATOR … Steve?

CINDERELLA (“huh”) Steve. Ok. Sure.

The CHARACTERS try to rall around “Steve” as his name. The NARRATOR looks around this new kingdom.

Trying to process the change.

NARRATOR Well perhaps… a few adjustments could be made around here. A bit of fine tuning…

STEPMOTHER But that’s what I’ve been trying to tell “Steve” for hundreds of years! I’ve been trying!

In my way, I’ve…

FAIRY GODMOTHER You did what you could with what you thought you had.

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— 123 —

STEPMOTHER Yes, exactly, I…

(then, genuine) Thank you.

GIRL What happens now?!?

CINDERELLA We start over. We have to build something… new. Magical.

(looking to O.F.G.) Our own Flat Bush.

#2 0 — S t r o n g e r Pa r t 2

NARRATOR Tell me what you want—all of you. I’ll write it down! Steve presents, “New Fairy Tales, for a New Age!”

CINDERELLA No. We need to write our own stories. To figure out what happy ever after means to each of us. Come on. Let’s turn the page. Together.

NARRATOR considers her offer. A fresh start. This new beginning.

NARRATOR … this is hard!

PRINCE CHARMING We can do this.

CINDERELLA Together.

WE ARE STRONGER

SNOW WHITE THAN WE EVER THOUGHT THAT WE COULD BE

— 124 —

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PRINCE CHARMING I USED TO GO WITH THE FLOW

STEPMOTHER ONLY EVER CARED ABOUT ME

CINDERELLA (approaching the NARRATOR) YOU MIGHT THINK THAT WE WON’T MAKE IT

NARRATOR considers, as ALL watch to see what he’ll do.

NARRATOR (then) … BUT I’M WRONG.

COMPANY YOU ARE STRONGER…

At that, NARRATOR removes the ornate key from round his neck, and hands it to CINDERELLA. CINDERELLA looks to the GIRL, standing with O.F.G. Gestures for her to come.

When she does…

CINDERELLA places the key around her neck.

At that, the orb containing the Great Quill begins to descend…

CINDERELLA Once upon a time there was a girl who wanted…

The GIRL moves center stage with her book, and sits, opening it…

SNOW WHITE Fairness?

PRINCESS AND THE PEA Comfort?

SLEEPING BEAUTY Beauty?

RAPUNZEL Bravery?

Once Upon

a

One More Time

CLUMSY & PRINCE ERUDITE Love?

BETANY Friendship?

BELINDA Confidence?

STEPMOTHER Family?

LITTLE MERMAID … a voice?

CINDERELLA watches the GIRL. Considers.

Has her answer.

CINDERELLA It ALL.

FAIRY GODMOTHER (to CINDERELLA) Atta girl.

(taking the GIRL’s hand) And now it’s time for us to go. We’ve got more work to do in America.

She gathers herself to leave.

CINDERELLA Thank you, O.F.— hey wait, do you have a name?

FAIRY GODMOTHER I do! Elizabeth.

(then) Betty, to my friends.

— 125 —

— 126 —

Once Upon

a

One More Time

COMPANY SHOW ME HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE TELL ME BABY, ‘CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW…

And now O.F.G. hands the GIRL her own quill, leans in and says to her…

FAIRY GODMOTHER Tell me a story…

At that, the GIRL opens the blank book of fairy tales and begins to write…

COMPANY ONCE UPON A… GIVE ME A SIGN ONCE UPON A… GIVE ME A SIGN ONCE UPON A… ONCE UPON A… ONCE UPON A ONE MORE…

(And now the ENTIRE COMPANY receives their own quills, to write their stories…)

TIME.

Lights.

END OF ACT II

Once Upon

a

One More Time

— 127 —

#2 1 — B o ws ( I W a n n a G o )

#2 2 — M e g a mi x

BRITNEY It’s Britney, bitch…

COMPANY MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE, (STILL BELIEVE) WHEN I’M NOT WITH YOU I LOSE MY MIND GIVE ME A SIGN, HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME! EVERY TIME THEY TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN KEEP WATCHIN’ JUST WANNA GO THAT EXTRA MILE FOR YOU. YOU GOT MY DISPLAY OF AFFECTION. KEEP WATCHIN’ FEELS LIKE NO ONE ELSE IN THE ROOM BUT YOU… GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE

COMPANY

OTHER COMPANY

GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE

EV’RY TIME THEY TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN

GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE

EV’RY TIME THEY TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

GIVE ME A SIGN,

GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME

GIVE ME A SIGN,

COMPANY HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME! WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH

— 128 —

Once Upon

a

One More Time

(COMPANY) I CAN’T TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE NO MORE NEVER FELT LIKE FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE COME ON GET ME, GET ME ON THE FLOOR DJ WHAT YOU WHAT YOU WAITING FOR? WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH SEE THE SUNLIGHT WE AIN’T STOPPING KEEP ON DANCING TILL THE WORLDS ENDS IF YOU FEEL IT LET IT HAPPEN KEEP ON DANCING TILL THE WORLDS ENDS KEEP ON DANCING TILL THE WORLDS ENDS KEEP ON DANCING HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

Confetti cannons explode and a thousand live tigers are released into the theater.

END OF SHOW #2 3 — Ex i t M u s i c