
Based on the music performed and recorded by
Based on the music performed and recorded by
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Book © 2021, 2023 Jon Hartmere
All rights reserved.
(Last Revised—August 2024)
Cinderella
Prince Charming
Stepmother
Narrator
Fairy Godmother (The O.F.G.)
Snow White
Belinda and Betany
Prince Erudite
Clumsy
Girl
Princesses:
Belle, Rapunzel, Esmerelda, Sleeping Beauty, Gretel, Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks, Princess and the Pea, Little Mermaid
Princes:
Prince Brawny, Prince Ebullient, Prince Mischievous, Prince Gregarious, Prince Suave, Prince Affable
In darkness, a CHILD makes a timeless request—
(V.O.)
Read me a story…
The SHADOW of an older woman asks—
(off)
Which story?
At this, our NARRATOR appears, wearing a golden key around his neck. He cups his hands, reaching across time and space to whisper to the child—
A fairy tale…
Lights up on the GIRL, holding an ornate tome.
“ONCE UPON A TIME…” is written large on the cover. “… HAPPY EVER AFTER” on the back.
GIRL
A fairy tale!
Pleased, the NARRATOR reaches into a pocket… then blows fairy dust to paint the night sky. A canvas of stars begins twinkling.
He turns toward a most fantastic orb, center stage. A quill sits inside, resting atop a bound scroll. Both inarguably magical…
A final glance around… then he raises the orb skyward.
As the GIRL opens the book, the quill lights up, and the NARRATOR springs into action.
NARRATOR
Ready all! The child is choosing! Anybody’s tale could be chosen tonight! Whose will it be???
At this, PRINCESSES appear, in shadow. Hands, gestures, pieces of iconic costumes. The GIRL flips the page. The quill pulses and the NARRATOR calls for—
#1—…One More Time
NARRATOR
Snow White!
SNOW WHITE steps forward, pitching her story to the child.
SNOW WHITE
OH BABY, BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT SOMETHING WASN’T RIGHT HERE?
Page flip! SLEEPING BEAUTY’s up!
Sleeping Beauty!
NARRATOR
SLEEPING BEAUTY
OH BABY, BABY, I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET YOU GO AND NOW YOU’RE OUT OF SIGHT YEAH
PRINCESSES begin moving toward the GIRL, auditioning for her, hoping to be chosen.
RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY SHOW ME
SNOW & BEAUTY HOW YOU WANT ME CHOOSE ME
RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY TELL ME BABY
SNOW & BEAUTY
‘CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW NOW,
RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY OH BECAUSE
ALL PRINCESSES
MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME
GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, & BELLE
AND I
RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW, & BEAUTY
I MUST CONFESS, I STILL BELIEVE
ALL PRINCESSES (EXCEPT SNOW & BEAUTY)
STILL BELIEVE!
SNOW, BEAUTY, & RAPUNZEL
IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL LOSE MY MIND!
ALL PRINCESSES
GIVE ME A SIGN!
PICK ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!
Page flip! The GIRL is still undecided. She flips to—
NARRATOR
Princess and the Pea, you’re up!
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
OH BABY, BABY, THE REASON I SLEEP IS YOU PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME STRANDED
NARRATOR
Rapunzel!
RAPUNZEL
OH SAY ME BABY I’VE GOT SUCH A TOWERING NEED! I’M NOT SURE I CAN STAND IT!
RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY
SHOW ME
SNOW, BEAUTY, & RAPUNZEL
HOW YOU WANT ME
RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY
CHOOSE ME
TELL ME BABY
SNOW, BEAUTY, & RAPUNZEL
‘CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW NOW
RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY OH BECAUSE
ALL PRINCESSES
MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME
GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, & BELLE AND I
RAPUNZEL, PEA, LITTLE, SNOW & BEAUTY I MUST CONFESS, I STILL BELIEVE
PEA, RAPUNZEL, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, & BELLE STILL BELIEVE!
SNOW, BEAUTY, LITTLE, GOLDILOCKS, & GRETEL IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL LOSE MY MIND!
ALL PRINCESSES
GIVE ME A SIGN!
PICK ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!
EVERYBODY leans in, breathless. But the GIRL is still undecided.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
(off)
Ok, sweetie, maybe it’s time to go to (bed)—
GIRL
NO! Cinderella!
FAIRY GODMOTHER (off)
Ah yes, Cinderella…
Lights up on a slipper. The quill pulses and CINDERELLA is slowly revealed… CINDERELLA
OH BABY, BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & RED OOH
CINDERELLA pauses before bending to retrieve her iconic slipper. Considering.
PEA, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, & LITTLE OOH
CINDERELLA, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & LITTLE RED
OH PRETTY BABY, CINDERELLA
I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET YOU GO
PEA, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, LITTLE, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & RED
HA AH
PEA, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, LITTLE, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, & RED
AAH
CINDERELLA
I MUST CONFESS THAT MY LONELINESS IS KILLIN’ ME NOW, DON’T YOU KNOW I STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL BE HERE AND GIVE ME A SIGN PRINCE CHARMING enters with STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS. ONCE UPON A ONE MORE TIME!
CINDERELLA, STEPFAMILY, & PRINCESSES
I MUST CONFESS THAT MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME NOW DON’T YOU KNOW I STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL BE HERE AND GIVE ME A SIGN
Charming’s PRINCES join him, and the full glory of Cinderella’s castle is revealed.
CINDERELLA, STEPFAMILY, CHARMING, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, CLUMSY, & PRINCES
LET’S GET TO YES!
MY TALE’S THE BEST! IT’S THRILLING AND WOW
DON’T YOU KNOW YOU WON’T BELIEVE THE THINGS THAT YOU’LL HEAR
HERE IF YOU PICK MINE
ALL OTHERS
MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME (AND I!)
I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE (STILL BELIEVE!)
IF YOU DON’T PICK ME I’LL LOSE MY MIND GIVE ME A SIGN
ALL
ONCE UPON A!
ONCE UPON A!
CINDERELLA, STEPMOTHER, SNOW, BEAUTY, GOLDILOCKS, GRETEL, RED, ESMERELDA, BELLE, CHARMING, SUAVE, & CLUMSY
ONCE UPON A!
BETANY, BELINDA, PEA, LITTLE, RAPUNZEL, ERUDITE, AFFABLE, GREGARIOUS, MISCHIEVOUS, & BRAWNY
ONCE UPON A!
GIVE ME A SIGN!
ALL
ONCE UPON A ONE MORE TIME!
Jazz hands! Fan kicks! Razzle dazzle!
They’ve left it all on the floor. The NARRATOR looks to check. Have they done it???!
#1A—Happy Ever After
SFX: Snoring.
And… she’s asleep! Child’s asleep! Well done, everybody. All characters are now released. Suddenly, it’s like a set being struck. We are now backstage in the world of fairy tales.
Thank you all, and happy ever after.
ALL
Happy ever after.
That’s the “aloha” of the kingdom.
PRINCE CHARMING sweeps through, trailed by STEPSISTERS and STEPMOTHER.
STEPMOTHER
There he is, girls. And Cinderella’s nowhere to be found. Belinda, Betany! Showtime. Like we practiced!
(instructions!)
Silly giggle. Hair flip. You’re hard to get! But easy to love. Eyes aflutter! Tums aflatter! GO She pushes them toward PRINCE CHARMING… who blows right on by them.
(to STEPMOTHER)
I thought that went well.
Same!
BETANY
STEPMOTHER
Ugh.
They exit as PRINCE CHARMING moves to CINDERELLA.
PRINCE CHARMING
Hi! How’s my favorite 8 1/2 narrow?
CINDERELLA
Oh hi! She is… thinking.
Thinking? Ugh. Why?
I was wondering—
How my biceps can be this big?
PRINCE CHARMING
CINDERELLA
PRINCE CHARMING
CINDERELLA
No. Well, sorta… but no, I just, I was thinking about us! And… would you ever want to come to Scroll Club?
PRINCE CHARMING
Scroll Club?
CINDERELLA
Yeah! The girls and I get together every waxing gibbous moon to talk about the stories in the Great Scroll.
(CINDERELLA points up to the Orb, containing the Great Scroll…) I thought if you and I did more things (together)
PRINCE CHARMING
Ha! Oh. You’re serious. I don’t “read.”
CINDERELLA
Really? As Prince, don’t you think you should— He puts his fingers over her lips.
PRINCE CHARMING
Shhh. Let me tell you how the world works. I’m not paid to think. Neither are you. You’re paid to be pretty, and I’m paid to be charming.
CINDERELLA
What do you mean, paid? I don’t get paid—
PRINCE CHARMING
You don’t? Per story? Huh.
CINDERELLA
… wait, do you get paid for this work—
PRINCE CHARMING
Shh. Maybe. It doesn’t matter. What matters is us. You. Me. Happy ever after. (seeing her frown)
Hey, smile! There. You’re so much prettier when you smile… CINDERELLA sits in her smile.
CINDERELLA
… do you ever feel like something’s… missing? In our story? It’s just… never mind. I’m being so silly!
PRINCE CHARMING
No, what’s up?
CINDERELLA
Really? I guess I’ve been feeling weirdly… flat, lately? And you don’t have to fix it— just having somebody to listen—
PRINCE CHARMING
I know what it is. What you’re missing.
CINDERELLA
… you do?
PRINCE CHARMING
A baby.
#2—Make Me
What?
CINDERELLA
PRINCE CHARMING
A baby. Like a small human? Storks bring them?
CINDERELLA
I know what a baby is—
PRINCE CHARMING
Great. Let’s do this! (He snaps his fingers. A candlelit table appears. Mood lighting.) CIN?
CINDERELLA
… yes?
PRINCE CHARMING
BEEN DREAMIN’ A MILE A MINUTE ‘BOUT THIS, PRINCESS THIS FEELIN’ I WANNA GO WITH IT LET’S BEGIN THIS AND KISS TILL A BIRDIE BRINGS A CHILD A CHARMING CHILD
So actually, I’m not sure that’s—
PRINCE CHARMING JUST WANT YOU TO MAKE ME MOVE, LIKE IT AIN’T A CHOICE FOR YOU, LIKE YOU GOT A JOB TO DO. JUST WANT YOU TO RAISE MY ROOF, A band of PRINCES appears, to serenade CINDERELLA.
PRINCE CHARMING
SOMETHING SENSATIONAL, AND MAKE ME OOOH…
But see the thing is—
PRINCES
SOMETHING SENSATIONAL, –SATIONAL AND MAKE ME OOOH…
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH OH BABY ‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE FLAME I CAN’T DO WITHOUT MY HEART’S ON FIRE WHEN YOU’RE AROUND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
PRINCES (spoken)
YEAH, CHARMING.
PRINCE CHARMING (spoken)
I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE DRESSED TO CLEAN OR IN A BALL GOWN PRINCESS OR PEASANT FROM A SMALL TOWN SAID I’M READY TO GIVE YOU MY ALL NOW
WE BOTH KNOW HOW THE STORY GOES YOU SHOW UP AT MY CASTLE IN YOUR PUMPKIN, WILLIN’ I SPIN YOU AROUND LIKE YOU’RE RUMPELSTILTSKIN WIN YOUR HEART WHILE I’M BUMPIN’ OFF VILLAINS
TAKE YOUR BROOM, SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET SLIDE ‘EM IN SLIPPERS, NOW BOOM, YOU’RE ELITE TOGETHER FOREVER, THE MINUTE WE MEET YOU MAKE ME YOUR PRINCE AND I MAKE YOU COMPLETE!
ONCE UPON A TIME WENT AND MADE YOU MINE WELL WORTH THE HUNT FOR YOU IT’S A CHARMING GESTURE, YEAH, I KNOW MIGHT FORGET A FACE BUT I REMEMBER TOES
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES HEY!
CIN, I NEED YOU, AND I CAN SAVE YOU OVER AND OVER, I’M ABLE TO RESCUE YOU FROM YOUR STABLE, SO LET’S GO, YEAH
SAID I NEED YOU, AND I CAN SAVE YOU I’LL SLAY THE DRAGON IN YOUR FABLE SO FOLLOW ME TO MY GABLE
PRINCES AND MAKE ME
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
CINDERELLA
But that isn’t—
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
CINDERELLA (shouting)
That’s not part of our story!
(The song stops abruptly.)
(CINDERELLA)
Nowhere in our story do we oooh, or get a baby, from a stork. We just… get married and live happy ever after.
#2A—Make Me (Playoff)
PRINCE CHARMING (dry)
Oh, is that all? Isn’t that the dream, Cin?
NARRATOR (entering)
While we’ve got a break between children—notes. (checking)
Charming, none. What can I say? I was charmed.
PRINCE CHARMING
Bibbidi Bobbidi Boom.
NARRATOR turns to CINDERELLA, fingers steepled. PRINCE CHARMING takes his cue to leave.
NARRATOR
Cinderella. Is everything all right, dear?
CINDERELLA
… yes? Never better! Why?
NARRATOR
Well, you were late, picking up the slipper.
CINDERELLA
Was I?
NARRATOR
Yes. Cinderella. I’ve been doing this a long time. And believe me, if I change so much as an intonation, the children go full Rumpelstiltskin. They object, loudly. They want things the same, every time. Don’t overthink it.
(off CINDERELLA’s frown)
Oh and don’t furrow your brow! We want you delivering lines, not wearing them. There. Better.
(exiting)
Happy ever after.
CINDERELLA
Happy ever… Real quick though, this is happy ever after— right?
CHARACTERS turn, astonished. CINDERELLA has said the unthinkable.
NARRATOR
Of course this is— Clear the room, please! EVERYBODY vanishes. NARRATOR turns to CINDERELLA for an explanation.
CINDERELLA
Sorry… it’s just, I mean, I get the glass slippers, which are stunning, if a bit nonbreathable, and the dress, which is GORGEOUS, if again, a bit non-breathable, and I win the prince—Charming!—he’s wonderful, we marry, and it’s happy ever after… So why do I feel so… lonely? Does this make any sense?
NARRATOR
It does not.
CINDERELLA
Ok. Sorry. It’s obviously me. Thank you for—
NARRATOR
Good talk. He’s gone.
CINDERELLA
Listening.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA, SLEEPING BEAUTY, RAPUNZEL, and LITTLE MERMAID are snacking, seated on miniature chairs.
SNOW WHITE enters and sets down a crumble that nobody touches.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Snow, you have no full-size furniture? At least when Goldilocks hosts we have options… You look well-rested, Sleeping Beauty, must be nice! P.S., tiara? To Scroll Club?
I like wearing my tiara. Just like you like wearing that frown. And a pretty basic bustle.
(moving right along!)
Ok! I thought we’d read a bit of Little Mermaid’s tale out loud, to get things going. The PRINCESSES unroll scrolls. It’s… a process.
RAPUNZEL
Her story’s in the middle right?
Searching, searching…
SNOW WHITE
Medium middle. Well, medium center middle.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
People, it’s more lower secondary center middle than medium center middle.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
There has got to be a better way… CINDERELLA rushes in, carrying a plate.
CINDERELLA
Sorry!
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Don’t be, but would it kill you to bring a warm hors d’oeuvre? It’s not like you don’t have the money.
SNOW WHITE
We’re fine— I made my famous Apple Crumble! Why’s nobody eating?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Snow, sweetie, where’d you get the apples? For the crumble?
SNOW WHITE
Oh this delightful old woman was selling—
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Clumsy? You have to watch her.
CLUMSY, a dwarf, hurries in.
I’m trying!
CLUMSY
He takes the poisonous dessert and begins stacking their plates, waiter style.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Oh, I’m not sure if that’s such a great idea!
CLUMSY
Why?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Because… (hearing him fall) that.
RAPUNZEL
We should start. I gotta braid this before my story’s read and obviously that’s my whole day.
SNOW WHITE
Little? It’s your tale. You wanna kick us off?
LITTLE MERMAID points to her throat.
She can’t speak.
RAPUNZEL
Oh, right! I forgot!
SNOW WHITE
RAPUNZEL
But… we’ve read her story, like, a million times. You know her
SNOW WHITE
I’m the fairest. I never claimed to be the smartest.
CINDERELLA is staring into space.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Where are you today, Cin? You’re like in another kingdom.
CINDERELLA
I… It’s nothing, honestly. Not gonna complain.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Good, ‘cause I mean, you got it pretty easy storywise. You get locked in a room and then you almost miss a party.
CINDERELLA
Ok, I don’t just “almost miss a party.” My stepmother abuses me.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Snow’s stepmother sends a huntsman to bring back her lungs and liver. So she can eat them.
SNOW WHITE shrugs, smiles. Winner.
LITTLE MERMAID signs.
CINDERELLA
No, enough about me. We’re supposed to be talking about your story, Little!
RAPUNZEL
Can we talk about the trade she makes with the Sea Witch? So it’s her voice, and her tongue—
SLEEPING BEAUTY
For legs!
Sounds fair.
Exactly. I mean, who are we without our princes?!?
Full-throated agreement from the other PRINCESSES. They are nothing without them.
… but it’s her voice. There’s nothing else you could trade?
(translating)
My voice is all I have.
Which is exactly why you shouldn’t trade it! I just… Ok. You save a prince’s life.
(off LITTLE MERMAID’s nod)
When he wakes, he sees another princess, and thinks she saved him.
(LITTLE MERMAID nods, “yep, frustrating!”)
So he marries her. Then you’re given the choice to either kill him or be killed.
(”Yup, what are you gonna do?”)
So you decide to give up your own life?
(LITTLE MERMAID taps her nose. Bingo.)
Even though you’ve never spoken to this man because you traded your voice for legs.
Yes! What has gotten into you, Cin?
CINDERELLA
I don’t know. I mean…
… is that, is this, is any of it… definitely happy ever after?
(off their shock)
You’ve never wondered that?
(Over the top protestation. No way!)
Ok. Sorry. Nevermind. It’s just… (then)
Sometimes I do think gosh, maybe I’d like to, I dunno, wear a dress that I picked out to the party, or stay out past midnight, or…
Lights on each PRINCESS as she finishes CINDERELLA’s forbidden thought…
Not get poisoned…
(touching her braid)
Rock my natural curls…
Sleep through the night…
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Have a drama-free christening…
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(MIMED)
Speak…
But maybe it’s just me…?
EV’RY MORNING, SHE WAKES UP.
RAPUNZEL
YANK, YANK, YANK ON HER HAIR
SLEEPING BEAUTY
IT’S TIME FOR MAKEUP,
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
PERFECT SMILE.
SNOW WHITE
ALWAYS FAIREST OF THE FAIR THEY GO,
PRINCESSES
“ISN’T SHE LOVELY, THIS FAIRY TALE GIRL?”
SNOW & BEAUTY AND THEY SAY,
PRINCESSES
“SHE’S SO LUCKY, SHE’S A STAR.” BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART, THINKIN’, IF THERE’S NOTHIN’ MISSING IN MY LIFE, THEN WHY DO THESE TEARS COME AT NIGHT?
CINDERELLA
LOST IN AN IMAGE,
SLEEPING BEAUTY IMAGE
PEA & RAPUNZEL IN A DREAM,
SNOW & MERMAID (MIMED)
BUT THERE’S NO ONE THERE TO WAKE HER UP.
CIN, SNOW, RAPUNZEL, BEAUTY, & LITTLE AND THE WORLD KEEPS SPINNIN’
PRINCESSES AND SHE KEEPS ON WINNIN’
CINDERELLA
BUT TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENS IF IT STOPS?
RAPUNZEL
THEY GO,
PRINCESSES
“ISN’T SHE LOVELY, THIS FAIRY TALE GIRL?” AND THEY SAY, “SHE’S SO LUCKY, SHE’S A STAR.” BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART, THINKIN’, IF THERE’S NOTHIN’ MISSING IN MY LIFE, THEN WHY DO THESE TEARS COME AT NIGHT?
We enter a memory—Cinderella’s wedding. PRINCES appear as PRINCE CHARMING’s groomsmen.
AY, AY, UH-OH-YEAH!
AY, AY, UH-OH-YEAH!
GREGARIOUS, MISCHIEVOUS, & BRAWNY OH OH!
OH OH! OH OH!
And so it was that Cinderella and her Prince Charming were married, their union sealed with true love’s kiss.
PRINCE CHARMING kisses CINDERELLA, to applause!
PRINCE CHARMING
“ISN’T SHE LUCKY, THIS FAIRY TALE GIRL?”
PRINCE CHARMING riffs and the PRINCES sing backup for the PRINCESSES:
SHE IS SO LUCKY, BUT WHY DOES SHE CRY? IF THERE IS NOTHIN’ MISSING IN HER LIFE, WHY DO TEARS COME AT NIGHT? AND THEY SAY, “SHE’S SO LUCKY, SHE’S A STAR.” BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART, THINKIN’, IF THERE’S NOTHIN’ MISSIN’ IN MY LIFE, THEN WHY DO THESE TEARS COME AT NIGHT?
Silence as the dream ends. Just as the PRINCESSES are about to speak, they hear over an intercom—
(off)
Snow White, to the Huntsman scene!
And the opportunity is lost.
SNOW WHITE
Ugh. I hate doing that scene. Sorry, ladies.
All PRINCESSES start gathering their things.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Great seeing you, Snow. Thanks for hosting.
The PRINCESSES exit. SNOW WHITE stops CINDERELLA.
Hey, you seem “stuck.” Doc gives me pills for when I get like that. Want me to— (off CINDERELLA’s “no”)
Ok, well… here. I made this. Maybe keep it, to remind you?
SNOW WHITE hands CINDERELLA a needlepoint.
“Happy ever after.” That’s not how you spell “after.” Or “ever.” Or “happy.”
Huh. I guess neither of us knows what happy ever after’s supposed to look like… (then, chipper)
All right, I gotta go get chased through the woods by a terrifying man in pitch blackness!
SNOW WHITE exits, leaving CINDERELLA alone on a forest path.
Once upon a time… once upon a time there was a girl who wanted… (then)
… more?
Poof! A book appears. But CINDERELLA has no idea what it is.
What’s this?!
(appearing)
It’s called a book! It’s like a scroll but— CINDERELLA screams as an unfamiliar woman (O.F.G.) materializes.
Who are you?!
Fairy Godmother.
Not mine!
FAIRY GODMOTHER
FAIRY GODMOTHER
No. I’m the O.F.G.—the Original Fairy (Godmother)
The Notorious O.F.G.?! Butbutbut… you got banished!
FAIRY GODMOTHER (winking)
… did I?
(off)
Ok, from Snow’s chase, and Huntsman, this time let’s really sell the terror!
O.F.G. turns the intercom off.
We can’t turn the intercom off! How will I know if the Narrator’s looking for me?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Sweetie, I want YOU to look for you. I’ve been waiting forever for a princess in this kingdom to ask for something that didn’t involve fabric. (re: new book)
Open it!
CINDERELLA does, amazed. It’s lit from within, illuminating her face…
Oh, it’s a scroll! But bound! It’s so portable! And NUMBERED parchment?! So clever! This is the best thing since—
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Sliced bread?
(stunned)
You can slice bread?!
(reading the book’s title)
“The Feminine Mystique,” by Betty Friedan.
(checking the dust jacket)
What kind of witch is she?
She’s not a witch.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
I think I know a witch when I see one! This woman is well past her prime, yet retains power? And she’s obviously written a spellbook, so—
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Cinderella. The stories you’ve been reading, and living… they can be deeply problematic. Towards certain people.
(horrified)
Like who?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Well… kinda everybody. They just can give you a very warped view of the world. The real world. Out there, beyond Story’s End.
Beyond Story’s End? You escaped Story’s End?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
I did. With Princess Betty. She and I made our way to a fabulous little kingdom called “Flatbush.”
Wait you know Princess Betty?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
I do! I know her quite well. As can you…
O.F.G. opens the book for her.
CINDERELLA
“The Problem That Has No Name”… “The problem lay buried, unspoken… It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction…” (pointing, THIS!)
“She was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question, ‘Is this all?’” This feels like it was written specifically for me!
FAIRY GODMOTHER
A lot of women felt that way.
CINDERELLA
And a woman wrote this. You’re not pulling my slipper.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Sweetie… women do write.
(O.F.G. waves her wand, creating a fairy tale slide show. First up—a wood carving of Margaret Atwood.)
And they influence…
A portrait of an elven Oprah.
Ooh. She looks powerful.
CINDERELLA
FAIRY GODMOTHER
She is. Fun fact: loves sliced bread. (then)
And they agitate.
A suffragette raises a fist.
What’s she doing?
CINDERELLA
Striking. For the right to vote!
FAIRY GODMOTHER
CINDERELLA
Women can strike? Women can VOTE?!? Oh my goodness, where is this place?! This “Flat Bush”?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
It’s in a land called America.
CINDERELLA
America… sounds like paradise for women!
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Erm…
Can you take me there?
CINDERELLA
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Well, right now’s a tough time to immigrate—
NARRATOR (off)
Cinderella, report to the work scene.
CINDERELLA
Ugh. I know, as a woman, I’m supposed to love housework, but…
FAIRY GODMOTHER
No. You aren’t! Chapter 2 deconstructs that! Take the book with you. But you can’t show it to anybody! Princess Betty’s ideas… they’re often considered dangerous when first presented.
CINDERELLA
Dangerous?
NARRATOR (off)
Cinderella!
(into intercom)
Coming!
CINDERELLA hurries off to—
NARRATOR (off)
Ok! Scene 8, Cinderella is Left Behind. From “You? Go to the ball?” Here we go!
CINDERELLA enters, hiding her book in her apron as the scene begins.
BETANY
You?! Go to the ball!
BELINDA (baffled) YOU WANNA…
BETANY
Did you hear her, Belinda??! Cinderella wants to go to the ball.
BELINDA (“seriously?”) YOU WANNA…
BETANY (then)
With us. The beat drops and the STEPSISTERS go on the offensive.
BETANY
YOU WANT THE PRETTY DRESSES YOU WANNA MAKE THE MESSES YOU WANNA HEAR THE ‘YESSES’ YOU BETTER WORK BITCH
BELINDA
YOU WANT A POSH CARRIAGE YOU WANT A HOT MARRIAGE YOU WANNA ROCK RICH
(BELINDA)
YOU BETTER WORK BITCH
BELINDA & BETANY
YOU WANNA LIVE FANCY LIVE IN A BIG MANSION PARTY IN FRANCE? YOU BETTER WORK BITCH YOU BETTER WORK BITCH YOU BETTER WORK BITCH YOU BETTER WORK BITCH NOW GET TO WORK BITCH!
They skip by CINDERELLA and dump piles of laundry on her.
BETANY
Sorry about your mom.
BELINDA
You smell like pumpkin.
BETANY
BRING IT ON, RING THE ALARM DON’T STOP NOW JUST BE THE CHAMPION!
BELINDA
WORK IT HARD LIKE IT’S YOUR PROFESSION
STEPMOTHER
(off)
Cinderella!
BETANY
WATCH OUT NOW ‘CAUSE HERE COMES MOM…
BELINDA
HERE COMES THE SMASHER HERE COMES THE MASTER HERE COMES THE BIG BEAT BIG BEAT TO BLAST YA NO TIME TO QUIT NOW JUST TIME TO GET IT NOW PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN
PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN
BETANY & BELINDA
AH
STEPMOTHER blows in. Look out.
STEPMOTHER
GO CALL YOUR STUPID MICE!
GO CALL YOUR GODMOTHER! I BRING THE TROUBLE! THAT MEANS THE TROUBLE, Y’ALL I MAKE YOU STEP IT UP CALL ME THE STEPMOTHER!
I AM THE BAD BITCH THE BITCH THAT YOU’LL NEVER LOVE
CINDERELLA finally finds herself alone and able to open the book, which lights her face as she reads…
OTHER PRINCESSES sing as MICE here, while PRINCE ERUDITE and OTHER PRINCES sing as BIRDS.
CINDERELLA
HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH
CINDERELLA & MICE
HIGH UP TO THE SKY
CINDERELLA
OH THEY’LL TRY TO TRY YA BUT THEY CAN’T DENY YA
CINDERELLA & MICE
KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND HIGHER KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND HIGHER
MICE, BIRDS, & CINDERELLA SO HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH
HIGH UP TO THE SKY NOW THEY DON’T BELIEVE YOU BUT THEY’RE GONNA NEED YOU KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND
BETANY & BELINDA
HERE COMES THE SMASHER HERE COMES THE MASTER HERE COMES THE BIG BEAT BIG BEAT TO BLAST YA NO TIME
(MICE, BIRDS, & CINDERELLA) HIGHER
KEEP IT BUILDIN’ HIGHER AND HIGHER AND HIGHER
(BETANY & BELINDA) TO QUIT YA JUST TIME TO GET IT NOW
PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN
PICK UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN
STEPMOTHER notices the book and snatches it from CINDERELLA.
What is this??!
STEPMOTHER
BELINDA
It’s a big piece of toast.
No, it’s got writing in it…
BETANY
STEPMOTHER
How do you know what writing is?!?
BETANY
I’m sorry— I didn’t mean to— please love me—
STEPMOTHER (opening the book)
What on… are these scrolls numbered? This is witchcraft!
CINDERELLA
No, it’s actually all about female empowerment—
STEPMOTHER
So I’m right, this IS witchcraft. I’ll keep it.
CINDERELLA
No, please, I think that book, it might be the key to my happy ever after—
STEPMOTHER
All the more reason then.
Oh but can’t I just—
No! You can get back to work!
BETANY & BELINDA WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!
BELINDA (BETANY)
WORK IT OUT! (WORK!)
WORK IT OUT! (WORK!)
WORK IT OUT! (WORK!)
WORK IT OUT! (WORK!) WORK IT OUT! (WORK!) WORK IT OUT! (WORK!)
STEPMOTHER
CINDERELLA
HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGHER!
STEPMOTHER
COME ON!
WORK IT OUT!
CINDERELLA
HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH!
STEPMOTHER WORK IT OUT!
WORK IT OUT!
BETANY & BELINDA WORK IT OUT!
STEPMOTHER NOW GET TO WORK BITCH!
The STEPFAMILY exit, cackling.
#4A—To Snow’s Cottage
CINDERELLA is standing in Snow White’s cottage as SNOW WHITE enters, holding a basket of apples.
SNOW WHITE
See you tomorrow, delightful old woman! (noticing CINDERELLA)
Cin! What are you doing here? Isn’t your story being read?!?
CINDERELLA
I’ve gone ROGUE! You’ve heard of O.F.G., right?
SNOW WHITE
Notorious O.F.G.?!
CINDERELLA
YES. Snow— I met her!
SNOW WHITE
WHAT?! How? But she was banished!
CINDERELLA
I know! But after Scroll Club, I asked for “more,” and poof, SHE SHOWED UP! And she gave me this… scroll, except it’s called a book, it’s cut up, it’s numbered, there’s this thing called a table of contents, and—WAIT FOR IT—the whole thing’s written by a WOMAN—
SNOW WHITE (horrified)
Witchcraft!
CINDERELLA
No, Snow. The woman’s not a witch—she’s a WRITER. (then)
Her book is MINDBLOWING and it is 100% going to change the way you look at quite literally EVERYTHING!
SNOW WHITE
Oh my goodness, where is it?!?
CINDERELLA
Well, that’s the thing— my Stepmother stole it, so we gotta get it back! I need your help! Let’s go!
SNOW WHITE
Ok! Oh— but not today. I’m seeing my prince.
CINDERELLA
What? No, Snow. This is way more important!
SNOW WHITE
Than true love? From a prince?
CINDERELLA
True love. True love between you and…
SNOW WHITE
The Prince!
CINDERELLA
Right but Prince… (off SNOW WHITE’s silence)
You don’t even know his name!
SNOW WHITE
Of course I do. It’s… Faithful!
CINDERELLA
Snow we’ve read your story in Scroll Club a million times. Your prince is never named.
SNOW WHITE
Well, that’s what I call him, so—
NARRATOR (off)
Snow White?
(SNOW WHITE waves to CINDERELLA, what do I do?!? CINDERELLA points, answer it! Then changes her mind. Don’t!)
Snow White!
SNOW WHITE panics, answers!
SNOW WHITE
(into intercom)
… yes?
NARRATOR (off)
Do you know where Cinderella is?
(into intercom)
… no? No.
SNOW WHITE
NARRATOR (off)
Well if you see her, please tell her she’s due at the palace and that if she misses her entrance, I may have no choice but to replace her. Happy ever after isn’t a birthright, it’s a privilege, and it can be taken away.
SNOW WHITE
(into intercom)
Got it!
(SNOW WHITE hangs up, shaken.)
I can’t believe I just did that! I lied to the Narrator!
CINDERELLA
I think he’s been lying to us all these years! Come with me. To the Palace. My stepmother will be there, we can get the book back!
SNOW WHITE
I can’t enter your story WHILE it’s being read! We could both get banished!
CINDERELLA
He says that to keep us in line.
SNOW WHITE
He banished O.F.G.!
Then we’re probably doing something right. (then)
Let’s go!
And they’re off. Music to “Boys” begins as we transition to—
(off)
Ok, ready to rehearse the ball scene, let’s take it from right before the Stepsisters’ entrance, lots of energy, here we go!
Lights on the PRINCES, flirting with the PRINCESSES.
PRINCE SUAVE (spoken)
FOR WHATEVER REASON, I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN WANTING YOU ALL MY LIFE.
BRAWNY (spoken)
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND?
PRINCE MISCHIEVOUS (spoken)
I’M SO GLAD WE’RE IN THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME.
PRINCE AFFABLE (spoken)
IT’S OVER NOW…
PRINCES
BOYS! SOMETIMES A GIRL JUST NEEDS ONE. BOYS! TO LOVE HER AND TO HOLD. BOYS! AND WHEN A GIRL IS WITH ONE. BOYS! THEN HE’S IN CONTROL.
BETANY & BELINDA (bursting in)
ALL AROUND THE WORLD, PRETTY GIRLS! WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ALL THE BOYS! POUR THE DRINKS! BRING THE NOISE! WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!
ALL AROUND THE WORLD, PRETTY GIRLS! JUMP THE LINE TO THE FRONT DO WHAT WE LIKE, GET WHAT WE WANT WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!
BETANY
HEY DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME? EV’RY KINGDOM BE PLAYING THE GAME
BELINDA & BETANY
YOU CAN BETCHA WHEREVER WE GIRLS GO BOYS FOLLOW
BETANY
WE BE KEEPIN’ THEM UP ON THEIR TOES
BELINDA
THEY CAN LAUGH BUT THEY WON’T GET THE JOKES!
BETANY
JUST YOU WATCH THEY’RE SO PREDICTABLE
BELINDA & BETANY
SOME THINGS DON’T CHANGE
BETANY
PRINCESS ROLL UP!
PRINCES BACK DOWN
PRINCES
BELINDA EYES ON US!
PRINCES
JAWS ON THE GROUND
BETANY
WATCH US GO, IT’S JUST SO FUNNY
BELINDA & BETANY LIKE BEES TO THE HONEY!
BELINDA & BETANY
ALL AROUND THE WORLD… PRETTY GIRLS
WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ALL THE BOYS POUR THE DRINKS
BRING THE NOISE
PRINCES & PRINCESSES
BOYS!/GIRLS! SOMETIMES A GIRL/BOY JUST NEEDS ONE.
BOYS!/GIRLS! TO LOVE HER/HIM AND TO HOLD.
BOYS!/GIRLS!
(BELINDA & BETANY)
WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!
ALL AROUND THE WORLD
PRETTY GIRLS
JUMP THE LINE TO THE FRONT
DO WHAT WE LIKE GET WHAT WE WANT
(PRINCES & PRINCESSES)
AND WHEN A GIRL/BOY IS WITH ONE.
BOYS!/GIRLS!
THEN HE/SHE IS IN CONTROL
WE’RE JUST SO PRETTY!
Huge finish. Fan kicks, a split, a demand to be seen, and loved.
(entering)
Pause for child potty break! That’s a potty pause everybody! Let’s use this time wisely. (to the STEPSISTERS)
Girls. Less is more. (to BETANY)
MUCH less, Belinda.
(horrified)
It’s Betany, bitch.
CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE arrive at the other end of the hall in hooded capes.
SNOW WHITE
Are you kidding me right now with this party?!? Check out this palace! Are those CANDLE BRAS?!?
Candelabras, yup.
SNOW WHITE
AWWW, LOOK at that cute pig with an apple in his mouth! Is he friendly?
CINDERELLA
He’s dinner.
(scanning the room)
Okay so we gotta find my Stepmother…
WHITE
Yes, right!
(noticing CINDERELLA)
Your Highness! You’re early!
(re: SNOW WHITE)
And who is this lovely creature?
CINDERELLA
This is my… lady-in-waiting.
(SNOW WHITE drops into a curtsy she can’t get out of. CINDERELLA helps her up.)
She’s in training.
A lady-in-waiting-in-training?
CINDERELLA
Yup. (to SNOW WHITE)
This is Prince Erudite.
SNOW WHITE
Oh!
CINDERELLA
The Celibate.
(not understanding)
Oh ho!
(then)
I’m Snow.
What an unusual name! Snow…
WHITE Whi— (off CINDERELLA’s elbow)
… tenstein. Von… Hoofle Poofle.
Aren’t you charming.
No, I’m Snow. I just said that.
… speaking of Charming, wait till you see him in his new epaulettes. So hot. (quickly)
In here! It is very hot. Because: so many hot girls! In tight corsets! Ah, I love girls!
CINDERELLA
(”ok…”)
I’m going to go find— She turns and runs into her surprised STEPMOTHER.
STEPMOTHER
What are you doing here? You don’t ruin all my hopes and dreams for another ten minutes.
CINDERELLA
I want that book back. It’s mine.
A “book”, is that what it’s called? Noted. And no. She hands the volume to BELINDA.
(exiting, thrilled)
The toast! Mom!
(watching BELINDA go)
Should I have educated her? Motherhood is such a series of difficult decisions… (back to CINDERELLA)
I’m sure a trade could be arranged. You can have that “book” back… if you reject the Prince.
I can’t “reject the Prince”! Charming?!? You know we can’t change our stories!
Cinderella. Why do you think I do this? Night after night? If I didn’t think someday there might be a different outcome? If I didn’t think at SOME point the Narrator might be “persuaded” to have the Prince choose either of my perfect— (noticing BETANY)
Betany! No fluids! You bloat, and it’s instant!
(back to CINDERELLA)
Sweetheart—if the Narrator deigns to make an adjustment, that’s what the Great Quill is for! He wears that key for a reason.
But he never uses it…
Sure he does. Sparingly. Remember how dark our tale used to be? My daughters’ eyes used to get pecked out in the finale! And I used to chop Belinda’s toes off, sever Betany’s Achilles tendon— remember how it used to curl up, like a hound on a winter’s hearth? Oh, the lengths I’d go to.
(a wink)
Or take away, am I right? But those changes? My ideas. My quiet influence…
So what, I just tell the Narrator I want—
STEPMOTHER
“Tell him”? Ha! No. You get him to think the idea is his. Play to his vanity.
(She spies the NARRATOR and rushes to him.)
Oh, Narrator, I wanted to ask about that idea you had for spotlighting my daughters’ entrance— I’m sorry, how do you not age??!
(blushing)
None of us age.
I know, but still. To be so once upon a timeless! “Who’s the fairest?” I think it’s an open question…
NARRATOR
What was my, um, idea, for their (entrance)—
(The quill begins pulsing.)
We have a reader! Ok! From Charming’s entrance, ladies, give me shock and awe! The Prince has ENTERED THE BUILDING!
Trumpets sound. Charming? Is here. And his entrance is INSANE.
PRINCE CHARMING
THERE’S ONLY TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD: THE ONES THAT ENTERTAIN AND THE ONES THAT OBSERVE. OH BABY, I NEED A PUT-ON-A-SHOW KINDA GIRL. A GIRL WHO CHARMS ME, WHO PUTS ME FIRST.
PRINCE CHARMING
I’M LIKE THE RINGLEADER, I CALL THE SHOTS.
OH, OH
PRINCES
HE CALLS THE SHOTS!
PRINCE CHARMING
I NEED A FIRECRACKER
PRINCES & PRINCESSES Fire!
PRINCE CHARMING
TO MAKE IT HOT, SO C’MON PUT ON A SHOW.
PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCES, PRINCESSES, BETANY, & BELINDA
I FEEL THE ADRENALINE MOVIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS, SPOTLIGHT ON ME AND I’M READY TO BREAK.
I’M LIKE A PERFORMER THE DANCE FLOOR IS MY STAGE. YOU BET I’M READY, HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME.
PRINCE CHARMING
ALL EYES ON ME IN THE CENTER OF THE RING JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
WHEN I CRACK MY WHIP, EV’RYBODY GON’ TRIP JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
TWO PRINCES
JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES
CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, OTHER PRINCES & OTHER PRINCESSES
AH-HA!
DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO. ALL MY LADIES LET GO.
C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR
PRINCE CHARMING & TWO PRINCES
JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, OTHER PRINCES, & OTHER PRINCESSES
AH-HA!
PRINCE CHARMING
THERE’S ONLY TWO TYPES OF GUYS OUT THERE: THE ONES THAT CAN HANG WITH ME AND THE ONES THAT ARE SCARED SO BABY I HOPE THAT YOU CAME PREPARED I RUN A TIGHT SHIP
PRINCES & PRINCESSES
Tight!
PRINCE CHARMING SO BEWARE
I’M LIKE THE RINGLEADER, I CALL THE SHOTS.
PRINCES & PRINCESSES HE CALLS THE SHOTS!
PRINCE CHARMING I NEED A FIRECRACKER
PRINCES & PRINCESSES
Fire!
PRINCE CHARMING
TO MAKE IT HOT, SO C’MON PUT ON A SHOW.
PRINCE CHARMING, CLUMSY, OTHER PRINCES, PUN, BEAUTY, & OTHER PRINCESSES
I FEEL THE ADRENALINE
MOVIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS, SPOTLIGHT ON ME AND I’M READY TO BREAK.
I’M LIKE A PERFORMER THE DANCE FLOOR IS MY STAGE.
PRINCE CHARMING, PUN, BEAUTY, & TWO PRINCESSES
YOU BET I’M READY, HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME.
PEA, MERMAID, & OTHER PRINCESSES
OH
MOVIN’ THROUGH MY VEINS, SPOTLIGHT ON ME AND I’M READY TO BREAK!
FLOOR IS MY STAGE.
CLUMSY & OTHER PRINCES
HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME.
PRINCE CHARMING
ALL EYES ON ME IN THE CENTER OF THE RING JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
WHEN I CRACK MY WHIP, EV’RYBODY GON’ TRIP JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.
ALL MY LADIES LET GO, C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR
PRINCE CHARMING & TWO PRINCES
JUST LIKE A CIRCUS
Let’s go!
CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, & OTHER PRINCES
PEA, MERMAID, & OTHER PRINCESSES
JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.
ALL MY LADIES LET GO, C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR
CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, & OTHER PRINCES
AH-HA!
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES
OH OH OH OH AH-HA!
OH
OH
OH AH-HA! SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.
(PEA, MERMAID, & OTHER PRINCESSES)
OH OH OH OH OH
RAPUNZEL, SLEEPING BEAUTY, & PRINCESS AND THE PEA
OOH LIKE A CIRCUS
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES
Lemme see what you can do!
RAPUNZEL, SLEEPING BEAUTY, & PRINCESS AND THE PEA
AH AH AH I’M READY NOW…
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES
LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE A CIRCUS
PRINCESSES
AH AH AH LIKE A WHAT?
PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCES, & PRINCESSES
LIKE A CIRCUS.
ALL EYES ON ME IN THE CENTER OF THE RING JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. WHEN I CRACK MY WHIP, EV’RYBODY GON’ TRIP JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
DON’T STAND THERE WATCHIN’ ME, WANTIN’ ME, SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES
ALL MY LADIES LET GO, C’MON MAKE A DANCE FLOOR JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
PRINCE CHARMING
JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. JUST LIKE A CIRCUS. COME JOIN MY CIRCUS!
PRINCES JUST LIKE A CIRCUS.
COME JOIN MY CIRCUS!
BEAUTY, MERMAID, & PUN (JUST) LIKE A CIRCUS! (JUST) LIKE A CIRCUS!
CIRCUS!
PEA & OTHER PRINCESSES OH OH CIRCUS!
As the song finishes, CINDERELLA rushes up and takes The Feminine Mystique from BELINDA.
HEY! That thief stole my toast!
BETANY unhoods CINDERELLA. Gasps!
NARRATOR
Cinderella, what are you doing?!? Get over here! You’re being read! First dance with Charming, hurry!
PRINCE CHARMING is in ready position. He holds out a hand, and CINDERELLA rushes to her mark. Downbeat!
CHARMING
Hello? Hello!
(music begins)
Do you believe in love at first sight? First and last, because I think I may have just been blinded by your beauty…
STEPMOTHER
(hissing to CINDERELLA)
Reject the prince!
STEPMOTHER moves out of the scene to stand with the NARRATOR.
CINDERELLA
(terrible acting)
YOU TELL ME YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH ME
What is she doing?
NARRATOR
CINDERELLA
THAT YOU CAN’T TAKE YOUR PRETTY EYES AWAY FROM ME
NARRATOR
What is HAPPENING?!?
CINDERELLA (softening)
IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T WANT TO STAY
PRINCE CHARMING
BUT EVERY TIME I COME TOO CLOSE YOU MOVE AWAY
CINDERELLA (falling)
Ugh, your eyes…
NARRATOR
Okay, we’re back!
STEPMOTHER sighs, foiled again. She follows the NARRATOR off…
CINDERELLA
I WANT TO BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING THAT YOU SAY ‘CAUSE IT SOUNDS SO GOOD…
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT ME, MOVE SLOW
THERE’S THINGS ABOUT ME YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW SOMETIMES I RUN,
PRINCE CHARMING
SOMETIMES
CINDERELLA
SOMETIMES I HIDE SOMETIMES I’M SCARED OF YOU
PRINCE CHARMING
MMM BUT ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIGHT TREAT YOU RIGHT, BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT
ALL
ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIGHT TREAT YOU RIGHT, BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT BABY ALL YOU NEED IS TIME
BETANY & THREE PRINCESSES ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIGHT
BE WITH YOU DAY AND NIGHT
PRINCE CHARMING
JUST HANG AROUND AND YOU’LL SEE
CINDERELLA
THERE’S NOWHERE I’D RATHER BE!
PRINCE CHARMING
IF YOU LOVE ME, TRUST IN ME THE WAY THAT I TRUST IN YOU
SNOW WHITE
Faithful?!
SNOW WHITE has returned, with PRINCE ERUDITE.
Uh… who?
You know each other?
PRINCE CHARMING
CINDERELLA
I don’t think (so)—
PRINCE CHARMING
SNOW WHITE
This is my prince!
CINDERELLA
Charming?
SNOW WHITE Is Faithful!
BELINDA & BETANY
Or… isn’t!
You’re cheating on me?
SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA
What? No! Define “cheating”…
PRINCE CHARMING
SNOW WHITE
But… it’s true love! It says so! Your kiss wakes me!
PRINCE CHARMING
Ok. My kiss has woken a lot of women. I’m not bragging. And I’m not proud. (beat)
Ok, I’m a little bit proud.
(arms around CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE)
Look. Princes are—we’re just different! We don’t sit around pining after “true love.” We’re not written that way.
CINDERELLA
That’s all you have to say for yourself?
PRINCE CHARMING
Oops?
Music begins. PRINCE CHARMING winks to us. You knew it was coming.
(PRINCE CHARMING)
I THINK I DID IT AGAIN I MADE YOU BELIEVE WE’RE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS. OH, BABY, IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE TRUE LOVE BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I’M SERIOUS. AND TO LOSE ALL YOUR SENSES THAT IS JUST SO TYPIC’LLY… YOU OH, BABY, BABY! OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME OH, BABY, BABY. OOPS! YOU THINK I’M IN LOVE, THAT I’M SENT FROM ABOVE? I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT. CINDERELLA turns, confronting PRINCE CHARMING.
CINDERELLA
YOU SEE, MY PROBLEM IS THIS: I’M DREAMIN’ AWAY WISHING THAT HEROES, THEY TRULY EXIST.
SNOW WHITE
(devastated)
I CRY WATCHING THE DAYS. I GUESS I’M A FOOL IN SO MANY WAYS
PRINCE CHARMING AND TO LOSE ALL YOUR SENSES THAT IS JUST SO TYPIC’LLY YOU BABY, OH.
PRINCE CHARMING OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME OH, BABY, BABY. OOPS! YOU THINK I’M IN LOVE,
SNOW WHITE
YOU PLAYED WITH MY HEART I GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME OH, BABY MAYBE OOH, I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE,
PRINCES OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN OOH OOPS!
(PRINCE CHARMING)
THAT I’M SENT FROM ABOVE. I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT.
(SNOW WHITE)
YOU WERE SENT FROM ABOVE. AM I TOO INNOCENT?
CINDERELLA pulls SNOW WHITE off and away.
NARRATOR
(entering)
Cinderella, Snow White! Get back here!
PRINCE CHARMING
Was it something I said?
NARRATOR
What? Not at all, you’re perfect!
PRINCES, BETANY, & BELINDA
OOPS! HE DID IT AGAIN! TO YOUR HEART! GOT LOST IN THIS GAME, OH BABY!
OOPS! YOU THINK THAT HE’S SENT FROM ABOVE. HE’S NOT THAT INNOCENT!
PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCES, & BELINDA
OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART GOT A-LOST IN THE GAME OH, BABY, BABY. OOPS! YOU THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE I WAS SENT FROM ABOVE.
PRINCE CHARMING
I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT!
(PRINCES)
… SENT FROM ABOVE HE’S NOT THAT INNOCENT!
PRINCE CHARMING I DID IT!
YOU GOT LOST! IN THIS GAME YOU THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE!
I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT.
PRINCES & BETANY
OOPS! HE DID IT AGAIN TO YOUR HEART. GOT LOST IN THIS GAME, OH BABY. OOPS! YOU THINK THAT HE’S SENT FROM ABOVE.
PRINCES, BETANY, & BELINDA
HE’S NOT THAT INNOCENT!
Scroll Club. EVERYBODY’s drinking.
RAPUNZEL
That is SO messed up. And she walked away from the Narrator??! Girl’s got some ballgowns
CLUMSY enters to refill, then stacks empty bottles in his arms.
You girls can really drink.
Well, what else is there to do?
Laughter… that dissolves into uncomfortable silence. CLUMSY eases the door open with his foot.
… you got those, Clumsy?
RAPUNZEL
I hear the doubt in your voice, but yes. He turns… and stumbles.
CLUMSY
PRINCESSES
Here we go / called it / oh no! He falls. Glass shatters.
CLUMSY (re-entering)
… I’m always going to be alone, aren’t I.
CINDERELLA enters.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Well if it isn’t Suzy Cold Hors D’Oeuvres. Ma’am, we have questions LITTLE MERMAID signs hers.
Yeah I’m ok. I mean, I’m not. I guess I sorta feel like—
SNOW WHITE
Like your whole story’s been a lie?
SNOW WHITE is needlepointing furiously.
CINDERELLA
Like, sure, I always sorta suspected the “charming” thing was more of a public act, but… he scours the kingdom for me. (then, to SNOW WHITE)
What are you making?
SNOW WHITE flips her needlepoint.
What’s that say? I can’t read it.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Nobody can.
SNOW WHITE
It says “Stay, Faithful,” or it’s supposed to, I didn’t go to school, ok? But I do know how to spell “heartache”, with a capital j! Because that’s how I feel.
CINDERELLA
But Snow he’s cheating on you! On us!
SNOW WHITE
You don’t understand.
#9—From the Bottom of My Broken Heart
CINDERELLA
I think I do because it kinda happened to both—
SNOW WHITE
(cutting her off)
OOOOH
PRINCE ERUDITE and OTHER PRINCES sing as BIRDS.
NA NA NA NA NA NA
What’s happening?
SNOW WHITE
I’m gonna question all my choices, figure out what I did to push him away. (then)
“NEVER LOOK BACK,” WE SAID. HOW WAS I TO KNOW I’D MISS YOU SO? CLUMSY joins in, startling SNOW WHITE.
SNOW WHITE & CLUMSY LONELINESS UP AHEAD, EMPTINESS BEHIND, WHERE DO I GO?
WHERE DO I GO, OH NO!
SNOW WHITE & CLUMSY
AND YOU DIDN’T HEAR ALL MY JOY THROUGH MY TEARS, ALL MY HOPES THROUGH MY FEAR, DID YOU KNOW? OOH
SNOW WHITE
STILL I MISS YOU SOMEHOW?
SNOW WHITE is really feeling it now. The BIRDS sway behind her…
SNOW WHITE
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART, THERE’S JUST A… A THING OR TWO … YOU GOTTA KNOW YOU WERE MY FIRST LOVE, FIRST LOVE.
CLUMSY & BIRDS
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART, THERE’S JUST A THING OR TWO I’D LIKE YOU TO KNOW. … YOU WERE MY FIRST LOVE.
(SNOW WHITE, CLUMSY, & BIRDS)
YOU WERE MY TRUE LOVE FROM THE FIRST KISSES TO THE VERY LAST ROSE! (bonkers melisma)
FROM! THE!
BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART,
(SNOW WHITE) EVEN THOUGH TIME MAY FIND ME
YOU WERE MY REAL LOVE, I NEVER KNEW LOVE, ‘TIL THERE WAS YOU! FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART
CLUMSY exits.
(CLUMSY & BIRDS) EVEN THOUGH TIME MAY FIND ME SOMEBODY NEW
YOU WERE MY REAL LOVE, I NEVER KNEW LOVE, ‘TIL THERE WAS YOU!
Cin, what were you thinking? Bringing Snow into your story?!? Narrator’s gonna lose his quill when he sees you!
Yeah, I mean, curiosity isn’t exactly rewarded around here. Look what happens to Red Riding Hood. Goes off her path and, boom, lunch.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Then again, some of us almost miss a party so it’s hard to compare—
Ok. I’m not— We were trying to get a… Can you all keep a secret?
NARRATOR (off)
Hansel and Gretel, to the gingerbread house.
HANSEL and GRETEL cross, overjoyed.
Oh ho, yeah!
HANSEL
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Those poor children. CINDERELLA pulls them into a huddle.
This is beyond hush hush. I got given a scroll thingy, called a book… and now it’s got me questioning almost everything in our stories.
SNOW WHITE
Wait, our stories too?
CINDERELLA
Your story especially. Not to pick on you, but…
SNOW WHITE
But what?
CINDERELLA
I mean, “true love”? That starts when a guy you’ve never met kisses you? An anonymous guy who basically assaults you in the woods—
SNOW WHITE
Faithful RESCUES me.
CINDERELLA
He discovers you, unconscious in a clearing, and instead of calling for help, he decides to take advantage of you.
All the PRINCESSES try to process.
SNOW WHITE
Huh. I never thought about it that way.
CINDERELLA
Look, now that we know who he is? We don’t have to put up with this.
SNOW WHITE
Agreed. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on— (off a knock)
Oh! I wonder who that could be?!
SNOW WHITE answers before CLUMSY can. A hag (NARRATOR) hunches in and holds out an—
Apple?
Oh, I love—!
HAG (NARRATOR)
SNOW WHITE
CLUMSY
(knocking it away)
Snow! It’s your Evil Queen. It’s ALWAYS the Evil—
CLUMSY pulls off the hood to gasps.
(to CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE)
There you are! You thought you could avoid me but I am TOO clever! I know EVERYTHING that goes on in this kingdom!
(off another knock)
Oh! I wonder who that could be?
CLUMSY opens the door. PRINCE ERUDITE. Sparks fly. Time freezes…
PRINCE ERUDITE
Hi! I’m Prince Erudite. You must be Happy?
He goes to shake CLUMSY’s hand and gets poked in the eye.
CLUMSY
No I’m Hopey. (correcting!)
Humpy. (eek!)
Crumbsy! (wrong!)
Clumsy.
Awkward. PRINCE ERUDITE spies CINDERELLA, and moves to return her slipper.
PRINCE ERUDITE
Hey! Wasn’t sure if you’d want this back, but—
(seeing NARRATOR)
Oh! Narrator! SO. I realize I’m basically just a member of Charming’s entourage but I’d love to talk to you about my character arc because as they say, there are no small parts, only small— (to CLUMSY)
That is NOT directed at you. You’re ado-able. (yikes!)
Adorable. (nonchalant)
Agreeable.
NARRATOR
Cinderella, Snow White, what has gotten into you?!
CINDERELLA
Wanna know what’s gotten into us? How long have you known that Charming was both of (our)—
NARRATOR
Stop! Yikes. What is that tone you’re using?
CINDERELLA
All I’m asking—
NARRATOR
You’re yelling. You don’t even realize you’re doing it. It’s the register. It’s so strident. No. Shrill? Dulcet tones. Practice! All of you.
(singsong)
Sorry.
CINDERELLA
Why would you keep that from us? That Snow and I are sharing a prince?
NARRATOR
Because I knew you’d get hysterical. You’d better tread carefully in those slippers, missy. You’ll get a reputation.
As?
Difficult.
(off EVERYBODY’s horror)
NARRATOR
Everybody who doesn’t live here, OUT.
ALL exit except for SNOW WHITE. CINDERELLA tries to join the OTHERS.
NARRATOR
Not you, Cinderella.
(to SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA)
Girls. We have been entrusted with these tales. WE are the guardians. Do you understand how much of a responsibility that is?
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE
Yes.
NARRATOR
I’m very glad to hear that. Because these fairy tales, they teach children how to see the world. What to fear. Whom to love. What happy ever after means. And so if we start changing things… we might as well take away their north star! The very light that guides them through their childhoods!
I understand but—
NARRATOR
(snapping)
No I don’t think you do. Cinderella, you told me you felt “lonely.” Do you know where you’ll really feel lonely? Story’s End.
(Thunder crashes again.)
(NARRATOR)
Do you know how many of these tales are no longer requested? Nobody’s going to want to read your story girls if you aren’t likeable. Is that happy ever after to you?!? Fading into obscurity, for all eternity?
… no.
NARRATOR
Then I want this nonsense to stop. The next time your story is read you will perform it exactly as written. Am I clear?!?
(off CINDERELLA’s nod)
Good day. And happy ever after. He exits. CINDERELLA gathers her things.
CINDERELLA
I gotta go.
SNOW WHITE
What about telling the girls about the book?
CINDERELLA
… Never mind. It’s too dangerous. CINDERELLA exits, and we transition to…
CINDERELLA is mid-conversation with her BIRDS and MICE.
… no, of course it’s no choice at all. But look, what am I complaining about, really? So my husband has a mistress. Am I the first woman in history to have to look the other way as her husband is intimate with her best friend who is literally the fairest of them all? Ha! So I’m just going to play the role I’ve been written…
(A larger BIRD begins pointedly tweeting a question at her.)
of my…? No, of course it isn’t the best use of my abilities. But then, what abilities do I have? I mean, if you want a lentil-free hearth, I’m your girl, but… I just don’t see the point of dreaming.
Poof! The bird transforms into O.F.G.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
You don’t see the point of dreaming?! Bibbidi bobbidi BOO on this attitude of yours!
(off)
CINDERELLA!
CINDERELLA
They took the book! And I tried to get it back but— you’re just gonna have to get it back for me.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Get it back for you, of course—
O.F.G. reaches in her purse, pulls out her wand.
CINDERELLA
(to the BIRDS)
Never gets old, having a fairy godmother.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
NOW ALACAZOOLAMI AND MENCHIKAPOOLARU BUT THE THINGAMABOB THAT DOES THE JOB IS—
CINDERELLA (loving it)
BIBBIDI BOBBIDI—
FAIRY GODMOTHER (pointing wand)
Self-reliance.
Cinderella. Your story is going to challenge you. You can’t run from those challenges— you gotta run toward them! But to do that, you might need to give those slippers… (raised eyebrow) a break.
You mean literally? The eyebrow, you seem to be suggesting that—
Here’s the thing, Cinderella. True happy ever after—for a woman—usually involves breaking some glass. (then)
I think that’s the key to your happy ever after…
I could never…
(CINDERELLA takes off a slipper and feigns “trying” to break it.)
It’s not a material with a ton of give. Plus these are my slippers! Iconic. I wouldn’t be “Cinderella” without them!
So who would you be?
CINDERELLA has no idea.
I kinda need more help. If you could just— (off O.F.G.’s look)
And… there’s that eyebrow. Self-reliance? (confirmed)
Self-reliance.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Cinderella, if something’s wrong with your ever after, it’s up to you to right it!
Write it, or right it? How are you spelling—
FAIRY GODMOTHER
You can’t do one without the other. So right your fairy tale! That is the answer to the problem that has no name…
BELINDA & BETANY (off)
CINDERELLA!!!
O.F.G. vanishes as the STEPSISTERS arrive, book in hand.
There she is, Princess FancyPants Ideas!
BETANY
BELINDA
Princess “Look at me, I’m literate.”
NARRATOR (off)
Top of the dressmaking scene!
Music begins and the STEPSISTERS start to shred CINDERELLA’s gown as she fumes.
#10—Slave 4 U / Piece of Me
BETANY
UH OH CINDERELLA YOU’VE BEEN SUCH A NAUGHTY GIRL
BELINDA
WHATEVER GAVE YOU THE IDEA THAT YOU COULD STEP INTO OUR WORLD?
BETANY
NOT PRACTICAL, NOT LOGICAL
I’M KNOCKING, NO ONE’S THERE
BELINDA
ALL I KNOW IS I’M SO HAPPY EV’RY TIME I TEAR They gleefully shred CINDERELLA’s gown…
BETANY & BELINDA
GET IT GET IT, GET IT GET IT, OH GET IT GET IT, GET IT GET IT, UH OH GET IT GET IT, GET IT GET IT OH! Ecstasy. CINDERELLA fumes.
CINDERELLA
BEEN ON THE STEPSISTER SCENE SINCE I WAS SEVENTEEN.
DON’T MATTER IF I KEEP THE PLACE CLEAN OR SNEAK AWAY SEEKING PALACE DREAMS. THESE SISTERS WANT MY SLIPPERS, TREAT ME VICIOUS, THEY TREAT ME MEAN THEY WANT A PIECE OF ME.
BETANY
WE WANT A PIECE OF YOU!
BELINDA YOU’RE A—
BETANY & BELINDA
SLAVE FOR US
YOU LIVE TO SERVE US, YOU DO NOT DESERVE US, YOU’RE A SLAVE FOR US YOU CAN’T DENY IT, WHY YOU TRYIN’ TO HIDE IT?
CINDERELLA
I GO FROM RAGS STRAIGHT TO RICHES, GET THE HATE FROM STUCK-UP SNITCHES WHO CAN RIP ON MY STITCHES, DON’T FLIP THE SITUATION WHICH IS (light bulb dawning!)
THAT WITH OR WITHOUT THIS DRESS I’M STILL AN EXCEPTIONAL CATCH AND YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME.
BETANY & BELINDA
WE WANT A PIECE OF YOU
BETANY
YOU’RE PRINCESS “LIFESTYLES OF THE POOR AND CLUELESS”
CINDERELLA
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
BELINDA
YOU’RE PRINCESS “OH MY GOSH THAT CIN IS USELESS”
CINDERELLA
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
BETANY
YOU’RE PRINCESS “EXTRA EXTRA THIS JUST IN”
CINDERELLA
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
BELINDA
YOU’RE PRINCESS “CIN JUST CANNOT CATCH A WIN”
CINDERELLA
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!? CINDERELLA stands, and heads to a door.
Where are you— what are you doing?
BETANY
CINDERELLA (then, aha!)
Changing.
(CINDERELLA locks the door behind her. She sizes up what’s left of her dress, then summons her MICE and BIRDS. CINDERELLA works with them to refashion her gown into a dress of her own creation, while BELINDA and BETANY bang on the door.)
RIBBON, SCISSORS, MAYBE AN A LINE? GET THE NEEDLE, DO WE GO KNEE LENGTH? LOOKING BETTER, YES I CAN BREATHE NOW!
BELINDA
BETANY! WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN’ ON HERE?
BETANY
No idea.
(BETANY)
AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOUT ‘CAUSE—
BELINDA
BUT BETANY! SOMETHING’S SERI—
BETANY
Bring it down.
BELINDA (lowering her voice) —OUSLY WRONG HERE
BETANY
No, I mean “lower your voice.”
BELINDA (bass notes)
WHAT’S THIS ALL ABOUT?
CINDERELLA
(as she finishes the dress)
I’M PRINCESS “WHY CAN’T SHE BE HAPPY WITH THE THINGS THAT SHE GOT?”
BUT CHECK IT, SEEKING EQUAL TREATMENT SURE DON’T SEEM LIKE A LOT. SO I AM COMING FOR YOUR KINGDOM,
BETANY & BELINDA
UH-OH!
CINDERELLA READY OR NOT. NOW ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
BELINDA
I am not at ALL sure at this point.
CINDERELLA bursts out, completely transformed in the chic dress of her own design.
BELINDA and BETANY are stunned.
I’M PRINCESS “EVER AFTER’S NOT ENOUGH!” YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
PRINCESS “FREEDOM’S WHAT I’M DREAMING OF”
BELINDA & BETANY
(impressed)
WE WANT A PIECE OF YOU…
I’M PRINCESS “OH, I KNOW THERE’S MORE THAN THIS” YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
PRINCESS “I DON’T NEED A PRINCE’S KISS” ‘CAUSE I’M ALREADY A QUEEN!
(CINDERELLA grabs the book from a stunned BELINDA and exits. Outside, she holds out her hand for a songbird.)
Tell the girls to meet me at Rapunzel’s tower!
CINDERELLA hurries away. Transition to:
PRINCESS AND THE PEA, LITTLE MERMAID, SLEEPING BEAUTY, and SNOW WHITE wait at a wishing well.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
What could the emergency be?
SNOW WHITE (into the well)
The emergency is this wishing well! Who has a coin? I wanna make a wish! (hearing an echo, eyes wide)
Somebody’s down there!
CINDERELLA (entering)
Ok great, you all got my bird—
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Cin, what’s going on, and what are you wearing?
CINDERELLA
I’ll explain when we’re all together— where’s Pun?
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
I think her story’s being read—
SNOW WHITE
What are you doing, Cin? You heard what the Narrator said!
CINDERELLA
I did. But well-behaved princesses rarely make history. (then, re: the tower)
We’re going up!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Who us? Up? Can women do that? Won’t our shoulders get broad? Will birds still land on them?!?
Let’s find out!
As CINDERELLA scans her surroundings for a way to get up, a cloaked figure emerges from the end of a braid.
It’s PRINCE CHARMING. The PRINCESSES gasp.
Pureheart?
Valiant?
Faithful?!
Eric?
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
SLEEPING BEAUTY
SNOW WHITE
LITTLE MERMAID (MIMED)
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh, hi there! Ah. Wow! You’re all here. Hi everybody.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Are you the Prince in EVERY story?
PRINCE CHARMING
… oops.
#10A—Oops… Again (then)
I THINK I DID IT AGAIN
(I MADE YOU BELIEVE—)
The PRINCESSES cut him off. Nope. Hearing the commotion, RAPUNZEL leans out of her tower—
What’s going on down there—
RAPUNZEL
Pun, Charming is cheating on you too! On ALL of us!
RAPUNZEL
(daggers to PRINCE CHARMING)
I’m coming down.
RAPUNZEL leaves. PRINCE CHARMING turns to CINDERELLA.
I can explain—
PRINCE CHARMING
So can I. #11—Womanizer
SUPERSTAR, WHERE YOU FROM HOW’S IT GOIN’?
I KNOW YOU GOT A CLUE WHAT YOU’RE DOIN’ YOU CAN CAST YOUR CHARMS ON GIRLS FROM CASTLES TO THE FARMS BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE, BABY.
SNOW WHITE
LOOK AT YOU GETTIN’ ALL AROUND THE KINGDOM!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
BABY, YOU GOT ALL US PUPPETS WITH OUR STRINGS UP
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
FAKIN’ LIKE A GOOD ONE BUT I CALL ‘EM LIKE I SEE ‘EM. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE, BABY
PRINCESSES
WOMANIZER, WOMAN WOMANIZER, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER OH, WOMANIZER, OH, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER BABY YOU, YOU, YOU ARE, YOU, YOU, YOU ARE WOMANIZER, WOMANIZER, WOMANIZER
I… I…
PRINCE CHARMING
PRINCESSES
BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT
I–I KNOW JUST–JUST WHAT YOU ARE
CIN, SNOW, & BEAUTY
BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT
I–I KNOW JUST–JUST WHAT YOU AH–ARE. YOU!
MERMAID, PEA, & PUN
BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU ARE. YOU!
PRINCE CHARMING
You’re all crazy.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
YOU SAY WE’RE CRAZY?
RAPUNZEL & LITTLE MERMAID
AH
PRINCESSES YOU!
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
WE GOT YOUR CRAZY!
RAPUNZEL & LITTLE MERMAID
AH
PRINCESSES YOU!
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
YOU’RE NOTHIN’ BUT A—
PRINCESSES YOU!
PRINCESS AND THE PEA & SLEEPING BEAUTY WOMANIZER
SNOW WHITE gets in PRINCE CHARMING’s face.
SNOW WHITE
CHARMING–O, YOU GOT THE SWAGGER OF A CHAMPION TOO BAD FOR YOU, YOU JUST CAN’T FIND THE RIGHT COMPANION
I GUESS WHEN YOU HAVE ONE TOO MANY, MAKES IT HARD, IT COULD BE EASY, WHO YOU ARE, THAT’S JUST WHO YOU ARE, BABY. RAPUNZEL arrives, out of breath.
WASHING YOU (hands on knees)
Wow, that’s a lot of stairs.
That is why I don’t take them up—
RAPUNZEL
(absolutely not, pouncing)
WASHING YOU RIGHT OUT MY HAIR, DON’T GET IT TWISTED YOU’RE AN ASS, AND AS FOR MINE, BOY, YOU CAN KISS IT! SAY IT, PLAY IT HOW YOU WANNA, BUT MY LOCKS ARE NEVER GONNA FALL FOR YOU, NEVER YOU, BABY
SNOW WHITE
PRINCESSIZER, PRINCESS, PRINCESSIZER, YOU’RE A PRINCESSIZER
PRINCESSES
OH, PRINCESSIZER, OH, YOU’RE A PRINCESSIZER BABY
PRINCESSES (EXCEPT SNOW WHITE)
YOU, YOU, YOU ARE YOU, YOU, YOU ARE!
SNOW WHITE (ad lib riff) YOU YOU ARE
PRINCESSES
PRINCESSIZER! PRINCESSIZER! PRINCESSIZER! CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE
BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT JUST JUST WHAT YOU ARE
BEAUTY, MERMAID, PEA, & PUN
BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW JUST JUST WHAT YOU ARE
CIN & SNOW
BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I KNOW
JUST WHAT YOU ARE
BEAUTY & MERMAID
BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW
JUST JUST WHAT YOU AH–ARE
PEA & PUN
BOY DON’T TRY TO FRONT I–I KNOW
JUST WHAT YOU ARE
The PRINCESSES grab PRINCE CHARMING and drop him into the wishing well.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!
PRINCE CHARMING
ALL PRINCESSES
WOMANIZER, WOMAN WOMANIZER, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER OH, YOU’RE A WOMANIZER, BABY!
PRINCE CHARMING hits the bottom. Boom.
Ok! There’s so much to get you all caught up on. So you remember how I was telling you about this scroll thingy I was given?
(producing The Feminine Mystique)
This is called a book and its sheets are called pages.
AND THE PEA
Whoa, this is the best thing since—
(CINDERELLA pulls bread from her bag.)
Has that loaf been SEVERED?
Yes, and wait ‘til I tell you about something called “peanut butter”! But right now let’s just quickly read this together. This thing is GROUNDBREAKING. Once we’re on the same page about what’s possible, everything’ll make sense!
The PRINCESSES gather round and try to read over CINDERELLA’s shoulder. Chaos.
You can turn. I’m a fast reader.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA (dryly)
Ok, ‘Belle.’
Oh I didn’t realize we’d started!
People, focus! I wish I had copies for everybody—
Don’t you get wishes in your story? I’d help a girl out, but I just get healing tears.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Same.
I literally get a pea. That’s it.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
Let me try.
(closing her eyes)
I wish we had more books!
(A new book suddenly appears! CINDERELLA grabs it, and reads the cover.)
“Private Parts, by Howard Stern.”
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Cin. How many tales have we read? You’ve got to be ruthlessly specific with wishes. Try again.
The PRINCESSES gather around CINDERELLA as she revises the wish.
CINDERELLA
I wish we had more of Princess Betty’s books.
Poof! O.F.G. appears, holding a stack of books.
Did somebody say I wish?
(taking Private Parts)
Oh no, that was a joke, sweetie. I gotcha! I got all of you…
Oh! Everybody, this is O.F.G.!
Notorious
Yes, yes, hello… Ok! Listen up! O.F.G.’s gonna take you to school.
Ooh, school! Finally!
O.F.G. hands out The Feminine Mystique.
O.F.G. is here to— (deep)
BRING THE ACTION WHEN YOU READ THIS IN THE CLUB YOU GOTTA TURN THIS BIT UP YOU GOTTA TURN THIS BIT UP YOU GOTTA TURN THIS BIT UP WHEN WE UP IN THE CLUB ALL EYES ON US ALL EYES ON US ALL EYES ON US SAY IT, GIRLS IN THE CLUB— “WE’VE HAD ENOUGH”
WE’VE HAD ENOUGH?
(off O.F.G.’s look)
WE’VE HAD ENOUGH!
FAIRY GODMOTHER & CINDERELLA
EV’RY PRINCESS IN THE CLUB
LET’S WAKE IT UP
LET’S WAKE IT UP
LET’S WAKE IT UP
SNOW WHITE
I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT ALL OUT!
SLEEPING BEAUTY AND SCREAM
RAPUNZEL & PRINCESS AND THE PEA AND SHOUT
LITTLE MERMAID (MIMED) (AND LET IT OUT!)
SNOW WHITE
WE SAYIN’ O–E–O-E–O–E–O, WE SAYIN’—
SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES O–E–O-E–O–E–O
ALL PRINCESSES, FAIRY GODMOTHER, & CINDERELLA
I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT ALL OUT! AND SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT OUT! WE SAYIN’ O–E–O-E–O–E–O
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(translating for LITTLE MERMAID; spoken in rhythm)
YOU ARE… NOW? NOW. ROCKING WITH A “SCHOOL” OF PRINCESS SUFFRAGISTS! The kingdom’s other PRINCESSES rush in, joining the movement!
PRINCESSES
OH YEAH!
OH YEAH!
OH YEAH!
FAIRY GODMOTHER
BRING THE ACTION!
(re: her voice)
That’s more than a tickle! Now we got a lot of ground to cover. Cin maybe you can summarize, give us the Grimm’s Notes version?
I can give it a go! Chapter one—
BETTY’S AIM: SOLVE THE PROBLEM THAT HAS NO NAME
GOLDILOCKS
WOW I LOVE THIS FOR US
GRETEL, PEA, & RED
OOH SAME!
RAPUNZEL
YO THIS BETTY GIRL’S GOT SOME GAME-GAME-GAME
SNOW WHITE
(stunned)
HIGH HO! WE DO NOT NEED TO LOVE TO SEW!
SLEEPING BEAUTY OR TO COOK OR TO CLEAN
GOLDILOCKS WHAT? WHOA!
ESMERELDA
TIME TO PRACTICE SOME DULCET NO—
BELLE & ESMERELDA NO!
GRETEL, BELLE, & ESMERELDA NO’S!
PRINCESSES
YAY! YO!
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
LOCK IT DOWN, GOT IT NOW!
RED
BETTY KNOWS WHAT SHE’S TALKIN’ ‘BOUT GET IT GIRL, BURN DOWN THE HOU-HOU-HOUSE
PRINCESSES
LET’S GO!
CINDERELLA
MAKE A CHANGE IT’S A BRAND NEW DAY! WE ARE DONE BEING WELL-BEHAVED. SO GET OUT OF OUR WAY! LET’S—
PRINCESSES
BRING THE ACTION!
That’s the ticket! But— there’s a lot that Betty didn’t cover. So…
CINDERELLA
LATELY, I’VE BEEN STUCK IMAGINING WHERE I WANNA GO AND WHAT I REALLY THINK. TIME TO BLOW OUT,
SNOW WHITE
BE A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE, SHOW THEM SNOW GON’ BLOW THROUGH EV’RY DOOR THEY SHUT GOING SO OUT.
RAPUNZEL SHAME ON ME
SLEEPING BEAUTY TO NEED RELEASE
PRINCESS AND THE PEA UNCONTROLLABLY.
CINDERELLA & RAPUNZEL
I, I, I WANNA GO–O–O ALL THE WAY–AY–AY, DREAMING ALL MY DREAMS TONIGHT.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA & SLEEPING BEAUTY
I, I, I WANNA SHOW–OW–OW ALL THE THI–I–INGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND, WHOA.
CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, RAPUNZEL, & PRINCESS AND THE PEA
I, I, I WANNA GO–O–O ALL THE WAY–AY–AY, SCREAMING OUT MY DREAMS TONIGHT.
PRINCESSES
I, I, I WANNA SHOW–OW–OW ALL THE THI–I–INGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND, WHOA.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
PRINCESS BETTY KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR US, GOT A MOVEMENT GROOVIN’ READY TO ERUPT TIME TO BLOW OUT
CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, & RAPUNZEL
WE’VE BEEN LOCKED UP WHILE OUR STORY’S TOLD, TOLD TO COUNT OUR BLESSINGS TOLD WE CAN’T GROW OLD, TOLD TO STAY OUT
PRINCESSES
SHAME ON ME
PRINCES
(entering)
YES, SHAME ON YOU! YES, SHAME ON YOU!
PRINCESSES
TO NEED RELEASE
PRINCES
THIS ISN’T WHAT A GIRL SHOULD DO
PRINCESSES UNCONTROLLABLY.
PRINCES
CONTROL YOURSELF, WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU? YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY, PUT YOUR DREAMS ASIDE. YOU’RE GONNA BLOW EVERYTHING, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?
I, I, I WANNA GO-O-O ALL THE WAY-AY-AY, DREAMING ALL MY DREAMS TONIGHT. I, I, I WANNA SHOW-OW-OW ALL THE THI-I-INGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND. WHOA WHOA
I WANNA GO ALL THE WAY…
I WANNA SHOW ALL THE THINGS I GOT RUNNIN’ THROUGH MY MIND. WHOA WHOA
YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY, PUT YOUR DREAMS ASIDE. YOU’RE GONNA BLOW EVERYTHING, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? WHOA
PRINCE CHARMING and the NARRATOR, flanked by the kingdom’s MEN, block the WOMEN’s path.
Where do you think you’re going?
Yes, where do you think you’re going?
The WOMEN all look at each other. Where, um, exactly are they going?
CINDERELLA thinks. Turns to O.F.G.… who raises her fist. CINDERELLA thinks. Then…
On strike.
#13—Entr’acte
SCENE 1—THE CASTLE
The kingdom has been turned upside down. With the women on strike, no stories can be read…
HIT IT!
#14—Crazy
CRAZY!
OW
Lights up on the GIRL, in her room, holding the open book of fairy tales.
She turns it around. Its pages are blank.
Oh no, the stories—they’re gone! What’s going on? Godmother! Godmother?
At that, a mysterious door appears. The GIRL opens it… and steps through.
Lights up on the NARRATOR, pacing, and on PRINCE CHARMING and the STEPFAMILY.
CINDY I’M SO OVER YOU,
PRINCE CHARMING
YOU STARTED SOMETHING, WHAT DID YOU DO?
CINDY YOU SPIN ME AROUND, OH, DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD TURN DOWN A CROWN
NARRATOR, PRINCE CHARMING, & STEPFAMILY
THINGS WERE FINE BLIND MICE COULD SEE YOUR LIFE WAS PERFECT, BUT NOW WE AGREE YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY, I JUST CAN’T SLEEP. YOU’VE LOST YOUR MIND GIRL YOU’RE IN TOO DEEP. SO–O–O CRAZY THIS IS NOT ALL RIGHT! BABY THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT!
PRINCE CHARMING
TELL ME YOU’RE SO INTO ME THAT I’M THE ONLY ONE YOU WILL SEE
BETANY & BELINDA
TELL ME I’M NOT IN THE BLUE OR THAT I’M NOT WASTIN’ MY FEELIN’S ON YOU
PRINCE CHARMING, BETANY, & BELINDA EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT ME MY HEART IS JUMPIN’, IT’S EASY TO SEE!
NARRATOR, PRINCE CHARMING, & STEPFAMILY YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY! I JUST CAN’T SLEEP.
PRINCE CHARMING, BETANY, & BELINDA LOVE UNREQUITED I’M IN SO DEEP.
NARRATOR, PRINCE CHARMING, & STEPFAMILY
OH-OH-OH CRAZY! BUT IT FEELS ALL RIGHT BABY THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT
The striking PRINCESSES enter, on their march, holding signs: “WHO YOU CALLING PRINCESS?” “HANDS OFF MY EVER AFTER” “RESCUE THIS”, etc.
PRINCESSES CRAZY!
WE JUST CAN’T SLEEP! WE’RE SO EXCITED! WE’RE IN SO DEEP! CRAZY BUT IT FEELS ALL RIGHT EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT
NARRATOR Stop!
STEPMOTHER, STEPSISTERS, PRINCES, & NARRATOR
YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY, BABY.
EXCITED, I’M IN TOO DEEP, OH, BUT IT FEELS ALRIGHT!
COMPANY
BABY THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY! I JUST CAN’T SLEEP.
STEPMOTHER, STEPSISTERS, PRINCES, & PRINCESSES
I’M SO EXCITED
SNOW, BEAUTY, & CIN
I’M IN SO DEEP!
COMPANY (EXCEPT SNOW, BEAUTY, & CIN) YOU’RE IN TOO DEEP! OH, CRAZY,
COMPANY (EXCEPT NARRATOR) BUT IT FEELS ALRIGHT!
COMPANY
THERE’S NO PAGES TURNING ANYWHERE TONIGHT! THERE’S NO PAGES TURNING ANYWHERE TONIGHT!
NARRATOR
It’s all ruined. Centuries of tradition lost! And on my watch! Cinderella has destroyed everything! She’ll pay.
STEPMOTHER
(sidling up)
In BLOOD.
NARRATOR
The children… how could she do this to them?!? Cinderella was our most popular tale!
BETANY
It was?!?
Go us!
BELINDA
STEPMOTHER
You just need another girl to play her.
NARRATOR
But there are no other girls! She’s taken ALL of them!
STEPMOTHER
Well not ALL of them.
BETANY
Gosh, she really has…
What a tragedy.
Girls.
Can we get her back?
Ooh great idea! What if we sent—
BELINDA
STEPMOTHER
BELINDA
BETANY
(cutting her off)
The Huntsman!
STEPMOTHER
BETANY
Why would we send him? Given his track record.
STEPMOTHER
WE DO NOT WANT CINDERELLA BACK THAT IS WHY WE ARE SUGGESTING HIM.
BETANY
Ah, clever, mother!
We just don’t want him to send—
STEPMOTHER
BELINDA
CHARMING!
(taking her idea)
I’ve got it! Charming! (then)
I shall send Prince Charming! He probably already has a plan! After all, this is a prince who knows how to perform under pressure!
Lights on PRINCE CHARMING, PRINCE ERUDITE rubbing his shoulders.
PRINCE CHARMING
That’s too much pressure. Ugh, and now it’s not enough. How could Cin do this? I mean, how selfish can a princess be?! Who am I supposed to kiss now?!? Who’s going to tuck me in? Who is going to scratch the very middle of my back?!?!?
PRINCE ERUDITE
Your highness… I too have a problem. It’s a matter of the heart. You know the speech you give, at the ball, about love at first sight?
(off PRINCE CHARMING’s “bleck”)
Well, I believe it may have happened to me.
You sly dog! What’s her name?
… his.
PRINCE CHARMING
PRINCE ERUDITE
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh… my friend. I can’t say that I blame you, nor am I surprised, but sadly my beanstalk—which is giant—is not for—
PRINCE ERUDITE
It isn’t you.
Of course it is.
It isn’t.
But it is.
PRINCE CHARMING
PRINCE ERUDITE
PRINCE CHARMING
PRINCE ERUDITE (realizing)
I have to go find him.
PRINCE CHARMING
Wait, what? No! You can’t leave too!
NARRATOR enters, with STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS in tow.
NARRATOR
Charming! We need you to save the day, and get back Cinderella.
PRINCE CHARMING (jumping up)
On it! (then)
How.
STEPMOTHER
Exactly. It’s useless. We’ll have to find a replacement girl, go to Plan B. B… hmm, what girl names start with B?
BELINDA
Belle!
NARRATOR (considering)
Possibly.
Beauty?
Interesting…
Baba Yaga?
GIRLS
BETANY
NARRATOR
BELINDA
STEPMOTHER
NARRATOR (deciding)
No, we stick with Plan A. A as in “AS IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN.” We’re not changing things.
Here for that. In Plan A, I save the day by giving Cin her slipper back. But she has them both already. What else could I give her?
BETANY
An ultimatum?!?
NARRATOR A piece of MY mind?!?
STEPMOTHER A lobotomy?
(stepping up)
Your full attention. Just listen to her. Show her that you care what SHE has to say.
EVERYBODY stares. Huh.
That was, wow, B. Oh! Belinda starts with B, mom!
STEPMOTHER
So does “boiled her daughters alive.”
(re: BELINDA)
Do… what she said. Go.
PRINCE CHARMING
At your wish! And with that, I am off to bring back Cinderella’s heart…
EVERYBODY leaves except STEPMOTHER, who stops PRINCE CHARMING as he’s exiting.
STEPMOTHER
Oh Charming! You’re so brave. To even attempt this! What’s the plan? Just out of curiosity! I want to help you! If I can!
PRINCE CHARMING considers, then repeats what Belinda said, verbatim.
PRINCE CHARMING
I’m going to give Cin my full attention. Listen to her. Show her that I care what she has to say.
STEPMOTHER
(recoiling)
Oof.
What? Not good?
PRINCE CHARMING
STEPMOTHER
Charming. If you’re only Cinderella’s prince, how is that going to make her friends feel? Rejected. And then they’ll resent her, and the friendships? Kaput. Women can be VERY cruel. What women want is not “a good listener.” Ha! They want to avoid conflict. Muscle gain. Having to think too much. (hmm!)
I wonder… no.
No no no, what?!?
PRINCE CHARMING
STEPMOTHER
If you couldn’t ALL be—
PRINCE CHARMING (lightbulb!)
Together! Forever! In one big happy castle!
STEPMOTHER
YES! Oh, Charming, that’s so clever! Cinderella is going to LOVE that idea. Love it! I honestly think you’ve solved it!
PRINCE CHARMING
Really?
STEPMOTHER
Would I lie to you? HOW did you ever come up with that?!?
#15—3
I just put two and two together!
PRINCE CHARMING
And got?
STEPMOTHER
PRINCE CHARMING
THREE!
(PRINCE CHARMING)
ONE, TWO, THREE NOT ONLY CIN AND ME, BUT A WHOLE PRINCESS TEAM! AND I’M CAUGHT IN BETWEEN COUNTIN’ ONE, TWO, THREE CINDERELLA, SNOW, ME GETTIN’ DOWN WITH 3P EVERYBODY LOVES—
STEPMOTHER
OH. This is an absolute stroke of GENIUS you’ve had, and I don’t say that lightly.
PRINCE CHARMING
THREE IS A CHARM
(off his wink)
Ha!
No it isn’t.
STEPMOTHER
PRINCE CHARMING TWO IS NOT THE SAME
STEPMOTHER
I DON’T SEE THE HARM SO ARE YOU GAME?
PRINCE CHARMING
LET’S MAKE A TEAM MAKE ‘EM SAY MY NAME LOVIN’ THE EXTREME
STEPMOTHER
NOW ARE YOU GAME? ARE YOU IN? LIVIN’ IN SIN IT’S THE NEW THING! ARE YOU IN?
PRINCE CHARMING
I AM COUNTIN’!
ONE, TWO, THREE NOT ONLY CIN AND ME,
STEPMOTHER
THERE’S RAPUNZEL AND PEA!
PRINCE CHARMING
AND I’M CAUGHT IN BETWEEN COUNTIN’ ONE, TWO, THREE AND IF MERMAID AGREES GETTIN’ DOWN THE 6P! EVERYBODY LOVES—
STEPMOTHER
OH. Wow. This is truly… you know what? I’m jealous. There, I said it! (then)
Oh, to be young and beautiful. You get to my age, Charming, and “menopause”… but then they just keep on walking.
PRINCE CHARMING & STEPMOTHER WHAT WE DO IS INNOCENT JUST FOR FUN AND NOTHIN’ MEANT
PRINCE CHARMING IF SHE DON’T LIKE THE COMPANY WE CAN DO IT CIN AND ME! CIN AND ME Beat.
STEPMOTHER OR THREE… OR FOUR… MAYBE MORE…
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES ONE, TWO, THREE NOT ONLY CIN AND ME
STEPMOTHER
GET ONE-EIGHTY DEGREES!
PRINCE CHARMING
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
PRINCE CHARMING & PRINCES
COUNTIN’ ONE, TWO, THREE
I’LL
GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE! AND SHE’LL HAVE TO AGREE
PRINCE CHARMING, STEPMOTHER, & PRINCES EVERYBODY LOVES ME!
Later that day, the PRINCESSES are marching triumphantly through the forest.
#15A—Gimme More
PRINCESSES
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!
EVERY TIME THEY TURN OUR RIGHTS DOWN
PRINCESSES
JUST WANNA GO THAT EXTRA MILE FOR YOU
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
UNITED DISPLAY OF INTENTION
PRINCESSES
FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD’S ON THE MOVE, IT’S TRUE!
BELLE
BREAKING IT DOWN WHAT WAS LOST BECOMES FOUND
PRINCESSES
WE KEEP ON MARCHING WE KEEP ON MARCHING YEAH!
CAN’T STOP THE PASSION WHEN PROTEST’S IN FASHION
THE KINGDOM’S WATCHIN’
KEEP WATCHIN’ FEELS LIKE THE CROWD IS SAYING
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!
(SNOW WHITE riffs ad lib. over the final phrase.)
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE!
The song concludes, and both the mood and moon is high. Time to make camp!
Ok! We’re clearly not going to make it to the Narrator’s castle tonight. Let’s stop here!
… in the forest?
We’re leaving breadcrumbs, right?
Oh I ate the— was that what the severed loaf was for?
Let’s use this time to make our list of demands for the Narrator! We’re gonna take these to him so he can use the Great Quill to rewrite our stories! Cheers!
So what do we want?!? No bad ideas!
Clumsy can write them down!
That’s definitely a bad idea. And hold on, Clumsy’s here? I thought this was a million princess march.
Yes but we need male allies!
(on cue, arriving)
Hi! Prince Erudite.
(excitement from ALL)
The Celibate.
(deflated sighs)
I heard you’re striking!
Yes!
(eyes on CLUMSY)
So striking…
(PRINCE ERUDITE)
CINDERELLA
PRINCE ERUDITE
We’re just about to make a— do you need to talk to Clumsy?
PRINCE ERUDITE
Yes. No. What?
(smitten, quill ready)
So? Who wants what?
The PRINCESSES are stumped. Unsure what to even ask for…
(off BELLE’s hand)
Yes, Belle!
BELLE
I wouldn’t say no to a set of non-verbal china…
More… porridge? Too big an ask? Too small? Wanna get it just right, you know me!
A banana? Instead of the apple? (then)
Just to mix up the poisoning.
What if we think… you know, BIGGER. Anything is possible!
Silence. They’ve never allowed themselves to think this big before.
I’ll go. Can I go? What I’d want… if… anything is possible? What I’d want is… Sparks fly as CLUMSY realizes…
CLUMSY
… love.
PRINCE ERUDITE & CLUMSY
True love.
PRINCE ERUDITE nearly faints, and SNOW WHITE catches him.
Whoa! You almost fell!
I almost fell…
SNOW WHITE
PRINCE ERUDITE
SNOW WHITE
(to PRINCESS AND THE PEA)
Was he about to kiss me?!?
He was not.
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
PRINCE ERUDITE steps toward CLUMSY. Taking his shot. If anything is possible…
PRINCE ERUDITE
… Can I just say, when I first saw you, I was like, oh wow, who is that short drink of water whistling while he werks?
CLUMSY
Me? Really? But… I’m so clumsy.
Not with people. I see the way you are with Snow, how you’re always taking care of her… but who’s taking care of you?
… nobody?
PRINCE ERUDITE
What if… that was me?
A forever beat. SNOW WHITE moves to CLUMSY and whispers in his ear—
SNOW WHITE
Kiss him!
And that’s exactly what he does, to cheers!
THAT is the kind of change we’re looking for! So? What do you all want, for your stories?
The PRINCESSES are now inspired.
I’m going to become a knight!
Cheers for every idea!
Librarian!
Allergist!
Beautician!
Taxidermist!
RAPUNZEL
BELLE
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
SLEEPING BEAUTY
LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD
ESMERELDA
Chiropractor!
I’m going to become a BRAIN SURGEON!
SNOW WHITE’s idea is met with a “hmm.”
WHITE
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
But wait— what if the Narrator won’t meet with us?
Then we will… storm the castle!
How will we get in?
CINDERELLA isn’t sure.
CINDERELLA
Guys. I have a plan. Let’s make camp and we’ll go over it first thing in the morning!
Ok! The PRINCESSES start making camp. SNOW WHITE approaches CINDERELLA.
SNOW WHITE
I’ve been telling everybody, “Do not worry, Cin has a—”
I do not have a plan.
(CINDERELLA looks around.)
We need O.F.G. I kinda thought she’d show up by now? So I’m gonna go find her.
SNOW WHITE
… by yourself? In the forest? Have you read a fairy tale?!?
CINDERELLA
Snow, I know you don’t get a fairy godmother and this isn’t a competition BUT you generally need to be in some kind of distress to summon one, so yeah… dark forest, by myself. And look, if I can’t find her, I’ll be back by midnight. That’s kinda my thing. (then)
You’re in charge!
SNOW WHITE Me?!?
Snow. You’re so much more than just the fairest…
With that, CINDERELLA sets off on the path into the forest. SNOW WHITE watches her go.
CINDERELLA wanders, lost.
O.F.G.! O.F.G.! O.F.—
PRINCE CHARMING (appearing)
How about O–F–Me?
What are you doing here?
I came to rescue you.
… from what?
PRINCE CHARMING
PRINCE CHARMING
From this weird thing you’re doing! Cin. Remember when I said I knew what you were missing? I know what it is, now!
(dramatic pause)
Me! At book club! I want us to come. And never leave. It can be all of us, together, in the castle. Team Charming! (then)
1, 2, 3—
Gonna stop you there, no. Not even close. I have to go now.
CINDERELLA turns to leave, and PRINCE CHARMING follows, baffled.
But your Stepmother said if I—
PRINCE CHARMING
This was her (idea)— of course it was. She is not your friend.
She’s NOT?
(following her)
Why is everything suddenly so complicated? I don’t understand! Cin, stop, please?! She loses her slipper. He retrieves it and refuses to give it back until she listens.
I USED TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND AND I THOUGHT I DID IT WELL NOW I’M SO CONFUSED WHAT HAPPENED, CINDERELLA?
I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SWELL AND NOW YOU SAY WE’RE THROUGH? HERE I AM AND ALL IS FORGIVEN COME HELP ME TELL OUR FAIRY TALE! HERE YOU ARE WALKING THE WORLD ALONE COME ON, COME BACK PLEASE CIN, C’MON HOME!
I’M SORRY FOR RUNNING AWAY LIKE THIS AND I’M SORRY, I’VE ALREADY MADE MY WISH OH–OH–OH, BUT CINDERELLA’S GOT TO GO
PRINCE CHARMING
Cin—
I’M SORRY JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE DON’T WORRY YOU’RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT O–O–O BUT CINDERELLA’S GOT TO—
PRINCE CHARMING
Stay! You can’t just leave, Cin! That’s not how our story goes! You leave, then you come back! You always… remember? And then I find you!
(off CINDERELLA’s silence)
I miss you. A lot. And I get that I was the prince in every story and people seem to be weirdly upset about that, but that wasn’t my choice! Do you seriously think I’d choose anybody else if I had a choice? In a million once upon a times? I just want things to go
(PRINCE CHARMING)
back to the way they were! When we were all happy! … weren’t we? All happy? Aren’t I charming?
You are. … in your way. But I don’t think we’re meant to be together. Do you? Honestly? Do you honestly think this is true love? What we have?
PRINCE CHARMING
Why are you asking so many questions?
I’M SORRY FOR RUNNING AWAY LIKE THIS AND I’M SOR—
PRINCE CHARMING
SHH, PLEASE GIVE ME JUST THIS KISS, O–O–OH He kisses her. Sincere.
CINDERELLA’S GOT TO…
Beat, then she hands him her other slipper and PRINCE CHARMING realizes—
PRINCE CHARMING
… go.
With that, he lets CINDERELLA go.
The NARRATOR and STEPFAMILY are watching, unseen.
STEPMOTHER
Welp, we tried!
(motioning to STEPSISTERS)
Guess it’s time to consider other girls—
NARRATOR
You’re right.
STEPMOTHER I am?
She is?
Who are we talking about?
NARRATOR
It doesn’t have to be Cinderella. Any of those girls would do, in a pinch—
STEPMOTHER
No, I meant, girls who haven’t turned their backs on everything you’ve done for them, girls who’ve stuck by you through thick and thin.
She pushes the STEPSISTERS forward.
But who?
NARRATOR
STEPMOTHER
But who?! (then)
I wonder if there are any other girls we aren’t thinking of. The answer could be right under our noses. Sisters? Are there sisters—
NARRATOR
I’ve got it.
STEPMOTHER (instant pivot)
Yes?
NARRATOR
The old woman, who lives in the shoe!
STEPMOTHER
Oh I don’t think that would work. There’s the age difference, plus she has so many children—
BELINDA
Yeah, I babysat for her once, and I actually sat on a baby. Because they’re everywhere
NARRATOR
Wait, I’ve solved it!
You have?
Your daughters!
… who?
STEPMOTHER
NARRATOR
STEPMOTHER
NARRATOR
You have a pair of daughters.
Do I? Oh, I do! How did you ever—
STEPMOTHER
NARRATOR
It just came to me.
STEPMOTHER
Genius. Lemme see if I can find them… oh look, they’re RIGHT HERE. We can do this right now!
NARRATOR (reconsidering)
Of course, those other girls, they’ll turn around eventually. And when they do…
STEPMOTHER
Don’t let them! These girls are never going to be anything but trouble for you! Banish them. Bring the movement to its knees. DESTROY THEM.
NARRATOR
Banish them?
ALL of them.
STEPMOTHER
BETANY
Easy mom…
STEPMOTHER eyes the NARRATOR. Weighs playing her strongest card…
STEPMOTHER (then)
You’ve never actually done it, have you. Banished anybody.
NARRATOR
I banished O.F.G.!
STEPMOTHER (quietly)
Oh I think we both knew she left. Just up and… “walked away”… (STEPMOTHER knows how far to push. She moves to him. Whispers in his ear, building him back up—)
You’re the Narrator. You have the power. Use it
Lights up on the movement, asleep in the campsite. The NARRATOR and STEPMOTHER now begin moving among them.
BABY, CAN’T YOU HEAR YOUR CALLING A GUY LIKE YOU SHOULD WEAR A WARNING YOU’RE DANGEROUS, GO ALL IN…
(With her encouragement, NARRATOR discovers that he does indeed have the power. He moves his hand and one by one, the PRINCESSES begin to move with him, slipping under his command.)
THERE’S NO ESCAPE, I CAN’T WAIT. I NEED A HIT, BABY, GIMME IT. YOU’RE DANGEROUS I’M LOVING IT.
SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES
AH
AH
OTHER PRINCESSES
STEPMOTHER
TOO HIGH, CAN’T COME DOWN LOSING THEIR HEADS, SPIN THEM ROUND AND ROUND. DO YOU FEEL ME NOW?
SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES
AH
AH
OTHER PRINCESSES
ALL PRINCESSES AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH
STEPMOTHER
WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST THEY’RE ON A RIDE. THEY’RE TOXIC,
PRINCESSES
I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER
STEPMOTHER
WITH A TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE
STEPMOTHER & PRINCESSES
I’M ADDICTED TO YOU
STEPMOTHER
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THEY’RE TOXIC?
AND I LOVE WHAT YOU DO, DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THEY’RE TOXIC?
ALL PRINCESSES
AHHHH
STEPMOTHER
TOO HIGH CAN’T COME DOWN IT’S IN THE AIR AND IT’S ALL AROUND
CAN YOU FEEL ME NOW?
WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST THEY’RE ON A RIDE.
SCROLL CLUB (+ OTHER PRINCESSES) (HAH) HAH (AH)
(I LOVE WHAT YOU DO)
STEPMOTHER
AH AH AH AH AH
AH AH AH AH AH
SCROLL CLUB (+ OTHER PRINCESSES)
TOO HIGH CAN’T COME DOWN (IN THE AIR ALL AROUND) (AH)
(UH UH)
STEPMOTHER, NARRATOR, PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE
YOU’RE TOXIC, I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER!
STEPMOTHER
WITH A TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE
I’M ADDICTED TO YOU
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?
PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE
AH AH
NARRATOR puppet dances his CHARACTERS.
PRINCESSES
AH AH AH AH AH
STEPMOTHER
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?
ALL
INTOXICATE ME NOW WITH YOUR POWER NOW!
STEPMOTHER & NARRATOR
I THINK I’M READY NOW!
ALL
WITH A FLICK OF YOUR WRIST THEY’RE ON A RIDE. YOU’RE TOXIC, I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER!
STEPMOTHER & NARRATOR
TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE
ALL
I’M ADDICTED TO YOU
STEPMOTHER & NARRATOR
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?
AND I LOVE WHAT YOU DO
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?
PRINCESSES (CLUMSY & PRINCE ERUDITE)
AH AH (TOXIC) TOXIC
PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE
LOVE WHAT YOU DO
AH AH
SCROLL CLUB PRINCESSES
AH AH AH AH AH
STEPMOTHER
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?
CLUMSY, PRINCE ERUDITE, & OTHER PRINCESSES
YOU’RE TOXIC, I’M SLIPPIN’ UNDER
ALL PRINCESSES
AH AH AH AH AH
STEPMOTHER
AH AH AH AHHHHHH
PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE, KNOW THAT YOU’RE, KNOW THAT YOU’RE TOXIC?
WHOOSH! All of Cinderella’s FRIENDS are sent off to Story’s End, vanishing into thin air.
Silence.
#17A—Banishment
Then SNOW WHITE appears, the only princess remaining.
Where is Cinderella?
What have you done with—
NARRATOR
SNOW WHITE
NARRATOR
Where is she?!? Tell me and I’ll spare you.
SNOW WHITE sees the STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS, watching. She looks to NARRATOR.
SNOW WHITE
No.
NARRATOR considers, then...
NARRATOR
Foolish girl. Whoosh! He sends her to Story’s End.
BETANY
This is crazy! You can’t get rid of everybody!
BELINDA
Mom, tell him! What’s he doing?
… what’s necessary.
STEPMOTHER
BETANY
But it’s so… mean.
STEPMOTHER
Well… the end justifies the mean! Wake up, princesses—fairy tales are dark. This is the world we live in.
Beat, then BETANY and BELINDA rush the NARRATOR!
Bring them back!
BETANY & BELINDA
He raises his hand and places both of them under his command.
STEPMOTHER
What are you (doing)
(NARRATOR flicks them away, banishing them to Story’s End too.)
What have you done??!
NARRATOR
You a favor! How were you going to choose which daughter marries Charming? (off her silence)
… do we have a problem?
(STEPMOTHER stares, frozen.)
Good.
(then)
Happy ever after.
NARRATOR turns, and vanishes through the banishment portal without a word. STEPMOTHER screams. Primal.
CINDERELLA, returning, is drawn to the sound.
What are you doing here? Where are the girls?!?
STEPMOTHER can’t look at her. The intercom lights up, red.
NARRATOR
(V.O.)
Yes where are the girls? Where could they be…
(MORE)
(then)
Cinderella, be at the palace by—shall we say midnight?—where you will marry Prince Charming, or join your friends in Story’s End.
Click. CINDERELLA stares at STEPMOTHER, in shock.
Oh Cinderella, I never (meant)
GO.
#17B—Stronger (Reprise)
#18—Everytime
STEPMOTHER gathers herself, then leaves CINDERELLA alone, lost, devastated.
LOST MY WAY, LOST MY MIND KNEW THEM ONCE UPON A TIME I HAD IT ALL AND MAYBE I WAS HAPPY EVERYTIME I TRY TO FLY I FALL, WITHOUT MY WINGS I FEEL SO SMALL. I GUESS I NEED YOU BABY? AND EVERYTIME I SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS I SEE YOUR FACE, YOU’RE HAUNTING ME. I GUESS I NEED YOU BABY?
I MAKE BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE HERE IT’S THE ONLY WAY I SEE CLEAR WHY LEAVE ME NOW? YOU SEEM TO MOVE ON EASY EVERYTIME I TRY TO FLY I FALL, I GUESS A GIRL CAN’T HAVE IT ALL OH WAS I WRONG FOR WANTING? EVERYTIME I TRY TO DREAM MY DREAM I SEE IT FADE IN FRONT OF ME AND NOW THAT DREAM, IT HAUNTS ME…
I THOUGHT THE WORLD COULD CHANGE PLEASE FORGIVE ME
ALL PAIN AND NOTHING GAINED
Lights on the GIRL, who appears, holding her book of fairy tales.
AND THIS SONG’S MY SORRY…
Who are you?! What are you doing this close to Story’s End?!? You could get eaten by the wolf, or stepped on by the Giant, or—
You’re Cinderella! Your story is my favorite!
Wait hold up—are you a READER?!? How’d you get here?!?
I was looking for my godmother. This is her favorite book, and… I think I ruined it. (showing the cover)
It still says “Once Upon a Time” and “Happy Ever After” but inside it’s… empty…
She opens the book and shows her the blank pages.
Oh no, you didn’t ruin it. I did. I ruined everything…
(looking at campsite)
All my friends, the other princesses, they…
(She can’t bring herself to tell the GIRL. CINDERELLA takes the book from her and reads the back cover.)
“… Happy Ever After.” That was the idea… Oh what was I thinking?!? I questioned my, well…
(re: the cover)
this, and O.F.G. made me think I could “right” my fairy tale, which was so not true… but I got all the princesses to go on strike for things like equal pay, and, what else, oh! We found out our prince was cheating on…
(realizing the GIRL’s age)
tests… and I thought we could improve our lives, but look where it’s gotten us. The story’s ruined…
GIRL (beat, then)
But I love your story.
CINDERELLA
I did too. The dress, the ball, the shoes, but—
GIRL
No, not that story, your NEW story. The one you just told me!
CINDERELLA (floored)
… really? You love it? But it’s not… how did you even recognize me?
GIRL
You’re Cinderella.
CINDERELLA
Am I? Look at me. I don’t even have my slippers!
CINDERELLA sits, barefoot, lost. Her sadness prompts the GIRL to take a seat next to her.
GIRL
Why can’t you get new slippers?! I have to get new shoes all the time. Look, these are too small for me now…
(At that, she takes off her shoes.)
My godmother says if you don’t change… (then)
You can’t grow.
CINDERELLA takes one of the GIRL’s shoes in her hand. Considering this new wisdom. Then…
CINDERELLA
Sounds like you have a very wise Godmother.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
(then, entering)
She has her moments.
O.F.G.! Where’ve you been?
(re: the GIRL)
Looking for her.
I was looking for you
FAIRY GODMOTHER
GIRL
CINDERELLA
Waitwaitwait, SHE’s your godmother? You live in the paradise of Flatbush?!?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Brooklyn, baby!
CINDERELLA
Oh O.F.G., the Narrator, he’s banished everybody! What do we do? Can you get them back?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
(then, finally)
It’s not my story, Cinderella…
CINDERELLA
Then I have to go to the Narrator’s castle…
FAIRY GODMOTHER
We’re coming with you.
No way, she’s just a child!
CINDERELLA
(to the GIRL)
Don’t you want to go home?
GIRL
And miss this?!? I want to know how the story ends! Do you still live happy ever after? I have to know!
… so do I.
At that, they set off together for…
Where the stage is set for a grand wedding. Organ music plays as NARRATOR waits to narrate.
PRINCE CHARMING stands next to the iconic slipper. Just waiting for a certain foot.
#18A—Make Me Reprise
PRINCES AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOH! AND MAKE ME OOOOOOOOOH!
The clock begins to strike midnight.
Eight, nine, ten… is Cinderella not going to show?
Eleven… and CINDERELLA’s there.
O.F.G. and the GIRL perch offstage, watching. Waiting to see how the story unfolds.
Waiting to see what’s going to happen…
CINDERELLA stops at the slippers.
NARRATOR
Ah Cinderella, you’ve returned! As I knew you would. Come to your senses, and realized the glass slipper fit you all along. So now you get to decide! Marry Prince Charming… or join your friends in Story’s End.
#19—Stronger Part 1
With that he points, revealing the CHARACTERS trapped in Story’s End, frozen in slumber.
Shock and horror from the PRINCES.
PRINCE CHARMING
You didn’t tell us you banished them! How could you?
NARRATOR
But how could I not?!?
(to the room)
Any objections?
(NARRATOR)
(to CINDERELLA)
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
CINDERELLA is silent.
Lights on the GIRL, watching with STEPMOTHER, engrossed in the story happening before her…
Say something, Cinderella!
You don’t have to do this.
CINDERELLA stares at the glass slipper he’s holding.
CINDERELLA
… I do.
PRINCE CHARMING puts the slipper down, unsure.
CINDERELLA steps toward it, and him.
NARRATOR
And so it was that Cinderella and her prince Charming were married, their union sealed by true love—
CINDERELLA
Hush just STOP.
THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY
NARRATOR
You are making a terrible mistake, Cinderella!
CINDERELLA
I’VE HAD ENOUGH
I’M NOT YOUR PROPERTY AS FROM TODAY
Then you give me no choice—
NARRATOR
CINDERELLA
YOU MIGHT THINK THAT I WON’T MAKE IT
(The NARRATOR uses his power to draw CINDERELLA to him, in close, inches from his face.
The Banishment Portal appears, opening, as they battle for control.
NARRATOR waves his hand to banish CINDERELLA to Story’s End.
CINDERELLA doesn’t move.)
BUT YOU’RE WRONG
CINDERELLA raises the slipper.
What do you think you’re doing?!?
CINDERELLA looks to the GIRL.
To O.F.G.
To the NARRATOR.
Righting a fairy tale. (then)
I! AM! STRONGER!
At that, CINDERELLA shatters her glass slipper, and it dissolves into a tornado of glitter.
The tornado sweeps up the NARRATOR, carrying him off to Story’s End through the banishment portal.
Light and color paint the stage as the PRINCESSES begin awakening. Returning…
PRINCESSES
HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE I GO… HERE WE GO…
(The chorus grows, as more CHARACTERS are awoken by CINDERELLA’s power.)
HERE WE GO!
HERE WE GO!
HERE WE GO!
HERE WE GO!
The last to return is SNOW WHITE.
SNOW WHITE ALL RIGHT!
A burst of light, and the rescued PRINCESSES link arms and step forward together.
PRINCESSES
STRONGER! STRONGER!
THAN WE EVER THOUGHT THAT WE COULD BE, BABY. WE USED TO GO WITH THE FLOW DIDN’T REALLY CARE ABOUT ME.
YOU MIGHT THINK THAT WE CAN’T TAKE IT BUT YOU’RE WRONG
STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!
IT’S NOTHING BUT OUR WAY!
OUR LONELINESS AIN’T KILLIN’ US NO MORE, WE ARE
PRINCESSES, CLUMSY, & PRINCE ERUDITE STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!
+ PRINCES
NOW IT’S NOTHING BUT OUR WAY!
+ LITTLE MERMAID WE KNOW THAT WE CAN MAKE IT ON OUR OWN!
ALL WE ARE STRONGER!
Cin, you rescued us! How?
LITTLE MERMAID
STRONGER! …
IT’S NOTHING BUT OUR WAY!
STEPFAMILY
OUR LONELINESS AIN’T KILLING US NO MORE!
SNOW WHITE
CINDERELLA considers the pieces of the glass slipper that she’s holding. Piecing together what happened…
I broke the spell? Made a wish— and was ruthlessly specific. And here you are… (then)
My Happy Ever After… I couldn’t imagine it without you all here.
Hear, hear! (stunned)
I CAN SPEAK!
Pure joy as the kingdom realizes that LITTLE MERMAID’s voice has been restored!
We all live happy ever after!
SNOW WHITE
RAPUNZEL
Except him.
Lights on the NARRATOR, trapped in Story’s End.
PRINCESSES
(faux dulcet tones)
Sorry…
CINDERELLA
No. I don’t think that’s the story we want to tell. The PRINCESSES consider. SNOW WHITE steps forward. Speaking for all of them.
SNOW WHITE
She’s right.
CINDERELLA
(to FAIRY GODMOTHER)
Can you give him a chance to right his fairy tale?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
You can.
She hands CINDERELLA her wand. Beat, then CINDERELLA waves it and…
NARRATOR is freed.
What… how did…
(seeing FAIRY GODMOTHER)
NARRATOR
You! Of course you’re behind this! I knew I smelled insubordination!
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Oh, my perfume? It’s called “Curious.” Which you must be on some level, about why all of this is happening?
NARRATOR pauses. If he’s honest… he is curious. As he considers—the GIRL bounds forward.
I am! Finish the story!
Who is this?!?
A reader!
GIRL
LITTLE MERMAID
NARRATOR
CINDERELLA
Yes. This is one of our most clever readers. She’s the person who taught me that we can change our stories.
NARRATOR (to the GIRL)
But you don’t like change!
GIRL
Says who?!? I love this story!
NARRATOR (floored)
You do?!?
Yes! And I love your voice!
GIRL
NARRATOR
You do?
(resonant)
… you do?
NARRATOR’s world is rocked. Everything he thought he knew. Changed.
We can change our stories. (then)
So what will be yours?
NARRATOR
I’m just the Narrator. I don’t have a story. I don’t even have a name.
So pick a name!
Encouragement from ALL. Pick a name!
NARRATOR
… Steve?
CINDERELLA (“huh”)
Steve. Ok. Sure.
The CHARACTERS try to rall around “Steve” as his name. The NARRATOR looks around this new kingdom.
Trying to process the change.
NARRATOR
Well perhaps… a few adjustments could be made around here. A bit of fine tuning…
STEPMOTHER
But that’s what I’ve been trying to tell “Steve” for hundreds of years! I’ve been trying! In my way, I’ve…
You did what you could with what you thought you had.
Yes, exactly, I… (then, genuine)
Thank you.
What happens now?!?
We start over. We have to build something… new. Magical. (looking to O.F.G.)
Our own Flat Bush.
Tell me what you want—all of you. I’ll write it down! Steve presents, “New Fairy Tales, for a New Age!”
No. We need to write our own stories. To figure out what happy ever after means to each of us. Come on. Let’s turn the page. Together.
NARRATOR considers her offer. A fresh start. This new beginning.
… this is hard!
We can do this.
PRINCE CHARMING
CINDERELLA Together.
WE ARE STRONGER
SNOW WHITE
THAN WE EVER THOUGHT THAT WE COULD BE
I USED TO GO WITH THE FLOW
ONLY EVER CARED ABOUT ME
(approaching the NARRATOR)
YOU MIGHT THINK THAT WE WON’T MAKE IT
NARRATOR considers, as ALL watch to see what he’ll do.
(then)
… BUT I’M WRONG.
YOU ARE STRONGER…
At that, NARRATOR removes the ornate key from round his neck, and hands it to CINDERELLA.
CINDERELLA looks to the GIRL, standing with O.F.G. Gestures for her to come. When she does…
CINDERELLA places the key around her neck.
At that, the orb containing the Great Quill begins to descend…
Once upon a time there was a girl who wanted…
The GIRL moves center stage with her book, and sits, opening it…
Fairness?
Comfort?
Beauty?
Bravery?
SNOW WHITE
PRINCESS AND THE PEA
SLEEPING BEAUTY
RAPUNZEL
Love?
Friendship?
Confidence?
Family?
… a voice?
CINDERELLA watches the GIRL.
Considers. Has her answer.
It ALL.
(to CINDERELLA)
Atta girl. (taking the GIRL’s hand)
And now it’s time for us to go. We’ve got more work to do in America. She gathers herself to leave.
Thank you, O.F.— hey wait, do you have a name?
I do! Elizabeth. (then)
Betty, to my friends.
COMPANY
SHOW ME HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE TELL ME BABY, ‘CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW…
And now O.F.G. hands the GIRL her own quill, leans in and says to her…
Tell me a story…
At that, the GIRL opens the blank book of fairy tales and begins to write…
COMPANY
ONCE UPON A…
GIVE ME A SIGN ONCE UPON A…
GIVE ME A SIGN ONCE UPON A… ONCE UPON A… ONCE UPON A ONE MORE…
(And now the ENTIRE COMPANY receives their own quills, to write their stories…) TIME.
Lights.
#22—Megamix
It’s Britney, bitch…
COMPANY
MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE, (STILL BELIEVE) WHEN I’M NOT WITH YOU I LOSE MY MIND
GIVE ME A SIGN, HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!
EVERY TIME THEY TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN KEEP WATCHIN’
JUST WANNA GO THAT EXTRA MILE FOR YOU. YOU GOT MY DISPLAY OF AFFECTION. KEEP WATCHIN’
FEELS LIKE NO ONE ELSE IN THE ROOM BUT YOU…
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME MORE
COMPANY
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE
GIMME GIMME MORE GIMME GIMME MORE
HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!
GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME
GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME
EV’RY TIME THEY TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!
EV’RY TIME THEY TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN GIVE ME A SIGN,
GIVE ME A SIGN,
COMPANY
HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!
WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH
WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH
WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH
WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH
I CAN’T TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE NO MORE NEVER FELT LIKE FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE COME ON GET ME, GET ME ON THE FLOOR DJ WHAT YOU WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?
WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH
WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH
WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH
WHOA OH OH OH OH OH OH
SEE THE SUNLIGHT WE AIN’T STOPPING
KEEP ON DANCING TILL THE WORLDS ENDS
IF YOU FEEL IT LET IT HAPPEN
KEEP ON DANCING TILL THE WORLDS ENDS KEEP ON DANCING TILL THE WORLDS ENDS
KEEP ON DANCING
HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME! Confetti cannons explode and a thousand live tigers are released into the theater.