L ibretto V oca L b ook
Book, Music, and Lyrics
by Daniel Zaitchik
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Development of DARLING GRENADINE was supported by the Eugene O’Neill Center Theater during a residency at the National Musical Theater Conference in 2016 Preston Whiteway Paulette Haupt Executive Director Artistic Director
DARLING GRENADINE was presented at the National Alliance for Musical Theatre’s Festival of New Musicals in 2017 www.namt.org
DARLING GRENADINE was originally produced by GOODSPEED MUSICALS in 2017
Produced and Further Developed Summer, 2019 At the Marriot Theatre
Terry James, Executive Producer Aaron Thielen, Artistic Director
Originally Produced in New York City by Roundabout Theatre Company as part of Roundabout Underground
At Harold and Miriam Steinberg Center for Theatre
All words and music © Daniel Zaitchik (Last Revised—April 2025)
Characters
HARRY LOUISE
PAUL
WOMAN (Florist, Waitress, Sara, Dottie, Singer, Vet, etc.)
MAN (Piano Tuner, Chef, Felix, Cafe Guy, Brazilian Millionaire, Bellhop, Michael, etc.)
TRUMPET PLAYER (Street Musician & voice of Paul the dog)
Some notes:
The world:
We’re in present-day Manhattan, but people dress a little more formally and recognizable modern technology is absent. Telephones are suggested by vintage vocal microphones (on stands with wheels, so actors can travel while speaking/singing). We don’t see any cell phones, computers, etc.
We move from location to location seamlessly. Projections of line-drawn illustrations swiftly establish place. No need for big scene changes. The fewer props the better.
Use of color should be specific and playful. For example, Harry’s red tie, his dog’s red ball, the cherries in his drinks—should all feel related, as they would in a painting.
There is not always a definitive line between casual movement and dance.
Although our setting is aesthetically distinct, the whimsical qualities should not make this world feel any less human.
Paul the dog:
The Trumpet Player voices the things that Paul “says.” The “lines” in the script are simply suggestions of Paul’s intentions/feelings to be interpreted with the instrument. Sometimes the trumpet may sound quite dog-like—such as a grunt or a pant—other times it may be more melodic and abstract. Feel free to add additional little growls, pants, etc.; the lines are a guide, but see what else comes naturally. There is only one musically notated line that should be observed: his “I love you.” This phrase should be played as indicated in the score.
Actors should speak to Paul the dog as they would to a human—no need for a doggy baby voice. He should feel like an equal and casual participant in the conversation. Please note the actors should not look at the Trumpet Player when he is voicing this character. He is simply the aural expression of the dog, not the dog himself, and generally he should keep his eyes on the space where the dog would be. And while the Trumpet Player should inhabit a pure energy that echoes the spirit of Paul, the actor need not do any “dog acting.” It’s all in the instrument.
In production, Paul the dog has been represented on stage in two ways: with and without a puppet. The original concept was a life-sized marionette that evokes the physical and emotional essence of a Labrador Retriever. In this version, the puppeteer and the Trumpet Player work in conjunction to build the character. For the off-Broadway run, however, the puppet was removed, and it was solely the voice of the character that made his presence known. In this iteration the actors interact with an invisible dog and the audience members are invited to use their imaginations.
Both options can be impactful depending on venue size, vision, and budget. Ultimately, I’m perhaps more interested in the “invisible dog” version, as it leaves space for each audience member to create their own Paul, drawing on personal experience and relationships with dogs. But the choice is yours!
*A slash mark (/) in the middle of a line indicates where the following line should begin.
Musical Numbers (Cont’d)
ACT ONE
PROLOGUE
(Empty space. Spotlight on HARRY. He’s in slacks, an untucked button-down, and a casual fall jacket—a satchel over his shoulder. The MAN and WOMAN sit in the shadows, part of the audience. LOUISE and PAUL stand on opposite sides of the space, dimly lit, both holding crimson bound scripts to their chests. HARRY smiles nervously and addresses the audience.)
HARRY
Hi. (Beat.) Uh… I’m no good at hellos. (Beat.) Hellos are awful. Everyone’s always saying how they hate goodbyes. But goodbyes are easy. You know what comes next: nothing. Zero pressure. But hellos are… oof. If there were a way to impart everything about who you are immediately—that’d help. Maybe it’s a pill—yeah—“Hello—here you go”—the other person swallows it—and then they know you. All of you. Your favorite color, your most ticklish spots… in what ways you’re bound to be disappointing. There’d be no misconceptions. It’d save a lot of trouble down the road. (Beat.) I’m, uh—sorry. (He laughs uncomfortably, clears his throat and smiles.) It’s just hard to start, you know? To know where to start.
(He puts his hands in his jacket pockets and looks at the foor. He feels something in one of the pockets and takes it out. It’s a slightly weathered playbill for a Broadway musical called “Paradise.” The title is written in a lavish Art Deco font—maybe with some peacock feather ornamentation. Perhaps there’s an image of a luxury hotel, a young maid with a feather duster, or a bellhop with a gun. Mystery, melodrama, and romance. There’s a signature on the playbill, and below it a phone number.
As he considers the playbill, music begins to creep in—a long suspended note on strings—and the lights become warmer. HARRY smiles.)
Hm.
(We hear a trumpet playing. HARRY looks up. A streetlamp from the past fickers on and a TRUMPET PLAYER with a tip hat is illuminated.)
Ah.
(HARRY turns his head to him and a bouncy upright bass line begins. HARRY listens, smiling and feeling the music in his body, as line-drawn projections of Manhattan start flling the space and our unique illustrative world takes shape. We’ve gone back in time three years.
HARRY vocally improvises, playfully imitating the instrument. We get the feeling this is something the two of them do whenever HARRY passes by.)
#0—Prologue
(HARRY)
BWAH DA DA BWAH DA…
(HARRY and the TRUMPET PLAYER tease each other with their musical lines as a tree appears, full of early autumn leaves. HARRY makes as if he’s leaving, then runs back for one more moment of harmony. He does a fnal silly spin, laughs at himself, throws several bills in the tip hat, then salutes the TRUMPET PLAYER and moves on.)
(to himself) Two, three, four…
(The full band joyously kicks in.)
SCENE 1: HARRY & PAUL & LOUISE
(Projection: SEPTEMBER. A bar sign appears: “STANDARDS.” As the bar takes shape, HARRY tucks in his shirt, takes off his casual jacket and throws it into the darkness as a stylish slim suit jacket comes fying on from the opposite direction. HARRY catches it and puts it on. It matches his pants. From another direction someone fings a loosely tied skinny red tie. HARRY slips it over his head and tightens it, buttoning the top button of his shirt. Suddenly he’s cool and well dressed in a ftted suit. He pushes his hair back and breezes into the bar, which hasn’t opened yet today—chairs on tables, glasses air drying, etc. A PIANO TUNER is working on the piano. He has a lunch box and a mouth full of peanut butter and jelly sandwich.)
PIANO TUNER
Heya, Harry.
(patting his shoulder)
HARRY
Oh good, Frank, thanks for comin’—she needs some love. Middle D’s dead.
PIANO TUNER
I’m on it.
(HARRY plunks the middle D—it makes a hollow sound. He sticks his tongue out and smiles.)
HARRY
Where’s my handsome brother?
He’s in back.
PIANO TUNER
(A FLORIST arrives at the door with yellow fowers.)
FLORIST
Hi, Harry. Sunday delivery.
HARRY
Claire, you clairvoyant florist. How’d you know I was feelin’ so yellow today?
FLORIST
Oh yeah? And why’s that?
#1—Swell
HARRY
(*SNAP *SNAP) I MET SOMEONE SWELL AND WE GO SO WELL—
PIANO TUNER
LIKE PB & J?
HARRY
NO WAY, LIKE TONIC AND TANQUERAY I INSTANTLY FELL…
FLORIST
COULD THAT SOMEBODY TELL? DID IT SHOW ON YOUR FACE?
HARRY
IT SHOWED ALL OVER THE PLACE
SWELL, I MET SOMEBODY SWELL
SWELL, MY HEART STARTED TO SWELL
SWELL, I FIN’LLY GOT MY SWELL
SWELL: THAT PINKISH-WINKISH SPELL
PIANO TUNER
DID YOU STAY OUT LATE? DO I HEAR WEDDING BELLS?
FLORIST
DO YOU THINK IT WAS FATE?
HARRY
OH, I SHOULDN’T “KISS-MET” AND TELL
HARRY (CONT’D)
BUT WHOA, I’M FEELING SO…
SWELL, I MET SOMEBODY SWELL
SWELL, MY HEART STARTED TO SWELL
SWELL, I FIN’LLY GOT MY SWELL
SWELL: THE PINKISH–WINKISH SPELL
PIANO TUNER / PLORIST
SWELL, YOU MET SOMEBODY SWELL YOUR HEART STARTED TO SWELL YOU FIN’LLY GOT YOUR SWELL THAT PINKISH-WINKISH SPELL
(HARRY plays the middle D again. Still wonky. He squishes his face at the PIANO TUNER in jest. The FLORIST drops fowers into empty vases. PAUL comes out from the back with a broom. HARRY swipes a fower from the FLORIST, bites off the stem and sticks it in PAUL’s lapel.)
PAUL
(light) You’re insanely late.
HARRY
You’re insanely gorgeous. It’s disarming. My arms are falling off. I met someone.
PAUL
So I heard.
Note that spring in his step.
PIANO TUNER
PAUL
That’s cuz the floors are coming up. The laminate’s buckling again.
HARRY
(bouncing on the floor) You’ll love her. Louise. She’s this goofy little juicy strawberry thing.
PAUL
That’s very nice, Harry—I’m sure she’d appreciate that description.
(PAUL hands HARRY the broom to help out. HARRY turns the situation into a little dance. The PIANO TUNER and FLORIST dance too. PAUL is charmed. HARRY turns the room yellow.)
HARRY
(*SNAP *SNAP) MET SOMEONE SWELL WE GO SO WELL…
(HARRY points to PAUL, implying “your turn”)
PAUL
(giving in to the game)
LIKE BUTTER AND SCONES—
HARRY
NO, NO—LIKE SUMMER AND ICE CREAM CONES NOW THINGS ARE OKAY
ALL MY TROUBLES SET SAIL
CUZ MY BABY IS MADE OF— (handing it off to PAUL)
SALTINES AND GINGER ALE WHOA…
NOW I FEEL ALL POLKA-DOTTIE-OH, LIKE BUBBLES THAT POP AND BLOW-EE-OH
HARRY
THE SWELL, I MET SOMEBODY SWELL I’M ALL TWIDDLE-DIDDLE THUMBS, A STICK OF THAT LIC’RICE CHEWIN’ GUM IT’S SWELL THAT PINKISH-WINKISH SPELL
PAUL (Paul throws his hand up.)
ALL YOUR TROUBLES SET SAIL…
PAUL
SALTINES AND GINGER ALE
WOAH…
BUBBLES THAT POP AND BLOW-EE-OH
SWELL… YOU FIN’LLY GOT YOUR SWELL
PIANO TUNER / FLORIST SWELL… SWELL…
STICK OF THAT LIC’RICE CHEWIN’ GUM SWELL… THAT PINKISH-WINKISH SPELL
(HARRY sits at the piano and plays. The others gather around.)
HARRY
LA LA LA…
PAUL / PIANO TUNER / FLORIST
SWELL… THAT PINKISH-WINKISH SPELL
(HARRY conducts)
LA LA LA…
LA LA LA…
LA LA LA…
HARRY
PAUL / PIANO TUNER / FLORIST
(*SNAP *SNAP *SNAP)
ALL
HARRY
MET SOMEONE SWELL AND WE GO SO WELL
MAN
LIKE PB & J?
HARRY
NO WAY, LIKE TONIC AND TAN…
(PAUL heads behind the bar. The PIANO TUNER keeps fddling.)
PAUL
LIKE TONIC AND TAN…
LIKE TONIC AND TAN…
HARRY
PIANO TUNER / FLORIST
LIKE TONIC AND TAN…
LIKE TONIC AND TAN…
LIKE TONIC AND TAN…
PAUL
HARRY
PAUL / PIANO TUNER / FLORIST
LIKE TONIC AND TAN…
LIKE TONIC AND TAN…
… QUERAY
HOORAY
HOORAY
HOORAY
HARRY
HARRY / PAUL
PIANO TUNER / FLORIST
HARRY
PAUL
(PAUL slides a gin and tonic down the bar to HARRY. HARRY plunks the middle D and it fnally plays.)
HOORAY!
(HARRY shakes the PIANO TUNER’s hand and kisses the FLORIST on the cheek as they leave, handing them both wads of cash. He reaches over the bar to grab a cherry.)
PAUL
Hey—hands outa the cherries— (he playfully slaps HARRY’s hand away.) So where’d you meet this supposed Louise?
HARRY
Outside her theatre. She’s in the Broadway revival of “Paradise.”
PAUL
Paradise?
HARRY
You know, the one with all the maids and bellhops and the Brazilian Millionaire—
PAUL
Oh right, Katrina’s show?
HARRY
Yeah. Louise is her understudy. I caught the matinee yesterday.
(HARRY takes a “Paradise” playbill out of his pocket and we’re suddenly transported to the stage door. Note: this is a different playbill prop—clean, with no signature or phone number. LOUISE comes out the stage door, passing HARRY.)
HARRY
Hi, Louise.
(turning back) Hi… (searching for a name)
LOUISE
HARRY
Harry. I’m a friend of Katrina’s. I’m a—I’m a composer.
LOUISE
Harry! Yes, right—Harry. The composer. Of course, sorry.
HARRY
Oh, no! We haven’t met—
LOUISE
Oh, great—Ha. Well, you just caught me pretending we had. That’s embarrassing—
HARRY
No, no. It was very convincing. Top-notch deception. You obviously chose the right career.
LOUISE
Eh, jury’s still out on that one. Nice to meet you, Harry. (She starts to move on.)
HARRY
Would you sign my program?
Oh, I’m just in the chorus.
LOUISE
HARRY
But they give you all the little special funny bits.
LOUISE
I guess.
HARRY
I love your little special funny bits. Did that sound weird?
LOUISE
Only because you drew attention to it.
Excellent.
HARRY
(He hands her the playbill to sign. DOTTIE and MAN come out the stage door and pass HARRY and LOUISE.)
DOTTIE
You comin’, Lou-Lou?
HARRY
Hey, great show.
LOUISE
Yeah, Dottie—I’ll meet you guys.
MAN Thanks. Sorta sleepy audience today, huh?
DOTTIE
K. (As they head off, yelling back to LOUISE) He’s cute. (To HARRY) You’re cute. (The MAN hits her arm.)
LOUISE
Oh, god—sorry—she always just says things she doesn’t mean.
HARRY
(Beat.) Oh. (He furrows his brow.) Look, I know this is… but—do you wanna grab a bit—a bite—a bit of a bite to eat?
LOUISE
Oh, that’s—thank you, but we’ve got two shows today, so.
HARRY
You’ve got two shows today? Wow. That’s a lot of shows.
LOUISE
Well, it usually ends up being around two.
HARRY
That makes sense. (Beat.) You really are very funny and, uh, special in the show.
LOUISE
(She stops signing and really looks at him.) That’s very nice. Thank you. (She hands the playbill back.) There ya go. You have a dog?
HARRY
Huh? Yes, I… do?—
(He looks behind him, confused.)
LOUISE
Oh, I’m not sure I even meant to say that out loud. I just—I noticed the fur on your jacket. / Sorry.
HARRY
Oh, shoot—that’s not / a great look— (he starts wiping the fur off his jacket)
LOUISE
No, no, sorry—I love dogs—What’s his name?
HARRY He’s shedding his summer coat at the moment.
HARRY Paul.
LOUISE
Aw. Paul.
HARRY
He’s a Labrador.
LOUISE
Oh, labs are the best. / We had one growing up. Lenny. You know, I actually have a little— whatsitcalled—if you—
HARRY
Yeah, they’re great dogs. Ah, oh… Thank you.
(LOUISE takes a lint roller out of her bag and starts rolling it on HARRY’s sleeves. A silent moment of just this.)
LOUISE
There.
HARRY
I feel I should leave you my phone number after that.
LOUISE
Sorry, that was—
HARRY
No, I enjoyed it. It’s just I usually like to buy a woman a drink before that kind of intimacy. Here.
(He writes his number on the playbill and hands it back to her.)
Now you have to call me because you’ll need to return that souvenir. It will be very valuable one day.
LOUISE
Yes, I’m sure one day it’ll be worth tens and tens of cents. Bye, Harry.
(LOUISE exits as HARRY turns back to PAUL and does a weird little dance. We’re back in the bar.)
She lint rolled you?
She lint rolled me.
Is that a euphemism?
No, but it felt like one.
Hm. So, what? She called you?
PAUL
HARRY
PAUL
HARRY
PAUL
HARRY
Can you believe it, she did. I’m seeing her tonight. Gotta go.
(HARRY reaches over the bar again, successfully steals a cherry, pops it in his mouth, and heads to the door.)
PAUL
So much for helping me budget the renovations I guess?
HARRY
Oh, shoot, I forgot.
Shocking.
PAUL
HARRY
(on his way out) Get whatever you want, baby bruddah. Just send me the bill.
#1A—”Just send me the bill”
(PAUL sighs as the bar disappears and HARRY and LOUISE circle towards a small table. The WAITRESS and the CHEF throw a foral tablecloth over it and we are suddenly in a cozy Italian restaurant. Romantic lighting. The line-drawn projections create wallpaper with a fower bud motif.)
SCENE 2: HARRY & LOUISE’S FIRST DATE
(HARRY and LOUISE sit. We catch them in mid-conversation.)
HARRY
So did the director give you all those little bits or did you come up with ‘em on your own?
LOUISE
Oh a little bit of both I guess. I just tried to figure out who this third-maid-from-the-left might be—make her someone, ya know?
HARRY
Mm-hm.
LOUISE
I didn’t know if anyone even noticed. There’s a lot going on up there.
HARRY
Of course they do.
(The WAITRESS sets down drinks.)
Thank you.
You got it.
LOUISE
HARRY
Thanks, Diane.
WAITRESS
HARRY
Did you always know you wanted to be on a stage?
LOUISE
Well, it wasn’t something I even knew was an option early on. I’m from Indiana, my parents had a hardware store, so… as a kid I was more an expert in duct tape and doorknobs. (HARRY laughs.) But my mom had this record collection—she’d always have a record playing at the store. So I think at some point I just started singing along.
HARRY
And the rest is history.
LOUISE
Mm, the rest is… an uphill climb. Is it too late to become a heart surgeon? (Beat.) So you’re a composer. And you write shows or—?
HARRY
Oh, no no no—nothing so fancy. I’m a commercial composer mostly. I score ‘em, write jingles—stuff like that.
LOUISE
Oh, wow. Anything I would recognize?
#1B—Betty’s Burgers Theme
HARRY
(He takes a breath, leans in, then:)
DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO . . .
LOUISE
No!
BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH BETTY’S BURGERS! You wrote the Betty’s Burgers jingle?
HARRY
All four notes.
LOUISE
They’ve been using it for years. It’s everywhere.
HARRY
Yeah, Felix—my agent—loves me for that one. It bought me my apartment, this suit, all this plastic surgery—
LOUISE
(laughing) That’s crazy. Four notes. So did you grow up around music?
HARRY
Yeah, yeah I did. My dad was a Broadway conductor actually. (He takes a sip of his drink.)
LOUISE
Oh my gosh, really?
HARRY
Yeah, the first time he took me to visit a theatre, I was looking up at the lights, backing up towards the lip of the stage, and I fell into the orchestra pit. Hard.
LOUISE
Ow.
HARRY
He used to say I fell into the orchestra pit and I never came out.
LOUISE
Ha. So there must be other things you’re working on, right? Besides your legendary jingles?
HARRY
Well, some nights I play tunes at Standards, but that’s just for fun—
LOUISE
Oh—Standards, yeah—I’ve seen the sign, but I’ve never been in—
HARRY
We’ll need to fix that. It’s Paul’s bar.
LOUISE
Your dog has a bar?
HARRY
Ah, right—let me clarify: Paul is also my brother.
LOUISE
That provided no clarity.
HARRY
Two Pauls. The person’s my brother, the dog’s a dog. When I met him at the shelter he was already named Paul. How could I not have taken him home?
LOUISE
Sounds like it could get confusing.
HARRY
Horribly.
LOUISE
Well, you could have changed his name—
HARRY
He’s a 30-year-old man, I think he may have grown attached to it.
(LOUISE laughs. The WAITRESS returns.)
WAITRESS
You want another, Harry?
Why not. Oh—you don’t mind, do you.
HARRY
Of course not.
LOUISE
WAITRESS
How bout you, honey? You still working on that?
LOUISE
(blushing) Oh. I’m fine. Thank you.
Sure thing, honey.
WAITRESS
(She walks away. LOUISE is left fushed, looking down. HARRY notices.)
HARRY
What just happened?
What? Oh no, am I that transparent?
You got a crush?
LOUISE
HARRY
LOUISE
(covering her cheeks) Oh god. No, no. It’s so silly. It’s nothing.
HARRY
Tell me, I like silly nothings.
#2—Every Time A Waitress Calls Me Honey
LOUISE EVERY TIME A WAITRESS CALLS ME HONEY, I DIE OF HAPPINESS CAN’T REMEMBER WHEN THE WHOLE THING STARTED OR WHY, BUT NONETHELESS IT’S ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY, WHEN SWEET WORDS COME MY WAY I DIE There.
HARRY
Uh-oh. Sweet words are in my genetics. Darling? Baby? Sweetheart? Do we need to call the paramedics?
LOUISE
No. It doesn’t work with you.
It has to be a waitress?
HARRY
LOUISE
Not necessarily. It has to be a stranger.
I’m not a stranger?
Not anymore.
(pleased) Oh.
HARRY
LOUISE
HARRY
LOUISE
WHEN IT’S A STRANGER MY HEART STARTS TO FLUTTER IT’S A STRANGER—I GET ALL SOFT, I TURN TO BUTTER IT’S SOMETHIN’ TO DO WITH PEOPLE LIKIN’ YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE ALIVE YEAH—WHEN SOMEONE LIKES ME JUST FOR BEIN’ ALIVE
THE DOORMAN: “THERE YOU GO, MY DEAR” THE CHECKOUT GIRL: “HERE’S YOUR CHANGE, SWEETHEART” I DIE…
HARRY
(squinting) Let’s get to the root of this—
LOUISE
(shrugging) It’s just a little casual tenderness. Probably not even intentional. But it’s nice— cuz life isn’t usually very tender at all, is it?
HARRY
Is that a fact.
LOUISE
Depends who you ask.
IT’S SOMETHING WARM WHEN NIGHTS ARE CHILLY SOMETHING SOFT WHEN DAYS ARE HARD IT CATCHES ME OFF GUARD IT’S SMALL—IT’S ALMOST NOTHING AT ALL BUT IT’S GENTLE AND GOOD AND MAKES YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU ALWAYS WISH YOU COULD
HARRY
ALL THIS—WHEN A WAITRESS CALLS YOU HONEY?
LOUISE
(shaking her head)
I’M TIPSY.
(LOUISE pushes her drink away with both hands.)
HARRY
HI, TIPSY. I GET IT.
(HARRY pushes it back with both hands. She laughs and takes a sip.)
(HARRY)
It’s a bit of kindness from someone who doesn’t know you—
LOUISE
Right—who doesn’t owe you anything—
HARRY
YOU COULD BE A CRIMINAL, YOU COULD BE A FOOL YOU COULD BE DISHONEST, YOU COULD BE CRUEL BUT IT’S THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT— LOUISE
YEAH, MAYBE THAT’S WHAT IT’S ABOUT—
HARRY / LOUISE
YOU COULD BE ANYTHING BUT YOU’RE JUST HONEY…
HARRY
(nodding to the WAITRESS as she re-enters) TO HER
(The WAITRESS returns to the table and sets down HARRY’s drink.)
HARRY
(to the WAITRESS)
EVERY TIME A WAITRESS CALLS HER HONEY
WAITRESS HONEY?
HARRY
SHE DIES
SHE DIES?!
I don’t wanna kill you, doll.
Doll! That’s a good one!
WAITRESS
HARRY
(The CHEF walks by—who is the waitress’s husband—and HARRY pulls him in.)
HARRY / WAITRESS
EVERY TIME A STRANGER PET-NAMES HER SHE DIES
LOUISE
Harry! (she hides her face in embarrassment)
CHEF
YOU SAY SHE’S ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY?
WAITRESS HMM
HARRY WHEN SWEET WORDS COME HER WAY SHE DIES
HARRY IS THERE A CURE FOR THIS?
LOUISE / WAITRESS HMM
CHEF
ONLY A GOODNIGHT KISS
HARRY
I’LL TRY
CHEF / WAITRESS YOU’LL TRY
LOUISE
You’re turning this very little thing into a very big thing.
(The fower buds on the wallpaper open and bloom as everyone starts tickling LOUISE with their words.)
WAITRESS
BABY
BUBBLES
BON-BON
BEAUTY
CHEF
WAITRESS
CHEF
BUTTONS
PRINCESS
DEARIE
GORGEOUS
LAMB CHOP
KITTEN
GOLDIE
SUNSHINE
GUMDROP
HARRY / WAITRESS / CHEF
WAITRESS
CHEF
WAITRESS
HARRY
WAITRESS
CHEF
WAITRESS
HARRY
WAITRESS
GEORGIA PEACH AND YELLOW CHERRY
HARRY/CHEF
SWEET POTATO, SWEDISH BERRY
WAITRESS
COOKIE
MUFFIN
CUPCAKE
CUTIE PIE
HARRY / CHEF
WAITRESS
WAITRESS / HARRY / CHEF
CHEF
BUTTERCUP
JELLY BEAN
BABY DOLL
ANGEL EYES
WAITRESS
HARRY / CHEF
HARRY / WAITRESS / CHEF
LITTLE DOVE, LADY BUG
PEANUT, POOKIE, BAMBI, BUBBLE GUM
SNOOKUMS, SHMOOPIE, PUDDING, SUGAR PLUM
MON AMOUR, MA CHERIE
LOUISE
NO MORE! LOOK AT ME!
WAITRESS / CHEF
OOH…
HARRY
SO IT’S GOT SOMETHIN’ TO DO…
WITH PEOPLE LIKIN’ YOU JUST BE— CAUSE YOU’RE ALIVE
LOUISE
MM—HMM
HM—HMM
LOUISE
WAITRESS / CHEF
IT’S SOMETHIN’ TO DO… WHEN PEOPLE LIKE YOU ‘CAUSE YOU’RE ALIVE
YEAH - WHEN SOMEONE LIKES ME JUST FOR BEIN’ ALIVE
WAITRESS / CHEF
MM-HMM
(making eyes at each other, flled with history)
HARRY
I THINK I LIKE YOU JUST FOR BEIN’ ALIVE
LOUISE
ALIVE
OOH…
WAITRESS / CHEF
(The number ends. HARRY leaves a generous tip, the WAITRESS pinches the CHEF’s bottom, and he goes after her as the restaurant begins to disappear. HARRY and LOUISE walk outside.)
HARRY
So I’m glad I didn’t scare you off with my little stage door Johnny routine.
LOUISE
Well I was the one who attacked you with a lint roller.
HARRY
You followed your instincts. Makes for a good actor, right?
LOUISE
Good actor, weird person. I have no excuse. I’ve truly become my mother.
HARRY
She must be a charming woman.
She was.
Oh, I’m sorry—
LOUISE
HARRY
LOUISE
(light) Oh, no. It was a million years ago. Don’t you ever just catch yourself doing some small thing you recognize and find so infuriating in your parents?
HARRY
Not yet. But I’ll keep you posted.
LOUISE
Well, I felt so ashamed I thought it was only right to give you a call—
HARRY
So this date was your penance?
Precisely.
LOUISE
HARRY
Well for complete absolution, I recommend you come to Standards tomorrow night. I’m no Sinatra, but I’m no nails on a chalkboard.
LOUISE
So somewhere in between?
HARRY
Uh-huh. Smack-dab in the middle of chalkboard and Sinatra.
That sounds very avant-garde
And sometimes Paul sings with me.
Which Paul?
You’ll have to come to find out…
HARRY
LOUISE
HARRY
#2A—”Smack-dab in the middle”
LOUISE
SCENE 3: FIRST GIG
(We transition seamlessly to the bar. The “STANDARDS” sign appears and HARRY plays the piano. LOUISE sits at the bar. PAUL fxes her a stylish drink.)
PAUL
No way. Did he really tell you that story as his own?
LOUISE
Yeah. What do you mean?
PAUL
Let’s put a pause on this conversation till Harry can participate. (He sets down her drink.)
LOUISE
(confused but smiling) OK. (She takes a sip.) Whoa, this is delicious. What am I tasting?
PAUL
It’s a little seasonal experiment. It’s got butternut squash, maple syrup, and other secrets.
LOUISE
It’s a success.
PAUL
Oh, good, I’m glad. I hear you’re Katrina’s understudy.
LOUISE
That’s true.
Have you gone on yet?
PAUL
LOUISE
No, no. She never calls out. She’d do the show with an oxygen tank.
PAUL
Yeah, she’s a trouper, huh? She used to work here.
LOUISE
Right, Harry said.
Do you like her?
Yeah. She’s nice.
No, she’s not.
PAUL
LOUISE
PAUL
LOUISE
No, she’s not. (They both laugh.) And what about this guy?
PAUL
Oh, Harry—he’s a great guy. He’s always been like a brother to me.
LOUISE
(laughing) That tends to be the case with brothers, right?
PAUL
Ha—yeah, yeah—he’s the best.
(HARRY fnishes the tune and heads off stage. Applause from the two people in the audience—WOMAN and MAN.)
HARRY
Yes, thank you… Lady… and Gentle Man. What a crowd. (Heading to the bar.) You came.
LOUISE I came.
PAUL
(playfully) Louise informs me you’re still telling that story about falling into the orchestra pit?
HARRY
Oh jeez—this again? It was me!
PAUL
You were there, yes—but I was the one who fell in—
HARRY
He’s got it backwards—I’m not having this argument again—
PAUL
You’re a memory mugger.
HARRY
Do you have to poison this young lady’s impression of me so soon?
PAUL
Nah, I’m sure you’ve got that covered on your own.
WOMAN
Paul, another vodka soda please?
Coming right up, darling.
PAUL
HARRY
The way he flirts should be illegal. Did he mention he’s taken. And doesn’t even swing that way.
LOUISE
Everyone should feel like they have a chance with the bartender. That’s how their elusive magic works.
PAUL
Thank you, Louise.
HARRY
And how does Michael feel about you manipulating women for tips?
PAUL
Michael works in advertising—he’s proud of me.
(HARRY reaches over the bar to grab a cherry, PAUL slaps his hand away.)
MAN
C’mon, Harry—the keys are gettin’ cold.
HARRY
(hopping back on stage) All right, you beggars. One more. Hey, bartender! Help me out.
(HARRY starts playing. PAUL hands the WOMAN her drink.)
PAUL
(realizing what HARRY is playing) We’ve been singing this one for too many years.
HARRY
No such thing. Everybody sing along—
PAUL
You all know it. It was made famous by not us. #3—Party
PAUL
SO WHAT IF I CAN’T KEEP A JOB OR A ROOF ABOVE MY HEAD
(As PAUL sings, he reflls HARRY’s drink and brings it to him, setting it on the piano with a coaster.)
HARRY
SO WHAT IF I CAN’T KEEP MY WORD OR A WOMAN IN MY BED
PAUL
SO WE CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THE JONESES
HARRY
WE’VE STILL GOT OUR SKINS AND OUR BONES-ES
PAUL
AND WE’LL KEEP ONE PROMISE, MY FRIEND, CUZ WE’VE ALWAYS SAID
HARRY
WE’VE ALWAYS SAID
PAUL
THAT WHEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN THE CITY
HARRY
AND WHEN ALL THE LOVERS AND LOSERS STUMBLE HOME
Hat
HARRY / PAUL
WOO-WOO WOO-WOO
PAUL
WE’RE GONNA KEEP OUR PARTY HATS ON, YEAH
HARRY
WE’RE GONNA KEEP OUR PARTY HATS ON, YEAH
ALL
HMM… YEAH
LOUISE / WOMAN / MAN
HMM… YEAH
WE’RE GONNA STAY FOR ONE MORE SONG, YEAH
WE’RE GONNA KEEP OUR PARTY HATS ON
PAUL
AND WHEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN THE CITY
(As the others join in, they stand, dance, and gather around the piano.)
HARRY
WHEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT
LOUISE / MAN / WOMAN
WHEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT
ALL
WHEN ALL THE LOVERS AND LOSERS STUMBLE HOME
HARRY
AND WHEN WE’VE LOST ALL SENSE OF SIGHT, OF TASTE OF SOUND
ALL
PAUL OF TOUCH OF SMELL OF SOUND
WHEN THEY BURY US SIX FEET UNDERGROUND
WOO-WOO WOO-WOO
WE’RE GONNA KEEP OUR PARTY HATS ON, YEAH
WE’RE GONNA KEEP OUR PARTY HATS ON, YEAH
WE’RE GONNA STAY FOR ONE MORE SONG, YEAH
WE’RE GONNA KEEP OUR PARTY HATS ON
(The song ends and the patrons applaud and cheer.)
HARRY
You wanna meet the other Paul? We’ll walk you home.
LOUISE
It’s a pretty long walk.
I was hoping.
HARRY
(As LOUISE gathers her things, PAUL squeezes HARRY’s arm.)
PAUL
Hey, I really like her.
What’d I tell you?
You good?
(light) I’m good.
HARRY
PAUL
HARRY
(As the bar disappears, PAUL watches HARRY and LOUISE go with a hint of something we can’t quite place —protectiveness? Concern?)
SCENE 4: HARRY WALKS LOUISE HOME
(HARRY and LOUISE walk towards HARRY’s place.)
LOUISE
Ya know, I thought you’d be playing your own songs tonight.
HARRY
Oh, no. I’m a covers guy. Sorry to disappoint.
LOUISE
I’m not disappointed. You were great. Don’t you write your own songs too though?
HARRY
Uh, yeah. Sorta? (he shrugs) I have some. But they’re—that’s not my—mm—cuz—they’re not, you know. Ya know?
LOUISE
No, you didn’t say anything.
HARRY
(he laughs) They’re just for my living room.
LOUISE
Lucky living room.
HARRY
Anyway, covers were the whole idea for the bar. And the name: Standards. The idea is any night you walk in someone’s playing a tune you know and love. It creates a certain mood.
Ahhh.
LOUISE
Got it.
(The TRUMPET PLAYER appears under a streetlamp playing, tip hat in front of him.)
LOUISE
#3A—”A certain mood”
HARRY
Oh, this guy’s the best.
DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE, YEAH…
(LOUISE watches, charmed. HARRY throws money in the tip hat, salutes the TRUMPET PLAYER and they move on.)
Now that’s a musician.
(They immediately arrive at HARRY’s place. A hallway of light appears and a red ball comes rolling on from off stage towards HARRY and LOUISE.)
Brace yourself.
(HARRY squats down and PAUL THE DOG comes running out, knocking him over. The TRUMPET PLAYER remains in the shadows and becomes PAUL THE DOG’s voice.)
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) pant pant pant HARRY HARRY HARRY pant pant pant
HARRY
Hi, kiddo.
(LOUISE bends down to meet him, immediately in love. He pants and rumbles.)
LOUISE
Hi, Paul, hi. Hi.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) YES YES I’M PAUL I LIKE YOU I’M PAUL
LOUISE
Oh, he reminds me so much of Lenny.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) WHY’D YOU STOP PETTING ME
LOUISE
Oh—I know, I’m sorry. I don’t like being compared either. There’s only one of each of us, isn’t there?
HARRY
OK, let’s go for a walk, kiddo.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) WALK WALK WALK pant pant
(Lights widen and HARRY and LOUISE stroll through a park with PAUL THE DOG. Moonlight and leaves. Distant late night city sounds. They’ve been walking for a while.)
HARRY
Uh-oh. We better cross the street, Paul. It’s that Bichon Frisé.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) UH-OH
LOUISE
What’s wrong with the Bichon Frisé? She’s pretty. Don’t you think she’s pretty, Paul?
HARRY
That Bichon Frisé is a nasty old devil. She’s mean to Paul.
LOUISE
Well, that’s probably cuz she likes you, Paul. Girls are strange like that.
HARRY
Paul’s got a thing for a poodle in the building. I can’t say I understand. Poodles are ludicrous.
LOUISE
Hey now—don’t be breedist.
Have you seen a poodle?
HARRY
LOUISE
Blame the haircut, not the poodle. Paul, you go after what you want.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) HELLO! pant pant pant
HARRY
Ah, the tree where he particularly likes to pee. He passes up ten other perfectly good trees for this one. No idea why.
LOUISE
May we all know ourselves so well.
HARRY
(he takes a deep breath) I think the air just changed this evening.
LOUISE
Oh no.
HARRY
Oh no? Autumn is indisputably the best time of year.
LOUISE
I think fall is the more truthful name for it. It’s upfront about what’s coming. There is only one perfectly beautiful week a year in this city, when the light and the leaves make you believe in everything, right before winter comes and you’re an atheist again.
HARRY
(he laughs) Exactly. We are in the perfect week. So I’m still a believer.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) OK!
(PAUL fnishes his business and they move on.)
LOUISE
(suddenly) Gah! (She starts wildly batting at the air.)
HARRY
What?
LOUISE
(picking it off her face) I walked through a cobweb.
HARRY
I bet that means good luck in some culture… somewhere.
LOUISE
(still wiping her face) I’m gonna feel like it’s on my face for the next two weeks. That’s how this always goes.
(HARRY gently removes the last bits of cobweb from her hair. An intimate beat. LOUISE slips away coyly.)
#3B—”How this always goes”
WHEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN THE CITY…
HARRY
WHEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT…
(HARRY catches up to her. She stops at her apartment steps.)
LOUISE
(nodding towards her building) This is me.
HARRY
Oh, so this is you.
LOUISE
Mm-hmm. I don’t know who you’ve been out with all night.
HARRY
Duplicitous.
(HARRY moves in for a kiss, LOUISE leans down and lets PAUL THE DOG lick her face.)
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) pant pant pant LOUISE pant pant pant
LOUISE
It was so great to meet you, Paul.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet—melodic, as notated) I LOVE YOU
LOUISE
I love you, too.
HARRY
Wow. (He throws his hands up.)
(LOUISE stands, places a hand on HARRY’s chest, notices something hard in his inside pocket. She knocks on it three times.)
LOUISE
What, are you wearing armor?
HARRY
Oh… (making light) I like a little protection on a second date.
(HARRY takes LOUISE’s hand and pulls her into him. They kiss. When the kiss ends, they are both a little breathless. They look at each other for a moment, then LOUISE fxes HARRY’s tie and gives him a little pat on the shoulders that implies “I’m not inviting you in just yet.”)
LOUISE
Goodnight.
(LOUISE walks up her steps. She smiles to herself, exhales. HARRY takes out a fask from his inside breast pocket. He raises it to PAUL THE DOG.)
HARRY
WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO
(He sips and new music kicks in. The line-drawn tree appears. Some of its leaves foat and spin to the ground as we spin into the next scene.)
SCENE 5: HARRY SEES “PARADISE” AGAIN
#4—I Only See Louise
(Projection: OCTOBER. The glamorous world of “Paradise” starts forming—green and gold opulence and peacock motifs. HARRY sits alone in a theatre chair. LOUISE and DOTTIE stand backstage, getting ready to enter for a big number. DOTTIE helps LOUISE with a quick change into her maid costume.)
DOTTIE
Ugh, my parents are here again.
Dottie. Your parents are so cute.
LOUISE
DOTTIE
Why does everyone think other people’s parents are cute? Your dad gonna get out here to see the show?
LOUISE
Soon I think, yeah.
How’s it going with stage door guy?
DOTTIE
LOUISE
Really good, actually. It’s like (inexpressible feeling) uhh, mmmmmfff, gahhhh.
DOTTIE
I’d like some (plainly) uh, mmf, gah.
(zip me up) Zip.
I like seeing you smile, Lou-Lou.
I smile all the time.
LOUISE
DOTTIE
LOUISE
DOTTIE
I know the difference between a fake smile and a real one.
(Joined by the BELLHOP, they immediately put on huge fake smiles and dance onstage with suitcases and feather dusters. They strike dramatic, stylish poses—everyone takes a deep breath, about to sing, but HARRY interrupts… )
HARRY
Tss-tss-tss-tss-tss…
(He shoos the MAID and BELLHOP off stage, leaving LOUISE alone in a spotlight. We only follow and hear her track in the number. Her maid character bounces between a cheery public persona for guests and secretive behavior with her fellow maids and bellhops.)
HARRY
I ONLY SEE LOUISE I ONLY SEE LOUISE
(LOUISE moves to a new position and hits a new pose.)
LOUISE
RIGHT THIS WAY, ENJOY YOUR STAY! (moves to a new position)
HARRY
I ONLY SEE LOUISE
LOUISE
JUST DOWN THE HALL! NOT AT ALL! (new position)
WELCOME TO…
DOO-DOO DOO-DOO-DOO AND YOU!
DOO-DOO DOO-DOO-DOO
HARRY
I ONLY SEE LOUISE
(She snaps back up to attention, smiling, as her head slowly follows guests as they pass by.)
LOUISE
GOOD MORNING, MADAM, MORNING, SIR—OOO…
I ONLY SEE LOUISE
(hushed, to an invisible MAID)
HARRY
LOUISE
DO YOU THINK THAT’S REAL FUR?—OOO…
HARRY
NOW HERE’S THAT FUNNY SNEEZE
LOUISE
AH! HA HA HA
AH HA HA HA-CHOO!—OOO… (new position)
HARRY
I ONLY SEE LOUISE
(announcing to invisible people)
LOUISE
THE WEDDING PARTY’S COMING THROUGH—OH…
HARRY
HERE’S WHEN THEY THROW THE KEYS
(LOUISE holds her hands out to catch keys that are thrown from off stage, does some funny business.)
LOUISE
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! OH NO, OH NO! OOO…
HARRY
I ONLY SEE LOUISE
I GOT ‘EM! PHEW!
SHE CAUGHT ‘EM! PHEW!
I ONLY SEE LOUISE
(hushed, to an invisible maid)
LOUISE
HARRY
LOUISE
SHE’S A LUSH AND HE’S A CHEAT! SHHH…
I ONLY SEE LOUISE
HARRY
LOUISE
THEY’RE COMING, HUSH NOW! BE DISCREET! SHHH…
(standing at formal attention)
WELCOME TO… YOUR ROOM IS FRESH AND CLEAN! (waving goodbye)
AND YOU! (hushed, back to maid)
NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU’VE SEEN!
HARRY
I ONLY SEE LOUISE
LOUISE
FLUFF THE PILLOWS, MAKE THE BED…
HARRY
I ONLY SEE LOUISE
(to an invisible bellhop)
LOUISE
ROOM TWO-O-TWO, I THINK HE’S DEAD!
HARRY
I ONLY SEE…
(recovering, formal)
LOUISE
GOOD MORNING, MADAME, MORNING, SIR!
HARRY
LOUISE
LOUISE / HARRY
(Invisible guests pass by. HARRY does the choreography with her.)
(small wave)
BONNE NUIT
(thumbs up)
(LOUISE / HARRY)
BON CHANCE
(hand out, offering)
BON BON?
(extended arm wave)
BONJOUR!
LOUISE…
HARRY
(HARRY foats out of his body and seat and onto the stage with LOUISE. He knows every word and every move.)
LOUISE
ALL RIGHT, NOW LISTEN:
LOUISE / HARRY
(hushed, to an invisible huddled group)
I SAW LILY IN THE PAVILION, SHE WAS THERE WITH THE BRAZILIAN— DON’T BE SILLY, IT WAS LILLY—YES!
I’D KNOW HER ANYWHERE IT WAS LILLY IN THE PAVILION WITH THE BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE! SHH!
HARRY RIDICULOUS!
LOUISE
(her feather duster tickles her nose) HA-CHOO!
I LOVE IT.
HARRY
(LOUISE strikes a fnal pose, big smile, feather duster in the air. HARRY plops back down in his seat and applauds wildly. “Paradise” melts away. HARRY waits at the stage door. Spotlight on FELIX at a microphone. HARRY listens to the message.)
FELIX
(Beep. Dry) Harry, it’s Felix. We never received your spec for the cat food opera commercial. Once again to remind you: they’re looking for a very traditional opera sound. But modern. And sexy. It must be opera. But it cannot sound like opera. Cat food opera. Easy money. What’s the hold up. Please send today.
HARRY
(to himself) Inspiring.
(FELIX disappears as LOUISE comes out the stage door, smiling brightly, shaking her head.)
LOUISE
Honestly, they should give you some sort of season pass.
HARRY
You knew I was here?
LOUISE
Well, the entire cast was wondering about the fanatic in the front row.
HARRY
Fanatic sounds crazy. Enthusiast. Devotee.
LOUISE
Aficionado.
Ooo, aficionados sound handsome.
HARRY
(LOUISE holds his face and kisses him tenderly.)
LOUISE
Hi.
HARRY
Hi.
(HARRY pulls a small box out of his pocket and holds it out to LOUISE.)
#4A—”It’s Felix”
LOUISE
Oh god.
No, no—it’s not that! I’m not insane.
Ah, OK. (she laughs)
It’s just—
HARRY
LOUISE
HARRY
LOUISE (opening the box) Oh… Thank you.
HARRY
What.
LOUISE
My ears aren’t pierced.
HARRY
Shoot. Aren’t girls born with holes in their ears?
LOUISE
It sometimes skips a generation.
Well, keep ‘em. Fancy thumb tacks.
HARRY
LOUISE
I have been in the market for a pair of swank balloon poppers.
HARRY
This is mortifying. I promise this will be the most serious misstep in our relationship. So you gonna come to Standards tonight?
LOUISE
You gonna play something of your own?
HARRY
(He squints at her.) How do you even know you’d like my stuff?
LOUISE
Are you kidding?
BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH BETTY’S BURGERS
(teasing him with the jingle)
You’re an international treasure.
BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH BETTY’S BURGERS
BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH, BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH…
HARRY
All right.
(HARRY grabs her waist. She scream-laughs as we spin and the bar materializes… )
SCENE 6: SECOND GIG
#4B—”Decent crowd tonight”
(HARRY plays the piano at the bar. PAUL fxes LOUISE a unique drink with great care. SARA leans on the bar, speaks to LOUISE, but keeps her eyes on HARRY.)
SARA
You’re the girl dating Harry, right?
Depends what you’re about to say next.
LOUISE
SARA
I love your dress.
Thank you.
(intercepting) Hello, Sara. Nice to see you.
LOUISE
PAUL
SARA
Vodka straight.
PAUL
(handing LOUISE her drink.) Here ya go, Lou.
LOUISE
(admiring the cocktail) You’re an artist, Paul. Seriously. (re: only one drink) Oh, what about Harry?
PAUL
He’s good for now. Oh hey, would you stealthily slip this under his glass? (He hands LOUISE a coaster.) He always forgets. That piano’s an antique. I won’t stop thinking about it all night.
LOUISE
Paul, I understand you deeply. (LOUISE heads to the piano.)
SARA
(hint of condescension) She’s cute.
Actually she’s quite intelligent.
PAUL
SARA
(hands up) I’m sorry, I didn’t realize a woman couldn’t be both.
PAUL
It’s just that your subtext is always in all caps.
SARA
Ya know, I barely remember dating Harry.
PAUL
Well, it was years ago.
You know that’s not why it’s cloudy.
(setting down her drink) Be nice. It’s on me.
SARA
PAUL
SARA
You always did have a generous pour. (She moves to a table.)
HARRY
(to LOUISE) Ah, I see you’re in cahoots with the coaster police.
LOUISE
Sorry, Paul, covert operations aren’t my forte.
(She starts to head back to the bar.)
HARRY
(into the mic) You can currently catch Louise and her little special funny bits in “Paradise” on Broadway.
LOUISE
What’s happening.
(HARRY hands the band new charts.)
HARRY
(into mic) So we’re gonna sing a tune of my own now actually.
LOUISE
We are?
MAN
I dunno, Paul, feels like pure defiance of Standards’ rules.
HARRY
Sorry, everyone, she bullied me into it.
Objection.
(interest piqued) Overruled. (He nods at HARRY.) Let’s hear it.
HARRY
All right, this one’s about… our home.
(Nervous at frst, HARRY looks at LOUISE. She nods. He begins to play.)
SARA
PAUL
HARRY
SOMETIMES I DREAM ‘BOUT LONDON, I DREAM ‘BOUT AMSTERDAM
SOMETIMES I’M MAKIN’ LOVE TO ROME OR BUSTY BARCELONA, OR PRETTY PARIS OR SOMETIMES IT’S THAT BLONDE: STOCKHOLM BUT—
HARRY
IN THE END IT’S FANTASY, NOT INFIDELITY
YEAH, IN THE END THEY’RE LEFT UNKNOWN
MY WOMAN’S GOT AN EYE ON ME
SHE’LL NEVER SET ME FREE
SHE’S WAITIN’ UP WHEN I COME HOME
LOUISE
HMM…
HMM…
HMM…
HMM…
HARRY / LOUISE
AND I’LL NEVER LEAVE MANHATTAN SHE’S GOT A STRANGE ALLURE THERE’S NO GETTIN’ OFF MANHATTAN UNLESS YOU’RE GETTIN’ OFF ON HER (HARRY gets up and the band takes over. The bar disappears. HARRY and LOUISE walk through a starry night.)
AND SHE WON’T LEAVE HER MAN, SHE WON’T DECEIVE HER MAN IF I KEEP PLEASIN’ MY MANHATTAN, MY MANHATTAN SHE’S GOT ME BY THE FEET, YEAH THAT’S HOW SHE FEELS MY BEAT, YEAH
HARRY
MY EYES WILL WANDER BUT I WILL NEVER CHEAT AND I’LL NEVER LEAVE MANHATTAN ONE THING I KNOW FOR CERTAIN SHE IS A JEALOUS, A JEALOUS WOMAN
SHE IS A JEALOUS WOMAN SHE IS A JEALOUS, A JEALOUS WOMAN I CAN’T LET HER CATCH
ME FLIRTIN’
OH GUH GUH GUH GUH-DUH-LUH-GUH
GUH GAH…
LOUISE
NEVER CHEAT
I’LL NEVER LEAVE MANHATTAN ONE THING I KNOW FOR CERTAIN JEALOUS, JEALOUS OOH…
JEALOUS, JEALOUS CATCH
ME FLIRTIN’ (Now they’re outside LOUISE’s apartment) GUH GUH GUH…
(They kiss. LOUISE takes his hand and leads him into her apartment. She holds his face, looks into his eyes.)
LOUISE
I’LL NEVER LEAVE MY MAN, I’LL NEVER LEAVE MY MAN, I’LL NEVER LEAVE MY MAN
HARRY / LOUISE
I’LL NEVER LEAVE MY MAN, I’LL NEVER LEAVE MY MAN, I’LL NEVER LEAVE MY MAN
HARRY
MY MANHATTAN
HMM MM MM HMM.
(They melt into bed. Lights fade.)
LOUISE
#5A—Manhattan Playoff
SCENE 7: HARRY & LOUISE & CROISSANTS
(Morning light. HARRY and LOUISE stroll, arm in arm. PAUL THE DOG lags behind. HARRY fddles with his tie.)
LOUISE
Are you all right? You’re doing your tie thing.
HARRY
(caught, he smiles and exhales) You really think people liked that tune last night?
LOUISE
I know they did! Hey, have you ever thought about writing songs for a show? I mean, with your dad and everything, you must have, right?
HARRY
No no—that’s not my wheelhouse.
LOUISE
Come on. You’re good, Harry. Maybe your songs could be strung together somehow.
HARRY
Maybe. Come on, Paul!
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) THAT IS ME! pant pant pant
LOUISE
(reacting to the sound of PAUL THE DOG)
Oof. Paul’s concoctions are dangerously delicious. My head is not happy.
HARRY
Don’t worry, coffee is coming.
(He kisses her head. Sound of a shopkeeper’s bell and a cafe takes shape around them. The CAFE GUY, a catty character, is waiting for them to order, unimpressed. He sighs purposefully.)
Hello, may we have one coffee, one…
Latte—
LOUISE
HARRY
One latte—and two croissants please? (pronounces “croissants” in the American way.)
CAFE GUY
(deadpan) Two… croissants? (pronounced correctly, very French.)
HARRY
Uh. Yeah. Sure.
CAFE GUY
(under his breath) Put in a little effort, man. (yelling to the back) Two croissants!
LOUISE
Yikes.
(HARRY and LOUISE step over to the pick-up area. They stand watching the CAFE GUY prepare their order, whispering through teeth.)
My mom had this thing—when people were difficult—“you should treat everyone with the assumption that their grandma died that very morning.” So, you know, be forgiving— they’re struggling.
HARRY
Ah. Generous approach, mom.
(THE CAFE GUY returns with their coffees and croissants.)
LOUISE
(cheery) Thank you so much!
(sincere) Condolences, man.
HARRY
(THE CAFE GUY looks at them blankly as they leave the café. The bell sounds as they exit.)
LOUISE
OK—I need to do laundry and lose this headache before tonight’s show. I gotta go home.
HARRY
Nope, nope.
LOUISE
I do, I do. And you need to write.
HARRY
All right. Here, you and your croissant take a taxi. (He hands her a wad of cash.)
LOUISE
No, Harry.
Oui, Louise.
HARRY
(LOUISE takes the money. She kisses him, blows a kiss to PAUL THE DOG and heads off. HARRY sits down on a bench. He makes sure LOUISE is gone, then takes his fask out and pours whiskey into his coffee.)
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) LOUISE! LOUISE! pant pant pant
(LOUISE runs back on.)
LOUISE
Ugh, sorry—I took the wrong cup. I think you’ve got my latte—this one’s plain coffee. (She starts to reach for HARRY’s cup, but he pulls it away.)
HARRY
Oh—they must have screwed up. This is just coffee too.
LOUISE It is?
HARRY
Yeah. Want me to go back and tell them?
LOUISE
Oh no, it’s fine. I don’t think that guy would be thrilled to see us again so soon.
HARRY
I think you’re right.
OK, goodbye again, gentlemen.
LOUISE
(doing the moves from “Paradise”)
You’re hired.
HARRY
BONNE NUIT, BON CHANCE, BON BON? BONJOUR!
LOUISE
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) GOODBYE!
(LOUISE exits. HARRY drinks his coffee. The line-drawn tree appears. More leaves foat away as we foat into the next scene.)
SCENE 8: PHONE CALLS
(Projection: NOVEMBER. FELIX appears at a mic during the transition. HARRY makes his way to his apartment piano, listening to the message, shaking his head. LOUISE is in her own space studying her “Paradise” script.)
FELIX
(Beep.) Harry. Guessing the cat food opera wasn’t speaking to you because you’re a dog person. Well, you’re in luck. You should have received the materials I sent for the “Piñatas for Dogs” commercial—(reading) “a cutting edge marriage of toy and treat”— apparently. Huge in Japan, on its way here. They want a traditional Mariachi sound—
FELIX / HARRY
But modern—and sexy—
And it cannot sound like Mariachi. Go make magic please. It’s been a while.
(PAUL replaces FELIX at the mic. HARRY plays around with a Mariachi sound at the keys while PAUL talks.)
PAUL
(Beep.) Just your friendly reminder about band practice tomorrow morning. I’m happy you’re playing your own stuff now, really—but you can’t just throw these guys the charts right before your set. You didn’t sound all that tight last week. Oh—and, uh—listen, I’m gonna need another small loan. Sorry, I’ll get you back in the New Year. It’s just the bar tops are gonna be way more than I estimated. And the floor’s coming up again. Hooray. Anyway, let’s discuss tomorrow. Please be on time—not on Harry time.
(HARRY gives up, bangs the piano. Single phone ring as he grabs his mic. LOUISE replaces PAUL.)
HARRY
Please rescue me from Piñatas for Dogs.
LOUISE
What?
HARRY
Exactly. Come over.
FELIX
#5B—”Piñatas for dogs”
LOUISE
I can’t.
HARRY
But I haven’t seen you in three days. That’s three weeks in dog weeks. No one here is happy with this.
LOUISE
I have a big understudy rehearsal tomorrow. We’re running the show. I need to go over everything.
HARRY
(silly sexy) I need to go over everything.
LOUISE
I need to sleep.
HARRY
Sleep here. (HARRY starts vamping at the piano.)
What’s that?
HARRY
Dunno yet. Why don’t you come over and help me figure it out.
LOUISE
You know I want to…
HARRY
Hey, you’ve got me all excited about writing new material, but you’re holding out on the inspiration.
LOUISE
I need to work…
#6—Bottle of Wine
LOUISE
HARRY
It’s been a while since we’ve… done a number. We used to do numbers all the time when we first met. Every night. Sometimes twice. Have you been doing numbers with someone else?
LOUISE
No, Harry. It’s different for a woman. The number really has to fit the mood.
HARRY
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
LOUISE
HARRY
WHY DON’T YOU BRING OVER A BOTTLE OF WINE?
I’VE GOT NOTHING BUT TIME IN MY GLASS TONIGHT LET’S FILL IT RIGHT
WHY DON’T YOU BRING OVER A COUPLE IDEAS
WE’LL THROW ‘EM WITH A COUPLE OF MINE AND WE’LL SEE WHAT THAT’S LIKE WHAT THAT IS
TONIGHT COULD BE WHEN THE CITY FALLS WHEN THE REAPER CALLS WITH HIS WHITE VIOLIN
TONIGHT COULD BE WHEN THE MISSILES FLY WHEN THE TRUMPETS CRY AND THE BATTLES BEGIN AND IF TONIGHT IT GOES DARK IF IT’S THE START— THE START OF THE END OF ALL HISTORY I THINK WE KNOW WHERE YOU OUGHTA BE
Hm.
HMM…
Tempting, Harry, but not tonight. Wow. What? That’s scary, Harry.
HMM…
HMM…
Yeah? What. I see.
LOUISE
LOUISE
So what happens in this number exactly?
HARRY
Well it takes its time to build.
LOUISE
Is that right?
HARRY
Mm-hmm. And there’s a whole lotta focus on you in this number.
LOUISE
Oh—so I’d be doing most of the work?
HARRY
Oh, no, no—it’ll be very easy, your part. You’ll just have a bunch of long, held out… OOHS—
LOUISE
OOH?
HARRY AND AHHS—
LOUISE
AHH?
HARRY AND YEAHS—
LOUISE
YEAH?
OOH, AHH, YEAH
HARRY / LOUISE
HARRY
Now I want you to know that this number modulates
LOUISE
Oh, it modulates? (She’s putting on her shoes and coat.)
HARRY
Yeah, there’s some real modulation. And by the final chorus we’ll really hit a steady rhythm.
LOUISE
A real groove?
HARRY
That’s when it becomes a big group number—
LOUISE
Wait—you can’t just surprise a girl with a group number. That’s a discussion
HARRY
OK. We’ll save that.
LOUISE
And how about the ending?
HARRY
The ending—well, I think it’s gonna be one of my best. But I’ll have to hear it out loud to know if it really works. (Beat.) Should I call you a cab?
LOUISE
I’m already in one.
(HARRY and LOUISE’s mics disappear. LOUISE turns and she has arrived at HARRY’s apartment, bottle of wine in hand. PAUL THE DOG howls with excitement. HARRY and LOUISE kiss and begin to undress each other. It’s goofy and fun. PAUL THE DOG jumps on them. They lovingly push him away.)
HARRY / LOUISE
BRING OVER A BOTTLE OF WINE
HARRY
WHY DON’T YOU BRING OVER A BOTTLE?
LOUISE
WE’VE GOT—
HARRY / LOUISE
NOTHING BUT TIME FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES
LET’S FILL IT RIGHT
(HARRY / LOUISE)
TONIGHT COULD BE WHEN THE CITY FALLS WHEN THE REAPER CALLS WITH HIS WHITE VIOLIN
TONIGHT COULD BE WHEN THE RUSSIANS COME WITH THEIR RUSSIAN DRUMS, AND THE BATTLES BEGIN AND IF TONIGHT’S WHEN THE MISSILES FLY
I THINK YOU AND I—I THINK WE BOTH SHOULD STAY IN AND IF TONIGHT
HARRY
IT GOES DARK
IF IT GOES DARK
LOUISE
HARRY / LOUISE
IF IT’S THE START— THE START OF THE END OF ALL HISTORY THE START OF THE END OF ALL HISTORY I THINK WE KNOW WHERE WE WANNA BE (They are about to fall into bed, but instead HARRY retrieves two wine glasses and uncorks the bottle. He hands a glass to LOUISE. She reaches for it as the lights fade.)
SCENE 9: THE NEXT MORNING
(Sharp morning light. There are several empty wine bottles on the foor. HARRY and LOUISE sleep. PAUL THE DOG licks LOUISE’s face, waking her.)
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) pant pant pant
(LOUISE sits up slowly, nauseated. She holds her stomach—then suddenly snaps to attention.)
LOUISE
Oh god, oh god—I’m late—I’m so late. Harry, Harry—why didn’t you wake me up?!
HARRY
I’m awake, I’m awake. Hi, Paul. What, what’s going on, Louise? Calm down.
LOUISE
Calm down? You said you set the alarm—
HARRY
I did? For what?
LOUISE
Jesus, you don’t remember? Last night you said you set it. I had rehearsal an hour ago. (She looks around the room at all the bottles on the foor, stops to steady herself.)
HARRY
Go then, go now, baby—they’ll understand. / Don’t worry about it.
LOUISE
They’ll understand what?—
What?
HARRY
LOUISE
This is my job. I’m—I gotta go. Ugh—(touching her forehead)
HARRY
Relax, Louise. You’re just upset—
LOUISE
Exactly, I’m upset. I knew I shouldn’t have come over last night. This is serious. This isn’t me.
(LOUISE has gathered all her things and runs out the door.)
HARRY
Louise!
(Trumpet) LOUISE! LOUISE!
PAUL THE DOG
Yeah, yeah, I’ll feed you in a sec, kiddo.
HARRY
(PAUL appears in light. The apartment disappears as the bar materializes.)
PAUL
I sent them home hours ago.
Sent who home?
HARRY
PAUL
The band, Harry. Band practice, remember?—
HARRY
Ah shoot. We’ll reschedule. Bad morning. That’s not why I’m here actually—
PAUL
Obviously not—
Listen, I need a favor.
What favor?
I need you to ask Katrina a favor.
HARRY
PAUL
HARRY
Katrina?
PAUL
HARRY
You know Louise is her understudy. She’s dying to go on. I messed up. I need to make it up to her.
PAUL
Messed up how?
HARRY
It doesn’t matter. Louise just needs to go on.
(HARRY reaches over the bar to grab a cherry, PAUL slaps his hand.)
PAUL
So what do you want me to do?
HARRY
Call Katrina—see if she might, ya know, conveniently catch a cold for one matinee—
PAUL
No. Harry, I haven’t spoken to her in at least a year.
HARRY
You gave her work for years before she made it big, Paul. She owes you—
PAUL
Harry, no.
HARRY
(hands up, retreating) All right, all right. It was just a fun idea. (casually) Oh. (He hands PAUL a folded check from his pocket. Bouncing on the loose foor)
Man, the floors really are a mess.
This is too much.
PAUL
HARRY
Eh, get a few massages. You gotta loosen up.
PAUL
(Beat.) What would I say? To Katrina? It’d be so uncomfortable.
HARRY
(back to eager) You’ll figure it out, Paul. She loves you. Everyone loves you. You’re adorable. (puppy dog face) Please. For Louise.
PAUL
(sighing) Fine. For Louise.
(HARRY plays a triumphant glissando on the piano.)
HARRY
Huzzah!
(“Paradise” begins to materialize.)
SCENE 10: LOUISE GOES ON
(The “Paradise” overture plays. DOTTIE helps LOUISE backstage with her costume. PAUL and HARRY take their seats.)
#6A—Louise goes on
DOTTIE
Lou-Lou, it’s finally happening!
LOUISE It is.
DOTTIE
Your Front Row Fanatic coming?
LOUISE
No—I didn’t tell him. Just wanna get through this first time on my own.
DOTTIE
You ready?
LOUISE
Do I have a choice? (she starts heading onstage)
DOTTIE
(whisper) Psst. Louise! Knock ‘em dead.
PAUL
Ya know, I don’t think I’ve been in a Broadway theatre since Dad stopped conducting.
HARRY
That’s very unhealthy, Paul. You have been looking a little sallow.
(He fdgets with his tie and looks around.)
PAUL
Jesus, Harry. Relax. She’s gonna be great.
HARRY
I know she is. This audience. The chewing and rustling and coughing. And breathing. Everyone is breathing so much.
PAUL
Yeah, you’d think people could refrain from breathing for an hour.
HARRY
Exactly. Intermission will be full of oxygen.
(LOUISE and DOTTIE appear on stage as LILLY and another MAID. LILLY is the ingénue and head maid—her maid costume is a different color and/or more adorned. LILLY and the MAID billow and fold linens together.)
MAID
Be careful, Lilly. You cannot trust him. When he leaves the hotel, he’ll leave you.
(The BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE appears and saunters towards them. LILLY and the MAID turn to him, curtsy and begin to leave.)
BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE
Lilly.
(He grabs her hand and she turns back to him. The other MAID looks back, then moves on with the linens folded over her arm. The BRAZILIAN leans into LILLY’s neck secretively.)
We’ll make a meeting in the pavilion at midnight.
(LILLY looks towards where the other MAID exited, then back at him. He hands her a gift in a box.)
LILLY
The pavilion at midnight.
(He kisses her neck, tips his hat, then moves on. LILLY touches her neck, watches him go, then looks out a window, lost in thought, holding the gift to her chest.)
EVERY NOW AND THEN THE SUN AND MOON HANG IN THE SKY AT THE SAME TIME AND I SUSPEND, LOST BETWEEN THE AFTERNOON AND NIGHT
#7—Suspended
(LILLY)
AM I AN OWL? AM I A LARK? CAUGHT BETWEEN
THE DAYLIGHT AND THE DARK IF YOU LOVE ME, I SHOULD KNOW— TELL ME SO, TELL ME SO IF YOU WANT ME, WILL I GO?
I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW BUT TELL ME SO, BLACK OR WHITE— YES OR NO, DAY OR NIGHT
(LILLY opens the gift. It’s a beautiful golden gown. She admires it.)
HARRY
(whispering in PAUL’s ear) Wow, she’s really good.
PAUL
Yes, Harry—I don’t need you to point that out.
HARRY
The guy next to me keeps unwrapping candy.
PAUL
The guy next to me keeps whispering in my ear. LILLY
LILLY
SPRING WON’T MARCH RIGHT IN—
SHE DALLIES AND SHE DAWDLES LIKE A NERVOUS CHILD
WILL WINTER WIND LINGER IN THE VALLEY? WILL THE DAYS BE MILD? WILL THERE BE SNOWFALL?
WILL THERE BE RAIN?
I HANG BETWEEN THE PLEASURE AND THE PAIN
(LOUISE spots HARRY and PAUL in the audience. She is momentarily thrown.)
(IF) YOU LOVE ME, I SHOULD KNOW— TELL ME SO, TELL ME SO
IF YOU WANT ME, WILL I GO?
I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW
(LILLY)
IF YOU LOVE ME, I SHOULD KNOW— TELL ME SO, TELL ME SO IF YOU WANT ME, I SHOULD KNOW TELL ME SO
DON’T LEAVE ME SUSPENDED TEAR MY HOPE OR MEND IT
EVERY NOW AND THEN THE SUN AND MOON SUSPEND IN THE SAME SKY AND SO DO I…
DARLING, SO DO I
(LILLY sighs and moves on. Applause. HARRY stands, proud. We fast forward to the end of the show. HARRY and PAUL make their way outside.)
PAUL
You think she’ll be hungry?
Oh, I’m sure. You wanna do Thai?
HARRY
PAUL
OK—but not the Thai you like. I like that higher up Thai. The third Thai on the right.
HARRY
Yeah, yeah. Here she comes!
#7A—”Darling, so do I”
SCENE 11: AFTER THE SHOW
(HARRY stands at the stage door with fowers, PAUL beside him. LOUISE comes out with DOTTIE, upset.)
HARRY
Louise! Bravo! Hey, Dottie.
DOTTIE
Hi. (DOTTIE moves on, looking back at LOUISE as she exits.)
LOUISE
What are you doing here?
HARRY Surprise! PAUL Surprise.
LOUISE
What is this?
You were brilliant.
HARRY
PAUL Great job, Louise.
LOUISE
I was terrible. Why are you here? How did you know—
HARRY
Paul pulled a few strings—
PAUL
Well, no—Harry pulled my strings, to pull a string—
LOUISE
What’s going on? (Beat.) Did you do this?
HARRY
(proud) Oh, no, it wasn’t a big deal—forget about it. I just wanted you to go on—
LOUISE
You wanted me to go on? It wasn’t a big deal? For whom wasn’t it a big deal? For you?
HARRY
Yeah—no, I mean it was a gift—because I knew you wanted to go on—
LOUISE
No! No, Harry, I did not want to go on. I don’t understand— (PAUL has been slowly drifting away from the argument.)
HARRY
Katrina—she agreed to do this for you—
LOUISE
Katrina? Why would Katrina—wait—does she think I asked for this?
HARRY
No—I just wanted to do something nice—I’m sorry I didn’t set the alarm—/I just wanted to do something—
LOUISE
So in order to make up for causing me fear and anxiety, you put me in another position full of even more fear and anxiety?!
HARRY
Louise—I thought you’d want to go on.
LOUISE
Some day. Not today, Harry. This wasn’t something for you to control. Look—this isn’t about the stupid alarm. Or this completely misguided attempt at an apology…
HARRY
So… ?
PAUL
(stepping in, defusing, lightly) Hey—Louise. I’m so sorry. This was—I shouldn’t have called Katrina. We did not think this through. We’re complete clowns. I think everyone just got a little excited and we just wanted to see you shine. And you did.
LOUISE
Paul, it’s not you.
#7B—”It’s not you”
(LOUISE knocks on HARRY’s breast pocket three times and exits. HARRY throws the bouquet on the ground and exits the other way. PAUL picks up the fowers and runs after HARRY. The line-drawn tree appears and loses more leaves, leaving it completely bare.)
SCENE 12: PAUL GETS HARRY UP
(HARRY sleeps on his apartment foor, his upper body slumped over his bed. PAUL THE DOG’s red ball comes rolling on and hits HARRY. He doesn’t wake up. PAUL THE DOG walks over to HARRY and nudges him, whimpering.)
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) whimper whimper pant pant pant
HARRY
Hey, Paul. Not now, ok?
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) THIRSTY THIRSTY (He nudges HARRY again.)
HARRY
(A little too sharp, shaking him off) Stop!
(He tosses the red ball away. There’s knocking at the door.)
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) I SMELL PAUL I SMELL PAUL!
(PAUL enters with keys.)
(Trumpet) HEY PAUL! HEY! pant pant pant
PAUL
(to PAUL THE DOG) Hey, Paulie Jr. Hey, boy.
HARRY
How’d you get in.
PAUL
You know you ask me that every time this happens, right? I have a key, Harry.
HARRY
Every time what happens.
PAUL
Every time I need to make sure you’re alive. Come on, get up.
(Trumpet) THIRSTY THIRSTY!
PAUL THE DOG
PAUL
Has he been out today? I think he peed on the floor.
HARRY
May have been me.
(Trumpet) THIRSTY!
PAUL THE DOG
PAUL
(to PAUL THE DOG) I know, we’re gonna take a walk. (to HARRY) Where’s his leash?
HARRY
He’s fine without it.
PAUL
No, Harry. He’s not. (He looks around for the leash, finds it.) OK, let’s go.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) HEY! HEY!
You go. I’m gonna go out.
HARRY
PAUL Out where?
HARRY Out.
PAUL
Could you come with us? I need help hanging the Christmas lights at the bar.
HARRY
All right, all right.
(The apartment disappears. Now HARRY, PAUL and PAUL THE DOG walk outside.)
(Trumpet) I DON’T FEEL GOOD!
What, buddy? Are you hungry?
(Trumpet) I’M THIRSTY!
You wanna split a hotdog?
PAUL THE DOG
PAUL
PAUL THE DOG
HARRY
PAUL
Come on. You’re still feeding him that stuff?
HARRY
He’s a dog, Paul.
PAUL
Exactly. Dog food is a product. Are you out?
HARRY
I was gonna pick some up.
I’ve got food at the bar.
PAUL
HARRY
(to PAUL THE DOG) Paul wants to keep your joy to a minimum.
PAUL
Joy like when you let him get into that box of chocolates and I had to take him to get his stomach pumped? Was that joy, Paul?
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) pant pant pant
HARRY
Ah, so you’re “Bristly Paul” today. Ya know, it’s never been my favorite of your textures.
(They arrive at the bar. PAUL goes to grab dog food from behind the bar. HARRY fddles at the piano.)
PAUL
Comin’ right up, Paul.
So Louise has disappeared.
HARRY
PAUL
Look, I’ve been staying out of it, but how much have you told her? You have a habit of skimming over details—
HARRY
And you have a habit of pointing out everyone else’s habits. You’re like a human red pen.
PAUL
(setting down the food) There ya go, Paul. (He doesn’t eat.) No?
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) NO!
PAUL
Not hungry? I don’t know what ya want, kiddo.
HARRY
He’s fine. (He reaches over the bar.)
PAUL
Would you get your filthy hands out of the cherries?
HARRY
Jeez, how did Michael put up with you?
Did?
PAUL
HARRY
I assumed you guys were over, I haven’t seen him in ages.
PAUL
He’s busy.
(He places a bowl of water down. PAUL THE DOG drinks.)
HARRY
OK.
Oh, you were thirsty, huh?
PAUL
HARRY
Me too. Can I get an old fashioned please?
PAUL
I’m not working at the moment. Here, help me with the lights.
HARRY
Wow.
(HARRY gets up from the piano and goes behind the bar.)
PAUL
What are you doing?
HARRY
I’m making myself a drink cuz the bartender won’t.
PAUL
Don’t, Harry.
Don’t? So, what—this is your bar now?
HARRY
PAUL
If I ever thought you were gonna loom your generosity over my head like this—how often did you stress that it was a gift—that you happened into a jackpot—
HARRY
It was a gift. And you’re right. Anyone coulda written that Betty’s Burger bullshit. A pigeon with a xylophone could’ve done it. I just thought some gratitude in the form of one old fashioned cocktail seemed reasonable.
PAUL
(defusing) Harry, stop. I don’t want to do this whole thing again. You’ve been doing so well and—
HARRY
Yes, Paul, surprise! I’m a happy person. Which for some reason you just can’t seem to get behind. What happened to you? You have seriously changed.
PAUL
Yeah, and you haven’t.
(Beat. HARRY fnishes making his drink and takes a deliberate sip.)
Michael doesn’t like you, Harry. That’s why you haven’t seen him lately.
HARRY
That’s too bad. I’m likeable.
He doesn’t want to be around a drunk.
PAUL
HARRY
(laughing) Well, sorry to disappoint him, but he gives me too much credit. If a person has a drink, he is not a drunk. I also floss every day, but shockingly I am not a dentist.
PAUL
(shaking his head) You’re in a constant argument with reality. I don’t know what you want from me.
HARRY
I want an old fashioned from you. Which doesn’t strike me as an irrational request, considering none of this would even be here without me—
PAUL
You’d never be here without me, Harry.
High drama, Paul.
HARRY
PAUL
How many times have I pulled you back from the edge?
HARRY
How many times did I stick up for you in high school?—
PAUL
You did, Harry. And you know what’s crazy? That’s the excuse I still give myself—every time I have to drag you out of bed or make excuses for you, or when someone’s talking shit about you: “Oh, he stood up for me in high school. We were best friends in high school. I have to help him out.” And you know who stood up for you? Who was there for you? My whole family.
HARRY
(Beat. Stung:) Your family.
(Beat. HARRY goes to refll his drink. PAUL doesn’t know what to do. He just stares at HARRY. The air is very tense.)
PAUL
That’s not what I meant.
Nothing wrong with telling the truth.
HARRY
PAUL
Harry, you know that’s not the truth. I’m sorry. Would you please— (PAUL moves to take the drink out of HARRY’s hand. It falls and shatters on the foor. They both drop to pick up the pieces.)
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) I’M SCARED! (continue improvising over dialogue)
HARRY
I’ve got it, I’ve got it—
No, I’ve got it. Harry—
(Trumpet) WHAT’S HAPPENING?!
PAUL
PAUL THE DOG
(HARRY stands. His hand is bleeding. He starts to head out of the bar.)
HARRY
(to PAUL THE DOG) Come on, Paul. Shh. Come on. Let’s go.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) HARRY! PAUL! HARRY!
PAUL
Harry. I’m sorry. Harry! I’ve got Band-Aids behind the bar. I’ve got—
(HARRY leaves the bar, passing a MAN. PAUL is left on the ground.)
MAN
Hey, man—you got a smoke?
(exploding) SMOKING’S DISGUSTING!
HARRY
(HARRY storms off. PAUL THE DOG runs after him.)
SCENE 13: LOUISE & PAUL & THE SNOW
(It begins to snow. LOUISE walks through the city towards the bar. Spotlight on a SINGER in a blue dress. The MAN enters the bar. PAUL fxes him a drink.)
#8—No Good For Me
SINGER
BA BA—BA BA BA BA HMM…
BA BA—BA BA BA BA HMM… MY BLUE WAS NEVER BLUE ENOUGH, MY TRUTH WAS NEVER TRUE ENOUGH MY RHYTHM WASN’T TIGHT ENOUGH, MY STAR COULD NOT SHINE BRIGHT ENOUGH NO, I WAS NEVER QUITE ENOUGH FOR YOU…
I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU’RE NO GOOD FOR ME, I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU’RE NO GOOD I NEED YOU, BUT YOU DON’T NEED ME
YOU’RE NO GOOD, YOU’RE NO GOOD, YOU’RE NO GOOD, YOU’RE NO GOOD YOU’RE NO GOOD FOR ME
(LOUISE arrives at the bar. Christmas lights twinkle. The MAN takes his drink to a seat as LOUISE approaches the bar.)
LOUISE
Hi.
PAUL
Hi. Harry’s not here. You’re stuck with me.
LOUISE
Happy to be.
Want something to warm you up?
PAUL
LOUISE
God no, that’s the last thing I want. Can I have a Shirley Temple?
You got it.
PAUL
SINGER
OOH…
(LOUISE watches the SINGER with longing.)
LOUISE
Huh. (Beat.) My mother used to play this record all the time.
PAUL
You OK, Lou?
LOUISE
When she died, my dad got immediately remarried to bourbon.
SINGER
OOH…
PAUL
(Beat. He nods.) Sounds like you and Harry have something in common.
LOUISE
How so?
Well, your dad and Harry’s dad.
What do you mean, Harry’s dad?
PAUL
LOUISE
PAUL
Oh. Well, we aren’t brothers by blood. I didn’t know if he—I never / know what he—
LOUISE
Oh—no, he never…
PAUL
He came to live with us when—well, when it got bad. Wasn’t a good scene in that house.
LOUISE
(quietly taking it in) But his dad, the conductor?—
PAUL
My dad, yeah. But Harry shoulda been his kid all along anyway. He used to let us sit in on orchestra rehearsals, and I swear dad always had one eye on the score and the other on Harry.
(HARRY puts on a record in his apartment. “No Good for Me” plays. He sits in a pool of light that moves like liquid, singing to a bottle.)
HARRY / SINGER
I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU’RE NO GOOD FOR ME,
I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU’RE NO GOOD
I NEED YOU, BUT YOU DON’T NEED ME
HARRY
YOU’RE NO GOOD, YOU’RE NO GOOD, YOU’RE NOT GOOD, YOU’RE NO GOOD FOR ME
LOUISE
BA BA BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA BA
I NEED YOU, BUT YOU DON’T NEED ME SINGER
YOU’RE NO GOOD FOR ME
(LOUISE takes a sip of the Shirley Temple PAUL has made for her.)
LOUISE
Oh my gosh. This is not the Shirley Temple of my dinners with grandma.
PAUL
The trick is the homemade grenadine. From real pomegranates. And there’s some orange flower water in there too.
LOUISE
Don’t stop. I could listen to you talk about pomegranates and orange flower water for hours.
PAUL
Michael would say that’s exactly what I do.
LOUISE
I can’t believe I haven’t met him yet.
PAUL
He won’t come here. We’ll have you over. I’ll cook.
LOUISE
I bet you’re a great cook.
PAUL
I used to think about opening a restaurant—upstate. I still occasionally daydream about it. But that’s another life.
LOUISE
Why not this life?
(He shrugs.) This is this life. (Beat.)
PAUL
SINGER / MAN
OOH… OOH… OHH… OOH…
PAUL
The snow looks pretty from here.
LOUISE
I always like the first snow. It warms my heart. All the rest crush it.
PAUL
Oh, I love winter.
LOUISE
Winter is for rich people and children.
SINGER FOR YOU…
PAUL / LOUISE / MAN FOR YOU…
SINGER
YOU ALL KNOW THIS SONG—HELP ME OUT.
ALL
I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU’RE NO GOOD FOR ME
I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU’RE NO GOOD I NEED YOU, BUT YOU DON’T NEED ME YOU’RE NO GOOD, YOU’RE NO GOOD, YOU’RE NO GOOD, YOU’RE NO GOOD YOU’RE NO GOOD FOR ME
HARRY
THOUGHT I WAS NOTHING WITHOUT YOU, BUT NOW IT’S PLAIN TO SEE:
SINGER / PAUL / LOUISE
YOU’RE NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING
HARRY
YOU ARE NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING ALL HMM…
ALL
YOU ARE NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING
HARRY
WITHOUT ME
BA BA BA…
BA BA BA…
WITHOUT ME
BA BA BA…
SINGER
PAUL
HARRY
ALL
(PAUL holds out his hand and LOUISE takes it. They dance. The SINGER and the MAN start dancing too. PAUL THE DOG jumps up and down. PAUL THE DOG’s voice and the music from the TRUMPET PLAYER outside HARRY’s apartment blur together, creating layers of expansive, celestial music. The Christmas lights multiply, becoming a blanket of stars.)
(Wailing Trumpet)
TRUMPET PLAYER
HARRY
(hearing the TRUMPET PLAYER) Bring us home, man.
TRUMPET PLAYER
(Wailing Trumpet)
Bring us hooooooome!
HARRY
(HARRY gathers all the liquor bottles in his apartment into one spot. He stands over them. He makes a decision. He opens a bottle, holds it high in the air and starts pouring the liquor into the sink.
PAUL, LOUISE, the SINGER and the MAN keep dancing. The snow keeps snowing. A yellow moon rises as HARRY empties bottles and PAUL THE DOG howls his strange music to the stars.)
(to the streaming liquid) Nothing.
END OF ACT I
ACT TWO
SCENE 1: THE PART WHERE HARRY STOPS DRINKING
(Projection: DECEMBER. The bar materializes. The PIANO TUNER is working on the piano and the FLORIST is refreshing the vases with pink fowers. PAUL bartends. HARRY enters, easy-breezily—new suit, same tie.)
#9—Grenadine
Two, three, four— DOO DOO DOO DOO…
Heya, Harry.
HARRY
PIANO TUNER
HARRY
(patting his shoulder) Hey, Frank—the pedal’s squeakin’ like a mouse.
PIANO TUNER
Already on the case.
FLORIST
(re: her choice of flowers) Waddya think, Harry?
HARRY
You’ve done it again, Claire. I’ve been thinking pink all day. Hi, Paul.
PAUL
I’m not serving you, Harry.
I’m not drinking, Paul.
HARRY
(LOUISE enters the bar casually, then sees HARRY.)
Hello, Louise.
I just came to say hi to Paul.
LOUISE
HARRY
You look nice.
LOUISE
Thank you. You look like you may have showered.
HARRY
Thank you.
(LOUISE stands at the bar and PAUL fxes her a Shirley Temple.)
WELL I HAD A GOLDEN DAY TODAY IN A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED WAY
I PICKED MY NEW SUIT UP, TAILOR MADE
I WENT TO THE BARBER FOR A CUT AND A SHAVE I’M NOT GONNA LOSE MYSELF TONIGHT, GONNA KEEP THE CLOUDS OUT OF MY HEAD WHEN I MEET THE MORNING LIGHT, I WANNA REMEMBER WHAT I’VE SAID
(Noting what PAUL has made for LOUISE)
I’LL HAVE A SHIRLEY TEMPLE, NOT TOO STRONG WANNA KEEP MY CLOTHES ON, WANNA KEEP MY CLOTHES ON A MARASCHINO, ONLY ONE LET’S NOT GO CRAZY, WANNA KEEP MY CLOTHES ON
(to the FLORIST)
NOW SOME BOYS GOT A SWEET TOOTH— SUGAR, I GOT SWEET TEETH
HARRY / FLORIST
TOP TO BOTTOM, LEFT AND RIGHT SIDE
HARRY
AND EVERY ONE WANTS TO BE SATISFIED— MAKE IT A…
HARRY / FLORIST / PIANO TUNER
SHIRLEY TEMPLE, NOT TOO STRONG
HARRY
WANNA KEEP MY CLOTHES ON, WANNA KEEP MY CLOTHES ON
HARRY / FLORIST / PIANO TUNER
A MARASCHINO, ONLY ONE
HARRY
WANNA KEEP MY CLOTHES ON, I’M FEELING GOOD IN THEM (PAUL unenthusiastically sets a Shirley Temple down on the bar for HARRY. The glass lights up. HARRY takes a sip.)
(to the drink)
OH THERE YOU ARE AGAIN, THERE’S MY GRENADINE
PIANO TUNER / FLORIST THERE’S MY GRENADINE
HARRY
I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE I WAS SEVENTEEN
PIANO TUNER / FLORIST WAS I EVER SEVENTEEN?
HARRY
OH THERE YOU ARE AGAIN, MY OLD RUBY DREAMS
PIANO TUNER / FLORIST ALL MY RUBY DREAMS
HARRY
YOU HAVEN’T CHANGED, NOT AT ALL— HAVE I?
PIANO TUNER / FLORIST HAVE I CHANGED?
HARRY
GRENADINE?
(LOUISE knocks on HARRY’s chest three times, checking for his fask.)
HARRY
Come in!
LOUISE
Just checking to see if you’re wearing your armor.
HARRY
No armor. Vulnerable to attack.
(to LOUISE)
NOW I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’VE BEEN TOLD BUT I’M A MAN WHO SURE CAN HOLD HIS GRENADINE I HOLD HER TIGHTLY
LOUISE
I’M SORRY, KID, YOU’RE JUST A TOY
I’VE SEEN HER BLUSH FOR ALL THE BOYS, GRENADINE AND JUST AS BRIGHTLY
HARRY
(accompanying himself on the piano)
WELL, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR LOVE, I JUST WANT SOMETHIN’ SWEET ENOUGH TO FLIRT WITH A BIT, I’M NOT GONNA STAY TOO LONG
HARRY / PIANO TUNER / FLORIST
(The PIANO TUNER and FLORIST join him around the piano)
I GOT A DOG AT HOME WHO NEEDS A WALK AND WANTS A BONE SO I’LL BE HEADING OUT WHEN MY CHERRY’S GONE (LOUISE can’t help but crack a little smile.)
HARRY
(to LOUISE’s smile)
OH THERE YOU ARE AGAIN
HARRY / PIANO TUNER / FLORIST
OH THERE YA, OH THERE YA, OH THERE YA, OH THERE YA…
HARRY / ALL
OH THERE YOU ARE AGAIN, DARLING GRENADINE
(The space fills with rosy effervescence. Bubbles rise on the walls. PAUL and LOUISE start to catch the contagious spirit.)
ALL
DARLING GRENADINE
HARRY
I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE I WAS SEVENTEEN
ALL
WAS I EVER SEVENTEEN?
HARRY / ALL OH THERE YOU ARE AGAIN, MY OLD RUBY DREAMS
ALL
ALL MY RUBY DREAMS
HARRY
YOU HAVEN’T CHANGED, NOT AT ALL— HAVE I?
ALL
HAVE I CHANGED? DOO DOO DOO…
HARRY
GRENADINE? GRENADINE…
(HARRY stands on a stool, addressing everyone.)
NOW DON’T NOBODY TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK A REAL MAN IS TONIGHT I’M…
HARRY / ALL PINK WITH FIZZ
(HARRY raises his glass. The FLORIST and PIANO TUNER raise theirs. Finally, on the last beat, LOUISE and PAUL raise their glasses. They aren’t entirely won over, but they can’t help it. Lights shift. HARRY helps LOUISE into her coat.)
#9A—”Your biggest fan”
Goodnight, Paul.
Goodnight, brother. Keep it up.
HARRY
PAUL
(They nod to each other in understanding. The bar disappears. HARRY and LOUISE head outside and stand by the bar door.)
HARRY
Louise, I’m sorry I didn’t think through my little understudy scheme. I’m a fool. I’m just your biggest fan and I got excited.
LOUISE
I know you meant well. I just didn’t feel good about my performance.
HARRY
Man, you really don’t know how brilliant you are. You were beautiful up there.
LOUISE
I didn’t feel beautiful. I guess that distinction’s probably not part of a man’s daily experience, huh?
HARRY
What is this whole thing with you—where you can’t see yourself as everyone else sees you? They wouldn’t have hired you to cover the leading lady if they didn’t think you were a leading lady.
LOUISE
(downplaying) I dunno. I was a chubby kid? A little weird, a little lonely. I just wasn’t that girl.
HARRY
Maybe you weren’t, but you are that woman. Whether you like it or not.
LOUISE
(She nods. Beat.) Look—if there’s anything you want to tell me—I mean you don’t have to, but you can.
HARRY
(seriously) Louise. It’s under control.
I just want honesty, Harry.
LOUISE
HARRY
Honestly. Yes, there’ve been little hiccups in the past. But that’s the past. No more hiccups. I promise. OK?
LOUISE
OK.
HARRY
It’s easy. I don’t want to lose you—and so it’s easy. (He nods in the direction of his apartment.) There’s a Labrador who’s been asking about you. Care to join us for a stroll?
LOUISE
Mm, I’m just gonna go home, get some sleep.
HARRY
Oh. OK. Sure. Yeah. I’ve got work to do anyway. I’ve been writing some new tunes.
LOUISE
Yeah? That’s great.
HARRY
Maybe I can play ‘em for you sometime, see what you think.
LOUISE
Yeah. Goodnight.
HARRY
(reaching for his wallet) Uh, here. Take a cab.
LOUISE
No, I’m good. I’m gonna walk. (LOUISE starts walking away.)
OK. Keep warm.
You too.
HARRY
LOUISE
(LOUISE walks away and directly into the next day… )
SCENE 2: DOTTIE IN THE DRESSING ROOM & HARRY AT THE STAGE DOOR
(DOTTIE reads from an emerald bound script that says PARADISE on the cover. LOUISE puts on her shoes and hangs her maid costume on a rack as DOTTIE runs lines with her and fnishes getting into her street clothes.)
DOTTIE
“Say you will come with me. To paradise.”
LOUISE
“I need to think.”
DOTTIE
(putting down the script) Louise, I’m happy to run lines with you till we’re eighty, but you know them.
LOUISE
I know, I just… I still don’t believe myself as Lilly.
DOTTIE
You’ve already been on and you were amazing.
LOUISE
Yeah, I can sing the notes, but I’m faking it. I don’t understand her at all. At the end of the show, why doesn’t she go away with him—with the Brazilian Millionaire?
DOTTIE
Um, cuz it turns out he’s a thief?
No, he was a thief—but he’s changed—
LOUISE
DOTTIE
Come on, people don’t change, not really—
LOUISE
Wow, great outlook—
DOTTIE
He flees the country. He’s sketchy. She knows the type—
LOUISE
But see—that’s not fair. People aren’t types. They can’t be blindly categorized like that—
DOTTIE
Of course they can. How do you think we make a living? And anyway, it’s a hopeless situation—that’s the whole point—
LOUISE
But it’s not hopeless—that’s so defeatist —they clearly love each other. I don’t buy it.
DOTTIE
You don’t have to buy it. You just have to sell it.
LOUISE
Dottie.
DOTTIE
Sorry. (Beat.) You gonna fly your dad out here for the holidays?
LOUISE
Oh—no, he has to run the store, so it’s tough to get away.
DOTTIE
Is he doing any better?
Yeah, I think so. (Beat.) I dunno. No.
Oh. Hi.
LOUISE
(DOTTIE nods, LOUISE turns, lights shift, and we are immediately outside the stage door, where HARRY and PAUL THE DOG are waiting. HARRY has a paper coffee cup and a bag of candy.)
LOUISE
PAUL THE DOG (Trumpet—quiet) pant pant pant
HARRY
Hi. We were in the area. (Beat.) Purposefully. (Beat.) We came to the area.
LOUISE
That’s OK.
HARRY
With candy. (He offers her the bag of candy.)
Oh—no thanks.
LOUISE
HARRY
K. How was the show?
LOUISE
Fine.
HARRY You OK?
LOUISE
(noticing HARRY’s coffee cup) Can I have a sip of that?
HARRY
It’s just black—
That’s OK—
LOUISE
HARRY
And cold and gross by now.
Can I have a sip?
Louise.
LOUISE
HARRY
LOUISE
What.
HARRY
(Beat.) OK.
(He slowly, reluctantly hands her the cup. Tension. She takes a sip. Beat. She falls apart.)
LOUISE
(emotional) It’s cold and gross.
Louise, you have to trust me, OK?
HARRY
LOUISE
I do—I want to—it’s not just you—it’s all of this—
HARRY
All of this what?
LOUISE
Us? Me? This completely self-indulgent career that doesn’t really have any impact on anything—
HARRY
Hey, you’re in your head. It’s a great head, but you gotta get outa there—
LOUISE
I could be doing something else—something that matters
HARRY
Like what?
LOUISE
I could be back home—helping my dad out—plenty of things—I just don’t know if this matters—
HARRY
Don’t say that. It’s what you’re meant to do.
LOUISE
If I never stood on a stage again, the world would keep hurtling forward—
HARRY
The world will hurtle no matter what we do—
LOUISE
Exactly. It just feels so futile—working so hard for a moment where I believe myself? On a stage? And for what? It’s not real, I’m not changing anything, not saving any lives—
HARRY
You don’t know that.
LOUISE
Harry.
HARRY
You love what you do. I know you do. And there’s a kid out there in the audience—every night—who sees how much you love it, and it changes her life. It shapes her. You give her a future. I know cuz I was that kid.
(LOUISE looks at him. He’s surprised himself with emotion, vulnerable in a new way. He has a hard time fnding his words.)
There was no, uh, music—in my home. Growing up. (He looks at her.)
LOUISE
(simple understanding) I know.
HARRY
Paul’s home had the music. With them I was always in theatres. And. And I remember this feeling I would get—sorta inside the back of my neck?—this soft feeling—I don’t know what it was—but it, yeah—it happened when I was in the dark, with the music and all those people onstage doing what they loved.
(Beat. HARRY has been fddling with his tie. LOUISE stops his hands and fxes his collar.)
LOUISE
(quietly) Oh shit, Harry.
Oh shit what?
HARRY
LOUISE
Oh shit, I… I love you.
HARRY
You couldn’t sound happier about it. I love you, Louise.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet—short and quiet [previously notated melody]) I LOVE YOU pant pant pant
LOUISE
Oh god. Paul. I didn’t even say hello. You’ve been awfully quiet, haven’t you?
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet—stronger, same melodic phrase) I LOVE YOU
LOUISE
I know you do.
(She squats down next to him. He licks her face.)
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) pant pant pant
Look, honey, it’s your special tree.
LOUISE
(PAUL THE DOG goes over to his tree. HARRY and LOUISE watch him go. LOUISE turns back to HARRY.)
LOUISE
(Beat. Almost laughing) This all happened really fast, didn’t it?
HARRY
Faster than light, yup it did. I think that’s a good sign, don’t you?
LOUISE
I do, I just think now we can stop and take a breath.
HARRY
Breathing’s a good idea.
(She exhales.) I’m ready for candy now.
LOUISE
(HARRY holds out the candy bag. LOUISE looks inside and carefully considers her options, pushing pieces of candy around.)
No, no, no. (definitely not) No. (yes) OK.
(HARRY watches her, charmed. She takes out a piece of red licorice. HARRY moves towards her, brushes a piece of her hair behind her ear, and leans in to kiss her. She stops him.)
LOUISE
Hey. Remember how we’re breathing?
HARRY
Are breathing and kissing mutually exclusive? I’d say the survival of our species hinges on both.
LOUISE
One thing at a time.
(LOUISE sits on a bench, pets PAUL THE DOG. HARRY sits too, space between them. LOUISE takes a bite of her licorice. HARRY eats a piece of black licorice.)
HARRY
How’s your licorice? (pronounced lico-riss)
LOUISE
(Beat.) My lico-rish is delish.
There’s no “h” in licorice.
HARRY
LOUISE
That’s how we pronounce it on Earth.
HARRY
Well on Jupiter we are not so liberal with our Hs.
(He offers her a piece of black licorice.)
LOUISE
Oh, no no no. Black licorice tastes like conspiracy. It has very suspicious intentions. I don’t trust people who eat black licorice.
#10—Every Moon
HARRY
(a capella)
PEOPLE WHO DON’T APPRECIATE BLACK LICORICE LIVE IN A SMALL AND SIMPLE BUBBLE
LOUISE
PEOPLE WHO EAT BLACK LICORICE ARE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE
HARRY
PEOPLE WHO DON’T APPRECIATE BLACK LICORICE ARE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY
LOUISE
PEOPLE WHO EAT BLACK LICORICE ARE ATTRACTED TO MISERY
HARRY
It requires a maturity of the taste buds.
PEOPLE WHO DON’T APPRECIATE BLACK LICORICE JUST HAVEN’T GROWN UP YET
LOUISE
LUCKY ME, LUCKY ME –THEN I WILL NEVER GROW OLD YOU’LL GO GREY AND GET DEAD AND I’LL STILL BE YOUNG AND ADORABLE, CHEWIN’ ON MY RED
(Suddenly the moon appears—low, huge and brilliant. LOUISE gasps.)
LOOK: THE MOON!
(HARRY, LOUISE and PAUL THE DOG stand still, gazing at the moon.)
HARRY
OH I WISH EVERY MOON WERE THE KIND OF MOON THAT MADE YOU STOP AND GASP, “LOOK: THE MOON!”
LOUISE
BUT IF EVERY MOON WERE THAT KIND OF MOON YOU’D NEVER STOP AND GASP AT ALL NOTHING CAN BE BIG IF NOTHING’S EVER SMALL
(The TRUMPET PLAYER plays. PAUL THE DOG walks over to the TRUMPET PLAYER, magnetized.)
HARRY
AND I WISH EVERY KISS WERE THE KIND OF KISS— THE KIND THAT MAKES YOUR LIPS CRY, “THIS IS IT!” (He moves towards LOUISE.)
LOUISE
BUT IF EVERY KISS WERE THAT KIND OF KISS
HARRY / LOUISE
IF EVERY KISS WERE THAT KIND OF KISS IF EVERY KISS WERE THAT KIND OF KISS
HARRY
Don’t say it…
LOUISE
YOU’D NEVER STOP TO KISS AT ALL, AT ALL
HARRY
I can’t believe that’s true.
LOUISE
NOTHING CAN BE BIG IF NOTHING’S EVER SMALL
HARRY
NOTHING? SOME THINGS?
LOUISE
NOTHING CAN BE BIG—
HARRY / LOUISE
IF NOTHING’S EVER SMALL
NOTHING CAN BE BIG IF NOTHING’S EVER SMALL
(They are very close, but LOUISE creates some distance. She puts her hand to her lips, then touches her hand to HARRY’s heart.)
HARRY
SO I DON’T DESERVE A REAL KISS?
LOUISE
NOT WHEN YOU TASTE LIKE… BLACK LICO-RISS
(LOUISE walks away. HARRY sighs, shaking his fst at the moon. Just as LOUISE is about to disappear, she runs back and kisses him, full and strong. They embrace. She walks away again, leaving HARRY full of joy.)
#10A—”A real kiss”
SCENE 3: HARRY & PAUL THE DOG HAVE CROISSANTS
(HARRY and PAUL THE DOG walk into the cafe. HARRY makes a face when he sees who’s working.)
HARRY
(to PAUL THE DOG) Oh no. This guy. (To himself) His grandma just died, his grandma just died—
CAFE GUY
What?
HARRY
What? Nothing. Hello. May I have a… croissant? (pronounced correctly, very French.)
CAFE GUY
(laughing condescendingly) Take it easy, man—we aren’t in France.
HARRY
(to PAUL THE DOG) First I’m ignorant, now I’m arrogant. Can’t win.
CAFE GUY
(putting them in a bag—American pronunciation) Two croissants.
HARRY
Oh no, just one.
(patronizing) Ah. Condolences, man.
CAFE GUY
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) I SMELL FOOD! pant pant pant
HARRY
OK, kiddo. Make that two.
(HARRY sits on a bench and eats his croissant, placing the bag on the ground. PAUL THE DOG buries his head in the bag.)
This is a one-time thing, so enjoy it. And don’t tell Paul.
(A single phone ring and a microphone slides on to HARRY. LOUISE appears at another mic in her dressing room. She’s in her maid costume holding a feather duster.)
Hi!
(HARRY)
LOUISE
(quiet, rushed) Hi. I’m in the middle of a show—
HARRY
On the phone? That’s gotta be distracting for the audience.
LOUISE
I’m not on stage at the moment. / You know that. I only have a minute, but listen—I want you to meet this guy Karl. He’s a producer on “Paradise.” I really think he’d like your style.
I know that.
HARRY
Man you’re really trying to earn your ten percent aren’t you?
LOUISE
Harry, you gotta take some of your own advice. You’re great at pep talks, but now you need to get pepped. Nothing’s ever going to happen unless you start giving yourself some credit. I want you to play him some of your songs. We can do it together.
HARRY
But they don’t add up to anything yet. There’s no show to pitch.
LOUISE
That’s exactly where he could help. He swung by the dressing rooms today, I mentioned you, talked you up, and he was interested. So this afternoon, between shows—
HARRY
Today?!
LOUISE
He said he’d stick around. You can use the piano in the pit.
HARRY
Louise! You set this up without talking to me first?—
HARRY
LOUISE
You’re gonna talk to me about surprise set-ups?
HARRY
I mean I don’t have—
LOUISE
You do. You do have. Relax, Harry. He’s a nice guy. We’ll just sing him your best stuff. OK?
HARRY
OK. OK.
LOUISE
Everyone is scared, Harry. All the time. Of everything. The people who get ahead are just the ones who are better at pretending they’re not.
DOTTIE
Lou-Lou!
LOUISE
I gotta go. You promise you’ll be here?
Yes, I do. I promise.
HARRY
(LOUISE rushes on stage, joining the DOTTIE as the MAID, just making her entrance.)
LOUISE / DOTTIE
FLUFF THE PILLOWS, MAKE THE BED ROOM TWO-O-TWO, I THINK HE’S DEAD! (They dance off.)
SCENE 4: HARRY WALKS INTO A BAR
(HARRY walks PAUL THE DOG, talking to him. The city moves around them. HARRY anxiously plays with his tie.)
HARRY
Neckties—they’re really just about the most useless thing, huh? And I have such a collection. Silly. Uh-oh. Bichon Frisé sighting at 9 o’clock. Pay no mind to her, Paul. You excited to see Louise today?
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) LOUISE pant pant pant
HARRY
Me too, me too. We’ll take ya to the park after this, uh, this fancy meeting.
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet) I FEEL TIRED
HARRY
Yeah, I feel the same way about it… Paul, can I ask you something? And I’m gonna need the truth, all right? (really asking) Am I… am I any good?
PAUL THE DOG
(he stops walking, plops down.)
(Trumpet) a small sigh
Huh. Evasive.
HARRY
(A neon bar sign descends. HARRY freezes, then starts tying PAUL THE DOG’s leash to a pole.)
OK, bud—I’m just gonna tie you up here for a minute. Take it easy. I’ll be right back.
(He starts walking slowly to the bar, shaking. This should feel like it’s happening under water. We hear HARRY’s heart beating. The heartbeat grows in volume and speed as HARRY approaches the bar, then cuts out.)
BARTENDER
Hiya chief. What can I getcha?
HARRY
Uh… Can I—can I get… (Beat. Tension.) Can I just get a cup of water for my dog?
BARTENDER
Sure thing. I’ve got a bowl back here somewhere. Hot out there today, huh? Snow everywhere, but feels like summer.
HARRY
Yeah, yeah it is. He’s thirsty. Thank you. Thank you.
(HARRY stops, his chest rises and falls. He takes two deep breaths in and out. The breaths reverberate and fll the theatre. He heads back to PAUL THE DOG—he’s on his side, panting heavily. HARRY drops the water bowl.)
HARRY
Paul?
(Aggressive lighting shift and a single phone ring. LOUISE and HARRY rush to microphones.)
LOUISE
Harry?! Where are you? Why haven’t you been answering your phone? / Are you—
HARRY
It’s Paul.
LOUISE
What do you mean.
Something’s wrong with Paul.
HARRY
LOUISE
(very concerned) What? Which Paul, Harry?
HARRY
My Paul.
SCENE 5: AT HOME WITH PAUL THE DOG
(Immediate transition to HARRY’s apartment. PAUL THE DOG lies on the ground, tired. PAUL rushes in.)
PAUL
What’s happening.
He’s sick.
How sick.
LOUISE
PAUL
HARRY
I had no idea. I hadn’t noticed anything.
PAUL
(to PAUL THE DOG) Hi Paulie, Jr. What’s going on, sweetheart?
HARRY
I don’t know what to do.
PAUL
Well, let’s go to the vet—
We’ve already been.
Oh. OK. Well did he get medicine, or—
LOUISE
PAUL
LOUISE
It’s not like that. It’s too far along.
He has—he’s full of…
HARRY
LOUISE
Harry has to make a decision.
(Beat.) No.
It happened so fast. He seemed fine—
PAUL
HARRY
PAUL
But he must have shown signs—you don’t just go from fine to this—
LOUISE
Well actually the vet was saying dogs hide their pain. They want you to think everything’s fine. It’s instinctual—
PAUL
Sure, but if you really know your dog. I mean, if you’re really paying attention—
LOUISE
Paul, there’s no point in—we can only deal with that’s happening now.
HARRY
(moving to the door) I need a… I can’t stop shaking. I’m sorry, but I need a—
PAUL
No, Harry. Relax. Remember last time/—you push through this part—
HARRY
It’s in my blood— / It’s in my—
It’s in your head—/please Harry, don’t—
LOUISE
HARRY
Just one, to calm down—You guys / watch Paul please—
PAUL
Harry, / stop. You gotta breathe, Harry. Breathe.
HARRY
Just stay with him. I just need to calm down. / I’ll be right back.
LOUISE
You don’t need it, Harry. / Not now—
HARRY
Louise, you don’t know how this goes. Paul, please. / Tell her—
LOUISE
(holding his shoulders) I do know, Harry. I do know how this goes. (Beat. PAUL nods.) We’re doing this together, OK? We can do it. We can do it for Paul.
PAUL THE DOG
(Quiet Trumpet) Oh
(Everyone looks at PAUL THE DOG. Beat.)
PAUL
So what are the options.
HARRY
It’s either now or later. And if it’s later he’s gonna hurt. I don’t want him to hurt.
(LOUISE and PAUL look at each other. HARRY distances himself.)
This should be his decision. Not mine. I wish he could say something.
#11—Say Something Paul
(gently)
SAY SOMETHING, PAUL
PAUL, SAY SOMETHING
PAUL, SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, PAUL
PAUL / LOUISE
SAY SOMETHING, PAUL
PAUL, SAY SOMETHING
PAUL, SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, PAUL BALL, PAUL? BALL?
PAUL
PAUL
SAY SOMETHING, KID KID, SAY SOMETHING PAUL, SAY ANYTHING AT ALL PAUL—SOMETHING SMALL PAUL
LOUISE
SAY SOMETHING, KID KID, SAY SOMETHING, SOMETHING SMALL— PAUL, SAY ANYTHING AT ALL PAUL BALL, PAUL? BALL, PAUL?
HARRY
SAY SOMETHING, KID SAY SOMETHING SMALL PAUL
SAY SOMETHING, KIDDO SAY SOMETHING, KID
(PAUL THE DOG lifts his head and looks at HARRY. HARRY steps back. Something is silently communicated.)
(Trumpet—just air) [a small sigh]
LOUISE
OH, I THINK HE JUST DID I THINK HE DID (HARRY walks out his door. LOUISE and PAUL watch him go. As we transition, we hear the sound of a heartbeat slowing down.)
PAUL THE DOG
SCENE 6: HARRY, LOUISE, PAUL & PAUL
(An electric sound and cold fuorescent light. LOUISE, PAUL, and PAUL THE DOG wait at the vet. PAUL holds the leash. Silence.)
LOUISE
Do you want a… coffee or—
No. (Beat.) Thank you.
PAUL
LOUISE
(Beat.) Should I go—should I go look for him?
PAUL
I dunno. No. (Beat.) Don’t you have to get to your show?
LOUISE
I called out.
(HARRY enters. He has a bottle in a brown paper bag. LOUISE moves to him, PAUL stays where he is. PAUL THE DOG looks at HARRY.)
HARRY
It’s like he knows.
LOUISE
He doesn’t know.
He should know.
HARRY
VET
(entering) Harry… you and Paul ready?
HARRY
Of course he’s not ready, what kind of question is that?
LOUISE
Harry. Sorry, I’m so sorry—he didn’t mean—
(To PAUL re: HARRY) Is he—
Yes, he is.
We should wait to do this when—
VET
PAUL
VET
PAUL
That’s just how it’s gonna be. Whenever you do it. / I’m sorry.
LOUISE
He’s OK, he’s just upset. It’s not a problem. (quietly to HARRY) Harry, you don’t need to go in if /you don’t want to—
PAUL
What? Of course he’s going in—
LOUISE
Not if he doesn’t want to. I can go, I can do it—
HARRY
She’s right—I shouldn’t—I don’t want to go in. You go. You and Louise.
PAUL
Harry. Look at me. I need to make sure you actually know / what you’re saying.
HARRY
You go. Please. I can’t. I’ll wait.
(Beat.) OK.
PAUL
(HARRY leans down and whispers something into PAUL THE DOG’s ear. It’s only for them to know. HARRY stands up and nods. The VET, PAUL, LOUISE, and PAUL THE DOG move slowly to the exam room.
HARRY is left alone. He stands in silence for an uncomfortably long time. Finally, in the distance we hear the trumpet.)
PAUL THE DOG
(Trumpet—melodic as notated)
I LOVE YOU
(HARRY turns his head to the sound. The melody echoes and multiplies, otherworldly— surging and sweeping though the space. HARRY loses his breath and the sky opens. Sound of rain.)
#11A—”Paul”
SCENE 7: PAUL & LOUISE WALK AWAY
(Misty drizzle. A siren wails. Car horns. Nighttime city sounds. A stark alleyway. HARRY sits on the ground, leaning against a streetlamp, obliterated. PAUL and LOUISE enter. PAUL holds PAUL THE DOG’S leash. LOUISE approaches HARRY and kneels down. PAUL keeps his distance, deeply upset.)
LOUISE
It’s OK. It’s OK, baby. Let’s go get some food in your stomach, all right?
(She takes HARRY’s arm.)
Louise, don’t.
What?
You don’t have to take this on.
(head down, slurred) Paul, don’t start.
PAUL
LOUISE
PAUL
HARRY
LOUISE
Let’s not get into anything tonight, OK? We all just need some food and some sleep—
PAUL
So we should just keep protecting people from the consequences of their actions. / I see.
LOUISE
He’s never been like this—
PAUL
Of course he has. You just haven’t seen it.
HARRY
This is not—this was just—if circumstances were different.
PAUL
Circumstances? Oh—sorry, my mistake. That looked like a bottle of whiskey to me, not a circumstance. I didn’t realize / it was a circumstance.
LOUISE
Paul, not now. This was an incredibly hard day for him—
PAUL
For him? What about us, Louise? I loved Paul. I loved him so much. And I was there for him / a hell of a lot more than he ever was—
HARRY
He was my dog, mine. You don’t get to decide how I take care / of my dog—
PAUL
You’ve never known how to take care of anything—you’re just impetuous and manipulative —
LOUISE
Paul, why are you being so cruel?
PAUL
(losing it) Cruel? He chose a liter of liquid over you, over me, over his best friend— / A liter of liquid.
LOUISE
You know it’s not that simple. I don’t claim to know anything about the science of what’s a choice and what’s not a choice / but I know it’s not that simple—
PAUL
Louise, look—I have been you before, OK? I have tried all the coddling, the babying—
LOUISE
No, actually you haven’t been me. / And I don’t coddle.
PAUL
You’ve known him for what, four months? I’ve known him twenty years. You can’t help him, Louise.
LOUISE
No, Paul, you can’t help him. He and I have a very different relationship.
PAUL
Look, you couldn’t save your dad and you can’t save Harry, OK?
LOUISE
What?
PAUL
I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be mean, that’s just not how this works.
LOUISE
How does it work then, Paul? You’ve been filling his glass for I don’t know how many years—is that how it works?
PAUL
Seriously?
HARRY
(finally looking up) He fills my glass because I pay his bills.
PAUL
That’s bullshit.
LOUISE
What is? That he gives you all the money you need? That’s just true, isn’t it?
PAUL
What the hell is this.
(PAUL storms off.)
HARRY
Give me the leash! Give me his goddamn leash!
(HARRY tries to get up to go after PAUL, but he trips, drunkenly.)
HARRY Shit, shit.
LOUISE
Don’t worry / it’s OK—we’ll get—
You can go, Louise—
HARRY
LOUISE
All right, let’s just get you to bed, huh? We’re gonna get soaked out here—
HARRY
Louise, go. I know you hate me. / Just go.
LOUISE
I don’t hate you. I love you. I hate the situation—but we’re / gonna figure this out—
HARRY
I am the situation, Louise—
LOUISE
OK, enough. We need to sober you up— (she reaches for him)
HARRY
(an incredibly sharp eruption) Would you get your hands off me?!
LOUISE
(thrown, stepping back) What.
Why are your hands always all over me?
HARRY
LOUISE
Because you’re a mess, Harry—I’m trying to help—
HARRY
I don’t need your help—I don’t need you to be a mother. Rescue me, fix me so you can, so you can take your mind of your own insanely low self-worth—
LOUISE
My self-worth is just fine, thanks— / You don’t even know what you’re saying—
HARRY
Ha! I’ve never known someone who needs such constant validation. You care what every speck of dust thinks of you—
LOUISE
And you don’t? Your whole life is a performance. You’re afraid of / anything real.
HARRY
No, Louise, I don’t give two shits what people think of me—
LOUISE
Well that makes sense, yeah. Maybe that’s why you’ve just been coasting along, headed nowhere. Maybe that’s why you started lying to me on our first date. And maybe that’s why you didn’t bother to show up for the one soul in your life, the one soul that loved you no matter what. You couldn’t even show up for him. I’m done with this, Harry. I’m done.
HARRY
(suddenly a child) Why didn’t you make me go in?
(Beat. LOUISE falters. Her phone rings once. Sudden silence. A rolling mic comes fying on. She grabs it.)
Hello? (Beat.) What? (Beat.) Tonight?
(She looks at HARRY. Beat.)
#11B—”Kock ‘em dead”
SCENE 8: LOUISE AS LILLY
(Aggressive light shift. LOUISE throws off her winter coat and she is instantly backstage with DOTTIE, who helps her into her fnal LILLY costume—the beautiful golden gown we’ve seen before.)
DOTTIE
Is Harry here?
LOUISE No.
DOTTIE
(sensing LOUISE’s tension) What’s goin’ on?
(HARRY appears at a “phone” mic in a pool of light on the opposite side of the stage.)
HARRY
Louise.
LOUISE
Turns out he’s an addict. So.
DOTTIE
Oh god, Lou-Lou. I’m sorry.
Louise, I’m so sorry.
Why didn’t you tell me?
I had no idea.
HARRY
DOTTIE
LOUISE
HARRY
This isn’t me. You know that.
LOUISE
That’s not true. I knew the whole damn time.
DOTTIE
Well, we all lie to ourselves when we want something. It’s just good you got out.
LOUISE
No, I’m not out—I’m just—we just need some time.
DOTTIE
I’d try to let go, Lou-Lou.
I hate this guy. Please, Louise.
HARRY
LOUISE
What, I’m just supposed to walk away from someone who clearly needs me?
DOTTIE
You’re not what he needs.
(HARRY’s light fades and he disappears.)
LOUISE
He’s not what you’re imagining—you don’t know him—
DOTTIE
I just don’t wanna see you get hurt over another lost cause.
LOUISE
He is not a lost cause. I’m so tired of lost causes.
DOTTIE
Hey—he’s not your job. You’ve got a job. (LOUISE looks at her. DOTTIE hands her a prop suitcase. Serious:) Knock ‘em dead.
#12—Paradise
(The blinding stage lights of “Paradise” hit LOUISE in the wings. She takes a deep breath and becomes LILLY—entering with the suitcase.
LOUISE’s performance is more authentic than the frst time she went on. The BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE fastens a sparkling necklace around LILLY’s neck.)
BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE
Say you will come with me. To paradise.
LILLY
I… I need to think.
BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE
You need to say yes, that is all.
(He leans into her neck. She frees herself and turns away.)
LILLY
BUT I DON’T THINK I’D FIT WELL IN PARADISE NO I DON’T THINK I’D FIT ALL THAT WELL IN PARADISE THOUGH SIPPING DRINKS ON ICE DOES SOUND VERY NICE THE SHORE BECOMES A BORE FOR ANY MORE THAN ONE DAY I’D SAIL AWAY, I’D SAIL AWAY
BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE
Don’t be silly. You will have everything you ever wanted.
LILLY CLOUDS COME AND CLOUDS GO, HOW COULD YOU EVER KNOW WHAT IS HAPPINESS AND WHAT IS MERELY BRIGHT?
(She touches the necklace, looks up at a hazy memory of sunshine.) WHAT IS HAPPINESS AND WHAT IS JUST THE LIGHT?
(Lost in the memory, she turns, hiding her tears. The BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE tries to hold her, but she moves away.)
CAN YOU TELL BY NOW I’VE BEEN TO PARADISE? IT WAS LONG AGO, BUT STILL I KNOW PARADISE AND THOUGH THE WAVES WERE WARM, MY HEART WAS IN A STORM FOR I GAVE IT TO A SOMEONE WHO THEN LED ME ASTRAY AND SAILED AWAY, HE SAILED AWAY
BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE
Lilly, I am not that man. I need you. I am lost without you.
LILLY
We are all lost.
(Torn, she picks up her suitcase and begins to move towards him, then once again retreats.)
BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE
I love you.
I know. I’m sorry. No.
LILLY
BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE
The train leaves in twenty minutes.
Then you’d better run.
Lilly…
(an order) You’d better run.
LILLY
BRAZILIAN MILLIONAIRE
LILLY
(She removes the necklace and hands it to him. She puts her other hand to her lips, then touches it to his heart. He exits, brokenhearted. She walks downstage with a new conviction—for the frst time: true star power.)
IN THE SWEATY SLINKING OF THE SKIN, THE PALMS AND THE SAND I WAS LED TO THINKING LOVE WAS IN THE PALM OF MY HAND, IN PARADISE
I FELL THERE ONCE, I WON’T FALL TWICE
(Huge applause and bravos from the audience. The dramatic stage lights go out and for just a split second we see LOUISE after the curtain has fallen—astonished at herself. She covers her mouth, almost laughing. The production melts away.)
SCENE 9: NEW YEAR’S EVE
(Morning. HARRY is passed out in bed. Empty liquor bottles on the bed and foor. FELIX appears at a mic.)
FELIX
(Beep.) Hello Harry. It’s Felix. As usual, I’ve been assuming you either can’t get out of love or can’t get out of bed. But we need to talk. Give me a call when it’s convenient for you. I know how you prefer things when they are convenient for you
(FELIX disappears as PAUL enters, keys in hand.)
PAUL
Get up.
How’d you get in.
Come on, get up. It’s New Year’s Eve.
HARRY
PAUL
HARRY
Who decided to put New Year’s in the middle of winter anyway? It doesn’t make any sense. “Happy New Year! Everything’s dead!”
PAUL
You do realize that it’s not winter everywhere right now? In some parts of the world it’s summer.
HARRY
I don’t know if that’s true.
PAUL
The world doesn’t revolve around New York City.
HARRY
That’s certainly not true.
(PAUL sits down on the foor, hugging his knees.)
PAUL
Nothing from Louise?
HARRY
(He shakes his head.) My agent dropped me.
PAUL
Hm. Maybe it was time. I’m selling the bar.
HARRY
What.
PAUL
Don’t worry, I’ll pay you back in installments. It’ll take a while, but—
HARRY
Come on, I don’t care about the money. The bar is what you always wanted.
PAUL
I’m tired, Harry. Michael and I have been talking about opening a restaurant—outside of the city. We—we’re planning on moving out of here soon.
HARRY
You never told me that.
PAUL
Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. And I want to stop just thinking about it.
HARRY
Look, I know you’re angry with me—
PAUL
This isn’t about you. If it were about you, I’d stay. If it were about you, I’d keep trying. This is about me.
HARRY
Oh. (Beat.) OK. (Beat.) Remember when your dad would sneak us into the orchestra pits?
PAUL
You have to ask me if I remember that?
HARRY
The way you’re sitting right now—it reminded me. How we’d squish in, curled up like that.
(HARRY rolls PAUL THE DOG’s red ball to PAUL.)
PAUL
Yeah. It was so gross when the brass players would empty their spit valves. (PAUL rolls the ball back to HARRY. They continue like this.)
HARRY
I forgot about that.
You said we should bring umbrellas.
Why’d you stop coming?
PAUL
HARRY
PAUL
You know I never fell in love with it the way you did. And, come on, you were the one who showed real promise—the one dad was watching.
HARRY
Are you kidding? I was an imposter. How many shirts and ties did I borrow from you?
PAUL
Lotta shirts and ties.
HARRY
(Beat.) You really think it was you who fell into the pit that time?
PAUL
That’s how I remember it, but it was twenty years ago. At this point you’ve almost got me convinced I have it wrong.
HARRY
Ya know, when I try to picture it now I can see it happening both ways—me falling, me watching you fall. They both seem true. Isn’t that crazy.
PAUL
Yeah. (Beat.) Harry… do you remember what he was like at the end? Your dad? (HARRY just looks at him.) Of course. (kindly) I just don’t understand how after seeing that, how you wouldn’t take every step you could away from it.
HARRY
Well, people inherit different things, don’t they. Lucky you, you got your mom’s pretty eyelashes. So you got it easy.
(PAUL laughs ruefully. HARRY moves to a bottle. PAUL stands up.)
PAUL
You know how you always joke, “Everybody knew about Paul before Paul knew about himself.” And everyone laughs. I laugh too. I just go along with that story. But that’s not the story. I knew who I was. And every day I tried to hide myself. But when I went to bed at night, there I was again. And when I finally told you— the first person I had the courage to tell—you laughed and said, “Of course you are!” Like it was nothing. And I knew you thought that was kindness. But it didn’t feel kind. I think I hated myself more than ever in that moment. Knowing that everyone had already seen me. (Beat.) Everyone sees you, Harry.
(PAUL takes PAUL THE DOG’s leash out of his coat pocket and hands it to HARRY.)
Here. (He heads towards the door.)
I can’t believe I wasn’t there.
You whispered something in his ear.
I did? What?
HARRY
PAUL
HARRY
PAUL
I don’t know. The right thing. Happy New Year, Harry.
HARRY
Ah, yes. At midnight everyone gets to become the person they’ve always wanted to be. We all get the chance to start over—because of the entirely arbitrary position of the planet.
PAUL
(Beat. Simply:) Well, yeah.
(PAUL looks at HARRY, then tosses him his copy of the apartment keys. HARRY catches them and PAUL leaves. MICHAEL is waiting for him outside. PAUL approaches MICHAEL and nods. MICHAEL kisses him on the forehead and they leave.
HARRY sits at his piano with a bottle of champagne, sardonically plunking out the Betty’s Burgers theme over and over.)
#13—New Year’s Eve
HARRY
BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH BETTY’S BURGERS… BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH BETTY’S…
(The theme blossoms into his accompaniment.)
CAN WE SKIP THE FIREWORKS? CAN WE SKIP THE BOOM AND BLUR?
I DON’T TRUST FIREWORKS THEY SHOW ME THINGS THAT NEVER WERE I NEVER WISHED ON A SHOOTING STAR OR CAUGHT LIGHTNING BUGS IN A MASON JAR BUT THOSE LIGHTS SEEM TO SAY, “MAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE”
CAN WE SKIP THE FIREWORKS?
CAN WE SKIP “REMEMBER WHEN?” THEY PRINT MY EYELIDS WHEN THEY BURST WHEN I TRY TO SLEEP, THERE THEY ARE AGAIN AND ALL THE SMOKE THAT THEY LEAVE BEHIND PLAYS A BITTER JOKE, DRAWS A BLURRY LINE BETWEEN THE TRUTH OF HOW I’VE SPENT MY TIME AND HOW I COULD HAVE
CAN WE SKIP NEW YEAR’S EVE?
OH, CAN WE SKIP ALL THE HAZE AND THE CHEER? ALL I EVER DO ON NEW YEAR’S EVE IS WONDER WHERE I WAS LAST YEAR I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW THE WORLD BEGAN I STILL DON’T KNOW MY PLACE IN THE COSMIC PLAN AND WILL ANYONE KISS ME, WILL ANYONE MISS ME WHEN THE COUNT GOES DOWN?
(LOUISE stands on a rooftop. DOTTIE approaches LOUISE with champagne. In another space, PAUL and MICHAEL silently stare out at the city from a fre escape, curled into each other.)
DOTTIE
Still high from your victory last night?
(she laughs, then honestly:) Yeah.
LOUISE
DOTTIE
Good. (Beat. She looks at her.) Hey—he’ll be all right.
LOUISE
(She nods. Beat.) Man, Dottie—we had such chemistry.
DOTTIE
Chemistry made the atom bomb. Avoid chemistry. Go find someone decent who remembers to fill the ice tray. C’mere, you star.
(LOUISE leans her head on DOTTIE’S shoulder.)
LOUISE
(to herself) I wish my mom could’ve seen me.
(DOTTIE looks at her and kisses her head.)
HARRY
IS THAT ME ON A TIRE SWING MAKING A TELEPHONE OUT OF CANS AND STRING?
NO, THE LIGHTS, THOSE SENTIMENTAL LIGHTS HAVE ME INVENTING THINGS
ALL
Ten… Nine…
Eight… Seven…
Six… five
Four, three, two, one
(Boom. The freworks begin. All eyes look up, faces refecting the colorful lights. HARRY hears the freworks but resists looking.)
HARRY
FUCK YOU, FIREWORKS
FUCK ALL THE BOOMS AND BLURS FUCK ALL THE USED TO BE’S FUCK ALL THE NEVER WERE’S
JUST POUR ME MORE OF THAT STARRY WINE NOW THEY’RE STARTING TO SING AULD LANG SYNE WHY DOES THE SADDEST TUNE YOU’LL EVER HEAR RING IN THE NEW YEAR?
ALL
HMM . . .
(Everyone hums Auld Lang Syne. Suddenly something shifts in HARRY and he rushes outside into the freezing night. He looks up. His face is illuminated in red, green, purple. He raises his middle fnger to the sky, then lowers it.)
HARRY
HERE THEY ARE NOW, IT’S TOO LATE AND HERE COME THE ONES I PARTICULARLY HATE: THOSE GORGEOUS GOLD ONES THAT HANG LIKE WEEPING WILLOWS
(A quiet ficker of hope and wonder is revealed on HARRY’s face. For a second, he’s a child. Bright gold constellations fll the space then disappear with a far off crackle and sizzle.)
SCENE 10: TIME PASSING SEQUENCE
13A—”Three Years”
HARRY moves slowly to his piano. He retrieves a pencil and manuscript paper from the piano bench and begins to write. In the time it takes HARRY to perform this action, other characters move through days, months, years.
The bare winter tree appears. It grows leaves and loses them as time passes and passes.
We move through the cycle of the four seasons three times in a gentle, impressionistic manner. Through repetitive adding and removing of simple items—a scarf, an umbrella, sunglasses, etc.—we see LOUISE change with each season.
During this sequence, we might also see some of the following:
• LOUISE signs playbills. PAUL and MICHAEL approach the stage door holding programs. PAUL stands with his palms open as if to say “I’m sorry.” LOUISE shakes her head and opens her palms too. They walk towards each other and embrace. She hugs MICHAEL too.
• MICHAEL and PAUL pack and move boxes.
• PAUL wipes his hands on an apron. MICHAEL proudly presents a bunch of homegrown radishes.
• Someone passes LOUISE a new script. She looks at it and passes it on, as another script is handed to her. And another. And another…
• MICHAEL proposes to PAUL.
Transition music completes as lights shift. We’ve landed in autumn.
SCENE 11: THREE YEARS LATER
(Projection: THREE YEARS LATER. LOUISE turns. She is pregnant. HARRY sits at her kitchen table. He’s in the clothes we saw him in at the very top of the show, casual jacket and satchel.)
HARRY
You’re glowing… is a thing people say, right? You are.
LOUISE
I’m sweating. It’s sweat.
I have that effect. How far along are you?
HARRY
LOUISE
Seven months.
HARRY
You seem good. Seem well.
LOUISE
I am well. Sorry about the mess. We’re heading out of the city soon.
HARRY
You too? Everyone’s leaving. Man.
LOUISE
With the baby coming, it just feels like time. Not too far, just over a bridge.
HARRY
I bet he’s great. Is he great? Of course he’s great.
LOUISE
He’s great.
Good.
HARRY
LOUISE
I didn’t know if maybe I’d see you at Paul’s wedding / or —
HARRY
Oh, no—we’re not—not right now at least. But one day I’m sure.
LOUISE
Oh, one day I’m sure. (Beat.) Hey, thanks for coming all the way up here. Some days going out in the world now just sounds exhausting.
HARRY
True with child or without. Thanks for having me.
LOUISE
At a party last week I ran into a woman you used to date.
HARRY
Oh, fun.
Sara.
LOUISE
HARRY
Sarah with an “h” or without?
LOUISE
Oh boy.
What? There were two. Honesty.
HARRY
LOUISE
I couldn’t hear or not hear the “h” that may have been in her name. But it was illuminating to talk to her.
HARRY
Illuminating. Oh no.
LOUISE
No, no. She said you were doing well and I was happy to hear it. (Beat.) So. I was going through old boxes and I found something that belongs to you.
(LOUISE gets up to fnd something. She hands HARRY the old “Paradise” playbill with her signature and his phone number written on it.)
HARRY
Wow. Thank you.
LOUISE
I saw your number and I couldn’t not call.
HARRY
I’m glad you did. (Beat.) Hey, let’s make a trade.
(He removes a bound script with a deep red cover page from his satchel.) I wrote something.
LOUISE
Oh?
HARRY
Yeah, I got some help from a playwright friend—put some of my songs together. It’s not perfect, not all there yet, but I thought you might—I dunno—that you might want to read it. Or maybe—ha—it’s more that I want you to read it.
LOUISE
OK.
HARRY
Maybe I shoulda just sent it through to your agent since you’re fancy now… but… I thought of you when I was—well there’s a lot of you in it. I think. We’re rehearsing a little try out now, off-off-off-so-far-off Broadway it’s—well it’s on Easter Island actually, so don’t worry about coming. I’ll just leave it.
LOUISE
This is about me?
HARRY
Oh, no, no—don’t worry. If anything, it’s really all about me.
LOUISE
Ah, glad to see nothing has changed.
I didn’t mean it like—
HARRY
LOUISE
I’m kidding, Harry. Congratulations. (Beat.) Is it a love story?
HARRY
(Beat.) Yeah. In a way, yeah.
LOUISE
It’s funny, at this point I can hardly remember our time together—
HARRY
Same, same—
LOUISE
It’s like this hazy little bubble of I don’t know what —
HARRY
Yeah, exactly, it’s a bubble.
Hm. (Beat.) You look good. Healthy.
(Beat.) Louise—
(light) Oh, come on, don’t.
Don’t what—
LOUISE
HARRY
LOUISE
HARRY
LOUISE
Apologize for something a million years ago. You don’t need to.
HARRY
But what if I’m sorry?
What if I am too?
LOUISE
HARRY
What if. (Beat. In silence he apologizes. She does too.) OK.
LOUISE
Where’d sweet Paul ever end up? His ashes.
HARRY
The tree.
LOUISE
Hm?
HARRY
Where he particularly liked to pee.
LOUISE
(takes a moment to remember) Oh. That sounds right. Ugh, the lifespan of pets is one of the great injustices of the universe. Maybe we should all adopt giant tortoises. Don’t they live for two-hundred years or something?
HARRY
Yeah, they’d have to make our funeral arrangements.
(LOUISE laughs. HARRY does too. They look at each other.)
LOUISE
GOD, YOU HAVEN’T REALLY CHANGED— YOU LOOK SO MUCH THE SAME—MORE REFINED ARE THOSE SMILE LINES? THAT’S A VERY GOOD SIGN— MEANS YOU’VE HAD A GOOD TIME THE YEARS HAVE BEEN KIND
HARRY
GOD, IT FEELS SO FAR AWAY— A DIFFERENT LIFETIME
LOUISE
WON’T YOU STAY A WHILE?
WAIT HERE, I’LL PUT THE KETTLE ON
#14—The Kettle Song
HARRY
YEAH, PUT THE KETTLE ON I’LL STAY FOR JUST ONE CUP
HARRY / LOUISE
ONE MORE SONG (Lights shift—internal.)
I HAVE A SECRET
LOUISE
I PUT THE STOVE ON LOW SO THE WATER WILL BOIL REAL SLOW
HARRY / LOUISE
I HAVE A SECRET
I DON’T WANT TO GO
HARRY
HARRY / LOUISE
WHISTLE DON’T BLOW… (The whistle blows and the lights shift.)
BUT THE WHISTLE BLOWS
LOUISE
WAS IT ONE LUMP OR TWO? I DON’T REMEMBER (Light shift)
OF COURSE I DO, BUT WON’T SHOW YOU WHAT I’VE HELD ON TO—
HARRY
WON’T BE THE ONE WHO LOVED MORE, THE ONE WHO’S STUCK IN BEFORE— (Light shift)
LOUISE
WATCH YOUR HANDS WHILE I POUR
HARRY
WAIT, IT’S FAR TOO HOT TO SIP— LET IT COOL A LITTLE BIT
HARRY / LOUISE
LET’S JUST SIT
LOUISE
ARE THOSE SMILE LINES? THAT’S A VERY GOOD SIGN
HARRY / LOUISE
HAVE THE YEARS BEEN KIND?
(They lock eyes as lights change. LOUISE looks down at the script and opens it. She reads.)
EPILOGUE
#15—Epilogue
LOUISE
I’LL NEVER LEAVE MANHATTAN…
(She smiles. Music begins. Music she remembers. HARRY stands, takes the playbill and his satchel, and moves from LOUISE’s apartment into the world as she continues reading. PAUL appears in a leafy green patch of light, wearing gardening clothes, going through mail. He opens a large envelope and takes out the same bound script with the crimson cover. He reads.)
LOUISE/PAUL/MAN/WOMAN
HMM…
(LOUISE and her kitchen table begin to slide away and PAUL moves on. The light narrows. HARRY turns towards the audience as he was at the beginning of the play, the “Paradise” playbill in his hand.)
HARRY
You’d think it would have to be some big event. Some ground shaking moment. Where you suddenly see God. Come face to face with death. Or lose something you love. For me it wasn’t. It was just a moment. I was coming up out of the subway—no special occasion, not a particularly beautiful day. But I walked up the stairs, I saw the sky, and the only thing that made this moment different from the moment just before was that in this moment I decided. I don’t know why it was then. Or there. I wish it had been Louise. Or Paul. Or Paul. I wish it had been my father. Or my mother. I wish it had been waking up in the bathtub. Or in the snow. But it didn’t work like that.
(Music disappears.)
So… Anyway, I’ve just been sitting in and listening for the past few months. Thank you for that. And, well, today I thought I’d talk. So. That’s all I got for now, I guess…
WOMAN
(warmly, from the audience) What’s your name? You never introduced yourself.
HARRY
Oh, wow. Right, I never—sorry… Hi, I’m Harry. And I’m… (his chest heaves) I’m new.
(The lights widen to reveal others listening. Realistic light. We’re in a church basement or some sort of unadorned meeting space.)
WOMAN
Hi, Harry. Thank you.
MAN
Nice to meet you, Harry. Keep coming back.
HARRY
I think I will. (He looks around at the group.) I will. Yeah.
(The meeting ends. People put on coats, shake hands, and begin to leave. HARRY takes a breath for himself. On his exhale the lights widen and we are outside in clean autumn light. A new atmosphere.
The TRUMPET PLAYER plays on the sidewalk. HARRY stops and listens.
A stray dog wanders on stage. A real, live dog. HARRY looks at her. She stares back.)
HARRY
Are you—are you…lost?
(He bends down and holds out his hand. She sniffs it. He checks to see if she is wearing a collar. She is not.)
(to the TRUMPET PLAYER) You know this dog?
(The TRUMPET PLAYER dreamily shakes his head and continues playing. HARRY stands, looks around for a possible owner. No one.
He looks back down at the dog. She wags her tail. The trumpet soars.
HARRY makes a decision.)
Hi.
(Lights snap out.)
END OF PLAY
HARRY
#16—Bows / Exit Music