Additional Music and Lyrics by Jenna Clayborn, CJ Cruz, Will Francis, Jaxson Floberg, Sam Haft, Sam Jackson, Sim on White
Based on the Feature Film 1660 VINE
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Book and Concept
Copyright 2022 by Jackson Prince
Music and Lyrics
Copyright 2022 by Emma Ashford, Clayton Delp, Jackson Prince
(Last Revised—November 2024)
DANNY TELLER, @dannyteller19/ @therealdannytells (male-identifying / all genders considered)—A wide-eyed young man whose dreams of moving to Hollywood are ignited by an authentic viral video—that may not be what it seems to be. Nor might Danny.
LUNA, @lunalooks0_0 (female-identifying / all genders considered)—An Instagram model who is keeping herself together as gracefully as one can, in the precarious social media landscape. But below the surface, she’s falling apart. Luna and Jupe are close friends.
JUPE, @jupestunts (male-identifying / all genders considered)—A charming, confident stunt artist who rediscovers his childhood passion for poetry, while tightrope walking the line between the needs of his brand and the needs of his soul. Jupe is also Danny’s roommate and closest confidant.
CHANCE ONE, @cousinsbychance (male-identifying)—One half of a very successful prankster/comedy duo. Stubborn and a bit full of it, Chance One does everything he can to keep his cousin and, with that, their budding enterprise on track… which includes taking Danny under his wing.
CHANCE TWO, @cousinsbychance/ @PerChanceTwoDream (male-identifying)— The other half of @cousinsbychance. Goofy and a bit of a romantic, Chance Two has been spending more time with the girl he’s been dating (@rosesingz) than with his cousin. This love story, as well as a healthy investment in his side channel performing Shakespearean monologues, causes conflict between the duo.
ROSE, @rosesingz (female-identifying)—A singer-songwriter from North Carolina whose dreams of creating the kind of music she loves are revived by the adoration— and financial support—of Chance Two. A genuine artist, Rose is at a pivotal moment in her career, and still looking for that hit song.
EVE, @evenotrace (female-identifying / all genders considered)—A makeup vlogger who moves in with Luna. Free-spirited with plenty of life experience, Eve brings with her a quirky balance of wisdom, self-defined spirituality, and a bit of privileged naïveté, as she carves out her place in the world of 1660 Vine.
CAT, @catkills13 (female-identifying / all genders considered)—A precocious 13-year-old gamer who has built herself an empire (and a fortune). Cat is a Zoomer who knows that to be taken seriously, she has to be tough and hang in there with the adults. But there’s still a little kid in there… somewhere.
RENEE (female-identifying / all genders considered)—The manager of 1660 Vine who once sought a career in the arts, but just missed her break. She watches over the dreams of Vine residents.
NELLI, @woahnellinell (female-identifying / all genders considered)—A high energy TikTok dancer/choreographer who finds herself playing a behind-the-scenes role in 1660 Vine Live.
THE 1660WINEGIRLS, @1660winegirls (all genders considered)—Two Twitch streamers with big personalities who host the influencer-obsessed podcast, 1660 Wine.
EMILY (female-identifying)—A Duke University first-year and Danny’s (now) exgirlfriend who stars in the viral video. She is a constant reminder that Danny can’t run from his past.
DANNY’S DAD (male-identifying)—A busy, single father who wants his adult kid, Danny, to get on with his life (and get a job). Not once does he understand what an influencer does. He’s just happy that Danny’s got something to do.
VETERAN PRODUCER (all genders considered)—An experienced TV/event producer who has seen the rise (and fall) of lots of “phenomenons.” Believes in Danny, but heeds caution.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER (all genders considered)—A new-age leader in social media entertainment, who believes in cashing in on the rise of influencers like Danny, and in getting out before the fall.
FAMOUS INFLUENCER (all genders considered)—Chance One’s viral collaborator in a painful scene.
FITNESS INFLUENCER (all genders considered)—Jupe’s cringe-y “motivator” during a work-out.
STAGE MANAGER (all genders considered)—Cues the acts for “Vine Live.”
VLOGGERS (all genders considered)—Five vloggers who comment on events surrounding Danny and 1660 Vine.
ENSEMBLE 1660 Vine Residents, 1660 Vine Employees, Personal Assistants, Fans, Journalists, House Party Guests, Production Crew Members on #1660VineLive.
Several scenes of 1660 Vine are written for characters to be “vlogging,” or video recording, themselves, or being recorded by someone else.
They can be performed in any number of ways, as long as they are clearly delineated from the rest of the dialogue and songs. They may be pre-produced as pre-taped videos presented on screens/monitors, they may be “streamed” live on screens or monitors, and they may be performed live with the difference highlighted with lighting/staging choices, with props that indicate that a vlogger is “on,” or in a hybrid.
“@” symbols in dialogue are silent when spoken, unless the book says otherwise.
There are multiple opportunities for a larger cast, such as expanded ensemble vocal parts and optional dialogue (marked in the book and score). The production also works without an ensemble or with a small ensemble, so long as named characters perform ensemble vocal parts when possible.
During certain scene changes, there is an opportunity to use vlogs as transitional material. As above, they can be pre-taped/pre-produced or they can be performed with the lighting/ staging differential. These transitional vlogs can be created/written for any of the existing characters or for the Ensemble who act as a “real time Greek Chorus” commenting on the actions in the story that are evident to the streaming community because they are shared online, or about something completely off-topic (as long as it is rational within the world of the show).
Finally, there is an opportunity to also use these pre-taped, pre-produced vlogs by cast members, characters and ensemble alike, as the audience is entering the theater. This might acclimate the audience to the world of vlogging and of social media, and would lead seamlessly to the scripted vlogs that begin the show.
In 2015, dozens of young people with social media followings (mostly from YouTube, Instagram, and a defunct app called Vine) moved into an apartment building within the heart of Hollywood. Besides the allure of Los Angeles living, these budding celebrities migrated in hopes of meeting fellow “followed” people to collaborate with and to help boost their content. Together, they crafted a starry-eyed vision of how they might vault to permanent fame, fortune, and influence.
When I learned about this phenomenon in 2018, I was fascinated by the journey to and through the apartment building, and more so, by its residents themselves: these so-called “influencers.” Who are they? Where do they come from? What are their plans? Who’s on their team, and who stands against them? What does it feel like to create an online identity for the sake of followers? What does it feel like when the lines blur between their online and offline lives? And what happens after those first magical “15 minutes of fame”?
Supported by the collaborative power of several musical 20-somethings (read: my friends from college), I set out to explore the lives of social media influencers, and how they play a role in our own lives. In constructing the stage musical, I made the decision early on to use many of the songs as soliloquies in which characters spread out and express their emotions as authentically as possible, while the scene work possessed more true-to-life interactions between characters. From this foundation, we show that characters’ behaviors and priorities are fluid and can change on a dime, as the pressurized setting of social media exacts urgency on each of their journeys.
Since the first developmental production of “1660 Vine,” the landscape has evolved. Social media elevates more influencers and envelops more followers than ever before, as new platforms rise and old channels fall. Yet, while I promise to update the content of the musical to stay on-trend when necessary, I feel that “1660 Vine” actually becomes more poignant as the world progresses forward, continually reminding us that the social media game that we all play remains unpredictable, demanding, fast-moving, instable, competitive, and marked by the disconcerting feeling that somebody is watching your every move and wondering if you’re going to slip and break something beautiful... and readying to press “record” when it happens.
This stage musical, like social media itself, is a thrilling and emotional rollercoaster ride, filled with joyful moments and difficult confrontations. I hope that “1660 Vine” helps audiences and artists to better understand the chase for social media fame, and to empathize with the influencers (and wannabe influencers) who fuel it. I hope that “1660 Vine” also prompts each of us to reflect on why we need (or don’t need) social media, on when we disconnect our online selves from our offline selves, on where our relationships with vulnerability and insecurity lie, on what we put up with en route to our dreams, on how we evaluate the paths we take in life, and on who we choose to take along with us for longer than “15 minutes.”
“1660 Vine” is a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.
We begin in a blackout. We hear a sound cue denoting the beginning of a phone’s video recording. A single light shines upon LUNA, who begins her vlog. As described in Production Notes, this can either be performed as a pre-taped vlog or a live vlog that is distinguished by specific lighting/staging.
(Note: The named characters should extend their vlogs beyond what is written in order to build a cacophony of vloggers. With that in mind, ensemble members may also write and deliver vlogs; however, they should not be as “influencers.”)
LUNA
(vlogging)
What’s up everyone! You’ve all been asking about my morning routine, so I figured I’d just show you. I get up around 6AM and toss on my favorite pair of leggings…
As LUNA continues her vlog, light on JUPE, on a different part of the stage, who begins his vlog:
(vlogging)
I’m gonna take you through this dance tutorial step-by-step, it’s a bit tricky so be sure to pause the video and backtrack if you need to…
As JUPE continues, light on CHANCE ONE:
CHANCE ONE
(vlogging)
We just closed the poll for “Prank of the Week” and it looks like the winner is…
Light on CHANCE TWO:
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO (vlogging)
“Teepee the Hollywood sign!”
CHANCE TWO (vlogging)
Logistically this is going to be our most daring feat yet…
(vlogging)
We’re looking for one lucky fan to spend the day with your favorite Cousins as we make a toilet paper run to Costco…
As the CHANCES continue, light on CAT:
(vlogging)
Make it make sense. A 13-year-old can get paid to stream Call of Duty and kill noobs all day, but I’m still not allowed to watch Deadpool without a legal guardian…
As CAT continues, light on EVE:
(vlogging)
I just arrived at Milan Fashion Week and oh my gosh, the makeup teams here are absolutely serving! Glitter, piercings, eyeshadow, alien-core…
As EVE continues, light on ROSE:
(vlogging)
I have the first verse written, it goes like this.
IT’S COLDER IN LA, THAN IT EVER WAS AT HOME THE SKY BLUE PAINT IS CHIPPING GRAY…
As ROSE continues, lights on the 1660WINEGIRLS:
@1600WINEGIRL1 (podcasting)
One thing we love about our new apartment is the kitchen, and even though neither of us are cooks, we want to spend as much time as possible in it.
@1660WINEGIRL2 (podcasting)
That’s why we use Hello Fresh, and with this code…
As the 1660WINEGIRLS continue, lights on NELLI, who dances along to JUPE’s tutorial. From backstage or darkened parts of the stage, the ENSEMBLE begin their vlogs. These vlogs, occurring separately from one another, overlap and build and as the scene reaches utter chaos—
(Note: The named characters in “Welcome Back” should perform with over-eagerness and awareness of their “audience.”)
CAT / JUPE
HELLO!
HELLO MY LOVES!
WHAT’S UP?
@1660WINEGIRL1
CAT
JUPE
YO, IT’S BEEN WAY TOO LONG
CHANCE TWO
Greetings and Salutations, followers!
@1660WINEGIRL2
What’s happenin’?
HELLO!
LET’S GO!
EVE
CAT / LUNA
EVE
YOU KNOW I’M ALWAYS GONNA BRING YOU ALONG
It’s Luna, coming at you live on location!
LUNA
CHANCE ONE / ROSE
HELLO!
HELLO MY FRIENDS!
ROSE
I HAVE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE
JUPE / EVE
THANK YOU TO MY SPONSORS
NEUTROGENA
@1660WINEGIRL2
HELLO I’M SO EXCITED AH—
JUPE
FIJI WATER AH—
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO GOT TO SHOW YOU WHAT WE MADE
CHANCE ONE
This time, I swear it’s legal…
@1660WINEGIRLS / LUNA / JUPE SEE, I’M LIVING THE DREAM
EVE
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!
CAT / ROSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
+ LUNA / CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO TO GET ALL THESE VIEWS!
Pre-save link in my bio!
ROSE
CAT/ JUPE
WELCOME BACK
CAT / CHANCE TWO WELCOME BACK
JUPE
@JupeStunts, at your service.
EVE
And use code “@evenotrace” for ten percent off!
LUNA I’VE GOT BRAND DEALS
I’VE GOT BRAND DEALS
HIT REELS
LADIES ON THE SIDE
MAKIN’ REAL GAINS
LUNA
ROSE
JUPE
CAT
CHANCE TWO
NO COMPLAINTS
@1660WINEGIRL2 AND L.A. LIVIN’S FINE!
EVE
THE BEST PART IS—
WE STARTED
NOT UNLIKE YOU
@1660WINEGIRL1
LUNA
CHANCE ONE
FOUND MY NICHE
LUNA / @1660WINEGIRL2 CLICKED “RELEASE”
CAT / CHANCE ONE / EVE
MAKIN’ FORBES BY 22! SO—
CAT / ROSE / CHANCE TWO / JUPE WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL!
LUNA
WHERE NOBODY’S BLUE
+ CHANCE ONE AND WE’LL SHOW YOU WHO YOU
+ CAT
WANNA BE
@1660WINEGIRLS / EVE WELCOME BACK
EVE
HERE’S MY HANDLE!
@1660WINEGIRL1
WHEN YOU LIKE AND SAVE + @1660WINEGIRL2 YOU MAKE MY WHOLE DAY
JUPE SO SIT BACK
CHANCE TWO STICK WITH US
LUNA
LIFE IS GROOVY
CAT / ROSE
I BET YOU’RE JUST LIKE ME
EVE BUT LESS BOUGIE!
CHANCE TWO / CAT / ROSE WELCOME BACK
JUPE AND RELAX
LUNA CUZ WE’VE GOT YOU RIGHT NOW
CHANCE ONE
Anyway, in light of recent events, Chance and I have a very important announcement to make.
JUPE
And remember kids: Don’t try this at home!
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO
WE ARE SORRY FOR VIOLATING COMMUNITY GUIDELINES NEXT TIME WE’LL
BE BETTER MAYBE
ROSE
IMAGINE WAKING UP TO FIND SOMEBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME CAT
SOME PEOPLE CALL IT LUCK, I CALL IT THE NEW BLUEPRINT TO FAME
@1660WINEGIRLS
AND YOU COULD HAVE THE SAME!
LUNA / EVE / CHANCE ONE THERE’S NO TIME TO KEEP WAITING REFRESH YOUR FEED
‘CAUSE WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE MISSING IT’S US YOU NEED
+ @1600WINEGIRLS
AND WE JUST CAN’T STOP GIVING AT BREAKNECK SPEED
JUPE / CAT / CHANCE TWO TO BE HERE…
+ ROSE
TO THE MILLIONS WHO WATCH US FOLLOW OUR LEAD AND
(Note: ENSEMBLE enter vocally and visually as the “audience” of our named characters.)
ROSE / JUPE / EVE / 1660WINEGIRLS
WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL
LUNA / CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO / CAT CHANNEL, AH!
ROSE / JUPE / EVE / @1660WINEGIRLS WHERE EVERYTHING’S NEW AND WE’LL SHOW YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE
LUNA / CAT / CHANCE TWO WELCOME BACK, HERE’S MY HANDLE
ROSE / CHANCE ONE HANDLE, AH!
@1660WINEGIRLS
D.M. A REPLY, NOW YOU’RE PART OF THE HIVE
JUPE
LET IT FLOW LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU’RE NEEDIN’
CHANCE TWO STICK WITH ME AND I’LL
+ CAT / ROSE
GET YOU BELIEVIN’, WELCOME BACK!
LUNA AND RELAX
EVE
CUZ WE’VE GOT YOU RIGHT NOW
(Note: There’s a noticeable change in tone of characters and stage. Darker, more seductive. It’s not a vlog.)
CHANCE ONE WHEN THE FUTURE FEELS UNKNOWN AND YOU DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE
+ LUNA ALONE + CAT ALONE
JUPE / CHANCE ONE ALONE AGAIN
CHANCE TWO / ROSE
I’M THERE JUST LOOK AND YOU WILL SEE
CHANCE ONE SO GO AHEAD AND PICK UP YOUR PHONE I’LL BE THERE WHERE YOU LEFT ME
OH, I KNOW, I KNOW IT’LL ALWAYS BE
@1660WINEGIRLS
A HOME FOR YOU, A HOME FOR ME
CAT / EVE
A HOME FOR YOU, A HOME FOR ME
LUNA / JUPE / @1660WINEGIRL2 A CLICK AWAY, YOU HOLD THE KEY
@1660WINEGIRL1 / EVE / ROSE
LEAN IN CLOSER WE’LL APPEAR
(Note: The tone lightens!)
CAT / ROSE / JUPE / CHANCE TWO WASTE THE DAY! WON’T YOU STAY? NOW YOU’RE HERE!
CHANCE ONE / EVE / LUNA NOW YOU’RE HERE!
(Note: The following can be vlogged or “live.”)
CAT / CHANCE ONE / EVE / LUNA / JUPE AH!
ROSE / CHANCE TWO / 1660WINEGIRLS WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL
ALL WHERE EVERYONE’S HOME AND NOBODY’S ALONE FOR A WHILE
ROSE / CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO WELCOME BACK, HERE’S MY HANDLE!
CAT / CHANCE TWO / @1660WINEGIRL2 HERE’S MY AH…
JUPE / LUNA / ROSE WHEN YOU HIT SUBSCRIBE WE + EVE BOTH FEEL ALIVE
@1660WINEGIRL1 SO STAY CLOSE
JUPE
DON’T LET GO WE WON’T + EVE / LUNA / CHANCE TWO / ROSE LOSE YOU! AH! AH! AH…
@1660WINEGIRLS / CHANCE ONE / CAT
DON’T YOU KNOW WE COULD NEVER REFUSE YOU WELCOME BACK
JUPE AND RELAX
CAT / EVE / CHANCE ONE / 1660WINEGIRL1
CUZ WE GOT YOU RIGHT NOW
JUPE / CHANCE TWO / LUNA WELCOME BACK, AND RELAX + EVE / CAT
CUZ WE’VE GOT YOU RIGHT
LUNA / 1660WINEGIRL1 / CHANCE 2 WELCOME BACK
ROSE / 1660WINEGIRL2
OOH… + CHANCE ONE
RELAX
CUZ WE’VE GOT YOU RIGHT NOW…
DANNY films a vlog in a hallway, outside of a college dorm room. He holds his camera phone in one hand and a cake in the other.
DANNY
This is @DannyTeller19 coming to you with a very special vlog from outside my girlfriend Emily’s dorm at Duke University. It’s our five-year anniversary next week. And she has no idea this is happening.
DANNY opens the door and sneaks into the dorm room. He hears the shower on.
It took me 11 hours and two buses to get here. So worth it.
DANNY places the phone on Emily’s bedside table, so that it films at a wide angle and captures most of the room. He fixes his hair and checks his teeth using the camera’s view.
Emily recently deleted all of her social media to focus on school. Which is frustrating cuz now I have no one to send baking TikToks to, and I don’t wanna brag but I think I’ve gotten pretty good—
EMILY walks out of the bathroom. She’s in everyday clothes. But the shower’s still on.
Danny!
(holds out the cake)
Surprise!
EMILY
DANNY
EMILY
(not happy to see him)
This really isn’t a good time… I was gonna call tomorrow and explain everything.
DANNY
Is there someone in the shower?
EMILY
(covering)
The shower? Oh. No, it’s just a leak…
DANNY hears whistling in the shower. He heads toward the bathroom door and starts knocking.
(EMILY)
Danny, please!
DANNY
(knocking on the door)
“Please?” There’s a dude showering in your bathroom! Hello? (then; to EMILY)
You know, I took two buses to come here!
I’ve been begging for weeks to talk about how I’ve been feeling about things, but it’s like you never want to get serious.
DANNY
Well, I’ve been busy!
You’re “busy” spending your gap year in your bedroom watching YouTube all day. I’m “busy” with real things!
DANNY
Like cheating on me? … Enjoy your break-up cake!
DANNY pushes the cake into EMILY’s chest. Then, EMILY takes the cake and pushes it into his face. With cake and icing all over his face, he reacts, in tears:
This icing sucks!
DANNY sobs, as he runs toward the camera to end the video.
ACT 1 - SCENE 3: DANNY’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - AFTERNOON/ EVENING
DANNY, sitting in bed, watches the vlog several weeks after it was filmed, as it slowly uploads to YouTube. Above his bed hangs a picture of the Hollywood sign. He stares up at it and sighs.
The loading stops, as the upload fails. DANNY tries to refresh the page. Nothin’. He fiddles with a Rubik’s Cube. Frustrated.
DANNY
(yelling)
Dad, can you get off the Wi-Fi? I’m trying to upload a video.
DANNY’S DAD enters.
DANNY’S DAD
Sure, but keep the screen time down today, please… Okay Danny?
DANNY (distracted by laptop)
No promises. Especially if the Wi-Fi keeps crashing and making me start over.
Well maybe while you’re on there, could you at least apply to a few jobs?
(off DANNY’s sigh)
Look, I know we said this would be your gap year, but this is—
DANNY
(looking up from laptop)
Pathetic?
DANNY’S DAD (correcting)
It’s not what I signed up for. I don’t care what you do. But something is better than—this.
DANNY’S DAD exits. The Wi-Fi returns to DANNY’s computer. The video continues to upload.
(Note: In “Stuck,” ENSEMBLE can either sing offstage or be placed artfully on stage, as if in DANNY’s mind.)
DANNY
WAKING UP AT 11, DAMN I SLEPT IN LATE CHECK TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES THEN IT’S THREE O’EIGHT WHIP UP A LI’L TO-DO LIST BUT IT FILLS ME UP WITH DOUBT SO I ADD WHAT I DID YESTERDAY TO CROSS SOMETHING OUT
DROWN THE GUILT IN A LITTLE YOUTUBE WHEN I KNOW I OUGHTA STOP TAKE A BREAK FROM WATCHING ON MY PHONE AND SWITCH TO MY LAPTOP
ALL I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO’S THE FOOD THAT I JUST ORDERED CUZ POSTMATES IS THE ONLY FORM OF HOPE I CAN AFFORD AND I LACK THE STRENGTH AND PATIENCE TO COMPLETE JOB APPLICATIONS I GET STRESSED I’LL MESS THE CAPTCHA UP
What do I do if none of the squares have trucks? I’M STUCK! TRYING TO MAKE A LITTLE LUCK WHAT’S A KID TO DO TO EARN A BUCK? AM I BOUND TO SIMPLY SUCK? BUT WHAT IF LIGHTNING STRUCK? AND TOOK ME FAR AWAY TO SOMEWHERE LIKE LA WHERE THE WORK IS MORE LIKE PLAY
GETTING FAMOUS FOR GETTING VIEWS WHAT I’D DO TO BE IN THOSE SHOES! NO MORE LOSING, I’D BE CRUISING LIKE I DON’T GIVE A—
Language!
BUT I’M STUCK THE KIDS I WATCH IN VIDEOS ARE JUST AS YOUNG AS ME BUT THEY LEAD THE KIND OF SPECIAL LIVES THE MASSES WANNA SEE IF SOMEONE TUNED IN EVERY DAY TO WATCH MY SAD ROUTINE THEY’D PROB’BLY GET SO DAMN DEPRESSED THEY’D TRY TO BREAK THEIR SCREEN
GOT NO FUTURE TO EMBRACE AND MY DAD IS ON MY CASE THE ONLY PLACES I ESCAPE TO ARE THE VIDEOS I’M STREAMING
BUT WHEN THE SCREEN GOES BLACK AND MY FACE IS STARING BACK WELL IT’S ALL THAT I CAN DO TO KEEP FROM SCREAMING
OH I’M DYING!
I’M NINETEEN BUT I’M DYING I’M ENDLESSLY APPLYING FAILING HARD BUT LOOK I’M TRYING I WISH THAT I WAS FLYING SOMEWHERE BETTER, SOMETHING NEW SURE THAT I’D BE BREAKING THROUGH MAKING MORE THAN MAKING DO
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE TO BLOOM BUT I’M STUCK HERE IN THIS ROOM GETTING JEALOUS, FEELING SAD MISSING ALL THE THINGS I WISH I HAD
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN EV’RYONE BUT YOU IS MOVING AND YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING? WHO’S THERE TO GUIDE YOU BUT THE LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU SAYIN’ “BEST NOT TO TRY YOU’RE DESTINED TO HIDE AWAY!”
SHE’LL BE OKAY
SHE’S GOT A FUTURE TO LOOK FORWARD TO DANNY, TAKE IT DAY BY DAY YOU’LL FIND YOUR WAY SOMEWHERE BETTER, SOMEWHERE NEW SOMETHING BETTER, SOMETHING NEW
MAYBE IT’LL TAKE A LITTLE LUCK AND SOMEDAY SOON I WON’T BE SO STUCK!
I’M STUCK
I’M STUCK
I’M STUCK!
DANNY goes through his bedtime routine. He plugs in his computer and phone, and falls asleep. As DANNY sleeps, his phone lights up with notifications indicating that his post has gone viral. ENSEMBLE MEMBERS begin to talk. We see and hear the cacophony of lights and noise.
DANNY wakes up to the sounds of dozens of notifications from his phone.
What the—
DANNY jumps out of bed and hurdles toward his desk. He refreshes his laptop: the video is at SEVEN MILLION VIEWS.
Seven million— (then, typing)
“Break-Up Cake Kid… ”
Clips from the viral video, social media headlines—as well as photos of he and Emily from their high school days—flood the screen.
DANNY clicks a livestream podcast called “1660 Wine,” hosted by @1660WINEGIRLS.
@1660WINEGIRL1
My heart! You can just tell that this guy is so in love with her.
@1660WINEGIRL2
But also like, wanting so badly for his cake to be good enough.
@1660WINEGIRL1
We stan a kitchen king. Well, he’s the obvious winner from this break-up. Seven million views in one day.
@1660WINEGIRL2
We’re putting @DannyTeller19 on 1660 Wine’s official “1660 Vine Watch.” Sponsored by Rolex.
DANNY’S DAD watches the video with DANNY.
You and Emily broke up?
Yeah, it was… mutual.
DANNY’S DAD
DANNY
DANNY’S DAD
And you said eight million people have seen this?
DANNY
Just hit nine million. Dad, this is exactly what I needed. Now I can become an influencer.
DANNY’S DAD
That’s not a real job.
DANNY
It is a real job, if you’re in the right place… Which is why I have to go to LA.
DANNY’S DAD
What? Los Angeles? You don’t know anyone there.
DANNY
I know of people.
You don’t have a car.
Ever heard of Uber?
You don’t have an income.
DANNY’S DAD
DANNY
DANNY’S DAD
DANNY
I have enough money in my savings to cover two months… I think.
You “think?”
DANNY
Once I’m out there, I’ll figure it out. And if I don’t, I’ll come home. And get a “real” job. Okay? Please?
(hesitates, then)
Okay. You get two months. But if it doesn’t work—
DANNY
(already celebrating)
Thank you! I gotta start packing!
Wait! Where are you gonna live?
DANNY’S
DANNY
(as if obvious)
Where everyone lives when they go viral.
DANNY exits. A beat.
DANNY’S DAD
Am I supposed to know where that is?
(Note: OPTIONAL TRANSITION - Vlogs from named characters and/or ENSEMBLE MEMBERS hanging out in 1660 Vine.)
ACT 1 - SCENE 6: 1660 VINE - LOBBY/COMMON SPACE - DAY
RENEE, wearing a 1660 Vine uniform, sits at her desk, sorting through packages on a shelf. DANNY enters, with a suitcase in one hand and his Rubik’s Cube in the other.
RENEE
Hello there! Welcome to 1660 Vine. My name is Renee, I’m the manager. This your first time in?
DANNY
I’ve seen it in videos. But yeah, first time. I’m Danny Teller. I called yesterday.
RENEE
And the day before. And the day before.
DANNY (embarrassed)
Right.
RENEE
It’s nice to meet you, Danny Teller. How about I give you a tour, just as soon as I finish these sponsor drops for the kids?
(explains)
You know that Vine is filled with—
DANNY
(finishing her sentence)
Influencers. Yeah. I’m actually trying to be an influencer too.
RENEE
Checks out.
DANNY
So, do you actually have an apartment available?
RENEE
We do. Vine isn’t meant for long-term living, y’know. Average stay is about a year. That’s when you decide if social media and fame and audiences are for you, or better yet, if you’re for them. If you hit it big, you could be outta here in six months.
DANNY
Can it happen sooner? In—I don’t know… two months or so?
RENEE
Why not? Some kids are here for 15 minutes and WHOOSH! They build a career, a strong foundation, maybe even buy a house in the Hills.
DANNY
Does that happen a lot?
RENEE
One in a million. (a beat)
You’ll be fine.
(then; leading DANNY)
Okay, first stop on the tour is our beautiful Common Space. DANNY and RENEE enter the Common Space. They see JUPE practicing a stunt, LUNA trying on clothes, NELLI choreographing a TikTok dance, and CAT gaming atop her “throne.”
(RENEE)
(to the OTHERS)
Everyone—this is Danny Teller. He’s thinking about moving in.
JUPE
Yo wassup kid! I’m Jupiter! Everybody calls me Jupe, though.
DANNY
Jupiter. That’s a cool name.
JUPE
You know, like Poseidon and them. Shortened it to Jupe when I got to Vine though.
DANNY
Yeah. I’m just Danny… From Daniel… You know, like the Bible.
(off LUNA’s laughter)
You’re @lunalooks0_0, right?
Just Luna.
Sorry if it’s weird that I know you.
LUNA
DANNY
LUNA
All good. Everyone kinda knows everyone.
NELLI
Hey, Renee?
@woahnellinell! I love your TikToks!
Aw, thank you! What’s your name?
DANNY
NELLI
DANNY
Danny.
From the Bible.
Actually I’m from—
JUPE
DANNY
NELLI
Sorry, I gotta get this video up like, now. Nice to meet you!
NELLI exits.
CAT (playing her game)
He’s one-shot! He’s one-shot! Come on! Revive me!
DANNY (to the OTHERS)
Is that @catkills13? The kid gamer prodigy? She lives here too?
CAT
(playing her game)
Boom! How does it feel to get stomped by someone who hasn’t even hit puberty yet. Touch grass, loser.
LUNA and JUPE and DANNY watch her for a beat.
Yeah, she scary.
LUNA
JUPE
So Danny, how you like Vine so far? Pretty sweet, huh?
DANNY
Central air? A Common Space? Wi-Fi that actually works? This place is great.
LUNA
But that’s not what make this place great.
DANNY
Well, what does?
RENEE
You see, Danny…
#3—15 Minutes in 1660 Vine
(RENEE)
WHAT MAKES THIS PLACE GREAT? NO, IT AIN’T COMMUNITY
AIN’T THE NEIGHBORS, OR THE PARTIES OR THE STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY
AIN’T A FRIVOLOUS PERK OR AMENITY WHAT MAKES THIS PLACE THE BEST IS WHERE IT TAKES YOU NEXT
WHEN YOU GOT 15 MINUTES OF FAME SIGN YOUR NAME TO A NEW APARTMENT
TRADE IN A LITTLE RENT FOR SOME COLLABS AND SPONSORSHIPS
CASH GRABS AND POOLSIDE DIPS
NOW’S THE TIME
SPEND YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES IN SIXTEEN SIXTY VINE
And the song takes us to:
ACT 1 - SCENE 6A: 1660 VINE - GYM / TERRACE / POOL / COMMON SPACE
RENEE, JUPE, and LUNA take DANNY on a tour. They explore amenities and meet fellow residents along the way.
JUPE
GO HIT THE GYM ‘CAUSE YEAH YOU GOTTA STAY FIT
LUNA
TRY VEGAN S’MORES BY THE FIREPIT
JUPE
SURE YOU CAN LAY BY THE POOL FOR A MINUTE BUT YOU GOT THINGS TO DO SO DON’T GET CAUGHT UP TANNING IN IT
LUNA / RENEE
IT’S YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
STAKE YOUR CLAIM IN YOUR NEW APARTMENT TRADE IN A LITTLE RENT FOR SOME STAR-STUDDED INSTA PICS PAID FOR DESIGNER KICKS
IT’S YOUR TIME TO SHINE
SPEND FIFTEEN MINUTES IN SIXTEEN SIXTY VINE
RENEE hands DANNY a lease agreement. He reads it, reacts:
DANNY
Oh. Wow. That’s a lot. Is there, like, a payment plan?
JUPE
Hey man, just keep doing your thing and the money’ll— wait, what did you do again?
LUNA
He got dumped.
JUPE
Oooh. (thinks; then)
Why don’t you live with me! I’ve been using my second bedroom to practice stunts, but who needs practice anyway?
That’s really nice Jupe—
JUPE
YOU MADE MONEY MOVES BY MOVING HERE DON’T STRESS ABOUT THE MONTHLY CUZ ONCE YOU’RE SETTLED INTO VINE THE INCOME’S SET, TRUST ME! GO BE THE FACE OF A PRODUCT THAT OUGHTA PAY THE BILLS JUST BY VLOGGING UP IN MALIBU OR CHILLING IN THE HILLS
LUNA
IF YOU THINK TOO FAR AHEAD YOU’LL MISS THE MOMENT
RENEE
YOU GOTTA GET IN WHILE YOU CAN
JUPE
THE DOOR’S WIDE OPEN
LUNA
THIS IS YOUR CAREER, IT’S TIME TO YOU TO OWN IT
JUPE / LUNA / RENEE
THE NEWEST FACE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD IN THE COOLEST PLACE IN HOLLYWOOD! CUZ YOU’VE GOT—
CAT
Shut up! I’m trying to game!
Note: The ENSEMBLE now joins in vocally, and begins to circle around DANNY.
JUPE / LUNA / RENEE (hushed, in reaction to CAT)
FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
STAKE YOUR CLAIM IN YOUR NEW APARTMENT (building vocals)
TRADE IN A LITTLE RENT FOR SOME COLLABS AND SPONSORSHIPS
(JUPE / LUNA / RENEE)
CASH GRABS AND POOLSIDE DIPS
STAR-STUDDED INSTA PICS
PAID FOR DESIGNER KICKS
PALM TREES AND LIMOUSINES
BLUE CHECKS AND SCREAMING TEENS
THIS AIN’T HYPERBOLE, IT’S YOUR REALITY
IT’S YOUR TIME TO SHINE
WITH FIFTEEN MINUTES… IN SIXTEEN SIXTY VINE!
DANNY signs his lease.
#3A—15 Minutes in 1660 Vine (Playout)
1 - SCENE 7: 1660 VINE - CHANCES’ APARTMENT - DAY
CHANCE ONE and CHANCE TWO vlog to camera.
CHANCE ONE
What’s up, nerds! I’m Chance One, he’s Chance Two. Together, we’re @CousinsByChance.
CHANCE TWO
@CousinsByChance is your one-stop shop for prank videos—
Parody songs!
CHANCE ONE
Prank videos!
Parody songs!
(CHANCE TWO)
And reenactments of Shakespeare’s most enduring works.
CHANCE ONE
(to CHANCE TWO)
No!
(then; to camera)
Anyway, did you guys know that even though we’re cousins and we share the same name that we didn’t meet until sophomore year of college?
CHANCE TWO
That’s bananas!
CHANCE ONE
New vlog-slash-channel-intro-slash-origin-song coming in hot!
CHANCE TWO
Let’s do it. Two, three, four!
#4—Cousins By Chance
(Note: “Cousins By Chance” should be performed live, but could be supported with video as well.)
CHANCE ONE
TWO COUSINS, CAME FROM NOTHING NOW WE’RE SOMETHING AND WE’RE
(CHANCE ONE)
REALLY FRICKEN’ RICH
CHANCE TWO
WE’RE SO RICH
CHANCE ONE
WE’RE OBSCENELY RICH…
(CHANCE TWO) PLUS HERE’S OUR PROMO CODE FOR JOCK ITCH!
(CHANCE TWO)
I WAS FAILING, WAS A JOKE
CHANCE ONE AND I WAS RAILING TOO MUCH— FUN DIP
CHANCE TWO
WE MET IN THE BATHROOM LINE
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO AT CHILI’S! IT WAS A SIGN!
COUSINS BY CHANCE, COUSINS BY CHANCE COUSINS BY CHANCE
CHANCE ONE
(to CHANCE TWO)
WOAH! WOAH, WOAH… CHANCE ONE pauses the vlog. What was that harmony?
CHANCE TWO
I think it was a major…
CHANCE ONE A major what?
CHANCE TWO … Or maybe it was a minor?
CHANCE ONE
We’re partners, right?
CHANCE TWO
Right.
CHANCE ONE
Great partnerships only work when one half shuts up and follows the other. Luigi has Mario, Josh has Drake, and Scooby Doo has—
CHANCE TWO
Crippling depression because no matter how many mysteries he solves, deep down he knows he’ll never find another dog who truly understands him.
CHANCE ONE (a beat)
“Scrappy Doo.” Was the answer. (off CHANCE TWO’s realization) And going again.
TWO, THREE, FOUR! CHANCE ONE presses play.
CHANCE TWO
WE’RE AT OUR BEST WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER TAG-TEAMING YOUTUBE, GETTING CLEVER
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO EVERY DAY, WHATEVER WEATHER
CHANCE ONE LIKE A PITCHER
CHANCE TWOW AND A CATCHER
CHANCE TWO
YOUNG SKYWALKER
CHANCE ONE EWAN MCGREGOR
(CHANCE TWO) KENOBI
CHANCE ONE
HE SLEEPS WITH A PRINCESS LEIA DOLL
CHANCE TWO
HEY! WELL HIS DAD PLAYED WAY TOO MUCH GOLF
He didn’t pay attention to him!
CHANCE ONE
WELL HE IS SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO BIRCH TREES HE CAN’T EAT APPLES
CHANCE TWO
UNLESS THEY ARE COOKED
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO UNLESS THEY ARE COOKED APPLE PIE’S FINE THOUGH
CHANCE TWO
We have a saying over here at @CousinsByChance: “Cousins Are Always Cousins.”
CHANCE ONE
Now, you might wonder what that means, but we think it’s pretty self-explanatory.
CHANCE TWO
Even when he trapped me in a room with a Komodo dragon!
CHANCE ONE
Even when he trapped me in a room with his girlfriend… (an uncomfortable beat... then)
Aw, we have fun here.
CHANCE TWO
Let’s kick this trick up a notch!
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO LIKE, COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE WE ARE COUSINS IN OUR PRIME LIKE, COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE TO THE GREATEST COUSINS OF ALL TIME
CHANCE ONE
DO A SEARCH! BUY OUR MERCH! GET THE FRESHEST CONTENT FIRST
CHANCE TWO
ON YOUTUBE, INSTA, SPOTIFY, TWITTER
CHANCE ONE MYSPACE!
CHANCE TWO COINBASE!
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO LINKEDIN!
CHANCE ONE
OPENSEA FOR AN NFT
CHANCE TWO
ETSY FOR OUR POTTERY
CHANCE ONE
SNAPCHAT!
CHANCE TWO DISCORD!
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO FACEBOOK!
CHANCE ONE ONLYFANS…
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO
KNOW TO LOOK FOR THE GREATEST COUSINS OF ALL TIME FOR THE GREATEST COUSINS OF ALL TIME WE’RE THE GREATEST COUSINS OF ALL TIME COUSINS BY CHANCE! COUSINS BY CHANCE!
CHANCE ONE COUSINS BY CHANCE
CHANCE TWO
WE’RE COUSINS BY CHANCE, OH WE’RE COUSINS—
HUH!
(CHANCE ONE)
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO
COUSINS BY CHANCE
CHANCE ONE ends their vlog.
CHANCE ONE
Nice work. So tomorrow we’re filming three vlogs here in the morning, then meeting our agent in Malibu, then meeting our manager Downtown, then hosting some kind of dinner party fundraiser for… orphans, maybe? Or turtles? I can’t remember which.
CHANCE TWO
Might be good to find that out…
CHANCE ONE
Also I was thinking we could squeeze in a tour of this new Content House. They just had two rooms open up—
CHANCE TWO
I told you, Rose and I don’t wanna live in some mansion with a bunch of TikTokers.
CHANCE ONE
Your girlfriend doesn’t get a vote. She’s not even here. ROSE enters their apartment with her guitar.
ROSE
Hello!
CHANCE ONE
(to ROSE, feigning excitement)
Rose! Oh, great, hi! Hey, how’s the songwriting going?
ROSE
Actually, not bad.
(kisses CHANCE TWO)
And how did the vlog go?
CHANCE TWO
Fantastic!
Fantastic.
CHANCE ONE
ROSE
(to CHANCE TWO)
Babe, did you sing that high harmony we practiced?
CHANCE ONE (fed up)
I’m gonna vape in the bathroom. Lemme know when this… ends, okay? CHANCE ONE sulks off to the bathroom.
CHANCE TWO
Sorry. He’s just possessive. All he thinks about is @CousinsByChance. And the vaping puts him on edge.
ROSE
Doesn’t he have other friends? Besides you?
CHANCE TWO
No. He says I’m the only friend he needs because I’m weak and malleable. (then)
Hey, how’s the new guitar? Pretty sweet birthday present?
ROSE
It’s beautiful. Thank you… Maybe it’ll be the thing that finally gets me signed to a label… (hesitant)
I actually started writing something new last night.
CHANCE TWO
A new song! Is it a love song?
No.
ROSE
CHANCE TWO
Oh.
It’s about the place where my family used to spend our summers.
CHANCE TWO
Rodent-tree!
Rodanthe.
ROSE
CHANCE TWO
Rodanthe, right, North Carolina. Can you sing it for me?
ROSE
It’s not done! I still can’t figure out the hook.
CHANCE TWO
At least show me what you have. Please?
ROSE
Okay, but it’s seriously not performance-ready. I need to focus on lyrics. (then; producing a chord sheet)
I do have the chords written out, though.
CHANCE TWO
I’ll play, you sing.
But you don’t know how it goes.
ROSE
CHANCE TWO
I’ll follow you.
CHANCE TWO takes her guitar and chord sheet. ROSE pulls out her lyrics notebook. He plays.
(Note: ROSE is treating this song as a songwriting session, while CHANCE TWO is reading a bit more into it, emotionally.)
IT’S COLDER IN LA THAN IT EVER WAS AT HOME THE SKY-BLUE PAINT IS CHIPPING GRAY BREAK OUT MY WINTER COAT I THOUGHT THE SUN WAS SHINING BRIGHTER WITH EVERY SONG I WROTE BUT I AIN’T GETTING NOWHERE THE WORDS THEY JUST DON’T COME THE DAYLIGHT FADES WITH EVERY CHORD I STRUM
I MISS RODANTHE, I MISS THE CAROLINA COAST WHERE DREAMS WERE EASY WHERE THE ONES I LOVE WERE CLOSE I TRAVELED FAR TO CHASE THE STARS BUT SHE’S STILL IN MY HEART… She stops singing. And that’s where I’m stuck.
Look, I know LA doesn’t always feel like home. But you’re meant to be here, Rose, I know it… Besides, a part of you will always be in Rodanthe.
(thinks; then)
Wait… That’s it!
That’s what?
Chance, that’s the hook!
(singing; CHANCE TWO follows on guitar) BUT NO MATTER IF I TRAVEL FAR SHE’S RIGHT THERE IN MY HEART
AND A PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS BE IN RODANTHE
THE SAND IN CAROLINA CAME RIGHT UP TO MY DOOR AND I’D SIT AND WASTE THE DAY AWAY SINGING ON THE SHORE
THE SEASIDE ALWAYS BECKONED EVERY SECOND TO EXPLORE CUZ THE WORLD WAS IN MY REACH AT SUNRISE ON THE BEACH I CLOSE MY EYES AND REALIZE I SEE
MY SWEET RODANTHE, SHE’S LIKE THE FABRIC OF MY MIND THE GUIDE WITHIN ME THE SPARK THAT LIGHTS THE FLAME INSIDE NO MATTER IF I TRAVEL FAR SHE’S RIGHT THERE IN MY HEART AND A PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS BE IN RODANTHE
SO WHEN YOU’RE FEELING ALL ALONE MISUNDERSTOOD YOU CAN REMEMBER HER REMEMBER ALL THE GOOD YEAH NOTHING’S PERFECT BUT SHE SURE CAME CLOSE YOU WOULDN’T WASTE A MINUTE IF YOU KNEW YOUR TIME HAD LIMITS SO WHEN I’M LOW I’LL KEEP HER HERE WITH ME I’LL HOLD ON—
ROSE TO RODANTHE RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH THE SAND CUZ LOVING’S EASY
We did it!
CHANCE TWO / ROSE
WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE’S IN HAND
ROSE
NO MATTER IF I TRAVEL FAR SHE’S RIGHT THERE IN MY HEART AND A PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS BE IN RODANTHE
CHANCE TWO / ROSE
NO MATTER WHERE I GO SHE’S ALWAYS WITH ME
NO MATTER WHERE I GO SHE’S ALWAYS WITH ME
ROSE
NO MATTER WHERE I GO
ROSE
CHANCE TWO
No, you did it. You need to record that right away.
I can’t spend money on studio time right now. I can barely pay rent.
CHANCE TWO
I’ll cover your rent. And I’ll pay for the studio time. (before ROSE can protest)
When you win a Grammy for “Rodanthe,” you’ll buy us a beach house. And I’ll be there every step of the way until you do.
Thank you. They kiss.
CHANCE TWO
If we move to North Carolina, then my cousin will definitely need to make friends. Hiding behind the bathroom door, CHANCE ONE has been eavesdropping on their conversation.
(defensively, to himself)
I can make friends.
#5A—Podcast 1
DANNY sits on the set of “1660 Wine,” hosted by @1660WINEGIRLS.
@1660WINEGIRL1
Welcome back to 1660 Wine, the hottest gossip podcast with all the hottest news in the hottest apartment in Hot-lywood. We have a very special guest today.
@1660WINEGIRL2
He’s just as sweet as the icing still left over on his face. It’s the Break-Up Cake kid @DannyTeller19! Say wassup, Danny.
DANNY (unsure, to camera)
Now? Oh, uh, wassup… (to the WINEGIRLS)
Thanks for having me on. I didn’t even know this show existed till a week ago.
@1660WINEGIRL2
Same goes for you.
@1660WINEGIRL1
Your video “Break-Up Cake” has over fifteen million views on YouTube, and is being parodied by everyone, from TikTokers to talk-show hosts. I’m sure it’s weird to have such a public reaction to what must’ve been a really hard moment. But I know that lots of people can relate to what Emily put you through.
Light on EMILY, watching the podcast from her room. DANNY’s hesitant to talk about the breakup.
DANNY
Well, there are two sides to every story, and—
@1660WINEGIRL2
She cheated on you! I mean, you literally caught it on tape. (off his silence)
Ooh! Does Emily have any embarrassing secrets you wanna tell everyone? For revenge?
Can we move on? I’m sorry, it’s just—
Light out on EMILY.
DANNY
@1660WINEGIRL 1
Okay… Well, then, what’s next for the Break-Up Cake Kid?
DANNY
Next?
ACT 1 - SCENE 9: 1660 VINE - DANNY & JUPE’S APARTMENTDAY
DANNY rewatches the podcast while sitting on his couch, frustrated with his performance. Suddenly, he is caught off-guard by his phone’s familiar ringtone. It’s EMILY, who we see on a different part of the stage, trying to call him.
DANNY
SHE’S CALLING… WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY SAY? IT’LL BE OKAY, BUT SHE’S CALLING… I’M SITTING HERE STALLING THIS AWFUL DELAY AS THE RINGING REPLAYS AGAIN
SHE’S CALLING, SHE’S CALLING, SHE’S— DANNY is interrupted by JUPE and LUNA entering. Lights out on EMILY.
Hey Danny!
You good?
JUPE
DANNY
(frustrated)
How do I get people to stop thinking of me as the Break-Up Cake Kid?
JUPE
(searching on his phone)
What’s your handle?
@DannyTeller19.
DANNY
JUPE
You ain’t even in the top 10 Danny Tellers?!
(looking at his phone)
I mean, this is classic… Dude, you still got prom pictures on here… ?
Should I delete those?
DANNY
JUPE
Yes! This is the page of someone who has no idea what their brand is.
LUNA
Your brand is what makes you valuable in the industry. Mine is my looks and my modeling.
JUPE
Mine is stunts and dance tutorials. My looks are just a bonus.
DANNY
I guess I don’t have a brand yet.
JUPE
You’ll get there… Hey, at least you got a dope roommate. Luna’s roommate has been flying all around the world just to avoid living with her.
LUNA
Not true.
JUPE
This girl Eve—
LUNA (in a nasally voice) “@evenotrace” !
JUPE
—has been paying for Luna’s second bedroom for six months, and hasn’t even been to Vine yet.
LUNA
She’s moving in next week. Like actually. (gets a notification)
Oh shoot, I gotta run. Eve texted me a list of “bathroom essentials” and Venmo’d me $500 to pick them up.
What are bathroom ess—
DANNY
LUNA
(scrolling through the list)
You don’t wanna know. But I promise you, for $500 bucks, it’s not “essential.” (exiting)
I’ll see y’all.
JUPE
Hey, Luna’s new roommate could be a rebound opportunity from Cake Girl.
DANNY
I don’t know. It might take me a little time, you know.
JUPE (considers)
“Were all stars to disappear or die, I should learn to look at an empty sky; and feel its total dark sublime, though this might take me a little time.”
DANNY
Did you just come up with that?
Nah. It’s Auden. This poet I like.
JUPE
DANNY
That’s cool. Do you ever write your own stuff?
JUPE
I do. In this.
(pulling a notebook from his back pocket)
Right between choreo notes and stunt budgets.
DANNY
Have you ever posted one? A poem, I mean.
Poems don’t pay the bills.
Who says?
DANNY
JUPE
Business Insider, Forbes, capitalism, my mom…
DANNY
I want to hear one of your poems sometime.
JUPE
Maybe.
(then)
Look, I got a few videos to film. But hey, Daniel-from-the-Bible, you should be focused on your brand right now, okay? Fifteen minutes goes by quick without one! Deuces!
JUPE leaves DANNY.
Suddenly, five VLOGGERS appear around DANNY, live and/or vlogged.
VLOGGER 1
Did you see Danny’s 1660 Wine interview? That was so awkward.
VLOGGER 2
He’s way less attractive than I thought he’d be.
VLOGGER 3
Danny Teller walked in with a break-up video and thought that was all he needed!?
VLOGGER 4
It’s clear that Danny is not very smart.
VLOGGER 5
I feel bad for Danny. Imagine what it’s like to be in his head.
(Note: During “Still Stuck,” DANNY is aware of the named characters singing around him, though they are not aware of one another, nor of Danny. Each time a named character sings, they are spotlighted/prominently staged.)
ALL
WELCOME BACK!
HELLO! I’M GONNA SWITCH IT UP TODAY
I WANNA TELL YOU ‘BOUT WHAT GOT SENT MY WAY
FIGURE-FLATTERING ATHLEISURE
SURE TO FIT ANY KIND OF BODY—
BODIES DROPPIN’ GOTTA CARRY MY SQUAD
I’M THE LAST ONE LEFT AND… OH MY GOD! RUNNING OUT OF AMMO, SWITCHIN’ TO CAMO HANGIN’ BY A THREAD BUT THEY WON’T CATCH ME DEAD—
CHANCE ONE DEAD-ASS WE GOT THESE CARTRIDGES
CHANCE TWO
FROM A SCIENTOLOGIST
CHANCE ONE
SWORE THEY’D CURE MY OCD—
ROSE
CDS ARE ON PRE-SALE THE LINK IS IN MY BIO
I OWE SO MUCH TO YOU—
USING THE DAY TO COOK UP SOMETHING NEW! IT’S NOT THE DANCE VIDEO
I’M SUPPOSED TO POST ON INSTAGRAM BUT I DON’T REALLY GIVE A DAMN—
AM I MORE THAN JUST ANOTHER TEENAGE FAILURE CUZ I’VE NEVER FELT SO UNDERQUALIFIED! OKAY, SO THE WORLD IS LISTENING BUT WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY? I HAVE TO SAY I TRIED
Thanks for tuning in! You know I love you—
You all are my biggest inspiration. Without you, I wouldn’t—
I would have survived that round if that building wasn’t in my way—
CHANCE ONE
Way too strong. Two?
CHANCE TWO
Kinda tastes kinda like ketchup.
Catch up with you all later! Check back tomorrow for a new video, but til then—
SCENE
CHANCE ONE grills
CHANCE TWO.
CHANCE ONE
So why does Rose need you at the studio today?
CHANCE TWO (lying)
Moral support.
CHANCE ONE
And why do you need to take the company credit card?
CHANCE TWO (still lying)
I was gonna buy us some props for that prank we’re doing next weekend—
CHANCE ONE
It’s this weekend. C2, you better not miss it.
CHANCE TWO
I won’t! Hey, why don’t you go meet some of the neighbors? Make some friends?
CHANCE ONE
If the neighbors wanna be friends, they can come to me. There’s a knock at the door. CHANCE TWO opens it, revealing DANNY. Who is it?
CHANCE TWO
A fan, I think.
CHANCE ONE
I’ll call Security.
CHANCE TWO
You can’t keep calling security every time someone’s at the door. That’s why Postmates won’t deliver to us anymore. Bye.
CHANCE ONE
No don’t—
But CHANCE TWO exits. DANNY enters. CHANCE ONE stares at DANNY.
Look, I’m not a fan. I live here. (catching himself)
I mean, I am also absolutely a fan.
DANNY
CHANCE ONE
Wait, wait, you’re that Break-Up Cake Kid! I didn’t recognize you without the cake and the tears. Ugly crier, by the way. I listened to the 1660 Wine interview. Fourteen million views. When my cousin and I first got to Vine, we were only averaging one or two mil a vlog.
DANNY (to himself)
I am so behind.
CHANCE ONE (sees an opening)
Say more.
DANNY
I don’t have a brand. And I didn’t move across the country to just be the Break-Up Cake Kid. You’re the brains behind @CousinsByChance, so I thought maybe you could help? My fifteen minutes are almost up and I’m not doing anything about it.
CHANCE ONE
It sounds like what you need is a friend.
DANNY
Or a mentor.
CHANCE ONE
No, a friend. A best friend. Listen, being famous is one thing. Staying famous is a whole different ballgame, Danny. Nobody gets that in their first fifteen minutes.
But Luna and Jupe said…
Who? No. From now on, you listen to me!
#8—15 Minutes More
(Note: In “15 Minutes More,” CHANCE ONE takes DANNY under his wing. ENSEMBLE may also be on stage, as CHANCE ONE’s fans.)
WHEN YOU’VE GOT FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME IT’S A GAME AND THE OBJECT IS CLEAR EXTEND YOUR CAREER
YOU GOT A GENIE IN A BOTTLE DANNY, PUSH FULL THROTTLE BE A LITTLE MORE AMBITIOUS WISH FOR MORE WISHES
IT’S FIFTEEN MINUTES TO GET FIFTEEN MINUTES TO GET FIFTEEN MINUTES MORE
SEE WHEN YOU’RE A STAR LIKE ME EACH FIFTEEN COMES MORE EASILY SURE JUNA AND LUPE ARE SWEET BUT SORRY BABE, THEY CAN’T COMPETE AND HELPING DON’T COME NATURA’LY BUT ACTUA’LY YOU MIGHT BE THE THING I NEED I’LL SHOW YOU HOW TO TAKE THE LEAD
SO WIPE THAT BREAK-UP CAKE FROM YOUR PORES I’LL GET YOU FIFTEEN MINUTES FIFTEEN MINUTES MORE BE OUTLANDISH, BE OUTRAGEOUS THINK IT’S CRAZY? IT’LL LAND! RUN FOR MAYOR, FAKE A START-UP GO AND JOIN A REGGAE BAND I SMASHED A TESLA CLEAN TO BITS
GOT A HUNDRED MILLION HITS DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU’RE DOING LONG AS YOU CAN KEEP ‘EM VIEWING! AND ONCE THE NORMIES START TO CALL YOU DUMB CONGRATS! YOU’VE GOT THEM ALL UNDER YOUR THUMB
YOU GOT FIFTEEN MINUTES TO GET FIFTEEN MINUTES TO GET FIFTEEN MINUTES MORE
IF YOU’RE IN IT TO WIN IT AND YOU’RE WILLIN’ TO SEND IT I’LL SHOW YOU HOW TO SCORE
WITH FIFTEEN MINUTES FIFTEEN MINUTES MORE
CHANCE ONE walks DANNY to the door.
Get a sense of what’s here. But more importantly, figure out what’s not here. Good brands fill the gap. So, you want to find your thing, you should… (off DANNY’s silence)
Fill the gap!
DANNY
Fill the gap, right. Okay! Awesome… Oh, so now that we’re working together, should I call you Chance One… or C1… or just Chance or—
CHANCE ONE (dismissive)
We’re done here.
The door slams on DANNY.
ACT 1 - SCENE 11: 1660 VINE - LUNA’S APARTMENTAFTERNOON
LUNA adjusts a ring light as JUPE writes in a notebook. DANNY takes notes on his phone. He smiles when he has a good idea.
Ugh, I have so many posts to make. I can’t just wait around for her all day.
(to DANNY, re: the game he’s enjoying)
You’re in a good mood! Feeling single? Ready to mingle, may-haps?
No, just made a new friend today. Just got me inspired to—
EVE barges in, vlogging.
EVE
Omigosh. Omigosh. Omigosh! I am here! This place is amaze! And this is my roommate @lunalooks0_0! Hi! Oh! More new friends! That’s @JupeStunts and…
(re: DANNY)
I don’t know who that is but he’s cute!
(re: the apartment)
Whew! Look at this apartment! Divine natural light for a simple and honest glowy daytime touch-up. I’m all about self-love, right? Well, a key part to feeling good is getting that D, ladies. That vitamin D!
EVE ends the vlog. Talks to the OTHERS:
Hi, sorry I’m, like, six months late. I got caught up in Paris and then Milan beckoned me back, but now I’m here! Yay!
Yay! Well, those bathroom essentials are all set up for you. Even got some non-essentials.
EVE
It’s all essential, babes.
(introducing himself)
I’m Danny, by the way.
(to EVE)
Old Testament, Biblically speaking.
DANNY
You have a really nice aura, Danny.
JUPE
EVE
Where are you from, Eve?
EVE Venus.
JUPE
Hah!
(laughing; off DANNY’s and LUNA’s look)
That was funny.
EVE
I was actually born in Santa Monica. But I’ve lived lots of places: London, Istanbul, Tokyo, Lisbon, SF.
LUNA
So your family is…
Witness protection.
(then)
Yeah, no, we’re loaded.
(looks around)
I didn’t know we had maid service!
EVE
LUNA
We don’t. With sponsor drops coming in every day, I stay organized. I also worked in retail before I moved to LA.
EVE
You know, I’ve always wondered what that was like.
LUNA Retail?
EVE No, working.
LUNA
Speaking of which, I’ve gotta do some ad work. EVE finds the product LUNA’s about to market.
EVE
Ooh, isn’t this stuff supposed to be like awful for you?
LUNA
I mean, I don’t actually use it.
JUPE
I thought you didn’t market stuff you don’t use… Must pay well.
LUNA Hey!
DANNY Is it part of your brand?
EVE
Kinda off-brand, TBH.
LUNA (defensive)
It’s work, okay? Chill! A long beat. Then:
She needs some space.
Yeah, let’s head out.
I’ll catch you later… Roomie!
They all hurriedly leave LUNA. She sighs as she goes to her ring light. She then consults a script on a piece of paper on the package from Renee.
(Note: The following italicized section will adjust based on the identity of the performer playing LUNA.)
(reading off the page)
“To my curly Latina girlies… ” Who wrote this?
She turns on the ring light, turns off her room lights. Props her phone on a ring light and presses Record.
(visibly tense and fed up)
“To my curly Latina girlies who don’t got no patience for frizzy hair or heat damage from their straighteners. Chicas, no más. Porque this organic, non-toxic texture relaxer is fuego. En serio. I ain’t messin’ witchu! Girls like us never get a break from all this texture—” (restarting)
“Girls like us never get a break—” (again)
“Girls like us—”
LUNA throws the product against the wall.
(Note: In “Lucky,” we see LUNA pulled apart by all of the people who rely on her, or use her.)
(Optional Vocals Note: If necessary due to vocal constraints, ENSEMBLE can either join LUNA or replace LUNA in the italicized pre-choruses.)
LEFT MY HOME AT SEVENTEEN EAGER TO GET ON THE SCENE
NO ONE ELSE I HAD TO PLEASE BUT THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME
SMILED WHEN PEOPLE KNEW MY NAME NOW MY SKIN WAS IN THE GAME TOOK MY SHOT, NO TIME TO WAIT AND THEY SAID YOUR VIBE IS SELLING GREAT, BUT
“COULD YOU SMILE A LITTLE BRIGHTER? MAKE YOUR TEETH A LITTLE WHITER? WEAR YOUR HAIR A LITTLE TAMER? THAT ALRIGHT? IT’S NOTHING MAJOR COULD YOU SPEAK A LITTLE SWEETER? NEVERMIND, DO SEXY, DEEPER ONE MORE SPOT, YOU’RE SUCH A KEEPER YOU’RE SO HOT AND WE’RE SO EAGER DON’T YOU FEEL SO LUCKY NOW? YOU’RE WHAT THEY ALL DREAM ABOUT”
STILL TAGGED CLOTHES AND VIRAL VIDS MAKEUP SENT WITH RETURN SLIPS THEY TELL ME, “GIRL, YOU HAVE A GIFT AND OUR SALES GO UP CUZ YOU’RE WHAT’S HIP!”
SPONSORED CAUSES BEAUTY HELP
NO CAP SELFIES, FANS THEY MELT MY PRODUCTS FALL RIGHT OFF THE SHELF AND JUST WHEN I’M STARTIN’ TO FEEL MYSELF IT’S A—
(LUNA)
“COULD YOU MAKE YOUR WAISTLINE SLIMMER? LOVE THOSE CURVES, JUST WANT THEM THINNER PLUCK YOUR BROWS A LITTLE TRIMMER THAT OKAY? YOU’LL BE A WINNER COULD YOU TRY A BIT LESS HEATED? DON’T WANT YOU TO SEEM CONCEITED LOVE YOUR FLAIR, BUT IT’S NOT NEEDED KEEP YOUR COOL, DON’T LOOK DEFEATED
AND DON’T YOU FEEL SO LUCKY, NOW? YOU’RE WHAT THEY ALL, WHAT THEY ALL…”
ENSEMBLE
LUCKY! LUCKY!
LUCKY! LUCKY!
LUCKY!
LUCKY!
(LUNA) YOU WANNA BE JUST LIKE ME YOU WANNA SEE WHAT I SEE I’M A PUPPET ON A STRING… AND MY SPONSORS LOVE ME YEAH THEY LOVE TO TUG ME WELCOME TO MY CIRCUS RING …
(LUNA)
EMPTY WORDS AND INFO GRAPHS
FEELING BLUE, THEY’RE IN THE BLACK MY GUT SAYS “GO AND TAKE THE FLACK” BUT MY CONTRACT SAYS “NO GOING BACK” SO IT’S—
“COULD YOU SMILE A LITTLE BRIGHTER? MAKE YOUR SKIN A LITTLE LIGHTER? DO YOUR HAIR A LITTLE STRAIGHTER? THAT ALRIGHT? WE LOVE YOUR FLAVOR! COULD YOU TRY IT MORE AUTHENTIC? SCRATCH THAT, JUST A BIT MORE ETHNIC LOVE THE ‘TUDE, NOW LESS FRENETIC YOU’LL BE GREAT FOR OUR AESTHETIC!”
GOD I FEEL SO LUCKY NOW TAKE THE FALL AND TAKE YOUR BOW GOD I FEEL SO LUCKY NOW NO THIS CAN’T BE… THIS CAN’T BE!
ENSEMBLE
SHE’S SO LUCKY!
LUCKY!
LUCKY!
LUCKY!
LUCKY!
LUCKY! AH— AH AH LUCK!
(LUNA)
YEAH IT’S ALL A BIG SHOW
YEAH “GIRLS LIKE US” KNOW WE’RE A PIN ON THEIR LAPEL… WHEN YOU PLAY BY THEIR RULES
YEAH, GIRLS LIKE US LOSE SO AT THIS POINT WHAT THE HELL… HELL!
(LUNA)
MIGHT AS WELL
CHANCE TWO performs a scene from “Julius Caesar.” ROSE accompanies with a medieval guitar score. DANNY films. EVE plays The Ghost of Caesar, as NELLI performs interpretive dance.
CHANCE TWO
“Caesar, now be still: I kill’d not thee with half so good a will.” (dies; then breaks character)
And… scene. Thanks for tuning into @PerChance2Dream, my Shakespearean haven away from @CousinsByChance. Give it up for this week’s guests, @woahnellinell and @evenotrace!
EVE
You can go watch my Caesar tutorial on my channel! Eh tu, Brute!
CHANCE TWO
As always, I am your vessel.
DANNY stops filming.
Great work everyone. Nelli, really lovely interpretative dance of the battle at Philippi.
NELLI
Just make sure you tag me in it this time, thanks.
CHANCE TWO
(to ROSE)
Beautiful work on the lute as always, m’lady.
(to EVE)
And Eve! You were such a good Caesar!
EVE
I played Inspector Javert at my all-girls boarding school.
CHANCE TWO
So in keeping with Shakespeare’s epic love tales, I think the next material that we should tackle are his gorgeous sonnets. There are 154 of them, so—
EVE
I’m gonna get this stuff off my face…
But this was fun!
NELLI
Yeah I also have a thing I have to… So fun.
Beat. Then, EVE and NELLI leave the apartment.
How do you think I was?
CHANCE TWO
ROSE
The cutest Brutus I’ve ever seen.
CHANCE TWO gives ROSE a kiss.
DANNY
So, how long have you two been together?
ROSE
Oh, like, a couple months.
CHANCE TWO
Four months… But definitely not as long as you and the Cake Girl. Five years? And then she cheats on you?
DANNY
Well, it’s a bit more complicated than that—
CHANCE TWO
“A flesh-monger, a fool, a coward!”
Chance!
ROSE
CHANCE TWO
Sorry, I only get to do Shakespeare when Chance isn’t around. He’s an anti-intellectual… which is why he calls the shots.
CHANCE TWO receives a calendar alert.
Oh no, I completely forgot about—
(CHANCE TWO)
On another part of the stage, and/or vlogged, we see CHANCE ONE getting a painful wax hair removal from a FAMOUS INFLUENCER.
Hey dude, you have a really weird patch of hair back here.
Well, my cousin was supposed to do this prank because he’s pretty much hairless—
(as more wax is stripped off)
Ow!
(into his phone)
Two, where are you?!
ACT 1 - SCENE 12B: 1660 VINE - CHANCES’ APARTMENTCONTINUOUS
CHANCE TWO
He’s probably fine.
A text arrives on ROSE’s phone.
It’s my contact from that Nashville label.
CHANCE TWO
No way! Did he fricken’ love “Rodanthe?”
(to DANNY)
Rose wrote this amazing song, “Rodanthe.” You gotta hear it, it’s—
(frustrated, reading the text)
“Too country” and “won’t play on TikTok.” (then)
Since when does every song need a stupid dance to go with it?
ROSE turns away. CHANCE TWO comforts her.
See ya later, Danny?
CHANCE TWO
DANNY
Yeah… Sorry, Rose.
As DANNY exits, he clocks ROSE’s discontent.
#9C—Underscore: Video Game Underscore
OPTIONAL DIALOGUE: Gamers streaming in, responding to/playing with CAT.
CAT games from the Common Space.
CAT
Poggers, dude, thanks for the T3 sub. Enjoy the new emotes… (then, a change in tone)
Hey, anyone ever read Tuck Everlasting? I have a book report due tomorrow, so whoever can whip up something quick for me gets a VIP invite to my Discord where I pre-release premium merch!
DANNY watches as CAT continues to game and RENEE organizes sponsor drops.
DANNY
Who does she even live with?
RENEE
Well, her father’s got a place in the penthouse of Vine but I’ve never see him. He travels a lot. Handles a lot of her business.
DANNY
She has 20 million followers. Double the Cousins.
RENEE
I’m not surprised. That little girl never stops working.
DANNY
Maybe no one’s really tried to give her a break.
DANNY approaches CAT, taps on her shoulder.
Uh, hi. Nice to meet you. I’m—
CAT
(still playing the game)
Don’t care.
DANNY
Okay… Um, question—do you ever play video games just for fun?
CAT turns to DANNY, showing him her hands.
CAT
Look at these hands. I’m one joyride away from juvenile arthritis. What do you think?
CAT zones back into her stream. DANNY returns to RENEE, who has overheard.
RENEE
I gotta say, that’s the longest conversation she’s had with somebody in weeks.
CAT
(yells at the game)
Die, moron!
JUPE and LUNA enter, mid-conversation.
JUPE
This is some BS! They don’t get to censor a post just cuz it don’t sell their stuff.
LUNA
At least you took a risk. You tried.
What happened?
DANNY
LUNA
Jupe posted a poem this morning and since his sponsors didn’t approve it, his reps are making him delete it.
DANNY
Can I hear it? Your poem?
JUPE nods, hands DANNY his phone. DANNY presses play and we hear/see:
#9D—Underscore: Jupe’s Poem
JUPE
“I remind and reassure the inner voice, rejoice
For the singularity of my experience
Is cultivated from oppressed vines and broken lines reconnected I am the shiny fruit of flowers neglected
Black and blue berries, buried no more under dreams rejected I know what’s expected I look back, I look forward”
(re: the poem)
That’s beautiful. Wait, they didn’t like it?
JUPE
10,000 dislikes. Bunch of comments in my feed about how I should stick to what I know.
DANNY
Maybe they’re just not used to seeing the other side of you.
JUPE
My reps booked me to go on tour for six months to do stunts for these same kids.
LUNA
That’s the game. It keeps us afloat.
JUPE
Not if it keeps us from having control over our own content. Or from doing what we actually wanna be doing.
DANNY clocks both of their discontent. As JUPE exits: I’m gonna hit the gym.
As a transition, we see the following vlog:
(on an instructional video)
A few more… nice. Push through the burn! The key is to limit your rest between sets Don’t get complacent. Keep moving—
We reveal that the FITNESS INLUENCER, on video, is leading JUPE and other RESIDENTS, including NELLI, who work out alongside him.
You have to keep your body in motion. Cuz as soon as you stop, you’ll lose all that muscle mass you worked so hard to build. If you’re half-assing sets, skipping reps…
As the FITNESS INFLUENCER continues to coach from their video, JUPE enters his own headspace. The other EXERCISERS join him through choreography.
Bodies in motion remain in motion.
That’s a law of nature.
But bodies in motion are different from bodies that move.
Move with words, move to tears, move the chains, or move out the way.
Move mountains, and heaven, and earth.
Move people to understand their worth and move the needle with the birth of a movement.
Bodies that moves can bust a move, make a move, fake a move, move a mile a minute, or just move on.
But this body, my body, is not a body that moves.
It has been set into motion, by fan’s devotion.
By a platform designed to entertain.
Where i am resigned to refrain from revealing my constant brainstorm of thoughts, or else lose all of the gifts that it’s brought.
Don’t stop me now, cuz my family is proud.
And I feel grateful for this body in motion, I do, for the momentum I get from all of your views.
But what good is a body in motion, if it can’t… move… you?
DANNY sits in his bed, thinking. Memories of the disappointments and frustrations of fellow Vine residents “appear” around him, a moment in which the audience peers into DANNY’s head.
It’s work, okay? Chill!
“Too country” and “won’t play on TikTok.”
Bunch of comments in my feed about how I should stick to what I know.
CHANCE TWO
I only get to do Shakespeare when Chance isn’t around.
CAT
I’m one joyride away from juvenile arthritis.
CHANCE ONE
Fill the gap.
DANNY puts the pieces together. An epiphany.
DANNY
That’s it!
1 - SCENE 16: 1660 VINE - COMMON SPACE - DAY
LUNA, JUPE, CAT, EVE, CHANCE TWO and ROSE sit in the Common Space. They wait with CHANCE ONE until DANNY enters.
CHANCE ONE
(sotto)
You’re late! Okay, I got everyone here for you. Don’t make me look dumb.
Thanks, Chance. I appreciate it.
CHANCE ONE
Danny! We’re friends! Remember? Friends do friends favors. And since I’m helping you solve this problem, maybe you’ll help me get rid of my problem…
(glances at CHANCE TWO and ROSE)
Well, Danny. I think we’ve created enough suspense. So… what’s your pitch?
#11—Be Real
(Note: In “Be Real,” we stay with this core group of characters until Scene 16A.)
ON THE SCREEN IT SEEMS LIKE WE’RE LIVING OUT OUR DREAMS THE WHOLE WORLD AT OUR COMMAND BUT FROM WHAT I SEE THERE’S MORE YOU’D RATHER BE BUT YOU CAN’T YOU’RE CONTROLLED BY YOUR BRAND
AND THE SPONSORS SAY YOU’RE LUCKY CUZ MILLIONS HAVE TRIED SO STICK TO YOUR SHTICK KEEP THE VIEWERS SATISFIED
DON’T YOU SWIM UPSTREAM
DON’T YOU CHASE A DIFFERENT DREAM IF YOU DO, THEY’LL LEAVE YOU OUT TO DRY
I LEFT MY HOME A MONTH AGO AND NOW I KNOW WHY I WASN’T MEANT TO SIGN MY FATE AND BLINDLY FALL IN LINE
I LOOKED AROUND AND LISTENED FIGURED OUT THE THING THAT’S MISSIN’ AND I GOT A PLAN TO FIX IT WHY CAN’T SIXTEEN SIXTY VINE… BE REAL?
IT’S TIME TO SHOW ‘EM WHO WE TRULY ARE INSIDE REVEAL THE FEELINGS THAT WE’VE TRIED TOO LONG TO HIDE TIME TO SAY WHAT WE WOULD SAY WITHOUT THE FINE PRINT IN OUR WAY
TIME TO LIVE HOW WE WOULD CHOOSE IF WE HAD NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE AND FINALLY THE WORLD WILL SEE HOW WE FEEL
FROM NOW ON, WE CAN BE REAL
We use our platforms to show people what it’s really like to be an influencer, during a live event streamed right here in 1660 Vine. We can warn our followers about restrictive brands and demanding sponsors, and show them our authentic selves.
My reps are gonna hate it.
Which is why we’re doing it together. Because together, we have 50 million combined followers. So what do we say?
No thanks. It’s a little “inspiring” for my taste. CAT leaves.
CHANCE TWO
There goes half the 50 million.
We’ll get her back, don’t worry.
DANNY
LUNA
This is a huge risk, Danny. What if we lose everything we’ve worked for?
DANNY
It’s worth it. Imagine if your pages were filled with people who don’t follow you for your brand. But for who you really are, or who you want to be. This is how we turn fifteen minutes of fame into careers
LUNA
I don’t know.
JUPE
Well I know I ain’t going on no stunt tour. Danny’s right. We need new ideas. New sponsors. New followers. Ones who want us, for us.
AREN’T WE SICK OF PRETENDING THAT OUR FORTUNE’S NEVER-ENDING? THEY LOVE US WHEN WE’RE TRENDING THEN THEY DITCH US WHEN WE FALL!
CHANCE ONE THE BREAK-UP CAKE KID’S RIGHT AND HE FREAKIN BLEW UP OVERNIGHT WE KNOW THE PUBLIC’S KEEN TO BITE ON SOMETHING FRESH, SOMETHING RAW!
DANNY
AND WHY SHOULD WE PRETEND TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHO WE ARE?
EVE
AREN’T WE MORE THAN JUST FLEETING SOCIAL MEDIA STARS?
JUPE
YEAH WE’RE THE ONES TO CHANGE THE GAME!
CHANCE ONE TO TAKE CONTROL ROSE TO STAKE OUR CLAIM!
NO MORE WAITING
NO MORE FAKING
DANNY
LUNA
YEAH WE GOTTA RAISE THE BAR
ALL (ON STAGE)
IT’S TIME TO SHOW ‘EM WHO WE TRULY ARE INSIDE REVEAL THE FEELINGS THAT WE’VE TRIED TOO LONG TO HIDE TIME TO RISE, TAKE A STAND MAKE A BRAND NEW KIND OF BRAND!
LAY IT ALL ON THE LINE
LEAVE THE FEAR AND DOUBT BEHIND SO FINALLY THE WORLD WILL SEE HOW WE FEEL FROM NOW ON, WE CAN BE REAL BE REAL, BE REAL, BE REAL BE REAL, BE REAL, BE REAL, BE REAL!
JUPE
RELEASE THE POEMS THAT I KNOW WILL SET ME FREE
LUNA
EXPOSE THE UGLY SIDE OF THE BEAUTY INDUSTRY
ROSE
BECOME THE SUPERSTAR I KNOW I’M MEAN TO BE
EVE
RELEASE THE UNEXPECTED UNFILTERED ME!
CHANCE TWO
Well Chance, I guess we’ll have to figure out who we really—
CHANCE ONE
Who cares! More money, more clout!
The group minus DANNY moves on. DANNY’s phone rings. It’s EMILY. We see her elsewhere and hear her voicemail message to Danny:
Danny, it’s enough. Okay? Just take the video down. And we’ll talk.
DANNY looks at her for a beat. But ignores the message, and rejoins the enthused group.
CHANCE TWO
The important thing is we’re in this together.
ROSE
No matter what.
Right.
No selling out.
Just remember why we’re doing this.
CHANCE ONE
Influence. A chance at real influence.
ENSEMBLE enters, led by RENEE, NELLI, and the 1660WINEGIRLS. The scene turns into a party.
A BILLION KIDS UP HOOKED UP TO SCREENS LET ‘EM LOOK BEHIND THE SCENES
ALL
IT’S TIME TO PAN THE CAMERA ‘ROUND, SHOW THE UPS AND THE DOWNS! AND FINALLY THE WORLD WILL SEE HOW WE FEEL FROM NOW ON, WE CAN BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! BE REAL! WE CAN BE… REAL!
#11A—Podcast 2
The 1660 Wine podcast airs.
@1660WINEGIRL1
Welcome back to 1660 Wine. The biggest storyline coming out of the building over the last few weeks has been Danny Teller. Now, it was not the strongest start for the Break-Up Cake Kid.
@1660WINEGIRL2
But Danny, who changed his handles across social media to @therealdannytells, has several 1660 Vine residents signed on to participate in #1660VineLive, a livestream event that’s gonna show followers what it’s really like to be an influencer.
@1660WINEGIRL1
Directed by Danny Teller himself, #1660VineLive is streaming this Sunday, six days from now. It’s going to be one of the most viewed influencer events in history.
@1660WINEGIRL2
And we’ll have Danny on our show later today for an exclusive interview.
@1660WINEGIRL1
(an embarrassed beat; then, smiling)
If he responds to our texts!
ACT 2 - SCENE 1A: 1660 VINE - VARIOUS LOCATIONS / PODCAST
(Note: In “Welcome Back Reprise,” lighting and staging should be a callback to “Welcome Back,” except instead of vlogs, the characters are creating phone messages, text messages, and voice messages to DANNY, who is nowhere to be found at the start. ENSEMBLE characters can create ambient chatter until DANNY enters.)
Uh, Hi there, I’m calling to reach Danny Teller?
Danny Teller, I’m from the agency—
We’re interested in interviewing you about #1660VineLive—
You should really set up a voicemail, Danny—
Just sent the budget over, take a look—
HELLO?
HELLO!
@1660WINEGIRL1
CHANCE TWO
HEY DUDE WE’RE BLOWIN’ UP WITH CALLS, YOU ALONE?
@1660WINEGIRL1
Just reminding you to call in to the show today—
@1660WINEGIRL2
Unless you’re gonna blow us off again—
HELLO?
LUNA
HEY DANNY! WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AND PICK UP YOUR PHONE?
CAT
In the one percent chance I do sign on, my riders are: on-site dressing room, two kegs of 7-Up, a hand masseuse, personal petting zoo…
EVE / CHANCE ONE HELLO!
CHANCE ONE
YOUR MENTOR’S CALLING
ROSE
DANNY DON’T BE M.I.A.!
CAT
… Body double, bubble bath, a pair of Yeezy’s…
EVE
I’m also a trained palm reader, you can see on my TikTok—
CAT
… A piñata, fifty percent of the backend, GameStop stock, Cool Ranch Doritos…
LUNA / CHANCE TWO / NELLI HELLO!
CHANCE ONE
HEY BUDDY
DANNY
JUPE
ROSE
LET ME KNOW WE’VE GOT SIX DAYS
… An ice cream cake, and a Spanish tutor!
CAT
ROSE / LUNA
CUZ I’M TAKING A CHANCE ALL BECAUSE OF YOU
CAT / LUNA / JUPE
YOU BELIEVE BEING ME WILL GET ALL THOSE VIEWS?
ROSE / LUNA / JUPE
CAN YOU SHOOT BACK A TEXT DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO LOOK I GAVE YOU MY WORD
EVE / CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO / WINE GIRLS
TO BE REAL…
ROSE / LUNA / JUPE / CAT
BUT NOW WHERE ARE YOU?
DANNY appears in a BRAND NEW LOOK that is more “Hollywood.” He’s calling in to the 1660 Wine podcast from the back of an Uber.
DANNY
LISTEN UP, ‘CAUSE I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME, MY NAME’S ON THE LINE, DIDN’T YOU KNOW?
I’M A WALKIN’ TALKIN’ DEAL MACHINE, DON’T YOU SEE SOMEHOW THEY THINK I’M A PRO!
LAST WEEK I WAS HOPELESS THIS WEEK, I’M LIKE WOAH THIS HOLLYWOOD THING’S TREATIN’ ME RIGHT
NO MORE FEELIN’ SMALL, THERE’S NO TIME TO FEEL AT ALL, I MAKE IT LOOK EASY, AND I’M FINE
@1660WINEGIRLS
DIDN’T YOU KNOW!
THINK HE’S A PRO!
TREATIN’ HIM, TREATIN’ HIM RIGHT FINE, HE’S FINE!
(DANNY)
JUST NEED A MILLION AND FIVE SO THAT WE CAN GO LIVE CHANCE ONE FaceTimes DANNY.
CHANCE ONE
Hey best friend. Remember that problem you were gonna help me with in exchange for my help? I’m just going to use your name to make a little deal. So… if you get a call from somebody in Nashville, don’t pick up.
DANNY
Nashville? Um… Okay, I guess.
CHANCE ONE
Also, I got you on the list for a House Party in the Hills. Those event producers I connected you with are going to be there. Be cool.
DANNY enters a party full of INFLUENCERS.
DANNY
I’VE GOT INVITES, INSIGHTS
I’M CALLING ALL THE SHOTS IT’S A NEW DAY WITH OUR SAY AND WE WILL NOT BE BOUGHT!
THE BEST PART IS, WE’RE STARTIN’ WITH NOTHIN’ TO CONCEAL IT’S OUR CHANCE TO ADVANCE CUZ FROM NOW ON WE CAN BE—
DANNY is interrupted by two PRODUCERS.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
Hey… Danny, right? Didn’t know you’d be here!
VETERAN PRODUCER
Congrats on all of your success so far. And hey, you’ve got your first directing job now!
DANNY
Thank you! Yeah, everyone’s in for Sunday, except Cat.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
Well, we need @catkills13. I know her Dad manages everything.
DANNY
I’ll just talk to her.
VETERAN PRODUCER
Anyway, great news: #1660VineLive is fully funded!
DANNY
Really?
$1.5 million bucks.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
VETERAN PRODUCER
Which more than covers any stunts, pranks, gaming streams, makeup tutorials—
DANNY
Wait wait! That’s not real. This is our chance to do something different. Take our platforms away from sponsors, brand managers, agents—
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
Let me get this right. You want to piss off everyone who can help your career? Most people wait until they have a career to do that.
DANNY
But being real is how I convinced everyone to do this in the first place.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
And I get that. And I love that… But you can “be real” on your own dime.
VETERAN PRODUCER (kindly)
What my partner means is your brands are how we secured our budget. That’s what we need for this to work. Just have fun with it, you know? Loosen up a bit.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
No pressure. But it’s the opportunity of a lifetime. Don’t beef it.
VETERAN PRODUCER
We want you to succeed, okay? This is for the best. Now go enjoy the party! We’ll talk. The PRODUCERS walk away. As DANNY spirals, the 1660 VINERS and ENSEMBLE surround him.
EVE / LUNA / C2 (C1 / ROSE / WINEGIRLS)
NOW WE’RE LIVING THE DREAM
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, I’M BEGINNING TO THINK BEING ME SOUNDS COOL!
+ CAT
FEEL THE ANTICIPATION (WE’LL BE REAL…) WE’RE BREAKING THROUGH (TO BE REAL…) TO THE MILLIONS WHO WATCH US BE SOMETHING NEW
DANNY
MAKE IT LOOK EASY, IT’LL BE FINE MAKE IT LOOK EASY, IT’LL BE AL—, IT’LL BE AL—, IT’LL BE AL—
RIGHT!
JUPE / C2 /ROSE / LUNA / CAT (EVE / C1 / WINEGIRLS)
WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL! (CHANNEL AH…)
WHERE YOU’RE ‘BOUT TO SEE THE UNFILTERED ME
DANNY
IT’LL BE ALRIGHT…
JUPE / C2 / ROSE / LUNA / CAT (EVE / C1 / WINEGIRLS) (CONT’D)
GOING LIVE! WELCOME BACK, HERE’S MY HANDLE! (HERE’S MY AH…) A STREAM OF SURPRISE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES!
JUPE
SO LEAN BACK AND TUNE IN, DO YOU FEEL ME?
LUNA
YOU KEEP CLOSE AND I’LL SHOW YOU THE REAL ME!
ALL (EXCEPT DANNY) THE REAL ME!
JUPE / C2 / WINEGIRLS / ROSE AND IT’S ALL THANKS TO DANNY!
YES IT’S ALL THANKS TO DANNY! OH IT’S ALL THANKS TO DANNY!
Yeah, it’s all thanks to me!
CAT / EVE / LUNA / C1
AH! AH! AH!
DANNY
#12A—Welcome Back (Reprise) (Playout)
EVE sits in Luna’s apartment alone. It’s a total mess. She vlogs meditative affirmations.
EVE
I attract serenity, abundance, and joy. What is meant for me will not pass me by. I attract serenity, abundance, and joy. What’s meant for me will not
The apartment door opens and LUNA is momentarily frozen by the mess EVE’s made.
What happened in here?
LUNA
EVE
Oh! Hi roomie! I’ve been dying to ask you a question. About the dishwasher. Specifically, I don’t know how to use it. But I can learn!
LUNA begins to try to clean. EVE tries to help.
(EVE)
I saw this infographic about how accomplishing small things can be good for your mental health—
LUNA
Please don’t touch anything. You’re a human tornado. You’re messing it up. No offense. I’ll just—
(LUNA)
I’ll clean up later.
LUNA heads toward her room.
EVE Wait! I feel that you’re feeling a lot of negative feelings right now. But I can help.
LUNA
Pfft! Um, yeah, no, I’m good.
EVE
C’mon. I’m not gonna, like, hypnotize you… Although I am certified. (then)
Luna—if I’m way off, I won’t bother you again. Ever. For eternity.
Off LUNA’s silent nod, EVE squeals in excitement. She sits LUNA down, takes out a pack of tarot cards, and begins a reading.
(EVE)
(quickly)
Hand on the deck. Deep breath in. Hold it. Exhale. Keep exhaling. Keep exhaling.
(LUNA loses her breath, EVE turns a card)
High Priestess in reverse. Wow.
What’s it mean?
You say “yes” to every opportunity you get cuz who knows when the well dries up, right?
A girl’s gotta eat.
EVE
Right, but what is she eating? A corporate Quarter Pounder with franchise fries? Or a farm-to-table salad that’s actually really healthy for her?
(then)
You’ve been at this for long enough to know what’s good for you. Don’t let the fear of saying “no” keep you from taking a leap.
(LUNA considers; then)
This is part of the mantra that I tell myself every single day. Can I share it with you?
LUNA
Why not.
Eee! Okay, okay, okay.
EVE
(Note: In “Self-Love,” EVE is joined by a dancing ENSEMBLE, dressed eerily similar to her.)
(EVE)
A LONG TIME AGO A WISE WOMAN PENNED “ME, MYSELF, AND I’S ALL I GOT IN THE END” AND I KNOW YOU’RE AFRAID TO SPEAK OUT IN THIS BIZ BUT BEYONCE WAS RIGHT, AS SHE OFTEN IS…
YOU SIT AND WAIT TO CHANGE YOUR FATE, YOU’LL ROT THERE ON THE VINE SO TRY TO SWAY A DIFFERENT WAY A LITTLE MORE LIKE MINE
BREATHE IN, EXHALE YOU’RE HOT, THEY’RE STALE I TELL MY FOLLOWERS: IF YOU’RE NOT LIT IT’S TIME TO QUIT!
JUST RELAX, LET GO, DON’T WAIT, SAY NO THAT’S HOW I GOT THIS HEALTHY GLOW! WHEN I WAS FIVE I ALMOST DIED CUZ MY APPENDIX BURST THAT’S THE DAY I ALWAYS SAY I LEARNED TO PUT MYSELF FIRST
LIFE IS FLEETING THERE’S NO NEED TO LIVE IT AT YOUR WORST! BID THEM ADIEU AND START ANEW DON’T GIVE YOUR SPARK, THEY MISSED THE MARK YOU NEED A PUSH? I’LL GIVE A SHOVE! THINK “IT’S ALL ABOUT ME!” BABY THAT’S THE KEY TO SELF-LOVE! SELF LOVE!
LUNA
Eve this is— So nice— (EVE) SELF–LOVE! SELF–LOVE!
No, I hear you… but I…
(LUNA)
EVE
WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN I MET A CUTE GUY AN ACTOR, A SAGE, WITH A STYLISH EYE HE WAS PASSIONATE, CHARMING, WELL-READ, AND ADULT BUT BEFORE I EVEN KNEW IT, THERE I WAS IN A CULT
I KNEW THESE TYPES OF GROUPS WERE VERY DIFFICULT TO FLEE THEY KEELED THE DAY THAT I REVEALED MY CASE OF LEPROSY!
SO BE BRAVE! BE FIRM! YOU ACT, THEY’LL LEARN MUCH TO OLD FOLKS’S CHAGRIN SELF-LOATHING’S OUT, SELF-CARE IS IN!
JUST THINK BIG! FIND FLOW! CUT TIES! YOU’LL GROW! AND FANS WILL FOLLOW, I SHOULD KNOW!
AT BOARDING SCHOOL THEY HAD A RULE: NO SKIRTS ABOVE THE KNEE GOD FORBID YOU WEREN’T HID YOU’D GET THE THIRD DEGREE I SUED ON GROUNDS OF GENDER BIAS AND MADE HISTORY
ENSEMBLE SHE SAID NO WAY…
(EVE) NOT TODAY… (ENSEMBLE) NOT TODAY!
(EVE) STAND TALL! PRESS POST! THEY’LL FROWN, WE’LL TOAST! MY MANTRA STAYS THE SAME: YOU CHOOSE YOURSELF, YOU SLAY THE GAME!
(EVE)
JUST RELEASE! BEGIN! YOU’RE BOUND TO WIN IT MAY SEEM RADICAL TO SOME…
BUT IT’S ALL ABOUT ME AND IT’S TIME TO BE FREE LIKE, LITERALLY!
GIRL IT’S SIMPLE TO SEE YOU’RE THE PRIORITY!
THINK IT’S ALL ABOUT ME THAT’S THE KEY TO SELF-LOVE!
SELF-LOVE!
SELF-LOVE!
SELF-LOVE!
ACT 2 - SCENE 3: 1660 VINE - ROSE’S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
CHANCE TWO sits as ROSE packs a suitcase.
Can you believe it?
ROSE
CHANCE TWO
So what happened? Some label reached out?
ROSE
Not some label. The Nashville label that I always talk about. The A&R guy emailed me out of the blue… and they changed their mind! They want to sign me to a deal! And they’re going to release “Rodanthe” as a single!
CHANCE TWO
That’s amazing Rose! So now what?
ROSE
I’m flying home to get the rest of my stuff, and then to Nashville to meet with the label. And get this, they want me to stay there to record my debut album! Thirteen originals.
CHANCE TWO
Like, stay stay?
ROSE
Yes. But don’t tell anyone. For now, the only people who know are you and my parents.
CHANCE TWO
I’m so proud of you. You deserve this more than anyone. And Nashville! I wouldn’t say I had it in mind, but I could do Nashville! I love barbecue.
ROSE
Chance… I’m going alone. A beat. CHANCE TWO turns away.
CHANCE TWO (CONT’D)
And it’s the perfect excuse to take a break from you-know-who—
Cuz no matter where we are, life’s better when we’re together—
(ROSE)
CAN WE KEEP THIS SIMPLE AND SWEET? CAN WE REMEMBER THE GOOD? NO USE STICKING AROUND IN A PLACE I’VE OUTGROWN
AND I’M GRATEFUL THAT FATE HAD US MEET BUT YOU MISUNDERSTOOD SO I’LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH FOR A LONG TIME I’VE KNOWN I’M ALREADY GONE ALREADY THROUGH ALREADY STARTING OVER, NEW
WHEN YOU’RE CHASING YOUR DREAMS, OH IT’S BEST THAT YOU KEEP MOVIN’ ON
I’M GONE, GONE, GONE ALREADY GONE
CHANCE TWO
Rose, I always wanted you to follow your dreams. I just thought that… A beat.
… nevermind… CHANCE TWO exits.
EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES DOESN’T MEAN I WON’T TRY SURE BEATS WISHIN’ AND WAITIN’ AND TAKIN’ IT SLOW
DON’T YOU KNOW I CAN DO AS I PLEASE? ON MY OWN I CAN FLY ALL I NEED’S THIS GUITAR AND THEN I’M GOOD TO GO!
CUZ I’M ALREADY GONE ALREADY FINE KNOWING EACH CHOICE I MAKE IS MINE!
I’M NOT LOSING SLEEP NO I GOT TO KEEP MOVING ON
I’M ALREADY GONE WHO CAN SAY IF THE SPIRIT THAT MOVES ME WILL FADE AWAY IN TIME? ALL I KNOW IS TODAY I AM TAKING THE CLIMB! I’M GONE!
I’M ALREADY GONE I’LL KEEP MOVIN’ ON I’LL KEEP MOVIN’ ON! I AM GONE!
GONE, GONE, GONE, GONE…
I’M ALREADY— ROSE exits.
ACT 2 - SCENE 4: 1660 VINE POOL -DAY
OPTIONAL DIALOGUE: INFLUENCERS reacting to Chance Two getting dumped, then later reacting to the Chances’ break-up.
CHANCE ONE enters, busy on his phone.
CHANCE ONE
Why’re you sulking by the pool? Swim coach didn’t show up?
CHANCE TWO
Rose just broke up with me.
CHANCE ONE
(covering, as if surprised)
What… ? Oh woah, no…
CHANCE TWO
Yeah, she got her big break. Which is great, but I’m— I don’t know what to feel—
CHANCE ONE
It had nothing to do with you. You’re a catch! You’ll get back out there in no time. And maybe in a year, you’ll be happy Rose ran off to Nashville.
CHANCE TWO is taken aback at that. He stops sulking. He stares at CHANCE ONE.
CHANCE TWO
How do you know she’s going to Nashville? She hasn’t told anyone else. (realizing)
Did you have something to do with this?
CHANCE ONE
(comes clean)
I reached out to that label in Nashville and promised them free advertisement during #1660VineLive if they signed Rose. And I pretended to be Danny so Rose wouldn’t get suspicious. Wanna hear my Danny voice? It’s actually pretty good.
(pretending to be Danny)
“Be real!”
(off CHANCE TWO’s silence)
What? You told me to make friends!
CHANCE TWO
Chance, this is not a prank. I loved her.
CHANCE ONE
We are not here to fall in love! We are here to produce content. I did what was best for @CousinsByChance.
CHANCE TWO
You are no longer my cousin. I don’t even know what you are anymore. You’re like Satan, but with boring hair and vape breath and no comedic timing.
CHANCE ONE (calmly)
Right, you’re mad. But Cousins Are Always Cousins. And we have been since Day One—
CHANCE TWO
Well, I never want to see your cousin-face again. I’m done.
CHANCE ONE (reacts)
You can’t be done. I already kicked you out of @CousinsByChance!
CHANCE TWO
No you did—
CHANCE ONE
I just did! And I’m moving out, and I’m going to that Content House without you.
CHANCE TWO Great.
CHANCE ONE Great!
ENSEMBLE MEMBERS now film this fight. The CHANCES continue to jinx each other:
CHANCE ONE
Whatever— I’ll be fine— Stop that.
CHANCE TWO
Whatever— I’ll be fine— Stop that.
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO
(to the OTHERS, at the same time)
Stop filming!
(a beat)
CHANCE TWO
You know, you’ll never have any real friends if you keep it up.
CHANCE ONE
(with nothing else to say)
See ya, Two.
CHANCE ONE exits.
ACT 2 - SCENE 5: 1660 VINE - COMMON SPACE - NIGHT
CAT is asleep in her chair. DANNY enters. He tries to wake her up gingerly.
Hey. Hey Cat.
DANNY
CAT
(still half-asleep, yells)
Die! Die!
(re: the game)
I’m already dead? What the hell?
(to DANNY)
Was I out… ? Dang. I was gonna push this Nine-Hour Energy Drink to run duos with a Cambodian Prince!
DANNY
Look, I really need you to do #1660VineLive. The producers can build you any set-up you want. They’re relying on you to hit their numbers.
CAT
Busy every weekend until June. Got a junior tournament this weekend.
DANNY
You’re one of the biggest streamers in the world. Why do you play in junior tournaments?
CAT
I like the trophies. Plus, these eight-year-olds are getting really good. Can’t lose my edge.
DANNY
Come on, Cat, you’re doing great. You’ll be fine even if this all goes bad…
(then)
Is it cuz your Dad won’t let you?
CAT
Why does everyone think my Dad manages me? I manage him. Dad’s got a bit of a blackjack problem. Cuz of him, I have to go and be the face of oatmeal in Bangkok.
That’s awful.
No, that’s business, noob. You have no clue how the world works, do you?
(Note: In “The Gameplan,” ENSEMBLE MEMBERS take on video game enemies that CAT has to face. At some point during the number, DANNY drops the Rubik’s Cube.)
DO YOU THINK THAT GOD PUSHED A CAKE IN YOUR FACE SO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WILL JUST FALL INTO PLACE? THAT IF YOU HOLD AN ACE, YOU’RE WINNING?
NO, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING JUST CUZ YOUR HEAD’S ABOVE WATER DON’T MEAN IT’S SAFE TO STOP SWIMMING SO YOU THOUGHT THAT WE GOT ONE SHOT AND IF WE HIT THE JACKPOT WE’RE FOREVER GRINNING? NOT!
THE HEADACHES, LOGISTICS, STATISTICS ONLY GET MORE COMPLICATED WITH FAME THE BUDGETS, THE CONTACTS, CONTRACTS THEY’RE A PERMANENT PART OF THE GAME
THERE AIN’T A FINAL BOSS I COULD BEAT TO END THIS NO LOOT BOX OF TOOLS TO MEND THIS MY FUTURE AIN’T RANDOM, IT’S MAPPED OUT ACCORDING TO PLAN THE GAMEPLAN
THE MORE I PLAY, THE MORE I WIN THE MORE I WIN, THE MORE I EARN THE MORE I EARN, THE MORE I LEARN THAT I HAVE TO WIN AGAIN CUZ WITHOUT A LONG-TERM STRATEGY A PRODIGY BECOMES A TRAGEDY SO I ALWAYS PLAY MY HAND ACCORDING TO THE GAMEPLAN
“OH CAT I’M SO SORRY ‘BOUT YOUR DADDY DOES IT MAKE YOU SAD WHEN HE SPENDS YOUR EARNINGS ON A LI’L BADDIE? OR WHEN HE GOES ALL IN ON A WHIM AND THEN HE BLOWS IT ALL AGAIN LIKE YOU’RE AN A.T.M.?
I’M SURE IT HURTS THAT YOUR MOMMA DON’T CALL CUZ SHE THINKS YOU DON’T CARE CUZ YOU’RE ALWAYS LOGGED IN I BET IT’S TOUGH THAT YOU TALK TO A HUNDRED OTHER KIDS EVERY DAY BUT YOU NEVER MAKE A FRIEND”
SO WHAT IF MY MOM IS AN NPC I CAN’T JUST RAGE-QUIT FOR SYMPATHY AND I CAN NEVER BE DOWN, IF I’M LEVELING UP AND UP, AND UP, AND UP
THE MORE I PLAY, THE MORE I WIN THE MORE I WIN, THE MORE I MAKE THE MORE I MAKE THE SYSTEM TAKES AND THROWS AWAY
BUT I WON’T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS ME IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT NEEDS ME THIS IS THE GAME PREARRANGE AND I WON’T LET IT BEAT ME SO I GOT TO PLAY MY HAND ACCORDING TO THE GAMEPLAN CAT puts her headphones back on. So, no. I can’t help you.
DANNY
It’s really easy to tell people that you’re just following this “plan.” But you’re the one logging on every day, and without you, the “plan” falls apart. I don’t know why I thought you’d help me if you won’t even help yourself.
I WAS FIVE WHEN I WAS HANDED A CONTROLLER NOW I’M THIRTEEN SO WHY DO I FEEL A MILLION YEARS OLDER?
I’VE ALWAYS PLAYED, I’VE ALWAYS WON BUT WAS I EVEN HAVING FUN? I CAN’T REMEMBER
CAN’T REMEMBER HOW IT FELT TO PACK ARENAS FULL OF FANS
CAN’T REMEMBER IF I EVER SAW MY PARENTS IN THE STANDS
CAN’T REMEMBER IF A SINGLE CHOICE WAS EVER IN MY HANDS
AM I JUST A PART OF THE GAMEPLAN?
CAT notices the Rubik’s Cube, and picks it up. Begins to fiddle with it.
ACT 2 - SCENE 6: 1660 VINE - DANNY & JUPE’S APARTMENTNIGHT
JUPE, LUNA and EVE prepare for #1660VineLive. They’re excited. DANNY enters.
LUNA
Hey Danny! I just sent you the final draft of what I’m gonna be saying tomorrow.
EVE
And I texted you all the deets for my self-love tutorial… I can’t believe it’s all happening!
JUPE
Bro, you’re gonna love this poem! It’s everything I’ve been trying to express—
DANNY
Stop, stop! Jupe, you’re doing a stunt. Luna, your script is going to Producers for approval. And nobody can go after sponsors.
LUNA What? EVE Since when?
JUPE
Bro, the whole point of this is to not do a stunt. Poetry is the real me.
DANNY
You’re not a real poet. (catches himself)
I mean, not yet…
LUNA
I’m not gonna just read some script your Producers approve.
DANNY
Well, you all signed contracts.
This wasn’t the deal!
LUNA
EVE
Yeah, Danny, what the heck—
Can you just calm down, please?
LUNA
“Calm down?” Makes sense that girl threw a cake in your face. I’m out.
LUNA leaves.
EVE
If I still practiced witchcraft, you’d be so hexed right now.
EVE exits. It’s just JUPE and DANNY.
Look, Jupe, we have to do it this way. I know it’s not ideal but we’ll make it work. One last stunt. Okay?
JUPE nods to himself. And leaves.
ACT 2 - SCENE 7: 1660 VINE - ROOFTOP - NIGHT
OPTIONAL DIALOGUE: INFLUENCERS and other RESIDENTS talking about #1660VineLive.
DANNY stands alone on the rooftop. He stares out at the Hollywood sign. RENEE approaches.
RENEE
Nice view, huh?
DANNY
Yeah.
RENEE
This how you imagined it?
DANNY
(shakes his head)
Back home, I used to look at pictures of the Hollywood sign. I thought it totally lit up the sky. But now that I see it in person… it’s just kind of… there. And dark.
(sighing; then)
Everyone hates me, right?
RENEE
Danny, just because they’re upset doesn’t mean they hate you. And you are definitely not the first person to get famous and let your friends down. You made a mistake. But that doesn’t define you.
DANNY
(re: Emily)
It actually does with one person. She’s not here, though.
RENEE
That girl who broke your heart? Well, there’ll always be time for an apology.
(off his silence)
Did I ever tell you how I got here? To Vine? I used to be an actress.
DANNY
Really?
What, you think I moved to LA to be a building manager? I worked a lot in my twenties. Back then, it was just me and some friends from school. All reaching for the same prize.
(Note: In “One in a Million,” RENEE’s visions of her old life play out in front of her.)
I STILL REMEMBER WE WERE DRIVING DOWN THE INTERSTATE WITH NOTHING BUT OUR DREAMS OF FAME AND ALL THE REST COULD WAIT
WE MADE IT TO LOS ANGELES HAPPY, FREE AND POOR AND WE FAKED EACH OTHERS RESUMES
SO WE MIGHT GET IN THE DOOR
HEADSHOTS IN THE ALLEYWAY WITH THE LENSES THAT WE STOLE— BORROWED… FROM THE STUDENT FILMS THAT DIDN’T PAY OH, WE’D TAKE ANY ROLE TO BE ONE IN A MILLION
NO MORE WAITING ON THAT DREAM NO MORE GETTING TOLD WE’RE GREEN WE’D BE ONE IN A MILLION IF WE WORKED AND RAN THE RACE WE’D BE SURE TO FIND OUR PLACE
TIME WENT BY I WAS FLYIN’ HIGH POISED TO REACH THE TOP WITH AN AGENT AND A MANAGER WHO SWORE I WOULDN’T FLOP
THREE INDIE FILMS, TWO CO-STARS AND ONE PILOT THAT GOT DROPPED BUT I MADE THE RIGHT CONNECTIONS AND THE PARTIES NEVER STOPPED
WHEN FRIENDS WOULD CALL, I’D PRESS IGNORE AT DRINKS WITH HBO
HAD BIGGER NAMES TO PICK UP FOR AND BIGGER NAMES TO KNOW
TO BE ONE IN A MILLION IF YOU WANNA CATCH A BREAK GOTTA DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BE ONE IN A MILLION
LINING UP MY CARDS JUST RIGHT I WOULD SEE MY NAME IN LIGHTS AND EVERYBODY SAYS THE ODDS ARE SLIM TO NONE BUT I WAITED, I WAS READY FOR THE CALL TO TELL ME MY TIME HAD COME
BUT IT NEVER CAME AND THE MEET-AND-GREETS GOT FEWER AND THEY MOVED ALONG TO NEWER BRIGHTER FACES AND I TURNED THIRTY-NINE LAST MAY SO I THOUGHT I’D SPEND THE DAY WITH THE PEOPLE WHO KNEW ME FROM THE START
SO I SEARCHED UP SOME OLD FRIENDS AND I CALLED TO MAKE AMENDS BUT IT RANG AND RANG AND NO ONE PICKED UP THE OTHER END
I WAS LEFT TO PLAY MY PART… MY PART!
I WAS ONE IN A MILLION, OH IN A MILLION, OH
NOW HERE YOU ARE CRUISING ALONG THE FAST TRACK TO FAME BUILDING BRANDS, IMPRESSING FANS YOU’RE WINNING AT THE GAME
GOT WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED A DREAM TO CALL YOUR OWN SO WHY DOES IT FEEL SO WRONG TO LOVE THE LIFE YOU’VE GROWN?
(RENEE)
YOUR FRIENDS ARE WALKING OUT THE DOOR IS THIS WHAT YOU CAME HERE FOR? TO BE…
DO YOU WANNA BE ONE IN A MILLION? OOH…
You’re right. That Hollywood sign is just… there. But it still means something to a lot of people.
(then; off DANNY’s stare)
And it isn’t going anywhere tonight. So get some sleep, okay? Big day tomorrow.
Thanks, Renee.
RENEE exits. DANNY pulls out his phone. Replays EMILY’s voicemail message.
Danny, it’s enough. Okay? Just take the video down. And we’ll talk.
Thinks about it. But puts his phone away.
#16A—Underscore: Podcast 3
The VLOGGERS appear.
VLOGGER 1
All set for #1660VineLive! I have no clue what to expect.
VLOGGER 2
Apparently it’s been drama, drama, drama putting this together.
VLOGGER 3
They trusted these kids with $1.5 million dollars?
VLOGGER 4
I’m mostly interested in how these influencers deconstruct the idea of “real.”
VLOGGER 5
So excited to see Danny and his friends! Let’s do this!
VLOGGERS 1-5
5… 4… 3… 2…
ACT 2 - SCENE 9: #1660VINELIVE - NIGHT
OPTIONAL DIALOGUE: An ANNOUNCER who introduces characters as they enter. Audience members cheering, reacting.
ONSTAGE
#1660VineLive occurs on a colorful stage. The backdrop is a sign which reads BE REAL. Several screens surround the stage, upon which virtual viewers tune in. DANNY enters the stage.
DANNY
What’s up everyone! I’m @therealdannytells and this is #1660VineLive. Tonight, we give you a look into what goes on in the home of social media’s stars. We’ll show you another side of the influencer life, what it’s like to be us. The real us.
BACKSTAGE
DANNY runs offstage to the SCHMOOZY PRODUCER.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
(into phone)
Just tell me that you’re on the way. Bye. (to DANNY)
Sorry, my co-producer is running late. Kid has a piano recital. Where’s @lunalooks0_0?
DANNY
I don’t think she’s coming.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
Her numbers are actually trending down lately. All good. As long as we have Cat.
DANNY
We don’t.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
Guess my kids aren’t going to college… Oh well. Let’s do this, I guess.
STAGE MANAGER (into headset)
Go to @EveNoTrace.
ONSTAGE
EVE appears, ready to do a makeup tutorial.
EVE
Hey everyone! So excited to do my perfect self-love makeup tutorial. And look at who I’ll be beautifying today!
EVE reveals LUNA, who sits in the makeup chair. LUNA’s wearing a full face of makeup already.
BACKSTAGE
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER and DANNY look confused.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
I thought you said—
(covering)
Yeah, no. It’s a collab now. I knew that.
DANNY
ONSTAGE
EVE takes off LUNA’s makeup during her monologue. They both speak to camera.
EVE
Sometimes self-love requires an un-makeup tutorial. While I get this gunk off your face, you wanna tell us what it’s like to be @lunalooks0_0?
LUNA
Sure! Well, most companies I work with are obsessed with trying to look woke. So they overpay models like me to talk about how woke and inclusive they are, which is super problematic.
EVE
After wipes, use an oil cleanser to get the extra sticky stuff off.
LUNA
And yet, our followers are still lining up to help them. There are millions of people out there, kids, who over-edit their posts, and alter angles, and post crazy revealing pics to match an unhealthy and ever-changing beauty standard.
EVE
Flat cotton pads, not balls.
This, along with many other reasons, is why I hope you’ll join us in unfollowing and reporting any accounts that promote virtue signaling, race-fishing, body-distorting, and face-tuning. Just follow the accounts that make you feel good. Because you, just as you, are perfect.
EVE
We can do little things every day to positively affect our mental health. Like moisturize. Exfoliate. Or call out toxic corporations for corrupting generations of young people before they have the chance to corrupt themselves. (then)
This has been another perfect tutorial with your fave roomies!
Well, that was… interesting. (to DANNY)
So who’s next?
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
You mean, we’re gonna keep going?
DANNY
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
It’s called “live” for a reason, kid.
CHANCE TWO enters backstage, wearing a reptilian costume, as Caliban. He hands DANNY the Norton Shakespeare.
CHANCE TWO
Page 1769, lines 130 to 138, and if I get lost, feed me.
Where’s the funny one?
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
He’s right here, and he’s going solo.
CHANCE TWO
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
So this is, like, a prank?
CHANCE TWO
No. It’s very serious. Nelli, let’s go!
NELLI enters behind him wearing an airy spirit costume, as Ariel. Shrugs, to DANNY:
I’m under contract for one more Shakespeare video. I’ve had worse deals.
CHANCE TWO goes onstage with NELLI.
#16C—Underscore: Shakespeare Vlog
ONSTAGE
As CHANCE TWO performs, NELLI dances behind him.
CHANCE TWO
(in character)
“Be not afeard. The isle is full of noises/Sounds, and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not—”
Forgetting his line, CHANCE TWO looks to DANNY, who prompts from backstage:
DANNY
“Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments/Will hum about mine ears…”
BACKSTAGE
(CHANCE TWO)
“Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments/Will hum about mine ears…”
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER pulls DANNY aside.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
Hey Danny, quick sidebar… (cont’d)
(unhappy)
What is happening?!
He asked me to help.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
Get rid of the lizard and go to Rose. We know she works. (off DANNY’s hesitation)
Now!
(off DANNY’s reluctant nod; into headset)
Cue Nashville.
As CHANCE TWO continues his monologue, a livestream video of ROSE appears on screen.
Hey! It’s Rose, streaming live from Nashville. I wish I could be there with my friends in 1660 Vine, but I know they’re so excited for this new chapter. Are you ready for the premiere of my music video! Let’s hear it!
The music video for “Rodanthe” begins to play. CHANCE TWO stares at her image, crestfallen. He exits, dragging his tail. NELLI helps carry it.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER looks at his phone.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
This is a disaster. We’re never gonna hit our numbers.
CAT
(entering)
Says who?
RENEE follows CAT, joining the group backstage. CAT tosses DANNY the finished Rubik’s Cube.
Harder than it looks. But satisfying. Good game. Where’s the stage?
DANNY
That way.
CAT
Cool.
CAT exits the backstage area, toward the stage.
(into headset)
So Cat, then Jupe, then Danny for the close-out.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER (to DANNY)
I thought you said Cat was out! This is huge for us.
DANNY
I know, right?
(sotto to RENEE)
How did you get her to come here?
RENEE (sotto)
I didn’t. She asked me to come. Must’ve been something you said to her.
CAT stands alone on stage.
Hi world. So, I’ve been thinking about what it means to “be real.” I think that means tell the truth, right? Well, the truth is… I’m exhausted guys. I’m losing my eyesight from staring at screens for sixteen hours a day. I haven’t been to school since third grade. And it’s all because my brand controls my life. But today, I’m taking control of the controller. And my first move? I quit. I quit streaming. I quit gaming. Well, maybe not quit quit. But I’m gonna go live at my Mom’s. And yeah, I’m going to middle school. Oh, and Dad… you’re fired.
BACKSTAGE
DANNY watches in horror. The VETERAN PRODUCER arrives… just in time.
VETERAN PRODUCER
Hey. I had to take Sparrow out for ice cream. He was brilliant.
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
Your son’s name is Sparrow?
DANNY (apologetically)
I’m sorry. I swear I tried to get everyone to do what they’re known for! But they didn’t listen!
VETERAN PRODUCER
“Sorry?” Why? I’m gonna remodel my house! We just eclipsed fifty million viewers.
DANNY (to SCHMOOZY PRODUCER)
But you said—
SCHMOOZY PRODUCER
(looking at phone)
Looks like it was mostly Cat’s creepy gamer kids, but sure. Kudos Danny.
DANNY
I thought you guys said we weren’t gonna hit our numbers if we were being real. With no makeup tutorials, no gaming, no pranks—
Truth is, it doesn’t really matter what any of you do. You’re here to bring fifty million followers to come look at ads and buy stuff, so that we all make money.
(kindly, to DANNY)
You’re not far off about “being real.” There’s value to that kind of honesty with your audience. But you should be careful about when you’re real, and what you’re real about. It can go wrong pretty quickly.
STAGE MANAGER
Jupe’s on deck, and then you, Danny.
DANNY
Wait! Maybe Jupe doesn’t have to do a stunt now. Since you hit your numbers, he can do a poem. And I can take down—
A poem? With this many viewers? Not happening. This is what people are here to see.
STAGE MANAGER
(off a resigned DANNY; into headset)
Cue @JupeStunts.
High above the 1660 Vine pool, JUPE looks out at a tightrope stretching from one part of the roof to another. He steps out onto it.
(Note: In “Leap of Faith,” JUPE performs a movement routine on a “tightrope,” although this can be represented through lighting and staging. ENSEMBLE looks up at JUPE, joining in with movement and voice during the song.)
I’M ON THE EDGE OF TRUE REVOLUTION I THOUGHT I WAS LOST BUT I FOUND A SOLUTION I’LL GIVE THEM A SHOW I’LL DRAW OUT THE TENSION MILK THE SUSPENSE AND I’LL RAKE IN THE MENTIONS MAKE ‘EM FEEL BREATHLESS FROZEN IN TIME STEP AFTER STEP I’M APPROACHING MY PRIME
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE STUNTMAN SEE MY BODY ON THE LINE CUZ JUPE’S GOT ONE STUNT BIG ENOUGH TO LEAVE ALL STUNTS BEHIND YOU’LL BE HAPPY YOU WERE LOOKING UP FROM HOLLYWOOD AND VINE WHEN I CHANGED MY FATE IT ONLY TAKES A LITTLE LEAP OF FAITH A LITTLE LEAP OF FAITH IF ALL GOES TO PLAN AND I LAND THIS ONE MOVE I’M DONE WITH THE DANCIN’ I’M SWITCHIN’ THE GROOVE
I’LL GIVE MY EXCLUSIVE ALL OVER THE NEWS THEN FALLON AND KIMMEL WITH MILLIONS OF VIEWS
AND WATCH AS MY AUDIENCE OPENS UP WIDE HEAR ALL OF MY WORDS AS THEY GO AMPLIFIED BY ALL OF Y’ALL FOLLOWIN’ ME EVERY STRIDE RETWEETING THE SPARKS I RELEASE FROM INSIDE
SO KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE STUNTMAN NOW HE’S THE MAIN EVENT SO ELEGANT, SO CONFIDENT HE’S MOVING WITH INTENT FOR THE CHANCE TO TELL HIS STORY AND THE GLORY THAT AWAITS I’LL CHANGE MY FATE IT ONLY TAKES…
I HEAR ‘EM CLAP, I HEAR ‘EM YELL I HEAR A VOICE INSIDE MYSELF SAY “THIS IS FOR ME AND NOBODY ELSE… ” SO FOCUS ON THE FUTURE, JUPE DON’T THINK ABOUT THE DROP WELL OF COURSE IT TAKES SOME FORCE FOR A BODY IN MOTION TO STOP THEN I’M HEADED STRAIGHT UP TO THE TOP!
A LEAP OF FAITH IT TAKES A LEAP OF FAITH A LITTLE LEAP OF FAITH IT TAKES A LEAP OF FAITH
JUPE tries to jump across the last part of tightrope. He misses, falling into darkness. We hear a loud SPLASH. Blackout.
Five VLOGGERS react to #1660VineLive.
VLOGGER 2
Jupe is in the hospital after he fell into the 1660 Vine pool during the tightrope stunt that Danny forced him to do. While he’s lucky to have only suffered a broken leg, there’s speculation that his injury might be the end of his stunt career. If you are still shaken by what you saw on #1660VineLive, you can use the code #PrayersUpToJupe for 10% off your first month of therapy at Better Help.
VLOGGER 4
I’m so proud of Luna and Eve! It was empowering to see them rise above their brands and make a statement about their industries.
VLOGGER 5
Okay, hi! Is Cat, like, okay? I had no idea she was a literal child.
VLOGGER 3
It was painful to see Chance Two try to be funny without Chance One. I’d run off stage crying too. At least Rose’s song was good. Can’t believe they used to date.
VLOGGER 1
So, we got to see what the influencers in 1660 Vine are really like. Well, except Danny, who was slated to close out the event before Jupe’s accident ended the livestream prematurely. While there were a few moments of authenticity, the entire experience felt overproduced, over-curated, and overshadowed by Danny’s betrayal of Jupe. I wonder who else he’s betrayed.
SCENE
CHANCE TWO is reading the Norton Shakespeare.
CHANCE TWO
“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”
CHANCE ONE enters the room.
CHANCE ONE
He’s right here. Back where he belongs, baby.
CHANCE TWO
“Wherefore” means “why,” idiot.
CHANCE ONE
Oh, you wanna know why? Those amateurs in the Content House couldn’t handle my aspirational work ethic and had the audacity to kick me out for being “too dictatorial.”
CHANCE TWO
If the shoe fits…
CHANCE ONE
Shove it. I’ve got a bunch of thoughts for our next slate of @CousinsByChance content.
CHANCE TWO
What? There is no @CousinsByChance.
CHANCE ONE
Oh? Did I miss something? What else do you have going on? Do you have a resume? Or general skills? No?… Yeah… you suck
CHANCE TWO
No, you suck
CHANCE ONE
(a beat; then)
Do you remember the first vlog we ever made? When you pulled the fire alarm at Chili’s—
CHANCE TWO (fondly)
And you started screaming, “That’s-a-spicy Chili’s!”
CHANCE ONE
We used to have fun together. In the way beginning. Before—
CHANCE TWO
We’re not like that anymore.
CHANCE ONE
Yeah wow, okay, this is a really convincing performance. But we both know how this is gonna end. Because you need me, just as much as I… as much as I… need you. So…
CHANCE ONE grabs CHANCE TWO’s guitar. He strums the first chords of “Second Chance.”
#18—Second Chance
TWO COUSINS… (off CHANCE TWO’s silence)
TWO COUSINS…
CHANCE TWO
No, come on. Do we really have to do this again?
CHANCE ONE
Sing. Just sing. Please?… I mean— it’s what we do best. Right? Partner?
CHANCE TWO, resigned, grabs the guitar and begins to play.
CHANCE TWO
TWO COUSINS CAME FROM NOTHING ‘COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING BUT YOU, SCREWED IT UP
CHANCE ONE SCREWED IT UP
CHANCE TWO
YOU SCREWED IT UP
SO DID YOU
I SCREWED IT UP
CHANCE ONE
CHANCE TWO
CHANCE ONE SCREWED IT UP
CHANCE TWO
WE SCREWED IT UP I AM A FAILURE, I’M A JOKE
CHANCE ONE
I THINK I AM JUST TOO WOKE
CHANCE TWO
WHAT? NO. YOU ARE UNIVERSALLY DESPISED YOU MAKE THE POPE WANT TO GET REBAPTISED
CHANCE ONE FUNNY. TWO COUSINS BUILT AN EMPIRE
CHANCE TWO THEN IT CAUGHT FIRE AND WE COULDN’T SURVIVE TOGETHER
CHANCE ONE BUT WE CAN’T SURVIVE APART
CHANCE TWO AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO MAKE ART?
CHANCE ONE DUDE. IT’S NOT ART, IT’S FRICKIN’ YOUTUBE IT’S VLOGS FOR TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS
CHANCE TWO IS NOT IS NOT IS NOT IS NOT (CHANCE ONE) IS TOO IS TOO IS TOO IS NOT
IS NOT
(CHANCE TWO)
CHANCE ONE
(mocking CHANCE TWO) IS NOT! IS NOT! IS NOT! IS NOT! AH!
(CHANCE ONE) WHY AM I BACK HERE? CHAINED TO SHAKESPEARE HOPELESS AND OUT OF LUCK NOW I’M STUCK
CHANCE TWO
I’M A 20-SOMETHING, GOOD FOR NOTHING, PUNCHING BAG OF MY OLDER COUSIN AND I THINK I’M GONNA STAY THAT WAY
MAYBE IT’S MY VICE, TO SIT BACK AND PLAY NICE NOW I”M STUCK
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO AW… SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
OH MAN I HATE YOU BUT I CAN’T ESCAPE YOU AND WE’RE TRAPPED IN HELL TOGETHER BUT WE KNOW THERE’S NOTHING BETTER CAN’T BE WITH NO ONE ELSE THIS IS THE HAND WE’RE DEALT
CHANCE ONE
A LONER, LOSER, THEATER KID
CHANCE TWO
A NARCISSISTIC HYPOCRITE
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO SCREW YOU!
CHANCE ONE
DIFF’RENT MOTHERS, DIFFERENT FATHERS
CHANCE TWO
THOUGHT WE WERE BROTHERS BUT WE’RE JUST COUSINS GUESS THAT MEANS NOTHIN’
CHANCE ONE
BUT WE CAN STILL MAKE MONEY AT COUSINS BY CHANCE
CHANCE ONE / CHANCE TWO
COUSINS BY CHANCE
COUSINS BY CHANCE (in synch) CRAP.
ACT 2 - SCENE 13: 1660 VINE - DANNY & JUPE’S APARTMENTEVENING
DANNY sits on the couch, scrolling on his phone. The lights are off. A key turns, and JUPE enters. He’s got a cast on his leg and he uses crutches.
JUPE
(turns on light)
Yo yo! Why you in the dark man!
DANNY
Jupe! I didn’t know you were coming today. I’m so sorry— I tried to reach you—
JUPE
I know. I got all your messages. Thanks.
DANNY
(a beat)
So, what’ve you been up to?
JUPE
I was actually just checking out houses. Found a pad up in the hills. If I’m gonna be a poet, I gotta be able to look over the city, y’know?
DANNY
You’re moving out?
JUPE
Yep. Get this. My follower count went up five million on every platform. Kept all my sponsors, plus added a few more. Couldn’t’ve planned it better, honestly…
(off DANNY’s reaction)
Listen, I had to rewrite the narrative. But the only way to do that was…
DANNY
Did you want to fall?
JUPE
I didn’t mean to hurt myself that bad. But hey, no more stunts! Now I get to do poetry for followers who actually wanna hear it. I got a book deal, bro!
DANNY
These new followers aren’t gonna stick with you! You know that. They’ll just be waiting for the next “stunt that goes wrong.”
JUPE
But the one percent who does stick with me will wanna listen to what I gotta say now.
DANNY
You could’ve died!
JUPE
Okay. Yeah. If I could go back and do it again, I’d do it different. But I panicked. (then)
I’m sorry I scared everyone. That was wrong. I just didn’t think I could take it anymore.
DANNY
(a beat)
You gonna be okay?
JUPE
Think so. I’m talking to a therapist about it all. Used my own 10% Off Code, too. #PrayersUpToMe.
DANNY
That’s good. I hope it works out for you. Really.
JUPE gets up, begins to exit. Then stops himself.
JUPE
Hey, what were you gonna do to “be real” or whatever?
DANNY
I was gonna try to hit the reset button. But it was too late for that. Honestly, I’m not the one to tell people how to be real. I guess I never did find my brand.
JUPE
Maybe that’s a good thing. Good luck, “Daniel from the Bible.”
JUPE exits, leaving DANNY on his own.
ACT 2 - SCENE 14: 1660 VINE - LUNA & EVE’S APARTMENTAFTERNOON
LUNA and EVE watch the playback of their Vine Live “un-makeup tutorial.”
You were amazing!
EVE
LUNA
We were amazing. You were right, it feels good to do stuff that’s actually “good for me.”
EVE
And I’m always putting myself first. It’s a nice change to direct the self-love to others.
LUNA
So, I kinda wanna talk to you about something. (then)
My lease is up at the end of the month.
EVE
Are you leaving? Wait, is it cuz I never learned to do dishes? I’ve been practicing!
LUNA
No! I’ve just been thinking about what I wanted when I first moved to Vine. It was about finding my passion. Meeting people. And, like, growing up. I started modeling cuz I thought one day it’d take me to something fulfilling. But it hasn’t.
EVE
Yeah, it’s like, I’m so invested in the next thing that I forget to just be. I don’t remember the last time I felt totally grounded. Except these last few weeks, with you.
LUNA
So maybe this will make sense.
LUNA
NO, SERIOUSLY
CUZ I STAYED UP ALL LAST NIGHT THINKING “GIRL, WHAT WILL YOU BE WHEN YOU’RE OLDER?” YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND I WANT TO SEE WHAT LIFE COULD BE UNFILTERED BY A SCREEN
I WANT TO FEEL THE FREEDOM OF ANONYMITY PIERCE MY NOSE, WEAR BAGGY CLOTHES FAIL AT SOMETHING MISERABLY ‘TIL NOW I’VE LIVED AS SOMEONE WHO WAS NEVER REALLY ME I WANT TO FIND OUT WHO I’M MEANT TO BE
I’LL REBRAND PRESS RESTART FIND MY PLACE WEAR MY SCARS MAKE SPACE FOR THE UNPLANNED I’LL REBRAND
What are you gonna do?
LUNA
Well, first, I need to delete @lunalooks0_0. She’s been holding me back for a while.
EVE
Woah. Isn’t that a bit hasty? Like, look at all the support you have now! You’re okay with leaving all of it behind and starting over?
LUNA
EVE YOU TOLD ME— WAS IT LAST WEEK?
EVE WHAT
LUNA
YOU SAID CHOOSE THE THING THAT’S SCARY IF YOU WANT TO TAKE A LEAP DON’T YOU REMEMBER?
LUNA
CUZ I COULDN’T SLEEP SO PETRIFIED TOMORROW’D HAVE A MOUNTAIN JUST AS STEEP
BUT I’VE GOT TO KNOW WHERE I COULD GO IF I WAS FREE TO BE ONLY LUNA, NOT A SYMBOL FOR A WHOLE COMMUNITY THESE DAYS “HAPPY” MIGHT LOOK DIFF’RENT THAN I THOUGHT AT SEVENTEEN AND I’M ITCHING FOR ADVENTURE TO DISCOVER A NEW DREAM I’LL REBRAND I’LL PRESS RESTART
EVE
FIND A PLACE
LUNA
FIND MY PART MAKE SPACE FOR THE UNPLANNED
EVE HAND IN HAND (discovering)
Luna, I think I’m rebranding too!
LUNA
Wait, really? You mean you’re gonna delete @EveNoTrace?
EVE
Oh! Gosh, no. I understand why you’re doing it but you don’t wanna see what happens to this— (refers to herself)
With no outlet. No, I mean, something else. I’VE ALWAYS BEEN SO SURE OF FLYING SOLO CONTENT TO LOVE MYSELF MORE THAN THE REST I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW GOOD A FRIEND
(EVE)
COULD MAKE YOU FEEL NOW I KNOW THAT LOVING MORE IS BEST I’M LEARNING WHAT’S IMPORTANT IS WHAT’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME
LUNA ALL THE MOMENTS YOU MISS OUT ON WHEN YOU’RE SCROLLING ENDLESSLY
EVE AND NO MATTER WHAT AWAITS US
LUNA
NOW I’M SURE WE WILL SUCCEED
I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU
LUNA TO SEE IT THROUGH
BOTH TOGETHER’S ALL WE NEED WE REBRAND!
EVE PRESS RESTART
LUNA NO MORE IMPOSSIBLE EXPECTATIONS
EVE FIND OUR PLACE
LUNA FIND OUR PART!
EVE NOW IT STARTS!
BOTH SO HAVE NO FEAR THE FUTURE’S BRIGHT
NOW WE’RE HERE
YOU AND I!
WE’LL BE ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!
BOTH
NOW WE’RE LIVING LIVE LUNA
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVE
FOR THE FIRST TIME
FOR THE FIRST TIME
BOTH
DANNY sits, looking at his phone. Lit by the flash and the Hollywood sign behind him, he vlogs.
Three months ago, I was just another teen stuck in my childhood bedroom, dreaming I’d make it to LA one day. Well, here I am in 1660 Vine. Making an apology video to the world. First, I want to say— (then)
What do I want to say?
DANNY turns off the video. Checks his phone. A new voicemail has come in from EMILY.
Danny, this is the last message I’m gonna leave. I don’t know what’s going on. But just say it again. It’s enough. Just take the video down. And maybe we’ll talk.
DANNY thinks to himself. Then:
I’M CALLING, A LITTLE TOO LATE BUT I’M CALLING BACK ON THE GROUND A FLICKER OF FIRE, INSPIRED A DREAM THEN BURNED IT DOWN AND SO I RAN COULDN’T SEE IT FROM THE START CUZ NONE OF THIS WAS PART OF THE PLAN
I MEAN, SOME OF IT WAS, I MEAN, I WANTED FAME, I WANTED VIEWS I WANTED FATE TO CHOOSE ME I THOUGHT I NEEDED SOMETHING NEW TO MOVE ME I BOUGHT IT, I BOUGHT IN,
I FUELED IT AND IT FOOLED ME! FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT WELL I MADE IT AS A FAKE AND NOW I HAVE TO MANAGE ALL THE DAMAGE IN MY WAKE
I WAS ONE IN A MILLION BUT EVERY SUCCESS I WOULD TRADE TO FIX THIS MESS CUZ…
NOW THE DREAM IS DEAD, BUT I MADE THIS BED AND IN THE END, WHO’S WITH ME TONIGHT? JUST A LONELY CELL PHONE LIGHT AND I… I HAVE TO MAKE THIS RIGHT
DANNY reaches for his phone and makes a call.
I’M CALLING, I NEED TO GET THROUGH I’M CALLING, PLEASE, IT’S JUST FOR YOU He gets EMILY’s voicemail.
Hey, it’s Emily. Can’t get to the phone right now, so leave a message. Thanks!
I’M SORRY FOR EVERY SILENCED CALL I’M SORRY FOR EVERY SILENT LIE FOR LETTING THIS ALL GO ON TOO LONG AND NEVER EXPLAINING WHY I TURNED AWAY, I COULDN’T SAY THE WAY I FEEL EMILY, I’M SORRY THAT I COULDN’T BE… REAL
Danny hangs up. We see him sending a text to Renee, Jupe, Luna, Nelli, Rose, Cat, the Chances, @1660WineGirls and Eve. DANNY texts:
Hey, friends… So, I’m leaving Vine. But I want you all to see something. It might explain a few things.
As this vlog “plays,” the characters who DANNY has texted all enter and watch on stage as well.
You’re “busy” spending your gap year in your bedroom watching YouTube all day. I’m “busy” with real things!
DANNY
Like cheating on me? … Enjoy your break-up cake!
But now, the vlog doesn’t end. It continues. The rest of the scene no one has seen.
At some point in the scene, DANNY and EMILY take over the action live on stage.
And cut! That was perfect!
DANNY runs back “on camera” and they kiss.
DANNY (to camera)
Behind the scenes of Break-Up Cake!
EMILY
(taking some icing off DANNY)
Ooh, that icing is good. Lemme turn off the shower.
DANNY picks up her laptop. EMILY exits, and returns with a towel to wipe his face.
DANNY
I still have to add the fake guy singing in the shower, so I’ll upload the video when I get back to my place tomorrow. My Dad says he fixed our Wi-Fi.
That’s good. And thanks for letting me use your account for this. I’m so happy I got myself off the grid. Social media’s overwhelming.
DANNY (typing)
Okay, grandma. What’s the class called again? Media Studies 101?
Yes but don’t write it in the video description. We need people to fall for it. My professor wants to see how many organic views we get. But you have to promise me you’ll delete it after a week? I don’t want people to think I cheated on you.
DANNY
Yeah. Of course. (thinking; then)
That line about me doing nothing but watch YouTube all day. You kind of went off script there. Do you, like, actually think that?
I know you’re figuring things out… (beat)
Hey, what’s goin’ on?
DANNY
You left to go on this extraordinary adventure. And of course I’m happy for you, but it reminds me that my life isn’t extraordinary. It isn’t even interesting.
EMILY
Danny…
(Note: DANNY and EMILY are live on stage performing this song. The other characters watch from around them.)
(EMILY) EXTRAORDINARY DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN WHAT’S BEST YOU KNOW I’M NOT THE TYPE WHO NEEDS TO BE IMPRESSED CUZ I LOVE YOU JUST FOR YOU NOT FOR ANYTHING YOU DO NOT THE WAVES THAT YOU’RE MAKING OR THE RECORDS THAT YOU’RE BREAKING NO, FOR YOU
(EMILY)
SO IF YOU’RE DOWN AND FEELING KINDA… STUCK?
CUZ YOUR LIFE IS NOT THE ONE YOU’RE DREAMING OF
TO ME, IT’S STILL ENOUGH
DANNY, I PROMISE IT’S ENOUGH
DANNY
Yeah. Maybe you’re right.
EMILY (re: his phone)
I think it’s still recording.
DANNY
Oh.
DANNY, in the vlog, reaches for the phone, ending the video.
DANNY, on stage, stares at his phone. EMILY is gone. The other characters react to the video he’s shared.
CAT (to RENEE)
You think that this is his way of saying sorry?
RENEE I do.
CHANCE ONE (to CHANCE TWO)
Now that’s comedy.
CHANCE TWO
No. It’s sorta tragic.
EVE (to LUNA)
I knew it. I knew it was fake!… Are you mad?
LUNA
Actually, I’m weirdly relieved.
Me too. EVE
Why?
Cuz at least it was real. Easier to accept the truth, than the lie.
DANNY receives a text. We see EMILY on stage.
Hey, thanks for being real about the video to everyone. And for the apology you gave me. I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it yet, but maybe soon. I hope you found what you were looking for through all this. Really… Take care of yourself, Danny. Blackout.
Spotlight up. ROSE sits alone on stage.
(Note: “Just Like Me” breaks a bit of the fourth wall, without stepping fully through it. Throughout the song, parts of the stage brighten as various characters enter, each emotionally available and nostalgic. At “ALL,” the rest of the ENSEMBLE enters. DANNY’s entrance into his bedroom is the final one, and should only be revealed by a lighting cue.)
THE SHOW IS OVER, THE STANDS ARE EMPTY NOW THE BAND IS PACKIN’ UP THE FANS HAVE ALL CLEARED OUT SAW A THOUSAND SHINING EYES TONIGHT STILL I’M WAITIN’ ROUND AT TIMES LIKE THESE I BELIEVE I’LL SEE YOU IN THE CROWD
THE GIRL I REMEMBER SINGING SOFTLY IN THE MIRROR WITH BLANKETS IN THE DOORFRAME SO NOBODY WOULD HEAR YA WRITING LYRICS IN THE MARGINS OF YOUR NOTEBOOKS AND YOUR PAPERS DREAMIN’ THAT ONE DAY YOU’D SHARE THEM WITH MILLIONS OF STRANGERS
WOULD IT MAKE YOU PROUD IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW?
ROSE / LUNA EVEN WHEN THE ROOM IS QUIET AND THERE’S NO ONE ELSE AROUND
ROSE / LUNA / EVE WAS IT PART OF THE IDEA THAT WHEN THE CURTAINS HIT THE GROUND
ROSE / LUNA / EVE / CAT YOU WOULD BE THE PERSON THAT I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT?
ROSE / LUNA / EVE / CAT / CHANCES
IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW FROM AN EMPTY CROWD
ROSE / LUNA / EVE / CAT / CHANCES / JUPE DO I SEEM LIKE THAT VISION IN YOUR DREAM?
ALL
DO YOU STILL WANNA BE JUST LIKE ME? DO YOU STILL WANNA BE JUST LIKE ME?
DANNY, with a backpack, enters his bedroom, set on another part of the stage. The COMPANY watches him, and joins in vocally occasionally.
DANNY
CAN YOU HANDLE ALL THE GLORY?
CAN YOU SHOULDER ALL THE BLAME?
CAN YOU LEARN TO WIN AND LOOSE AND KEEP YOUR HEAD UP JUST THE SAME?
DANNY / LUNA / ROSE
CAN YOU FIND THE WORDS THAT MATTER?
DANNY / EVE / CAT
CAN YOU LEAN INTO YOUR VOICE?
DANNY
WHEN THE WORLD KEEPS GETTING LOUDER
DANNY / RENEE / WG1 / CHANCES
CAN YOU CUT THROUGH ALL THE NOISE?
DANNY leaves his bedroom, and joins the rest of the COMPANY.
+ EVE / CAT
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TO SHOW ‘EM OF WHO YOU ARE INSIDE
LUNA / ROSE / DANNY / JUPE AND DO YOU HAVE A PLACE TO SAFELY KEEP THE PARTS YOU HIDE?
+ RENEE / WG1
CUZ NOW YOU HOLD A POWER
+ EVE / CAT
A WAY TO BUILD TRUTH
CAN YOU LEARN TO USE IT BEFORE IT USES YOU? YOU?
WOULD IT MAKE YOU PROUD IF YOU COULD SEE ME KNOW?
EVEN WHEN THE NIGHT HAS FALLEN AND THERE’S SILENCE ALL AROUND? WAS IT PART OF THE IDEA
THAT WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE POWERED DOWN YOU WOULD BE THE PERSON THAT I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT?
IF YOU COULD SEE ME KNOW WHEN I’M REACHING OUT DO I SEEM LIKE THAT VISION IN YOUR DREAM? WAS THE PRICE OF LEAVING YOU WORTH BELIEVING THAT WE’RE FREE?
WOULD YOU STILL WANNA BE… WOULD YOU STILL WANNA BE…
DO YOU STILL WANNA BE… DO YOU STILL WANNA BE…
The COMPANY begins to leave the stage, with looks to Danny. DANNY returns to his bedroom. Danny takes down the Hollywood poster, and starts unpacking his backpack. He pulls out props we’ve seen throughout the show, including the Rubik’s Cube. He smiles.
(ALL)
JUST LIKE ME? JUST LIKE ME? JUST LIKE ME?
DANNY
JUST LIKE ME…
EMILY and DANNY share a look, a nod. EMILY leaves the stage. DANNY, alone, looks at his phone once more. Then, out at whatever’s next. Something better, something new.
Blackout.
THE END
NEVER COOL ENOUGH FOR YOUR FAMOUS FRIENDS. NEVER HAD THE EGO TO PLAY PRETEND, NO. SITTIN’ AT A TABLE, FEELIN’ TIRED AND BROKE. EVERYBODY’S LAUGHING BUT I’M NOT IN ON THE JOKE. ‘CUZ IT’S THREE HOURS PAST MIDNIGHT AND I’M QUICKLY LOSING STEAM, AND I’M LOSING ALL MY FRAGILE SELF-ESTEEM, SO I’M GOING TO THE—
ROOFTOP, JUST TO CLEAR MY HEAD A LITTLE WHILE. AS THE WORLD STOPS WATCHING ME I FEEL A LITTLE SMILE. ON THE ROOFTOP, I’LL STAY ON THE ROOFTOP, MEET ME ON THE ROOFTOP IF YOU EVER GET OVER YOURSELF.
ALL THE LIGHTS GO DOWN AS THE STARS COME UP. IS IT HARD WORK OR IS IT JUST DUMB LUCK? OH LIVING IN THE MOMENT AS THE CITY GOES DEAD. DAY IS JUST BEGINNING, WORLD IS SPINNING IN MY HEAD. AND IT’S SIX HOURS PAST MIDNIGHT, FEELING LIKE I’M IN A DREAM. CURSING AT MY SHALLOW SELF-ESTEEM, SO I’M LIVING ON THE—
ROOFTOP, JUST TO CLEAR MY HEAD A LITTLE WHILE. AS THE WORLD STOPS WATCHING ME I FEEL A LITTLE SMILE. ON THE ROOFTOP, I’LL STAY ON THE ROOFTOP, MEET ME ON THE ROOFTOP. I’M NEVER GOING INSIDE.
ON THE ROOFTOP, JUST TO CLEAR MY HEAD A LITTLE WHILE. AS THE WORLD STOPS WATCHING ME I FEEL A LITTLE SMILE. ON THE ROOFTOP, I’LL STAY ON THE ROOFTOP, MEET ME ON THE ROOFTOP. I’M NEVER GOING INSIDE.
* Various lead characters sing each line.