The CYHSB is happy to present, the CYHSB WEEKLY: Purim Issue
Volume 19, Purim
Issue
The Best Real Estate since the Earth Was Created.
Page 4
Which Costumes Can You Wear on Purim?
Page 7
Trivia Corner: Purim Edition
Page 7
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The CYHSB Weekly: Purim Issue is purely satirical and intended for humor and entertainment. The CYHSB Weekly Staff would like to clarify that the content within is fictional and not meant to represent real events, people, or opinions. Please enjoy with a lighthearted spirit and remember it’s al in good fun!
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Always an early reader of the the Weekly, RDB finds some crazy (good) investment tips.
The Financial Crisis of the Multiverse: Why Your Alternate Self Is Rich and You’re Not
Jojo Ardestani (’25)
We’ve all experienced that nagging feeling, that somehow, somewhere, your alternate self has figured it all out. They’ve got the house, the car, the boat, the perfect job, and probably a pet llama named "Felix." Meanwhile, you're stuck here trying to make sense of your student loans and wondering why the universe has decided to deliver an "Iowe-you" notice every time you check your bank account. But what if I told you that the reason your alternate self is
living it up in a parallel dimension where they own five hundred luxury yachts is due to a financial crisis in the multiverse? No, this isn’t some sci-fi fever dream. This is a bona fide economic meltdown, with wealth disparities reaching interdimensional proportions. The Basics of Multiverse Economics
Let’s start with the fundamentals. The multiverse theory suggests there are infinite parallel realities, each Cont’d on next page.
Photo: Nadav Lowel (’25)
Cont’d fom previous page. with its own set of circumstances. In some universes, you’re a billionaire tech mogul. In others, you’re a semi-professional cornhole champion. The crux of the issue lies in the financial system or lack thereof in each alternate dimension. Each reality operates on a slightly different economic model, governed by its own set of physical laws, political systems, and, in some cases, wildly unpredictable quantum fluctuations.
In one universe, there may be an economic utopia with universal basic income and stock market booms driven by time- traveling AI. In another, you're struggling to barter for a loaf of bread using expired coupons and a particularly aggressive hula-hooping technique.
The Rich Get Richer, Even in Other Universes
While your alternate self might be swimming in wealth, you're stuck in the dimension where inflation is out of control and the price of avocados is steadily climbing into the stratosphere. The disparity between dimensions has led to what can only be described as a multiversal financial crisis.
Alternate selves let’s call them "Multiverse Millionaires" have taken advantage of this rift between realities by tapping into crossdimensional investment opportunities. They’ve been buying up prime real estate in
While your alternate self is sailing through financial success, you’re navigating a sea of debt thanks to the unpredictable economics of the multiverse. Image: ChatGPT.com
universes where the laws of supply and demand are as elastic as they are in a physicsdefying, anti-gravity world. Meanwhile, you’re just trying to keep your Netflix subscription active.
The secret to their wealth lies in interdimensional assets: stocks in alternate realities, quantum crypto, and other speculative ventures that only the most forward- thinking (read: reckless) individuals can understand. These savvy investors are diversifying their portfolios across infinite realities, making strategic decisions based on future market trends and cosmic anomalies while you’re still
working your way through a $5,000 credit card bill from 2018.
Investment Tips for Maximizing Wealth in Alternate Dimensions If you’re ever going to join your alternate self on that luxury yacht, you’ll need to diversify into parallel dimensions. Here are some investment tips that might just get you into the multiverse elite:
1. Time-Travel Futures: These markets are incredibly volatile, but with the right quantum computing power, you can predict events in multiple timelines. A few key investments in temporal stocks those that fluctuate based on
historical events can provide extraordinary returns. Just don’t get caught in a paradox where you inadvertently bankrupt yourself before your successful timeline even exists.
2. Black Hole Real Estate: If you're looking for something truly cutting edge, consider investing in black hole real estate. These properties exist on the event horizon, where time is but a distant memory. They’re great for those looking for long - term returns (think eternity long term). It’s a niche market, but when those gravitational waves start rolling in, you’ll be able to sell your cosmic condo for astronomical profits.
living is negligible. The key here
prosperous dimensions. Maybe there’s a version of you out there who knows the secret to unlocking infinite wealth perhaps a quantum version who has figured out how to exchange Schrödinger’s Cats for profit or has mastered the art of flipping paradoxes.
From Black Hole Real Estate to Quantum Crypto, the savviest investors are diversifying their portfolios across infinite realities. Are you missing out on interdimensional wealth? Image: ChatGPT.com
But until then, here are some words of comfort: Your alternate self is probably dealing with their own set of crises. Maybe they’re stuck in a dimension where social media uencers have taken over the global economy, and they’re just waiting for the multiverse stock market to crash. You never know.
Final Thoughts: It’s Al About Quantum Potential
3. Quantum Crypto: Crypto might seem like an unstable gamble in your dimension, but in others, Quantum Crypto is the future. By harnessing the quantum randomness of particle behavior, these digital currencies fluctuate in ways that traditional markets cannot even comprehend. Pro tip: Keep an eye on the BoseEinstein Coin it’s poised to explode across multiple realities any minute now.
4. Dimensional Bonds: These are low-risk, high-reward investments in alternate realities where economic systems are just… different. Buy bonds in universes where interest rates are practically nonexistent, but the cost of
for what seems like an eternity. Why It’s Not Your Fault
The multiversal financial crisis is not your fault. It’s not because you made poor financial decisions or that you’re bad with money (though let's be real, we could all improve our budgeting). The real issue lies in the interdimensional disparities caused by the collapse of quantum economies. In some realities, money is simply a concept you can control by manipulating the fabric of space- time. In yours, however, you’re left clinging to your 401k as it drifts away like a sad balloon at a party.
The trick is to find a way to slip into one of those more
While your alternate self may be living the high life, remember that the financial disparities across dimensions are part of the multiverse’s fundamental chaos. If you want to break out of the cycle of crushing debt and possible regret, it’s time to think outside the reality box. Try venturing into quantum crypto, invest in a few interdimensional futures, or consider buying that black hole real estate before the universe’s next collapse. And who knows? In another dimension, you might just be the one laughing on your 50th private island. Or, at least, enjoying a drink with your alternate self who definitely knows how to balance their budget.
The Best Real Estate since the Earth Was Created.
Omer Zalman (‘27)
At one of the top secret meetings of my business that controls the world supply of rubber ducks, I met John Rockefeller (before he died of course). He told me that he could’ve ruled the entire world, but one thing stopped him: properties and real estate. Then he said that he can teach people how to get rich quickly just like him. As he instructed me, I will instruct you how to get rich by purchasing properties in different parts of the world.
One of the most anticipated and famous property locations to peruse is Egypt. I bought a property in Egypt and it was the best decision of my life. They even take care of the property for me. Fortunately, before the Egypt property craze, I was able to invest into a plot of land near the Nile, and it was this piece of land that made Egypt famous.
Most people know about the pyramids, but no one knows how they were built. In fact, I was the one who started it. Pharaoh Khufu and I were good friends with a few other Pharaohs. On Sundays we would play basketball and eat grilled cheeses and tomato soup (with croutons). During a horse match, they told me that they wanted to be remembered for something cool. Being the industrious persian I am, I quickly came up with an ideato build the pyramids. They called me crazy but I told them
to trust me. I showed them a proof by Dr. Shapiro that proved that pyramids are good, and they slowly came over to my side. I then told them that this wasn’t a pyramid scheme and said we would make a scheme to build pyramids. They trusted me and over a good amount of years, they built the pyramids.
Here I will teach you how to buy the properties. First of all, you need an egypt expert, but you already have one (me -> Omer), next you need a legal agent, and lastly, you need to select your land. Try to select one that has water near it since if you consume sand, you might die because that isn’t water. A good selection is near the Nile as it contains water. To get a good idea on how much to invest into Egypt, we called Mohammed Ali Abdul Rashid (‘26), an Egyptian, I found. Here is how the interview went.
Me: “Should I call you Mohammed?”
Mohammed: “بقارم تنأ”
Omer: “Excuse me sir can you please speak English”
Mohammed: “
Omer: “If you are not willing to speak English I need you to leave sir.”
Mohammed: “امجيل”.
Unfortunately I couldn’t get anything out of Mohammed so if you want more advice I
advise you to search Egypt Properties online. Another potential property site is Africa. Before my meeting with John Rockefeller, I saw Africa as a useless piece of land that was all desert. However, after he showed me Black Panther, I realized what could be here. If you are able to get a large piece of land, you can mine vibranium and sell it to the USA. In order to find the best piece of land, I called my Nigerian Prince Uncle. After I gave him a million dollars he ghosted me, even though he promised to give me 50 million dollars because he needed assistance. So I emailed him… and he never responded. As a result of this Nigerian prince not responding, we will need to do our own research.
What you should do is invest into lands that are really unpopulated such as the one in the image above in South Africa or North Africa or Central Africa. Next, you need to generate profit. To generate a profit, you can either wait a
Property in Afica. Photo: Omer
Zalman (’27) (AKA: The Best Pool Player Ever)
few thousand years when the price of the land will exponentially increase, or acquire indentured servants to mine the lands for vibranium. This is a safe strategy since the land is so unpopulated no one will catch you.
Our third potential property site is Antarctica. Antarctica is fairly safe as there are barely any humans there, although it is a long term investment for climate change. It's a 50/50 investment: if climate change does occur, then you will get very very rich. If climate change doesn’t happen, then we can safely say that we lost a lot of money. However, to be rich in real estate, you have to gamble your chances. It’s just like they say “90% of gamblers quit before they hit big.” If you want to become rich follow my steps. First of all, it is better to travel to Antarctica than to look at properties online as Antarctica’s land has not been surveyed or completely mapped. You should also bring clothes as if you don’t bring clothes you will freeze. Another important point is the penguins: the most dangerous point is the penguins. The penguins are smarter than they seem, they are controlled by the governments, because they are birds (thanks Mohamed). If you get too close to a group of penguins, you will get kidnapped. This is what
happened to me in 1999, as I was looking at properties in Antarctica and I got kidnapped and taken hostage. The I could only freed if my family gave the penguins my two billion dollar mansion and five hundred million dollar mega yacht. (To those who are asking where my
two billion dollar house went, that's what happened.) Anyway, I had an interview with a penguin for this article, however, it flew away, so we unfortunately lost that chance. Our next property is China. China is a big country and buying land here is very good as you can industrialize it very easily. After Donald Trump’s 2016 election was won, he told me “China, China, China,” then he disappeared into the walls. This gave me an idea: buy properties in China. China is a very nice country, it has good
land and it has many factories. If you do buy a property in China you have three main options: open a rice field, a Temu factory, or open a Censored. Sorry, the Chinese government censored the last one. Anyway, if you want to get land in China, all you have to do is call a Chinese representative and purchase it from him, or go to China and purchase it there from a local. If you want to go with the first option, you should choose eld. Make sure you choose one in central China or western China as the land there is much cheaper and you don’t want to spend too much money. Labor isn’t a problem as you can just hire local immigrants. On the other hand, if you want to make a Temu factory, make sure to call Temu before you do so to ask them for permission to make a factory. I tried making a few hundred Temu factories and I got sued for it, and the government took the Temu factories. Speaking of the government, make sure you maintain a high social credit so you don’t lose your factories, you are being tracked everywhere and heard at any time.
Our last property for this showcase is India. India is a very big country so there is a wide variety of different properties you can purchase. If Cont’d on next page.
Interview with Donald Trump. Photo: Omer Zalman (‘27) (AKA: Mr. Hands)
Cont’d fom previous page. you want to purchase a property in india, make sure you avoid the slums. There are many poor people there that will take everything you have,
entire CYHSB on how much money you should invest, and this is what they said. They all are wrong of course, as you should take your money and put ALL of it into
best real estate lawyers in the world, unlike sleepy Joe.”
Omer: “I am writing an article about properties in Egypt, Africa, China, Antarctica, and India, if it was up to you, which property would you invest into.”
even your legs. 0/10 experience, I do not recommend losing your legs. Going back to the main idea, India is a very beautiful country and the land prices are bullish, meaning that the prices will go up. Make sure you purchase lots of land, even if it’s not good quality. Cheap land is the best because of industrialization and urbanization, just build a few skyscrapers. Not only that, the food is very good in India as they use many different spices.
To find how much money you should invest into properties, we surveyed the
properties. Not only that, you should also take a loan out from the bank for as much money as you can as you need to gamble your money into this business to maximize your profits. However, if you are broke and only have money for one property in one part of this showcase, we will show you which one to pick. I couldn’t decide on this so we brought in the president of the United States: Donald Trump!
Omer: “You know a lot about real estate, correct?”
Donald Trump: “Frankly, I believe that I am one of the
Donald Trump: “Frankly, I believe that you should invest into Egypt, they have stunning pyramids which sell well. In fact, I told Elon that every cent that we save with DOGE, we are investing into properties in Egypt to maximize our profits.”
Omer: “I think we are out of time, thank you for this interview Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “You're welcome.”
All in all, real estate is a lucrative business. Trading properties is very complex and if you need a real estate agent to help you, just call 305-988-1996. Thank you for reading this and stay away from penguins.
Property Investments. Image: Omer Zalman (‘27) (AKA: Mr. Money)
Which Costumes Can You Wear on Purim?
Rafi the Shoemaker (‘25)
This past year in the Beit Midrash, we have had riveting debates between the House of Ethan (‘25) and the House of the Raanan (‘25). Now, you have to understand that the House of Ethan always tends to hold very stringently when it comes to the rules. There was one such lively debate that came up one afternoon. Some of the students of the House of Ethan stated that the craziest outfit somebody was permitted to wear on Purim was Mr. Incredible. The students of the House of Raanan thought this a little strict, and ruled that one was able to even dress up like the clown, Pennywise, from the hit 2017 movie “It” starring Bill Skarsgard. Of course, they ruled that one could only dress up as the first clown, rather than the second. You know, the one where that nice boy in the yellow jacket meets that nice clown who is hiding in the sewer because everyone is bullying him. They end up being good friends in the end I’m pretty sure, I only just saw the first scene. We follow the House of Raanan in this debate.
It was interesting to note, however, that there is a minority argument in this debate. Rav JJ (‘25) rules very leniently, stating that one can even put on a costume where he looks like he is riding on Donald Trump’s shoulders. This is a big novelty, which could
offend many people on the day of Purim. However, he backed up his statement with a story where Rabbeinu Rafi D. (‘26) was walking along the bank of River Brantford and he fell into a puddle of smashed dates. He then looked up and might have seen Donald Trump walking by. Rav JJ inferred from that that it is permitted to ride Donald on Purim. Rabbeinu Rafi D. also remembered a story from one Purim where a guy from Torah Metzion purchased a Purim costume for 1000 shekel with his father’s money, a very foolish act. The boys had a good laugh about that one.
The modern-day poskim maintains that it is totally prohibited to wear a costume of Bart Simpson as this would disrespect the tradition set by Harav Hagaon Tzvi Blier Shlita (‘27).
The custom in most cities nowadays is that most people climb through at least the
monkey bars and five tunnels and slide down fifteen slides during the day of Purim as a Zecher for Har Sinai. On a related topic, there is an obligation on Shabbos to have every meal with 2 breads, YUM YUM. However, this year when Purim falls on Erev Shabbos, instead of two breads, we use 613 triangle breads, to represent Haman’s hat.
“Power Rangers, Sprite, and Sesame Street are the sole causes of communism,” said Jojo Ardestani (‘25). We interviewed some people regarding this outlandish point.
“No one cares about Indiana,” said Junior Tzvi Steiner (‘26). To end, we always use jumpy frogs with purple dots, chocolate bomba, peel-it Twizzlers, pig, bread, creme brulee, eels, bassoon, and that guy's dead dog for kiddush.
Purim Sameach!
CYHSB Weekly Staff
Co-Editors in Chief
Nadav “Andav” Lowell (’25)
Raanan “da GOAT” VanderWalde (’25)
Head of Torah Affairs
Rafi “Gadol” Goldkin (’25)
Associate Editor-in-Chief
Rafi “JR ZED” Davidovics (’26)
Chief Layout Editor
Yitzy “he's him” Ryp (’25)
Senior News Editor
Ilan “Nadav’s brother” Lowell (’25)
Managing Editor
Akiva “Lewine” Levine (’26)
Production Editor
Amit “Omer 1.0” Zalman (’26)
Photography and Social Media
Jacob Jacob “JJ” Stein (’25)
Layout and Special Features
Jojo “siwa” Ardestani (’25)
Avigdor “viggy” Zweihorn (’27)
News Editors
Ilan “Captain” Lennon (’27)
Yakir “new blood” Rovner (’28)
Shomer “Omer” Zalman (’27)
CYHSB Weekly Staff Writers
Jack “the Persian” Stani (’27)
Gordon “Chaifetz” Ramsey (’27)
Ben “Benny” Freiden (’26)
Jack “Jarquavius” Kampf (’26)
Gavi “G ‘Lich” Lichter (’27)
Jonah “Flappy Bird” Siegel (’27)
Tzvi “Nathaniel” Steiner (’26)
Administrative Advisor Mrs. Ashley Brown
Message from the Editors:
Well, it appears that certainty continues to elude us all in this perplexing issue. If any among you arrived at my column expecting even the faintest glimmer of clarification, I regret to inform you that such hopes were, alas, misplaced. For this, I extend my sincerest apologies. However, it is my earnest hope that our Purim edition has at least provided you with some modicum of amusement, if not outright delight. It is with great appreciation that I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to engage with our work. Your readership is both valued and cherished. And so, with a light heart and spirit, we extend our warmest wishes for a jubilant, exhilarating, and remarkably memorable Purim.
