I am sorry that it has come to this by Michael Rickelton

i am sorry that it has come to this

________________________________________________________________________________

for pre-recorded electronics, voice, and piano

MICHAEL RICKELTON ____________________________________________________________________

www.michaelrickelton.com

Program Note I am sorry that it has come to this “takes the listener on the brink of desperation, but, strangely, in the end, it brings the listener to a sense of relief and victory. It’s an important play on the individual’s right to choose a course in life and death. It’s also fitting that it be shared on Nov. 11, a day that we should recognize as the birthday of certain freedoms. The last words of the piece, “I am free” is an irony to what we “celebrate” as the great gift of freedom we as Americans have” (anonymous). The latest figures from the Department of Veterans Affairs show that there were more than 6,000 Veteran suicides each year from 2008 to 2016 (the last year of available data). In 2016, the suicide rate was 1.5 times greater for Veterans than for non-Veteran adults. As a clear result of 21st-century wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, from 2005 to 2016, Veteran suicide rates increased 25.9 percent, and from 2015-2016 the suicide rate for Veterans ages 18-34 increased from 40.4 suicide deaths per 100,000 population to 45 suicide deaths per 100,000. As of the time of this work’s premiere in November 2018, 20 Veterans take their own lives each day. The numbers are staggering, but for many who have no direct contact with the effects of the mental and physical illnesses afflicting many of our nations Veterans, it is easy to get lost in the numbers. In “I am sorry it has come to this”, I have attempted to provide a reflection (or commentary) on the issues of Veteran’s health care, suicide, and the individual’s choice to choose life or death. The piece features 22 different voices reading excerpts from a Veteran's suicide note documenting crippling mental and physical illnesses. These 22 individual voices represent the number of Veterans who took their own lives each day at the time the suicide note was written. They are women, they are men, they are Millennials, they are Baby Boomers. The words they read could have been written by any one of the 22 Veterans they represent. As a friend recently said, “it is striking how many of our country’s most fundamental issues are, or ought to be nonpartisan matters of shared human concern.” This is one of those issues. For more information and to view the most recent VA National Suicide Data Report, please visit: https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/suicide_prevention/data.asp

TEXTS Presidential Chatter President Barack Obama: "In this country, we take care of our own." President Ronald Reagan: "To me it is unconscionable that veterans in need are denied hospital and medical care because of inadequate funding, which has closed hospital beds and cut health care personnel within the Veterans Administration." President George H.W. Bush: "I am proud of what we've accomplished together to strengthen our veterans health care system, and proud of the specialized health care centers that we've created, and the new outpatient clinics." President Bill Clinton: "We owe to our veterans a health care system that is there for them when they need it, and provides high quality and compassionate care." President George W. Bush: "We've increased the VA's medical care budget by 51%. We've increased total outpatient visits; increased total number of prescriptions filled. We've committed more than 1.5 billion dollars to modernizing and expanding VA facilities so that veterans can get better care closer to home." President Barack Obama: "If you find yourself struggling with the wounds of war – such as post-traumatic stress disorder or traumatic brain injuries – we’ll be there for you as well, with the care and treatment that you need. No veteran should have to wait months or years for the benefits that you’ve earned."

(excerpts from an) ______________Anonymous Veteran's Suicide Note I am sorry that it has come to this. The fact is, for as long as I can remember my motivation for getting up every day has been so that you would not have to bury me. As things have continued to get worse, it has become clear that this alone is not a sufficient reason to carry on. The fact is, I am not getting better, I am not going to get better, and I will most certainly deteriorate further as time goes on. From a logical standpoint, it is better to simply end things quickly and let any repercussions from that play out in the short term than to drag things out into the long term. I really have been trying to hang on for more than a decade now, suffering unspeakable horror as quietly as possible. My body has become nothing but a cage, a source of pain and constant problems. The illness I have has caused me pain that not even the strongest medicines could dull, and there is no cure. All day, every day a screaming agony in every nerve ending in my body. It is nothing short of torture. My mind is a wasteland, filled with visions of incredible horror, unceasing depression, and crippling anxiety, even with all of the medications the doctors dare give. Simple things that everyone else takes for granted are nearly impossible for me. I cannot laugh or cry. I can barely leave the house. I derive no pleasure from any activity. Everything simply comes down to passing time until I can sleep again. Now, to sleep forever seems to be the most merciful thing. You must not blame yourself. There are some things that a person simply can not come back from. The government has turned around and abandoned me. They offer no help, and actively block the pursuit of gaining outside help. Any blame rests with them.

Beyond that, there are the host of physical illnesses that have struck me down again and again, for which they also offer no help. There might be some progress by now if they had not spent nearly twenty years denying the illness that I and so many others were exposed to. Further complicating matters is the repeated and severe brain injuries to which I was subjected, which they also seem to be expending no effort into understanding. What is known is that each of these should have been cause enough for immediate medical attention, which was not rendered. Perhaps, with the right medication at the right doses, I could have bought a couple of decent years, but even that is too much to ask from a regime built upon the idea that suffering is noble and relief is just for the weak. Is it any wonder then that the latest figures show 22 veterans killing themselves each day? Where are the huge policy initiatives? Why isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the president standing with those families at the state of the union? Perhaps because we were not killed by a single lunatic, but rather by his own system of dehumanization, neglect, and indifference. It leaves us to where all we have to look forward to is constant pain, misery, poverty, and dishonor. I assure you that, when the numbers do finally drop, it will merely be because those who were pushed the farthest are already dead. The fact is that any kind of ordinary life is an insult to those who died at my hand. How can I possibly go around like everyone else while the widows and orphans I created continue to struggle? If they could see me sitting here in suburbia, in my comfortable home working on some music project they would be outraged, and rightfully so. I am left with basically nothing. Too trapped in a war to be at peace, too damaged to be at war. Abandoned by those who would take the easy route, and a liability to those who stick it out, and thus deserve better. So you see, not only am I better off dead, but the world is better without me in it. This is what brought me to my actual final missionâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;a mercy killing. I know how to kill, and I know how to do it so that there is no pain whatsoever. It was quick, and I did not suffer. And above all, now I am free. I feel no more pain. I have no more nightmares or flashbacks or hallucinations. I am no longer constantly depressed or afraid or worried. I am free.

VOICE

Requiem aeternam dona eis Domine: et lux perpetua luceat eis.

Come to his assistance, ye Saints of God: come forth to meet him, ye Angels of the Lord: receiving his soul, offer it in the sight of the Most High. Eternal rest grant unto them o Lord: and let light perpetual shine upon them.

Confutatis maledictis, Flammis acribus addictis, Voca me cum benedictis. Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem.

Once the cursed have been silenced, sentenced to acrid flames: Call Thou me with the blessed. Merciful Lord Jesus, grant them rest.

Requiem aeternam dona eis Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis.

Eternal rest grant unto them o Lord: and let light perpetual shine upon them.

In paradisum: deducant te Angeli: in tuo adventu suscipiant te Martyres, et perducant te in civitatem sanctam Jerusalem. Chorus Angelorum te suscipiat, et cum Lazaro quondam paupere aeternam habeas requiem.

May the Angels lead thee into paradise: may the Martyrs receive thee at thy coming, and lead thee into the holy city of Jerusalem. May the choir of Angels receive thee, and mayest thou have eternal rest with Lazarus, who once was poor.

Subvenite Sanci Dei, occurite Angeli Domini: Suscipientes animam ejus: Offerentes eam in conspectu Altissimi.

PERFORMANCE NOTES Dampen string with fingertips of right hand (fingers 2 and 3). Use enough pressure to depress the string.

Sustain/repeat through the system break.

Sustained/repeated from the previous system. End sustain/repetition.

Indicates pitches that are silently depressed and locked with the sostenuto pedal.

A plucked string prepared with a large paperclip. Large paperclips should be placed atop the strings D1, E1, and F1, perpendicular to the strings. Each string does not needs its own paperclip if the paperclip is large enough to cover more than one string. However, the middle of the paperclip should be in contact with the string, as the paperclip will shift when the string is plucked. Because of this, each paperclip may need to be shifted after a string is plucked so it maintains contact with the plucked string. Paperclips should NOT be placed on the strings before the start of the piece. Each should be positioned in a location where the pianist can quickly access them to place on the strings immediately before plucking the string. Care should be taken to place the paperclips silently.

Lightly strum strings with fingertips. No specific direction is intended. The performer should vary the length of up and down directions, while avoiding the articulation of any specific pitch.

Chant notation. A modern realization of the traditional neumes.

pizz.

Pizzicato should always be performed with the flesh of the finger.

Preparation of the piano. It is suggested that the piano be prepared (masking tape, etc.) to indicated the location of the following strings: D1, E1, F1, B b1, D2, B b2, F3, C4, D4, E4, F4 Alignment of tape text with voice and piano. The tape text is included in the score to give each performer a reference point to the time indications. Unless specifically indicated with an arrow or barline, each performer should not feel the need to align their part in time with the tape text. It may often be the case that the performer will seemingly lag behind or push forward of the tape text by a system. This should be anticipated. The parts will ultimately align as intended. The parts are only required to align when the tape and each other were indicated by an arrow or barline.

i am sorry that it has come to this MICHAEL RICKELTON Tape

00:00 - 01:15 Presidential Chatter (00:12) President Barack Obama: "In this country, we take care of our own." (00:14) President Ronald Reagan: "To me it is unconscionable that veterans in need are denied hospital and medical care because of inadequate funding, which has closed hospital beds and cut health care personnel within the Veterans Administration." (00:25) President George H.W. Bush: "I am proud of what we've accomplished together to strengthen our veterans health care system, and proud of the specialized health care centers that we've created, and the new outpatient clinics." (00:35.5) President Bill Clinton: "We owe to our veterans a health care system that is there for them when they need it, and provides high quality and compassionate care." (00:42) President George W. Bush: "We've increased the VA's medical care budget by 51%. We've increased total outpatient visits; increased total number of prescriptions filled. We've committed more than 1.5 billion dollars to modernizing and expanding VA facilities so that veterans can get better care closer to home." (00:58) President Barack Obama: "If you find yourself struggling with the wounds of war – such as post-traumatic stress disorder or traumatic brain injuries – we’ll be there for you as well, with the care and treatment that you need. No veteran should have to wait months or years for the benefits that you’ve earned." Sustained B b 4 Presidental Chatter

Offstage Voice

& &

Offstage Piano

∑

01:15

∑

Presidental Chatter

∑

∑ ∑

ß r bœ œ * ◊ °

*Articulation of low Bb occurs immediately after the word "earned". It should then be immediately dampened. The sustain pedal should be held until the resonance has cleared. Copyright © 2018 by Michael Rickelton, ASCAP, all rights reserved www.MichaelRickelton.com

i am sorry that it has come to this

01:30

& (b œ) Tape

Voice

∑

& Pno.

OOOO

∑

bœ

œ b œœ π

∑

01:52

∑ Sost. ped.

F ca. 5''

∑

On the strings

∑

b OOO

∑

œ = ca. 54 pizz.

œœœœ œœœ * ∏ pizz. **

œ b & œ ( bœ)

02:07

Tape

Voice

? (œ) œ (b( œ))

∑ q

ca. 5''

∑

pizz.

(Sost. ped.)

02:43.5

(02:40)

bœ

02:32

& Pno.

∑

= ca. 60 ***

π w.

˙ bW

∏ w

∑ ∑

∑

On the keys ca. 3''

∑

È È Ÿ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œŸ p

∑

*Present passage in box first steadily at indicated tempo, then repeat, varying the length of each pitch for the duration of the solid line. **B b 1 should be plucked after the first playing of the treble box figure. It may then be rearticulated freely for the duration of the solid line. ***Throughout, standard notation should be played at the tempo indicated. Tempo markings do not apply to rest values.

i am sorry that it has come to this

02:52.5

Tape

Voice

( œ) & (b œ)

(03:03)

03:17

? (harmonicly rich) œ œ π f

∑

Freely chanted. Unhurried.* very distant ca. 2''

∑

continue immediately to next system. do not wait for tape cue of text

œ œ œ œ œ ˙

Sub - ve

∑

& Pno.

ca. 5''

On the strings

∑

(°)

On the keys

ca. 10''

ca. 3-4''

∑

∏

q = ca. 60 œ w π

b œœ ww ° ad lib.

œ œ

te,

Sanc - ti **

œw œœ ww

03:30 Tape

I am sorry that it has come to this. (piano alignment; not voice)

Voice

The fact is, for as long as I can remember my motivation for getting up every day has been so that you would not have to bury me.

& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ bœ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ bœ œ ˙ œ De - i,

? Pno.

oc - cur

(π)

ri - te,

An - ge - li

q = ca. 60 œœ ww œœ ww œ w œ w ***

œ w œ w œ w œ w œ w œ w bœ w œ w

*Pace does not need to align metrically with piano. **A short vertical line is used as a substitution for the tradition "*" to avoid confusion with footnotes. The line should be interpreted as a very short pause between phrases. ***Repeat material in box for the duration of solid line. Pace does not need to align metrically with the voice.

i am sorry that it has come to this

Tape

Voice

As things have continued to get worse, it has become clear that this alone is not a sufficient reason to carry on. The fact is, I am not getting better. I am not going to get better, and I will most certainly deteriorate further as time goes on.

&œ œ œ œ œ ˙ Do - mi

ni:

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙

Sus - ci - pi - ent - es

a - ni - mam e

jus:

? Pno.

Tape

From a logical standpoint, it is better to simply end things quickly and let any repercussions from that play out in the short term than to drag things out into the long term. (pause) I really have been trying to hang on for more than a decade now, suffering unspeakable horror as quietly as possible.

Voice

* . b œ œ ˙ . œ œœ œœœœ˙ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ b˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ ˙ œ œ

Of - fe - ren - tes e - am

in con - spe - ctu

tis - si

mi.

? Pno.

? *If the above tape text is not concluded by the end of the chant, then go back to the beginning of the chant and repeat. At the conclusion of the tape text, fade away to nothing, ending at any point in the chant. If the tape text concludes before the end of the first time through the chant (most likely), then conclude the chant as normal and do not repeat.

i am sorry that it has come to this

04:24

Tape

& (œ)

(04:25)

Pno.

∑

œ (b œ ) ? (œ)

Each pitch is slightly rearticulated

∑

& ?

b OOOO

Sost. ped.

∏ œ œ œ œ ˙

œ ˙

qui - em

bœ

(05:25)

œ œ ˙ -

ter

slowly, freely, unmetered

pizz.

(05:17.5)

(05:10)

ca. 8''

Pno.

È ŸÈ meteredpizz. Ÿ unmetered, vary rhythm œ œœœœœœœœ œ Ó & ˙˙ .. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ > p P f On the strings pizz. ?

04:55

Voice

(04:40)

Tacet, or continue chant until complete.

Tape

œ œ π

bœ

(04:47.5)

(harmonicly rich)

(04:28)

Voice

œ bœ œ œ b œ œ

œ œ ˙ -

nam

i am sorry that it has come to this

05:32 Tape

My body has become nothing but a cage, a source of pain and constant problems.

The illness I have has caused me pain that not even the strongest medicines could dull, and there is no cure. All day, every day a screaming agony in every nerve ending in my body. It is nothing short of torture. (05:45) Sustained E5

(piano alignment; not voice)

Voice

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙

&œ ˙ do

?Ó Pno.

e - is,

Do - mi

œ w œ w

œœ ww

b œœ ww œœ ww

œœ ww

?Ó

œ bœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ -

ne:

05:54 Tape

Voice

My mind is a wasteland, filled with visions of incredible horror, unceasing depression, and crippling anxiety, even with all of the medications the doctors dare give. Simple things that everyone else takes for granted are nearly impossible for me. I cannot laugh or cry. I can barely leave the house.

&œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ et

? Pno.

lux

per - pe

œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ lu

œ bœ œ œ

ce - at

√ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ &

? *While maintaining a steady presentation of the previous boxed chords, begin inserting the indicated pattern of pitches during sustained chords. The value of each pitch should vary, and the amount of pitches played during a single sustained chord should vary. When returning to the treble pitches during the next sustained chord, begin on the next pitch in the sequence of pitches. You may choose not to play any treble pitches during some sustained chords. Continue with this process for the duration of the boxed chords' solid line.

i am sorry that it has come to this

06:15.5 Tape

Everything simply comes down to passing time until I can sleep again. Now, to sleep forever seems to be the most merciful thing.

I derive no pleasure from any activity. (piano alignment; not voice)

Voice

&œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ e

& Pno.

is.

œ œ œœ b œœœ Change treble sequence. œ bœ œ

Voice

π œ œ œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ

& q = ca. 60 ? Œ w œ w ?

ßß

(06:50)

Con - fu - ta - tis

Pno.

œœ

(06:45)

œœ

œ bœ

√> > œ œ b œœœ œœœ

œœ bœ

œœœ

Stop chords

06:30 Tape

œ b œœœ

sub. ∏

b œœ ww

œœ ww

œœ œ œ

ww bw w

˙ æ On the strings P &

***

p °

œ¿

*If the above tape text is not concluded by the end of the chant, then go back to the beginning of the chant and repeat. If repeated, repeat until the text "merciful thing". If the tape text concludes before the end of the first statement of the chant, then conclude the chant at the text "merciful thing"and do not repeat. **Pace treble chords appropriately to lead to "thing" and fast hammered L.H. chords ***Rapidly strum all three strings associated with the indicated pitch for the duration of the note value.

i am sorry that it has come to this

07:00 You must not blame yourself.

Tape

Voice

&œ œ ˙

Pno.

Flam - mis

ac - ri - bus

ad - dic - tis:

œ¿

(œ ¿) (°)

œ œ œ

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙

le - dic - tis,

There are some things that a person simply cannot come back from.

Vo - ca

œ¿

07:06.5 The government has turned around and abandoned me. They offer no help, and actively block the pursuit of gaining outside help. Any blame rests with them. Tape

( œœ )

& Voice

Pno.

œ ∑

&œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ ?

cum

( œ ¿) (°)

(07:16)

be - ne - dic - tis.

∏ œ œ Pi - e

œ¿

i am sorry that it has come to this

07:26

07:20

Tape

bœ

(07:31)

(harmonicly rich)

p œœ

Voice

& œ œ œ œ ˙ Je - su

& Pno.

œ œ œ œ

Do - mi - ne,

∑

do - na

∑

ca. 3''

œ pizz. π ∏

∑

e - is

œ œ œ ˙

∑

re - qui - em,

∑

œ œ

ca. 10''

∑

° 07:42

Tape

? Voice

& &

Pno.

Further complicating matters is the repeated and severe brain injuries to which I was subjected, which they also seem to be expending no effort into understanding. What is known is that each of these should have been cause enough for immediate medical attention, which was not rendered. Perhaps, with the right medication at the right doses, I could have bought a couple of decent years, but even that is too much to ask from a regime built upon the idea that suffering is noble and relief is just for the weak.

(b œ ) (œ) (œ)

∑

(07:46)

∑ ca. 3''

ca. 3''

∏ (°)

πœ

ca. 10''

∑

œ œ

On the strings ca. 5''

∑

pizz.

p w

ca. 5''

i am sorry that it has come to this

(œ)

08:14

Tape

Voice

∏ œ œ œ bœ œ œ œ œ œ œ

Re - qui - em

? Pno.

œœ ww œœ ww

ca. 4''

∑

On the keys

∑

œœ ww

bœ w œ w œ w œ w œ w bœ w

œ w œ w

ae - ter - nam

do - na - e - is

08:45 Is it any wonder then, that the latest figures show 22 veterans killing themselves each day? Where are the huge policy initiatives? Why isn't the president standing with those families at the State of the Union? Perhaps because we were not killed by a single lunatic, but rather by his own system of dehumanization, neglect, and indifference.

Tape

? Voice

bœ

(œ)

& œ bœ

Do - mi - ne,

? Pno.

œ bœ

per - pe - tu - a

lux

lu - ce - at

e - is.

i am sorry that it has come to this

09:09

Tape

Voice

It leaves us to where all we have to look forward to is constant pain, misery, poverty, and dishonor. I assure you that, when the numbers do finally drop, it will merely be because those who were pushed the farthest are already dead.

( b œ)

∑

& ?

Pno.

√ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ &

09:26

Tape

Voice

? ( b œ) π & œ œ bœ ˙ In

pa - ra - di - sum:

œ œ œ bœ œ bœ œ ˙

œ bœ œ œ ˙

œ b˙

de - du - cant te

An - ge

& Pno.

? *As before. If needed, repeat until the end of the solid line.

li:

tu - o

ad - ven

i am sorry that it has come to this

Tape

Voice

? ( b œ) &˙ su

bœ œ bœ œ œ œ œ bœ ˙ -

sci - pi - ant

Mar - ty

res,

œ bœ œ œ ˙

œ œ

per - du - cant

ci -

√ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ bœ œ œ œ

& Pno.

10:00 ** The fact is that any kind of ordinary life is an insult to those who died at my hand. (piano Tape

Voice

alignment; not voice)

? ( b œ) & œ œ œ bœ œ œ ˙ vi - ta - tem sanc

tam

œ ˙ Je

ru - sa - lem.

˙ Cho

bœ œ œ œ bœ -

rus

Continue with treble pattern until complete.

& Pno.

œ œ œ ˙

Stop chords

*As before, repeat as needed. **It is predicted that the tape text entering at 10:00 will fall roughly at this point in the chant.

ge -

i am sorry that it has come to this

Tape

Voice

How can I possibly go around like everyone else while the widows and orphans I created continue to struggle? If they could see me sitting here in suburbia, in my comfortable home working on some music project they would be outraged, and rightfully so.

? ( b œ) &˙

(10:17.5)

œ ˙

Pno.

rum

˙ bœ ˙ bœ œ bœ œ ˙

œ bœ ˙

et cum La

Voice

sci - pi - at,

∑

& œ œ b˙

bœ œ œ ˙ ae - ter

q = ca. 60 pizz.

& œ w π ?∑ (°)

bw.

œ b˙

za - ro

quon - dam

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙

nam

œ pizz.

œ bœ ˙ bœ œ œ

bœ

(œ)

pau - pe - re

Pno.

10:25

Tape

ha - be - as

n œœ

ww œ

re - qui - em.

i am sorry that it has come to this

10:40.5 I am left with basically nothing. Too trapped in a war to be at peace, too damaged to be at war. Abandoned by those who would take the easy route, and a liability to those who stick it out—and thus deserve better. So you see, not only am I better off dead, but the world is better without me in it.

Tape

Voice

∑

& & ww

Pno.

( °)

pizz.

∏ bw

11:04.5 Tape This is what brought me to my actual final mission – a mercy killing. I know how to kill, and I know how to do it so that there is no pain whatsoever. It was quick, and I did not suffer. And above all, now I am free.

I feel no more pain. I have no more nightmares or flashbacks or hallucinations. I am no longer constantly depressed or afraid or worried.

(11:21)

I am free. Voice

∑

? Pno.

No additional articulations; continue sustain.

(°)

*A minimum of 30 seconds to 1 minute of silence should be maintained at the conclusion of the track.

October 20, 2018 Baltimore, MD