Find upcoming stand-up comedy events in Asheville at www.DisclaimerComedy.com and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLDisclaimer.
An Unrepentant Lackey of the Crumbling Regime
Despite inability to see, hear, move, speak, Billy Graham miraculously drops phrase ‘Eat More Chikin’ in press release regarding Chick-filA’s anti-gay-marriage stance Elder Graham becomes incredibly lucid, verbose in press releases when son Franklin Graham upset about national issues
Local call center Sitel no longer allowing employees to leave bathrooms at heart of dispute until dangerous union activity safely wiped out Overworked cold-case detectives praying widely reviled local GOP operative Michael Muller doesn’t get murdered anytime soon ‘Far too many suspects with motives’
Local singer-songwriter credits family, community for unrealized dreams, continued reliance on day-job Following protests of Navy’s plan to deafen whales, mediator orders Navy to instead only partially blind whales The Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org Twitter: @AvlDisclaimer Michele Scheve, Tom Scheve.
Announcements Classes, Programs & Demonstrations
• An experimental workshop on traditional art will be held from 11 a.m. until 2 p.m. on Friday at the Hendersonville Library. The experimental workshop will take the form of a traditional workshop on experimental art. • Jackson County Visual Arts Association will host an opening reception for its new art exhibit, “And Some Do Not,” a companion piece to “Some Like It Hot: A Summer Show” at Gallery 1. • Author Marshall Frank will be at the Sylva Library for a talk based on his experiences as a police officer and detective in Miami-Dade County, Florida that are revealed in his book, They All Got Away (For a Price). • The Gibson Brothers, a traditional bluegrass band, will be performing Friday in Franklin. The Gibson Sisters, a traditional pair of sisters, will be dining in a nearby cafe, but not so nearby that they’ll hear their brothers’ performance, but nearby enough that their brothers will hear their conversation. • The annual Friends of the Library Book Sale is scheduled for Wed., 9 a.m., at Pack Library and the monthly Haters of the Library Book Theft will also take place at that time.
• Join rangers at 8:30 p.m. on Thursday at the Blue Ridge Parkway Visitor Center for Family Night Tracking. This week, we’ll be tracking the Carmichael family, who is traveling down the Blue Ridge Parkway without a care in the world. • Join Parkway rangers this Friday morning at Beaverdam Gap Overlook for a three-mile, moderately steep hike
along a trail so well hidden that many rangers do not even know it exists, including these rangers so if you know where it is don’t be afraid to say something or they’ll be looking all day long while assuring everyone it’s surely just past the next patch of poison ivy. • Hay Day will be held Thurs. at Mountain Research Station. BYOH. • WNC Hiking Group makes regular hiking clubs look like lost mall walkers. We’re not like other hiking clubs, with their meandering and their creaky knees and their group-wide complaining and zero tolerance for Alpha-hikers who need to lead not only the hike, but the discussion, the recording of minutes at group meetings, and snack selection for each member of the group according to their body type.
• Prenatal Hot Yoga + Zumba class, followed by relaxing prenatal rock-wall cool-down climb + birthing-partner parkour. Monday morning, Mission Hospital emergency room. • Family caregiver education program, Tuesdays at MAHEC. This week’s lesson is “Don’t let siblings trick you into being your parents’ caregiver: A primer in preemptive cross-country moves.” • Breast feeding. Free to public. BYO bib. No to-go cups! • Yoga for seniors. Ease yourself down, exhale/complain, inhale, wake up, rise to feet with instructor’s assistance, annnnnnd ONE! • Core and More, Tuesdays in Woodfin YMCA. In addition to the core, we will be working on those soft, floppy appendages attached to your pathetic core.
Mountain Xpress staff prepares for rival launch of Asheville Scene by joining Asheville Scene
Asheville, MondAy — Mountain Xpress employees are making last-ditch efforts to secure a future for themselves by reaching out to colleagues in the media through back-channel contacts, hoping to guarantee safe transit from their besieged indie offices on Wall Street in downtown Asheville to the safe confines of the Asheville Citizen-Times offices before the official launch of their bitter rivals’ new weekly editorial surface-to-surface missile, Asheville Scene. As a long-simmering media skirmish boils over into a war for readership, editors and managers from publications all over town have reportedly been snatched in the dead of night and whisked away into the darkness by Asheville Citizen-Times operatives, never to be seen in abject poverty again. Mountain Xpress “My loyalty will always refugee/publisher remain with Xpress,” said Jeff Fobes, above, longtime Xpress employee waits at a border crossing. and distribution manager Jeff Tallman, “but I can’t help noticing — if you do happen to talk to anyone at Asheville Scene — a few distribution points around town where Scene could beef up its presence. Honestly, I just want to distribute newspapers, any newspapers.” Other Xpress staffers were more resolute in their loyalty. “I’m proud of our coverage of local politics,” said Xpress staff reporter Jake Frankel. “Of course, any coverage of local politics is good. Is Asheville Scene going to cover — oh, it’s unclear, I see. Are they reviewing hiking trails or anything like that? Because that’s important too, if you’re already putting in a good word for me that is.” Mountain Xpress received some mixed news recently when it was announced that Xpress reporter Caitlin Byrd and photographer Max Cooper had won national awards for their work at Xpress, thus qualifying them to interview for positions at Asheville Scene.
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