Four By Jackie Leonard In a matter of days, I will cross yet another invisible milestone in life, alongside my oldest child. As he turns four years old, I become a mother for the fourth year. Wiser, more experienced, the novelty of this new role is slightly more subdued than the year before, and still, I am just as clueless about whatever comes next. Four feels like the completion of something. A closing. Which is fitting because in this last year, we have gone from a family of three to four. We transitioned from a triangle to a square, four sides to make one whole. There was a finality that washed over me at the birth of our second child that surprised me, even though I’d said over and over throughout the pregnancy that I sensed this would be the last. In the span of four years, I’ve made big decisions, decisions that will impact the rest of my life, and that of my family. Whether it’s my age, or becoming a mother, or a combination of that and more, most decisions during this period of time feel big. This huge shift is what motherhood asked of me, four years ago, as I gave birth to my son and reconfigured what I knew of myself. I’d look into my baby’s eyes and, partly due to sleep deprivation, those big eyes, so like mine, would quote Mary Oliver, accusingly, “What will you do with your one and precious life?” in a way that also begged the question, “What will you do with mine?” When clothes go out of season, when our bodies change, when what we liked before doesn’t spark joy, it’s time to change it. We replace it with things that fit better. Alongside the pile of outfits that were meant for a past version of myself, I’m also letting go. I can no longer wear complacency. Comfort no longer provides the same . . . well, comfort. We are also closing a chapter in our lives, packing our belongings past and present, into boxes. We’re selling our home to a new family, a family of two. Six years ago, this was us — newlyweds and a dog — with plans to put down roots and grow into this home. Instead, we outgrew it in ways that have nothing to do with square feet.
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