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hear this The secret to success just might be a basic skill we never learned: LISTENING TO ONE ANOTHER by diane sembrot
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COAUTHOR Dr. Mary Siegel
NARRATOR Matthew Wunder
e’re all about self-improvement—such as, hitting the gym, consulting nutritionists, mastering new tech— but we might be overlooking a skill we thought we learned: communication. Whether in business (closing a deal or hiring a new employee) or in love (learning about someone on a first date or understanding our spouse of a decade), we could hone our ability to understand and be understood. For clarity, accuracy and productivity, we need constructive listening. The book Are You Really Listening: Keys to Successful Communication (donoghueandsiegel.com), by psychotherapists Dr. Paul Donoghue and Dr. Mary Siegel, offers techniques for listening better. Dr. Donoghue is the director of Community Psychological Consultants, a private practice in Stamford, and the director of Touchstone Communications, a consulting firm on communication skills. Dr. Siegel is a psychologist at Community Psychological Consultants and has served on the boards of Connecticut chapters of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society and the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America. The book was first published by Sorin Books in 2005. So what about the obvious option: to go from page to audio (on Audible, Amazon and iTunes)? Local financial advisor Matthew Wunder (wunderfinancial .nm.com), who uses the book with his team and other financial advisors, volunteered to narrate it. Here, the authors share more about the latest chapter of the book’s longevity, and why its lessons are needed now. Why did you write the book? PD: “For forty years we have been teaching communication skills to business, education, religious and civic groups. After repeated requests from participants for reading materials after seminars, we decided to write Are You Really Listening?”
What’s the main takeaway? PD: “Despite the fact that listening is essential in personal and business relationships, it is woefully absent in most interactions. We trust that the book heightens the need for better listening everywhere in peoples’ lives. We hope that the audio
Why don’t we listen? MS: “We don’t listen because we have never been taught to listen. Instead of listening, we acquire non-listening behavioral habits, such as defending ourselves, judging the speaker or giving advice. Sometimes we even think that we are listening when instead we are talking about ourselves, telling ‘me too’ stories, or presuming that we have already heard what the speaker is saying and then feeling free to launch into what we want to say.”
book helps listeners recognize that there are specific skills to be learned in becoming a good listener.”
How does it help at work? PD: “We can’t really offer pertinent information to our client or customer without first clarifying the need we are being asked to meet. Not listening
Why now? MS: “When there are so many distractions in modern life and so many temptations to multitask, it is more important than ever that we
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results in misdirected and confusing advice. Consequently, time is wasted while frustration mounts. In addition, listening to another person connects to the other in a trusting way, which allows for smoother and more effective interaction. Listening is the essential characteristic of good team building. In a study conducted by Bloomberg Businessweek, a large group of MBA recruiters from multiple industries were asked to rate fourteen skills and qualities that would be most important to see in a candidate applying for employment. Of the fourteen identified qualities, such as leadership skills, analytical thinking, problem solving and decision making, the recruiters overwhelmingly chose communication skills as the most important ability.” What can we do right now? MS: “We can today make listening a priority in our family relationships and in our business interactions. We can slow down by asking ourselves: Am I at this moment focusing on the other and trying to understand the speaker’s feelings
and needs? We can begin to experience the joy and satisfaction of truly connecting with the people in our lives.” How did Matthew get involved? PD: “Our narrator, Matthew Wunder, CFP, is the head of Wunder Financial, a boutique financial planning practice within Northwestern Mutual in Westport. Matthew’s voice lent itself very well to our project, and his passion for our work around listening made him a perfect fit. He and his team report growing their practice five-fold since first engaging us twelve years ago for coaching on a situational basis. They further report significantly improving outcomes in their professional and personal lives from our work as well.” Anything else? PD: “Listening comprises one essential element of effective communication. Honest sharing of oneself is the other half. Our book We Really Need to Talk—not on Audible yet—focuses on the skill of authentic selfdisclosure, a skill as missing from much human interaction as is listening.”
CONTRIBUTED IMAGES
COAUTHOR Dr. Paul Donoghue
learn to focus and listen when someone is speaking. The rewards of respectful attentive listening are profound. When we truly connect deeply with another, we get out of ourselves to appreciate another person, to learn about the other’s feelings, needs, values and beliefs. Learning to give genuine attention is actually learning to love.”