The Fine Line of Codependency

Written by Mi Chuinda Levy, Lifestyle Staff Writer Photographed by Sophia Krupka, Contributing Photographer Modeled by Lara Altilar and Olivia Slapczynski

You can never love too much— or can you? When we enter into relationships, we are investing time, effort and frequently, money with the hope that we may receive the same things in return. However, everyone knows that this reciprocity is not a guarantee—and it is important that you do not fall down the slippery slope of codependency trying to be the white knight for someone who doesn’t necessarily need your saving. In relationships, people tend to gravitate toward the qualities of one of the four attachment styles: anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive, fearful-avoidant or secure.

Anxious-preoccupied attachment best describes those who are highly anxious and cling to the attention and approval of their partners.1 This is nearly the an-

¹ “Attachment Styles and Their Role in Adult Relationships,” Attachment Project, Jan. 25, 2022. tithesis of avoidant-dismissive attachment, which is characterized by emotional unavailability due to excessive independence and high self-esteem.2 Similarly, people with fearful-avoidant attachment styles tend to avoid intimacy and withhold their trust, but it is done out of fear of being hurt.3 Last is secure attachment, which is thought of as the ideal. People with this attachment style are self-confident, emotionally open and independent, while also trusting that they can depend on their partners.4 Codependency, or the need to constantly be with a partner so that one is not alone or without a sense of validation, is associated with anxious attachment in relationships. Without the presence of their partner, those with anxious attachment are left with high levels of anxiety, feelings of abandonment and self-loathing tendencies.

² Ibid. ³ Ibid. ⁴ Ibid. According to Mental Health America, codependency is “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.”5 One of the most prevalent ways codependency is expressed is through the savior complex, or the need to save others from their own problems.6 Even when it is to their own detriment, many people with anxious attachment styles find themselves still looking to save others by making themselves the savior, enabler or fixator of the relationship. For many, codependency and savior complexes reveal an underlying motive for wanting to save others: in reality, it is to save oneself. Unfortunately, no matter how many people someone tries to save, it will never replace the attention, care and validation that they truly crave. If you find yourself trapped in the vicious cycle of anxious attachment and codependency, there are methods to break the cycle, potentially leading to healthier and more beneficial relationships down the line. According to licensed psychologist Dr. Menije, healing codependent tendencies begins with having uncomfortable conversations. Professionals encourage people with codependent tendencies to answer questions such as “Why are you truly attempting to save this person?” and “Are you doing this for them or for yourself?” By asking these things, those with anxious attachment styles will be able to further explore their feelings, reevaluate their boundaries and become better equipped to deal with and regulate emotions without the need for a partner.7 At the end of the day, the best way to avoid entering codependent relationships is to start truly healing through introspection. ■

⁵ “Co-Dependency,” Mental Health America, accessed Feb. 12, 2022. ⁶ Anastasia Summersault, “The Savior Complex: An Honest Look at Your Toxic Codependence,” Medium, Oct. 26, 2020. ⁷ Menije, “Lose You to Love Me: 3 Steps to Overcoming Codependency in California,” Embracing You Therapy, Oct. 11, 2021.