Pleasure and Healing

Written by Jessica Katz, Online Editor Graphic by Shea Murphy, Contributing Graphic Artist

Your body is strong, but it’s also delicate and sensitive, and there’s power in that. You feel with your entire being.

For many, including survivors, there comes a time when you feel disconnected from your body. According to psychologist Lauren Mould this means, “we don’t really know anymore what feels good and we don’t feel connected or in tune with our body.”1 You may feel powerless, like you’ve lost control. You may be hypersexual. You may fear intimacy of any sort. Pleasure can seem very complex, but you are worthy and capable of reclaiming your sexual empowerment.

¹ Kellie Scott, “Using masturbation to reclaim power and pleasure after sexual trauma,” ABC, 2019. The most important sexual relationship you will ever have is with yourself, so it’s important to connect with your body however it feels most comfortable to you. From my own experience, here are some ways to regain control. Exploring your body You cannot connect with your body without exploring it first. Creating body awareness can start small, like paying attention to feelings of hunger or drowsiness. It could also mean recognizing what feels good, like taking a hot shower. Further, Moulds recommends using exercise to reconnect: swimming, meditation, yoga. These practices are important in bringing awareness back to your physical inclinations and needs.2

Pleasure mapping Everyone experiences pleasure differently. Get hyper-specific about where and how pleasure manifests in your physical self. It’s all about calibration and understanding what feels good for you. Pleasure mapping considers pressure, speed, angle and pattern.3 Maybe you love getting kisses on the sides of your neck, or maybe you love getting bitten on your inner thigh. All of that is uniquely you. Reclaiming your body means getting to know exactly how you desire to experience pleasure. Nurturing masturbation Masturbation is more than self-pleasure. It’s an act of self-love: a powerful act we do by and for ourselves. It’s being present with the whole body and all its needs.

It’s important that you make this love the intention of your masturbation.4 This means setting aside time for yourself. Make it a whole night; take a long bath, light some candles and lis-

² Ibid. ³ Britanny Burr, “Pleasure Mapping: Unlocking Pleasure Kenneth Play,” psychnsex, 2017 ⁴ Ibid. ten to soothing music. Take your time, feeling different parts of your body or maybe even trying different toys. Work out what feels good, and what doesn’t. Give your body the attention that you give your lovers. You are in control, and there is nothing bad about feeling good. Show your body gratitude and patience Reclaiming your body is a long and sometimes difficult journey. According to Moulds, “intimacy can be stopped by both our body … or our mind not letting us be willing to be intimate or be close with someone and remembering those kinds of traumatic or challenging emotions.”5

Remind yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s okay for what you want during sex to change. It’s okay to stop or adjust what you’re doing. It’s okay to orgasm—or not to orgasm. Everyone grows into their sexuality at different paces, and that’s okay. Communicate with your partners It is easy to fear intimacy: When you’ve lost control of your body, even for just one moment, how can you trust your partner or even yourself? To regain control of intimacy, communicating with your partner is better than any sex toy. A good partner wants to know what you like and don’t like—so tell them. Checking in, taking a break, stopping or asking for consent won’t ruin the mood. You have no obligation to explain yourself; you deserve to feel safe. The key reminder is that you are in control of your own body. You deserve to have an empowering and healthy relationship with sex. ■

⁵ Ibid.