The Shit We Talk

Written by Gabrielle Gronewold, Editor in Chief Photographed by Anna Janke, Staff Photographer Modeled by Edna Dawit and Emmy Hoban

Ihave sat with the moral and ethical arguments against gossiping for a long time, debating my stance and attempting to cut out this vice that

I hate to admit I do enjoy. At times I’ll make goals and affirmations to drop the chit chat, even calling others out on their remarks. Socially speaking, I have surrounded myself with others who are critical of their gossiping habits, and I have digested plenty of media about the roots of these desires. Over time, I have finally come to terms with the fact there is something innate, relatable and empowering about gossip that I can’t seem to shake, despite feverishly trying. And to be honest, sometimes I just have shit to talk.

To better understand gossip, I think we should first look at the role anti-gossip rhetoric plays in our culture. Growing up we are taught to mind our business, be agreeable, not participate in drama and behave in ways that grant favorable outcomes. Gossip is said to hurt others, create a poor reputation and increase divisiveness. When it comes to religious teachings, the Bible says that gossip divides,1 the Torah speaks of slander’s harmful impacts on victims2 and the Quran urges individuals to walk away from gossip when it is near.3 Now, do I think there is value in these recommendations, lessons and prophecies? Yes. But I also think we have been spoon-fed a self-optimizing approach to gossip that doesn’t account for instinctual human curiosity or human emotion.

Today, research shows the average person gossips around 52 minutes a day.4 Whether you identify as a “gos-

¹ Open Bible, “Gossip and Lies,” accessed March 5, 2022. ² Chabad, “Gossip and Slander,” accessed March 5, 2022. ³ Deana Nassar, “How Muslim Should Deal With Gossip,” About Islam, April 7, 2018. ⁴ Megan Robbins et al, “Who Gossips and How in Everyday Life?” Social Psychological and Personality Science, May 2, 2019. siper” or not, there is a large presence of it in our culture. From tabloids to Yelp reviews, discourse around other humans and their behavior are ingrained and prevalent. In short, even if you think you are an enlightened one, I know you gossip. Anthropologist Robin Dunbar argues gossiping is an evolutionary human device used for social grooming. Taking research from primates, Dunbar argues that when we gossip we can create and maintain social bonds.5 This form of social interaction has served to signal warning, create intimacy and connection and build social norms. According to Dunbar, our ability to communicate effectively and efficiently in this way has contributed to our evolution and survival.6 There is a prosocial element to gossip that benefits us all. The evolutionary role of gossip has nothing to do with gender, but over the course of history, misogyny and patriarchal norms have contributed to a shift in how we perceive the act. The word gossip originates from early cultural norms of childbirth. Giving birth was a significant social event where female-only attendees would gather, discuss and bond. Eventually, gossip became synonymous with daily conversing, but in premodern English culture, it signified deep and strong bonds between women.7

Humorously, gossip is said to have symbolized connections stronger than marriage, which resulted in women upsetting their husbands. This was often depicted by plays, an important art and cultural force in the Middle Ages. Take one of the Chester Cycle Mystery plays, whose plot surrounds a man

⁵ Robin Dunbar, “Coevolution and Neocortical Size, Group Size and Language in Humans,” Cambridge University Press, Feb. 4, 2010. ⁶ Robin Dunbar et al, “Human Conversational Behavior,” Human Nature, Sept. 1997. ⁷ Wikipedia, “Gossip.”

calling for his wife: the wife, too busy participating in her own social life and preoccupied in gossiping, ignores him, and the story ultimately ends with the man beating the woman.8 As the unification of gossip began to threaten the body of marriage, male producers sought to take down the act. Soon, women in plays were depicted “as quarrelsome, aggressive, and ready to give battle to their husbands,” weaponizing female dynamics of the time.9 In reality, women were socially self-asserting and independent—they were not reliant on men for survival. They had their own work, social lives and established cooperation with other women. As this narrative shifted into a more patriarchal one, the narrative around gossip followed. No longer was it a sacred practice of unification, but rather an idle and frivolous interaction.10

And this narrative stuck. According to author Silvia Federici, in today’s world, “women who ‘gossip’ presumably have nothing better to do and have a structural inability to construct factually based, rational discourses. Thus, gossip is an integral part of the devaluation of women’s personality and work, especially domestic work.”11 At this point of my argument, I am starting to feel the gossip shame rain upon me. Am I really going to print my stance as pro-gossip? Does that make me a

⁸ Silvia Federici, “How the Demonization of ‘Gossip’ Is Used to Break Women’s Solidarity,” In These Times, Jan. 31, 2019. ⁹ Ibid. 10 Ibid. 11 Ibid. bad person? Enter my current read: “All About Love” by bell hooks. As I felt doubts over my lived experience of bantering, hooks shed light on gender and gossip in modern circumstances. hooks shares, “Gossip has been a social interaction wherein women have felt comfortable stating what they really think and feel. Often rather than asserting what they think at the appropriate moment, women say what they think will please the listener. Later, they gossip, stating at that moment their true thoughts. This division between a false self invented to please others and a more authentic self need not exist when we cultivate positive self-esteem.”12 In these terms, gossip isn’t an unwise, ill-intended escapade, but rather a socially acceptable self-defense mechanism. hooks acknowledges the often-ignored social reality of the dismissal erasure of female feelings—yet she’s not celebrating the act. Rather, there is a call for self responsibility and self respect to show up authentically. What is interesting to me about this argument is that it’s not pro-gossip but it is pro-women—something we don’t see in other teachings that push away drama or being “un-agreeable.” When I first read this book, I started to think about gossiping not as a nasty fault I needed to rapidly eradicate, but rather as a human experience much larger than myself. The social conditions I have been surrounded by have positioned gossip as a tacky act without acknowledging the safe place it might provide for me to feel, reason, heal and rationalize my world. In the same way that old-English women bonded through shit-talking, some of my most coveted bonds are with the people I can be unapologetic and raw with—gossip, at times, is included in this process. Now, if we are going to gossip, let’s gossip well. Recently in my own chatting endeavors, I have coined the concept “gossip is for giggles only.” And it is. Let’s eradicate the true faults of gossiping, in which we ruin reputations, slander, shame and put down. Gossiping should not be a power dynamic vice that you use to put yourself ahead while positioning others beneath you. If you are gossiping out of spite or because you don’t feel good about yourself, you are no longer giggling and you should take some time to look within.

Let the shame you feel for gossiping dissipate. Let the shame you feel for gendered experiences follow. The act of gossiping comes with an entire portfolio of social expectations and misogyny. There is good reason why we would want to work on our vices, be better people, and find more compassion for ourselves and others, but seldom are self-optimizing approaches to life straightforward. Gossip is a nuanced human behavior that is neither righteous nor demonic. Sometimes the tea is just piping hot and we have shit to talk. ■