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Score races




King of karaoke


I was hit by a snowbird!



ms. Vanilla & ms. Minx’s



The wise drunk


Pig Sean


Mobscene seal of approval







The treasure map of bars


Music Boobie Trap








Benny Baker


Mobscene 3586 London Bridge Rd. Lake Havasu City, AZ. 86404 (928) 453-0954 Publisher/Editor Tyler Byrne

Writing staff Nicole Rodarte Sarai Canles Sean McClellan Eric Draven John Kissinger Dino Bublitz Larry Reese

Photography Dominic Pradetto

Chief Financial Officer Rebecca Rodarte

Distribution Coordinator Walter Byrne

Graphics / Layout EyeSore Graphics Legal Disclaimer The content in this magazine is for the entertainment purposes only. Advertisers are responsible for their ads placed in this magazine. Mobscene Magazine is not responsible for any actions taken by their readers. We may occasionally use images/content placed in public domain. Sometimes, it is not possible to identify and or contact the copyright holder. If you claim ownership of something we have published, we will gladly make proper acknowledgement. Mobscene Magazine may not share opinions and or views stated by the writers and or photographers. Some of the content published may be of a mature nature; we do not, in anyway, condone under are drinking or any other illegal activity.


Havasu Hottie


For those of you who are new or just stupid… Let me clue you in! These last few months our population here along the River has gone through a change. We now have a visiting “Golden Years” population, who have invaded us. They have brought with them on their migration south, their own type of driving habits.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the elderly dearly and sometimes when I am pissed off at these snowbirds and their absurd driving skills, I even think of my own Grandmother, in order to calm down. However the difference is that even my own Grandmother knows better than trying to get behind the wheel. The Blue-Hair: For one thing, they need like 2 miles of open space in order to find it feasible to turn into flowing traffic. Most people, when approaching a green light would proceed like normal, just going through it as effortless as can be, right? Not this snowbird, because for some reason they have it in their head that the light in question is about to turn “yellow”, so they immediately slows down for no apparent reason. For some odd reason, they are strongly against anyone who has to be somewhere and may think that 35mph isn’t quite fast enough on the highway. That being said this 5’2 120 pound blue-haired woman will curse you out like a longshoreman with a bad case of turrets, if you suddenly decide to cut them off. The Tourist: He is definitely a capable driver, but he has certain driving

idiosyncrasies. He is called “a tourist” when he drives, because he will survey the entire scenery while he drives and drives me absolutely nutty. I always just want to yell and tell him, “You live in this area jackass, what in the f’ do you find so “captivating”?” Most people, I would imagine, do whatever they have to do to stay away from the side of those big ass hauling trailers because you might get lost in their blind spot and be crushed like the will to live of a liberal thinker in Arizona. Not this guy, he will drive for miles right beside those big monstrosities without a care in the world, again screwing up traffic for everyone else. The Earnhart: “Fast and the Furious” I call them, and for a good reason. It is like they made a secret vow, when they started driving, to “use the brake as little as possible”. It doesn’t matter that they are now pushin’ their 70’s, lost any sense of direction or vision years ago, or that they can barely see over the steering wheel. They weave through traffic like it was a video game (although they never even played a video game… ever). I would have to say that driving near them can be a horrifying ordeal. When they do find it appropriate to use that

dastardly brake pedal, they do it at the last possible minute, to the point that it would make a grown man scream like woman in a horror flick. But I will say this though, if I ever need a getaway driver for a bank heist in this “One Horse Town”, at least I know that I can find one of these Blue-Hairs will steer me to safety. The Road King: It is my opinion that some individuals can’t handle big automobiles, this guy is one of them. “Being a white republican male, does not give you the birthright to drive a truck!” It’s great and all, it’s just a shame that he drives his truck the same way I make love after too many shots of Jack Daniels, very badly. When he is sober he drives his truck like he has had one too many, letting the truck veer from left or right sporadically, damn near crushing the car on his left and hitting the confused Jack-Rabbit on the right. He also drives incredibly slow on the highway and had to nerve to say to everyone passing him, “What’s the rush??”. Look at your speedometer… “Maybe it is the fact that everyone thinks that you are retarded, based on the fact that your simple ass is doing 45 miles per hour on the God Damn Highway!!”..

That’s right Benny is back!! His Vegas Style “Hellbent 4 Comedy” show complete with all the smoke and mirrors will be coming to Havasu the end of March. For those of you die-hard fans of the magazine you will definitely recall Benny from previous issues. For the rest of you... Let me introduce. At first glance Benny Baker is hard to miss. His hair is bleached blonde and flows wildly from his head, and is probably better described visually as some bastard love-child of Albert Einstein and Billy Idol. His voice is raspy and forced, no doubt due to his lifelong love affair with cigarettes. His wardrobe is self described as the garb of a gay-preist (Sorry for wasting the adjective, Benny) and would in all actuality make any boy from the “Trenchcoat Mafia” green with envy.

the sh*%’s funny, but you find yourself uncomfortably looking around at the others around you to get that general consensus that it’s “Okay”. Let me tell you right here and now! It is okay... Just leave your over sensitive Soccer Mom wife at home because she might not find the humor! Benny will be performing March 29th at the Haha Club at the London Bridge Resort (928) 855-0888

Benny definitely has a type of in your face humor that definitely takes most people by surprise. He is armed with a smart intellect, a soft spot for no one and will not hesitate to drop the F-Bomb at a moments notice. His observational humor has no limits... Everyone is open for attack! From Homosexuals to Soccer Moms, they all find a spot in the act. In the age of everyone trying so hard to be politically correct, the first five minutes of the show are excruciating. You know

mobscene magazine

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Memo boards don’t have to be boring, you can make one yourself really easily and cover it with what ever fabric you like: leopard print, stripes, vintage barkcloth, vinyl etc.

What you do:

Begin by cutting the homasote to the required size/shape. Next, you’ll need to cut a layer of quilt batting to the size of the board. Use a canned spray adhesive, get it at home stores or paint stores, and spray the face and all four edges of the board. Let the adhesive dry. The surface of the board is very porous, so it helps to apply one coat of adhesive to seal the face. Once the adhesive is dry to the touch, spray a second coat. Carefully lay the batting on the homasote, making sure the batting is flat against the board. You’ll need a large enough piece of fabric to cover one face of the board, plus about 3 additional inches on all four sides. A 24-inchsquare memo board, for example, would require a 30-inch-square piece of fabric. Carefully lay the fabric on the board, making sure you’ve positioned it so that you have an even amount of overhang on all four sides. Smooth the fabric down over the batting and over all four edges. As you apply the fabric, you want to make sure that you smooth it and stretch it slightly, but not so much that you distort the fabric’s weave. To attach the fabric, cut away the excess at the corners and fold it into the edge. Staple the fabric to the back of the board. For more how to’s check out there site:

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Dirt, gasoline, raw horsepower and thousands of hard-core race fans makes it impossible, not to get caught up in the excitement. There are just tons of fans in the grandstand and just droves of fans covering the adjacent hillsides. As far as I’m concerened, you couldn’t of found a better way to bring in the new year than with this desert race! As they have been doing for the last 12 years SCORE Racing has brought the desert their first off-road competion of the year. With competitors from all over the country this year’s races went off without a hitch. As a testament to the shear ruggedness of the track; out of the 233 starters, only 114 ever made it through to see the finish line. The drivers in the races drive at almost insane levels with white-knukles to the wheel and the throttles wide open in hopes for the glory and the prize. The event held Jan 12-14th was a two day event, with four to six 8-mile laps each day depending on class of the vechile. In the end it was Vegas’ own B.J. Baldwin in his Chevy Silverado who would take top honors this year. He finished the race in an amazing 1hr 45min 44sec race time. With an average driving speed over 54mph. As far as the spectacular Laugh;in Leap it was Carl Renezeder from Laguana Beach, Calif. who sailed an incredible 159ft to claim the $3,000 prize.

mobscene magazine

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Since the debut of “American Idol” the once lonely Karaoke DJ is now the most over-worked guy in the bar. Give any jackhole a couple shots and there he is, ripping the mic off the stand and belting out their best rendition of “Margaritaville”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the fact that even William Hung would say you suck! The problem is that there are actual unspoken rules to this world of KARAOKE you need to follow before you can grace your drunken ass to the stage!!

The following words of advice will definitely not help your singing in the least bit, but they may help prevent you from getting your ass kicked in the back alley by the “Underworld Society for the Understanding of Karaoke” or U-SUK for short.

a pastime embraced by millions of people around the world!! Myself included, millions of people around the world are singing, on any given night!! As this is the first article, I am going to give you some UNWRITTEN rules of karaoke!

First of all Karaoke, in Japanese, does NOT mean Tone-Deaf!! (Although to hear the Japanese sing it, I can see where the mistake was made) It actually means... Without Orchestra (hence the pre-recorded music)

*CLAP FOR THE SINGERS!!! This is very important!! It takes a lot of guts to get up and sing!! (If you think not.. Try it!! It is not as easy as one might think!!)

Let me start by reassuring you... Karaoke is not some spectator sport gone awry, albeit a lot of people hate Karaoke! It is actually

*DO NOT JUMP ON A MICROPHONE UNINVITED!!! You cannot jump on stage with Aerosmith at a concert, and expect Steven Tyler to let you sing with him do you?? It is not polite! *SING ALONG!!! When someone on stage sees the crowd singing along, It gives them enthusiasm and energy!! Plus, it just

feels good to the singer!!! *HAVE FUN!!! That is what karaoke is all about anyway!! It is not a talent contest, and you may not win a prize. However, if you try it, you may find a new hobby!! Favorite song to sing this month: FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK (WE SALUTE YOU) by AC/DC DISCLAIMER: The thoughts that follow are my own personal thoughts and beliefs!! However, there is factual information within! *Editors note: Dino can be found at any number of the Karaoke bars along the River, and although he is not a member of “U-SUK”, he is definitely an informant for them. So, buy him a drink and by all means follow the rules!!

A O.C punk sound, a gorgeous, black haired, tatted down, female lead singer... What’s not to love. Definitely not the church girl Momma was hoping for... But she’ll get over it! You may recall this band a few issues ago whe we covered the “Cornfest” concert in Mohave Valley a few issues ago. Their performance was definitely something talked about later. When I heard they were coming to Havasu, I knew I would give my left eye tooth to go (it’s a gold cap by the way). Needless to say I was not disappointed. The band has been in existence since 1997 and although has had a few changes in the line up, they are pulling off a show stopping performance. Their old skool punk feel is definitely the initial draw to this high

energy band. However it’s the dose of pop, delivered by the lead singer (Kelly Hall) that hooks you in. It is in these dark days of Emo and Screamo bands that one can appreciate the excellent tracks put down by this band. Thier newest release “Look Inside” is chaulk full of 15 hard hitting tracks. All of which do justice to their So Cal roots. The CD is laced with outstanding tracks like “Darkness Falling” and “I’ve Come Into My Own”. To get wrapped up in the visual aspect of the band is a travesty. I’ve seen plenty of bands who themselves are caught up in the look and lose sight of the music. This band

though not without it’s own eye candy has talent. Kelly (lead singer) was blessed with a beautiful set of pipes. They may not get her the top ranking in the classical arena but thank God cause we would want her anywhere else but in the punk niche BT is given her. The guys in the band are masters of thier crafts and really make up the backbone of this band. CD and gear available at:

Honestly I know I’m not fooling anyone around here with my rants... The truth is I know nothing! But get me drunk... Then the wisdom is a flowin’!! Hence the drunken birth of this article. In the spirt of Spring Break I’ve laid down some rules to help those who find themselves on the darkside of inebriation, and please don’t take these incoherent ramblings with anything more than a grain of salt.

Bartenders: When it comes to bartenders of the opposite sex, view them like strippers: Don’t mistake their kindness as them “liking you!” Just like a stripper, they will smile and endure your horsecrap conversation just for the tips, that’s all Casanova. Tipping is important, not only because that is how these individuals make the bulk of their money, but there are some selfish benefits also. Keep stiffing that bartender his/her tip and you will see your rum and coke quickly become 85 percent coke in a New York minute. Not only that, but if you continuously hook the bartender up they will throw you free drinks occasionally, or give you a sweet deal when the bill comes, or both. If you are indeed a cheapskate, I advise you buy only bottled beer because there is no way they could water down that, they will just give you crappy looks as they hand it to you “You cheap son of a bitch!” The “DJ”: I believe that you treat DJ’s like children, in the sense that you have to discipline them or they will run all over you. If the DJ at your local watering hole is bullcrap, tell him, or that sorry S.O.B. will continue playing AC/DC mixes until you feel a dirty

pg 12

deed coming on, if you don’t he’ll actually thinks that the crowd is digging his musical choices. Or you have what I call “cock-tease” DJ’s, ones who will play a great record but refuse to play the best part of the record. Feel free to grab the turntable, or most probably their Ipod and smashed over their head. Bouncers: My history with bouncers is shaky at best. I try my best to be cool with certain bouncers at bars that I frequent. Being cool with them, learning their names, asking about the family, and having brief conversations with them is sort of an insurance policy. For one thing, if you get in a fight while you are at said establishment you won’t be the one that the bouncer will be punching in the back of the head when he attempts to break it up. Altercations: Fighting is never the way to go and it takes more of a man to walk away, just remember that. OK, now that we have that Public Service Announcement out of the way ... If someone comes up in your face talking absolute crap to you, the safe bet, is to play the “I don’t want to fight you, I’m scared as crap” role. Usually the other party

acts one of two ways, they either back down and accept the fact that you don’t want to fight, or they get overconfident and talk even more crap. If the person does the ladder, you also do one of two things. 1. Immediately try to knock him clean out, with a staggering punch or a wind taking throat-chop. The logic behind this is that it’s my opinion that guys watch too many movies, where both men have lengthy “macho” banter before engaging in fisticuffs. While he is trying to poetically relate how many ways he will whip your ass, interrupt him mid sentence with a punch that his momma can feel. or 2: Continue to play the “scared” role and walk away to buy you some time. The logic behind this is it gives you a chance to size up the situation, see how many guy’s he has with him, then react accordingly. The smart choice, for people who aren’t as stupid as myself, is gather your crap and go home. Or, you can watch him, see that he is by himself, then quickly pick up a pool stick and test its durability by smashing it over his vertebrae. (By all means people, hit him with the solid end, didn’t any of you see “Roadhouse”? Jesus..)

mobscene magazine

I don’t know who sent out the memo that we are now the “Doctor Phil” of the Tri-state, but evidently they did. Either we have been receiving someone else’s mail or you guys are just really pathetic and think that we can actually help you. Hell! We got some space to kill... So here you go guys! A little Dr. Phil Mobscene style!! Q.I just moved here and I want to meet some girls, but I’ve never really gone out and met girls on my own, so I don’t know what to do... what should I do? A. Gimme a f’n break! What am I that guy from the dating game? Get your pansy ass out their and do it! Just go for broke. Face it, in this town relationships don’t work so give it a shot! What’s the worst that can happen, they say “no”? you’re going far dime-bag hooker’s so f’ off. Q. I’m thinking of buying a new car and all my friends say I should get a stick shift. They say that automatics are lame and stick shifts are cooler, but I’ve always had automatics. Is it really cooler to have a stick shift or does it matter? A. Okay honey here you go. Auto,Auto,Auto… 1.



With everyone having a cell phone these days. You can’t talk and drive, yeah f’ that! What’s the point in having a cellie if you can’t use it while you drive? We don’t live in cali, cop’s out here even talk on their phone’s. You can’t drink and drive. Hey now I didn’t necessarily mean alcohol, honey. Because if you don’t have a cup holder and you put the drink in-between your legs like I do. Every time you shift you’re going to spill. Yeah that suck’s!!!! Hell you’ll get out of your car looking like that kid you picked on with the red hair and coke bottle glasses in 6th grade. Road Head!!!! How the hell is your boyfriend going to shift with your fat ass in the way? LOL.

Q. I just found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. And I think that’s crap. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to cheat on her and didn’t do it. What should I do? A. First of all don’t cheat on her. That would make her feel better about it. Here’s what you do… DUMP that bitch cuz once a cheater always a SLUT! Okay here it is, Rub her face in it. Here’s what you do now that you have the sympathy factor from all the other women that the two of you know. F’ HER FRIEND’S... Her best friend first then the rest. If she has a sister that would be the best. See the thing is you have all these women feeling “sorry” for you. HA! Dumbass’s lol… he he he. Use it to you advantage. She will feel like crap. Not to mention the fact that we all live in havasu it’s all small town so it will get around. Every time she goes out she is going to see all these girls that you screwed around with. LOL. It may not make your heart feel better, but what the hell it’ll feel good while you’re doing it! We’re here for you... Send you pathetic problems to for advice and we’ll send you some free stuff from our sponsors!! Isn’t that nice...

It is that time of year once again ya’ll, when we get to reward ourselves with a month-long celebration; if you’re local it’s for puttin’ up with snowbirds all winter. If you’re not, it’s for puttin’ up with a miserable existence all winter in a town not nearly as cool as our stompin’ grounds… One of the extreme benefits of this town is the rare concentration of watering holes, dives, joints, bar & grills and everything in between. All within a 10 mile radius. (To hear me tell it.) No matter who you are or where you’re from, you’d be remiss to not take advantage of this libation oasis that is Lake Havasu City. Your favorite Savah’-Wit-Flava Lola is here to make sure you can hit ‘em ALL and still make rent or make it home, whatever-in the case may be. I’ve broke it down so you can make your own strategy, which is definitely mandatory if you wanna run the whole gauntlet without going broke and/or hungry... I’ve even taken it a step further (check out the parenthesis part) by specifying when is the best time to hit up each one, so you can put together your own game plan, and make a mini-vacation day out of what clueless folk would just consider a bar run…


The Office: NTN interactive trivia, my favorite hi-tech free entertainment, beer specials during sporting events, and you can cop a fat piece of a huge sub sandwich from one of the best samitch shops around, Someplace Special for a buck… (Weekend afternoons & weekday late-nights for drunken NTN standoffs) Coyotes: I’m almost afraid to blow this one up, cause it’s a newly uncovered gem to me; this is the place to stop at when your buddies just wanna get they’re drink on & play pool/darts-you’re down too but would love to grub on sumthin’ better than popcorn… funky kick back atmosphere+full bar+menu full of stuff you can’t get anywhere else in town... priceless… (anytime you wanna drink & get awesome food & get surprised at the bill) Shooters: Some of the cheapest regular prices in town, with well drinks at $2.25, calls 3-fiddy, & Jager bombs toppin’ out at 5!!! I’d go just for that, but if you can time it right, go for my fave, the 12-2pm lunch special that gets you: a hotdog, bag o’ chips AND a draft beer for $2!! (Weekday lunchtime & late night anytime) Firehouse: Anyone that’s been to a warehouse store knows that bigger means savings, and the 20 oz drafts make for big savings at this cool, intimate pub that’s a haven for nonsmokers like myself… (Weekdays after lunchtime, early evening)


The Underground: $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon, all day long, all day strong!! Free pool on Mondays, and all domestic drafts are $1 everyday during happy hour. Live local & national bands every weekend & no cover if you’re down to drink & can do it legally… Wednesday nights a D.J and live bands with happy hour beer prices... that’s not a bargain, that’s a gift… (Monday through Saturday)


Mad Dogs: Lots of places have cheap taco deals here in town, and trust & believe a taco in any shape or form is the best accompaniment to a frosty brew, but the ones here are truly quality, my brothas from anotha mutha rock the kitchen & make the drinks taste better on Tuesdays for just a buck... (Tuesday early evening) McKee’s: Really good beers on draft, which saves if you got the fever for the flava of an import. Also check out the dollar sliders that are so good they deserve a good beer… (Damn near anytime, but best before 9pm) Pour House: This downtown mainstay has ol’ skool biker charm (so you know the prices aren’t uptown) with a 3dollar breakfast sandwich & bloody marys that will make you wanna slap ya’ mama… (Weekend hangover mornings) Desert Martini: Monday night shuffleboard tournaments rock & for only 5 bucks you not only get the endless joy that is shuffleboard, but free food too, a homemade spread no

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less… check out the schooners with a tasty olive… (Sunday & Monday p.m’s) B.J’s: Seven-nights-a-week karaoke, an only-one-in town patio (with full outside bar & entertainment) & singing “star”tenders, you’d think they’d keep their $1.50 pints of Widmer Hefeweizen a secret…oops… (Sunday & Wednesday eves) Kegler’s: Save gas money with one-stop-shopping for fun at this spot. Drink, play pool, bowl & get your arcade on in one convenient spot. Stellar snack bar with unexpected finds, including the best pickles in town; make sure you ask for extra… (Anytime, but skip the high school crowd weekend nights) Havasu Ice House: Killer happy hour and one of the largest selections of liquor in town. One of the few bars that still practices the fine art of drink tokens, hang out for a minute & it’s almost guaranteed you’ll score a free drink….

can win your beer money if your cool enough to rock $2 bets with skill like your own Ms. Lola. The hot dog with fries is fantastic, & you can’t go wrong with 8 inches for 3 bucks… (Sunday afternoons & nights for open mic fun)


Santiago’s Pub & Pizzeria: 75 cent draft beer & free pizza in the bar during happy hour, and since they don’t open till 4, chances are anytime you go it will be happy hour… (Weekdays after 4) Staggerlee’s: Some of the most ridiculous beer specials I’ve ever seen are posted on banners out front, sometimes as low as 75 cents… It also puts you in the mood to feel cool savin’ a buck with its low down funky atmosphere…. (Daylight hours are good, ‘cause the beer is cheap & it’s on the far end)

Gallagher’s: Off-track-betting , which is hella fun, & you

mobscene magazine

Welcome to the world of “Horror Rock”… A marvelous and corrupt music genre if there ever was one. It’s brought into an unholy existence through the fusion of the eclectic sounds of punk rock, heavy metal, and goth-rock. But it is by far the stolen sound bites from horror movies that sets this music apart from anything else. These classic outtakes have generally been the rare gems of a select few. Usually insomniacs, whose nights were spent watching third-rate B-movies in the bluish glow of the T.V. Whose main goal was more likely a feeble attempt to catch a big-breasted glimpse of the exotic vampire host who’s snappy quips who hosted these shows between commercials. CALABRESE was formed by the three brothers from Phoenix, AZ. and by all accounts are one of the best “horror-rock” bands in the business. They have a Gothabilly look including black leather jackets, use fog machines

and lighting reminiscent of some local haunted house on Halloween. There is a definite stage presence that almost needs to be seen in person to be fully appreciated. That doesn’t mean that their first release “13 Halloweens” on SPOOKSHOW RECORDS isn’t worth buying. They are rather two unique experiences in themselves. The live show brings to light their cocky and almost megalomaniac attitude to what they do. Where in most cases this would be a turnoff, they appear to be some type of self-absorbed mad scientist on the verge of bringing some monstrous beast to life. The CD, although a recording of roughly the same songs, is more like the sound track to some horror movie whose

scenes are wildly played out before you with every tune. Everything about these guys reeks of rock stardom and wish them the best of luck... Get their album and gear at:

There are just some items that come across our desk every month that we feel our readers should just not have to live without! Well, here is a few that we feel cut the mustard!

Cutthroat Skateboards

What ever happen to the days when decks really defined skateboarding... I mean the those great decks used by the likes of Natas Kaupas and Christian Hosoi. In the 80’s they tore up the streets, halfpipes, and dreams of a generation. Well Jimbo Phillips of Queen Creek, AZ. hasn’t forgotten those golden days. He’s taking his influences from 50’s rockabilly, 80’s new wave, the “Animal House” college lifestyle, and of course Pirates, to create deck that reek of a time when Dog Town was a way of life rather than a Hollywood Documentary! Cost $54.95

Tasty Wear Pastease

The perfect accessory for your bikini on the river this Spring Break. Their self-adhesive, skin safe, and of course waterproof (a lake must). Most importantly they are laced with those favorite candies you loved on those edible necklaces from the Ice-Cream man. I’m sure these will definitely find a spot on the Sandbar! Cost: $15 Party Gals (928) 208-2104

Tastywear Thongs

Get the party really going with these thong g-strings that also come laced with candy favorites Cost: $22

Angel, Fairy & Devil Dust

What’s better than powdering your lover down with a lickable, shimmering body dust? Well actually I can think of a few things off the top of my head, but without a doubt it would only be better with this stuff! Comes in the following flavors: Honey, Berry, and Cinnamon. Cost: $17 Party Gals (928) 208-2104

Spring Break is quickly coming upon us... Between the half naked activities on the lake and drunken debauchery on land, decisions might often at times seem overwhelming and confusing. A close look at the stars might just be what the doctor would of ordered two weeks prior the penicillin he’s going to inject into your ass by the time it’s over. So take a look and save yourself the long lines and embarrassing questions at the clinic later.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 A picture of you will appear on the internet which links you to the latest Girls Gone Wild DVD release. You will receive numerous requests for media appointments, all of which should be taken. (This may be the only time in your life that you will be able to drink from a mini-bar in your hotel room without feeling panicked by the expense. Enjoy. ) Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19 A tasty concoction sipped at the bar will give you the best buzz of the year. On the way home you will generously give a street bum a large amount of money. Unfortunately the street bum will use this money to buy liquor and his damaged liver’s only hope will be that he is prevented from finishing the bottle by a vicious beating by another street bum.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 An underemployed and underpaid bar employee and part time pagan, will force you to perform a bizarre cocktail buying ritual-dance next time you try to buy drinks for you and your friends at the bar. A similar pickle debacle could also occur at the bowling alley.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Your binge-like parting habits ensure a vomitus ending one of these nights. Ensure you are competent in the Heimlich Maneuver; delay the laying of any new carpeting and ensure the lid on your tropical fish tank is locked shut at all times.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will make up one of the world’s finest nick names this month for an annoying drunk guy at the end of the bar. It is only a matter of time until your entire bar will use it admiringly.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Cats and dogs, but not hamsters or guinea pigs, may prevent a small party from going according to plan - beware of uninvited guests. If not watched they adopt apart of your house as a refuge. Ensure that you take a full inventory of your underpants before they leave.

Gemini May 21 - June 20 A drinking game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ will prove surprisingly lucrative when you unwittingly challenge a person with a false limb. (Remember: paper and rock are his speciality, scissors are very difficult to do when you can’t move your fingers. Make the most of this occurrence to better your financial position, as he is surprisingly loaded. Cancer June 21 - July 22 A book, a magazine or a newspaper will influence you this month in ways that will approach Matrix-like levels of weirdness. Avoid slow karate kicking of assailants this month as in real life this gives them enough time to run away.

Leo July 23 - Aug 22 A cantankerous old drunk has you in his sights! You are blamed for an incident which left him wobbling in the bathroom. You will be surprised by the vehemence of the old geezer’s determination to do you harm. In any scuffle based incidents go for his stick and try to leave no marks.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sept 22 A friendly dog will make itself known to you by the means of the ‘nose in the groin’. The trick is to not grab your groin too quickly when you see the dog going for that area, as it could encourage the mutt to go in harder. However, avoiding to protect that area at all could be seen as sluttish in some circles.

Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22 During these spring holidays a person will make a blatant sexual advance to you while drinking at the club. This advance should be roundly rejected after a period of ‘checking out the goods’.

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21 A moment of inspired porn-based creativity om the lake/home, from times past, is set to reveal itself to others when a video tape you recorded of your artistic endeavours will fall into tiny hands.

Vol 2 Issue 2  

Vol 2 Issue 2

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