December 15, 2016

MN DAILY WILL NOW BE 3X10 PAMPHLET PAGE 3

COFFMAN UNION RAZED TO MAKE WAY FOR LUXURY APARTMENT PAGE 2

ENQUIRER DAILY

DONUT HAVEN! SSSDUDE-HORTONS OPENS NEXT TO TWO OTHER DONUT SHOPS A GRAPH SHOWING INCREASE IN DONUT SHOPS IN DINKYTOWN

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BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY REVEL IN READING FAKE NEWS ANYWAY / IT’S COLD AS SHIT / JOKE ISSUE / DEC. 15, 2016

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EXCLUSIVE!

EL CHAPO HIRED AS NEW U WRESTLING COACH!

A LONG SEARCH PROCESS HIS DRUG TESTING PLAN HIS WRESTLING PROWESS

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new, original doughnut shop — called Sssdude-Hor tons — is set to open in Dinkytown in a longvacant space between Sssdude-nutz and Tim Hortons.

Constr uction on the interior star ted last week, after Kur tis Johnson — a St. Thomas University alumnus who frequented Dinkytown often during his college days because his alma mater always had lame parties — leased the storefront one day after Tim Hor tons opened in November. Johnson said the idea for the doughnut shop just came to him, and that the existing shops had no influence on the decision to rent the space whatsoever. u See DONUTS Page 2

BANKSY BRIDGE MURAL GOES UNNOTICED!

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anksy — the graffiti artist known worldwide for his politicallycharged spray-paint art — attempted to make his debut into Minneapolis’ graffiti scene last week with a mural painted under the Washington Avenue Bridge.

Despite campus controversy over a growing list of vandalism on the bridge’s student group panels this semester, Banksy’s artwork has gone unnoticed for five days.

University of Minnesota administrators say they haven’t seen the mural, which depicts University President Eric Kaler standing on the corner next to the state Capitol building wearing red stilettos u See BRIDGE Page 3

INSIDE THE PAVILION MISSION UNIVERSITY RELEASES STATEMENT NEW, HEAVILYREDACTED MISSION STATEMENT!!

ollowing the firing of longtime wrestling coach J Robinson, the University of Minnesota announced a new head coach for Gopher wrestling.

University Athletic Director Mark Coyle held a press conference Wednesday announcing the hiring of Joaquín Guzmán, more commonly known as “El Chapo Guzmán,” as the new head wrestling coach. University administrators chose El Chapo after a long search process involving 17 dif ferent search committees that cost the University nearly $10 million.

Coyle took to a podium in the McNamara Alumni Center to welcome El Chapo, saying his addition would help clean up a program plagued by drug problems.

“When we look to hire new coaches, we look for integrity, business acumen and somebody who was already extradited to the United States for unrelated charges,” he said.

Luckily, the transfer from prison to the University campus came at no cost to the school, Coyle said, because administrators were able to redeem a buy-one-getone extradition coupon that was previously activated with the hiring of former Athletic Director Nor wood Teague.

El Chapo, already nicknamed The Last Godfather by wrestlers, strolled around campus with athletics administrators, u See WRESTLING Page 7

INVESTIGATION!

BOB DYLAN PROBABLY, MOST LIKELY WORKED AT THE DAILY

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niversity of Minnesota President Eric Kaler released a new mission statement Monday, much to the surprise of many on campus.

The 15-page mission statement — 14 pages longer than a mission statement should be — was almost completely redacted. University spokeslizards said the document was redacted because of educational, employee and hamster data privacy laws.

“We redacted the law because of Minnesota statute 13.43, subdivision 7, chapter 13, paragraph g, room 45, my left pocket 3,” said Everett LaPinky, University spokesperson.

Never theless, the Minnesota Daily obtained a copy of the mission statement from an unnamed Regent who forgot his glasses at home and thought the Daily repor ter was a mailbox. “ T r ust us, we really plan to bone the students on this one,” the mission statement begins. “We haven’t had this good of an opportunity to fuck th University students over in a long time.” u See REDACTED Page 10

#1 DUD E

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ob Dylan — the ninth American to ever win the Nobel Prize in Literature — may have gotten his start at the Minnesota Daily.

There are no records suggesting the world-renown singer didn’t work at the Daily during his three semesters at the University starting in 1959 — so it’s safe to say he spent at least five to six weeks either sleeping or strumming his guitar quietly in the Daily’s newsroom.

On Saturday, felicitiations took place across the state in honor of the self-

proclaimed hometown hero.

As Gov. Mark Dayton declared “Bob Dylan Day” at a celebration in Hibbing, “Blood on the Tracks” played softly in the Minnesota Daily newsroom as reporters and editors gathered around a papiermache shrine of Bob Dylan’s head, while chanting “Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.”

“It brings tears to my eyes to think — er, know — he may have written for the same paper I do,” one reporter said. “I’m u See DYLAN Page 8

ROOMMATE WHO FILLS BRITA PITCHER THE ‘BACKBONE OF HOUSE’

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hough ostracized by his roommates for failing to assume basic responsibilities, junior Marty Thompson’s consistent ability to refill the Brita pitcher makes him an invaluable asset to his household.

“When I see it’s almost empty, I just take it out of the fridge and fill it with water,” Thompson said. “It’s not an easy job, but somebody has to do it.”

While he never does his own dishes, leaves garbage lying all over the common areas and never pays his rent or utility bills on time, Thompson said his commitment to

filling up the Brita pitcher makes him feel like the house mother.

“I’m always doing it,” he said, shoving a three-week-old pile of his own dirty dishes aside to make room for the Brita pitcher on the counter. “Sometimes I wonder what these people would do if I wasn’t around.”

After throwing a wadded-up paper towel in the vicinity of the trash can and missing, Thompson rummaged around the fridge to grab one of his roommates’ beers. He said filling the Brita pitcher is a fair tradeoff for u See BRITA Page 5 VOLUME 117 ISSUE 29

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COFFMAN

DEMOLISHED! Thursday, December 15, 2016

To save on demolition costs, regents don hardhats and lay into the historic union building with sledgehammers Wednesday.

Students protest the plans for a new 1,000-unit luxury apartment building.

No fewer than five s t uden t s p r o t e s t e d on Wednesday against the University’s af firmation of plans to turn Cof fman Memorial Union into a 1,000-unit student housing complex.

At the Board of Regents meeting, about five students gathered to protest the University of Minnesota’s stance on Coffman’s demolition. Despite the students’ pleas and tears, the Regents voted to approve plans to raze the 76-year-old building for the development of a 32-stor y Golden Lofts luxur y student apartment building by 2018.

The decision comes after months of student protests on social media and a petition signed by several hundred students and faculty that calls to end the destruction of historical buildings.

Abeer Syedah, Minnesota Student Association’s president, was among the protesters and said the Regents’ approval is contrar y to what is in the best interest of the student body.

“This is perhaps the single worst decision in the histor y of this institution,” she said, taking a break from banging on a dr um that was actually a repurposed bucket.

The protest — held by Students against Golden Lofts, a student group created after the plans were initially announced — consisted of

maybe one or two faculty members and University staff who opposed the apartment construction.

“These apartments will ruin the student experience on campus,” said Cooper Sanders, the staff president of SAGL. English professor James Watley, who has taught at the University since 1972, said Coffman is an important part of the University’s history.

“I just can’t let Coffman fall without a fight. I can’t stand by and let these students lose what may be the best building in the area,” he said.

Following the approval of the plans, Kaler and the other regents were escorted out of the building by University police.

“The apar tments will

FRESHMAN GETS “SOOO DRUNK” AT PARTY AFTER ACING MIDTERM! And he wasn’t even hungover!

Honors student Steve Depp took his productivity to a whole new level at a University of Minnesota dorm party Friday night.

Depp ended his epic night of inebriation at around 2:50 a.m. Saturday, according to witnesses.

“Steve had to have had, like, at least 30 beers,” said Thomas Feldmeyer, Depp’s roommate best friend since early October. He said many girls were “very impressed”

by Depp’s drinking.

“I’m struggling to think

of something cooler that I’ve seen in the past few years,” said Stacey Kowasaki, a fellow freshman in the honors program.

Capt. James Wittigen of the University of Minnesota Police, said he had to refer Depp to administration when the department was notified of his behavior on Friday. He has since been awarded a full-ride scholarship to the drinking team.

“We really haven’t seen this level of commitment to a collegiate atmosphere in

a long time,” Wittigen said, “and it’s really great to see it coming back again.”

On Monday in front of a large crowd outside Northrop, Depp told onlookers that it really wasn’t a big deal. He parties all the time, and his older brother goes here, he said.

“I mean, I wasn’t even that drunk. I usually drink way mor e, but I had a midterm, which I aced, so it was fine,” he said as the crowd erupted into chants of his name.

add a new dimension to the University campus … and students will appreciate this,” Kaler said in a statement released by Kaler following the decision. “That being said, I am deeply saddened to see the nice old building go. She was good to me.”

Plans for the new apartments were introduced by Kaler’s office and Bourgie Associates, a Minneapolisbased housing company that has recently built several other apar tments in the campus area such as the FloCo Fusion, WAHU Student Apar tments and Radius at 15th.

Bourgie Associates spokesman Joshua Fridley said he protested the destruction of Coffman when the Regents voted in 2010 to build an extension of

the University’s Masonic Children’s Hospital there.

“We at Bourgie think this luxury housing facility will be much more useful to students in the future,” he said. “Obviously, when I protested it was against another cancer building, which we already have enough of.”

Regents Dean John son and Linda Cohen said the new apar tments will help solve the University’s housing shor tage in recent years.

“With increasing numbers of incoming freshman each year, the University has experienced housing issues and this apartment complex will aid the process,” Johnson said.

Plans for the apartments include lofts, single and double bedrooms. A single

DINKYTOWN RESIDENTS ARE DELIGHTED TO WELCOME EVEN MORE DOUGHNUTS Donuts u from Page 1

“What we’re doing is totally original,” Johnson said. “We’ve seen how the doughnut business has flourished in this area and want to capitalize on that.”

Sssdude-Hor tons will have a unique menu of specialized doughnuts, featuring sugar y cereal, candy bar bits and cookie pieces while also of fering a full menu of Canadian-style sandwiches and soups, which Johnson said is not at all similar to the fare of its neighbors.

Sssdude-nutz owner and University alum Bradley Taylor said he ramped up marketing after Tim Horton’s moved in, but now he’s not sure what he will do.

“You know, I thought it was bad enough after the

first one,” Taylor said. “I don’t have time to deal with all of these copycats.”

S t e v e Yo u n g , a v i d doughnut fan and owner of the now-bursting building that houses the three shops, said Dinkytown can never have enough doughnuts.

“At the one on the left, you got doughnuts. The store that’s moving in sells doughnuts. And at the one on the right, you can buy doughnuts,” he said. “Like a doughnut itself, we could make Dinkytown a neverending ring of doughnut-y goodness.”

Charlie Schroeder, a junior studying economics, said he’ll utilize the new shop’s 24-hour walk-up window after a late night of partying.

“I just like doughnuts and beer, man,” Schroeder said. “The more doughnuts, the better the beer.”

apartment is currently listed at $1,250 per month.

Ellen Humphrey, an English sophomore, said housing is difficult to find for many students.

Humphrey said she will tr y to sign up for leasing once it’s available.

“I never felt any connection with Coffman, and if it alleviates the housing issue, that’s even better,” Humphrey said. “Plus, I heard they’re building a giant slide into the Mississippi and a life-size chess board like in Harr y Potter.”

Syedah said SAGL will continue to fight the decision in coming months to cancel the construction.

“If it takes us tying ourselves to the pillars in front of Cof fman, that’s what we will do,” she said.

FRESHMEN FINALLY DECIDE TO GOOGLE SYRIA! A core of freshmen at the University of Minnesota are coming together to finally locate Syria on a map.

While war wages on in the Middle Eastern country, University students are living comfortably while imagining the possibility that things actually happen halfway across the world.

Disaster at home united the underclassmen Friday night after several seniors called them out for their ignorance at a house party. Now they’ve banded together to prove they’re not as dumb as some think.

First-year geography students Samantha Peterson and Andrew Lewis have been crafting a campaign to teach students how to use a map to locate the Middle East.

The two said they discovered Syria on Saturday using a “search engine” and now want to spread their newfound knowledge.

“Not only can I now show you where Syria is on a map, I can point you to Turkey, too,” Johnson said.

In light of the surfacing confusion, the Freshman Learn Stuff, which organizes seminars on “taboo” topics such as fake IDs and consent, has switched its Wednesday meeting topic from “how to act broke when you’re actually loaded” to a recap of recent current events in Syria.

“I think it’s really brave that people are willing to step out and say, ‘I know what I don’t know — and I don’t know much,’” said Freshman global studies major and Learning Stuff event planner David Anderson. “It’s honestly inspiring.”

Thursday, December 15, 2016

DAILY DOWNSIZES TO PAMPHLET Banksy art The new, bite-sized Daily will be perfect for lining the cage of your pet gerbil.

Who said journalism is dead? It will soon live on in the Minnesota Daily’s brand-new, upgrade-downgrade to a 3-by10-inch weekly pamphlet.

It’s gonna be yuuuge, but small.

There is something to be said of getting less of what you like the least, and the Daily is following its newest research to give you just that.

Our analytics tell us people hate the wor ds “news” and “paper,” so we’re transitioning fully to an “info card.”

“We’re really not sure what we’re doing here any longer,” said Minnesota Daily Board member Emily Johnson, adding the changes will completely revolutionize the Daily’s print strategy.

Johnson said the news just isn’t big enough

anymore to war rant the larger broadsheet papers.

Since facts have taken a backseat to other interests, the full six-sheet pam p h le t will be sp l i t equally between crosswords, spor ts repor ting, advertising and sponsored content.

One great thing the pamphlet will do is revive the prevalence of classified ads for the student body. You will no longer need to use free and efficient online services like Craigslist or Facebook to hawk your garbage because you can now do the same in the Daily, inefficiently and at great cost.

“The advertisements will be in .5 size font, which can conveniently be read with the purchase of [a] Minnesota Daily magnifying glass, patent pending,” said the well-trained dog that handles public relations at the info-card-peddling news organization.

The new pamphlet isn’t the only change the paper is making, either. The

underneath bridge goes unnoticed

Bridge u from Page 1

An untouched stack of Daily pamphlets rots in Coffman Union, the most highly-trafficked area on campus.

Minnesota Daily is also purchasing the continued service of a town crier, who will stand on a box on the mall sidewalk and sell the pamphlets to his little heart’s content.

The crier chosen, a boy no older than 10, will be paid in cof fee beans and verbal abuse.

Our analytics also show that child internships are on

the rise as a legitimate, and not illegal, form of work experience.

Act fast and you can get a free Minnesota Daily magnifying glass, patent pending, by beating our town crier in a bareknuckled brawl outside of the Amazon Prime box on the cor ner of Huron Boulevard and University Avenue.

ADMINISTRATION WANTS UNION INCLUSION Pres. Kaler assured faculty members, “I deserve this more than you do.”

Of ficials at the University of Minnesota filed to be included in a union vote T uesday, a move that surprised many in the midst of a year-long struggle with faculty members who wish to organize.

The decision is the culmination of nearly two decades of planning that began in a subcommittee of the University’s Committee on Committees in 1997. Administrators say stress and lack of communication with faculty members spurred them to action.

“If they’re all going to team up against us, we want to eventually have our own group, too. Safety

in numbers, you know?” a spokesman said.

Some administrators cited instability and stress as reasons for joining the unionization effor t. University Director of Employee and Labor Relations Patti Dion said she’s in favor of an administrative union because her responsibilities have increased since faculty star ted to organize last year.

“I’ve had to find time to send out all these emails about how we’re displeased with faculty unionization,” Dion said. “It’s throwing my whole schedule off, and I’m not receiving any additional support for this extra work.”

Other of ficials, like Provost Karen Hanson, said they hope an administrative union will improve communication

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between faculty members and officials.

“We used to have these great talks about their concer ns,” Hanson said.

“They’d tell us what they wanted from us, we’d chat, and then we’d all have a good laugh. Now, they don’t listen when we tell them that we have their best interests at hear t. I miss how it used to be.”

Administrators have mentioned concerns about working with union organizers and moving too quickly through the unionization process.

“We here at the University prefer slow, decentralized decision-making because that’s what we’re familiar with,” a spokesman said. “Having designated organizers seems a little too far outside our comfort zone. What if they want to take action in a

reasonable amount of time? That would be madness.”

Administrators are hoping to vote on forming a union by the end of fall semester 2031.

University President Eric Kaler said he supports an administrative union because it will better help the University fulfill its landgrant mission.

“We fought hard against faculty unionization, but this is completely dif ferent,” Kaler said. “As administrators, we deser ve the right to collectively bargain for our pay and benefits. The people who teach here? That’s a completely different story.”

At press time, it was repor ted that Kaler was shaking a voodoo doll of a faculty member, shouting “I deser ve this more than you do!”

and fishnet tights.

A source close to Banksy has confirmed the mural’s existence, though repor ters haven’t yet checked the site.

Banky’s newest piece was largely eclipsed by a divisive uprising between Minnesota and Wisconsin students Wednesday. Wisconsinites rallied in protest of signs over bubblers that read, “drinking fountain.”

“It’s disrespectful of my state heritage and culture,” said film and cinematography sophomore Jef f Brooski, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. “I can’t believe it’s 2016 and the signs are still only written in Minnesotan.”

College Minnesotans, the group allegedly responsible for the drinking fountain signs, released a statement on Wednesday evening proposing the University spend its tuition dollars to build a concrete wall along the Minnesota-Wisconsin border to “keep cheeseheads out.”

At the ensuing pr o test, many students were enraged, confused and emotional.

“I’m just here to let out some rage,” said Bethany Johnson, an American studies senior, who asked to be identified as a Scorpio.

Kaler’s of fice has not yet released a statement in an attempt to avoid picking a side, spur ring passive-aggressive subtweets from Student Body President Abeer Syedah, who called Kaler’s of fice “too chicken to stand up for Minnesotans.”

Syedah’s own followers turned against her for the remark — calling her “species-ist.” On Wednesday night, Syedah’s following had dr opped fr om 1,600 to four: her grandmother, two cat parody accounts and another mysterious account known to tweet incomprehensible gibberish, called “@PrezzzKalerYo.” Kaler declined to comment on the Bansky mural, citing a desire to “lay low and let it blow over, or something.”

“It’s disrespectful of my state heritage and culture . . . I can’t believe it’s 2016 and the signs are still only written in Minnesotan.”

JEFF BROOSKI Wisconsonite

OPINIONS: WE GOT ‘EM If you disagree with us, Shoveling is dumb, you are an awful human so just hibernate 4

Day in, day out, we at the Minnesota Daily’s editorial board write these missives out of the goodness of our hearts and for roughly two-thousand dollars, in cash and prizes, to guide the campus community to a true and moral utopia unlike anything the world has ever seen.

Yet, our nobility, loyalty to humanity, and constant sacrifice of multiple minutes a week are too often shirked by readers who send us emails that somehow disagree with our divinely-inspired opinions.

Who dares to oppose us? Members of the student government who claim the University of Minnesota is not, nor has ever been, a theocracy; geology majors who say we don’t understand that water isn’t a type of rock; cafeteria employees who will not give us unlimited waffle fries even though we are esteemed members of the Daily’s editorial board.

All of them are doomed to damnation and will find themselves in the deepest, darkest pits of hellfire once they lose their grasps on these tawdr y existences they deem worthy of life.

To that one sophomore theater major who would not allow us into his Nirvana par ty because we “didn’t

Thursday, December 15, 2016

smell like teen spirit,” what the hell does that even mean? We bought that box of wine to share with everybody, so I guess it sucks to be you since you didn’t even get to have any of it and we had a fun time drinking it together and playing Smash Bros. like a family.

One thing we were actually super, super, super right about — that none of you guys seemed to agree with us on at all — is free speech, which is not some unencumbered right that has no limits, whatsoever, and we were completely in the right to call for President Kaler to remove the obscene panel on the Washington Ave Bridge that read: “The Minnesota Daily’s Editorial Board has had sex with horses multiple times.”

Honestly, what the hell did we ever do to you all?

That was uncalled for.

This all boils down to one simple fact: If you disagree with us, you simply have to admit that you’re a really bad and lame person.

We are all very nice, we hold doors for people if they have food or something in their hands, and we still pray every single evening before bed and go to church sometimes.

So stop saying mean things like “I have to politely

disagree” or “I found your perspective warped and your argument completely nonsensical.” Saying we’re wrong hurts our feelings, and if our feelings are hurt,

it’s tough for us to guide this university to a new, brighter day.

We are God’s chosen speakers — it would do you well to respect that.

Are you tired of dealing with the snow that shows up on your doorstep? Does the idea of confronting subzero temperatures chill you to the bone? Is it about time to find an alternate solution to the unyielding tundra that you are forced to confront ever y winter?

People may say that the simple solution is to move to a place that doesn’t have all four seasons — but if you’re a true Minnesotan, you know you’re no quitter.

You take tater tot hotdish out of the oven with your bare hands and “oof-dah” is your battle cr y. Moving is for the weak of hear t, and the last thing you want is the passive-aggressive shame from your Swedish grandma who thinks you can’t take the weather of her homeland.

No. Moving is not an option, but it’s obvious that going outside is the worst possible plan. You don’t want your fellow natives to know you’re a wuss, and that leaves you with one sole solution: hibernation.

Bears do it, so why can’t we? Besides, if your refusal

to comply with societal norms during the winter months results in some unusually thick leg hair, you’re already halfway to beardom.

Take one last Target run for the essentials, make sure you’re stocked up on all essential canned goods and board yourself up in whatever hovel you’re renting for the semester. The only appropriate times to leave your designated hibernation unit are when the semester starts or when your concer ned parents come knocking because you’ve refused to wake up until the sun sets at eight instead of four.

So break your shovel over your knee, lock your doors and make a blanket nest for yourself. When you have exhausted Netflix as your sole source of entertainment, read through every book you have to distract yourself from the horrors raging outside. Some may call you a shut-in, but when they’re waiting in 20 degree weather for a bus that will never come, you will be the one with the last laugh.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

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Boss roommate refills Brita Brita

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never doing any of the other basic household chores his roommates regularly do.

“Am I a hero?” Thompson asked as he turned on the tap and filled the pitcher up — a task that takes no less than 20 seconds. “I don’t know if I would say that. But you gotta have water to live, right?”

One of Thompson’s roommates, biomedical engineering senior Alexa Klemetson, said that although Thompson constantly neglects the most rudimentary tasks necessary to sustain a domestic living environment — like taking out the recycling, doing laundry or vacuuming — the fact that Thompson is willing to refill the Brita pitcher makes him “the backbone of this household.”

Student finally reads the Minnesota Daily “Only out of desperation,” the student said.

University of Minnesota urban studies junior Eric Kluge said he found himself in a dire situation while studying at Walter Librar y on Thursday afternoon.

He said he had brought his laptop and phone to the library — but nothing else.

“I was just on Moodle reading slides from my bio class,” Kluge said, “and next thing you know, my computer crashes.”

At that point, Kluge said, he was faced with the dilemma of deciding between walking home through a snow flurry or staying in the comfort of the library.

“I decided to stay there. I was in no mood for crappy weather,” he said.

Elementar y education freshman Lester Berman was sitting nearby when Kluge’s computer gave out.

“Yeah, I guess I saw

him pull out his phone and star t playing games or something,” he said.

But Kluge said just minutes into a game of Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, his phone died.

“I had no idea what to do — I still didn’t want to go home just yet,” he said.

By the librar y’s front door, Berman said he witnessed Kluge peering at a stack of Minnesota Daily issues — a sight he said he had never seen before, and hasn’t since.

“I thought he might have been sick or something,” Berman said.

“He just stood there, like, reading, of f of, like, paper. Not a tablet, not off a computer — like, paper.”

Kluge said he only read the campus newspaper out of a bored desperation.

“I picked up a Minnesota Daily, OK? So what?” he said. “The pictures … the pictures were nice, and that Dr. Date dude is sort of funny.”

“We’re still waiting on the November rent from him,” Klemetson said. “He’s a slob, he never cleans up after himself and he routinely gets drunk, blasts hip-hop and cooks eggs at 3 a.m. But he does fill up the Brita pitcher sometimes. I don’t know what we would do without him.”

Wading through piles of Thompson’s laundr y that have been accumulating in the living room for two

months, Klemetson said the messy presence Thompson leaves in every single room of the house is a small price to pay for not having to fill up the Brita pitcher every time.

“I still fill it up myself quite a bit,” Klemetson said, stumbling over one of Thompson’s shoes and tipping over a beer Thompson left on the coffee table a week and a half ago.

“But he does it sometimes.

“... It’s not an easy job, but somebody has to do it.”

MART Y THOMPSON

It’s really nice of him.”

Draining the third beer he’d stolen from his roommate that day, Thompson said he’s just doing his job.

“I don’t need that much credit for it,” he said, leaving a

pan of chicken in the oven that will soon set off the smoke detectors while his roommates are sleeping. “But if it weren’t for me, this household would collapse in on itself like a dying star.”

U goes record 13 days with no admins resigning in disgrace It was a celebration for the University to almost reach the two-week mark.

Almost two weeks have passed since the last University of Minnesota administrator r esigned amidst a scandal, shattering the previous record of six days.

The record was broken after the school’s associate provost for the deputy provost for facilities climate for the subcommittee for investor par tnership resigned.

The exact reason for the resignation could not be deter mined, though

r umors have sur faced that the administrator was caught helping athletes cheat on their drug tests.

At press time and to roaring applause, President Eric Kaler had repor tedly erased the chalk “13” that the school’s administration uses to keep track of resignations.

Citing the culture in the associate provost’s” depar tment, Kaler said it was time for a change, even though the change would force the University to change the 13 to a zero.

“Maybe we’ll be able to get up to eight or nine days next time,” Kaler said in a statement.

“The U’s Roadmap to

Strategic Success only requires us to acquire six consecutive days.”

The group at the press conference applauded past disgraceful resignations such as Scott Studham, Nor wood Teague, Charles Schulz and Goldy’s evil twin, Chad.

Kaler also announced in the statement that the school would be requesting $12 million from the state Legislature to continue the institution’s success.

Still, some administrators said they were concerned about the University’s reputation.

An anonymous administrator who asked not to be named for fear of

retribution said top-ranking of ficials were given preferential treatment to resign in disgrace before lower-level administrators.

“I replaced the brownies in Mor rill Hall with special ones on Tuesday,” the source said. “Three employees had to be hospitalized, yet I was still told that I would only have to be placed under an investigation that would show no definite evidence of wrongdoing.”

At the time of writing, the University was also celebrating 37 hours without a lawsuit and 89 days since the school had been accused of having undue administrative bloat.

Despite smoking ban, University student smokes “[Expletive] the police,” he said, according to multiple witnesses.

Multiple eyewitnesses confirmed Thursday that a man seen smoking a tobacco cigarette on the Nor throp Mall is a “badass.”

The University of Minnesota’s tobacco ban, which took ef fect this summer, pr ohibits the use of tobacco products on campus. But it seems some radicals, echoing revolutionaries like Fidel Castro and Mao Zedong, are metaphorically flipping the bird.

The sources, who wished to remain anonymous, fearing

retaliation, said the man probably wears leather jackets and fights in bare-knuckle boxing matches.

The man, they said, also probably doesn’t recycle and bikes on the sidewalks near Scholars Walk, despite signs clearly indicating that culprits will be hit with ver y, ver y stern looks if he does so.

Based on his cool, calm demeanor, the witnesses said, he had probably just escaped a burning building or popped a wheelie on his motorcycle.

“You know, I pr efer Lucky Strikes, unfiltered, over Camel Blues,” the badass repor tedly said. “They’re too weak for me.”

Between drags of the tobacco-filled stick, the man repeatedly exhaled the smoke, as though he didn’t care where it went, witnesses said.

Several University of Minnesota police officers spotted the man, witnesses said, and stood threateningly nearby.

“The ban’s, like, socially enforced or something.

Of ficers can’t do anything about it,” one onlooker said, adding that she was too intimidated by the man’s blatant disregard for authority to approach him.

Onlookers said they obser ved the man flick the cigarette on the ground and carefully grind it into the cement. He

“The man, they said, also probably doesn’t recycle and bikes on the sidewalks near Scholars Walk, despite signs clearly indicating that culprits will be hit with very, very stern looks if he does so.”

then apparently sauntered off toward the Washington Avenue Bridge, probably to Hard Times Cafe.

SPORTS 6

Thursday, December 15, 2016

@MNDAILYSPORTS

volleyball New app PokeDon Gophers team takes down Go sweeps the U football team in

not-even-close game

Gophers fans can now suppress their disappointment with the new game.

Head coach Don Lucia has been through struggles on the ice with his team going 9-5-2 through the first 16 games.

But of f the ice, he has been thriving.

Lucia recently signed an agreement with Niantic to produce a new, next-level gaming experience known as PokeDon Go. “As a team we have a goal to finish the year as national champions, but personally, I have a separate goal to be the ver y best, like no one ever was,” Lucia said. “To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause.”

Lucia finished the quote by exclaiming the word “Pokemon” to a crowd of reporters last Saturday.

Gophers fans can now repress their memories of a disappointing hockey team by going outside Mariucci Arena and catching characters around the historic hockey facility.

Athletes are featured in the game in the form of Pikakloos, Novaking, Marooneytew, Bischbasaur, Ramsicuno and Schierow.

Senior Sarah Wilhite threw for 300 yards in her first career college football game.

“As a team we have a goal to finish the year as national champions, but personally, I have a separate goal to be the very best, like no one ever was.”

DON LUCIA PokeDon Go Creator

Lucia was quick to point out that even though some of his players took rare forms in the game, they’re all still Magikarps on the ice. He hopes they’ll evolve to Gyaradoses in the second half of the season.

The coach has elevated himself to the form of a Lucipras, which are extremely rare to find on campus, and players are difficult as well.

“I’m a big hockey fan and all, but, I mean, he’s the biggest find there is, and his stats aren’t even that good,” said junior Gunner Maverick. “Seems like a really weird decision by the game company and the coach.”

A screeenshot of the new app PokeDon Go. Head hockey coach Don Lucia calls it “wildly entertaining.”

It was a highly contested battle on Saturday, but the pre-game favorite came out with the victory in the end.

The Minnesota volleyball team defeated the Minnesota football team 28-0 in a football game on Dec. 10.

“Usually I’m pretty ner vous during games or matches,” said head coach Hugh McCutcheon. “But when you know a team is going to run the ball up the middle 80 percent of the time, it really makes things easy.”

Paige Tapp faced some adversity heading into the matchup with zero total star ts in a football game.

She was still able to intercept quarterback Mitch Leidner four times.

Tapp said she was worried about Leidner’s eyesight.

“Do you think he needs contacts or something? On most of those picks, I wasn’t even covering anyone,” Tapp said.

The play of the game happened when Dominos de-

livered pizzas onto the field.

Sarah Wilhite saw that the football team was distracted by the food, and she delivered a perfect ball to Molly Lohman in the back of the end zone.

“What? I didn’t see that play. We’ll address it on film, I guess,” said Gophers football head coach Tracy Claeys.

Dalianliz Rosado was the game’s leading rusher with 150 yards on the ground and two scores.

“I was really worried, but once you break through the defensive line, there’s really no one else on the team capable of tackling,” Rosado said. “At least their kicker is OK.” The volleyball team moves to 1-0 in football games this year. McCutcheon said he has mixed feelings about the game.

“It’s interesting to play a team from the same school,” McCutcheon said. “It’s like I’m proud of our program and very embarrassed at the same time.”

Athletic department pushes for health Intramural basketball player recieves advocate position in Athletes Village scholarship, lifelong dreams fulfilled Concern about athletes’ extracurricular activities has spurred the initiative.

As construction on the new Athletes Village continues, administrators are starting to think about the action off the playing fields.

The athletics depar tment recently announced that it would be looking for health advocates to work within the Athletes Village, providing assistance for athletes who may need it in the heat of the moment.

“We were astounded by the rate of intra-athlete sexual activity at the Rio Olympics,” said athletics director Mark Coyle. “In creating a similar facility for our athletes, we want to make sure they’re safe.”

In addition to extra training and study facilities, the

depar tment said they’ve added two new provisions to the Athletes V illage plans.

The first will be a moped repair shop, and the second will be a health advocate’s office.

The department will be looking for staf f to be on hand to pass out condoms, provide STI testing and answer general sex-ed and relationship questions.

Coyle said while the athletes aren’t supposed to be sleeping or living in the new village, he knows there will be long hours spent there — and that “things happen.”

The International Olympics Committee supplied

each athlete in the Summer Olympics with 42 condoms each for the 17 days of competition. This statistic worried the depar tment and initiated the call to action.

Similar health advocates are already present in dorms, and new advocates will receive the same training and follow the same protocol.

The depar tment mentioned that the new provision doesn’t give athletes the right to allow traditional students into the village, which Coyle said will hopefully lighten the load.

“You’re only that young and good-looking once,” Coyle said. “The emotions and pheromones are running high. It’s crucial that we keep our athletes protected and able.”

The freshman was grateful even though the offer was from Qdoba, not Chipoltle.

Ever y basketball player dreams of the day they’ll earn a scholarship, and that day has come for environmental studies first-year Jake Saxon.

Getting cut from his junior varsity basketball team in high school was just the cusp of his career, Saxon said.

“I had plenty of haters,” Saxon said. “Coaches would always tell me things like, ‘Learn the rules,’ and ‘If you can’t dunk, don’t tr y,’ but I never listened. You miss all the shots you don’t take, right?”

At the start of the semester, Saxon received an offer to join Team 3 in the intramural basketball league.

In the league champion-

ships, Saxon fouled out in the first half but scored on a layup before he left the game.

“I’m probably going to add that bucket to my highlight tape when I get home,” Saxon said.

A worker at Qdoba approached the freshman and of fered him a $25 gift card for all his hard work.

“I was expecting Chipotle, but this is good, too,” Saxon said.

Saxon said he will always cherish his memories as a prominent bench player and that one time, he made a half cour t shot when no one was watching. The varsity head coach of Saxon’s basket-

“I had plenty of haters. Coaches would always tell me things like, ‘Learn the rules,’ and ‘If you can’t dunk, don’t try,’ but I never listened.

You miss all the shots you don’t take, right?”

JAKE SAXON Scholarship recipient

ball team, Bill Bailey, was surprised to hear the Saxon had earned a scholarship.

“I’m not entirely sure I know who you’re talking about,” Baily said.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

STUDENTS: EVERYONE NEEDS TO THINK LIKE ME U student Abby McGraves is sad people are “so closed off.”

As she browses her favorite Tumblr pages and left-leaning political subReddits, Global Studies sophomore Abby McGraves thinks har d about the political rhetoric of the past election.

“It’s just sad that people were so closed off,” McGraves said. “All of the friends that I always talk to said that people were so unwilling to listen to others’ opinions. I felt the same way about the people outside my social circles who had opinions I disagreed with and that I didn’t listen to.”

McGraves, who frequently confines herself to her own rigid filter bubble on the Internet — particularly on social media — said she bemoans the 2016 voters who weren’t open to the political and ideological views of others.

“They’re just so limited to their own beliefs,” she said, scrolling through posts on the Huffington Post, Slate and Occupy Democrats’ Facebook and Twitter pages.

“It’s sad to think they won’t break out of their shells and listen to other people.”

Film and cinema studies junior Max Farnsworth shifted restlessly in his chair as he scrolled through his Facebook feed — a feed littered with posts from AddictingInfo, Think Progress and Mother Jones.

“The whole point of our political process is to be open to other people’s opinions,” he said. “People need to do more of that. Conservatives need to do more of that.”

Typing the final words of his most recent post on his blog “The Obamater,” Farnsworth closed his laptop and pondered the future of political discourse on the University of Minnesota campus.

“I almost wish I knew more of what conservatives

El Chapo hired as new U wrestling coach Wrestling u from Page 1

Global studies sophopmore Anny McGraves contemplates how she will visciously put down political opponents in the future.

actually feel and believe, and why they might feel and believe those things,” he said.

“It could just give me that many more ways to point out why they’re wrong.”

“It just bothers me how they all limit their news content to places like Fox News,” he said, opening the MSNBC app on his phone to check the latest headlines. “I just wish everyone could be as informed and open-minded as the people in my tightly-knit ideological circle.”

Other University students lamented the death of open-minded discussion and respectful political debate on campus, saying they just wish the people they disagreed with would be more open to other beliefs.

“I just don’t think it’s conducive to a democracy,” said master of geographic information science Tom Hark-

ness. “It really bugs me when people are so vehemently opposed to others’ viewpoints.

Unless those people share my point of view. Then it’s fine, I guess. So many people are just so wrong so much of the time.”

Huddled in the comforting confines of a storm drain on the East Bank of the Mississippi River, economics junior and closet-conservative Chad Daugherty said he was afraid to not only express his opinion, but to show his face — for fear of verbal, physical and emotional harassment by left-leaning classmates.

“I just agree with [the Republicans’] fiscal policies,” Daugherty said, tears streaming down his face as he clutched his knees to his chest and covered his head with his hands. “I’m not a racist, or a misogynist, a xenophobe or a bigot. I just

happen to disagree with the Democrats on some things.”

Upon uttering the words “disagree with” and “Democrats” in the same sentence, it was reported that Daugherty screeched like a wounded owl and gazed frantically about as if expecting to be struck at any moment by a flying wrench.

“Please help me,” he whimpered. “I’m so frightened.”

At press time, it was reported that representatives from the Minnesota Student Association, Students for a Democratic Society and Differences Organized had cornered Daugherty in a men’s bathroom on the ground floor of Coffman Memorial Union, menacingly beating rolled up Obama Hope posters against their palms and chanting “Hey-Hey! Ho-Ho! This racist has got to go!”

7

who complimented his stylish ankle bracelet that beeped festively to the folk tune.

The new coach s e e m e d e s p e c i a l l y i mpressed by the Gopher Way tunnels, calling the campus “per fecto para escapar.”

At the first practice under their new coach, wrestlers were especially lethargic, El Chapo said.

He said Xanax use on the team would “pr obably be tolerated for the most par t” because in his experience, the policing of drugs is a sham.

Mandator y dr ug testing was also required during the team’s first practice, and El Chapo r e p r i m a n d e d t h e p l a yers for their lack of dr ug

diversity.

“Adderall, marijuana and Xanax should not be the only dr ugs that you all are taking,” he said. “I expect better test scor es from all of you when the next exam rolls around.”

Not one to back of f of his word, El Chapo made all of the players turn over their drug stashes to him, telling them that they wouldn’t get in trouble if they did so “because that’s totally how r ules work.”

When mulling over the piles of dr ugs in his of fice, El Chapo said he was actually quite surprised.

“Holy shit, I did not think you had this much,” he said.

When the Minnesota Daily attempted to reach El Chapo later in the day for comment, he was nowher e to be found on campus.

“Adderall, marijuana and Xanax should not be the only drugs that you all are taking ... I expect better test scores from all of you when the next exam rolls around.”

EL CHAPO Gophers head wrestling coach

KALER WANTS LAWMAKERS TO DISH OUT $25 Frat member to UMPD: “Who do you know here?” and their MIL FOR INFLATABLE GOLDY SCARECROWS Officers K-9 unit were denied The three massive gophers would scare away any potential robbers.

University of Minnesota President Eric Kaler revealed a new state funding request he says will “inflate” campus security.

At a press conference Friday, Kaler called on state lawmakers to provide $25 million in funding to bring a trio of 50-foot-tall Goldy Gopher inflatables to campus.

Some say the proposal came at an odd time, considering recent criticism by state lawmakers over the necessity of University funding requests.

“I think this type of investment is what makes the University of Minnesota so appealing. And the real kicker is, it’s not just one inflatable.

There’d be three of them, and each would have a specific purpose,” Kaler said.

And the inflatables wouldn’t just be there to satisfy onlookers, he said.

“For the past few school years, we’ve seen an uptick

in crime and robberies on campus. These inflatables would ser ve as a sor t of scarecrow, if you will, designed to scare away potential wrongdoers,” Kaler said.

University spokesman Steve Plumberry, who was an early advocate for the inflatables, said the “Goldy sentinels” will come in three different themes — a farmer Goldy for the St. Paul campus, a stuck-up Goldy to represent the West Bank campus, and the East Bank Goldy will be your typical run-of-the-mill massive inflatable gopher.

Still, Minnesota House representatives said they were hesitant to provide the $25 million needed in funding for the Goldy inflatables, pointing to the $15 million appropriation in 2010 — the last time that the legislature was actually able to agree on a bonding bill — to build a trio of 30-foot-tall inflatables.

Re side nt U nive r si t y of Minnesota critic Gene Pelowski, DFL-W inona, said the University needs to realize that requests for

money for things like fountain soda machines in Morrill Hall, a PS4 for “Kaler’s sick-a$$” office and multiple miniature pairs of Air Jordan’s for the school’s intramural K-3 basketball team, are ridiculous requests.

“Wait, are these serious?”

Pelowski said. “The University needs to fix its crumbling infrastructure, lower tuition and create crushing debt for millennials in the future.”

Speaker of the House Kur t Daudt, R-Crown, initially agreed with Pelowski, calling the school’s requests “quite possibly the most redonkulous thing I have ever heard.”

But Daudt quickly realized he was publicly agreeing with a DFLer and shifted course, promising full support to any funding the University needs for inflatable Goldys.

A Minnesota Daily employee sitting outside of Morrill Hall and looking into Kaler’s office with binoculars reported he was rubbing his hands together menacingly after hearing the news.

Freshman is technically a sophomore, credit-wise “I took a lot of AP courses, which are harder than most high school courses.”

Immediately upon his arrival at the University of Minnesota, business freshman Ashton Larson proclaimed that he’s technically a sophomore, credit-wise.

Larson said during his junior and senior years at Edina High School he took a “plethora” of AP classes, in which high school students take college courses for credit free of charge.

Now in his first year at the University, he’s most proud of the wealth of college credits he accumulated before actually beginning his higher education.

“I’m utterly flabbergasted I haven’t encountered more freshmen who are in the same boat as me,” he said.

“But I guess that’s probably because I’m in more upperlevel classes with mostly

sophomores and juniors.”

Most of his fellow freshmen have languished in basic liberal education required courses like University Seminar and CLA 1001 — classes he bypassed because of his AP credits, Larson noted.

His roommate, John Jackson, said he never gets tired hearing about how Larson played the system because it’s such an inspiring story.

“Ever y time he talks about how much time and money he’s saving, I can’t help but smile and be proud to call him a friend,” Jackson said. “He’s going places.”

Todd Gustafsson, Larson’s high school guidance counselor, said he meets with each student

to discuss the potential benefits of taking on AP courses, which are harder than most high school classes.

“Sure, you save time and money and are exposed to the rigors of college-level work,” he said.

“But above all, being able to tell all your new friends and classmates about your wise decision has to be the most gratifying outcome.”

“I’m utterly flabbergasted I haven’t encountered more freshman who are in the same boat as me.”

ASHTON LARSON University freshman

entry to a frat party last Saturday night.

A freshman member of the University of Minnesota’s Gamma Delta Beta chapter reportedly held his ground when confronted by campus police of ficers during a par ty Saturday evening at his fraternity’s house.

According to a police repor t, of ficers were responding to a smell complaint when they wer e stopped at the door by the frater nity pledge, Chad,

who requested to be identified by his first name only.

“I asked them, ‘Who do you know here?’” Chad told the Minnesota Daily in a strikingly transparent inter view. “One of my brothers told me I needed to keep an eye on the guy-girl ratio, and these two dudes only brought one bitch.”

The UMPD K-9 unit did not take kindly to the cold reception of their animal companion, the report said, but they admitted that they did not, in fact, know anyone at the party.

Chad said the of ficers lingered in the doorway for the next few minutes, “awk-

wardly listing common first names,” but he said he remained unconvinced.

Chad said he then had to call his friend and fellow pledge, Brad Hooper, for backup.

“I just told them, you know, to call who they knew to come down and vouch for them,” Hooper said.

“We can’t just let anyone in. This Smirnof f Ice doesn’t pay for itself.”

According to the repor t, the of ficers gave up on issuing a citation so they could attend to several unpaid parking meters nearby.

8

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Bob Dylan is Daily reporter?

Dylan

u from Page 1

not sure why none of the writing ability has rubbed off yet.”

It’s probably, most likely possible that some of his songs were influenced by his time here. For instance, “All Along the Watchtower” is almost certainly an ode to Prospect Park’s Witchhat Tower, which can be clearly seen from the Daily’s

office windows.

Never mind that the Daily has moved a couple times since the ’60s. If he did work here, he definitely would have seen the tower, meaning he never would have written any of his hit songs without the Daily.

Legend has it that Dylan stopped working here because of his utter lack of ambition to get answers out of sources.

“The answer, my friend,

is blowing in the wind,” would not have sat well with editors at the time.

When the Prize was first announced in October, Duluth mayor Emily Larson told the Star Tribune in a real news stor y, “We look for any excuse to celebrate Dylan here now, and this is a pretty good one.”

It comes as no surprise to the Pacemaker awardwinning Minnesota Daily that the legendar y song-

writer may have had several bylines published, joining Garrison Keillor and Roy Wilkins – other notable alums.

“I’m pretty sure it was in my orientation booklet that Bob Dylan once worked here,” one repor ter said.

“I’m not really sure if that’s accurate, but I’m choosing to believe it.”

Dylan declined to comment, but we know it’s because he knows that we know it’s probably true.

“It’s probably, most likely possible that some of his songs were influenced by his time here. For instance, “All Along the Watchtower” is almost certainly an ode to Prospect Park’s Witchhat Tower, which can be clearly seen from the Daily’s office windows. ”

PAWS ANIMALS PREPARE FOR STRESSFUL WEEK The animals will see hundreds of visitors during finals week, a very stressful time.

Animals at Boynton Health’s Pet Away Worries and Stress (PAWS) program prepare for their most stressful week of the year.

The animals saw over 150 students last semester and were subjected to vigorous, sometimes painful caresses that left four of the animals in a veterinary clinic. This year, the animal handlers at Boynton are wrapping the animals in bubble wrap, allowing petting of their paws only.

“It’s exhausting being cute for that many hours a day,” said Betty, a golden retriever. “Really takes a lot out

of you.”

The University has hired on a squad of a dozen extra chinchillas to allow the fulltime PAWS employees a day off during finals week.

“We all put in overtime last year. Finals week is a very busy time for us,” said James Bake, a three-legged salamander. “Really busy.”

PAWS animals are some of the top-compensated pets in Minnesota, according to the Minnesota Bureau of Labor Statistics. One PAWS employee — Eric the great white shark — was the toppaid animal in the state,

receiving over $30,000 in bloody bits last year.

“People come from across the University community to see Eric. He’s incredibly charismatic and aims to please,” said Jane Badgood, the PAWS head handler.

However, Badgood declined to comment on the rumors circulating that Eric the shark has also received access to luxury suites at the new U.S. Bank Stadium.

According to University records, PAWS canines are the lowest paid and the hardest worked. They are usually paid in kibble, dog treats, toys and stock options at PetSmart.

“We don’t get paid

enough for this,” said Andy, a Rottweiler. “Students sometimes like to tell us about their problems. I had to sit through three meltdowns last year during finals week.”

Dottie, a poodle and University alumna that majored in fashion and interior design, said she worries about the effects the excessive petting will have on her fur. “I just got my hair done,” she said.

Dottie plans to treat herself to a pampering at the doggie spa following finals week.

“They say we are putting in over time to help students since finals are a stressful time for humans,”

“We don’t get paid enough for this.

Students sometimes like to tell us about their problems. I had to sit through three meltdowns last year during finals week. ” said golden retriever Hermon. “There are lots of resources out there for students on campus. We are really trying to raise awareness about how hard this week is for us animals.”

The animals worry that there aren’t any mental health resources for them after the stress of finals week and have started a new campus group called Raising Awareness for PAWS (RAP).

“Our mission is to protest

for better working conditions for us animals,” said Fitz, a basset hound going into his eighth year at PAWS. “That’s 56 in dog years,” he added. “I am getting too old for this.”

PAWS animals will be out and about this upcoming week for students who need to de-stress during finals.

“Don’t come visit us,” ventured Tilly the hen. “We are worked too hard already. They’re treating us like animals.”

U News apologizes for slow DPA response, claims Goldy ate all important documents There is a reason why data requests have not been filled, according to the U. After a long histor y of not filling data requests until two weeks after they are needed, the University of Minnesota’s media team finally explained the reasoning for their delays.

They claim Goldy Gopher disrupted their work by eating important documents.

When he’s not on the field taking selfies with small children or driving around on his electric scooter, Goldy makes his way into the University’s archives, said an emailed statement from U News.

“We are extremely frustrated with the rodent,” said U News’ Everett LePinky.

“Though we have been working with his handler to curb Goldy’s odd appetite, it will be another year before anything actually changes.”

The University has

str uggled to fill data requests ever since Goldy’s birth in 1940, LePinky said.

He was unable to comment on the leaked file from an anonymous U News source titled“goldy_ training_manual.docx.”

Wile E. Coyote, animal behavior professor, said the rodent is notorious for consuming papers and can sense when documents contain important information.

“It’s an amazing sixth sense,” Coyote said. “Most

people don’t know about it and should take the necessary precautions to protect important paperwork.”

To protect data and documents, he said the University should consider installing a rodent-proof security system in the archives.

“We can’t share the location of the archives,” LePinky said, adding that information on the archives themselves was recently damaged by Goldy and can’t be requested at this time.

Professor asks student for extension Preachers He said he had a lot on his plate because checked her inbox later were right, that day and saw an email of finals. Also he’s been going through from Vitalone explaining some personal stuff and it’s been hard. that he needed extra time Rapture to finish grading her pahappened The stress that comes “I was so over whelmed, per. w i t h t h e e n d o f t h e and by the time I got to the “I really don’t see why s emes t er i s r ou g h f or last paper I just couldn’t he would need any extra Wednesday ever yone, but finishing r e s i s t w a t c h i n g t h e time on my paper,” Singer strong has proven nearly impossible for one professor.

In the past, University of Minnesota Spanish professor Lee Vitalone said he usually doesn’t str uggle getting through all of his grading but was uncharacteristically caught this semester in the vicious cycle of procrastination.

With 129 final papers done and only one left to go, Vitalone reported feeling no motivation to grade the last paper in the stack.

next episode of Breaking Bad on my Netflix queue,” Vitalone said.

That episode has turned into a full-on binge, V italone said. Plus, he says, he’s also been dealing with personal problems.

The last paper belongs to psychology junior Mar y Singer, who said the rest of the class got their papers handed back Tuesday mor ning in lecture.

Singer said she

said. “I turned it in at the exact same time as ever yone else.”

The University does not have any existing policies regarding extensions for professors, said school spokeswoman Candice Wait.

In the email, V italone said he will tr y really hard to grade the paper before the end of final exams. If necessar y, he said he would email the paper to Singer sometime over winter break.

Gopher Chauffer adds party bus to fleet “There are no rules,” staff said, “except for the one prohibiting alcohol on the bus.”

Gopher Chauffer riders tested out the program’s newest vehicle, a sober par ty bus, Saturday evening with mixed responses.

The fleet’s recent addition is a state-of-the-art vehicle, nicknamed “Goldy’s Swaggon,” and it is outfitted with strobe lights, speakers, 1 1/2 stripper poles, a gender-neutral bathroom and a selection of five Lil Wayne CDs. Before taking the bus on its premiere voyage, driver Jerr y Smithers announced that there were no r ules on the vehicle save one — alcoholic beverages are prohibited.

“The bus is for safe, hella dope rides home,” he said, “Not for getting crunk.”

To encourage safe and sober par tying, Gopher

Chauf fer staf f said they keep the bus’ minifridge stocked with milk, applesauce and O’Doul’s.

University of Minnesota sophomore Brick Stanley said he enjoyed the first hours on Goldy’s Swaggon. “ I t ’ s p r e t t y g n a r l y, dawg,” Stanley said, adding that a friend, Skeeter, appreciated the plastic “puke tub” provided onboard.

“Yeah, Skeets rallied,” he said.

But Stanley said he and his friend would never use the ser vice again.

After about 90 minutes aboard the vehicle, he said, they were forcibly removed once the bus driver, referred to by riders as “The Man,” noticed members of the gr oup passing around a handle of

“It is outfitted with strobe lights, speakers, 1 1/2 stripper poles, a gender-neutral bathroom and a selection of five Lil Wayne CDs.” Raspberr y Karkov.

Some University students have voiced outrage over the bus’s no-alcohol policy.

Marketing senior and vice president of Students for Drinking on Moving Vehicles, Shethan Nelson, said she questions why Gopher Chauf fer would commission a non-alcoholic party bus.

“Ever yone likes drinking and moving,” she said.

“Why would you provide a party bus that nobody can party on?”

Entire University community to be condemned to Hell.

Students’ plans for winter break went up in flames after the rapture occurred Wednesday.

Jesus Christ, disguised as various vagabond preachers, had been warning University of Minnesota students of the impending rapture for years.

Some of the many University students who dismissed those claims have since been seen engulfed in the fire of eternal damnation on the school’s main mall.

Despite years of foreshadowing, faculty members and students said they were unaware of the impending apocalypse until it began early Thursday morning.

“It’s mostly just annoying,” English sophomore Robert Neville said, while batting away a swarm of locusts. “It’s winter. Shouldn’t these bugs be dead?”

The University’s police department closed Church Street Southeast after a group of horsemen was seen coming out of Tate Lab of Physics.

“I’m pretty sure I saw my freshman roommate in the group,” Neville said. “It’s not much of a shocker; he was kind of a prick.”

Other students have complained about foul-tasting drinking fountain water, firestorms and ongoing final examinations. “ We ’ r e n o t r e a l l y sure where to go from here,” said one for mer apocalyptic preacher.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

TRASH TALK HOROSCOPES Today’s Birthday (12/15): Someone new will enter your life very soon, but they’re going to have to wait for you to finish your lavender-scented bath, you effing beautiful dime, you.

To get the advantage, check the day’s rating: 10 is the easiest day, 0 the most challenging.

Written by Dr. Date

Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Today is a 7 — A group project will take a turn for the worst after you become the least-favorite member. Whatever, it’s just because you’re the hot one and you have dope highlights.

Libra (9/23 - 10/22): Today is an 9 — Everything will be fine as long as you don’t choose today of all days to travel in Scotland.

Trust me.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): Today is a 4 — A big twist is coming up, and it’s both as surprising and as lame as the one at the end of “The Sixth Sense.”

Don’t bother bracing yourself.

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21): Today is a 6 — Your sign may be the embodiment of passion, but that doesn’t mean your next hookup won’t involve more biting than you want.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): Today is an 6 — Do you remember that episode of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” when Will looked up and noticed there was no ceiling? That was hilarious.

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Today is an 5 — The buck stops here. That is, unless “the buck” is your mom’s unstoppable Acura smashing through an unmoveable boulder.

Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Today is a 7 — You’ll regret not returning those sweaters you stole from your ex, but you won’t have to do anything about it. They’re just yours now, drowned in your sweat.

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Today is a 7 — For once, waking up with the taste of codeine in your mouth will be the second-most surprising thing you realize in the morning.

Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Today is a 5 — Goals and priorities are stacking up, but you’re a notorious go-getter. The only thing stopping you is Goldy in his terrifying Drake costume.

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Today is an 2 — They say bad things happen in threes, but you should remember that the gang of seapunks chasing you down the street earlier only counts as one.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Today is an 8 — You’ll finally get the recognition that you deserve. It’ll just be in the form of a Snapchat that involves way more vomit than you’d like.

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Today is a 8 — As one of the more curious signs, you’ll be rewarded with the discovery of what happened to all the slime from Nickelodeon’s late-90s lineup.

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CROSSWORD

FOR FOR RELEASE RELEASE DECEMBER DECEMBER 15, 13, 2016 2016

Los Los Angeles Angeles Times Times Daily Crossword Puzzle Edited Edited by

by Rich Rich Norris Norris and and Joyce Joyce Lewis Lewis

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12/15/16 12/13/16

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By Bruce C.C. Burnikel

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Early Week’sPuzzle Puzzle Solved Wednesday’s PuzzleSolved Solved Monday’s

©2016 Tribune Tribune Content Content Agency, Agency, LLC LLC ©2016

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All rights reserved.

DR. DATE Dear Dr. Date,

Am I joining a cult?

I met these really cool people the other weekend and they invited me back to their place.

We had a good time and hungout until 5 a.m.

They talked a lot about healing and the purity of the soul, but I figured that they were drunk and just being funny.

I went over to their house this last Sunday and it was super weird.

The healing stuff wasn’t a joke and they definitely weren’t drunk. They don’t even drink!

I was really hesitant, but the stuff they were saying about finding inner peace and making sure that you aren’t fighting against yourself really made sense.

Still, I don’t want to get sucked into some Manson-esque cult where they want me to kill someone.

Should I join?

—Easily Influenced Dear Influenced,

I highly suggest that you don’t join that cult.

Instead, you should go to school, get a degree, find a high-paying job, get married and die.

I can’t tell you how to live your life.

Do whatever makes you happy and don’t let others tell you that you shouldn’t.

As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, including yourself, you are free to do anything that you want.

People get too caught up in wondering whether a certain group is good or a certain idea is good, when all you need to ask yourself is, am I happy?

One piece of advice though, move to Bangor, Maine. It’s a great place.

—Dr. Date

Need relationship advice? Email Dr. Date at drdate@mndaily.com.

9

10

New mission for U Redacted u from Page 1

Kaler praised the new mission statement and said that it provided the school with an oppor tunity to make some serious synergistic changes that could only be made with new goals.

But the 99 percent redacted mission statement provided more ammo for University critics who believe the school redacts whatever the fuck they want because no one will stop them from doing it.

Minnesota Daily, Star T ribune, MinnPost and that other half-dead paper in St. Paul joined together in protest.

The thriving industries were able to af ford an adver tisement on one of those electronic billboards that condemned Kaler. Unfor tunately, the billboard only flashed the papers’ message for about a second-and-a-half each time.

“The disappointments just keep stacking up, don’t they,” said Star Tribune owner Glen Taylor.

But the University decided it wasn’t

“The dissapointments just keep stacking up, don’t they.”

STAR TRIBUNE OWNER

going to take the criticism lightly.

With the force that only a $3 billion educational business could muster, Kaler fired back at the newspapers with this statement.

“Fuck you, you dumb assholes. Do you really think that your failing industr y can compete with an institution that can hire 5 public relations people for every reporter? You assholes are right fucked,” he said.

While the r epor ters grappled with the inexplicable way that Kaler was able to redact the actual words coming out of his mouth, multiple public relations workers and lawyers all ran towar d the University president and began leaping on him and melting together to combine into a terrifying

ALL MALE GWSS CLASS BEMOANS LACK OF DIVERSITY IN CLASSROOM Worries include the inability to locate the clitoris and creating an echo chamber.

When Jedidiah Breem enrolled in his first ever gender, women and sexuality studies course, he thought he was ready to learn about the wonders of modern, intersectional feminism.

Instead, he found a class populated entirely by white, cis undergraduate males who feign interest in feminism as a dating strategy.

A Minnesota Daily investigation revealed that, in a cruel twist of ironic fate, men seeking companionship have increasingly filled the ranks, pushing out the once-hallmark all-female classes.

Experts say the lecture halls have increasily become positive feedback loops for the men, who bond in their

loneliness, fragile understanding of masculinity and disdain for women who they say have “friend-zoned” them.

Since entering the GWSS depar tment, Breem has become a de-facto figurehead for a new campaign: Defending the rights and feelings of men.

“We are nice guys!”

Breem shouted while pointing to a “red pill” meme on imgur that supposedly revealed some great inner truth about how women like to hurt good guys.

Tony Clay was witness to Breem’s outbursts.

“I really liked when Jed called the professor a prude,” Clay said. “We came here to pick up girls or at least pretend to be their friends, not hang out with a bunch of dudes.”

But others are concerned that Breem’s long-winded recitations of the Book of

Timothy and Mussolini-esque pounding of fists during speeches have gone too far.

Paul Dano (of no relation to the semi-well-known actor), an under-foot character even among these types of guys, thinks Breem is too much of a meathead.

Still, Clay said he worries there is too much division within the groups, and the best course of action is to fall in line behind Breem.

“We live in a horrid and matriarchal society,” Breem said. “I’m surprised nobody else sees all the evidence. Everyone I interact with every day agrees with me, why can’t my enemies?”

Ultimately, they came to the conclusion that they needed more diversity within the classroom. Not for intellectual stimulation, but because they subconsioucly wanted validation from smart, independent women.

“We haven’t had this good of an opportunity to fuck the Unversity students over in a long time.”

UNIVERSIT Y MISSION STATEMENT

public relations beast.

As the 400-foot tall monster called “PR Kaler” smashed through downtown Minneapolis, he falcon-punched the Star Tribune offices, ripping out reporters and eating them whole.

“Mmmm, that’s good eatin,” the Kaler beast could be heard roaring from miles away.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

STUDENT GOES TO ST. PAUL CAMPUS, NEVER RETURNS Mary Williams has not been seen since Wednesday afternoon.

Splayed among flyers for student activities and local bands, a poster asking for details about the whereabouts of undeclared freshman Mary Williams, missing since Wednesday afternoon, hangs largely ignored by the University’s student population.

Freshman Brianna King, friend of Williams, was the last person to see her when she stepped off the Campus Connector onto the normally static campus. She said Williams had never ventured to the other half of the Twin Cities’ campus.

“Our welcome week leader didn’t even know how to navigate it, so I don’t know why she would just go alone,”

she said. “I was too afraid to go after her and risk getting lost in all the urban farms.”

The St. Paul campus, Minneapolis’ quaint counterpart, is the lesser known of the two campuses said John Newman, head of St. Paul campus security.

“I don’t know how she could have got lost over there.

There’s just the animals and people attached to animals,” Newman said.

Any information of Williams’ whereabouts is to be directed to Newman’s office, located behind the meatslaughtering lab.

King said she tried to gather a search party, but everyone thought she was making the campus up.

“Ever yone thought St. Paul was fake and used to scare freshman, but I guess it just holds people hostage,” she said.

RUSH WEEK WILL PICK UP EARLY NEXT SEMESTER AMONG HATE GROUPS LOOKING FOR MEMBERS Hate groups begin rush week, looking for impressionable young freshman.

For the first time in school histor y, campus hate groups will coordinate r ush weeks for next semester.

Va r i o u s a n t i - s o c i a l justice and racist organizations set up booths and banners outside Cof fman Union this week to persuade students to join their groups.

While some enthusiastic members lovingly refer to their organization as a “hate group,” others aren’t so sure.

“Honestly, we hate a lot of stuf f, so, yeah, I guess we’re a ‘hate group,’” political science senior and Ku Kappa Kappa member Patricia Rober tson said. “Like, this one girl

we tried to r ush last year kept talking about how black lives matter, and I hated that. All lives matter. We don’t have room for that kind of singlemindedness.”

This year, Ku Kappa Kappa’s philanthropy theme centered on Starbucks, which a majority of members said they felt was exacerbating the endless war on Christmas.

“Christianity is under attack,” Rober tson said. “And what’s up with those all-red cups, anyway? What ar e we, communists?”

But Delta Iota Chi Kappa member and EuroAmerican studies junior Paul Deens disagrees with his organization’s ‘hate group’ label.

He said the term carries a negative connotation, while the group prides itself on fostering a positive image for white

supremacists.

“We’re actually quite the diverse lot, too,” D e e n s s a i d . “ We h a v e members of Irish, Swedish, Nordic and German descent. I, myself, am one-sixty-four th Cherokee.”

And members come from all over the nation, he said.

Campus hate-gr oups are also planning to host more collaborative events, like August’s Defunding Planned Parenthood Soiree. “ We u p p e r - m i d d l e classers need to stick together,” said Robertson.

Regardless of how society views these student groups, Rober tson said, the Januar y r ush week will reach out to those who are seeking a likeminded community at the University of Minnesota.

“If you see yourself as a bigot, own up to it,” she