SATAN APOLOGIZES FOR PRIME PLACE
CSE DEAN DEMOTED TO BIOL 1001 TA ADMIN
DECEMBER 14, 2017 THIS WEEK IN NEWS
KALER ASKS STATE LEGISLATURE FOR BEER MONEY BUDGET
TOP STORIES BREAKING NEWS SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT STORE
CITY: U drug dealers release PJ Fleck-themed cocaine RESEARCH: CSE researchers cure ‘Whiskey Dick’ FACULTY: Lion-slaying dentist named med school dean GREEK LIFE: Frat boy sweats as #MeToo movement heats up CULTURE: Freshman excited to ‘turn 21’ at Sally’s ADMIN: Kaler buys out-of-state students dinner first CRIME: Dead body found in mortuary science building LIFESTYLES: Art student comes out as straight CLASS: ‘That guy’ raises hand CAMPUS: Student obeys crosswalk signal LOCAL: Jennifer and Steve are totally fucking
U ATHLETICS HIRES FRANKEN The outgoing senator beat Garrison Keillor in his bid for the position, for which he is eminently qualified.
The University of Minnesota Athletics Department has hired Al Franken as its new associate football consultant. University officials will formally announce the hire on Friday, coinciding with the one-year anniversary of
the football team’s boycott. Franken edged out recently disgraced MPR host Garrison Keillor for the position. Department administrators say the senator’s knowledge will help lift the football team’s high conduct
standards, and his two-hand touch approach will teach players the value of team chemistry. University Athletics Director Mark Coyle said Franken’s history of close encounters would help him firmly grasp
the new role. “I know this is a controversial hire, but I really think he’s going to help build a greater sense of camaraderie among our boys,” Coyle said. Franken will also monitor
head coach P.J. Fleck’s coffee intake. “I think my role as a United States senator has prepared me for the shit-show that is the University football program,” Franken said in a statement. “#BowlEligible.”
Apartment construction keeps on growing; can’t be stopped Experts fear the building may soon cause local air space violations. The Hub, a Stadium Village apartment complex, appears to be growing at an alarming rate. Construction workers fear that the building has become an organic being that is incapable of stopping its growth. Experts fear that it will penetrate the stratosphere within the next three weeks. Mayor-elect Jacob Frey said the project is a benefit to affordable housing and his pet project to gentrify Mars. It is currently at 1500 stories and continues to grow. The building, which began construction in Dec. 2016, has tripled its rate of growth since October. Rates for the four-person apartments on the 358th
Coffman Union to be renamed ‘3M Memorial Union at Coffman’ floor are starting at $4000 per month. “The views are incredible, worth the cost,” said psychology sophomore Tina
Johnson. The city of Minneapolis is updating its ordinances to comply with the new building height.
University regents unanimously approved a motion to rename Coffman Union to 3M Memorial Union at Coffman. The change comes after a recent University exhibit highlighted the anti-Semitic and racist practices of its namesake, Lotus D. Coffman “We used judgment and
careful consideration in this decision. I’m proud that the University took such decisive action on this issue,” said University President Eric Kaler. University insiders say the administration’s next move will rename the University to the 3M University at Minnesota.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
UMPD redirects efforts to community engagement, forgoes police department University of Minnesota Police Department Chief Matt Clark manned the cashier at Tim Hortons in Dinkytown Tuesday, yelling coffee and donut orders to a kitchen full of former officers. In an effor t to stay relevant, UMPD has decided to become a fulltime community engagement group and will no longer function as a police depar tment. Joining Tim Hortons as parttime employees was the team’s first order of business. “We want to be the coffee and donut guys around campus,” Clark said. “We want students to k n o w i f t h ey n e e d those things, we’re the ones to go to.” Clark said officers are excited to be embedded within the student neighborhood of Dinkytown. Plus, he said they also have the added incentive
of employee discounts on coffee and donut orders. As for policing campus and keeping students safe, Clark said he “thinks students will be just fine” without a campus police department. “We just realized our efforts were best used to deal coffee and donuts,” he said. “Sure, we were a police department, but our hearts just weren’t in it.” University President Eric Kaler wasn’t aware the University had a police department, but said he suppor ts the decision. “Yeah, it’ll probably save some money somewhere.” Clark advises students not to worry about the lack of a campus police presence. “University students a r e a s m a r t g r o u p ,” he said. “There’s still 624-WALK.”
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SQUIRRELS
Protest of protests on campus
BRONUT SNACK LIKE A MAN COMING SOON TO THAT ONE GUY’S BASEMENT
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SKWERLS
Hundreds of students gathered in front of Morrill Hall Wednesday to protest the number of protests on the University of Minnesota campus in recent months. The disruption lasted for several hours as participants shouted at administrators and the sky, calling for a ban on protesting at the University. Early in the evening, protesters started shaking with rapturous glee and speaking in tongues. “These protests are nothing but disturbances on campus. It’s ridiculous,” said event organizer Tom Hansen. “Free speech? As if anyone cares about that. There are many more productive ways to get your m e s s a g e a c ro s s t h a n by causing a scene and chanting at administrators.” The protest came in response to the numerous protests at the University this fall, including a protest hosted by a group upset with the construction of bike lanes near campus. “It is annoying that these protests keep happening,” said ar t history junior Jordan Willflower, as he blocked the entire sidewalk with a four-foot-wide sign,
visibly irritating a group of students on their way to class. “It is really disruptive.” During the protest, students marched down University Avenue, blocking traffic for over a half hour. “Freedom of speech is an impor tant topic, and we have a right to tell people their way of voicing their problems is wrong,” Willflower said. The University of Minnesota Police Depar tment was called to the scene after several students stormed into Morrill Hall. “Please don’t do this,” University of Minnesota President Eric Kaler said, shaking his head as students burst into his office. A single tear rolled down his cheek. “Not today. I just want to go home.” The protesters, terrif ie d by t h is dis play of emotion, exited the building without any UMPD intervention. “We did this to make a point,” said political science senior Hannah Griffin. Griffin was arrested by UMPD after she and several other protesters vandalized the statue of Goldy the Gopher outside of Coffman Memorial Union. “It is ridiculous that
the police have to take time out of their days to cover these things,” Hansen said. “We are here today because we are annoyed and believe there are much better ways to get your message across than protesting.” Undeclared first-year student Tiffany O’Neal and several of her friends joined the protest after seeing it on Facebook. “ D o n’ t p e o p l e h ave anything better to do than march around demanding change?” O’Neal said angrily. “But I have always wanted to participate in a protest, and this one seemed to be for a cause I really believe in.” Most members of the group Students for Political Change turned out to protest. “We don’t really know w h a t t h i s i s a b o u t ,” said SPC member Chris Thompson. “We just always come to these things.” When reached for comment, University s poke s pe rs on Eve re t t Lapinky said the University respects students’ right to protest but for the love of god please do so during business hours so that University officials don’t have to deal with this shit outside of the working day.
PERFECT FOR PICKY EATERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.J. Fleck’s secret life as a Zumba instructor revealed
.J. Fleck’s new Zumba class, Elite to the Beat, has opened at a local Lifetime Fitness. The class drew a lot of hype the first three weeks, but by the end of the season, customers complained that much of
the class is Fleck talking about how good it will be in a couple years. “ H e re a l l y l o s t m e when we started having to do more difficult routines,” attendee Ronda Baker said. “He keeps talking about this ‘year zero’ for his class. What
GOPHERS ATHLETES WORRY THEY DON’T HAVE ENOUGH T-SHIRTS Gophers running back Rodney Smith woke up one morning, checked his shirt drawer and, to his horror, there was just one Gophers “Row the Boat” t-shirt at the bottom of an otherwise empty drawer. “What’s up with that?” Smith said. “I am trying to promote the culture, and the school isn’t giving us enough shirts.” Smith isn’t the only athlete who has had troubles with shirt numbers. Athletes from virtually every sport, from swimming to basketball, have expressed their dismay over too few tshirts with the nifty slogans such as “Row the Boat,” “Elite,” “Ski-U-Mah” and “How-Way,” among many others. Freshman swimmer Mackenzie Padington is another athlete who says enough is enough with the t-shirt shortage. “We need more t-shirts, this is unacceptable. It is affecting my swimming and my learning,” Padington said. “If changes aren’t made, I am leaving the program.” The $100 million University of Minnesota athlete t-shirt budget was exhausted after the second week of the fall semester, as each athlete received an estimated 150 shirts — what is considered a lifetime supply by many standards. There are talks of increasing this budget, as athletes from each sport refuse to wear anything that is not an officially branded Minnesota sports t-shirt. Gophers football head coach P.J. Fleck expressed
does that even mean?” F l e c k ’s e n e r g e t i c style led to him earning a prominent role at Lifetime Fitness at a young age. The head coach has been criticized for the lack of results in his class so far, but even then, the local gym has
extended his contract an extra year. “We weren’t going to do that at first, but then a Lifetime Fitness in Fayetteville, Arkansas listed an opening position, we got kind of worried,” Lifetime Fitness owner Julia Reymond said.
Fleck was coming off a Zumba Class where he had a lot of success at a small local gym in Michigan, specially the western side of the state. So far, Fleck has not had the same success in Minneapolis. That has not stopped the coach from
implementing his style, however. “After Becky and Adam were talking about t h e i r f u n w e e ke n d o f wine tasting in Eau Claire, I decided to suspend them,” Fleck said. “We’re trying to change the culture here.”
P.J. Fleck greatly disappointed in University’s cultural studies class
“These shirts are critical to a accepting and enriching environment at our University.” his concern with the looming problem. “This is not part of the culture,” Fleck said. “Tshirts are our number one way of recruiting and instilling the culture within these young people. How do you think we did it at Western Michigan? Row the Boat, Ski-U-Mah, Go Gophers.” University President Eric Kaler said he would bring up an increase in the athlete t-shirt budget at the next Board of Regents meeting. “I would propose a $100 million increase in athletic t-shirt funds,” Kaler said. “These shirts are critical to an accepting and enriching environment at our University.” Though steps are being made to combat the t-shirt problem, some studentathletes are worried about other school sponsored clothing as well. “It isn’t just the t-shirts,” said freshman hockey player Casey Mittelstadt. “It’s the coats, shoes, pants and athletic shorts, they are short on everything. How do they expect me to get in the weight room without the proper athletic attire? I only have 20 right tshirts right now. What am I supposed to do?”
Head coach P.J. Fleck has aimed to change the culture at Minnesota. To do so, he has studied up on various ideas of culture in the University, but after sitting in on a CSCL 1001 lecture, the head coach has become confused. “They didn’t talk about swag class at all,” Fleck said. “Sure, It’s important to hear about immigration and climate change. But what about yoga classes?” Isaac Vayo, a cultural studies professor, teaches the class. The professor said Fleck came up to him after class to discuss the course curriculum.
“Yeah, I just told him we aren’t putting the word elite in every PowerPoint slide,” Vayo said. “What’s the deal with that guy?” Vayo started his lecture by talking about the ways in which islamophobia has impacted college campuses. Before Vayo had finished with his analysis of campus optics to racism, Fleck interrupted. “Let’s make sure we’re g e t t i n g H O W WAY i n there,” Fleck said to the students and professor in the 150-person lecture hall. After students gave him puzzling looks, the head coach proceeded to list off the words that
make up the acronym. This, however, didn’t help. “If anything, I was m o re c o n f u s e d,” s a i d Sven Engle, who attends the class. Engle also is in Fleck’s discussion group. The student said having Fleck in the group comes with frustration. “He pretty much dominates the entire discussion by talking about sleeping giants and the number of Fortune 500 companies Minneapolis has,” Engle said. “The other day he gave us a bunch of t-shirts about the class. I feel like flashcards would have been fine.”
“Yeah, I just told him we aren’t putting the word elite in every PowerPoint slide. What’s the deal with that guy?.”
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Here is the scandalous Father John Misty interview you haven’t been waiting for
Your Holiday Horoscope Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Love life: Let the past be the past – don’t go searching into your ex-lover’s mother’s pornographic history, you just might get lost in it. Academic life: The tidal forces swirled universal detritus to form the rings of Saturn. The spins you experience post-white eagle on Saturday night will circle you with your own respective rings, constituted of mediocre grades, microwaved food and some sort of foot fungus. Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Love life: With the Neptune’s third boil in co-orbit with the moon, now is the time for you to break some rules. Get astro-naughty with your lover — a journey to Uranus. Academic life: It’s the dawning of the age of … a C+. Study harder.
The bearded wonder discusses his new album, Virtual Sex, addiction and the pains of being an intellectual in the entertainment industry. FJM: Can you turn off the air conditioning? It’s cold. A&E: Are you serious? It’s nice in here. FJM: I have to leave the top three buttons of my shirt undone. I can’t sit in a room that’s below 72 degrees. A&E: Are you looking forward to your upcoming album release in 2018? FJM: I don’t look forward to much of anything. I tend to just accept things as they come — if they come — how they come. A&E: So… FJM: Yes. My other three were all great in different ways. “Fear Fun” was a foray into the metaphysical wanderings of the leftist cultural subconscious. “I Love You, Honeybear” shows the complications of a partnership
— when you meet, when you marry — so I tried to bare my soul on this album, and my wife’s, too, although she didn’t really consent to it. She said she liked it, though. After it came out. With “Pure Comedy,” I feel like I cracked the code on this one — I mean, I just figured it all out. Religion, god, the sexes, technology… I suppose life, in short. I’m surprised no one’s awarded me an honorary doctorate yet, honestly. Not that I’d accept it. The system of higher education is so bourgeoisie. But this upcoming one will be the best because it doesn’t take itself too seriously. A&E: Are there any artists you admire or try to resemble? FJ M : M a y b e s o m e chamber orchestras (with my vocals, of course). I don’t really think I’m like any music that’s ever been made. I consider myself a melodious Kant or a harmonic Freud. Y’know the Beat poets — Kerouac, Ginsberg — those guys? I don’t consider them influences necessarily, but I can’t speak for my sub-
conscious. I also listen to Taylor Swift occasionally to stay in touch with America’s everyman. A&E: So how was it bedding Taylor Swift inside the Oculus Rift? FJM: To be honest, I think I made the wrong choice of celebrity. She thought that Aristotle came before Socrates, which really ruined the pillow talk. A&E: Do you need pillow talk for virtual sex? FJM: [mutters something that sounds like “please Brian,” or maybe “plebeian”] A&E: E! News recently released a feature about your attending rehab for virtual sex addiction. How’d that happen? FJM: It star ted with research for “Pure Comedy.” Y’know, getting connected with America’s everyman. So I bought an Oculus Rift. It’s just like I said in “Total Entertainment Forever”: In the New Age, we’ll all be entertained. But to be honest, it was Taylor’s piercing blue eyes that kept me com-
ing back. It’s like she can evaluate your net worth with one glance. A&E: How did your wife handle this addiction? FJM: I’ve been doing a lot of dishes. She wasn’t too happy — she’d always hoped I’d go the Courtney Love route, or at least Marina and the Diamonds. [Our romance] is like [Taylor’s] song about Romeo & Juliet: she’s a pop culture simulacra, and I’m, well, I read JeanPaul Sartre for fun. We’re not supposed to be together, which really fuels the virtual fire. A&E: Okay, last question, Mr. Tillman — FJM: Wait, wait. My name’s not Mr. Tillman. I’m just a grad student in the cultural studies department. A&E: But your album names… FJ M : Y e a h , y e a h , they’re the same as Father John Misty’s — it’s kind of a Meta commentary on social commentary. I can talk about my thesis now if you want. A&E: Uh, no, we’re fine.
Become the man your mom always wanted you to be.
MOMMA’S BOY ULTRAMAN SUPPLEMENTS.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Love life: Open yourself up to love – if you’re in a lukewarm relationship that you are considering ending, try having a kid to spice things up. If you’re single, start answering solicitations from that weird Facebook friend to join their fitnessthemed pyramid scheme. Academic life: You’re typically shy, but Mars is in remission, so when your professor gives you a C on your paper this might be the time to take matters into your own hands. Maybe discuss it in office hours, or stalk their family. Aries (March 21–April 19) Love life: The sun is in noon. Don’t do oral sex. Academic life: Now is not the time to act on your confrontational tendencies. When one of your classmates pulls down your pants during a class presentation, sit down and take it like the meek, yellow-bellied maggot that your father always said you were. Taurus (April 20–May 20) Love life: If you’re in a committed relationship, this is the time for you and your partner to talk about finances: tell your partner that you’ve been selling their family heirlooms to fund your breast milk cravings.
Academic life: A’s are in your future. Go to hell. Gemini (May 21–June 20) Love life: The moon is in accordance with the tides. I see a friendly neighborhood stalker in your future/window. Academic life: Now is not the time for your strong moral compass. TA’s are the weak link of the grading chain; direct bribes there. Cancer (June 21–July 22) Love life: Venus’ orbit is shifting toward the sun. Wear two condoms at a time for better protection. Academic life: Like an orca thrashing on the concrete deck at the gaping maws in front of children still struggling with the concept of object permanence at Sea World, you too are thrashing on a precipice — the precipice of your future. Forget your hopes and dreams, ‘cause you’re just another sardine in the can. Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Fuck you. Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Love life: Erection lasting more than four hours? Call Mike Pence at 202456-1111. Academic life: Honestly, we’re more concerned about the erection, and you should be too. Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22) Love life: Usually you’re the one who approaches people in relationships. This time sit back and wait for a lover to cum to you. Academic life: Somebody’s probably going to try to talk you into writing their final paper/taking their final exam for them. Don’t do it. Unless they pay you more than $50. Know your worth. Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21) Love life: Magic 8-ball says “try again.” Academic life: Magic 8-ball says “better luck next time.” Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21) Love life: Sagittarius? More like vagittarius. Academic life: Your optimistic traits are no use in this neoliberal economy. Get a job, hippie.
GUY’S NIGHT AT UMN RECWELL It’s not gay, okay? Just guys bein dudes.
Because you respect the woman who raised you. And you’re a man.
does blackberry still make phones? they sure do! meet the new
Neuters all cats in a two-mile radius Hard boils three dozen eggs every morning Performs blood rituals three times a day, classic or new age! Plants class-one drugs in the back of your toilet
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SQUIRRELS
IF YOU WANT
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2017
Gopher Psychics Is he really the one for me? in the
Will we get back together?
lati ht re
Will we get married?
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WORD SCRAMBLE Unscramble the letters below to answer the prompts.
Worst fashion choice on campus? Never have I ever...
What’s the worst part of campus?
Your parent’s biggest disappointment.
Answers: Gopheralls, studied, St. Paul, You
Go Har pher’s d Ci der
Get your reading today and find the answer to all of life’s questions.
DR. DATE who is he??
2 2 2
Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9. For strategies on how to solve sudoku, visit sudoku.org.uk. 12/14/2017
DR. DATE *
Ph.D in Love*
Not a medical doctor, just played Operation ™ as a child
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6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6 6
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Thursday, December 14, 2017
Student scores sweet Shoe Tree kicks in deathdefying stunt
REAL SUPER GOPHERS VITALITY!
NEW FORMULA! RE
CH % RI SP ST of EC MA f IA S L
GO AL SUP PH ER ER S
Get it today for just
A student reportedly scored a pair of sweet Adidas sneakers from The Infamous Shoe Tree near the Washington Ave. Bridge Tuesday in a stunt that witnesses described as “pretty fucking weird.” University of Minnesota philosophy student Austin Babcock – who is only in his sophomore year but is, credits-wise, a second-semester junior – had been eyeing up the shoes for a week before he made his move. Babcock stopped by The Shoe Tree around 12:15 p.m. on his way to class. In a lithe, monkey-like motion, he let
out a whoop and launched himself deep into the shoeladen tree, swinging from branch to branch until he reached The Shoes. “I saw these shoes, and I was like, ‘Wow, who would just throw these babies in the tree?’ They’re pretty clean and usable, except for the soles, the laces and also probably the cloth on the sides,” Babcock said, shrugging. “I mean, free shoes.” Witnesses said it was a pretty fucking weird thing to do. “Yeah, it was pretty fucking weird,” said witness Keaton Smithman.
Published on Dec 14, 2017