December 12, 2013

Gophers, Vikings make chore chart for TCF Bank Stadium

CAts

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Mech E building evacuated for ass leak

Student government shutdown enters second week

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FINALS ISSUE

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online exclusives at mndaily.com

Crime

Housing

Entire University robbed

Luxury apartment to replace Al’s Breakfast The one-story, one-unit complex will open in fall 2014.

Plans for a new luxur y apartment complex in the heart of Dinkytown moved for ward Wednesday after unanimous approval by the Minneapolis City Council.

The one-stor y, one-unit development will be built on the site currently housing Al’s Breakfast on 14th Avenue Southeast. Doran

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Companies, which leases 51,000 campus-area bedrooms, unveiled the plans for the luxur y apar tment building in December.

“We’re really winding down on the whole highrise, mixed-use complex trend,” Doran Companies CEO Kelly Doran said.

“This is a whole new breed

Media

of luxury student living.”

The unit will feature amenities such as marble countertops, one stationary bike and one foldaway tanning bed.

Last month, Doran Companies purchased and razed the Varsity Theater to construct the apartment complex’s leasing office. A University student has already

signed a lease for fall 2014.

Hor ticulture sophomore Kyle Trombino said he was “psyched” that his parents agreed to pay the $8,000-per-month rent.

“Me and my roommate went to Al’s last year once,” Al’s Page 4

The University of Minnesota’s 51,526-person student body was walking home from the bus stop Sunday afternoon when a group of young, mediumbuilt men assaulted and robbed them, according to Minneapolis police reports.

Members of the student body said they were walking home with a group of friends at about 1 p.m.

Sunday when a group of men approached them and asked to borrow their cellphones.

Ever yone said the men then punched them all in the face and demanded their valuables. After the students gave up their cellphones and wallets, they said, the suspects kicked them in the stomach for good measure.

University police Deputy Chief Chuck Miner expressed concern over the brazen nature of the crime.

“This one was sure a doozy,” he said.

Losses are estimated at 51,526 iPhones and most U Cards in existence.

Graduate student Drew McAfee said the loss was devastating.

“My last $4 was in that wallet,” he said. “That’s it. I have nothing left.”

Psychology freshman Kaysee Vanderton was also upset by the incident.

“I’m having my dad call someone about this,” she said. “I won’t stop until there are like a billion cops on campus.”

Business senior Joe Student also suppor ts increased police presence on campus.

“I can’t believe they’re ticketing for jaywalking and biking on the sidewalk while crimes like this are robbed Page 2

Pirates

Minnesota Daily Capt. Jack Sparrow wins in recount announces paywall The Minnesota Daily made histor y T uesday when it became the first student newspaper to implement a paywall.

Minnesota’s four thlargest newspaper in circulation is following the industr y trend of uppity newspapers charging readers for content.

The move keeps the Daily aligned with the St. Paul Pioneer Press and the Star Tribune, both of which have invoked the practice.

“If you’ve ever read the work coming from this organization, you know this is justified,” said Jill Abramson, executive editor at the New York Times — which also has a paywall.

Despite fear that con-

sumers will reject the concept of paying for news, Daily editor-in-chief Anthony Wagner said it was a business decision the newspaper had to make.

“We’re confident our readers will follow us here,” he said. “We know we have a faithful audience and that they’ll support us as we take steps to keep up with the changing industr y.”

Subscriptions will cost $100 per month, which some students say is too steep.

“This is why I r ead The Black Sheep,” senior psychology major Tom Stetter said. “I can’t wait to tell them how much I paywall Page 7

In the final count of ranked-choice voting this week, Pirate Par ty candidate Jack Sparrow broadsided likely winner Betsy Hodges to become the next mayor of Minneapolis.

Analysts expected Sparrow to drop early, but with a shipload of new and in-

novative policies, he rallied votes and pulled through.

Once in his new position, he plans to annex St. Paul.

“Come sail away,” Sparrow said. “Come sail away.

Come sail away with me.”

He said all residents “who be yearnin’ for some new horizon” should join

Rec center implements new dress code

his boarding par ty for St. Paul.

“My biggest goal be the promotin’ of violence and large-scale robber y that pirates be known for,” he said.

“My biggest goal be the promotin’ of violence and large-scale robbery that pirates be known for,” Stinky,

Sparrow’s parrot, added.

The takeover will be swift and bloody, Sparrow said, but he expects little resistance from the city.

During his acceptance speech at City Hall on Wednesday, Jones said campaigning Mayor Page 22

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modest is the hottest.

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NEW!

Breaking: Crookston campus burned to ground in 2004 The University of Minnesota’s Crookston campus has burned to the ground, a University faculty member discovered Friday.

Twin Cities geography professor Schmerlock Holmes discovered the damage while searching for the campus on Google Maps in an ef for t to determine where the hell Crookston is, anyway.

The faculty member reported locating the campus after browsing the Crookston area on Google Maps’ maximum zoom setting.

“I saw what looked like three small blackish spots and thought, ‘This has to be it,’ ” he said.

University administrators estimate the campus bur ned down sometime around 2004. Tragically, the incident predated the introduction of the telegraph to Crookston, making a call for help impossible.

Though no official information has been released, it appears both students on the campus perished in the fire, along with the classroom and a tractor.

The University’s Facilities Management coordinator said he planned to travel to Crookston to inspect the damage.

“But I’ve got a lot on crookston Page 6

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Entire University robbed Robbed u from Page 1

happening,” he said.

Police are asking anyone with fur ther information to call the Minneapolis police tip line and refer to case numbers MP-13-00000 through MP-13-51526.

University police have advised students that the surest way to stay safe on campus is to always walk with a group of friends.

Student hunted down for spitting on sidewalk

Meanwhile, a SWAT team

was dispatched to the University of Minnesota to catch a man who allegedly spit on a University sidewalk.

The suspect is described as approximately average height with a medium build and average skin tone. The man was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt.

After spitting, the man got into a Smar t Car he had rented for the afternoon and drove onto Interstate 94, according to the police report.

After a six-hour chase involving 30 squad cars, three police helicopters and a speedboat, the suspect was caught and charged a $115 fine.

other crimes near campus

Target Corp., CSOM to form integrated structure Expect less, pay more® The assembly line to corporate success will soon be even easier for University of Minnesota Carlson School of Management students when the school forms an integrated structure with Minneapolis-based Target Corporation.

Decked out in ruby red polos, CSOM of ficials announced the par tnership at a luncheon Sunday.

They denied the par tnership is a “full merger,” but they said an integrated str ucture would help the already-strong relationship of the two entities.

University President Eric Kaler said administrators will “make up a better name for the agreement

this fiscal year.”

He said people should hold of f on forming conclusions as to what an integrated str ucture could mean for the University.

“We can leverage the human capital of CSOM to synergize the robust price point of this low-hanging fruit,” Kaler said.

Finance junior William Pickledollar III said he was confused about the terms officials were using.

“Honestly, I have no idea what the hell any of these people are talking about,” he said, noting Kaler was already wearing Target-style khakis.

The integrated str ucture will warrant a $1,000 increase in the Carlson School fee for spring semester, CSOM Dean Sri Zaheer said.

According to a release from CSOM, the funds will go toward construction of a new “Target Wing” for the school.

“Thinking outside the box, this isn’t a cut-anddr y issue,” Zaheer said.

“We have a window of oppor tunity; we just need to peel back the onion to understand best business practices for this buy-in.”

Pickledollar said specific plans are still unclear to students.

“Does this mean I can get an inter nship downtown?” he said.

According to docket materials, the agreement has a 20-year term with potential for a 10-year renewal.

CSOM will receive $20 million after gain on receivables held for sale and depreciation and amortization.

“For the love of God, will someone please explain this to me?” Pickledollar said.

He said many students think integrated structure changes are happening too fast.

“The vending machines ar e all Market Pantr ybrand snacks,” he said, adding that he’d seen Target-brand soaps and toilet paper in Carlson bathrooms.

At a press conference after Sunday’s Board of Regents meeting, Kaler said Target CEO Gregg Steinhafel will give the University’s 2014 commencement speech.

“The University is basically drinking the Target Kool-Aid,” political science professor Lar r y Jacobs said.

Crime: When: Where: Info:

Public urination Saturday Coffman Union A University student was ticketed for urinating on the Goldy statue.

Crime: When: Where: Info:

Vandalism Saturday Centennial Hall A freshman spray-painted “Amy is a bitch” on the side of Centennial Hall after his high school girlfriend broke up with him over Thanksgiving break. Police also cited the student for a noise violation after they found him playing Sarah McLachlan loudly in his dorm room.

Crime: When: Where: Info:

Biking Monday Scholars Walk A bike cop was ticketed for failing to walk his bike while patrolling the Scholars Walk.

Crime: When: Where: Info:

Jaywalking Tuesday Church Street Southeast A University student was ticketed for jaywalking while another student was armed at gunpoint nearby.

Crime: When: Where: Info:

Speeding ticket Tuesday Washington Avenue Southeast University police Chief Greg Hestness was ticketed for driving over the speed limit. Hestness said he was on the way to write another crime alert.

SOurce: minneapolis police department, umpd

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Freshmen report more calls from Mom The increase in crime has many mothers of U students worried.

Multiple missed calls and angry voicemails have plagued University of Minnesota freshmen for weeks.

Their mothers have heard about the recent uptick in crime on and around the University campus — a common discussion topic among Minnesota moms in their yoga classes or book clubs — and are concerned for their children’s safety.

Many upperclassmen say it’s possible to spot a freshman phoning their mom by the sheepish expr ession and r epeated “OK”s, “yeah”s and the occasional “sorry.”

Psychology freshman Anita Peters said her mom always calls her about campus crime alerts.

“My mom basically just reads me the exact crime aler ts I’ve already seen, while adding weird self-defense tips,” she said.

Loretta Peters, Anita’s mother, said she’s worried about the crime around campus.

“I tell her not to trust any man she sees on campus — and I mean ANY,” she said. “‘Go for the eyes,’ I always tell her.”

But for some troublemakers like finance freshman Carl Blunder, the crime has become an advantage over nagging moms.

“Before, my mom was scolding me for spending too much money,” he said.

“But now she thinks I’m go-

Luxury apartment to replace Al’s Breakfast in Dinkytown Al’s u from Page 1

he said. “The hash browns were awesome. It’ll be cool to live in the same place I had breakfast that one time.”

The plans moved through City Hall with little community reaction and a notable silence from the grassroots group Save Dinkytown.

Save Dinkytown member Marcus Webster said after months of furiously handing out “Save Dinkytown” buttons and unsuccessfully rapping on Kelly Doran’s bedroom window at night begging him to stop building apartment complexes near

campus, the group’s members finally burned out.

“I’m just so weak,” Webster said.

Jimmy Bergstrom’s greatgreat grandfather opened Dinkytown’s first horse stable in 1889 — a business the family later converted into the beloved Al’s Breakfast.

Bergstrom said he sold his Dinkytown property to Doran Companies for 1,000 blueberry-walnut pancakes and plans to find work at one of the University’s residential dining halls.

“It was sad to say goodbye,” he said, “but the sheer amount [of pancakes] Kelly offered me was just too hard to turn down.”

ing to die, so she’s been a lot nicer.”

Common mom gatherings, such as wine nights or spinning classes, are breeding grounds for inaccurate information and cer tainty that a child is in danger, according to multiple dad sources.

Jennifer Lunce, the mother of an engineering freshman, said she heard about the crime at her book club meeting and began to worry.

“One of my girlfriends, Jane, says kids are getting shot every day on campus,” Lunce said. “She told me it was Obama’s fault, since he’s trying to take away the guns.”

Some mothers are plan-

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ning to start a neighborhood watch program on campus so they could come to the rescue of students in need.

Jennifer Lunce said she’s eager to fend off criminals.

“My son threw some pretty bad tantrums,” she

said, “like last Christmas when he didn’t get an iPhone, so how much worse could it be?”

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Breaking: U’s Crookston campus burned to the ground in 2004 Crookston u from Page 1

my plate right now,” he said. “I’ve got a vacation in March that I still have to pack for. Come to think of it, April’s pretty busy

for me, too. I might as well wait until it warms up a little bit anyway. I’ll put it on my list for next summer.”

University mascot Goldy Gopher worked to bring spirits up Monday in spite of the not-so-recent tragedy.

“[Muffled claps],” Goldy said. “[Spins head].”

University President Eric Kaler wasn’t par ticularly concerned about the incident.

“Crookston?” he said.

“I think I’ve heard of it, yeah.”

Where is the crookston campus?

Kaler asks regents if PowerPoint will be on Moodle University of Minnesota President Eric Kaler interrupted a Board of Regents meeting Friday to ask if a presentation being given to the board would be posted on Moodle, regent sources said.

Kaler reportedly raised his and during a Facilities and Operations Commit-

tee presentation to ask if it would be online to view later.

Regent Clyde Allen, who chairs the committee, looked surprised but told Kaler he would post the PowerPoint to the University’s e-learning site.

“Oh, great,” Kaler said, before closing the legal pad

he had been using to take notes and slumping back into his chair.

The regents meeting was interrupted one more time, sources said, when Senior Vice President for Academic Affairs and Provost Karen Hanson arrived 20 minutes late holding a Starbucks drink.

UMN-Duluth

UMN-Twin Cities UMN-Crookston

SOurce: a semi-educated guess

Thursday, December 12, 2013

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U to fire all admins in name of ‘operational excellence’ Beginning next semester, the University of Minnesota will cut all of its administrative spending and fire all administrators to achieve “operational excellence,” President Eric Kaler announced Wednesday.

The plan will cost the president his job, but the change will make a lasting impact on the University, benefiting students and employees campus-wide.

“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to take to finally reach operational excellence,” he said. “It’s the legacy I want to leave behind.”

Senior Vice President for Academic Af fairs and Provost Karen Hanson said she was also willing to “live on the streets” to achieve the University’s mission. “ F i n a l l y, ” s h e s a i d .

“Later.”

The ambitious plan will result in the loss of nearly 50,000 jobs across the fivecampus system and will save the University more than $500 billion annually.

The savings will go toward fur thering the Uni-

versity’s mission, which includes providing a moped for each student and a statue of Goldy Gopher for each classroom, Hanson said.

“I want so badly to further the University’s mission.

But how will that be possible without the guidance, emotional support and wisdom of thousands of administrators?”

NORWOOD FITZ University sophomore

After receiving criticism for administrative bloat last session at the Minnesota Legislature, the University began tightening its belt.

Sen. Whyte Mann, DFLEdina, said he’s happy Kaler is finally fixing the

problem with the bold cut.

But Mann said he would have liked to see even more spending cuts across the University, such as retracting financial aid for students.

“They should fire some students while they’re at it,” he said. “Scholarships, shmolarships.”

Gender management systems and design studies sophomore Nor wood Fitz said the decision is “messed up, man.”

“I want so badly to further the University’s mission,” he said, wiping away a tear. “But how will that be possible without the guidance, emotional suppor t and wisdom of thousands of administrators?”

Although administrators will get the boot next s e m e s t e r, t h e U n i v e r sity has enough students and staf f to continue to r un smoothly, University spokesman Matt Hodson said.

“We’re definitely not in panic mode,” he said. “Seriously, no one is panicking.”

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Editorials & Opinions www.mndaily.com/opinion

Thursday, December 12, 2013 The Editorials & Opinions department is independent of the newsroom. The editorial board prepares the editorials labeled “EDITORIALS,” which are the opinion of the Minnesota Daily as an institution but not representative of Daily employees’ opinions.

Columnists’ opinions are their own.

EDITORIALS

RELATIONSHIPS

STUDY ABROAD

Open letter: My son needs a date

I’m done. I’m U deserves leaving for Belize. better from studentathletes

My son hasn’t brought home a girl for Christmas in a long time. I’m worried.

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adies: My son, John, desperately needs a woman in his life.

As his mother, I’m taking it upon myself to secure a date for him over winter break.

I’m not sure what the going rate is for a girlfriend in today’s economy, but I have money, and I’d be willing to pay for putting up with my son.

He hasn’t brought home a girl over break since high school. I’m beginning to think I need to place an ad in the Minnesota Daily for him.

Though I feel like I br ought him home fr om the hospital just yesterday, my baby is not a baby anymore. He is 22 years old, and I’m not even sure if he has kissed a girl. Ideally, I’d like for this to happen before his graduation.

So, to the thousands of girls at the University of Minnesota: Please date my son.

I’m already setting a place for you at dinner. I’m baking a pie. I’m famous for my pecan pie. Also, I should add: I can drive you anywhere.

Who knows, maybe you two will hit it of f? None of the previous girls panned out, but who knows?

He’s not much of a talker, but I’m sure you’ll find something to discuss.

I can’t have him laying around at home during winter break, he’ll just play video games until spring semester.

I love John, but the thought that he’ll be alone forever is disturbing.

I’m not sure what I’ll do if I have to make another excuse to my family for him at Christmas this year.

Find it in your hearts, female University students, to date my son. I have money, and I’m willing to pay.

If I see someone wearing shorts, I’m going to lose control over my body and possibly attack them.

I

made the decision last week to study abroad star ting tomor row, despite the fact that the semester is now over.

When I woke up, I could see my breath in my room.

My window was frozen shut, too. That shouldn’t happen in a normal place to live.

When I noticed a couple of snowflakes begin to fall from out of nowhere on top of my bed, I knew I had to get the hell out of here.

About 15 minutes ago, I realized Belize, a countr y in Central America that sounds remotely like “breeze” — hopefully a summer breeze — was right for me. Also, I can’t say I know a single thing about Belize other than the fact that the John’s mom countr y is the bir thplace of

DEATHS IN IRAQ: U.S. & COALITION TROOPS: 4,802 — IRAQI CIVILIANS: 115,916- PLUS DEATHS IN AFGHANISTAN: U.S. & COALITION TROOPS: 3,386 — AFGHAN CIVILIANS: UNKNOWN

chewing gum.

I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve always loved to chew gum, and with this miserable weather, I figured, “What do I have to lose?”

I’ve booked a flight for Friday morning. I’m aware this is before most of my finals.

Going on this trip will cause me to fail my classes, but those F’s can’t hur t me when I’m sitting in Belize, which I’m assuming will have war m beaches, umbrella drinks and survivable weather. Honestly, anything is better than this tundra we call a campus.

I’m not really going for a specific program. Now that I think about it, I’m not actually taking any classes. My bad.

I told my parents that I’d get credit and graduate on time, but there is a significant chance I might not come back at all.

Anyone interested in a beach party?

Anita Break

ENVIRONMENT

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR University should ban pedestrians on campus

The University of Minnesota deser ves the most ef ficient, environmentally friendly and cool transpor tation possible. Thus, the University should ban all pedestrians on campus and only allow bikers on its sidewalks.

With the way Minneapolis is growing, it’s obvious that bikes will eventually reign supreme over other types of transportation. City of ficials are already planning on many more bike facilities, so we should get with the times and make a change. However, that change should force everyone on campus to ride a bike.

Naturally, this is going to involve some drastic changes.

The University should add cycle tracks to connect roads on and around campus with hallways so students, faculty and staff never have to get off their bikes. This would be the most efficient system possible. Also, it would be really, really cool.

To enforce the ban, University police should issue $98 tickets to anyone using their legs without a bike. Since it’s such a huge change, University police could have a six-week monitoring period in which officers issue warnings and teach students, faculty and staff about the ban on pedestrians.

I’m not out to get people in trouble; I only want the University to be the most

energy-ef ficient and modern campus ever.

Going forward, the University should consider a ban on pedestrians because it’s the best thing we can do to make Minneapolis and the University 21st-century places.

Chase “That Jerk Biker” Smith University student

Dinkytown’s McDonald’s should seek historic preser vation

Any University of Minnesota student will tell you they spent their best — but more likely their worst — moments at the McDonald’s in Dinkytown. With the area facing so much development, I urge government officials and the owners of the McDonald’s also known as “DrunkDonald’s” to seek historic preservation status.

Doing so would preser ve a signature coming-of-age process for future University students.

At a Minneapolis planning presentation of the Dinkytown USA Business District Plan last month, some in the audience called for historic preservation of the neighborhood. This plan may preserve less memorable businesses, such as Loring Pasta Bar, Varsity Theater or Annie’s Parlour. Our attention should be focused on the pride of Dinkytown: the McDonald’s at the intersection of Fourth Street and 15th Avenue.

I’m sure I speak for the entire University community when I say McDonald’s has

been an important space for me to find out who I really am. I fondly remember last January when a man threw a chicken nugget at another man, starting an altercation.

If students didn’t have this landmark on campus, the University area would be doing the student body a disservice.

Britta Newsom University student

The University of Minnesota and its students are big dummies

First off, I’m definitely not a University of Wisconsin-Madison student.

Secondly, all University of Minnesota students and their lame University are big dummies.

As a student from an unnamed Midwestern college, I know the vast superiority of the University of WisconsinMadison over its Twin Citiesbased, Big Ten counterpart.

The Badgers have beaten the Gophers in 10 straight football games. If that isn’t evidence of some sort of hierarchy in which UW-Madison is way, way higher than the U of M, I don’t know what is.

But what do I know? I’m just a student from a school that is in no way, shape or form the UW-Madison.

Man oh man, it’s nice to have Paul Bunyan’s Axe, though. However, I wouldn’t have any idea, as I’m clearly not a UW-Madison student.

Roger Wolfe Daily reader

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PAs among student-athletes are on the rise, the Minnesota Daily reported last week, pointing to a harmful shift in priori-

ties.

Several players from the University’s football team told the Daily that coaches will often allow them to skip practice to attend class or to work on a group project.

The news of the athletics department’s obsession with academics came to light following a tweet from a starting Gophers basketball player: “Love basketball, but school comes first. Gotta go hit the books! #schooliscool.” The NCAA fined the University $40,000 for the tweet, which violates the association’s ban on student-athletes discussing academics or acknowledging they are indeed students in any way. Several University officials declined the Daily’s request for comment on the situation.

Student-athletes’ focus on coursework is a worrisome trend that points to a failure among coaches, faculty and administrators to prioritize athletics. Allowing players to skip practices for classes and homework is a disgrace that will surely hurt the University’s ability to receive necessary funding from the state Legislature.

Though classes and exams have a historic and storied tradition in higher education, they cannot be allowed to take over the real reason one enrolls at a Big Ten university: to watch sports. The NCAA should create more penalties for schools that don’t emphasize collegiate sports enough. University administrators must also work to change the negative, overly academic culture at the University.

Together, we can put the “athlete” back into “student-athlete.”

You idiots, I made the whole thing up Dogsledding an Climate change was a effective means big joke, and you all fell for it. of transportation

A Maxwell Smith welcomes comments at msmith@mndaily.com.

When classes and exams take priority over athletics, we all lose.

s I write this, I’m piloting my Gulfstream G550 (her name is Starla) over the Caribbean Sea to my new island, which I named “Awesome Island.” For those of you who don’t know, the G550 is a private jet that burns jet fuel. Starla’s big, sexy Rolls-Royce engines may contribute to climate change. You know, that thing 97 percent of scientists agree is caused by humans?

Sorr y, I just about tipped Starla over because I was laughing so hard. You see, that “scientific consensus” thing is a bunch of ver y expensive, Italian bologna. Me and some buddies made the whole thing up one night while we were getting high in my mom’s basement back in ’95.

I was a high school dropout working at a gas station, and my soon-to-be colleagues Brad Numbers and Chase N. Bills were working as waiters at a bad Chinese restaurant.

One night, we were all watching the classic film “Water world” when I got the idea to send a fake scientific paper to an academic magazine claiming that the Kevin Costnocalypse was coming because of carbon dioxide. Wouldn’t you know it, they published our article, and all of the other climate scientists star ted agreeing with us!

Three weeks later, Jenny McCarthy was on board. We were set.

There were a few setbacks after we had copyrighted ever y single piece of green technology in the market.

Famed, possibly human-mollusk hybrid Ben Stein nar rated a documentar y about scientists who challenged our findings. But Al Gore’s documentar y suppor ted our findings, which ironically caused more people to doubt them than the first movie.

The closest call came when Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann proved on the floor of the House of Representatives that carbon dioxide was harmless.

But we sur vived the onslaught of reason, and in the ensuing years, we have all become fat cats.

I know, I know, you’re all dying to know how we three lowly plebes fooled nearly all of the people who have devoted their lives and careers to understanding our planet and its climate. Two words: free pizza.

Peace out, suckers!

Dr. Bill Oney

Implementing dogsled routes instead of bus lines and light rails will benefit students.

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ell, folks, looks like we’ve got another frozen tundra on our frostbitten hands.

The Minnesota Daily Editorial Board was wondering when the proverbial frozen shit was going to hit the fan, and it indeed looks like it’s blizzard weather once again in Minnesnowta, just in time for finals.

Also coming just in time for finals is a highly logical and convenient new — although technically old — Campus Connector route that does away with all those extra, unwanted stops and instead helps students get more exercise and grow accustomed to hypothermic body temperatures. Many students are also getting a good stretch as they walk to class, some choosing to do the splits as they slide around on the sheets of ice covering the sidewalks, while others test the quality of snow-ice mixtures with their faces. The results are promising; volunteer snow face-testers have reported that they ingest only about 4 percent pure dog urination on average each time they eat it in a snow bank.

The Editorial Board would like to suggest the University stop babying students with useless futuristic modes of transportation; buses and light rails are privileged, new-fangled technology that won’t last in the post-apocalyptic icescape that is the University of Minnesota campus. The University must be held accountable for instilling real-world skills to its graduates, and it is for this reason that we ask University President Eric Kaler to consider personally destroying the section of light rail that runs through campus, eliminating all bus routes, and instead installing several dogsled routes.

Dogsledding will help reduce carbon emissions and promote exercise on campus. Also, at this point, they’d just be way more effective than any other form of transportation (teleportation excluded). If we’re going to freeze, we might as well do it in style. So Kaler, please, please let the dogs out.

LETTERS AND GUEST COLUMNS

The Minnesota Daily welcomes letters and guest columns from readers. All letters must include the writer’s name, address and phone number for verification. The Daily reserves the right to edit all letters for style, space, libel and grammar. Letters to the editor should be no more than 600 words in length. Readers may also submit guest columns.

Guest columns should be approximately 350 words. The Daily reserves the right to print any submission as a letter or guest column. Submission does not guarantee publication. letters@mndaily.com Look for online exclusive columns at Fax: (612) 435-5865 Phone: (612) 435-1578 www.mndaily.com/ opinion.

Letters and columns to the editor 2221 University Ave. SE Suite 450 @mndailyopinions Minneapolis, MN 55414

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF TONY WAGNER = EDITORIALS & OPINIONS EDITOR ERIC BEST = SENIOR EDITORIAL BOARD MEMBER WILLIAM BORNHOFT = BOARD MEMBER CASSANDRA SUNDARAM

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Thursday, December 12, 2013

SPORTS University buys out entire nonconference schedule athletics

The University of Minnesota’s football team has again decided to pay to opt out of some nonconference games, athletics director Nor wood Teague announced Wednesday.

The Gophers have decided to cancel ever y nonconference game on next season’s current schedule and instead play various youth football teams.

It’s not clear how much the buyout will cost, but Teague implied it wouldn’t be cheap.

“It gives us the best dar n oppor tunity to get our kids to a bowl game again next season,” head coach Jer r y Kill said.

“That’s what it’s all about.

We’re rebuildin’, and we want to make it to bowl games. These tougher games before the Big Ten make it real, real hard to do that.”

Instead of Easter n Illinois, Minnesota will now play Mor ton’s Lumber Supply to open its 2014 season on Aug. 28, 2014.

Two weeks later, the team will travel to Allentown, Pa., to take on Eric’s Delicatessen.

This is the latest in a series of scrutinized moves the University athletics department has made as of late. In October 2012, the Gophers withdrew from their two-game series with the University of Nor th Carolina after Kill lobbied for the cancellation.

“It’s a pretty big price to pay to opt out of all these games year after year, but what Jerr y Kill wants, Jerr y Kill gets,” Teague said.

“We’ve already won eight games this season. That man knows what he’s doing, and there is no doubt about that.”

Kill said in a pr ess conference Thursday the move gives his team the opportunity to go 4-0 again in the nonconference schedule, so it only needs two Big Ten wins to make another bowl game. “ We l o v e t h e Te x a s Bowl down there in Hous-

gophers football 2014 schedule DATE

time

Opponent

Location

Aug. 21

Noon

Morton’s Lumber Supply

TCF Bank Stadium

Sept. 6

2 p.m.

Cedar Valley Paper Products

TCF Bank Stadium

Sept. 13

3:30 p.m.

Eric’s Delicatessen

TCF Bank Stadium

Sept. 20

10 a.m.

Lakeville Plumbing and Heating

TCF Bank Stadium

SOurce: gophersports.com

ton,” Kill said, “This move’ll make sure we’re back down ther e for a third year.”

Many Gophers players have also defended the move.

“We’re relieved, to be honest,” sophomore quarterback Philip Nelson said.

“I love my team, but some of those wins this year were pretty fluky. This takes a lot of pressure of f of us.”

Kill said though the move of fers his team a chance to play against lesser talent, his team can’t overlook the youth football teams.

Lakeville Plumbing and Heating running back Chauncey Banks r ushed for 6,000 yar ds and 60 touchdowns at the youth level last year. He said he is excited for the chance to play against actual competition.

“Get David Cobb down to Ritter Farm park, and we’ll see how big he is,” Banks said.

Kill said he wasn’t sure if the Gophers’ 2015 schedule would change but said he wouldn’t rule it out.

“It’s all ’bout gettin’ better for our kids,” he said.

“We’re looking for ward to meeting Cedar Valley Paper Products on the field this September.”

Minnesota athletics director Norwood Teague announced Wednesday that the Gophers will buy out next season’s entire nonconference schedule.

men’s basketball

Jones decommits from Duke, tells haters YOLO Last month, Tyus Jones disappointed Gophers fans when he announced he was going to play his college basketball career at Duke University and not the University of Minnesota.

But Jones, arguably the best recruit to ever come out of Minnesota, has already changed his mind.

“I’m taking my talents to Dinkytown,” Jones said, imitating his favorite player LeBron James.

James has been incessantly scr utinized for his summer 2010 decision to join the Miami Heat.

It was an unpopular choice, as he opted for better teammates and a warmer climate while leaving the economy of his hometown Cleveland to waste away without him.

Jones has decided to follow in his idol’s footsteps, inciting controversy by choosing to stay home after saying he was going elsewhere.

“When I chose Duke, I did it because it was an easy decision with a storied program,” Jones said, “but LeBron has shown me that good things can come from making unpopular decisions.”

But Jones’ decision doesn’t seem to simply be influenced by James and the desire to make an unpopular choice.

It comes down to his relationships with coaches and ever ything they can provide top athletes. For Minnesota’s Richard Pitino, that can be more than basketball.

“The dude’s got mad connections,” Jones said.

“He gave me an Xbox One months before it hit stores.”

Jones said that Duke’s head coach, Mike Krzyzewksi, was too traditional for his liking. The fourtime champion didn’t offer

Apple Valley High School guard Tyus Jones recently announced he will decommit from Duke in favor of the Gophers.

Jones any gifts — just the opportunity to play basketball at Duke.

“That should be a gift in and of itself,” Krzyzewski said. “These kids have no respect.”

Pitino, embraced for being young and progressive, said giving athletes improper benefits is all par t of the recruiting process.

“How else do we expect

kids to choose Minnesota over top programs?” Pitino said. “It’s been like 2 degrees for weeks. I lived in Miami last year. Still, I think the sky’s the limit for this place.”

women’s hockey

Gophers feeling the pressure of six-game winning streak The Gophers know it exists. They admittedly think about it every day. And now, their celebrated six-game winning streak will perch itself on each and every player’s shoulders for the next month.

Minnesota’s sweep of Ohio State last weekend means the Gophers will carry their streak into winter break. They don’t play again until Jan. 10.

Players said the streak will be on their minds throughout the break.

“I’m going to eat, sleep and breathe streak for the next month,” senior forward Sarah Davis said. “The pressure of a six-game winning streak is immense.”

The Gophers are no strangers to long winning streaks. Nor th Dakota snapped their record-breaking 62-game winning streak in mid-November.

Minnesota head coach Brad Frost said that streak doesn’t relate to this one.

“That was chump change,” he said. “I’ve always said 62 games was nothing.

We really think this time around, we have the talent to reach triple digits. And anything less than 100 straight wins would certainly be a disappointment.”

Sophomore goaltender Amanda Leveille said there was no real disappointment when the 62-game streak was snapped.

“That streak never had triple-digit potential,” she said.

“This one does, clearly. This one is going places. This sixgame streak actually means something.”

Frost said he wants his players zeroed in on the new goal. How the team gets each win is irrelevant, he said, as long as it gets them.

“This program is about

winning games — as many in a row as possible,” he said.

And if the Gophers win a few more national championships on the way to 100?

“That was chump change. I’ve always said 62 games was nothing. We really think this time around, we have the talent to reach triple digits. And anything less than 100 straight wins would certainly be a disappointment.”

Brad Frost head coach

“ T h a t ’ s j u s t g r a v y, ” junior defender Rachel Ramsey said. “We only like hoisting the NCAA trophy because that’s the signal that we don’t play again for a while. It means we can breathe because our streak is safe.”

Frost said 100 isn’t even the ultimate goal.

“It’s more like a stepping stone,” he said. “I think 1,000 is within reach. And with the way we’ve played the last six games, there’s no reason we can’t get there.”

That would equate to roughly 25 undefeated seasons — and 25 more national championships.

Frost said he has the date for the potential 1,000th win circled on his 2038 calendar.

He already has a band reserved for the postgame ceremony — One Direction.

“Those boys can sing,” he said.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

football

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Hageman turns to kitties

To alleviate his anxiety over finals and the upcoming Texas Bowl, stud senior defensive tackle Ra’Shede Hageman brought a litter of kittens to his post-bowl selection press conference.

Hageman was distracted for the entirety of the media session. “I’m going to name this one Mittens,” Hageman said. “I’ll name this one Buttercup, this one Snowflake, and I’ll name this one Ra’Shede.”

campus

athletics

U athletes’ Years later, studentmoped mixup athletes wonder creates chaos University of Minnesota police responded to a call Wednesday afternoon at Bierman Field Athletic Building, where dozens of Gophers athletes were near-riotous following a moped mix-up in the parking lot.

When police ar rived, they found football senior Ra’Shede Hageman with basketball junior Andre Hollins in a headlock.

“I eat twigs like you for breakfast,” Hageman scr eamed into Hollins’ ear.

Hollins’ girlfriend, women’s basketball junior Rachel Banham, subsequently jumped on Hageman’s back and began pummeling him with her fists.

In the meantime, women’s hockey senior Bethany Brausen grabbed volleyball senior Tori Dixon by her hair.

“You treat a back-toback national champion with some respect,” Brausen shrieked.

University police said it took an hour to sor t out the various scuf fles and uncover the root of the problem.

“We found that apparently the athletes couldn’t figure out whose moped was whose,” University po-

lice Chief Greg Hestness said.

Hestness said the incident began at about 1 p.m., when Hageman and Hollins left the athletics complex at the same time and approached the same moped — both claiming it was their own.

“I know it’s mine because it has a dent near the front tire from when I ran into [wrestling senior] Tony Nelson and his shin cr ushed it like the freaking Hulk,” Hollins said.

Hageman said he remembered parking in the stall closest to the door.

That confusion over the one moped led to a melee involving all the identical mopeds parked in the lot.

It was the biggest incident in University athletics since 2011, when several dozen athletes got their Beats by Dre headphones tangled up in a single, giant knot.

University athletics director Nor wood Teague said the student-athletes’ behavior was unacceptable.

“The fact that all of our student-athletes happened to independently purchase the same moped is no excuse,” he said.

“Gophers don’t fight other Gophers.”

why their pictures are hanging up in McDonald’s

Lar r y Largren was a 22-year-old small for ward driving through the lane against Michigan State when the moment came that defined his legacy.

A flashbulb burst, a photo was taken, and months later, a greasy-fingered manager decided to use the photo of Largren — in a pose described by some as “snooty John Kerr y” — as a prominent decoration at the Dinkytown McDonald’s.

“It’s kind of [expletive] to think that people are eating Big Macs and starting at a photo of me,” Largren, now a Wayzatabased systems analyst, said. “The first time I saw it, I was just getting a McFlurr y and fries with my son. Some homeless dude had just [expletive] himself in the table next to it. … I mean, I guess it’s an honor, but I wish they

would have asked me first.”

The double-decker McDonald’s in the hear t of the University of Minnesota neighborhood has posted photos of students since the 1980s in an attempt to curry favor with the University community.

The playful “Minnesota M”-shaped McDonald’s logos on booths and the stuf fed gophers sitting in fish tanks in the dining room are also par t of the campaign, manager Wendy Waingaard said.

“You’re students! We at McDonald’s get it!” she said. “Our dining experience is carefully crafted to give you that collegiate feel in a fun and delicious environment. Ski-U-Mah, rah rah rah!”

Nobody really knows who the athletes are or why they’re important, but Waingaard said that’s be-

side the point.

“I think our for mer manager, John, selected the photos fr om some book or something that the University sent us. …

They’re meant to represent just athletics in general, you know? Just ... that athletic spirit.”

Waingaard couldn’t estimate how many athletes eat at McDonald’s each day, but she assumes it’s a lot, citing her company’s sponsorship of the Olympics.

A University athletics spokesperson denied having ever seen the photos, though he said students who don’t go to the Texas Bowl on Dec. 27 are “goddamn idiots who make the players feel bad.”

The swimmer in the middle of a breaststroke and the tennis player grimacing as she hits the ball, both of whose photos hang above the ketchup station,

could not be reached for comment.

Largren said his time on the Gophers basketball team didn’t really mean that much to him.

“I was a bad player — I got totally stuf fed on that drive,” he said. “It’s not even a good photo.”

The quiet, genteel upstairs dining area at McDonald’s also featur es photos of the University’s academic achievers.

Photos include images of an instructor pointing to something on a CR T computer monitor and of Josiah Williams, now a pediatrician, posing in a white lab coat next to a one-eyed skeleton.

Williams said he’s not so sure about being included in the collection.

“Why’d they have to choose the skeleton with one eye?” he said. “That’s just stupid.”

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Thursday, December 12, 2013

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC

CARTOONS

Basementcore hypnotists Developing Nations to play set at Don’s house

Growing disdain for academia, life on display in professor’s door comics

A&E heads over to a Developing Nations show to get the scoop on the lowdown.

I

f you’re from Minneapolis, chances are you know about the rise of basementcore.

Defined by its dedication to juxtaposing the acoustics of dry walling with cerebral, literar y stor ytelling, basementcore refuses to adhere to convention.

Developing Nations are the pioneers of this movement. Known for their groundbreaking 2010 concept record, “Tawny Autumn Tollbooth EP,” this six-piece employs hypnosis and other psychological tricks to create their aesthetic.

As the new year approaches, Developing Nations are finishing up work on their newest album, “Neverfish.”

The record has met some controversy amid rumors of songs with verse-chorus structures and 4/4 time.

The band hasn’t released any singles from “Neverfish” but played a couple of tracks at their Dec. 7 show at Don’s house.

“It was pretty [expletive],” lead vocalist and flautist Paul Durst said. “I never know what to do when ‘Suck-EmUp’ is tweaked out like that.”

Magnus “Suck-Em-Up” Noonan, the band’s percussionist, played exclusively on timpani for the performance.

Durst and the rest of the outfit didn’t plan on this.

“What is this?” spectator Ashlee asked. “Are those trash cans? I wonder if Tim’s ride is here.”

Ashlee later confirmed that while Tim had already left the party, she was able to get a ride back with her friend Jen. Noonan couldn’t believe how many people left the set during his extended solo.

According to Durst, basementcore is just about to explode. “Tawny” is slowly approaching 500 plays on their Bandcamp site.

“People laugh at me because Fred Durst is my [expletive] cousin. [Expletive] Limp Bizkit, I mean, I love him, but [expletive] Limp Bizkit,” he said.

Thereminist Orson Poach is the mind behind the band’s trance influences. For him, hypnotizing a crowd is fairly simple.

“It’s all lips,” he said.

“Basically, I just move my mouth around the microphone, and I tap my finger near my theremin, and it’s Gucci.”

He’s referring to his trademark “pucker-sunch” method. Poach uses his tongue, teeth and lips to create repetitive beats that force listeners to question whether they’re listening to music.

“I just feel really nauseous right now,” Ashlee said.

Noonan said the band’s direction is unclear at this point,

U

Basementcore band Developing Nations, pictured with manager Don Nelson (far left), are set to blow up.

but he’s excited to figure out where they’ll be next year.

“We’re gonna be the Sugar Ray of basementcore,” he said with a laugh. “Who the hell knows?”

At the end of the day, Durst wants to express himself through underground str uctures. Whether it’s technically a basement doesn’t matter — Developing Nations wants to play shows. Durst will take all of the proceeds from their show on the 13th and put it toward paying rent for the next month.

“Gotta pay the bills some-

WHAT DEVELOPING NATIONS WITH CURDLE WHEN 11 P.M. OR WHATEVER, DEC. 13 WHERE DON’S HOUSE: PAUL WILL EMAIL YOU THE ADDRESS ONCE YOU RSVP TO THE FACEBOOK EVENT COST $5 FOR A CUP

how. It’s the only thing I need to have going right now,” he said. “[Expletive].”

FOOD

College Kitchen: Sunglasses go on the back of the head Guy Fieri here with all of your date-night needs.

W

e’ve all been there: You’re lookin’ to take your favorite dude/dudette on a wild ride to your local Hard Rock Cafe. But when you go to pick ’em up, you find your conver tible broke ’cause you left the top down in winter.

You know what I always say: A car with a top is worth less than a hot dog without the slop. But that’s an article for next week.

Don’t fear. I’m a master of all things rock ‘n’ roll about cooking.

So buckle up, ’cause these recipes pack enough punch to blow your date’s sunglasses to the backside of their head — where they belong. Just set your home

jukebox to “greasy diner hits” and let your date know you’re cruisin’ on the express highway to Flavortown.

Double fried baked potato blasters Set the tone of the night early. Load up your date’s gullet with these flavor grenades.

Let them know you really care.

3 potatoes 2 hunks butter 1 enormous slab bacon 1 fistful cheddar cheese, grated Preheat your oven to 375 degrees.

Cut about eight vertical

A darkening sense of humor has colleagues and administrators concerned.

slits into each tater, making sure not to slice all the way through. Stuff pads of butter into each of those bad boys.

Wrap bacon around each of those loaded spuds and stick ’em in place with toothpicks.

Brown those suckers on all sides with some more butter. Sprinkle the cheddar on top and shove ’em in the oven for 15 minutes. You can spend that time doin’ a little romancing. Tell your date their eyes remind you of big pools of chili verde.

Deep-fried blazin’ BBQ Buffalo wings Let’s get one thing straight: This recipe will knock you both right out of

your his-and-hers Ed Hardy bowling shirts.

1 tub barbecue sauce 1/2 bucket hot sauce with “flamin’” or “smokin’ ” in the name 1 pile chicken wings Flour Preheat your favorite deep fryer to 375 degrees.

In a sauce pan, combine the barbecue and hot sauces.

Heat thoroughly.

Coat the whole pile of chicken wings in flour. Dump ’em in the deep fryer for 10 to 15 minutes. Coat them in the sauce, and serve while hot.

Now, traditionally, wings as blazin’ as these are served alongside celery sticks. But that’s not the Fieri way.

To really impress your date, ser ve these blazin’ wings with a double serving of blazin’ wings.

Jack Daniels glazed, frosted-tip cupcakes It’s time to end this wild ride on a delicate note. Dessert may not seem like ol’ “Fiery” Fieri’s forte, but rest assured: I’ve got a trick or two up my sleeve.

1 package cake mix 1 barrel Jack Daniels 2 tubs premade frosting 1 package bleach blonde hair dye Follow the directions on the packaged cake mix, using a muffin tin instead of a cake pan.

Mix the Jacky D’s and frosting in a sauce pan over low heat. Let sit until it solidifies.

Try your hardest to gel the frosting into spikes and frost ’em individually with the dye.

My editor’s telling me I gotta make it clear to not eat these completely rockin’ cupcakes. The hair dye, while essential to the recipe, may or may not be toxic — who’s to say, though? This dessert is more for an image kinda deal, and when it comes down to it, isn’t that what all cooking should be about?

Rock on, America.

niversity of Minnesota assistant professor Bob Bobson’s door decorations are drawing the attention of his colleagues, who cite concerns about the mental health of the 58-yearold industrial operations lecturer.

Observers in the College of Food, Agricultural and Natural Resource Sciences’ applied economics department note that while Bobson has never openly expressed his frustrations with the University, the increasingly dark and cryptic cartoons he tapes to his office door paint a picture of deep loathing for his surroundings.

“I remember when his comics were all pretty tame stuff pulled from ‘PhD Comics’ or ‘Doonesbury’ if Bobson was feeling a little political that semester,” said Scott Olson, whose office sits next to Bobson’s in a nondescript West Bank office building.

“Now it’s all this [expletive] about the existential burden of life and Sisyphus’ eternal pain.

“Yesterday, [Bobson] hung up just a plain sheet of paper with a deep black dot in the middle that I think he scribbled in with a ballpoint pen,” Olson said. “I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean.”

According to University policy, professors have free rein over their door decorations. The only guidance is that the comics and pictures they hang “reflect the University’s ‘Driven to Discover’ spirit … and do not take more than two sheets on a University printer to produce.”

Thus far, the actions of Bobson, who uses a personal printer in his office, have not warranted a formal investigation, according to Larry Lin, the department’s vice chair of faculty relations.

“The guy has been teaching introduction to indus-

trial systems and a couple of 3000-level applied microeconomics courses for the past 27 years,” said Lin. “To me, I don’t know what could get much better than that. … I’m sure his door decorations have more to do with personal demons than academic frustration anyway.”

Bobson, who hasn’t published an article in more than three years, has been seen shutting his door more than usual.

A Minnesota Daily review of Bobson’s Rate My Professor scores over the past few years revealed a clear trend in his relations with students: While his “ease” rankings have increased, his “helpfulness” and “clarity” have plummeted dramatically.

Lin said he was not concerned with the turn in Bobson’s behavior.

“To the outsider, I can see where it would seem like a serious situation,” he said. “But this kind of stuff happens all the time when professors are denied tenure.”

FASHION

Award confirms saltstained Uggs are hot

A

fter a yearlong evaluation by independent observers, the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities has been declared the best-dressed campus in the United States.

The University was awarded the prize because of the way students dress to express their personalities. Students look super cool in their matching ensembles, which indicate which social group they belong to — or aspire to belong to.

First, athletes are clearly some of the best-dressed students on campus. You will typically spot them in packs — if there’s only one, you might be unsure how to identify them.

A typical athlete shows off his or her personal style with an assortment of maroon and gold apparel straight from the University Bookstores, usually paired with Nike sneakers and a pair of headphones.

Understandably, they deserve some credit. It must be really hard to put together an outfit in the morning. What if your maroon sweatpants clash with your maroon hoodie?

Sorority girls also have a tremendous influence on campus fashion. They know how to stand out in oversized sweatshirts with Greek letters (the coolest girls wear fraternity letters), Lilly Pulitzer accessories, leggings and boots.

Some of the truly stylish girls know that Ugg boots are obviously a better option than standard riding boots. Minnesota winters are cruel, and giant boot slippers are definitely the way to go.

It’s safe to say that Carlson School of Management stu-

dents are some of the classiest dressers on campus. They also seem to be the most talented — their typically corporate apparel seems to suggest they have job interviews or board meetings every day.

Regardless, it’s a suave look that ladies love. Because what girl wouldn’t want to date someone who puts more effort into his career than his girlfriend?

While you’re on West Bank, you will notice another group of well-dressed students. These non-conformists are definitely the most cultured on campus, which is why their uniform consists of flannel, rolled-up jeans, ironic hair colors and general distaste for anything “mainstream.” They can’t dress like everyone else — that’s not the way to stand out!

The most overlooked — yet best-dressed — group of students are bros and wannabe bros. They are easy to find: Just go to the rec center and look for the dudes wearing shirts without sleeves.

If you’re not near the gym, you’ll be able to sense their stylish presence by looking for ill-fitting jeans, sneakers (or Sperry’s for the truly fashionable) and an assortment of T-shirts that look like they were a gift from Mom or a prize for winning one of many intramural championships. If you aren’t wearing the same stuf f you wore in eighth grade, you’re doing it wrong.

For the rest of you who don’t dress like the others, well, you just kind of suck.

Don’t worry; your peers with real style will keep the bestdressed awards coming.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

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Thursday, December 12, 2013

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EMPLOYMENT

EMPLOYMENT

$13/hr Full time/part time RECEPTIONISTS for office bldg DT Mpls next to the Metrodome.

Greet visitors, handle in-coming calls, must have good customer service, and have excellent fluent English speaking skills. between 7:30am-5:30pm M-F. Call Veena 612-321-0000

Patients needed for University of Minnesota dental students boards.

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HOUSING

HOUSING

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*It’s Time To Rock and Roll and Get This Show On The Road* Dinkytown Rentals Showcase of Homes, New Lodges, Houses, Duplexes available for 2014 Whatever you’re looking for, big or small, we should have it here. 2014 should be quite a year!

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UPCOMING EVENTS What: I AM MPLS! Who: Sarah Edwards When: 6–11 p.m., Thursday; show starts at 7 p.m.

Where: Aria, 105 N. First St., Minneapolis Price: $15 I AM MPLS!, the acclaimed fashion/variety show celebrating the talented and creative people of the city, returns Thursday. The multifacted event integrates comedy, music, fashion and art to form an entertaining evening based on locally grown creative pride. Conceived by Twin Cities-based stylist and event producer Sarah Edwards, I AM MPLS! is an eclectically vibrant celebration of who we are, what we do and the common bond that ties us to our fair city.

What: Blackfish documentary showing Who: Marine Biology Club When: 6:30 p.m., Thursday Where: Coffman Theater, Coffman Union Price: Free — suggested donation of $2 Blackfish is a new documentary profiling the abuses toward marine animals, particularly orcas, in captivity at SeaWorld. It focuses on Tilikum, a captive male orca who has killed three people since being taken captive.

This event by the Marine Biology Club hopes to promote awareness about this issue and to educate many people who are not aware of how harmful captivity is to large marine animals such as whales and dolphins.

What: California Dreamin’ Open Studio Event in the Northeast Minneapolis Arts District Who: The artists of the California Building When: 5–9 p.m., Friday; Noon–6 p.m., Saturday Where: California Building, 2205 California St. NE, Minneapolis Price: Free Meet artists in their studios, see fresh work, engage in lively conversation, enjoy refreshments and perhaps add to your art collection.

Visit www.californiabuilding.com for more information.

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Thursday, December 12, 2013

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Thursday, December 12, 2013

BACKTALK sudoku

horoscopes

Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9.

For strategies on how to solve sudoku, visit sudoku.org.uk.

12/12/2013

Yesterday’s solution © 2013 Michael Mepham. Distributed by Tribune Media Services.

All rights reserved.

Today’s Birthday (12/11): Today is a 2 on a scale from 1 to 2 — A perfect combination of static electricity and swagger makes makes for your best-ever hair day. But beware — your newfound flow is not a toy. Flirt wisely.

To get the advantage, check the day’s rating: 10 is the easiest day, 1 the most challenging.

Written By Emily Kreiter

Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Today is an 11 — A juicy piece of fruit will come your way.

Libra (9/23 - 10/22): Today is an 8 — A bizarre chance encounter with either Harry Styles or Harry Potter will change the course of your life. Draw inspiration from these angels.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): Today is a 5 — When a mysterious odor wafts out of your basement, get excited; it will signal the start of something beautiful. I guess.

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21): Today is a 9 — Tread carefully around those with cuffed jeans; they can’t be trusted because Mercury is in retrograde or something. Also, dream big.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): Today is a 4 — Start saving for retirement. No gambling or shopping. Financial planning will ensure a prosperous future for your family.

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Today is a 7 — Don’t get excited about the arrival of a basket of breadsticks at your front door — IT’S A TRAP. You can, however, accept the baked beans.

Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Today is a 7 — You’ll soon be spotted with a tall, handsome stranger — but be careful, their barnacle toenails will get in the way of something real. XOXO Gossip Girl

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Today is a 6ish — You probably shouldn’t strain your mental capacities too much today. Treat every day like it’s treat yo’self Tuesday.

Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Today is a 6 — Careful you don’t slip on the ice; today it will likely result in more than just embarrassment. Also, today you will realize your dream of unlimited cheese.

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Today is a 10 — You can’t be brought down because swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and refracted the light from Venus.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Today is a 9 — You will get beer for a second day in a row. But it’s not a big deal because you have to pay for it. But it’s still cool because you got beer, ya know?

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Today is a 1 — You should not have left the house today. Text your fellow Pisces and warn them. Seriously, sprint home now, you poor, poor Pisces.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

crossword

overheard Son: “It’s sooo cold outside. I’m freezing.”

Dad: “Hi, freezing! I’m Dad.”

—Minnesota

Dad: “Do you have any relaxed-fit chinos?”

—Men’s Wearhouse

—PAWS in Coffman

Dad: “You wanna know what I don’t understand?”

Son: “What?”

Dad: “Spanish.”

—Qdoba Mexican Grill

“What’s this music for? Are we at the disco or what?”

Dad: “Is this where they make all the cookies?!”

Dad: “I haven’t gotten any since your mother left.”

Dad: “Lot of cute girls here, huh, son?”

Son: [Silent]

(Dad looks at SmartCar) Dad: “More like a DumbCar, eh, son?”

—Pillsbury Hall

—East Bank

Dad: “Who is this Ciley Myrus?”

Daughter: “Shut up, dad.”

Dad: “Is that the one who crashed her car?”

—Unknown

Dad: “Is that girl wearing any pants?

Cover up!”

—Cold night on University Avenue Dad: “How ’bout them Gophers?”

Son: “Yep.” Dad: “How ’bout those Twins?”

Son: “Yeah.”

—Home for Thanksgiving

Dad: “Is THAT your girlfriend?”

—Noodles & Company

Los Angeles Times Daily Crossword Puzzle Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Lewis

Dad: “Who let the dogs out?!”

Mom: “I’m gonna hop in the shower quick.”

Dad: “Be careful.”

—The bathroom

FOR RELEASE DECEMBER 12, 2013

—Outside FloCo Fusion apartments

—Sporty’s Pub and Grill

—Marcy-Holmes

(Dad picks up a state quarter) Dad: “Here, son, you don’t have Washington yet, right?”

—The sidewalk

What did you overhear?

4Post submissions on the “Overheard at U of M” Facebook group.

4Visit mndaily.com and look for the “Connect with the Daily” box on the homepage.

4Email submissions to overheards@mndaily.com.

ACROSS 1 Keyless 7 Top 13 Crude dudes 15 Some woodwind players 16 How to start working on a 35Across 18 Missile spot 19 Socially awkward type 20 Fish-eating eagle 21 Talking Trans Am of classic TV 22 Speak incessantly about 24 Spenser’s “The __ Queene” 28 Some elimination rounds 30 Quite a lot 31 Kirsten of “Melancholia” 32 Otologist’s concern 35 Pastime that will celebrate its 100th anniversary on 12/21/2013 38 Saturn model until 2007 39 Pet sounds 40 Nostrils 41 Name of eight English kings 42 Lunch, say 43 It may be used after a break 46 Requisite 48 Quite a while 49 Not even semipro?

50 Vocalist James 54 How to finish working on a 35Across 58 Corrida figures 59 Gets in order 60 Tense 61 Satisfies the munchies DOWN 1 Nails, as a test 2 Doorman’s cry 3 Roundish 4 Literary sea captain

12/12/13

By Robert W. Harris

5 Porthos, to Aramis 6 Gentle giant in “Of Mice and Men” 7 Crude meas.

8 __ cit.

9 Crude fleet 10 Seize 11 Pool worker 12 Chief Ruhr River valley city 14 Discontinued depilatory 15 Long-established 17 Inventor of the 35-Across 21 Branches on some trees 22 Metal fastener 23 Adjusted (to) 24 Central points 25 High style 26 Avenger John Steed’s alma mater 27 Thing in court?

29 Limits 31 __ prize 32 Biblical reformer 33 Brown or golden drinks 34 Take ten 36 Made an exit

Wednesday’s Puzzle Solved

(c)2013 Tribune Content Agency, LLC

37 Microwave 41 Was indirect 42 Keep from getting out of control 43 Took care of 44 Former Argentine ruler 45 Longest river in France 47 Catchall abbr.

49 Sounds of contentment

12/12/13

50 Woolly females 51 Composer who was a CBS reporter 52 Veracious 53 Threatening slitherers 55 Centimeter-gramsecond unit 56 Shoe part 57 __ Balls: Hostess snack food

dr. dad Hey there,

Looks like your normal doctor is out today. Instead, it’s your dad here to tell all his Gopher kids about the birds, the bees and all that good stuff.

Dr. Dad,

I feel like all the girls I meet think I’m a big goof and I just become their gay best friend (I’m straight). I want them to see me in a different way. How can I make myself more attractive to women?

—Not Just A Goof

Ya Goofball,

Shazam. You’re more attractive to women.

—Dad

Dr. Dad,

My girlfriend and I have become very serious lately. She’s essentially moved in with me, and I think she could be the one. How do I know when to pop the question?

—Anonymous

Confused,

Just before me and Lori got hitched, Norm and I went up to Lake of the Woods for a weekend fishin’ trip. At first, nothin’ was bitin’. We were out on the water for 12-hour days, I’ll bet.

But on the last day, we was trollin’ for walleyes — it was a Sunday if I remember right — and they just started bitin’.

Me and Norm wrestled for damn near two hours and, whaddya know, we pulled up the biggest fish I ever seen.

He was past our limit, though, so I threw ’em back.

About six months later, your ma’ and me were married over at the VFW.

—Pops

Dr. Dad,

I’m a “good girl.” I get A’s in my classes, and I never, ever, absolutely never let any boys go below the waist.

I’ve had only one real boyfriend, and we spent most of our time together holding hands and thinking about puppies. Recently, though, I’ve been talking to this “bad boy” at Espresso Royale. He’s got tattoos and piercings that are seriously hot. Would it be a good idea for me to date him?

—Pondering The Dark Side

Oh, Sweetie,

No. No. End of story.

—Daddy-o Dr. Dad,

I’ve been using oral birth control since I became sexually active at 15. But recently, I’ve been forgetting to take the pill, so I want to try a more permanent option. I was thinking of getting an IUD or maybe using the NuvaRing. What do you think?

—Forgetful Female

Uuuuh,

Hmm. Oofta. You’re gonna hafta — uhh. You’re gonna hafta ask your ma ’bout that one, hon’.

—Pa

Need relationship advice? Email Dr. Date at drdate@mndaily.com.

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Thursday, December 12, 2013

Capt. Jack Sparrow wins in a recount Mayor u from Page 1

was challenging because he suffers from acute glaucoma in one eye, which he covers with a patch. He also has a peg leg.

Annexing a neighboring city has invigorated major metro areas before and could benefit stakeholders, said Humphrey School of Public Af fairs professor Larr y Jacobs.

“St. Paul is pretty boring anyway,” he said, “so I guess this couldn’t hurt.”

Spar row said his first action after taking St. Paul will be a short tour of other U.S. cities to showcase Minneapolis’ newfound militar y prowess.

Another major facet of his plan is to shift the city’s economy to one based solely on buried treasure.

City Hall will see some additions in the coming months as well.

“Punishments should be harsh and accompanied by rum,” Sparrow said of his plan to install a plank at City Hall.

But University architecture professor Greg Stieglitz said the installation could present some challenges.

Mayor-elect Captain Jack Sparrow.

“Adding a plank to such a building without hurting the historic value is always a risky procedure,” he said.

There will need to be a designated area below the plank, he said, so that pedestrians are not injured by falling people.