HUMOR & SATIRE
Momus, Goddess of the House of Satire, HOROSCOPES Breaker of Chains, Destroyer of Friendships
Page 10
December 5, 2019
Madi Donat
Astral Projector
By Ivanna Guerra (Speaker for the Goddess)
ARIES | March 21 | April 19
Intuition is high! Cut off toxic people without remorse. Be smart about it, though. I see you trying to block Colleen Mallet’s email, but that won’t solve anything. Don’t shoot the messenger.
TAURUS | April 20 | May 20 Not to get too NSFW here, but Mars is in Scorpio, and you need to calm down. You’re the most sensuous sign, but that doesn’t give you permission to act Like That at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday.
GEMINI | May 21 | June 20
CANCER | June 21 | July 22 Everything is a prophecy this week. Take note of every single event. Don’t put your crystal ball by a window, though. It will burn your room down. Physics and stuff.
LEO | July 23 | August 22 Get ready to start manifesting! If you can believe it, you can achieve it! Get those grades up and make that money! And don’t respond to those weird sugar daddy bots on Instagram. It isn’t worth it.
VIRGO | August 23 | September 22 Venus is in Capricorn––time to start repressing your emotions again! Stock up on Uno Reverse cards to use on people who ask how you are. It’ll scare them so much they’ll forget you haven’t answered.
LIBRA | September 23 | October 22
ear Momus, My friends are nice, but they’re actually really lame. How do I have a social life that isn’t awful? Sincerely, Bored but not alone
Dear Bored, I think it is easy to get caught in the Vassar cult-like cliques seeing that practically everyone is in one. The very nature of fellow groups and student organizations creates an environment in which we are only exposed to our preexisting cliques. It may seem like we find friends elsewhere, but I would argue that that is not true. You can always branch out. This may be cliche advice, but you should join a student org or, better yet, make a new org. The key here is to find a cause that people will get behind, like Vassar ghost hunting. Of course, everyone knows that the true paranormal activity on this campus comes from the English major souls which reside within the squirrels. It is getting kinda chilly outside, so it might be a good idea to hold off on bothering them until their hibernation ends next semester! Or if you really want to make a great cult, I think you should form one under my
name. I like the idea of people worshipping me and my humor. I expect a statue of me to be placed in front of the library by the end of next year, so chop-chop. Get on it. Although forging friendships with more entertaining people is a good idea, I don’t think you have to necessarily hang out with your boring friends all the time anyway. In fact, I think you should never be friendly with anyone on this campus again. You can be polite to everyone, but never let anyone in your life. Of course, you’ll eventually have to move to the Old Bookstore in the College Center to avoid extended human interaction. You will adopt the ways of the bats and you will have this urge to interact with society, but only as a masked superhero. I suggest you find yourself a butler to scrounge up some food for you so you don’t have to go to the Deece, either. Then again, you can always spice things up within your existing friend group by starting a huge argument on the order in which you put on your socks and shoes— whether it’s sock, shoe, sock, shoe or sock, sock, shoe, shoe. Best case scenario, you will find that you and your friends share core values and they will feel more comfortable knowing you don’t leave one foot completely bare while the other is completely covered, like a madman. Worst case
scenario, your entire group splits and now everyone is forced to find their own people! I wish you the best of luck. Remember: There is a right answer. Sincerely, Mom
Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
You couldn’t resist a healthy battle of wits at Thanksgiving dinner, could you? How does it feel, huh? Knowing you’ve won once again? Actually, I bet it makes you feel great. Congrats.
D
Momus, the Goddess of Satire. She watches gracefully from the heavens, and only descends to our realm when a poor student requires sarcastic remarks and bad advice.
Vassar Bitch Chronicles Emily Lesorogol ’22
Practice self-care this week! By that I mean see a damn therapist. Take advantage of Metcalf’s location before it moves to the field house forever.
SCORPIO | October 23 | November 21 You were due some rest over the break! Now that you got it, take time to focus on what you really want––like revisiting old obsessions to get some serotonin. Confuse Spotify’s algorithm! SAGITTARIUS
November 22 | December 21 You’re looking for new adventures. Plan a road trip, then ask everyone to drop everything and go with you. They’ll say no, but at least you’ll be validated in your uniqueness.
CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19 Saturn is telling you to reevaluate some important life decisions. How do you feel about your major? Your friends? Your dream job? Yourself? It’s not too late to start over. Move to Siberia!
AQUARIUS
January 20 | February 18
Life is tough, but so are you! Your brain can get you out of any situation, especially now. Remember that the faster you move, the faster you fall into the quicksand. Also, don’t fall into quicksand.
PISCES | February 19 | March 20 Mercury’s out of retrograde; you feel like yourself again! Who are you, you ask? I don’t know! Where’s the list of your personality traits you made so you wouldn’t forget? You lost it again? Yikes!
MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE