Tom and Vicky met in high school and live on a 5th generation family dairy farm near St. Rosa, Minnesota.
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TEACHING CHILDREN COMMUNICATION Positive
By Emily Goenner Munson
When my boys were young, it felt like every day I had to manage fights and negative communications. “He’s a potty head!”
“You’re a big baby!” “Stop!” “No!” “Give it back!” Phrases like these, and many more, were daily occurrences. All parents are familiar with the negative communication of children. From the toddler asserting their independence by repeatedly saying “no!” to the preteen who rolls their eyes at whatever you say, it seems like negative communication comes more naturally than positive communication.
Yet studies show that people are more likely to repeat behaviors when they are praised versus when they are scolded or corrected. Parents, managers, and leaders who use positive reinforcement find greater success and buy-in, leading to stronger relationships and better outcomes. If we want our children to thrive, we need to encourage positive communication from an early age.
According to PositivePsychology.com, positive communication is relational communication that aims to increase health, happiness, and respect between people. It’s a skill we can teach our children, setting them up for success in their personal relationships, academic pursuits, and eventually, their professional lives.
Here are four essential strategies to help children develop positive communication skills:
1. Listen
Listening is the foundation for understanding others, yet listening is fundamentally different from hearing. Often, people hear each other but don’t really listen—deep listening involves setting aside assumptions and judgments. To effectively listen, we should model openness, interest, and engagement.
How does this look when dealing with our children? First, we must truly listen to them. Parents often assume they know how their children feel, especially based on a child’s actions or words. But children need opportunities to express themselves fully. When your child is upset, avoid immediate judgment. Let them talk—even rant. Ask questions and be open to holding their emotions, whether positive or negative.
Photos by Sherry Ritter
By teaching our children positive communication from the start, we’re not just helping them develop essential life skills—we’re helping them become part of creating a more understanding, respectful, and collaborative world for everyone.
2. Empathize
When listening, we can display empathy—the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Often, when children experience negative feelings, being empathetic is difficult because, as parents, we want to brush aside uncomfortable emotions. We need to become comfortable sitting with these feelings. When we listen carefully to our children without judgment or expectation, we can truly empathize with them. Maybe we come to understand why one child was yelling at another. In that child’s world and understanding, the yelling makes sense.
Empathy doesn’t mean we accept or approve of a child’s negative communication, but it is essential to moving communication in a positive direction. When a person feels understood through listening and not judged through empathy, they become more open to learning better ways to communicate.
3. Re-Frame
Once a child feels heard and understood, their emotions begin to level off, making it possible to work on reframing their
communication in a positive way. Instead of arguing with my son about whether his brother is truly a “potty head,” after listening and empathizing, I could identify what was really wrong in the interaction. Maybe one boy wouldn’t share or wouldn’t listen to the other’s idea. Maybe someone was hurt, either emotionally or physically. First discovering and then reframing my boys’ emotions was taxing emotional work. It required creative thinking about suggestions for rewording and patience working with the child.
Some examples of reframing feelings are:
“Please don’t do that” instead of “Stop!”
“Can I have a turn?” instead of grabbing
“I’ll play with you later” instead of “Leave me alone!”
“I’m frustrated” instead of “This is stupid!”
“Can you help me?” instead of “I can’t do this!”
Learning to reframe negative communications in positive ways takes time and practice, but, as you continue to reframe for your child, they will start to do it too. With continued practice in reframing negative communications, your child will learn to express themselves more positively.
4. Encourage
Positive communication takes time to teach and consistency to implement. Parents need to actively encourage children to express themselves positively and offer specific praise when they do. We must also examine our own communication patterns, ensuring we model the supportive and loving communication we want to see.
The skills children learn through this process are invaluable for their future. The ability to express needs and feelings calmly and respectfully, without blaming others, shows emotional intelligence and maturity. Listening to others and responding positively helps build successful relationships. This type of communication builds trust, likability, and cooperation— essential qualities for success in all areas of life.
Author Julien Miravel writes on GreaterGood.com: “I believe that if you practice positive communication, it’s going to help you grow as a professional and as a person, create high-quality relationships at work and at home, and lead more effectively. When you take these small actions, you’re beginning a butterfly effect. You’re starting to change the script on your interactions, which affects the relationships that you care about, the groups you work in, and the communities you belong to. And if we do this together, we will co-create a better society for ourselves and our children.”
By teaching our children positive communication from the start, we’re not just helping them develop essential life skills—we’re helping them become part of creating a more understanding, respectful, and collaborative world for everyone.
By Sandi Schwartz
THE SCIENCE OF GIVING AND HOW IT CAN HELP YOUR KIDS
Volunteering provides many social, emotional, and health benefits. When we give back to our community, we can experience a physiological change called a “helper’s high.” This euphoric physical sensation happens when our brain releases endorphins, making us feel elated and excited. As a result, we can experience positive health changes including less stress and anxiety and a boost in mood. Volunteering can also help us stay healthy and live longer. According to Psychology Today, volunteers are happier and healthier than those who do not volunteer.
Want to really make your kids happy? Teach them the importance of giving to others. Contrary to common belief that kids need and want more “stuff” to be happy, science tells us that it is the act of giving to others that actually boosts happiness and can even improve health and other areas of their lives.
CHILDREN WERE BORN TO GIVE
Believe it or not, children enter this world with a natural instinct to be compassionate to others. Scientists at the Max Planck Institute discovered that infants help others even though they are too young to have learned about being kind and polite. The children take action because of their own motivation, and not because they expect a reward.
Actually, humans have evolved over time to be compassionate, and our brains are now wired to respond to those who are suffering. Kindness has become a “survival of the fittest” trait, as Charles Darwin even advised that “communities which included the greatest number of the most sympathetic members would flourish best, and rear the greatest number of offspring.”
In other words, the better we get along and help each other out, the more successful our society will be.
Do children continue to show compassion as they grow? A breakthrough study by psychologists at the University of British Columbia determined that young children are happier to give than to receive. Toddlers who were asked to give away their own treats expressed greater happiness when they shared with others. The researchers interpreted the results of this study to mean that anytime people participate in pro-social behavior, such as volunteering and giving charitable donations, we experience an increase in happiness.
Children have the foundation to be kind, but it’s our job as parents to continue to nurture this part of them as they grow. If we neglect to do so, negative life experiences can unfortunately tear down this beautiful instinct.
HOW GIVING TRANSFORMS OUR KIDS
Numerous studies have uncovered several ways that giving enhances our children’s lives.
BOOSTS HAPPINESS
When we make others happy by giving a gift or our support, we experience a physiological change called a helper’s high. It is a euphoric physical sensation resulting from our brain releasing chemicals called endorphins. According to Psychology Today, the helper’s high is a literal “high,” similar to a drug-induced sensation. It makes us feel good naturally, giving us a rush that leaves us elated and excited. This positive energy is similar to how we feel after exercising.
IMPROVES HEALTH
Research shows that giving leads to better health. In his book Why Good Things Happen to Good People, Stephen Post, a professor of preventative medicine at Stony Brook University, explains that giving to others has been shown to increase health benefits in people with chronic illness. In addition, a 1999 study led by Doug Oman of the University of California, Berkeley suggests that giving may improve physical health because it helps reduce stress. Finally, a 2006 joint study by Johns Hopkins University and the University of Tennessee indicated that people who helped others had lower blood pressure than participants who did not.
PROMOTES SOCIAL CONNECTION
Several studies suggest that when we give, our generosity is ultimately rewarded by others.
These positive actions promote a sense of trust and cooperation that strengthens our relationships. Moreover, we feel a bond towards those who we help. All of this is important because having positive social interactions is central to good mental and physical health.
ENCOURAGES AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
When we give to those in need, we feel a sense of gratitude because it puts things in perspective. Volunteer work is a great opportunity for our children to appreciate what they have and gives them a glimpse of the broader world. Meanwhile, gratitude is another very important ingredient for happiness and good health.
GIVES CHILDREN THE OPPORTUNITY TO INSPIRE OTHERS
Those who are on the receiving end of a good deed typically want to pass along that positive feeling and help others. Researcher James Fowler at the University of California, San Diego found that just one act of kindness can inspire several more acts of kindness by others. In this case, children have the opportunity to be mentor to others, inspiring a chain of kindness and compassion.
BEST WAYS TO TEACH CHILDREN ABOUT GIVING
Teaching our children how to pay it forward is easier than you may think. There are endless opportunities to volunteer as a family and to give our children meaningful experiences that will enhance both their lives and the individuals they help. Here are some tips on how to incorporate giving into your children’s lives.
Discuss how they can help. Find a few minutes during your day to ask your children who they would like to help. Provide some options like babies, animals, people without homes, children who do not have families, students who need books, or the elderly. Talk about the different types of projects you can do to help those in need. For some inspiration, read books about giving and kindness to your children.
Talk about the importance of charitable giving. If you choose to start a monetary collection for charity, consider creating or buying giving boxes for each child. Ask them to set goals about how much they would like to give throughout the year and which organizations they would like to donate to. Check in weekly or monthly throughout the year to see how close they are to reaching their goal.
HELP YOUR CHILDREN DISCOVER THEIR PASSION. OUR PASSION SHOULD DRIVE HOW WE GIVE BECAUSE WHEN WE ARE EXCITED ABOUT A PROJECT, WE CAN PUT ALL OF OUR HEART AND SOUL INTO IT. ALSO, WHEN WE CARE ABOUT WHAT WE ARE WORKING ON, WE WILL GET MORE OUT OF IT AND FEEL HAPPIER. HELP YOUR CHILDREN IDENTIFY THEIR TALENTS, SKILLS, AND INTERESTS THAT THEY CAN PUT TO GOOD USE.
Give as a group. Volunteering during a community service event with others accentuates the happiness boost because you are also building social connections.
Choose projects close to home. Giving to a place locally where you can actually see and experience the results is most effective. Studies have also found that we are happiest when we give to a charity through a friend, relative, or social connection rather than simply making an anonymous donation to a cause half way around the world.
Find ways to volunteer as a family. By volunteering as a family, you make giving a priority and build it into your children’s daily routine. There are so many ways that you can give together, and if you don’t find something out there that you love, create it yourself. You can find volunteer opportunities for your family by checking your local government website; searching for local charities in your area; asking friends and neighbors; or visiting sites like Idealist, VolunteerMatch, and JustServe.
There is certainly no shortage of ways to help others. The next time you feel like your child’s playroom or bedroom closet is going to explode, ask them to fill a bag with items to give to kids who could really use them. By providing our children with opportunities to give, they will be happier and healthier and have the power to pass along that goodness to so many people.
Adventures
IN DECLUTTERING: SPRING CLEANING AS FAMILY FUN
Some people instinctively know that everything has a place and where that place is. Unfortunately, that is not most children. In fact, children generally like to collect items so quickly that their room may end up looking like a storage unit in no time! How can we get and keep control of the room’s cleanliness without weakening our bond with our child? Here are some ways to keep room cleaning from becoming a dreaded chore.
Make it into a Game.
Cleaning is always more fun if it’s a game. As Mary Poppins says, “Well begun is half done!” Of course we can’t all be magic like Mary Poppins but try these games to get the fun started:
Color Game - Pick up all the blue toys, then the red. From favorite color to least, everything will be tidy by the time you’re through.
Scavenger Hunt - Print out some items and look around the room for them, like board game pieces, race cars, or dirty clothing.
Laundry race - give your child a laundry basket and a set time to scramble around the room, tossing out of place objects into the laundry basket. See if they can beat that time to get the objects back in their right places!
Musical Cleanup
There are lots of cleanup songs for the preschool set, but if your child has already outgrown these little ditties, why not let them pick their own song? Your child will then try to pick up as much mess as possible before the end of the song.
By Jill Morgenstern
Sell Unwanted Objects
Sometimes children are more willing to part with toys and other items if they can make their own money to spend. Facebook marketplace offers a great place for this as do other apps such as Next Door.
Help Them Out
Cleaning will always be a more enjoyable experience if mom or dad participate. Remember that breaded necklace she made in first grade? She may not need it anymore but what a wonderful memory to share before giving it the boot.
Map it Out
Draw a map and turn your child’s room into “zones.” You might think of a small reward for each zone that gets cleaned. For example, once the arts and crafts area is clean, maybe it’s time for a break to enjoy that area and draw a picture.
Make Sure the Cleaning Comes Before the Fun Stuff
It’s much easier to enforce, “Yes we can watch TV as soon as your room is clean” than it is to lay down the law after the TV already has their attention. And, “Your friends will feel more comfortable in your room if they don’t have to worry about sitting on your dirty socks” is always a good motivator.
By incorporating some of these elements into the chore of cleaning a child’s room, parents can help children develop positive associations with tidying up. By approaching room cleaning with creativity and enthusiasm, parents can turn a potentially terrible task into an opportunity for positive development, learning, and even some laughter!
As children grow, they can begin to see the value of a personal environment where they can relax and enjoy themselves and enjoy the time they have put into organizing their own space.
G t Fiber?
No matter your nutrition or weight-loss goals for the new year, adding more fiber to your diet promotes overall health and will get you listening to your gut.
By Cherie Gough
Why You Should Resolve to Eat More Fiber
Would you go a day without brushing your teeth? Then, you should not skip a day without incorporating fiber into your diet either. Just like tooth brushing is essential to the health of your mouth, eating enough fiber acts like a toothbrush for the digestive system keeping it healthy.
According to EA Stewart, San Diego Registered Dietitian Nutritionist and owner of Spicy RD Nutrition, “Regardless of what type of diet someone follows, one of the most important habits for long term health is consuming a high fiber diet. The overall health benefits of fiber are far reaching.”
How fiber benefits health
Fiber keeps blood sugar levels steady. Sugars in fiber-rich foods such as beans and whole grains are absorbed slowly, keeping blood glucose levels from spiking. This helps, saving you from the midday munchies, helps maintain a healthy weight and can even stave off diabetes.
Fiber helps you feel full. Eating foods like whole grains rich in insoluble fiber, makes your intestines move faster, signaling your body that you’re full, making you less likely to overeat.
Fiber keeps you regular. According to local registered dietician Abbey
Ricchiuto-Corpuz, the combination of eating soluble and insoluble fiber can act like a toothbrush to keep stool moving through the large intestine to keep it clean. The effect of daily fiber helps you have regular bowel movements, reducing constipation, cleaning out bacteria and other buildup in your intestines, and even reduces the risk for colon cancer.
Fiber protects heart health. “Soluble fiber such as oats, oranges, and beans help reduce bad LDL cholesterol,” according to Stewart.
How much fiber is enough?
For children, a simple way to ensure enough fiber is by eating at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables each day. If you find it helpful to keep track of numbers, add 5 to your child’s age. For example, a 6-year-old would need about 11 grams of fiber each day.
Stewart generally recommends a minimum of 25 grams of fiber per day for adults.
Fiber-rich Foods Kids Love apples avocados
Getting started
Little changes to recipes can really add up when it comes to fiber intake. Start with foods you already love and tolerate well and try to make the best food choices most of the time. Ricchiuto-Corpuz recommends adding beans to salads, soups and stews. She also adds chopped vegetables to any pasta dishes and sauces to boost fiber. Stewart adds, “ My family loves the new chickpea and lentil based pastas.” The best snacks to boost fiber include fresh fruits and vegetables, seeds, nuts and dips like hummus.
Hydrate
Experts agree that to avoid feeling bloated when incorporating more fiber, you should start by making small changes in your diet. They recommend increasing fiber intake by about 5 grams daily to reach an optimum level of 25-30 grams/day and drink plenty of water to help fiber digest properly. It is important to increase fluids to 64 ounces per day.
By
Help Your Kids Develop a Positive Body Image:
What Not To Say Or Do
Now is a great time for parents to think about how they can help their kids feel good about themselves and their bodies. Research shows that nearly two-thirds of kids are self-conscious about some aspect of their physical appearance and that negative body image issues affect even kids as young as 3 years old. There’s a lot of useful information on how to nurture a positive body image, but are there things you should avoid saying or doing? Here’s what the experts suggest:
Don’t tell your kids they need to lose weight
It’s not a good idea to tell your kids they need to lose weight. “When kids are labeled as fat, and when fat equates to bad,” says Dr. Haley Kranstuber Horstman, a well-known professor of family communication, “it sticks with them.” These labels can make kids feel ashamed and even unlovable, Dr. Horstman adds. Encourage your kids to be physically active and eat only what their bodies need. This will help them lose any excess weight naturally and make them feel better about themselves.
Don’t discuss your own need to lose weight
Refrain from discussing your own need to lose weight. “Children learn how they should think and feel about their own bodies from listening to the adults around them,” says Dr. Renee Engeln, a professor of psychology. “If you talk about your huge thighs, your latest weight loss diet or your punishing workouts,” says Dayle Hayes, a registered dietician, “your kids will pick up on these negative messages. They’ll begin to worry about the size of their thighs and think they should be dieting.” Dr. Engeln agrees: “If they hear adults engaging in negative body talk - always focusing on ‘problematic’ body areas - kids get the impression that bodies can never be good enough as they are.” Simply put: “ditch the diet talk,” as Emily Lauren Dick, the author of Body Positive: A Guide To Loving Your Body, puts it. If you feel the need to lose weight, emphasize how important it is for you to stay healthy rather than focusing on weight loss.
Don’t comment on other people’s bodies
You can also inadvertently impact your kids’ body image by making negative comments on other people’s bodies. When kids “hear adults disparage other people’s bodies,” Dr. Engeln says, “they learn to apply the same sort of criticism to themselves when they look in the mirror.” Even positive comments can be detrimental, such as when we say that so-and-so looks so much better now that they’ve lost all that weight. “Instead of commenting on how their current body looks compared to their past body, compliment their hard work, dedicated effort and resiliency,” suggest Drs. Sasha Ulrich and Deidre Paulson, family physician and clinical psychologist, respectively.
Don’t encourage your kids to nibble
Your kids’ body image is also influenced by how you talk about food and eating. Be careful about encouraging your kids to nibble. Dr. Horstman defines a nibbler as “the person at the party who eats one carrot stick, only to be dipped lightly in fat-free dressing, and claims that they’re full – the fullest they’ve ever been, in fact.” This type of “restrictive eating,” as Dr. Horstman refers to it, is problematic because your kids will feel bad about themselves, and they won’t be satisfied and just end up making up for their hunger at the next meal. If your kids are hungry in between meals, offer them a nutritious snack as a good and healthy option.
Don’t pressure your kids to only eat certain foods
You shouldn’t suggest to your kids that they should only eat certain “good” foods and avoid all “bad” foods. “The food you restrict or place rigid limits around,” says Sumner Brooks, a registered dietician, “are very likely to become the most desired foods, and it gives these foods a lot of power as ‘special’ or ‘forbidden.’ The result? Kids may choose to eat more of these foods when you’re not around, hide or sneak them or learn to feel bad about themselves for even wanting them.” More generally, Ms. Sumner says, “precious family time can be overtaken by arguments about a child’s eating, instead of meals being about positive connection and chatting about the day.”
Instead of labeling food as good or bad, let kids “know that certain choices are better for growing, strength, and concentration,” says Diana Chillo-Havercamp, a licensed clinical social worker with expertise in children. Dr. Angela Celia Doyle, a clinical psychologist, agrees. She suggests that parents teach their kids “that all food consists of varying levels of nutrition and calories.”
Tanni Haas, Ph.D.
Make Your Workout Work Harder for You
By Sandra Gordon
Exercise is better for you than ever. The latest physical activity guidelines underscore that regular physical activity helps lower risk of chronic conditions, such as heart disease, high blood pressure, osteoporosis, type 2 diabetes and some cancers, to ultimately help you live healthier, longer. It can also help you concentrate, sleep better and ward off weight gain, depression and dementia, including Alzheimer’s disease.
Quantity counts. Adults should get 150 to 300 minutes each week of moderately-intense aerobic activity, such as brisk walking, and strength training sessions two or more days each week. Studies show, for example, that for every hour of walking you do, your life expectancy may increase by two hours. But just moving more and sitting less is a good first step.
Quality is key too. To get the most out of your workout, avoid these fitness time wasters.
Wrong move: Reading
Watching TV or listening to a high-energy playlist while you’re using cardio equipment can be motivating and help pass the time, but reading on your smartphone while you’re using the treadmill or a stationary bike can work against you. “There’s no way you can exert energy and try to keep your head focused on the content,” says Jaime Brenkus, author of Get Lean in 15. It’s too distracting; same with talking on your phone. To maximize your workout, ditch your device and lose the magazine, Brenkus says.
Wrong move: Talking, not walking
Having the social support of an exercise partner, whether it’s your spouse, a friend or a family member, can make you more accountable, increasing the likelihood you’ll stick to an exercise routine. But having an exercise buddy can backfire if you’re using your exercise time to chat more than anything else. If the buddy routine is backfiring, go it alone and wear earbuds at the gym to show you mean business.
Wrong move: Strength training with improper form
Using bad form when strength training is not only a waste of time, it’s a good way to hurt yourself. “The more reps you cumulatively do with improper form, the more you’re setting yourself up for a potential back injury,” says Brad Schoenfeld, PhD, author of Strong & Sculpted.
One of the most common mistakes: Rounding your back and not tightening your core muscles when lifting. A quick fix? Keep the lower back engaged by maintaining a more erect lifting posture. Proper form can vary slightly, depending on height and weight.
To learn what proper form looks and feels like, Schoenfeld recommends lifting weights while watching high quality strength training videos by the National Strength and Conditioning Association, taking a weight training class or finding a qualified personal trainer.
Wrong move: Winging it with weight equipment
While you’re at it, optimize your exercise time by lifting weights that are heavy enough to overload your muscles. “If you can easily do 20 to 25 reps, the weight it too light,” Brenkus says. You’ll build muscular endurance, but not the strength you’re looking for. You’re on the right track if you can only do 8 to 12 reps, and feel fatigued by the last rep, he says.
Wrong move: Stretching before your workout
“Flexibility training is by far the most overlooked aspect of fitness,” says Jessica Matthews, author of Stretching to Stay Young and senior adviser for health and fitness education for the American Council on Exercise.
After age 30, you typically lose 5 pounds of muscle mass per decade, especially if you don’t regularly strength train at least two times per week. The loss of muscle goes hand in hand with the loss of flexibility. “As muscle fibers recede, collagen can start to encroach to make your muscles, joints, tendons, ligaments, and cartilage stiffer,” Matthews says.
The good news? Stretching can derail the process and help you maintain your range of motion. That way you can continue to reach for things on a high shelf or easily get up out of a chair. When you’re more flexible, your arteries may be, too, and this will help reduce your risk of heart disease. A PLoS ONE study involving 1,150 adults ages 18 to 89 found that those with poor trunk flexibility--demonstrated when they couldn’t reach their toes very far while sitting--had stiffer arteries than those who were more limber.
But don’t stretch before your workout. “It’s a total waste of time and even dangerous,” Brenkus says. “You’re more to pull a muscle.” To warm up cold muscles, do a lesser version of the activity you’ll be doing. If you’re strength training, for example, lift lighter weights at first and do some push-ups. Before aerobic activity, such as running, do a light jog first. To stay limber and reduce muscle soreness, spend five minutes stretching after you’re done exercising.
Wrong move: Trying to spot reduce
Spending time exercising one specific muscle group, such as curling through hundreds of crunches to whittle your middle, is a major time waster. “You can’t spot reduce,” Brenkus says. You can strengthen muscles in specific areas but you can’t target fat burning. To target a trouble spot, such as the back of your arms, pick a staple of strength-training and cardio exercises, get rid of trouble spots, concentrate on burning fat all over by eating less.
Wrong move: Not keeping tabs on calories
Speaking of eating less, one of the best ways to save time at the gym is to avoid overindulging. “On average, it takes an hour and a half on the treadmill to burn off an extra
500 calories per day,” Brenkus says, which is about half the calories in a classic, medium-size hot fudge sundae. Who has that kind of time? Most of us don’t, Brenkus says. He contends that if you consume extra calories, you’re not going to take the extra time to burn them off, and you’ll never see results—your jeans won’t feel any looser—so you’ll get discouraged and give up on exercise. To avoid this downward spiral, eat sensibly and in moderation. “You want to get in 30 minutes or more of physical activity daily,” Brenkus says. “But you don’t want to make it so you have to exercise for two hours.”
Fibbing & Fabrication: Guiding Your Child Toward Honesty
By Jill Morgenstern
My youngest daughter has recently become reliable about brushing her teeth. I can tell, because the sink is now filled with gobs of toothpaste when she claims to have brushed. Before this development, her routine was to pretend to brush her teeth, only for me to find a dry sink and a dry toothbrush. How she went from someone determined to pull one over on her unsuspecting parents to someone who now brushes so enthusiastically that the sink suffers from her efforts was partially a matter of awaiting her maturity. But as parents we want to do more than just wait and hope. There are steps that we can take to drastically reduce lying and guide children towards honesty.
Experts believe that children learn to lie at about age four, but one of my best friends disagrees. “Children are born learning how to lie,” she insists. “They just don’t learn to use it to their advantage until age four.” And it’s true that as a preschool teacher I have heard fantastic yarns spun by those even under the age of four. One little girl convinced me that her father had choked on a plastic straw, requiring hospitalization. Another routinely insisted that her mother was picking her up at noon, even if she was staying at preschool for the afternoon. These children were learning to lie, or as my friend puts it, learning to use their lies to their own advantage. “If I insist that I’m leaving at noon, will that make it true?” wonders the young child. “How exciting would it be if my dad got to ride in an ambulance?” the
other may have thought. Through this type of experimentation children eventually learn the difference between fact and fantasy, lying and telling the truth.
How can we best guide them to telling the truth, particularly to their parents? Here are some suggestions for bringing out the best in our children:
Don’t put them in the position to lie in the first
place.
This is important especially as they get older and a lie would compound or complicate the situation at hand. If you are already fairly certain your child has committed an offending behavior, explain your thinking rather than ask what he or she did. For example, rather than asking, “Did you hit Geoffrey?” you can say something along the lines of, “I heard that you really wanted that toy and Geoffrey is crying. I think you got mad at him and hit him.” Saying, “I see cookie crumbs on the table and it makes me think you took a cookie even though I told you not to” rather than, “Did you take a cookie after I said not to?” will help your child not to be tempted to lie in the first place.
Talk often about the difference between lying and telling a story
Preschool age children in particular don’t always realize the difference between fact and fiction. Point out these differences when reading stories and talk about how it’s okay to make up stories for fun but not okay to try and trick someone on purpose.
Acknowledge the child’s feelings
In the example of the preschooler who tried to convince me that she left at noon, I could say, “You wish your mother came for you at noon, don’t you?” Discussing these types of situations helps them begin to understand that saying something aloud does not make it true, as much as they might wish otherwise.
Model honesty
If your child hears you tell someone “I’m on my way” when you haven’t left the house, he or she is learning that small lies are acceptable. Children will learn from you whether you want them to or not so if you choose to tell these small types of lies in front of them, be aware that they will imitate you. On that note...
Talk about what to do if the truth is unkind
We all have expectations of honesty but if someone asks, “Do you like my dress?” you may not actually want your child answering, “No it’s hideous!” One option is to practice finding one nice thing to say about a situation rather than lie about it. Teach them how you want them to react in such situations by discussing them ahead of time or as they occur. This can be confusing for children so it is helpful to be persistent in pointing out these types of conversations as they occur.
Make it easier to be honest
Of course, if our children are afraid that we will blow up or punish them harshly for their mistakes, they will be more prone to trying to cover their transgressions with lies. The more forgiving we can be, the less they will try and hide from us.
We all want our children to grow up truthful and honest. Following these guidelines will help you and your child navigate the sometimes difficult process of understanding the difference between lying and pretending.
TOM AND VICKY
How did Tom and Vicky meet?
Tom: We met in high school.
Vicky: We started dating when I was a junior and he was a senior.
Tell us about your family.
Vicky: We live on a 5th generation dairy farm near St. Rosa MN. We in many ways are a normal typical family, but in other ways are atypical and much different.
My husband Tom is the solid rock and foundation of our farm. Tom, providing solid leadership and day to day hours of work along with support for our children Collin (17), Elaine (14) and Evelyn (10). We also have some part time hired help.
I work full time off the farm at Stearns Electric Association as the VP of Administration and Finance. This non-profit electric co-op provides electricity to homes, farms and businesses in Central MN – over 29,000 to be exact. I get to work alongside some extremely talented employees who care about our members. It is especially fun when I get to talk with members who remember when electricity was first brought to their farm and hear them explain how it changed their lives. Members always want to hear about our farm and how I balance the farm and a working career.
As for our children, Collin is a non-traditional student doing online school. He has been doing online school for two years and he absolutely loves it. Online school is not for everyone, but for him it works. We have elected to hire someone to come into our home twice a week to be available to Collin to ask questions and confirm and double check that he is learning and comprehending what is needed (I do this too as a parent, but I have another set of eyes watching too.) I’m not sure all students need this, but as parents you know your child and when we decided to go online with him we knew this would be needed because both Tom and I work full time and we did not want to sacrifice other
areas of our lives by him going to online school. Collin does not do any sports through online school by choice – he does not have a competitive bone in his body (nor does his dad). With his online school, Collin does have some live classes each week, so he knows his teacher and his classmates, but also has his independent studies.
Elaine is quiet but always listens and is one heck of a hard worker. She is a 9th grader at Melrose high school and involved in swimming, FFA and softball. She loves one on one time, her horse and country music.
Evelyn is our spit and life of the party child. She is a 5th grader at Melrose Elementary School and loves school and her friends. She is involved in swimming, basketball and softball. She is very competitive, simply loves to be around people and loves country music. Between Evelyn and Elaine they know so many country songs.
Collin, Elaine and Evelyn together have their own small herd of red angus beef animals. They have taken some of their earnings from the farm and invested in red angus. Collin is the watcher of the markets and tends to them. This year, Elaine used her red angus as part of her FFA SAE project.
Funniest kid story?
Tom: Since Evelyn was about 5 years old, she has been daddy’s little girl. Evelyn will tell me, “Dad I’m not going to let you go to the old folk’s home (nursing home), I am going to let you live with me, I will take care of you. Oh, mom can live there too!”
Vicky: As mentioned earlier, Evelyn is our wild child. Evelyn likes to hang out with Collin, so they went fishing at the local peer. When they came back home, Evelyn was all wet (head to toe) and missing a shoe. Evelyn had been so busy talking and telling jokes that she fell in and lost her shoe in the lake. Collin just shook his head and said that he can’t take her anywhere without her causing a ruckus.
Photo by Jenn Kerfeld
Best advice for parents?
Tom: Spend time with your kids and include them in what you do. They learn from you.
What do you hope for your children?
Tom: That they are respectable and good people.
What do you hope for your family?
Tom: That they understand the value of helping those in need with the understanding of no repayment. Also the value of visiting those that are elderly and lonely. A simple conversation can mean so much to these people.
What does your family do for fun?
Tom: We go to the lake, we go out to eat, we enjoy watching our kids in sports, etc.
How do you balance work and personal life?
Tom: I try to get my work done when Vicky is at work and the kids are at school so I can be present when they are around.
Did you always know you wanted to be a dad?
Tom: Yes.
Advice for a new dad?
Tom: Spend time with them – take them to town, be with them, show them how to do things.
Did you always know you wanted to be a mom?
Vicky: I did. We got married in our early 20’s which for today is society is young, but we also were dating since we were in high school.
Best advice you’ve received?
Vicky: My mom’s mother, Helen, was a Wieber from Farming, MN where they dairy farmed for many years until they retired in Richmond. Helen would say that you need to keep life simple and that bigger is not always better.
I think we can all relate to this comment of keeping life simple.
Do you have family traditions?
Tom: I grew up with these traditions - We always had a sit down meal together for all of our meals. Lunch was always at noon and supper was right after school and before bed we had a bowl of ice cream.
Vicky: Christmas, we go to church together, exchange names for gift exchange, have a nice meal together and always take a Christmas card picture. The kids always complain about taking the card picture, but they sure enjoy receiving cards from others in the mail. We also cut our own Christmas Tree.
In recent years we have gone cosmic bowling as a family on New Year’s Eve – we all enjoy this.
At Easter, we go to Church and the Easter bunny hides each kids’ baskets outside near a spot where they have chores. For example, Evelyn loves her cats and feeds them fresh milk each day, so her
basket was by them this last year. Collin mixes feed for the cows and heifers each day so his basket was there and Elaine has a horse so hers was by her horse feed. We also dye eggs.
Best advice for parents?
Vicky: Keep life simple. Friends and family matter.
What do you hope for your children?
Vicky: Live out their passions and keep life simple. Don’t try to keep up with others, do what makes you happy and do that well.
What does your family do for fun?
Vicky: With operating a dairy farm, we stay pretty close to the farm, but we still do get away. I find that we treasure simple times away. Events or outings don’t have to be grand and glorious. For example, we might get evening chores done and run to St. Cloud and go out to eat at Texas Roadhouse or Golden Eagle for pasta night. On Sunday’s we might go snowmobiling or on side by sides as a family – as in the country you can go for miles on gravel roads.
How do you balance work and personal life?
Vicky: Operating a dairy farm, having children, being a mom and having a professional career can be really hard. People say that you need to have work, life balance and I do not believe there is a perfect balance. You simply need to figure out what works for your situation. For us this can change with the seasons at my work or the farm and the age of our children. Whatever your situation is, the biggest thing is making time for each other. With Tom being in the barn when I arrive home from work each evening, it is not uncommon for us to see each other for less than two hours each day during the workweek, so this becomes very important.
Advice for newlyweds?
Vicky: Budget and plan. We see many people think that they need to get all this ‘stuff’ right away. Wait and earn it.
Advice
for a new mom?
Vicky: Know yourself - Ask for help if you get overwhelmed. Talk to others – sometimes just a chat with someone can make all the difference. Keep life simple. Remember that what you see on social media is not always a true reflection of real life and that you don’t have to keep up with ‘what society thinks you should be doing’.
Advice for families?
Vicky: Because both Tom and I have working careers we don’t have much time together so we need to be intentional about this time together. We have to plan for this and make it happen. Don’t just take each other for granted.
Tom: Your children are watching and learning from you. Do things together, if you don’t do things together your children will think that is what families do. When you do things together you can have fun either through work or play.
What are you looking forward to?
Tom: We are very close to a lot of firsts in our family as we send a child off to college and the girls take on additional responsibilities at the farm. This transition time as a parent has mixed emotions but at the end of the day, you know that they are growing and becoming adults that have a passion.
What have you learned from your family?
Vicky: All of our children are so different, but as parents you need to talk with them and they need to know that you are for them. For example, Collin wanted to do online school for several years and we said no. Finally, one day I was riding with Tom in the tractor and I told him that I think we need to listen to Collin and allow him to do online school with set expectations. Since then, we had a totally different child once he was listened to and we understood him.
Favorite family memory?
Tom: I have lots. Each year I take action photos of the kids on the farm. With Vicky at work, she does not get to see the kids working on the farm, so I take action photos of them doing various things on the farm. For example, Collin driving a tractor, Elaine stock chopping and Evelyn helping me change a tire. Then at Christmas Vicky puts them into a Shutterfly book for each of the kids.
Vicky: The lake. A family relative has a cabin on Little Birch Lake and on Sunday’s we try to get out to the lake if possible or even during the week after chores – I grew up on a farm also. Fast forward to today – we still like to go to this cabin on Little Birch Lake on Sunday’s when possible. Tom makes it a priority to work as little as possible on the farm on Sunday’s so we try to relax and have some family time on Sundays.
What are your children interested in these days?
Vicky: Collin – loves to tinker with motors and machinery, anything outdoors, animals, fishing, snowmobiles.
Elaine – wants to go to a large-scale rodeo someday, horse, country music concerts, friends
Evelyn – anything with action, sports, music
Advice for people facing adversity?
Vicky: Ask yourself what can you control and take it one step at a time.
Read the full interview, including how the family connects with the community, about the family farm, and more at: MinnesotaFamilyMagazine.com
DEBORAH KRUMP
Stop in and browse the Friends Bookstore
We have good quality used books and media, plus a variety of vintage and collectible books at bargain prices. You’ll find popular novels, classics, thrillers, history books, cookbooks, children’s books, and more!
Staffed Hours
Monday - Thursday 10 a.m. - 8 p.m. Friday 10 a.m. - 6 p.m. Saturday 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Located right inside the main door of the St. Cloud Public Library. 1300 W. St. Germain St. Cloud, MN 56301
All proceeds support the St. Cloud Public Library and the Great River Regional Library System.
SPRING BREAK
Staycation
Spring Break can be both a blessing and a curse as parents try to make each year more memorable than the next. This pressure to provide a fun filled vacation can be particularly true when both parents are working. While summer break is full of sleepaway camps and day camps, there can be fewer options during Spring Break. But Spring Break does not have to be lavish and over the top to be memorable. By having an inventive staycation in your own home, you don’t have to break the bank to have a great time. Here are some ideas to get you started:
1. Have a Karaoke Night
If you don’t have a karaoke machine, there’s a chance that a friend has one you could borrow. Not only that, but these days there are Karaoke apps you can use on your phone!
2. Build Blanket Forts Galore
Now is the time to get out, maybe not the prettiest pillows, but at least the bulkiest ones. And once the fort is built, activities planned for inside become that much more exciting - board games, reading time, or even a movie night if the screen is small enough or the fort big enough!
3. Create a Mini Indoor Golf Course
What? You have no golf clubs? Even better! Let the children use their imagination to make something they might use. Paper towel rolls could be turned into golf clubs, for example. And who says the golf ball has to be one certain size?
4. Have a DIY Home Spa Day
No need to go bankrupt if you already have nail polish or bath bombs on hand. Plus the Korean masks that are so popular right now can be bought for under $10. No Korean skincare store or Asian store in your area? You can find them on Amazon or even sometimes at Walmart!
5. Make Homemade Ice Cream
If you want to splurge, it can be great fun for kids to see ice cream being made in a real ice cream maker. But if not, they can still have the satisfaction of creating their own sweet treat! Look on YouTube for plenty of instructive videos on how to make single serving ice creams in Ziplock bags!
6. Backyard Camping
If you happen to have a back yard, a strong sense of adventure, and favorable weather, this activity will be sure to make your Spring Break memorable. Use your senses to enjoy the outdoors - look for stars, smell the outdoors, listen for leaves blowing or critters crawling, all while knowing that, if necessary, a warm bed and hot shower can be only moments away.
7. Have a Scavenger Hunt
These can take a little while to set up initially (you provide clues to get from one destination to the next until players finally find a prize at the end) but children love them! Done often enough, children will start doing them for each other and if you’re lucky, they may make one for you!
By Jill Morgenstern
cation
8 FUN & FRUGAL IDEAS
8. Create and Perform a Family Play
Especially if mom and dad are both working, this can give children something to do during the day, culminating in an after-dinner performance that everyone can enjoy. By participating in these activities, or ones you think of on your own, a Spring Break vacation can be just as memorable and meaningful as an extravagant vacation, but without the extravagant cost. The key is to have an open mind and a sense of fun. If both mom and dad are working, it can be challenging to fit in the time for fun activities but as children mature they will take on more and more of the responsibilities for making their Spring Break a time to remember.
Bullying and Mental Health:
Ways to Stand Up to 5Bullying
By Brandy Browne
Let’s examine the impact that bullying has on mental health.
According to the National Bullying Prevention Center:
• One in five students report being a victim of bullying.
• Males are more likely to be victims of physical bullying.
• Females are more likely to report being victims of more social forms of bullying, such as being the target of a rumor, being excluded from social circles, or being a victim of cyberbullying.
• Youth who are victims of bullying are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, have lower academic performance, and even drop out of school.
In this article, we’ll be discussing tactics for helping them (and even yourself) stand up to bullies. Let’s get started!
Standing Up to Bullies
I once read, “a lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, afraid to say no. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It’s having a backbone.”
Unfortunately, our children will always be dealing with bullies –to be honest, many of us are still dealing with adult bullies in our workplaces, in positions of leadership, and even in our churches. Learning to respect yourself enough, to truly know your own worth, is a skill that will take our children far.
Below are some tips and tricks I have used with my own children to stand up to those making them feel less than.
5 Ways to Handle a Bully
1. Just say no
You do not have to give a long elaborate explanation. If someone is pressuring you to do something that you do not want to do, or if they are doing something to you and you want them to stop, a firm and assertive “NO” goes a long way.
2. Stop them in their tracks
Often, a bully is not really expecting anyone to challenge them. Speaking up and saying, “I don’t like that, you need to stop right now” may surprise them and help to stop them in their tracks.
3. Block it out
Envision a fog surrounding you or a big brick wall separating you from your bully. Their words and actions cannot penetrate the layer of protection you have for yourself.
4. Own your body language
Carry yourself in a way that shows you know you are worthy of respect. For me, that means putting on some heels and walking tall (well, as tall as I can be at 5 foot 3 inches, ha). For your child, that might be back straight, chin up, and a big smile on his or her face.
5. Don’t be afraid of eye contact
Eye contact is a powerful tool. Often, bullies try to intimidate by forcing eye contact. Meeting their eyes is a sign that you are not easily intimidated.
Final Thoughts
In order to be able to be more assertive when it really counts, we must allow our children to practice being assertive and commanding respect within their daily living tasks. For example, teach your child the importance of a good firm handshake while maintaining eye contact. You can also practice having assertive conversations.
Your home should also be a safe haven for your child to express themselves when someone (yes, even if that someone is you) has hurt their feelings. For example, maybe they feel like they are being disciplined unfairly, or they are unhappy with a new routine. By giving them the opportunity to express how they feel, you are showing them respect and allowing them the chance to “practice” being assertive. That doesn’t mean that the outcome will always go their way, but it does mean that you and your child can have a more productive conversation than what typically happens when hot tempers prevail.
Essentially, if we want our children to be comfortable being assertive with others, we must provide that safe place where they can practice being assertive, yet respectful, with us.
IS GREAT FOR YOUR KIDS WHY
By Tanni Haas, Ph.D.
I’ll never forget the first time I dropped off my now-teenage son at day care. He was just three months old, but I had to go back to work and I didn’t have any family members living nearby who could take care of him; dropping him off that first day I felt really sad and guilty.
In hindsight, I didn’t need to worry so much. My son has grown to become a smart, confident, and well-adjusted teen, and apparently so do other kids who were babies or toddlers in day care. Research shows that attending a quality day care is good for kids in so many ways, and those benefits persist over time.
Communication and Social Skills
In a typical day care, your kids spend their days in the company of many other kids and adults. So it’s not surprising that kids who attend day care develop excellent communication and social skills. They’re well-behaved, good at playing, taking turns, and sharing with other kids, and can solve conflicts with peers on their own. Since they’re exposed daily to a lot of adults with different personalities, they become versatile communicators who successfully interact with people in different situations. That’s certainly the case with my son. Since he was a toddler, he has engaged with confidence with all kinds of adults, including teachers, after-school counselors, and doctors.
Cognitive and Language Development
Kids who spend so much time in the company of other kids and adults at day care also develop language skills rapidly. “Highquality daycare focusing on structured educational activities,” says Dr. Noam Shpancer, a clinical psychologist, “has been
linked to improved cognitive and language development.” I observed this from my own experience. When my son first started day care, I was concerned that he’d be confused when spoken to in two languages: English in day care, and Danish (my native language) at home. I was wrong. One of the care givers from South America told me that my son understood Spanish after a year there. With continued Spanish language classes at school, today he’s fluent in all three languages.
Academic and Employment Preparation
Virtually all day cares have a daily schedule that includes play, meal, story, song, and nap time. The structured environment makes it easy for the kids to transition to a formal school day, teaching them both discipline and the ability to focus and listen attentively to teachers. These benefits persist over time. One recent study, which tracked a large sample of kids over several decades, found that kids who went to day care were more likely to earn college degrees, and they had an easier time finding jobs than kids who hadn’t gone to day care.
Health Benefits
Some parents are very concerned about health at day care centers. They hesitate to send their kids to day care, fearing their kids might frequently get sick. They’re not completely wrong: research shows that kids who attend day care get more infections than those who don’t. However, here’s the good news: they build up their immune system so well that by the time they start elementary school, they’re much less likely to get sick than their peers. As Dr. Gail Demmler-Harrison, a prominent researcher of the health benefits of day care, puts it, attending day care “benefits the immune system and the ability to fight infections.”
STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR YOUR KIDS AND SET THEM ON THE PATH TO
INDEPENDENCE
By Sandi Schwartz
IMAGINE SPENDING ALL THIS TIME AND ENERGY RAISING YOUR KIDS, AND THEN WHEN YOU SEND THEM OFF TO COLLEGE SOMEDAY, YOU STILL HAVE TO CALL TO WAKE THEM UP EVERY MORNING TO MAKE SURE THEY GET TO CLASS ON TIME. SOUNDS SHOCKING, RIGHT?
When I was in college twenty years ago, I can recall going multiple days, maybe even up to a couple of weeks, without communicating with my parents. Sure, this was before cell phones, text messaging, and Facebook, but it just wasn’t necessary to talk to my parents that often. They gave me plenty of freedom to live my own life and to explore and grow during those incredible years as I blossomed into an independent adult. Somehow, I figured out how to register for classes, study, eat, do laundry, meet new friends, get over break ups, and handle bad grades all on my own.
Nowadays high school graduates enter college as children, incapable of taking care of themselves. According to Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of How To Raise An Adult,
overparenting and prolonged childhood are an epidemic in this country. As the Dean of Freshman at Stanford University for 10 years, (one of best universities in the world), Julie LythcottHaims witnessed firsthand some disturbing trends of college students. Although they were more successful on paper than ever before, with pages of accolades like awards, high test scores, leadership roles, varsity letters, overseas experiences, unique community service projects, etc., these students were also less familiar with who they were, and their own goals and dreams. So many of them appeared to be robot-like, blindly following the directions of their parents to participate in certain activities and take classes that would land them acceptance letters from the finest institutions possible.
She also noticed that these kids couldn’t do much for themselves, and still relied on mom and dad to help them. They were constantly on the phone with their parents asking for advice, and requesting that they take care of basic tasks like registering them for classes, sending them special packages, advising them on their homework, and even contacting professors if they did not receive the perfect grade.
How on earth will these young adults ever hold a job and function in the real world if they can’t take care of themselves during college? We hear a lot about how millennials are difficult to work with in the job market—self-entitled, narcissistic, lazy, and tough to manage.
Lythcott-Haims makes it very clear: we have no one to blame but ourselves. The patterns that lead to this detrimental behavior start right now, even if your kids are in Kindergarten. Are you one of these types of parents?
Over protective. You view the world as unsafe, scary, and unpredictable so you do everything possible to protect your children instead of preparing them to learn how to handle life’s challenges themselves.
Tiger parent. You provide fierce direction to your kid, telling them that you know what’s best for them to achieve success in this world. Excessive hand holder. You do everything for your kids to make life as pleasant as possible for them. You are their concierge, chauffeur, handler, scheduler, and secretary.
These helicopter parenting styles are impeding our children. So my parents today feel like their kids can’t be successful without them helping at everyone turn and hovering over them. They spend so much time planning, protecting, directing, and nagging that they are ultimately stunting their growth. We are taking away the ability for our children to learn self-efficacy, says Lythcott-Haims. This incredibly important skill is a fundamental aspect of the human psyche. It is when individuals realize that their own actions lead to outcomes, that they have power to direct their own lives. “If our children are to build self efficacy, then they need to do more of the thinking, planning, deciding, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming, and experiencing of life for themselves. We may ensure some shortterm goals by over helping, but it comes as a long-term cost to their sense of self. We should be more concerned that they have the habits, skill set, mindset, and wellness to be successful no matter what their future holds,” she announces.
This is worrisome because we all want our children to be able to function without us, to fulfill their dreams and live happy, healthy, successful lives. Listening to her presentation really opened my eyes. So, how can we stop doing everything for our kids? Here are some steps to get started on this whole new parenting perspective.
STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
Many parents try to live through their children because they are unsatisfied with their own childhood. They may even refer to their child’s grades and activities as “ours”. Learn to separate what’s yours from what’s theirs. We also have to stop trying to mold our kids into something they are not. We will all be much better off if we love our children for who they are and support them.
TEACH THEM NEW SKILLS
The only way our children will learn to do things for themselves is if we provide opportunities for them to learn new skills. This starts during pre-school when we ask our children to dress themselves and use a fork properly. With each new year, there are so many chances to help develop their skill set. The best way to teach our kids a new skill is to: 1) do it for them, 2) do it with them, 3) watch them do it on their own, and 4) let them do it on their own. Wouldn’t you rather gradually teach your kids and not have to cram everything in on the way to college move in day?!
Let Them Fend For Themselves and Learn From Their Mistakes
It is so important that our children learn how to speak up for themselves and communicate with authority figures and peers alike. We have to stop trying to clean up all their messes for them and protect them from failure. The only way they will grow is if they make mistakes and learn how to handle them.
GIVE YOUR KIDS EXPERIENCES
Even if it is totally out of your comfort zone, try to let your kids experience activities without you that will help them build self-confidence and independence. Sleep overs, all-day sports or other competitions, camping trips, and sleepaway camp are some good examples. Last summer my son went off to sleepaway camp for four weeks, and it was very difficult for me. I cried for days worrying about him. But, you know what? When I saw him on visiting day, I was blown away by how happy he was and how mature he acted. I was petrified that he would pick up bad habits and become a rotten kid, but the opposite happened—he became an even more amazing version of himself.
By adjusting some of our parenting techniques now, we can better prepare our kids for a successful life ahead of them.
THE NEW DISCIPLINE
By Sandra Gordon
Endless tantrums. Rude back talk. Aggressive behavior. The gimmes. At some point you’ll face a child-behavior problem that you just can’t handle on your own. That’s when you might head to the library to check out a few books on discipline. Or ask your best friend for some suggestions. Or, if you’re really desperate, call your mom. But there’s another option (and yeah, it’s a pricey one): Hire a parent coach. Seriously.
It may sound crazy to pay a stranger $100 an hour or more for advice on getting your child to listen, go to bed, stop hitting his friends, and be a better eater. But that’s exactly what a growing number of frustrated parents are doing. And a lot of them are happy with the results. One mom, Gerri Weiner, credits her parent coach, Sharon Pieters, with teaching her to enforce rules without yelling at her 3-year-old son, Brandon. “She helped me regain control of my preschooler,” Weiner says.
Do you really need to pay someone to help discipline your child, and would you get your money’s worth? Judge for yourself. We asked four other parent coaches: Cathy Cassani Adams, Maureen O’Brien, Ph.D., Jennifer Wolf and Kim-Tai DeMars, how they’d solve some behavior issues that are common among young kids.
PARENT
PREDICAMENT: MY CHILD REFUSES TO GO TO BED.
Coach’s Playbook
Cassani Adams: You might try telling your child you’ll come into her room up to three times, but after that she needs to go to bed on her own. To reinforce the idea, tape three pieces of paper to her wall, and remove one each time she calls for you. Within a few nights, she’ll start cooperating.
Dr. O’Brien: State firmly: “It’s time for bed. Here are two books. Which one do you want Mommy to read to you before I turn out the light?” Don’t ask open-ended questions, such as: “Are you tired?” That invites negotiation.
Wolf: Be consistent with your child’s bedtime routine. Give her a bath at the same time every night, and play, read, and cuddle in the same order. That should help prepare her for bedtime. And if it doesn’t, try turning the TV off after dinner. Watching television may seem like a soothing activity, but it actually makes kids’ brains more alert.
DeMars: If your child keeps getting up, calmly put him back to bed. Say something like, “You’ve got a playdate tomorrow, and if you get a good night’s sleep, you’ll have a lot more fun.” If he’s old enough, try to explain why sleep is important: “When you get enough rest, your brain feels better and it helps your body grow.”
PARENT PREDICAMENT: MY KID GETS “THE GIMMES” IN STORES.
Coach’s Playbook
Cassani Adams: Talk to your child about the purpose of the shopping trip. If you’re picking out a birthday present for a friend’s party, explain before you enter the store that you’re there to buy only one thing. And let him know how you expect him to behave.
Dr. O’Brien: Say something like, “No, we can’t buy that toy. But you can put it on your birthday wish list, and maybe someone will get it for you.” You might also suggest that your child start saving her allowance or earning money so she can buy it herself one day.
Wolf: If you want your child to be able to delay gratification and be aware of the value of money, practice saying “No” when he gets the gimmes. Once you stop giving in to his whining, he’ll stop asking for things.
DeMars: State the rules before you go shopping: “If you keep asking to buy something, we’re going to leave the store.” Give your child one reminder, then leave if it continues. Avoid criticizing or scolding your child. You’ll only have to do this once or twice before she stops behaving this way.
PARENT PREDICAMENT: SHE TALKS BACK TO ME WHEN I ASK HER TO DO SOMETHING.
Coach’s Playbook
Cassani Adams: Firmly and consistently let your child know that you will not communicate with her this way. Suggest that she take some time to calm down, or, if necessary, give her a time-out. Once she’s settled down, work together to come up with a nicer way to talk.
Dr. O’Brien: Look your child in the eye and say, “We don’t talk like that.” Don’t get angry or make it personal, or she may become too emotional to absorb the lesson.
Wolf: Remind her that she needs to share her thoughts and opinions in a respectful way. If the backtalk doesn’t stop, try taking away her favorite toy for a day.
DeMars: Say: “I don’t like the way you spoke to me. It’s not okay to speak to people that way.” Then walk away and let your child think about what he said.
PARENT PREDICAMENT:
MY TODDLER HAS FREQUENT TEMPER TANTRUMS.
Coach’s Playbook
Cassani Adams: Accept that tantrums are a normal way for your child to release emotion and that they’re a normal part of child development. Try to remain calm. If you show that they upset you, they’ll only last longer and become.
Dr. O’Brien: Wait a minute or so to see whether your child calms down. She may just be trying to get attention. There’s no need to jump in right away--and doing so probably won’t solve anything.
Wolf: In a firm but quiet voice, say, “No, we don’t scream or throw ourselves on the ground.” If your child doesn’t calm down, walk away (unless you’re in a public place). When he realizes you won’t talk to him while he’s behaving this way, he’ll realize that tantrums don’t work.
DeMars: Look at the whole picture: Do your child’s meltdowns always occur at a certain time of day? Try to figure out what’s setting her off, and make adjustments. If she just needs a nap or a snack, it’s not really a discipline issue.
PARENT
PREDICAMENT: MY KIDS FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER 24/7.
Coach’s Playbook
Cassani Adams: Encourage your children to settle disputes on their own. If they come to you, help them talk through their options. You can also offer suggestions, but let them work out the solution themselves so they learn from the experience.
Dr. O’Brien: Hold a family meeting so your kids can air their grievances and you can mediate. Remind them that they don’t have to love their siblings all the time, but they do have to treat them with respect.
Wolf: Give your kids basic strategies for avoiding conflicts. For instance, “If you don’t want your sister to play with your Legos, then you need to put them away when you’re done playing with them.”
DeMars: It’s natural for kids to bicker, but if it persists or gets physical, you’ll need to intervene. Since kids often have trouble coming up with solutions in the heat of the moment, you may need to separate them and have a cooling-off period before they can really listen to each other and work things out.
COACH CHOOSING A
Think a parent coach might be right for you? Then follow this advice: Do your homework before you pick one. While some coaches have advanced degrees in child development, social work, or psychology, others have no formal training whatsoever.
1. Check out a coach’s credentials.
Ask if she’s certified through a graduate training program, such as the Parent Coaching Institute in Bellevue, Washington. At the least, find someone who has worked with families for a minimum of two years.
2. Comparison shop.
Ask several candidates the same question (such as, “How would you handle a 3-year-old who won’t sleep through the night?”). Then pick the coach who’s on the same wavelength as you.
3. Get references.
Don’t put all of your trust in online reviews. Call at least two past clients to find out how helpful the coach really was.
PARENT PREDICAMENT: HE HITS OTHER KIDS ON PLAYDATES.
Coach’s Playbook
Cassani Adams: The next time your child hits someone, remove him from the situation right away and ask, “What can you do instead of hitting to get what you want? Can you use your words? Can you ask me for help?” If it continues, give him a time-out to cool down.
Dr. O’Brien: If your child is 2 or younger, take him aside and say, “Our rule is no hitting.” If he’s 3 or older, establish immediate consequences for hitting, such as taking away TV time. And you’re your child apologize right away to the person he hit.
Wolf: Get down on your child’s level and say, “No. We don’t hit. We use our words.” If your child is at least 3, you can explain what he should have done differently. For instance, “In the future, you can ask your friend for a turn instead of hitting her and grabbing the toy.”
DeMars: Help him put his feelings into words. Say something like, “I can tell you’re really angry, but hitting won’t solve anything.” If his aggressive behavior continues, send him to another room and say, “If you don’t stop hitting your friends, you won’t be allowed to have playdates.” And be prepared to follow through with your consequence.
PARENT PREDICAMENT: MY CHILD IS A PICKY EATER.
Coach’s Playbook
Cassani Adams: Let him try new foods with something he likes, such as cheese sauce, ketchup, or ranch dressing. Be positive, and keep your expectations realistic: If your child takes a bite or two, that’s success.
Dr. O’Brien: When you serve a new food, make a side dish you know your child will eat. But don’t give in by making her a separate meal. She won’t starve, and eventually she’ll learn to give new things a try.
Wolf: Instead of letting your child graze all day as he pleases, schedule snacktimes, such as at 10 AM and 3 PM, so you know he’ll be hungry for meals. That way, he’ll be more open to try new things.
DeMars: Put a little of the new food on her plate, along with something you know she’ll eat. Don’t expect immediate results. You may have to serve it to her ten times before she’ll take more than a bite of it.
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Help Your Kids Develop a Positive Body Image:
What to Say and Do
Consider ways parents can help their kids feel good about themselves and their bodies. There’s a lot you can say and do to nurture a positive body image. Here’s what the experts suggest:
Value all bodies
The first and most important thing is to make your kids value all bodies. Explain to them, says Sumner Brooks, a registered dietician and author of How to Raise an Intuitive Eater, that “bodies come in all kinds of different shapes and sizes [and that] there isn’t one good way to have a body.” Joslyn Smith of the National Eating Disorders Association puts it even more pointedly: Tell your kids that “all bodies - including yoursare good bodies.”
Love the body you’re in
You can inspire your kids to love their own bodies by asking them “what they like about their body and why,” says Diana Chillo-Havercamp, a licensed clinical social worker with expertise in children. This could be anything from how their eyes, ears, and noses let them experience the world in different but exciting ways to the beauty of the color of their skin. “A regular practice of saying affirmations,” notes Ana Reisdorf, a registered dietician: “can reduce negative self-talk and build your children’s confidence.”
Focus on what bodies can do
Another way to cultivate a positive body image is to “teach children to appreciate bodies for what they can do rather than how they look,” says Dr. Amy Slater, a clinical psychologist and one of the leading researchers on body image issues. Instead of asking them whether they think they’re too thin or too thick – and how they ideally would like to look – talk to them about all the things they can do and would like to do with their bodies, whether it’s riding a bike, learning a cool dance, mastering skateboarding or becoming a better swimmer. These conversations will make them feel good about themselves and inspire them to try to stay healthy and strong.
Promote a guilt-free relationship to food
It’s also important to promote a guilt-free relationship to food. Instead of telling your kids to only eat “good” nutritious food and avoid all “bad” junk food, which isn’t realistic or sustainable, teach them to listen to their bodies and don’t eat any more than they need. Kids need to learn, as Dr. Renee Engeln, a professor of psychology, puts it, “to listen to their bodies’ own cues about hunger and satiety.” To do that, says Milda Zolubaite, a registered nutritionist, never tell your kids that they need to clean their plates. Instead, “promote eating until full versus eating until all food is consumed,” say Drs. Sasha Ulrich and Deidre Paulson, family physician and clinical psychologist, respectively.
Encourage physical exercise
Encourage your kids to be active and exercise. “Physical activity, even a 10-minute walk,” says Dr. Angela Celia Doyle, a clinical psychologist, “has been shown in research to improve body image.” Make sure, though, that you suggest physical exercise as a way to stay healthy and strong rather than to lose weight.
Model a positive body image
Kids look to adults for guidance on how to feel about themselves and their bodies, and no adults are more influential to kids than their parents. Try to cultivate a positive body image yourself and project that image to your kids.” As Ms. Reisdorf puts it: “Work at being the role model your children need to see.”
Teach your kids media literacy
Despite best efforts to nurture and project a positive body image, chances are that your kids will be influenced by the super-skinny bodies they see on TV and social media. Explain to them that many of these images are digitally-altered and edited and that, even when the images are real, they don’t represent healthy bodies that they should try to copy. “Help your child become a savvy media critic,” says Dayle Hayes, a registered dietician, “by talking about bodies on television, in magazines and on the internet.”
Also, encourage your kids to read books with a body positive message. Well-known titles include All Bodies are Good Bodies by Charlotte Barkla and Erica Salcedo, Beautifully Me by Nabela Noor and Nabi Ali, and Love Your Body by Jessica Sanders and Carol Rossetti.
