Making It Real

Mindful: What about when the other person doesn’t have these tools or when they just want to fight?

Oren Jay Sofer : We cocreate our relationships; it takes two of us to dance. Regardless of whether or not the other person is familiar with these ideas and practices, you can shift the dialogue by how you relate. In martial arts, if you tense up or resist and your opponent is more skilled than you, they can easily take you down. Fighting back immediately puts you in the realm of struggle and power dominance—and right there you’ve already lost something important. You lose balance, your own equilibrium and responsiveness. But if your mind and body stay flexible and dynamic, you can redirect their energy and things can take a different course.

When someone comes toward you with aggressive, blaming energy, if you respond with empathy, meeting their intensity in an authentic way, the game stops there. Try to see their behavior as a strategy to meet their needs. What do they want? If you can connect with that, you can start to defuse the situation.

How do you actually remember to use these tools?

Take the long view and create a positive feedback loop. What matters most is that we remember, not when we remember. The next part is being persistent. It takes patience, dedication, and willingness to forge and remember again and again. Over time, the gaps get shorter. The wonderful thing is that most people welcome a do-over. If you realize you totally bungled a conversation, why not let the other person know? Say, “Hey, I said some things I didn’t mean earlier. Would you be up for rewinding and trying that again with me?”

How do you deal with people who won’t acknowledge certain facts, who have different data or “alternate facts”?

Focus on the needs. Getting alignment on shared values is what enables us to have meaningful conversations. The real work is in establishing that mutual framework, criteria for the solutions we devise.

When we care deeply about the issues, such dialogues are by nature challenging. It’s therefore important to do as much inner work as we can ahead of time. Get empathy for any pain, fear, despair, or anger you have about the impact of the other person’s views. Then try to see their humanity. Stretch your heart with empathy. Try to make sense of their choices, to reach for the deeper needs behind what may seem incomprehensible on the surface. This can create an important bridge in hearing one another and can protect us from devolving into reactivity.