Principles of Mindful Communication

Listen

When in conflict, if we aim to listen to the other person first it increases the chances that they will be willing to listen to us.

Notice

Attending to our own reactivity—by noticing the rise of activation and supporting the calm of deactivation (see page 71)—can help us make wiser choices about what to say and when.

Reflect First

People are more likely to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.

Try Understanding

The more we understand one another, the easier it is to find solutions that work for everyone. Therefore, establish as much mutual understanding as possible before problem solving.

Identify Wants

Conflict generally occurs at the level of our strategies—what we want. The more deeply we are able to identify our needs— why we want what we want—the less conflict there is.

Emotional Awareness

Being aware of our emotions supports our ability to choose consciously how we participate in a conversation. Take Responsibility

The more we take responsibility for our feelings, connecting them to our needs rather than to others’ actions, the easier it is for others to hear us.

Hear the Need

The more we hear others’ feelings as a reflection of their needs, the easier it is to understand them without hearing blame, needing to agree, or feeling responsible for their emotions.

have a profound effect on the conversation. Whatever the situation, however confusing or harmful another’s actions, there is some internal logic behind their choices. Decide how you want to show up in this conversation and focus on that, rather than on proving a point or being right.

Sometimes our best attempts at preparing for a difficult conversation aren’t enough. We get triggered, the other person gets angry, and we realize we’re headed straight for the rocks. This is when the time you spent running drills—honing your mindfulness muscle—comes in. Tuning in to your body, recognizing your own signs of upset, and skillfully riding the waves of activation can help guide you back toward calmer waters.

Redirecting the River

Conflict can send a cascade of physiological effects through our body. Our breathing changes, stress hormones release, and, if we lack skills to meet this swell of energy, our cognitive function alters.

Every time we respond by blowing up, running away, or shutting down, we retrace and strengthen the neural networks for that behavior, like floodwaters carving a riverbed into a hillside. Inundated with stimuli, our sympathetic system prompts us to react with aggression, fear, or confusion, and we fall back on one of the four learned conflict behaviors (avoidance, confrontation, passivity, and/or passive aggression).

With mindful presence and skill, we can shift these patterns by carving new conduits into the hillside of our mind and body, creating different streams for that energy to follow. Progress is incremental, but every drop we redirect deepens the new riverbed, attracting more and more water to change the course of the river of consciousness.

In tough situations, the main thing to be mindful of is our nervous system. You can do this by recognizing when you’re getting worked up, →