My friend Elly just tagged me in a Facebook video from College Humor entitled “Stop Naming Your Kids Michael.” The College Humor guy went on and on about how there were too many Michaels and if you lined up all the Michaels, it would go around the world or something like that (like that was a bad thing!). He was wearing a gingham shirt and I don’t really remember what he said because this Mike was seeing red. What a coincidence that my friend Melanie asked me (A Mike) if I wanted to contribute to Mike Magazine right after I saw this video about Mikes.
Disclaimer: I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe in Mikacles. Now, the name Michael comes from the Bible, and means “He who is closest to God.” Michael was the angel that God was best friends with. The first instance of the name “Mike” is from God, who gave it to their best friend, the angel Michael. That was the first Mikacle. Fast forward a couple million years, and you got about 400,000 Mikes and Michaels rolling around, doing their thing. But here’s the other thing — we never stopped being friends with God. God is talking to me right now. God says,“whazzzup” (like the Budweiser commercial from the 90s lol). God is pissed at that College Humor video too, but God is too busy to write this article so they told me they trust me and to just go for it! God is sooooo cool... Here’s some stuff I learned from God because my name is Mike and God talks to everyone named Michael or Mike:
Now what pissed me off so much about that College Humor video was that it was literally telling people to not name their kids Michael.That is the exact opposite of what we should be doing! To achieve God’s perfect vision we must each have at least 20 children and name them all Michael or Mike. Both are fine, but to be safe, you can and should name them Michael Mike. If we each commit to bringing 20 new Michael Mikes into the world, and then each of those 20 Michael Mikes also commit to bringing 20 new Michael Mike’s into the world, we will achieve Transcendence by 2050. If you are reading this article right now and hoping for Transcendence but are not named Michael or Mike, that’s okay!! You can still name your next 20 children Michael Mike. You can also legally change your name to Michael or Mike or Michael Mike in solidarity but God tells me that doesn’t count (God says that would be super chill of you though!). Lastly, you can help by not living past the year 2049, the last year before Transcendence will be possible. If it’s any consolation, Heaven is real. Of course, if you are not named Mike or Michael, you will go to Hell (which God told me is even more real than Heaven). Now if you’ll excuse me, I have at least 20 Michael Mikes to bring into existence ;)
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• Angels and Devils are actually Aliens. Humanity comes ✨ from an Angel and a Devil having a baby • Jesus Christ’s real name ✨ was Michaeljesus Michaelchristmike • God feels really bad about all the ✨ bad stuff on Earth these days. God is✨sorry • Climate Change is real
And lastly: If literally everyone was named Michael, the stars in the sky would blink out one at a time until there were no more stars and then God’s experiment would be complete and we would all Transcend. I’m not sure what it means to Transcend — God has a hard time telling us with words. When I ask God what they mean, they just send me back the 100 emoji. I think that’s God’s little way of saying, “hey trust me, it’s gonna be good.”
It’s good to be Mike!