Page 1

STRANDED SEAMEN: SUMMER’S WASHED-UP BEACH LOOKS

Three Ways to Rekindle the Magic After You Referred to Sex as “Adult Planking”

NEW YORK

niXXXon

cynthia

SPRING/sUMMER 2018

MIKE MAGAZINE


born thirsty


let te r fro m t he ed i t o r

“That’s hot” “I am coming...” - Paris Hilton

M

I K

E I should start this letter by mentioning that I had more or less nothing to do with the conception, planning, design, implementation or general work on this magazine or any of its surrounding events. As of this writing, I don’t really know what’s in this, who contributed, why anyone contributed (?), or how much work my dumb friends put into this project — but I am very excited.

- Jesus, Revelation 22:7 The idea of MIKE MAGAZINE was first proposed to me after alighting the Staten Island Ferry one spring evening. Walking up Water Street in The Big Apple’s Financial District, my spiritual shamans Tarah and Melanie described the concept: F A S H U N, art, poetry, critical analysis, a how-to guide on pretending to do literally anything but G-Chat at work. I wanted to say no because I was pretty embarrassed by the idea, but I was quickly told “this [Michael Magazine LLC] isn’t actually about you!” Melanie — whose LinkedIn profile photo has been a can of “fancy” vegetarian beans obscured by a plastic bag for at least a month — described it as an inside joke that everyone could be a part of but no one would actually understand. Therein lies the genius. Although I don’t necessarily know who contributed to this, I’ve been given some hints. Since the initial pitch (and as a result of living in 45’s trash-ass America), I’ve come to realize how necessary a fun, potentially pointless creative outlet is. I am so thankful to know and be surrounded by passionate and talented freaks of all shapes, colors, ages, sizes, genders, nationalities, personalities, preferences, opinions and levels-of-caughtup-on-Ru-Paul’s-Drag-Race-Season-10. Sometimes, it is important to be stupid, to flex that brain muscles that says “This is reality and I don’t like it and I want to explode but instead I am going to put some effort into realizing something that is different, weird, new, accepting, reflective, queer… more how I actually feel.”


I hope this doesn’t come off as didactic or overtly gushy, but my heart really does leap up knowing we, as a community, can say “FUCK YOU” to certain unbearable realities of living on planet earth by leaning into our most authentic selves and celebrating our weirdas-hell minds. Thank you for stopping by.

PS: Although I am listed as the editor on this page, I want to again reiterate that I in no way edited this volume or really did any work on this whatsoever besides photoshopping Pedro’s face onto fake dollar bills for Buttchug Melanie to shoot out of her cash gun at this magazine’s release party.

One love,

PPS: ANY mention of illicit substances, idiocy, INCIVILITY, or any other explicit content is STRICTLY the opinion of the artist / author and IS DEFINITELY NOT CONDONED BY ME!!!!!!!!

Michael Joint

to oing g m ’ b sI Jesu it so dum e mak Prove text message between me and melanie

it


MIKE MAGAZINE founded April 20, 2018* Editor-in-chief: Michael J. Perles Head Cheerleader: Pedro Lopez Senior Mirage: Tarah Douglas Intern: Melanie Blart East Quad Archivist: Virginia Easthope Director of Colors and Shapes: Claire Jaffe Chief Cartoonist: Rose Jaffe Mike Analyst: Mike Migdall Will Shortz: Tara “Will Longz” McCauley Visual Editor: Calley Nelson Chair, Party Planning Committee: Jayne McAllister Resident Arborist: Allan Rey Broadway Fashion™ Director/Deputy Arborist: Fiona Clowney Mr. Music: Kendall G. Russ Editor-in-queef: Paul “Chiffon” Schreiber Executive Pupae: Christina Seo West Coast Correspondent: Jerusaliem Gebreziabher Greenpoint Correspondent: Gus Turner Everything Bagel Correspondent: Sarah Wasko Poet Laureate: Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya Nature Editor: Sophie Zimiles Beautiful Picture Maker: Landyn Pan Dance Mom: Thomas A. Roltsch As(s)trologer: Amy Boras

Intern’s Interns: Jordan Alper, Abby Beatty, Sameer Bhagavatula, Anna Carolan, Jordan Evangelista, Sundai Johnson, Anders Kapur, Zoe Stahl *BASICALLY


There is a 99.7% chance1 that I have known Mike longer than you. I’m not bragging, it’s just the truth. Get over it.

Since our first meeting somewhere in or around the year 2004, I have had the distinct pleasure of witnessing Mike grow from a young little thing into an older, slightly larger thing, and in the course of this acquaintanceship-turned-friendship I have come to treasure Mike, as have you all. I could tell a number of embarrassing stories from his early years, and I suspect this is precisely the hope of Mike Magazine’s readership: one springs to mind concerning a Blackberry with no data plan purchased from eBay in 2005. I could write an entire essay about his sartorial misfires in the mid-aughts. I might have decided to tell the tale of The Great Lake Michigan Tanning Oil Fracas of 2007, wherein Mike and I stood united as our entire social circle called into question our mental stability after having become deeply agitated at our apparent lack of commitment to suburban norms of health and wellness 2 as we pursued (and would later come to master) aesthetic perfection. I 3 could mention twenty-first century Tamagotchis. I could even sing the song of our fallen friend, Mr. Spicy. But so great is my esteem for Mike, our dear Mike, that I wouldn’t dream of dragging all of this assorted embarrassment into the present day: 4

I’m just not that kind of friend.

So instead I’ll say this: Mike is a fucking mensch. I have rarely met someone who, from such a young age, approached life with such an unwavering commitment to integrity. Unwilling to follow the group when teenage antics took a cruel bent, Mike has provided a confident moral example to me from the day I met him. Not to say he wasn’t a whiny little bitch sometimes, but I wouldn’t say that in print! Because as I mentioned: I’m just not that kind of friend. He is a true blue, no bullshit kind of guy, and I’m unendingly impressed with the man he has become since we first met fourteen years ago. I’m truly sorry to be unable to attend the Mike Magazine launch party due to an out-of-town engagement, but I hope that y’all have a blast. And Mike: I hope you have a very happy birthgay, a prosperous year, and I’ll see you in hell. Ever your friend and brother, Thomas Andrew Roltsch 1. I feel compelled to mention that I received a failing grade for Intro to Stats at the University of Michigan, fall term 2009. 2. We looked fucking amazing. Look it up. It’s on Facebook. 3. Come to think of it, I think he thought these were stupid, so it’s more of an embarrassing story about me, were I able to feel embarrassed.* 4. I am precisely that kind of friend. Don’t tell me anything.† *This line is paraphrased (stolen) from Archer S02E07 “Movie Star” † Just kidding tell me everything.‡ ‡ Just kidding don’t


emotional contagion

a

f

you w coming soon

cr y i

t t o n

y

as systemic change c u an o

a tear basin for the people


E L M E O G A JI B

NOW


washed

Yikes! You and your landlubbing friends took three-and-a-half buses just to get to Martha’s Vineyard — but thanks to an upended pontoon, now you’re stranded at the beach with nothing but two Luna bars and a bag full of get-ups! What are you casta-gays gonna do now? Don’t panic, little sea freaks! Sure, your dinghy capsized, but with a careful eye on accessories (not to mention sharks), you’ll be giving oceanic looks faster than you can say “I’m severely dehydrated.”

up!


Tie it together! A chunky clip-on earring can give some much-needed weight to your water-resistant ascot.


Watch out for hunger-related fashion snafus! Sure, this looks like a beaded bag now, but it’ll look like an delicately iced Pop Tart if you don’t find some food quick.


us

r...

An afternoon finger massage can do wonders after fist-fighting a common loon over a fish carcass.

ou

it o n y e


Being shipwrecked is no excuse for lax sun protection! Well actually, it kinda is. But you should still wear a hat! S-O-S? More like S-O-YAAAAAAAS! Wave that rescue flag in the air like you just don’t care! But you do care. A lot. Is help on its way?


You’re sweaty, you’re anxious, you’re pissed the ocean is made of saltwater and not seltzer. We get it! A paper fan can keep your look fresh while you wait for rescue. Hey, at least you don’t have to go to work on Monday!


pursefirst pursefirst purse first isn’t it time you let

pursefirst

your bag do the

talking? styled by: Martha


n!

m o o i z


The COLOR Book of Life by: Claire Jaffe

US Capitol Subway Red Carpet Red

Sol Lewitt Snow King White

Ball Gown Blue

How Everything Looks Through Melanie’s Glasses Pink


e

Chinatown C abbage Green

Fiona Kowanis Jacket Purple Stella Nugget Beige?

Tongue Sprinkle Orange

Perfect Linen Pant Pink


✨ u o y b o e l i e ve in D

I A M K ? L ? ? S C E ? by mike migdall

at’s

th hey

me!


My friend Elly just tagged me in a Facebook video from College Humor entitled “Stop Naming Your Kids Michael.” The College Humor guy went on and on about how there were too many Michaels and if you lined up all the Michaels, it would go around the world or something like that (like that was a bad thing!). He was wearing a gingham shirt and I don’t really remember what he said because this Mike was seeing red. What a coincidence that my friend Melanie asked me (A Mike) if I wanted to contribute to Mike Magazine right after I saw this video about Mikes.

Disclaimer: I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe in Mikacles. Now, the name Michael comes from the Bible, and means “He who is closest to God.” Michael was the angel that God was best friends with. The first instance of the name “Mike” is from God, who gave it to their best friend, the angel Michael. That was the first Mikacle. Fast forward a couple million years, and you got about 400,000 Mikes and Michaels rolling around, doing their thing. But here’s the other thing — we never stopped being friends with God. God is talking to me right now. God says,“whazzzup” (like the Budweiser commercial from the 90s lol). God is pissed at that College Humor video too, but God is too busy to write this article so they told me they trust me and to just go for it! God is sooooo cool... Here’s some stuff I learned from God because my name is Mike and God talks to everyone named Michael or Mike:

Now what pissed me off so much about that College Humor video was that it was literally telling people to not name their kids Michael.That is the exact opposite of what we should be doing! To achieve God’s perfect vision we must each have at least 20 children and name them all Michael or Mike. Both are fine, but to be safe, you can and should name them Michael Mike. If we each commit to bringing 20 new Michael Mikes into the world, and then each of those 20 Michael Mikes also commit to bringing 20 new Michael Mike’s into the world, we will achieve Transcendence by 2050. If you are reading this article right now and hoping for Transcendence but are not named Michael or Mike, that’s okay!! You can still name your next 20 children Michael Mike. You can also legally change your name to Michael or Mike or Michael Mike in solidarity but God tells me that doesn’t count (God says that would be super chill of you though!). Lastly, you can help by not living past the year 2049, the last year before Transcendence will be possible. If it’s any consolation, Heaven is real. Of course, if you are not named Mike or Michael, you will go to Hell (which God told me is even more real than Heaven). Now if you’ll excuse me, I have at least 20 Michael Mikes to bring into existence ;)

• Angels and Devils are actually Aliens. Humanity comes ✨ from an Angel and a Devil having a baby • Jesus Christ’s real name ✨ was Michaeljesus Michaelchristmike • God feels really bad about all the ✨ bad stuff on Earth these days. God is✨sorry • Climate Change is real

And lastly: If literally everyone was named Michael, the stars in the sky would blink out one at a time until there were no more stars and then God’s experiment would be complete and we would all Transcend. I’m not sure what it means to Transcend — God has a hard time telling us with words. When I ask God what they mean, they just send me back the 100 emoji. I think that’s God’s little way of saying, “hey trust me, it’s gonna be good.”

It’s good to be Mike!


o r & d e e e k p i g n m a h C e m u t s o C i

by: F

ney

low ona C

!

up m e h t ress

d

mi

h! c t a m x and

the possiblities are endless!!!


rose jaffe


At Home with Cynthia NiXXXon photographed by: Pedro Lopez

From shackin’ up with Steve

in Park Slope to the Governor’s Mansion? If anyone can do it, it’s Cynthia! Mike Magazine caught up with Cynthia NiXXXon at her home-cum-campaign headquarters, getting a behind-the-scenes peek into her battle with Cuomo, her self-care routine (spoiler: none!), and which train line is the absolute gayest. Because, yes, trains are gay.


“I don’t twink my platform’s all that radical — mandatory queerness has been really successful internationally.”


“Status Cuomo is more interested in pulverizing his opponents into submission than creating real political change. In a straight way, too, which like... ewwwwww.�


“Miranda would definitely be the chief of staff. She’d whip all these straights into shape.”


“Of ourse trains are gay. What’s ayer than reliable, affordable, comfortable and convenient public transit?”


“The gayest trains are . Obviously.”


“I’m out for hetero blood.”


E V A H

YOU MET

THE

QUEEN? written by:

Christina S

eo


The Entomologist is grabbing the beard of bees dangling from one of the hive entrances attached to the Queen Castle. This Queen Castle is a medium super divided into three segments, which allows three active hives with special frames containing multiple Queens to coexist. The Queen Castle can host developing Queens in sacks full to the brim of royal jelly, active Queens who ardently lay eggs, and sometimes a Queen can go missing. The Entomologist is grabbing the beard of bees hanging from the entrance of the Queen Castle with her bare hands, she laughs and yes, we laugh too because now we know that we’re all into smoking a little bit of pot before and after beekeeping, which this season is every Tuesday for the three of us, The Entomologist, The Head Beekeeper, and me The Head Beekeeper’s Apprentice. We are not wearing our veils, and the roof is really hot at the peak of the afternoon. The salty smell of perspiration and my mineral based sunscreen makes me feel a certain kind of way. I can feel the dots of perspiration on the bridge of my nose growing into beads. I anticipate the sweat to start making its way down the bridge of my nose, and The Head Beekeeper cracks the outer cover of the Queen Castle to peep inside. Today we had to kill a Queen. Today we had to install a developing Queen Cell that was fully capped, into an empty hive in the Queen Castle, in the hopes that we can replace the Queen we had to kill today. Today The Entomologist tasted Royal Jelly, and then I too tasted Royal Jelly. I smooshed a little bit of the milky white glob into my mouth straight from the Queen Cell which we purposely extracted and smooshed into our mouths. It was a delectable propolis forward start, with a hard protein cum taste that left a slight bitter note in the back of my throat.


Why do bees select one egg towards the bottom of the frame and fill the cell

with Royal Jelly to make a new Queen? Why do the pupae look like bee-ghosts after the larval stage, like literally why do they look like little ghosts of bees? They are the shape and structure of a bee with all the color depleted from them, and when you hold one of them delicately in the palm of your hand, it can somehow smoosh into a glob of white schmear in your hand so easily, so quickly. Why does royal jelly taste like cum. Why do I give a fuck about whether he is thinking about me. I’m surrounded by the intense humming drone of buzzing all around me. Drones are male bees that do nothing for some reason, there is no lesson here to learn. The worker bees, the nurse bees, The Queens, they just happen to do all the work, there is no lesson here to learn, however it is a fact that all the bees that do the work are female. The females are the ones who sting, the drones are larger and have cute fan shaped fuzz patterns on their butts in lieu of stinger butts. Perspiration tickles the bridge of my nose as it makes its way down, and I take my hive tool to a frame with my bare hands, slowly releasing the propolised resin that the bees gum every crack and crevice of their hives with. I lift the golden, fragrant, sweet and warm frame of bees out of one of the hives. Sun on my back, I move the frame gently to and fro, looking into each cell of beeswax for an even pattern of small eggs laying straight up at the bottom and the center of each cell. I see the small glisten of the tiny white egg laying up and straight in between the worker and nurse bees ambling along the cells. The Queen is good, and she’s mated. The Entomologist picks up the body of something that looks like an ant except bigger, longer, and with wings. She says, “This ant Queen died and she didn’t lose her wings.”

I ask, “What does that mean.”

“She wasn’t mated before she died.”

I slowly ease the healthy frame back down into the hive where the propolis stamp is left from where I pried it out. I don’t want to read into anything, but lately I’ve been looking up at the moon at night and wondering if it matters that my horoscope exists. I don’t know why I want to read about my love compatibility, I don’t know why royal jelly taste like cum, and I don’t know why the female bees do all the work. I don’t want to read into anything.


Lequeu’d up and ready to go house of chiffon


TILF

To the untrained eye, trees might seem like a bunch of arrogant popsicle sticks. But experts say they’re ecologically imperative — and quite fuckable. Mike Magazine’s resident arborist allan ranks this seasons’s hottest trees.

Tree I’d Like to Fuck MAGNOLIA

ELM

REDBUD DOGWOOD

RED OAK YELLOWWOOD

WEEPING WILLOW HOLLY

]

MAGNOLIA

]

the arborist says: magnolias: dope flowers, dope size, dope climbability

MAGNOLIA

]

DOGWOOD

cry bitch

WEEPING SEQ-

]

RED OAK

]

WEEPING WILLOW

]

WEEPING WILLOW


arborist e h nt a l al y b

i

hi e s fa v trees, we mad

rty) i td

WHITE OAK

mighty big hole

]

UOIA

SEQUOIA

RIVER BIRCH

PONDEROSA PINE

PONDEROSA PINE

]

thi

r

af y st

TULIP

WHITE OAK

up?

]

WILLOW

u tree hey

•••

SEQUOIA

]

]

ju st ra nk ed

]

(

he

MAPLE SEQUOIA BALD CYPRESS RIVER BIRCH ASH PONDEROSA PINE


S E L P U B CO R U L C E TH

@

written

by

p

otogra

ph urner | T s u G :

n Pan

y : Land y b d e h

These are three stories of romantic relationships that began in nightlife settings:

two bars and an underground club, all in New York. Today, when the conversation and interest about dating is so online, that seems worth highlighting. No relationship is more valid than another simply because it began at a bar or club than on an app, but as I heard these stories, I was struck by how uncommon they felt to me, surprised by how these moments between strangers had managed to become something rare and beautiful. On a dim dancefloor in East Village, Pedro, wanting to dance with somebody, saw Mike. After noticing signals too strong to ignore, Terron ran out of a bar in Chelsea to ask Josh for his phone number before a cab could take him away. For Sean and Chris, Daylight Saving’s 25th hour was one that would prove pivotal. There was no time to creep the other person’s Instagram, to see if your Likes aligned with theirs, to Google potential opening lines, any of the behaviors or available shortcuts to a desired outcome that online dating offers us. Rather, I think Pedro put it best:

“It’s nice to meet somebody and you’re not talking.” That speaks to the voice inside my head more than my actual voice, the specific neuroses that online dating can aggravate by asking us to maintain a counterpart we hope is accepted not only by other people, but also ourselves. There is a gap between perception and reality that feels more glaring online than in-person. All that said, I have nothing more against dating apps than the same listlessness and frustration that I think the majority of their users do. And who hasn’t had a similar listlessness and frustration with any type of dating? The disappointment associated with online dating, however, can be distinctly lifeless, a romantic genre haunted by ghosts, projections, bots, and dormant accounts. These stories are a contribution to a more traditional form, but one that is no less vivid from age, and benefits more from the fact of our living. And, sometimes, or more often than that, if we’re lucky, it is nice to feel alive. I won’t say anything more.


Mike & Pedro


So where did you guys meet? Mike: We met at Webster Hall. When was this? Pedro: September 8th, 2016. Right before the election. M: Yeah, it was the Studio at Webster Hall. What was going on there? P: It was the afterparty for Barragán. I like the guy’s aesthetic and what he does. Would I pay money for the clothes? I don’t know. But it’s very kind of weird, foodie, fetish-y, Internet-y… M: It’s like… P: It’s like tiny glasses and tribal sleeves. M: Oh, that’s not painting…the best picture of it. So you were at this foodie, fetish-y afterparty. M: It’s like a self-aware, ugly, druggy, gay, slutty fashion brand. Had you guys been to the Studio at Webster Hall before? M: I’d never been to the Studio. P: I’d never been to Webster Hall. M: I saw Beach House there once. Why did you individually end up at this afterparty? P: I had a friend who was doing production for the show, that I met many moons ago through the Internet. He sent me an invite and I was, like, “Oh, this looks like fun.” And I don’t do anything, so I decided to go. M: I think Jocelyn was helping plan it with the magazine she worked for. But I went with Tara and Henry and Jocelyn. I was unemployed, and it was 2 a.m. or something, so they left; it was a Thursday night. But I was, like, “Whatever, I don’t have a job. I’ll just stay.”


Had you pre-gamed? Gone to a bar? P: Pre-gamed. I met up with my friend Claudia, and she’s, like, “Oh, do you wanna do drugs?” And I was, like, “Yeah!” So, we popped molly, as they say, and went to the afterparty. M: I was mostly sober. I didn’t pre-game; I just went straight there. I think it was one of those things where at 10:45 I was, like, “Do I wanna do this…?” And then it was one train stop away, so. Before you guys had seen each other at the party, you were just hanging out? Dancing? M: I was dancing, alone. Everyone had left, and I was dancing alone on the dancefloor with my eyes closed. Pedro was also dancing— P: I was dancing with Claudia. M: —and tapped me on the shoulder. You had the crate handle tied to the back of your pants. P: Yeah, in true fashion, I decided to sew crate handles to the back of my pants. A true fetish, fashion foodie. P: Yeah, Spring/Summer Packing 2023. And that was at 2 a.m.? M: Yeah, probably at 2. And then we left probably at 3:30.


What song was playing? M: When we met? P: “Me & U” by Cassie was playing at one point. I remember that. I kept on being, like [to Mike], “You should hold onto this handle! I just put it on my pants. It functions.” M: Me and you. P: It’s just me and you! M: And then we left. There were people that were at the party in the subway station. Like, teens. Or not teens, but maybe minors, and they just had a six-pack in the L. They shared a six-pack with us. Was the party crowded? P: Not really. It didn’t feel that crowded. There was a lot happening. People would get up on stage, but it never seemed too crazy. M: Dese [Escobar] was there; China Chalet people were DJing. It was that kind of thing. It was sweaty, though. It was kinda nasty. Swampy. What was the lighting like? M: Dark. P: Yeah, it wasn’t even cool or anything. It was just dim, bar light. M: I feel like it was that half-assed party lighting where it’s dark and the light is not flashing quickly, it’s just, like, kinda sad. On, off. That venue is weird, too, because drinks are $100. But I still, somehow, was drunk. So, Pedro, you tapped Mike on the shoulder. What made you approach him? P: He was dancing really close to Claudia and I. So, I was, like, “Claudia, I don’t know if this guy is straight, but he’s getting closer, so I’m gonna go dance on him.” I don’t even know if I tapped you on the shoulder; I think I just danced up to you. And I was, like, “If he’s not about it, then we’ll figure that out, if that’s the case.” What made you reciprocate Pedro’s approach? M: I don’t know. I had a good vibe. People don’t often approach you on the dance floor to dance, unfortunately. So you liked the boldness? M: I liked the boldness. Sometimes I would feel weird about someone wanting to dance. [To Pedro] Did you do that before we met? Dance with people at the club? P: No. I’d never decided to go dance with someone. M: Yeah, it feels like really scary, teen dance-y. P: Yeah, I was just, like, “I’m going to hop onto this situation and see what happens.” And then the first time I’d ever done it, it worked in our favor.


Do you have any perspective on dating apps, and how that experience compares to meeting someone in real life? P: I feel like there’s a rhythm, and it’s very formulaic. So if you just have a line, and you know how they work, and you know what to say to people, and you don’t mind saying the same thing over and over, and getting a certain response from somebody, then that works. It never worked in my—I’ve hooked up with people from it, but it’s never been me meeting somebody and having a budding relationship. It’s kinda odd. I don’t know; it’s kinda weird. Gay people ruined dating. That’s what happened. Grindr happened and then everyone else got one. I get it, and I don’t want to be staunch, but I don’t get why heterosexual people need apps to meet each other. Spaces were made for majority straight people. When I got Grindr in 2009, I was, like, “Whoa, this is crazy. It’s like LoJack for gay people.” M: What’s LoJack? P: It’s what they put in dogs or animals; it’s a tracking device. M: Wait, you had it in 2009? Grindr existed? P: Yeah, that’s when it first came out. M: Oh my god, I first downloaded Grindr in 2015. P: Yeah, I was gay-ing around. Not really gay-ing around. I was just, like, “This is crazy.” So you felt weird about Grindr? P: At first, I thought it was a cool idea, when I first had it. I didn’t have a formative gay experience; I just knew I was gay and that was that. There was no community in Florida, where I lived in, and I didn’t have any gay friends or know anybody that was gay. M: It’s sort’ve a double-edged sword. We saw this film on Monday… P: Naz & Maalik. M: And there a Q&A after. The guy was, like, “Yeah, y’know, it’s so interesting that these people met in person. It’s refreshing, because the market today…” And then the [speaker] said, “Yeah, it’s interesting that you used the word ‘market’…” I saw a similar phrase recently, where someone was talking about “efficiencies” in dating. M: Yeah! That just means you’re admitting that it’s really transactional. You get something, and I get something. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with using an app to meet people. At the end of the day, you meet a person. It’s not like you’re dating a computer. You’re not trying to fuck Siri. You’re still meeting up with a person, but it can be really transactional, and vapid. At the beginning of us dating, there were points where we butted heads, or disagreed on certain things. I think if we had just met on an app, and I was superficially judging like I would on any other dating app, for some reason, on the app, the transactional mindset would happen, and I’d be, like, “Oh, he said this one thing that was a little off, or I didn’t agree with. I’m over it. Onto the next one.” P: It’s nice when you meet somebody and you’re not talking.


“It’s nice when you meet somebody and you’re not talking.”


josh & terron

“And I noticed again, wherever I would move, he would pivot to continue to make eye contact with me. So I was, like, ‘Okay, this is, like, a thing.’ ”


Where did you two meet? Josh: We met at Gym Bar. Where is this place? J: Chelsea. Have you never been there? I haven’t! Why is it called Gym Bar? J: Because there’s sports always on the TV. The basement is called The Locker Room. All the gay sports teams go there for happy hours, too—the volleyball league, and gay football. Is that why you two were there? J: I was there to go to a Marina and the Diamonds concert, so I was just getting a drink beforehand. [Turns to Terron] And you were there looking for boys, I guess. Terron: I was there waiting for a friend, so we could look for boys together, to be clear. So when was this? T: June of 20… J: 15? T: Yeah, it had to be June of 2015. Was this a place you guys had gone to before? J: Yeah, I used to live on 18th and 8th, so it was right where I lived. I used to go there all the time. And [on this night] my best friend was in town, so we went to a place we used to always go to. T: I would go there to watch football on occasion, and I did do a flag football league awhile ago. While it was in-season, [Gym Bar] was the spot to watch football on Sunday, so I used to go there a lot for that. And, yeah, they had attractive older men, so I was there a lot. [Laughs Josh, you were there for a concert, and, Terron, you were there with a friend. Can you sketch out the night a bit more? T: I was waiting at the bar for my friend, and I was by myself. I wanna say you were with three or four other people. And it was just one of those things where I was sitting alone, and I was on one side of the bar, and he was on the other side of the L-shaped bar. We were making eyes at each other and it was one of those instances where it was so clear, and it’s very rare that happens. It happens every once in awhile, but no one ever does anything. This was a rare moment where it was happening for so long, because my friend was taking forever, so I was there for awhile. I would say at least 10 to 15 minutes, maybe even more, of me sitting there, pretending to text people, waiting for my friend to show up and noticing him from across the bar, but not saying anything. But then I remember, I was sitting at the bar, and my friend comes in, and I get up from the bar, and we get up and start to socialize. And I noticed again, wherever I would move, he would pivot to continue to make eye contact with me. So I was, like, “Okay, this is, like, a thing.” So then I guess it was time for him to get in the cab and go to the concert. Like he said, Gym Bar is two levels and we were downstairs, so I saw him and his friends go leave and I got really internal. My friend was talking and I wasn’t even listening to him. I was very internal. I started getting upset with myself, like, “That was so obvious. You never go and approach the guy. This was very clear. You’re single. What are doing?” Whatever my friend said, I was, like, “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” I run upstairs and out of the bar. They’re waiting for their cab; it was pulling up. I approached him and introduced myself and then I got his phone number that night.


I remember being really proud of myself. So proud of myself that I got another guy’s phone number that night. So I was two for two that night, which was a really good time for me. But the second guy didn’t want to hang out with me, so there’s that. J: [Swings arm] Yay for me! All of that is accurate until when I was leaving. I’m clearly a very shy person so I never had any intention of approaching him or anything, and I was with my friends, and one of them was from out of town. We’re outside and Terron came out and was, like, “Hey, I wanna talk to you,” or whatever. I assumed he was talking to one of my friends, so I just backed up, and said, “I’ll let you two talk.” But then you said you wanted to talk to me, and at some point you said how old you were and I was like, “Oh, shit, he’ll never actually talk to me after this.” Because I’m eight years older than him. But then a week later we went on a date. Then I went to Atlanta and you went to Provincetown, so things were kind of messy at first, but it worked out. So, Josh, you went to the concert right after. How did you feel during that? Were you thinking about the interaction with Terron? J: I was excited that this attractive guy hit on me, but it was June in New York City. I met a random guy at a bar who I talked to for two seconds. So I didn’t really think anything would come of it. And I was with my friends at a concert, so I was more focused on that. But then we Facebook friended each other and stuff, too, and you realized I wasn’t fat or something, so.


T: [Laughs.] No. It was just really funny because I remember getting his number. Again, I wasn’t really thinking anything of it because I was in a space where I was single, but I was also living with my ex at the time. So I was just getting out of this thing with my ex. And there was this guy who I was into and then it fell apart. So I wasn’t really trying to jump into anything. Like I said, I got another guy’s number that night. I was moreso happy that I was putting myself out there in a general sense, more than I was, like, “Oh, this is the one; this is the guy,” or whatever. I remember that Monday or that Tuesday, getting a Facebook friend request, and being, like, “Who is this?” Because I looked through [Josh’s] profile, and it was all these topless pictures and all these thotty shots. I was, like, “Who is this guy? Who is this?” It took me a good five minutes, and I was Slacking my coworker, “I think this is the guy whose number I got…?” And then I was, like, “Oh my god, now I really wanna hang out with him!” But I say that to say, there was something about him that was magnetic, and I feel that all too often, we’re, like, “Oh, I need to see all your Instagram pics to see how hot you are or aren’t.” It was nice to meet someone and to have an attraction, and then after be, like, “Oh, I guess he’s hot!” [Laughs.] I said that all wrong. On that note, do either of you have any opinions or experiences with dating apps, and how they compare to meeting in real life like this? J: I guess, because I’m older, there was Connection.com. That was more for dating but it always spiraled into one-night stands, so I had very little faith in Manhunt and Grindr, Scruff. If I engaged in those, there wasn’t any dating that was going to happen. And since I’m an old prude from Appalachia, I never really wanted one-night stands. So for me it was more validation. “Oh, people are messaging me, and telling me I’m attractive.” And that was enough for me to “get off.” So that’s what apps were for me. It was definitely not something to find dates. I was usually dating through meeting people through friends and parties and whatnot. T: For me, online dating started with OKCupid, Match, whatever. I was never good at Match, but on OKCupid I had pretty good luck getting dates. In a digital sense, when dating was still online, it felt more fruitful. Because it wasn’t like you were just looking at someone’s pictures. People filled out full explanations of who they are. OKCupid had these questions they asked to find out how compatible you were. Not to say that people didn’t use OKCupid for hookups but I feel like it was very easy for me to, when I put myself out there to meet people on OKCupid, say, “I’m looking for dating, I’m looking for a relationship.” When it migrated to mobile—Grindr and all those things, you know what it’s for, and it is what it is—but all those times I had Tinder, I never found a match. Everything was super visual. I was never getting a feel for the people in the same way I was on other websites. I never matched, I never went on a date through Tinder. Something about that version of digital dating wasn’t for me, but I was very good at OKCupid. My ex, we dated for two and a half years, and we met on OKCupid. By the way, what was the atmosphere like at Gym Bar? T: Darky-yellow? I don’t know if that makes any sense. It’s kind of pubby downstairs; pubby, divey. It wasn’t too packed; if I remember correctly, it was around 6:30. It was early in the night. I’m even more impressed that you took that sort of chance at 6:30 at night.


T: Because I wasn’t drunk! I had maybe one drink before my friend got there. I didn’t have a bunch of liquid courage. I just wanted to take a chance. I don’t know what—it definitely wasn’t the atmosphere of Gym Bar. What was the first thing you said to him? T: I don’t remember, but the one thing I do remember is having to clarify who I was there for. Like, I’m not sure if you backed up or pushed away. But I remember being like, “Oh no, actually, I wanted to talk to you.” Even though there was all this eye contact?! J: Well, he could’ve been looking at Devon! We were right next to each other!


“It’s that gamble you take of, ‘Hey, he’s cute. Let’s see what he’s about.’ ”

SEAN & CHRIS


Where did you guys meet? Sean: At Metropolitan, at the pool table. When was this? S: The night of November 5th to the 6th, 2011. How long had you two been living in New York before you met? Sean: Since ’96. So, I guess, at that point, 15 years. Chris: I had been here four months. [Laughs.] No, wait, three months. Had you two been to Metropolitan a lot before? S: Yeah, I used to live a 5-minute walk away. That ended two years later. C: I lived in Woodside at the time. I used to go there a lot, but I didn’t go there every weekend or anything. What’s the atmosphere of that place like? Was it crowded? Quiet? C: It was really crowded. It’s always really crowded. S: As far as it goes, I think, it wasn’t the most crowded. There are some weekend nights when it’s packed and you can’t move anywhere. It wasn’t like that, but there were lots of people there. This was also during Daylight Savings hour, as it turned, so between 2 and 3 a.m.— C: Yeah, it was literally during the extra hour. So you guys met when it switched? S: We met during that hour. Wow, that’s like a portal in time. C: Yeah, but the bar is the quintessential gay bar. There’s a pool table. There’s not a lot going on inside. The bathrooms are really gross. And they have a really nice backyard. Dim. S: Red lights. Some dim, white lights. I think they had a fire going on that night. Why were you hanging out that pool table? S: I saw him at the pool table, so I went to the pool table. What made you want to approach him? S: I noticed him outside. I was there with one friend; he was there with one friend. We got there at a time that it wasn’t all that crowded. Or, at least, outside, because it was cold, it wasn’t all that crowded. My friend smoked, so we went to the backyard. At that moment, Chris and his friend were coming towards us, and Chris and I made eye contact, and said hi, even though we’d never met You don’t get that a lot in New York. S: You don’t, yeah. Then, later on inside, we were sitting at the bar, and I was thinking, “I wonder if that guy is still here. He was cute.” So I looked around, and there he was.


Earlier that night, my friend and I were at Barcade around the corner. We used to meet there every week. We were talking about dating and I’d been in a friends with benefits situation with a guy for awhile, but that wasn’t…It was what it was. It wasn’t anything that was gonna go anywhere. I was at a point where I was frustrated and not going anywhere with that part of my life. My friend goes, “Y’know, at least go talk to someone else. Go meet people again. Turns out, I’m going to go to Metropolitan after this, so if you wanna come along…” We often went to Metropolitan but I hadn’t been for a few weeks, or maybe even a couple months at that point. I had gone through a phase of being more withdrawn. We went, and I guess with that extra incentive to actually approach people again. My friend, after awhile, said, “Soooo, do you see anyone here you like??” And I noticed Chris at the pool table, and I said, “Yeah, actually, that guy at the pool table.” And he says, “Go talk to him. I’m serious! You see me all the time. Go talk to him.” So, with that. Chris, what you made you reciprocate his advance? C: Well, I was there with a friend that I had hooked up with before. I was working at a retail place at the time. Eastern Market Sports, this camping place in Soho that actually isn’t there anymore. We met up; we met up with one of his friends for dinner; and we walked from Soho to Hell’s Kitchen to go to another bar, which was a crazy-long walk. Then his friend peeled off and we just had to go to Metropolitan. So it had already been a long day. Then—I think I was pretty drunk—I don’t really remember seeing Sean the first time. But I remember my friend was, like, “Let’s play pool.” And I’m not good at pool. So I was standing by the pool table with the pool cue, but I wasn’t actually playing. I was just hanging out.


Just posing. C: Yeah, more or less! So, when Sean came up, I thought that he was waiting to play pool, and I thought that I was in his way. So I was, like, “Sorry, are you trying to play pool?” And he was, like, “No, I just came to talk you.” So that was refreshing, that I wasn’t about to get yelled at. [Laughs.] S: I am, y’know, very intimidating. [Laughs.] C: But then we did sign up to play pool, and we played against these two people that were very good at pool. Sean is also not that good at pool so… You were able to commiserate. C: Yeah, we got our asses handed to us. I guess it didn’t really matter. It feels more rare to hear about people meeting up in these nightlife situations. Do you guys have any experiences from dating apps, and any perspective on how that may compare to how you met in person? S: I have almost no experience with dating apps. Very limited. I get the appeal. They weren’t around at that point yet. C: They were! S: Really? C: Grindr was. S: I don’t remember, at least, being aware of that. My entire experience has been in-person. Encounters and approaches like that. I like that because you instantly have a dynamic with each other. Whether it works or not, you see the full picture and you’re not basing it on just a photo or two. Maybe you connect, maybe it’s awkward. Either way, the guessing game of how you actually interact is taken out right away, because you either connect or you don’t. It makes me kind of sad that it’s a rare thing to hear about, I guess. It’s the way people met up until very few years ago. Which doesn’t mean it’s bad or that it can’t happen the other way; I don’t have that opinion about it. It is really nice to have a story like this, though. “I went to the bar that night, and this is the story that got me there. You went to the bar that night, and this is the story that got you there.” And it happened to be the Daylight Savings hour, so we got that extra hour. It’s that gamble you take of, “Hey, he’s cute. Let’s see what he’s about.” C: For me, a lot of my friends have done online dating. In the past seven years, it’s gone from, “Sometimes you met people on—” I don’t think Tinder was out then, so it wasn’t anything like that. Gay people were using it, and straight people were meeting on OKCupid, maybe? But there wasn’t an app version of it yet. Just to see that, the way that dating landscape has changed over the last seven years is really intense. In my later twenties, a lot of my friends are really frustrated by the experience of meeting people through these apps. How much of a game it seems like, swiping, all that stuff. People do meet on them, and have success stories. It just seems like it’s an extra job to be constantly up, keeping a profile.


him g er

ab ig bia

le s

he said

nm e

n th a

the pla c

then valentine’s day came. from the bear... saying the chocolates ...were from the bear...R OMANCE!

there were chocolates too

e

or girlfr iend

E BOTH

fun sleepover!

my boy

s ye o pretty ah! cool!

the boy who probably wasn’t

there was NO KISSING

all

s ti c ks

ta ny

ea

boyfrien d

lked

ur

e me

ella

wi did no t

the wor d

t the

z ar

sho

“YOU GUY S! I D ON ’T KN

ad a boy friend

spen

!!!

moz

rec o rd

my ce us

wasn’t s ure if i h

ta we

you ow

is

ike if

but m

ng th

t he

bubble tea

readi

to

e let

dump me

his ex gf

E

er ov

W

’t sn wa

he

NOW!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!

ile

AY

!!!!!!

A week

h sw tick to la s ded rel e zza roce p mo

! !!!

mozzarella

G

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with mo zz arella sticks fo r himself i was no t offered

he

om

later

ro

i always thought he had nice eyebrows

“let’s all

he bought a bear from

s

k

ay os

is t

oh yeah, all of this

a shitty pic of myself

nig ht.

er togeth online out ” his kt or w

c

ti

s

’R

outerspace on

friend

y iss t m s? ou pie ab up ht nd p nig tt a

like ” W! O

photoshopped a cat and o elli

im

!!!

profile picture was cool. i had

on my tumblr

m

id ever sa . no one unclear

m y

dI ? nd? frie ike y o l b as our e y nd i w is h a

ca

ay an

about h

he

ine’s d

everyone was

lov relat e 2 cr ion ow s h ip sou sta r t

valent

i wrote

.

it was did I?

he thought my another time, we drank too much tequila

then there was kissing.

I threw up on my shoes he helped clean it.

romance!

and a note!

whic h makes

a poem by Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya


nocupid i’d rather be alone thanks

uck off, algorithm!

DTF


R o t s y a W e e r Th

e t f a k r a p S e th

” s a x to Se


e l d n i k e R

d e r r e f e R u o y er

� g n i k n a l P t l u �Ad art.com

from the editors of Bl


It happens to the best of us:

you’re in the throes of wild, passionate butt touching, when you lean into the ear of your bedfellow and whisper, “Looks like this F Train to 69th is running express.” And before you can even suggest making a couple of local stops, much less launch into a lubricating discussion about the perpetual underfunding of public transportation — fart noise! Lightning strikes, a massive sinkhole forms in the center of your bed, and their genitals combust into a sinewy display of flesh fireworks. Uh oh, you’ve killed the mood — uh-gain. But don’t fret! Sure, your sexual vernacular could evaporate an ocean of lube, but with a little practice, you’ll bring the spark back faster than your lover can say, “I’m actively considering a lifelong vow of celibacy.” So next time your dirty talk veers toward the ugly side of the bumpin’ uglies continuum, try these three tips to pivot back to that CrazySexyGoodGood.

1. Remind them how many cool shapes you can make with your corporeal form. Did your musings on the similarities between human intercourse and the mechanics of Bop-It dampen the fun, instead of your paramour’s pants? Deep breaths, Limpest Biscuit — it’s not too late to use the subsequent naked silence to remind them of your equilateral talents. Nothing says “I recognize my language choices contribute to our psychosexual context” quite like sputtering out a “Whoopsie!” while slanting your body into an approximate rhombus.

2. Consider referring to your body as something other than “corporeal form.” No one’s making you refer to your physical self as a “limb pile.” Or “a 2-star p imple motel.” And don’t even get me started on your apparent aspirations to be a “goofy-footed fuckstar.” To reiterate: Your bed is not a “pop-up mating cave.” Your taxonomic rank is not “Homo flaccidus.” Your pubic hair — well, maybe it does resemble “amber waves of groin,” but you don’t have to go blabbing about it, at least not yet. Save something for Date Three!


3. Embark on a 45 minute monologue on Missy Elliott’s discography and its explicit endorsement of a reality where sexuality and humor necessarily coexist. “Go downtown and eat it like a vulture”? Ummmm...! “Sex me so good I say blah-blahblah”? Like...! And hello…! When’s the last time you read the annotated lyrics for “One Minute Man”? Look, I’m not suggesting that your Shakesperian bone talk (“Straddleford-Upon-Avag?” Seriously?) holds a fleshlight to Miss E... So Addictive. But can we at least agree that the oeuvre of Missy Elliott — four-time Grammy winner, bonafide lyrical genius, and commander-in-chief of Kangol hats — compels one to at least acknowledge the cosmic joke of consensual genital proximity?

It’s Misdemeanor’s planet goddammit, and if the dweeb can’t get with it, ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gniht ruoy tup.


FOR THE WEEK ENDING JULY 15, 2018

mikeboard

SINGLES

HOT 69 ÂŽ

™

y

compiled b

TITLE

ARTIST

SHOULD YOU PUT THIS SONG ON RIGHT NOW?

HOW WEED IS THIS SONG?

1 42 GOSSIP FOLKS

MISSY ELLIOT

DABS (IF YOU COULD HANDLE IT)

2

UM YES

7 SOME THINGS NEVER SEEM TO FUCKING WORK

3 22 HOLIDAY 4

1 U.R.A.Q.T.

5

9 MASTER OF NONE

DEF IF IN A CONVERTIBLE

MIA

WHAT SATIVA FEELS LIKE FOR PPL W/ ANXIETY

DEF IF ON A SEGWAY TOUR

BEACH HOUSE

IN-DA-COUCH

COUCH YES

THE YEARS 0 ALL FOUND THE LOST EDIBLE

9

2 BILLS, BILLS, BILLS

BEACH HOUSE

COUCH YES

DESTINY’S CHILD

VERY LOUDLY ON THE J TRAUN

THE CRANBERRIES

HIGH SCHOOL HOT BOX

YES!!!

11 16 THE BODY IS A BLADE

JAPANESE BREAKFAST

A SAD YET EROTIC CBD MOMENT

VERY QUIETLY ON THE J TRAIN

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

kendall says: mike sang this with my band at a grunge cover party in dc while someone danced in the lawn with LED wings

BONUS POINTS IF U HAVEN’T SHOWERED IN 5+ DAYS

GIRL 13 69 NAUGHTY WHEN THE WAITER AT VESELKA ASKS IF U JUST “HIT A BLUNT� WITHIN REACH 15 11 DESIGN GNAWIN RAW WEED

t

COUCH YES

10 3 ZOMBIE

14 9 HALO WHEN U TELL THE WAITER YES AND LEAVE A 22% TIP

egrand is

BEACH HOUSE

PUFF PUFF PUFF PUFF PUFF PUFF PUFF PUFF COUGH COUGH PASS

CONMIGO (SOLAMENTE TU) 12 18 VEN SOPHOMORE YEAR DIRTY BONG

COUCH YES

L ria

ystal bal le

8

BEACH HOUSE

đ&#x;”Žđ&#x;”Žđ&#x;”Žđ&#x;”Ž cr he

6 LEVITATION LEGALIZATION W/O JUSTICE REFORM PERPETUATES HUMAN EXPLOITATION OK CONTINUE

PEOPLE 7 69 OTHER K-HOLE BUT IT’S JUST WEED

kendall says: this is a song about student loans

SHE READY

MADONNA

WHAT SATIVA FEELS LIKE FOR PPL W/O ANXIETY

6

SOLANGE

RUNNING INTO THE HORIZON WITH A STRANGER’S JOINT AND NEVER LOOKING BACK

Vict o

EW LAST WEEK

A 4-hour, 20-minute odyssey across an ocean of 69 songs — as eclectic, electric, and Rihanna-centric as Mikey Likey.

ji mo

THIS WEEK

ÂŽ

BEYONCE

IF YOU ARE EATING A PIEROGIE

BEYONCE

IF YOU ARE ORDERING ANOTHER PIEROGIE

PRIESTS

IF YOU WANT TO THROW YOUR PIEROGIES AT A WALL!!

kendall says: one time mike and i auditioned for the lead role in a musical and he sang “halo� in his audition. he got the part.


THIS WEEK

EW LAST WEEK

TITLE

16

1/2

IF

HOW WEED IS THIS SONG?

ARTIST

SHOULD YOU PUT THIS SONG ON RIGHT NOW?

JANET JACKSON

PERMAHIGH

YES, JUSTICE FOR JANET!

17 1 CONSIDERATION

RIHANNA

18 1 JAMES JOINT

RIHANNA

19 1 KISS IT BETTER

RIHANNA

20 1 WORK

RIHANNA

21 1 DESPERADO TELLING UR BOSS “IT’S JUST A BIG JUUL”

RIHANNA

22 1 WOO W-”OO”+”EE”+”D”

RIHANNA

WTF IS SHATTER?

YES

^^WHOOPS WE FOUND OUT

blart says: if rihanna and mike smoked weed together, i’d bet they’d talk about buildings

YES

KISS IT KISS IT WEEDWEED WEEDWEED

YES

ASH HITS ON THE DANCE FLOOR

ME 23 1 NEEDED HOT BOXING THE CONEY ISLAND FERRIS WHEEL (AGAIN)

YES YES

NO

RIHANNA

JK YES BEFORE AND YES NOW!!

24 1 YEAH, I SAID IT

RIHANNA

FRESH ICE IN THE BONG

YESSY YES YES

25 1 SAME OL’ MISTAKES

RIHANNA

26 1 NEVER ENDING

RIHANNA

AM I ACTUALLY HIGH OR IS THIS JUST WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE ME

YESSSSSSS

SHATTER AGAIN?

27

ads ehe

RIHANNA UM YES!!!

28 1 HIGHER GOOGLING “HOW TO TURN A POPE HAT INTO A BONG”; GOOGLING “WHAT’S A POPE HAT CALLED”

RIHANNA

TO YOU 29 1 CLOSE ENABLING UR FRIENDS SO THEY CAN ENABLE U LATER

RIHANNA

JESUS YES

50/50 JK 420/420

RIHANNA OK YES

31 1 POSE

RIHANNA

32 1 SEX WITH ME

RIHANNA

SMOKE *THIS*

c gra

YAAAAAAAAS

ON THE BRAIN 1 LOVE WEED ON THE BRIAN

GOTHAM 30 1 GOODNIGHT WON’T-BE-ABLE-TO-TALK-AT-WORK-ON-MONDAY HIGH

WEED LUBE

33 33 STRENGTH OF STRINGS

ALSO WEED LUBE, INTERESTINGLY

UP TO THE BUMPER 34 20 PULL GATEWAY DRUG

35 6 ALWAYS BE MY BABY WEED BELONG TOGETHER

blart says: pedro and rihanna would talk about farting in yoga class

YA

SURE

GENE CLARK

I THINK SO

GRACE JONES

AT THE PARK; DADS GET INTO IT SURPRISINGLY

MARIAH CAREY

LIKE...

kendall says: if you ever do karaoke with mike, you must DEMAND he sing this. you will not regret it. blart says: someday i’d like to do “picture” at karaoke with kendall (him as sheryl crow, me as kid rock badwitaba)


EW LAST WEEK

THIS WEEK

blart says: i like to believe all people can be boiled down to one of the four versions of alanis in the “ironic” music video. i’m backseat alanis who keeps getting crumbs on her yellow sweater.

TITLE

ARTIST

SHOULD YOU PUT THIS SONG ON RIGHT NOW?

HOW WEED IS THIS SONG?

36 50 ALISON

SLOWDIVE

PERMAHIGH

IF SAD IN UR OVERALLS

37 27 TAKE A CHANCE OF ME

ABBA

MOM OFFERS YOU A HIT ON THANKSGIVING

38

??????!!!!

HAND IN MY POCKET

ALANIS MORISSETTE

GOOGLING “HOW TO TURN A HARMONICA INTO A BONG”

YES OR WE’RE NOT FRIENDS

39 19 SUMMERTIME CLOTHES

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE

DID-I-PEAK-IN-HIGH-SCHOOL HIGH

IT’S A HARD MAYBE!

40 20 REVERIE

ARCA

ASSLESS CHAPS HIGH (U DECIDE)

kendall says: i can no longer listen to the bird calls on this song without imagining mike impersonating them in his pajamas while making pancakes in our old apartment blart says: i can no longer think of 670 Bushwick without imagining that majestic turret and the permasoggy hand towel in the bathroom

41

420

YAAASS(LESS CHAPS)

THE GATE

42 41 VIENNA SHREK HIGH

YA B!!!!!!

BILLY JOEL

YES IF YOU’RE EATING LASAGNA

BAG 43 42 MONEY PRETENDING TO TAKE A HIT WHEN UR TOO HIGH AND ACCIDENTALLY TAKING A HIT

44 … RUN AWAY WITH ME

CRYSTAL CASTLES

WEED STUCK IN YOUR RETAINER

WHAT IF FIREWORKS WERE JUST CRYSTAL CASTLES

46 25 EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS

DAVID BYRNE & BRIAN ENO

DAD’S AT YOGA; YOU FOUND HIS WEED

BEEP BOOP COMPUTER SAYS YES

CAN’T GET NO) SATISFACTION 47 ?! (IGOOGLING “HOW TO TURN A TI-89 INTO BONG”

STUFF 50 50 HOT BONG HITS AND ROLLER SKATES

53 12 WORK BITCH

YOU WANT A BONGGATI?

54 40 BOYS IT’S LACED BUT W/E 55 4 BUTTONS

NUG STUCK TO UR JUICY TRACK SUIT

MHMMMMMMMMMMM

CARPENTERS

YEAH :(

DONNA SUMMER

SALVATION IF HEAT INDEX > 100

HAVE MY HANDS ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG HIGH COUGHING THROUGH “GET IT, GET IT”

DEVO

BEEP BOOP COMPUTER SAYS MAYBE!

GALAXIE 500

49 47 SUPERSTAR WEED’S NOT HELPING BUT SMOKING ANYWAY

52 9 I’M A SLAVE 4 U

B...

I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION

45 22 BAPTISM

51 3.5 HANDS

CARDI B CARLY RAE JEPSEN

START E•MO•TION ON FRIDAY AT 4:20PM

TREES 48 51 DECOMPOSING STONEY BOLOGNA

kendall says: sophomore year i came into our room and saw mike sitting on the couch with the lights out watching the music video to this song on the tv

BJORK

GOOGLING “HOW TO TURN A FLUTE INTO A BONG”

JEWEL

IF YOU ARE ASKING THE QUESTION THEN YES

BRITNEY SPEARS

BONUS POINTS IF VIA HIT CLIP

BRITNEY SPEARS

PARTICULARLY IF DOING NOTHING

BRITNEY SPEARS

YES , START THE TRACK WHENEVER A MAN AT WORK STARTS TALKING

PUSSYCAT DOLLS

IF/WHEN AT WHITE CASTLE

kendall says: one time “love to love you baby” by donna summer was playing at dinner, and about 2 minutes in, mike, frustrated, says “this ISN’T the 16 minute version.” i wanted to put that song on the playlist but it made the 69/420 ratio impossible. blart says: yep i was there. i ordered the buffalo chk’n sandwich (murder free!)


EW LAST WEEK

THIS WEEK

TITLE

ARTIST

SHOULD YOU PUT THIS SONG ON RIGHT NOW?

HOW WEED IS THIS SONG?

56 0 RUN LIKE HELL

PINK FLOYD

FOUND UR UNCLE’S WEED (IT’S SHAKE)

YES BUT U MUST BE RUNNING IN PLACE

57 26 BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

TALKING HEADS

STATS 250 HIGH

YEAH, LET’S DANCE LIKE WE’RE PARALLELOGRAMS

58 1 I’LL BE YOUR MIRROR

THE VELVET UNDERGROUND & NICO

GOOGLING “HOW TO TURN A DUSTY CANDLEABRA INTO A BONG”

59 9 HALAH

MAZZY STAR

CAN-YOU-SMOKE-DANDELIONS HIGH

ARE YOU WEARING OVERALLS?

60 ! ONLY LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART

NEIL YOUNG

BIGGER-AND-DADDIER HIGH

BIG DADDY YES

AND VISION 61 60 SOUND THE MAN WHO SOLD THE WEED kendall says: this song will always make me think of sunday mornings spent with mike in our house in college blart says: i miss inviting myself over on sunday mornings. and that one semester kendall subscribed to the wall street journal.

DAVID BOWIE

OF LOVE 63 14 HOUNDS BEING SO HIGH YOU THINK YOU’RE A FLAG (YOU’RE UNDULATING)

APPLE BONG HIGH

66 7 LMK

L(ET) M(E) K(USH)

LOVE IS KING 67 7 YOUR 6AM VAPING HAS NEVER LOOKED SO GOOD

68

:) 10 MILE STEREO

WOW THIS KIND OF HIGH AGAIN HUH

69 <3 ALAN WHOA FOUND A VAPE IN THE COUCH

🐶🐶🐶🐶

WOOF WOOF (DOG FOR YES)

62 6 HELICOPTER BIG STONED AND EMAILING UR PROFESSOR FOR AN EXTENSION 64 13 ABOUT TO DIE MAKING-QUESTIONABLE-CHOICES-AT-BONNAROO-2012 HIGH 🐶🐶🐶🐶 IF I HAD A DOG 65

HA HA DON’T EVEN!!

DEERHUNTER

YES YOU’RE SITTING INSIDE A LAVA LAMP

KATE BUSH

GO TO SPANDEX WORLD AND LISTEN

DIRTY PROJECTORS

YES IF UR IN THE LEG FOREST (INSIDE JOKE :-O)

FRANKIE COSMOS

YES ON THE TWO DAYS EACH YEAR U LIKE ICED TEA

KELALA

LET’S GET DIRTY, NERDS

SADE

lady

UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO SAY NO

bush

BEACH HOUSE

COUCH YES

🐶🐶🐶🐶

PERFUME GENIUS

COUCH MAYBE

🐶🐶🐶🐶


H G I H E MIK class of 2018

suPERLEStives She’s class president, she’s treasurer, she’s yearbook editor and she’s DEFINITELY in the dram a club. But that barely scratches th e surface! 1MOI,MKL¸WGPEWWSJĀþÿĆWL EVIW their nominations for this year’s senior superlestives.

o t y l e k i l t s mo a h t i w e v o l fall in building

arolan

: Anna C y b d te a in m o N

YS: A S NA

AN

“Specifically New York by Gehry at 8 Spruce Street”


TOP BOP

most likely t o notice intimate deta ils

Nominated by

: Sundai Johnso

n

most likely to b um you a cig becaus e he heard about you r ami percentage

dan r o J : y b ted Nomina

Alper

Nominated by

: Abby Beatty

100% most gregarious apur

most likely to be loved by friends’ moms Nominated by: Zoe Stahl

Nominated by: Anders K

MOST LIKE LY TO KNOW WH AT’S UP Nominated by: J ordan Evan

gelista

most lik ely to o wn the helm ut lang shirt th at i wan t

Nominate d by: Sameer B hagavatu la

MOST lowney

Nominated by: Fiona C

YS: A S AN D R JO “I know it’s vague but it’s true! Mike is a super maven on culture, music, art, design, etc etc”


3 A groovy way to describe an amazing babe 1

2

3

7

4 8

6

9

11

13

15

18

19

22

5 What Jeff Goldblum was trying to do in The Fly

10

12 14

17

5

4 A fun alternative name for feminazis

16 20

23

21 24

25

26 27

8 Much obliged, in sms speak 9 Certain jokes can make you sound like __

10 Moola in CDMX

11 P!nk’s best album ever is “__sundaztood” 18 Tiny’s hubby

19 If you’re in the mood to chew, order your stir fry __

30 31

7 Queen Liz __

13 Chihuahua utterance

28 29

6 A tool know-it-alls refuse to use

21 Asshole animal from classic ads

32

23 Capital of Malaysia, abbr.

Unnamed Across 1 Common connector

4 The devil’s vowel-less dj name 7 __ that innocent

9 This administration is __ of flaming garbage

11 Pick-up artists will add this greeting to a tip of the fedora for good measure 12 Soho Scammer Anna 14 ___ glance

15 British Nigerian songstress/ goddess __ Adu 16 Oaxacan OK

17 Textured plaster

20 Kanye lyric “Scoop __” 22 Cogito

edited by Tara McCauley 24 It’s often a red flag when Bravolebrities renew these 25 BTS and 2NE1 homebase 26 A way to meet people outside the interweb 27 A lemon; a flop

28 Stacked Claes Oldenburg sculpture at the Whitney

29 I’m __ excited (Pointer Sisters / Elizabeth Berkley on caffeine pills) 30 Song by 15 across “__ it a Crime” 31 Oui ou __

Down 1 Often seen in Ikea style names

2 My face is beat and my wig is __

28 British trash can 32 Copacetic


Can you find the Keith Kimberlin dogs? Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve hidden them all throughout Mike Magazine!


S

W S ER

R C

R O D W AN S S O


ok, bye


Spring/Summer 2018  

The Spring/Summer 2018 issue of Mike Magazine

Spring/Summer 2018  

The Spring/Summer 2018 issue of Mike Magazine

Advertisement