April 1, 2011 | The Miami Student

Page 1

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VOLUME who really cares... NO. does anyone read this part??

All the news not fit to print

April 1, 2011

NOT OHIO UNIVERSITY NOT ATHENS, OHIO (thank goodness...)

Blast walls keep students off grass By Mealy Auks

For the Miami Student

Barriers made of steel-reinforced concrete that once protected Baghdad neighborhoods from insurgents will now protect Miami University grass from students. As violence decreases in Baghdad, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki ordered all barriers removed. Until recently, the Iraqi government planned to scrap the 12-foot-high barriers. Miami has announced it will be the proud recipient of some of these barriers. Miami administrator Alfonso Hibachi said the barriers will finally solve the problem of students walking across grass. “We’ve tried putting in more sidewalks, we’ve tried using chains, nothing seems to work,” Hibachi said. “This gift from the Iraqi government will finally solve our problems.” Administrators say the barriers will protect the grass and are environmentally friendly to boot. “And it’s recycling, right? Sustainable? You guys like it when we use the word ‘sustainability,’ right?” Hibachi said. According to Hibachi, the warweary barriers will be deployed first in the shadow of Warfield Hall to protect the particularly

vulnerable grass in Central quad. The department of German, Russian and East Asian Languages has announced it will seize on the opportunity to teach its students colloquial Arabic. “The Iraqi government offered to sandblast all the graffiti from these barriers, but where they saw an eyesore we saw an opportunity,” Arabic instructor Hans von Shaudenfreude said. According to von Shaudenfreude, Arabic classes will soon be making field-trips to the barriers – walking on the sidewalk, of course – to translate and catalog the spray-painted messages. Junior Goodspeed Greenfoot said he will not be able to get to class on time once the barriers are erected. “I can duck under chains or leap over picket fences, but these things are just too big,” Greenfoot said. “Now I’ll have to use the sidewalks to get to class.” As he said this, Greenfoot glanced at a sidewalk grate. “Hey, do you think any of these tunnels go under the grass?” Hibachi said the barriers will soon be deployed around all grass surfaces on campus, to make it clear to students that cutting across grass is totally unacceptable behavior. To avoid any confusion with the policy, some changes

Police Beat off Ugg goes under, Miami females riot, take hostages At approximately 8 a.m. Tuesday morning a tragedy was displayed on televisions and radios: it was announced that Ugg boots would no longer be sold. As the news spread on and off campus, Miami University’s female students took to the streets in anger and shock. According to police reports, one group of girls attempted to take hostages at Walkers shoe store uptown, seeking the last few pairs of Ugg boots. After threatening the workers with sharpened sorority paddles, the group was eventually taken into custody after a trained FBI hostage negotiator arrived at the scene by helicopter and assured the group “they would look just fine in Sperrys.”

Student steals PC, gives it back At around 10 a.m. Wednesday, a student walked into IT Services and ran out with a PC. The student was described as wearing a J. Crew Oxford button up shirt with khaki Chino pants and Sperrys. An officer on the scene commented that “the student would be easy to find because no one on Miami’s campus dresses that way.” IT Services employees reported the theft to campus police who began an investigation immediately. Approximately an hour later, the student returned to IT Services with the PC. The student told officers on the scene he returned the PC because “it was a PC.”

Drunken Swoop impersonator steals Zamboni, attempts to clean Oxford streets A low speed chase involving several cruisers, a Segue and a Zamboni ended safely Thursday evening on High Street after a man wearing a homemade Swoop outfit managed to slip past Goggin Ice Center security and steal one of the Zambonis. The would-be avian mascot then reportedly attempted to drive the Zamboni uptown. Miami University police initially tried to pull the man over, but he reportedly took no notice of police sirens or attempts to shoot out the Zamboni’s tires. The chase was brought to a safe conclusion after an Oxford police officer on one of the department’s Segues managed to pull up alongside the Zamboni and wrestle the self-styled Swoop from the helm. The man was arrested and charged with grand theft, public endangerment and operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol. At the time of his arrest, he told officers he was “just trying to clean up the streets.”

Students cited for disorderly conduct After a power failure at their house Friday night, a group of five males – seemingly unaware the outage was confined to their house – headed to President Hodge’s house angrily chanting, “No power, no class!” When officers arrived at the scene and explained to the males that Oxford did, indeed have power, they reportedly seemed crestfallen. One of the males told officers, he “just wanted to relive” the 2008 blackout protest. The males then offered to sell the officers T-shirts commemorating the 2008 event.

April Fool! Perhaps a bit of explanation is in order for the unusual content of part of today’s paper. This is our April Fool’s issue and our contribution to the revelry induced by spring. For many years an issue such as this one has been a part of Miami tradition. Only page one is devoted to April Foolery, while all other pages contain the usual news. Our intentions here are not meant to be snide or sarcastic, but purely humorous and mere fantasy. We hope the student body will receive it with the same spirit with which it was written.

BELLIGERENCE SOUTH The Miami Student

Blast barriers from Iraq like the one pictured above will serve as lawn protectors. The idea behind the barriers is to keep students from walking across all the grass on Miami University’s campus. will be made to Cook Field. “While we discouraging walking on grass, playing with a Frisbee – especially in the presence of a tour group – is highly encouraged,” Hibachi said. “But Cook Field is currently grass and we can’t risk having people also cut across it. So instead we will pave

it over and then put artificial turf on top of the pavement.” The installation of the barriers and changes to Cook Field are expected to cost $40 million, according to Hibachi. “While we are in a tough financial situation, it is important not to forget the importance of grass

to this university,” Hibachi said. “This investment is totally in line with Miami’s priorities.” Although final plans do not yet exist, there is also a possibility of Air Force ROTC fertilizer-flights to make the grass especially green on the other side of the blast-proof barrier.

Miami Athletics to turn Division III in Fall 2012, cites budget By Chamomile Loons For the Miami Student

Miami University’s storied athletic history in Division I sports will soon be over. In an effort to help keep costs down, the university has announced that starting in the fall of 2012, all athletic teams will move to Division III. “I’m very disappointed with the decision,” said Miami freshman student Ross Simon. “I want to be able to have a connection with my university in the future and Division I athletics is certainly a tangible way to stay connected. All of this due to budget cuts is what’s the most upsetting.” The move to Division III will be a tough one, as Miami will say good-bye to the Mid-American Conference and the Central Collegiate Hockey Association and try to find a new conference to join. The most likely

candidate seems to be the Ohio Strategic Priorities Task Force to Athletic Conference, which cur- help find places where budgets rently holds schools such as Ohio could be cut. While the reports Northern University, Baldwin- didn’t detail division moves Wallace College, Otterbein Uni- as a way to cut finances from athletics, the university has deversity and Capital University. cided that going The questions from Division I of what to do “We’d have the to Division III with Yager Stadium, Millett Hall, nicest facilities in would help deand Goggin Ice Division III though, crease costs and help with the Center will be a that’s for sure.” budget cuts. key issue to ad“I’m guessing dress for the uniANONYMOUS SOURCE alumni will not versity, as well ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT be too pleased as attendance at with the jump,” home contests. said the source in “Attendance the Athletic Department. will probably suffer since we’d “It might save some money be playing lesser opponents,” said a source in the Athletic De- financially and make us more partment. “We’d have the nicest competitive in certain sports, facilities in Division III though, but we will also lose the TV that’s for sure.” and media coverage you get The move to Division III from Division I.” comes amid a budget crisis Athletic schedules for the for the university. Earlier this fall of 2012 will be released at year, the university set up the a later date.

April Fool’s in The Miami Student History In 1955

, The Miami Stewdent reported the infamous “kissing bridge” had been ruled off-limits. It was also reported Harrison Hall had been destroyed by a fire because faculty and students had decided to hand transport water instead of immediately calling the fire department.

In 1966, it was reported that President Shriver had cancelled all finals. In protest, uptown reportedly broke into “pandemonium.”

In 1975

, The Miami Student reported the toppling of the Beta Bells. According to reports, a 34-year-old Albanian exchange student had thrown a book out of his room in Elliot Hall and hit the tower, causing it to topple.

In 1976

, The Miami Student reported President Shriver had ordered the city of Oxford to “move out.” All citizens and stores were asked to leave as part of the eviction.

In 1976

, The Miami Student reported the Miami Redskin football team had eaten a Student as part of an annual rite.

In 1980, The Miami Prudent reported Oxford water had high levels of plutonium in it, causing insanity and addiction.

In 1981, The Miami Crudent reported a “fornication

proposal” had been presented to the board of trustees. The proposal would approve 24-hour fornication in dormitory rooms.

By Herb Brunet For the Miami Student


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April 1, 2011 | The Miami Student by The Miami Student - Issuu