MHS Career April 1 Special Edition

The Career 905 8th Ave. NW, Mandan, ND - Volume 04, Issue 1 - April Fools

THE LEG

Something spooky is happening at MHS. Pages 4-5.

COURIER SECRETS

Find out the deepest, darkest secrets of the Courier staff.

Page 10.

THE HAYBALE HERALD

The rootinest tootinest cowboy in MHS gives fashion advice.

Page 3.

From The Editor...

ALL quotes, statistics, articles, and everything else in this edition of the Courier is entirely fictional and in no way represents the viewpoints or opinions of our staff. April fools!

Table of Contents

Page 3.........................................Time Travelers Stop MHS Fire Page 4...........................................................................Taco Bell Page 5..................................................................The Fake Piehl Page 6.....................................................The Hypewheat Herald Page 7..................................................................Gartner’s Grub Page 8..........................................................................EA Sports Page 9.................................................................It’s in the Game Page 10......................................................................OP=GOAT Pages 11-13.......................................................JUUL is CUUL? Page 15.........................................................MaNdAn iS TrAsH Page 69.............................................................................Niceee Page 17................................................Club Spotlight: Pokemon Page 19.........................................................Salamander Stories Pages 20.......................................................Custodian Spotlight Page 21...............................Marching Band Voted Hardest Sport Page 23........................................................Athletes of the Hour Page 24.....................................................A whole lotta chickens

When someone asks what cohesion is...

Courier Staff and Editorial Policy Owen Piehl................................................Executive Producer Liberty Hurley........................Assistant to the Editor-In-Chief Band Captain Resident Minister Madi Just...................................................................Librarian Courtney Entzi...............................................................Coach Athletic Director

Maggie Knoll...................................................Choreographer

Mom Ryan Phelps...........................................................Token Nerd March Griffin..........................................................Head Chef Anne Kesler..............................................Executive Secretary Dante Daniel...........................................................Water Boy Daniel Cahoon.........................................................Latin Man

The Courier is a cult which has been condemned by multiple foreign nations and is a place for people with nothing better to do to write about whatever they want. We are good journalists but we are also high schoolers and humans so cut us some slack.

I just want to say that if you are actually reading this, you are lame. I know for a fact that you never read this when it was in an actual issue, and are only checking this out because ‘Oh it’s a spoof, I bet they have something funny there,’ and you are absolutely correct.

Check out these names and titles up above this, funny right? Or the table of contents, look at those dumb article names. Oh man, do you have something else coming when you get to the actual articles. Actually, you have the exact same thing when you get to the articles, those are funny too. Dummy, you aren’t even ready.

I hope you like what this edition has to offer, now get to reading my boys and girls. OP out.

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April Fools

Opinion

THe HAYbale Herald MARCH GRIFFIN

All photos edited by Riley Griffin

Head Chef

Howdy partner, welcome back to the Haybale Herald. As you may have seen recently, country is the new genre that gets the speakers bumping. One country singer, Toby Keith, has given us a hail mary, as he has produced a number one single. This hot single, “On a Dirt Road with a Cold Beer in a Red Pickup” goes so hard it blows away the barn doors. You can expect to hear this at all of the upcoming parties and on the radio about every hour. This mix of 808 bass and banjo has been immensely popular ever since the song’s release. It has even been adopted by great rappers such as J. Cole, Kodak Black and the Migos.

Quality western brand Ariat has recently become the number one brand among teens, surpassing Wrangler. They are now being sold in stores such as FootLocker and many other big name retailers. Their most popular Photo sourced from youtube.com boot, the Haybalers, are very common around Keith’s new album holds 16 new songs that feature a great variety of the school and around the Bis/Man area. artists including Drake and Miranda Lambert.

They feature 100 percent Italian leather and mahogany wood. These are so smooth they Believe it or not, Toyota has the diesel for you. This new pickup, put the baby’s bottom to shame. So if you need to go ropin’, go labled the Westerner, comes in with the largest towing capacity, pick up a pair of these bad boys. cab room and it even comes in a dually!! This mean truckin’ machine is rated number one by J.D. Power in every way. Even the color names are pretty sweet, they come in Ranger Red, Buffalo Blue, Bonfire Black and Tractor Tan. So if you have some extra cattle cash, go wrangle one of these up.

Photo sourced from thoughtco.com

Photo sourced from counrtryoutfitter.com

The Wranglers feature a nice absract yellow and rose colored print on the inner liner of the boot.

Opinion

The new Westerner not only comes in a dually, but its grill guard also is made out of high quality titanium created with the help of NASA.

April Fools

03

The End of MHS Guitar Class

Class is to be replaced with Heavy Metal studies High pitch screams piercing the quiet hallways, while deep low The new curriculum includes shredding scales and arpeggios, roars of pain and fury echoing throughout the learning to differentiate active and passive school, and low drumming reverberating like pickups, and a obtaining a proficiency in drop a migraine in the ears of students. However tuning. this is not test Friday in AP Biology, this is “I used to value all the strings equally, but the new music class replacing guitar; History now I know you only need the thickest ones and Practice of Heavy Metal. to play music,” said senior progressive metal “At first the change came as a big shock to fan Lucas Schlosser. me,” said new electronic grindcore fan Jacob Choir is also undergoing some serious Bendish. “I only got on board when we got changes. A new section of the choir will be around to learning melodic blackmetal.” added for those who specialty is a little more The change was in large part brought on by intense. music teacher and deathcore enthusiast Keri “Being an alto singer was fun, but the only Hess-Bolt due to her tireless work lobbying thing that really gives me a rush anymore is the school board. What sealed the deal on the vocal-chord shredding screams and growls,” change was when Hess-Bolt sold the guitars new wave thrash metal fan Karley Cermak. in the choir room and replaced them with Some school officials have expressed KRAKEN eight string guitars. concerned about the damages to students “Now I want to make clear, gentle singing voices in this new curriculum, but none voices and soothing guitars are just dandy,” responded for comment.

Photo by Madi Just said Hess-Bolt.

“But sometimes you just Students for changes were available, but have to activate your false chords and shred to Hess-Bolt poses with one of the unable to speak loud enough to be interviewed. new guitars. really feel the power”.

Mandan Murders Monarchs

School is responsible for decline of up to seven species The Monarch Butterfly has officially been declared extinct, as fact, catch a bug for their collection even with the knowledge that the last living specimen has been caught, labeled and pinned onto it was the last of its kind.

“Well of course I would, that’s an easy decision,” former biology a styrofoam board for Mrs. Fleck’s biology. student Joe Johnson said. “What does The student, who will remain this butterfly do for me if I let it go? anonymous, showed little to no remorse That’s right, nothing. I would take the for the butterfly’s species, and seemed grade boost.” more concerned with their grade.

This is a sentiment shared by many “Well I had heard that they were throughout the school, and is a problem nearing extinction, but Mrs. Fleck told the North Dakota Department of Bugs us we would receive five extra points (NDDB) takes very seriously. as a class if someone could catch one,” “What these students and teachers the unidentified student said. “For me, don’t realize is the damage that they are the decision was easy.” doing to North Dakota by killing these Apart from the Monarch Butterfly, magnificent bugs,” NDDB President Mandan High School’s Science department is currently under Photo by Owen Piehl Baw Xelder said via phone. “I just feel investigation for its role in the Bug collections like these have come under this issue deep in my thora — chest, I feel it deep in my chest.” population decline of up to 7 bug fire recently.

Despite this recent scandal, the species in North Dakota.

MHS Science Department has no plan to shelve bug collection “Well I think these accusations are completely unfounded,” assignments.

Biology teacher and self-proclaimed bug squasher Jurene “I’m not going to stop requiring these collections, no way,” Fleck Levadney said. “I would never hurt a fly, nor would my students.” said.

“If it means ND will be bugless in a few years, so be it.”

Despite these claims, a Courier poll of over 100 former Mandan Biology students found that a remarkable 79 percent would, in While this article is a joke, the decline of Monarch Butterflies is not.

04

April Fools

News

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April Fools

05

Something strange is happening at Mandan High School. Reports of slamming lockers at night, wet footprints by the pool in the morning, howling in the hallways and many other spooky occurrences have sent shockwaves through the high school, and the Courier has the inside scoop on this developing story.

The first re ported incid ent came fr seemingly innocuous om a place — th e second floor boys’ bathroom.

“I usually st art off my d leave my be ay by going fore school stool. Nothin to the boys’ bathroom to me in the to g strange ha past except s ev for the one because he time I heard er happened forgot to pu ll his pants this kid cry bowl, but th down before ing is time it w his bowel h as somethin It was one o it th g e c o m f those days pletely diffe where the fo feel like yo rent. u are apart g hangs in of a horror front of you movie where the air and you r car with a a clown jum red balloon and head in ps in . I get to sch side to conti o o l, park my tr nue my dail sitting there uck y date with , I hear this Mr. toilet. A stra I realized it s I am was just som nge ghostly groaning noise, but th eone in the the poor lad en stall next to to me. I waite However, m leave so I could conti d for nue my busi y peace did ness in pea n’t last lon flew open ce. g when the and nobody door to my was on the my body st stall other side. iffened and In the mom I sat there in could even ent, complete si clean myse lence. Befo lf up the wate underneath re I r in the toil me, throwin et shot up fr g me to the against the om ground, the ceiling. I w a water bursti s staring at th the white th ng e fountain p rone when rotruding fr this ghostly and scream om face formed ed so loud th from the w at I g I tried to ig ater nore what h ot up and ran. ad just hap period and pened by g continuing oing to my the rest of m desk glad th first y day. Relie at it was ov v ed, I sat in e r.

Only then d my up my p my id I notice I ants. - Daw son Shipma forgot i to p ull n”

Soon occu after, an rre oth time nce took er stran ge in th plac e e “Wel , b t h and had t l as you room is o get k n o w sure the u . , the ni no p

form naug the b s and arade is hty a gaun nd room childre truck re coming u n tl a , p only ets and fl I headed forgot t dy. After , so I h ip fo I three e o mad i u r t l u of th e tru minutes ders. I ste to the tru niforms e ck an when pped ck to in it wa d s i a coi louder th the door I got kic nto the tr check ke u n a s sous cidence n our bar lammed d into th ck for apho until s r e h y ut, an b playe the t Than ne case d o ack r. I ru to th kfully th s almost ck starte t all seem h man d e c e e open road and truck ab rushed m rolling, d like a , and r e n u a . d the p s tly so rejec t fro man did on as it stopped ma did, befo lift w I ste ra th re p a want s a sing g bag. Al out of t e door w it got here ed m le sh l tha hipp t e e to s lo o ee it. e. It was was left oking li d ke ” Mr by th a l m . Bau o e mann st like s truck omeo ne

06

April Fools

Feature

This report had sc hool staff on high alert, and w hen they came to open the pool in th e morning their suspicions becam e more than just that. o incidents These first tw ause great c to h g u o n e were not ht following nig e th t u b , m r ala et s started to g g in th n e h w was . really spooky seemed

, and it at the school t gh ni e on was I wrong. ng late night, but boy “I was worki al I rm no a be ght shift and ing to for my overni like it was go t d gh an ni id s m sk de around ss, cleaning I got there at y own busine m e hallway. I ng di in m noise out in th was just rd t ei w a d ar the hallway bu hen I he out to check bathrooms w t t en en w w I I d so an of it nfused was pretty co ought nothing al th I on ti e. ca er vo th e thing ay down to th there was no t, I made my w ex er in the art N ov . ng ed ki pp ti or s sk de e back to w m ed d so t I was weird up and I foun tious man, bu wing to clean ti d rs el pe w su e a th t er by i’m no r loud crash ov room. Now he e ot th an to d in ar d he int. I s I walke A r. he rt fu out at this po e at as After that I w ent to investig ut suddenly. shop, and I w t sh gh ed ri m e m am ho sl door and went up ed ck shop, the far pa e I e school alon ere anymore. that end of th not staying th to n w do go se to away. I refu nitor Ja ”e. anymor

“I showed up at 7 in the morning to get the pool ready fo r practice and as I w as walking along the deck, I slipped and fell.

As I was laying on the ground I looked up and noticed some footprints all arou nd th e pool. I was alread y confused, and th en I noticed that the foot prints were not norm al footprints, but just single feet marks all around. It looked like someone had been hopping around th e pool on one foot all night. I began to look more and I fo un d that these footpr ints were all over the pool — on the di ving boards, the sli des, everywhere. I just could not fathom ho w this could have happ ened.” - Johnny M indt

Suspect

Upon hearing all these testimonies, MHS teacher Seth Peterson immediately knew who, or what, to blame, and how to stop it. He slipped into his hiking boots pulled a treasure chest from under his podium and left class immediately. He hiked up to the top of the hill overlooking Mandan High. At the top, sitting on a bench with the nature all around it, he found our culprit— his own plastic leg.

“I just told her it was time to come home,” Peterson said. “She looked sad but she knew that I was right, and then as soon as she had appeared, she was gone. Her spirit is gone, but I will always carry her physical form with me as a solemn reminder of the supernatural forces in Mandan.”

This whole ordeal has been stressful for many in Mandan, but people can take solace in the fact that nothing like this will ever happen again.

“She’s at peace now,” Peterson said, smile on his face. “She can’t hurt anybody anymore.”

Feature

April Fools

07

Sports Round-up Battle Rap

MAGGIE KNOLL General Reporter

Parkour Captain of the Parkour team Danek Vega is looking forward to jumping into the coming season.

“I am really excited. I have a lot to teach people about parkour,” Vega said. “The goal: get from one place to another in the coolest way possible.”

Last season the one man team took last at the Kirkwood mall parking lot competition.

Vega has high hopes for this season and is working hard to recruit new members.

“Being the only member took a hit on our performance last season,” Vega said. “I am looking forward to competing in the back parking lot skate park this season.”

If you are interested in joining the parkour team, please contact The National Parkour League for Students and Future Parkour Leaders of America.

As the snow starts to melt, the season of rap battling slowly approaches. Freshman Mac Fix is ready to take on the season with his funky fresh rhymes.

“Right now I am the top ranked rapper in the school,” Fix said. “It feels pretty dang good.”

The team meets at 1:30 A.M. every Tuesday in Grandma Gina’s inside Scheels in order to ensure success.

“I am ready to take on anyone that comes my way,” Fix said.

COURTNEY ENTZI Sports and News Editor

Fortnite Role Play Head Fortnite Role Play Coach Laura Novak is looking for multiple victory royales this season and is hoping her team launches to success.

The FRPA, Fortnite Role Playing Association is a newly formed sport that practices the game but with a twist: all games are played in live action.

“I like to start off practice by saying where we droppin’,” Novak said.

“That is when my players know it is time to get serious.”

This season is unlike the rest, expert Grant Himmelspach is joining the team in order to ensure a success.

“I have a lot of victories under my belt,” Himmelspach said. “I am expected to carry the team.”

Parkour Captain Danek Vega hopes the parkour team will leap for success this season.

Horseshoes

Star athlete Elijah Klein is not only a standout on the court and field but also is leader in the pit.

“I have always been involved in basketball and football,” Klein said. “I knew there was just a part of me missing, that is when I found my true passion in horse shoes.”

The sport is new to Mandan and involves a large amount of athletic ability which Klein excels in.

“We are allowed one step and my arm takes me the rest of the way there,” Klein said. “I just have to drop the horseshoe down at that point.”

The season has been going great and Klein is ranked first in the state out of eight players, a huge accomplishment.

8

Pokemon With Pokemon Sword and Shield releasing soon team captain, Kenzie Ulrich, is excited to strategize for her upcoming season.

“This season is really important to me,” Ulrich said. “I just got my new Mega Beedrill and I am more than ready to use it.”

After placing 97th in the Pokemon North American International Tournament, the team is ready to use their Z-moves to push them through the season.

“Our XP is through the roof,” Ulrich said. “We are all expert trainers and I expect a huge victory coming from our team.”

April Fools

Mall Walking Last season was nothing short of a success when the Mandan Braves step team took first in the Annual Allstate Stepathon.

“Mallwalking gets intense,” Head Coach Stacey Fitterer said. “It takes a lot of hip strength to increase your speed.”

The athletes have been conditioning a lot in the off season to prepare for the competitions approaching.

“We have been meeting once a week in the off season to practice,” Fitterer said.

“Every step gets us a little closer to that state championship.”

Sports

Athlete of the Month MAGGIE KNOLL

COURTNEY ENTZI

General Reporter

Sports and News Editor

Grant Himmelspach Fortnite What is the hardest thing about your sport?

“It is really difficult to hide in a bush in real life without getting poked.”

Who is the team mom?

“Brayden Johnson for sure. He really lifts me up on a hard day.”

What's the best thing about your sport?

“The best thing about fortnite role playing is just being able to run around doing the thing I love with the person I love, Brayden Johnson.”

Junior

HImmelspach has perfected his hiding skills. Look how sneaky he is.

Olivia Moe Pokemon

What is the hardest thing about your sport?

“Making tactical moves that create major damage can be difficult.”

Who is the team mom?

“Kenzie is always making sure we are prepared for all battles.”

What’s the best thing about your sport?

“The best thing about my sport is using my pokemon skills to dominate my opponents.”

Sports

April Fools

Senior

Watch out. Moe is ready to throw her Pokeball at any minute.

09