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15 TAWA NEWS MUNA
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FEBRUARY 2019
Nagnakaw si Juan at Pedro Isang araw, may isang grocery ang ninakawan! Nag-imbestiga ang mga pulis at ayon sa mga witness ay nagkasama ang magkaibigang Juan at Pedro na nagnakaw. Dinala sa presinto ang magkaibigan… Pulis: Totoo bang kayo ang nagnakaw sa grocery? Juan: Hindi ah! Pedro: Aminin na natin Juan. Totoo po sir pinilit lang po ako ni Juan! (Nagalit si Juan kay Pedro) Pulis: Wala kaming pakialam kung pinilit lang o hindi ang pinag-usapan dito aat magkasama kayong ---------------------------------------------------------Gamit din ng utak ma’am Teacher: May 5 na ibon, binaril ko ang isa, ilan ang natira? Juan: Wala ma’am. Wala Teacher: Bobo k aba? Alam mo bang magbilang? Isa lang nga ang binaril ko eh! Juan: Tanga kaba ma’am? Syempre umalis yung iba…Pag ikaw, binaril yung katabi mo steady ka lang ba? Umupo ka dito. Ako ang magtuturo! ---------------------------------------------------------Sports Car Juan: Nagyoyosi ka? Pedro: Oo Juan: Ilang kaha sa isang araw? Pedro: 40 pesos Juan: Gaano ka na katagal nagyoyosi? Pedro: 15 years Juan: Kung ang isang kaha ay P40, nakaka 3 kaha ka sa isang araw, bali isang buwan nakaka P3,600 ka, sa isang taon meron kang P43, 200 tama? Pedro: Oo?! Juan: Alam mo bang kung hindi ka nagyoyosi, naipon mo sana pera mo, nailagay mo sana sa bangko at nakabili k asana ng sports car!! Pedro: Ikaw nagyoyosi k aba?! Pedro: Oh tarantado nasan yung sports car mo?! ---------------------------------------------------------4 Job applicants were asked “What is the fastest thing in the world? During an interview German says “Thought” American says “Blink of an Eye!” Aussie says “Light Switch!” Pinoy says “Diarrhea!” The interview told him to expound his answer. Pinoy said “Lit mi eksplen. Dis murning, I hab istumak ek. I run to di tuylet but bipur I kud
tenk, blenk, or eben swets on di layt, dir was igit in my pants oldride. Su past!” ---------------------------------------------------------HR: Anong pangalan mo? Juan: Juan Kampupot po. HR: Ilang taon? Juan: Desiotso po. HR: May trabaho? Juan: Tricycle Driver po. HR: Single? Juan: May sidecar ho Tricycle Driver nga eh, Tang aka??? ---------------------------------------------------------Boss: Why should we hire you? Tikyo: Mas mabuti po ang bagong tulad ko dahil wala pang sungay. Boss: English please Tikyo: Well, you see, uh I’m brand new so I’m not yet horny! ---------------------------------------------------------The Boss asks: “Do you have any sales experience?” The Pinoy says: “Sir, I was a salesman back home in Manila.” Well, the boss liked the Pinoy chappies so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” Pinoy boy says: “Sir, just one sale.” The boss says: “just one? No! No! No! You see here our sale people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you’d better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?” Pinoy boy says: “$101, 237.64” Boss says: “$101, 237.64? What the hell did you sell?” Pinoy boy says: “Sir, first I sell him small fishhook. Then I sell him medium fishhook Then I sell him large fishhook. Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I ask him where’s he’s going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he’ll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4 x4 Blazer. I then ask him where he’ll be staying, and since he had no accommodation,
I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new Igloo 6 sleeper Camper Tents. Then the guy said, while we’re at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.” The boss said: “You’re not serious? A guy came in the hereto buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4x4 truck and a tent?” Pinoy boy says: “No sir, actually he came in to buy Tylenol for his headache and I said:” ‘Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind!” ---------------------------------------------------------Estudyante: Boss mag-aaply po ako. Manager: Mag-aaply ka? Eh bakit nakatrunks at shades ka? Anong position ba inaaplayan mo? Studyante: Summer job po ---------------------------------------------------------Employer: Isa sa hinahanap naming sa applicant ay yung responsible Applicant: Sir, reponsable po ako Employer: Talaga? Applicant: Oo, Sir. Dun sa dati kong trabaho, pag may di magandang nangayayari ay ako laging itinuturong responsible. ---------------------------------------------------------English Movies you should never translate in Tagalog Waterworld – Basang-basa There’s Something about Mary – May kwan sa ano ni Maria Employee of the Month – Ang Sipsip Resident Evil – Ang Biyenan Kill Bill – Kilitiin sa bilbil The Grudge – Lintik lang ang walang ganti Nightmare before Christmas – Binangungot sa Noche Buena Never been Kissed – Pangi kasi Gone in 60 Secons – 1 Round, tulog The Fast and the Furious – Ang bitin, Galit Too Fast, Too Furious – Kapag sobrang Bitin, Sobrang galit Dude, Where’s my car – Dong, anong level ulit kayo nagpark? Beauty and the Beast – Ang asawa ko at ang Nanay nya The Lord of the Rings – Ang alahero Die Hard – Hindi Mamatay-matay Die hard with a Vengeance – Hindi na mamatay-matay, naghiganti pa Lost in Space – The tangang naligaw sa kalawakan Paycheck – Sweldo What Lies Beneath – Ang pagsisinungaling sa ilalim Superman, The Return – Si Superman Bumalik, Naiwan ang Brief Cinderella Man – Bading di Cinderella Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Nagtrabaho si Charlie sa Goya Blade Runner – Magnanakaw ng Labaha
Schindler List – Mga may utang kay Schindler Men in Black – Mga lalaking namatayan ---------------------------------------------------------Yaya Joke Yaya: Naku si baby nasugatan, akin na daliri mo sisipsipin ko…Ayan wala na..Bakit k aba nasugatan? Bata: Hindi po ako nasugatan. Tiniris ko lang po ang garapata ni Brownie. ---------------------------------------------------------Amo: “Bakit namatay ang aso?” Maid: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laudry soap.” Amo: “Nakamamatay ba yun?” Maid: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.” ---------------------------------------------------------Sa panahon ngayon joke — Sa panahon ngayon Coconut oil na lang ang Virgin — Sa panahon ngayon hindi lang ang coke ang may Zero pati score mo sa quizzes Zero na! — Sa panahon ngayon ang MRT / LRT na lang nag masikip — Sa panahon ngayon hindi na threat ang ganda, basta malandi siya matakot ka na. ---------------------------------------------------------Effects of 7 deadly sins: 1. Ang SELOS, nakakawala ng pera sa bulsa. 2. Ang GALIT, nakakawala ng magandang mukha 3. Ang KASAKIMAN, nakakawala ng kaibigan 4. ANG KATAKAWAN, nakakawala ng magandang katawan. 5. Ang KAYABANGAN, nakakawala ng hangin sa kapaligiran 6. Ang KALIBUGAN, nakakawala ng enerhiya sa katawan. ---------------------------------------------------------Piolo: I just need 5 things in my life…some friends…some food…some work…some love… Some Milby… Sabi naman ni Sam: I just need 5 things in life too…fe work… few friends…few food…few love…and few-lo Pascual ---------------------------------------------------------A philosophy teacher challenging a student on his faith in God Teacher: To see is to believe, have you seen God? Student: No Sir, I haven’t Teacher: Then there is no God Student: Sir may I ask a question? Have you seen your brain? Teacher: No! Student: My dear classmates, uwi na tayo, walang utak si Sir!! ---------------------------------------------------------Mommy Dionisia: Anak ano bang ibig sabihin ng FR sa ALAXAN? Manny: Nay yun lang di mo alam ? edi Fen Relever :)